Date Yourself Instead - Stop being impressed by the BARE MINIMUM

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

Today we talk about the many reasons why you should raise your dating standards but what does it ACTUALLY mean to claim your power? You are not somebody’s backup plan! I share what I do to remember my worth and the shift that can happen when you learn how to show up for yourself and not tolerate shitty behavior. Once you love yourself so fucking much, you’ll attract someone that matches your love! Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | Instagram Connect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

Do you want the coolest hoodie ever? The type of hoodie where your friends are asking you where you got your hoodie from? Before I dive into today's episode, I wanted to mention that I'm dropping exclusive Limited edition one of a kind hoodies for those of you who are following the date yourself instead podcast This merch drop is very limited. There's only a hundred hoodies. I repeat. There are only a hundred hoodies that I'm selling for now They are so cozy. They are so comfortable. It's something I've been working on for a very long time and I am so proud of the quality. If you want your hoodie, make sure you go to dateyourselfandstead.co and join the wait list for when these hoodies drop. You do not want to miss the launch. The launch is very, very soon. So be sure to go to date

yourself instead.co and sign up to get your hoodie and make sure you join the date yourself instead crew. And the best part is we are shipping worldwide. I cannot wait for you to get yours. That's date yourself and said.co to sign up for the wait list and get your hoodie once they drop. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I just got to LA I was actually into loom for the last week. To loom is such a cool and magical and unique place. It's somewhere I visit actually pretty often. It's definitely a place where a lot of people go with friends to party and to celebrate special events like birthdays and New Year's and I've definitely been there for the holiday time, but it can be a little chaotic, so I decided to go right before the holidays this year. And it was super chill. There weren't too many people there. Obviously it's Mexico, so it can get a bit crazy. But there's something just so special about Tulumin particular.

I've been going there since, I think, 2017 maybe. And I saw it really develop and over time it became a really popular spot because of Instagram But to me it's just like a really spiritual place to reconnect and center myself and eat healthier and just relax on the beach and Really recharge I feel like Tulum can also be perceived as like a very Party spot for a lot of people so it can really go either way But I kind of like that balance because you can make it what you want. And the second I landed there, I went to this spot called the Mayan Clay Spa. If you ever decide to go to Tulum, you have to go here. The massage was incredible. I was mind blown. They used these like special techniques. I don't even

know what they did. I just woke up super relaxed. And anyway, I just feel like I'm able to really get new insights whenever I'm there and clear my head when I'm sitting on a beach. So I had some time to organize my thoughts and plan out the next few episodes for the podcast. And just think about more of what I want to accomplish in the new year. So I just feel like it was a really productive and necessary trip.

I feel like sometimes you just have to take a step out of your environment in order to gain a new perspective. And that's why I'm so in love with traveling. I'm obsessed with visiting new places because it really does give you a little boost and shift in your mindset and your energy. But anyways, yeah, I just was really planning out the next few episodes of the podcast and what I wanted to talk about and what I wanted to cover because I was getting so many messages on Instagram about specific situations

many messages on Instagram about specific situations. And one of the main things that I kept circling back to as I was planning out these episodes was taking your power back, because even though I made a full episode covering this topic, but I think it's important to really, really go into more detail about what this actually means. And I just want to cover more about what it actually means to claim your power and claim your energy and become the absolute best version of yourself. So all the little things like someone not texting you back or someone not giving you the time of day, these things will be so insignificant once you actually learn

to claim your power and step into the best version of who you are. This episode is really going to cover why it's so important to not settle for the bare minimum in your relationships and in your dating life, and this can obviously apply to other areas of your life as well, but really when it comes to dating, why it's so important to not accept the bare minimum from other people, and why it's so important to step into your bare minimum from other people and why it's so important to step into your power and value yourself and really know your worth and not let anyone devalue you and who you are based on their shitty effort. So today we're going to be discussing the importance of not settling for the bare minimum

effort. And if you're currently in a toxic relationship and you keep settling for basic bare minimum effort. And if you're currently in a toxic relationship and you keep settling for basic shittiest behavior, this is gonna cover why you need to take control of your situation right now and truly recognize your worth. There are so many reasons why you should be raising your dating standards and why you shouldn't be impressed by small, simple behaviors or actions

