D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #4 Guides

Episode Date: August 10, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. He has no style. He has no grace. This Kong has a funny face. Oi, you handsome dickheads. I'm here to let you know that we're running a three-part D&D campaign over on Twitch this August. It'll feature all your favourites, Cass! And then myself, Jackson, Adam and Joel Dusha from our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star, will also be there. Come see us fumble our way through Adam's carefully crafted story as we refuse to acknowledge any plot hooks or interesting NPCs in need of help. Part 1 starts August 11th for us, but August 10th for the rest of the world. To find out the exact times and dates, head on over to our Twitter, at D&D is for Nerds, or at Sandspans Radio for more information.

at D&D is for Nerds or at Sandspans Radio for more information. Hello and welcome to Season 1, Episode 4 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chult. Previously. Are the lights out in the room? Yeah. So she can't see me at all. Where did you go? Don't give her... I'm in the shell, I'm asleep.

Hello. We're wondering if you'd be able to help us? Help you? Much of my money has already been tied up in ventures here in Chult. I have little gold to spare. Hang on, hang on, hang on. How much am I being paid after I destroyed the Soulmonger? Gold has been left aside for you. That's a nice base level.

Any gold we find along the way can go towards paying the adventurers. We may even be able to negotiate the cabbage patch guys out of the money completely if we help them kill enough undead. We might be able to share enough of the loot with the cat tickets. Pop, he looks you dead in the eyes and whispers only loud enough for you and Tiffany to hear.

Speak to the wise guardian of Oralunga east of Mbala. She can direct you to what you seek. Adam, can I intimidate someone out of their stall and we just take over that? You can certainly try. We're going to get some sort of drum solo when he's angry at you. I've got a big shell. I'll do it back.

Pop, you're looking to hire the services of Quasha and Koopa Louie. They're sitting at the table. Quasha gestures in front of him. Please have a seat down, huh? I begrudgingly take the seat. You wish to hire them their services, huh? Yeah, you got our letter outlining our situation and the financial recuperations and planning forthwith of said adventure.

Yeah, we can agree to such a plan, but if you wish to have this agreement, then we must make a plan then, huh? Or make arrangements then, huh? For if we

see undead, we kill undead. That seems like a fine solution, and i do not think it is a trap at all some sometimes they then they uh they back down from a fight i don't want to heal see you back down from a fight this isn't an intimidating to like intimidating but i'm gonna like like do a bit of intimidating and just be like and i'm gonna stand up and just say do i fucking look like i know how to back down from a fight you're trying to look tough but not scare him yeah kwelasha looks around the room and obviously is afraid that you're going to start something in the middle of the tavern and he puts up his hands and says all right calm down calm down calm down Don't fucking tell me what to do.

Cooper Louie stands up on the table and starts beating his chest threateningly at you. Hang on. Adam. Yeah? Adam. Are we about to go on a quest with a Groot? Yes. Yes, you are.

Fuck me. You just need your rocket raccoon. We've got two fucking cats. True. You've got two rocket raccoons. A ninja turtle. There's your Drax. And a nightcrawler.

That's, oh, wow. I guess you're a Gamora. That makes sense. Your dad fucking hates you. Fuck, that's true. We're the guardians of the galaxy without a Peter Quill. Kawash is not a Peter Quill. Kawash is the chick with the mantis. Yeah, the mantis.

All right, so I've sat back down again, and I just give the tree a strange look. Cooper Louie slowly, like... Slowly lets the beating patter out, and then he sits down does he do that a lot yeah he uh cannot communicate normally huh so if he's not talking to me we have a little system then that we did that we got going huh they have a quick exchange actually cooper louis turns around and in a very quick exchange, they have a conversation with just whistles and gestures and little tapping on their own bodies. Cooper Louie looks and seems very mad and Kawasha is trying to calm him down, quite obviously. Great. This is in my my head i've offended the potato

eventually cooper louis sits back down and kawasha addresses you we do not mean to insult you them now but we need to make sure because we might be making uh detours if we hear about the undead does that make sense? Right. So we're walking to one location. If along the way you find out that 30 miles that way is going to be undead. We'll go 30 miles out of our way, kill the undead, come back 30 miles back in again. If we do it right, we won't need to divert at all.

It'll just be kind of a curving path if we have diversions that go outside say a certain limit i don't want to pay you for that day's diversion because we're assisting you in your good work killing undead we will always be uh traveling to where we're supposed to go huh but we're just not always going to get there the quickest way yeah that means you're going to be if if but if the detour can i You know what I'm trying to get at. I know, I know, I know. I'm not going to jerk you around, huh? All right.

I would say, though, that... You chose some very great... Two great groups to bring together. I'm so keen. It's going to be fucking amazing. So biased. If you wish to hire me, huh? If you want to hire me you you would really it would be really worth it to purchase a charter of exploration before we leave right right the flaming feast huh they work for uh it was one of the merchant princes the one in charge of this oh shago is a flaming fist. The two flies that I stole from you.

Joe Bao. He deals with sellswords and guides. He's in charge of all this and he and the flaming fist will not be happy if you don't get a charter. Buy a charter and you make your life a lot easier.

