Death To Everyone - Death To... Apology Videos, Toys & Swearing

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Welcome to "Death To Everyone!" Join your hosts Lazy Susan & Zelda Moon as they decide what should remain once the world arrives at its inevitable end. This week the drag divas decide which naughty words are allowed to be uttered underground, what toys can be toted and which apology video from pop-history is granted. Death To Everyone!!! Follow us, won't you? https://www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone https://www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod https://www.instagram.com/mslazysusan https://twitter.com/MsLazySusan https://www.instagram.com/zeldamoon https://twitter.com/zelda__moon Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. https://www.facebook.com/naturalhabitatstudios

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Hello and welcome back everyone. Hello you. Oh you.

My favorite you. You said that funny thing last night by a text message and I just loved it because it was both true, insightful, but witty. But kind. When you called me by my first name today and I looked at you and I said, Hello, you. I hope that made you feel special. That's right. If I was with you right now, listener, I would get you a little cup of your favorite beverage.

How small? A tiny thimble. Just to say I care, but not that much. About you. Yeah, about you yeah about you brave listener welcome back to death to everyone it's the only show about the apocalypse that isn't depressing although i have heard from friend of the pod julia stretch that she occasionally has like a slight existential crisis at the start of these episodes oh why just the thought of the end of the world oh true which i'm like well yes but we're all here together you're in the bunker and we're up in the sky floating above you judging you and all the

things you do because this is a show about the end of times and the two celestial goddesses who will decide what goes into the bunker and what will be left out to be ravaged by the rats and with that zelda moon i say based on your week how is the world going to end oh how is the world going to end this week you know what i watched a really terrible movie last night. Terrible. So bad. Knock on a cabin. Knock at the house's door.

Knock at the house. The new M. Night Shyamalan film about the gay couple. Fucking hell. It was so bad. Anyway. So it was a gay couple. It was a gay couple that are like, have their gorgeous little adopted daughter. And they're going on a little trip.

Precocious little one. She is. Yeah. Gorgeous. And they are going to a cabin in the woods. I actually thought it was going to be a sequel to Cabin in the Woods, but it wasn't. Are you stupid?

Like, what? No. In the name. Well, but the layout of the title evoked cabin in the woods they got you yes yeah and then it was also called knock on a cabin or something whatever anyway it's fucking bad and it's like oh i'm so sick of what's his name that gay one is this is it groff jonathan jonathan groff yeah i'm like michelle's good friend oh i'm like you were just the gay who's there like and he's a singer oh i bet he is he's a broadway star oh i'm sure he's lovely but i'm just sick of his face anyway i watched two

hours of his face last night in that woeful movie. And towards the end, spoiler alert, there's a tsunami. And I thought, what a fabulous way to go. A tsunami. I turned it off after five minutes. So I didn't know that there was a tsunami. But that kind of is quite nice. So there's a sequence of natural disasters that are brought about as they postpone the apocalypse selfishly like all gay people very selfish because they have to kill one of them yes they have to

choose which one which gay or child has to die in order to save the world and they keep refusing to pick because they all think they're the main character anyway there's a moment where like there's all this lightning that just keeps hitting the ground and there's just wildfires everywhere. I like that. So wait, is the cabin near a beach? No. Then where's this tsunami coming from? They're watching it on the news.

Oh, but the tsunami, you can't have an apocalyptic tsunami. But, because then there's this, well, there was an earthquake in the ocean, which caused the tsunami. They're watching the news to see the natural disasters to like test if it's true or not and the footage is like we've got live footage now from the beach in new orleans or whatever um i bet that's going to be a landlocked city isn't it anyway um no do you say new or Yeah. A famously flooded location. Well, in this movie, it took it to a whole other level. They cut to, like, we've got this live footage from the beach. And it cuts to, like, the same quality camera footage that the rest of the movie is shot in.

But it's meant to be of some, like, diva's fucking iPhone on the beach. Maybe she was making a movie as well. No. The quality has gotten so much better on these new tech. Oh my God. It was so, oh, I just hate that. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it. You know what I hate more though? Is that scene in like the Hobbit where they like cut to fucking GoPro down the river. Anyone in this room aside from you has seen the Hobbit. Then like the camera gets like swept up in tsunami like how did they fucking press send to the news reporter it's a live feed darling oh no the things that trip you up in like experience of watching films are always the most like straight down the line thing well you're like i just wouldn't do that that just doesn't make sense you're like there's no suspension to your disbelief it's like unless it occurs exactly as it appears in reality i'm not going along on this

ride well because it's like you're not replicating the experience that we all have but not everything is naturalistic no but i know what a fucking iPhone recording quality is like. But sometimes things are figurative in the way that they represent reality. Also, she's like running away from the wave, filming the wave. Yeah. No. No one would do that. No.

It's in your hand and you're like doing this. Oh my God. Anyway, but I thought fabulous. Everyone can drown. Ew, I would not like that. Do you know, there's nothing I have like a bigger phobia of than man-made electronics covered in water. It's so eerie.

Underwater drilling sites. How do they make docks and piers? How do they make docks? How do they do that? I've stood in sand. It's very unstable. That's right. Do you know the Burj Khalifa?

Because there's no solid, you know, stone for them to drill and lay into. Because, you know, you need bedrock to build a skyscraper on so it doesn't move or shift because it's just building on sand sand sand sand sand they use tension rods into the the earth so they just have really deep like 10 story deep a giant kind of wavy rod that then just through the friction power of the sand is held in place oh Not because it's like meeting bedrock on the other end. Disgusting. That Burj Khalifa is going to topple this year. What's Burj Khalifa?

You know, the biggest building in the world, or the formerly biggest building in the world. No, I don't know what that is. The one that Tom Cruise was on the top of in Dubai. Tom on top. That one. Yeah, that wouldn't be affected by the tsunami did you see oh no this is a big one i beg to differ um did you see that they've started building the line is that in the middle of the desert yeah the city in the. That mirrored city. They've started construction.

