Date Yourself Instead - You deserve consistency. It should feel good - if it doesn’t, let that sh*t go.

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

Just listen. This is a goodie.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I hope everyone's having an incredible Monday so far wherever you are in the world. I know I have a lot of people who do not live in the US that listen to the podcast, so it might not be morning for you right now, but it's morning for me where I am. So I always say good morning, and if it's good afternoon, good evening for you, that's great. That's cool. I think it's so cool that there's people

just from all over the world listening. Like I think that is the coolest fucking thing ever. And it makes me so grateful and appreciative. And it makes me want to travel more to different cities. I might be doing a podcast tour in 2024, which I'm super excited about. I just have to figure out the logistics of that. But if you guys would be interested in me touring

and coming to your city, shoot me a DM at list or at date yourself and set. And let me know if you're interested. And if you would come to a live taping or a live podcast show, I don't even really know what it would entail yet. I would have to like plan everything and figure it out. But I think it would be so much fun. So if you would be interested in something like that, shoot me a DM, and maybe I'll put something together for next year. Anyways, we're just gonna jump right into today's episode, because I've had so many people over the last few weeks DMing me the craziest shit,

like the craziest scenarios and situations about their situationships, people there recently dating, relationships, marriage, you name it, I've been hearing crazy shit. Like, more intense than I've ever heard in my life. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's in the air right now. Maybe it's because, you know, it's August, we're going to this into September now,

and people are just looking to be single. I don't know what it is, but there's a lot of people going through breakups right now. So I wanted to cover a few different things on today's episode. The first thing being the lack of urgency when you're getting to know someone or if you're actually already dating someone or if you're actually already

dating them or if you're married to them, whatever your circumstances are, it could even be a friendship. The lack of urgency with another person is the biggest turn off. It's the biggest thing. If you feel like someone isn't wanting to hang out with you, wanting to see you, wanting to make plans with you or give you any sort of decent amount of time, it can be a huge turn off. And it could also make you kind of question how much they actually care about you and

how much they actually like you, right? So there was a guy that DM me, I'm going to keep it very anonymous, but he DM me asking for advice on a situation where someone wasn't being really responsive when it came to him asking for a plan. And he was like, you know, this woman, I really am interested in. She's not really showing me any sense of urgency. Like she's not showing me any type of genuine interest to like hang out. And for me, I'm like, okay, well, that could be for a number of reasons. It doesn't all have to be bad. It doesn't have to be like she doesn't care about you or she's not interested. However, more often times than not, you kind of know intuitively and you kind of know in your

gut if someone's actually wanting to be around you and wanting to see you. I mean, actions speak for themselves. So my advice was, you know, it's still early in the relationship so you can figure it out along the way and, you know, give that person some time to come forward and actually initiate on their end. But if you're just not comfortable with a dynamic early on and you're not really happy, the biggest thing you could do or the best thing you could do is just to communicate how you fucking feel and be open and transparent because you're not gonna fuck up what's meant for you.

You're not going to ruin a situation if this person is actually the love of your life and your soulmate, right? You can't fuck something up if that person is your person. And I always think about things like that when I'm in a situation with someone where I'm not sure what's going that when I'm in a situation with someone where I'm not sure what's going on and I'm a little uncertain, communication is fucking key. So that's my best advice. If anyone's going through a situation right now where you

feel a lack of urgency from the other person to see you, to want to spend time with you, to want to be with you, or they're not Or, you know, they're not replying to you. They're not replying to your texts. And it's been seven hours in between texts. And the conversation is just dead and slow. And you're just like, what the fuck is going on? Or you could be in a serious relationship with someone and they're distancing themselves from you.

And they're going cold and they're saying they don't really know what they want out of their future with you. Any situation goes. It could even be your best friend pulling away and saying she doesn't want to hang out with you. Whatever the fuck it is, communication is going to resolve most issues. It's the feeling of not being able to speak up because you're walking on eggshells

and you don't want to fuck anything up. That holds you back from getting a clear answer and getting the clarity you need. And I always say, yes, communication can be difficult. It can be intimidating. It can be something that we're afraid to do because we don't want to fuck anything up. However, nothing's going to fuck up what's meant for you.

