Date Yourself Instead - Your reminder to stop settling in your dating life and to love yourself first.

Episode Date: August 25, 2024

In full transparency, I recorded this episode back in July when I was still dating someone who I thought could be someone significant in my life. Although that relationship has recently ended, I still wanted to share this episode because everything I'm saying still holds the same truth to it - which is your reminder to never settle for basic behaviors in relationships. To experience someone who makes a genuine effort to see you, to spend time with you, and to focus on you - is what everyone deserves. I LOVE YOU ALL and I'm so so grateful for this community. JOIN DARE TO DETACH HERE. USE discount code detach at checkout for 30% off :) This is the last week to access the masterclass as new programs will be coming out in later this fall.

So, I celebrated the 4th of July yesterday with this new British man that I met and I mentioned him on the last episode because I think for the first time in my life, I'm approaching dating so differently where I'm coming from a place of genuine self-acceptance, peace, self-love, independence. I know exactly what I'm looking for. I know exactly what I want in a person. And to experience it and have it be brought to life in my reality, I guess you could say, is so fucking crazy.

And it almost feels like I manifested this person out of thin air. I don't want to go into the details too much because it's still so new, but at the same time this is my life, this is my podcast, I guess I could do what I want, and I know you guys want all the tea and want everything going on in my dating life. So I am going to talk about it simply because I just want to inspire people if you are settling, if you're going through a situationship or you're talking to someone that is barely giving you anything and you're still chasing down someone that isn't treating you the way that you know you deserve to be treated.

Use this as a source of inspiration, okay? I am your example. I am living proof that if someone really wants to be with you, they will be with you. If someone really wants to make a plan with you, they will. If they want to, they would. And I really struggled with this concept of if he wanted to, he would, because so viral it was so viral and there was so many people saying this on TikTok oh if he doesn't do this for you he doesn't like you if he doesn't do that for you he's not interested and while a lot of these scenarios that I was watching on TikTok were true I feel like in my head I was kind of like well it could go

either way everyone goes through shit. Everyone has their own problems. Everyone is dealing with their own battles, and not everyone can show up for you properly. I think there is a thing to note about if he wanted to, he would, which is some people just can't. Some people just don't have the capability. They can't really show up for you properly

because they haven't done the inner work for you properly because they haven't done the inner work to heal or they haven't done enough work on themselves to be the partner that they could potentially be. And so you're stuck with this idea of like, oh, if you really wanted to do something for me, you would do it. But at the same time, if that person just isn't emotionally capable because of their wounds, because of their trauma, because of their past, then you can't really do anything about it. You just kind of have to surrender to the fact that they're not going to of their wounds, because of their trauma, because of their past, then you can't really do anything about it. You just kind of have to surrender to the fact that they're not going to be that person for you. And it doesn't take away from how special you are. It doesn't

take away from how important you are or how valuable you are. It's simply not a reflection of you. It's just they're not capable. And once you really accept that and you make peace with that, you can open up a new door for something better. And you could open yourself up to a new opportunity where there will be another person that is capable and that can meet you where you're at and that is willing to open their heart up and show up for you in an entirely different way.

So in the past, I would always say, oh, I know this person is capable and they're just not giving it to me, but that's not your responsibility. That's not your business to try to pull something out of someone. The right person is going to show up for you. And I'm experiencing it firsthand with this person that I met. And I hate to admit this because I was so against dating apps and I've always said on my podcast, I don't use dating apps. I think they're shit.

And lo and fucking behold, I match with this guy on hinge. Now I matched with him on hinge while I was still in New York and doing my thing over the last few weeks. And yeah, we just started talking. And then he told me that he was a Pisces. And I kind of freaked out because I've heard some crazy things about Pisces. My brother's actually a Pisces and he's the most sweet, emotional,

really kind person I know. So I don't have anything wrong with Pisces men at all. But a lot of people in my DMs, when asked oh like what astrology sign is the worst it was all Scorpio and then Pisces So in my head, I'm like, oh my god, should I be scared? But I'm like, you know what? You can't judge someone solely based off of their astrology sign and we were talking about it and he was like, yeah Some girls have literally just ghosted me on hinge because I told them I was a Pisces.