Yeah. Oil money is crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. Have you seen any of those like ridiculous videos that are like, move to the line? Yeah, it does feel very like, you guys haven't seen a single science fiction movie about how we all die inside of the line. The thing is, right? Like, I've seen concept art of buildings

and then I've seen the buildings. Yeah. And it's never as good. But imagine that but times, you know. Times the line. Times the line. Like, ooh, I just don't know what it's going to be like. I just think engineering cities like being like, wow,

and everyone's going to go to the shopping mall, plaza on like three and then come downstairs and go to the swimming you know i'm just like start it just doesn't work it doesn't feel like i wouldn't trust you urban development designer person to understand what my needs are but i think my sweet unicorn that you might be an anomaly how dare everyone the masses will just follow follow well i think that if there's not a kebab shop in the line that's open at 3 a.m that melbournians are not moving to the line where am i going to get my gozleme at the line well exactly i'm not seeing in the concept art where's the goslamay darling no where's the hsp vego version

where's the shitty drag bar in the line yeah actually though you can't really have if you're building like futuristic style the line you can't have drag shows because as soon as you have like a drag bar it starts feeling really like dystopic because it's like, come inside, baby. Like I feel like drag queens in the future are always like holograms that are evil. Yeah. Like you'd have a bob cut and a fringe and you'd be gigantic and sexy. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what? That's my dream, really. If you could do holographic drag shows. Oh, like, oh my god when madonna performed with gorillas oh and then you're like oh yeah i get it this is cool but then she walks behind one of them oh that's good you know what she was doing yeah do you know what i'm talking about yeah oh it's so cool oh speaking of ridiculous things there are videos of i showed i showed some of um my friends at work today volantis for the first time

and i always manage to forget that at the end of the volantis video lady gaga does a little thumbs up thumbs up incredible i was actually gonna say i was i was gonna save discussion of Volantis for when we discuss vehicles. Yes. Because the world's first flying dress is, of course, the only vehicle that matters. But I think now we've gotten to it, we need to just special breaking news report. Oh my God. Volantis is going in the bunker.

Oh, Volantis is in. Okay, so for those of you who don't know during the release of art pop lady gaga was doing a bunch of like stunt shows and shenanigans to advertise the album for the album release and among that was like she did a big gallery show with jeff kunz who like designed the album cover and the sculpture of lady g Gaga with the big blue orb on her chest. Yeah, now the Koons is me. Yes, now the Koons is me. So we're heading into art pop season.

Lady Gaga is now going to be wearing the world's first flying dress. And we're going to have the launch, like a full space rocket launch in like a brooklyn warehouse and there's paparazzi there and like the who's free of a tuesday night to come and see the art pop moment and then they're all standing around in this giant warehouse and lady gaga comes out in what is a astronaut like jet fighter suit it's so extra so extra yeah and she does a little speech about art pop and then she explains that she's going to be wearing the very first flying dress which i can imagine your mind is racing when you hear this mine certainly was what does a flying dress look like gaga tell me about it i kind of picture in my fantasies i picture like

iris van herpen like ethereal goddess you know like venus emerging from the clam yes like they could have i mean so many things could have happened next and then of course gaga goes to the the back of the large Brooklyn warehouse. And there is a drone, what looks like literally just like a classic DJI drone, but like scaled up to probably, you know, like four meters by four meters. It's massive. And then a small little rod in the center coming down to a tiny little step on standing platform just the size of one stephanie joanne germanotta and she steps in puts on a

helmet and then so far you haven't seen the dress the dress is like a little breastplate piece that just straps onto it yeah so like that's the dress it's like a molded plastic vacuum seal it's like a mannequin shell yeah like in the same way like if you were wearing a dress and got on a plane and put on your seatbelt you're now in the world's largest flying dress like that's the logic that gaga's for. And the dress is called Volantis. And then they're like, well, now it's time for Volantis' maiden journey. Suspenseful music playing and everyone's watching. And then it like. And nothing happens.

And then it lifts slightly. Like inches. And then like tilts forward. Till she's at like a kind of what I would say is the beginnings of an alarming angle. And then she like kind of bounces along the ground and then lifts momentarily before then coming down to like a and then it stops and everyone's like do we applaud is this volantis and then they all kind of soft weakly applaud but you can't hear it over like the music that's playing yeah and then lady gaga gives like a thumbs up yeah as they take off the helmet it's incredible it's incredible and so volantis is the the vehicle it's the vehicle of choice in the bunker so everyone just has

volantuses yeah because i okay so is it the same exact same design just in different colors flying dress flying pants or is it like in like westworld where they're all kind of just like the same vehicle no i think they need to be kind of bespoke to the rider okay yeah so like romeo beckham's is like has some like little quirky tattoos on it and stuff romeo beckham doesn't wear shirts that have tattoos though this is a piece of apparel. It's a flying dress. So I don't know what you're thinking. It's not his skin.

Volantis is not flying skin. But maybe it could be. When Gaga's ready to release her flying skin range, we'll be ready and listening. Volantis is so important to the gay culture to the community volant without volantis we have nothing because if volantis was the only vehicle you know prior to gaga's art pop era do you think fucking 9-11 would have happened no you, Jesus. No. You can't knock down a building with Volantis. Volantis is great at knocking glasses off tables.

Volantis could do that, but she wouldn't. She's a flying dress. She can't get that high. Volantis is great at launching albums that do okay. That do just fine. Yes. And I think we'll move on to to our first segment we'll be right back welcome back everyone i hope you had a nice break we did but we missed you so the first subject up for debate

now that we've fast-tracked philanders into the bunker yes is swear words swear words okay now is this like conspiracy theories where it's the only one yeah like this is it is the only swear word that can be said absolutely faggot do you think that you're going to be okay with Matt Shears, our sound engineer, walking around saying the F's low? Yes. I'll just be looking for firewood sticks. Go on, Matt. Give it a shot.