So if you're saying how you feel and this person doesn't reciprocate, it's a blessing, okay? Move on. The universe is gonna clear that situation up for you so you could actually open yourself up to meeting a new person, to making new friends, to a new opportunity you could making new friends, to a new opportunity you could have never even imagined in the first place because you

were so stuck on this other person. I'll give you another example where I was speaking to someone who was playing hot and cold games from day one and there would be periods of time where he was obsessive, up my ass texting me wanting to call me, wanting to make plans, wanting to see me. And then we would hang out or we would talk. And then three days would go by and he wouldn't text me or he wouldn't call me.

And I knew what he was doing. Obviously you're seeing other people, you're doing your Obviously, you're seeing other people, you're doing your thing, you're out with your friends. Fine, it's all well and good. But I was so frustrated because I just wanted clarity. And when you're in this weird, confusing situation with someone where you like them, but then they're changing their

behaviors every fucking few days, it can be exhausting and draining. And that alone should be your answer. Like if someone's draining you and making you feel uncomfortable from the get go, that should be your answer that they're probably not the right person for you. And they're probably not someone you should want to be with long term. However, every situation is different and I would rather communicate to that person how I feel and see what the fuck is up

versus just letting it all go and cutting it off because if there is potential in my head and there is a genuine real connection between us in my head, I would rather say something and say what I have to say and say what's going through my head instead of not saying anything at all. It obviously is situational, but with this person, I thought it was worthy of communication. So I communicated and I said, listen, you're fucking hot and cold, you're all over the place. What the fuck is up? What's going on?

And this has happened with several people I've actually dated. This has happened with a lot of people, especially my early 20s, because I was younger. I thought games were just a part of dating, and I thought it was just normal. I normalized this idea of hot and cold in games all the time. And I was always so afraid to say what's on my mind,

but as I've got an older, I'm like, fuck that. I'm gonna say how I feel. I have nothing to lose. I know what I bring to the table. Once you have a really good self-concept of yourself and you love yourself a lot, you're not gonna tolerate hot and cold energy if you're looking for something more stable and serious.

If you really love yourself, and you know you're deserving of something more stable and serious. If you really love yourself and you know you're deserving of stable, healthy love, right? So I'm like, listen, I don't like this, like I don't like you, like I don't like how you're going about this right now and it's just annoying, like it's really fucking annoying. And I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not participating in whatever dynamic this is, right? And this person was like, oh, you know, I'm so, I've been so busy. I've been so busy with things and I'm busy working.

And to know many times I've heard that excuse, by the way, I'm so busy with work. Like, could you think of anything better? That's just, if someone says that to you, I'm so busy with work. Like, could you think of anything better? That's just, if someone says that to you, I'm sorry. Everyone has a job. Everyone's busy. Everyone has three minutes to reply to a text.

I always say that if someone's dragging your situation out with a load of bullshit excuses, like, I'm so busy, I have work, I just, I don't buy it. Because to reply to someone takes literally 30 seconds at most, to text someone takes a very short amount of time. So they saw your text, right? They saw you sent them a message. They saw you called, whatever it is, taking a few days to reply, there's no excuse.

Maybe a few hours, okay, if you're busy doing something fine. I've had days where I'm in the studio for three, four hours, or I'm editing something for a few hours, and I can't be on my phone, or I'm out with my friends, and I'm not on my phone for two, three hours. But a few days, absolutely not. At least in my book, I'm out with my friends, and I'm not on my phone for two, three hours. But a few days, absolutely not. At least in my book, I'm like, no.

So this person essentially was making all those excuses. And I realized that it's just best to walk away, right? Because now you're just lying, now you're playing the game even more. I can't do that. I can't participate. But there was a line of communication there. I communicated how I felt, and I just didn't like the response I got back, so I decided

that it was best not to participate anymore. Now, I get a lot of people in my DMs worried about the outcome of a particular situation with someone and asking me for advice and what I would do in their situation. And I get a lot of these and I also love responding to them when I can. Honestly, I'm flooded with DMs on the daily, especially on the podcast accounts. So I'm sorry if you have sent me a message and I have not responded yet. It's because I get like 200 messages a day. I'm not joking. But I try my best.

