D&D is For Nerds - Jarren's Outpost #29 Hidden Tiger
Episode Date: February 3, 2018In which our heroes go in for the final confrontationJoin our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your ticke...ts right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: sanspantsradio@gmail.com Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadHandsome Tom: twitter.com/AwkwardTreedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello and welcome to chapter 7 of Jaren's
Outpost Rumble. A D&D's for nerds
adventure. Prisley
you can be deputized you become part of the
town guard you can become a sub commander oh hell if a rock dies you can become commander
maybe even lord if you will but you are never gonna be clean the city it slowly spreads its
wings is mine and i am its god! The balloon is still gigantic,
massive, elongated, and
slightly misshapen, but an actual
honest-to-god
castle is strapped to the
bottom of the balloon. Wow,
gnomes, what are you doing?
You know what I just remembered? I forgot
to give the zombies a turn. I'm gonna just roll
some random damage for each of you.
Mine are all dead.
Nah, I'll roll some damage for you.
These aren't zombies you need to fight.
These are just like, because you're surrounded, you're taking attacks.
Attack of opportunity, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Something like that, yeah.
It's a big homer.
One of them bites you in the arm as you're distracted by the first one.
You take eight points of damage.
It tears your arm apart. Your arm
begins to hang loose at your side.
You hear cries from way back
with the town guard, cries of surprise.
You try to crane your head to look
what's going on, but you're in the thick of it.
You can't see. You can hear, though, the sounds
of combat coming from beyond
the walls.
Leo, O'Rourke, and Greg,
you can almost smell the orcish assault.
Coming in from the rear of your formation.
Man I hate orcs so much.
So full of self loving.
The sabers and the town guard continue to hold their ground.
But the fighting is stalled.
Not because you're not fighting well.
You're still fighting better than the enemies.
But soldiers are being directed to
your rear, basically, to protect
against whatever's happening there.
So now it's like,
you guys have the numbers advantage,
but you no longer have
the numbers advantage.
It's kind of swapped into a
pyramid-y shape where there's more people behind
us than at the front.
Yeah.
Alright. G. Right.
All right.
Goggles.
Let's get them subcommanders.
Get that subcommander for me, buddy.
It's Pierce's turn, sorry.
All right, then.
Goggles, you wait.
You'd like to charge forward?
All right.
You're going to have to deal with a total of three.
They're getting thin.
You watch. We'll roll mine
You'll have to deal with
Thirteen
Well the die type
For how many zombies
You have to deal with
Gets higher
But I'm
Not rolling higher
That's right
You'll give me like twenty
No it's
If I get the twenty
I'm gonna pop the stings
No fair
I'm on sixty one
And I've got a healer with me
Yeah I know
He's got full pelt mate
I should have actually Spiz you have to deal with three I'll got a healer with me I know he's got full pelt mate I should have actually
You have to deal with three
I'll cure moderate one and get the cleric to
We'll try like what we did before
I'll crumb him in a dust
You jump over me
Smack the other in there
Alright
You charge forward
Try to grab him
Yep
You wrap both of your hands around the zombie's clammy head
And it's head just
Comes off
Right got it
The zombie's headless body staggers around
and its mouth starts like...
Drop it and boot it like football.
You channel healing energy into it.
The head crumbles to dust as you try to boot it
and your kick goes through the chest,
which is also crumbling to dust.
That's good.
The cleric grabs you from behind,
drags you back as one of
the two remaining zombies tries to take
a swipe at you. He whips
himself and you around such
that now his back is facing them,
letting go of you, and he
continues with the momentum, coming now
with his mace around,
striking the zombie,
destroying it.
Yeah, bitch.
Periwinkle, you can face down the sub-commander.
Pierce looks like he's going okay, and so does Leo.
Great.
Goggles, go for our sub-commander.
Clara and I, we're going to advance.
As you charge forward, an arrow flies over you towards the sub-commander. It skips off his shoulder pauldron, though.
Not doing any damage.
You and Clara charge in.
What would you like to do?
What would you like Clara to do?
How many zombies are we facing?
It's a sub commander.
Oh, well, because we kill the line of zombies.
The line of zombies.
Well, you're nearly to the center of this square.
Clara's there.
If you kill the sub commander, you're going to be fighting your way now into the
rear of the group, fighting the next.
They'll have their backs to us, though. Yes.
Alright. I put silver steel
away, because I'm charging into this guy.
I've got a healer with me. I pop my gauntlets.
It's on, bitch.
You swing,
and this sub-commander, you immediately can
tell, is a lot better at combat.
As he steps back, he raises his helmet to look at you properly, and you can tell that it's Lord Triton.
Ariel's dad?
Roman god, sorry.
No?
Yes.
Lord Triton was head of the town guard before Eton went insane,
before all of this happened.
He was commander to Tolton.
And technically me too, I guess, at some point.
Well, you never really spoke with him.
No, I was just way, way down.
Does he recognize me?
He whispers to you through the combat,
Periwinkle, join us.
You swing again,
but maybe you're confused this time, and
he dodges the blow easily.
You can't land a hit on it.
Join you?
How about, fuck no,
Clara. Join you?
How about, fuck you. Clara
comes round from the side and tries to blindside
him. He grabs the head of her mace as she swings and then crushes it to dust.
He's a little bit magic.
He's a little bit more than...
Does this mean it's magic?
The other dickheads.
Leo.
So where am I?
Because I went over and killed the...
Or am I just back to the...
You're back to your
You get sucked back into your
I do a couple of backflips
No you can fight with
You can fight with them if you want
But then like they'll start coming in from one side
You guys are like
So Periwinkle is the tip of the spear
Charging forwards
You guys are on his flanks
Making sure he doesn't get attacked from either side
Right
It's kind of important that you guys move together
So I'm going to leave I guess, Greg Pierce where I was
and go towards where Evelyn is.
Slot back into your lane.
I kind of like glitched the game like.
Finally facing seven zombies.
Holy shit.
I was so surprised I didn't have to face zombies.
Then I remember I killed them like.
You killed one zombie
that was what was
behind that sub commander
oh that's what I got
instead of the sub commander
no remember
you threw that thing
and I'm like
you killed the zombies
behind him
he was a zombie
so there's seven here
and then a sub commander
sub commander
just a commander
not even a sub commander
seven here
right
Triton
Evelyn
yep I think this is time to use your AOE.
Those seven.
She holds up her holy symbol in front of the seven zombies
barreling towards her and yells,
Lady Willow commands you!
Die, foul beasts!
Clara, meanwhile, standing over somewhere going,
She rolls her eyes
More like lady
Lame
Of the seven
Six of them
When motes of light leap forward
Off her holy symbol
Decimating rows of zombies
Before her
Of the seven only only one remains.
Oh, shit.
I have a golden liquid, then PW.
What does that mean?
That'd be...
Golden liquid would be a pierce.
