D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #23 Enemy Through the Gates

Episode Date: December 21, 2019

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that Adam and Cash unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Welcome to Season 1, Episode 23 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. Want to know what happens next? Listen up, dingus! So long as you keep them here, so long as you do not take one step backwards, their numbers mean nothing. It is their will against ours. Maybe they're being drowned up in front of the gate. It's not going to be enough, Cass.

And then the gate is hit with a tremendous bout of force. One of the soldiers next to you flinches and says, the Tyrannosaurus. They're being pushed back into the fort. Well, I suppose it's time for me to bust out my earth tremor. If you do so... I'll lose my witch bolt. Oh, yes, that as well. But pop will also be in the area of effect.

Oh, well, I'm not doing that then. Okay, witch bolt. All right, you can see the soldiers around you are beginning to get fatigued. Even Lieutenant Salhana, you can see fatigue on her face as well. But, but, but, but, the zombies

are quite obviously unaffected. Salhana turns to you, Tiffany, and to you, Pop, and says, go. Let's do this. You remember you said this was a meat grinder, Adam? Yep. You really grinded our meats. Oh, man, you grinded my meats. My meats, they be ground. Pop, man, you grinded my meats. My meats, they be ground.

Pop, you are fighting those supercharged zombies with your blessing active. The zombie grabs you by the hand, Pop, and tries to bite your face. It sinks or it wraps its teeth around your face. As it clenches its jaw, you feel its teeth shattering around you. Nice try, bucko. It's your turn i'm going to try to hook the sickle in the top part of its open mouth put the hammer in the bottom part and just do this pull open you hook up into its mouth you hook down into its mouth and you drag in both directions the zombie's head comes apart and its

body goes limp when that happens you send the top part of the head flying off in one direction and the bottom half flying off in another as you do that as you split its head apart it stops being in your vision your vision clears and you can see artist simber with his bow and arrow he lowers it and over the incredibly loud rain and thunderstorm you see but not here you just see his words his mouth make the words steady on mate fuck you it didn't bite your face didn't bite yours either oh semantics i remember why i fucking want to punch you in the throat every day of the week you don't what he wants to oh okay i punch him in the throat no tiffany you take another level of exhaustion fighting in these conditions.

Pop makes the saving throw. I'm going to- Your hit point maximum is halved, Tiffany. Oh, God, that's not good. No, it's not. I've had better times. I want to call Vaughn, but I also don't because he might be about to do something good. And I don't know that.

Why is Ardis not- Using the ring? I know practically why he's not. But it just is like- Annoying? He's not dying right now like we are. That's why I told him to fuck off when he told me to steady on. I'll steady on when I'm dead.

And that ain't today. You have cool lines. You should go into writing. Okay. That's it. Okay. I will. I'll write an 80s action film about a giant tortoise that fights

and has cool lines. I'll call it Dyshell. I half expected you to just be like, I'll call it Robocop. Just give another film. I'll call it John Wick 2. John Wickening. The same thing. John Wick 3, fully Wick.

Too Wick, too furious. John Wick 3 fully Wick too Wick too Furious too Wick too John Wick Adam I'd like to chug a health potion okay and I'd like to cast oh fuck

Tiffany you're on 16 hit points son of a bitch I'm gonna is there you recover 8 hit points pop Adam I'd like to use Detect Poison and Disease on Tiffany and myself.

The mold is just some form of necrotic damage. It's not going to spread. Good. Mold's gross. We should be right. Chug a potion. You can still hear those calls from around the fort of their breaching the wall. Artisimber gestures in one of the directions and says,

Go, you've delayed enough here. Are you fucking... Are you saying, we're going to have words after this, fuckface? What did I do? I saved your life. Don't tell me... Anyway, bye. Oh, I follow.

Can I chug a health potion on the way? As you're chugging a health potion, Artis Simber just briefly grabs your wrist before you keep moving, and he looks you dead in the eyes through the pouring rain and says, I feel this would be lost on pop, but if this is the last time we speak to each other, you strike me as a very good person. I was glad to know you.

He lets go. I don't let him because i give him a big old cuddle he hugs you back but as he's really briefly like all right you recover six hit points stephanie as i pull away i look him in the eyes and say i hope you find her she'll be lucky to have you oh i'm sure i'll find her. I've been in hairier spots than this before. A smile and run off. Chugging the second health potion. You recover another four hit points. Eight hit points. No, six hit points. Sorry.

What does that bring me to? You're on 28, your current maximum. I also want to cure wounds at first level. You use a cure wounds on yourself yeah i have one of each spell slot let's do this motherfucker uh you recover a further 10 hit points pop you get to the back end of the fort you see guralian zombies climbing their way over the walls they've breached the walls. They're in the fort.