that someone else does for you. For example, if a guy texts you on a consistent basis, that's typical normal behavior when actually getting to know someone. If a guy asks you how your day is going and checks in on you, that is also normal typical behavior. If he wants to introduce you to his friends and he does, that's also pretty normal. If he includes you in his plans and he invites you out to do things with him, that is also normal standard dating behavior. These are standard basic things when you're trying to get to know someone else. And if your person isn't already doing any of these things, what are you doing by sticking around? Like, how is this person really benefiting your life in any positive way, shape, or form at this point? Is the person

you're dating right now contributing to your growth and to your genuine happiness? Are they fueling abundance and really good energy into your space? Are you really truly happy with this person? Or are you just hung up on a fake illusion and hoping that they'll change or step up to the plate eventually? The key to raising your standards in dating in the first place is to be completely, completely honest with yourself. Does this person actually see your value? It should be a clear fucking yes or no. It's very obvious when someone likes you and they make a conscious genuine effort to get to know you. It is literally so obvious when someone cares about you and it is so obvious when they really want you to be a part of their life. It should never feel confusing, it should never feel on the fence. You should never be asking

your friends and sending them screenshots of conversations on repeat to decipher what they mean. It's usually not a maybe. It's a clear as day yes or no. It is so important to understand that you deserve to be with someone who treats you with so much respect and actually cares about your well-being. There is nothing more attractive than someone that is also so unbelievably sure about you and is persistent with getting to actually know you. Obviously, there has to be some effort coming from your end, too. It should feel like a good, healthy balance of putting an effort together

when you're dating someone. But if you're desperately waiting around for their text, waiting around for them to make plans with you, keeping your schedule somewhat flexible in case they ask you for a plan, these are all unnecessary things you shouldn't be doing. You should never be bending over backwards for someone to actually make a genuine effort to get to know you. They're just going to want to do it. And when you learn how to step into your power, I talk about this in my How to Take Your Power Back episode. You start to really understand that your time is precious. Your energy is actually your currency. And that's also extremely valuable. And you're not going

to wait around for someone to make an effort to be with you because you know your worth, and you deserve someone that is completely undeniably sure about you. And as I just said, there is really nothing more hot to me than a man that knows what he wants. And I've not experienced this too often, but when I have, I am like genuinely floored because it just becomes so easy. It feels so effortless, and I'm putting in my fair share of effort too,

but I've literally never had to question anything with the right person. Every time I've gotten in a serious relationship with someone, it was always effortless. The best person is going to make you feel comfortable just communicating and being yourself. And the best way to describe it is like, when I was dating all the wrong people for me, I would be so nervous to even send them a text. I was just so worried that they would judge me for saying the wrong thing or making a

stupid joke or just like silly things I would get so inside my head about. I'm like, oh my god, why did I send that message? What am I doing? If they didn't answer me for 10 minutes, I would panic. I was always just afraid that I would turn them off by being myself. But when you step into your power, you don't give a fuck if you're turning someone off, because if they don't want to be with you for who you are, you really have nothing to lose, because that clearly isn't the right person for you anyway. You're not going to fuck something up with the right person. I remember my last relationship even.

I wanted to be in a fully committed situation with him because I really liked him and I just wanted him to be my boyfriend. And so I went to his house and I sat on his couch and I was like, listen, I just wanna know if you're with anyone else because I really like you and he literally shut me up. He was like, you don't have to say anything else. Like we don't even have to continue this conversation. We are fully committed to each other

and that's the bottom line. And my mouth dropped open. I was just so shocked. I didn't realize it could be so easy to have a conversation like that with the right person. And that situation, it went really smoothly. I didn't think it was gonna go that smoothly, but it just showed me that it should feel easy

with the right person. Of course, there are specific situations where you might want to commit to someone and then they don't and eventually down the road. It can work and it can eventually work out. Not everyone is going to operate at the same pace as you, of course. But I do believe the shift into a relationship always happens when you learn how to step into your power and really understand your worth. And part of you has to be willing to lose this other person and know that you are gonna be just fine

with or without them. You have to be willing to detach and let go, knowing that you are totally fine with or without this person in your life. You were fine before you met them and you're going to be just fine after. And just trust that if it's meant to be, it'll actually be. Now I see girls in my TikTok comments saying that their boyfriend hasn't even hung out with them in months and won't even drive to see them.

