D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company II #6 Good Boy Good Boy Good B-
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I bet all y'all out there were wanting to start your 2022 right.
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In 2019, we did an episode called How Would You Curse a Small Village that came out so heinous we couldn't put it on the public feed.
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how would you curse a small village?
February 19th,
5.30pm at the Comedy Republic.
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Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company
A swarm of locusts is eating crops
Once again in the area surrounding Greyhill.
The swarm of locusts is believed to be the work of a witch
or some sort of malcontent mage.
You're going to take the boy who needs a song.
You're going to take the locust problem.
Yeah, look, let's just do the local boy first.
The swarm of locusts, and then swing up to the castle.
You've got to realize, in the last maybe less than a week,
Gloppel has become a spider, realized, oh no, he's fucked up,
gone to a better druid than he will ever potentially be,
realized, like, I couldn't even really identify where the grove was.
It took me a bit.
He's a half-orc, yeah?
Yeah, he's a half-orc.
Okay.
Do they go beards?
Yeah.
I'm going to need someone to teach me.
Morimash shaves, though, so...
Oh, yes.
Well, I will be definitely...
If I ever see that happening, I'll be like,
how do you do that?
Morimash gestures to the path that he needs to now cut down.
He bids you all good day,
and then he heads off to Greyhill on his own. It is
shocking the amount of wheat that
has been clearly destroyed by
locust pests. Right.
What can you tell us about the locusts?
Locusts have been sweeping
through this place for about
maybe three, four days now.
There have been some other adventure
parties come
through chat to me as well.
None of them have had any luck so far.
We think there is some sort of malicious nature to the locusts.
We've seen this sort of stuff before.
Or we've seen locusts before, but not like this.
This is almost targeted, almost an attack.
And the other farmers agree. We don't think this is almost targeted, almost an attack. And the other farmers agree.
We don't think this is natural.
We think there's some ill magics about it.
Oh, right.
So this is not like, say, you know,
there's been a period of, say, drought or whatever,
where all the grasshoppers come to get it.
Yeah, we've had locusts before.
This is something else.
I've never seen a locust attack an animal like that before.
Yes, no, it does sound rather bizarre. seen a locust attack an animal like that before. That sounds rather
bizarre. Did you notice anything else
happen around the time things got bad?
Did it seem like one
bad thing happened and then this happened?
He racks his brain.
No, nothing that I can think of.
Do you know any enemies
if you have? As a matter of fact i do
uh the and you won't hear it from me but a few farms down uh just back of the direction you came
there is a uh one of the farmers there a man by the name of... A man by the name of...
A gnome, I should say.
Not even a man.
A gnome by the name of Yim
came into this area.
He's got strange contraptions
kicking about,
making a noise and whatnot.
I wouldn't be shocked to hear
that this is all something to do
with one of his foul,
foul monstrosities that he constructed.
Am I getting the vibe that this man is justified?
Scared of change?
Is he racist?
Are we getting racist vibes from this man?
Yeah.
Are we just getting like he's a little bit like racist
slash gnomes do some weird things and it's like new technology
and back in my day we didn't need that.
Is he channeling his fear into...
This sounds more like gossip than fact.
Right, yes.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Tree stump, illiterate but still capable of understanding racism.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, that's very serious.
I don't think it would be very proper of me.
I don't know how to read that, but, you know, I know how to be kind.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
Yes, well, we'll definitely go and check out this Yim fellow.
All right, so what do you do? We're going to go check out this Yim fellow. All right.
So what do you do?
We're going to go say hello to Yim.
As we're on the road.
Oh, yeah, I know where's Yim.
Yeah, well, let's go chat to Yim.
I'm guessing they might know a bit more of what's going on in the area.
You turn back the way you came, head a few farms back,
and you see a – it looks more like a hobby farm than anything else.
And you see a, it looks more like a hobby farm than anything else.
You know, the sort of farm that you might find in a, like a cheery,
a cheery, like rural village in, I don't know, Holland or something like that.
Imagine like a miniature windmill slowly turning around.
Maybe on the way up, you noticed this and you thought it was very cute and quaint.
