Death To Everyone - Death To... Carrie Bradshaw, Milk & Boob Jobs

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

Welcome to "Death To Everyone!" Join your hosts Lazy Susan & Zelda Moon as they decide what should remain once the world arrives at its inevitable end. What kind of plastic surgery are people getting after the apocalypse? Which of the Sex and The City girlies are allowed access to the bunker? And most importantly, at the end of times, what kind of coffee order is allowed? All this and more in the latest instalment of Death To Everyone. Death To Everyone!!! Follow us, won't you? https://www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone https://www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod https://www.instagram.com/mslazysusan https://twitter.com/MsLazySusan https://www.instagram.com/zeldamoon https://twitter.com/zelda__moon Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. https://www.facebook.com/naturalhabitatstudios

🎵 Hello. Back of hair today. And that outfit or thing you aren't wearing, also good. And if you're in house or office, car or a walk. Go on. I hope they're good. Good for you. Good for you doing that. Hello, Zelda Moon. Hello, Lazy Susan.

Hello. Welcome to death to everyone. It's the end of time but thankfully lazy susan and i are here to help curate the experience for the next generation yes well that's it i'm so excited for this upcoming apocalypse this week lazy susan how is the world being taken out oh straight off the bat into well do you know what i went with gregoo last time and i'm gonna go with the ai destruction of the world i'm obsessed because what does ai do how does it destroy us is the fun thing yeah um like does it you know get all the nuclear codes and you know do it that way or something with the electrical grid where all our appliances

get pumped with too much amplitude and electrocute us all in our homes. Could happen. Or satellites fire the sun's rays into... I don't know how AI works. What do computers do? Do you think... What do you think of the argument or like that conversation of like that ai is taking work away from artists because for example

like when people might say that about like artwork that we generate or like you know i'm like i'm talking about that comment on youtube it's like right except that i would never commission an artist to do that artwork so like it's not taking away from an artist because I wouldn't have paid an artist to do it. Yeah, I think it's definitely going to take work away from people in advertising, which is where I used to work. Because if I was a brand and, you know, the kind of lower level stuff of just churning out Instagram posts with captions like chachi bt can do that pretty fucking well and you just need one person to kind of press the go button or double check it right like but as far as like art goes like in the fine art world the like actual

aesthetics of an image haven't been tied to the value of art for a long time like i don't think like it maybe it's going to ruin someone's deviant art career or whatever but like i think like the world probably reached its saturation point for like whimsical young girls with antlers which is the real market that i see ai cornering yes but that was never out to begin with so who cares oh my god did you have a deviantart account no don't lie i didn't i was not that that uh online that early wow yeah except my very like three-week boyfriend from when I was 16 who, oh my God, actually no, I was 17 and he was in first year uni. Oh. Which is creepy now, I'm aware, but he was probably 19.

Two years difference. Yeah, but like, I don't know, I was in high school. Yeah. And anyway, so he, when I stayed at his house in Frankston. Did he have a big dick? Solomon, that's crass. No. Anyway, when I stayed at his house in Frankston.

Yeah. He had his DeviantArt open. And he was like looking at cool things. And I was like, this guy is so cool. He's at university. And he showed me an at cool things. And I was like, this guy is so cool. He's at university. And he showed me an image of Paul Newman. And it was just after Paul Newman had died. You know, the pasta sauce guy.

Kinda. Okay. So there's an actor named Paul Newman who started a pasta sauce brand that's explicitly just about raising money for charity. He gives like 100% of the profits go to charity for Paul Newman's source. And his whole big face is on every jar of the source. He had just died. However, I thought it was Charlton Heston because Charlton Heston had just died.

He was the former head of the NRA. Like he was super into guns rights in America. And he's like kind of the devil incarnate, also an actor. And so I was like, oh, thank God he's dead. Ew, get rid of him. Ew, disgusting about this man who's like devoted his life to giving money to charity. And I never corrected that. So I think he thought that I just thought that Paul Newman was a piece of shit.

And that might have been why we broke up after the three weeks. Wait, and he was looking up Paul Newman fan art on DeviantArt? Yo, I think it was in his feed. Oh my God. He was, you know, a cerebral young man. Wow. Who clearly dated boys in high school. Imagine, no, that's weird.

Yeah. If you are in first year uni and you date someone in high school, babe, what happened? Yeah. It's like teenage years are like dog years you know oh yeah yeah so no deviant art wow do you have did you have neopets no i also just i wasn't i didn't care too much like i don't care about that like boo like why would i spend my time on a computer like Like, it just seems like such a waste. Particularly then, it was like there were so many things happening.

What were you doing instead of curating your Neopets and their pet pets? Like, hanging out with friends, gossiping, having a boyfriend. I don't know. Who was collecting the free omelets? Why play Neopets when you can play MSN and manipulate the lives of the people around you? We have to be uncomputed to do that. Yeah was okay i'm much more invested in that that made it worth it you know rumbling someone oh the rumble or the um the appear offline appear offline appear back online hello i'm here now did you see but also god i love appear offline i just want to appear offline at all times.

Well, you're doing pretty well. Did you ever deviate in art? Of course you did. I did. I did. It was awful. What was on it? Some like poor illustrations, some worse paintings, and then like photography.

But it was very much like I would set out on like a day to like have a new image to upload and what sort of photos we're talking a puddle a reflection of a building in a puddle then flipped upside down where all the color was taken out except for the blue sky no i've always hated that and i hate like mirror you hate mirrors and it shows shows. They hate me. And can we find this still? Is it still out? I think so, yeah. Excellent. And am I looking for Canosaurus?

Yes. Okay. For those of you playing at home, go and find Canosaurus on DeviantArt and maybe we'll have some gorgeous little pieces. Oh, yuck. Oh, my God. That is so embarrassing. But I did make a lifelong friend from DeviantArt.

