D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #12 Nanny Pupu

Episode Date: October 5, 2019

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Sunspun's radio, we're halfway there. Ha ha ha! Welcome to Season 1, Episode 12 of Zombie Plague Chult. Be a good play. Commander Breakbone is staring daggers at you right now. But he's waiting for you to finish. And I don't mean any disrespect. I say that you look like a man who's under a lot of pressure and stress and you're in the middle of the fucking jungle and the camp is

falling apart full of sick people i understand the stress and pressure of being far away from where you want to be surrounded by bullshit i get it it doesn't help your maps are useless but i get it i do you look like someone who's about to be charged with insubordination during a military emergency arrest them this is the longest i've been from my family how long a year and a month who's about to be charged with insubordination during a military emergency. Arrest them. This is the longest I've been from my family. How long? A year and a month, I think. She chuckles.

A year and 17 days. And that's long for you? Ages. Oh, well, in that case, I give her the address for Dad's castle. Is it a castle? Yes. Yeah, address for Dad's castle. Because that's where? Yes. Yeah, address for Dad's castle, because that's where we'll live when I find him.

I'm going to take an oar. All right, you take an oar. You can add it to your inventory. I see you doing it and give a nod. Its eye slowly dilates and then starts looking around. It focuses slowly on Dragonbait and then on you. You're both startled by two swarms of bats they attack Hundreds of bats descend upon your camp attacking you and dragon bait pop you take 12 points of damage as the bats

Swarm around you fighting and nipping and attacking you bats swarm around you biting and nipping and attacking you um how many bats are there it's a swarm two giant swarms of them at least at least a hundred no we don't have to wake us up uh yeah i'd say everyone's awoken but the bats get like around oh yeah yeah so the bats you can tell pop looking at the bats they've got like dripping icor coming out of their mouths red and black noxious looking icor coming out of their mouths you can tell uh you've seen this once before these bats have been feeding on undead and it drives them crazy when that happens these bats are just vicious they will attack and attempt to kill anything. Fuck me. Bats.

Why do you have to be bats? Tiffany, you're awoken by an awful screeching sound. What does dragon bite smell like, Adam? Probably still smells like danger or fear or whatever. Violets. Yeah, violets. Okay, they're all swarming around Pop really closely, yeah? Yes.

I would like to wake up and cast sleep on the sphere around Pop, which I know would mean Pop falls asleep as well, but at least the bats will stop attacking you. I would be really confused and you could try to lie to me. Oh, maybe I'll have to. I was bats and I was asleep and I woke up and the bats were gone. I think I had a weird fucking dream last night. I dreamt I was Batman.

I don't even know who that is. I was this rich guy. I could turn into a bat maybe. And I just like fought a clown constantly. And a man with two faces. Just two-faced man. Nothing happens. Nothing happens.

Yep. It's the bats turn again because they had a surprise happens. Nothing happens. Yep. It's the bats' turn again because they had a surprise round. Now they're going. So it didn't even affect me? Nope, didn't even affect you. You weave magic and then throw it upon the bats and pot, but it's not powerful enough to affect any of them. Okay, okay.

That's just me not doing well. It's not my magic backfiring. No. It's not my magic backfiring again. No, it's not your magic backfiring. You can understand how I was nervous. You certainly are in the mind of tin bats. You don't know this, but they have several different types of immunity. Oh. Oh, my God.

How is that possible? Double one. So the swarms are basically rollers and entities, is that possible? Double one. So the swarms are basically rollers and entities, is that right? Yeah, yeah. They act as one large creature. So killing individual bats affects the mass of bats, which reduces its collective hit points. Is that right, Adam? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So bats will start dropping and eventually they'll disperse. Great. Okay, so there are some consequences for the bats for rolling a lot of ones. And then it is Pop's turn. What happened to the bats? Anything's fun? Off form, they have disadvantage, I guess.

It's kind of boring. And unfortunately, you don't have a weapon in your hands, so you can't deal them damage for the weapon. Basically, you would have gotten a free hit. I have claws. Do you have claws? I do. Oh, okay. Well, no, you can do the claw attack then. I'm sorry. Yeah, you hit them with your claws,

you deal eight points of damage. Well, that's better than no points of damage. Yeah, you gave that zero a nice belt. You fucking bats. Pop, it's your time. Well, I- Cool, Pop.

Cool line. Can I try and set the bats on fire with a torch? Yeah, you can. I feel like that's more effective than trying to hit them with, like, weapons. I want to light two torches and try and set all the bats on fire. All right. Well, you just grab two sticks of wood from the fire, and you start wielding the torches.

Fuck off, bats. Go back to your bat cave, you billionaire. I don't understand any of these references. What is wrong with my brain? You deal 16 points of damage to the swarm of bats around you. And then it's your ally's allies turn dragon bait starts slashing at the there's another swarm of bats all around him he starts slashing at that one and artist simber gets up and you see him drawing his dagger and also covering covering his face within his arm

he starts slashing at the bats. You can see Pop and Tiffany, every now and then, as the bats circle around, you're in a better position to see them than you are to see yourself. And they're obviously vice versa. So you can see that the swarm of bats around Artus and Dragonbait,

Artus with his hand up, every now and then, you just see a flurry of black in front of his every now and then you just see like a flurry of black in front of his arm and then there's a claw mark on it they move so quickly and they leave such glancing blows behind that it looks like it's going to if they bring you down it'll be a thousand tiny pinpricks oh god that's so so not fun That sounds bad. You currently can't see flask of wine. You're not sure where he went. Tiffany, it's your turn.