And defenders here are fighting them to the death. This is definitely a dire situation. You can see the back watchtower here. There are four soldiers atop there. Including Lieutenant Firebeard. It looks like they are making a last stand as guralian zombies climb around them and swarm them you are definitely too late to save them if you'd only been here moments earlier you might have been able to stop this unfortunately they are now going to die

there's nothing you can do you just can't get there in time additionally further defenders are here including commander breakbone you can't kill him he's a fuck commander breakbone is rallying the men as best as he can some of the acolytes are among here as well dragging wounded away you hear screaming and panicking. There are small clumps of soldiers about, some of them also making last stands, some of them just fighting as best as they can, preventing the Guralians from getting deeper into the fort, and some of them just standing about panicking. If you want, there are in total five panicking soldiers.

You can make a persuasion or intimidation check to get any one of them into the fight. Otherwise, you have your own actions. We will start with Tiffany. There's a Guralian bearing down upon the center of the camp where the archers are, where the main tent is, and where Sister Sias is. I would like to start attacking the Guralians that are going for my Pseudomum. Pseudomum, Pseudomum. She's your mum, but she's not actually. It's heading towards the center where she is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You dart in there, but you're on your- This is just how I'm thinking about it. You use green flame blade because there's literally no reason not to. Is that a cantrip? Yeah. Fuck yeah, what a good cantrip. Yeah, boy.

I'm just glad it has a song now because that means we can sing the song with no limitations. Oh, the smokey pokey. Yeah. Oh, smoky pokey yeah oh smoky you think this isn't my first smoky pokey you land a good hit dealing 11 points of piercing damage i'm too fire as soon as you do that you realize it was a trap another zombie another grelian zombie launches itself off the wall and lands behind you they're on either side of you this is some orchestrated shit both of them attack you i'm gonna die you have a luck you can luck no i ran out you're all out of luck i're all out of luck. I'm all out of luck. You're all out of luck. There's a zombie behind you.

Adam, this is great. This has been great for pun songs. This whole campaign has been great for pun songs. I realise today we sing so much. We're so merry. For a pair of characters who are bitter and broken, we sing a lot.

It must just be like all the sunshine in our bodies has to come out somewhere. We can't keep hurting each other. It's true, and if you don't sing it, it'll come out your butthole, and then you'll shit fire. That explains everything. That's why the kids used to call me Charmander at school. I was embarrassing. Don't look at me, guys.

Tom just shat fire. Oh, my God. Stop. I didn't. You're still on fire, man. No, I just, this is a match. I dropped a match on my pants on purpose. Where's the stick?

It burnt up. Tiffany, one of the growling zombies grabs you by the arms. The other one grabs you by the legs. Both of them pull. Tiffany, you're unconscious. Pop, you hear your namesake. Tiffany's spine stretches and distorts. The one holding Tiffany's legs twists over using its many hands to pass the legs over so that it's twisted Tiffany over almost once completely.

There's a crack and then both of them drop tiffany who falls to the ground unconscious uh i don't um when you said you hear your namesake i was like my family is here um adam i would like to try to intimidate some of those soldiers first i will allow you specifically to do one as a free action, but a second one, but any further ones will require an action. Can I communicate with Vaughn or is that an action? No, that's free. Cool, cool, cool. So what I'm going to do is, I'm going

to intimidate some soldier, a soldier. Before I do that, I'm running out of water for my aquan. I'm just going to tell you what I'm going to tell. I'm, fuck it, I'm not speaking in their language, I'm running out of water for my aquan. I'm just going to tell you what I'm going to tell. Fuck it. I'm not speaking in that language. I'm just going to scream it in common because I'm stressed and I just saw a person who I care about and will never admit to caring about, like, ripped in half.

Vaughn, on me now. Somewhere deep on the other side of the battlefield, a shield guardian has an ankylosaurus you know the low to the ground yeah boys with the big ball tails a zombie one of those up in the air the shield guardian brings its back down onto his knee and breaks its back bane's oh i love this guy so much yes fawn he drops the ankylosaurus and it hits the ground its upper body still moving and trying to fight but its lower body dead and useless the shield guardian looks up towards where it sees through the distant rain and through the thunder a fort the fort has many fires inside none of them are fires that should be there and smoke clouds slowly rising distantly the shield guardian can hear screams there's definitely something awful happening in the fort and as the shield guardian stares more intently it can see zombies swarming the walls the northern wall is

buckling and with further force will collapse destroying one of the fort's walls the shield guardian slowly turns about and sees it's the objective that it's been working towards for the past 20 minutes. On the back of an undead Tyrannosaurus Rex, a some sort of strange deathless spellcaster I should have played that and then called Vaughn. Some sort of strange deathless spellcaster is issuing orders to the zombies. The shield guardian yearns to complete its original order, but instead turns

and starts sprinting towards the fort, bowling over the dead in its charge. It looks and sees the snaking line of undead reaching towards the horizon. So this is also a soul grinder and you didn't warn us of that. That sucks. If I had called Vaughn, would it have got to him eventually?

Potentially. I would have eventually started rolling for Vaughn fighting it. Man, I should have played my Futuristic Circumstance. Vaughn would not... Look, Vaughn might not have come out of that fight very well anyway. Yeah, no, I know. He would have ended up running away because I gave him that instruction. All right.

Now I'm going to turn to the soldier who is shitty. What's the name of their god? Do I remember that? The hand? The shield? The iron fist? They worship several gods. Tyr, Helm, Torm, and Hr.

