Dear Hank & John - 376: Death of the Dad Joke

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

Do my pets have better circulation than me? What's the organizational structure of an anarchy club? What are your hiatus T-Swift thoughts? How do I return a key to someone I don't talk to anymore? Why does a boiled egg feel less than a fried egg? Hank and John Green have answers! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [e-mail] us for monthly livestreams at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn.Follow us on Twitter! twitter.com/dearhankandjohn

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Listen now to Planet Money from NPR, wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John. Where's I prefer to think of it Dear John and Hank? It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you to be advice and bring you all the weeks news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, I have a question for you. Yeah, great. I love questions. How much, how much, how many like holes in your Swiss cheese,

would there have to be before you were like, actually, this is kind of a rip off? Well, as it happens, I don't like Swiss cheese because I feel like it's kind of a rip off. Is it, is it, you're like, that's a lot of air I'm buying. Yeah, no, like if I buy a cheddar, every other cheese has figured this problem out. Yeah, more cheese for my cheese.

And Swiss cheese is like, what if? Yeah, they're using it as a selling point. It's like if I bought a burger and they were like, oh, it's got a bunch of holes in it. That makes it fancy. It's fancy, a fancy kind of beef you can't get without holes in it. Yeah, Swiss beef. Yeah, but I mean, Swiss beef, but I'd be like, I don't want the holes. I want a burger.

Yeah. If I wanted to eat air, wait, is this the new thing where you ask me a question and it's not a dad joke? I'm waiting for the punch line, but what if there is no punch line? Maybe this is the new bit. There's no punch line. No, this is amazing.

I love this. I'm legitimately, because I just had a slice of sweet cheese and I was like, that's, this was a lot of holes. Like that's, there's not a lot of cheese happening right now. Yeah, it's like, is this like a diet strategy?

Is it like diet cheese word instead of the I think that's pertain? No, no, no, no. Use air. We use air. No, I don't think that's, I don't think there's such a thing as diet cheese man. You were cowards.

You were cheese, man. You were cheese. Yeah. Oh, Hank, I love the way you look at the world. Just as like, like just a pure value transaction, I want more cheese per cheese. No, you just kind of look at it a little bit of scans, like the rest of us are looking at it head on and you're like a little bit off to the left. So you see things differently. We're off

to the right. I'm not trying to alienate any of our politically inclined listeners. We could we could alienate some of them. It's fine. Oh, well, I've had a great week. I've got the depression. Yeah, I've heard. And yeah, you know, but they don't know. And it's, I mean, just the worst. Well, I don't want to say it's the worst. I'm sure there are worse things in the world, but there's no worse things in my. Talking right there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Actually, the bad way I feel isn't that important. Isn't it? Yeah, I just got a couple of other people's bad. Yeah, I just got a phone with my psychiatrist and he was like, it sounds like you're using that

as a weapon to attack yourself. And I was like, I don't really have time for this metaphor crap that you do. I don't really have time for you to understand what I'm doing better than I understand it myself, sir. That's right. Or metam. That's right. Yeah, so I apologize in advance, but I'm not very funny. Um,

but I'm not very funny right now. And also like I just, I don't want to go over the top, but I just kind of suck in general. Um, and I'm kind of, I actually was thinking that just before the call, I was like my brother John, he's not very funny and he sucks in general. It's kind of miserable to be around right now. Trust me, I have to be around myself 24 hours a day, but it will pass. It will get better. This isn't permanent, you know, like, I thought I was serious, you guys. Oh, I didn't think you were serious.

No, thank you for clarifying. No, just in case I would have, because it's not out of the question. It's not out of the question. It's not out of the question. But yeah, it's I feel like a lot of times like when we talk about mental health we only show our scars, you know never our open wounds and like sometimes that can make people feel like oh well that guy like is functioning so well despite his mental health problems and I function so poorly. I just want everybody to know I'm functioning very poorly. You got on the phone though, John, which is.

Yeah, yeah. I loaded up the document, it's got the questions in it. I haven't really read them, but I'm ready. I'm ready for this hour of fun. What? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This. Do you want to have some fun, John? Where did this put the holes that they take out of the Swiss cheese? Did they just melt it down and make more cheese? No, it's not how it works.

Carve holes out of it. You know that. You know that. You're just trying to make me laugh. Forget you. Let's answer some questions from our listeners. They feed it to the, to the, to the, to the, to the, to the, works. Carfuls out of it. You know that. You know that. You're just trying to make me laugh. Forget you. Let's answer some questions from our listeners. They feed it to the pigs.