I was like, oh my God, that's so mean. That's like literally so judgmental and sad because I feel like that's a thing. Now people will literally stop talking to you if you don't have a quote, compatible astrology sign with theirs. So I honestly was kind of a little bit like I'm not really sure. I don't really like using dating apps. I fucking hate using them as I just said. So I kind of just stopped replying and then we just stopped talking for a few days. And then I think he like went on vacation and I was just like, wait a second. For some reason, he popped into my mind a few days later.

And I was like, let me go back on the app and message him again. So I messaged him again. And then I was like, yeah, just message me on Instagram. We could chat there. So then we moved the conversation over to Instagram. It started up this whole thing. I realized we did get along.

We were voice noting each other. And it sounded like we would get along pretty well. So I was like, all right, let's just see, okay? Open mind, going into this free spirit, living my best single life. What's meant to be will be if it ends up being a good date, if we meet up in London, it'll be great. If we don't meet up, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it. I have friends there, I'm working there. I had a whole plan set up when I got here. So the last thing on my mind was finding someone

to hang out with and spend my time with here, honestly, because I just have been embracing my independence and I've been embracing, I'm embracing this concept of just really loving my life single and doing me. And it feels so empowering. And aside from that, just working on myself in therapy and working on myself through Kundalini, I've been doing these healing sessions with my friend Isabel who lives in Bali. She's incredible. Been doing that. I've been meditating. I've been working out. I'm in such a good flow of life that I don't want anyone to come in and fuck it up. So I'm like, okay, if it's good, it's good, but I'm not going into anything with any sort

of expectation, which is, I think, the best way to approach dating, 100%. Because there's no weight attached, there's no pressure attached, and you don't have to worry about anything. You're just like, all right, I'll show up if it's good, then I'll take it from there. But if not, then I still have so many other things I could be doing with my time and that's fine. So we end up meeting at a pub near my hotel

and I love the English culture and the pub life. It's so different from my New York life. And I don't go to pubs in New York City. I rarely go out in general because I'm always working. So for me, this is so exciting. And I feel like I'm in some cool fantasy film whenever I'm in London, because I just feel surrounded

by this ambiance of English culture. And it's so exciting for me, whereas obviously everyone who's English is like, this is just a typical boring after work situation. But for me, it's like the coolest thing in the world. So yeah, we ended up meeting at a pub because I wanted it to be really casual. I feel like so many women nowadays, and no judgment at all, but expect to be thoroughly wined and dined on the first date, which is fine.

If you have really high standards and you really expect that, that's totally valid and I love it. But that's not me. I will say I need a casual first date situation before I go to dinner and get to know you on a deeper level because if I don't like you, then I feel like I'm fucking trapped and I don't want to feel trapped. I'm very big on my freedom and feeling very independent.

So if I agree to a nice romantic dinner with you and drinks, and it's like a whole four or five hour type of scenario, and I don't like your company, then I feel like it's an inconvenience for me. So I look at it from that perspective, whereas some women might be like, no, I need to go to dinner and have a nice romantic first date.

But I don't need to get a free meal right away and just not enjoy the experience overall. Like I would rather be in good company and go to a pub and just have a quick conversation. And if it's good and all goes according to plan, then let's go to dinner. Does that make sense? Okay. So that's just my preference, by the way. I don't want to offend anyone by saying that. But I know there's a lot of hype on social media nowadays about this is what a man should do when you go on a first date. He should be offering to take you here and there and XYZ, but I'm like, yeah, but what if I don't like him? And then I'm like stuck. You get the point, right? So that actually also happened to me once, and it

was traumatizing because this man asked me to go to dinner and to see a movie. And thank God we went to dinner first because I didn't like him and I didn't want to go see a movie and to sit with him for another three hours in silence would have been awful and I ended up leaving a day early. So you just got to do what works for you. This is what works for me. Sorry, I'm going off on a crazy tangent right now, but just want to give you the full background of how I met this person. And the pub was great.

