D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #2 Volo's Guide to Monsters

Episode Date: February 22, 2020

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Sans Pants Radio, my bones hurt. In the summer of 2019, Joel Zammett turned to me and said, what can we do for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival that isn't just a live podcast like we always do? And I turned to him and I said, what if I did a quiz show that heavily featured my belly and hucked a loogie at everything that is good and decent? And from that conversation, Big Deal was born. And we did it at that year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival, and no one called the cops.

And so we're doing it again. That's right. You have another chance to see the greatest show on earth, Big Deal, at this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash live right this fucking instant to grab yourself some tickets and make sure you're there to witness what i'm sure critics will call a sin welcome to season two episode two of zombie plagued chult previously how much money do you have oh oh you know i only only have 19 gold. I'll give anyone the money. Where's all the loot that you got? I have

it. All of them bearing sails from different local principalities and factions within Gandalf. There's quite a lot of them here. And hands you a wrapped series of correspondence. Thank you. It is from my mum. Not my mum. It is from my mum.

Mum, not my mum, but you know my mum. It's from Sister Sias and Barot the Were-Tiger. He's gotten recently into a spot of bother because he crossed one of the merchant princes. He's a good man, though, and does not deserve to die for such a silly crime. What did he do? He bought a good man, though, and does not deserve to die for such a silly crime. What did he do? He bought a black market fruit. I need someone to escort me there, get me there safe, yeah? We can do that for sure. Do you think that'll work?

He shakes his head. I do not know. He will ask for something if he gives me clemency, yeah? He will ask for something in exchange. He falls into the dye works below and is destroyed by the machinery down there. The blue ink runs red. That's a nice color, actually. You see a column, a marching column of maybe 20 Zentarum mercenaries. When you spot them,

immediately Omala gets you guys to duck into the bathhouse. Tiffany, you're hiding in the baths from the passing town guard. You can hear them stalking past you. Fuck, are they coming to me, Adam? They're heading towards the dyeworks, yeah. We can't think about that right now, so after they've passed, we say nothing and we keep on our way. You move past the castle here, the little fort that's meant for protection of

the harbour ward, and you slowly skirt around the docks. Highs or lows? Highs. Eventually, you make it to Golden Throne without any issue. You're standing at the steps. Good work, team. Amala gives you all a hug, and then you enter through the golden doors. Wonderful. I at the steps. Good work, team. Amala gives you all a hug and then you enter

through the golden doors. Wonderful. I take the hat off of Amala and put it on me. Just for safekeeping. What do your horns do? Oh, they curl around, don't they? Yeah, I got any horns, I think. I just got like Hellboy's

Oh my gosh, no. Imagine if I ruined your hat. While you're skirting around the wall that surrounds Golden Throne, you at one point have to head through the Grand Sulk. It's the largest market of Port Nyanzaru. There are three main markets, the Grand Sulk, the Red Bazaar, and the Jewel Market. The Grand Sulk is by far the largest and the nicest of all the markets. While you're walking through here, you see a great deal of Cantonese people.

Soldiers off-duty, sailors also presumably off-duty, some just citizens, and also you see members of the sharp shot companion company they're marked by an arrow hitting a target as their sigil and they're very very specific looking leather armor they look like they're here for work maybe as guards also like how the centaurum get hired for guards i sort of they don't bother you though no no i i try and sort of hide my face as best as possible you know in addition to all the other hiding bits that i'm hiding my face with you know that this isn't necessarily unusual for sharpshot companions they're often hired if they're hired in a non-military capacity

sharpshot companions are often used as town guards, stuff like that, just to supplement an already well-stocked force. They don't tend to make great frontline troops. They're skirmishers. Okay, well, that is, I guess, you know, something a bit... That's not... It could be worse. I still avoid them, still avoid them.

It's weird that they're... Like, I know it's not weird that they're here, but it is a bit weird. There's so many of them. Like, a lot of Cantonese people are here. That's not where they're from. No. They don't live here either, so I don't, that's weird.

That's weird, right? Yes. I just, that's not. Is it weird, Cass? It's not not weird. I put it in my little, you know, come back to this later file and I sort of carry on the way. We've got to get this guy sorted, but that's weird.

You head into Golden Throne with the Marla. Meanwhile, what are you doing in the dye works once you have all the guards tied up? One of the ones that isn't unconscious, murder sanction. The guard nods slowly. Good to know. Got anything nice on you? Do you want to loot them?

I want to loot them. Is this M-Town guy awake? No. I want to loot him. Just him. I won't loot the town guards. They're just doing a job. So is he. Yeah, but he's a piece of shit. You find 36 gold pieces in a coin purse.

That's more gold. Other than that, he has nothing worth taking. More gold I'll never find out about. I just have this little column where rather than add the gold up, I just write all the different pieces of gold I have. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I have a lot of gold, Cass.