No. I'm not saying it. I can't have Matt get cancelled on television. Go on, say it. I'm never saying that. Coward. He's a Steiner boy. Not to you two beautiful queens.

Only to a real fucking faggot. Yeah, if I saw a faggot, I'd say it. If I saw someone lying in the gutter, then yeah. No, no. Now, Matt, what's your swear word of choice? Oh, darn it. No, I don't know. Sometimes I joke that I'm, like, I'm not really a swearer.

So sometimes I would joke that I'm, like, really vulgar and I'd say, like, oh, fuck, you know, like, really aggressively. But no one believes me. So I don't know. I don't really know. I don't think I swear very much. Why don't you swear? Were your parents strict about swearing?

I think I felt guilty when I sweared always, yeah. But I think no one really swore in my family. Lucky. Yeah. I was lucky. But we just repressed our rage, you know, so it was fine. That's good. That's healthy. That's correct. I didn't repressed our rage, you know, so it was fine. That's good. That's healthy.

That's correct. I didn't like letting the rage out. I just squashed it down, you know. And that's how you end up with this kind of docile tone. Yeah, that's right. One day you'll explode. But until then, very pleasant. So is that the faggot?

Oh, no. I was just being silly. That was just the first thing that came to mind. I'm not committing to faggot of faggot. Oh, no. I was just being silly. That was just the first thing that came to mind. I'm not committing to faggot, faggot. I don't know. We'll just see what comes up. Okay. Well, my one is a piece of shit.

Okay. Technically true. Swear word. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's hyphenated. It becomes one word. Okay.

So lazy. Whatever you say, darling. You're a piece of shit. Because I think piece of shit is a universal swear word. It carries impact without being specifically offensive to any one group of person. I just thought of something terrible for a podcast. But like, what if instead of a swear we brought in this okay so zelda has just done the up yours uh you know fist uh into the crook

of your elbow and then the microphone you think that's good i think that's really funny bring it back i mean what's wrong with the middle finger then yeah but like some people have weird middle fingers i don't want to see that keep it to yourself keep it to yourself okay um okay piece of shit is good and that's very you you say that all the time yes because you can say it in so many different ways fuck is good but i just fuck you know like does fuck bring me joy i don't know fuck is just so like fuck is yeah you can do better yeah yeah i so i am kind of similar to matt i like didn't swear very much for a very very very long time i've only really started swearing more since doing drag, I think.

It's been a bad influence on you. I used to, like, really never swear. Not because I cared. I just didn't do it. Were your family's swearers? Not really. Yeah. Yeah, like, not overly.

See, my dad is an actor. Oh. And so the spin that he can put on vulgar language is terrifying if he wants it to be and entertaining if he wants it to be but growing up we had the most colorful language shouted at us oh my god so that is like yeah it doesn't even like i think it's so bizarre when people are like oh you can't say like fuck like who cares also around children i'm like who cares it's like you know what i mean like it's just like if your kid's an asshole they're gonna be an asshole whether they say fuck or not so it's like treat the fucking illness not the

symptom i don't know that the word suddenly changes their whole personality i mean obviously there are words that should not be said by young kids or like you know particularly young white kids or you know oh right yeah like it's like i don't really consider like i don't know maybe i'm wrong in this but like racial slurs or like things like faggot like i don't know i don't really think of those as like swear words in the same way like when i think of swear words it's like fuck shit yeah those are the kind of general ones but like i think it's like words with potency right yeah but those words are like you know like the n word and the c word and like the f slur i guess and then like a whole whole host of like religious slurs

that are leveled at different religious groups. Jesus Christ. And that's like, yeah, it's like the ones that have kind of lost their potency and have become more commonplace. Yeah. Kind of like fun because they feel less hurtful, but they still have like a little hint of the transgressive element.

But gay people have really reclaimed faggot oh totally probably in the last 10 years i remember the beastie girls having conversations about faggot like five years ago or something because we said it did we we said it somewhere to that kid he was walking home oh my god and he looked like a massive faggot but yeah it's really changed like yeah i know god i never used to say that word now i couldn't care less yeah i also don't care about anything anymore so The, oh no, what were you just saying? Faggot? No. Kids? No.

Faggoty kids? I think like for me, I love shit. You can say shit in more situations than you can fuck. Like I feel like you could say shit at work more frequently than you could say fuck. Yes. I mean like I think Australia is very much a swearing culture i also like i think i slut really irks me in a way like i just just oh oh well there's like yeah there's like connotations there that we just don't agree with yeah like it's a fun word but when you like hear it from the wrong person you're like oh god yeah wait you don't mean that in a fun

like sissy way you mean it like yeah you know what why are you saying that why are you saying yeah have you heard that um origin story for fuck that it's um came from when the king in ireland outlawed sex and then what well and then i don't think i I think this is false. I think someone told me that this was like what a lot of people thought where it came from, but it stood for fornication under the consent of the king. So everyone was not permitted to have sex, but the king would allow certain people to have sex. So they would write F-U-C-K on their doors and that meant

that they could have sex. That explains why it's written on that bathroom stall at Circuit. Oh, my God. to have sex so they would write f-u-c-k on their doors and that meant that they could have sex that explains why it's written on that bathroom stall at circuit oh my god i don't think i really register how much of a sailor mouth i have until you know when you have to perform at like midsummer main stage and they're like please don't swear god you like can go gig after gig after gig without swearing. The second you are put in front of an audience where you are explicitly told not to swear, you will swear in every sentence.

