D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #8 A Death on the Nile

Episode Date: April 4, 2020

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Sans Pants Radio, am I getting paid for this? Welcome to Season 2, Episode 8 of Zombie-Plagued Chult. Monkey Bridge. Yes, it's... it got its name from the monkeys that perch on its walls and hang by their tails from its underside. Sure enough, as you get closer, you see monkeys all over the bridge. Who's the statue of, Adam? Do I recognize who that might be? The statue? Oh,

it's a shrine to Ubtow. It's one of his many forms. You immediately recognize it as the warrior form. No, I'm gonna make you fight this creature if I can. Wait, what? You traced it wrong. It's angry. The statue's alive?

Oh yeah, no sorry The statue gets up and attacks you Koopalooey is but small And this creature is quite big Is he dead? No, he starts to reform It just threw him off Who does the golem consider?

Ah, you, you fucked up the maze Oh no Oh no, you need to solve the maze. Flask, keep attacking. You get an extra six Solvey points. You're on 17 out of 30. I thought maybe solving the maze would give us a boon of some kind. Yeah.

Will it, Adam? Well, you're both going to get 1,475 experience points. Do you count that as a boon? No. No. Flask of Wine puts his hat paws up and says, all right, all right, it is a waka nut. Pop, Flask of Wine insists that all they have to show is a waka nut.

A waka what? Surprisingly, you're not familiar with the flora and fauna around Chult, so you don't know what a waka nut is. I don't care about plants. You're not sure if a waka nut is a thing or if it's an expression. You're not sure with the flora and fauna around Chult. So you don't know what a wakanut is. I don't care about plants. You're not sure if a wakanut is a thing or if it's an expression. You're not sure what he just said. What the? A waka what?

A wakanut. Tiffany, you are led into the bowels of the ship. Brilliant. Sunday night, out of one of the crates here in storage, pulls out a little bag, a little brown leather bag. He opens it up a little bit, and as he cracks it open, light spills out of it. It's one of the special rocks that Flask of Wine was so keen on.

Yeah, those drowning rocks. Oh, the special magic drowning rocks. I drown and die. In the bag, there are several fist-sized nuts. My fist or big fist? My fist. Big fist. It's got like a similar to a walnut.

You ever seen a walnut before? It's got that big like cranium sort of look to it. Yeah. I think you'll also find it looks like a scrotum, Adam. A bit like a scrotum. Yes, that's correct brains and ball sacks look the same they don't it's got a couple of bumpy ridges running along it two or three actually so it varies depending on the the nut they're all they all

obviously are the same nut but they've got different numbers of ridges on them sunday night shakes it or picks one up and shakes it and when oh the bag is glowing when he shakes it it glows a little and then he shakes it again and it glows a little more it's like a motion light basically every time he shakes it as well it produces a little rattling sound a little uh A little... Oh, that's comforting, Az. That's so nice.

He hands you... He says, hand? He puts a nut in your hand. It is a waka nut. What a... I love it. Thank you. A flask of wine gets basically bounced down the bottom of the stairs and Pop is in the hold with you.

What the fuck's going on here? Pop, look, this is, was it a wakana? Wakana. I shake it. So no one's getting murdered. Oh, no? I look at Sunday night. Am I about to be murdered?

No, you're not doing any murdering. Are you murdering us? Flask of wine stands up. Flask, I'm not murdering anybody. Provided no one else is murdering anybody. Then I may rethink my stance on that. I'm not murdering anyone. Good.

Sunday night, just absently. It looks like he's half paying attention tabaxi my fucking god i love them so much they're adorable it produces light in a 10 foot radius when you do that the light lasts for about a minute where did you find these what They grow on waka trees. How long have you guys had them for? I have had... Sunday Night says I have had them for some time. They are mine. I am giving them to you. All of them? No, one.

To you. No, no. One to you. Good. Thank you. Why are you two here? Flask of Wine says, we wanted to steal your nuts. Flask! I didn, we wanted to steal your nuts. Flask. I didn't even know what the fuck the nuts were a moment ago. Didn't you?

But you said their name so many times. I do. Poppy's fuming. Tiffany is happy. I'm going back above deck. Fuck the lorries. Alright, you walk away. I walk away.

Sunday night says to Flask of Wine, does he not have a bowl of soft to get his anger out? Flask of Wine shakes his head. I have not seen a bowl of soft. Is there enough bowl of soft for the anger in pop? Bowl of soft to make you happy.

Oh, Sunday night, can I have a look at your bowl of soft, if that's okay? I've seen flasks of wine. It's really nice. Flask of wine does it different to me. Yeah. My bowl of soft is different. He reaches into his coat and pulls out. As he's pulling it out, you hear chirping.

And Sunday night produces a small white chicken. Oh, my God. Like a baby chick, like a yellow chick, but white instead of yellow. May I touch it? Sunday night gives you a really narrow eyed look. He doesn't know if he can trust you. He pulls the chicken back. No.