Can you tell me, like, on your list what's on there? I've got 75, and then 60, and then 95, and then 36, and then 20, and then 10. I have one gold ingot, and then I have 140 silver. We're rich, but

we're poor. Has anyone else approached the direworks? Not that you are aware of after you loot him how long are you willing to wait here well the plan was was we're just gonna wait for you to come back here i guess so yeah we'll just wait until they come back after about i would say half an hour of waiting the doors open and two zentarim standing at the doorway begin ushering everyone out of the dye works the workday had already been completely disrupted when your little kerfuffle started but a lot of people had still been milling about unsure of what to do you notice

that a a foreman had a foreman was like coming out of his office, walking down, started yelling at people like, why aren't you working? Stuff like that. And then as he approached your little box, he took one look inside, his face went ghostly white, and he returned to his office and has not been seen again. Great.

Yep, those two Zhentarim mercenaries are slowly emptying the ground floor. I look at Kubilin and look at Flask and be like, all right, boys, we're banging our shit out. Let's go. You want to leave with everyone else? Yeah. We leave the guards up in that room. I want to gag the two that are awake, though,

because I'm not an idiot. What are they going to do? What are you doing here? Where are the die works? You get to leave. Yeah, cool. You just walk away. As you step outside, a host of about 50 Zentara mercenaries are here.

Section murder. Do you ask that as you leave? Yeah. I'm an adventurer. There's money in this, right? The Zentara mercenary looks at you. You probably shouldn't have attracted attention to yourself. Ah, well.

Zantara Mercenary looks at you and just nods. Good luck. We just hang out in front of the dye works. Flask of Wine says, perhaps we should not hang out at the front. When they find their friends. We should go to the Golden Throne. Yes. I think this is the fact that they did not know that they were looking for us.

Yeah, good. But when they find their friends, obviously. Sometimes when you're right, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. You, Flask of Iron and Cooper Louie power walk your way towards Golden Throne. Yeah, looking very normal. Oh, gosh.

Sometimes the people we've met give the best advice. They do. Sometimes they don we've met give the best advice. They do. Sometimes they don't, and it seems intentional. This is why I don't know who to trust, Cass. Anytime we get good advice, I always forget that it's Adam. And when it's bad advice, I also forget that it's Adam. Oh, yeah. It's like, hey, we should do this.

Oh, yeah, good idea. And it's like, oh. Wait a minute. Both of you get 300 experience points for getting Omala to the church on time, to the courthouse. You're less than 1,000 from the next level. Hey, that's like three fights, I guess. You're 500 experience points from the next level.

That's because we had heaps of- Oh, also, Adam, I'd like to, as we're walking away, just do a little bit of a cheeky kill wounds on myself. Just the first level one? Just the first level, yeah. You recover six hit points. Yay. Putting three off full.

That's pretty good. Which is not even full because I am permanently fucked. Yes. Is there a way to undo that? You need to see a very powerful cleric. Would there be someone in Port Nianzara? Potentially. There are several temples around Port Nianzara.

We're going to a temple later. I might ask somebody there. It's worth asking while you're there. Yeah. Play it cool, though. Don't want them to know I'm hurting. No. Oh, my God.

They'll be able to tell immediately. You'll walk in like, aw. No, none of your fucking pity. It's not pity, my child. Don't call me a child. I'm a man. Sorry. I've done this before.

No one calls me my child again. Apologies, father. Daddy. The last bloke in a frock who called me my child got a broken jaw. We know that to be true. It will take, from some admin staff here at Golden Throne throne you find out it will take two hours for quayothy to see you okay uh do you have like a waiting room that we could maybe just sit in they do oh there's no seats though that's not what someone tells you there is a waiting room

it has no seats thank you there are a couple of nice-ish plants and a table with several very out-of-date books and magazines. Standing here also is a very outrageous-looking person. A adventurer-looking type. His clothes are stained and a bit dirty, but nonetheless quite nice. He looks like someone who cares deeply about fashion. He has, kind of all around him, several big stacks of the same book again and again and again. He doesn't say anything when you enter, though. He's engrossed in reading.

The same book. Yep. We sort of enter. It's silent for a couple of beats and then hi the man peers over some half moon spectacles at you hello hi um my name's tiffany what's your name do you not know who i am i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm new here My dear child I am the great The one and only Volo Thrump Gedarm

Volo for short He bows deeply and as he reaches up He with lightning reflexes Grabs your hand, kisses it And then stands up completely The entire gesture is so quick That when it's done you're not sure it ever happened. It's so lovely to meet you, Volo.

What do you do? I am a world traveler, an expert in all things creepy, crawly, and monstrous. Wow, that's wonderful. Did you write these books? Yes, this is my book, Volo's Guide to Monsters. Oh, boy. Volo. Volo.

Volo. Would you like a copy? Oh, yes, I really would. Do you have one to spare? Not to spare, but to sell. Oh, how much? 25 gold. But I assure you it will be the best.

Actually, it might be 50. Let me quickly check. What the fuck? You are so lucky I'm not there, Cass. You'll just beat the shit out of him. Yes. I don't have that much gold. How much have you got?

19. No, I wrote some extra down. But it's not my gold. It's our gold. I've got 400 silver pieces and 28 gold. That's 50 gold for a durable hardback edition. I assure you it will be the best money you ever spend. You will not regret it.

