Date Yourself Instead - Stop giving SO much to someone you’re not even dating

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

In this episode, I dive into a storytime about a guy I was taking on dates around New York City. I was putting in an unreasonable amount of effort…and for what? When someone isn’t your boyfriend, you shouldn’t be the only one making concrete plans.

Welcome to date yourself and set. Date yourself and set. What does it mean to date yourself and set? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of date yourself and set. So today's episode, I really wanted to talk about why it's important not to rush getting into anything

with anyone and to really take your time and have a little patience and trust the process when you're just starting to get to know someone and you're in the early stages of dating. I've just been through a lot of experiences where I had a really instant attraction and connection to someone and I thought we were literally so mates and we were going to be together and we were going gonna get into a relationship and dive right in because we had this instant spark and connection. Only to find out later that they weren't the person

that I actually thought they were and it was just kind of a facade that they were putting on in order to either sleep with me or just keep me there just to kind of casually date and their intentions were not at all what I had thought based on what they had shown me. It seemed like they were super interested, but then they'd pull back and I'd get disappointed.

And it was always like, I would fall for this instant spark and attraction when I initially was getting to know someone. And I just thought it would be cool to create an episode kind of centered around that and why it's important to just take your time and slow down and realize that The right things will happen at the right time and the right relationship. It won't be forced You won't have to be confused or questioning anything or Putting the gas on the relationship pretty much I'm flooring it

I feel like sometimes we tend to have a connection with someone and then we're just like, okay, let's do this and women are very fast paced. But I feel like I've had experiences where I like to rush things. I'm a very fast person and when I really have a connection with someone and I start to like someone, I like to just floor it. Like I like to put my foot on the gas and just like go for it. And I'm a very go for it type of person in relationships. But over the course of time and just my date from my dating experiences, I realize that it's not always the best thing to floor it and just dive right in because usually it's like a crash and burn situation. If you've ever heard that expression before, it's kind of like when you dive right in, everything is so passionate and electrifying and amazing

and you're like telling all your friends, this is like the best relationship ever and blah, blah, blah. And everything seems to be going really well in the beginning, but then it like quickly dies and fizzles out because you didn't actually really get to know each other on a deep level, it was just very surface level type of thing. And you weren't seeing that person in the right light at the time.

You just were so blinded because you were so in these infatuated, you were basically just in a state of infatuation with this person. So it was kind of like you were just constantly obsessive over this idea of you guys having this dreamy romantic vibe and it actually was just infatuation. It wasn't actually love. It's like the difference between lust and love. And true love in my opinion is just, it comes much later in the relationship when you really have seen every single fucking side

of your partner, every single little piece of your partner and you still are standing there and wanna stand by them through everything. I think that's true love. You know, in marriage when you say in sickness and in health, it's like so true. Are you gonna be able to go through the hardest, craziest battles and life shit with this person? I think that's what it comes down to when you're really in love with someone.

But in the beginning, you can't really see that side of someone because you're not going through these intense life journeys together, you're just getting to know each other. So this episode is really just about learning how to not rush into things. And I'm going to share a personal story. I'm going to share a personal dating experience of a situation that I really rushed into. And it was a super quick crash and burn situation. We had a really good connection in the beginning. And I thought he really liked me and I really liked him. And I didn't want to like sleep with him because I wanted to play my cards right and just kind of

get to know him before I did anything intimately with him and it was just I didn't really see through the BS because I was just like okay like this guy is really genuine and really nice so I'm gonna just get right into it tell you a little story and then I'm gonna go over what I learned from that situation pretty much. So there was once a guy that I met on a dating app, I had no expectations going into it. I didn't really, I wasn't really expecting much. I honestly, from the pictures, to be completely transparent, did not find him that attractive. It is what it is, he seems really nice and we had a lot of similar lifestyle choices.

