Death To Everyone - Death To… Irwins, Eggs & Audience *LIVE! SHOW*

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

This week we bring you our show LIVE! from Melbourne’s iconic Comedy Republic theatre. Please enjoy! Follow us, won't you? ⁠www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠���⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠www.naturalhabitatstudios.com/⁠ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠www.instagram.com/ediecentric/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103/

I am the Lord of the heavens, and I am the Lord of the earth. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 I'm sorry. And to everyone Especially you Hello! That's good. Hi! Hi! Hello. Sulengjo to you all! Sulengjo!

Sulengjo! Sulengjo! Oh, Sue. Sue Yang-Lo. Oh, listener, I know you're sitting there right now enjoying yourself out there in the crowd. Tell me, listener, have you ever considered betting on yourself? You're so important to the world. Oh, that's my side. Oh, you didn't agree on sides. The verdict's still out on

Matt, I was so sure I asked you for a wine before, but there's not a wine cut. Oh, give

it up for producer Matt. This is Matt. Take one look at producer Matt and tell me

that's not exactly how you thought he would look. Tell me this is not the exact man

you pictured. Yes. Beautiful. Oh, that's good. Wow. So good, so important. Now I'm... That's it.

Oh no, I have my phone here. That's got the timeline. Where did that go? Oh, here it is. One moment. So good, so good, so good. Good. Perfect.

Perfect. One moment. We normally, so good, so good. Good. Perfect. One moment. We normally cut out this part. We went over with the Mariana Trench bit. But as our beautiful tech said, if they're not laughing, they're learning. And I thought, that's quite kind. That is the case with so many of your performances, isn't it? Yeah.

Now, what's happening here? I can't have my back. Do you know I was told when I came into this immense theater that this, I said, has this seat ever been sat on by Peter Hellyer? And they said yes, and so I said, take it away. So now we have these new stools, which are quite fabulous. Only Corinne Grant has ever sat

on these, which is so important. That's good. How are you, everyone? Good, good. I love it when people are, woo! So many people I count are. Shag is, that is the only emotion I count are. Drag is, that is the only emotion.

How are you feeling? Woo! Beyond Blue, how are you feeling today? Woo! Drag queens only know that emotion. Now, what does it say on your timeline? Okay, so next intro dialogue. I suppose that's what's happening now.

Next, how are you? Do you know what? When we tested out this lighting, I was like, she looks great. Now I'm like, have they changed it or what's happened? Do you know Zelda was like, we're doing intergalactic because I've learnt all the words and you can do the other bit. And I was so excited. Yeah, well, I thought we should stick to our skill sets.

A thousand percent. A thousand percent. You know, I think that that's as much as you're getting tonight from me. I will not be learning. I learnt those four words. Pretty good. Yeah. Really?

Really? So, what's up? Oh yes, okay What do we normally do here? This is how I am Okay, I'm good I'm good You know what I was saving for this? I was saving specifically for this

I went to Darwin recently To visit the gobble ghost? That's right Back up north with the gobble ghost Wait, I'm sorry Just quickly, before we proceed Who here has never listened to this podcast a day in their life? the gobble ghost that's right back up north with the gobble goes away oh sorry just quickly before we proceed who here has never listened to this podcast a day in their life just woo oh shit say well it's over here I'm out of here okay you know what we plan for this and

we believe we did plan for this. So what we're going to do is just... Just quickly. If you just allow me. So the premise of our podcast, Lazy, would you explain? It's a show. It's a podcast show. We're Celestial Goddesses. Yes, and we decide what goes into a doomsday bunker for the end of time.

Yes, and we decide what goes into a doomsday bunker for the end of time. What in our culture shall remain after the dust and smoke has cleared? Yes. So, for you who raised your hand, what's your name, darling? Patrick. How did you know I was looking at you? Incredible. Patrick, listen closely, because I'm not going to explain this again.

So, we cover about three topics per episode episode and we have 44 episodes at this point. That's right. That's good. So, we're going to do this real quick. Under objects, we have in the bunker... This is a comedy show, so we want you to laugh along. So, it's important that you receive this primer.

Patrick, listen. Listen up, please. Listener. Okay, objects. Carrie Fisher's skeleton, Jumanji. Crystal coffin that has Benign Girl in it. Anthrax, a halberd. Halloween costumes, four only.