Hang on. I picked you because you're not connected to this fella. That's why I went with you guys. Oh, no, no, no. If you... He is.

Oh. Fuck. That's why it's so interesting. The tabaxi. I'm not. He's not... I'm not connected with the man.

I just pay him tribute. Right. But they didn't ask for 30 days up front. I thought all the people... That was the standard fare But that's not how it necessarily always goes Ah, so the only one we know that is definitely not with Jabal

Are the tabaxi Yeah Oh, you can Yeah, yeah, pretty much Question I want to ask him if he's prepared to work with others Yeah, we'll work with others But like I said, you want to get a charter of exploration

How much is charter going to cost? Depends. You'll have to look into it yourself, huh? All right. Give me a quick estimate. We're going to where... I'll show him where Vaughn is on the map. We're going here.

However, we may also need to make a slight detour to west of that place. Mbala. Mbala. Or a Luga. Or. Mbala. Mbala. Or a Luga. Or a Lunga. As part of this amulet-seeking, fact-finding mission. Vaughan is not too much trouble to get to. We just follow the river down.

The river Shorcenstar will take us pretty close. We get a couple of canoes. Easy as. But where else do you want to go? Mbala, not too hard as well also on the river huh we just keep following the river down goes eventually into uh a big lake a basin there mbala is not too far easy hit that one hit mbala but or langa way into the forest it's's almost easier to go along the coast. Well, it would be if it were not for the Miscliff Mountains, eh?

Right, right. All right, well, you come up with a best course of action, and when we hire you, we'll go from there. We're going to start in a couple of days. I'll send word for you when it's time to start our journey. All right. Do you want to ask them anything else? Have I missed anything? No.

I think that pretty much covers it. Right. Did you negotiate the price? Well, it was in the letter. Wasn't it? Three? Yeah, they agreed a three gold a day. We just have to possibly take long winded routes to fire undead places. We need to be doing something

nice for the forest, I guess. Oh yeah, I come back to you. So I assume you've left the marketplace, and this is like later that night, and we're back at old mate's house? Yes. How'd it go? Well, Faram injured himself,

so his work sort of dropped. I did make six gold, though, and five silver. Which is, that's an extra day, you know? Yeah. He injured himself. Look, I don't know why he took one of his hand piercings out, but when he put it back in, he put it back in wrong. He's had it since he was a kid. I don't know how he got it so wrong.

Right. But I'm sure he did it to me, too. I mean, that, you know, affected his pricing as well. Did he still take 50%? Yes. Of course. Fuck. Well, he was providing the beads.

Yeah, all right. Fucking beads. Beads are like fucking, yeah. Have you ever tried to make a bead? No, because I'm not a fucking moron. Well, how did you go? Good. I got old mate, the Cabbage Patch Boys.

They're on board. Oh, wonderful. Treat thing, fucking weird. Moldy. Smells like damp. They said, though, that getting to Vaughan should be relatively easy. You've just got to follow the river. Awesome.

Getting to Oralunga, though, is a bit of a journey in and of itself. Oh, well, that was hardly unexpected, I guess. He's preparing to put together a bit of a plan for us. However, we're going to need something called a Charter of Exploration from Jabal. Well, we don't need it. Would that be correct, Adam? We don't need it.

You don't need it. He explained to you that he has seen many times before people leaving without the Charter and then the Flaming flaming fist make trouble for you it's not a guarantee like they might just not find out that's very possible but without a charter of exploration you well chart of exploration will cost you money but it comes with some benefits like you will get some extra resources but most of all he's just said that like previously he's seen people not follow the rules and then it fucked them and he's just been burned by that in the past

and we don't know we don't know how much this will cost us yeah you don't know you have to organize it with the flaming fist you gotta buy a charter otherwise we'll get fucked well we better buy the charter then hopefully it's you, you know, six gold. Yeah. Because that's all we've got. Well, I made up half of the gold pretty much that I already had. Like, that was 50% of my wealth that I just made up then. How much gold did you start with? Uh, 13.

Oh. Just internally, just a very, very tiny part of pop feels bad. He squishes that part. I started off with 15, but I mean, I paid the thing because you ran out of money. So 13. So I just earned 50% of my wealth today. I don't think that's too bad.

No. I mean, I know you have something like 37 and I really do appreciate that you're putting it all toward the cause. That means a lot. Oh, God. Yep. Fuck. Oh, the guilt is killing me. I mean, I don't really have much to lose, so I don't mind giving it up.

But having, oh, my gosh, could you imagine having nearly 40 gold? I couldn't imagine having that wealth to lose. I can imagine very easily, yes, because I have nearly 40 gold. Nearly 40 gold. Gosh, that's days of work. Yep, sure is. Lots of work. That's like nearly a week.

Mm-hmm. Wow. Oh, this is so awful. Do we have any idea when the tabaxi are going to get here? Probably tomorrow. Do we need to do anything else beforeaxi are going to get here? Probably tomorrow. Do we need to do anything else before we hit the hay? No. You can just hit the hay.