Who? His name's Andres. I've never heard of this person. You have. He's Hungarian and he now lives in Geneva. And I was going to meet him for the first time earlier this year, but I ended up moving it. But we will meet him next year when we're in Italy for Benin's wedding.

Is he gay? Yeah. We're going to fuck. Yeah. Wow. Wait, is this a romance that's been brewing your entire life? Since I was like 15, yeah. Wait, really?

Yeah. Yeah, we've been like friends for 20 years and we've never met. And when did the sexual component come into it? Oh, it wasn't always there maybe like when we added each other on like snapchat or something um taylor's oldest time but again like nothing crazy but yeah he's a very like handsome. It'd be great. Excellent. He had a really hot ex as well. Yeah. He's incredibly intelligent.

I think he works for the UN or something. Oh, my God. Yeah. Crazy. And that man's name? Barack Obama. I couldn't think of a single person who works for the UN. Nope.

Who from the UN is going in the bunker? None of them. We can't remember a single one of their names. I guess they're doing good, I guess. And your week? Your week's been good? Yeah, you know, it's been good. It's been good.

Busy week. Another busy week. Now, if you don't have anything interesting to say, I'm going to cut this. Wow. Yeah, no, we had our pinnacle gig on friday then i performed with art and which passion couture on the weekend which was lots of fun how does it feel to perform around real drag queens um it's confronting yeah it is upsetting to be around people like passionate art because they're um you know the combination of like

pristine makeup and perfect hair and well-made costumes that are not falling apart and there's no kind of mysterious odor yes emanating from them it's just weird it's uh i'm it's all quite new to me really well it's like going to a rich kid's house in high school you're like oh everything's so nice here i didn't think people could live like this i remember i don't know that he was particularly rich but whatever there was this like kid in primary school who like i was like loosely friends with and i went to his house one day and there was another person that i can't remember who and we were listening to spice girls and we were like running around upstairs like playing spice girls and doing that thing where you like flip your T-shirt

into the neck hole to make it into a little crop top. You know that thing? Well, I was never a slut as a child. So we were all doing that, like little faggots and like running around. And then like his mom came upstairs unexpectedly and caught us all being sissies upstairs listening to spice girls with little crop tops on and then i like left immediately you left immediately it's like i gotta go bye oh that's hard yeah oh the shame the shame of it all well i did have i had a rich friend growing

up called cameron and he had walkie talkies at one point that were from Aldi. And they were like $100 walkie talkies that you could use to speak to truckers, which is how we had a lot of people be like, get off your faggots. When we had like an afternoon of playing with the walkie talkies. Like you could hook into actual trucker radio. Yeah, because they were like radio radios. Oh my God. Designed for like going onto different radio waves. The truckers called you faggots? could hook into actual trucker radio yeah because they were like radio radios like designed for like going on to different radio waves and like the truckers called you faggots they yeah well

they're like not they don't have to do child care like they're just like you need to get off this fucking frequency because i'm trying to speak to i don't know my dispatch team or yeah whatever yeah and we're like playing hide and seek around the house. I'm like, where are you? And the truck is like, oh, God. Anyway, so then I was like, oh, I'll make it sound like my voice is coming out of this vase. And it's so fabulous. And then I like put it in the vase, and then it was filled with water. And I just dunked the $100 walkie-talkie into the water.

And then, of course, because I think I was like primary school, like Cameron was like, you stupid fucking idiot. What have you done? What have you done? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. And he's like, get the fuck out of my house. Oh, my God.

And then I ran home crying. Oh. You were trying to talk like this but then also like this talk like in the vase yeah and then cameron's mom called my mom was like just let robbie know it's okay it's fine oh yeah um oh that there was this one time where i was at um these like uh there were twins in my year level and we were at the twins house for our i think it was their birthday party which everyone of course has to be invited to yeah the twins birthday party in the class yes well they were how'd you fuck that one up

neither one of them likes you in a class of 25 kids um they were the evil twins and they didn't have a lot of friends the evil twins yeah there was evil about them they were evil what kind of evil like naughty like bad like they stab people with a compass yes or like would throw rocks and like you know like gash people's eyebrow and stuff that's quite chic yeah like constantly being like suspended and blah blah blah but this one year we must have been like maybe like 13 or 14 or something we were at their house for the sleepover and one of my friends found a clipboard of like printed out um hentai and at their house and like in the bedroom and like because that's how it worked you know you would print it out um and he like it was it wasn't like it was like oh i just put it back it was like look at this and it was like you know like dragon Z, hentai or whatever. Who was involved?

Bulma. And? I can't remember. Oh my god. Probably Cell. Oh, that's hard. Yeah, that's hard. I mean, like, obviously we were all looking up hentai all the time.

What? Yeah. That, I don't know. That feels very straight boy. Hentai? Yeah. What's the gay hentai? Like ya ya ya yaoi yaoi it comes with a small toy inside we were watching like bait bus that was our vibe oh bait bus is good well one

day not today when we talk about which porn goes in the bunker yeah bait bus spoiler alert we'll be in discussion oh okay interesting um yeah but god damn it was so embarrassing for him poor kid it was like tortured the whole night where do you think he is now um that man went on to become an animator for disney animation studios i don't know what they're up to these days i could probably find that out very easily but i shan't okay okay well let's dive in i can't do this you transition let's have a quick break let's do it welcome back everyone for our first topic of discussion today we have a topic that has been pitched by our beloved patreon audience we will be discussing today which milk makes it into the bunker and by extension which like coffee order thanks to

james alexander from our patron oh james alexander uh yes okay so so james in all of their infinite wisdom decided to crawl onto the internet and ask two strangers to discuss their favorite type of milk. Yeah. And what a riveting conversation it shall be, James. Well, as a barista of 10 years, Matt can attest to this. Oh, yeah, I was there. Yeah, I did barist. Milk, what a divisive topic. Some people drink it, some don't. Some people, is anyone drinking milk?