A small image of a penis. We have the bait bus. We have a pair of nail clippers. The entire Dino Riders toy suite. We also have a sound wand that makes this sound. ROAR! We have Volantis, we have a... Oh! We have a beehive wig with micro bangs.

You know what, I think... Now, Zelda, come on. What could you possibly have? Oh, my God! It's a beehive wig with microbes. Now, how do we look? Is that good? Esther? Esther?

Styled by Esther Richie. This isn't the quality that we... There she is. There she is. Oh, that's good. Is it good? Is it good? We keep going. So we've got Big Dog,

which is the official name of the Boston Dynamics kick robot. We have the 42 inch clip on ponytail. Not here tonight, sadly. We have a signed headshot of Bill Ten Eyck. We have dry ice, unlike this venue. So unfortunate. We have a ventriloquist puppet, we have a SodaStream machine, but we changed to something

less problematic. We have a kettle, we have a packet of Rio briefs, the Jurassic Park Jeep, half the week, and the other half of the week it is the Gilmore Girls Jeep. La la. We have spiky X-mas lights, we have, oh we have another wig. But it would be too soon to change. We'll just, we'll keep that till later. Okay so we have a portable DVD player that is jammed with rat race. We have a Tupperware drainer, we have those emerald earrings from the Golden Globes or whatever.

We've got a blender. We've got the air wig thing that makes this sound. We have a packet of pastel highlighters from Anko. We have the book Who Is Ben? We have a laser-stacked tape. We have the Twilight series. We have a slippery when wet sign. We have a staple of removal device crocodile thingy.

That's good. Very chic. We have Attack of the Clones DVD. We've got, oh, we've got Leonard Dern's purple wig. Well, we'll see about that. We've got alpaca wool hand clappers. The hands are, of course, Nicole Kidman's. We have got the mud from J-Lo's movie.

We also have Fantasy by Britney Spears. We have an ugly magnetic pen. We have five deflating air mattresses of scaling size. That's right, that thing. We've got Polly Pocket. And then we have a sixth deflating air mattress. We have a cursed painting of a small child. We've got a guide dog statue.

We've got Demi Moore's outfit from whatever. We've got sardine cans. That's how all the food comes. We've got those little bandage vampire clip things. And Guile's wig that we don't have tonight. And we have the porn chess piece in a marbled finish. Okay, well, you know, that's so good. And my week was very good.

My week was good. And, you know, can I say quietly? It happened again, Zelda, where I was... For those of you listening to the live experience and having a good laugh, I look very beautiful right now, and my wig is perfectly sitting atop my head. And Zelda is sitting perfectly upon her chair. What? Now, it happened again.

I was in an Uber, driving to the airport to see my husband in Darwin, the gobble ghost. And I was driving, you know, like sitting there. I wasn't driving. They don't offer that yet. And I was sitting in the back seat, and he was like, you know, like sitting there. I wasn't driving. They don't offer that yet. And I was sitting in the back seat and he was like, so what do you do? And I was like, oh, I'm a performer, which I'm sure everyone in the audience can attest.

And he was like, wow, do you ever get to kiss any hot girls in your show? I said, not so much. And he's like, wow, like, you know, when you're rehearsing for a play, you probably get to kiss a lot of hot girls in your show. And I'm like, you're not letting this, not letting this go. And I'm like, no, no, no, it's fine. No, I tend to perform at gay venues and I tend to be the hot girl. Apparently.

Actually. And then he said, wow, gay bars. And I was like, yeah, but the thing about gay bars is, you tend to see more tits than you do dicks. That's just how it works as we live in our life. And he's like, yeah, right. To our audience. And it's just the dramatic irony of gay bars

that gay men will stand around and not flop it out. And he said, hypothetically speaking, I swear to God this happened. I swear to God. And I'm like, I'm going to Terminal 4, just so you know. It's a different exit. Anyway, he's like, listen, let me tell you. How big is big for a dick?

Any size is good, darling. I start going like, hello world. Any size is good. Be you. That's so important. But if you're really asking, eight inches is good.

And then he said, how many is that in centimeters? Which is how you know he was straight after all true because gay men still work on the inches yeah

yeah we're imperial yeah so I'm like trying to convert in my head I'm like two and a half inches no two and a half centimetres is one inch and a half inches. No, two and a half centimeters is one inch.

