D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #5 Mums

Episode Date: March 14, 2020

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Saz Pants Radio. If only I were more funny. Hey everyone, in case you haven't heard, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival has been cancelled due to the coronavirus. So, unfortunately, we've had to cancel big deal this year. We're all very disappointed, but these things are out of our hands. To those that have already purchased tickets,

we assume refunds will be happening, but no one has told us what the go is yet. You can follow us on all the usual social media places, or join our Sandspan's Radio Stuff and Nonsense Facebook group for immediate updates. Stay safe, be kind to each other, and don't forget to wash your hands. hands. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 5 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Who blew he tears that woman apart?

To get the ring back. Yeah. But he's doing that as well. I was attacking you because you killed her. I don't care. He starts walking out of the corridor. Yes, you have a duty of care for her. But we have a duty of care to each other as well. As comrades. Or at least I thought

we did. Um, we leveled up. You're level 8. The next time you have a rest, we'll go over your character sheet. We'll give you guys new powers and stuff like that. Valindra Shadow Mantle, yeah? She lives in the heart of Ubtow. I hope you know to get

out of the Bay of Cholt, we're going to have to give tribute. Sure. How much? No, too. I'm so angry at him for stomping away. How dare he? You're right.

No, no. How dare he? Because, like, I didn't know he was under a spell. Wakanga is trying to convince Artis Sember to remain in the party. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, Adam. Put down my spoon, stand up, politely bow to the chef

and waitstaff, push my chair in, and go to bed. He does a good job. With artists back in the party, you rest at Wakunga's compound. So, over the night, pop Mandarin, you recover 37 hit points. No.

Yes, you recover 37 hit points. Wait, don't hit points why don't i get them all back not in chult my friend not in shot well then i'm just gonna fucking wake up and hear myself i guess and tiffany let me quickly roll for you as well ah i hear your dice and it sounds like good news sounds like full health cash oh that sounds way easier to get full health because she has so fewer hit points. Yeah, I'm privileged. I wouldn't describe it like that. 35.

You recover 35 hit points. And that puts me on. Yep, you're on max. Whereas Pop is 30 hit points off max. I'm on your max. And I'm not even close to my max Shit you are Fuck And also that's not my max

Yep that's right as well I need to find a really powerful wizard later I'll probably ask Razman Z if he'll help me if I help him What spell are you going to cast to heal yourself? Wait I have to have more than one? You have Cure Wounds level 1 or Cure Wounds level two. Oh, yeah, and I'll use Cure Wounds. Cure Wounds level two.

Okey-dokey. Yes. You recover a further 11 hit points. It's not full, but it's better. Yeah. Are we still sharing a room? Yeah, we are. Heh.

You vanish. You came into bed and I was missing. I was actually there. The crazy thing is you would see the sheets moving. Oh, no, I don't sleep in a bed. God fucking damn you. I sleep in a big shell that is my body. Maybe she trips over you.

The next day. You tripped over me, I would punch you. That's very funny. The next day with all of your crew, well, with all of your team, I should say, because I'm about to talk about a real crew, the crew of the ship. Before we leave, do we get an audience with

Wakanga? Yeah, you can just talk to him. You don't need an audience with him. We need money for the ship tax. That's awful for you, huh? I am not involved in this conversation. He was maybe reading a book and he goes back to reading that fucking book. Sick.

He's definitely not getting any special things out of me. Damn. I thought it was going to work. I never got a lady wear and ask her for money for the ship tax. Is she around? She's around. I got a lady wear and I ask her for money for the ship tax. She looks at you like she's about to freak out.

Did I? Was the money I gave you not enough? Are you not also being paid for this? Yeah, this is part of the expenses. I don't have any money to give. Has she given us money already? No. Yeah, she gave you like 50 gold at the beginning of your adventure. Yeah, I kept that.

Yeah, I know you did. You fucking, you stingy goddamn. It was worth a shot. God. No one is giving you money. Pay your own way. I see Pop going over to ask for all the money, and then when it doesn't work, I say, look,

it just means we don't have as much loot to split between us. That's okay. That's okay. You are so, you are impossible to separate from your money. That is insane. You have so much. I grew up with nothing, Adam. Fucking get a good boy card, though.

Fuck, for the just sheer Audacity of what you are doing Fuck Oh boy Let's go We're going back to the dock I assume I want to check with the harbour master before we leave And ask if there's any mail for me

Zindar is about to tell you no But then says oh wait No there is He snaps his fingers and a single letter is brought before him and he hands it to you. Great. It is from the, what society, would you have written away to a Chaltian society or to a Cantonese society? I wrote two letters. I would have written to a, probably a Cantonese society for the museum because

I'm in Chalt and I'm sending it away. Oh, I'm talking about the river. Who would would have written to a probably a canada society for the museum because i'm in chult and i'm sending it away oh i'm talking about the river who would you have written to that oh chult chult i've seen three letters that's right yeah yeah uh that let some there's a reply from the chultian geographical society they have i forgot about that oh my gosh they've rejected your proposed name what was the letter about? Nothing. The river. Nothing. It's fine.