Dear John and Hank, the other day I was feeling tired. So I lay on the ground with my legs resting upward against a wall. Uh-huh. That's nice. That's a nice feeling. I remember seeing someone put into this position after they'd fainted, and I believe it was in an attempt to get more oxygen to their brain, which got me to thinking about the role of gravity in our bipedal evolution. I have four guinea pigs whose bodies are very close to the ground.

Does that mean they have better circulation than I do, measuring my BPM, Jen? Well, you know, it means they have easier circulation than you. Yeah, their heart doesn't have to do as much work, but I wouldn't say it's necessarily better. Yeah, yeah, because like we evolved to be able to be the way that we are. For example, giraffes are way more like that than we are, right?

So like they're their heads all the way up there. And look, it's not doing as much as our heads doing. They do seem to sort of travel at like one tenth brain speed. Not that they're not smart, they just have, they're just smart more slowly than other animals maybe. They just move, they're very smart, it turns out. But like giraffe researchers I have talked to, do say that they take the under,

I'm gonna take the under on very smart. I don't think they know how far apart the stars are. No, okay. Yeah, they don't, they don't, they, they, I'm not even sure they know about the stars. But they probably, I don't think I can teach them, you know? Like I don't think I could say like, hey, look up there, you know what that is? That's a star, bro. Yeah, but like as far as things that are important to giraffe, like living, they're pretty good at all that stuff.

And I'm not going to say a giraffe or dummies. Okay. I'm just going like living, they're pretty good at all that stuff. And I'm not gonna say a giraffe, sir, dummies. Okay, I'm just gonna say that they're smart more slowly. Okay, great, I love that. Because, and because it's hard to get blood all the way up there, but they do got there. They do a lot of important work up in the brain, and they have, you know, as you might expect, gigantic hearts and very thick,

walled blood vessels. And like if you put the heart of a giraffe inside of a guinea pig, it would explode the guinea pig. Because like literally, because that said that you got two things, needing different things. I also feel like the heart of a giraffe might be larger than a guinea pig.

So I feel like that also might result in an explosion. Yeah, if you put a heart, the size of a guinea pig's heart, but the strength of a giraffe heart inside of a guinea pig, it would explode. What a bad science that would be. Like, you know what I mean? We did it every month, we thought of a big giraffe-powered heart

the size of a guinea pig's heart. Why? If I read that, you'd be like, well, that was just mean. And it accomplished very little. Like it confirmed a very small theory that was put forth on a podcast. I am not worried about humans much more so than I was before. Exactly. Yeah. No, we need to be way less smart. Way less smart. We need to think so much less. I wanted to ask you a question that we got Hank I think it's a really important question. So I wanted to put it near the beginning of the show. It's from Dryden Uh-huh, and he says dear John and Hank. I'm a graduate student doing master's studies in theology and philosophy

Well, that's that's what they call the um um, billionaire bundle. Thank you. Perfect. So much better. So much better than what I was going to say, the billionaire bundle. The billionaire bundle. I'm a graduate student studying theology and philosophy, the billionaire bundle. A group of classmates and I recently started bonding over a shared interest in anarchism as a political philosophy. And we decided to start a reading and discussion group

around the topic, a sort of anarchism club, if you will. But a problem has emerged, which is that our club hasn't really gotten off the ground because none of us have really taken initiative to take leadership of it, which is a problem that I maybe should have foreseen when I tried to start an anarchism club. So my question is, how do I take charge and get this anarchism club moving forward without

violating the very principle of anarchism itself, not a wet office dry den? With humor like that, who wouldn't show up to that, if, yeah. I don't think it's necessarily like violating the spirit of anarchism to put some posters out and call your friends and say anarchism club meets Wednesday at 5 p.m. Yeah, I don't, yeah.

I mean, I don't think that the idea is that nobody is in charge of anything, but like, I don't know. No, bro, that is literally the idea. Why am I saying bro so much today? I don't know. What's great. I am your bro. No, I don't know why I'm saying it though. Maybe it's because I'm wearing a hat.

Sometimes when I wear a hat, I feel more like the guy who says the word bro. Yeah. Well, maybe you just are becoming the guy who says the word bro more. I used to phrase AF in a text to you earlier today or yesterday. I was gonna say, I don't think you've texted me today, but you texted me like 300 times yesterday. And I was like, I guess that's me now. That's me. I just AF. I guess that's me now. That's me. I just AF. That's that.

I still say AF. I still say as space F, which is super embarrassing. Right. Well, that is more the thing to do for a man of our generation. Yeah, stature. So nobody can be in, well, I don't know. I don't know. The anarchism club, my definition, cannot have a president.

Okay. The anarchism club can't have a president. The anarchism club has to happen, uh, somewhat spontaneously, and that happens when there's pizza. Yeah, that's good. Exactly. The anarchism club can have contributors, right? Right.