Unless you want to explore Chult, you can go out there, find trouble. I'm sure enough trouble will find us. I reckon we'll have enough trouble once we leave the town. Okay, as soon as the lights go off, I say, that's it. Where did you go? I know you were there. I know you were there. I know you were there. You could just turn the lights back on.

It's not a light. It's a candle. It's not that simple. There'd be a tinderbox, actually. Because I'm not responding. I'll light it again and just make sure you're still there. You're still there. Okay.

So I guess to a point where you don't want to talk to me anymore. That's okay. We'll talk in the morning, I guess. Good night. I'm sorry. The next morning, Tiffany, you're woken up by a gentle prodding. You slowly, one of your eyes blearily opens up, and you see Lady Ware hovering over you, slowly shaking you.

Hello? Yes? Sorry, what? What's going on? Your friends are here. She moves over to you, Pop, and then wakes you up gently as well. I feel like I said don't put me in that baguette. What the fuck's going on?

It's daylight out, but barely. So you magically can once again see Pop Mandarin. Oh, good. Does Lady Ware also rely on dark vision? No, she's human. That would have been very fucking funny if she's just like, ah, he's here somewhere. No, she's human, so she needs,

she probably has like a candle on a little boy or whatever. Wake up. Wake up. Your friends are here. My friends. They're downstairs. Friends. It's a backseat.

I think they're our new hires. I like cats. Yes, they are cat folk. Friends. It's a backseat. I think there are new hires. I like cats. Yes, they are cat folk. Great. New friends. There's two of them, yes? I suppose so. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. You go downstairs with Lady Ware? Yeah. In the same room. Get a bit dressed first. Oh, yeah, I put on my belt and hat. Straw hat. Belts, belts, belts, belts. In the same opulent looking room that you met Wakanga,

he's not here right now, but in that same room, you see two tabaxis sitting on a lover's chair, but sitting wrong. Like sitting back to back on a lover's chair. But sitting wrong, like sitting back to back on a lover's chair. They both look quite awkward as a servant is pouring them some wine. One of them is about five feet, five inches, very light and lithe, a hundred pounds. So it's very light and lithe.

She's wearing leather armor and has an eye patch covering one of her eyes the other one's taller five feet eight inches a bit heavier and just looks very lanky that one turns he's the he's the one who's like tracking you as you come down the stairs but it's the other one not really looking at you that starts talking brother i think they are here. And then her brother repeats that last word, I'm here. They both get up. Oh, God. Do you want to do the, I'm not awake yet. Hello.

You must be River Mist and Flask of Wine? Yes. The female says again, I am, as you have said, River Mist, and this is my brother, Flask of Wine. She bows, and Flask of Wine also bows, finishing up with the word wine. Can he not talk? Do you ask? No. No, do not ask.

Oh, my God. No, I'm not going to. I'm not that. Well, I am that rude. It's very lovely to meet you both. Did they stand up? Yeah, they both stand up and they both bowed to you. That's very kind of you.

Please take a seat. They both sit down awkwardly. What's a lover's chair? A lover's chair is. So, you know, that. Tell us what a lover's chair? A lover's chair is... So you know that classic... You tell us what a lover's chair is, Adam. Ooh! Yeah!

So you know that classic, you're going to see the psychiatrist and you're lying down on that leather bound... Like a chaise lounge? Chaise lounge? It's like a lounge. It's got like a slight tilt to the end. Yeah. And you sit down on it, your head sits on that.

It's, you know, the classic, you're in a... Yeah. It's kind of like that, but you're in a yeah it's kind of like that but you're in a more seated upright position and it's two set together facing each other i'll google it and i'll show you what it looks like please google and show us a lover's chair there's a lot of different examples here so there's which means none of the ones that he just described i'm just trying to actually there's a really great one, but it's not a great... It's not a big-sized picture.

I just want a decent-sized picture. Oh. Oh. Oh, it's like two chairs that connect at the arms, but alternating arms. The one that they're sitting at is more leather-bound, and it looks a bit less... There's, like, more to the backing of the chair, the style that they're sitting in. They are sitting back to back, one on one seat and the other on the other seat,

which is obviously not meant to... No, yeah, they're meant to... So you can sit face to face, basically. But they're not sitting... But they're not sitting face to face. They obviously do not understand how the chair is meant to work. What are the odds of these two speaking infernal? You could find out.

If you want... Oh, actually, no, wait. Some servants would bring up some different chairs for you. So there's four chairs in total that the servants have brought out. It's quite obvious that they brought out two sets of regular chairs, but the Tabaxi, before that could happen, have sat in these Moffra's chairs thinking that this is quite normal. Yeah, good, good, good good good good good um

let me just quickly tabaxi are nuts i love them i love them so are they nuts they are driven by their own personal obsession pop you notice but tiffany you do not as they both sit down they're quite obviously very uncomfortable and think this is incredibly strange but they seem to think that they are being incredibly elegant and polite they seem quite chuffed with themselves oh boy river mist starts talking again uh we got your message it is of good fortune that we were able to encounter the messenger on their way to us. We thoroughly enjoyed your letter. And Fosk of Wine repeats just the ending, enjoyed your letter.