That's all right. I'll just say gods. That's fine. Okay. I'm going to grab this. What is it? What am I looking at? Who's this soldier?

Is he a little young man? Is he a boy? Is he a dwarf? Is he a dwarf? Is he an elf? He looks like a local recruit. You can see that he's Cholton, but he's wearing the Order of the Gauntlets insignia. He's not a local, like a tribal hire.

He's obviously a new recruit. We speak to him in Cholton, which probably has an accent that I can't be bothered doing right now. Too stressful. Too stressful. Grab him by the face.'s your name soldier uh uh uh sepito sepito when you die and go to your gods are you gonna go on your knees are you gonna go standing like a fucking man pick up that sword and die with your heart full and your eyes bright

go fuck yeah he picks up his um you would fail, but I'm going to give you advantage on this, because that was just a good line, and you pass. He picks up his sword and joins the fight. He'll fight beside you as you try to get to Tiffany, presumably. That's what I'm going to do now, is I'm going to fight my way to Tiffany. This is the first round of combat again, so you get your four attacks. Woo-hoo! We've entered a new combat.

First hits are critical. You did good. Fuck, yes, I did. My friend's in trouble. Hey, not even like... You know how I'll typically be like, oh, Superman does good. Yeah?

No, he's doing good. Oh. I'm rescuing somebody. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I... I don't know. It's actually...

You also don't hear me say, hands off my friend, you apey son of a bitch. No. Do you? Yes. No. Oh, my God. Tom.

Welcome to the fun part of the game where I tell cast nice things I've said while Tiffany is dead. First hit, critical. Slice to the cheek, quadruple damage. You tear the Gryllon's face apart, dealing in that first blow 28 points of damage. In the second blow, you deal five. In the third, you deal seven. In the fourth, you deal five again again so that's 45 points of damage

um it's still standing but you have delivered some pretty horrendous blows to it it is just fucked up you destroyed its body and then the new recruit slams into it he brings his sword down onto its head dealing seven points of damage slaying it the goralan zombie goes down and the new recruit looks at the slain creature then at you he has clear and obvious shock in his face. Atta boy, soldier. Phenomenal. He's changed that boy's life. Tiffany, you're going to need to make a death saving throw. 19.

That's a success. Oh, my God. If you had got one more, you'd be alive. But the fact that I didn't die, because in this game, when you die. You soul monger. Oh, no, you come back fucked up bad. Super fucked up bad bad. Case in point, my whole body.

Yeah, I... How... Like, there's only so much alter self I can do. Are you going to come back fucked from this anyway? Like, you come back and you're like top half just faces a different direction. Oh, I'm always a bit like, twisted about. You're always giving like sexy smolder shoulder.

Yeah, like I'm all. I've never heard of smolder shoulder before. Yeah, me neither. It just came to me. I was like, what's that pose? I was like, oh, wow. Tom knows the cool words. The Guralan launches itself over Tiffany and lands on you, Pop.

You bring your two weapons up as it starts laying into you you're deflecting blow after blow after blow after blow as it slowly beats down on you every time it hits even though you're deflecting all of these blows you can feel the shuddering earth beneath you and when you look to your left you see that the earth is nearly equal with your eye line. You are being beaten into the mud and muck. As you look to your left as well. You see that you are sinking into the mud. And you can see the fight happening all around you.

It is going very badly here. It looks like the rear end of the fort is about to be lost and overrun you maybe even can see the top of that guard tower and you can see that there is no longer a fight happening there fire beard is dead i'm the captain now it's he was a lieutenant, he was a lieutenant. I'm the lieutenant now. Okay. Well, I rallied a soldier.

I'm, you know, doing something. Pop, it's your turn. How far is Warned? I have no idea, do I? Yeah, you don't know. Fuck. I'm going to kill this other zombie. I'm going to go for his face and head.

You start hammering back at him. You deal eight points of damage as you bring your sickle into the side of its neck. You deal seven points of damage as you slash one of its eyes out of its face. You deal six points of damage. As you don't have enough windup for your sickle in a second go, but when you go again with your sickle, you cave in half of its head and you start dragging its head down to yours. When it gets close enough, you headbutt its head.

Fuck yes, I do. Yes. We call this a Choltean kiss, motherfucker. Choltean pash. I'm going to give you a Choltean pass rash. In case you didn't know, that's a caved-in face. The soldier slashes down with his sword and lops one of the grillin's hands off. Good boy, Cepedo.

Keep going. Tiffany. 17. Another success. with his sword and lops one of the grillin's hands off good boy seppetto keep going tiffany 17 another success you're on two successful saving throws now if i wake up i'm playing dead okay it's the grill ellen's turn grill alan's turn yeah it's tim allen's turn the zombie continues to beat down on you pop you only take six points of damage but the creature has complete leverage in this fight you you're in an awful position but you're defending the blows excellently the problem is you're like 10 offense 90 defense right now yeah it's your turn i keep going with that 10 of offense unless can i do if i summon spike growth where we were both lying that would hurt me a lot, wouldn't it, Adam? Hey, have you ever used Zephyr Strike? You know that gives you an extra attack, right?