Milk. Collars, the lines are now open. But Matt, you don't drink milk, do you? You look weak, you look pale. Yeah, I just have oat milk now. That's right. Yeah. But I actually, interesting, I was looking up a recipe today

to make my own oat milk. It's just water and oats, isn't it? Yeah, there's a little bit more to it than that, Lazy. Don't disregard. Don't disregard your 35 minutes of Googling. That's right. Well, I think the key is to try and get it frothy, you know, like if you want to get a good froth, you've got to put some other things in there, you know.

Okay. Magic beans and stuff. I remember like speaking to my friend Sunday in LA and she was like, oh, it's going to be huge next year in Melbourne. You don't even know how big it's about to get. And I was like, are you kidding me? It's all about soy, bonsai. And she's like, no, you don't even know.

Oh, my God. All of the like chic, skinny, mini dieticians and wellness coaches from LA are coming in and having their oat lattes. Wow. And as Sunday said, came to pass. Oat is the thing. Oat is also the best. Yes. Oat is delicious, which is, I presume, the most important metric.

Well, it's not ridiculously like resource heavy in its production like almond milk, which is like almonds. You should be lucky, humanity. We're not having almonds anymore. There's not enough bees. We need those bees for other things, like sending swarms in boxes to people's houses. Have you seen this, though, with the almond trees, the almond farms,

the farmers now have to rent bees from elsewhere to pollinate the almond trees. And in China, they've just skipped right over that. And now they have a like workforce of people that are sent to all day individually pollinate flowers. Oh, please tell me that they wear black and yellow costumes.

It's mandatory if i was in charge of that slavery camp i mean whatever that is yeah that would be what they were wearing yeah um i when i move house i really want to get a little apiary i want bees do you want bees or a dog more? Dog. And do you want a dog or a turtle more? Dog. And do you want a dog or a boyfriend more?

Boyfriend. I think dog might be the best way to get to that. Okay. So anyway, I'm going to get bees. I mean, maybe bees. Bees are so cool. Could have a nice beekeeping date. Yeah, maybe. I only have one suit we'll have to share.

Get in. Get into the suit. There are bees in here. They always find a way love does um um yeah well i know you know what speaking of dogs and milk there has never been anything worse than when they started making puppuccinos dog friendlyfriendly cappuccinos. That's disgusting. Also, I just, it's like, why does your dog need to be in attendance at the cafe?

Your dog doesn't know unless it's on your route and you're like, I'll stop for a coffee at Benson's and have a latte. Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. But some people are like taking the dog out like it's a guest. Yeah. Like it's a friend that they have that they paid for to sit with them. And like they're having lengthy times at the cafe with the dog just sitting there

not knowing what's going on because it doesn't understand this tradition. Yeah. Let the dog go home or walk around somewhere else. Yeah yeah so you have worked as a barista for many years my first job was in a bakery and i was sometimes tasked with coffee preparation was this down on the peninsula it was was this in the early 2000s it was and how was the quality of that coffee? I imagine it was rancid. Was it Genovese? Oh, that does ring a bell. Yeah, they send out the free grinder, coffee machine, umbrellas,

and like stoppers with the Genovese brand on it. So people do that. But it's terrible coffee. Burnt. Burnt. it's so people do that yeah but um it's terrible coffee burnt burnt yeah but goddamn i hated operating that machine i hate i just i can't do customer service in any way and yet you've devoted your life to customer facing jobs up until now yeah but i'm back of house you know but i was very bad at it like also i was 14 and nine months um so you know like what hope was there also that obnoxious smacking of like the like wet grinds into that thing oh it's so loud well you should have like a a rubber you know piece on the there was no rubber on the peninsula yeah

the trees hadn't come to maturity yet not in the early 2000s darling yeah jenna sequoia should have been providing those i started working at hudson's coffee home of australia's coffee which was terrible and when i started working, they had a beverage called the quad shot, which is four shots of coffee and like a pump of caramel and then ice and then milk. And it was taken off the market because it was found to be like against health regulation. Oh my God.

And my friend Jasmine, who worked in the call center above me, because we all had shit jobs at the time who got me the job at the hudson's coffee was like having two of those a day and then she started having heart palpitations because she was having eight cups of coffee a day oh my god and so much sugar and so much milk oh and that back in the day that would have just been milk right yeah milk cow, milk milk. Cow milk. Which, you know, okay, so here's the thing.

For like a splash in a long black, that's my bev of choice. Yeah. A little bit of real cow's milk. Oh, why not? Go on. But for the rest of it, no. Do you want to explain how you normally order your coffee? Could I just get a long black with some cold milk on the side? And now explain

how you order a glass of wine um can i please just get the white wine and can i get a little bit of ice in that because i'm a bogan no can i have the ice in a glass on the side well sometimes if i'm feeling fancy but it's usually because they've already brought over the wine and i'm like i just want some ice to put into it um because usually the wine that i'm ordering is very cheap and so when you cool it down quite a lot it becomes better because you can't taste it as much jesus so it's enjoyable this complication has reminded me of other complicated things that i hate namely like very hot oh okay so yeah that's a thing like what that's an old person thing and i don't mean to like throw boomers under the bus but i think it comes with age because you want it to be hotter

so that you can feel something and that's not me being insensitive that's just like you know if you live through like parents who were scarred by the ramifications of World War II, you might be like a bit emotionally stunted and need like a hot coffee to really perk you up in the morning. I just have no nerve endings left. That's right. Like you heat it to the temperature that it needs to be heated to. Going beyond that. Like, I just don't understand. There was a woman who used to come into Blondie