Right, yeah, I'm glad, I suppose, that you enjoy the letter. What about the contents of the letter? Did you enjoy the fact that you are accepting work? Is that the part you like the most? Yes, any work that would get us away from where we are currently is good work. Good work. That little repeat at the end, I'm just going to... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what that little repeat at the end is. Well, that suits us just well because we plan on getting far from here. Correct. Very far. And we might even come back. What? What? What?

Nothing. Don't worry. It's just an expression. What? What do you want? Pop, once again, they seem to be just... They're a funny couple. When they were talking to you about getting the letter, you think, well, the letter should have taken a little bit longer for them to respond to.

And they talk about meeting the messenger on the way. Why would the messenger, ah, they robbed a post thing. And found the letter while robbing it. So, it's just a fortuitous thing. Yep. You think that might also be what they're trying to get away from right now? Right, right. Quick question.

Yes. Do you know what? I probably won't voice that, actually, because that might. I think we should start the journey as soon as possible, considering that our associates are here and ready to go, our friends. Now, quick question, Mr. Wine. Please call us River and Flask. Right.

Flask. River and Flask. Do you work well with others? We have been known to, on occasion, journey with others. to on occasion journey with others. We have no specific problems with that. Problems with that. Okay.

You'll be journeying with others on this task. Are you just both facing? You can only really face one of them. No, I'm on the other side facing flask of wine. All right. Cool, cool, cool. I've moved my chair around. It made a noise. We've got two other gods coming with us because we thought traveling in greater number would be wise on this perilous potentially dangerous journey that sounds like uh a good idea yes a

good idea uh one of them is a plant boy and the other one's a plant boy's friend. A druid. Yeah, a druid. These creatures, I am aware of this guide. They are known as Vegapygmies, I believe. Vegapygmies, I believe. Yeah. This repetitive thing is

really upsetting me. Really? Not me. Pop. Oh, okay. Okay, good. I'm like, Tom, this is comedy gold. I don't know if you can tell that, but it's starting to agitate Pop. He might punch one of them. The one that's repeating the phrases.

Okay, just sort of... I'll save it. We don't know if they speak infernal or not. I don't want to risk it. Why would... Oh, to speak to each other. Yeah, I want to feel like, what happens if we separate? Oh, my God. the other one just stops.

Doesn't talk, doesn't walk, doesn't move. Did we specify? Imagine if one of them was a puppet. Sorry, go on. What? Did we specify in the letter what we were planning on charging? Or what we were planning on paying? They publicly, in their notice or whatever,

were like that they were happy to share, have equal share or whatever instead of being paid. Yeah. And that is what you said in the letter, I believe. Cool. We did go with that? Yeah. Or did we go with paying them two gold a day? No.

I think you went with even shares. But I think it was like we keep the amulet and everything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Because I was considering was like we keep the amulet and everything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right, because I was considering just like robbing them both. Even shares of loot that you collect. Loot that you currently have is irrelevant. Yeah, I think we

specified that the amulet wasn't something that either of them could have. It was like, we're happy to share other stuff, but that amulet... Well, they're fine with that deal. Great. Also, as part of the arrangement, we're working with another pair of people um we have to kill any undead that we come across you're okay with that we have journeyed into the jungles for many different reasons specifically to thin the herd of undead is not one that i had ever tried before but we are not afraid of the dead not afraid of the dead I'm staring at flask of wine.

Can I say, is there something in his eyes? Like, was there anything? He definitely looks like a puppet. I'm kidding. If we were journeying with a plant boy, a druid, a cat, and a fake cat, that is very good. Heaven. Well, if everyone is happy The day is just beginning

I'd be happy to set out Now Sidebar Well you'll have to pick up You'll have to pick up Quasha and Kupalu Quasha and Kupalu Yeah

Oh we'll do that We'll pick them up on the way Yeah Sidebar My dear friends Associates River and Flask If you just

Hold there a moment, we're going to have a private conversation on the other side of the foyer. Very well then. Just prepare yourselves to be ready to go. We are already packed and good to go. They do look dusty from the road.

Great. Tief, we better just pack our stuff up and get ready, but just quickly. Yes. Over here. That seemed fucking weird to you. Oh, yeah, it did seem strange, I guess. Dopey boy doesn't fucking talk.

Oh, he says some words. I mean, we know which words he's going to say. I mean, predictability is a nice thing to have on a crew. I guess so. I do not trust them because- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You do realise that they got the letter before it was possible for it to arrive, which means they either robbed the mailman or the post office.

Did we end up getting the charter? This is a side. You haven't collected one yet? No. Okay. Well, if we're planning on not getting a charter, perhaps it's good to have criminals on our side. Yeah.'re not gonna we're not going what no no no i just something that i thought was very difficult is actually insanely fucking easy sorry have you passed me

the little map please i've got to mark something down for you no worries vaughn's location it's on there oh is it never mind sorry i i forgot that we have solved that problem so we're getting the amulet first and then we can get vaughn do you think we need to get a charter of exploration how much how much is it more than the minimal amount of gold that i have to spend oh it would be so so worthwhile to It would be- How much is the charge of exploration, Adam? You'd have to go see him. It depends on who you're hiring. He basically takes a share of their wages.