I nod and say, okay. You may pat. I can pat it? Yeah. Oh, I give it the most gentle pat. You know when little kids are shown a rabbit or something and the parents are like, be gentle, and the kids are like, and they sort of bite one of their lips and they just do the most gentle pat.

Their hand is as far away from their body as they can muster. I give it one of those pats. All right. No one could be more gentle than me right now. Sunday night allows you to pat for as long as you want. Oh, is it soft? It's very soft. It's like a baby chicken, basically.

Yes. It cheeps as a baby chick would. Thank you, Sunday night. You are welcome. I don't even have anything to give in return. You are lucky it is still young. Its horns have not grown in yet i what the fuck is that thing sunday night puts it back into his coat that's not for me to know that that's not for

me to know when you told me of your uh your father when we were telling stories you sounded sad uh i thought this might help you in the darkness of your life. I give Sunday night a big cuddle, being very mindful of the chicken. He hugs you back. Flask of wine comes in and hugs for a little bit as well, but Sunday night swats him away. When it becomes apparent he's trying to get one of the nuts. After a very long hug, I pull away and say,

this will light my darkest times. Thank you very much, Sunday night. You are the welcome. I want to question you about what the fuck just happened because I've just seen you come out from under there the happiest I have seen you in an hour. I don't know, maybe you saw a tree that looked nice. Wait, that's Flask who counts trees to make sure everything's okay.

It is a good number of trees. Poor Flask is so sick. There are no doctors in this world that can help him. He's also a bit of a piece of shit. How? Just trying to rob his friend of a nice thing. Are they friends because they're both tabaxi? That's racist.

They seem like they're friends. They're not. Okay, then. They're just both tabaxi. Also, the stealing things is, is that pretty tabaxi? Not really. It's pretty on brand for flask of wine. Yeah, he's a thief.

He does like special things. Flask of wine. I know this is a long while ago, but the first time you met Flask of Wine and his sister, the letter that you sent them, they had received by robbing the mailman. That's right. It arrived like a day before it should have. Because they robbed the mailman that was meant to deliver their message.

And we were going to pay them in things. What was all that about? I got a waconut. I shake the waconut. What? What's it do? It lights up in the dark. Just a lot of light around us.

It'll be really useful. And why did he give it to you? Because he wanted to light up my darkest times. Right. He said my story was pretty sad. Your story is pretty sad. Yeah, but no one usually cares. Fair enough, you know.

This is so nice. Yeah, it is. This must be what it's like to have siblings. That is not what it's like to have siblings. But they're a family member and they have to love you the whole time. They're always nice? Nah, well, they are always nice, but they don't have to love you the whole time. They're always nice? Nah, well, they are always nice, but they don't have to love you the whole time.

How can you have one without the other? Oh, very easily, my friend, very easily. Another day or so passes and you arrive as close as you can get via the river to Curse of Baal. You're going to have to make it on foot the rest of the way, but it's like a day or so travel at most. It's not going to take you very long. I'm assuming the boat crew will stay here.

Yeah, no, they are to wait here for you. Good work. As you pull up in the boat, everyone, what would both of you have been doing during the day? Probably brooding. No. You could. I like to imagine for some reason you meditating in the middle of the deck.

I'm just sitting there with my eyes closed in the middle of the deck, not sure if I'm dead asleep or angry. But we certainly don't want to talk to you. Maybe it's always a mixture. Correct. Tiffany, what would you do? Oh, no, no, Adam. Adam, I'm sitting in the middle of the ship with a knife and a fork in front of me in silent prayer.

Fuck yeah. I am going to use my leather working tools and the scraps and stuff that I have to make a little leather necklace for Sunday night as a way to say thank you. Ashley, what is Sunday night? Does Sunday night have a belt? Sunday night uses a bit of rope as a belt. I make Sunday night a a way to say thank you. Ashley, what does Sunday night, does Sunday night have a belt? Sunday night uses a bit of rope as a belt. I make Sunday night a very nice belt. As you're working, both of you at a certain point look up from your work

and you see a bunch of people are congregating around the starboard side of the ship, leaning over and looking into the water as the ship is slowly pulling up. So as people, as the crew are slowly and slowly needed less and less, you can see that they're making their way to the starboard side of the ship and peering over the side.

I put my knife and fork away. I finished my silent prayer. Actually, I want to end my silent prayer with a verbal end, which is just, and fuck you in the face. Then I put my knife and fork away and I get up. A very unorthodox ending to that prayer. I have a complicated relationship with my God, Adam. I then go over to the stubborn side of the ship.