Where I used to work with Matt And there was a woman that came in there And was like can I get a long black And I was like yeah So that's just boiling hot water With a shot of espresso Or two shots of espresso And she was like it's not hot enough

I'm like no but this is boiling. This is giving me PTSD already. This is as hot as it gets. I'm so sorry. And she was like, take it back. Because in like the artisanal coffee world, there's like very, like so as I worked up as a barista i ended up at a place which was like had a head barista who's super specific and won like you know a bunch of competitions in

australia and was like he'd been hired specifically because he was going to be the head barista and everything had to be to an exacting thing so it's like it needed to be like you know 23 grams of bean going in and the yield needed to be a certain amount and like the the length of the pour needed to be you know a certain amount of time and then when that was done the milk needed to be an exact kind of temperature range so you didn't kind of overpower the coffee. If someone was making the massive faux pas of having milk with their coffee. Oh, 23 gram of bean. Yep.

I, but it does. I mean, like when you taste good coffee, you're like, well, that's why. Yeah.

Okay. Like it all makes sense. It's not like Coke is changing the recipe every time they make you a Coke and you'd be pissed if they were, but it's like with coffee, you're just like at the whim of whoever the fuck is making it yeah and it's terrifying i when i when i travel around this great country of ours for touring you really have to in your mind make a snap judgment about the person behind that coffee machine like if it's like young boy on the peninsula on he's more concerned with his deviant art post of the day than he is with making a coffee you need to

quickly adjust what you're going to be drinking yeah true so i'll be like oh can i just grab a three quarter full latte yeah okay so it's not as reliant on the taste of the coffee that's important that's a skill people need to develop i like that cafe that we found in Perth. Very good. There's usually one. Every city has one place where someone from Melbourne has wormed their way in and been like, God, that's so pretentious.

We're going to do this. We're going to sort this out. Ew. Listen to yourself. If everywhere else was making a good product i'd be fine but they're not it's like a cliche for a reason i hate it even in italy what the fuck are those people doing i had a coffee and rum that was the most putrid thing i've ever had it's like you people invented it but like one of you invented it but we perfected it

i'm like you're meant to make it better after. You're not meant to just stick with that first Edison bulb. Okay. So, milk. Milk. I choose oat milk because I prefer it for the flavor basically and the cruelty right yes were you part of the milk program at school oh okay yes for some years yes which i loved so chic yeah also that is a scam and a half.

The Australian government is so in the pocket of the dairy farmers that they're giving out milk to school kids. Like, what the fuck is happening there? What is Yakult? Like, it's like a yogurt-y, like what yogurt is, but with, like, a watery vibe. It's good. I love Yakult.

Can you have a coffee made with your cult listen that's an idea that's a great idea someone write this down i reckon maybe it would be like sour and sweet your cults are very sweet what about uht milk that's just long life oh okay that's just on life yeah for the bunker actually oat milk yes it's the only thing that will survive but it's zelda i think you're limiting your imagination here because for milk yeah you are a chocolate milk girl oh that's true i do like a chocolate milk and already in the fucking bunker is a strawberry thick shake made with milk. Yeah, at some point. So I think you're kind of misleading everyone here by saying oat milk. Oh, well, no, I'm not.

Because I want an iced latte with oat milk. You know, that's my... Not a Nippy's honeycomb? Oh, milky beverages. Oh, I am. Nippies is so good. Also, you know, it's only called Big M in a few other states. Yeah.

In other states, it's called something else. Ew. Big M is the only name that I'll accept. Also, they got rid of the small Big M. Oh, like the... Which I just just i'm not going for that big one you can't seal it back up i'm not drinking 500 mils of fucking big m there is chocolate milk in one sitting are you fucking deluded put a screw cap on it or call it

a day there is something that is something about It's like having a glass of milk is disgusting. Any kind of milk. But here's the thing, and this is what I did the other day. I'd bought some cookies from Woolworths. Oh my God. As a little treat. You're depressed. No, they were just there.

They were $5 for this pretzel and salted caramel cookie oh my god like a blonde cookie uh-huh and i purchased it took it back to my home in my car and then i put it in the pantry and waited a few hours to let it rest make it think that i wasn't going to devour it all in one sitting and then once it got comfortable i came back to snatch up one of those cookies and i was like well i can't just have a cookie on my own. I need to have a little glass of milk with it for the dunking. Oh, my God. So you poured just like cold milk into a glass?

Yeah. Like what type of milk? Full cream, baby. Wow. It was a half glass. Just enough for the dunking. Okay. Well, that is fucked up.

But, you know, like when you bite Tim Tam edge and then like suck a hot chocolate through the Tim Tam. Ah, yes, the Tim Sam slam. That's good. Okay, so oat milk's going in the bunker. Yeah. Now, are we putting it in a vessel or are we just pouring it in? I think it has to be in like, you know, like giant cartons of milk. You know, like.

Like classic. Yeah. Like classic. Yeah. Like metal. Yes. Okay. Yeah, like kegs of milk. Keg? Maybe a keg.

Yeah. A keg or two? Yeah. Well, enough to last forever. Three maybe. Okay. Gwyneth is definitely drinking oat milk. I don't think Gwyneth is drinking anything oh god

she wakes up in the morning and has her chicken broth oh true and that's her treat for the day oh my god another day of life there is like oh you know like videos of like when you're like squeezing the milk out of a cow and then like there's the steam coming off the fucking bucket ew there's something so wholesome and fabulous that it comes out of an animal yeah it's like plums from the tree carrots from the earth milky milk from the udder have would you ever like suck it out if i was like on a very like majestic farm experience maybe i'd be a different person then i'd wear hats and like loose flowing shirts and i'd be so happy it's such a strong jet force though well also you can get like brain parasites from drinking unpasteurized milk

ew yeah there's like kids that grow up on farms that they drink the milk that hasn't been pasteurized and they're fucking weird oh wow yeah also one final milk thought i think um you know like a muck up day how people will drink like seven liters of milk and green food dye and then run around the car park until they vomit. Sorry? You know how people do that? Zelda, I didn't grow up where you grew up. Well, people did that and it really put me off milk. They ran around with seven liters of milk inside of their bodies.