Right. So it'll be like a- We just obviously wouldn't tell them that we had river mist and flask of wine because- No. Yeah. Yeah. We just say we've got quasha and cook. It would just make anyone who you're travelling with a bit more expensive.

We're already so low on money. I only have 19. Unless we loot on the way, we're just not going to be able to afford to pay for everything. More than I reckon. We wing it. Oh, gosh. I'm a ranger. I like going outside.

Okay. Am I familiar with any of the land around here, Adam? Does my just from being here help me in any way, shape or form with any of the areas we're going to? I'm also not an expert, but would I have any local knowledge that could help? Charters and stuff. What's the first place you want to know about?

Basically, would I know, not a lot, would I know how to sort of get vaguely to where we're going in a safe way to umbala and to where vaughn is so the river is the safest way to get anywhere you want to take the river for as long as possible let me get my map up uh and by safest i mean fastest. So the safest way to get anywhere is just the quickest way. So Mbala is... Oh, past a place called Camp Vengeance. That sounds pleasant. Hey.

Only if you've never wronged anyone. Yeah, correct. Which we definitely haven't. You know of that place as there is a group of paladins, clerics, holy warriors, stuff like that in the area. And they're... Gross. They're just trying to kind of tame the jungle. There's a lot of evils out there.

And you're not 100% sure. Are they missionaries, Adam? Imagine missionaries armed to the teeth. So missionaries. Yeah. Mormons, what I'm just saying. No, who owns Salt Lake City? Mormons. Master Blaster.

No. Is it Mormons? Is it Mormons that own Salt Lake City? Mormons. Master Blaster. No. Is it Mormons? Is it Mormons that own Salt Lake City? Yeah, Utah. Salt Lake City. Yeah, so basically, yeah, they would be missionaries with a lot of weaponry. You know that the camps are their waypoints in the jungle. Cool.

And am I familiar enough with the rivers that if these guys were misleading us, I guess basically does my local knowledge make up for the fact that we're not going to have a charter in any way, even if it's in a small capacity? If you don't have a charter, you probably will be fine. Having a charter just gives you some extra resources. So you get to talk first off with Jobal about this. And Jobal, he knows the area well enough to know the right people to recommend.

Yeah. So if he's helping you out, he'll set you up with the- We've already hired the guys though. Yeah. And now a word from our sponsors also hey did you know there's an insane amount of old and unknown and weird and fucked cartoons that you do not know about i know our friend mia is one of the funniest people i know and she has a lot to teach you in her hilarious show cynical cartoons go to sanspantsradio.com and search cynical

cartoons to find your new purpose in life also his Cass I don't think we need this charter his outfit if we get caught with that one yeah they will if they find out about this they're probably going to give you a hard time but

they're not going to attack you in the jungle it might just be when you come back they'll give you a hard time or if they're feeling particularly daring or you've pissed be when you come back, they'll give you a hard time. Or if they're feeling particularly daring or you've pissed them off just the right way, they'll give you a hassle. But for them to come out into the jungle and track you down, that's a lot of effort on their part.

I reckon we're all right. You know what that is, Teef? That is four weeks times Tiffany and Pop's problem, not current Tiffany and Pop's problem. I see what you're saying. If we do well enough in this quest, and I mean, we already have to pull money out of somewhere that's not going to happen, so why look that far forward into the future when we may just die?

I like your optimistic outlook, horns. Thank you. All right, River Flask, we are preparing to go. We're going to meet our two other guides at Thundering Lizard. Quasha and Koopalooey. Is there anything else we need to do at this place before we head off? You might want to say goodbye to... I was about to call him Wakanda.

I was about to say he's Wakanga Forever. Can I walk up to him and just do the... The names are just too similar and I don't like it. Wakanga Forever! Yes, let's go politely say goodbye to our guest. I'll go off and say thank you very much for housing us. It was a pleasure, eh? It, uh, any friend of Lady...

Lady, uh, where is a friend of mine? He brings you in for a big bear hug. Oh, I give back! I'd stay for as long as I can. Oh, Dad. Alright, he lets go at that point. I don't say that. I feel it. He rolls to

telepathically no. Nah, he fails. It was a high roll. No one can know what I'm missing. Alright, Wakanga. It was a high roll. No one can know what I'm missing. All right, Wakanga. That's my whole farewell. Remember, if you can bring back the amulet day and the shield guardian. The metal man, you'll give us the scrolls.

I will reward you handsomely. Yeah, all right. Do you want to say goodbye to the lady? Of course, of course. Yeah, all right. Lady Watcher is also around. Yeah, alright. Do you want to say goodbye to the lady? Of course, of course. Yeah, alright. Lady Watcher is also around. She says goodbye. She hugs you but not a bear hug. Still really good. Just a regular hug.

Love that, yes. She kisses you on the cheek before she lets go, Tiffany, and says good luck to you. Thank you so much. Oh, God, no one's nice to me where I'm from. They all fear me. They're all scared

and these people hug me. Unky Dick Ware was nice to you? Yeah. And then he died. Yeah. Everyone I love dies. That's bleak. Why is anyone ever scared of you? Look at me. I am twice your size

I could eat you for breakfast You are not terrifying in the slightest Thank you I go in for the hug? It's one of those ones where my arms just stay at my sides Oh no But they kind of Almost go to move

It's like I don't know what to do when I'm hugged I stay there for a little bit And just believe if I hug you for long enough, I'll find your soul. You just hear a... That's my belly. No, River Mist is in the doorway. Are we going to get going? You just hear echoing down the corridor. Get going.