Horns, you're coming. Oh, I look down at the belt and looking and thinking how important it is, but that i should the other thing's time sensitive so i look down i'm like yeah and i put my belt down and i go by maybe just sheer coincidence pop you end up next to artist simber at the at the railing it's just the only place that's easy we had we've had i think we've had one conversation since chult and that was when we were fighting giants together and otherwise i don't think we've actually spoke i think that would be accurate how frosty is it it's always frosty around him because he's got

an ice room he fucking beat me to it without really maybe looking at you artisember just as you're both staring off the side of the ship, Artisembre comments saying, well, that's just certainly not good, is it? You look down and you see three giant crocodiles, basically in the exact, in the way of where you need to go. You need to get off the starboard side of the ship and onto land there to head towards Curse of Baal. And you can see those three giant crocodiles are sunning themselves where

you would want to land you know how i said there's like kind of sheer cliff face on either side they are on the only slope available on that cliff side and when i say giant crocodiles i don't think you understand exactly how big these things are i think i I'm about to, Adam. Each of them are about the size of a bus. Oh. Yeah. Hang on. Thick as a bus or long as a bus? As big as a bus.

Imagine a bus with arms and maybe add a crocodile head. Oh. Does it have a driver? No, but the wheels do go round and round. Get a good boy card, Adam. Give me a good boy card. No, that is decidedly not good. What's the plan here?

Maybe Autome asks you. So what's the plan here, guys? We can't go a bit further down where the crocodiles are. It's not a way to circumvent the crocodiles? We could certainly try, but we wouldn't be able to moor there. We'd have to drop you off there and come back here and wait for you. In which case, we'd have to deal with the crocodiles again later. Well, maybe we could wait?

They can't stay here forever. I wouldn't think so. How long are you going to wait? I don't know. Two hours? Two hours? In two hours... Highs or lows? Highs. The crocodiles begin moving. They attack

the boat. Pop, who would you like to act with? I'm going to partner up with Artis again because that's fun because we hate one another. Alright, Pop and Artis, you're first. They attack the boat. Pop, who would you like to act with? I'm going to partner up with Artis again because that's fun because we hate one another. Alright, Pop and Artis you're first. One of the crocodiles launches up and slams onto the side of the boat rocking it backwards. It leans heavy

to starboard and the boat tips far enough down that water begins to lap onto the deck. You are horizontally leaning to try and stay upright. Is there any meat on this boat, Adam? There'd be rations, but not like, not all. There's no barrel of meat, you know?

There's meat in storage around. Could I chum the water so we could distract the crocodiles enough to get on land and head away? You could try to do that. I want to try to do that. I would say that your action is spent collecting meat with Artisember. Alright. Come on, us. Let's get some meat. It's the Crocs turn. Tiffany, actually, everyone was leaning, looking over the boat at the Crocs. One of them attacks, launching at you.

That's insane because its tooth is the size of my head tiffany it launches and wraps its massive jaw around you you will take 24 points of damage oh and you will need to make a uh oh, no, you're just grappled. Is it going to death roll, Cass? So it launches out of the water. Tiffany, you do not see it coming. It's so fast. It's crazy to see something that big moving that quickly. And then crunch!

Its jaws lock around you, and it starts dragging you off the boat. Jaws lock around you and it starts dragging you off the boat. At the exact same moment, its tail whips around and hits Autome. Oh, no. Out of all of the people. Oh, that's real bad. That's so bad. I could probably be the captain. Hey, hey, look at me.

I'm the captain now. Hey, hey, look at me. I'm the captain now. Autome takes 15 points of damage and is thrown clear across the ship. She takes a dunk. She goes overboard on the other side of the ship. I'm below deck getting meat. This is a terrible idea.

Tiffany. Should have punched. It's your turn. Can I please fight with my best friend? You want to fight with Grig? Yeah. Grig is not going to be very useful, but you can. I will allow this mistake.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Adam, if I were not to fight with Grig, would Grig be safe and out of harm's way? Grig acts as his own character then. And would he maybe not attack the crotchets and stay safe you just don't know it plays grig and make him hide grig you hide yes i hide are you picking grig yep all right well so i'm in the crocodile's mouth yes yes you're being grappled you need to make a check to escape. Because in a way, me and Greg are flanking the enemy. No, no, in no way you're flanking the enemy.

Also, this enemy is too big to be flanked. Cass, you're a tiefling, yeah? Yeah. Don't you have that thing where if something grabs you, you can catch it on fire? Hellish rebuke, which you should have used as a reaction, but I'll allow you to do now. Well, I would love to just set this bad boy on fire using my hellish Rebuke, which you should have used as a reaction, but I'll allow you to do now. Well, I would love

to just set this bad boy on fire using my Hellish Rebuke. It fails its reflex saving throw and is bathed in flames. Okay. It takes 11 points of damage. But that was just your reaction

on its turn. Then you get your turn as well. You can try to break free of the grapple, or you could try to cast the spell with a, you'd need to make a constitution saving throw to do the spell in your current situation. But you actually can't draw your rapier right now. I may as well get out of its mouth. You're going to try and make your escape.

Let's make my escape. Let's bust out of this. You fail. Let's stay right here. Let's bust out of this. You fail. Let's stay right here. Was it a skill? Yes, it was a strength. Sorry. Hang on.