So it's basically, is it a book, Adam, that teaches us about the different monsters that you would encounter in Chult? It teaches you about all sorts of monsters, more than just what one would encounter in Chult. But certainly creatures in Chult are included. There are new additions for this edition. Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't have 50 gold. Ah, well, that's unfortunate for you.

I can see that you are the adventuring sort, and I assure you that you will be hard-pressed to find a better guide. Quasha, humphs. Do I know, is the soulmonger likely to be in that book? No, the soulmonger is not a monster. Dang, well. Is Razna Zee a monster? Razna Zee might be in that book no this whole manga is not a monster dang well it's risen as rasna z a monster rasna z might be in the book well oh um i'll see if i can you know crowd fund but um do

you have any do you have any things about rasna z oh no no no i'm just selling my new book If you want to see what's in the pages of it He tantalizingly flicks through the book that he was reading You'll have to pay Oh well how much is it just to read a book? 50 gold But then you get to keep it That's very good Adam I'm so sorry Volo I don't have enough That's very good, Adam. I'm so sorry, Volo.

I don't have enough. That's okay. Do you have a book that maybe is a bit tattered that you wouldn't be selling that you'd happy to sell for cheaper? No, unfortunately not. All of these are still hot off the presses. He taps the top of one of the piles of books. Or it could just be hot here. Hard to tell.

Okay. Well, what are you doing here today? I'm here to speak to um several of the merchant princes i know them all quite well oh really yes do you know much about quayothe uh yes she deals in fruits wines ales tedge oil perfume and insect repellent he said he says that not as if he just like was recalling it but almost as if he was reading that out of a book she's a a chilton who came from nothing and is now a merchant prince she also worships the god korsuth a fire deity she likes torturing people that's at least the rumor he says that as if it's not a rumor

thank you um i was wondering if you'd be able to help us see my friend here he didn't he committed a small crime and now she wants him dead is there anything that you think that would help us convince her not to kill him? I haven't a clue, unfortunately. I'm not seeing her until tomorrow as well. Today I'll be seeing Jabal, Jezamine, and Wakanga. We know Wakanga. He's our mate. Yeah.

Oh, I'm friends with Wakanga. Aren't we all? He truly is wonderful, yes. Would you tell him I said hello? I certainly shall. Thank you. Maybe that was stupid. Pop, you arrive at about now.

Pop, hello, this is Volo. Volo's, ooh, ooh, ooh. Well, this is Volo. Volo has written a monster guide about all the monsters in Chult. Pleasure to meet you, Pop. A tortle, he says, as if that information would be impressive. No shit, Sherlock. A tortle's in your guide?

I see you also like Sherlock dwarves. I love that novel series. Sorry, God. Sherlock dwarves. What? Oh, my God. What do you do, Volo? I'm a writer, an adventurer, and a general scallywag.

He laughs at his own joke. What a fucking asshole. Volo knows Wakunga and... Jabal. Jabal and... And Jezamine. And Kawathi and I just know all of them. All the merchant princes. Right. He's not able to give us any hints on how best to talk to ours.

She's a prickly person. Right. But he is selling a book. The book looks great. What's the book? It's Volo's Guide to Monsters. A best-selling book,

I must say. It deals with all sorts of creepy crawlies and monstrous creatures. So you're a monster hunter? No. Good. I guess it's like a monster looker, right? Monster studier, I prefer. Tell me, how many of these things in this book have you faced down?

None of them. Then how... You want this book, don't you? I just think if we were going to... I mean, it might have been helpful in other times if we'd known more about what we were fighting, you know? Right. How much?

Fifty gold for a hardcover edition. I assure you, quite durable. So it's a bestseller? Yes. Why don't you have a pile of them next to you? Well, I'm planning on distributing them through the city. With the help, of course, of the merchant princes. Right.

Fifty gold for a book. I have... I have 19 plus 28 between us, and I have 400 silver pieces, which I know is worth about 40 gold. But I didn't want to spend that money because it's ours. You own the book. You can buy the book. Oh, jeez.

Do you take silver? Yes, I will, but I'll need 500 of them. What about I give you 400 silver pieces and 10 gold? All right. Thank you. He hands you the book. Is it pretty? The cover itself is boring, but there's pictures.

The pictures. Yeah, the pictures. The pictures are nice. It looks like Volo sketched them himself, and he's a fine artist. You did this? Yes. I did everything from cover to cop. This is really good, Volo.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I like to think so. I think I make a superior product. Okay, I start flicking through and trying to find every monster we've fought as a team. I try and find one about zombies. You can probably find most of the monsters that you've fought. Is there any information in there that I'm like,

ah, I wish I'd known that? Well, I guess you found out about the, oh, here's Volo. Oh, I want to headbutt him. He looks different to how I imagined. Does this mean, though, that basically when we encounter monsters, we can check the book to help us work out how best to fight them? You don't get statistics that feature in this book, but any words in this book, you now know.