No, it'd be a daylight pellet.
Yes, yes, that's what it is.
Yeah, we both had one.
I called it a light pollution bomb.
Ah, yes.
And yes, that's not the name of it either.
And the vial of oil, how long does that, what does that mean?
The vial of oil with the blessing oil.
Oh, that's probably already gone.
Yeah, it's one use.
That's definitely gone.
All right, then I'm going to try and thunderstab and venomstab,
but not venomstab.
Okay, that was confusing, but I understood what you meant.
Use the dagger.
Thunderstab and regular stab
Yes
As we like to call it at home
But with the venom stab
But not using the activating
You start slashing and stabbing
And doing whatever you can to this zombie
I'm an idiot
Get over the head, Leo
You're short
You destroy it
You cut it into so many ribbons
That there's not enough of it to stay standing,
and it starts falling apart.
You're a genius, Leo.
You're standing before the commander in front of you as well.
You see his face.
He's not wearing a helmet, but you don't recognize him.
You maybe know that he is someone important,
but you couldn't put a name to the face.
Evelyn, do you know who that is?
I came here after everything happened.
What the hell are you asking me for?
I've never seen this man before in my life.
Okay, then.
Sassy Evelyn.
Just had a word from, like, out of nowhere
that he said he could be important.
He just looks like someone important.
And you assume he is.
Time for the Zambos. And you assume he is.
Time for the Zambos and subcommandos.
Does everyone have any other weapons?
No.
The town guards show their fucking true colours today.
It's burning down and running.
My God, cowards.
The sabres in their charge have to charge around a set of stables and because of that the vast majority of their force is hampered because bursting out of the set stables like
a force it's hard to describe all you could say is like specters or ghosts perhaps they swoop in
at the sabers knocking a bunch off their horses, scaring a ton of them, and causing general chaos.
The sabers begin to become beleaguered.
Parts of them become separated and have to fight on their own.
The sabers are doing a very poor job.
But when the orcs try to push through the gates, and you can see the orcs now,
the town guards step up.
Unaffected by the specters, because the sabers are dealing with them,
the town guards take on both the orcs and the undead on their own
and hold their own.
Yeah!
Heroes.
They're all getting promotions if I survive this fight.
The orcish chieftain, you can tell because of his headdress and characteristic
armor
hey it's that guy again
I haven't seen you since the start of the game
chieftain whiplock
screams
bellows standing upon parts
of the broken wall up the other end
so they've attacked both ends of your
formation isolating you
like you isolated them
he stands upon rubble screaming bellowing orders he grabs in both hands his giant axe
hefts it into the crowd his axe cuts through two town guards embedding deep in a third
and then he reaches out a giant bolt of lightning leaps
from his hand to the axe
and then the axe sails
back into his hands
he cries out victoriously
and taking some of the blood
off the axe wipes it
on his face to show his superiority
god I hate orcs
classic orc move
16 town guard aim bows at Whiplock.
All of them at least unleash at once.
Whiplock is so peppered with arrows, he drops the axe and collapses.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah.
It's going to be a bloody six pack for the boys.
Whiplock has been slain.
Whiplock's dead.
Yeah.
Town guard are kicking ass.
The orc shaman, shaman gets, takes over.
She's on the other side behind where you guys are.
That's right.
Magic, though.
I hope someone gets that axe.
Pierce, how many zombies are you fighting?
Just one.
It tries to attack.
It just hopelessly throws itself against the cleric's shield.
Periwinkle.
Yeah.
Lord Triton, still holding Clara's broken weapon,
yanks her forward onto his sword.
Oh, no.
Adam.
Her, her, her.
Ah.
Quit fumble.
Pointy end goes there.
As he drags her in,
he snarls at her.
I'll kill you, you bitch.
She, with her free hand,
grabs the sword,
rests it from his control
and points it instead at him.
And when they slam together,
it embeds into him. She snarls instead at him. And when they slam together, it embeds into him.
She snarls back at him.
You first.
That's good.
That's good shit.
He takes one point of con damage.
Oh,
okay.
I assume goggles are still pinging arrows.
Oh,
that'll be on your turn.
Okay.
Sorry.
They separate.
He pulls the sword and tries to slash at her.
She slams the sword down with a gauntleted fist and it skips off dirt.
Leo, the guy you and Evelyn are fighting.
Kara's a good fighter.
You're important, yeah?
He reaches out with a hand And a gigantic bolt of lightning
Leaps from his hand
And blasts
Through you, through Evelyn
And down a line of town guard
He kills
Nine members of the town guard
Son of a bitch
Fucking sub commanders God damn it Tell you what Nine members of the town got... Son of a bitch.
Fucking sub-commanders.
God damn it.
Tell you what.
It's alright, we'll get him.
And Dio's. Oh no.
That was a lot of die.
16 points of damage to you and Evelyn.
Oh.
I did not roll out of the way in time.
Your reflexes
Cannot do lightning
They are frazzled
Piss
Hey, so I have a flask of holy water
If I pull my health potion trick again
And smash it and stab
Is it going to do any extra damage
Because it's bathed in holy water
You can just hit it with the holy water
No, but then it's like a permanent weapon
It's a metal container, so no
Oh, okay
Now just pour holy water on the zombie
Pour it on your loot
Oh yeah, I'll lube up my loot with holy water
That'll be your action
That's fine, then the cleric can get it
Pour holy water just on the cleric
The cleric gives you an odd look
Don't fucking eyeball me
He slams the zombie with his shield
And hits it with his mace
The zombie goes down
It's you standing before a commander
Oh, you're right
Hello
What's up, geezer?
You looking to rumble?
Do you recognize this one?
I recognize this one.
Show him my dick.
Have me and you...
Have you recognized this one?
No.
Your wife might.
It's a woman.
Fuck you.
You know her as Lady Forrester.
Have we ever slept together?
No, she's way too nice for you.
That's fair.
But she has.
You haven't slept with his daughter.
You know Lady Forrester is more of a mage than a fighter.
You know that she has a powerful natural magics about her.
You are aware of the concept of a druid.
You wonder where her tiger is.
Uh-oh.
Wow.
There.
You wonder no more.
It is Paralinkle's
turn.
You continue to
fight Lord Triton?
Yeah, yeah.
I've still got
four.
Do I want to
just go back to
the sword?
I'll just use the
golem one more
time and just go
for him.
Apis?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bring the
stingers out.
Apis.
Bang.
Full bloody power, mate.
What's that look, Adam?
Come on now.
Bit of a cool guy.
Also, Goggles is firing arrows, right?
Yes.
Hey!
Oh, no.
I guess one hand was good, one hand was bad.
Unless it's like what happened to me that other time.
And they're just bad.
Where, no, I killed the guys, but then I couldn't make the gauntlets go away.
Oh, right.
Remember?
That was bad.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm fucked.