I'd like to cast green flame blade on my rapier and just start slashing at the swarm. I have to get up and go there, but I assume I'm not too far away. You strike the swarm. Dealing 10 plus 4. You deal too far away you strike the swarm dealing 10 plus 4 you deal 14 points of damage to the swarm the bats swarming around you slash at you from all angles it's impossible defending yourself against this is impossible they come at you from so many different angles even you pop with your shell you try to duck in and retreat as much as you can to give yourself as much space or as much protection as your shell can afford but they just swarm in they

just oh no follow in after you fuck you one of them grabs at your uh i guess you don't have an ear but at the side of your head and start scratching and tearing and biting. And you can feel it gnawing away at like your ear canal. You can feel it's like tongue dotting in and out, in and out, in and out, trying to grab something with your tongue and with its tongue pull it out. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Gonna vomit, gonna vomit. Tiffany, you feel the same thing. They're swarming around you, slashing at you, attacking you from every angle.

You're used to defending in front of you. You're used to defending in a 180 arc. Sometimes even you're used to being able to fight on two different sides. But to fight from every single direction, forward, backward, side to side, up, down up down diagonals in all different directions you can't they just get you they just get you several times tiffany you take seven points of damage and pop you'll take six and. Both of you are fine for now, but Pop, you just know. You know nature.

You know these things have been feeding on the undead. They are 100% a vector for disease. Yep. Pop, it's your turn. Still, I keep just flame torching them. All right. There's no point running, there you could try but they're gonna follow so i might as well try uh they're about as fast as you and they don't need to walk

they fly yeah i would not need a river anymore you can't score a hit you swing and you swing and you swing and you swing and the bats are just parting before your fire they do seem to be afraid of it they hate it they don't like it but you're not scaring them away and they do not want to come near that flame so whatever the torch is they are not but they'll be all around it in like a ball hmm that gives me an idea adam i'm gonna'm going to set myself on fire. Artis Simber and Dragonbait continue tussling with the other one. It doesn't look like they're doing any better than you. It looks like Dragonbait especially looks like he's slowly being worn down. Oh, good.

No, that's great. Yeah, good. This is a good fight. Tiffany, it's your turn again. I'd like to sort of swing my chill flame blade around in sort of 360, but on a 45 degree angle to my body and just spin in a circle and try and attack and defend and just do my best. This is bad. I don't like it.

I will go on record saying that. You deal a further 10 points of damage to the swarm. Oh my god, die! You can see that they're actually starting to thin out oh after your blow you you maybe hit a very tiffany you hit a very dense clump of bats and they the green flame blade the leaping explosion darts through several bats you've never actually seen it do anything like that before. But you've never fought many tiny creatures all clumped together like this. Like a chain reaction bursts through the bats. And while they come back in, coalescing back to a solid creature almost,

that creature is a lot smaller than it once was. Good, good, good. Is it their turn? No. No, no, good. Is it their turn? No. No, no, no. Yikes. Yikes, amando. Oh, no.

Critical hit. Oh, no. No. Yes, yes. No. Yes. Stop. Yes.

No. No. It's never a good pop when the critical hit begins with the word permanently. No, no, no. Oh, my God. What? No. I'm so excited.

I'm shattered, but I cannot. Oh, my God. One of the bats swoops down, Pop, diving for your leg. diving for your leg you bring your leg up and stamp down on the bat drawing blood like a massive burst of explosion of blood that bat obviously had been just gorged completely on blood and guts got that bat boy you crumple it beneath your foot and your leg is drenched in the gore. And then you realize you're a mistake. Oh, fuck. Every single fucking bat turns to look at that gore, and you can see their mouths water.

Every bat, every single one of these 100 or so bats... Oh, no, Adam! ...swarms at your leg at the same time. What happens, Adam? They tear your leg apart. Have I just lost a leg? You have a mangled limb

in place of a leg. And it's permanent. It's forever leg. Permanently, when entering combat, make a DC 12 constitution saving throw. On a failed save, you are disadvantaged on strength and dexterity-based checks for D4 rounds. Forever.

Forever. Adam! Oh my god. Some pretty powerful healing magic, I would say, would reverse this, but you are not going to find it here. Oh no. Oh, Pop is fucking good.

Fucking love the fucking jungle. Knowing this game's current trajectory, unless you guys go somewhere I'm not expecting you to go, this is going to affect you for the rest of this campaign. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's karma for yelling at Commander Broken Bones.

Now my bones are broken. Good thing I stole that ore, because I'm going to need a walking stick. Yeah. Yep. Pop, you take 15 points of damage to the leg. And Tiffany, as they swarm and attack and slash you as well, you take a further five points of damage. I mean, really. Pop, five points of damage. I mean,

really, I would feel bad complaining. I've had it with these fucking bats. No. Well then, I'm angry. So, I... They're all over my leg, right?