Yeah, but oh my god, it's a first level spell. Hey, Adam. Yeah? Before I attack can I use Zephyr Strike like a big idiot? Hey, buddy, of course you can. Yeah, I can. That extra attack does extra damage as well. Can I? Two for one at Big Fuck Store. buddy, of course you can. Yeah, I can. That extra attack does extra damage as well.

Can I? Two for one at Big Fuck Store. Two for one at Big Fuck Store. Can I take this back? Yes. Get a good boy card, Cass. Adam, that is the second time I've made that joke tonight. That was a callback. I wasn't listening to it the first time.

I was presumably deep in books. I'd like to be returned to the Big Fuck store because I ordered a Big Fuck and this is the biggest fuck. Sorry, that's the only Big Fuck we had in stock. It's not the right size. You deal. You cast Zephyr Strike and your attacks. not size you deal you you cast zephyr strike and your attacks have you ever seen have you ever played arkham knight or any of the batman games you know that move where he's like and then yeah yeah yeah and then he like he's just fucking sprinting it at the

end you slowly work up to that seven damage damage. Five damage. Five damage. Zephyr Strike activates. Fifteen points of damage in your final strike. You break the grill- Grill-Allen's body. It wants to keep fighting, but it does not have enough intact bone network to keep its body moving.

It collapses, and all it can do is moan uselessly in the muck and mud. Eventually, its body will break down to the point that this creature will be nothing. You are done with this one. Good. I'm finished.

Oh, that's so good. Thank you for taking this horrible Grille-ion down. Tiffany, you get seven. That's a failure. Oh, no. Pop, what would you like to do? I would like to stabilize Tiffany, Adam. Would you like to use a health potion?

Yes, I have one left. You pour one down her gullet. You pour one out for your homie. Tiffany, you recover. That's so good, Adam. It'd be funnier if I pour half of it down your throat and then the other half just out onto the ground. I don't think Ardus is going to make it. Tiffany, you recover seven hit points.

You're conscious. You're right horns yeah good is it safe for me to play dead they're both dead between the two of you you rally the other soldiers and you you're able to force the grill allen zombies off the walls and onto the other side you retake that little observation tower or whatever the guard tower and seppetto as you're retaking it you pop and seppetto are the first ones on the tower and you see the broken bloodied body of firebeard and the other guards here you see they took in their death they took double their number in zombies to kill the zombie corpses are lying here as well. I take my hat off just for a moment and just hold it, you know, against my chest and have just a second of respect for the dead

and then put the hat back on. That confuses me to no end because when would you ever do that for someone outside of this situation? I realise it's because of war and I realise how much I don't know and there's no way I can comprehend any of it. It's the polite thing to do, Cass. how much i don't know and there's no way i can comprehend any of it it's the polite thing to do cass the pedo kneels down he grabs firebeard's helmet with two hands and brings firebird's helmet and head up to his head he presses them together and you imagine he maybe says

whispers something and then he slowly gently puts Firebeard back down, and a few minutes later you have the western wall secured again. Fuck yeah, we do. Baa! Son of a bitch, I hate those horns. What? Where's it coming from? It's coming from the north.

Is it within reason that we're like, oh, that's the army's horn? You are, yeah, you would know that, yeah. The enemy's horn, not... I turn to Cepetto. Cepetto, your job is to make sure this western wall never falls again. Can you do that, young man? Gosh, you're putting a lot on Cepetto. If I have to intimidate him, I will. Oh my God, I forgot you've been intimidating soldiers.

Oh my gosh. Who are you? Cepedo's breastplate is covered in mud and blood. It's splattered up along his face and onto one of his cheeks. Through his helmet, he gives you a steely gaze and his hand tightens on his sword he says nothing good all right who wants you with me how much health are you on you're on seven hit points oh i have no oh wait do we have any more no i don't think i think i use the potion i really i really don't feel good i really feel bad. I don't know if I can fight.

Go get... Artis is closest to us, isn't he? Yes. Artis is closest to you. You guys have been... I don't want to say dawdling, but you've been here long enough that Commander Breakbone has made his way to you. You! You!

Reinforce the Northern Wall now! What do you fucking think we were going to do? Jesus Christ. Something other than standing around. He manhandles you. He grabs you and physically throws you in the direction of the northern wall. I headbutt him. All right.

Cool. And then head towards the northern wall. That's a hot critical hit. Oh, my gosh. I follow. I follow. We've been told. I follow you.

This could just go very poorly for you. Wait, is this a critical hit from me to him? Am I going to kill the commander? Drop it. Triple damage, and the target must succeed on a DC 14 strength or dexterity saving throw on a failed save the target Drops what they are holding So I he'll pass the saving throw but you deal 15 points of damage to him when you headbutt him you hear his helmet snap

backwards and Blunt and turn into his chin. He cries out in pain. I'm assuming you don't dawdle. No, no, no. But just before I turn around, just before we head off, we're going to go to the northern wall. I want to say, I'm fighting in your fight,

but I'm not in your fucking army. As you're walking away, you can feel his eyes boring into the back of your head. It's an almost physical force. Vaughn, you're with me. Vaughn isn't here yet. Oh, no, wait. Vaughn hasn't arrived yet.