Yep. I'll read them out to you as they become further. And so if it's anything like, you know, the troll can only be killed by fire, we would know that, for example. Let me try and find something that you fought in here. A grill iron looks like an oversized, four-armed ape with grey skin and white fur. Its fangs and claws set it apart from a normal ape, revealing it to be a monstrous predator.

Forest hunters. Grillions are most common in temperate or warm forest environments abundant with life. They share the ape's adaptness at climbing, although these half-ton creatures shy away from scaling trees that can't support their bulk. That seems so spot on. That's handy too. It means we can climb a tree that wouldn't be able to support a big boy like that. There's some information here on grungs, which you know are locals, but you haven't encountered them really yet. Go to the page about turtles. Is there a page on turtles? No, there is not. He doesn't consider them a monster well that's good

where tigers where tigers are ferocious hunters and warriors with haughty and fastidious nature lithe and sleekly muscular in humanoid form they are taller than average and meticulously groomed where tigers grow to enormous size in animal and hybrid form, but they fight in their more refined humanoid form when they can. They don't like to pass on their curse because every new were tiger means competition for territory and prey. Were tigers live in jungles on the fringes of humanoid civilization, traveling to isolated settlements to trade or revel. They live and hunt alone or in small family groups. Oh, do you reckon he had a family? Maybe.

He did seem to be quite alone. He was so nice. Volo, we met one. He was lovely. I've met one myself. What was his name? I don't recall. Might have been something beginning with a T, maybe ending with a H.

Thomas, but that doesn't end with a H. Can you make a Thomas end with a H? What was the one we met? Thought. Wasn't it? Thought. It wasn't thought. Wasn't it a were-tiger called Thought? A throt the were-tiger.

I was fucking close. Throt? Follow? No, it wasn't that. Oh, okay? No, it wasn't that. Oh, okay. No, it wasn't here as well. Oh. Some far off distant land a long time ago. It's from the original edition.

He says he taps like a little symbol up the top. Anything with that symbol came from an original edition. Anything with this symbol is a new edition in this edition. There are so many new additions. Well done. You should both say addition one more time. Addition. Addition. Addition. Addition. Addition. Addition. Addition. I take my hat back.

Uh, Vegapygmys. Vegapygmys are fungus creatures that live in simple tribal units, hunting for sustenance and spreading the spores from which they reproduce. Primitive plants. Vegapygmys, also called moldfolk or moldies, inhabit dark areas that are warm and wet, so they are most commonly found underground or in dense forests where little sunlight

penetrates. A Vegapygmy instinctively feels kinship with other plants and fungus creatures, and thus Vegapygmy tribes coexist well with creatures such as mycondids, shriekers, and violet fungi. Although they prefer to eat fresh meat, bone, and blood, Vegapygmy can absorb nutrients from soil and many other sorts of organic matter, meaning that they rarely go hungry. A Veggie Pygmy can hiss and make other noises by forcing air through its mouth, but it can't speak in a conventional sense. Among themselves,

should I speak when I'm speaking from Volo's Guide like this to give you the right voice in your head? Among themselves, Veggie Pygmies communicate by hissing, gestures, and rhythmic tapping on their body. Vegapygmies build and craft little any gear they have is acquired from other creatures or built by copying simple construction that they have witnessed. Mold begets mold. Vegapygmies originate from the remains left behind when a humanoid or giant is killed by russet mold.

One or more Vegapygmies emerge from the corpse a day later. If a beast such as a dog or a bear dies from russet mold, the result is a bestial moldy called a thorny. Result instead of a humanoid shaped Vegapygmy. instead of a humanoid-shaped vegepigmy. Thornies are less intelligent than vegepigmies, but have a greater size and ferocity, as well as a thorn-covered body. As vegepigmy ages, it grows tougher and develops spore clusters on its body. Spore-bearing vegepigmies are deferred to by other vegepigmies, so outsiders refer to to such Vegapygmies as chiefs.

A chief can expel its spores in a burst, infecting nearby creatures. You now know that Koopa Louie is such a chief. You're a chief. If a creature dies while infected, its corpse produces a Vegapygmy the same way a russet mole does. You now know if Koopa Louie kills someone like, a sign that this is accurate. Cooper Louie makes no obvious motion that he knows what's happening. I ask.

Is that true, Cooper Louie? He shrugs. Can you understand what's being said? He nods. It's just offensive. He shakes his head. Okay. No one knows for sure where russet mold came from.

One historical account tells of adventurers in a forbidding mountain range discovering russet mold and veggie pygmies in a particular metal dungeon full of strange life. Another story says that explorers found russet mold in a crater left by a falling star, with veggie pygmies infesting the dense jungle nearby. Cool. I've learned a lot. You can learn about russet mold, but that's a story for another day.

Yeah, yeah. We've learned a lot about our friends. I'll leave you guys to read the book in your own time. Yeah, thanks. Sounds good. Volo. Has it been two hours? It feels like, hasn't it?