He was super into fitness and plant-based stuff and I was just like, okay, let's just see what happens. Wasn't super interested, but I was definitely open to it. We ended up meeting at this bar in New York City and right off the bat, I didn't feel this intense connection with him, but as we started to talk more and get to know each other and tell each other a little bit about ourselves, I started becoming attracted to him because we're very similar and we have a similar vibe and he's an entrepreneur and I have my own stuff going on as well. And he seemed like super successful, had a shit together, it was just a good vibe overall. He seemed like super positive, and super kind, super respectful. We ended up going on a couple more dates after that,

and we were talking consistently. We were texting pretty much every day. He was being super nice. There was nothing that I could have said was a red flag or anything like that. And I just remember being attracted to him and really liking him. And it was moving pretty quickly where we started talking a lot more and then going on a couple more dates. And I remember specifically, I took him to this secret private rooftop that I know about. And I don't really take people there. I've done like a couple photo shoots there with friends, but I don't take guys there anything. It was just a place that I knew about which really cool views. And he wasn't from New York,

so I was like, maybe it would be cool. Like, he'll see a private little part of the city. I honestly think he was just trying to act impressed. Like, he probably was like, why is this girl taking me here? Anyways, so I took him to this rooftop, and then a week later, he had texted me over the weekend.

He basically was saying that he was busy that weekend and we weren't going to hang out and no planning of any sort of dates or anything like that, but he was just like, hey, I want to bring my friend to this rooftop. Can you let me know where it is? I forgot the address. That's like a place that I don't bring people. It's not a public space. It's actually someone's apartment building that I just know about

because I knew people that used to live there. It was a private place, you know? So no one really knows about this spot other than me and a few other people. So I was just like, this is a little bit weird. Why is he trying to bring his friend up there? And it was a Saturday night. So in my mind is he bringing a girl up there. I don't know why it just kind of came to mind in the back of my head. It's weird that he's just why would he want to take his guy friend up there. You know, it's kind of like a spot you would just go and bring someone you really like and chill up there, you know. So I was just kind of weirded out and I was getting a little suspicious and just uncomfortable, but I ended up telling him anyway.

And I ended up bumping into him by chance, total coincidence, a couple nights after. And he was with the guy friend that he said he was trying to bring up to the roof. So I was like, oh, how was your little date up on the roof? And his friend had no idea what I was talking about. And I saw the guy's face get red. It seemed like the whole thing was just a lie

and he was bringing a girl up there. I had my suspicions. I could be wrong. My gut was telling me something was definitely off. He was definitely seeing other girls. And I was not. I was basically just another girl on the roster. And it just started to make me question myself

and how I valued myself. Because obviously it's not that deep, okay? He obviously did not like me that much. I actually liked him a lot. It's more, am I rushing my feelings too soon for people? Why was I so invested in helping someone out and taking him to cool spots? Like why isn't he taking me to cool spots?

I actually remember I also took him to the Empire State Building because my friend worked there at the time, so she got me free tickets, and I took him there as well, because he had never been. Why was I taking him on dates? That's so weird. He was more than happy to go, right?

But at the same time, I guess, after I took him to these two dates, at the time I didn't feel like it was a big deal because he was so receptive to it, and he was like, yeah, sure, I'm down, like no problem. And he was being super nice, but looking back, I'm like, damn, it's like desperate energy almost. Why was I putting in so much effort and trying to hang out with someone that wasn't really

giving that much? If anything, from my perspective now, I'm like, holy shit, why did I even bother? Because I didn't have enough in the beginning to actually start initiating dates or plans. And although he was receptive to it and he was going on these dates with me, I was doing more and putting in way more than I had to. And I think I was rushing into it because I thought this connection was so good in the beginning,

but looking back, I'm like, it wasn't so great at all. And I was just, I think at the time, I was just in a vulnerable place in my life where I was like, okay, anyone who was actually kind of respectful and nice to me on the surface, I would just invest more into because they were being nice. But like, that's literally just human decency. Just because a guy is nice to you and he's respectful and he's receptive to hanging out, doesn't because a guy is nice to you and he's respectful and he's receptive to hanging out, doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be in a relationship with you.