Yeah, they're all over your leg. How much more damage could your leg get? I mean, it's pretty mang leg, right? Yeah, they're all over your leg. How much more damage could your leg get? I mean, it's pretty mangled, right? My leg's fucked, yeah? Yeah. Where's this going? I'm going to set the bats on my leg on fire. All right, then.

Fuck you. You can't even see what's happened to your leg. You just know that it's destroyed. You take a step back with your now good leg and you take both of the torches as high as possible and then swing them both down, crunching the bats against your leg. You scream in pain. Fucking yes! But when you're done, there are not enough bats to maintain the consistency of their horde. So the last remaining two or three scatter to the night. At about the same time, you can see that Ardus and Dragonbait are finished with their clump.

I just sit down. Adam, I just sit down. Adam, I just sit down. Dragonbait hurries over to the edge of camp and drags Flask of Wine's bloodied body towards the fire. It looks like they went through Flask of Wine to get to you guys. Have you just killed... Flask of Wine isn't dead, he's just badly hurt. Okay, that's all right. Okay.

Is there anything we can... If you have healing magic, you'd appreciate that. I have healing magic, but before I do anything to Flask, I'm going to do some healing on me. I can't heal my leg, but I can heal my hit points. Yes. I want to do... I'll just cure wounds as a normal spell. All right.

You recover nine hit points. You're on 60. Bring the cat over here. The cat's going to take the rest of your healing. I'll use the rest of my healing. You're about to go to bed, right? Yes. Yes, you are.

Can I see what's happened to Pop's leg? Yep. Pop's leg has bone showing. It's rough. Pop, you can't bring that leg back into your shell. It's stuck out at an odd angle. I can never retreat fully into my shell ever again, Adam. No.

You're always going to have this sore, exposed nerve. Figuratively and literally, you think you can see nerve. I'll take next watch. You get some sleep. All right. Tiffany, overnight you recover 20 hit points, which I think brings up to full yeah um can i spend my night shift because i'm guessing the bats once they die don't disintegrate no am i am i able to spend my night shift collecting bat skins so that I can start to fashion a splint and cover, like leg support.

Give me a forest gown brace. Pop, you recover 36 hit points, which I think brings you to full as well. Yeah. That brings me to 96. You can't go above full. We've talked about this. It's very funny. You can explode, right?

You can, yeah, if you get to double your hit points. In 5th Ed, they don't have that as a thing, but in 3.5 they do. In the earlier editions? You can fashion a wrap that you can use with the ore to make a nice splint. Yes, I would like to. I would call it a permanent one as well.

It's one that doesn't need to be changed if you make it out of bat leather. Yep, I would like to spend the night shift doing that, and so that when Pop wakes up, I can present it to him. Is the rest of the night uneventful? Oh yeah, the rest of the night is uneventful. Um, Pop?

What? I saw that the bats really hurt you last night, so I... Well, I made you this. Can I try and just affix it onto his leg and tie it up? Yeah, sure. It straightens your leg out a bit, almost uncomfortably so, and you can still feel it's like a constant ache, a dull pain.

I'm Dr. House. My bedside manner is terrible. but he gets the job done you'd rather have a doctor that holds your hand while you die or ignores you while you get better fuck it's such a good line i don't say thank you but i almost say thank you and kind of just oh, you're mad. This is good leather. Tiffany did a good job. I know. Be proud. He's got some good leather horns. Oh, my God.

That's inside. I keep my excitement for inside. On the outside, I give a nod, but it's like a bit jilted, like. Do you know bats are one even my least favourite animal? But they are now. What's your least favourite animal? I just, like, get up and walk away. God, such secrets.

That real life us as friends have, but in the game as not friends yet. Begrudging acquaintancesances sometimes have moments of heart we're on an adventure we were enemies at the start my leg has been ripped apart i love that song such a good song begrudging acquaintances sometimes have moments apart. Begrudging acquaintances they were enemies at the start. My legs get ripped apart.

Begrudging acquaintances sometimes have moments apart. Quaint and says, Ah. Leather working is an art. It is. I can vouch for that. Look at my leg. Your journey towards Mbala. Oh.

Is going to be a busy one. Hey. I can't fucking walk. Dangerous. Not with that attitude. I do not say that. I do not say that. I want to live.

Pippa just punching me to the ground. I thought she was under the sea hag spell again. I thought it was lingering. She's having a sea hag flashback. I had to knock her out. She seemed fine to me. You're having a sea hag flashback. I had to knock her out. She seemed fine to me. You're having a sea hag flashback too, aren't you? Just knock out every member of our party. This is me and Dragon Boat.

Are you all right, Dragon Boat? You get it. He just smelled. What's the confusion one? He smells of brimstones and violets. Confused but frightened. But a little layer of lemon. Oh.

Oh. He's just happy to have some peace of mind. Oh, my God. What does he think we're trying to say with our smells? Because I don't think we smell good. Well, I mean. Well, flask smells like wet cat. So, as you're walking towards Mbala,

so um as you're walking towards mbala which you can see before you as a like a a stony plateau in the distance like a giant you know the forget what they're called like in a mesa like an up like a mesa yeah yeah uh you can see that way ahead of you you see maybe at one point, do you let Flask of Wine guide? Please don't. No, I don't. I'm leading the party. Okay. I'll look at you and say, please promise. Flask of Wine gives you a hand because you get lost.