I've just called him. Yeah. Vaughn's on his way. He's on his way, and we don't know that he's so nearly talking out the door. I know. It's so fast. He's so nearly got to.

Let's not jump the gun there. Have we... No, because the other guys at the front aren't there. It's just Artis who's here with us. Is he coming with us to the north? Artis... No, Artis is still directing the archers. You see, as you're sprinting towards the northern wall,

you see two things. First, you see... Well, actually see well actually oh no your passive perception no both of your passive perceptions are really high both of you see a white crow flying over the northern end of the battlefield it slowly drifts downwards until it reaches artist simba he holds out an arm and it lands on his arm when it comes that close to artist simber you realize that it is made out of ice man that ring is so fucking cool what do you think he's done hope something good the second thing you notice is at the same time artist simber is shouting about it the wall they're collapsing the wall you can see massive force

being applied to the northern wall as a bunch of soldiers run up and put their weight behind it it explodes completely destroyed into them fractured pieces of wood some as long as a forearm go flying everywhere like shrapnel men are cut down on the other side of the wall three giant zombie dinosaurs cyclosauruses oh my god adam armored and with giant club-like tails they break their way through the northern wall three massive holes have been made in the northern wall through which they come and zombies stream in behind them the defenders scramble to start plugging these holes. I want to use my last second level spell to cast Spike Growth where they're trying to come, where they're broken through, basically. Okay. And now a word from our sponsors.

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Now I'm all out of spells so I can't heal me or you. Sorry, Cass. Good choice. I'm all out of spells. I cannot help you. You're on your own now. You can cover two of the holes like that your spike growth shreds the zombies as they try to spill through the gateway or through the through the holes made in the wall but it doesn't stop the giant dinosaur zombies one of which

starts to rampage towards the medical tents and the command tent. No. Another one heads towards the gate. You presume to attack the defenders there from behind. If that happens, it could cause a rout. No, it'll be fine. You know why? Cooper Louie's at the front gate.

That motherfucker ain't letting anyone get past him. Another one barrels towards you. It knocks over a fire as it's going so you can square down with this or you can go after one of the other ones whatever happens you're leaving potentially at least one of them to rampage around here without you who are you going after we have to go to the medical tent we have to protect the societies. They can't fight. They don't know how. You go to the medical tent, grab Artis, take him with you.

If that thing gets to the front gate and breaks it, we're fucked. Okay. I'm going to run for Artis immediately. Artis Simber, you can tell, is guiding the archers very well. If you drag Artis Simber away from this, the archers are going to be drastically reduced in effectiveness he's their eyes basically go get my mate i know i gave him a job but they're not attacking the western wall anymore yes sepeto my boy sepeto you turn around

and you start calling out for sepeto he's moving towards you but it's going to take him some time you'll have to go to the medical tent on your own. Meet me there, Ed Scamper. And I run to the front gate. Are you going towards the front gate? I'm going to go to the front gate, yeah. Oh, and you're going to let that one rampage through the back end of the fort, yeah? Yeah, well, I mean, yeah. Someone's getting rampaged. If it goes through the front gate, we're fucked. Okay. One of them has to rampage at him. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. You're right. You're a big piece of shit. Yes, yep, yep, yep, yep. You're right. You're a big piece of shit. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So you both manage to get to the medical tent at about the same time that the one there starts to get to the medical tent. One of the acolytes, a healer, bars the Ankylosaurus's way. It brings up one of its giant legs and crushes the man, killing him instantly. Let's go to initiative, shall we? You by yourself? Yep. Technically you're together right now. You need to keep going.

How many spells do I have? It looks like I have four first level spells. I think you It looks like I have four first level spells. I think you used all your second level. This fight's going to be long and I've used a lot of things early. It's an endurance match. Yep. Oh, I didn't use the scroll of earth tremor yet, did I? Because I didn't get close enough.

No, I don't believe you did. Well, I have scroll of earth tremor still. That's good. But the problem is everyone's in the same area. We came back. We didn't have to come back here, but we came back here because Adam, as Quasha told us to, and I realised that that's just Adam. Well, if we didn't, we did promise Quasha. Yeah, we did.

We promised. We fucking promised. I don't want to be here, but we promised. No, we didn't want we did promise Quasha. Yeah, we did. We promised. I fucking promised. I don't want to be here, but we promised. No, we need to go somewhere else. I'm first. Can I hit the Ankylosaurus and, like, try to annoy it and then keep going? Yes, you can, but you'll be taking some of your movement to do that. So right now your movement for the first round of combat is 60 feet. Yep.

Which is a normal person's movement. Yep. You will only make like 30 feet of progress then towards the front gate. If you make 60 feet of... So your options are... Yeah. Get to the gate this turn

or get to the gate the turn after. All right. What I'm going to do is I'm going to keep running 60 feet to the front gate turn or get to the gate the turn after. All right. What I'm going to do is I'm going to keep running 60 feet to the front gate. But as I'm running past Tiffany, I just like to think to myself and to my good best friend, Vaughn, help Tiffany. And I keep going. I've got to say it out loud? Yeah. As I run past Tiffany then, Vaughn, help Tiffany.