So you can contribute a pizza to the lounge. Yeah. And you say there's people. Pizza 5 PM on Wednesdays. And you come on, and it's a pizza, and the anarchist. And the anarchist. And the pizza. Because that's easy.

It's a circle already. That's a great point, Hank. And you could say, hey, Domino's, can you play down the peperonis in an A with like a long slash in the middle? And you know what they'll be like? They'll be like, like the Avengers? Yes. Like, who didn't have a leader?

Maybe the real anarchists were the Avengers all along. Yeah. Yeah. That's when I, one thing I think when I watch the Avengers movies is, wow, these sure are politically enlightened. Yeah. They really look, they do sometimes not like the government and do it their own way, which people do like that storyline. Yeah. Also, they do celebrate one of their greatest members, the arms dealer. Yeah. It's a weird. It is a little weird. Weird mythology. It is a little weird, but then

again, like, I don't know, man. I mean, nothing, nothing makes much sense right now. Nothing makes much sense. Go, go, go, go on to the next one. The billionaire bundle was a, was a all time dear Hank and John joke. Okay. This next question comes from Dom who asks dear Hank and John, how long after landed on Mars,

do you think it would take to get bored? For Dom. Great question. Because you know how like, so I have this, I have this theory remember how mom and dad when they moved to the mountains of rural North Carolina They had that ridiculously good view of like the mountain range Yeah, yeah, and they would sit out on the porch and look at the mountains Mm-hmm Now that view for me never totally got old

I also never lived there right and so Now, that view for me never totally got old. I also never lived there. Right. And so, and like after being there for a few days, I would notice that I would have all of the same problems that I had anyway, you know? Yeah. But with a beautiful view, this is my theory

if I move to the Bahamas or something. Like, I would still be me, you know? So I would just be like sad on a, so I would just be sad on a beach, instead of sad on a river. Yeah, yeah, there's this study that pops up all the time that people who live closer to the ocean, and there's a gradient like the closer you get to the ocean, the happier you are.

And I'm like, I think the closer you get to the ocean, the more money you have. And I'm like, I think the closer you get to the ocean, the more money you have. Maybe. That seems like a pretty distinct correlation. Like if you're on the beach, you're doing okay. I don't know, buddy. I see early on as an incredibly beautiful beach. And the study was of people in the UK. So the UK. Yes. There's beaches. I've been all over the ocean. I've been all over that.

There's Brighton. There's not a lot of beaches. I don't know. I don't know about Brighton. People in Brighton are happy. That's the theory. I don't remember. I could look it up, but I'm not going to.

It was you. Now, I don't want to. Now look it up, but I'm not going to. It was you. Now, I don't wanna, now, I think this is a great correlation versus causation thing, Hank, but I think you're wrong about the correlation. I think it's that people are happier. The further in the United Kingdom, the further they get away from Milton Keynes, which as it happens, just is also means

that you're closer to the ocean. Yeah, that's great. That must be it. God, I hate milking keens. It's so weird to me that London is kind of a port city. Kind of, yeah. I mean, it was like really far inland. Well, but it's got a big old river. I mean, that river is a big old river. Yeah, it's a city and it's a type of a city style. Yeah. Yeah. It comes up. It comes down. Yeah. You don't want to drink the water too much. You don't want to drink the water at all. Well, of the temps. Yeah. Don't do that. I don't know. What if you need to go,

what if you're really constipated? Get a life straw. Get a life straw. That's good advice. Don't drink the water from the temps. I was trying to make a joke. I'm sorry that it didn't come across. It came across for me. But we have to fight, John, in order for it to be, this is what I'm learning from, from Frankie and Joey of the basement yard. We've got to fight more.

Yeah, no, we need to be more like the basement yard. That's all, I get that feedback a lot. People come up to me and they'll say, I like your podcast. I just wish it was more like the basement yard. I bet they, I bet, I bet people listen to this right now and they're like, oh my God, I do love the basement yard. Well, that's fine, but they don't want us to.

We should trade episodes once. We should not, we should not. Why are we talking about water? I don't know, man. I'm, I think I would, because you were talking about mom's porch. Yeah, oh I remember um the point is that no matter where you are you can get bored and if you're at Mars I think it would take like I think on the second day. Once you're you got your board once you got all your stuff there you'd be like you'd be reading a book or something, and the internet sucks on Mars. We know that from the curious question.

I know exactly how bored I would get if there was TikTok, which is not at all. Yeah, but there isn't. But the internet sucks there. Yeah, so if I haven't like preloaded my phone with all of TikTok, then I got a problem. But here's a product idea for you, John. Sign up $2 a month.

