D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #8 Crocodile and Man

Episode Date: September 7, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio, now available in strawberry, blueberry, and chalk mint. Welcome to Season 1, Episode 8 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chult. What happened before? I'm glad you're feeling better, and I hold his hand for a bit. He does not want to hold your hand anymore. He seems a bit distant when he says, I wish only to do this this then i want to return to port nyanza he mentions in passing a place called mesro which tiffany just means nothing to you uh all right hey adam if i'd have heard that would have meant something to me possibly it would have

meant something very possibly important to you chewinga is a tiny elemental spirit that lives in plants, rocks and rivers far from civilization. Painfully shy, Chewingas prefer to move about unseen. Chewingas shun most other creatures, but they find the trappings of civilization fascinating. The hammer. They puzzle over creatures that wear armor, carry

weapons, use tools and cook food. In your sleep, Tiffany, you hear just the words of rustling breeze and the words interrupting whatever dream you were having. Be brave. I feel it just bears mentioning, just on the off chance, I suppose. If I wanted someone to state the obvious, I would have stated the fucking obvious. At Camp Righteous, you begin to fan out.

All right, Fask, you can go and roam through, find anything good, you get to keep it, unless it is especially important looking, in which case, show us your face. Faske is, like, already kind of climbing out of the canoe. What? Yes, of course. Especially important, all right? Yes, yes, of course. Especially important.

Why would they not? If it hums, if it glows, if you pick it up and a heavenly choir sings, if all of a sudden you're compelled to take your clothes off when you touch it, that kind of thing. How much do we know about tabaxi? Have we picked up if Flask of Wine has a particular affiliation for anything specific? Well, your idea of tabaxi and tabaxi are not necessarily the same thing.

Cassandra, Cass, Cass, money, dollar, bills. You know enough about tabaxi that you do know that they tend to get obsessed with things, but their obsessions do not last very long. They'll become obsessed with it, drop it, and forget about it as if it had never existed. Oh, okay. I see what you mean. Like a cat. Yes. Yes. Also, they're like sunbeams.

That's not in the lore anyway. Do they sleep curled up? They can. Adam, why didn't you tell me this earlier? Their bed rolls were circular. Oh! Flask of wines looks like a burger. Oh my gosh.

Okay, the idea... Have you seen those bags where it's a circle, but the entire rim has a drawstring in it? So what you do is you put all your stuff inside, pull the drawstring it's like a little sack but when you undo it it's a perfect circle so it's like it's meant to be really really good for carrying makeup or whatever like you need access to things like that maybe a knapsack and that's how i can sleep in and it keeps all this stuff in it and there's this bag of carrying so. So when he goes to bed, he just goes to bed surrounded by stuff. I used to think that, like, in terms of thinking

what character I would be in D&D, my character has always been, it's never been human. It's like if I'm making myself, I've always made myself a halfling. Maybe I'm a tabaxi. Maybe you are. So if I wake up after 10, the window above my bed is perfect for sunbeams. So if I get up late, I spend half an hour chasing a sunbeam across my bed. You are a cat.

Has anyone taken a laser pointer and just, like, moved it across the floor in your presence? No, but I did have to get rid of multiple laser pointers that I just kept because I thought they were cool. I'm like, this doesn't serve you. Give it away. It didn't bring you joy? It didn't bring me joy.

No, actually, the truth is they were busted. Oh, they did bring you joy once. They did bring me joy. It didn't work, so I'm going to call my local council and find out where I can go to an electronics deposit. If you need to get rid of your electronical items, check with your council to see if you can dispose of them thoughtfully. Or toss them in the bin. Please don't.

That's factual. Toss them in the bin. Please don't. Toss them in the bin. There are so many good and useful parts in... Send your photos of you tossing your electronical items in the bin to cast. Put them in recycling. Don't put them in recycling. Go specifically to an electronics store. Or in

the green waste. No! Dig a hole in your background. Dump them in your backyard. Take a photo, send it to Cass. Phone charges in the fruit patch. Batteries in the trees. Leaking acid, good for the trees. Wrap all your OED screens inL-E-D screens in.

Lettuce, put them in your sandwiches. Eat them up. You won't die. It'll be fine, I think. So. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Semper's going to, Simple? Semper. Semper what? What's his name? Simple? Semper Semper what? What's his name? Simple? Oh uh Artimate Cass is gone Cass

Was it that good? Was it that Was it really? My mouth was full of tea I nearly spat it out Just the idea of having a power move Of getting someone's name wrong is simple Oi simple

Get over here Do you know what? Adam I don't want to know his name. Artis Simber. Yeah, cool. Mr. Simple. All right, Simple, you can hang here, keep an eye on the canoes, maybe start transferring our stuff into the lovely big rowboats.

I understand that this must be very funny for you, but that actually could become confusing in a fight. What? Not addressing me by my correct name. All right. Look, it's fine. Whatever. Did you know who I was talking to?

I did. This time. Okay. How about I do you a deal? I will always call you Simple. All right, then. That's fine. She's Horns.

You're Simple. He's Dragonbait. I'm mouthing the word sorry and shaking my head. Look, it's fine. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I made an issue of it. Can't wait for this guy to betray us. And gun after me.

Harsh. What if he just never does? Oh, man. Pop's such a bad boy. So what's the plan? Where's everyone going? I think we should check the tents. I'll accompany you.