Keep going. I feel especially touched because you could have said that in Aquan. I could have. I have a bottle of water right here. But no, it's more so that I guess you know that helps Carmen? I don't even register what has really happened, so I don't say thank you in time. Somewhere outside the northern wall of Camp Vengeance, Vaughn is slowly making his way, wading his way through hordes of zombies.

Every step he takes, he crunches more and more into the muck and dirt. A creature with intelligence might have taken a perverse pleasure in this. But Vaughn does not know pleasure. Vaughn does not know anger. Vaughn does not understand pain. All Vaughn knows is. That it needs to get inside the fort. Now.

Because it has been summoned. As it approaches one of the openings. That have been made by the big dinosaur creatures, it hears a voice calling out to it. Vaughn, help Tiffany. Somewhere in its mind, quotation marks, shall we say, Vaughn understands what a Tiffany is. A Tiffany is leather wrapped around a blue creature that master stands next to sometimes oh that's fantastic he is vaguely aware of tiffany's direction not perfectly like he is with master but master is aware of tiffany's direction so vaughn knows tiffany's direction adam your narration of vaughn is possibly some of your best work

he changes tact instead going for the middle opening as vaughn approaches the middle opening a giant dinosaur creature whatever it is the four-legged ones vaughn thinks is trying to clamber its way through the hole vaughn grabs it by its tail, lifts it up, and smacks it on the ground once, twice, and then three times until it stops moving. Vaughn did not do this because he thought it was an enemy. It was in the way, and Vaughn needed to do that to get it out of the way. Oh, yes. Can Vaughn just take down all the dinosaurs?

Well, he's taken down one. I guess he's coming to help you, and then once he's helped you, you'll come to me, I suppose? Yeah. Tiffany, you see the wall burst open as Vaughn makes the opening slightly wider. Vaughn casts his gaze around, locks onto you, and starts making his way towards you.

Oh, thank goodness. It's the ankylosaurus's turn. Oh, boo. Oh, no. You're on seven hit points. Do you have your health potion? No, you drank it. Yep.

Yeah, I already nearly died, you see. And I used my health potion to save your life. You did. See, I already nearly died, you see. Already nearly died, you say. Well, as I say as it is, I already nearly died. You see. And you spend the rest of your turn getting to the front gate.

Yep. You arrive at the same time that the Ankylosaurus does. There's a general panic beginning to happen as the defenders there are being attacked from both sides. Or about to be attacked from both sides. The Ankylosaurus that you are near, Tiffany, highs or lows? Highs. Yeah, 420, baby.

It does not target you. Instead, there is a wounded soldier outside of the command tent. The wounded soldier, who is using his sword as kind of like a a crutch to move along turns around and starts scrambling to get away from the ankylosaurus but it turns around battering him with its tail the man is thrown clear 30 feet he hits the southern wall and half of his body tumbles over the other side half half i have a brief moment of oh no followed by another very brief thought of at least he was already injured and we didn't lose a fighter because it is dire tiffany it's your turn does it look like doing earth of tremor i can do it in a way that will hurt no one or is the ankylosaurus super in yeah yeah you can easily uh people are giving it a lot

of space so yeah well i would like to cast earth tremor okay it must make a dexterity saving throw good luck with no hands. It passes. What? What? It has no hands. It's got four legs, though. Yeah, but they're big, stodgy legs.

It's not a nimble little ballerina dinosaur. It's like four thumbs, Adam. You create all around you difficult terrain as the earth cracks, crumbles, and breaks apart. You deal no damage to the creature, though. What if I... Fortuitous circumstance? For a reroll. What? Reroll? Oh, you can spend it for a reroll.

Don't cash that in for a reroll, just use it. That's the only scroll I have of that spell. Oh, well, one use. Yeah, then maybe... Are you going to do that? I've still got a fortuitous circumstance as well. Okay, well, one use. Yeah, then maybe. Are you going to do that? I've still got a fortuitous circumstance as well. Okay, yep, not reroll.

All right. I'll cash this one in and we'll just hold on to that one. Oh. It instead fails. It is knocked prone. So all of its legs crumble out from beneath it. Or maybe just one of it. It's quite big. Just one of its legs falls out away from beneath it,

and that makes it, forces it down to the ground. And it takes a mighty one points of damage. No. Yes. Reroll. Oh, no. You're good. You can spend both of your fortuitous circumstances doing that.

That was your turn, Tiffany. Yeah, it was, wasn't it? Does Vaughn get it? Oh, no, he's not there yet. All of his turns are reach, Tiffany. Reach leather wrapped in blue creature. Blue creature in leather with a face that is broken. Sharp top, soft bottom, leather coating.

Serpetto wades into the fray. Oh, that's right. Sopeto charges, screaming. He swings his sword and connects with the Ankylosaurus. He will deal a mighty...