You know, like the, like the rigor. Why not water? Because milk is grosser. Oh. Yeah. Okay. And it's opaque. So it captures the color.

Yes. But yeah. And where would they vomit? On the asphalt or onto the cars? Oh God. Everywhere. Everywhere. Who was doing this?

Your friends? No, I didn't. Am I going to finish that sentence? Were you dressed up? Everyone dresses up at the last day of school. Yeah. So my first school,

which was a community school when i i guess was in year nine there was only one person in year 12 yeah because it was such a small school like 120 kids from prep to year 12 so there's one year 12 and he was like the star diva of the school and he'd very famously had like a brain tumor and survived like the brain tumor and then was like the light of people's lives he was like untouchable um and he was kind of the mascot of the school yeah he met weird al as part of his make a wish uh my god all of this say muck up day rolls around yeah and he fucks up the entire school like puts off milk on all the carpets throughout the entire school puts sticks in the locks like destroys everything and then the day comes and they're like well we know who did this this was your your only person in muck up day. Yeah.

Wow. That's great. Yeah. Burn those bridges. It's over. Yeah. I'm fab. Well, oat milk, you did it, girl.

Three kegs of oat milk. All right. We'll be right back. Hello. So now it's time to discuss, debate, and decide upon what plastic surgery is allowed in the bunker. Oh. We're only going to have one procedure for all the people down there. Yeah. And the megalodons.

Megalodon. So what procedure are the people allowed? Okay. So it's not like, so people can come in as they are. We're not reversing anything. But we'll be opening up a clinic with one procedure available. One procedure. And this does not include Botox or filler because that's not plastic surgery it needs to be going under the

knife yeah yeah yeah and are we doing it under the lens of like um cosmetic plastic surgery i think we have to i think because it's a bit boring if it's like skin graft because you got burnt by you know the heater on the megalodon tank you know yeah i'm also gonna like quickly dodge the element that obviously we allow full gender affirmation surgeries down in the bunker and we're not wading into these waters yes i'm talking about shallow plastic surgery yeah um so anything like that you can have yeah um but yes so of the shallow but now that you bring up the burns on the heater yeah there was a phenomenon that i have noticed in australia yeah specifically okay so in la if you were going to a plastic surgeon you'd be like this guy is so good or this person is so good.

They did Julia Roberts' nose or whatever. They'd point to the celebrity that they'd done because they have enough of like the ecosystem of high-profile celebrities that are so famous that you can point to their work that's so beautiful and aesthetically like precise. Then, wow. In Australia, we do not have that network of stars so the way that

you point out the good plastic surgery is like this guy is amazing he actually worked on all the victims from the bali bombings like i don't know why and i swear i'm not doing a bit this has been said to me like three times by three separate people. They would be like, oh, yeah. And it's like he's not even just doing celebrity stuff. He's doing like life-saving work. Wow. Yeah.

It's so dark. It's so evil. Fucking hell. Yeah. Okay. Well, my tangent is growing up, I was like and continue to be so fearful of three things. One and two very similar,

which is like touching either the oven glass or the fireplace glass and like my skin like fusing to the glass and then being unable to pull off because i've melted on would it come off in like a mozzarella style strand if you were so lucky yes oh my god and to my understanding that is what happens when you touch those surfaces if they're hot enough oh horrifying um and then the other is like a iron like a clothes iron like falling oh from the from the clothes board but it's like got that pointed angle and it goes right into your eye socket because that would just fit so perfectly and then it stays there well while it's burning

the fucking shit out of you yeah i think it would probably just bounce off. I wouldn't have time to burn. No, because it would melt on instantly, I presume. Oh, so scary. So hopefully the plastic surgeon can help with that. But, you know, that's not what we're talking about here. So I love a classic boob job. Very iconic. Boob job, yes. And that feels like very much like the 90s plastic surgery like that was

that and the ski slope nose the iconic nose of the 90s oh yeah which i think is like that the thing about the faces that plastic surgeons give people is that like you look at them and the people surrounding them you're like like, do you understand like aesthetics? Like do you understand like what looks good on a person? Because I don't believe you do. Like you're wearing those shoes. Like you're wearing chinos. Like now you're going to re-sculpt this woman's face.

Like you can't even dress yourself. Your brother's a surgeon. He is. But a bone surgeon. Yes. He's not a plastic surgeon. Which is such a shame. But a bone surgeon. Yes. He's not a plastic surgeon. Which is such a shame. What a missed opportunity.

Yeah. For your whole family. Kidding. You're a very attractive family. Wow. Yeah. But he has had some plastic surgery done, actually. For a skin graft.

On what? for a skin graft. On what? Because he had a weird thing on his finger that he had removed and then he had to get a skin graft there. So they took skin from his underarm and put the skin here. That's not the height of Hollywood glamour

that I would like for our bunker. Do you know what? I was back in the day, from the three-week boyfriend to the three-month boyfriend with a boyfriend of three months who is beautiful. And I was like, you know,

doing that thing where you're like lying in bed, just being like, and I was like, oh, you just have the most beautiful cheekbones. And he was like, they're fake. I was like, what? And he was like, they fake i was like what and he was like they're not real oh my god three months in and he was like these aren't my cheekbones and i was like i'm touching them with my finger and then he was just like so for the longest time i wanted to get a nose job. And then I went to a doctor because I was like,

I'm going to get my nose changed just a bit smaller. And he was like, you don't need a smaller nose. You need bigger cheekbones. That will rebalance your face, which is the sort of advice that I'd want from someone. Totally. Be like, don't pay for just one nose. Pay for two cheekbones.