It was a strength. Oh, no, it's a skill. Yes, it is a skill. But I am lucky, you see. Would you like to expend one of your luck points? I would love to now that I've remembered I have them. How many do you get? Three.

It's three a day. We have died so much. Although, to be fair... Hey, your three becomes a 19. Oh, I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky I taste bad. You try to wriggle free. You are hopelessly

outmatched. You do not have the strength necessary to get out of this crocodile's mouth but as you wriggle you dislodge an already loose tooth and when it falls out there's a little gap for you to slide through and you are out of the crocodile's mouth you can still big you have your movement and a bonus action if you want so you could try try to get away, but that's kind of it. Because I'm not able to flank, will green flame blade still be good? No, it would be kind of useless. You could cast it, but...

Does this creature seem too big to make go to sleep? It definitely does. That's so upsetting. They were asleep just before, Adam. Nothing's too big for bedtime. Well, in that case, I'd like to cast Mirror Image. Nothing's too big for bedtime. Shush.

You unfortunately cannot cast Mirror Image because you spend your action escaping. Oh. Yes. Well, then I'll just run away then. If you have a bonus action. I'll run away. All right, cool. You use your bonus action and your rogue ability to disengage.

You disengage and you can move up to 60 feet away from it. I grab Grig and we head to the rig. All right. You head to the rigging that would be near the alligator. Crocodile. No, no, no, no, no. I meant brig. I just made a mistake.

There is no brig on this ship. Isn't the brig just wherever you get arrested yeah some ships just don't have some ships are lawless no like it's can't you just call it i tried to make a ship joke um i know i know i was purposely stonewalling you as a joke oh no that's funny i'm at least i'm glad some comedy came out of this you know hey you know what that reminds me of? That reminds me of the line, we taught him wrong as a joke, which reminds me obviously of Kung Pao.

And would you like to watch Kung Pao later tonight? Yes. All right, cool. That's what we're doing later tonight. You are obviously invited. Thank you, Adam. So, and everyone listening at home is invited. Just message us in at D&D is for Nerds on Twitter.

So that was Tiffany and Grig. It is now everyone else's turn. So Flask of Wine opens up with his bow, but that's kind of all he can do right now. His first attack bounces off the thick hide of the crocodiles. The second one strikes home and he deals 10 points of damage to the same one that tiffany hurt then it is quasha's turn quasha calls lightning i think that's quite a powerful spell as well i think we're about to

see some fucking serious magic oh boy i'll be waiting this whole campaign for some serious magic. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I'll tell my wife about this. As Quasha reaches his hands to the sky and begins to manipulate natural magic around him, a storm cloud appears in the shape of a cylinder. The storm cloud hovering over one of the uh one of i keep wanting to call them alligators hovering over one of the crocodiles sends a bolt of

lightning streaking downwards the bolt of lightning streaking down deals 26 points of damage to the creature. And as that happens, Koopa Louie launches himself off the side of the boat and slams into the crocodile, attempting to spear at it. But his spear breaks upon the creature's hide. Then Dragonbait slashes once, once twice and three times creating a bloody x on the underside of the crocodile's mouth dealing 22 points of damage and finally the crew throw javelins fire arrows and one even wielding a club maybe let let's say shoe, tries to batter the crocodile. In total, all of them do 11 points of damage. That doesn't seem like enough.

Good thing you're partnered with Greg. Pop and Artis, you attempt to scrounge. Pop, you're doing a pretty decent job, but Artisimber, as he tries to get below decks, one of the crocodiles, crunch, brings its tail down between him and the access to lower decks,

and he unfortunately does not really get a great job at scrounging. We've got some meat. You've got some meat, yeah. Excellent. Right, Artis, here's my plan. We're going to put this meat in the water, try to attract the crocodiles to the meat, and then you're going to freeze them in the river.

All right, then. Okay. Shall we remember that this could potentially destroy our boat? So could the crocodiles. Fair point. I'm not a long-term sort of man Alright you chuck the meat Into the water I chum it up at him

Come and get it you scaly Sons of bitches I'm going to make it an animal handling check To try and attack them You get 5 in total You roll the 2 Is that a skill? It's a skill yes Plus a d12 You get five in total. You rolled a two. Is that a skill?

It's a skill, yes. Wonderful. Plus a d12. Plus a d12. That would be quite useful. You get an extra four points. Nine in total. That's not great.

Unfortunately, the crocodiles... Look, it's weird because crocodiles should prefer dead meat but uh they seem to be more willing to hunt than you would meet what you would normally assume huh that's unfortunate for us are they magical crocodiles adam they are not magical do you have anything else you'd like to help with this role i just uh can i actually yeah i was about to say, actually artists could try. Can we both try? You will be both trying now. Artist Simber. Hey, Artist Simber, you're chucking the meat in. You're.

Come over here, you ugly fuck. Come and eat some meat. Artist Simber takes his pointing finger, his index finger, and his pinky finger. You fucking dig it. Jams both of them into his mouth and whistles as loud as he possibly can. All three crocodiles turn around. The one leaning on the boat that had been just destroyed by the crew launches off, and all three of them swim towards your chummy water.