All was well. We were having a really nice chat and I felt he was super attractive to me. He's super tall, like best smile ever. I'm like, oh, so cute. And at some point in the night, he's like, oh, I have to use the bathroom. Are you going to be okay? And as he said that, I saw this man out of the corner of my eyes staring at me as he was getting up to go to

the bathroom and this man had two tears on his face and like all over his body he just looked like he just got out of prison. I was like oh my god I don't know not to judge but he did he just looked kind of crazy and he kept looking over at me. And you know, when you just get a weird feeling where you're like, oh, fuck, like this guy is like eyeing me down, he's gonna say something. I just knew before it even happened, what was about to happen.

And he's like, oh, are you gonna be fine just sitting here by yourself? I'm like, yeah, no worries, go to the bathroom. So my date goes to the bathroom and literally not even 15 seconds have passed and this prison, this man from prison, just kidding, but he just looked so scary. He runs over to me and he's like, I'm not going to have to beat up that guy for you. Will I? What did he say?

He was like, oh wait, I'm trying to remember what he said. He was like, he comes over to me and he's like, I'm not gonna have to beat up your man or will I? And I'm like, or will you? What? He's like, I'm not gonna have to beat that guy up for you, right? And I'm like, no, no, no, all's good, whatever. And he's like, oh, all right, I saw you from across the room

and you're the prettiest girl in here. And I had to say something, but I know you have a man's. And I'm like, yeah, well. And then like, I started word vomiting because I got so nervous and I was like, yeah, well, I just met him. And I'm like, wait, why did I say that? Because now I'm like implying,

I felt like I was implying, oh, he's not my man. But it really just came out wrong because I was so caught off guard. And I was like, oh, fuck. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I mean, yeah. And then he's like, oh, I'm assuming you're not from here. I'm like, yeah, I'm not. I'm from New York.

And I was literally like sweating. I didn't know what to do because I was almost like scared. And he's like, all right, well, I'm going to leave you to it then. I'm like, okay. And he walks away. And then my date comes back and he just sees my faces like white as a ghost. And he's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, pretty sure that like gang member over there just told me he was going to beat you up. He's like, what the fuck? I'm like, yeah, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening right now.

Can't make this shit up, just crazy shit. Whenever I come to London, I just have these like wild things that happen to me. So we start laughing about that and it became like a joke for the rest of the night. He's like, yeah, like better watch out. He's like, yeah, I'll protect you. I was like, okay, great, sounds good. So that kind of broke the ice a lot and the rest of the night was just really fun.

And then we went to this speakeasy after the pub and he was touching my hand. And keep in mind, we really had just met, but we had been talking for a couple weeks before that but it just felt like we had known each other for so long and he was like touching my hand and he's like Sorry, sorry if I'm touching you and it's weird. I was like no, it's it's weird because I didn't even notice it It just felt so natural and I think that's something that I've noted when you know Something is aligned or feels right with someone everything just feels so easy. Everything just feels so natural. And

regardless if this situation works out or not, this is so cringe for me to even be talking about this because we're not dating, we're not in a relationship at all, and I don't even know what's gonna happen. I could talk to this guy and then tomorrow it's like over. But it's just having this experience is so eye-opening for me and it's teaching me so much about what it feels like for things to feel right and just to feel good and natural and easy. And regardless of the outcome, I'm very grateful

that I experienced it because it was so good. And we both were like, this is such a good date. Now, on this concept of kind of creating your own reality and manifesting things such as amazing dates, amazing experiences, exciting adventures, kind of what I'm living right now, the key to do this is something I'd like to call the Miracle Notes Method. Now, this is a key part of my Masterclass, Dare to Detach. It's also going to be a part of my Mind Body Soul Reset program coming out later this summer. And the Miracle

Notes Method is a method that I created a couple of years ago, and I saw instant, crazy fucking results from this method. Now all of the details on how to use this manifestation method are in my courses, and I've had so many amazing reviews just from this method alone that have changed the game in manifestation for so many people. I literally just got this DM this morning. This girl writes, this miracle notes thing is amazing and I have to share this with you. This morning I wrote, I receive money from expected and unexpected sources of income.