When I have free time, I go through my messages. I sit there and I'll sometimes even send a voice note to someone if I feel like I can really touch on their situation or help them. But the reason I have this podcast is so I can reach everyone and try to help everyone on a bigger scale. So one of the biggest situations or themes or topics that people message me is like,

what do I do if I lose this person by saying the wrong thing or what do I do if I don't have this person anymore because I can't see myself with anyone else. Or what do I do if you know, I just feel like it's, there's so much potential and I feel like holding on and it's been a few months, but this person doesn't know what they want and it's kind of leaving me hanging. What do I do? Questions like that, right? And I always say, would your higher

self approve of this person? If you were at the top of your fucking game, if you loved yourself more than anything, if you could visualize a higher version of you and you were talking to that person, like you've achieved everything you wanted in your life. You've, whatever it is, you've achieved all your dreams and goals. Okay. You're the best you've ever looked. You're the healthiest you've ever been. You've hustled. You've built your internal strength to a point where you don't let anyone fuck with you. Would that version of you tolerate the behavior you're receiving now? If the answer is no, you have your answer right there to walk away. Because if you're trying to work towards the best

fucking version of yourself, you're not going to get there by staying stuck with someone who doesn't know what they want, who makes you confused, who makes you anxious, who makes you question every fucking thing, who makes you anxious when you send a text message to them. Do you know many times I've been with people where I had to like delete things and write in my notes what I wanted to say and like panic and then send screenshots to my friends and say, I don't know what to say.

If you're so anxious and out of your element with someone, regardless of who it is in your life, honestly, picture your higher self, think about that person, think about that version of you that's leveled up, the future version of you that you want to become and say, would this person approve? Would this person approve? And more often times than not? It's a no so yeah, basically what I'm saying is I've Done personally a lot of visualization techniques to envision the person that I want to become the woman that I want to be I'm growing and changing and evolving every single day, but there's still a higher version of myself

I know I haven't tapped into So if I look at her as an older sister as my best friend, as someone who's sitting next to me right now and saying, Liss, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you tolerating such an idiot? Why are you tolerating these games? It's easier for me to understand that I should cut it off. Okay, that's one thing I do when I'm really trying to make a decision, regardless of what it is, it could be, you know, someone that I worked with that I just wasn't comfortable with or someone that I was friends with that I felt was jealous of me. It could be anyone, but you have to picture yourself as that version of you that you're trying to become and

trying to level up to and understand that that person would not tolerate whatever you're going through. I wrote this in my notes this morning and this is something I also do to level myself up to feel really good and confident and to work on myself love. I write notes in my phone gasping myself up. Okay, so I'll take out my phone in the morning if I'm feeling shitty. This morning I woke up and honestly I was having a really shitty morning when I first opened my eyes. I had a bad dream. I wasn't feeling good about it. My ex was the main focus of my fucking dream last night. Okay. And that can really feel shitty when you open your eyes in the morning and you realize that you're no longer together. You haven't spoken to this person and your subconscious is just fucking

with you. And you're like, great, awesome, great way to start my morning. And I had a lot of anxiety. Like, my anxiety was skyrocketing through the roof. So, I was like, no fuck this. I need to get out of this. I need to do something to switch up how I feel right now. I'm not gonna linger in this feeling. So, I wrote this note in my phone. I'm the fucking prize. I deserve a dream love. I deserve my dream life. And I deserve someone who makes me better and

so happy every single day where I wake up and I know that I'm living out my dream reality. I'm living out my dream life. Say goodbye to anything that's not serving you that's making you feel weird, say fucking bye. It'll save you so much valuable time. Okay. So by even writing these little notes in my iPhone, I felt immediately better, and a sense of groundedness, and a sense of clarity, because I was like, okay, it was just a dream shaking this off. That's not how I'm going to carry on for the rest of the day, it's just not happening.

And when you learn how to take control over your emotional state and your thoughts that way, everything will start to get so much better. You're gonna attract better. You're going to attract better things into your life. You're going to attract better. You're going to attract better things into your life. You're going to meet better people. You're going to just feel fucking good, which is the whole point of life is to feel good and to feel happy and to feel free. So don't cage yourself in to your emotions and your feelings that are

negative because that's not going to get you anywhere. You have to snap yourself out of it. And sometimes you're going to be the only person that can do gonna get you anywhere. You have to snap yourself out of it. And sometimes you're gonna be the only person that can do that for you at that time. Like this morning, I live alone. I don't have a dog even though I'm probably getting one this winter, which I'm super excited about. But listen, I'm completely on my fucking own. And that's when you have to hold yourself