That is your and their turn. Tiffany and Grig, would you like to do anything while that's happening? Can we just propel away now? Is that an option? What do you mean by propel away? Well, they're all in one spot. Can we just make the boat go away from them? You could.

You would need the help of the crew to do that. Okay, everyone. While we're getting their chum on, we need to get our scrum on. We need to leave. You cry out with that. That's what the, well, it's the crew's turn now. That's what the crew is doing. Cooper Louie runs along the back of the crocodile that he was on

and tries to launch himself back onto your boat. I get a bad boy card and he fails. Oh, no. Cooper Louie, splash, lands in the water. Fuck, I can't freeze the water with Cooper. I can because I'm an asshole, but I won't. At about the same time, another lightning bolt from the from the storm cloud that kwasha summoned strikes that crocodile it takes 22 points of damage and is killed slain the crocodile sinks deep into the water and its

blood and flesh send the other two crocodiles into a frenzy the water begins to churn and writhe and it runs heavily red as the crocodiles eat and gorge and feed on their their own dead and the chum that you put in the water the boat begins to drift away but you're unsure as to the fate of cooperopa Louie in the water. Question, Adam. Yeah? The captain also fell in the water, didn't she? Yes, she did. You're very right.

Huh. Huh. Huh. Well, we probably don't need to freeze the water now. We could probably just get off the ship and go up where we need to go, right? You could, yeah. The crocodiles are sufficiently distracted. Highs or lows highs the two crocodiles remaining both of their heads at some point come out of the water

and you see in between them stretched the form of koopa louie. Cooper Louie takes 24 points of damage from one of them. Oh no. Fuck. And 18 points of damage from the other. Cooper Louie is torn in half. Can we just get a bit of him and make him live

again? Is that how he exists? Cooper, highs or lows? Is he like a lizard's tail? Highs again. Oh, no. Highs or lows? Lows. Oh, no.

God. Neither Otome nor Cooper Louie exit the water. Are the crocodiles gone? The crocodiles are still just feeding and feeding and feeding. The crew don't know what to do. They're scared to pick a fight with these crocodiles because they know they'll lose. Quasha keeps striking them with lightning. He's not looking at anyone.

He's just staring out at the crocodiles. Fuck's sake. Is there any point at the crocodiles. Fuck's sake. Is there any point fighting these crocodiles? Eventually, after a bit of umming and ahhing, Quasha kills them with the cold lightning. And nothing comes out of the water. Nothing comes out of the water. And now, a word from our sponsors.

Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear questions that no one ever thought to ask about pop culture you only kinda know, then do I have news for you. Plumbing the Death Star is a show by Zamet, Dushar, and Jackson where they, as my dad calls it, make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad doesn't believe in entertainment, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Plumbing the Death Star. All right. Autumn A and Cooper Louie are dead.

You collect both of their corpses, or what's left of them. Fuck. Koopalo was my- What? Ugh. No. We lost him and got him back. I rolled a one on the luck check out of a hundred.

So if we had have gone low- If you'd gone low, he would have been fine. All right, Grig. It's your ship now. Grig nods. All right, Greg. It's your ship now. Greg nods. I suppose it is. We should bury the tree and then head up the cliff. I look at Quasha.

What's happening with Quasha? Quasha's face is stony. He gives off and seems to have no emotion. He just trudges silently. How's the lows. Highs or lows? Highs. It begins to rain. Oh, I thought that was the sound of Vaughn.

Yeah, me too. No, no. Vaughn's far away. I thought it was a tree breaking in there. Actually, fair point. The trees explode and everyone on the ship screams. But standing waist deep in the water, hands on his hips, is Vaughn. Hey, Vaughn, you all right?

Give me a big thumbs up. Vaughn gives you a thumbs up. Only because he was ordered to. There is no understanding. I need you to understand. I need you to know that Vaughn is not intelligent. He simply did it as ordered. You're always trying to make us know things.

I refuse to. After some explain... Oh, do you explain to Greg what the fuck Vaughn is? Because they're freaking out. He's with me. All right, then. Do I need to explain any more to them? You don't have to.

No, I won't. You can leave immediately if you want, but they're going to have a service for Autome and Cooper Louie. Oh, we'll stay. We'll stay. I'll stay. If you try and leave, I grab you and I shake my head like, what are you doing?

I don't try to leave. This is a funeral, Cass. Oh, yeah, of course. There's decorum to adhere to. I remove my hat. Two little graves are dug. Oh no. Oh.

Oh. They were both small sized. No. Two little graves are dug. A headstone is made for Orda Mae and Quasha walks off into the forest while the graves are being dug and comes back with like a small cornucopia of different plants. And that serves as the headstone for Cooper Louie. This is heavy.