I just checked my bank account and my company randomly credited me. This has never happened before. And granted it's only a small amount, but that is still so random and only a few hours after I set this intention. I'm so happy I took your course. I'm actually blown away." People from the Data Detach Masterclass have attracted insane things that they never thought they could attract. Instant manifestations, instant results because of the Miracle Notes Method just alone. And then there's so many other things such as the meditations, the quantum leaping exercises, and other video tutorials to help you manifest and attract your wildest dreams.

But this method in particular, I use a lot. And I'm going to give you a little sneak peek preview of what it consists of because I know so many of you are curious and so many of you have been on the fence about joining and I just want to give you a little rundown because I think it'll be very useful. So it's basically setting your intention. Now you could write it down on a piece of paper, but you could write it in your notes. Setting an intention of what you're going to expect out of life or your day or the current moment or in a few hours from now

I've done this with so many scenarios. I'll give you an example When I went to London last year I remember when I would always check my suitcase the Heathrow Airport would always be a fucking nightmare to get your luggage when you Get off the plane after flying the last thing you want to do is be waiting another hour for your luggage when you get off the plane after flying. The last thing you want to do is be waiting another hour for your luggage. And it's happened to me so many times where I'm like, Oh my God, it just adds another hour to your travel time. You're exhausted. You just want to get to your hotel. And I was like, you know what, I'm using this method now to speed things up because I do not want to be waiting for my bags. So the last time was last year,

for the holidays when I traveled with more luggage than usual, I had to check my bags and I wrote in my notes, I am receiving my bags instantly as soon as I get off the plane. My bags are the first out and I set the intention. Now you really have to set the intention. I mean, of course you can expect things, but it's always better to just communicate to the universe what exactly it is that you're looking to get out of it. So for me, that was the intention. I set it and then I let it go.

I detached, wasn't obsessing over it, wasn't thinking about it again. Oh my God, I need my bags first. You can't do that, because that just creates energetic resistance from getting what you want. It's just about kind of setting the intention, writing it down, and letting it go, not thinking about it anymore. You're expecting it. You're confident. You are confident that you are going

to be receiving it. And it's not even a second thought anymore. It's just happening. So I got off the plane, swear on everything in my life. I go to the carousel. My bag is literally the first one out. Like actually not even like the fifth one out. It's the fucking first bag out. When I tell you how tapped in I felt and how cool I felt, I was like, oh my God, I'm a witch.

I was literally like, I have powers. This is so fucking cool. But the truth is you do have powers and it's up to you to really tap into them and believe that you have them. And a lot of people don't give themselves that window of opportunity to tap into their powers and tap into their energy. So that's a lot of what the Dare to Detach Masterclass covers, as well as the Mind Body Soul Reset program that's coming out. It covers this concept of truly just living in alignment

and embracing your powers, embracing the fact that you can control your reality and dictate what happens through the power of your mind and by rewiring your subconscious thoughts. Now, a lot of the times, people get very confused with, oh, I don't know why this isn't manifesting. I don't know why things aren't coming to fruition as fast as some other people might see results. And it's because you may have subconscious blockages.