They're going to call it the River of the Circle. I write another letter that is very short that says River of the Circle, more like River of Circle Jerks. You're sincerely pop Mandarin. All right. You send that off. Yep. Good.

I'm not having a good day. I'm fucking so selfish. I try and look over pop shoulder to read. That's very rude. Do you try to be secretive about it? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I do. I do. Damn it. She's so stealthy. It's hard to at first, but eventually you start peering over and you read everything. You read how it was rejected. You read his reply.

Okay. After he sends the letter, I just look at him and say, oh, Pop. What? Nothing. That's right. I see the look in your face and mind changes but i remember that you're going through a tough time so maybe to cut you a bit of slack which is just really safeguarding myself against getting my own feelings hurt later now i have a reason for you to be mean you know this

protects me you turn around at the sound of, somehow you can tell, overly vibrant red boots clacking upon the boardwalk towards you. Those overly vibrant red boots I hear. You turn around and you see Captain Autome Swift and Dark, the captain of the brazen Pegasus, the ship that you're going to be on. Hi, Captain. Well, it's a pleasure to meet you again. I don't know why I just had...

All right, let's go. I like it. You're all there in a big group, I assume? Yes. I haven't spoken or looked at Arthur Simba the entire time. I don't bring it up because that is honestly the best thing. No one seems keen to bring it up. So it goes unspoken.

Maybe, well, actually, would she? No, she doesn't notice shit. She doesn't know. What even would she notice? Captain Swift and Dark leads you back towards the brazen Pegasus, which looks ready to make sail. I assume you've got the tribute ready. Yeah, we've got the tribute ready.

I nod encouragingly. I try and do a look in my eye that says, it's okay. I'm happy to give up my half. I have a look in my eye that says, when I find out what it is, I'm going to work out how much that divides between six. On the brazen Pegasus, you set out. As we set out, we're on a boat. We're heading to Nangalore.

Yes. Just a little bit of a thing to myself about how I'm going to be in Nangalore soon and I'd like my very big friend to meet us there. Somewhere. Somewhere far away on the other side of the city of Port Nyanzaru, a statue long ago quietened raises its head. A tabaxi hunter had been slowly stalking a deer around the side of it. He's caught by surprise when the statue, he thought long and inert, rises. He realizes that, of course, this was not the statue he thought long and nerd rises he realizes that of course this was not the statue he was

imagining the statue he thought he was thinking of is miles to the east how could he have been so the statue knocks him aside he unfortunately was lost in his own thoughts. A quirk of his tabaxi nature. And so he is sent flying by the statue as it sprints past him. The statue nearly crushes the deer. But the deer manages to get out of the way at the last second. As the giant metal and wood and stone boots crunches down. Where it was moments before. The tabaxi looks up and in his home language home tongue the language of the tabaxi he says that is a creature that has a deep and

powerful intelligence the creature that has no such intelligence, Vaughn sprints towards the destination he was told. I love Vaughn. I love Alter Baxi. These are the truths of Dungeons and Dragons. I still can't get over the fact that he threw that rock away because it had served its purpose of looking like it was crying. Oh my, I

love Alter Baxi. And he ripped them off because he had another ball of soft. Oh, that's them off because he had another ball of salt. Oh, that's right. It was called the ball of salt. Oh, bless that ridiculous cat that won't die. It's going to be even harder to kill him now. Him and Quasha.

You guys kept complaining that they were no good, so I might have gone out and beefed them up a little bit. So now they're more effective. Although, strangely, Flask of Wine has less hit points, but will be doing better in combat from now on. So he'll still keep dying. Look, yes, but now he's significantly better at hurting before he dies. Hey!

Good work, Flask. He's like the Koopa Louie that isn't Koopa Louie. Quasha has been given a similar treatment. Koopa Louie was always't Koopa Louie. Quasha has been given a similar treatment. Koopa Louie was always beefed. He came beefed. He's such a beefcake. Yeah, I beefed him, like, from day one, basically. A beefroot.

Yeah. And then Dragonbait and Artisimba are kind of already leveled to you guys, so I don't need to beef them. All right. So you sail outwards into the Bay of Chult. So you sail outwards into the Bay of Chult. The sea ahead roils and churns and waves crash over the bow of your ship, driven by saw-toothed hills rising from the heaving foam. Water streams off the rising crags like rivers crashing down a mountainside.

At last, the emerging island stops growing in size, although the sea around still tosses your ship like a drifting feather. Then a huge blast of steam erupts from the waves, and through the drifting rainbow-crossed mist, you see an immense beak and a milky eye the size of a hog's head, staring blindly in your direction. As the water calms, you also spot a dozen or more shark fins circling the ship. Would you like to see the picture? Yes, Adam. We would love.