All of the different crewmen say something for Autome. And they, in passing, say something about Cooper Louie. They don't really know him very well. So a lot of the crew would just say like a nice word about Cooper Louie. But they give long eulogies about Autome Swift until it comes to Greg, who just puts a hand on the, the headstone is, it's a stone,

a giant, a big stone that they just laid out the front and someone has carved into it. Maybe Sunday night carved into it. Here lies Captain Autome Swift and Dark. it maybe sunday night carved into it here lies captain automate swift and dark she led the brazen pegasus like none before her and none after her shell may her bones forever lie here undisturbed there are no words for cooper louis it's a just a like a wreath of different plants. But after all of the crewmen have had their say, it comes to Grig. And Grig puts a hand on the rock and solemnly cries for a minute. Then takes his hand off and steps back.

At any point, if any of you want to say anything, you can. Not in my place right now. You could say even about Kupalu any of you want to say anything, you can. Not in my place right now. You could say even about Cooper Louie if you wanted to. I feel like Quasha should go. Quasha takes a knee in front of Cooper Louie's grave, puts a hand on the disturbed dirt there, and says something very soft and faint. If you wanted to, you can roll to hear it.

Yes. Yes. All you wanted to, you can roll to hear it? Yes. Yes. All right. Absolutely, Adam. Oh, I get a bad boy card and pop. You do not hear it. I mean, that's expected. Tiffany, you hear Quasha say the words,

run, run fast, run happy, and run among your own oh this is really touchy it's just nice flask of wine steps up i did not know i did not know otome for very long but cooper louis and i But Cooper, Louis, and I, we had a bet to decide which one of our groups would be the first to pass. It was a joke among us. You do not know that they spoke the same language. Well, we know that Floss can speak infernal at least. So what's to say the old man's a bit of a linguist? And it was a joke, a morbid joke between us, but I am sad to say that I won.

Flask of wine, that's fucked. Flask of wine steps back. Quasha. He doesn't nail that. Quasha is given flask of wine, side looks ahoy. Dragon bait steps forward and everyone smells roses. Sad. Honeysuckle. Concerned or tenderness.

Like sort of like, care, but... And roses again. Aw, and then sad again. Artist Simbra steps forward. Artist Simbra says, I also did not know Otome for very long, but Koopa Louie and I knew each other for some time, weeks. but Cooper Louie and I knew each other for some time, weeks,

which I guess in the grand scheme of things is not very long as well, but long enough to know that Cooper Louie was a good heart and a good soul and will be sorely missed. You could travel the length of Cholt and the world itself and not meet his kind again. A light has been snuffed out today. I'll step forward. I didn't know Autome for very long, but I did love her very much. She was as kind to me as family.

I felt that's how well she treated me and I guess everyone else, and she was a good captain. Cooper Louis I knew quite well, and I loved him very much too. He'll be so sorely missed. You said Quash and kneeled on his grave? Yeah. I'll kneel on his grave and say, bye, bud. Adam?

Yeah? Yes? Pop? I step forward. Next to you, Teufany, Artisimbra visibly stiffens. Fair. I take off one of my several belts. Yeah?

I drape it over the wreath, and then I say a prayer of mourning from the Church of Gregory Bones. It's an eloquent thing. Beautiful. Filled with strange apologies, but heartfelt apologies. And all of you feel like there's an actual earnestness to it, like he's genuinely sad and upset. And he finishes it by saying something to the effect of, sorry to be a bother.

What? It's the funeral, so it's not the time and it's not the place, but I stare into the distance because it would be rude to stare at you. It feels impolite. You're right. It feels impolite to look at someone who is saying that they are sorry to be so emotional. As you look away, Tiffany, you hear a flask of wine muttering to himself

next to you, should have ended it with a meal. That's how you fucked it up. Why did you try to say anything other than what a tabaxi would? End it with a good meal. Flask of wine didn't end his. I say, didn't end yours with a meal. No, no, no. Flask of wine is talking about his eulogy.

Oh. Oh, his own. His own eulogy. He knows he talking about his eulogy. Oh! Oh, his own. His own eulogy. He knows he messed up his eulogy because he didn't end it with a meal. I'll say, you did fine. You rolled deception. Oh, a two. You could use your luck to re-roll that if you wanted to.

Is it funnier that you're lying and he knows it? If, okay. I suppose he could roll a one. He does not. Well, I just want to ask, if it comes through as a lie, does it come through as a lie that I've tried to tell with kindness? It does. Okay, well, then it can stay as a lie.

All right. Like I've been like, oh, I care about how you feel and I don't want you to feel bad. My earnestness comes through with a lie. You earnestly lie. Yes, I tell the most holy of fibs. A noble not truth. We're ready to go then.

A nod. Kawasha, if you don't want to come up to the Bird City, you can hang down here with the boat. We'll be back. I think I would like to stay. Fair enough. Who's coming with me? That would be Flask of Wine,

because I guess you need at least one guide, Dragonbait, Artis, Simber, and, of course, Tiffany. Let's go. You head off into the jungle. Oh, no. We've lost so many good people. Actually, we've only lost. This is actually the first one, because River Mist.