And it doesn't mean his intentions are placed in being in a serious situation with you where he is gonna fall in love with you. That's not at all the case. So what ended up happening was we were still talking, we were still in a situation where I felt like he was a friend to talking, we were still, you know, in a situation where I felt like he was a friend to me. We actually hadn't hooked up or anything like that.

We hadn't had sex. It was not like that. It was a friendship, but we were also going on dates. And then it came to the point where I remember he had asked me to go get a tattoo and then after he got the tattoo with me, he wasn't talking to me the whole time. He literally was on his phone and not even interested in having any sort of conversation with me.

It was really awkward. I felt like he was paying more attention to his phone on the dates, I guess, than in conversation with me. So I would have to go on my phone and I would feel so uncomfortable because I was like, does this guy even like me now, like are we friends?

Like if we were just friends, I would have been totally fine with that. It wasn't this crazy romantic vibe where I was like, oh my God, I'm in love with him. I was down to just be friends. But everything was just so confusing. He was making me genuinely just lost. And I was like, why is he ignoring me?

But he asked me for these plans. It was just weird. After that, he never spoke to me again. It fizzled out and burned out really fast. And then I found out he was dating someone else shortly after that. So I think what happened was he was seeing other people when we were hanging out, and he just liked someone else better.

And he ended up in a relationship relationship which is totally respectable and fine. But just looking back, I'm like, damn, I was doing so much. Why was I doing so much? For someone that I was basically just friendly with, barely knew him, thought I knew him because we had had some deep conversations. But you can really have a deep conversation with a lot of people. It could be a friend, it could be your family member, just because you have a deep conversation

with a guy does not mean you're going to be anything. And I think I was just kind of a little bit naive to that at the time because when you do have a deep conversation with someone or you start hanging out frequently? It starts to build this trust where you're like, oh, okay, so we're doing this, we're hanging out, we're getting to know each other. And then to have it kind of pull away from you pretty quickly, you're just like, where did it go wrong? And then you start blaming yourself

and thinking that you were stupid for getting involved with this person at all. And I did feel a little stupid. This is so weird because if he had said he just wanted to be my friend, I would have been fine with that, but there was no clear guidelines to this type of situation. It was just very, we were dating briefly, we were dating very briefly, but for what? We could have just hung out as friends and there would have been no expectation at all behind it.

Point being, just take your time when you're getting to know someone because there's no rush if it's the right person, right? There's no rush, there's no pressure to what are we or what are we doing because if it's the right person, it'll unfold naturally and you'll just know. And after this guy, after this situation, I think I held off on dating for a little bit and then COVID happened and there was just timing

things where I was like, okay, I'm just gonna be alone for a bit. And then when I ended up meeting the next guy who I ended up getting into a relationship with, It was so easy. It was just so easy and it wasn't rushed, it wasn't forced, I wasn't doing anything. I didn't make any sort of effort to be with him. The only thing I did was show up and be myself and just be unfiltered and not have any expectation behind anything and he was putting in the effort to make it happen.

He was actually in the effort to make it happen. You know, he was actually doing the work to be in a relationship with me. He basically told me I wanna be in a relationship with you after date three, and I was just like, you do why? And he was telling me how guys just know right away pretty much after a couple dates if they wanna be serious with you.

It's very point blank, black and white in in their head and there's gonna be no confusion. He was like I can speak for most men within a couple dates they'll know if they want a serious relationship but you are not. Obviously there's specific cases where that's not true but he's like for the most part if you're confused all the time by a guy's actions and you're dating him for one, two, three months, and there's no clear direction in the relationship, there's no point in continuing it because he doesn't want to be with you. He's just keeping you there until he finds the person he's actually obsessed with and wants to be with right off the bat.