And they'll choose their friends constantly over the relationship. And they're clearly just not a priority in their relationship at all. I find that crazy because you deserve someone who wants to hang out with you. I think that's pretty obvious. Why are you chasing after someone to make a plan? Especially if you're literally full-out dating this person and in a full-blown relationship, they should want to see you. You deserve so much more than a once in a while plan. You are not somebody's backup plan,

you are not somebody's second, third or fourth option. If you feel like you deserve more from someone, more often times than not, you actually do. Of course, it's important to like, you know, have your own individual social life and independence in any relationship, but you should not be the only one trying to make an effort to see this person and get to know this person. It's so important to set healthy boundaries for yourself.

And the best way to develop clear boundaries for yourself is to learn how to take care of you in all the best ways without someone else there. I personally love exercising, meditating, listening to self-help podcasts, surrounding myself with supportive friends. Those are just some things that I do to get my mind in the right head space so I can remind myself of my worth. It's so easy to get sucked into a toxic relationship where you forget how powerful you are. And it's so easy to hand your power energetically over to someone else when you love them and care about them. So by taking

a step back and understanding that you deserve the world and you deserve someone that's really good to you, the most important thing you could do first is to be good to yourself. If you continue tolerating shitty behavior, you're basically communicating to this other person that you don't respect yourself and value yourself. It's basically saying that you can do whatever you want to me and that's fine because I love you so much and I'm willing to go through anything to be with you. It's basically telling this person that you're willing to accept any form of behavior, so then they'll continue to be shitty.

But you should not be willing to go through anything to be with someone if you're not happy. And by understanding that and really knowing yourself and understanding that your happiness should always be the main priority. You can learn how to show up for yourself better and not tolerate someone's lack of effort. I pulled this from the internet and I'm going to read it to you because I think it's a really powerful message and it ties in perfectly with this episode. When a woman accepts less than she deserves in a relationship, she's essentially telling herself she's not worthy of receiving the absolute best from her partner.

This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and very low self-esteem. This has also happened to me before when I was in toxic situations, and I would tolerate shitty behavior from people. I started to lose all of my self-worth worth and I felt super low and depressed. And I felt like I was literally a worthless piece of garbage. And I know that might sound a little bit dramatic, but I swear there were moments when I was dating someone that was so wrong for me, I would wake up every morning feeling like I had no meaning and no purpose, because this person just sucked the light that of me.

Anyways, additionally, having high standards in romantic relationships can help women to attract partners who are also high quality and really capable of meeting their needs. When a woman is not impressed by the bare minimum, she sends a clear message to potential partners that she's not gonna be easily swayed and will not

settle for less than she deserves. So also, by raising your standards, it's really interesting because energetically you're sending a message and you will weed out all the people who aren't right for you right off the bat. So if you keep going on dates and it's still not working out with a lot of people, you're just weeding out all the people who aren't right for you. So it's actually a benefit to keep raising your standards higher and higher. Furthermore having high standards can also help to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships. When a woman expects more from her partner, she's more likely to be satisfied with the

relationship because she's having her needs met. On the other hand, when a woman is impressed by the bare minimum, she may find herself in a relationship that is truly unfulfilling and lacking in the things that are really important to her. This can lead to resentment, frustration, and ultimately the end of the relationship. Now, this doesn't mean you need to come off like an entitled brat who demands all these crazy ridiculous things from someone you're dating. It's just simply understanding that in order to attract someone that's really good

for you, you need to stop settling for basic behavior. Even someone telling you that they like you isn't really saying that much. Speaking from very personal experience, I've had guys take me to dinner, tell me I was the best thing that's ever happened to them, give me all these compliments, and we would go on many dates and everything felt really good. But I genuinely saw a piece of myself that was still willing to settle for a lot of things I wasn't actually okay with. This might be a very subtle example, but it's the only thing I could really think of right now.