When have we ever said, no, Adam, we don't want to see the picture of the fucking cool thing we're hanging out with right now, which is a big turtle. No, Adam. That's just me. My imagination's better. Oh, it's we don't want to see the picture of the fucking cool thing we're hanging out with right now, which is a big turtle. No, Adam. Wait, that's just me. My imagination's better. Oh, it's not. Oh.

He got little ears. He looks like a big war turtle. And he looks like a snapping turtle as well. Yeah, he is kind of just a big snapping turtle. Yeah, so like war turtle eerie bits, but snapping turtle. But big and a little bit scary. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like Coral is him.

The creature that you know as Aramag speaks in Draconic first. Do either of you know Draconic? Yes, Adam, I do know Draconic. Nah. No. Well, I do know Draconic. Poor pass. You must pay a toll.

What does he even do with money? He's not going to the shops. I don't understand. I want to ask it now. Just whenever a creature's like gold, it's like four. I'm going to copy your voice when you speak Draconic, Adam. How much? Aramag slowly starts circling the ship.

You are adventurers. Rich beyond imagining. A high tall 300 gold. I actually don't

think we have that. I don't know what's happening. We are archaeologists, and trust me, if there was money in archaeology, I would not be here. Autome Swift and Dark nudges you and says, it's a negotiation. Bargain him down. That's what I'm trying.

Oh, sorry. Oh, she can't speak Draconic. No, she can't. That's what I'm trying. Go on sorry. Oh, she can't speak Draconic. No, she can't. That's what I'm trying. Go on, then. What's he asked for? I'll give you this. Like I show three of my glory, glory hands.

We can afford three gold. Hundred. Oh. Yeah. Oh, I just have a moment when I'm about to be like, yeah, negotiate. And then I remember who you are and what your personality is gold after your little uh little speech aramag screams it at you and he buffets the side of the ship the entire boat rocks rocks and nearly careens wildly away. Tiffany, you tumble and are now prone. And Pop, you manage to remain standing.

All right. Tiffany, you're going to need to make another check or you're going to fall overboard and have to contend with some sharks. Oh! Tiffany tumbles overboard. Is that a skill check? Yes.

Plus a D8? Oh, no, it's a saving throw. Sorry. Oh, one D8 for saving throw. You roll the 4. Actually, you might get a big bonus. Yeah, you get a plus 8. So, all right.

Yeah, no, no, that's actually good. So, plus a D8. I can't negotiate if I jump in after you. You're jumping after me? You still. Hang on, wait. What's 6 plus 8? Am I crazy? Is? You still. Hang on. Wait. What's 6 plus 8? Am I crazy?

Is that 14? Yes. It's 14. It's 20, Adam. I did the first part of my edition where I have to break all the numbers up. I'm so sick. She's so sick. She's doing sick, Carl.

It's a 20, Adam. It's 20. I know it's 14. You righted the ship and killed the Tiffany. I get a bad boy card for continued attempts at lying. So you tumble off the side of the ship, Tiffany. You, with a splash, fall in among the reef sharks. All you need to do is be pulled back up into the ship,

but I'm going to roll to see if they get initiative first and then get to attack. Well, I rush over to pull you back in. We will resolve this. You care too much. This is getting weird now. Are you playing a trick on me? Yeah, I get you halfway up and go, psych!

What, you can't swim? I'm scared of a bit of water horns. Water horns. Yeah, I get you halfway up and go, psych! What, you can't swim? No. Scared of a bit of water horns. Water horns. No, you go first. You clamber back up into the ship. One of the sharks half launches out of the water to try and grab you, but it's too late.

You're back on the ship. You right, horns? I'm just cold. Just tell the turtle, do do the the captain looks at you and says just start throwing money in a bag if you start now it gives us more time to to bargain i start getting i don't know putting money in a guy in gold in a bag for this yeah they give you a how much gold do you put in the sack our mag is watching as you put money in the bag i put a hundred gold in and i stop all right do you say anything after you do that yes what do you say we've got to get back in right no hang on we've got to get back in

right we'll have more gold when we come back You are not the person to be doing these I know, does anyone else speak Draconic or am I the only one? No one else has popped up, piped up, sorry, I should say, just yet Anyway Also I deducted 100 gold because you threw my friend in the water And that was not very nice Aramag turns so that his one giant eye is incredibly close to you, Pop. But then he says, heave it over.

And you can tell that he's just going to accept this negotiation. You did it. I fucking lowballed the fucker. I throw the bag of gold at him. You could throw it. Do you want to throw it at his face or on his back or just into the water? Adam.

Are you going to antagonize it? Please say yes. Cass, just know that I'm... You have to. You obviously would ruin our lives. Honestly, do it. I throw it at his head. Not hard, but just enough to be like, don't be a fuck.