the most accountable with everything because you have a lot of time on your hands, your brain can spiral. When you're alone and you're not distracted and you're not talking to people every day and you work for yourself or you work from home, whatever it is, it can get lonely, it can get, it can be easy to get an Arabid hole in your head. So I've learned this practice and this skill of snapping myself out of it. If I go down a negative thought train, I'm like, no, we're not doing that today. Alyssa, we're not doing that today. Sometimes you have to be your own therapist. Sometimes you have to treat yourself as if you're on therapist because you're not always going

to have access to therapy. You're not always going to maybe have the finances to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on therapy. So what do people do when they don't have anyone to talk to? I think they talk to themselves, because I don't know, that's what I do. That's what I've learned to do. And I realize that everything essentially is a matter of getting your head into a positive space.

So whatever you have to do to do that, do it. thing essentially is a matter of getting your head into a positive space. So whatever you have to do to do that, do it. For me, that's going on runs, going to the gym, and writing notes in my phone, and telling myself how amazing I am. And I have no shame in that. Okay. So I'm going to take a sip of coffee before I get into the next topic. By the way, I don't know if you could tell the difference in my voice on my style when

I don't have any notes planned, but I hope this episode turns out somewhat okay because I did not organize my notes for this episode. And I feel like the positive about that is that I'm able to rant more freely without trying to structure everything in a specific way. Like sometimes I just like going off into the microphone. So that's one of these days. Okay, so my brother is visiting from Arizona right now. He's 35. He's awesome. I love his energy. Anytime I see him, it's great. I just don't see him often because he lives on the opposite side of the

country, but he's in a very different place in his life than I am. He's been married for 10 years. He has a wife and kids. And I'm an aunt, okay. So it's amazing because, you know, everyone in my family, my other brother who's older, he's 38. He also has a wife and kids, and he lives in our zone also. And it's cool to just see my brother is doing their thing. Building families, they built a life with who they love, and it's really amazing to observe that because obviously that's the end goal for most people is to find someone they want

to marry, find someone they love and to build a family in a life with them. And so he was visiting and we went to a magic show, which was really cool. I had a really good time, but there was an intermission period and we had an opportunity to catch up and talk and whatever it is. And I asked him some questions because I wanted to know from his perspective, his definition of love and how he perceives his relationship with his wife and just It's fascinating to hear it from someone's perspective who has such a different lifestyle than I do because I'm single I solo travel I have no ties. I don't have children

But I know some people on the podcast or the people that listen to the podcast do have families, do have kids, some are some are single moms, some are you know married and just feeling lonely in the marriage. Like there's just so many different scenarios. So I wanted to get the perspective of someone who's married with children and maybe some of you can resonate with this, but he was telling me that he feels that love is built. And he said, you know, I loved my wife from day one. Like I really, really wanted to get to know her. And I knew that I had an instant attraction to her.

And I definitely wanted to show her that I was And I knew that I had an instant attraction to her. And I definitely wanted to show her that I was pretty serious about her, right? Very early on, he said, yes, I was still in my single mode. I was still doing things and dating and whatever it was. But very quickly, he realized that he wanted to be around her. He wanted to spend more time with her. And it was pretty clear that that's the direction it was headed in. He wasn't confused, he wasn't playing games, it was none of that. But he was saying that he actually, he's like, I love her a hundred times more than I even did when I met her or when we were in the early stages of dating and in the early stages of our relationship. I love her even more now. And as time goes on and you build with someone and

you really become closer with them and you've been through a ton of shit with them, that's when you really understand the concept of true love because it's built over time. Like falling in love with someone quickly is possible, but to really have a foundation where you know that you've built a really good marriage and a marriage that's going to last essentially, he said it's all about, you know, going through all these experiences together and going through the experience of having children together. He was like, when you have kids, when you have children, that's the true test there, because then you're bringing an entirely different layer into the relationship between the two of you.

And of course, he was like super transparent. He was like, there's been ups and downs, but it builds the relationship even more if you're both willing to work on it together. And he's like, that's what I have with her. That's what I have with my wife. And, you know, I love her even more. And he's like, maybe I should, you know, tell her that more, but that's how I really do feel inside. And I was like, that is the sweetest, most real thing. That's a real thing to say.