I don't know what's happening, but I don't know what's happening either.
I've been choosing, like, a lot of different cards.
Speaking of fails and haps, I don't know what's going on.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Hope is just like, and you missed.
Go fish.
Okay.
First, you go low, stabbing him in the belly,
looking him dead in the eyes. He turns from Clara to look at you, surprised.
And you begin to just work your stinger all around in his gut.
You feel it because you have sensation through it.
You feel it catch on his lungs and you drag them down and around.
As you drag them down and around, you feel it catch on his intestines.
You drag them up and around.
You feel it wrap around. His heart begins to and around. You feel it catch on his intestines. You drag them up and around. You feel it wrap around.
His heart begins to wrap around.
You're just churning his insides like a big pot of spaghetti
that you put a spoon in and stir it around.
Organ scramble.
Double damage and a D6 con damage.
Jesus.
He's con-stuffed.
Also, as I'm doing this, I'm looking him dead in the eyes,
and I just say, no, I'm good, thanks.
Oh, yeah.
You deal.
Jesus H.
Jesus H. Willikers.
I hope Goggles got him with an arrow as well.
And then Clara's going to hit him.
Oh, fuck.
You've destroyed him.
Decimated.
You deal 42 points of damage.
Call the cops.
That's crazy.
And one point of constitution damage.
Then, as you swing with your next blow,
his gauntleted fist grabs your gauntleted fist, jerks.
You hear a snapping in your arm, and he redirects your blow
into your eyes. Jesus. The world goes dark.
Am I blind? Or am I dead?
Go for the eyes. Uh-oh.
Both eyes?
Everything is dark.
Also, you take three points of damage from your aphid.
That's right.
Can I still tell Goggles and...
Have I told Goggles and Clara what to do?
You can tell them what to do.
What did you want them to do?
Well, Goggles and I wanted to shoot an arrow at Dickface.
I'm now going to tell clara fix my eyes
you feel a gentle hand on your shoulder and she says i can't good oh fuck you're now my eyes All right, then. You hear her yell out,
I'm draining his hit points.
And right in front of you, you hear,
So I guess, did Goggles get anyone with an arrow?
Goggles missed.
Fuck you, Goggles.
I don't mean that.
She drains 25 hit points from the man.
Fuck me.
How is he still alive?
He's a powerful boy.
They're tough.
I'm about to get eaten by a tiger.
Hey, I can't see and I'm deaf in one ear.
I'm going to tell Evelyn if we can try that maneuver we did again
where she just bum rushes and I try and do that sneak attack behind.
You're using the sentence and that sneak attack behind
and you realize you're talking to a giant cloud of dust
in the shape of Evelyn.
She's charging forward, got her sword in a readied stance, screaming.
I try and run and do a flip overhead.
Let's try and get that sneak attack.
She slams into this guy, piercing him straight through the belly.
He doubles over in agony.
She deals 17 points of damage to him.
Oh, yeah.
You run over her back, grabbing his tunic as you come down, and you stab once.
Then when you've got that dagger, you stab a second time.
Your second dagger skips off the back of his armor, but your first dagger deals 15 points of damage to him.
Seek.
Then it is
the tiger's turn.
Time to get at by a
tiger.
Shine bright like a tiger.
Shine bright like a tiger.
You're not wondering where the tiger is for very long.
A field mouse
scampers towards you.
It leaps through the air at you.
And as it leaps,
it turns into a tiger mid-jump.
Ah, fuck.
The tiger odds are even.
Odds.
Lands on you.
Fuck!
Gee, fuck, Pierce.
You're the luckiest boy in the world.
Oh!
Eat shit, tiger.
Eat dirt, actually.
Eat dirt, actually Eat dirt, you fall prone and are blinded for Three rounds
Blind tiger, get it good
The tiger falls forward and as it goes down
Or like leaps over you too far
And as it comes down, the cleric swings with his morning star
Catching the tiger right in its face
It yips and then tumbles end over end into the dirt Awesome Cleric swings with his morning star, catching the tiger right in its face.
It yips and then tumbles end over end into the dirt.
Awesome.
The cleric spins around such that his back is to you.
He says, you got the woman?
Oh, his.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
The woman.
I bet I don't.
I bet I don't.
Charges forwards with a scimitar.
She screams.
All right.
Good.
Slashes at you with the scimitar.
You take five points of damage.
All good.
All right.
That's not mean of my good with it.
The tiger's blind and prone.
Give me the tiger, Clare.
Yeah, right?
What the fuck?
Rude dick.
Odds or evens?
Is that directed at me?
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Odds?
Odds.
I meant evens, so that's good.
Here we go.
Clara screams.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I can't tell what's happening because I'm blind.
Oh, no.
If Clara dies, you're just a blind boy.
A blind boy in the middle of ghouls.
She screams, my hand!
You feel something warm splash on your face.
I don't like that. I don't know what's going on.
Then Leo.
The guy slowly starts pulling himself off Evelyn's sword and backing up.
No, no, no.
None of this.
He gets a couple feet away from you and then wind.
A burst of wind buffets both you and Evelyn.
Sheet.
Both of you fall prone and are blown far back away from him.
You don't take any damage, but he's not fighting you anymore.
You got to deal with some zombies next turn.
Ah, damn it.
You got to deal with.
Fucking deal with.
Eight zombies.
Eight?
Oh, Dios mio.
Dios mio, Superman.
I think I've cursed this by saying that we were winning
and now I'm blind.
Greg Piss is fighting a monster lady.
And you're in zombies again.
You're back in zombie town, USA.
Don't worry.
Maybe the guard will come and help us.
Who are the sabers?
The sabers get a hold of themselves
and begin cutting down the specters.
As they are the only people who can have magical weapons,
they take it upon themselves to blunt the force of the specters against the town guard.
They take heavy losses, but in the fight,
they begin to win against the thousands of spectral soldiers.
They're slowly making progress, and some of them begin mounting
up again and charging into the undead hordes. Some of them even devote themselves to the orcs.
And as the orc chieftain starts casting a prayer over the enemy soldiers, reaching out with an
empty hand and an outstretched arm holding a stick with some sort of weird magical rattle on
it.
Mid spell,
a saber rides past,
swings a sword and lops the shaman's head off.
So far the orcs have been about as useful as my eyes in this fight.
Leaderless,
the orcs begin to flee.
Town guard,
chase them and cut them down easily.
Excellent. Good. I mean and cut them down easily. Excellent.
Good.
Good.
I mean, like, a massacre is happening.
The orcish forces go from, like, 800 to maybe 400 in the matter of, like, 30 seconds.
Sweet.
Town guard destroy them.
Town guard has been doing very well, gotta say.
Pierce.
Right.
I would like to...
I'll just cast confusion on her.
Just regular confusion.
You see her throw it off as if it were nothing.
Damn.
Never mind, Dan.
The cleric, what do you want him to do?