That's rich coming from you. Did you know the dragon turtles technically actually count as a type of dragon? You throw the bag of gold at Aramag and at his head, straight at his head. Yeah, throw it at his face. With incredible speed, his mouth opens and snaps shut on the gold he submerges I did the right thing didn't I it actually doesn't matter you could have done anything but it's funny that you tried to antagonize him get a good boy

get a good boy card for actively trying to kill yourself. We were talking before that I get good boy cards a lot and we realised that I get good boy cards when I'm acting in character to sabotage the campaign. Every single time Tom does amazing character work and it's obviously deserved. Thanks, guys. But it's only when it hurts us. The ship pitches and rolls as aramag when he

submerges he sends waves all around him in all directions but eventually the waves do calm down and the water clears so you can sail again you welcome how much did you end up giving him 100 gal and what did you say to make him throw me off the ship? I didn't say anything to make him throw you off the ship. I think back to all the things with Art of Simba and I say, okay, and I go and try and dry off. I'm not lying. But I got it down to 100 gold because I told him he was rude

for throwing you off the ship. Really? I've already walked away. Make of that what you fucking will. Now I feel bad. You were trying to help. Gaslight Dad. Making things your fault when they're mine.

Actually, you falling off the boat was purely a freak accident. And on you, you failed the dexterity saving throw. I wasn't expecting it. Okay. As you sail northwards, you see what is pointed out to you as Fort Balurion up on the hill to the east of you. That's where that bloke is. They want her dead.

It's a fort staffed by flaming fist mercenaries. You would know flaming fist mercenaries as neither good nor bad. They're not like the Zhentarim who are kind of actively evil. Who hate me now. Yeah. The flaming fist are not good people, but they're not bad people either. They're just mercenaries. A lot of the flaming fist are dedicated to clearing Chult of the dead, which is a good act, but they're doing it so that they can control areas and to plunder loot.

So, you know, it kind of comes up neutral at the end of it. It's like you want them to do as well as they can until they become powerful. Yeah, kind of. Instead of like, oh, we'll let this go on. They're cane toads. They're doing a bad, they're doing a good thing, but for a bad reason. Suckers. It's like helping a nan cross the street because, you know,

you want to push her over later. But you helped her across the street, you big fuckhead. You're making fun of people for doing nice things. No. No, I'm not. Look at him. Trying to remember anything he's ever said in this campaign. Absolutely he is making fun of people for doing nice things.

Tom's a nice thing. Yeah, Tom's lovely. Tom is lovely, of course, yes. But look at him. Big grouchy turtle with a fake eye and a hat. Doesn't want to help you. And that's that. Maybe he's just a product of a very complicated upbringing.

Maybe he should start taking some fucking responsibility. Get a good boy card. Yes. On the fifth day, traveling around the coastline of Chult, you see in the distance, you're making friends with anybody in the, not me, but like, would you have tried to? I try and chat to everyone.

Who's got the weirdest backstory? Sunday night, the tabaxi, obviously. Oh my God. Yeah, no, I'm so biased. I hang out with Sunday. I talk to everyone, but I'm guessing Sunday night is the coolest. You don't get along very well with Top.

Like Top seems to dislike you, but you don't know why. Oh, no. Well, I'm going to assume it's because of the way I am and look. And that's inherently my fault. How dare I? It's sad because. That's why people don't like me, but that's how I want it. Yeah.

No, I'm like, oh, well, I guess maybe they're from Kandor. They are human. So I guess that's on me. No, they're not. They're from here. They're Chult. Well, then there's no excuse. But in my mind I'm trying to be like, oh, they're just like everyone back home.

So it's weirdly comforting, but it still feels bad. Hat is kind of indifferent to you. Like you don't have a great relationship with happy. You don't have a bad relationship with hat. They're both humans. They just don't like me. Shoe. For some reason,

fucking hates you. No. She says, why she hates half. Sorry. Tieflings. Again, who is a half?

Not surprising. She'd say that in front of me. No. Okay, good. What would have happened? She would have fallen overboard at some No. Okay, good. What would have happened? She would have fallen overboard at some point. Oh, no.

That's such a nice thing you would have done for me. Obviously, I don't want that to happen, but wow, how nice. I probably just would have scared the shit out of Shu. The other Shu just dropped. Pants, once again, indifferent. You don't have a good or a bad relationship. Wait, whose pants? Halfling. Shu pants and gloves. Pants. Once again, indifferent. You don't have a good or a bad relationship. Wait, who's pants?

Halfling. Shoe pants and gloves. Halflings. Yep. There's Grig Ruddle who's just, I've just written big. Gloves. You get on pretty well. You and gloves, like, you don't have, like, in jokes,

but every conversation you've ever had with gloves has been nice oh i do not have a single bad interaction with gloves i'm doing ticks and crosses maybe gloves a couple times defends you when shoe has a go at you that is like give her a chance give her a chance give her a chance Sunday night doesn't talk to you. Oh, no. A mystery. A mystery. Hey, Adam, I've made little attempts to talk to people. Has anyone been my friend? If people like you more.

If Gloves Mike likes me. No, Shoe likes me more than you. There's no way I can't take that person. Top hates you. Yep. Hat hates you yep hat hates you shoe should look you don't know about shoe because you don't talk to shoe but shoe talk shit about you as well pants no good gloves no good sunday night no good no one particularly like they're not oh i actually top at one point calls you a fucking idiot.