And then he was like, he gave me these um inserts that start off and i don't know what they're made out of they must be like a plastic or like you know whatever but like you put it over the bone and then the bone grows through it and he explained it to me like you know those concrete reefs that they put out that the coral reefs then grow around. I know all about it. Yeah. That's what was happening in his face. Inside of his face.

So now the like insert had become bone. Wow. Isn't that cool? That's so cool. Yeah. How old was he? In his thirties. Okay.

Yeah. Who? Well, I can't, you know know reveal this live on air but yeah who but then it did happen have i seen these cheekbones no okay it did happen again with my next boyfriend after that and i was like i love your nose and then he was like it's it's not why what and i was like what he was like i just had it like shaved down a little bit wow yeah they walk amongst us androids yeah cyborgs yeah yeah wow i i prefer a boob job over nose job because you can go up or down. What do you mean?

Like boob job. You can go bigger or smaller. Yeah. Because I've known gals who have needed like a breast reduction. The reduction. The Drew Barrymore. Yes. Oh, yeah.

I know Drew. And that is like a goddamn like life-changing operation. That should be free. But as can be. Yes, it should be. But as can be a size up as well. That can completely change people's lives too. And does, except it makes you sick. This is the whole thing that Michelle Visage was talking about

when she had her breast implants removed, is that the silicone, your body's like constantly fighting it. It's like, there's something inside me. Get it out of me. Not like the implants where the fat just grows through the coral reef. Maybe they should do that. And then the rib cage could just grow some breast size lumps. Stop bumping the poles, Elder.

That's my first bump. Did you hear that in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. Keep going. Keep going. Don't good keep going keep going don't stop yeah i don't know i think a nose is more profound to the career of someone look at the hadid bella when she had that nose fixed it changed everything oh my god and by fixed of course i mean put in line with contemporary beauty standards i don't mean to police this woman's look.

But when she had her nose finally put in line with contemporary beauty standards, she's now one of the highest paid models in the world. Wow. Before then, a crone. Oh, maybe first place at a fucking county fair, pig. you know jesus oh god what is going on in there um yeah no i don't think that about bella hadid i don't think anything about bella hadid i'm saying i don't even know what she looks like but she looks she does look beautiful she looks like very beautiful russian lady you know i could have had a nose job because i had the deviated septum

that fixed and the guy was like while you're under we can do some bits and bobs and anyone that has seen my face knows that i have a fucking jacked up nose yeah but i was like i had in my head one of my friends a long time ago was like if you ever got rid of your nose which is like a kind of aquiline like very like bird beak nose um a bald eagle but small she was like if you ever got rid of that nose, you would just be the plainest looking person I've ever seen. Wow. So I thought about that and then I didn't get anything done. You didn't get anything done?

Well, I did have, but that's not, I mean, it isn't surgery, but I did have the lipo around the chin back after lockdown. Yes. So that's just like they they inject you in three spots at the tip of your chin and then around the what is that the the jaw yeah and i was gonna because i've been looking into doing the the freezing yes and then that whole story came out about linda evangelista and how she'd been fucked over by that totally which i think might have been bullshit i think something else happened

there but drugs i don't know but anyway so then i was like well if i'm gonna do it like you might as well just do the quick fix like where you just do it all in one afternoon oh and it literally is that and i remember going in to the place, which is like, I don't know, a cosmetology place, the back of a fucking like Chadston shopping center. No. And they were like, the woman was just like, I'm so excited. I'm about to go and get my very first Chanel purse, but first we've got to do you.

Okay. And then they put like a bit of numbing cream on and then they come in and they like pull it out of you and then they're like put it in like a little vial and they're like this is how much we took out of your face did you get to keep it no you know but like i, I don't know what the other like alternative reality is. I think it was like very much like a post COVID spiral of like, I think when everyone emerged from COVID, we all had like a bit of like, basically it felt like two years had just like leaped in front of us. Yeah. Like particularly in Melbourne. Yeah.

And I think it was more tied to that time of feeling. I just want to like do something. It was fab. But I also don't think that it's like maybe it did change things but it like it definitely didn't change anything significantly yeah but i think it was also just like oh how fun and it's like i don't have a kind of like moral quandary around like everyone's beautiful and you need to stay exactly how you are genetically in order to stay in that realm no that's like the closest

that either of us have come to any actual plastic surgery well and the nose which i could have had done properly yeah but no i agree like the nose is so interesting and it's not ugly you know like it's interesting not ugly to get it changed no like your nose oh right you know like one of those ugly people noses no but you know like there's ugly noses out there yeah but it's not ugly it's just like it's distinct yeah that's for sure and it was broken that's why it looks this way how did you break your nose tegan my sister's friend backed into me while we were playing basketball when i was the tender age of 11 basketball yeah and i ran up to my mom and was like, my nose is broken.

She was like, no, it's not. You're fine. And then later on, a doctor would tell me, this nose has been broken for a long time. The cartilage is not intact. I, as you are closer to this subject matter, I'm happy to go with your decision. I think a nose or brow lift, maybe a full facelift. That's quite chic. Yeah. As you are closer to the subject matter, I'm happy to go with your decision. I think a nose or a brow lift. Maybe a full facelift.

That's quite chic. Yeah. Looking surprised for all time. Everyone can look surprised in the bunker. Well, actually, that's the thing. It's like, do we want people to be able to frown? I don't want people being sad in the bunker. You're just going to surgically remove the ability for people to express disappointment in the bunker? Yeah.