I can't get lost. You don't get lost. You're just like, I don't know where Mbala is. You know where you are, but you're having trouble tracking it when you're not're not looking at it at some points you're like trees and yeah yeah ditches and it's like adam i we specifically read earlier that i can't get all right look you spend a lot of today looking for at one point there's some like trees come in between you and mbala and then when the trees are gone you're like where the fuck is mbala you just like it was the briefest thing you and Mbala. And then when the trees are gone. You're like. Where the fuck is Mbala? You just like.

It was the briefest thing. You and Flask of Wine. Walk back on the other side. And on the other side of the trees. You see Mbala. Or you see the giant. Fuck. What's it called?

Mesa. Mesa. Yeah. You see the Mesa. You're like. Yeah. It's right there. You walk.

You go past the trees. And on the other side. You're like. Where is it? I don't understand. You go back to the other side of the trees. It's right there. It's right there. But when we go to the other go past the trees, and on the other side, you're like, where is it? I don't understand. You go back to the other side of the trees. It's right there. It's right there.

But when we go to the other side of the trees, and it takes, that walk is half an hour. That's a half hour walk with those trees. So you're going back and forth, back and forth. You're like, I just don't understand. I just don't understand. And then eventually, someone in the party, maybe artist Simber, points out, what if you're getting a slightly different view? And we walk a little bit further. You walk a little bit further and sure enough, there Mbala is again.

It was just like a trick of the sun or something. It's fucking jungle fucking, jungle fucking bats. You, Pop, are particularly pissed off. You kick a rock and it splashes ahead of you you look to the side as the group is slowly walking past you and you see leaning up against a tree is a folding chair that has been unfolded and set up like a deck chair yeah like a deck chair in the deck chair or the folding chair is a skeleton sitting with a knife in one hand and a fork in the other as if it were waiting for a meal. I go over and investigate because that is some old shit. There's a backpack nestled in between the chair and the tree.

There's a backpack and inside it, the only thing that has survived for so long other than maybe the leathery it's still a bit tattered leathery backpack is 22 gold pieces and 70 silver pieces these guys haven't seen this skeleton have they no yeah cool i don't tell them about it okay i wouldn't either it's not it's kind of scary The rest of it is like a dust and ashes, basically. There's nothing, no other equipment unless you wanted to take the knife and fork. Adam, I'd like to take the knife and fork. Add a knife and fork to your inventory, my friend. As the sun begins to set, you come to the base of Mbala. A 1,800

foot high plateau with sheer cliffs rises above heaps of boulders as large as ships. Can't wait to climb with one leg. A narrow path is cut into the cliff face and seems to climb all the way to the top.

I look over to Pop and look down at his leg and quickly look back up. What? I'm excited for us to achieve this together. And I look back at the grave. All right, horns. I suppose we should take the narrow walkway. It looks not safe, but we don't really have climbing equipment to do anything else i

don't think what are you talking about it looks safe as shit um i oh you're talking about the path yes yes of course let's do that then one day i'll you will understand me implicitly one day all right then i don't all right't... All right. Guess it's not today. That day is not today. Maybe you've walked a little ahead of the group. Artis slows down, and Tiffany, he obviously looks like he wants you to slow down with him. Artis leans over and says,

Is it a good sign that he stopped calling me... Simple. Simple. That's it. I think it is. I think he likes... Sandeari? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, simple. Simple. That's it. I think it is. I think he likes it. It's endearing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, then. I think, I used to think horns was an insult, but now I think it's nice. Hmm. That's not the same situation, but all right. No. That sounds more like you've adapted to. All right. Anyway, look.

What? I love that Artis has just joined this quest being like, fuck, these two people are the weirdest two people I could follow through with the job. Artis Simber is 100% started out thinking that you guys were on a noble quest, was like, look, they're good people. I'll help them because I don't know where I'm going anyway, so I might as well go with them until I can find what I'm looking for. So he didn't believe the archaeology thing, that that what i'm here to do not make money yeah no no he he believed well he believed that you were looking for vaughn and you wanted it for you wanted it for archaeological purposes but he didn't believe that like that was your only reason yeah true he thought that you had other reasons and he's he was trusting that they were all good for the most part. But right now, I think in the forefront of his mind, he's most like, Tiffany needs a cooling balm for the hot anger that is Pop.

So he's staying around, not because he likes me at all. No. Cool, cool, cool. He's a good person. He's not just gonna let you die or anything like that. Not true. But he's not... When he helps save your life, or if he helps save your life, whatever, he's doing it out of

a sense of duty, not out of a sense of companionship or friendship. That's exactly the way it would... As he would for Tiffany. That's how all relationships should exist. Duty. Nothing else. So... You have to do nothing more.