He deals a mighty... Oh, that's alright. Look, it could have been worse. Nine points of damage. Nine more than... No, eight more than, I don't know how math is. Eight more than you? Yeah. Yeah. I can do numbers, mum.

He's known for being handsome. Known for being handsome. Don't ask him any questions. Yeah. The tent flaps burst open and Sister Sias springs into the fight. Can I run to her? It's not my turn. I want to go to her.

Let me run. She casts a spell and as she finishes the final touches on the spell, making the final hand gestures, saying the final words, you can see that her skin is turning to stone. What? What? What? She becomes like a moving boulder. What?

Oh, that's a good thing. I thought she was dying. No. She turned her skin into stone. Oh, her skin into stone, not she turned to stone. No, she's not. She Medusa'd out of there. No, no, no.

It's a spell to stop damage. That's good. Not I can't be killed if I've already died. Her skin is now as hard as stone. I reflect on how her cuddle would feel different now. Pop, it's yours. Who's at the gate? At the gate?

You can't see. There's a giant dinosaur in between you. All right, yeah, no, fair. Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair. You can see some of the defenders, but just, like, general faces. Actually, up on the platform, you can see Quasha looking down.

Oh, I hope he's got some good undead spells. He's... I don't need to tell him what to do. He's a smart enough man to see an undead Ankylosaurus trying to kill people and work out that that should be the main goal right here. So I'm just going to put faith in another person. Actually, you know what? You get Quasha.

Yay! So you direct him on your turn. Great. Tiffany, you get Cepedo. Nice. I'm going to make him join our party after this. Tiffany, you get Cepedo. Nice. I'm going to make him join our party after this. Yeah, sounds fun. It is a party now.

Tell them the war is hell, but we're fun. Quasha does, I don't know. Does he have an ability that is really effective against undead things? Quasha can throw a little ball of fire at it. He also has Thunder Wave, but Thunder wave isn't really useful here he'd have to come down now we'll fireball it that's that's probably the best option yeah uh there's not a lot he can do from up there he's got like a sling that he can fire down but the fire would be better i'm assuming fire would probably be better yeah cool i'll get him to do that and

then on my turn because this is because this is my first technical attack action, do I get my good old special four attacks in one hit? Yes. Oh, no, I think that's in the first round of combat. Oh, damn. Hang on, let me quickly check. Oh, and my first round was running away. Yeah.

Boo, Adam. At the start of your first turn of each combat, yeah. Yeah, that's all right. I will. Well, I'll just fight this guy. I'm going to try to just. All right, you ugly son of a fuck. You attack three times, getting a critical hit.

Your first attack with your hammer is a miss. Your second attack with the sickle is a critical hit. And your third attack with the hammer is also a hit. Yeah, fucking I hear i hear you big ugly piece of shit you get what you pay for maximum damage and you and the target must make a contested strength check if the target loses their weapon oh they don't have a weapon here let me draw another one maximum damage sounds cool maybe you just keep that part yeah just keep the maximum damage bit or would you rather disarmed, quadruple damage,

and if the damage the target takes is equal to greater than one half of their maximum hit points, they lose an arm slash hand. Yeah, see? Yeah. Yeah. Can I go for the tail? Well, yeah. Retroactively.

That is presumably what you're lobbing at. I'm not going for its little stodgy legs that are bullshit. Oh, no. Bullshit legs. You deal a minimum but quadruple damage. So that's 20 points of damage. Nope, sorry. You don't cut off its giant tail.

But you deal a significant blow to the creature. And I also hit it with a hammer. You do a further six points of damage on that attack. Communism. Shut up! Communism. With your sickle, slash at the Ankylosaurus's tail. It's facing away from you, attacking the defenders at the gates.

So it doesn't really notice you. And you get a great, amazing hit. You do a significant amount of damage to the creature's tail but you do not cut it off which is what you presumably were looking to do fuck you while the creature no the creature turns around its giant snaking head coming around to its ass to get a good look at you and while it does that you bop it on the nose come on ugly let's go oh and quasha hurls a ball of fire uh the ball of fire somehow misses well it hits the ankylosaurus but it just washes uselessly against its back armor I roll my eyes. It's the Ankylosaurus's turn. Ah, fuck. It swings at you, Pop.

You are struck. You take 15 points of damage. Oh, I wasn't on a lot of health to start with. You're on 36, you're on 21. Oh, no.

That's pretty low. Not as low as yo, though. And the blow nearly knocks you prone. Nearly. Nearly, but it doesn't. You manage to weather the attack. I'm a nimble big boy. Tiffany, Cepedo, and Sister Sias,

the Ankylosaurus is not sure who to pick. You will be one, two, Tiffany. Cepedo will be three, four, and to pick you will be one two tiffany sepeto will be three four and sister sias will be five six five six it swings at sister sias i saw i i relief and then fear bittersweet joy go for sepeto i don't i say he's not mine he's's a brave boy. Then he'll die with dignity. It strikes Sister Sias in the chest. She's lifted slightly off the ground. Oh, gosh. But when she lands, she manages to keep her footing instead of being knocked prone. You can also tell that she took significantly less damage thanks to her stony skin.