I think very taut faces. Yeah, that could be a vibe. Snatched up. Like the XX skin like snatched into a tight ponytail behind the head. Wow. Stitched into place. Sounds great. Okay.

Facelifts for all. Facelifts in the bunker surprise finish sadly boob jobs none of the bunker oh you made that choice oh do we need mandatory boob jobs as well boobs for all boob they're called boobs ed my friend's mom was always like boobs there's not a single person in the world that doesn't love boobs. They're fun. And I was like, that might be true, Karen. Because if you've been a baby and your parents loved you. My God.

Boobs jobs as well. As well? As well. Okay. All right. If we can have the Megalodon and Mega Malali, we can have boob jobs and faceless for all. Sold. Okay, lock it in.

We'll be right back. Hello and welcome back everybody. Our third and final topic for today. Now, is it too soon to bring this up? I don't know, but we're just going to go for it. We're just going to dive in. We are picking which of the four ladies from Sex and the City, the characters, the characters, not not the actors are entering the bunker

yeah carrie miranda the other two samantha and charlotte i know spoken like that charlotte you are oh my god mean, it's obvious, obviously. Samantha. No. Carrie. Yeah, it's gotta be Carrie. Carrie's the diva. Carrie's the star. I will never understand this Carrie hate.

I just don't get, I think the internet jumped on it so fucking fast to dog SJP legitimately. Her and Cynthia Nixon might be the only two actors in the show of sex in the city yes yes like kim cattrall is good at doing this but she's not an actor like what is she being good in no apart from sex in the city the show that is specifically written to her capabilities as an actor yes like she gets the pithy one line it's also the people that are like samantha is the heart and soul of the show it's like no she's the cilantro she's the additional element like she gets the best lines in the show because she's the comedic relief yeah the spine of the show and the hardest job on the show is to be the centerpiece yeah the straight man to the entire goings-on do you call it cilantro i just when i think about being the like additional piece on top okay

but no okay good just checking um matt do you call it cilantro what is cilantro coriander coriander oh curry i call it curry no i wouldn't i would never call it cilantro i'd call it coriander everything's got cilantro on it sarah jessica parker has always had the hardest job on that show which is to because people have accurately pointed out that the character of car Carrie is complicated and not always morally virtuous. Yes. Which is like, yeah, that's why you're interested in the show. She's not a fucking nun walking around making the correct choices like nuns always do.

Yeah. They just made that one bad choice to become a nun. But everything's been good after that. Oh, my God. Can we just quickly, the nuns that like were fighting Katy Perry. What? Tell me you've heard this story. No.

Oh my God. What nuns? Okay. So Katy Perry was trying to buy an old convent. What year? Like this would be maybe 10 years ago okay she was trying to buy an old convent to become her house very chic and there was some nuns that were like please don't you can't do this because they were living there oh and she was like no and

then they went into a protracted legal battle about disputing whether she could buy this house in the first place. And then they all went to court. It didn't settle. It didn't do anything. And it just kept getting hotter and hotter and hotter. And then one of the nuns was in court and she died of a heart attack. And her last words were, Katy Perry, please stop.

Like generally or just about the convent? Katy Perry, please stop. Por favor. It's Catherine Perry. So Katy Perry's going to hell. Wow. Yeah. She's such a good...

She killed a nun. Jesus Christ. Who's your favorite nun? Ooh. It is allowed to be Whoopi Goldberg as a nun. Who is my favorite nun? Mine is Maria. Well, I have never seen The Sound of Music.

Insane. That is insane to me. Who's my favorite nun? We should watch The Sound of Music. Yeah, I guess we could. Yeah. If it's on at a theater. I don't want to. to no because if we watch it at home i can sing along we'll go to a sing-along you think that there's any other kind i don't want to sing with anyone else just it's my show i'm the one that knows all the words then we'll go to a regular screening

no that's my favorite nun okay i'll come back to that okay good oh oh penelope cruz in um uh all about my mother oh the nun dying of hiv aids oh aids aids yeah um She's great. The eight? She's great. It's eight. Okay. What about Charlotte? Charlotte's obviously the worst one. Well, yeah.

Yeah. The performance is not great. No. Like, she is not one of our finest actors. I do feel like it's taking a step down with And Just Like that though well yeah the writing is just terrible well so i think like in and just like that the character of charlotte is a crazy person and the show doesn't acknowledge it as much as it should like her children should fucking hate her if she was this like you know upper east side new york mom who like micromanaged all of their lives they're not having fun laughs together they would fucking hate her

yeah and she has that like nb kid that kid would not be talking to her rock rock would be like fuck you mom yeah and like be looking at like printouts of hentai in their room dare to dream they're not talking to fucking charlotte for another 10 years yeah until they start their indie folk ballad career oh my god yeah um okay so it's definitely not charlotte miranda is a contender of Well, and that's another thing that we've lost in Just Like That. She has improved in season two. Her characterization, like, it's better than season one. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I just, like, I miss, like, where does that woman, the sardonic friend, end up? And maybe it does end up with her being kind of beaten down by her awful ginger son. Who needs to be fucking killed. He's so hot. That kid. Not just like the character, but like the actor that plays him. And anyone who's ever written a line for him needs to be like rounded up and like shot at dawn.

I hate him. I love him. I am so jealous of that little witch that gets to make out with him now i ew miranda no and i hated him even when he was a little child in the show i was like get him out of here that i barely remember if i could pick a character from Sex and the City, it would be Steve. Hey, Miranda. He's so hot. What about from the new crew? Oh, I know who you're going to say.

Yeah. Seema. Seema. I love Seema. Yeah, probably Seema. Yeah, she's fab. So there's the Columbia professor. Yeah.