Change with you?
Yeah.
Swap places.
Swap places.
You swap around.
The cleric barrels forward towards her. On you? Yeah. Swap places. Swap places. You swap around. The cleric
barrels forward towards her.
On you, Gavin.
He swings, but she
ducks underneath the blow and laughs at him.
Rude. Shit.
Periwinkle.
I'm still, I'm blind, but he's still
holding onto the gauntlet that's like pinned me in the face.
So we're still close to one another. Yeah, you can still feel
him breathing on you. Great. He's got a vis another, yeah? Yeah, you can still feel him breathing on you.
Great.
He's got a visor, yeah?
Yes.
Am I close enough to grab the helmet?
You could try.
You're blind, though, so it's like, where is it?
What are my chances of grabbing the helmet and just slamming bees into the helmet
and shutting the visor on him?
50-50.
That's good odds.
Fuck it.
My odds are going to be the same
whether I try and hit him with my gauntlets as well
because I'm too...
You're going to take damage
even if you jam it into his thing.
Bees will come out.
Oh, yeah, no, that's fine.
I'll cop it.
The bees do not obey you.
No, no, I know.
They just attack whatever's in the area.
And then shut the visor on him
to try to trap them in the helmet as much as possible.
All right, 50...
Also, noodle...
Noodle.
Goggles Oh, yep
Arrowing
I can't hit him with you in the way, boss
Ha ha
How bad's Clara hurt?
She's standing
Good
That's something
I'm right here
Highs or lows?
Highs
You guessed wrong, try again
Lows
Wait a second, this is a trap You sure, lows? No, go with highs Highs or lows? Highs. You guessed wrong. Try again. Lows.
Wait a second.
This is a trap.
You sure lows?
No, go with highs.
Highs.
Yeah.
Wait, what was the thing we did with the tiger that time?
I got a choice.
No, I'm sticking with highs.
Sticking with highs?
Nah, you shouldn't have.
You try to grab his visor, but you miss.
You still want to use Bs?
Well, no.
If I don't get his visor, I don't want to use Bs. Can I just try to... You his visor I don't want to use bees Can I just try to
You can try again
Try again?
Yeah
Great, I'll try again
You get two attacks
Highs or lows?
I'm going to go lows this time
You guessed right
You want to keep it?
Yes
You guessed right
You grab his helmet
Pop it open
And then jam bees into his face.
What the hell are bees?
Why is this shot?
Fuck you, Parawickle.
Jesus.
What a way to go.
If I could see the look on your face now.
What level bees?
They're just the small, the last bees I've got.
All right.
What level bees?
They're just the small, the last bees I've got.
All right.
You and him.
I should have treated him.
Yeah, I'm sure there'll be more people. You and him both take 12 points of damage.
That's all right.
He goes down.
Or you hear him like hit the dirt.
In any case, Goggles yells from behind you.
You got him, boss.
Clara. Is it her turn? Could she heal herself? Hit the dirt. In any case, Goggles yells from behind you, You got him, boss! Clara!
Is it her turn?
Could she heal herself?
Yeah, you hear Clara muttering,
Oh, God, goddess, please, please bring me my hand back.
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Who could he definitely?
Leo.
Right.
Eight zambies, huh?
Okay, then.
Okay, what are we going to do here?
So I'm going to order Evelyn to try and chop as many as she can,
and then I will mop up the dregs.
Fair call.
Send wood into them.
Yeah.
I can't.
I already used up my spells.
That's such a shame.
How many spells do you have a day?
Just two. I've got, like, you know, the zero
level spells, but they use shit. Yeah, yeah.
I'm looking at my zero level and just be like,
dancing lights. Yeah, I'm looking at my spells.
Evelyn catches her
greatsword, has like, on the
end it's got like a flare, like a barb
almost to it, as if it were designed like an
arrow. You did not
know why that was the case until
now you notice that that is what hooked that first zombie and she uses that again to hook this zombie
which she picks up and then bodily throws it back in the direction you came almost directing it or
you think purposely directing it at the commander that you guys were fighting.
She screams into the crowd,
I'll kill you!
I'm going to wear your teeth!
The zombie lands in between Evelyn and the sub-commander,
who is white in the face looking at Evelyn.
Is Evelyn just a human?
Yeah. Yeah, cool.
Half-barbarian.
Half-barbarian. Hubarian. Is Evelyn just a human? Yeah Half barbarian Half barian
Hubarian
Then
Leo
She kills one of them
I can't run past these guys can I?
Seven attacks of all
I don't run past them
I'll try and stab a couple
Try and get behind Evelyn, behind Evelyn and just...
You try to fight ones that Evelyn isn't fighting.
You slash a dozen times at the legs of one of them.
It topples over backwards like a tree.
Hits the dirt and does not get up.
It's not dead, but it can't get up.
It's no longer a hazard. Then
Sabers and time guards and all
our friends. Three of the zombies attempt to grab at Evelyn,
but she whips once with her sword a second time, and
you don't think zombies can feel fear, but they frankly
look like they're showing fear.
She's a scary lady.
Let's go with some evens.
Evens.
The other three zombies try to charge you, Leo, but Evelyn steps in between you and the zombies and screams at them.
Spittle flies from her face at the zombies.
They slow down to engage her.
She grabs one of them and slams the other two with them.
I'm afraid.
She's amazing. She's like a
powerhouse. I don't want to admit this, but
Periwinkle... You can't see
this. You don't have to admit this.
Good. Here's the tiger gets
up.
It's trying to find you, but it
can't. Oh, that's good.
The lord that you're fighting, Lady Forrester,
grabs a mound of dirt and hurls it at the cleric.
It strikes the cleric in the chest and vines wrap around the cleric.
Ah, shit.
They try to wrap around him, but he grabs the big, massive vines and tentacles
and tears it off him, chucking it to the ground.
Hero.
It crumples up into dead leaves.
Good, good, good.
Periwinkle, your one's dead.
Yep.
And there's no one near us for a little bit.
No, yeah, you get a round of relief.
I'm going to have a potion.
Take a breather.
Take a breather, man. Have a smoker. Have a smoker. Fix your arts. I'm going to have a potion. Take a breather. Take a breather, man.
Have a smoker.
Have a smoker.
Fix your eyes.
I don't think I can.
I imagine Evelyn would be able to fix my eyes.
What?
Correct, mate.
Evelyn or Dickhead.
Evelyn or Dickhead might be able to sort you out.
With the orcs retreating and the spectres dealt with,
the town guard and the sabres turn their attentions back on the undead.
The fight has turned from lopsided against them, lopsided against you, even lopsided against them.
You begin winning again.
The town guard and sabers begin making progress.
You can see that on the opposite side they're nearly to you.
That's good. That's good.
That's going to be useful.
Alright, Pierce.
Can I jump on the back of the tiger's head
and like
almost mount the tiger and then slam
my loot onto the back of its head?
