Dear Hank & John - 26: Should I Make Out with My Roommate?

Episode Date: December 1, 2015

How do I choose an ethical engagement ring? There's a wasp trapped in my dorm room! How do I know which arm rest is mine at the movie theater? And a question about grammar...from our father. Also, we have a patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/dearhankandjohn

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Oh, or is I for the thing of a Dear John and Hank? It's a comedy podcast where me and my brother John answer your questions, give you dubious advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, how you doing? I'm doing well. It's cold here, so I thought I would read a poem about spring when it comes time for me to read my poem, but I don't want to talk too much today.

How are you doing? I'm good. I'm afraid if you don't want to talk too much, because that means that I'll have to talk more, which is scary for me, and I don't really know how to do it. I know how to talk the amount that I currently talk and not more than that. I feel like not talking is easier than talking more.

I could be wrong. Other than that, I'm doing well. My life is good. I've got friends staying in my house. And I just got back from the East Coast, which was a very weird and fun trip. Well, like I mentioned, how much we talk, because we've just received an email from Peter Dressel, who with his sister Maggie have put together a public report, a scientific article, on the question of who talks more in episodes of Dear Hank and John.

I'll just read you the abstract. It contains most of the relevant information. Since Hank and John have had several arguments about who talks more in the podcast, we figured we would relisten to the episodes and keep track. The results show that John indisputedly talks more. Yeah, uh-huh. I'm a little surprised. I always thought that I was the, uh, you know, the quiet, really? But surprisingly intelligent one, it turns out that I'm the talkative stupid one. What were the numbers? What is, how does it break down?

Basically, for every one minute that I am talking, you talk for 47 seconds. I'm gonna put the whole thing online. You can look at the Twitter, Twitter John Green. I don't think that's actually, if you type in Twitter John Green into Google, I bet it'll find me. And you can see the results for yourself. It's an extremely complicated and compelling piece of work that Peter and Maggie put together in their spare time.

So thanks very much to these two students at the University of Iowa, both of whom are clearly geniuses. Well, that seems like it's a fair amount of work to do, and I appreciate them doing it so that I can feel validated and underappreciated. I'm sure that everyone out there wishes that they got just as much hank as they got John, if not a little more. Well Hank speaking of which, would you like a short poem for today?

Let's do that. I guess you're gonna talk more because you do the short poem. Oh yeah, no, they accounted for that. They said I still talk more even without the short poem. Oh okay. So don't you worry, I'm the talkative one. I'm gonna read you an e-commings poem

that if I can find it in my e-comings poem book that I've had since high school, and it's essentially got all of the poems dog-eared because, you know, at different times in my life I've like different poems, but this, given the weather, I thought this one would be perfect. Oh, sweet, spontaneous earth. How often have the doting fingers of purient philosophers pinched and poked thee, has the naughty thumb of science prodded thy beauty? How often have religions taken thee upon their scraggie knees, squeezing and buffeting thee that thou mightest conceive gods, but true to the incomparable couch of death, theirithmic lover, theoanserist them only with spring.

The e-coming poem often known as O-sweet spontaneous, as that is its first line, but yes, sweet spontaneous life, that only gives us spring. We want more, but spring is what we get in this world, Hank. Not, however, for several months, if the weather outside in Indianapolis is any indication. I would imagine not. Also, if just the way that the months work is Indianication, I mean, it's gonna be a while. I take a little bit of issue with the fact that science has prodded,

or the earth with its thumb and e.e. coming thinks that we have only found spring, but in fact we have found a great deal many useful things. Oh, you've got to give e.e. coming's a little bit of political icing tank, that's all I can say. Well, what does he mean? I think he means that, you know, scientists prod Earth and, you know, they may discover many things, but the but the but I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know that I agree with that part of the poem, actually. Can we move on to questions from our listeners? Maybe the true gift that the earth gives. We're just finding things out about the earth, but the thing that it will give us is the spring. Whether we like it or not, spring is coming, but first winter is coming. That's the sequel to the song of Ison 5.

Spring is coming. The last book will be called Spring is coming, exclamation point, and it'll just be full of happiness and joy. And the mother of dragons will live happily with King Jaffrey and everything will work out wonderfully. Oh gosh, they should just be kids and make out in cars. Like in my books. No, we tried to make those movies.