Yes, we are going to get going all right good day lady where with the two tabaxi you go find quasha and cooper louis quasha is probably does he use leather armor no he doesn't no of course he doesn't he's a druid he he's sitting... Yes, he kills cows. He's sitting on a rock with his stave in hand. His stave has, at the end of it, a curled knoll, and there's what looks like actual teeth growing out of it. He's just polishing the teeth. Cooper Louie is sitting next to him with his eyes closed, and you can, as you approach,

you can just hear and feel a deep hmmmm coming from him. Oh, that's nice. That is upsetting. Alright, Brussels Sprout, old mate, you ready to rock and roll? Quasha gets up. These are to be our companions, eh?

Yeah, you got a problem with that? No problem. Tabaxi can be untrustworthy sometimes, but I do not know these ones. We do not know you either. We do not know them. River Mist, Flask of Wine.

This is Quasha and Kupaluy. They all shake hands. Alright, it's early and I'm sure we've got a long way to go. We would like to head to Mbala first. All right, to get to Mbala, I would recommend that we take the river, the river Shushenstar. And River Mist and Flask of Wine, would you agree to that course of action? That's... Oh, sorry.

Yes, that was them speaking. I didn't do the repeat at the end, so I get why you were confused. Quasha, should we take that course of action as well that sounds like uh correct to me hey you want to stay as out of the forest as you can oh let's go then well we'll need boats first boats first are you fucking all right i have suggestion. We have a suggestion. There it is. It's gonna be confusing. Oh, gosh.

Yes. Oh, yes. To help distinguish them, because the accents are very similar for me to do, I'll speak without an accent for Quasha, and Cooper Louie does not talk except to do like... To do stuff like that yeah that's how they communicate they communicate with uh little hand gestures and rhythmic body um and teach you to flip people off that's gonna be my goal he knows how to flip people off good kwasha from this point onwards and from all points previously has never had an accent no and

any assertions to the contrary are absolute lies this is canon now this is retcon quasha says yeah no i would recommend the river as well that sounds probably accurate to be the fastest way to umbala i can swim so we don't need i don't I asked. Why are we going to Mbala? Because that is where we need to go. Do you need more information than that? All right, all right, all right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.

I'm a deeply private man. Just letting you guys know, this is Adam speaking. Now we're confused between Quasha and Adam. Oh, not letting you guys know, actually. Asking you a question. Did you tell them about Vaughn as well? So, have you told them about all your destinations? I would feel like we would tell them we need to go to two places.

Yeah. But we're going to go to Mbala first. And tell the Tabaxi that they do not get the amulet. That was in the letter, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Yeah. So, that's all they know is that we're getting an amulet. They don't know what it is.

Don't know what it's for. They know we're going to two places. So, we haven't actually told them what we're doing. They don't know what it is, don't know what it's for. They know we're going to two places. So we haven't actually told them what we're doing. They don't know about Vaughan. And then after we go to Umballa, we're going to, oh, do we want to tell them that? We should. They're our guides.

Why am I not trusting the people that we've hired to take us somewhere? Are you telling them about Vaughan and about your trip to Umballa? We've told them we're going to Umballa. Yeah, because they're guiding us there. And we're going to get an amulet. We haven't said what the amulet's for. We just said we wanted it. And then from Umballa, we've got to umbala yeah because they're guiding us there and we're going to get an amulet we haven't said what the amulet is for we just said we wanted it and then from umbala we've got to get to vaughn so i guess we have to tell them we're going to vaughn too okay if you suggest that then river mist says it would be perhaps more convenient to go to vaughn first vaughn seems

to be on the way to umbala we can't go to vaughn first though can we can we? Because we can't get the thing to move if we don't have the amulet. Yeah, he's not going to be at a... Oh, that's true. Yeah, well, you haven't told them why you're going to Mbala. You're going to Mbala to go onwards to Oralonga, because at Oralonga... Someone will tell us where to get the thing we're looking for, which will be the amulet, which will allow us to get the thing.

Fingers crossed. We... Oh, fuck. If we get to the... And Gala, she's like, you seek a metal golem and he's over here. I might choke her out. Fair call.

Sorry, what was the question that... Was it River just asked? Oh, it wasn't a question. Is it better to go to Vaughn? Yeah, she was saying it is better to go to Vaughn first. Go to Vaughn first. It appears to be on the way. On the way.

Well, we're picking up a gift, so we're not able to do that river mist looks like she's going to make an issue of this but then kwasha puts up a hand to silence her this is what they want this is what we're doing you said something about arranging uh arranging canoes she says to uh he says sorry to river mist yesmist. Yes, anyway, I suppose I, we know a person where we can get canoes off, get canoes off for a very cheap price. Cheap price. Can I take a stab in the dark and guess that this price is $0? Five paw discount.

