Date Yourself Instead - The right person WOULD WANT TO DATE YOU - if someone wants you, you will know.

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

On today's episode, I talk about how the right person for you WOULD WANT to be with you and date you. If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. If a man loves you and IS your soulmate, he will commit to you. It should feel easy. It should feel good. It should feel RIGHT. If you are waiting on someone to DECIDE if they want to be with you, this episode is a wakeup call. If you're loving the podcast, always send me a message @lyss @dateyourselfinstead on Instagram. JOIN MY MASTERCLASS DARE TO DETACH

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. So today is gonna be an episode that I think we all need. We all need this reminder because I feel like we make things so complicated. And I was talking to someone about this concept of how men's brains work. And I feel like it's just pretty straightforward

and simple and black and white. And we tend to over complicate shit. We tend to over analyze their behaviors or what they're thinking about or how they perceive us. And the truth is, it's pretty simple. If someone likes you, you'll know. If someone wants to be with you, you'll know. You'll be sure of it.

And on today's episode, I'm going to be talking about this concept of if this person is your person, they will want to date you. They will want to be with you. It's a very straightforward black and white. And I feel like we tend to go in this rabbit hole of like, why things are the way they are? Why isn't this person messaging me? Why isn't this person making an effort? Why isn't this person wanting

to show up for me in the way that I need? And it's probably because they're just not the right person. Now, I'm pretty set on this idea of, if they wanted to, they would now because I've been directly experiencing a situation where I feel like the person that I'm with is really straightforward and super honest and just really to the point with me where he's like, I like you and I want to date you or like I am pursuing you and it's very clear and obvious. I'm not in a relationship by any means, but I feel like I'm in a situation right now where it

feels so aligned and so healthy for the first time in my life where we're both exactly on the same page. And I think that's what everyone deserves. And that's what really inspired this episode because oftentimes we tend to get ourselves in situations where we end up being confused, frustrated, we end up anxious, we end up sad, we lose ourselves in the process of trying to get to know someone because they're just not the right person. As I just said, the right person will wanna date you, will wanna make the effort, will want to, in some aspect,

commit to getting to know you better. It doesn't mean you have to rush into a serious relationship with someone the day you meet them, but it should be on the trajectory of something good. You should feel good when you're around that person. You should feel confident when you're around that person. And if that person isn't adding to your life and adding value to your life and making your life better, then why are you entertaining it? I feel like the only reason I've ever entertained people that didn't really want to be with me or date me was because I didn't see my own value.

And that is why it's so important. I tell everyone you need to learn how to date yourself, date yourself in quotes, but date yourself meaning you really just know how to, you really have to know how to love yourself, care about yourself, take care of your well-being, take care of your mental health, spiritual health, physical health, take care of the whole package of you before you dive into the dating world because then you're're gonna come from a place of want and not need, and you're not gonna need anyone to fill your cup. You're going to be amazing on your own,

and the right person will just be there to compliment it, enhance it, and make it better. So I think it's important to recognize that it should feel easy. It should feel easy in the sense that you're not getting so worked up or stressed about what the other person's actions are or how they're treating you because it's just easy. The same way that you and your best friend get along, your partner should be your best friend. Your partner should be someone that you could go to for anything, that you could talk to about anything, that you could communicate openly with.

There has been countless times where I've been texting someone that obviously just wasn't right for me, where I would hesitate on what to say. I would hesitate on how they perceived me and then pull back and not really be my true self or show my true colors because I was afraid of their perception of me. Or I would overanalyze a message

and then I would screenshot it and send it to people and be like, what do you think? What should I say? What are they thinking? And there's that quote, right? If you're questioning things, if you're confused, then they just don't like you. And if they like you, you'll just know. And I could not reiterate that more.

And I've mentioned this in one of my last episodes, how to date yourself, value yourself, love yourself. You're not going to be in chaos and confusion, and you're going to feel at peace, you're going to feel at ease, you're going to feel more like yourself, if anything, when you start matching up with people that are right for you. I was speaking to my friends at dinner about this last night. We actually went to see the premiere of It Ends with Us with Sony.