Well, I can't fucking help it. I think I booked you for a gig once. It was a family-friendly children's event. Yes. You've dropped a few sneaky ones in there. My God. Well, just never perform horny in front of a group of five girls. Well, children's event. Yes. You've dropped a few sneaky ones in there. My God. We'll just never perform horny in front of a group of five-year-olds. Well, that's it.

I've not actually been the real transgressor of the drag girls in this room. Oh, my God. Okay. So, dear listener, won't you cast your minds back to summer of 2021? The Beastie Girls were taking their incredible fringe show drag show the game show around this fair country we were in adelaide and we had all these side gigs booked to go along with our tour our show drag show the game show is a drag show that's also a game show so lazy hosts the show we split the audience half of them were team moon the other half were team banan and benign and i would kind of like verse each other

in this game show kind of thing so lazy comes out opens the show and then benign and i each come out and perform an opening number because it's a drag show and benign would do a rogue trader song and i would come out and do the classic from the 90s, Moose T, Horny, because it is an incredible song. And you were tasked with trying to represent your brand with a single one-minute long song. Correct. Yeah. So one of these gigs is in...

Murray Bridge. Which is like maybe an hour and a half out of town. Mm-hmm. It's also the town where they discovered the bodies in barrels, isn't it? Can't put a pin in that, but I think it was like the murder town. like the murder town yeah that was yeah up until this that was the worst thing that happened there the day before we're like shit we have this gig tomorrow what are we going to do we just have to like talk on the mic a little bit spruik the show a little bit and do a number yeah because for context at fringe most people are like i don't know circus acts or stand-up comedians or jugglers so you can probably figure out a way i mean if you're a juggler or

whatever to do a one minute or two minute version of your show that's like great to just pop up in a park and be like how delightful you know like you're doing a balancing act or whatever yeah and even if the show is risque you just you know leave your top on yeah so the day before we're like well shit what are we going to do like we haven't had even thought about putting together a performance so like well we all know the intro songs because we've been doing them every night for two weeks like cool well we know those intro songs perfect we'll just go and do those so we get up early then we're in the car we're like you know we're like five hours into the day and we pull up to the outside of the town hall or whatever. And see from the car a sea of children.

Just children. Just children. In the like mid-afternoon sun. Oh, it's a beautiful day. With the little gazebo tent set up you know with like astroturf and bean bags you know what the local primary school who's making been making the decorations for weeks they're strung up you know and just ready to see you you know and um really support the queer community and first off i'm horrified as we're ushered into the backstage area which

is like the school gymnasium has been opened up from the side. And I'm like, oh, like, you know, is there a drink or whatever? And they're like, there's pop tops and some water. And I'm like, ma'am, I just drove for two hours. Where's the fucking beer? Like beer exists during the daytime too. I don't know what we're doing here. I'm looking over the audience and i'm

like i can't do this like i cannot do this what is happening here so we we're kind of ferried in by like one of the fringe like i don't know event runners and we get into the back lazy's having a meltdown because she can't have alcohol and i'm having a meltdown because i'm about to corrupt a hundred rural children and and i said to the like aid i was like hey look i'm doing this song like horny you know like horny and also you know remember that the climate in australia is that drag queens are predators who are trying to molest your children oh my god and this queen is coming out and being like i'm horny horny horny and iny, horny, horny. And I was like, I can't do my number. And she was like, no, what do you know?

It's fine. Also, she was too young to know the song. Like, I don't think she knew the song. I was like, it was on the South Park movie soundtrack. You don't know? And I was like, well, they used to play it on the radio. And Lazy's there in the fucking back corner being like, they used to play it on the radio and lazy's there in the fucking back corner being like yeah they played it on the radio it's fine but the other thing was that because it was mixed in with benign's song i couldn't just like cut mine out because then benign didn't have something to perform yeah and they were like bled together

so it was like either we both don't perform and just lazy performs or we just do it yeah the tech was like it's fine just it's fine everything was like it's fine so lazy goes first then me and i come out and do my like i'm dressed as like a fucking princess doing horny to these like four-year-olds and doing it like as if i'm snow white just kind of like waiting for a dove to come and land on my hand like i'm horny hello just like waving to everyone but then like as i cast my eyes above the children to the adults i just see disgruntled like and confused faces although there were many parents who were singing along because they were from a similar generation also if your kid knows what the word horny means there's bigger fish true to fry anyway i leave the stage and immediately the head of fringe for that event looks at me and is like what the fuck was that she was like what are you thinking and i was like well your aid said i could do it we also sent it to you we sent it to

you anyway we were doing a similar gig in another town the very next day and i was like i'll change it for tomorrow i'll change it for tomorrow change it for tomorrow and then the next day i performed the sound of music um yeah um which was a triumph but it also felt like it went for 11 years. It did. Both gigs were completely cursed. And that was in sand. It was in sand.

And I couldn't do it in shoes. So I was like, oh, God. What's your excuse for not doing gigs in shoes in Melbourne? I broke my toe. Zelda is taken to coming to the Pinnacle gig and just not having shoes on, wandering around the bar, stockings akimbo. It's very comfortable. You're like, you get three minutes of the fantasy.

All the time, either side of those three minutes, you have to close your eyes. I'm getting changed. Or just look up. Just look up. You know what? Let's take a piece of shit because then i can have shit yeah exactly yeah if you want to say shit you have to mutter piece of shit yeah you know what if there's like a word that only you can say because it's part of your identity then that's allowed as well a catchphrase or you mean it's slow no i mean i can call people faggot oh no that's not as well. A catchphrase? Or you mean it's low? No, I mean I can call people faggot. Oh, no.

That's not how this works out, though. Oh, that's hard lines. Hard lines. Hard lines this week. Yeah. Volantis gets a free pass, but no faggot. I'm sorry, but Volantis is a bit different to faggot. Although you can say Volantis if you want to say faggot. Well, it's really one in the same.