They aren't quite as popular. Let's answer some questions from listeners. All right, this one is from anonymous who has a question about making out, and it asks, dear Hank and John, is it always a bad idea to make out with one's roommate? No. The roommate in question asked me out a few years

before we were sharing a flattened, I turned him down. I don't know if it's availability, getting to know him better or just knowing that some attraction was there at some point on his part, but now I feel attracted to him, and I'd love some of your dubious advice. I mean, I believe in making out with people who wanna make out with you and who you wanna make out with.

Yes. I have a pretty straightforward set of beliefs around this called enthusiastic consent. Yes, I think also that it is not a bad idea to make out with one of your roommates if they are into that and you are. In fact, it sounds exciting and fun. And I see that there could potentially be

down the road problems with this. And that is... Oh yeah, there were almost... Yes, and that is... Sorry, I just cut you off. I'm sorry, I'm the brother who talks more. Yes, you are. And I will say that that is also true

of everything you ever do in life. Yeah, there are always gonna be problems down the road. That's a problem for future you. I don't think you're setting future you up for a necessary definitive disaster just by making out with your roommate. I mean, you might be increasing the chances that future you is gonna have a problem.

But if you try to minimize the chances that future you will ever experience any kind of misery, it's gonna be very difficult for current you to have any joy. Yes. Yes. It will be very difficult for current You to do anything outside of the just like a walled-in Center block four by four room. Oh, that sounds very depressing. What is the room? Have to be so small It's meters four by four meters. Oh, okay, so that's lovely All right, let's move on, Hank. This question is from Matt who writes,

Dear Jon and Hank, I'm going to propose to my girlfriend in the coming months and would like to buy her an engagement ring. The problem is that buying a customary diamond ring isn't something I'm willing to do unless I can feel confident the story's conflict free. Is that even possible? I know the Kimberly process is supposed to combat this,

but is it really working? I did not do any research on this, Jon, so I have no idea. But I'll say what I did for Catherine, which was give, I gave her an old ring that had been, uh, had been owned by a dead relative. And that was like, well, even if this was a conflict diamond when it was mined 80 years ago, it is, uh, now what, just going to get thrown away, like I'm not sure what else to do with it.

Right, I'm a big believer in recycling rings, whether it's in a state piece that you get from somebody else or from a jeweler, or it's something from someone in your family. I am also a big believer, and I know that this is not particularly old-fashioned of me, but I'm a big believer in having like open and honest conversations in the run-up to an engagement about engagement. Like I know that there's something wonderful about

being surprised and everything, but I feel like it puts a lot of pressure on these old-fashioned gender roles to have, one person spend like many months discerning whether or not they want to marry the other person and the other person have to answer a yes or no question in like five seconds. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Agree. So I would say maybe include your partner

in this conversation about the engagement ring. That's maybe a way to also include your partner in this conversation about discerning whether or not it is a good idea to spend the rest of your natural lives together. Indeed. Indeed. And also, you know, that you share values. And maybe she doesn't even like diamonds. This is a thing that happens. And maybe she wants a sapphire, which, you know, you also share values and maybe she doesn't even like diamonds. This is a thing that happens and maybe she wants a sapphire,

which, you know, you also then have to figure out whether it's a conflict-free sapphire. But a lot of sapphires are mined in America, actually. Um, right here in Montana, which is why I know a fair bit about sapphires. I, yes, John, that is a great point and I think that the number one thing to know is that this doesn't have to be something that is a secret. And in fact, it was not really a secret in either John or I's case. I was kind of a surprise when it actually happened. But, you know, yeah, I didn't feel comfortable

springing that kind of thing on someone I love out of nowhere. Unless I knew for sure that she was going to say yes. So we talked about it. springing that kind of thing on someone I love out of nowhere. Unless I knew for sure that she was gonna say yes. So we talked about it. But you can still have a little bit of a surprise, right? I mean, you can still have some timing surprise. That's what we did. Yeah, yeah. Our engagement was actually a complete disaster,

but I think the real surprise here, Hank, is that you are a sapphire miner. That is not something that I knew about you. Well I have mine sapphires actually. How long have you been mining sapphires? Tell me more. I have done that thing where you go out to the place where they have gems in the ground and they give you a bucket of dirt and then you like put it through the sluice and like shake a box around until you see which rocks look particularly pleasant and I found a garnet that way once. I didn't find a sapphire, but there are places in Montana where you can go

and find sapphires. And then if you find a good enough one, you can actually have it cut for it more than the price of buying one at a store. And then you can have that one be the one that you mount in a ring. And that way it's like you were indeed the miner of the thing, though most of the hard work got done

before you got there of digging the dirt out of the hill. But it's very interesting to me that that is where gemstones come from. Just dirt, you're in Montana. What, that's weird. How is it that I talk more than you? Let's move on to another question. This question is from CJ who asks,

dear John and Hank, after having gone to countless sporting events, movies, shows, and other events as such, I still cannot figure one thing out. Which armrest is mine? All right. Well, this is a very, very important question. It is. And Hank happens to be one of the world's leading experts in armrest etiquette.