We'll go to the tents. Sample. Oh, no. No. Simper. If it makes things easier, you can call me Simple. I've already walked off. He's not talking to you.

Good. Just so we have a level of consistency i suppose no i i'd rather call you by your real name artist simba thank you simba if you'd happily stay and watch and help move everything over i mean of course you know pick the best rowboat for yourself but we'll we'll go just just let us know if anything you've already pulled the boats up you're you're on the shore by this point. Cool, yeah. So where are you fanning out to?

I think we should head towards... So the idea is Arta, Simba, and Dragon Bait. Sorry, we'll stay with the boats. Yeah, and they're going to repack all the boats, and we're going to go to the camps first, and then into the temple. One of them will keep an eye out, and one of them will pack the boats.

And where's Flask of Wine going? With you? Yeah. Flask of Wine is gone. Flask of Wine got out of the boat, but he's waiting for you guys he's not an idiot this place is dangerous i think we head to the north where the animal pen was and those tents are yeah check out what kind of animal this is uh all the tents here are ruined one way or another most are slashed by claws or weapons also i'm just drawing my weapons because because I'm not an idiot, Adam.

Oh, yeah, we got our webs out. All the canvas here is at a point of disintegration from mildew and jungle rot. Ugh, yucky. Yucky, gross. Can we see what's in the pen? Yeah. You're going to show us. Axe beak.

Oh, my God. Show us. Axe beak. Oh, my God. So an axe beak looks like someone has taken a photo of someone pretending to be a bird with their arm. Yep. And then given it a bird treatment. Looks like a super aggressive dodo. Yep.

Axe beak is the shape of an axe. Yeah. Which one does it look like? If it wasn't obvious Probably the smallest one You can Both of you can tell it's a baby It's a baby actually

So it's that It's that little like Toucan looking one We'll say this one at the end here The little baby boy of this Oh Do you mean this one? Yeah yeah

Yep sure it looks like that But it's a baby version of the Oh my god It looks like a fat cassowary It does Oh man If anyone's ever seen It looks like that, but it's a baby version of the elephant. Oh, my God. It looks like a fat cassowary. It does. Oh, man. Oh, if anyone's overseas and haven't seen a cassowary before,

please look them up. But on the Wikipedia, so you know how dangerous they are. They're our birds that we have. They're basically velociraptors, but bigger. Yeah. They can kill you with their head or their beak or their toes. And they're aggressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And territorial as far.

Yeah, it's bad. But they look pretty. Oh, they look.... And territorial as far. Yeah, it's bad. But they look pretty. Oh, they look... It's like the kind of beautiful you're like, ooh, scary. But like, yeah, beautiful. Yeah. So you can quite obviously tell it's a baby

and it appears to be stuck in the cage. It's somehow gotten itself in and it's too young to fly itself out. Ah! Ooh. Ah! Ah! Let's go and free it.

All right. All right. You let it out? it. Alright, if you must. You let it out? Yep. It starts scuttling away into the jungle unless you do anything. This is a trick, Adam. No. We let it go? I'm happy to let it scutter off. Can you eat axe beaks? If it looks like it got

itself stuck, I just set it free. If it looks domesticated, maybe... Oh, no, it'll make noise. No, set it free. We don domesticated maybe oh no we'll make noise now set it free we don't want that we don't want that uh you can see just a little bit northeast of you where you're at the the animal pen oh any other animals in this pen are long gone or dead there appear to be two sets of latrines toilet yeah toilets okay yeah no i toilets. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm like. I saw us both make a face like, we know what this is. Yeah, yeah. But what kind of toilet?

Standard? Yeah, like an outhouse, like a dunny. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, okay, cool, cool, cool. Thank you for translating. Flush in toilets. Yeah, full flush, beautiful. Yeah, like a dunny.

I reckon we go back and look in the tents because there's not much to be found in a fucking latrine, right? Of course, yes. No, let's look in the tents because there's not much to be found in a fucking latrine, right? Of course, yes. No, let's look in the tents. Nothing other than the obvious. Do you mean shit, Flask? Yes. I like you, Flask.

Thank you. I like me too. Good. Well, if you want to go back through the tents that you just walked past, you search them, tear them apart. Not really tear them apart. You're not being vicious about it. You find nothing of interest. It doesn't seem like there's anything worth finding here.

There's more tents to the south, if you want. Can we check? There's two big circle tents in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Can we check them as well on the way across? Sure. As we walk past, I want to yell at Dragonbait and Arthas.

Toilets and a bird up there. Okey-dokey. You poke through one. You poke through the other. Oh, close. You find nothing. How close are we to finding anything, Adam? One off.

Oh, man. Where's the good boy cards? Maybe I have something in there. I think I'll save my good fortune, as it were, for inside the big crocodile. Fair. Yeah. There's a dilapidated but standing building. Well, partially standing building to the southeast of you when you're searching.

Are these two big ring tents they're obviously command tents they look like nothing in either of them no you poke through them but uh you can see that they have been cleaned out someone came along and cleaned this place out do you wonder if they're wearing fucking masks potentially uh yeah, like I said, just to the southeast of the command tents is the south-southeast, as some people might say on a compass. There is a brick building. It's partially burnt out, though. If someone's already raided this area, it might be best to just go straight for the temple. I mean.