And so eight inches is... 20? So I said 20 centimeters. And no, that's it. That's right. Who said 20? You're right. Anyway, so I said 20.

And then I said 20 centimeters cuz I was like in my back like that for those listening at home I was typing on my phone trying to find out the conversion and then he said well it's a good news day cuz I've got 21 centimeter I think well should he I mean should he be forced to prove that What? Should he? I mean, should he be forced to prove that allegation? Anyway, so he's driving along. Wait, wait, wait. Were you wearing this wig?

This wig. I drove to the telemarine airport dressed as a giant lobster as an elf. Because that's pride. Cool. Yeah. And so did he get it out? Well, no, but he kept touching

the area where it was. You know. See, that's the micro bang that we were... No, no, that was good. That's it? Yeah, that's good. That's...

Wait, is mine micro? It's slicked, you know. You've laid your edges, darling. By design, I guess. Anyway, so we're driving along and this whole thing, and listen, I'm going to be really candid with all of you here tonight because that's what we're here to do. I don't care.

I'm like, this is funny and hilarious and I love this. This is better than us sitting in silence. Like, I had a podcast I could have listened to, but this is it. I'm enjoying myself. Do whatever you want. Pull it out. I don't care. Anyway, so we're driving along and he keeps, he's like, so, and I'm like, well, you know,

I perform as a woman on my show, like, da, da, da. And he's like, when you're doing those rehearsals. And I'm like, rehearsals? And then he keeps going and he's like, so can I ask you a question? A question I just need to know. Are you a top or a bottom? And I said, excuse me?

I said, have you heard of Verse? And he said, no, I've not heard of Verse. And I said, well, listen, it's where we both fuck each other. It's a great time, me and my boyfriend, that's who I'm going to visit. And he said, do you ever fuck outside of that relationship? Do you and someone else ever fuck? Maybe an Uber driver, I don't know.

Maybe just a sensitive boy having a night. Anyway, maybe just a sensitive boy having a night um anyway with a 21 centimeter dick anyway i like none of this pissed me off this was like what a good time i didn't download any like podcasts to listen to like i was ready to go um but then he was like going the wrong way and i was like into this like weird moment of him acting insane towards me trying to like get me to suck his dick which just kept going but at the same time as entertaining that entire experience i was like i'm getting off it i'm going to the fourth the fourth terminal i just want you to know i don't want to interrupt your hot and steamy moment but he takes me the whole wrong way so i end up getting

out early at this weird car park and having to walk all the way to terminal and you know how it is around the airport it's a strange place that barely exists and there's these like bollards and like low standing walls in my way anyway he inconvenienced me in so many ways and i was just like five stars. I just... How could I? I'm like, you've given me gold. This is the show. True.

But no dick. I mean, listen, I couldn't go to my husband at the other end and be like, lift up that sheet. Like, you know, like, yeah. But if that's the issue. If I was in any other phase of my life that dick I know

and Zelda was like was he hot and I was like not at all but god would it have been a story yeah

so anyway for foods we've got strawberry thick shake we've got fries we've got tomato sauce sachet we've got vanilla

vanilla cream ice cream with Milo that's good putty we've got fries, we've got tomato sauce sachet, we've got vanilla ice cream with Milo. That's good pudding. We've got Kellogg's crunchy nut, we've got oat milk. Just think about that for a second. We've got the flake shake, we've got crunchy. We've got a spinach ricotta roll from 7-11. We've got crunchy peanut butter, voodoo chips, oat milk.

We kicked the fuck out. Because in what world? Are we like, yeah, oat milk. It's so expected beetroot we've got um a choo-choo birthday cake that's eval's preferred birthday cake um the emperor's new groove bug this is made from crustaceans from the ocean how are you we've got fettuccine darcy moore's cheesy mac sausage we've got pistachios laksa and potatoes wow what a. What a menu. You're good? Yeah, I'm good. Obviously. But you know what else is quite good? Oh my god.