You get TikTok from 2020. I like that actually. Well, my initial thought was the idea of downloading TikTok is of course absurd and hilarious, except it isn't actually. You could totally download TikTok. It's just that you would eventually get to the end of it, which is sort of a lovely, lovely thought.

Like my whole problem with TikTok is that there's no risk of getting to the end of it, right? It's a infinitely renewable resource. If I was like, well, there's only so many TikToks left to watch and my free e-page is going to get a little bit worse every day because it'll get a little bit further away from what I actually want to see until I've seen the last TikTok.

Then I might be a little more judicious in my TikTok spending. That's true. It's true. But yeah, I think I wouldn't get bored on Mars for a pretty long time. You got to be inside in the dark a lot. That's the thing you got to remember about like the moon landings is they were a lot of the time, sleeping in their fart bags inside of us. We got to ask Buzz Aldrin if he got bored on the moon.

You know, I bet Buzz didn't because he wasn't actually there for very long, but the leader missions, they were there for like much longer. And I bet there were moments where they were like, this is still happening. Yeah. Or you just have to remind yourself to be grateful you have to be like,

oh right, I'm on the moon. I am on the moon. It is I'm sleeping in a far back at a tin can, but also gravity Yeah, yeah, could be worse. Yeah There's your answer. There's your answer. I don't know. I think humans are supposed to get bored We should be bored more and And we should be very bored. I've always wanted to write an anthropocene review to essay about boredom that begins with two words. Boredom was as a way of trying to like anthropologically

study boredom, which was just a phenomenon that used to exist and ended like slowly beginning around 2010 and then entirely in 2019. Mm-hmm. It's pretty weird how boredom has fundamentally shifted. Yeah. Certainly, there is still things like it. This next question isn't really a question.

It's an order from Jordan who says, dear John and Hank, I'm so excited to have you back. If you feel like it, I'd like to hear every thought you've had about Taylor Swift during the hiatus. I think you should devote a whole episode to her, but that's your call, of course. Love Jordan. I think that's not, I think that we should not answer this question and then next week we should do a Taylor Swiftacular. Great, I think that's not, I think that we should not answer this question. And then next week, we should do a Taylor Swift pack, Swiftacular. Great. I love that idea. And share all of

our thoughts that we've had about it. Because I have an hour, I have an hour of thoughts, for sure. Yeah. And I like, I think that, you know, we, we don't have a ton of, I mean, I'm not, I don't think a lot about Taylor Swift music. I think a lot about Taylor Swift the institution. I think a lot about Taylor Swift, the institution. I think a lot about Taylor Swift's music because nothing else ever plays in this house. All right, Hank, here's another question. It's from Emily who writes, Dear John and Hank, I lived with my friends' family for a couple summers a few years ago. We don't speak anymore, but I still have the key to their house. What should I do with it? Make it into a sculpture. Mail it back to them with no return address. Doobie's advice appreciated communication is key, Emily.

I think that it's good to have the key where the key should be. I think you can mail it back with a return address. Well, I don't know if I got the feeling that maybe they don't talk, like they don't talk. Mm, there was an effect. We don't speak anymore. There was a rupture.

Oh, okay. We don't speak anymore. Yeah, we don't speak anymore. It's different than We don't speak anymore. There was a rupture. We don't speak anymore. We don't speak anymore. Yeah, we don't speak anymore. It's different than we don't talk anymore. We don't talk anymore. It's like, oh, you know, like things happen. If it's we don't talk anymore, then what I would say is like Emily should maybe just use the key to go into the house when she knows that nobody's there and then just like sit

on the couch and watch a baseball game. And then when people come home, be like, hey, it's me, Emily, remember from a couple of summers ago. Don't do that. My, one of my best friends from high school did that. Once I came home from work one day and even though he lived in Georgia, and I had no expectation of seeing him, he was sitting on my couch eating raisin brand,

watching the Chicago Cubs play on television. And I was like, Hey, Clem, and he was like, he was like, Hey, man, how's it going? And I was like, okay, what, which law enforcement agency are you hiding from? What's going on, man? And he was like, Oh, I don't know. Like I was just, I was in Chicago and I heard you lived here. Well, I do, fortunately. But he has a key. How did he get in? Oh, we kept our, it's funny you should ask Hank.

We kept our, we're none of us had a key. I had a house like that once. It had a bigger door. It. It had a weird door. It was hard to find. The door was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we kept the front window open and we came in and out of a very large front window every day.

Oh, that got weirder than I expected it to get. Yeah. So people are sometimes like, why do people always go in and out of windows in your books? And I'm always like, whoa. Because it's a people, people do their thing. It's true to college, right?