If someone's doing all the easy pickings, there's no way there's anything else in anything. We've definitely seen those masked people before. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't check that property over there. Well, I'll come with you then. No, it's alright. Leave those guys checking. Are they still sorting the boats? Are they done?

They're done, pretty much, at this point. Alright, you're with us. Come on. Both of us? Yeah, come with us and one of you guys keep a lookout out the front of this farmhouse we're going to. Alright point. All right, you're with us. Come on. Both of us? Yeah, come with us, and one of you guys keep a lookout out the front of this farmhouse we're going to. All right, then. They travel with you. Cool, cool. I figured we should probably have numbers.

I think it's better if our lookouts are closer to where we are. Yeah, that's probably fair. I've always been my own lookout. I don't need them. You're always so good at first watch. I'm very good at first watch. That's my special skill. You head over to the building here.

As you get closer, you can tell that it used to be a shrine. A fire at some point caught the building and burned through it, destroying half of it. The shrine looks like it might just be a burnt out ruin. Do you want to search through it, though? You can start picking it apart. Yeah, let's have a look. Overturn a couple of stones.

Are you doing anything that I can understand with the time we've been together that you are actually a bit excited? Because I know you are so excited to find things that go back to the museum. I know you're so excited. It's like life's a big jigsaw puzzle where you find the pieces and put them back in the museum. I know you're so excited. It's like life's a big jigsaw puzzle where you find the pieces and put them back in the box. That is exactly what Pop's whole life is. Yeah. He's seeing a jigsaw under his nose.

I guess, yeah, I don't know. Do you perceive that I'm excited? I feel like the way you're talking about it is changing a bit. I get a bad boy card. You actually can't. I like how you wanted to role play that and Adam was just not going to let you. Yeah, no, that's fair. I deserve that.

It would have been a bit of leeway if you hadn't rolled a one. That's too bad. Succeed on a skill check just so Cass can save if you're excited. Or should I save it for something good? This is good. I want to get to know you more. Adam, I'd like Cass to succeed on the skill check. Well, I don't get this card then. Cass, yeah, you

can tell. Okay, I look at you and smile like, you know when a mum sees that their kid is making friends and the mum's far away and the mum understands that this isn't part of their life anymore, but they get so proud because they did make you. That is a complex smile. You know that one, though?

Yeah, no, yeah. You can tell they're trying not to smile, but they're so happy to be smiling. Their mouth doesn't open. It's like... Yes. Let's go. All right, then. Picking through the shrine, you find a single thing still intact.

A silver holy symbol of Torm still hangs by a leather thong from a peg on the shrine wall. Who finds it? Pop finds it. All right. Do I... Did you say it's on a leather chain? On a leather thong. Okay.

Is the thong in good repair? Yeah, it's fine. It looks largely untouched, to be honest. Can I use my supreme knowledge of leather and leatherworking to give some facts? However useless they may be, I just want to be part of this. In a manner that only a mum who would not allow her child to not be the child of a soccer mom could do yeah yeah sort that one fucking riddle me this bad man that is a long bow uh you you point out a couple facts about the leather you're like they would have had to have um

tanned that leather pretty well can i get it to survive the heat more excited about it though sure is that the fact can i say that sure oh well that leather's in really good nick i mean that would have had to be expertly tanned i mean it's been in the heat and everything this is a good find do you know something about leather do you yes if you. If you ever need anything, I mean, as I was saying before, because I was sort of, you know, a bit like my society didn't really have a lot of tieflings in it, so I sort of had to build myself, pull myself up on the bootstraps. My dad sent me to the best leatherworking school that you could go to.

No, you've told me that before. Yeah, I would have preferred to be with him, but it was nice that he sent me there so I knew that I had to be the best that I could be because otherwise no one would like me and otherwise it wouldn't have been worth dad's time and my time really and i mean if i'm going to be away from him for that long it's worth coming back with a skill so if there's anything yes you do this thing where you tell me about the needlessly complex details of your sticky and unfortunate life and i do not require them

but thank you for the tip about the leather. Both of you get a good boy card. Fuck yes. That was great. That nearly hurt my feelings. I feel so bad every time, Cass. You don't understand. You have such an expressive and lovely face

and I have to look in it and be mean to you and I see you die. And he turns. It's good to know we're both sad. But then we got goodbye card, which means Adam's happy. See? It's finite. On this side, you find further latrines as well,

just past the shrine. What is it? You said it was an amulet of Thorm? Torm. Torm. What is Torm? Known as the True and the Loyal Fury, Torm is the god whose portfolio consists of duty, loyalty, righteousness, and law.

His symbol is a right-hand gauntlet held upright with the palm forward. A lawful good deity, he's often considered a lawful good god of war, basically. He rides a gold dragon into battle. Sick. Jesus. Compensating for something much. He's got a big fist, but it's not even. Doesn't have a dragon.

Yeah. Got to compensate with a big dragon. He has many orders dedicated to him. All of paladins and Templars who strive to- Lawful good people. Yeah, yeah. My least favourite kind of people. Looking at the amulet thing, am I able to discern anything about its nature?

Does it possess- is it just pretty or does it possess any value to, say, an educational institution vis-à-vis a museum? It's a silver, an older silver one. It is probably, it would predate an event known as, this particular holy symbol, would predate an event called the Spell Plague, which means that it's quite old. Spell Plague being a very cataclysmic event that wracked the world several, like, hundred years ago. It sounds bad. It sounds terrible.