Okay. If there are three seats, particularly if you are on a plane. If you are on one of the outside seats, you get one armrest. The armrest that is clearly yours that no one else can have access to. The person in the middle gets both armrests to themselves. This is the only equitable way to do it. It is the only thing that makes sense because the person in the middle has nowhere to go. That is correct. They are clearly, clearly in the disadvantaged place and should be treated as such,

unless there is some other extenuating circumstance happening. And that infuriates me when I have a person next to me who is clearly just a person and is taking up my armrest when I'm in the middle. And like is intentionally doing it. I see them like, as if it is some kind of weird power play that they need to win this interaction and come out on top and have both armrests to themselves when they already have the aisle seat.

There are two kinds of people in this world. Yes. There are people who honor the fact that when all things are equal, the person in the middle seat should have both armrests, access to both armrests, regardless of whether they are using them at any given time, they must have access to both armrests.

And then there are monsters. Those are the two kinds of people in the world. Now, Adam, Adam, movie theater, unless you are on an aisle, it is gonna be a toss-up. It's basically gonna say, you get one, unless you're on the aisle,

when you obviously get the aisle armrest and not the one on the interior of the seat. It's just if you're in the middle, then you take whichever one is available to you. If you are having that problem where two people have ended up just due to stochasticity and you know, like there's just going to be a person who maybe ends up with neither armrest and you don't know either person on either side well enough to ask them or like nudge them out of the way, then you are just going to have a less enjoyable movie going experience than you would have otherwise had and you were going to have to live with that.

I don't agree. I don't agree at all. I think there is a way for everyone to have one arm rest. There is, but it requires communication. And that is... No, it doesn't require communication. It requires a basic understanding of the rules of etiquette.

Where when you are seated at a formal dinner is your water versus the other person's water. Your water? My water is on like the right-hand side. It is on the right-hand side. Your water is on the right-hand side. Ergo, if you are on the right hand side your water is on the right hand side air go if you are on the aisle

The right hand side aisle where your right hand is on the aisle arm rest That is where you put your drink and then everyone has their right-handed Arm rest to put their arm on and no one has their left-handed arm rest to put their arm on. And no one has their left-handed armrest to put their arm on, except for the person who is on the other aisle, who is allowed to use both of their armrests. Okay.

I see that this works. The only way for this to actually function though, is if people accept this as a rule of movie theaters, which I think is going to be a very difficult thing to get into the popular culture. I think we have done a good job starting that. Strongly disagree, Hank. Our podcast has a massive reach among moviegoers. It's already happened. It's done. We did it. Use your right armrest and put your drink in your right armrest, drink holder, and everything is going to be fine. And if somebody doesn't do that, just not rudely, not like don't make a big deal of it,

like we do with the toilet paper over the toilet paper under issue, not just be like, if you don't mind, there is an established etiquette for these things. It was established by Hank and John Green on a podcast in 2015. If you could just use the right hand side because that is the side you have access to your right arm rest. I mean, obviously, if you have a broken arm or something, if there's, you know, disabilities involved, that changes everything. But all things being equal, right arm rest is yours at the movie theater, left arm rest

is your next door neighbor's. I think it is, I think it is now time for another question. This one's from Vicki who asks, dear Hank and John, help! There is a wasp trapped in my dorm room and I am allergic. He's been here a while and we've bonded, so I've named him. I have a sliding glass window, which I usually leave open to the screen to allow airflow, otherwise it gets too hot and stifled in the room. It is very important to note that there are no holes in the screen. I have

now trapped Mr. Wasp between the screen and the glass window. What do I do? Because there is no way for him to get out. Also, is there a way to stun a Wasp without killing it and or getting stun? My... Mr. Wasp and I want the same thing, for him to not be in my room. So I don't feel comfortable with killing him on a moral level because he probably wandered into my room by accident. Help! Um, okay, so I'm gonna level with you here. This is gonna be difficult. I hope that you're seated. Presumably, a week and a half later, everything is just as it was, the wasp is still alive. Still stuck between screen and window, you're gonna have to kill the wasp. I completely disagree. Or you're gonna have to let the wasp die,

which I suspect maybe what has happened in the intervening 10 days because we failed to get to your question in time. Ultimately, it is not your fault that Mr. Wasp died. It is entirely our fault. Right, right, there are two, there are multiple reasons why Mr. Wasp died. It is entirely our fault. Right, right. There are two, there are multiple reasons why Mr. Wasp died. Mr. Wasp died because of us. He died because of you, and he died because death is inevitable.