Because the tiger's blind,
if you...
Yeah, you can try.
Yeah, I'll give it a go.
Like we're getting an explanation, and it was just like,
no, you know what, fuck it, just give it a crack.
Just do what you need to do.
Have a red hot go, sonny Jim.
Get in there, bud.
A bat, I assume a...
Oh, gosh, who knows?
Adam's looking at stuff. Do you know what magic I gave you, Luke? Yep, that's Oh, gosh. Who knows? Adam's looking at stuff.
Do you know what magic I gave you a loot?
Yep, that's right.
Keen.
It's a sharp loot.
Yeah, it's got like a blade on the back.
It's like a shiv loot.
Oh, yes.
Crit.
Sick.
Fully crit.
Fully crit, motherfucker.
Broken leg.
Normal damage and a D4 con and dex damage. Target speeds are reduced by half. Sick. Fully crude. Fully crude, motherfucker. Broken leg.
Normal damage and a D4 con and dex damage.
Target speeds are reduced by half until healed.
All right. You leap onto it and slam downwards, breaking one of its front paws.
The tiger cries out in pain.
Awesome.
So does Lady Forrester.
Yeah, good.
Are they connected?
Yeah.
So does she get hurt as well?
You deal four points of damage to it
and two points of con damage
and dex damage.
Breaking its leg.
Jesus.
Do I stay?
What's the cleric to do?
Stay on the druid, mate.
Get the druid, dickhead.
I got the tiger.
He barrels forward.
You're going to kill me?
Are you going to kill me?
She yells as he charges forward.
That's scary.
I hope the answer to these is just yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
You whip around to see the cleric tackle Lady Forrester to the ground.
He puts a hand to her forehead and says,
I'm going to do more than that.
What?
He's definitely going to be able to bring back my eyes.
He begins pulling at something on her face.
You're not sure what's happening until you recognize it
from when the blood cultist did it to you.
He begins pulling her soul out through her mouth.
Wait, shit. If her soul goes through her mouth. Wait, shit.
If her soul goes, am I just riding a normal tiger?
He finishes
with a flourish,
tearing her soul out through
her mouth. He lets it go
off into the air.
Hey, damn it!
You all...
No, you don't.
You all see the soul streaking towards the sky. What was that weird noise that sounded like a soul streaking towards the sky.
What was that weird noise that sounded like a soul streaking towards the sky?
Lady Forrester convulses and then goes still.
Damn it, that delicious soul.
The tiger turns back into a regular tiger and starts freaking out.
I have to think you've just got a taste for souls.
I do a bit.
That could be delicious.
Oh, look at that one go.
Periwinkle, your vision returns.
Oh, hey.
Oh.
Well, that's good.
Just in time to see it disappear into the clouds.
That's weird.
So I look around.
You're clear.
You can start charging towards the other side.
Clara's good?
Clara's like, you know, in Deadpool, like the little baby hand?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that rapidly growing to Like the little baby hand Yeah yeah yeah
It's like that
Rapidly growing
To a full sized hand
Cool so she'd be doing that
I'm gonna have a potion
Cause I've got three I think
I'm gonna have one of them
What potion is it?
Does it say?
Moderate
Moderate
The ones that he's got as well
We split the ones
That you used to have
You recover 17 hit points
Great
Am I on
Plus 50?
There's still a One-commander left.
Yours.
Yes.
And a tiny cup.
You're on 65.
That's good.
That's good.
No, wait.
Whatever, 65.
I think I did the maths wrong.
That's all right.
I was doing bad maths too.
I was on like not as high as I thought I could be.
Anyway.
Well, I don't need Clara to heal me.
She's healing herself.
Goggles, get that Anyway. Well, I don't need Clara to heal me. She's healing herself. Goggles,
get that commander.
Aye, sir.
His arrow lands true in the commander's thigh. What the
fuck? He cries.
Seven points of damage. Oh, he's
down. Hey, we've killed
all the commanders. What the fuck?
He falls over. no one's fighting anyone
i'm zombies riding a tiger but everyone's there helping you though right yeah uh the fight begins
to die down pierce if you want to just get off the tiger can i get off the tiger and like smack
it on the bum so it runs into the zombies yeah do that get them dickhead Get em dickhead The tiger runs into a group of zombies
Freaks out and starts attacking them
You guys stand in the clearing
In the centre
There's no human allies of
Eaton left
Just a horde of zombies that are slowly being
Picked off
Which are at the other side where we're sandwiching them in
Your men start slowly trickling
Through to the other side. The zombies
are hopelessly surrounded.
They start being cut down.
Are we winning? You take a breather.
Each of you. Sick. So we got my
those six or four that were
good. Yeah, no, she killed them all.
Yeah, like it's not a
the town guard and the
sabers are doing so well now.
Zombies are not a hassle for you guys anymore.
Right.
Great.
Well, do we all just...
Does anyone need some healing?
Yeah, give us a potion.
How are we all doing?
Evelyn looks very tired.
She's...
Can she heal herself?
No, she's not like in...
She's not wounded.
She's just tired.
Barbarian rage, yeah.
Clara turns around and says,
I can turn turn but i'm
out of magic let's turn man oh that's the air aoe burst oh cool cool no turn undead that's cool
i'll down a potion the cleric says i've got some magic left but taking souls is not easy that's
okay we've i've been moderate potion i'm on a reasonable amount of health. What health am I on? You are, by my count, on 15.
And this boy?
Oh, oh.
39.
No, you're on 39.
Oh, cool.
Pierce is on 15.
What's my max?
Do you need a health potion?
77.
I give Pierce a health potion.
All right.
What health potion?
Cure moderate.
You know what?
Have three.
As in, like, here's just three.
Just to have.
Pierce, you recover 13 hit points.
These are my health potions.
Yeah, no.
These were for us. So you have two. You've got two. 13 hit points. These are my health potions. Yeah, no. These were for us.
So you have two.
You've got two.
Yeah, yeah.
Cool.
So I'm on, like, 30.
I've got two left.
28.
Do I have one more to get myself all the way to 70-something?
I'll just say it's 65.
I've got four left.
It's fine.
I've got four left.
This guy is blooded out by darkness.
This cunt.
Where's me fucking shadow, Eaton?
Tell your fucking wife.
Do you think this fight is over?
He swoops down over the town guard who's scattering his presence.
He breathes a burst of acid.
It slams like...
Good thing I've got that cloak on.
Making a giant line along the ground.
In one attack, Eaton kills
25 members
of the town guard.
Well, I've got the cloak on, so I should
be safe there. Yeah, well, you get that cloak, you get the cloak of resistance.
If I have the resist energy acid potion,
do I drink that to up my acid
resistance? Yes.
Each of you
feel a wave of fear clutch at you.
Oh, boy.
All of you are frozen, unable to move, just gazing at the creature.