Eventually, Volo is summoned away. Oh, thank fucking God. And then eventually, Kweothi deigns to see you. In we go. In we go. In we pop. Kweothi sits on a podium surrounded by hangers-on and guards. You are not allowed too close to her. There are what look like survivors or champions of gladiatorial fights, which you do know happen in Port Nyanzaru,

right near her, presumably as her most well-paid, best-drilled, best-trained, and most loyal guard. Also, just behind her, you see two creatures. Oh, we would know all about them now that we bought that book. Yeah. Succubus and Incubus, one of each. Wow. So Succubus, Incubus. One of each. Wow. So Succubus, I'm assuming, is the female version.

And Incubus is a male version. It's a band. What? What's one of their songs? What's an Incubus song? I could not fucking tell you. I know I know them. You know what I nearly went into? I nearly was like, oh, no, it's this.

And I nearly sang a taxi ride song. Oh. Oh, God. Right? Good band. I'm not a perfect person. Thank you for the song. There's many things I wish I didn't do.

But I continue learning. Oh, my God. It took me a sec. I was like, yeah, what's that one? Oh, my God. I think they do the song follow from halo 2 follow if you played halo 2 and you loved the banshee scene when you're chasing um the anyway all right so there's one of each behind her amala prostrates himself before quayothi and begs for his life quayothi says nothing immediately and then a moment hangs in silence and amala looks up a little and looks

around quayothi still looks down at him expectantly i'm assuming you guys can interrupt if you want but i'm assuming you don't unless you say otherwise. No, no, no. No, Adam. No, I'm not that dumb. After like a long hanging minute, Omala resumes his groveling. He slowly crawls forward until he's at Kweothi's feet and he begins kissing her feet. She looks down at him with a sneer and with no sign of compassion.

Maybe just leave this one for a little bit longer. Maybe just leave this for a sec. Eventually, she holds up a hand. When she holds up a hand, the groom goes very still, but Omala kissing her feet does not see. he does not see and so when he does not stop talking and start being still she gestures and one of the gladiators picks him up and throws him bodily he hits the ground and you hear a crunching sound clearly he was hurt in that but not fatally or anything like that he kind of resumes a kneeling position but when he does so you notice he's clutching his side. That's not good.

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Just head on down to kickstarter.com and guaranteed to tell you a story you want to read just head on down to kickstarter.com and search for a boxer again i'm just gonna hold back what's happening what is it what is does she uh what's uh what's her like thought that this guy's here but there are like seven like he's got an uh like a like a bodyguard team she doesn't seem to pay any attention to you. Andy. What's she doing now? She says, I will forgive you maybe, huh? Maybe I will take this, uh,

um, hit out on you, or remove the hit out on you. In exchange, I need you to kill someone for me, huh? Amala looks up at her with panic in his face and he balks. He tries to say anything, but he just stutters through. I need you to kill someone for me in 10 days.

No questions asked. If you can do this, I will let you live. I really want to say something, i'm not going their name is shago and they work at fort bellurian you will find them there you have 10 days she leans back and the doors behind you open i start filing out omala gets up clutching his arm which you can see is his forearm is bent at an odd angle bad and he walks out with you back out in the hallway he collapses well then do you want a hand a hand with what your broken broken arm. Yes, please, thank you. He proffers the arm to you. And maybe killing that person?

Wait, what? I kill wounds him and then I look at you. Well, if we fix this so long, I wish we needed the bow for it. They'll come back. It don't matter. How far is Fort Bala anyway? Fort Balurion. If you were to sail there, it would not take very long.

We have a boat. The irony. To walk there is also not that long, but it is a lot shorter if you just sail. We're going to go back to the Harbour Master and say that we've helped him not get murdered, but to do so we have to do another job and we need the boat now. He might agree to that.

And if he doesn't, I'll punch him. Please don't. Let's give it a go, though. How much do you pay for that fruit? Five silver. How much does it cost if it wasn't on the black market? If it was not on the black market, I would pay ten gold for such a fruit. Could have just given her ten gold and maybe she'd fuck off,

but I don't think that would have worked. No. That's what I wanted to offer, but I learnt. I'm learning. You are learning. Don't yell at powerful people. All right, then. So I guess we're going for Bellurian, I know.

Bellurian. Let's go. We've got 10 days to get there. Before we do that, I reckon we should go to the Diviner's house and see if we can get a map. That might not be a bad idea. Cool, let's head to the- Do we know who he has to kill? Oh, Shogo.

Shago. Shago. Do we know anything about Shago? You need to recall information. No, you don't know anything about Shago. You've never heard of them before. Neither have you, Tiffany. Wait.

Has anyone in our party heard of them? We have a lot of people, Adam. Artis Sember would not know. Whoever, sorry, Flask of Wine knows. Who's Shago? Shago is a guide. Oh, wait, could we have hired him earlier? He's one of the guides that you could have hired

instead of me yes i suppose if he had been in our party would the role to kill him still have been the same yeah they still would have wanted shago dead that would have been so much easier because he probably would have died on the quest uh shago is uh the only son of Zathani, another one of the merchant princes. Are you fucking kidding me? Are we about to get drained into a fucking civil war? Oh, God. He works out of Fort Berlurian, and although he presents himself as an independent operator,

I have heard that he is in league with the Flaming Fist, another mercenary group. The mercenary group, the Flaming Fists, also tend to work with Jabal. So... This just became needlessly complicated. You know, I almost prefer when we're standing in mud fighting waves and waves of undead. Well, you know, if we had some sort of way to make poison...