Paw discount. It's finger discount. They have five paws. They're like Buddha cats. Oh, no. I might go with that. Well, it certainly fits in the budget. Get a good boy, Paul.

All right, then. How about, do you need assistance to source these canoes? Assistance would be appreciated. We would appreciate assistance. My favorite ones are when he doesn't exactly copy what she said. Yeah, same. Or when she's like, this is what I want, and he's like, we want this. Do you want to, there's no point of splitting up, is there?

We might as well just go get these canoes, eh? What alignment are you? I'm counting good, I think. I'm talking to Quasha. Oh, no. Fuck. He's going to be lawful or something. You don't know.

What alignment am I? Although he's a druid. Quasha's not bringing anything up. So, if you go there... Well, we'll see what we see. All right. So, are you going to go steal some boats? Yes.

Yeah. All right. So... You're a rogue. You love stealing. She is a thief. That I do. Let it be known that the thing I said before was sassy and not nervous.

Okay. It fits in the budget. It fits into the budget. It's great. So's great so you move down or up i should say you're in the southern part of port nayanzaru right now you move up north into the harbor ward and around there you see a a store oh there are many stores along the harbour, but you see one in particular, a run-down, dingy-looking one called General Fishing Wears and Uses. Out the front, below that sign, is another separate sign that looks incredibly dingy and dirty that says, Bait and Tackle Wanted. We've got bait. His name's Kuala Lupe.

Do you say that out loud yes koala lupe makes like a just kind of half signaling half beating his chest and kwasha kwasha says nothing because he doesn't want to start the that he doesn't want to continue this fight i'm not going to sell you as bait plants. Don't worry. And he won't give you away either. Cooper Louie says, if you must nickname him anything, call him Weed. I can get behind that, Weed. He says thanks. All right, let's steal some canoes.

Out the front is a elderly-looking elf. He has long- I hate elves. This looking elf. He has long- I hate elves. This is great. He has long wispy white hair that doesn't reach. You know, what is it? It's just a jump to the left and then skip to the right. Riffraff?

Yeah, Riffraff. You know Riffraff's hair? Yeah. He has like a Riffraff's hair sort of look going on. It's a good looking bloke. Yeah, yeah. sort of look going on. It's a good looking bloke.

Yeah, yeah. River Mist looks at you, I guess, Tiffany. She looks at you, Tiffany, and says, do you have a silver coin? Silver coin. Yes. What do you need it for? Consider it an operational expense.

Operational expense. I hand it over. River Mist wanders over to near the water where there's, there's not a lot of sand here. It's more of a port than a beach, but there is some sand. She moves over to a part in the sand where several children are playing. She stoops down low near them and they all crowd around her. She's just talking with them for a little bit and then she hands them the silver coin they keep playing for a little bit but you notice that they've started playing a something some sort of ball game one of them a uh a small dwarven child gives the ball a massive kick it arcs through the air and smashes one of the front windows of that store the elderly elf gets up and

starts crying out running towards the kids they scatter flask of wine looks at you with excitement in her face and eyes and says let's grab some boats i like your approach i booted yeah this sounds good let's go all right you, I would say you'd need three. Two to a canoe. So you grab three in total and you make off as fast as you can with them. Oh, boy. Highs or lows? Highs.

You're in and out quickly enough that the elderly elf does not notice you at all. So you turn one street corner and you're basically good. Fuck, are we on the water? You're pretty close to the water. Basically, the plan is to now... Jump in. Yeah, pretty much jump in and set off. Let's go.

You'll need to exit. So the harbour ward, the port, it's a closed port. You'll need to sail around and up around north. So it's a bit of a long way to get out of Port Nyanzaru, but it's probably faster to use the boat to be honest than to just walk especially because you'll be carrying the boats which are heavy flask of wine says the best thing about these boats is if we lose them it is no great loss no great loss no we don't want to lose the boats because then we're in the water

correct both of you get 100 experience points. Ooh. Ooh. So it'll take you about a day until you're properly on the river, a Shoshin star. Until that time, everything seems quite nice. You can see deeper into the jungles. You can see over the forests of Chult, storm clouds occasionally rolling through

and such like that, but nothing's happening here on the coast. You maybe are a little concerned about that because the storms happen frequently and they look like they hit hard, but right now you're enjoying nothing but sunlight. I'm gonna

tip my hat over my eyes and make Tiffany do most of the rowing. Okay. Alright! Tiffany, that is very tiring. I'm sorry, I was just going to say that it's not rowing. What? Sorry, um,

could you give me a total? Yes. Well, would tortle. Yes. Well, would it be my arms? I'm getting so sleepy. They're used to the fine work of leather, which is, you know, what I'm probably the most skilled at.

But if you stuck your body in the water and just kicked, wouldn't that help? Yeah, I'd get my belt sweat, though. Oh. Fine, fine. Adam, would we be quicker if I jumped into the water and pushed to the canoe? What is your swim speed? I figure being a tortle, I should be okay at swimming.

You'd be shocked. If you're a tortle, maybe not. Tort, not good. You're're right that's it taught not good yeah taught his land turt i don't know if you have a swim speed actually i must be thinking of turtles from 3.5 uh let me just double check but yeah maybe you don't have a swim speed i caught a big fish now i search for a good friend to share my lunch with. A total haiku. Oh my God.