Common way to leave home. Okay. Okay. That's different from my, and well, here's what I'll say, Emily, if you live nearby, it is good to have a just in case place.

That's such bad advice. That's where potentially things are really falling down around you. You've done a big crime and you need to to hide and you gotta go live in the walls of your old house. Sure, no, Hank, I 100% agree with you that you need a safe house, right? I assume you have a safe house. That's why, yeah, it's just in case place.

Safe house makes you think it's such a big thing. I have a just in case place, it's under the floor of the old office building that my office used to be and where I know There's a trap door where I can do and hide if I need to that's just a just in case place. Don't first off Don't reveal you're just in case place Second off you have reached a point in your life where you can buy a proper safe house that you leave empty 99% of the time No, no about it. Who's they?

Them. How will they know about it? The records. No, you buy it under the name of a nonsense corporation called gray, gray, gray, gang, LLC. No, you guys, it's called 50 shades of gray investments. So people are like, I definitely don't want to go there. That's, don't wanna go there. That's what you go.

Don't go to that one, you guys. When your life falls apart, you go to your safe house. Absolutely. And it's a tiny little space. It's a tiny little place in Speedway, Indiana, or something. You don't have a safe house.

It's a one bedroom, one bath, house and speedway, or somewhere else. Yeah. It's just a case place. It's just a key that you happen to have. I can't believe you came up with the billionaire bundle. It's so funny. Okay, thank you. Theology and philosophy is the billionaire bundle. Do you think there's a billionaire on earth who studied theology and philosophy?

Like, I'm sure there are billionaires who studied one of the other. But they inherited, you know. But even, no, they couldn't have. That's a big inheritance. It is a big inheritance. And also, people who inherit that much are better served by not thinking too much. So they don't want to be philosophers.

Are you kidding? I wouldn't want to be. I can barely handle being, I can barely handle reading philosophy in my situation. Yeah. And I'm just a guy who's had some success and owns a Safe House in Speedway, Indiana. Oh my God.

I love your Speedway house. Mine's just a racks and it's, you wouldn't believe it, but it is this whole time. People keep saying by the way, they're like, oh, you know, you can't afford a house these days. If you're Gen Z, you make X, you can't, you know, you're used to be that you could buy a house for three times your income. Yeah. And now a house costs 20 times your income. Yeah.

And I'm like, y'all need to go to Speedway. I thought you were going to say, y'all need to buy a rack. Y'all need to start a fast food franchise from the 90s. And you'll be able to afford a house no problem. The money will come rolling in. You'll be swimming in it. You'll be Scrooge McDuckin. Scrooge McDuckin in the roast beef.

This next question comes from Faith. Oh god, that's gross. Who has a very conjon. I'm making a couple of boiled eggs to put on my ramen instead of frying like I normally do and for some reason It feels like I'm not adding as much food to it as a normally would I know it's the same amount of food But why does it feel like a single boiled egg is less food than a single fried egg pumpkin's and penguins faith cuz it is What? Cuz it is no because you fry eggs and butter my friend well

I mean that's gonna be like half of the calories Because you fry eggs and butter, my friend. Well, I mean, that's going to be like half of the calories of your fried eggs. It's butter. It depends. First off, not everybody does butter, right? Well, you can't fry, you can't fry an egg in nothing. You can, you can fry it in Pam and get the get get get a nice little not a fried egg. Okay. What's the first word of the dish called, John? Fried. It's a fried egg. Okay, you're right. You can scramble an egg in Pam. I think that it's not about that.

I don't think it's the amount. I understand what you mean that like, you're getting more energy from a fried egg than from a hard boiled egg. But what I would say is that I think it's the breadth and width of the egg that makes it feel more extensive. I agree with you.

I agree, and I feel the same way, and when I eat a hard boiled egg, I'm like, that was nothing. That was not a lot of food, and it isn't. It's like 70 calories. It's not nothing, but you got to, it's not a meal. You got to have like eight of them. When I eat, when I eat a hard boiled egg, my main feeling is like,

I can't believe body builders do this regularly. I love a hard boiled egg. I just, I can't have like more than two. No, I mean, I'm happy to have one occasionally, but I don't wake up every morning and think like, God, I really want two hard boiled eggs to start my day with. I don't think that's what I really want, but I absolutely think I could do that every day.

Not me. Fried egg, 135 calories, boiled egg, 80 calories. God, this is like the 17th time you've mentioned calories today. It's just a- Because that's what food is. I know, I know. It's just, well, it's also other things. It's energy and there's other vitamins.