Like, not everything is going to be perfect all the time. Not everything is going to be out of a movie where you meet someone you fall in love and everything's just butterflies and rainbows. I always use that expression. But it's true. You know, there are things that come with life that can be challenging. There's going to be obstacles. And he was just saying, like, the love I have for her,

even though I always cared about her and had feelings for her, it just continued to grow as we built a life together. We had to build that and work on it every single day to get to a place where there's such an ease and comfort and we know that where each other's home essentially. And I thought that was so beautiful. I was like, that is so sweet. And it's a really healthy way of looking at things

and it's a really grounding perspective to get from someone who has children and who is married. So yeah, I thought I would just share that. But he was also giving me advice, okay? tying this back into what I was talking about earlier, about communication, and knowing your worth and setting boundaries. And I was telling him about, you know, a few situations that I've been through in the past, and he was like, you just have to cut it off, like you have to cut it off, plain

and simple. Don't focus on getting married as your end goal, okay? That just happens naturally when you least expect it. Like you don't have to harp on the details of when I'm gonna meet the perfect person, when I'm gonna find my soulmate. You don't need to do any of that. Just focus on building your career

and being a boss ass bitch and doing whatever the fuck you want, because you have no ties right now and all of that shit will come and you don't have to focus on getting yourself the perfect person, like just focus on yourself and love yourself essentially. And I was like, oh, that ties in perfectly to my whole podcast.

He's never even listened to the podcast but I'm gonna send him this episode, of course, when it's done. But I was telling him about my podcast. I'm like, yeah, like, I have a podcast called date yourself instead. And that's why I'm asking you these questions because I'm genuinely fascinated your perspective from a man who's married and like, you've been through a lot. You've been through a lot of situations with women in your life. And now you have that life that a lot of people want. Like you have the wife that you love

and the kids that you love. So it was pretty cool. It was a really great way to catch up with him, but he was just saying like, cut it the fuck off. If it's not serving your peace and your growth and you're, you know, getting your energy mixed in with someone who's not even gonna be your future,

there's no point because this is your opportunity to shine and work on yourself and build your career and do what you love to do. And that shit will come eventually if you want it, you know? So I thought that was really solid advice. I thought it was a great conversation. And he was also saying like, you should definitely bring guests on the podcast to have conversations with

because this is a great conversation to have. I'm like, yeah, 100% you're right. So I'm definitely going to bring guests on the podcast eventually because I think it's really cool to hear other people's perspectives, especially from a male perspective because this is a female perspective. But yeah, so if his advice helped, if it resonated, maybe I'll have him on the podcast eventually. So if you liked that little bit, send me a DM and let me know. Another thing that I wanted to touch on is if you're afraid to let someone go in general, right? Letting them go, if you know that it's just not working and you know that you're

on edge all the time and you just don't feel 100% good about the situation. Trust me when I say letting them go is going to give you something better. I was watching this YouTube a few nights ago and I might have mentioned this before, but this guy was preaching on a stage and it was a great speech. I have to look up the title of it. I'm not really sure. I watch a lot of YouTube videos, but he was saying how. I have to look up the title of it. I'm not really sure. I watch a lot of YouTube videos But he was saying how sometimes you have to let go of good to receive better Like even if you have a situation where you feel pretty good

But there's a lot of things that you're compromising or sacrificing and you know, you're not a hundred percent happy Maybe you're 80 percent happy, but there's 20% where you're just like, ugh, like, this is really fucking up my piece. Like, 80% of the time, it's great, but then the 20% is making me feel like shit. Is it worth it? And when he said you have to let go of good for better, it really hit me hard.

It was like a fucking slap in the face because I'm like, that's applying to so many things in my life that I've tolerated before. So many different relationships that I've tolerated in the past. I'm like, I've thought things were good. I thought things were great, but there was always a big chunk where I was like, is this right? Like, is this really for me? And sometimes, that doesn't mean all the time, but sometimes, like, those things you could work on with the other person, if you're having complications and you're going through rough patches, of course, right?

I'm not saying just scrap everything if you've built a solid relationship with someone, but this applies especially if you're just getting to know someone and you know, you're a few months into dating and it feels good, but you're missing something crucial. And you're like holding on because you're like, you know, it's good. We have a good connection.

We have fun together. I'm attracted to them. But something just feels off. Like I can't, maybe I can't be 100% myself. Or maybe, you know, I don't like the fact that they're not romantic. And that's not gonna change. I need more affection, I need more romantic chemistry.