It's a squat little hovel, kind of almost like a hobbit house with a big round front door but a lot of accoutrements out the front there are a
great deal there is like almost an entire city of garden gnomes out the front lawn gnomes or
garden gnomes whatever with like like pointy red hats all in various different leisurely activities, some swimming, some fishing, doing whatnot out in the front lawn.
There's the, like I said, the miniature windmill up the back,
which slowly turns, and you can see that it appears to be a miniature,
but nonetheless functional windmill that is quite clearly milling something
as you watch it work.
There's like a beautiful little brook that naturally flows
through the farmstead.
It's much smaller than any other property.
And you see like a veggie patch out the front that extends
round the side and into the back.
Is this like perhaps the nicest farmstead we've seen?
It's definitely the nicest farmstead, yeah.
There's a lot of little gadgets as well that just slowly chinkle,
whirr, or make other sorts of noises and emit small puffs of smoke.
One of them is clearly this, like, imagine like a wheel.
No, a ball, not a wheel.
A ball with many grabbing hands on sticks.
It's rolling through the veggie patch,
and you see the hands are grabbing tomatoes as it rolls through.
Another one of them is clearly maintaining a lawn.
Like it's a, imagine a Roomba, but it's a lawnmower,
slowly making its way along the front lawn.
And then there's, so you see like an old looking terrier,
a Scottish terrier sitting on the front porch of the farmstead.
One of the other contraptions just is like a box with a stick and a big hand,
and the hand is just going up and down petting the dog.
That seems pretty useful, actually.
A sign out the front notes this as Yim Thimblewimble Farm.
Hang on.
So this property has not been ravaged by locusts at all?
No.
Interesting.
Well, I mean, huh.
Let's knock on it.
Maybe we'll find out what Yim's done to, I guess, avoid their crops being eaten.
As you approach the front door,
Yayola and Chantel break off to go pat the dog.
That's fair.
Someone has to.
Honestly, I'm shocked neither of us have done such a thing.
Maybe we all break off.
Saren also breaks off.
She's going to go.
She wants to look at the thing that's
picking tomatoes i would do the same that it's very interesting what dog is it it's a scottish
terrier oh yeah an orcish terrier no a scottish terrier i mean like you wouldn't call it a scottish
terrier but that's the type of dog that it is yeah Maybe you just call it, I don't know, is terrier?
Wait, is terrier also a place?
I don't know.
Whatever.
Who fucking cares?
Who fucking cares?
There's a small county in Kandor called Scotland.
Who fucking cares?
It's a Scottish terrier.
Look what you've made me do.
Yeah, it's my fucking world.
Whatever.
Good point.
Fair enough.
All right, fine.
It's a Scottish terrier. You've got a little dog island that has all the countries that every dog is named after. Whatever. Fair enough. Alright, fine. It's a Scottish area.
You've got a little dog island that has all the countries that every dog is named after.
Yeah.
I'll head over to the dog as well.
Alright, so no one knocks on the front door.
Not yet.
Everyone gets distracted.
If there's one thing I know about this party
is that we're easily distracted by
shiny things. And what is more shiny than a dog?
I want to go to the dog.
I want to have a chat with the dog as well.
I don't want the dog to think I don't like him.
That's fair enough.
I like him.
Yeah, he's very cute.
I'll speak with animals and be like,
Hello there.
Hello.
What's your name there, little fella?
My name?
Yes, yes, yes.
Scallywag.
Oh, hello, Scallywag.
He lifts his head up a little bit, and there's a dog tag that says Scallywag.
Yeah, hello there, Scallywag.
Are you doing a bit of a scratch under the chin?
Is that all right?
He lifts his head up a little bit so that you can scratch. I give him a little bit of a scratch under the chin? Is that all right? He, like, lifts his head up a little bit so that you can scratch.
I give him a little bit of a scratch.
Monsieur.
The hand makes like a, sorry, the box that is patting the dog.
When the dog's head moves, the box makes like a,
and then the arm moves slightly so that it's not slapping the dog,
but still patting.
Well, that's a very interesting um thing you've got
on your back or near your back it's patting on the head oh there's on your head that's very very
good is this um actually if you can't speak with animals and as well you realize so the box making
the box is making like a a whirring strange clicking noise. When you speak with animals, you hear that the box is,
the sound is actually,
the box is actually making a sound that animals understand.