I was dating a guy who seemed really great on paper. He was super nice, he had an amazing job, and we clicked pretty well. It was like a really good friendship, but also we were going on dates at the same time. Everything seemed really good. And as we were dating, it was maybe our third date. I saw him start to follow a bunch of other girls after the third date, and we were still

talking the same. Everything still felt normal on the surface. But that was a red flag in the first place because there was an intuitive feeling. Like for me, to actually have to check who he was following, I know that was a red flag in the first place because there was an intuitive feeling. Like, for me to actually have to check who he was following, I know that was a red flag because something told me something was pretty off. But I couldn't actually prove it when I was talking to him in person, if that makes sense. Like everything still felt normal, but an intuitive feeling just came over me and I was like, I need to go check who he's following and I saw he had

Recently followed a bunch of new people a bunch of new girls that kind of looked like me I had a weird gut feeling, but I just ignored it because in person everything still was going well We were still hanging out, but when I wasn't with him that's when it felt off And if you're making someone a priority in your life, and they're still actively pursuing a bunch of other people, they're clearly not on the same page as you. But I still ignored it because I really liked him. And I was hoping that it was nothing. And eventually, over time, he started becoming cold and distant, and we hanging out and I just kind of got the hint that he was no longer interested in me anymore. He canceled on our last plans and I just felt like, okay, this is probably not going to work out. A few weeks later, I saw he was in a full-blown,

serious, romantic relationship with someone else. And I realized that throughout that time I was dating him, he was probably talking to this person. And I was still entertaining the conversations, even though I knew I wasn't a priority. And looking back, I know I didn't value myself the way that I should have valued myself. I was actively willing to be a third, fourth, or maybe fifth option on his list, even though I was making him number one.

Now, being 30 years old and understanding my worth more and more every single day, if I sensed something was off like that, and I wasn't a priority of any means to someone I was dating, I would just respectfully walk away and understand that there's definitely a better person out there for me that's going to make me a priority and can match my energy and commitment to the relationship. You deserve your needs being met in relationships. I also want to take a moment to say that it is so easy to adjust your needs or lower

what you want when you love someone or you like someone because you want to see them happy and you don't want to fuck anything up or mess anything up in the relationship, especially this applies if you're just getting to know someone, you start to cater to what they want to do and the plans that they want to make and you start to bend over backwards to make sure that you don't lose them. And of course, in all relationships, there is a little bit of compromise at times. You're going to adjust your needs to make things work. But early on in dating, when you're just getting to know someone, you should not be changing

your whole schedule and life around to appease this person. If someone's asking you to hang out at 10pm or later as like a booty call and they've never made a plan to take you to dinner or hang out during normal daylight hours and you're not comfortable with that, it's okay to ask the universe for someone better or a situation that's healthier that's more aligned with who you are and what your needs are. You don't need to settle for shitty behavior from someone because of your fear of being alone the rest of your life, because that's not going to happen. I can guarantee you you're not going to be alone the rest of your life.

If you have this fear that you're never going to find anyone better. Trust me, you deserve so much more and you will once you truly start to believe that. You really have to believe that in order to receive that. If you are a loving, nurturing, good-hearted person, unless you actively choose not to be with anyone, you're not going to be alone. You just need to put your faith into the universe or whatever higher power you believe in and trust that you deserve the best and understand that you are going to receive it without fail. You will find someone that can actually meet your needs guaranteed. And trust me, I understand that feeling of fear around not finding anyone else. I get it. I've been there so many times and these are normal human

fears, so don't feel like bad or insecure about it because these are normal feelings that so many people deal with. Men and women, we all want someone to share our life with. No one wants to actually be alone the rest of their lives. Like, I guess most of us, I would say, want human connection. But take any alone time you do have as a real opportunity to just connect deeper to yourself and your inner power. So when you do meet someone or you start dating again, you will come into it with a new vibrational level where you're radiating confidence and self-love and happiness.

And you're not just going to let any random shithead have access to your energy. You're not just going to tolerate a late-night text at 2am saying where you at. You're going to weed people out that aren't right for you and really step into your power and then attract someone of high quality who values you the way that you value yourself. Everyone that walks into your life is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Remember that. So once you love yourself so fucking much, you will let someone come into your life that

loves you exactly the way you love yourself. And that's a beautiful thing. So I think that concludes today's episode. I'm going to grab myself another cup of coffee and get to my emails and get to the gym. I have a few meetings here today in LA. So yeah, remember if you love this episode, you can rate the show on Spotify and Apple podcasts. It takes two seconds.

I promise it would be so appreciated. And you could always send me a DM on Instagram if you enjoyed the episode as well at LIS and at date yourself instead. I love you guys. Thank you as always for being here and listening and supporting the show. I hope you have an amazing day and stay tuned for the next one. Yeah.