It swoops down again.
Uh-oh.
A 91 guards and members of the sabers are killed it slams into the ground swiping bang bang tearing
giant swathes out of the ground a spell rips out of one of its hands like the giant lightning bolt
but so much bigger a large section of the keep is blasted apart and showers of rocks fall down upon
the crowd. People are being
killed left, right and centre.
You're still rooted
to the ground in fear, unable to
act. Damien
Eaton kills 38 people
stomping on them.
I knew Damien Eaton was the winning ticket.
I knew Damien Eaton was the winning ticket. I knew Damien Eaton was the winning ticket.
Finally, Damien Eaton stops stomping around and turns to face you three.
Uh-oh.
Do you think this is over?
I am worth a thousand of your armies.
Finally, you're able to move.
I'm going to go to initiative because this is a classic fight.
We're going to forget the little army all around you because, fuck, they do not care about fighting this dragon.
NPCs, they're gone too.
All right.
So, your little cleric buddy piss.
Yep.
Rooted to the ground in fear.
Come on, D-Ad.
Come on.
Clara and Goggles.
Rooted to the ground in fear.
Cannot move. Clara. Char. Rooted to the ground in fear. Cannot move.
Clara.
Charges up next to you.
I've got your back.
Yeah, Clara.
Evelyn.
Come on, Evelyn.
You got this.
Evelyn shakes her head.
Holding her sword tight, says, I'm ready to die.
Gotcha.
Mad.
It's good to know.
Cheers, man.
I've got a really, really bad idea.
You're going to try and trick its mouth, aren't you?
Sick.
Fast like D&D, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm like, I got nothing.
I was like, do I try and not...
Not fucking...
Not luge the...
God damn it, I hate not following the rules.
What's this?
Just jokes muttered under my breath.
I'm sad I'm not still full of souls Because what a great moment to be like
I slit my own throat
There's only so many games
We can end with you doing that
How many games end with your suicide?
Ah, two fucking many
It's always the best move in the...
Like, it's never my fault.
It's always the right thing to do.
I've not died, though, in this game,
which is, like, very fucking notable.
You have come real close.
Yeah.
So close.
That's spectacular.
I've nearly killed you.
Eaton's nearly killed you.
The blood cult's nearly killed you.
Anyone that's not nearly...
I've nearly killed you.
We locked you in the vault. You were dead, pretty much. Yep, Leo's nearly killed you. I've nearly killed you. We locked you in the vault. You were dead, pretty much.
Yep, Leo's nearly killed you.
Pisses don't die. That's the rule.
Pisses don't die.
Piss, you act
first.
Oh, sorry.
Just give me one tick while I
grab the monster manual.
Just so you're aware,
piss, I've got a real bad idea.
Okay.
But it's thinking like piss.
That's good.
All the best ideas do.
All right.
Pierce?
I would like to cast confusion on it.
That's my last go of confusion for the day, and I doubt it'll work.
It doesn't.
You are not even able to overcome the creature's spell resistance.
Some creatures, like dragons, are so powerfully charged magically
that when a spell attempts to affect them,
it has a chance to just not...
If it's just so much weaker than their natural magic,
it just has a chance to not affect them.
That's what happens here.
It doesn't even get to a will save fuck oh uh you can move if you want uh do i think i'll be safer under it like is it
of such a size that the pack of offers you approach all right yeah whatever i'll move
i'll move behind the cleric uh he's not in this combat. You may not use anyone who does not participate.
That's fair.
You can move behind Clara or
Evelyn. I'll do that then. I'll move behind Clara.
Then it is Clara and
Evelyn's turn. Both of them charge.
No, wait. Clara stays behind.
Clara casts
some of her last magic. All of you feel
bolstered.
You get bonuses to attack and damage.
Sweet.
All right.
Evelyn, screaming, charges forward.
The eaten dragon tries to chomp at her.
It grabs her, lifts her up,
and tosses her into the air.
You can faintly hear from Evelyn,
she comes down on the dragon with her sword
Evelyn's kind of amazing
It looks like this good mixture of dangerous and crazy
Like all religious zealots are
She deals 11 points of damage to the dragon eaten
Is she on it now?
Yes
She's on its back,
slowly sliding down with her sword
embedded in. That's awesome.
Periwinkle. Alright.
I drink my resist energy
acid potion, and I've got that energy
acid cloak thing.
Pull out silver
steel, and just
run at the fucking dragon.
Silver steel is white hot in your hands.
Let's do this shit.
I run, I run, and I just jump at its gaping mouth.
Hello, beastie.
That's exactly what I yell.
Hello, beastie.
Jackson Bailey getting two Pies of the Caribbean references in.
Doing good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
As for you, Mr. Stirner, feel free to go ashore.
The very next time we make port.
Oh, it's such the, it's, but it's, it's the, this bit, it's the,
the very next time we make port.
It's because he's having such a good time.
He thinks he's so funny and that's awesome.
You slash with silver steel.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not slashing.
I'm jumping into this fucker's mouth.
Its mouth is looking at Evelyn right now.
Can I still attempt to jump in its mouth?
You reach the base of the dragon and begin trying to climb up.
You can just climb or you can attack.
Just climbing, you get further.
Yeah, I'm climbing to this bitch's mouth.
Yeah, good.
All right.
So as you climb up, you pass Evelyn on her way down.
High five.
Sup, Ev?
She smiles.
I was like, the fuck are they doing?
Climb the dragon.
I think Adam knows what I'm trying to do.
I know Zamet knows what I'm trying to do.
Leo has no fucking clue.
But Zamet is like, gosh, I hope it works.
Yes.
Me too.
The dragon rolls over with you on it.
Uh-oh.
It bites at you.
Great.
Get in your jaws.
But it can't like, it can't get its massive maw at you.
What if I wanted to, though?
It just can't reach around.
Two of its claws slash at you.
It rends you apart with its claws.
Then two of its wings wrap around and bang, bang, slam into you.
The wings, which when stretched, one of them is as large or as tall as a four-story building, do considerable damage.
Oh, dear.
Then its tail.
Fucking hell.
Is it also hurting itself?
Because I'm on its neck, I assume.
No, it's like hitting yourself assume Nah it's like Hitting yourself
It's not the same thing
Okay so
Oh boy you just took the brunt of a dragon
You took all of it's attacks
Except it's mouth
Two claws
I just wanted to get in it's mouth
Why couldn't it eat me
That's all I wanted it to do
Swallow me
Two wings
One of them.
Oh, shit. A critical hit.
It's alright.
I'm prepared to die today.
And it's tail.
Who's the captain?
You'll be captain.
Incidentally, Jack, as you were asking before.
No, Goggles will be captain.
Yes, it has a crush attack. If you get underneath it,
it can just lay down on you.
