Date Yourself Instead - So he ghosted you…now what?

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Ok so he ghosted you, now what are you supposed to do? In this episode, I take it step by step on what to do when someone ghosts you. Because we all know getting ghosted can be a shitty feeling. Don��t worry, I’ve got you covered. Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | Instagram Connect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

Welcome to date yourself and set. Date yourself and set. What does it mean to date yourself and set? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it. So he goes to you. Now what are you supposed to do? Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead.

If you're loving the podcast so far, I would so appreciate a review. They keep the podcast going and recording these episodes has been so appreciate a review. They keep the podcast going and recording these episodes has been so exciting for me. I cannot wait to get into this episode. Today's topic is going to be about what to do when a guy ghosts you. Because we all know ghosting can be a really shitty feeling. It's not the best feeling. When you're really interested in someone, you think they're really

interested in you also. You both like each other. The feelings are mutual. Everything seems to be going really well. And then all of a sudden, they just disappear off the face of the earth. They stop responding to your messages. They don't call you back. They don't text you back. And they literally just play dead. And suddenly you get this like not on your stomach where you're like, did I do something wrong? Did I say the wrong thing? Did they not like the last date we went on? Like what did I do to make them completely vanish off the face of the earth?

And you just kind of like start replaying all these things in your head and the conversations you had and the dates you went on because you're left with this open-ended question mark of like, what really happened, what's going on? And it's not always fun because obviously, if you have feelings for someone, it can really sting when you're ghosted.

It suddenly feels like a major rejection. And sometimes it can catch us off guard and leave us in a state of shock where we're like, okay, we just poured our heart out to this person and then they disappeared as if we meant nothing to them. And the entire relationship meant so much to me and the situation was going really well in my head. So did they think it was meaningless? Like, what was the point of putting all my energy and time into this person?

It can like pose a lot of questions that will drive you insane. So I've definitely had my fair share of experiences where I've been ghosted and I was left with that question of like What really happened? And I will say when I did go through this it did really hurt in the moment because it feels like rejection Like you feel like you did something wrong. There has to be something that you fucked up to make them run away from you and not want to speak to you ever again. But the truth is, before I get into the steps on what to do when someone goes to, you really have to understand one important thing. There is literally nothing that you did to

drive them away. Like, this was their decision and this has nothing to do with you. This is such an important piece of information. You did nothing wrong. Unless you literally said something offensive that could rub them the wrong way or you did something to like actually harm the other person or put them in a dangerous situation. 99% of the time this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. So do not take it personally. If you've been ghosted or you're going through this right now, I promise you this is not your fault. So let's dive into the episode. I'm going

to give you all the steps I took having been ghosted before and what I did to remedy the situation. And actually a few, it did happen to me. The guy ended up reaching out to me later down the road, but it was way too fucking late, and I didn't respond to him. And by that point, I was completely over it and laughing. And you're going to be completely over it too eventually. If they do not end up contacting you again,

you are so much better off because who wants someone that's unreliable and disappears off the face of the earth anyway? It's so unattractive and you deserve so much better. All right, let's dive right in. Step number one, do not reach out to him again. If you didn't answer your last text message, it is strongly advised to not keep reaching out to him

or texting him or following up to see if they're gonna answer the second or third or fourth text message. Like do not do this. If you follow it up once, that'll be forgiven. But do not keep texting him or reaching out or finding ways to check on him or make sure he's gonna respond to you because, listen,

we all of our phones, we all look at our text messages. And if he hasn't answered within the last few days, there is a reason why on his end. Not on your end, like this has once again nothing to do with you and everything to do with that other person. Although you don't know the reason, and it's killing you because you want to talk to them, and you think you did something wrong and you're freaking out,

it's strongly advised to not reach out again. If this person wants to talk to you and contact you, they will make sure they will do that. Like, if they want to talk to you, they will talk to you. You will know if someone wants to communicate with you. So if they're not responding to you, just take a step back. The worst thing you could do is keep pushing their energy

and chasing after them when they're not being responsive. If you do want them to talk to you and you do want them to text you back and you're like dying to communicate with this person. It is very important to just claim your energy back, step into a mode of neutrality where you are doing you focusing on yourself again, recenter your energy, and them not responding to you should not be dictating the rest of your day. You're not going to put a focus on their lack of communication.