What humans do we have in the bunker? Well, there's Romeo Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow, Billy Lord, Susie, from now on, cricket education, Megan Mullally, Lady Gaga, Melanie B, Avril Lavigne, maybe. Lindsay Lohan. You won't get that back then Yeah

It's really funny We've got Michael B. Jordan We've got the entire cast of The Nanny We've got Jojo Siwa We don't have the No

Then we've got Courtney who works at the reject shop We've got Sabrina Babyslot Hilary Duff Oprah We've got Whoopi Goldberg but of course she's in

Whiteface and dressed as a nun We've got Whoopi Goldberg but of course she's in whiteface and dressed as a nun we've got we've got Carla and Latifah you might know them as two girls one cup we've got Katy Perry we very swiftly killed out I mean kicked out sorry Benjamin Salisbury he plays Brayton Brayton in the nanny we don't need him in there. Watch out, CC. Oh, CC's in. We put Patrick in from Hot Department. Vanity.

Nikki L, Eve L's mother. We've got Judy Greer. We've got Matt Shears. So important. I don't know how that happened. We've got The Scrims. We've got Alaska Thunderfuck 5000. We have Beyonce Noscada, sometimes.

Michelle Williams, Kelly Rowland, Bobby Burke, Vanessa Hutchins. We have Anne. Let me tell you. Oh, Anne. Let me tell you. Do you remember how we let in one of our followers and it was Anne? Yeah.

Yeah. I tried to get Anne here tonight and she said, you're describing my nightmare. And I said, oh, thanks for being a good sport, Anne. This wig's really not... Wig?

Let me just round out this one real quick. You're really going. We've got Jennifer. That's Lazy Susan on Instagram. We've got Paul Meskell. We've got the Aussie Bro Squad. Which I found out that if you're a fan of the Aussie Bro Squad

you're called a broski. Like incredible. And I couldn't have a human trafficker. Now that person back there isn't going to get that. You know Big Bang, the K-pop... No!

Who? I'll talk to you later. Okay. There's seven categories. Stop! Stop! Stop! They're already dead.

Okay. Okay. Can we move on? How are you? Obviously. I guess. I'm good. Oh.

No, I'm good. But I'm sick of this. Which one should we do next? I would like a cultist wig. Oh no, but that's the good one that we should wear for most of the show. Let's do the stupid ones first. Okay, so this is Laura Dern's wig from Star Wars.

Do you remember how Laura Dern looked like this in Star Wars? See, I styled this one after you left yesterday. Oh, see, I thought that that... I thought the... I thought that the brown hair slicked to your forehead was from that other micro bang wig. Is that better? I don't think it'll ever be better. Okay, you know what?

Fuck this. Okay, wait. Okay. Listener. Or should we call them watchers? Ladies and gentlemen, I have a present for you. What? Do we? I've got all these bags, everyone.

Sorry. It's just not to be mistaken for a bag. Okay. What is this? So, I just wanted to give you a nice gift. Don't you... Zelda Moon has just handed me a box with disgusting wrapping paper on it. I genuinely was like, do I do the nice wrapping or this one?

I was like, she'll prefer this one. So, I'm unwrapping the gift. And as I peel away this thin veneer, I find inside Liv. Liv! By Jennifer Lopez. Now, it's so important. You can hear it unwrapping. Okay, so Jennifer Lopez.

So, I don't know 20 years ago I guess release this fragrance live or is it live I don't know anyway that's why I wanted to call tonight live and

I hope you can all see this majestic bottle it's so good this looks like it was sold at a flea market I hope you can all see this majestic bottle. It's so good. This looks like it was sold at a flea market in Italy to a blind nonna. Jennifer has taste. Do you think it'll work as mace? Oh, wait. What is it?

Let me. It's good. Jennifer Lopez, live. Live. Can you smell that from here? Not yet. It smells like toilet. No, it's good.

Okay, I'm going to give you... Everything else she's ever done. Let me tell you about the notes. Live by Jennifer Lopez. It's got like fresh sea breeze, like notes. Give me that. If there was a woman that came to a date. A woman?

No! No! It's an immersive experience. Jump where there's limited air. There's limited air! That's good. That's really good actually. Stop spraying! It's on my tongue. There's limited air!

There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air!

There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air! There's limited air!

Live! Live! Live! Live! Oh my god, it's disgusting! If a woman showed up. A woman? If I was a high-flying entrepreneur, as I hope to be one day,

and I showed up to a classy inner-city venue like this, and there was a woman that smelt like that, on purpose, I would run. I would run. You would live. Jennifer's really going through a hard time, so let's not add this.