You're Volantis. Because only a faggot would know what the fuck you were talking about. You flaming little Volantis. Fly away, Volantis, if you can. Excellent. Gorgeous. Well, piece of shit, Volantis. All right.

Shall we have a break? Yeah, we'll be right back. atlantis all right shall we have a break welcome back listen hello now it's time for our next category pardon i'm trying out new things no the next cat tree is toys. Toys. Toys. Oh, my God. So, Zelda, you strike me as someone perhaps who is deprived of toys in whatever bin you grew up in. But I'm sure at Christmastime you were given a stick or something to play with. Can I tell you, though? Sad story.

My friend's dad was adopted and lived in an orphanage when he was young and was raised by nuns and did katie perry kill them and that is why he's on a vendetta against katie perry no and he the best time of his young life was being gifted a teddy bear on his birthday. He must have been like six. Oh. And it was so exciting and so thing because he didn't own anything. Because orphans, famously, minimalist. Oh my God.

True though. And so he didn't own anything. This is the one thing that he had for himself. And then the next year rolls around and they're like, the nuns come up to him. They're like, okay, so well now it's Eric's birthday or whatever the fuck. And we're giving him the teddy. And they took the teddy off him and gave it to Eric. Isn't that so sad?

That was a... God damn. I know. Oh. And I bet Eric was really smug about it. Oh, Eric was rolling in teddies. But he knew that it was only for 365 days. That's right.

Who's going to get it next? Not you. Sad. But also, like, that's how i'm gonna raise my children one toy passed from generation to generation wow well no i had a healthy amount of toys growing up it certainly wasn't like oh god i remember like begging for particular toys and it just being like no no well because you have young nephews yes and they have more toys than i have ever seen in my human life correct they are like rolling in toys they have a rumpus

room yes that overflows yeah but that's because they also got your toys from your childhood yes so all of my toys are now they're being destroyed. And although I have procured my favorites, and now they're in my cabinet at home. Oh, you stole them from their rumpus room. Just like your friend's dad or whatever. You're the nuns. Yeah. And I gifted them back to myself. Do you put under slay my witch's cabinet?

Put it down. I need to put that under slay. That kept breaking things. Also, I remember the breaks that they had. My Dinerider T-Rex had a broken tip to his tail. And now his whole fucking arms are broken off. Anyway, I didn't give the toys. My dad gave the family the toys.

Yeah. Huge mistake. Like, this obviously isn't about video games. Video games aren't toys. Different. But my favorite, favorite, favorite toys growing up were, of course, my prized collection of Jurassic Park toys. Accompanied by my Dino Rider toys, which are arguably more cool, but much rarer. So the Dino Rider is like a what? Dino Riders was an animated series from like late 80s, early 90s.

Like pre-Captain Planet era, but similar animation style. Like pre-X-Men. So who's the rider? So, like there was Quasar. But what were they trying to do? Okay, so like the setup of Dino Riders is like spaceship flying through space, crash lands on a planet that's full of dinosaurs. And they have special crystals that let them commune with the dinosaurs

and become friends. And they become Dino Riders. But then also on the planet, there's the evil Krulos. And he leads an army of snake men and hammerhead shark men. And that's their planet and they uh wait is that their planet or were they fighting in space and they all crash landed look it's been 30 years but um anyway the toys were fucking amazing because they're all these dinosaurs that then you can clip armor onto and then the little action figures sit on the armor

it's so cool whereas jurassic park is just like dinosaurs dinosaurs and then brought back to life and forced into sea world yes but i had some very cool jurassic park toys as well generation one it all went downhill from the lost world that's when steven really stopped paying attention particularly like the toys for jurassic Park 3 were bad and then all the ones since have been like so bad but the ogs were very good quality toys until they get their arms ripped off by pesky little children that don't understand anything's worth because there's just another cupboard full of toys there yeah wow not me this is dark i didn't realize this was gonna get so dark anyway okay you go now you go i really like um can i hazard a guess what gone that you enjoy i mean you love toys i do love but as a child, I wonder.

Ooh, I wonder. There's some things that I think of. I think of the little spinny ballerina fairy that twirls. I love those fucking bitches. But I don't know if you've had one. Well, no, but I had friends. Maybe Emma had one? No. Okay.

Well, they were only available for like two years. They were taken off the market because they were putting people's eyes out what closed your eyes look away how could you close your eyes at the dancing majestic majesty of a woman flying flying flying through the air but then i wonder if you were like into furbies my sister got a furby oh my god i just unlocked a trauma oh go for it it was christmas and my sister who is older got a furby which i think there was 70 when they first came out which is considered that's a premium toy that was considered like the big gift for christmas a 70 gift is very like too much almost because

me and my sister shared a lot of presents as well like we'd both get i don't know the copy of ever after on vhs uh and lufia for the snares and that sort of stuff but this is dark and then we'd have to share custody of drew barrymore's iconic cinderella story god but it's an important film we can talk about that later um so she got a furby on her own and like furby mania was fucking crazy and i remember being so torn up about wanting that furby so much. They're ugly. Yeah, but like you don't understand.

We thought it was like robots. Like that T-Rex robot pet. That was cool. That was past your generation. Yeah, but I still know what's up. I stay here. well we thought it was like legitimately going to be a robot pet that lived in your house that you could like talk to and hang out with and be your best friend so i think there was like anxiety about my sister getting a new like gimpy pet that lived around the house to replace me

and the aesthetics are quite similar as well so she gets the furby i don't get a furby and i get and maybe it was for her birthday i can't yeah i don't know but the then my mom goes to the two dollar shop with me and at the time because of furby mania there was like these little plush furbies that when you pulled the cord on the back would vibrate to simulate walking forward and she got me that and then you know i'd be going to sleep at night and what i'd hear from the other room was wow no too bright and i was like shut up shut up shut up and he just pulled the cord and just listened to the vibration of the mechanic that was my child even the child wanted to get away from me so morose as a child oh my god wow um Oh, my God. Wow. Okay.