And sometimes not even that. You have to travel around to the north side of the plateau to see the beginning of the trail up. And it has many switchbacks winding across the northern side of the plateau for the most part. It averages about five feet in diameter so not a lot and it's a pretty hefty fall if you were to tumble it takes you three hours to finally make the ascent how are we doing are we tired by then it's properly night but you can't rest here

so you just got to push through you're not tired yet but it's getting quite dark we're talking about i can walk fucking fine as you oh no it's nighttime you wouldn't be able to see it dark vision never mind no dark vision has a limit it's 60 feet had it been daytime or had it not been nighttime you imagine you would have a very commanding view of the entire jungle right now unfortunately it is night time and so you have no such view of the jungle right now dang we can't sleep on top of this thing you can yeah it's a big plateau you could absolutely well then why are we pressing forward through the night oh you mean on this little no not on this path you can't sleep on the top yeah but you can't sleep on this little path

that you're taking to get to the top. On average, it's five feet wide on average. Oh, God. Yeah, you could sleep, but you don't think you'd want to. Yeah, not fair. You could sleep and then sleep forever. Yeah. Sleep with the fishes.

You'd wake up. Hang on. Who the fuck? Why was he in a dick chair eating dinner? I don't know. That was so long ago. I was just thinking about it because I was like, sleep with the fishes.

Because it's near the beach because that man was in a deck. Wait, why was he in a deck chair, Tom? No one else was there to question that. Yep. Very funny. And I just stole the cutlery. As you crest the top, the stone steps emerge onto the top of the plateau beneath a once grand but now decrepit wooden gateway. The gates that seal this entrance are rotted away, only their rusted iron hinges and reinforcing bands remain. In their place are heaps, heaps,

and I mean literally the word heaps, piles of human skulls, picked clean of all flesh and bleached white by the sun. They grin up at you from the roadway and down from atop towering mounds. It looks as if you could be crushed to death with the number of skulls here. This is a lovely decorum.

But perhaps we shouldn't linger here too long. You can see bite marks on every single one of these skulls. Something ate at them. I'm just going to make an executive decision, and I believe you'll be in a grand taunts but i think rather than resting at the top of umbala we press on and now a word from our sponsors also hey dnd is fun but if you're wishing that you could hear actual comedians joke circles around us and actually be funny then do i have news for you. BigSoftTitty.png is a show by Demi Lardner and Tom Walker, where they, as my dad calls

it, aren't as good as the TV show MASH because they never swore. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad won't talk to any of my co-workers, then head on down to SandsPantsRadio.com and search for BigSoftTitty.png. Press on. I think pressing on sounds like a great idea. Do you mean going back down? No, no, press over. Like, we're not.

You keep moving. Yeah, we're not going to have a nap. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep going through the night. There's too much death here. It's a fair amount of death. All right. You wade through skulls.

Fucking hell. Oh, my God. Okay. I would never want to do it, but I imagine wading through bones would sound really nice. Or it would be like... Yeah, they're all like hollow orbs. What does it sound like, Adam? Is it like eerie wind chimes?

There's some fucking folly. It doesn't eerie wind chimes? There's some fucking folly. It doesn't sound like wind chimes. Like wind chimes? Like eerie beach wind chimes, but they're made of like shells and stuff. I reckon that's actually pretty accurate. At least it's what I'm thinking of. All right.

All right. That was me rattling my skull box. Box of skulls. Genitals. Oh, I should get a good boy card. Thank you. Pass me one. Oh, damn it.

The only structure still intact is a lone hut about a thousand yards southwest of the gate, at the edge of a bouldered field. The hut is made of thatch and animal hide stretched over the rib cage of an immense reptile. Animal skulls, wind chimes, and totems of feathers and shells rattle in the breeze and smoke drifts from the hut a creature shuffles slowly around the hut hunched over in an animal-like posture you realize it's a human woman impossibly old crippled by arthritis blinded by cataracts magic woman she'll tell us what we say her dark face and bald pate are outlined with streaks of yellow clay suggesting the shape of a skull. Or perhaps it's her shriveled flesh creating that illusion. Let me get you a picture.

Oh, my God. Oh, Nanny Poo Poo. Nanny Poo Poo. We were talking about her earlier. Nanny Poo Poo. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. This might have spoilers there. I'm looking at it. All poo poo. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

This might have spoilers there. I'm looking at it. All right. Now you can look. Is this the mystic woman that we got told by that crazy guy to come and find? You're not sure? I'll ask her. She seems safe.

Oi! Oi! Oi! Did you eat these fellas' faces or not, love? You approach her. She turns and squints at you as you approach and then slowly like waddles over towards you. Hi.

Hello. Hello. We're just, we're travellers passing through this place. My name's Tiffany. What's your name? My name is Nanny Poo Poo. It's great to My name is Nanny Poo Poo. It's great to meet you, Nanny Poo Poo. We were just wondering if you're able to help us at all.

What are you doing on this time? What help have you come to Nanny Poo Poo for? Perhaps you wish to see the future. She, with her hand, reaches out, and slowly, just with a single gesture, a little silvery orb coalesces, and it rolls around, and slowly in the silvery orb,

you see several different things. You see a knight standing bravely before a dragon. Tiny, tiny little visage of these. You see the image of dragon bait and artist Simber rolling around in the muck trying to strangle each other. You see yourselves, you Pop and you Tiffany, standing before a clergyman being wed. What? What? What? What?