And Mr. Wasp was going to die no matter what. And possibly just through the act of wandering into your room, it disrupted his potential lifestyle and his eating habits enough that he was bound to die. If Mr. Wasp is still alive by some miracle, just get a person who is not allergic to wasps and who is feeling brave and chivalrous to help you out and be the person who puts the cup over Mr. Wasp

and then slides a piece of paper under the cup and then takes that outside. And I think, but however, I think that if you did kill Mr. Wasp, whether by just leaving it there or just being tired of it and so you got some wasps, spray, and went outside and gave it a little bit of a jolt. I think that that's okay. I think that Mr. Wasp was going to have to die

and it was going to be a sad deathful of suffering, no matter what. And... Hank, it's okay. Having now celebrated the life of Mr. Wasp, I think it's time for us to move on to a new question. This one is from our father, my green, who writes, dear John and Hank, it drives me crazy each week

when I hear Hank start the podcast with, quote, where me and my brother John provide dubious advice and news. One time, Hank said, where my brother and I, and it was music to my ears, I thought it was the beginning of a trend, but apparently I was wrong. Me and my friend seems to be more and more common versus my friend and I.

What is the official position of English grammar enforcers on this important matter, love, dad? Well, dad, I will tell you, as your favorite son, that you are correct. That Hank should not be saying me and my brother, love, dad. Well, dad, I will tell you, as your favorite son, that you are correct. That Hank should not be saying me and my brother John, at least from a strict grammar enforcement perspective, he should be saying my brother John and I. However, you are also, and this pains me to say it incorrect, because grammar exists to make language as clear as possible. There is no other reason why grammar exists. It exists to make language as transparent as possible so that when we are talking to each

other, we are never confused. We are never put in a, we are never put by language in a place of needless ambiguity. And me and my brother, John John is as clear, I think, to the contemporary listener as my brother John and I. In fact, like the me is not going to be confusing to anyone. All it does is trigger something inside of us that says, well, that's a mistake. But if we can put that aside and learn to live with it, which I think we have to, it does not introduce any lack of clarity into the sentence. And therefore, I must reluctantly say that my brother, while technically, grammatically incorrect, is not doing something that I think we need to change.

All right. It's really shocking to me having heard that you talk more than I do on this podcast. Because boy, you really got to the point fast. It did not, you didn't wander around at all, you didn't, you know, it didn't take you any time at all to figure out. But I will, in addition to that, say that I think I'm providing necessary clarity by saying me and my brother John, because the name of the podcast is Dear Hank and John, which it is because of the nature of the universe. And I want to make sure that people know that me is Hank and that I am the first

thing and John is John. He is the second thing. That's that is important, I think. I hate to make you back up. But did you just say that the name of our podcast is Dear Hank and John because that is the nature of the universe? Yes, that's why it's called Dear Hank and John. It is part of the nature of the universe. That's why I come first in the name of the podcast because of the nature of the universe and so I want to make sure that everybody knows that when you write to us, you should be asking Dear Hank and John and the email address is Hank and John at gmail.com. You know, it all has to sort of fall into place. Well, but I came first, though, in the sense that, you know, I literally was born first.

It's dear John and Hank. Our parents have two children, John, their first born child, who presumably would inherit the throne, where they royalty and to Hank, their second born child, who who from what I can tell, via Prince Harry is the one who parties a lot. Yeah, but that is absolutely the case. That does not change the fact that due to the nature

of the universe, the podcast is called Dear Hank and John, the email address is Hank and John. And when I say me and my brother, John, it is because Hank comes first, when in relation to things regarding the podcast. Right, but in relation to things regarding the podcast. Right, but in relation to things regarding life and overall privilege and superiority and whatnot, that's that would be me first.

John and Hank, dear John and Hank. I think that it's important that Hank and John Green look that way, Hank and John Green, for a number of reasons, one being the nature of the universe, and two, being search engine optimization, because people are more likely to Google John Green than Hank Green, due to you being alive long enough to have had considerably more success than me. That is actually the most compelling pro-hank and John argument I have ever heard over John and Hank. You know exactly where to hit me to get what you want Hank, which is to hit me in my

narcissism button. Well, you're search engine optimization button anyway. I just want to say John, this podcast is brought to you by Needless Sibling Bickering. Needless Sibling Bickering. It's apparently hopefully enjoyable to people who are not us. Today's podcast is also brought to you by failing to get to the point, dancing around the point. A John Green strategy for finding ways to talk longer than his brother since 1980.