It sounds like it spells the end. Oh! What is this spell plague that is plaguing us? Oh! Can I discern if it does anything or is it just pretty? Is it purely aesthetic, Adam? It's purely aesthetic. Great, great, great.

It'd be like a small minor item that you'd keep in a glass cage in a museum. But not a particularly important find. You'd keep it with other things. Yeah, but it's not like... No, it's not in itself. Wouldn't make your name if you brought it back to your museum. It wouldn't. Just say if you brought it back to your museum. It wouldn't. Just say you had contacts in a museum.

Let's just say your job was to go to tombs and find things for museums and you brought this thing back. Would they make you Employee of the Month instead of that fuckhead Stephen? This is not going to get you the one up on Stephen, unfortunately. Instead you pick it up and you're just like, that's nothing to base an exhibition around. I can't come home with this. Might be something like that in the old shrine over there.

Adam, I would like to separate the amulet from the leather thong. Give Tiffany the leather thong and throw Flask of Wine the silver. Flask of Wine catches it. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm very confused because you've just shat on my leather working skills and yet you've acknowledged and honoured them. I'm a complex individual. I've taken this as you must love me and one day I'll get through. If he loves you now, then you don't need to get through. Oh, I do.

I saw your eye twitch. Sorry, go on. You just broke Cass's brain. No, that's how you know someone loves you. They show that they have the potential to And then you have to earn it Oh boy But that's not what you said

Yeah Yes, correct I see how that's confusing Alright, so do you want to go into this temple? Yes, I think it's a good idea We might find some other things Simple Oh, sorry.

Oh, I see. Sorry. Adam got confused. That's okay, Adam. Yes? Since you do not want to participate in the discovery of the temple. Grave robbing. I don't think we're robbing any graves.

I haven't taken anything. All right, then. Do you understand that a significant discovery should be shared with the entire world? Agreed. So if we made a significant discovery inside this tomb, you could get behind that idea, couldn't you? I feel like it would be based on the context pretty heavily, but I could. I'm all about context. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

That's the best. Those are the best lines. No idea where I'm going with this. Those are the best lines. So, while you're not 100% okay with grave robbing, I am not a grave robber. I'm an archaeologist. I'm sure that's correct. My entire life is dedicated to the preservation of sanctified artifacts and providing information about them to the wider world.

Understood. So I wouldn't be doing anything inside a tomb that would completely disrupt or dishonour the memory of the crocodile god. Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Oh, I don't need any more convincing. Well, I'm not going to stop you. Basically, I want to know, are you going to come and give us a hand in this shrine,

or are you going to stand out front like a lookout? If you call out that you need assistance, I will endeavour to come to your aid. But you won't go in with us i i'll go in with you if you want but um i just want my protests known now this is really hard because pop can't ask for help well perhaps it would be good if you were to stay lookout and to let us know if you needed help and and then we could let us know if we needed help. You know, it might help us, you know, get a bit more prepared just in case anyone comes after us.

Would you like, all right, would you like me to wait out here with dragon bait or do you want to take dragon bait with you? What's a dragon bait want to do? You all look at dragon bait. Dragon bait just stands there. You see that he actually hasn't been paying attention to this conversation you follow his eyeline and he was looking at two birds in a tree ah damn it i thought he was gonna look at a mask so i was gonna get real scared

does he want to come he shakes his head and looks back at you uh you all smell was it lemon that was confusion uh no brimstone is confusion. You smell brimstone. Artist explains the situation for him again. And Dragonbait points at Artist. Right, you'll stay with him. Dragonbait not. All right, Flask, what do you want to do? I don't even need to ask.

Flask of Wine is also not listening. But you see that he's staring at the entrance to the shrine? Flask of Wine is also not listening, but you see that he's staring at the entrance to the shrine? Perhaps there would be gold or something like that in there. Perhaps even cream. What kind of... Oh, my God. All right, here's the deal.

We need a code word so that should we need your assistance, you'll be able to give it to us. All right, then. Anything in particular? Perhaps blueberry. All right, then. Anything in particular? Perhaps blueberry. All right. Yeah, that works. All right.

If I hear help. I don't understand why we couldn't just ask. Yeah, well. Because that's not what you do on archaeological expeditions. You have code words and secrets and no friends. Okay, sorry. As the only one who has ever been on an archaeological dig, your authority carries much weight here, and everyone just kind of believes you.

That's all of Pop's archaeological digs. They're usually by himself. Ah. All right, well, we head into the tomb. As you approach, Pop, you recall that maybe you recall but don't say the story behind this shrine. In the early days of the world, man stood by the banks of a river frightened. Crocodile raised his head from the water and asked,

what troubles you, cousin man? Man said, I must cross the river, but I fear to enter the water alone because it teems with your brethren. Adam, is this the story I think it is? Crocodile replied, it's true, you would not be safe, but I will carry you across the river safely on my back, if you promise to return the favor. It's the frog and the scorpion. Man agreed, it's better,

and crocodile bore him safely across the water. When they reached the far bank, man asked, how may I repay you? Crocodile replied, I wish to see the realm of humans, but I fear to go there alone, because it teems with your brethren. You must carry me on your back across your realm. Man had been tricked, but a promise is a promise. So he carried crocodile safely on his back across the entire realm of humans,

a journey that lasted many years. He also swore in his anger that never again would men and crocodiles be friends, and so it has remained to this day. And that is the tale behind this shrine. I will relay that story because I made a promise. Have I ever heard it before? No, no. He knows it.