And you see... Hang on, hang on. What? And you see a giant man made of gold striding through a city. Nanny Poo Poo snaps her fingers and the visage disappears. Perhaps you have come

for advice, knowledge of the surrounding place. Perhaps even you have come to bring the dead back to life. Oh. You're, you're, you're, I'm, I have a lot to process. I, uh.

Can you bring the dead back? I thought no one could do that right now. Nanny poo poo knows powers that most cannot comprehend. Eh? Um. Tiffany. You see what Pop does not. That as she glances across your party.

Across you, Tiffany. Across Pop. Across Artis Simber. Dragon Bait and Flask of Wine. You see there's like a hunger in her face. Her maybe, he might describe it as like weak and fragile exterior fades away for just a moment. You can see a wickedness beneath.

You know what? I think we're okay. You can save your powers for someone else. Thank you so much. I grab. She seems weird. We're going. we're going. I grab your hand and start pulling you away.

Wait. I pull my hand out of you. I'm very capable of walking my cell phones. Always remember where you can find nanny poo poo, she says to your retreating backs. So it's kind of nighttime. Going back down might take an hour or more Back to the other side

Sorry? Is that what we're doing? You're on a massive Mesa? Yeah, mesa You know, like from up or whatever There's no gentle slope or anything like that The city of Mbala is here

On this mesa And it is a ghost town For lack of a better word So she's in this town or she yeah she's the only inhabitant it would appear of mbala other than that pile of skulls you had to wade through to get here yes well i think or along goes just to the west of mbala yes right that's where the other lady is who apparently knows how to show us what we want to know. That's not in front of Ardis or the others. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, hang on. We should be speaking in final over here. We're speaking in final over here. Yeah. You've kind of revealed. We'll go west. I've revealed bits and pieces to Ardis, but I don't want him to be my friend.

We're going to go west. Yeah, we're going. West of Imbala. Hey, you know what I said? Forget about it. Forget about that friend. We've got to go west. Yeah, we're going. West of Mbala. You know what I said? Forget about it. Forget about that lady. We're going to another lady.

Not our longer. Hey. Lady. So are you going to make camp here at Mbala? I really don't think we should stick around here for longer than we need to. I don't think we should stay here at all. She seemed hungry. Hungry? What do you mean, hungry?

As in, I don't see any food markets around here. No, I see a fuck ton of skulls. Exactly. She's an old lady, I could punch her face out the back of her head. You. Artists just clucks when you say that. You didn't sayucks when you say that.

He doesn't say anything. He just. What? Artists does not want to provoke you. Yeah, fuck it. Rye doesn't. That's what he says. He speaks into person now.

I'm with you. I think we should get out of here. Yeah. I am with the girl. I think we need to get right out of here real quick. So you're going to climb back down? Do we, like, I guess we have to cross through the town? Well, you could kind of just, Nanny Poo Poo's shack or whatever is up at one end. You could just traverse back through the wreckage to the skulls and climb back down if you wanted to.

Do we have to go west? Yeah, you need to start making your way west, but the problem is you're up on a mesa. So if you head directly west... Oh, you'll fall off the mesa. It's not like a mesa that we can then climb down the western side. No, no. It's a very, like you know in the old west,

in the background, there's those really tall rocks. Well, it already falls off them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like that in a 360-degree arc, with the exception of one set of very narrow, not stairs, but a ledge going down. Right, yeah, yeah. Which is on the southern end.

I reckon we take this. Northern end. The safest, quickest way down. So we've climbed a mesa to see what was on top. It was a scary woman woman and now we're climbing back down the mesa well this place mbala was a settlement at least at one point that you knew can we see any good shit on the way i could just wanna because uh you know i think we need to be safe but also there could be treasure on this fucking town and i love me some treasure mbala has long since been abandoned

neither of you find anything worth the dust that has settled upon it i really think we should head home i mean sorry slip um away let's leave all right let's go. I don't appreciate. Looking down at the very narrow switchback ledge leading back down, Arda says, I really don't appreciate that sort of terminology when we're talking about getting down this. Let's carefully amble our way down. Of course. A slow descent, as it were. Rapidly, quickly, but slow.

So you climb down to the bottom and you're gonna sleep at night yes yeah i'll take first watch all right you're kind of exhausted by the time that you get back down so uh it you barely even have the energy to set up the tents but you you do so at least the maybe you set up maybe half the amount of tents you need and people just cuddle together quite close. Would she have killed us if we had stuck around, Adam? I can't tell you that. No, but you can. I can, yes, you're right, and I'm not going to.

Oh, Ruth. What a choice you've made to hurt your friends. That is definitely not the woman we're supposed to see, though. She's further west. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems sus. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, Adam, what did I see?

Not bats. I fucking know more bats. Oh, God. That seems sus. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, Adam, what did I see? Not bats. I fucking know more bats. Oh, God. I imagine if it was further bats. Imagine. But no, no, it's definitely not bats. Oh, no, it sounds bigger than bats. It is bat, singular, large.