And there's the other woman with the piercing blue eyes. Yes. And then KDS. And then Carrie's favorite podcast co-host, that guy. Yeah, that guy. Who is awful. He's awful. She would not talk to that guy.

No. At all. Even him being in that final episode it's like she would invite him real also when carrie was having so in the show of and just like that yeah carrie is going to the met gala which for someone who is not a fucking celebrity and it's just like a new york it girl I think she'd be quite excited about. And she's letting that guy that she works with design a girlfriend. Yeah. Make her gown. And the chill with which Carrie is like, oh, the gown isn't finished and it doesn't fit. And you're hand sewing it three hours before the Met Gala.

Like she would be freaking out. Yeah. And swearing at that woman yeah and never talking to her again and likely him yes and that's the plot of the show yes her avoiding him because his girlfriend fucked up her met gala moment yeah and that would be the thing they would talk about for three years after that happened totally every fucking. There'd be an update about that guy sucking and his girlfriend ruining her life. Also,

the way they treated, um, what's his name? Gay guy? Stanford? In that episode. Or maybe, okay,

come! The gay one that's in it. The one that's still alive? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In that whole

Met Gala episode. Oh, yeah. It was so, like, weird and gross. Well, he's not's so, like, weird and gross. Well, he's not a human. He's a gay guy. I think it's because the show is predominantly, like, written by, like, or, like, showrun by Michael Patrick King, who is a gay guy and hates gay guys.

Yeah, but he finally got it with that. Italian. Italian. Yeah. I like that Italian. Ugh. That whole show is terrible it's fun relax take your bra off yes enjoy your free boob job and call it a day have a nice little day and just shut up and watch it would you i? Yeah, I think like SJP is a singular talent in making an abhorrent human being watchable and charismatic and exciting. Because if she isn't that charismatic, no one would watch that show.

Oh, totally. The show does not work without her. Yeah, yeah. I wonder what her wardrobe would be like in the bunker. She can have as much space as she needs. Yes, I think so. But they can't bring the current costume woman. Oh, you want classic.

Yeah. I want Patricia Field back in the bunker. Yeah, okay. Because Patricia Field is like kooky, ooky in a way that works. This other woman's like crazy like inhaling the exhaust from a fucking semi-trailer or something like something weird is going on but also patricia did the styling on my one of my favorite movies of all time confessions of a shopaholic they did get her in to do everything after sex in the city and she also did um devil

wears prada yeah yeah um i'm just gonna throw in a bonus round the girl with the green scarf she's in the munker is that from confessions of a shop you haven't seen it i have seen it i have just spent the rest of my time since seeing it trying to forget it. Yes, it is. Why do you like that movie so much? I don't know. It's just like fun. It's like Devil Wears Prada. It's like the same movie.

Kind of. Another bad film. It's fun. No. It's fun. Have a nice latte and just shut up and relax. Take a Quaalude and call it a day. Have a Yakult, darling.

You like those, don't you? I do. What could Confessants of the Strobicholic do to be more like Yakult and win you over? Well, like a Yakult, it could be smaller. And sweeter. No, I think better for my guts. I just, I don't want to hear any of those confessions of this shopaholic. Because I think that the frothiness misses what's good about those books.

Because I have read The Devil We wears prada book and i read i think i read confessions of a shopaholic huh maybe but at any rate those books are great because they kind of like a bit saucy and a bit like isn't it fucked to be in your like 20s just trying to make it as a gal and the the films kind of miss the fucked upness yeah like i think the best part about devil wears prada in the book is that she's like the only reason that i was able to get the job at runway magazine yeah was because i'd gone overseas and gotten a parasite and was so skinny and malnourished that by the time i got to runway i was able to fit their insane body standards oh my god and like that's an opening place that starts with it's like

what a great indictment of this of how unwell this place will make you and then she starts like chain smoking and becoming an awful person because she's so stressed out by this job and that is more interesting than what the film is which is like i guess she does have a heart but i never want to be like her you know yeah but i okay i just like don't read books like that. They're fun. They're like great for a holiday. I like, I genuinely in my life, like I've read things in high school, but like for recreational reading, I have only ever read fantasy. Yeah. That is it. Give it a shot.

I've never read like a book like that. It's fun like i wouldn't do it every time but like i think the times when i have done it it was literally just like i was going somewhere on vacation or like and just picked it up and they're super easy to read and they're fun they're stupid like it's so enjoyable it's like reading like one of those extended reads in like New York magazine or whatever. Like it's, but you just like have a little experience. Yeah. Fun.

Okay. So Carrie's in. We're bringing Carrie into the bunker. The other Carrie, second Carrie. Two Carries. We'll call her Carrie too. Yeah.

She has to be Carrie too. If she's going to be in the bunker. Yeah. And wait until you see her face. She can't. The bones get the normal normal name yeah yeah carry and carry too oh fabulous yeah and once again i think we've made the best decisions for the bunker and for the end of humanity i think we're doing well and you know what i think we really took time in tonight's episode to like just curate the experience in the bunker

yes we want everyone in the bunker to have access to oat milk and to carry bradshaw and an incredible rack and that's very kind of us you know everyone in the bunker has tits and that's very kind of us, you know? Everyone in the bunker has tits. And that's the law. And a facelift that doesn't allow them to frown. Every day in the bunker just keeps getting better. Well, everyone's smiling with their tits out. It does make me think of, like, Krusty the Clown getting that plastic surgery. It's like such a beautiful set of breasts.

All right. Well, thanks so much for listening, everybody. And thank you, listener, with that beautiful hair. Lazy Susan. What a pleasure. Death to Everyone was recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by our sound technician, Matt Shears. Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. Contact us at deathtoeveryonepod at gmail.com.

And subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash death to everyone. We've been your hosts, Lazy Susan. And Zelda Moon. Bye. Bye.