And that's also what the Dare to Detach course focuses on, is rewiring your subconscious mind to remove those blockages because what happens is you'll have a bad experience when you're younger or you'll have a traumatic thing happen such as a breakup or a loss or debt or something that's going to cause a memory to form in your brain and it's stored in your subconscious and what happens is over time these type of memories and experiences can accumulate. So by the time you're much older, you are seeing your reality out of the lens of all of these subconscious things that are stored in your brain. And those things and those memories that you've experienced that might not be really beneficial

to you and that might feel sad or discouraging, let's just say you went through a really traumatic breakup, that is stored in your subconscious and then because you're holding on to it, it becomes a part of your reality in the future where you're like, well, all people suck, dating sucks, relationships suck, I'm going to be alone forever because your brain is kind of storing all these past traumatic things. And those things can actually create energetic blockages from attracting an entirely new life. And that's why it's so important to heal. And that's why it's so important to do the inner work to reverse all of that damage. And you'd be surprised at how much your brain is storing without you

consciously being aware of it. So that's why it's important to really acknowledge this concept of doing the inner work to heal your subconscious mind. Because even if you don't feel like you're storing anything negative, you don't really know. You don't know how much your brain is capable of actually storing and holding. There's been times where I've done tapping exercises, which it's called emotional freedom technique and you're tapping on different acupressure points in your body. I've done episodes on this before. You can go check out the episode, How to Stop Attracting the Wrong People, featuring my

best friend, Haley. She talks a lot about EFT in that episode because she's an EFT coach. And there have been things that have come up so randomly that I didn't even think about in 10 years. I'll give you an example. When I was tapping on abandonment wounds in relationships, I was just tapping, feeling myself, journaling a little bit. And I started thinking about this guy that rejected me in fucking kindergarten. And I was like, how do that rejected me in fucking kindergarten. And I was like, how do I even remember that?

It just kind of came to the surface of my brain out of nowhere. I haven't thought about this man in years and years. I'm 31 years old, OK? This is kindergarten I'm talking about. And I remember that I had this big crush on this kid in kindergarten. And he didn't like me back.

And even at that young age, you're like six years old or whatever it is, that can be stored in your brain from childhood and not, if you haven't healed it, it'll just stay there. It'll just stay stuck there and can create patterns and cycles and blockages in your future relationships. I know it sounds crazy and almost like that's not possible, but it's true. It's literally true, and this is based on actual science.

So for me, just really acknowledging that and knowing that the more you heal and the more you commit to healing those parts of your brain, the more you're gonna be able to attract and let in, the more you're gonna be able to open yourself up to new opportunities, and the more you're going to be able to attract and let in, the more you're going to be able to open yourself up to new opportunities, and the more you're going to be able to clear out all the old garbage so you can manifest a brand new reality and a brand new experience for yourself. The other beautiful thing that I want to talk about too is healing your family wounds, which

is so integrated into your relationships, whether you want to believe it or not, your parents actually shape a lot of who you are, and your relationship with your parents shapes your relationships, not only romantically, but in every aspect of your life and also your relationship with yourself. And when I started working on my relationship wounds with my dad and my mom, so much cleared out and shifted in my reality, you have no idea. When I was in Australia, I was still dealing with a lot of stuff with my ex. He was in and out, still texting me, still calling me. It was a mess.

It will be a whole series, I think, eventually, or maybe I'll write my book and just be done with it. If you guys are interested in the Date Yourself Instead book, let me know. I think it might be coming sooner than later because I have a lot to say. But I started healing my relationship wounds with my dad in particular because I think your relationship with your dad really plays a role. If you're a woman and you have a weird relationship with your dad, it could play into your romantic relationships with other men. So I was tapping a lot on that and clearing a lot of stuff out around my childhood, memories I've had of my dad. Also, nothing bad, it was nothing traumatic. I actually have a really good relationship with him,

but there were certain things I think that might've just been stored from my past when I was much younger that I never really addressed. And I'm not gonna get into the details of what it was, but just certain things where I was like, yeah, maybe that was a little weird, I never really addressed and I'm not going to get into the details of what it was, but just certain things where I was like, yeah, maybe that was a little weird. Maybe that bothered me a little bit. I never spoke up. Maybe I felt a little uncomfortable with this. And once I tapped all of that out and cleared it all out, everything fucking exploded in my romantic relationship life. It was like a huge explosion.