At one point. You just having a conversation or whatever. Maybe you say something. It doesn't actually even matter whether or not you were a fucking idiot in the moment. Top at one point, Top at one point calls you a fucking idiot. I give him a look that just says, that is the first and last time you will ever call me a fucking idiot because the next time you will choke on your own tongue in your sleep. Top does not seem impressed, but doesn't say anything.

Good. What about Grigonortime? Who? Grigonortime. The captain, you fucking idiot. Leave me alone. I'm sorry. I'm being mean to you as characters, but Adam loves you.

So does Tom. Tom loves Tom. Yes. Autome Swift and Dark. Oh, yeah. Autome Swift and Dark and you get along like a house on fire. I love Autome. Since we've been traveling for five days Adam, am I fully healed now?

Please. Oh yes, you're fully healed. Thank fucking God. What about Grig? Grig the big. What? Grig boy, big boy. Have the rest of our party just been avoiding me? Because that stings a bit. Oh, shut up.

I just want to have friends. Oh, right. Grig Ruddle, yes, the second in command. First mate. First mate. You and Grig Ruddle, you have genuinely a lovely relationship with Grig Ruddle. Grig Ruddle had, when you first set off, had in a Tupperware type container, had cake that his mother had made for him and he shares some with you and now a word from our sponsors also hey dnd is fun but if you're wishing that you could hear

questions that no one ever thought to ask about pop culture you only kind of know then do i have news for you plumbing the death star is a show by Zamet, Doucher, and Jackson, where they, as my dad calls it, make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. So, if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad doesn't believe in entertainment, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Plumbing the Death Star. Oh my god, I asked Greg about his mum so much. Greg tells you all about his mum. Is it because you don't have one?

Yeah, I want to know what they're like. Do they all make cake? Is this, should I be expecting cake from my new mum? Mums is overrated. I reveal my entire backstory to Greg as soon as he gives me cake. He understands about half of it because I'm eating while I'm playing it. Grig listens patiently. He's genuinely curious about your life.

What's his life like? Tell me. He's been a first mate under Otome for basically his entire sailing career. They started out together with a small little jetty type thing, just ferrying people around the bay uh anywhere where they could avoid the the dragon turtle the giant uh the giant creature that dwells within the bay yeah i was scared you're gonna marry her no no you get the impression that it's a platonic friendship okay grig ruddle seems like an absolute mama's boy, but he's a delightful boy.

Oh, I love that. That's great. He talks about his mama often, and any of his pirate sea shanties or whatever often refer to people's mothers. As soon as in the polite way. Sorry? In the polite way.

Yeah. Good. Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying. Yes. He's only ever polite about people's mothers if someone says like motherfucker or something like that he's like whoa she raised you i i love grig because grig is exactly how i would be if i well obviously you know if life were different i'd be different but. But I believe if I had a mum, I would be Grig.

I like to say I would like to at some point in the five days say motherfucker and Grig say, hey, she raised you, to which I turn around and go, no, she fucking didn't. No, a mother gave birth to you, but a mother also raised you. I listen intently. I'm like, reveal backstory. A mother didn't raise me at all. You had a mother.

I did not say that I did not have a mother. He shakes his head and he has like a knowing smile for himself. You had a mother. He goes and he just walks away. Fucking hell. That makes me happy because that means I have a mother and maybe that's sister size and maybe that counts. If you at any point talk about it, he's like, yeah, you'd have a mom. We all have a mother and maybe that's sister size and maybe that counts if you at any point talk about it he's like yeah you'd have a mom we all have a mom we all have mums but i wasn't

raised by a mom you're raised by a mom i love grig i love grig no one could be raised by not a mom maybe she didn't give birth to you maybe she or he didn't give birth to you but you have a mom oh fuck the logic you can't fight it oh my god i look around it and consider my entire life and try and figure out who my mummiest mom is i go me and grig stay up all night and i tell him about every person who's potentially a mom he gives you mom or not oh okay okay dad your dad yeah you tell him about he's like not a mom okay um sister size mom oh cool um lady where mom dick where mom um dick where more of a mom than lady where oh sir hector sir hector absolutely a mom. Yes. Pop? Pop? Look. Controversial.

He leans in. He looks around. He makes sure no one's listening. Especially not Pop. Especially not Pop. And he says, Mom. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.

I love it so much. If Greg Ruttle dies, I'm going to cry. This man is sunshine. Can Greg and I please become best friends? Sure. Yeah, no, I already said you are. Oh, my God, I've never had a best friend. I usually have to try so hard.

And then they end up being moms. Be our friend. Yeah, absolutely. Yay! I set to work. We've got five days here. What's the nicest thing I can leather work, Greg? I make us friendship bracelets.

You make friendship bracelets? Is this a skill? Yeah, it's a skill check plus d8 plus a d8 there you go thank you what a good boy you are you make it's a very simple thing it's kind of just a leather band maybe with a little bit of a weave through it oh yeah nice for greg yeah uh it represents how lies weaving greg puts his on as soon as you hand it to him and he thanks you. Anytime, friend. No problem, friend. No, no, no. I'm so embarrassing myself.