Uh, this podcast is additionally brought to you by Mr. Wasp. Mr. Wasp, very difficult to say, and almost certainly dead. And lastly, this podcast is actually brought to you by you, our listeners. Oh. We have just started a Patreon campaign for Dear Hank and John. So if you head on over to Patreon, slash, dearpatreon.com slash deerhanknjohn, you can become a patron of this podcast and support it directly. We're going to be doing monthly hangouts where we'll answer your questions live and talk to you about stuff that interests us right before we record the podcast or or possibly right after, depending on what's going on that week. We're doing this instead of a traditional sponsorship package with a sponsor.

I know lots of, that's what most podcasts do, but we're doing this because, well, mostly because we like it better. We like the idea of working for you better than the idea of working for a large corporation. And also because we feel like it's good to have multiple stakeholders instead of just like the one or two advertising sponsors that we have. So that's what we're doing with Dear Hank and John. Of course, you don't have to become a patron.

It's okay if you don't. The podcast will not change for you in any way. It's just that hopefully the podcast will maybe become a little bit better, a little bit richer for those of you who do become patrons over at patreon.com slash deer Hank and John. Did I ramble on too much Hank? You know, you did it. You did the thing. I felt for a moment that maybe it would be better if like we traded off things like you talked for a little bit about one thing and then I talked for a little bit about one thing and then we sounded like we were really in it together

and excited about it, which we are and we are. But it was, yeah, you totally did it. And we didn't prepare that in any way. So of course, it would be very difficult to have actually done that. And I think you did honestly as a brother, a fantastic job and I'm proud of you. Patreon.com slash deer, Hank and John,

or deer, John and Hank. That won't take you to the right Patreon page, but it's just a fun thing to type. Okay, let's do another question. This one's from Kristen who asks, deer, Hank and John, opinions on this World War Three business? Is there World War Three business? I hadn't heard about the World War Three business, John. The Pope says that we are in a kind of World War Three and several other people have said that I don't know what do you think, Hank? Ah, well, I look at World War I and World War II when I think about those, and I feel like

calling this World War III is kind of dishonoring the memory of those events which were horrific beyond anything humans have ever experienced. Like, we gotta remember how bad those things were. And if you think this is anything like how bad that was, then we did not do a good job teaching you history in your school system. Yeah, I mean, so I'm mostly inclined to agree with you. I actually think there was sort of a World War before World War I around,

you know, between like 1846 and 1848, but the only reason that I think that we should start to worry that this looks a little bit like World War III is that the whole world is increasingly drawn up in it. And that these failed states in Libya and Syria, and in a couple other countries, should be of grave concern, also the failed state in Somalia. And we need these places need governments. And the longer they go without governments, the more dangerous it becomes, not just regionally but to the whole world.

But I agree. I don't think that we're in a World War III. And I don't think that that is a helpful way to describe this conflict at all because there's plenty of exaggerating going on, right? There's plenty of hyperbole. There's lots of people trying to turn this into a civilizational conflict, which it's just not. And I don't want to be part of that

because I think history will remember those people as having been very, very bad. Yes. Is that fair to say? I, that is fair to say? That is fair to say. I just want to say that during World War II, 3% of the world's population died. If that happened now, if 3% of the world's population

died right now, it would be around 200 million people, which is just all awful lot. Yes, let us hope that this does not become World War III. I strongly doubt that it will, by the way. I think we have lots of things that keep that from happening. The amazing thing, though, is that the world lost 3% of its populations. Like imagining that if we today had a war in which 200 million

people died, which is two thirds of the population of the US, of course, they would be distributed all across the world, that we could then go on and not have that be something that destroyed earth, something that destroyed humanity. We could go on and, you know, and then have, you know, 60 years of relative prosperity, which is what we have now had after World War II or 70 years. That is remarkable, and I'm proud of it. Good on that generation for coming out of that and doing great things and building a pretty great world for their grandchildren and great-grandchildren who I am among. Yeah, we just got to take care of a lot of the carbon emissions

that they created in that process and we should be fine. Yeah, well, which, yeah, I mean, frankly, I understand that we have been passed down negative impacts due to all of the fantastic things those people did. And I, you know, like looking at that and saying, they only did these nasty things to us. But in fact, they did lots of lovely things. And now when they were kids,