So Furby's not your favorite then? No. No. I also think like, you know, Furby got old real fast. Yes. I don't think anyone really kept up with their Furby. Because it was also one of those things where it was like kind of like programming a television but in another language where you're like, I don't understand where the menu menu is and like apparently you can teach it all these fucking tricks but all this bitch is doing is waking up and saying it wants to go back to

sleep no do you remember those like puppy pouch things where like it was a puppy and then it was like velcroed tummy shut and you'd pull out the puppies inside yes and like you didn't know how many puppies were going to be in there yes that's cool you should always um get your dogs to sex it's important but i like okay the new wave of kids toys which yeah i guess you wave yeah like the thing oh we're not bringing in a toy that wasn't made in the 90s, darling. Let me tell you that right now. I like how much kids are like into disgusting fucking gross shit.

Are you going to try to bring in that fucking $80 like potion pot? I do love that potion pot. Because you know what the new thing that's happening in toys in this era? Sea monkeys. That's a living thing you can't have a living thing as a pet you you're like those bloody dino rider colonialist fucks that came to that planet and started just treating everything like it belonged to them i learned their ways as a child i will say the the new the new era we are living in of kids' toys is all about the process of opening, and that's it.

It's about how it comes out of the packet. Because back in my day, you just opened the box and maybe undo one of those twist ties. Now you grab the magical wand and tap, tap, tap, and then you add the fizzing potion, and then it fizzes away the thin cardboard layer. And then there's a soft toy in there. And then you get it wet with warm water and its fur comes out. And then inside is a bug baby that needs to have its face wiped. And then once its face has been wiped, inside you get the slime that you put into a little diaper.

And like, I don't know, it's fucking weird. Well, this is why my nephews have so many toys because it's just the thrill of the opening so you just have to keep opening they've discovered that they they don't want toys that exist like over a month or forever that you can pass on they want them like they're just exciting mostly for the first hour and then you do get some component pieces but there's not an ongoing play event it all happens at the start but it's so cool like the the one where you get a scalpel and it's like a giant dinosaur and you take the scalpel and you cut open its belly and inside is goo and then inside of that goo is a man like a skull man that can ride the dinosaur or the shark or whatever it may be and he has little weapons and then you take the goo the

gooey stuff that was in the belly of the beast yeah and you put it in the brain cavity of the monster yeah and uh god that's in wow oh my god you know boo that's cool no that's like consumerism gone mad says you buying jurassic park toys lego is good. Lego is good. I remember, though, the warning signs were all there, but forcing my guy friends, because we were like, he just finished making his Hogwarts castle, and I was like, let's take it apart. Let's make something new.

Let's make a shopping mall. And then we were like in his house, and his mom came up, and I was like, she's like, what have you guys made? And we're like, shopping mall. There's a place where you can buy new outfits and there's a little pizza stand you can hang out with your friends here at the shopping mall she was like it went from a magical school to this also of course you were the kid who wouldn't want to just follow the instructions just be like now let's just make something oh god when i see i'm

sorry if you're listening to this and you're this person but when i see adults with like i made this lego playset and now it's sitting on a shelf to gather dust for all time the one that's like the orchid oh what are we doing here that's not the point of fucking lego just take it apart and build something new enjoy Enjoy yourself. Like build it the first time. God, that's fun. Learn how to use the bricks in inventive ways and then move on. I don't like the art ones. I want it.

Where's, how's, you know, my like little minifig gonna sit on that? Oh, you want everything to be for the minifig? Yes. And to minifig scale oh that's my issue with lego duplo scale i don't in a bunker no one no we're not oh we're not bringing lego yeah no no no no no no although i think it is one of those rare toys that's actually good for children's brains yeah well that's why it's good yeah those. Yeah. Do you know what's good? Yeah. Those things that, like, you tip them and they go.

They're iconic. They're like glitter rods. Yes. Well, because I remember we used to play in the backyard And you know someone would be the witch And someone would be the knight or whatever And there was one glitter rod and one sword And so there was often a fist Very cool

Also I just love Misk toy You know not a brand You're just like who are you Who do you belong to i don't know and what about that infinity uh fleshlight you know the one so no so like fleshlight textured toys yeah have like two hours max and they get like that dust film oh like the little slappy hands yes which is incredible but then it just never lasts oh and then like you try to wash it off and while it's wet you think well i fixed it

this is it but then as soon as it dries it gets dusty again it's just well it's like you know it's like buying a latex outfit you've got to lube it does lube bring it back why aren't more kids playing with lube give children lube oh my god um well i mean that's what goo is this is a thing toys like of today are just rooted in the like fundamentals of humanity like goo sludge slime kids are intrigued by body horror no but that was true when we were kids because like there was that magic sand kinetic sand which i never had oh so what's happening to that sand now i oh where is it is it in the ocean and like fish are like why the fuck is that sand so dry crabs love it day walkers is the bottom of the ocean area made exclusively of kinetic sand well well that's if

kinetic sand is coming in well it isn't because it's an ugly color that's not natural no i didn't have kinetic sand you know you did have those little beads that you hit with an iron and then they formed into an image you put them on the rack what about do you remember how like you used to be able to like put chip packets in the oven and then it would shrink down see i heard tell of this yeah but never did it because i didn't know if that was a thing so i don't know if it was like specific things or if it was just any chip packet i think i was like in your era no so this was my brother my brother had them they must were too young to understand. Back when they made chip packets out of asbestos.

You'd cook them in the oven and they would shrink to a tiny size. And you'd put them on a keychain. And you would make it into a keychain. It was really cool. Can't do that. I also like the thing when you would go to a friend's house and they would try and give you their toys. Yeah. Like, oh, you like that?