Don't tell Jennifer Lopez about this. Yeah. She can't handle it. She's going through, her and Ben are about to break up. Don't tell Jennifer Lopez about this. Yeah. She can't handle it. She's going through. Her and Ben are about to break up. Don't say that. No, I know. I know they're about to break up again. I think they'll be fine. For those of you listening at home, I just did

that face. You know this face? You know? We'll do it one more time so you can hear it. That's good. Okay, so... Thank you for that gift. No worries.

It's so rare in these post-apocalyptic times that we can enjoy ourselves like that. Yeah, that's good. Now, speaking of apocalypse, shall we do our apocalypse for the week? Yes! Ah, good. No, wait.

I just need a reminder of who has never seen this show before. You! Well, now you have. Yeah. But it's the end of the world. So how does the world end? And what we're going to do tonight, because we thought it would be really fun,

is you say a word, then I say a word. Okay? You start. No, you start. The gigantic population so population so many gigantic

issues with the gigantic Shoes. With. The. Gigantic. Gigantic. Amount. Of. Tiny.

Crustaceans. What? Crustaceans. Who? Ate. Everything. That's it? That's it.

Wait, so tiny crustaceans ate everything? That's right. And they saw an issue with it. What a way to go. Seven different times throughout human history they were able to eat everything. No, I think that that's good. Why is your hairline still showing? No!

What about that? Am I Laura Doan now? I presume the answer is yes. Celtic Moon just did a classic drag secret trick in front of civilians, which is just turning the wig around. And yeah, she looks like a whole new woman who was very cruel to Annie and all her orphan friends. Okay.

Shall we move on? Yes, please. Okay. Everyone, I am using this also as a powder puff. Can you believe that she won the very first Nobel Peace Prize? Okay, so the first thing we're going to do tonight is hear a tale from the bunker. Oh! Since none of you fuckers are writing them in.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a message from the bunker. Wait, you never... Have you sent this to me? Who's doing this thing? Have you sent... Are you going first or am I going first? Oh, we didn't send it! Wait, wait, hang on, wait.

I'll just... This is gold. This is... Wait, I'm just finding the file. That's everyone. Live! I'll send you a link to mine, but you can't edit this. Wait, I'm just finding the file. That's everyone. Live! I'll send you a link to mine, but you can't edit this. Wait, I'm just going to share it.

Just going to manage access. Wait. Anyone with links. Oh, see, here's the photo I sent before when I did my makeup. That's good. Okay. Oh, shit. Okay, that's good.

Well, you start, and then I'll start. Okay. I'll just play. So I would do my one first? Yes, of course. It's going to's good. I said before when I did my makeup, that's good. Okay, and I... Oh, shit. Okay, that's good. Well, you start and then I'll start. Okay, okay, okay. I'll just play. So, I would do my one first? Yes, of course. It's going to be good, I'm sure. Okay. Oh, I just got your link.

Thank you. Okay. Okay. A gigantic woman... ...approaches planet Earth and her statuesque figure droves the planet. approaches planet Earth, and her statuesque figure draughts the planet. She's stunning, immaculate, and beautiful.

Physically, she barely exists within a realm that we're able to comprehend. To look upon her would cause blindness. To ignore her would cause madness. She casts a benevolent gaze across the planet, taking in millennia of history, art culture, and laser tag competitions between friends.

And so she casts her judgement. She takes a brief moment of pause before uttering her final command. Death to everyone, she whispers. The inhabitants of the bunker gather in the central abyss room. They can hear the destruction befalling those above. As thousands of giant-sized tapioca pearls relentlessly pummel the earth's surface. Those in the bunker know that the apocalypse has finally come. Years pass and stories from the bunker are heard.

Like this one about... That was... It's a fucking story within a story?! Well, I had to set up the apocalypse. Okay, so now here's my story. Ass. Bayonetta declared. Ass is all we have. And I clearly have more ass than most.

So what does that mean that I have to offer? Or does anyone have to offer me? Bayonetta often walks the dark corridors of the bunker with a distinct strut. Long gone are the days of her umbra and witch fort. Battles against demons and angels for her lost love. Just wait, you need to pause that. A bayonetta is a character from a video game and the only love language in the bunker of the five levels is ass.