And the sound is, good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy.
It's like a praising box.
Yeah.
That's very interesting.
You are a very good boy.
So your gnome, I guess, is Yim, is that correct?
Yeah.
Is Yim a very nice gnome?
Yeah.
Have you had many locusts around here?
No.
Yeah, okay, that's very good.
So what does Yim do?
Scallywag seems confused by the question
That's fair
Can you tell me a bit more about your day-to-day life, I guess?
Like, you just sit out here and get patted by that lovely praise box?
Yeah
That's a pretty good life, isn't it?
Yeah
Do you get many visitors?
No
So is it just many visitors? No.
So, is it just Yim?
No.
Okay.
So, is Yim and
his other family,
friends?
No.
So, other
visitors?
Yeah.
Right.
And they are
also gnomes?
No.
Okay.
They're more
humans?
Yeah.
Right, right,
are they friendly?
Yeah.
That's good. Are they friendly? Yeah. That's good.
Are they dressed like, say, perhaps in like robes, like hooded kind of things?
No.
Are they just like farmhands?
No.
Like knights?
No.
Like civilian clothes?
Yeah.
Okay.
Is it very fancy looking clothes?
No.
Okay.
So more say like, I like gesture to myself like these kind of clothes?
No.
Bit more fancier?
No.
Worse?
No.
So the same?
No.
This is killing me.
Why are you asking yes, no questions?
I'm so glad he keeps doing it, though.
Because it's very cute.
So what kind of people do come around?
Can you catch their names?
Zaymila.
The Miller.
Oh, the Miller.
Zaymila.
Zaymila.
Is that a name? Yeah. Okay, cool. Zay Miller. Zay Miller. Is that a name?
Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Zay Miller.
All right, and who are they?
Scallywag seems confused by this question as well.
Right.
What do they look like?
What do they look like?
What do they dress like?
Woman.
Oh, right.
And is it getting a dress, like a lovely flowing kind of dress kind of thing
or is it more of a
academic-y kind of vibe
so what kind of dress
is it then
he, Scallywag
looks over at where
Saren is inspecting
the tomato picking device
with like a
with like kind of a pointing gesture with his
nose he points at sarin and says oh all right okay and sarin's dressed like in more kind of
sarin has flowing garb yeah like a flowing billowing kind of robe which has leather armor
pieces stitched into it oh right right and and and And when was the last time that they've popped over?
Now.
Oh, they're there now.
Well, thank you very much.
You're a very good dog.
You're a very good boy.
Very good boy.
I know.
He is.
I give him a little pat as well.
He lowers his head back down to the floor.
The machine, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Bang, bang, bang.
Good boy.
Good boy. Good boy.
Good boy.
That was a very long conversation.
Did you learn lots of things?
I learned heaps of things.
What a shame.
Very interesting conversations.
Why would you have learned from the dog?
Anyway, yes, yes, very good conversation
Very nice
Apparently Zim currently has
Sorry, Yim has a visitor
currently
Go say hello
Good idea
I stopped patting the dog
Chantal and Yayola also stopped patting the dog
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Chantel
says, we might
go
around the back. We want to look at the windmill.
Fair enough.
I'm a bit torn, but
no, I'll stay at the door.
You can go look at the windmill.
I'll stay here. You look like you want to go to the windmill. I do, but, you can go look at the windmill. I'll say hello.
No, no.
You look like you want to go to the windmill.
I do, but I want to be invited to the windmill.
Are you having this conversation?
As we're walking up to the door.
Yayola calls.
Yayola says, you can come if you want.
No, no, like by the gnome.
Oh, by him.
I want the gnome to invite me.
It's nice to invite someone to your house.
We're just going to go look.
It can't hurt.
We're not going to step on anything.
That's okay.
I'll meet you there in a bit.
All right.
They walk around the back.
When I'm a host, I get a lot of joy out of inviting people to look at my house.
You're a homeowner, are you?
No.
No, but if I host an event, it has to be somewhere.
I mean, yeah.
Point well made.
Saren finishes up inspecting the tomato picking machine
and is going to join you by the front door.
Yeah, knock on the door.
You knock.
There is no answer.
Well, you first need to stoop
down. The door's like a little bit too low
for you, but you stoop down, knock.