And I was like, hmm, that's interesting because a lot of the time when I've dated guys, I've been with them for a month, two months, three months, and things have been going well. I never had this feeling like, oh my God, this is a terrible situation on being treated badly. No, everyone was nice to me. I've been treated with respect, I guess, on the surface, but the intention behind it was just to keep me there. You know what I mean? It wasn't, oh my God, I want to be with this girl.

It was like, yes, she's cool. I'll keep her around until I meet my wife. The unspoken truth underneath each situation I was in is she's cool. I like her. She's independent. She works for herself. She's successful.

She's attractive. I like her. Cool enough to keep around, but I'm gonna keep her around until I meet my wife because she has all these things going for her and she's tolerable. I like her as someone I can keep in my life until I meet the right person for me until I meet my actual wife. I think that's really how guys operate in their head and I don't think it's out of like this vicious mentality like I'm just gonna use her.

Like using is a very strong word. I don't think guys think of it like that. I really do believe. I mean, some do for sure, but I think a lot of guys who, they're good people, right? There's guys that are really good-hearted and they're good- intent. They have good intentions behind getting to know you, but it's convenient thing, where We're all keeper there because it's convenient for me, and it feels good to me, and it's not a bad thing, and it's just chill. The word is like, it's just chill. I've had so many guys tell me, yeah, you're chill.

You're really chill. I like hanging out with you, but then there's always this unsaid butt where it's like, okay, you like hanging out with me, but is it going anywhere? Or are you just okay with just hanging out with me? Whereas if it's the right guy, if it's the right person, they'll make sure that you're in a relationship. They'll want to be in a relationship with you

because they're not gonna want you being with anyone else or they're not gonna want that even that thought that they wanna see anyone else. They're not gonna going to want that even that thought that they want to see anyone else. They're not going to want to even look at another girl. That's the definition of someone really wanting to be in a relationship with you is when they're not looking at any other woman or any other person and they're all eyes on you and they're like, I don't give a fuck about anyone else. I need you.

You're my prized possession and I don't want anyone else to have you. That's how you deserve to be treated, right? That's the bare minimum here because there will be someone that does value you like that, but you also have to learn how to value yourself before you find that person because you are what you attract. So if you're constantly thinking that you're not worthy of that type of situation, you're like, that's impossible. There's no guy in a world like that. No one's ever treated me like that. That's what you're gonna keep attracting. That's what you're gonna keep getting.

And I used to say those things all the time. I used to be like, do you guys actually want to be with you besides for the convenience of having sex? Like, I used to say these toxic things that would show up in my life. And then I would just keep getting that same thing because that's what I believe to be my reality. But when you actually believe that you're worthy of that type of love, trust me.

There is that the type of love exists. I see it all the time. You get what you pay attention to and focus on. And if you focus on that type of love and you're like, I'm not going to settle for anything less. This is what I want. You'll eventually end up getting that. And if you doubt it constantly and you're anxious about it, oh shit, like I don't deserve that, I'm never going to find that type of situation.

I'm never going to find that type of partner that values me like that. Then you're going to end up attracting that and that's going to end up being your reality. So it's really what you pay attention to and you actually believe. And it's also how you value yourself, how you show up every day, how you take care of yourself. These are things that will either bring you towards the right person that's going to treat you amazing and be obsessed with you and be all about you, or not. I've always met a significant other. I've always gotten into a serious relationship when I was at my best self. When I didn't want one and when I was so independent and focused on myself and I was feeling

healthy and productive and working out and putting all my energy into myself, like that's always when I found my person. And that's always, I mean, obviously, okay, did all of those situations work out for the end, the long term and like, am I married to any of those people know? But that's when I've attracted people that wanted me as more than a casual hookup. I've attracted people into my life when I was my best version of myself when I wasn't looking for anything. And I was truly just focused on making myself the best version of myself that I could be.