Whoa. I just want to get my Hamill and Sickle ready. Hamill and Sickle? Yeah. You get Hamill and Sickle ready. Yeah, my Mark Hamill and my Sickle. Out of the darkness, the entire party is awoken by the sound of ribbiting and wet slopping. slopping seven giant frogs the size of men slowly launched their way out of the darkness towards you that's too big artist simber gripping his dagger tight says i don't think they look quite like friends as one of them lands nearby there's maybe a couple a bird's nest in a in an overgrown swampy tree the frog leans its head back and with a

strikes the nest full of birds and swallows it all in one gulp the frogs continue onwards to you obviously having seen you and clearly meaning you was prey uh that was gonna be my first question do they look hungry for flesh? I think it's the smartest thing you've said today Something I don't do as often as I'd like to do But I feel like I'm going to do now So what I'm going to do is I'm going to pair you two off with an NPC In combat you can order the NPC to act

And they will do as you say And they are basically like an extension of your regular action. Can't wait to order Art of Simba to kill himself. Stab yourself in the face. So. Oh, critical hit. You're dead. I take your sword.

So. Sorry. Pop, who would you like to work with? Do you know what? Dragon bait. Doesn't talk. All right. I'll pair with Artis then.

And Flask is just a... On his own. He's a free agent. He hides. Maybe. He scampers up a tree. I thought one of us should pair with Flask because he always dies. Pop, you're first.

How many frogs? There's seven in total. How close are they? They would be about, I'd say, 60 feet. Adam, I'm going to ask you about one of my spells. What is Zephyr Strike again? I've never used it. Is it a spell?

It is a spell. It's a first level spell with a C next to it. I cast it on myself and it lasts for one minute. That would mean it's a concentration spell. So, Zephyrus Strike. You move like the wind until the spell ends. Your movement doesn't provoke attacks of opportunity.

And once before the spell ends you can give yourself advantage on one weapon attack roll on your turn. How long does the spell last for? It lasts for a minute. That attack deals an extra 1d8 force damage on a hit. Whether you hit or miss, your walking speed increases by 30 feet until the end of your turn. So you become a super zippy boy.

People can't hit you or you don't provoke attacks of opportunity. Yep. And once a turn, you can... Oh, once before the spell ends. Oh, only once before the spell ends can you do that. That extra bonus damage, that is. And then when it ends, I can cast it four times.

Because it's the first level spell. And with that, sorry, Zephyr Strike's attacky thing would stack on top of my normal attack abilities. Cool, cool. Adam, I would like to cast Zephyr Strike on myself. Because my movement speed is reduced because of my normal attack abilities. Yep. Cool, cool. Adam, I would like to cast Zip a Strike on myself. All right.

That's bonus action. Because my movement speed is reduced because of my legs, but not anymore. That is correct. So your walking speed becomes 60 feet right now. I'm a fast boy. Yeah. So it's actually 70 feet because of your Dread Ambusher. You've got an extra 10 feet.

So I can go in and hit. Just for the first turn, though. And if you take the attack action this turn You make one additional weapon attack That deals an extra D8 damage How big's Dragonbait? Dragonbait is medium sized We're about the same size

Well I was going to be like Can I carry Dragonbait? You probably couldn't A short rundown of his abilities In case you're curious Divine health, yeah, that's all. A short rundown of his abilities, in case you're curious. Divine health, meaning that he's immune to disease. Oh, good boy. He has a magic resistance aura while he's holding his sword, Holy Avenger.

Dragonbait creates an aura of 10 feet around him. While this aura is active, Dragonbait and all creatures friendly to him in that aura have advantage on saving throws against spells and magical effects. He has Holy Avenger, a very powerful magical sword, and he can also sense the alignments of creatures within 60 feet of him. If they're good, evil, neutral. Okay, we should use that skill of his a lot more. Yeah!

Hence why he will get nervous before we do, if there's someone bad. Ah! Clever little bread boy. No, I'm blaming Ardis. Why doesn't he help? Hence why he will get nervous before we do if there's someone bad. Clever little bread boy. No, I'm blaming Artis. Why doesn't he help? Well, we just saw a vision where Artis and them are beating one another up. And I guarantee you, it's Artis' fault.

All right, cool. I'm going to go and attack. Oh, can I still attack? Yeah, you can still attack. That's a bonus action. You still have your movement, which is 70 feet, and your action, which you can use to attack. So they're 60 feet away.

You can do pretty well. I'm going to go and fuck some frogs up. You dart forwards. You can get close enough to attack maybe three of them. Yeah, I'm going to fucking do that. Let's go, frog fuckers. So your first attack against the lead frog is a hit. You deal... Oh, would you like to do the extra damage?

Let me know on any of these attacks if you'd like to do the extra damage. No worries. You deal five points of damage. And your second attack against the same creature is... No, they're pretty easy to hit. That's a second hit. You do a further seven points of damage.

Your third attack is a hit does five more points of damage and you down one of the frogs with that attack. Fuck yeah! You caught that, you watered arsehole.

Your fourth and final attack, the extra one you get this turn. Oh, it's a critical hit. Yes. Good boy cut? No, a critical hit cut. Oh. Yeah. Gonna turn a frog boy into a balloon like Shrek.

That's like. What's that weapon that you use? That would have been with the lighthouse. That's on the note of my beloved monster as well. Blow, blow. Quadruple damage. You hit the, well, frogs don't have testes, but you crush the male frog equivalent of test i

like cloacas gross stop that's what i'm i'm gonna love while we're going through this season or series or whatever and i'm uh editing it for recaps and stuff like that i'm gonna take that i love cloacas and that's to be my fucking message alert. Good. Take it out of context. That's impossible to do. It's not out of. That is the context.