You wait for, I don't know, like five,
ten minutes. No answer.
I don't think I'd wait five, ten minutes, but
a minute.
Is there a window
there I can look through? Yeah, there's a little window in the door.
I'll look through the window.
It looks like the window has been blacked out.
So it is like glass, but you can't see through to the other side.
There's something like covering it.
Is the door unlocked?
You check the door.
The door does not appear to have a lock.
Yeah.
I'll open the door.
As you open the door, the second the door begins moving,
you hear...
When you open the door,
several locusts crawl out from the door hole.
Interesting.
That's so disappointing.
I close the door.
Well, that was interesting.
Did the dog say they were home?
Yes, the dog said they were here.
Oh, well, we did take on the mission to fix the locusts.
We better go in.
Yes, well, or...
So, okay.
Did any locusts come out of the door, I guess?
A couple, yeah.
Yeah, so what are they dabbling about?
Yeah, you cannot speak with them.
I know.
Are they attacking?
Are they doing anything?
No, they're just chilling.
They're acting like a locust
might normally.
Can I try and catch one, or at least
maybe squash one, and then grab it?
Yeah, if you want to try and catch it,
you can make a roll for that.
Just flat.
Yeah, I say you catch one pretty easily.
They're not trying to avoid you too much.
Yes, good
Let's go and grab Chantal, shall we?
And Yaiola
You go round the back
Chantal and Yaiola step away from each other
You think you interrupted something
They
I'm so sorry
No, it's understandable
Everything is so romantic
Everything okay? I just hold up the the dead
locust um huh yes uh killed it chantelle turns to look back at the idyllic the the the round back of
the little house hovel whatever you want to call it there's like a beautiful little pond that has
lily pads on it and you see a great deal of wildlife around the lily ponds like frogs some dragon flies a bunch
of ducks and some geese um you can see as well there's like another little machine that is going
around uh it's got like a it's imagine two boxes connected by some sort of strange lever the top box goes back and forth
while the bottom box has some sort of form of motion it goes around to the uh the ducks and
geese all have like little swaddles of eggs around the pond it it will go around to one of the egg
groups the top box goes in close and says, okay, and it keeps going.
And it just does that endlessly.
Whatever its purpose, you are uncertain.
It is a beautiful, with that exception of that machine,
it is a beautiful, quaint little scene around the back here.
Yeah.
All right.
So that seems very strange.
I think I'm...
Okay. Yes. This is happening in the distance
Chantal looks at that
Is there a back door?
No there isn't
It's like a
Imagine a hill that has a facade
A little hobbit hole
This is so disappointing
I wanted to be his friend
Yeah Chantal draws her sword
Sighing
You see there's genuine sadness for her
right now. Yeah, I don't want to perhaps
make aspersions that say that
previous farmer, or the farmers we've spoken to
were correct about the gnome, but
well... It appears that the previous
farmers who spoke to him, that they made aspersions
about the correct about the gnome.
Yes, yes. Or, look,
maybe whoever was summoning
the locusts sent them to the gnome.
We don't know.
We don't know.
We should go in and we should get ready to fight.
Yes, we're going to have to fight some locusts.
Okay.
Yes, yes, okay.
It's just in the background.
All right, you head back to the front.
Okay.
It gets a bit distant.
So what is, I guess, useful
in terms of fighting
Locus?
If I was to say, put a hand on
Chantal's shoulder and be like,
let's enhance some abilities.
Would she need, perhaps,
say, some endurance or strength
or maybe a bit more grace?
Advanced,
intelligent, cat's grace.
Not really.
None of those would necessarily help
specifically in a fight
with locusts, especially since
these locusts are kind of actually
still an unknown entity to you.
You're not sure what they're capable
of or what they're going to do.
Okay, okay, okay okay okay well i'll wait
then and then yes we'll to before casting anything and then you're right well uh i guess we're
prepared to fight some i guess chantelle walks up to the door and turns back and says should i
it seems stupid but should i knock first i mean mean, I've already knocked. You can knock again, see if anyone's there.
I think knocking's good.
Chantel pounds on the door, gives it a really hard knock,
and then yells,
If there's anyone in there, we're coming in!
I give the thumbs up.