Center your energy and focus on yourself. Take your attention off of the issue and the situation. And also, it's so important to know that where you place your energy is what gets emphasized in your life. And this makes complete sense. The more you focus your attention on a problem, the bigger the problem's gonna get.

So if someone's not responding to you, focusing on it is only gonna make things worse because it's out of your control. You cannot control what they're doing or what they're up to. And if they wanna respond to you or not. So you have to do whatever you can to take your attention off of it for a second. Do whatever you can to do that,

whether it's going for a run, reading a book, listening to a podcast like this one, spending time with your friends. Like do whatever you can to alleviate your emotions by taking your attention off of this person. Step number two, assess the situation from a neutral point of view. How long have you actually known this person? A week, two weeks, a couple of months, like how well do you really know this person? Is this something new where like, you know, you're going to be able to recover and bounce back quickly?

Or is this a long situation that has cost you a lot of time, a lot of energy? You've been on a ton of dates and you're already pretty invested and you know it's going to hurt a little bit. If you're really early on in the talking stage and you don't really know a lot about this person, you're in a really good position because you obviously didn't get to the point of investing so much time and energy And I will say that if they're already ghosting you this early on Then the universe just did you a favor by taking them out of your life

You don't want someone like that in your life anyway. You don't have time for that You don't have time for games and that's the good news like on to the next one You can spot the warning signs early on and leave the situation with peace knowing that this just wasn't the right person for you and you don't want someone who's flaking and unreliable. If you've known this person a little longer and you have an emotional bond and an attachment to them and it's something that's actually hurting you, the same rule really applies. Obviously, it's easier said than done, but it's so true. Like you have to think about would you want to be married to someone who just disappears off the face of the earth if they can't even think of a response now to give you?

Like if they can't even give you the decency to explain what's going on in their head and say, listen, like I'm not interested in you anymore, I'm going through a hard time and like, sorry, I haven't been responsive. If they're not even willing to give you any sort of communication, I think that's a really big red flag. I think true maturity is actually taking charge of the situation if you're not happy, or if you're just not feeling it anymore, just communicate.

Like, I am so big on an open line of communication with whoever I'm talking to, whether it's a friend, a family member, a cowork-worker, or a romantic partner, I think communication is like what allows us to all get along and understand each other and it's so important. So if they're not willing to even send you a message explaining what's going on or to give you clarification or to give you closure if they want to end things, that's a huge warning sign in itself.

And that's kind of speaking for itself. Once you assess the situation and you conclude that ghosting is not cool with you and it doesn't sit right with you and it's not the vibe and not the type of person you want to associate with, once you realize that you actually deserve better and you deserve someone that's going to be open with you,

you're going to find better. This person is just not the right person for you. And once you've concluded that, it makes you feel better. Like for me, like there's relief in knowing that that door is closed and okay, if you wanna ghost me, that's fine. Clearly you're just not the right person for me and it's time to move on.

Step number three is do not take it personally. I mentioned this in the beginning of the episode, but this is so important. I want to touch on this again. Remember, when you've got engoasted, it has nothing to do with you. And it's easy to take it as a personal attack in the beginning, like you think you did something wrong, or you said something wrong, and you fuck the whole thing up, and this person wants nothing to do with you anymore. But it literally is nothing to do with you and I could promise you nothing will fuck up what's actually meant for you. It's one of my favorite things to remind myself.

I always say this in like a ton of other episodes I mentioned this, nothing will fuck up with what's actually meant for you. So if you think you said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing, trust me, you didn't because the right person is going to handle it and want to be with you no matter what you do. Like, I can guarantee you that. So I can speak from personal experience when I've been ghosted by a couple different people. There was nothing wrong with me.