I've never done this before. That's all in my head. I do that thing I go to bed and like flop down on the bed and like think of Grig and how he could have a sleepover. Like the people I went to leatherworking school with, like they all went with sleepovers with their friends. I didn't have any, but they always sounded so fun. Oh, Cass, every time I learn more about your backstory,

my heart fucking dies. I was a tiefling in a place of humans. No one liked me. I had to be so good at leatherworking to get any anything. People hardly talk to me for tips and tricks. You're making me feel bad for being mean to you. Hey, I'm used to it. That doesn't help.

I'm recalling everything they did. Oh, everyone on sleepovers. That was so long ago. They talked about people they like. Well, Gricky doesn't like anyone. They did ask about that. Friendship bracelets. Yep, no, doesn't like anyone. They did ask about that. Friendship bracelets. Yep.

No, cross that one off. Sleepovers. Are we sharing a room still? Well, there's only, so there's the deck of the ship, and then there's kind of one big room below, which is for storage, and it has an office for Swift and Dark, but there's no room for anyone to stay below deck. So whenever you guys need to sleep

you kind of just do it on the deck of the ship if it rains at any point they have a big tent that they roll out that's kind of like okay so back in the yes i say all of this to you i know you're not listening and i kind of need that i just want to get all my thoughts out there when back when i was in leatherworking school like doing the apprenticeships and stuff like there were other students there and they all had sleepovers with their friends and sometimes they'd go into the forest and it was you know it was a good neighborhood and you know part of the royal part of town so the forest was pretty well guarded which was really good so we can go like they would go and have like sleeps under the trees and things like that and they'd go in like a little bit of a camp which you know and at the time I was sort of yeah I obviously I didn't go no one

invited me and um but when I went there and like saw what they were doing and their setups and stuff, it was like it seemed really cool and like a bit less fun. But I ended up doing it with camping. So that's a really cool part. That's actually kind of why I got into adventuring. It's like a big sleepover and everyone has to come with you. I never got invited on those sleepovers neither.

Really? No. When would I have been invited on a sleepover? Horns, what part of me screams, invite this man on a sleepover? I want to grab your hand and make the fingers

make a mouth and make it go, invite me on one of your sleepovers. Okay! Would you like to go on a sleepover? No. I don't even mind to go on a sleepover? No. I don't even mind. I'm in such a good mood. I can't believe I let you get away with making my hand talk as me.

But I do. Yeah, you do. I'm in such a good mood. Well, you can't say no to this horrible face. Well, also you're in a good mood and I'm not that cruel. Even though you're sort of like, no, in my mind I'm like, every single time we've been camping together there's been a sleepover in my mind.

It's something I've always wanted, but now it's like a proper one. I actually use the word sleepover. Do you say that every time we've camped it's been a sleepover? I whisper that every time we've camped it's been a sleepover. Fucking all wrong. Crunch! Jesus fuck. The deck of the ship explodes into fragments. Every time we've counted in a sleepover. Fucking all wrong. Crunch! Jesus. The deck of the ship explodes into fragments and several people are tossed around.

Greg? I can see Pop's okay. No, Pop gets thrown bodily across the ship. You hit the railing, but don't topple over. Oh, God. Tiffany, you were also knocked about, but you managed to keep your footing. You're just far enough away. Pop kind of protected you from the blast.

You all turn around to see, roughly in the dead center of the deck, a giant boulder about as wide as a human is tall sitting there. wide as a human is tall, sitting there. There's a moment of just silence that hangs, and then splash! A tremendous burst of water explodes off the bow of the ship, and you hear Captain Swift and Doc screaming, Man the stations! Man the stations! Unfurl that sail! The sail expands outwards, Man the stations! Unfurl that sail!

The sail expands outwards and you slowly start tracking and gaining speed. You turn around and you can see a ship slowly sailing from the coastline towards you. The ship has giant white sails. As you peer at them, your eyes fail you basically but tiffany i've only got one your eye fails you but tiffany you can see clear as day the sails are made out of a white dragon scales and wings you realize the ship that you thought quite close is actually very far away it's just very disproportionately big it looks like a ship made for giants and when you see the three creatures standing on the deck you realize it literally is a ship made for giants in each of their arms they're holding boulders. One of them hits the boulder and throws it. The boulder soars through the air and lands on the ship.