I am so grateful for the invite. It was so good. The movie was incredible. And I cried like a baby. And me and my friends were like holding each other's hands, crying at the end of the movie because it was really an emotional movie. But also it was eye opening because a lot of the themes of the movie because it was really an emotional movie. But also it was eye-opening because a lot of the themes of that movie were about relationship abuse,

domestic violence, and just going through a toxic situation with someone that you truly love. And it was just a reminder to me that we all go through it. We all go through situations where we tolerate more than we should. We all have been through a situation for the most part, I think anyone who's listening to the podcast is probably related to this in some way, where you go through a relationship where you know that you deserve better, you know that you deserve more, and you know that there's a part of you that feels like you're not being appreciated or valued or you just feel like you know that this person is

fucked up but you still want to stick it out with them because you love them. And it was just really relatable in that sense because the hardest thing in the world to do is walk away if you feel like you're in love with someone but they're just not treating you the way you deserve to be treated because the love is always going to be there. The love is always going to linger and you're always going to have those feelings for that person. But to make that decision to actually leave and walk away is totally separate from that love and it could be one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever have to make, but the most rewarding in the long term,

because if you truly love yourself, if you truly care about yourself, and you value who you are as a person, you're not going to allow someone to abuse you or manipulate you or come into your life and cause chaos and confusion. And I was with my friends at dinner after the movie premiere,

and we were talking about this concept of chaos and confusion when it comes to relationships and anyone in your life. It doesn't have to be romantic even, but a boss that can manipulate you or abuse you or a co-worker or a friend or a parent or a sibling could be literally anyone in your life that might be causing chaos and confusion. could be literally anyone in your life that might be causing chaos and confusion. And we've been getting into this concept of God and religion, and I know not everyone is religious. I'm not super religious, I never was. I'm very spiritual, but I never really turned to God. And as of recently, for some reason, I've been going in a more religious direction just because of some crazy things that have happened in my life over the last year. Nothing is a coincidence. I've had so many amazing windows of opportunity open up for me. I've gone through a situation

where my mom, her health was in jeopardy again, and I prayed and I used God to get me through that and pray for her, and she ended up being fine, and it was miraculous how that situation turned out. And there's just been other things that have made me really dive more into this concept of religion and just having complete faith. Now, this doesn't mean you have to use God, but maybe just a higher power, or just use the universe as a reference when you're trying to believe in something greater than yourself. I think it's just important to have that sort of guidance when you're going through difficult times or you're not sure about something, or when you're going through the midst of

chaos and confusion with a person. We were talking about this and I was reflecting on a lot of my past dating experiences with a lot of people who caused fucking mayhem and chaos and confusion in my life. I was always unsure. I never knew where the other person stood. This applied to so many people that I've dated, but it always steers you off course of your purpose. If you feel like you're going off track by any means

with the direction of your life, if you feel constantly anxious, worried, stressed because of that person's presence, because you're not sure how they feel about you, because they're not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. Because they are causing that chaos and confusion, that is really not what God or a higher power or the universe wants for you. That is not what it wants for you. The universe or God or whatever you choose to believe in

wants you to be happy. It wants you to be fucking happy. Why do you deserve anything less than that? Why would you put yourself through actual chaos willingly? And while we were having this discussion, I had so many revelations because I was like, throughout my whole life, since I'm 14 years old, I constantly put myself in situations and relationships where I felt unworthy, where I felt like I wasn't good enough, where I

felt like I was being emotionally manipulated and abused, where I was being tossed around by someone else. My first boyfriend, he used to break up with me all the time and I used to tolerate it and forgive and get back together with him. My second boyfriend, I'm so grateful for all the relationships I've had, but even he, you know, had some issues

that I don't want to get too much into the details, but it caused a lot of divide in our relationship where I felt like we weren't compatible anymore. And I would try to stick it out and try to tolerate a lot of things that I was not comfortable with. And it drags you down. It depletes your soul and it depletes you of your purpose. And when you leave those relationships, you often feel like you're just lost

because you've gone so off track because of this other person. And it's not to say you should go around pointing fingers and blaming people for bringing you down, but at the same time, it's like the right person will guide you further towards your path and make you better and make you stronger and heal you and Sometimes it takes all those toxic situations and relationships to actually find that person

so I am grateful for all the toxic relationships I've been through and I Wouldn't change a thing about my past. However Now I'm in a place in my life where I'm like, wow, okay, I deserve someone amazing. I deserve someone who makes me better, who uplifts me, who inspires me to be better every single day, who helps me grow, who wants to see my career and success thrive even more.