You can have that. Oh, but then like the parents would be the gatekeepers and be like, no, you can't take that. We'd try to walk out the house with the toy. We've got a Bart Simpson toy front from my friend Samantha Stander. And she's like, you like it? You can have it. And I was like, thank you so much.

And then I was like carrying it around the house, her house, and her mother gave me a bowl of pasta and i refused to put down the toy no one was asking me to but i was trying to carry the bowl of pasta and the newfound toy for fear that it would be sucked back into her life and i wouldn't get to keep it and i dropped a whole bowl of like really hot bolognese all down my frail tiny body oh yeah and i had a cow man oh my god i remember so i had some diner riders and drastic park toys and then so um there was like family family friends the daughter was the same age as me and the brother was the same age as my older brother and they had other drastic park and diner rider toys yeah and they didn't appreciate them like I did.

And whenever we went there, I would play with those toys. They didn't care, but I was never allowed to have them. It just, like, that would have made my childhood. But they didn't give them to me, I suppose, understandably so. And then, years later, like, years later, they did. But, like, by the time I was like a teenager and then I got all, I inherited all those toys because they were like, do you want these?

We're getting rid of our childhood toys. It's like, thank you. But the Pteranodon was missing and that was the one I really wanted. The what? Pteranodon. It had like a click button in the back. Pteranodon.

What did you say? Pteranodon. Yeah, well, you make sure you pronounce it properly. Oh my God. Because I was hearing something else. The other thing that I would do, which you know this, with my Jurassic Park toys, is that when I would be playing in the front yard, and I would let mosquitoes come and like land on my arms,

and like I'd watch them. And then as they were getting plump, then I would smack them when they were full of blood and i would then like scoop up the mosquito and all the blood on like the velociraptor teeth and the t-rex teeth so that they were all bloody because that's realism if i was a parent looking out the kitchen window at twilight at my child playing in the front and notice that haunting behavior i would literally just lock the doors and not acknowledge the banging as you tried to get back in for dinner and then just like just that's it i wonder i'd call

child services on myself i'm sorry i've done something wrong here get rid of it i wonder i'd call child services on myself i'm sorry i've done something wrong here get rid of it i wonder if they know i wonder if my parents know that i used to do that well they do now yeah oh yeah what's the toy do you know what actually here's the fucking toy that i don't want in the bunker oh that 20 questions fucking handheld blob toy what you know the one that is plays the game 20 questions and then it guesses it's like a question mark circle are you saying magic eight ball no that camp they can come that camp it come this is it you've boiled me down to my core pieces and principles that you matt do you know what i'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to have one. Okay, you might be too old for it. But it was like an old game and you could play 20 questions.

It was just 20 questions, but it would tell you. And it would guess what you were thinking of. It was for people who had no friends. How could it guess? Exactly, Zelda. And it was eerily correct. And do you know, this fucking toy was so smug. It was so fucking, like it had a little scream where it was eerily correct and you know this fucking toy was so smug it was so fucking like it had a little scream where it was like i'm going to get it and then when it did it was so like

told you like fuck off i i don't like this ew ew yuck okay so we're gonna bring the dino riders in but i oh see i can't can't i bring all the dino riders and all of the jurassic park first movie toys no no you can pick but i had them all in the same basket well we're not talking about which basket we're bringing into the fucking bunker we're talking about which toys i'm already letting you have the whole series which is very generous i know i i got that one through just fine yeah um i think okay i think sticks come on i think objectively dino rider toys okay the quality the dinosaurs are less cool they're a bit more like it's like real like hard bakelite kind of like plastic

but the the play functionality is way cooler than like you know dr grant so it's dino riders overdressing park good decision excellent dinah riders in the bunker and a handful of mosquitoes and we'll release a thousand mosquitoes into the bunker to breed in the ocean area yes okay good um and i think i'll bring in that stick that goes incredible for mealtime okay okay amazing and we'll back and now it's time for the hardest decision of all oh my goodness okay in the bunker yeah we will be allowing yes but one apology video from the time before only one now this video will be used um in the kind of instruction of the next generation yes of the survivors to learn how or how not to apologize on the the internet which we won't have but we will have a series of tubes that people can whisper apologies into oh can we have the letter tube system yeah yeah what what strikes

you what takes your fancy what's in your bunker feel okay so i need a complete i need it to be a set i need it to be scripted i need crocodile tears that's what i'm really looking for is the tears of a leathery crocodile and lengthwise are you thinking 10 minutes plus i want them to get paid for this video. I want monetization. I want three Nissan ad rolls. You know what? If it can be like 10 minutes and 27 seconds, so it just got over, that's good.

And when they're like, I demonetized the video. Okay. So obviously we can't go too far into this conversation without then talking about a little choo-choo train. Oh. Heading down the tracks of misinformation. The toxic gossip train, of course. Colleen.

Colleen Ballandreau. Quite recently cancelled and apologising. Which I guess I'm not really here to pass whether or not what happened is valid or whether, you know, whatever. I just want to talk about the video she looked tired haggard had a ukulele yeah i had a ukulele okay so an accessory in the video yeah because yeah so i want crocodile tears what's your like thing that it must have see yeah i think colleen's was so unhinged it kind of eclipsed a lot of things i love a tricia paytas apology video because she is like the one person she's kind of the trump

of the internet in the way that she's so thoroughly widened the overton window of what's acceptable for people online that whatever she does is completely fine because she just doesn't you know like the thing that people hate most is hypocrisy so if you are constantly just like breaking the rules of what your character is allowed to do and doing the most heinous things then no one calls you out on being a hypocrite anymore because they're like well it's Tuesday and like that's what Trump does to avoid any kind of issues sticking to him he's like of course i you know did this but it's not bad i'm great shut up for context could you explain to everyone what trisha's child's name is ah so trisha paytas online tv person online and tv personality famous for um being on youtube for a long long time yeah since like gen