It was literally a volcano eruption of just emotions. I was bawling my eyes out during one of the sessions I was doing, which was all about healing relationships, healing those wounds and just addressing things that I never addressed with my dad. And what was fascinating to me was, after I kind of sat through the pain, cried it out, healed those childhood memories. My relationship with my dad instantly fixed itself. We started speaking every day frequently. He started helping me with my relationships.

We started talking on a daily basis. He would FaceTime me. I was on the phone with him for two hours FaceTiming and he was giving me a full-blown therapy session about my past relationships. And that has never happened before. I'd never faced my dad for two hours at a time. That's like really long for us.

And the fact that it happened literally a week after I had done all this healing, I was like, subconscious breakthroughs, subconscious breakthroughs. I healed those childhood wounds, cleared it out, made space for a new reality, and now me and my dad are extremely close. And in a totally different dynamic too. It's like night and day from what it was. There was a lot of tension between me and my dad. I spoke about this briefly in the Why True Love is Freedom episode. It's a video episode I recorded in Bali. By the way, cannot fucking wait to go back to Bali

and record more episodes at that studio. I miss it so much. But if you haven't listened to the episode, highly recommend. One of my favorite episodes I've ever put out, it's just about how true love is about letting people go if you truly love them, embracing this concept of true love is freedom

and understanding that you could love someone even if you're not with them. Very powerful, go listen if you haven't. But in that episode, I talk about how my dad and I kind of had this weird relationship while I was still dating my ex-boyfriend because he didn't like my ex-boyfriend and he had always told me, he's not the man for you.

He's not right for you and you're in the wrong relationship. So it kind of created this weird divide between us because I was always fighting for my ex and being like, you don't know him, he loves me, you don't get it, you don't get our relationship, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, he was fucking right.

So I think after that whole experience and then doing the inner work to heal my dad wounds on my own in therapy had nothing to do with actually talking to my dad. I didn't even speak to him about this. I just did it by myself. It changed everything, everything. And it was so eye-opening to me and so So eye-opening to me and so powerful to the point where I realized that the key to manifesting anything in life, the key to getting anything you want in life, the key to truly being happy is to clear out those subconscious blocks. So I can't reiterate it enough. If you want to change your reality, you have to change your subconscious mind and you have

to change your thoughts on a daily basis. You have to reset your brain. If you start thinking negatively, you have to catch yourself and say, nope, I'm redirecting that into something better. If you start to think of your past memories, you have to catch yourself and say, nope, I'm not going down that rabbit hole today. I'm going to think about my future and what I want out of my future. And I'm going to think about things that make me truly happy

and inspire me to be better every single day. I'm not getting sucked back into my past. And now it's a practice too, right? Healing doesn't happen overnight. Healing comes in waves. I go through days where I struggle. I go through days where I feel like I'm on top of the world. It's human.

But just making that conscious effort to get a little stronger and redirect your thoughts a little more every single day, that's what builds that new reality. That's what's going to get you there. That's what's going to get you to your manifestations and your goals. So with that being said, I think that concludes today's episode. I'm really grateful for all of you who are a part of this community, Date Yourself Instead community. If you want to immerse yourself even more in the content, in the Date Yourself Instead world, be sure to follow me on Instagram, at Date Yourself Instead, and on my personal account, Atlas. You could always send me a DM. Always let me know what you're thinking of the episodes, you're enjoying the podcast if the episodes are resonating with you

And if you have any topic requests You could always send me a message as well If you haven't already also be sure to check out the master class dare to detach and the new master class coming out called the mind Body soul reset which I'm ecstatic about coming super soon You could always use the code self love for a podcast discount about coming super soon. You could always use the code selflove for a podcast discount exclusively for all of the podcast listeners.

And also if you haven't, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify. It truly means the world to me and it also really helps the show grow as well. Thank you again as always. I hope you have a beautiful day. Happy manifesting and stay tuned for next Monday.