Wow. No, no, no. Wow. We haven't got to know River Mist very well. And Flask of Wine really came out of his shell once his sister died. Are you making any efforts to be stealthy? You'd be moving at a slower speed if you did so. We know that this area is safe, don't we?

It's an area of good. No. Well, there's nowhere in the jungle that's safe, but this area near Curse of Baal is presumably safer. But, yeah, there's no part of Chod that's safe. Even the cities are dangerous. Part of me wants to be moving stealthy because that's probably smart, hey? I think it would be smart.

We're moving stealthy. Okay. So you travel by shadow and cover whenever possible you make a stealth check oh you're not particularly good at it are you i'm fine at it you put some vines before you and as you do so you encounter two skeletons standing skeletons one in each of them wielding a cutlass in each hand. Between them is a soldier of sorts, like a guard, someone armed in proper armour and with a sword. Do you know what I just realised? Before we left

Adam, I probably instructed Vaughn to wait with the ship. Because there is no way we could be stealthy with Vaughn, right? Well, you could be going ahead of the group. So you could still bring Vaughn if you wished. But Vaughn would make the group become very easy to spot. We don't need Vaughn while we're

sneaking to a temple. You probably won't need Vaughn there anyway. You're gonna get there today. Yeah, I'm gonna leave Vaughn at the ship. And he has instructions to protect the crew. You see, yeah, those two skeletons, a soldier between them and behind them with his red robes rolled and hiked up to his knees, sweating heavily. A particularly pudgy-looking red wizard of Fae. You can see he's also got his arms his sleeves

are pushed up as high and as far as they can and his hood is pushed back so that you can see his big sweaty bald head he has little speckles of hair all over his head presumably because he hasn't had a lot of time to shave his head here in the jungles of cho and you can tell from that there's little spickles of hair that peach fuzz you can tell that he's balding you see each other at about the same time the the red wizard of they dabs at his head with a kerchief who is there hot enough for you magic boy yes it's quite tepid. Who is this? Who are you, you turtle creature? Hang on.

That's not very nice. Do you call on a fucking creature? He spits on the ground in front of him. You seem to be outnumbered right now. I would be polite if I were you. You are maybe like half a minute away from the rest of the group. I raise my voice slightly. You're right.

I am outnumbered, but I could still take the three of you on. You fucks. Tiffany, you have pretty good hearing. You hear that. I run. But before I do that and run. Are you intentionally antagonising him? Well, it was more so that they would hear that there are three people up ahead.

Okay, so. And Adam, when is Pop not intentionally antagonising somebody? I don't like the wizards. If you're for real doing this, you can do it. We're just going to start combat with your friends being a couple of rounds away from you. I don't know. I was just being, you know, loud. But still my usual brusque self, Adam.

What are you doing out in the jungle, dead wizard? Kill him now before his friends arrive. The red wizard immediately sees through your ploy. We're going to go to initiative. I'm going to cut your balls off and feed them to you, old man. You'll have to get to me then, won't you? Yeah, I'll make a fucking beeline for old mate. All right, hang on.

Let's go. God, how haven't we died? We have, Cass, a lot. No, but proper, forever. I feel like at this point it's what we deserve. It is, especially because neither of us are, neither of our characters play in a way that is particularly practical or helpful for a scenario.

Well, me. Just me. Tiffany, who would you like to act with? A flask of wine. Pop, you're not going to be acting with anyone just yet, but when your friends arrive, I'll have you act with them. No worries. So it is that soldier's turn first.

Oh, there are four of them. Yeah. Oh, whoops four of them. Yeah. Oh, whoops. Two skeletons, soldier, fat wizard. We've seen these guys before. You do know that these are, like, the red wizards have had scouting parties and stuff like that. You haven't seen these specific ones before, but you have seen some before. We can interrogate this fat wizard.

Oh, fat boy. Why are you in the jungle it's too sweaty for you out here fat boy the guard barrels forward and slams you with a shield as he knocks you back a couple of steps you hear him like grunt underneath his breath and through his face plate you can see his eyes roll at the situation this fight did not need to happen he says to himself you can stop whenever you like mate bang on buddy his first attack will hit but his second attack is a miss he strikes you with a morning star you take you take six points of damage pop ow and tiffany and flask you start sprinting forwards if you want you actually both move at pretty quick speeds you're among the fastest in the group if you want you can ask flask of wine to use his ability and he can be there this turn.

But that's his ability used for this week. Oh, okay. Look, things look bad. Well, you don't know that. Oh, and we can't see that? Yeah, you... Oh, well, if I can't see it, we don't run. All right. Would you like to stealth your way forward?