I don't know, whatever it is that might be bothering you essentially. You don't have to settle if you don't want to, right? Some things can unfold and change and evolve and people can change. So if you think this person is willing to work on things with you, great. But you have a choice at the end of the day.

You have free will to decide if you're okay with having that 80% and missing that 20%. But that quote really stuck with me because especially in my last relationship, I would always say, you know, it's so amazing. The connection we have is so amazing, and it's one of a kind, and I feel like this guy's my soulmate. However, there was always this thought in the back of my head like, it's just not enough.

It's not enough to be in love with someone. Yes, we're in love, and yes, he treats me well. And yes, I know he loves me just as much as I love him, but sometimes love isn't enough, even though it's good, it's still not healthy because there were just other issues that I've spoken about in the why we broke up episode if you wanna go listen to that. But it was always good.

There was nothing wrong with our connection. And I was treated great. But it just wasn't enough because I was still unhappy. Like I was still genuinely going through all these dark, clouded emotions where I would lose sight of my purpose, lose sight of my career. I didn't feel empowered. And when you're around someone, if you don't feel good and empowered, that's a sign to get the fuck out, even if you love them to death. So just remember that quote. I wrote it down like 10 times when I was, you know, when I watch YouTube videos, I write down notes and I take notes for the podcast so I can come back and share what I've learned

with you guys. And I am coming out with a course called Dare to the Tatch. It might be out by the time I posted this episode, and it covers a lot of what I've learned. So much more, so much more in depth, and it really is focused around learning how to let go. So go check that out. You could find it on probably linked on my Instagram by the time I post this episode.

But, you know, yes, things can be good, but sometimes you just deserve better, and the universe knows you deserve better. So, you can't be afraid to dive into the unknown sometimes. You can't be afraid to let go, because if you let go, maybe that's going to open a door for something so much greater than you could have ever imagined, but you have to trust that. That's the other key here. Trusting that concept of surrender, surrendering to the universe and letting it take care of, you know, finding a better situation for you. That's the hardest part because how do you have faith in what's not physically seen or tangible to you when you're going through the midst of a heartbreak and you lost the love of your life or so you thought, that concept of surrendering feels

impossible because you're like, how am I ever going to find better? This was the love of my life. This is the person I want. It takes time. It takes a lot of obviously healing and healing comes with time and it's normal to go through the grief. It's normal to go through the pain and the tears and weeks or months of crying because I've been there and I've experienced it firsthand.

However, there has to be a point. If you know it's just not gonna work out with this person, there has to be a point, if you know it's just not gonna work out with this person, there has to be a point where you get yourself to a place of saying, I have faith that this is working out for the best, and this is what was supposed to happen to guide me into a better situation. If you truly, truly ingrain that in your head

and actually really believe that, I promise you, you will start to attract the most beautiful things into your life. But it's a matter of really being open to receive it. And oftentimes when we're grieving and we're holding on to something, you're not really open to receiving it. That energy isn't there. You're not in receiving energy. But that's okay.

Don't rush it. You know, I'm not saying, you know, fuck this person You're not in receiving energy. But that's okay. Don't rush it. You know, I'm not saying, you know, fuck this person, fuck everything in the five-year relationship you have with this person and just be open to receiving someone better. It takes time to get to this place, okay? It takes time to heal and get to a place where you're open to receiving again. But when you do get to that place, it's such a beautiful place to be in. And hopefully you can accelerate that process by listening to my podcast and other self-help podcast. And by reading self-love books and self-help things and taking yourself out, taking yourself on walks and journaling and meditating and maybe going to therapy,

surrounding yourself with good friends, whatever you need to do to get to yourself, get yourself to that place, do it. But obviously don't put pressure on yourself to race to the finish line and say, oh, I need to jump into a new relationship. Just wanted to reinforce that. I also love this idea of when you say no to what's not right for you, you're going to open the door for something

that's truly, truly meant for you. The other thing I want to touch on is the power of saying fuck no to anything. That's not making you happy. It could be anything, not just in a relationship, but any situation you're in, if you're just not feeling it, you can say fuck no and get yourself out of it. You have that choice. For example, I used to feel the need to constantly show up at events for work and try to people please in a way. Even though I didn't even realize I was people pleasing, it was like this subconscious feeling

of like, I need to show up here, I need to stay at the party and drink and be around these people because I agreed to it. Like I made an agreement and then I was like, I need to stick to it because otherwise people will hate me, people will think I'm lame or I'm not going to get this brand deal because I left the event early, whatever it is. But learning how to just say no to whatever you're not comfortable with or whatever you're not feeling

and having clear boundaries with what you need to make yourself feel good is the ultimate power move. And I'm gonna make an entirely separate episode on this because I think it's a super important topic, just this idea of really having the power to say no and set clear boundaries. But I'll touch on it a little bit here and give you an example. Going to work events was draining for me.