I knew that. I just wasn't the right match for them and the connection, although I thought it was pretty good, it obviously wasn't as strong as a connection they had with someone else because there was a few times where I actually have been ghosted and shortly after whatever, the guy would get in a relationship. And like, everything would come to a complete stop, we'd stop talking, and then like three weeks later,

they'd be posting a girl on their Instagram or whatever. Or they would just get distant over time and like the conversation would eventually die out. And then I saw them in a relationship shortly after our situation. And it made sense because I was like obviously they had a better connection with someone else and they didn't feel the need to explain that to me, which is totally fine, but it just wasn't meant to be. And once I realized that it had nothing to do with me and it was just their personal choice

and they had a stronger connection with someone else, like you can't prevent that. You know, there was nothing I could have done to remedy it or to get them back or to make them date me. Like, there was nothing I could have done personally. So there was relief in knowing that and just trusting that there was going to be someone better for me down the line and our connection wasn't exactly what I thought it was. And you know, ghosting can be done for various reasons. And again, it just had nothing to do with me. And once I realized not to take it so personally,

it became a lot easier to handle. Like if someone ever did that to me again, I feel like I would just understand that it once again is on them and it's not on me. And there's nothing I can do when it's out of my control. And there will be someone so much better for me that's more reliable and that shows up for me and the way I need them to show up for me.

And that's it. It's also important to recognize that people cannot control who they fall in love with and who they don't fall in love with. Connection, it cannot be created or destroyed. It's just there, it just exists. And everyone that I fall in love with and got into a relationship with, it was so unexpected and caught me off guard

because connection was just there. I didn't force it. I didn't have to do that much to create the relationship. It just happened and it was super smooth and easy. And when you're getting to know someone, if they decide to leave you for someone else and they disappear and they ghost you, yeah, maybe they should have communicated it to you that that was what they were doing

and it might have given you closure and it might have been easier for you to close that door. But at the same time, they couldn't help falling in love with someone else or being with someone else because that connection was just stronger for them. So when you learn, I guess not learn, but when you realize and recognize that connection is just inevitable and if someone chooses to be with someone else, it has nothing to do with you. And it's just their path and their journey and you stop taking it so personally. Life just gets so much easier and lighter and better because if they can find that person, so can you. And you just have to trust that. The next step and the most important, is to do the things that make you happy and

sent your energy back into yourself before you even knew this person. Remember that you were fine before they existed, and you're going to be fine after. You can decide to level up and be an even stronger and cooler and more badass version of yourself before you met them. And then when they realize it's too late and they might reach out to you after a few months of vanishing off the face of the planet, you can literally just laugh it off and delete their number because they're not welcome in your space anymore. Claim your power again.

Don't let someone who disappeared on you hurt yourself worth or your value or show you how amazing you are or I'm sorry, take away from how amazing you are. Don't let that deter you from your goals and from your everyday life because life is so short, you're amazing, and the right person will not disappear on you. I can 100% guarantee that the right person will always be reliable and show up for you, and they will not ghost you and disappear off the face of the planet. You deserve someone who shows up for you and is up for you, and they will not ghost you and disappear off the face of the planet. You deserve someone who shows up for you and is committed to you and wants to have open communication with you at all times and be a reliable support system for you.

And if you're not receiving that now, this person is not going to change anyway, and you're never going to receive that from them. I always kind of turned it around in my head too, and I realized that everything is working in my best interests in the long run. So if this person was willing to basically abandon our entire situation and what we had, then why would I want to end up with someone like that regardless?

If they're choosing to ghost me, that would have happened at some point down the line anyway, and it was inevitable. So why would I want to end up with someone like that anyway? I wouldn't. So the next step, that is my favorite and most important step of all. I think I might have said that for the next step, that is my favorite and most important step of all, I think I might have said that for the last step too,

but this is also super important. Use the energy you're spending, worrying about him ghosting you, on a creative task that's gonna make you feel powerful and make you feel alive and make you feel confident again. Like if this really knocked down your confidence and this situation made you feel really shitty,

you have to use this energy that's gonna amp you up again and make you step into your power and not give a fuck about this person. So like, for example, there was this one guy that ghosted me, I was dating for like four or five months, I think that's a pretty decent time to get to know someone and invest some time into. We weren't super close,

I didn't see like a legitimate future with him, but we were pretty consistently talking and seeing each other. And I remember when he just goes to me out of nowhere, I took it so personally in the beginning and I was pretty upset. And then I found out he was dating three other girls and prioritizing them before me. And I wasn't seeing anyone else.