No. Sorry. Still running. I don't get Flask of Wine to use the ability. Sorry. Cool, cool, cool. We still run. All right. If we don't see him. I don't get Flask of Wine to use the ability. Sorry. Cool, cool, cool. We still run. If we don't see him,

I don't ask Flask to run. You are four turns away from the fight. Four. It's the skeletons. They can hear me and the jig is up. They probably didn't hear that. But they can hear the sounds of combat now. No, no. But you heard me yell out when I yelled out

earlier, right? Yeah, cool. Now that's good to know. Alright. The skeletons signs of combat now no no but you heard me yell out when i yelled out earlier right yeah cool no that's good to know all right the skeletons close in on either side of you how how far away from the ship are you you're a bit away from the ship unfortunately what if you're a really big metal stone man and you've got big legs uh he actually only moves at a regular human's pace he doesn't move that quickly he takes such big steps well he takes them lumberously and slowly What if you're a big shield guardian? He actually only moves at a regular human's pace. He doesn't move that quickly. He takes such big steps. Well, he takes them lumberously and slowly.

Big fucking dumb fuck. That's insane. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. He only moves at 30 feet around. The skeletons on either side of you swing. One misses as you dart backwards, but you dart into the blow of the other one. And the other one strikes you with what you realise now is

a greatsword. You will take 11 points of damage. I realise now that's a greatsword. Then it is your turn, Pop. I just yell into the jungle, two skeletons, red wizard and a man in armour. You'd hear that.

Oh, God. And then I say to the man who was like, this fight could have been avoided, mate, you can put your sword down any time you like. If you want, you can make a genuine intimidation check, but that would be your action. Fuck yeah, let's try and scare this boy to put his sword down. I'm not going to say this is going to be easy, though, because this guy is definitely a trained soldier of some sort.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's 100% of the shots you don't take. And 90% of the ones you do. I'm not a good shot. I need to practice. You tie with him. So if you have anything to give you, like, plus one. You rolled a 12, so technically you did better than average.

But if you want, you could re-roll and you're not going to win now, so you might as well do a re-roll to see if that'll win. Why don't you re-roll it, let's go. You fool. Oh no, yeah, alright. It's a one! You intimidated yourself!

The soldier takes a step back, looks behind him at the mage dabbing his brow furiously. Right. Looks back at you and says, what are your plans with him? I won't kill him. I just want to ask him a couple of questions. Oh, no.

See, if he survives, that's bad for me. All right. How about I ask him some questions and then I'll cut his head off. The guard plants his morning star in the ground and takes a step back. I don't control the skeletons, but I'm not going to fight you. You're a good man. The soldier's not fighting anybody. All right, it's the red wizard's turn.

I just hear that like, what? When you get there, you'll understand. You'll see a soldier standing there not doing fighting. You're a coward! I am alone. Skeleton, two soldiers, scratch the soldier. God. I'm bolting at full pelt, just like, what?

A cone of cold buffets you, freezing air with sleet and ice and snow. You've seen Arda Simber do the same effect from his ring and now you understand maybe how scary artist simba can be you bear you grin and bear the damage but it is still significant you take 15 points of damage uh that also would have buffeted several other people, but the mage chooses to focus it in on you. So, you're not sure how powerful this red wizard is, but you might want to tell your friends to

fan out, otherwise they get caught in that. He's got cold magic spread out, be smart. Alright, and then... This is great. And then it is, Tiffany and Flask of Wine. You're three turns away. Cool.

So while I'm just processing all of the new information in my head. Oh, God. Flask, run. Oh, the guard had his turn as well, but he just stands there. Yeah. He could help. Can I convince him to help? That'd be your turn.

Would it be pushing it? Might be pushing it. The skeletons have their turn. Both of them start hammering away at your shell, but you know how to take that blow. You can feel the strikes rippling along you, but it deals you no damage. It just bounces harmlessly off your shell.

The same way that Koopalooey's spear bounced off the skins of the animals. Why? Why? You big fuck. That was mean. And Pop, it's your turn. I'm going to ignore the skeletons. I'm going to go to the wizard and try to knock him out.

All right. You're going to try and knock him out? Yep. I assume if he's incapacitated the skeleton stop, maybe. I don't know how magic works. Your first attack might actually be a miss. Oh, no. You get plus eight.

What's his AC? That's right. I get my super let's attack three times. Oh, yeah. He's not expecting this fight, so he wouldn't have mage armor. Adam? Yeah? Oh, no.

It's already happened. Don't worry. I'll do it next time. I was like, it's already happened don't worry i'll do it next time all right strike i forget your first attack is about to strike him but at that time he takes a step back and panickedly casts a spell the spell creates a shimmering white shield and your attack bounces off that shield your second attack though catches him you break his leg with your hammer and then your third attack you slash at his belly with your sickle using the flat part you deal a significant bruise

to his belly he's trying to knock him out not kill him well if he bled out i might you know hey it works you deal 16 points of damage to him. Why? Why are you such a mean boy? Unfortunately, it's just how I was raised, fat man. Will Pop be able to defeat the Red Wizard without his allies, or has Pop made a big mistake? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Claiged Chult. on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult.

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