There's other vitamins. That's true. You know? But in terms of the stuff that makes you feel satiated, calorie is the amount of energy and the food is a big part of it. So I think that there actually is that. But I also think the form factor matters, where you've got like this thing and you slice it and too and you're like, that's not a lot. And you got this thing that like covers the whole bowl. It doesn't feel like more food.

Okay, Hank, I think we've answered that question. So it's time to have a discussion. Oh, okay. Should we continue to do the fake sponsorships? Oh. Is that a thing of the past? Do we need to liberate ourselves from the old bits to make way for the new bits? You know, I think that like those fake sponsorships are funny, but like, there's a reality that once you've done a joke for hundred times,

it's not as good. That's what I'm saying. It's part of me and it's like, it's not a joke. It's a chance to make jokes, but because the chance to make jokes is a joke, the joke that is the chance to make jokes isn't funny anymore, which is less for a pressure. It's less for a pressure on the jokes that you fit inside of it. Right. Exactly. And often they're not that funny.

Right. So the format is no longer funny, which means the jokes inside the format have to be extraordinary. And I'm just gonna level with you. And maybe this is my, you know, slightly depressed brain talking, but like I don't think they've been funny.

I think maybe they have, but like I do like, I do like a callback reference. Yeah, I do too. So that's what I, so I, but I did that callback of the billionaire bundle. You did. Because I was like, we don't have to do that during a sponsorship necessarily.

We can just do it in a quiet moment. Yeah, yeah, and be like, gosh, we have a good time here, don't we? Okay. Okay. Okay. It's our new segment. It's called, we have a good time here, don't we?

That reminds me, I used to have a friend, we don't talk anymore, or we don't speak anymore to call him away. I used to have a friend who would always say, this is really fun, isn't it? And I'd be like, well, I mean, it was, wasn't until you pointed it out. Now it's a little weird.

Now we're outside of the moment, looking at it. And not only that, it's not that fun, because if it was that fun, we wouldn't be in a position to say this is really fun. We would be having the fun, not looking at the fun from a distance. This is not why we don't speak anymore. So we're not doing fake sponsors, but we are doing real sponsors. Do you know that an estimated five billion plastic hand soap and cleansing bottles are thrown away each year? And if that's not bad enough,

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slash deerhank. That's rocketmoney.com slash deerhank. One more time rocketmoney.com slash deerhank. One more time, rocketmoney.com slash deerhank. But anyway, we got a project for awesome message from Rachel who says to Rachel Sarah's and the other names, be sure to pluralize Rachel's and Sarah's, please, I assume that was for me, but maybe it was for the world. At the start of the pandemic, we created a group to help each other out in animal crossing.

Three years later, we've grown together and I consider you to be my closest friends and I love sharing our passions, clowning and supporting each other every single day. I love you all so so much and I can't wait to meet up with most of you throughout this year, DFTBA. That's so lovely, Rachel. It is so. So to Rachel's Sarah's and the other names everywhere, please feel that love. Feel that love and go, Scro screw to McDuck and some roast beef. Ooh, that's so gross. I'll be honest with you Hank,

I'm a little worried about this racks commitment. Like, I don't know how we're gonna get to racks and it seems like one of the racks is closing. Yeah. I don't wanna get into too dark of a head space, but like a bunch of ash trees are dying and the racks is closing and it just feels like, and also like the rest of the world is

in collapse. Even outside of Iraq's, it's Iraq's in the Ash trees like things are really horrible. And I'm concerned that we're never going to go to Iraq's. Yeah, I think we can make it work if we have to. Or if we want to, I should say. Yeah, I mean, I want to go to Iraq's. I would probably like the project for awesome perk. mean, I want to go to racks. I would probably, It's a project for awesome perk. We promised that we would go to racks, but we didn't know you were going to get cancer.

Yeah, here's the thing, John. Yeah. I think this is important. We have obligated ourselves to go to racks, and that's one piece of this equation. Right. And then there's like the, these two brothers want to experience this thing

from their youth together thing. And that also feels a little bit like an obligation. But there's a third thing, which is that I really, really want to eat that sandwich. You want to eat rocks. You want to go to rocks. Yeah, I really want to eat like the guy. So a couple of Nerdfighters posted on the Nerdfighter subreddit

that they went to the racks that we were planning on going to and they found that it is pretty close down but you could still get some things and they showed the sandwiches they got and I had a big reaction, like a much bigger reaction in your heart. Yeah, like my heart was like, like they use the same foil wrapper things

that they dated in the 90s. I saw that. I saw that. Just the look at the wrapper, I was like, oh, I need that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I can go to racks any day, not any day actually, I'm pretty busy.