Pop knows it because he's a Chaltean. I'm an archaeologist, Adam. Fun fact, just for Cass Cass, Dollar Dollar Bills, and Handsome Tom. Hidden within that little story are tips to get you through the shrine. So- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Were they very hidden? No, we needed to climb on a crocodile to get...

Anyway. The ceiling of the entrance is 23 feet high, which is quite tall. That's several people on top of each other's shoulders. And draped with cobwebs. The stone-tiled floor is covered with a thick layer of mud, creepers, and blown-in leaves. Who wants to go first?

I think you do. Do you know what? I do. Yeah, yeah. You look excited. I know this now. This is the thing that I do. I get a bad boy card.

Fuck. It's not the thing that I do, Cass. It's the thing you did. Goodbye. Hey, Adam, why? Don't ask. Okay. He has just failed a roll. A skill check, if you will. Goodbye. Hey, Adam, why? Don't ask. Okay. He has just failed a roll.

A skill check, if you will. Oh. Damn it. So we think everything's sick. I had to succeed on a skill. Oh, you know what's frustrating? Advantage on a skill check. Okay.

Do you use that for yourself? No. Who do you use it for? Wait, we all failed? Yeah. Pop goes first. I use it for Pop. Pop still fails.

Oh, no. Adam, I'd like to re-roll a skill or attack roll for myself you still fail you actually rolled the same which is upsetting i suppose for you i don't give a shit it's fine for me do you know what we now only have for sure the circumstance do. You have all three of them. Yep. That's funny. All right. We keep going in because we haven't noticed anything. Yep.

Weapon at the ready. All right. So who's first, sorry? I'm leading the way. Odds or evens? Odds. And then? Evens. Diphony, as you step into the initial hallway,

you feel something give underneath you that isn't just creeper and mud. You hear a click, a whir, and then the entire first room opens up, and you are deposited 20 feet below. Just Tiffany? This room is about 10 feet by 10 feet. So how far apart are each of you? We're probably not 10 feet, are we?

No, we'd only be a couple of feet between each other. Well, both of you are going to take a tumble, potentially. Bless you. And flask as well. Oh, flask. I imagine we'd scream as we fall. And that is not reason enough because we've established a safe word for anyone to come help us. Well, you're actually visible.

Like, you could just turn around and see them. Oh. Oh, my God. We haven't even made it that far. Yeah. All right. So, you two both leap backwards and forwards, respectively. No, that's not how that works.

Yeah, yeah. I would go forwards. Cass would go backwards. Flask of wine, however, takes a tumble. A d6 for every 10 feet. 2d6 damage. He's already really hurt. 3 points of damage.

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Go to sanspantsradio.com, search Shut Up A Second, and let us lead you from the world of linear thought into a deep pit of chaos. We'll see you there. Oi, Floss, you all right? I am fine, but I think I have bruised my ankle. That's all right.

It's not broken. What can you see? It is a pit trap. There is a lot of muck and mud. Floss could whine with a climb speed because he is a tabaxi. He just climbs out. Oh, right. It's not pit trap. There is a lot of muck and mud. Flask of wine with a climb speed because he is a tabaxi just climbs out. Oh, right. It's not an issue. Hello.

Is he on my side of the pit? He can be on either side. Do you want him to be on a specific side? You can just call out for him to come up to you. Oh, because I'm... So, basically, we've walked in. Is there basically a gap between a pit now between me and the door? Because I jumped forward.

You're at the door with Artis Dragonbait. Yeah. Is there any skirting board or something I can try and skirt across? Nope. You've got to make the jump or climb up, down, and then up. Adam. Yeah. Rope trick.

Yeah. Dangles a rope into a portal. You can do that. Can we use it to swing? You can. I would like to cast Rope Trick so people can Tarzan across the gap. I'll give it a crack. I like to imagine I've been such an arsehole to Arceus.

Get a good boy card. You got a 20. Oh, yeah. You just leap across. Easy. No hassle. You actually don't even need the rope. You do a running jump.

You're like, actually, I don't need the rope. You bump the rope on your way across, but then you land on the other side safely. If I'd have known you could do that, I wouldn't have used the rope. It's a level two spell. I didn't get to it in my day. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. That rope lasts for an hour, that little portal.

Anyway. All right. Everyone all right? Yeah. I'm okay. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. We're going to continue.

Yes. Oi, Simple, we're fine. We're going to continue. Simple calls back to you. That's good to hear. Let me know if you encounter any issues. Simba? Issues.

Yes? If you have a chance, are you able to find a bit of wood or one of the old canoes to put it across so we just have something to walk across on the way out in case we need to flee? All right, then. I'll look into it. Thank you. All right, then. I'll look into it.

Thank you. We don't want to be running across and then relying on how well we can jump to escape something. Rope trick. Do I just get the rope back using the same magic? Does it just, like, come back to me? Is that- It doesn't move. You'd have to collect the rope on your way out. You could do it, no.

Not too much problem. you'd have to collect the rope on your way out. You could do it, no. Not too much problem. You have a flask of wine. You could just climb along the walls and the roof and the floor and whatever. Man, he's really good. I'm all right.