refrigerators were luxury items. And now everyone has one. And isn't that lovely that I can have, like that everyone in America has, you know, running hot water and plumbing. And like these are things that, and that all people can vote who are over 18 and that and that you know everyone like in most in many states everyone who loves

each other can get married which was not a thing and you know we have an integrated society. Yeah yeah I think you're absolutely right and to me when you look at American history you see a slow but fairly consistent march toward more people having more rights. I mean, this country started out with very, very few people being able to vote in our supposed democracy. And these days, you know, there are many more people,

a much larger percentage of the American population can really participate in the democracy. So while there's much to be concerned about, I also think there's much to be hopeful about. I agree. John, I have a question from Maggie. Subject one of this is, I finally know who I am. Thanks BuzzFeed, which I think is the title of an article

that Maggie should write. She says, dear Hank and John, what are your thoughts on our cultural fascination with self-definition via online quizzes, personality inventories, and other such means of pigeon-holding ourselves? Even if it's ostensibly just for fun. And she asks, I just like sort of like deeper, more interesting bits of this, but I just want to sort of leave it at that because it's such a big question. I want to make a series of videos on it. I do find it fascinating how we search out identity and we try to figure out who we are. And it is so difficult for us to do that to know our own self that we go to Buzzfeed.

And as she says, I still find myself wanting to know if I'm pumpkin spice or peppermint mocha. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's particularly new. You know, when I was a child, I remember taking those quizzes in YM magazine or in 17 magazine and they were the exact same quizzes that were trying to do the exact same things. Like, you know, try to help me understand who I am,

you know, through these silly quizzes. I also used to take them in Cosmopolitan magazine, which one of our mom's friends subscribed to, and they had a lot of sex tips, so it was the closest thing that I had to, like what women think about sex, which in retrospect, not particularly useful, Cosmopolitan magazine, but I would take those quizzes,

and even though they were for adult women in their early 30s trying to figure out like what kind of man they want it I would be like I wonder what kind of man I want and and I found them like tremendously helpful and interesting so I I find I find it hard to criticize those quizzes because I think that like trying to figure out who you are Whether it's a pumpkin spice latte or your Myers-Briggs type whatever it is like all think that like trying to figure out who you are, whether it's a pumpkin spice latte, or your Myers-Briggs type, whatever it is, like all of that stuff is part of a process of like trying to understand yourself in this context of knowing that there are six billion other humans out there

who are just as human as you are. I like the fact that there are six billion other humans because apparently you are one billion humans. Are there seven billion humans? Sorry, there are more than seven billion humans. We just keep making them. We do, it's what's the one thing we're real good at. It's very interesting to me that we know

how many people there are on Earth. It's such a difficult logistical problem to have been able to overcome. But anyway, my answer is roughly the same. The only thing that I will say to people who are trying to define themselves, whether based on quizzes or based on, you know, like sort of the types that we assign, whether that's introvert or extrovert or, you know, all the Myers-Briggs types, I'd say that in my life, I have changed myself many times and I have found that who I am relates much more to who I think I am than to who I am.

And I find it not difficult, and I don't know if I'm unusual in this, but I find it not difficult to be different from me one day later, you know, and certainly one year or 10 years later. And I'm very glad that I am not stuck in one self and I am constantly excited to be a different person sometimes and to try different things and to not do things that I feel like, that's not a thing that Hank Green would do. That does not seem like a Hank Green thing, and then to do that thing, and to be like,

well, maybe Hank Green isn't too I thought he was, and to not be constrained by our perception of ourselves. Oh my God, it's burning! It's trying to help you out. Yep, I'm not cooking anything right now, but I'm sure someone is. Check the oven you guys, is your burner still on? Does your dog need a walk? Don't get too caught up into your Hank and John, are you waiting at the gate at the airport

and maybe have forgotten you in fact need to get on the airplane? Go now! Hank, we have a very important question from Talia. This is one that only you can answer. It's really in your whale. I was gonna say wheelhouse, but for some reason it came out whale house. This one is really, really in your whale house, Hank. It is right where your whales live.