If I could complicate things a little bit more, I have met Shago one time. shago seems like a nice person does it look like i care if someone seems like a nice person i just thought you would and he's broken inside why did you say that why she want him dead if i had to guess i would say that it is part of her old feud. The Emergent Princes, they do not necessarily all get along. And Kawathi, she has a long-standing mortal... Or she considers Zathani her long-standing mortal enemy. So to kill her son, I guess, would be a good way to continue this fight.

Right. Her son, who deals with the Flaming Feasts, the Flaming Feasts who deal with, frankly, all of the merchant princes, but they work a lot with Jabal and find a nice enough person to boot. Say, Horns, this is why people terrible. Seahorns, this is why people terrible. Again, if you'd kept your flask, we could have filled it with poison, given some poison to a new friend, sent them off with the poison. They could have dealt with this themselves. I reach into my diplomat's backpack, Adam,

because in my diplomat's backpack I have a vial of poison. Oh, as every diplomat should. Can we just do that? Can we just give him the poison? Good luck, buddy. You can if you want. Is that what you were planning to do, just give him the poison and send him on his way?

Yes, but it's more important that we go and check with the- Harbormaster. Harbormaster. Get the boat first. Yes. You're a bit calky, aren't you? I underestimated you. So what's the plan? We're going to go to the Harbour Master.

You're going to the Harbour Master. That's not the plan. That's what you're doing next. What's the plan when you get there? We're going to go to the Harbour Master, say this is what we've done so far. We have a special kind of poison that will make people die. We are happy to send. This is the kind of poison that only diplomats have access to.

We are happy to bequeath this poison to our new friend. We've helped him. We've got him pardoned. We got him there. The pardon is he just needs to kill someone else. Can we please have the boat now? You go to Zindar. Zindar is once again busy in the middle of something,

in the middle of a great deal of things. As you approach him, people part. You stand before him. Do you bring Amala with you? Yeah. Amala looks bedraggled and awful. We fixed his broken arm. Yeah, he just, he's upset with his situation.

He seems depressed or something, you know, as someone might be in such a situation. Cure wounds didn't fix that? No. What about lesser restoration? It doesn't put a smile on your face. What about smile attack? Don't you have a wand of smiles?

Does somebody have the wand of smiles? No, they don't. No one here has the wand of smiles. Because I was just taunting you then. Wait, I remember that. Did you lose that? No. I've been told about it every day for my entire life, it seems,

and no one's given me a wand of smiles. In none of my adventures have I ever come across a wand of smiles. And if we did find one, I'd send it to a museum. God, you'd rob every smile from my life. You're welcome. Yes. I'm going to do that. God, you'd rob every smile from my life. You're welcome. Yes. Any posts for Pop Mandarin? He checks?

No. Good. Harbour Master. Yes. We have, here's Amala. Amala is, as you can see, very well and alive. So we took Amala to the prince's and she said that, well, he could be free as long as he was able to kill somebody else.

So what we've done is guided him safe passage so he was able to have that meeting and it had a favourable outcome. He wasn't killed. We're going to provide him with a special diplomat's poison. I'm also going to provide him with a ladybug luck stone to ensure his safety on this journey. But after this has happened, it'll all be fine. But we have observed our part of the bargain.

So are we please able to have our boat? I should have practiced that. I got nervous. Zindar looks you up and down and frowns i don't think you've properly seen this job through have you would you be satisfied with your work i'm always satisfied with my work mate we guided him safe passage and made sure she didn't kill him we're providing all the tools he needs to take control of his future. Well, you know what?

I found a ship that can take you anywhere for a price, obviously. Hang on, hang on, hang on. You found us a ship we're going to have to pay for when I thought the paying for the ship was helping out your dying friend. Well, I feel quite happy with this arrangement, don't you? I see what he's doing. We're going to have to kill this guy. I thought you meant Zendar.

Me too. I go to take my hammer out? No. Who do you need to kill? Shago. Zendar's face darkens. This is not a good situation. Right.

Oh, he can understand Infernal? I understand all languages. It helps as a harbour master. That wasn't in character. Oh, no, I can read my mind. Actually, I think he can do that as well. Oh, my God, that's so bad. Yeah, he can.

Yes, I understand that too. Good. I also know what your amulet means. I am very aware of the goings on of this city and the surrounding area. Do you know how I lost my eye? No, I don't know that. Well, there you go. Don't know everything, do you, Arbormaster?

He never said that. So you agree it's very bad that Shago should die? Yes. How do we fix this? Whose life is more valuable, Shago's or Amala's? They've given us a 50-50. I think you've taken on a job, and you should see through to its conclusion. Ultimately, neither of these options that you have presented, been presented, are acceptable.