two or something of influences and had a child recently called malibu stacy paytas who was born as the queen died oh and people at the time were like this is the reincarnation of queen elizabeth ii so stupid but it's true there are so many babies born at the same time but trisha's was queen elizabeth oh my god yeah malibu stacy malibu imagine oh my god you spend your whole you know reign attending to proper conduct in social situations and then you wake up being reborn as the child of trisha paytas um okay so my front runner it has to be glam life guru tati westbrook miss tati herself because i followed the beauty community for years dramageddon and dramageddon too yeah on youtube when they happened it was like i don't

know that was my like princess diana it was like you were watching the news come out in real time and you were like i can't believe this is happening what's gonna happen tomorrow and just like sitting on youtube like refreshing just waiting like oh my god well now they're gonna post another oh it was so good and like just waiting for the next video and i think tarty's had the crocodile tears it had the like crazy anecdotes it had the and you did it at my birthday party and you did it at my birthday dinner like it's just so unhinged but also the reason that they've fallen out over like vitamin gummies is incredible just like flirting with a straight waiter that's relatable content yeah yeah like no i think that the tati westbrook one even though there are more outrageous apology videos there has

never been a camper video because camp as we learn from susan suntag's iconic essay it can't be set out to intentionally and there's something about the thin veneer of like respectability that tati westbrook has She's a beauty influencer from kind of middle America. She looks pristine and perfect. Her hair is like three different ombre tones of brown. It's like such a specific aesthetic. She really speaks to the homeland America of like God fearing women who just want like a nice smoky eye for their like bowl-a-rama trip. And she was that woman who had like the most wholesome marriage and then she like invited a gay into her life and that story of like a gay man like demon disrupting this wholesome woman's life yeah by ruining her birthday dinner aka the most

sacred event in any 30 somethingsomething Midwestern woman's life. Yeah. And then flirting with a waiter in front of her, being openly gay. Gay in a way that's, like, sexual, not just funny. Is, like, that is high cam. Yeah. Like, ugh. And then, like, her eyes are eyes are like glass in the video.

It looks like Swarovski crystals inset into a skull and just those piercing husky blue eyes. The thing that haunts me, and I thought of it earlier and I kept forgetting to say it, is that like there is the undercurrent with a lot of these youtubers and americans because they there are so many like religious americans that when the god side comes out because i think they know to be a bit guarded about it oh yeah for a broader audience appeal which you know get it or whatever um but when it comes out oh it's just like god i forgot that i was ignoring that part of you just pretending that you like whatever when someone's secretly religious yes and like and i don't fundamentally have a well okay i do have many issues with religion but like i always think of my what's what religion has ever

done to anybody oh my god but i always think of my nonna and think of like how much joy religion brings to her life and i see like a merit there oh yeah but not not often and it happens all the time with my crazy fucking reptile youtubers because they all drop they never say oh my god they all say oh my gosh oh my god and i it makes my skin tanks on fire again it happens more often than you think darling well turn down those heat lamps darling well you know you're gonna pay for the good brands sponsored by this video um and yeah oh my gosh just makes my skin crawl because i'm like oh you're afraid to say a fucking word but it is weird

like the the undercurrent theme of this episode is about like youth is it like we used to have a very distinct adult culture and kid culture and they kind of inhabited different times even just in the like when it was free-to-air television you had kids programming that happened from 3 till 6 30 and that was it and then adult entertainment happened at movie theaters and happened later in the evening and that was just not geared towards children but because we've flattened everything with the internet kids are now on the same platforms at the same time as adults like tiktok and youtube and so it's like everything now needs to cater simultaneously to children and adults. So like movies all need to be like good enough.

Like Marvel films need to be like you can take an eight-year-old to see and they're not going to be bored. And you can also take an adult to it and they won't be bored. And the same with YouTube and TikTok. these family friendly values makes these little christian people the natural heir apparent to youtube because the whole thing is set up to weed out you seeing people that swear people that speak about adult themes or ideas and just drop them off like they will algorithmically not ever show up and not ever get a foothold. So the people like Dude Perfect and, you know, Tati Westbrook and all these like super Christian evangelical people who just happen to very perfectly fit into what senses enjoy are being fed to us and having careers as a result of this flattening of entertainment. It's so disturbing

and trisha is a one rare gift cutting through all of that well so it's got to be tarty that's the video yeah well we'll get to the point where we decide what we're watching it on oh yes because i know what tech device I want in the bunker, but that's another episode. Okay, we can discuss that later, yeah. And I think that there will be a transcript of the Bi-Sister video, probably like chiseled into some sort of like a nice, you know, tasteful stone, maybe not a marble, but like a something,

you know, an onyx or something. In the library is what I'm... Yes. Certainly Tati is not in the bunker. No, no, no. But I will take her pallet. It looked good. What was it called? Like Natural Essentials 1 or something.

Well, that's the thing. Tati can't be in the bunker. She'll be in heaven. She will have been taken by God. Can I tell you that if i see her fucking lifting up away from the planet i will launch a spear and it will ping her to the center of the sun

from your dino rider correct yeah they're well equipped for that get her not so fast yeah you better hope that god has set up a kind of teleportation thing because the heathens are not gonna let a bunch of people ascend in this economy because our army of heathens will be riding volantis and then we'll get right up there and pull them down

yeah lady gaga is not going to heaven and neither is volantis couldn't get that high yeah amazing well i'm glad we that was a good one i think we've made some very good contributions to the bunker this week yeah yeah whether the people know it or not um that magic wand thing yeah some dynariders and an apology video okay thanks so much for joining us, everyone. Thank you all. You look so good today as well. You look absolutely stunning. And really, you don't hear this enough, but goddamn, it's working. Whatever you did, that's working.

Death to Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matthew Shears. Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. You can contact us at deathtoeveryonepod at gmail.com and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash deathtoeveryone. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Thank you.