Another tremendous crunch. It destroys, heaves away part of the ship. Otome Swift and Doc cries out, We have to outrun them. We have to outrun them before they destroy the ship yes i do everything i can to help that seems like a disproportionately good plan the sails get bigger and bigger and bigger until they're as big as possible you're now no longer sailing on course you're sailing just with the wind away from chop to try and get you just as quickly as

possible away from the boulders the entire time crash crash crash they land among you tiffany and pop to both of you it becomes very quickly apparent that you're not going to be able to you can see that they are landing these boulders with very good accuracy that means that they are not near their maximum range yet which means you would both wager that the smartest course of action would actually be to steer towards them and to maybe engage them you do not think you can win this ship battle your ship is faster but they have enough range to take you out before you leave their range captain if we keep running they're gonna bury us under the waves automate casts about you can see that she's panicking a little bit but she looks at you and says you're right

turn us about turn us about the ship lurches as it begins to slowly turn. Take out my hammer and my sickle. Another boulder crunches against the ship. Frigg is struck by a boulder. Okay, my world goes a bit, like, white and noisy, and I can't process that right now. Didn't even do that on purpose. This is just happening.

It always just does, know what happens to greg oh what no he's fine oh my god he's a veteran he's also enormous he's a mountain of a man yeah not as big as one of these giants but he's a veteran oh my god he'll have so many fucking hit points what is a veteran oh he has the statistics of a veteran. So a veteran is... Someone who survived a war. Hit points, 58. He's fine. I have more hit points than him.

He'll survive this hit. Look, he's not going toe-to-toe with these creatures, but he's a tough fighter. He's like a leveled-up god, a really leveled-up god. Who can cast fire quasha can quasha when we get closer burn their sails a very good idea he says as you begin to approach automate calls out oh and grig is fine grig gets struck by the boulder which destroys more of the ship but grig is fine you can see that he's got he's like nursing

a broken arm but he he's like well he's alive okay i'm not i'm fine automate cries out as we close in with the ship my sailors aren't fighters can you take them what do i look like? A governess. All right. Your ship gets closer and closer. Eventually it gets close enough that Quasha starts conjuring balls of fire and hefting them. He only gets two off before you're basically within melee range. Do we fight the giants or can we fight the ship, Adam? You could try either. So you're, how, how well you've only got melee weapons don't you i only have melee weapons yes i'm going to witch bolt them the uh i don't want

to just put a hole in the ship i could sink okay sink the ship uh is that the plan because you're you're basically about to start touching. Steal the ship. Your ship rides along theirs. There's a moment of like a little bit of a bounce as your ship touches theirs. Their ship is double the size of yours. And these creatures are gigantic. They're giants, yeah? Yeah, literally gigantic.

They're frost giants, specifically. How many? You can tell because you saw them looking for artist simber i've seen these guys before yes uh they've all been asleep i've run into these guys at least three times they're huge size so they're maybe about three times as tall as grig oh they're enormous creatures as your ships get that close artist simba and dragon bait sprint and leap across from your ship to theirs both of them make it they're followed by flask of wine quasha and cooper louis quasha bumps against the ship and doesn't. He just nearly bowls over. Actually, no, he takes a tumble.

Quasha falls onto his back, staying on your side of the ship. As when he tries to jump, one of the frost giants swings and it's either be caught by an axe in the chest or take a tumble. And Quasha chooses to take a tumble. Do both of you want to try jumping across

or are you going to fight from this ship? I'll fight from this ship. All right. And... I jump across. Ooh. Oh, don't you do that as a disadvantage? Yes, you do.

Is this a skill? Yes. How'd I go? You did. You rolled a two. What if I had a plus d12? Plus d12? What's your athletics athletics plus five oh fuck uh plus a d12 probably good enough yeah yep all right you leap across and you land on the other side there's one terrifying moment when as you leap you're

about to be caught by the same axe blow the Quasha was, but then you just tuck into your shell, take the blow, but you take it on your shell, and you roll over it, land on the other ship. Do I Bowser onto the ship? Basically. Fuck yes, I do. Now I'm going to breathe fire. All right, initiative.

Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, yes. I definitely should have jumped onto the ship. I did not. I keep forgetting that. Oh, yes. I definitely should have jumped onto the ship. I did not. I keep forgetting that. You are stealth. I'm like, no, I'll attack from over here.

No, that's stupid. I love that there was an entire thing where Adam was like, your witch bot is not good. Oh, who does everyone want to fight with? You have anyone? Like in partners. You can't pick top hat, shoe, pants, gloves, Sunday night, Autome or Greg.

You can't pick any of them. You've got to pick someone from your crew. Kibble-ee. Kibble-ee? I want to fight with Arda Simba. Okay. I feel like that'd be funny if we were forced to fight together. Wait, who's on the ship?

Your crew are on the ship? Your crew are on the ship. The crew of the ship, the top hat, shoe, pants, gloves, they're just... Oh, and Sunday night. They're just manning the ship. They need all of them, all hands on deck. Are there cannons on their ship? No, there's no cannons.

Cannons have yet to be invented. Neither ship has cannons. Oh, Autome is captaining. Grig has a crossbow and is just like trying to plink at them, trying to create, just damage the ship, basically. Great. Pop and Artis, it's your turn first. All right.

Do you need a refresher of Artis Simba's abilities? No, no, no. He's got a magical ring and- A bow and a dagger. And a dagger. Yes. I should have picked drag about with his magical fucking sword. I want Artis to try and not kill them, but knock them off the ship.