It's impossible to tell which blow is which. It's just like That'd be ridiculous. Yes, it has a crush attack. If you get underneath it, it can just lay down on you. Yeah, okay, cool. Good to know.
It's impossible to tell which blow is which. It's just like a hailstorm, but instead of water droplets, pain.
Yeah, nah, cool.
You take 30 points of damage, and after the wings have buffeted you
and the tail has slammed into you,
at first you thought that the air had just left your lungs,
but now you notice that the air will not return to your lungs.
I've got a punctured lung.
No, you've got a crushed trachea.
What does that mean?
I can't breathe.
You can't breathe.
Shit.
What do I lose every turn?
You don't lose anything.
You just slowly suffocate.
Can I perform a tracheotomy? lose anything. You just slowly suffocate.
Can I perform a tracheotomy?
Not while on the back of a dragon.
I'm just trying to get to its mouth still.
Well, you can't do both.
You have to let go of it if you want to perform a trachea.
Or I could keep trying to go for its mouth.
You got... What's your constitution?
Pretty good.
You got 12 rounds before you start suffocating.
All right.
I'm going for its
mouth is scary because every round you roll it gets a bit harder every round just a teensy bit
and it's they it starts so easy but the first time you fail unconscious then the next round no save
dead fine fine fine fine fine fine unconscious dead That's 12 rounds away though
Like that
Those 12 rounds are past like the blink of a cat's eye
Leo
Okay
Sorry about all that
Okay, okay
You can sneak attack this thing, BT dubs
Cool
Can I look around to see if there's anything I can grab from the fallen commanders?
That'd be, like, too long to check one of them and, like, keep going over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Cool.
Well, then I'm going to try and run and sneak attack somehow while it's distracted.
If you want, you can sneak attack this round, but it's an attack of all.
Sure.
All right.
Sneak attack with a dagger.
My head.
The dragon's head slams into the dirt where you were,
but a moment before.
You're on the right side of it.
You can sneak attack.
With both daggers of venom and thundering,
and I'm going to use the venom.
Just go nuts.
Just go nuts.
Anything I can, just...
Your venom attack misses,
but your thundering attack hits.
What's good against acid?
Let's see if I've got anything that would help me do it.
I've got sealing wax.
I can perform a tracheotomy and then seal it up.
Yeah.
With the locket.
Oh, imagine if you were breathing through the...
Is it the locket with your wife in it?
No, it's the locket of the other guy's wife.
That's funny.
What I need right now is a little bit of concentrated full moon
that I can just...
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
Guess what?
Now I'm...
I hate that voice.
Can we make this fight just take another 33 days, please?
Can you control when you become a were-rat?
No.
I think it's like when you get were-ratism,
it's a random chance as to what kind.
And I got the kind where I just don't even know
what the fuck's going on kind.
You deal 20 points of damage.
Oh, nice.
The most damage anyone's dealt so far.
Yeah.
All right, then.
So your second blow stabs deep into a muscle.
The muscle makes one of its legs jerk,
and it hits itself with its own paw.
Stop hitting yourself, dickhead.
Pierce.
So inspire courage.
Will that get the people out of the fear trance?
So angry
Excuse me Adam
For making you look up rules
It's like the first time we've made Adam
Actually have to look up rules
It's good
Usually we're like
We do a dance to impress him
You fail
Damn
Okay
He do a dance to impress him
Is he impressed?
No.
Ah.
He should be.
It was a real good dance.
Let me just roll.
It wasn't.
Cool.
I'll go up to them and I will start playing.
Yon dickhead, yon dickhead, wait the fuck up.
We're fighting a dragon, what needs to get got?
The cleric remains in his state of fear torpor.
Garbage.
Goggles also remains in his state of fear torpor.
Well, I tried.
Okay.
You can keep playing that every round if you want,
but that's a standard action.
Yeah, okay.
I think it lasts for rounds after you finish, though.
Oh, that's cool.
So, like, if I stop playing now, next round,
I'll have a chance to break out again.
Cool.
We should get Clara to do a...
Five rounds after.
So, after you stop singing,
the effect keeps happening for five rounds.
So, you do it three times in a row.
Yeah, I will. Don't kill me, though. No, for five rounds. So you do it three times in a row.
Yeah, I will.
Don't kill me again.
No, no, no.
And that's your standard action.
And I guess your move action is to just move towards them.
Yep.
That's your turn.
Cool.
Sorry, Pierce.
Hey, look, that's life.
Clara gets big.
Like, real big.
That's good.
Like the size of a dragon. Did she use her AOE?
Not again.
It's only undead It's turned undead
Not turned dragons
That's me stepping on many dogs
Yeah
Yeah I hear that
That last dog has a bit of fight
I hated that last dog
He put in a bit
Okay
Clara gets really big
She expands in size.
She gets that fiery halo, the light coming out of her eyes and mouth.
Oh, man, she's great.
And she charges.
She grabs the dragon by its neck and punches it once
because she, I just remembered, doesn't have her morning star.
Ah, yes.
She deals five damage.
Pick up a weapon, idiot.
Can she hear me?
She looks down at you.
Clara, pick up a weapon,
you silly goose. Is it my turn almost?
It's Evelyn's turn.
When it's my turn, I'm going to tell her to do something.
Yay!
Oh, baby darling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She got a critical 60.
Critical 60.
Critical 60.
Critical 60.
Clara gets to the bottom of the dragon, tears her sword out,
takes a couple steps back, and then swings as hard as she can,
leaning into the blow.
Triple damage, but you drop your weapon.
She sends the sword sailing into one of the dragon's eyes.
Oh, good.
Got him.
Let's blind that fuckhole.
It's going to be such a fight with the NPCs, do the bulk of the damage, and that's real good. I love it. Let's blind that fuckhole. It's going to be such a fight with the NPCs
to the bulk of the damage, and that's real good.
I love it.
That's good.
Although so far, Leo's actually done the most damage.
And he's the weakest.
I don't know.
This is going to happen.
This looks like it's going to be good.
Yeah, true.
Evelyn deals 48 points of damage.
Just out of curiosity,
before I told you that I didn't want to attack,
how much did silver steel do?
Sorry? I did a lot of damage if I had
attacked, yeah? Yeah.
Ah, well. I got a better
idea. It's probably dumber.
We'll see what happens.
Clara was like, was punching in the
face.
She's big enough to like like hold its head, yeah?
Not really.
She grabbed it, but like her hand did not fit around its neck.
It's still bigger than her.
Oh, no, that's fair.
She's big enough though to like kind of grapple with its head.
A bit, yeah.
Hold its head steady.
That's to Clara.
Yeah.
And now I'm going to try to jump in its mouth again.
Clara grabs its lower jaw and wrenches it open. Whee! That's to Clara. And now I'm going to try to jump in its mouth again.
Clara grabs its lower jaw and wrenches it open.
Whee!
You leap into the dragon's mouth. It swallows you whole.
Am I in its belly?