So I was pretty upset to say the least, but eventually he just cut me off, and that was it, and the relationship was over, and he never gave me any sort of explanation. He completely just vanished. I thought, honestly, something bad happened to him, because we were pretty consistent with our texting and talking and hanging out, and then one day I just woke up, and he never texted me, and he disappeared off the face of the planet. I thought something actually bad happened to him, but no, he was just seeing other people.

He hadn't been clear about that. He gave me the impression that we were only seeing each other and had discussed it with me many times. He had asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said no. And he said me too. I'm not seeing anyone else. So he was lying to me. He ends up cutting me off completely ghosted me.

But the crazy thing is once I knew he was dating other people and that was made crystal clear and I found that out. He didn't tell me that, but I found out through other people. It was a huge turn off for me. It was super unattractive and it made me realize one that he was not

the right person for me. And two, it was just so much easier for me to move past the ghosting and move past it all because I finally figured out why he ghosted me. I think the reason we get so upset from this whole ghosting thing is because we have no closure and we really don't know what happened. And sometimes it's easier for us once we know a clear answer and we have a clear direction and we confirm like what actually went down It gives you that closure to move on because you're like, okay, so

That's what happened. I have to accept it and I can move on in peace But if you don't know what's happening your brain kind of gets all scrambled you start running a million questions through your head and it could be really hurtful and it could feel really It just makes you feel like this insecurity and throws you off balance if you don't know what's going on. But once you get that closure, it's just easier to move on and move on from the whole situation. So in this particular situation, I was like, okay, so he's seeing a ton of other girls. I was not a priority at all.

I obviously was being lied to and I wasn't being valued the way that I should be valued or treated in a relationship And I would never want to be with someone that disappeared on me anyway, and that wasn't reliable and not being honest with me So I took all of that energy that I was like I was super super upset and I ended up writing a song about it and Channeling my creative energy because of the entire situation and it it was about, the song was about him ghosting me. And it was just such a good song. Maybe I'll eventually release it one day if I decide to become a musician as well. But it just made me feel so powerful and so good to actually get something creative out

of a really shitty situation. And I think it's just important to use your sad energy to create something meaningful and exciting. And then you're like, oh well, at least I could turn this hurt and this pain into a passion project of mine and use it to my advantage and use this as like a learning lesson and also use my creative abilities to make something amazing out of it. I'm the type of person that likes to take my pain and transform it into a positive experience and something that I could use creatively to help other people. And I think if you could take your pain and fuel it into a passion project, it's such a cool thing.

And I think that is so important. Now I know some of you are going to say, well, is it really so bad to text them again and try to figure out what's going on? Like I just need closure. If he's not responding and you get this feeling of needing all the answers, listen. If you really desire that closure, if you feel like you absolutely need it to move on and you want to send one last message to him to kind of conclude the chapter and move on and you just want to get it off your chest, by all means go for it.

Okay. I'm not here to tell you exactly what to do with the end of the day. This is my podcast. I'm gonna give you my insight and my advice from my personal experiences and from what I've learned. But at the end of the day, your life is yours. You get to make your own decisions. So if you really feel like you need that closure,

really badly and it's eating at your brain and you wanna follow up again, by all means go for it. But I truly, and I mean this, I truly believe and it's eating at your brain and you want to follow up again, by all means go for it. But I truly, and I mean this, I truly believe that the closure is in the silence. The closure is in their silence. They close that chapter by disappearing on you. And it speaks volumes and it's unattractive and it's not cool.

And if someone's willing to walk away so easily and ghost you, then they don't deserve an ounce of your energy anymore. If you need to replay this podcast instead of text them, by all means do that too. I just think this is from my personal experience and what I've been through and I just think you deserve a lot better. And that's how I'll end this episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hope that was helpful to any of you who experienced being ghosted or have been ghosted recently, I hope the steps and the tips can really help you power through it and realize that you are so amazing and

you're incredible and you deserve the world and you should never, ever, ever settle for anything less, especially someone that ghosts you. I hope you all have an amazing day. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and stay tuned for the next one. Hope you all have an amazing day. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and stay tuned for the next one.