Someone who isn't jealous of me, someone who makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world, and vice versa, where they feel like they're the luckiest person in the world because I'm in their life. And it should be this mutual coming together of harmony and peace and just unconditional love for each other. And when you find that person, your life will just be infinitely better and you're not going to have to question. And you're not going to have to question anything. And you're not going to have to be in the midst of chaos or wondering what's going on or getting all worked up

over nothing. 99% of the time when I was dating other people, I got in my head all the time because I would always be like, am I the problem? But no, you're just not with the right person. I just feel like when you're in the midst of dealing with toxic people too, and you are in the middle of a relationship, you're so blinded,

or it's so easy to be blinded where you start to blame yourself. And I was speaking about this to my friend last night too, where she was like, throughout my relationship, I started blaming myself. Am I the issue here? What is wrong with me? Because that person would make me feel like I wasn't doing the right things all the time. And I'm like, no, you're just not with the right person.

That was it. You just weren't with the person that God wants you to be with because God would want you to be happy or the universe. The higher powers up there watching over you, they would want to see you healthy and happy and living a life with so much love and being treated like a fucking goddess because you deserve it. you deserve it. You deserve it. If you are a good person,

and I know everyone listening to Date Yourself instead, we are such an amazing community, and all we want is to be happy, healthy, and to find true love. And everyone that's listening deserves that. So I don't want any of you to settle for anything less than that. And if you currently feel like you are settling for less than that, I hope this episode can inspire

you a little bit to reflect and just take a step back from whatever situation you're currently going through and and really understand that life is about love. Life is about human connection, but you want those human connections to feel good. You want those human connections to feel aligned with who you are. Not everyone is gonna be your cup of tea and you're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea.

Not everyone can get along and sing kumbaya in a circle. We know that, but you deserve your person that's going to make you better. And you deserve your person that's going to make you smile and laugh instead of cry and feel nervous and anxious and is triggering you 24 seven. And there's this quote that I've heard before, and it's super cheesy, but when I was talking

to one of my friends about the person that I'm currently seeing, I guess you could say, currently seeing, regardless of his purpose in my life, regardless if we end up together, regardless if we end up in a relationship, whatever it is, I feel like the situation itself and him as a person just like having someone that's really kind and like seeing me in a different way has healed me, healed this part of me that I didn't even know that I needed to be healed. He healed a part of me recently that I don't even

think I knew that I needed it to be healed if that makes sense I Never really thought about it, but I didn't even know that someone's presence could heal a part of me and Regardless as I said regardless of what happens, I do feel like it's really good and positive and I'm super happy. But I feel like just getting to know him has healed a part of me that I didn't even realize needed to be healed, which is so different than anything I've ever experienced.

I'm saying things he's already heard before, but my grandma that passed, she just wanted to see me be happy with someone that treated me right. And in some ways, I'm like, she definitely sent this person to me because his birthday is the same birthday as her husband, who is my grandpa. And I just find that not to be a coincidence at all. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in fate. I believe in fated connections. And because I'm so spiritual, it just makes perfect sense because before she passed, she told me that she just wanted to see me happy with someone that treats me right.

And it's a beautiful thing. So more on that another time, because I don't like jumping ahead of myself and being like overly bearing about something that's so new because it is a really new situation and I don't want to overstep or sound like I'm delusional about it. But I do feel like regardless of what happens,

I'm not overly attached to any outcome. I don't have these like crazy expectations on anything or anyone. I'm really happy with who I am. I feel very grounded. I feel so at peace. For the first time in my life, I feel like I just know what I'm looking for. I know who I am and I'm not afraid to love someone.