How did you know about my whale house? That was supposed to be a secret. All right, Hank, this question's from Talia. Our hot dogs sandwiches? Well, you know, John, the fact that you are asking this question makes me think that you do not listen to enough podcasts. This is one of the legendary questions of the Judge John Hodgman podcast,

where he goes into deeply into whether hot dogs are sandwiches and his conclusion, John Hodgman's conclusion, and I am absolutely enthusiastic to adopt his stance on this, is that Hot Dogs are not Sandwiches. And why they are not Sandwiches? Frankly, I don't care that much because John Hodgman said they are not, if you would like to hear his reasoning,

you can go listening to that, you can go listen to that episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, which is a lovely, wonderful podcast that I would say is about 10% funnier than Dear Hank and John. But they do not talk about death as much as we do, so we have that on that. Speaking of which, Hank, it is time to get to the news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Would you like to begin this week with the news from Mars or should we go straight and AFC Wimbledon. Would you like to begin this week with the news from Mars or should we go straight to AFC Wimbledon? Let's go to AFC Wimbledon first

so I can finish out the news for once. Okay, so Hank, let me ask you to do a thought experiment and also everyone listening right now. Obviously, don't close your eyes if you're driving or whatever, but close your eyes, Hank, you close your eyes. Close your eyes of here in a place where you safely can. And what do you see when you close your eyes?

Ah, like little green sparkles. Okay, now I want you to imagine that you are deep inside the world's deepest cave, which as I recall is in Vietnam, you're deep, you're 5,000 feet down in the world's deepest cave and you've got your eyes closed, you've got your lamp off,

you are in what is called cave darkness. I want you to open your eyes right now, deep inside that cave, tell me what you see. I see nothing and it is so intensely nothing that it feels like a sensation on the back of my eyes. Hank, right now, you are in the very same darkness that AFC Wimbledon is in. Ah, no!

Yesterday, as I am recording this podcast last week, as you are listening to it, AFC Wimbledon lost to DAG and Red. DAG and Red, who were in the relegation zone in 23rd place. Ah, they lost to DAG and Red at home at Kingsmeadow, 1-0, an 80th minute goal from a goalkeeper mistake resulted in a DAG and Red goal. And I mean, this is not just the kind of game

that we can't lose, it's the kind of game that we can't tie. Now, despite, and the game before that was a draw, and despite these recent disappointments and the cave darkness that surrounds us, we remain in 11th place. Just three points out of sixth and sixth is it would be high enough to go to the playoffs to get at least have a chance to get promoted up to League 1. However, that result is very worrisome.

The fact that we couldn't score a goal against Daegan Red, the fact that we couldn't keep a clean sheet against Daegan Red, both of these things, very, very worrisome. However, wonderful news if you are a Daegan Red as you are now out of the relegation zone putting York City and Yoville town down there in the bottom two that would go down be the way it would be demoted out of the football league entirely into the conference and when you're demoted out of the football league

it can and often does mean that you cease to be a full-time professional team. So of course nobody wants that. But AFC Wimbledon still in a leaventh despite two, not good results. 19 games in to a 46 game season. We are in 11. Well, it doesn't hurt more to lose to those teams. It's the same number of points lost or not gained or whatever. It's not like that you lose to a really bad team and you lose more points somehow. That's true. It's just much harder to win against the very good teams. So you would like

to win against the bad teams. Right. So you should be winning. Yes. If you're going to be playing bad teams, you really got to score those points when you can. I guess that makes that right. Because we still have a lot of games against the teams at the top of the If you're going to be playing bad teams, you really got to score those points when you can. I guess that makes sense. Right. Because we still have a lot of games against the teams at the top of the table, the likes of Plymouth and Oxford and Akrington Stanley. That's too bad. That's too bad. All right.

Well, in Mars News, we have... It's always so hard to pick the Mars News, but this year, this year, this day, I'm going to tell you that Buzz Aldrin was recently giving a speech and he let loose some news that John F. Kennedy when talking to people about About the next step in the space race Wanted that next step instead of going to the moon to be going to Mars and he went to MIT And he talked to a bunch of smart people and he said I want you to tell me whether or not we can go to Mars and he went to MIT and he talked to a bunch of smart people and he said,

I want you to tell me whether or not we can go to Mars. Like, I want you to tell me how we can get Americans on the surface of Mars in the next, you know, like short term, like 15 months or something, you know, not 15 months fast. And... Wouldn't we have to leave in like a week? Yes, sooner than that. That's negative time. So he went to those engineers and they asked them to figure it out and they came back to the president of the United States, John F. Kennedy and said, no, we can't do that. It is according to Buzz Aldrin, they said, it's just a little too far to go, which is an

interesting thing. Like, you know, the reason why Mars is where Mars is has a little bit to do with how the solar system was formed, but also a little bit to do with randomness. And Mars could be closer, it could be, you know, Earth could be smaller, there could be a number of different things that would make it a lot easier to get to Mars, but they are not that way. And so the reason we can't get to Mars has a lot to do with just the randomness of how the solar system formed,

or that we haven't gotten to Mars yet, not that we can't get to Mars. Of course we can, and we will. But in 1969, yeah, John F. Kennedy wanted to go to Mars and a bunch of smart people told him instead that the moon was a more realistic goal and we should go for that.