I would never share my fish. Oh, that is not you. But... Yeah, you don't have a swim speed. So you're faster with the oar. Would you like me to assist you with just the oar so my belts don't get wet and you don't get tired? Oh yes, please, that would be very nice, thank you. You're welcome. How are you guys going? Call out to River

Flask, Quasher and Koopaloody. The tabaxi are doing fine. Are they rowing in sync and it's terrifying? It's perfectly in sync. No, it's not like an oars on a boat. You're in little canoes? Yeah, they got one each.

It's like a single oar. One side. You're in little canoes. Yeah, they got one each. No, it's like this. No, it's like a single oar. One side, other side. One side, other side. Not like a rowboat. It's not a rowboat. Yeah. It's much smaller.

You guys too- It's a Pocahontas boat. You're kind of like kneeling, kneeling down, sitting on your feet. Do you know- Do I barely fucking fit in this thing? No, they're wide enough to- Oh, that's good. These things are meant to accommodate orcs.

Oh, good, good, good. So, like, you're fine. It's just you would, yeah, you're, like, sitting on your knees or cross-legged in these things. So it's kind of uncomfortable to do it all day long, but you do take breaks. The tabaxi do fine. They're pretty good. Yeah, they do fine. The druid and the, look, thank god the veggie pygmy is there

oh wow cooper louis is pretty good at this actually cooper louis is just like cooper louis does not use oars he just he stretches out his hands and then they flatten out like he's got some controllable elasticity like fucking... He's a Groot. Yeah, a little like Groot. And he's just using his hands as paddles. Nice. All right. So you're now making your way down the river.

On either side of you is dense jungle. It's like jungle immediately hits river. There's nowhere to properly land because the trees start coming into the water. You have to kind of pull up alongside the beach on either side. Not that you've had to do this yet. But to do that, you would need to navigate some trees before you actually hit land. And then you'd be able to get out and drag your boats up. Although the Tabaxi assure you that if you get out of your boats at any point, the water here is shallow enough to stand in. You don't know if you believe them, but they're quite confident in that.

We'll ask them to go first. Hey, I agree. We have to, you know, we're speaking in front of them. We're speaking in front of them. So you're asking them to go first? Are we getting out now? Is that what you're saying? That seems to be your comment.

The conversation I just heard was that you're making them go first. Oh, no, when we do get out, we're going to make them get out first. Yeah, when it comes to getting on shore, they've told heard was that you're making them go first oh no when we do get out we're gonna make them get out yeah when it comes to getting on shore they've told us this we're like them first well they act strange because you were talking just now in common but in a strange accent no we're in infer we're talking in inferno so anyway what's your mark or your rowing order as it were i guess having the first noodle i think it's the tabaxi yeah they know what thei. Yeah, they know the way as what. They know the way

down this one river. I reckon we're at the back. Yeah, we are because Cooper Louie is faster than us I would imagine. All right, tabaxi first? Yep.

Tabaxi winning combo. What did you just call them? The winning combo. The winning combo. They complete each other. They do. You see a bit of commotion up ahead.

The two tabaxi, your boats are not that close to each other. There's a good little while between each of you, just first off for safety's sake, but also sometimes you'll lag behind, catch up. If you've ever been on... I know, with Tiffany so tired from doing most of the rowing on her own before. If you've ever been hiking, especially for extended periods of time or canoeing for extended periods of time it just kind of naturally happens there's like some distance tends to form between you you spot

some commotion up ahead there's some splashing water you crane your eyes to try and see what's happening you can see that one of the tabaxi flask of wine has ducked low into the canoe almost so low as that you might you might not see him in the canoe and river mist has just hopped out of the canoe and is on one side in the in the water yeah she's in the water she's standing low on the other side you spot as well that Quasha and Koopa Louie have both rammed their oars into the water and are starting to trying desperately to backpedal. This doesn't look good, horns. This looks very bad. Can we see anything?

A couple more seconds pass and you see at the side of the shore looking out, it may be like some or like a you come around a bush a little bit and you can see the large standing form of a velociraptor on the side of the water it has its head turned to one side and you can see with its eye it's just slowly tracking each of the boats i did not miss this place let me fucking tell you that. So admit it. Admit what? We should get low. What are you doing?

I'm in my shell. You withdraw into your shell? Yeah. All right. I flatten myself against the bottom of the canoe, but still try and look up. I carry my head to one side, so I'm looking at the Velociraptor. I feel very abandoned lows.

Lows? Yes. Because we're trying to get low, get low. Yeah. We're going to do what little Wayne told us to do. Little John. Fuck. Little John on the east side, boys.

It's one of the littles. You know, they're all very famous. They're all little and young now. Little John, little Wayne, little Bow Wow. That's right. Who's now just Bow Wow because he's a... Fuck Adam! Are we about to get attacked? No.

Why do you say that? Because you just took out lots of dice. It sounds like an attack. Why do my players think I'm trying to hide combat from them? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SantsPantsPlus.com. Hey there, fellow adventurer.

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