Get them into the water. I also want to attempt to do that while trying to fight them. Because I want to push them over the edge and I want to steal their the ship. Get them into the water. I also want to attempt to do that while trying to fight them because I want to push them over the edge and I want to steal their big ship. Can we even sail it? It's too big for you guys to sail. Everything would be scaled, yeah. Well, even if we get them off the ship,

then we can rob the ship and then get back on our ship. Yes, because we took such a hit with the 100 gold. I mean, Grig could steer this ship. He's a big man. Even he would have trouble they're three times his size imagine trying to reach something that's two use above you yeah i'd stand on two of me well you fucking got me there i guess you just stand on two of you oh god i'm fucking out of here you did it artist simba waves his hand and as he does so freezing rain and sleep

begins to fall in a 20-foot radius around the frost giants the floor beneath them begins to freeze solid it's just solid frozen wood but it's so wet that it becomes slippery it'll be on their turn that it happens but on their turn they'll have to make a saving throw or fall prone. And as that happens, you could push them off. Great. Well, then I'd like to hold my attack until they've had their turn. Okay. Is that an action I can take? Yes. Great. It's Quasha's turn. Quasha has heard the plan, so he's not going to do anything that's going to interfere with that. Actually, I so he's not going to do anything that's going to interfere with that.

Actually, I know what he's going to do. Quasha leans across the ships and he grabs a hold of your shell from behind, Pop. And as he does so, you feel energy channeling from him into you. He casts upon you bull strength. You have advantage on strength checks and your carrying capacity doubles. So I could carry a giant? I would make it a

you'd have advantage on the check, but you wouldn't be able to just lift them over your head. So you could just very easily push them. I'm going to try that my next turn. When they see if they've failed their... I'm going to try that in my next turn. All right. When they see if they failed there. I'm waiting until it's their turn to see if they fail.

Waiting to see if they fail. That was Quash's turn. Tiffany and Koopa Louie, what do you want to do? I would like to. Koopa Louie has his spear and he has his spore burst. Oh, something so cute. I was looking up Vegapygmies and Koopa Louie, and there's something so cute that can was looking up I was looking up Vegapygmies and Koopa Louie and there's something so cute

that can happen in the future. He makes more Koopa Louies with his ball burst. Make a giant Koopa Louie house. Oh, big Koopa Louie. Giant. I leap majestically with no issue onto the other ship

and charge my green flame blade. And are you going to attack them? I would love to if I am able to on this turn, because I did just leap majestically with no fault. You actually can. Yes. One of them is dragon bait is up against one of them,

and you can fight with dragon bait. I will do that. Slishity slash. Time for a gash. Here's your new gash. You hit. Woo! Splishity slash.

You're going to go splishity splash. Ah, yes. And you've done your dishity dash. So, one, two, three, four D6 for your sneak attack. A D4 for your rapier. A D4 for your little magic boy. Sorry, a D8ier. A d4 for your little magic boy. Sorry, a d8, not a d4 for your little magic boy. And a d8 for your rapier.

And then a d8 for green flame blade will leap from this frost giant and hit another one. It's so much more powerful when I do things I'm good at. You deal 28 points of damage. Good. This frost giant. Let's do like six with Witch Bolt. Uh-huh. And you deal three points of damage to another one.

As you're, when you drive your rapier in, a burst of green flame wraps around your rapier, strikes the frost giant, leaps off the frost giant, and flames lick at a second one. Delicious. And then, what did you want Koopa Louie to do? Spear.

Fight the same one you're fighting? Yeah. Alright. You focus on the same foe for the first time in your life. You fight beside Koopa Louie and Dragonbait at the exact same time. So I was trying to think of a first, but I couldn't. Critical hit!

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. So, there it is. First hit. Koopa Louie deals just four points of damage. Just a teeny tiny four points of damage. Insign teeny tiny four points of damage. Insignificant.

No one would think. No one would notice. No one would mind or care. If I were Crawler, I would yell, you're not meant to kiss them. Follow up. Maximum damage and you may make another attack with advantage against the same target. Koopa Louie drives the spear into the giant,

dealing 10 points of damage. The giant bellows, launching upwards and allowing Koopa Louie to use that leverage to just drive his end of the spear down, piercing further up into the gut of the giant. He deals another 10 points of damage. Good, good, good, good, good, good. That's 24 in total? Yes, he deals of damage. Good. Good, good, good, good, good. So that's 24 in total? Yes, he deals 24 damage in total. It's not quite as good as mine, but it's a good start. Then it is Dragonbait's turn.

Dragonbait, standing next to you, also slashes at this one giant. You focus fire, trying to bring it down. He hits two times with Holy Avenger. He does not deal extra damage because it is not undead, but Holy Avenger still deals 20 points of damage. And then it is the giant's turn. Bad. Sorry.

Don't give them a turn. Give them the urn. That's where their bodies go. Will it be the giants in the urn or the sailors of the brazen Pegasus? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult Thanks for listening If you want to help support this show

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