And of course, we were able to accomplish that and that is fantastic and wonderful. You said 1959, right? I said 69. Well, John F. Kennedy had been deceased for some time in 1969. Sorry, that is when they wanted to get there. Ah, that seems more reasonable.

That's it. Suddenly, suddenly I felt that I had glimpsed perhaps the greatest conspiracy in American history and Hank had uncovered it. Yeah, sorry about that. Thanks for being the history buff, who knows things like when presidents died. That's okay, thanks for being a guy who knows how to spell hygienist. Well, I can be that person for you, John. Thanks. So Hank, what did we learn today?

Uh, we learned that if you want to make out with your roommate and your roommate wants to make out with you, then that is a thing that you should just do. Well, at least in the opinion of two people who give extremely dubious advice. Yeah, indeed, exactly. We also learned that the Earth could be smaller or Mars could be closer, but it isn't. And it isn't. It isn't. Does that's something that you learned

that things could be? I mean, I kind of learned it. It's never occurred to me that the Earth could be smaller. Yeah, it's very interesting to, like, it could be, like, that, you know, like, the way that stuff got distributed, that Mars would have been bigger than Earth. Like, it's very, it's very interesting. Mars is weird.

Mars is weird. It's super interesting, John. Anyway, sorry, I get excited about things, and I cannot articulate why. And so I say things like Mars is weird. And I smile widely while saying it, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Cute.

Cute. How is it that I talk more than you on this podcast? Yeah. Well, I'm trying to make it even. That's how I'm doing my best to talk more. We'll see. We'll see. People are going to have to tell us if I caught up with you

or indeed surpassed you in this week's podcast. But we also learned that the proposal of marriage is not necessarily something that should be a surprise. In fact, it may be something that should be talked about a little bit before a thing that happens. And we learned that. Especially what? Nothing.

I was gonna say, especially if you do a sports game or something. Just don't do that. Don't- Not with all those people staring. And of course, we learned that if you are in the middle seat, both armrests are yours by law and by right. And that if you are in a movie theater, we are instituting a policy where everybody,

all things being equal, gets the right hand armrest. Except for the person on the left-hand side who gets two armrests. where everybody, all things being equal, gets the right hand arm rest. Except for the person on the left hand side who gets two arm rests, whoo! Congratulations, person on the left aisle! We're gonna, in 2045, we're gonna go into a movie theater and, and the first seat that will be taken in every movie theater in America will be down the left hand side. And that will be something that we did. Oh, I hope it ends up on my tombstone, Hank, in the meantime. I hope that everyone had a happy Thanksgiving, including you, Hank.

I wish that we were spending it together, but instead we are spending it apart. You can email us your questions at HankandJohn at gmail.com. You can also ask us questions on the Twitter's hashtag deerhankandjohn. You can follow us on Twitter. I'm at John Greenhank. Is it a Hank Green again? Our Patreon, if you want to support this podcast,

you can do so via Patreon, voluntary subscription service, this is some good perks. Patreon.com slash deerhankandjohn. It's very important to Hank that you know his Snapchat. It's Hank. My Snapchat is Hank GRE. Hank GRE. And yeah, I, I, I, uh, I think that you're missing out.

That's all I'm saying is I think you're missing out if you're not following me on snapchat. I'm not saying that like, boy, I want so much snapchat followers. There's nothing that I want more than that. It's like, it's something that I'm doing for you. People of the listening. Um, speaking of which Hank, could you share with them that I also have a Snapchat?

Yeah, but you don't use it. I use it sometimes. I never see your story. I don't know, maybe I don't look enough. Well, no, just tell them what my Snapchat is, it's fine. Your Snapchat is... John Green snaps. How did you know that?

I thought you would know. Yes. Yes. It just occurred to me that it couldn't be John Green. And then I was like, but it's John Green something. And then I remember it. It's John Green Snaps, which also I learned way after coming up with the username is John Green's Naps.

John Green's Naps. Ha ha ha ha ha. You just uploaded yourself napping the Snapchat. That would be amazing. John Green's Naps. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Don't forget to be awesome.