Thank you. All right. Odds or evens? Whoever's going first. Oh, me still. Odds. You're in the next room. It's another 10 foot by 10 foot.

Actually, this is more... Not really rooms. I'm dividing it into rooms just for simplicity's sake. But this is kind of more just one really long hallway. You feel something that is not muck and moss beneath your feet give way. You hear a click. And then... An axe slashes out of the wall at you.

You didn't make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, my dexterity is bad. Correct. Turtle. The blade hits you. You take damage. Fuck. I feel so alive.

You take 20 points of damage Fucking hell Still feel alive Are you okay? I fucking love traps I mean, yes, I'm fine Maybe we should Oh, Jesus

You would need to search for these you you so there are four axes in total that came out and slashed at you and i got hit by the closest one to me you got hit by all of them fuck you'll need to if you want you can try and deactivate this but it looks like it's going to take a little bit of time but it might be safer in the long run because you'll have to come back through this way and everyone's going to trip this going through potentially all right four axes let's go who's uh let's try and deactivate this son of a bitch does anyone have pitons in their equipment no i have 10 10 all right so odds are evens odds okay you need to make a dexterity save and throw. Oh, yeah, you're climbing across.

Wait, what were the pitons for? So as Tiffany trips it, they all slash out. You're like, I know what I'm going to do. You get out your pitton and you intend on finding where the hole is, hammering that pitton in and jamming the axe in place, preventing it from coming down again. Nice. But we've got to do it one more time, unfortunately, for flask of wine.

Odds or evens? Anyone? Let's go evens for flask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Evens? All right. Comes out for him as well. He will also pass his saving throw, thankfully.

So much more dexterous than me, a big lumbering fucking turtle. You're like a little planet. I get a bad boy card. Someone failed a check. have i stopped the you can uh you guys are just trying to hammer them in right now cool after some time you eventually manage to hammer them all in i'd say it takes like it's 10 minutes of solid work that's all right but you managed to break this trap basically that'll be handy when we're coming back it's a great idea thank you no worries it's what i do i beam at you i know

you're having fun ha ha you've got a heart it beats for archaeology it beats for rocks rocks and dead things because they can't hurt me. What? You turn around, and immediately before you is a seven-foot-high climb. You've got to clamber up to get to a ledge just above you. It's not a very difficult climb, but it is a climb nonetheless. The ledge looks perfectly designed that a medium creature of about your, you guys' heights would have difficulty seeing what was on the ledge. It looks almost purposely designed for that. Hmm.

We're creatures of about our height. Correct. Flask, you're the best climber. Do you want to scoot up there and let us know what you see? I'm going to need to draw this out for you. Oh, no, he's drawing a thing. Is it a pentagram? Is he summoning the devil to kill us for failing a trap?

Oh, no, I can't see. I'm good at not cheating. I'm just tall. Oh, that's cool, I guess. Hey, what did you just say? Are you drawing a pentagram? No, no, no, no, no. What did you just say literally just before I asked? I'm tall?

No, I don't mean I'm tall. I mean I literally just before I asked? I'm tall? Hmm. No, I don't mean I'm tall. I mean I'm tall. I know, I know, I know. Maybe I'm giving you a hint. I'm tall. Therefore, this is a small room. Get someone to stand on your shoulders if it's seven feet high?

Get someone to hop on my back like the crocodile in the story. Who's climbing up onto the ledge first? Well, no one's going to climb on the ledge because I've changed my mind. Okay, yeah. Because I'm thinking about, Poppy's thinking about the story and didn't get a hint from Adam, so. Hang on, this is a tomb of a crocodile in the crocodile story on the back. Flask, hold tight. Tiffany, get on my shoulders.

Okay. You climb up onto... I try and steal a hug on the way up. What the fuck are you doing? Get on my fucking shoulders. I'm just trying to climb... That is not how anyone's climbed a person ever. I wouldn't know.

Just get on my shoulders. I'm trying. You keep nuzzling into the side of my face. No, I'm just... Or is that a kiss? Did you just whisper I love you? I don't know. Get on my fucking shoulders before I make Fuzz get up there.

I'm legitimately trying. All right. So, Tiffany, when you climb up onto Pop's shoulders, you can kind of make out the ledge above. So the ledge above has enough there's like a little bit of a it's a 10 foot by 10 foot grid but on the 10 foot by 10 foot grid there is a four by four set of tiled squares do you understand yeah and then there's another seven foot ledge up and you can barely make out something up on the next ledge as well.

It looks like maybe a door of some sort. So it's like really big sets of stairs. Yeah. Kind of makes sense. Right now all you can see is the tiles on the next level. Are they colored or anything? Is there a pattern on them or are they just 16 tiles in a square? 16 tiles in a square.

They're colored maybe. Oh, no, they wouldn't be colored. They're just like different stone slabs. There's enough. That little gap, if you can see, there's a little gap running. Around the outside? Yeah, around the outside. Around the outside.

Around the outside. There's enough room for you to walk around if you want. You basically you'd be kind of like inching up against the walls and such, but you could with some ease you could not touch any of the

tiles if you didn't want to. Okay, I relay this back to everyone. Horns? Yeah? If you tried, could you reach one of the tiles? Could I? Probably not. No, but I have a crossbow.