I would be in a room of people and feel the pressure to drink alcohol when I didn't want to feel the pressure to network when I didn't want to and feel this need to like prove myself to everyone in the room like, oh, like, you know, I'm doing this with my life. I'm working with these brands. And this is who I am. Love me. Notice me.

I want you to be my friend. Like, I was just doing things out of the sake of caring what other people's perception of me was instead of fucking doing it for myself. Now when you learn to do things for yourself and you don't care about anyone else's perspective of you, you start to make entirely different decisions. So for me, when I stopped showing up to these events, when I said no to things, when I declined invitations, or when I just went home when I wanted to, instead of lingering at this place for another hour

or two or five because I felt like, oh no, like I'm leaving early and people are gonna judge me for that. Everything just felt so much fucking lighter and better and I felt more grounded and more powerful in myself because I was deciding for me and not for the perceptions of other people. And that's such a big thing to carry with you, especially when you're in your 20s and your 30s, and even past that in your 40s and 50s, maybe you deal with this too, where you're afraid to make decisions just for yourself.

If you were to tune out the noise and block out everything and everyone else around you, what decision would you make around a specific topic? For me, I know going out and going to these events was all for other people. It wasn't for me. Now it would be because now I know what I want and what I don't want. And now I'm very grounded in who I am so. I've gotten better at deciding what I'm doing based on how I feel but. How much are you really doing for the sake of pleasing other people or making other people feel a certain way about you.

Versus. What you're really just doing for you and no one else. I mean that's just another thing that I find to be super valuable and something. You should carry with you if you have trouble making decisions, if you have the fear of missing out on certain things, certain parties, but you just don't know where that feeling is coming from. Just really try to think about it from the perspective of once again, your higher self. Your best friend should be your higher self.

Yes, it's an imaginary friend, okay? Whatever. It doesn't fucking matter. You need an imaginary person next to you guiding you sometimes because, as I said earlier, you're not always gonna have someone at your back and call 24-7. Maybe, I guess, if you have a sister, if you have a sibling, family member, whatever,

and you get to see them every single day, or you have a best friend that you live with, whatever it is, yes, you have people around you, but there will be a time in your life where you don't have people around you, but there will be a time in your life where you don't have people around you because everyone goes through periods where they don't have people around them. It could be for a day, it could be for a week or three years. For me, having people around me has come in seasons where I'll be with my friends for a few weeks at a time and then there'll be two months where I'm alone. So it's just important to know yourself and know how to guide yourself if you don't

have anyone. And this doesn't mean isolating yourself intentionally. It just means having your own inner voice speak to you and being confident in that inner voice and knowing, you know, sometimes I need to depend on myself to make a decision. I can't ask mom and dad and my sister or my cousin or my best friend for advice. 100% of the fucking time, what do I think about this? What does my higher self think about this? How can I show up for myself to be better every single day and not depend on other people

to help me with that. I think that's a beauty of learning how to be more independent and learning how to care for yourself and love yourself and date yourself is this idea of being your own best friend. I think it's really important. And with that being said, I think that concludes today's episode. Maybe that was a little bit, you know, scattered, but I think there were some good nuggets to take away. And yeah, I love you. Thank you, as always, for listening. Hope you have an awesome day. I would love it if you guys followed me on the date yourself and said Instagram account, by the way,

and message me. I do read all the messages. I will say that. I will go through my inbox and read everything. So if I don't respond, it doesn't mean I haven't seen it. It's just because I have, as I said, hundreds of messages. But I love feedback, and it would be so awesome. And I love connecting with you guys just on different platforms.

So if you want to go do that, tell me if you liked this episode, tell me if you took anything valuable from it, and be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify. I love you. Thanks again. And stay tuned for next Monday. Thanks again and stay tuned for next Monday.