Do you know what I do when I'm faced with two options i don't like leave i make a third option i think you should make yourselves a third option we should kill kawathi yes right look i don't want to discourage that because that's also not a bad option but it's a dangerous option and it's dangerous to even talk about such a thing i'm not going to lie that qualthy is a good influence in this town but to kill a merchant prince is not a small matter get the hell out of here he just threw all the hangers-ons and they they scurry away the job you presented us with is not the job that we have now. Everything has changed very much from the job that you said

that we would have to do to get a boat. No, actually it is the same job. You're still saving someone's life. I fucking hate people. I stomp off. You turn around and leave? No, I'm just away a little bit being grumpy. You have no other options? can you think of nothing how much is the boat how much is the boat zinda looks disappointed

at you the brazen pegasus for 10 gold a day they'll take you anywhere and the captain knows this place or the seas around here like the back of her hand. Ten gold a day. Fucking hell. It's expensive, but they're good sailors, and they know how to avoid the various pitfalls that other sailors might not. Well, how do you like that for a third option? I don't mind that third option, but it's money that we don't have necessarily, and we still have to pay flask.

Oh, wait, no, we don't. We agreed. We're done. Yep, sorry. Well we still need to go to the Diviners and find out where the thing is and we still need to get a map to find out where the thing is. But if we have a captain we might not need a map. We might still need a map that moves.

Oh, yeah. Zindar gestures for you to walk into his office, into the Harbour Master's office. We'll have more privacy in here and you can discuss plans a little better. So, what are your resources? Who do you have at your disposal? You two, obviously. Your companions here.

Is there anyone else in the city who's willing to help you? We've got Wakanga Wakanga? One of the merchant princes? Lady Ware Lady Ware? I might be able to swing some of the Cantonese people You have sway among the Cantonese?

How the fuck do you have sway among the Cantonese? I've mentioned my dad to you before, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah Bit of an arsehole now, Missing. What about him? Well, he was a lord. Your nobility? Yeah.

Fucking hell. So you're telling me at any point during this junction, we could have had at our disposal whatever your title gives you? Oh, they don't really like me. But they tolerate you because of your name? Of course. I mean, they have to. My fucking God. Well, there you go. Can't pick them, can you because of your name. Of course. I mean, they have to. My fucking God.

Well, there you go. Can't pick them, can you? Family, no. I mean, my dad picked me, but. You can't pick your family. I hear that. Jesus, yeah. So you know the Cantonese?

Yeah. They come from a land quite far away, I'm given to understand. I don't know why they're all here. I have no idea why they're all here some of them are diplomats and dignitaries who have been invited by the different merchant princes diplomat poison hey some are here on their own separate business i can't divulge many of the different reasons but the path between kandor and here at port nyanzaro has only just been discovered so it's uh recently become quite popular discovered yes we didn't know we had lions to the north and they didn't know they had lands to the south that'll be useful for maybe

when i want to go home right So we have options amongst the city. We can use lady wear and your power of influence to get assistance in whatever we need it. Yes. Or a boat. Perhaps Amala could be taken away from here. Far away. Kandor. Do you have that sort of influence?

Well, there's only one way to find out amala would you mind moving amala looking shell-shocked sitting in the seat opposite on the other side of the desk from zinda nods slowly i guess i would have to huh amala's like a human yeah yeah you'll be fine there. Amala, do you have any family you want to bring with you? Yes, I should summon them. Zindar snaps his fingers and says, it is being done. Okay. Do you know what I'd love is if he snapped his fingers and the family just appears.

Bang, there they are. Bang, there's a boat. Bang, see you later. When you're ready, Amala, all your family's here. I guess gather your things. I'll lead you straight to the Cantonese. I'll see what I can do. I reckon Amala should stay here with the harbour master.

That probably was. Yes, no, you're right. Probably, yes. There was a lot of people looking for him. Now, by extension, probably us, but oh, well, we'll be right. The door to the harbour master's office opens and a very haughty looking man steps inside as the door closes behind him you can see that he's wearing the outfit of a candenese noble but a candenese noble wear dresses for colder climates

this person from this amount of sweat running down his face and how red his cheeks are, he quite obviously refuses to take layers off, no matter how hot he is, presumably because of his incredibly haughty nature. This pleases me no end to see how sweaty and awful he looks. This is wonderful. I was going to leave, take by that boat and just fuck off, but it was expensive. It was an expensive boat, but again, just kill the captain. I mean, that's what I was going to leave, take by that boat and just fuck off, but it was expensive. It was an expensive boat, but again, just kill the captain. I mean, that's what I was thinking. If we fix the soulmonger, everyone will come back. It doesn't matter.

I mean, that's not how, but they can. The fact that your logic in murder for the rest and remainder of this campaign is that it's chilling and I like it. You, Tiffany, know this man as Lord Wilmont. He is among the upper echelons of Candonese polite society. He is publicly the face of the Candonese Navy. Ah, Lord Wilmont. I have been summoned. Hello.

Tiffany, correct? Yes, yes, Tiffany Grace. It's been a very long time. He looks over at the harbour master. The harbour master gestures and another seat, while you guys were looking away, had just appeared. Oh, the harbour master summoned you? Yes.