I could try shooting at one of them. Sure, you'd be firing at disadvantage, but I'll allow it. Yeah. The crossbow bolt skips off it, and as soon as it does, from either side of the walls, fire engulfs the entire platform. It dies down after a couple seconds. Okay, can I grab

my crossbow and just hit the next, the same tile again to see if anything happens? I have a crowbar and a pickaxe if you'd rather use that than a crossbow. Crowbar maybe, yeah. Alright. Can I hit the same tile again? I pass the crowbar up to you. Teamwork.

No, don't sing that. You do so, but you get caught up in the flames that it creates. Ah. Yeah, this one's going to hurt. Aren't you a tiefling? Don't you resist fire? Yeah, you'll take half damage, but it's a lot of damage. Half of 100 is still 50.

What? I'm not saying it's a lot of damage. Half of 100 is still 50. What? I'm not saying it's 100 damage. Oh, okay. I was like, Cassie's dead, Adam. It's sad that I died to death. She's only got a 48, Adam. She's only got a 48. I didn't make this damn game.

You did. You're the game man. You're Mr. Game, Adam. Mr. Game and Watch. You take only four points of damage because you also make the reflex saving throw. Oh, good on me. Okay, so maybe not that tile. Scooch me a bit over to the left.

Have we tried two different tiles now? No, I tried the same one to see if using a trap once deactivated it, but it didn't. So we have to make sure it's the right one. We can't just set them all off and walk. Yeah, true. All right. Do you want to try the one in the far corner? Yes.

Skip one. Okay. So which ones have you tried so far? Just the- Oh, mark it with an X. Flames bathe the platform again and you get caught up in them again. This time you're not so lucky. We should

stop using that crowbar. Yep. Definitely. Okay, back to crossbows after I die a bit. You will take nine points of damage this time. Cool. I'm swapping back to the crossbow. I hand the crowbar down and- You ride horns. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the heat. Um, can you pass me my crossbow, I hand the crowbar down. You ride horns. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like

the heat. Um, can you pass me my crossbow? Swap. Cool, I try the one in the middle of what we've both tried. Uh, nothing happens, but it looks like a very glancing blow. You're not 100% sure if the crossbow does enough force for this. I'll try it again.

Oh. Oh. Okay. The crossbow doesn't- The crossbow's not... Yeah, you hitting with the crowbar is a guaranteed result. Hitting with the crossbow is hard to tell. You actually... Because the last time you saw it, the tile, like, bounced a little bit. There was, like, some give to the tile. This time, when you fire, there's no give to the tile.

You're going to have to hand me the crossbow again. The crowbar? Yep. Sorry. Please, can I have the crowbar? I give you the crowbar back. I'll take the crossbow again the crowbar yep sorry please can i have the crowbar i give you the crowbar back i'll take the crossbow um can i prepare for it after enough time standing here you can see that on the next ledge up did i tell you what was on the next ledge up you said these look like a door yeah you can see that there's a pattern in the door oh what is the door

was it you can't see it properly though You need to clamber up Okay, can I clamber up And try and sort of stand on that very ledge Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can do that without too much difficulty You do so You're on the next ledge Tiffany, what are you tiefling? I see What do they see?

You can see a bit more of the door now It actually looks like it's got a similar pattern To what's on the tiles here But you can't see the entirety of the door Part of it is looks like it's got a similar pattern to what's on the tiles here, but you can't see the entirety of the door. Part of it is it's just too high up. Can you see the first row? Yeah. You're not sure if it counts as the first row, but you can see

three rows. Three rows? The top three. The bottom one is obscured by the lip of the next leg. You know what I mean? If you pass me the thing. We can see that, that, and that, but not this first row here. Potentially.

Well, possibly. I can't quite see everything. Can you come up and lift me again? Just be so careful. I climb up and I lift Tiffany up again. You climb up without any trouble. Tiffany gets back on your shoulders. Tiffany, you can see the entire door.

It has an identical thing set into it. Flask is still on the- Flask was down. Flask is- No, Flask climbs up with you. Yeah, of course he does. You can see an identical pattern on the door before you. The bottom row on the door, one of the tiles is faintly lit.

I think we should step onto this one, but I need to stay on your back. So you can still see the whole door. Actually, no. Just let me step forward. Okay. I step onto the tile. Actually, no. I don't let you do that.

I have two rules, and one of them is no sacrificing. I'm not sacrificing. I don't know that. Well, you go then. We'll go together. Question, Adam. If I go in my shell quick enough, can I pull Tiffany in with me? No.

Your shell does not nearly have enough room. I'll be funny, though. All right. You're staring at my guts. If you step on the next one together, nothing happens, and another tile faintly lights up. Can we just keep... Does she still need to be on my back?

Oh, no, because the tiles light up on the door, don't they? Yeah. Cool. Well, can we just follow the pattern of... As you get closer, you need to be taller to see above, so you always need someone on your back. Adam, what a good trap that related to a story that you told us. I'm impressed.

I'm worried about how this will ruin us later because that story didn't have a good ending. May I? No, yeah. You've encountered a problem. You then have to carry me on your back for the rest of the campaign. That's the deal we made that you didn't know we made. I assume Flask is just following in our footsteps.

You need to jump to get to the next tile. You could try jumping separately or together. Surely if we jump separately, that would be best. Adam, I would like to throw Tiffany to the next tile. Fucking hell. Do you do it without asking her? You just do it? Yeah, I do.