She kind of braces herself, looks back at you,
holds the sword ready in her hand, and then the door opens.
Vocasts begin kind of spilling out out a little bit but not a lot and then a gnome uh a gnome sticks his head
out well howdy there can i help you yeah hello greetings we're here investigating the locusts
um pauses at that.
Not going to lie here, Mr. Yim.
You seem a little bit on the look.
If I was out here hunting locusts, and as it looks and appears in your particular boat,
there appears to be lots of locusts.
So I don't want to make aspersions, but look, you look a little suspicious.
There certainly does.
Perhaps it's
best if... You're adventurers,
are you?
We're employees.
What? We're employees.
Sorry, you're going to have to speak up one more time.
It's noisy with the locusts.
We're employees.
Employees?
You look like adventurers. No, of the Greyhill We're employees Employees?
You look like adventurers No, of the Greyhill Free Company
Oh, mercenary adventurers
Well, that's all adventurers
I wouldn't call us mercenaries
I think life's an adventure
I think we're all adventurers
Yes, but we are actually professional adventurers
I wouldn't say mercenary
There's a little bit of connotation there Yes, but we are actually professional adventurers. I wouldn't say mercenary. That seems...
There's a little bit of connotation there
that I don't think we definitely abide by.
Fine, you're adventurers.
We're arguing semantics.
For hire, right?
What?
For hire!
What?
For...
He, like, steps out, closes the door behind him,
brushes off... He's, like like half covered in locusts
Right, yes, that's funny
For hire?
Yes
Yes, yes, we've been hired by the local fathers
To investigate the local locusts
Whatever they're going to pay you
I'll pay you a bit more
Hey, it sounded like you were about to say double
Well, I didn't
I realised I might not be able to promise that
So pay double for
Sorry, pay a bit more for what?
What are you doing here, actually?
Well, I live here
What?
No, no, no
No, no, no
You're being
None of that
You're being true
What are you doing here with the locusts? You know what I'm doing here Well, they're not None of that. What are you doing here with the locusts?
You know what I'm doing here. Well, they're not my locusts.
What are you doing here with the locusts?
They're a person... They're my visitors'
locusts.
Your visitors' locusts? Yeah.
Oh, um...
Zia...
Sorry, your dog told me their name.
Yeah, Zia Mia.
Yes, yes, yes. Your dog told me their name.
What? Right, so... Your dog. Oh, you're like a druid or something yes yeah all right well um he spits uh well um uh uh well if you're for her
i could pay you well how much were you offered for this gig?
The answer is 400 gold.
I remember.
Well, I mean, look, we were offered 400 gold to shop at Locust,
but ultimately, like, the locusts are eating up the crops.
I mean, that's a problem.
Well, I'll pay you 400 gold to just walk away,
or I'll pay you 500 gold if you'll help,
and that'll get rid of the locusts. No, wait, I'll pay you 100, and that'll get rid of the locusts.
No, wait, I'll pay you 100 gold.
That'll get rid of the locusts.
Yeah, and then you can collect the original one.
But you have to just help.
You can't hear what it is.
Look, I don't really, I mean, okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Yes, we are definitely here to help.
Want to leave the world a little bit less and all that?
Yes.
What's the issue here?
How do we help without knowing?
Well, I'll tell you what, but you've got to promise you're going to help first.
I mean, look, I promise that we will try in the best of our abilities to help you.
You've got to keep this on the...
I need people who can keep a damn secret.
Okay, yes. We can definitely keep a secret.
You can keep a secret. Alright, then.
Well, I...
That was very easily trustworthy.
Oh, alright. If you say you can.
That's good.
He looks around, looks left, looks right.
Alright, you come in.
Don't tell anyone. Just come in.
Just come in. He opens the anyone. Just come in. Just come in.
He opens the door.
The inside of his house must be nice,
if it weren't for all the locusts.
It is covered.
Every surface is covered in locusts.
It is like Bilbo Baggins' house from Lord of the Rings.
If Bilbo Baggins' house was ten times cuter,
had several machines puffing and smoking about, making all
sorts of noises, and was covered in
locusts.
The machines are either turned
off or have been forced
off by locusts gumming
up their machinery.
Yes.