She would have taken 24 points of damage, but instead she takes only 12. That is a good power. That's a reallyony skin. She would have taken 24 points of damage, but instead she takes only 12. That is a good power. That's a really good power. I'm proud of Strong Mom. How do I get one of those Strong Mom powers? Tiffany and Zepeto. What do you want Zepeto to do? What can Zepeto do? Any fire magic.

If you keep him standing beside you, you can fight beside him and you get sneak attack damage. Yes. Does he have any fire magic? He does not. He has a sword, a shield, and courage. The greatest weapon of all, Cass. Zepeto, that's so basic.

I don't say that. I just look at him and I'm like- Oh my god, Zepeto, you're such a basic lizard man. I have no idea if he's a lizard man or not. He has a hard angular face. He could be an elf or a human. Or a half-elf, sorry. Can I attack while he stands next to me

and then on his turn he runs in and attacks so I get a sneak bonus? He's already standing next to it. Oh, so I'd have to go to the thing. I don't know what you're planning on doing. You need to be fighting next to him to get your sneak attack. Yeah, but our turns are consecutive. He goes before or after you whenever you want him to.

He coordinates with you. So if he stands next to me while I attack, then I get a sneak bonus? Yes. But then on his turn he runs away okay yeah yeah you can get him to do that if you want he can back off so he won't actually attack he'll just be fighting next to you to get your sneak attack bonus but then he on his turn he runs and attacks with a sword yeah he doesn't need to run in and attack with a sword. So, Ness, what are you trying to do?

Yeah, I don't understand. Am I next to him now? No, he's next to the Ankylosaurus, but it is not next to you. Where am I? You're a bit back. I thought I was next to him. No, no, no. Okay, I use Witch Bolt.

I do not get in the fray. No, I back away. I go as far away from everything as I can and I use Witch Bolt. Okay. And you just want him to keep fighting next to you keep on slugging slugger I'm sorry

I thought places were different your witch bolt rakes along the ankylosaurus and you deal 7 points of damage that would have killed me he continues to swing you want him to stay and fight seven points of damage. That would have killed me. He continues to swing.

Sepeta, you wanted to stay and fight? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He swings and he strikes with his sword, dealing eight points of damage. Still somehow out-damaging you. Fine, that's fine. Who is to care? That was Tiffany and Sepeta. That is fucking shit.

It's so bad. What if we go? Do you want to go? I was, and Cepeto. This whole fight is fucking shit. It's so bad. What if we go? Do you want to go? I was, I was, no, I can't. Sorry. I have weird loyalty in this fight now. Oh my God. Well, I'm not leaving if you're staying, obviously.

Correct. I'm a layered man. Sister Sias hammers the creature on its head, dealing double damage on a critical hit. Oh my god. She's so cool and powerful. She donked him. You can see parts of the Ankylosaurus's skull revealed after her attack. Good.

Pop and Quasha. Adam. Yeah? I would like to have another crack at the tail. Okay, cool. Oh wait, is it facing me now? It's kind of like fighting both sides. It's spinning around as it needs to.

Fuck it, I'm going to go for its fucking brain. All right. Right between the eyes. Oh, your first attack, you slash at its head and miss. Your second attack, you swing your hammer and miss. It's spinning around in circles so much that you can't get a good blow in your maybe some of them are glancing blows some of them are just outright misses because its head is comparatively such a small target but then finally with your sickle after it's made several revolutions round you cop it really well underneath its chin dealing eight points of damage

kwasha same thing can i aid kwasha by trying to keep its head steady with the sickle in it you can try well your turn's over but next time you could try to do that yeah kwasha again just like the fire splashes harmlessly over its back glad i've got such a useless helper tiffany the ankylosaurus leaps at you and as it does so a giant metallic fist hits it jeez louise i nearly died again vaughn crunches through the wall, looks over at its destination, and sprints towards it. There's something, one of those big dinosaur four-legged things, whatever it is, Vaughn is aware dimly,

somewhere in its magical consciousness, that this is the protecting from that vaughn must do as it leaps towards vaughn thinks back on his training years and years and years centuries ago with that old wizard one and two and one and two good boy vaughn good boy vaughn is a good boy punches the ankylosaurus raising it up into the air briefly vaughn realizes that as the ankylosaurus falls it may crush tiffany vaughn calculates that the easiest way to get rid of the ankylosaurus is to just throw it he grabs it and throws it as he watches it land among the zombies vaughn if he were sentient would have thought how good it was that the that the ankylosaurus acted as kind of a boulder thrown from a catapult destroying a swathe of zombies

however vaughn is not sentient and so does not care that a large amount of zombies were just destroyed do you say anything to vaughn thank you vaughn looks down at the little swaddled in leather blue thing he hears the words thank you but they were not said by master he did not acknowledge now reunited with vaughn can pop and tiffany clear the camp and save the day find out next time on once upon a time in zombie plagued shovels thanks for listening if you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at sans pants radio then why not subscribe to sanspantsplus.com for as little as five dollars Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at SantsPantsRadio, then why not subscribe to SantsPantsPlus.com?

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