Whereas in the past, I think I'd be like, oh, fuck, I'm getting in another situation. What if they treat me badly? What if it goes badly? What if something happens? What if they treat me badly? What if it goes badly? Or what if something happens? What if we break up? And I would have all these fears and doubts around the people that I was with. But now I'm in a place where I'm like, regardless of what happens, I have myself because I love myself deeply. I've done so much work. I've healed so much trauma. I've done so much to better my life for me and no one else, and I'm in a place where I'm not afraid to be alone. So I think that's the beauty of learning how to date yourself.

That's the beauty of learning what true self love is about. You have yourself, you're never alone. When you're so grounded in your energy and your power, you start to realize that I have myself and I can fill my own cup, but it's just nice to have someone to compliment that. I can fill my own cup, but it's just amazing to share memories with someone else. You could have both. You can love yourself so much

and then also have someone who brings an even more enhanced version of that out of you. And that's what I've learned over the last few months. I do also want to credit Kundalini. I mentioned it on one of my past episodes fairly recently, but I've been doing this work called Kundalini. Eventually I will speak more on it and maybe dedicate a full episode to it on the podcast

because it's such powerful healing work. I actually want to become a practitioner at this point. I'm going to Bali next month. I'm going to do more sessions with my friend, Isabelle, who is incredible. And you could look her up on Instagram. She does this work full-time and she's just so inspiring to me.

And she helped me through some of the darkest periods of my life when I was going through the worst of my breakup. When I got to Bali, I had found out that my ex had been cheating on me for years. That's a whole other story that I haven't really shared publicly, but he was doing things that I didn't know about. And I found all that information out in a really messed up way because I had perceived him as someone I could trust. I had perceived him as someone that could have ended up as my husband.

And it's quite the opposite. I was blinded. I was manipulated. I was mentally abused. I was controlled. And that is what it's like to date a narcissist. I didn't even know that I was dating a narcissist until I was so far removed from it. And I realized that no matter what he said, his intentions, whatever they may be, I don't

know why he did what he did. I don't know why he lied to me about so many things, but it is what it is. Point being, when I went to Bali, I was in shambles. I was not okay, and that was in May, so fairly recently. And when I left Bali, I was an entirely changed woman because of Kundalini and because I started to heal deeper layers of myself that needed to just go. I needed to shed the old version of myself.

Kundalini is linked to a snake and how a snake sheds its skin. And the symbolism of Kundalini is tied to snakes because snakes transform as they shed their skin, they're shedding layers of who they are and that's exactly what Kundalini has done for me. I feel like an entirely different person ever since I started the work.

So I'm going to Bali, I want to train to become a Kundalini expert and practitioner so I can host retreats and actually help people as well because I'm just amazed and so inspired by the work. The other thing is, of course, my masterclass, which many of you are probably familiar with already, Dare to Detach. Those are all the methods and meditations and quantum leap exercises and things I've used, those are the tools that I've used to actually heal and move on and detach from any situation or toxic person or relationship that I was in the past.

I know when I was struggling the most and I was trying to get to the next level of my life and trying to step into my higher self and be like, I know what I'm capable of, I know who I am, I know my worth, but it's just a matter of getting there. When I was going through the worst of my breakup, I turned to these different meditations, I turned to these different methods of healing in order to get myself to the next level of my life. And the art of detachment, detaching from who or what is

no longer serving you, the art of really understanding that you deserve better and in order to level up you need to remove yourself from any toxic patterns or situations and cycles. That is what Dirt Detach is all about. It's focused on rewiring your subconscious mind so you could attract amazing people in situations into your life so you can let go of the bullshit and actually step into your power in an entirely new way. And it's something that I talk about all the time on the podcast. It's really the only thing I talk about that I promote because it's something that I've

put my heart and soul into because I want you guys to get to the next level of your life. I want you guys to be able to detach from people that are not good for you. I want you to experience what I experienced going from feeling like I was at rock bottom and feeling like I had no control over my life and lost all hope and was super depressed and then skyrocketing into abundance and changing my whole life for the better. Now I have my dream career. rocketing into abundance and changing my whole life for the better. Now I have my dream career.