Oh, thank you very much. Take a seat, I guess. He sits down. I was wondering if I could please call in a favour. I was wondering if you could please assist my friend Amar and his family back to Kandor. They can take residence in my old room in the castle. Lord Wilmont gives you a look.

You've only met Lord Wilmont once before at like a formal event, a dance, and he's giving you the same look now that he gave you then, like you were something unpleasant that he stepped in. We got a problem, big fella. He looks over at you and gives you a similarly withering glare. No. That's good. That's very good to hear.

I wouldn't want to give you any problems, say, breathing, eating, cutting your food up. Are you aware of the crime to threaten a noble? Wasn't threatening anybody. We're just stating facts. Please ignore my other friend. What's his name? Pop.

Mandarin. Pleasure to meet you. No. No. He refuses to shake or touch anyone's hand. didn't put my hand out good zindar wraps on the table so if then it is in agreement omala and his family will be transported to kandor under your care and you will look after them. Lord Wilmont nods slowly. Yes. I turn to Amala.

I do intend to come home within the next year. I trust that when you get to Kandor, stay at my house for as long as you like. Stay in the castle. Again, I just mouth, castle? Would you not add him to your staff? Must I be contacted at all? Who says that? You're not aware that you inherited the castle,

but from Lord Wilmont's language, you think maybe you have inherited a castle. What? What's happening? I don't understand any of this shit. Amala, would you be happy to work, you and your family, if you would like, to work in my castle? Amala seems unsure of the situation but nods slowly. Wonderful. Well, please, Lord Wilmot, if you can escort Amala and his family to their new house.

If you find that castle work does not suit you, you are more than welcome to go seek other work in Kandor. Or work in the fields around your castle. Oh, my fucking God. Is this the Princess Diaries? You are welcome to seek work anywhere in Kandor. You do not have to stay, but know that there will always be a job there if you need it.

Would you like to draft a letter for your people? I will not go. I have business here, but I will arrange for him to be sent back with his family. Brilliant. I'll write up a letter that pretty much says that. Amala, what was his family's name? Amala, he doesn't have a surname no the members of

his family oh he has a wife and two daughters do i must i must we all right his name is amala o-m-a-l-a his wife's name is hip his daughter's one of his daughter's name is Knee, and the other one is Ankle. Oh, my God. Okay. Are you happy? Look, not as happy as a hip, knee, and ankle, to be honest. He doesn't have a surname, but he comes from the leg district of the city. Shut up.

Amala Leg. I did that. I did that. That was my fault. I'm sorry for pushing you when he leaves he will be amala of leg his wife will be hip of leg his daughters will be knee and ankle of leg perfect well i write a letter for amala hip knee and ankle of leg um to work in the castle but they're also welcome to leave the castle if it does not suit them. Question for you, big fella.

Who are you talking to? Lord Wilmot, if he's still there. He's maybe on his way out. Tiffany gave him a letter and he put on a glove to handle the letter. Oh, I want to punch him so bad. Oh, I'm so used to this. It feels like I'm home. I've got the good home panic going. If I was to make a chart, Wilmot,

putting people in where they fit on that chart, where are you in relation to old Lady Grace, I guess? Well, I would suppose that I and her would be of near equal station, but not near equal rank or financial situation. Lord Wilmot is definitely, no matter what, he was richer than your dad, so he's richer than you. That's not fair. But you'd say you're equals in some respects. Suppose, yes.

Say it. I suppose we are equals in some stations But not ranks That's alright, have a good day He gives you a He gives you that withering gaze one more time And then leaves I blow him a kiss

Is he, did Amala and his family go? Yeah, yeah, it's all gonna be arranged Well Well you own a castle I didn't know that. You a lady? Should I change the way I address you? Oh, God, that would be weird.

I wasn't going to. No, I didn't think you would. I didn't know that. How do you not know you inherited a castle? Well, I haven't been home since Dad. I guess everyone, I mean, kind of in a way is dead. I'm trying to bring him back. I mean.

Zindar says, would you like to write a letter home? To who? You could just write it home. Whoever responds. Surely you have like a butler or something. None that liked me. Yeah, but they're obligated by role to reply. Like old fatso out there.

But why? I've got no reason to. Tell them you're alive and you've told them people are coming, but I guess if you wanted to find out what you've inherited, it might be handy. I don't really care as long as I get Dad back. I suppose I will write a letter home to let them know that I shall be there within the year. Do you have the ability to ask the Cantonese Navy for a boat for nothing?

You have no idea what you're allowed to ask. I mean, I've never been a lady before. I could ask, but I'm not a princess. I'm not a queen. You might as well give it a crack. I mean, we're getting a boat from you anyway, aren't we? Yes, I'll arrange that. Well, then we don't need one.

Great. Thank you very much. Push the limits of what you can get, though, because that's always fun. I've never, I just don't, it's not what I want. Okay, all right. None of anyone who's ever been able to give me anything has given me love, and that's all I've, there's no point. I've opened a trap door that I didn't want to open,

and I would like to go back outside. What adventures and treasure await our heroes on their future voyage? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at SantsPantsRadio,

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