You're in its neck.
Slowly being swallowed.
Good.
As this is happening,
Tree Token. Slowly being swallowed. Good. As this is happening, tree token.
Grow a tree out of dragon's dinner.
It was a mighty oak, not a pissy little pine tree.
You take nine points of damage
being crushed in the creature's throat
That's okay
I'm on 24
I got 26
That's good then, I'll take that
I'll err on my side of caution
Good, good, good
Come on.
Come on.
I threw myself into a dragon's mouth.
I put a tree in its throat.
Give me a sec.
Oh, come on.
I like to think in the dungeon box.
This is why I didn't use it on that guy
What to do if your players throw some hot
What to do if you want to leave
What to do when your players
Stop playing the way you want them to play
Grab your hot bullshit
Close them
Pick them up
Stand up from your desk
Tuck in your chair
Walk out.
Politely thank the players.
Get a new group of friends.
It's going to be good.
It's a bit of angry book turning here.
Adam's like, I don't know what the fuck I can do with this information.
It's 264.
He's going to get another book.
Oh, wow.
He's pushed away the microphone and turned to another book.
I'm not going to be invited back to play another campaign, am I?
He's shaking his head.
Well, I had a really good time, guys.
Yeah, look, it's been good.
But see, I don't know.
With Adam, this could all be an elaborate ruse. Yeah, I could now die. You die. In which case, it's been good. But see, I don't know, with Adam, this could all be an elaborate ruse.
Yeah, I could now die.
You die.
In which case, it's also been really nice playing.
I guess you'll look.
Either way.
Suckle killer.
Run, run, run.
Run, run, run. Run, run, run.
Run away.
Ave Maria.
Ave Maria.
Oh, he's got another book.
He just dropped the other book in exasperation.
He just dropped the other book in exasperation.
This is not even a fucking exaggeration.
I fucking wish this was.
He's put down the book and now he's turned on the computer to perhaps scour the internet for a rule.
How are you prepared for all the stuff that Jack threw at you,
but not tree gullet?
So, there is a rule that governs what you are doing, but it's a very obscure rule, and it interacts with another very obscure rule.
Right.
So, the swallow hole rule is currently interacting with the crushing rule.
Yes.
I understand vaguely both of them, but not completely either of them.
So it's not actually about the tree
token, whether it would be effective. It's about what happens to
me in the throat. So, I'm trying to work out
how much damage
does the dragon's throat
need to take before it bursts open?
And in that time, how much damage
do you take? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fair. It's a tree, though.
Oh, no, no, no.
The tree's fine.
The tree's going to happen?
The tree's happening.
Yes!
If I die, I don't care.
I planted a tree in a dragon.
Hopefully it'll just burst out.
You can just pop one out.
Climb out the tree.
Yeah.
You just, like, trach yourself.
Yeah, I can't breathe.
12 rounds, 12 rounds.
Just drink a health potion and trach yourself. Yeah, I can't breathe. 12 rounds. 12 rounds.
Just drink a health potion and trach yourself.
I could trach myself in the gullet.
I'm not going anywhere.
Why don't you get the time?
I just sit on the tree as it grows and pencil in the throat.
Lock it in the throat.
I could sting my throat, yeah.
It's a sharpie.
Where did you get the tree token from?
Who gave it to you? Who sealed the fate of the dragon. I could sting my throat, yeah. It's a sharpie. Where'd you get the tree token from? Who gave it to you?
Who sealed the fate of the dragon?
I stole it from... Bruce Bizzlebop.
Bittlecoff.
Yeah, Bittlehoff.
Bittlecoff.
I stole that, the locket, and the cloak.
All from him.
That makes me resist acid.
Yeah, everything that he gave you.
I mean, maybe not the locket.
No, the locket's going to help me with the tracheotomy.
I'm going to sit it in place and, like, pinch the skin shut.
That's what you're using to breathe through.
Oh, boy.
So.
So.
I feel like this is like when you're, like, a math board.
Is this a decent impression of Adam when he's like,
what is going on?
Hang on.
Yes. Yes. It's like It's good. It's
calculated bewilderment. Yeah. Yeah. How I think it should be described. All right.
So the dragon's neck begins to
bulge as if a tree, a tree that is 60
foot high with a 40 foot diameter is bulging out
of it.
You take 11 points of damage in the first round.
That's all right.
So does the dragon.
But the dragon doesn't die.
You don't die.
No.
Nothing's happened just yet.
Then in the second round, oh, leaves are sticking out of the dragon's mouth.
It's cool.
Eyes are just up, up, up. Can we do the dragon's mouth. It's cool. Eyes are just...
Can we do stuff?
Can I drink a health potion while this is happening?
No.
There's no room.
You're just like crushed up against...
Yeah, true, true.
I can't even do a cheeky track.
Hey, if I come out of this though, you can hear me once I pop out,
even if I'm like...
17 points of damage.
Now...
No.
Wait, that's 28 in total.
You're on negative two.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
I figured that out.
I'm prepared to die to kill this dragon.
All right.
Two hit points.
Breaks its throat open.
And you're safe.
Eight hit points. Kills you. Hang on. So safe eight hit points kills you hang on so two hit
points on this roll yep two hit points will burst open its throat and you are freed there's four
dice so minimum four you're definitely getting out this round but if you take eight points of
damage i'm dead you have been crushed to death.
Oh, no.
That's all right.
Well, the tree will then burst out of the dragon anyway.
Yeah.
It was nice knowing you, Terry.
Oh, yeah, the dragon's dead.
Yeah.
Break its head off.
So I'm either going to kill the dragon and live,
or I'm going to kill the dragon and die.
Yeah, pretty much.
I'm pretty happy with those options.
Okay.
I might just sit down.
Can you pass these to Handsome Tom, please?
Oh, fuck, no.
I don't want to have to do stuff.
Like, all of them?
All of them.
Just on the table?
Yep.
What do I need, less than?
You need less than eight.
You have a very small chance of living here.
Yeah, it's tiny.
I've actually got to roll all ones.
No, if three of them are twos and one of them is a one.
If I roll a six, I'm fucked Yes
I'm gonna die
Yes
Dead
Oh my god
Oh, periwink
Peri
That's so sad
The dragon's neck explodes in all directions
Its head
Hits the ground Its. Hits the ground.
Its body.
Hits the ground.
In its place.
A giant blood red tree.
Stands.
Slowly.
Sliding off the top of the tree.
Wet.
Bits and pieces. Of at first you assume the dragon but then you notice that's periwinkle's
arm oh that's one of periwinkle's feet that's periwinkle's not head but face Every zombie that hasn't already been killed
Drops
Like a marionette with its strings cut
What does this mean for the future
Of Jaren's Outpost
Find out next time on
Jaren's Outpost Rumble
A D&D is for Nerds Adventure
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Don't call them dickheads.
Nah.
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