I am invited to dream events that I've always wanted to go to. I literally have been manifesting things at lightning speed. I've been able to let go of the small things on a day-to-day basis that I used to get so upset over, where I just feel like I'm surfing throughout the day, and I'm happy, and I'm grounded, like I'm surfing throughout the day and I'm happy and I'm grounded and I'm emotionally stable and I think when you get to that place of peace where you're like, wow, I'm not on this up and down roller coaster anymore of emotion.

I'm not always anxious. I actually feel good consistently. That is the place that I want you guys to get at because for so long, for so many years, I struggled with it. And I struggled with entertaining people that were just bringing me down constantly and entertaining situations that were draining my soul and not helping me align with my future and my purpose.

And I could confidently say that the Dirty Touch Master Class, everything that I've learned in the beginning of my healing journey is in that course that I created for you guys. So if you're interested, be sure to check out the show notes. Also, you could go to the Instagram at Dare to Detach or you can message me on Instagram at date yourself instead if you need any more information.

The course is open for the next month. Super excited into the fall, we are up leveling, we are detaching and transforming. And I am so grateful for the community we've built in the Dare to Detach course. Everyone in there is so amazing. You could always message me in the community chat too. We have a private group chat with over 3,000 members, and we talk about our relationships, we talk about healing, we talk about getting to the next level together, and it's just really cool to have that community as well.

If I could give one piece of advice as well is to learn how to forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Forgiveness is going to get you really far in life. If you hold on to grudges, if you're the type of person that is holding on to a lot of anger and resentment and you feel like you can't really let go of something because someone hurt you so badly, I want you to work on practicing forgiveness towards that person every single day until you feel at peace with the situation. And turning to a higher power such as God or the universe and just praying has really helped me with this. For the first two months when I found out my ex was lying to me about all this stuff,

keep in mind, we hadn't been together in a while, but he was still contacting me, telling me that I was still his wife. One day we were gonna be together, we had a future together, and always kept me dangling, always kept me there as someone I think he thought he could just go to maybe to fall back on. But behind my back he was not being the best person.

And when I found all this out, I was so, I don't want to say angry, but I was more just like angry at myself. I was mad at myself for letting something to continue on as long as it did, for not trusting my intuition, for not listening to my gut and my inner voice more than I should have because I didn't really love myself enough to walk away fully. And even when I would record episodes, he was still in the background. I wasn't dating him and I was trying to move on and date other people, but it's always that one person that keeps coming back, right? It's always that one person that keeps like sliding their foot in the door just as you're about to fully close it.

And with him, it was always like that for years and years and years it carried on. And I didn't realize how much I was suffering And with him, it was always like that for years and years and years it carried on and I didn't realize how much I was suffering and how much I was actually putting myself through and It took a lot for me to Actually forgive myself. It wasn't really about him anymore. It was like how do I forgive myself for Allowing myself to tolerate such abuse. How do I forgive myself for allowing myself to tolerate such abuse? How do I forgive myself for allowing myself to tolerate such a shitty person that like came into my life and caused chaos and confusion? Because that's all it was.

That's all it was from day one. It was chaos and confusion. And I spoke so highly of him on my podcast so many times. And looking back, I'm like, wow, I was really blinded. I was super blinded. I didn't know better. And maybe that can relate to some people now. Maybe you'll be like, wow, I didn't realize you're preaching all this stuff, but you still have that person in the background. I felt guilty. I felt like a hypocrite in a way sometimes that he was still weaseling his way back into my vortex. And then I was on the podcast being like, you deserve someone who's sure about you.