But I can go to racks a lot of days and because it's only, it's a day trip for me. Yeah, I think two hours from a racks. I think really just two hours. You're the issue. Yeah, I got to get to Andy and Apple us and then we'll make a happen. I just think that like I need to make the case to myself and my family that like this is a big deal for me even though it seems like it shouldn't be. Well, the other thing, and I don't want to try to really push hard to get you here, but the other thing that's happening, and I keep forgetting about this,

but it's happening by the time like this podcast is uploaded, it will have happened. I'm really hoping this, I mean, it's going to be a lot of work, but hopefully it'll also be a little bit of joy is we're getting a puppy. Yeah, I know I will I won't be excited to see the puppy He's a very special. He's a very special puppy. Yeah, he's coming. He's coming to our house today or tomorrow And he's a very he's a very sweet will well. I don't know him yet But I have I have expectations that he's gonna be a very sweet little guy. Uh-huh

but I have expectations that he's going to be a very sweet little guy. Yeah, so he has a name and he has, but we haven't met him yet, but he has a great name, I think. I love the name too. The lady who we're getting him from when she would have the facetimes with us. She's a Croatian lady and she would have the face times with us. She's a Croatian lady and she would say, look at him, look at him, he's just little potato. He's just tiny, he's just tiny potato. He's just happy potato. Look at his happy potato face.

And I was like, we went over names for months and months and then finally Alice was like, why don't we just call him potato? Clearly his name. It's Potato. He's just little Potato. He's just happy little Potato. Yeah, yeah, he seems like Potato to me.

So I'll be able to report that next week, whether he is actually Potato or whether he is Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare Potato. Also a thing that can happen. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right, Hank. Well, in lieu of sponsors, I think it might be time for the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. Yes, it is.

What's going on on Mars? In news from Mars, it's tricky these days to figure out how to do things because of how the governments are not working as well as they used to. For example, Rosalind Franklin's exo-Mars rover mission was planned to be a joint project between the European Space Agency and Russia's Space Agency. They've decided to break off working together for a while. Yeah.

Europe and Russia. Yeah, they're not currently speaking as Emily would say. So, so the, so the, the ESA, ESA, as they call it, I should say, ESA is like, hey, NASA, you want to come over and help out? And the house is like, no, we'd rather not have, we could create funding for that. So we're trying to figure out how to make the Rosalind Franklin rover happen and I would very much like for it to happen.

And it would be very cool. And I'm sure that it will one way or another, but at the moment, it has gotten tossed up into limbo because of the need for funding and that NASA is trying to do its own things that's also, we're having a hard time getting funded by Congress right now. So that's also hanging up. NASA's own projects,

NASA's own Mars projects, like the sample retrieval mission that we talked about recently is kind of been put in limbo by estimates that it's actually gonna cost way more than we've said so far, it would cost. Right. Well, AFC Wilden is also super poor, so it can relate to the Rosalind Franklin Rover mission.

You know, I bet you could take the money from Rosalind Franklin and forget a pretty great soccer team. You're probably probably probably probably rocket us to the prem in fact short years. Yeah, that's that's very true. That's a great point and I don't understand since other other national governments are getting into the business of buying soccer clubs, Saudi Arabia, Abu Dhabi, it seems that the United States is maybe missing out on an opportunity to have some real geopolitical impact by purchasing a fourth tier English soccer team. So Wimbledon have been playing terribly in general. We lost four to two to Ackrington Stanley. Ackrington Stanley, who were they? And then we lost four to one

to Moore camp, which is especially humiliating because they're bad. You know how all the teams have little badges and everything. Their badges is a dang shrimp. They're the shrimp. Oh, they like that, though. No, no, we don't. We don't like it when they beat us four to one. And I was really starting to get frustrated. You know, we're, we're, we're, we're down there in, uh, in a 11th place in, in league two, which isn't the worst, it's certainly not the worst situation we've ever been in. But, yeah, but, but, but you are recently like second place. Exactly. We've just been on a terrible run. Um, but then we played in the first round of the FA Cup against a team that's actually in the league above us that's in league one, Shelton Ham, which one of those like, it sounds like a made up place, you know,

it sounds like a place where like maybe a Thomas Hardinoff was set. You know, I saw the results of this game and I was like, that team must be at least one league below us. No, they're, they're, they're a league pavis. Now they aren't terrible in that league, but they're still above us, you know, like theoretically, they're better than every team in league too, or at least they have, you know, whatever. We beat them so bad. And I listened to the game on the radio, driving back from Columbus, Ohio, where I had a lovely event.