They cook on as well. If you've got an on machine the bug flies into the
bug cooks onto it you have to excuse the furnitions he says that's okay um that's fine so what seems
to be the problem hang on he says he pulls a lever on the wall next to the door and there's like a
squat table in the middle of the entry room that squat table cracks open and there's like a squat table in the middle of the entry room. That squat table
cracks
open and there's a set of stairs going
down. We'll be able
to hear each other down the stairs
he yells. That would be great.
You're not going to lure us here and kill us
right? What?
You're not going to lure us into a dungeon
and kill us right? I'll get you a glass
when we're done.
Thank you.
What did he think you said?
I don't know, but I'm looking forward to a glass.
Of whatever it is that I'm going to get.
All right, you all head down the stairs.
On the other side, Zim...
Yim, sorry, not Zim.
Now I'm saying it.
Yim steps through and then pulls a little lever and
then the table closes behind you as it closes you feel relief as you can no longer hear the locusts
but you realize you are in pitch darkness there is no light in this uh stairwell you only need
to deal with complete darkness for but a moment, though, before
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, a set
of lights switch on going
downstairs.
The tunnel down
is very, very
steep and very, very deep.
Yeah. With a dull red
glow, several electrical
lamps light the way. You
are walking down for maybe a full five minutes
before you come to a small little alchemy room at the bottom the alchemy room has a bunch of
furnishings presumably from upstairs shoved in here obviously some like nice delicate or expensive
equipment that yim didn't want the locusts getting at kind of just
piled about the place but in addition there's like a little table with some squat chairs around it
there's a steeping teapot and two cups and as you come down yim goes off to bustle get to to acquire
some more teacups also sitting at the table is a woman she's wearing light leather
armors you can see it's kind of like probably home i suppose it's a medieval society everything's like
homemade but it looks like wild she looks like a like a for lack of a better term, a witch of the swamp, if you will. She is streaked with dirt, her hair wild.
One of her eyes is obviously glass,
and when she turns to look at you,
you see it kind of like moves a little every time she moves her head,
like it isn't sitting properly in her head.
She gives you like a kind of cautious look,
but when Yim comes in, she understands that you must be friends and she politely smiles showing blackened awful teeth um hello there um
my name is glaple nice to nice to meet you i believe your name was she She looks at Yim. Yim looks back and says,
Oh, she can't talk.
Her name is Zia Mia.
Zia Mia.
How do you know her name then?
We have other methods of communicating, I suppose.
Also, she's literate.
I mean, that's not how she told me.
So, Zia.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Big T.
Oh, by the way,
it's Tree Stump.
Hello.
She, like,
nods, smiles politely,
and you can see her,
she mouths hello.
So why can't she talk?
What happened there?
Has she always been like that?
Yeah, that's my understanding.
She's always been like that.
Yeah, right.
Nice to meet you,
Zeomio.
Do you prefer to
communicate in pen and paper?
Pen and paper has been one of the primary ways for us to communicate,
but she also has another method.
Zia Mia reaches to her forehead, pulls at her forehead,
and it feels like her skin stretches a little bit before...
That's interesting. You know how... All right, so you know what a brain looks like, little bit before. That's interesting.
You know how.
All right.
So you know what a brain looks like, right?
Yes. It's all those wrinkled folds.
Imagine if you got one of those wrinkled folds and peeled it off your brain.
Now, she pulls at her head until coming out of her head, she pulls what looks like a little piece of brain.
Like a little brain.
head she pulls what looks like a little piece of brain like a little brain like if if your brain was string cheese that you could pull out like that okay she's is she human yeah she's human
i go to my own head and just kind of grab at my forehead you hurt yourself right okay
that's interesting maybe like subtly so no one one sees, but like, I do try it out.
You maybe wince a little with pain.
It hurts, but you can't do it.
Okay, so it's not a human thing.
She hands the little piece to you, Globble.
It looks almost like a worm.
It wriggles like one as well.
Ah, ah, she says, and she points to her mouth.
I put it on my tongue.
She makes like a swallowing sound.
I swallow it.
Was this a mistake?
Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. Hey, I'm George Jimriles, and I'm here to talk about Bookish,
my book-themed interview podcast where I get a different guest on every week
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It's kind of half about the book and a lot about the guest
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