You deserve someone who's this and that. And then I had this person that wasn't being honest with me. I didn't know how bad it really was because I think when you're so invested in something and you're so deep into it and you think you know someone you're naive to it You're naive to the red flags But it was really eye-opening for me and that's my best piece of advice to you If you're coming out of a toxic situation

You need to learn how to forgive yourself fully and that's when you will meet your person That's when God or a higher power will align you with someone that is right for you, when you're so at peace with yourself and you understand that it's not your fault. Everything is a learning experience. Everything in life is designed to help you learn and grow and build your character and build your strength.

And I look at my life that way. My parents might say, oh, you've been through so much. You're wasting your life. You're wasting your time. You made all these mistakes. And I'm like, no, I don't look at my life as mistakes. I don't look at my past relationships as failures or mistakes. I look at it as beautiful learning lessons that have built my character, that have made me who I am today, that have made me stronger, and I've actually learned how to be a kinder person because of how shitty people are. I've learned how to be a better person

because of how shitty people have treated me because I would never want to be like that. I would never want to be someone that has those qualities and it teaches me more about myself and what I actually am looking for and it teaches me more about myself and what I actually am looking for, and it teaches me more about who I don't want to be, ever. And I've learned so much along the way and I don't regret a thing. And I think once I truly forgave myself, that's when miracles started happening in my life. And even recently when I was in London, I was dating for the first time since all of that chaos happened and putting myself out there

and really just opening my heart. And I met some amazing people. Now, are any of them gonna be my husband or the love of my life, whatever it is? I don't know. I don't have those answers, but connecting with people who are genuine, connecting with people that see me for me,

it was the first time I went into dating with an entirely new identity because I loved myself so much that when I approached dating, I was attracting really good quality people. Whereas in the past, I don't think I valued myself and I was attracting people that didn't see my value But when you see your value and you know your worth and you really forgive yourself for your past

you open up a new timeline for yourself you open up a brand new reality for yourself and That's what's so beautiful about this concept of healing and then also Realizing that anything can change at any time and in just a few months from May until now, it's May and now it's August, my life has done a 180 to the point where I don't even recognize myself from Bali. I feel reborn because I've just done so much to heal and I've also just forgiven myself for my past. And I never really took the time to do that or think about it. But there were a lot of tears.

There's a lot of moments where I've cried. There's a lot of moments where I, you know, had days where I was like, this is the worst feeling in the world. My heart hurts, my body hurts. But when you clear all of that out, you will get to a place where you are like, I don't even recognize who I am anymore.

Like in a good way, in the best possible way. I see a version of myself from last year until now. I look at myself even last year to now, and I'm like, who the fuck was that girl? And it's just beautiful. It's beautiful to see your growth and look back on your life and be like, wow, everything happened for a reason. All of those things were here to teach me something. And now I am so much better because of it. Even though that stuff was shitty,

even though I went through the worst pain of my life, even though my heart was broken into a million pieces, I can confidently say I am so much better than I was before. I am so grateful for the pain that I went through. And that is what it's like to see life through the eyes of God or a higher power, is knowing that what you went through was to make you stronger and build your character. What you went through was here to teach you

lessons about yourself and your life so you can ascend to the next level. And if I could give you one last piece of advice, it is to never settle. Never settle for anything or anyone. Cherish who you are and when you really cherish who you are and you really get to know yourself and love yourself, you will realize that there is someone that is perfect for you out there waiting for you, waiting for that healed version of you. And maybe they're also on a path to healing. And when the timing is right, you will come together.

But just trusting that there is that person, there is that opportunity, there is that career that you've always wanted waiting for you if you just actually believe that there is and you have faith that there is. And once you do that healing work for yourself, you forgive yourself, you let go of the past, you detach, you master the art

of truly knowing who you are and knowing what you deserve. Amazing things are going to come your way. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope that provided some wisdom for you, some insight. I appreciate all of you so much. If you haven't already, be sure to check out the masterclass, Stare to Detach. Doors are open now for the month of August. I love you again. Thank you as always for being here, sharing the podcast. I see you post on your stories all the time. It means the world to me. If you want to connect with me, always DM me on Instagram, at Liss, L-Y-S-S,

or on the podcast account at Date Yourself instead. I love you. Thank you again as always and stay tuned for next Monday.