Everything. UDL, eight times four. What's eight times four is? 34. 32. 32. Three times four is. No, three times eight is 24.

Yeah. Six times four is 24. Yeah. Too many numbers make 24. Anyway, Six times four is 24. Yeah. Too many numbers make 24. Anyway, you kill a second frog. Yes. You destroy it. You blast its little frog testicles out its little frog eyes. They shoot into the night sky, never to be seen again.

Somewhere distantly, Nanny Poo Poo hears two wet thugs. You're welcome, Nanny. You're welcome? Sheanny. You're welcome. She can eat them testes. She was hungry. You know what? She probably will. So, Pop, do other frogs near me?

Yeah, there's five more, but they're maybe five, ten feet away from you. But you're kind of in among them, but not like you're among them as a you launched yourself as the dread ambush yeah uh dragon bait would you if he moves his entire movement just spends his turn moving he can be next to you if you want let's do that he sprints you turn around and gesture for dragon bait go over here little boy kicking up muck and mud behind him and uh in a round he's standing next to you but that's his turn he can't attack like never thought i'd be quicker than you did you dragon dragon bait looks at you and you smell the stinking swamp you are in a swamp and it is overpowering dragon bait's voice damn and then it is the frog's turn there's five of them them left. Three of them are going after you, Pop

and then two will attack Dragonbait The three that go after you do not do particularly well None of them land a hit One of them does actually quite badly Badly enough that I would say that he is critically fumbled or critically failed

as the kids are likely to say ow ow ow make a dc14 constitution saving throw on a failed save you are unable to attack with this body part for a minute what is it what do they attack with his tongue his bite it's technically a bite attack i guess but it's like a Yeah, it's like a... I hope it wraps around a tree or something. He fails. I want to catch it. His tongue darts out and you grab it and then break. Like, there's no bones in a frog's tongue.

Maybe there's, like, powerful, very well-contained fluids. Like, you know how there's no nervous system in a beetle or whatever? It's like hydraulic pressure or whatever like that keeps the beetle moving beetles are steampunk yeah fuck that's cool uh maybe there's like a similar thing in a frog's tongue or whatever and you break one of the bubbles in the frog's tongue you feel it warbles its tongue warbles and wobbles in a way that is not natural for a frog the size of a man. Got you, Freddo. That frog is not going to be able to attack. What did it say?

For a minute? Yeah. For a minute. Yeah. So that frog's basically out of the fight. God. I'm just going to mark it off because it's leaving. As the frog leaves it, we can hear it saying, leg it, leg it.

Now we count its tongues. Hang on. Leg it, leg it. Tiffany and Artis. So would you like a short rundown of Artis' abilities? I would love a short rundown of Artis' abilities. Don't be rude. So Artis has a book bookmark his powerful magical dagger

nerd artist has a bookmark he will never lose his place in his book again oh that's cool because he'll read a person and then be like and uh a longbow which he likes to use bookmark while it is powerful and magical he tends to tends to fall back on it instead of relying on it, if that makes sense. He prefers with a ranged weapon if he can. Bookmark, however, has several magical abilities. He can make light with it. He can turn it into a compass. He can cast dimension doors, he can like do a short little

teleport leap with it and he can uh mostly cast compulsion with it so uh compulsion is basically like a mind control effect do you know what i like is we're learning these things about these characters but who could have helped us he could have done a? He could have done a lot. He could have done a lot more than what he's done, yeah. He also has... I see what you mean about him. He also has the mysterious ring of winter that he refuses to discuss much. Look, I don't want to die. The frog's

mouth... If things are really dire, he will use that ring. Oh, you'd hope. Otherwise, we'd take it off of his dead body. I'd take it off his alive body. I'd cut his finger off Take the ring off, put the finger back up his nose Cool prank And then kill him so he dies

You know, Artis didn't have to come with you guys He chose to come with you Because he thought you needed help He's putting off finding his long lost wife That whole thing sounds a bit sus though, right? It does Also, Adam, right? It does. Also, Adam, cry me a river so we can row down and get out of here. But, no, no, no, I don't have so much of a problem with Artemis.

Tiffany, you're trying to make friends. I am really trying. Joy of love is that I imagine that you're torn between liking artists because you're nice and impressing me by hating artists. Look, nothing's easy in my world. Every day is a struggle. But all you can do is stab on through. I whip out my rapier and I say, no, actually, no, the frog's mouths.

Yeah. Are they proportioned in such a way? Because frogs usually have giant mouths. Could one of the frogs swallow one of the other frogs? No, they couldn't. You're going to compel one of the frogs to eat the other frog. And I think it actually works on animals. Oh.

I think he needs to be able to tell them what he wants them to do. A frog, and this may come as somewhat of a shock to you, cannot understand human language. What are the ones that are secretly princes that I keep kissing in the park? Okay. What about all the frogs I've wrenched? Call a cop. On yourself.

Call the frog police, Tom. Ted police. Continue, that was fucking dumb. In tadpole. Oh. I'll be sad when this campaign's over. But will I be as sad when this campaign is over?

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