And we just absolutely destroyed them. James Tilly scored two goals. Connor, Lemon, High Evans scored a goal. They call them the lemon. Allie Alhamadi, of course, got on the score sheet as he does in pretty much every game that he plays. And we won five to one. Weird. I haven't seen us win a game by four goals in, I don't know, five years. Uh-huh. So it was pretty great. It was really fun. I was alone in the car, and I was just like, just banging on the ceiling of the car, just like, let's go. So excited. Yeah, just a dominant performance against Cheltenham, which means we go to the second round of the FA Cup.

Now, Hank, you'll remember the FA Cup is this knockout competition where if you make it to the third round, you could play anybody. You could play Manchester United and you could make millions of dollars playing Manchester United just one game. Sure. So it would be huge. Guess who we drew in the second round of the FA Cup? You won't guess. I don't know

the names of many teams. Was it Manchester United? They don't play until the third round. It's Ramsgate. Now Ramsgate, of course. Ramsgate plays in the eighth tier of English football. They are an amateur team. They are like what we were when we started, had to restart after Milton Keynes did what Milton Keynes does. Yeah. That sounds good. Rams gate. I mean, in a way, it's good, but we should not have a problem beating an eighth-tier English soccer team except what? Well, I just worry. We can lose to anyone. We've shown a capacity to lose to the shrimps. All right, well, that would be embarrassing, but I feel like you want to make sure

that you have the chance to make those millions of dollars. So play a bad team. There you go, December 2nd. That's going to be the absolute key. Is good enough to just get to that third round and then get an amazing draw, like Manchester United away or Chelsea away or Tottenham Hotspur away, something like that, right? Where we're at their stadium, really big stadium.

They sell a lot of tickets. They sell a ton of beer, put it on TV. Oh, they put it on TV. Oh, the TV money. The TV money. I have a question for you, John. I loaded up these stats here, the rankings. And it says yesterday, football league trophy, AFC Wimbledon versus Crystal Palace. Yeah. But that doesn't, I doesn't seem like it's actually Crystal Palace because it says U21 after it. Yeah. after it and the shield is blank.

Like they didn't, they hadn't had the time to upload the shield yet. Correct. That's probably not actually Crystal Palace. That's Crystal Palace is under 21 team. Okay. So we play them in this ridiculous trophy competition that does not matter unless we win it,

in which case it's the most important trophy in the history of football. It's called the football league trophy and everybody like plays doesn't play their best players and it's yeah, but anyway, we are going to the second round of that. We just have secured our spot in the second round. So at this point, you know, if we go, I'll say this, if we make it to the quarter finals, suddenly I'll be like, oh, everybody knows the football league trophy

is extremely important and valuable and everybody says it's prestigious, but actually, no, it's not. I think it used to be, I can't remember what it used to be called. Like the Carapal Cup used to be called the Milk Cup. I got milk and I think this used to be called the John's Tone's Paint Trophy, because it was sponsored by a paint company. So, there's your context.

I love that. Yeah. I also love a team that's, uh, shrimps, I gotta say. Well, you're welcome to root for them 44 games a year, but you got it root for Wimbledon. When we play, though, that's the rules. I can't, I'm trying to find the shrimp. Where is their shrimp? More cam.

I don't know what that means. You don't know what more cam means. That's not Akronkin Stanley, it's more cam. No, no, look at it. It's a gigantic shrimp. Their whole badge is a shrimp. There's nothing else do it. I love that.

I was right. It's great. So good. Speaking of which, a bunch of people did not believe us when we said that Joe Lewis rules his pants are our central defender, rolls his pants up high and has incredible incredible incredible thighs. And so all these bets real. All these people found either on Patreon or through my Twitter found this picture of him celebrating after scoring and like jumping five feet into the air and revealing his magnificent thighs and all the replies are hilarious. They're like, well, I wasn't prepared for that.

You know, you told me that it was going to be like that, but I, but I still wasn't ready. Yeah, it's like that. It really is. Yeah. All right, Hank. Well, the time here, John. Yeah, this was good. Thanks for talking to me. Talk about your friend who was in your house just randomly, and also you used to go in through your window all the time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I'll thank. Those were back in the days

when I got denied entrance to Canada for insufficient funds. Yeah, those times. Oh, it was good. I would say good days, but actually no, it was miserable. Actually, I hated it all. John, thank you for making a podcast with me. I feel like you did a good job.

I enjoyed it. Thank you. You did good too. Thanks. This podcast is produced by Rosiana and I'll do it. edited by tuna. Hold it. This podcast is produced by Rosiana Osfero House. It's edited by tuna menace. Our head of community and communications is Brooke shot. Well, the

music you're hearing now in the beginning of the podcast is by the great gun of Roland as they say in our hometown. Don't forget about your bokeh. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we forget about it. Don't forget about it. Good job. Thanks. I did it.