Oh, I'm such a bad bloke. You don't. Oh, no. Tiffany lands on the tile in front of you. Gouts of flame bathe both of you. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Let's see if we can succeed on a skill roll. For you or him?

For the throw? For the throw. Is that? Wait, no, it's not a skill. Oh, for his throw. Yep. Oh, he rolled a two. Plus four is not going to help, unfortunately.

Okay, I won't use that then. I'm so sorry, Cass. Both of you fail. Tiffany, you'll still take half damage because of your fire resistance. Being from hell and all. Fuck. Flask's up there as well. He's absolutely copped it.

Yeah, Flask would. Flask makes the saving throw, so he'll also take damage. But, yeah, he's up there with you. Pop, you take 15 points of damage. Oh, fuck. Tiffany, you would take half of that, so seven. And Flask of Wine takes seven as well. Uh, I picked Tiffany up to throw her onto the tile that's lit up again.

Without saying anything? Well, you could, I don't, I haven't thrown you yet. You successfully do this though. Oh, good, good. I don't, I haven't said anything either. I've just done it. Twice in a row. All I've done is scream.

All right, Tiffany, you're on the next tile that you need to get to, but, um, you are not. I don't speak. I just stay there and try and make myself as small as possible to give you guys a big landing space. Flask of Wine climbs along the wall to the next ledge. It's very clever, Flask of Wine. Flask. He starts licking his burnt arm. Flask.

Yes? Can you see the door from where you are and tell us the next tile we need to be standing on? Is he climbed up onto the actual ledge in front of the door? Yeah. Yeah, cool. He looks at it. Yes, I can make it out faintly. Which one is it?

It's the same. Oh, you aren't on the right tile yet. You're still on the second tile. Tiffany is on the third. You need to make a jump. You know, I know I do. Yeah. But do we know, is he going to tell us where the fourth one is? Oh, actually, yeah, no. He would find out when Tiffany is standing the third. You need to make a jump. You know, I know I do. But do we know, is he going to tell us where the fourth one is?

Oh, actually, yeah, no. He would find out when Tiffany is standing on it. Yes, it is the one in the corner. That is the final one lit up. You get the last one. I'll jump on the third one. On the count of three. One, two, three.

I jump. I jump too. I've not spoken a word to you. I don't know what to say. Tiffany, you're fine. Pop. Get a good boy card. You're fine.

I'm being rewarded for being the fucking worst. You're used to all the father figures in your life disappointing you, Tiffany, so it's fine. Flask of wine lies down on the edge of the ledge and puts a hand out for you, Tiffany, to help you up. I accept. And at the same time, you'll want to jump to the last... Oh, no. I just step across the last half. You step across, you're fine.

Flask of wine also helps you up if you are fine with that. Yeah, no, that's fine. No, I'd pull myself up. All right. Yeah, you're fine. Good. Everyone's up on the final ledge. Before we move on, I use Cure Wounds on Tiffany, but I do not say anything.

You recover 12 hit points, Tiffany. Oh. But I don't say anything. I don't be like, I'm just going to help you. I don't say anything either. Flask of Wine looks from one of you to the other and says, Well, this is very... All right, then.

You know, it's not my place. It's not my place. It's not... All right. You know, it's not my place. It's not my place. It's not my place. Flask. What we're looking at. All right. So you're at the door. Those four same tiles are still lit up.

Yeah. Flask of wine gestures to them. I do not know what we are to do now. Can I look at it and does any... Do I know what to do? Yeah. Is there any, like, look at it and does any... Do I know what to do? Yeah, is there any... Well, you can see that the tiles are similar... The tiles on the wall are similar to the ones on the floor.

So you imagine that they could be depressed if you wanted to. And it's a door. Yep, it's definitely a door. It's got a massive set of hinges. It would open... Oh, no, wait, you wouldn't be able to see the hinges. But you can see, like, the slight gap around it. You can can tell that it's a door and the same four ones are lit up yep same four ones well perhaps we have to press them i don't know all at once or are we tall enough if

we if someone stood on my shoulders we could reach them if someone if someone got onto someone else's shoulders they could reach the top ones yes all. All right. How many ones did we get? I wordlessly climb and press the buttons in the order. I try. I start. What order? So, the order that we got them on. All right.

Starting where? No, Cass. All right. Do them in the order, but backwards. I think the first correct one we went on first. So you think down the bottom, Pop thinks up the top. Actually, I want to change my guess. I think the one- Down the bottom?

No, that second level one. This one? Yeah. Okay. So down the bottom, Pop, you would be in the position to press that one. Do you press it? Yeah, you would. Yeah, I do. I'll push it. All right. Everyone's going to position to press that one. Do you press it? Yeah, you would. Yeah, I do.

I'll push it. All right. Everyone's going to need to make saving throws. I'm sorry. I'm not good. First off, in the center of the door, a glyph appears. No one here has a spellcaster, are they? I have spells.

Tiffany, you might be able to notice this. Actually, no. So would you, Pop. Both of you immediately see a glyph of warding. So it's a magical glyph where if a certain set of conditions are not met, like a passcode said or a trap not done in the right order, it activates and casts a spell that has been pre-programmed. You see that glyph of warning flash.

Both of you mentally without saying anything. Or maybe saying it at the same time. You're both like glyph of warning. And then a massive wave of energy washes over everyone. What does this wave of energy mean? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chot. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at Sands Pants Radio,

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