I kind of went off on a tangent here. But you have to understand that it's never going be so fucking complicated with the right person and that goes for even It doesn't matter if it's only three weeks in if there's confusion even a couple of weeks in that's usually not a good sign I've been able to help my friends through situations like this like for example I remember one of my friends she was dating a guy who was super nice to her. So sweet, he wasn't a bad person, you know, and he was, I could tell he was a genuine guy, but he would flake on her. They would try to make a plan and then he would come up with some lame excuse why he couldn't or why he was busy or he had to work or his sister was in the hospital

or something like which I believe I don't think he was being completely or he had work, or his sister was in the hospital or something like, which I believe I don't think he was being completely honest about that. He would throw out these excuses, like it wasn't like a one or two time thing. It was like every time they would try to make a plan, they hung out a few times, but he was always kind of like a void in and like just saying things like, oh, like I would love to see you, but I have this. And I just straight up told her if he was obsessed with you and he actually saw you as someone he wants to be with,

he would drop everything in his fucking life to come drive to you and see you. Like he was blaming it because he lived 40 minutes away or something. No, if he really, really, really, really likes you, he's gonna drive the 40 minutes to see you. That's a given. That's just basic shit that I think is bare minimum shit. He should be putting in the effort if he really see you. That's a given. That's just basic shit that I think is bare minimum

shit. He should be putting in the effort if he really likes you. But if a guy doesn't really, really feel that instant connection, instant attraction, he's not head over heels about you. Even if it's a few weeks in, I really believe that you deserve better. I really believe that the right guy will just show up and do what he has to do to see you. And it's always been the guys that have done that for me that I've gotten in relationships with when a guy is showing up for me. And I'm like, I'm always caught off guard a little bit too because there's a lot of guys that won't do that for me. Regardless, it doesn't matter how much money you have, how much success you have, how much fame you have. Guys don't give a shit. It's either a connection

is there or it's not. It doesn't matter if you're Beyonce. It's a shit. It's either a connection is there or it's not. It doesn't matter if you're Beyonce. It's a connection. It's either there or it's not for him. So if you're doing everything you possibly can to act cool, just going with the flow, it doesn't matter what you do. He's only gonna put in as much effort as he wants to and that's based on if he feels the connection or not.

So there's no point in trying to figure out a formula, trying to play it cool. There's no point because I just believe in connection and I think it's, it goes for every guy because I've played it cool. I've done all these like little games to like try to get a guy to pay more attention to me and value me and like me. No, it doesn't work like that. You could be, you could have the most to offer in the world. And if a guy just doesn't feel that spark or connection,

he's not making the effort. So just be yourself, focus on yourself, becoming the best version of you. Don't filter yourself for anyone. Don't play these stupid games back and forth. Just love yourself, date yourself, date yourself instead. And eventually, the right person will value you and appreciate you and you won't have to try. You won't have to put in this crazy amount

of effort to try to get someone to value you. You waiting on a text all day from a guy, I'm sorry, he's not that interested. If he's saying I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I have work, I have this like that. And he doesn't think about communicating with you for one, two, three days. You're not at the forefront of his mind because the right woman, like, he's going to make sure he's in contact with you. That's also something I've learned, you know. It shouldn't be this crazy amount of effort. It shouldn't seem like this big deal to even communicate with you.

It should just be normal. That should just be the bare minimum. And you should not be waiting on people to communicate with you, it should just be normal. That should just be the bare minimum. And you should not be waiting on people to communicate with you. That's just a basic necessity of human connection and is to talk to someone, you know? So these are just some things that I've learned along the way. I know I went off on a little bit of a rent and a tangent,

but I just thought today's episode would be kind of just me rambling a little bit and giving you all the knowledge and advice that I've picked up along the way in my dating experiences, my dating life. I hope that was helpful. I hope everyone is having an amazing day wherever you are in the world. I love you guys. And yeah, so thank you so much for listening to date yourself instead. I'll be back with more episodes soon. Stay tuned and have an amazing rest of your day.