Gift giving, time, ass. We decided it was ass. Okay, so bayonetta's walking through the bunker. Time, ass We decided it was ass Okay Okay, so Bayonetta's walking through the bunker Michael B. approaching From the set of The Nanny Hey, Bayonetta I see you still rockin' that outfit

Made from your hair Aren't we supposed to be all wearing Alpaca wool tunics now? Shut up! your hair aren't we supposed to be all wearing alpaca wool tunics now shut up Bayonetta replied she kept walking next to engage was Braden Huggins one of the Aussie boys grunt rarely seemed separate from his bros nervously he approached the seven-foot tall witch is witch. Is this me, sir? Oh, that's you. Hey, Bayo.

Wow, you look incredible. I thought you should know. I've been doing a lot of squats lately. He's underage. Don't say that! Osbro Squad is a TikTok... TikTok situation where young boys are being abused by their mother. Allegedly by me.

Bayonetta's laser-sharp focus settled on Brayden's pathetic ass. She kept walking. Good, good. That's good for the show. We all love ass. And so everybody loves me. But who has an ass that I love for? The bayonet aside and approached the oceanarium. It was feeding time and the Meg had finally devoured the seventh pig to play babe.

Megan Mullally could be seen treading water in a far corner. Our downpour began as it always does at the 11th. Bayonetta stood sopping wet, her ass refined and perky and glistening. Godzilla and Katy Perry were loudly eating crunchy nut cornflakes out of a sardine can nearby. The sound filled Bayonetta with anger. As the downpour cleared, Bayonetta cleaned her glasses, and when she put them back on, she saw someone new. Another great show!

Jennifer, that's Lazy Susan on Instagram, said, as she left Reggie's bar and the women cackling within. Her kind smile warmed in Other Eye's mild room. Who is that woman? Bayonetta turned to ask Susie from Nail Career Education, who had gathered nearby to also watch the slaughtering of Babe. That's Jennifer. You probably know her from

at Lazy Susan on Instagram. Susie said, Jennifer. Bayonetta uttered through a broad smile. She couldn't help but notice Jennifer indeed Had an absolutely killer ass You wrote that? Yeah Wow

Wow I actually wrote it In the Uber on the way here today I won't believe it. How did you find time between someone trying to seduce you? Weirdly, that didn't happen to me. Zelda, could you change this wig? You look hideous.

Scream if you think Zelda looks fucking hideous right now. Do you think you don't look fucking stupid? I can't see me Put on the cult wig There are a few wigs in the bunker Patrick or whatever the fuck your name was See? Now this is why

This is the one we wear for the rest of the show now Wow do I look as good as her? It's not the wig Sister I cut her wig and she cut my wig. Yeah, but they both went in the bag. Who knows what happened after that? Do you know how much I've been through today?

Why do you look good? Why do I look bad? After the last two, give me one, please. Oh, you're lying, I look really good. Okay, so we're going to go into our first topic for the night. Oh wait, are we? Yeah. Oh my god, I look actually so good.

How do I look? Fuck you all. This is as good as it gets. You look good, but you don't look as good as me. We're wearing blonde wigs if you're listening at home. That's most of the show. Okay. Well, now

it's time to dive into the meat of things. Right at the meat of things. Okay, the first topic for tonight. Wait, are we doing your one or my one? Your one. No, just too much of my stupid things. You go first. Okay, good.

We'll say whatever the fuck you recommend. I said which Irwin should get into the bunker? Now, I don't know. Has anyone here not heard of Stephen Irwin? You're silent now. Wait, wait, wait. What about Matt? Who's your favourite Irwin? Oh, I think I'm on.

Hello. My favourite Irwin, definitely Steve. Is Steve included or is he gone? Do you know about the other ones? Do you know about the other ones? Yeah, list all the Irwins you know. There's Bindi.

That's one of them, isn't it? Yeah. Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry's cool. Terry. Say more.

He's got a good look. Rob. Yeah. Oh, you just call him Rob. Okay. I call him Rob when we're hanging out, yeah. I don't know about straight men They all know each other

Rob Do they have another baby now or something? There's a baby one I don't know if the baby Who did Bindi marry? What's that guy? Chandler Chandler

Don't be excited about Chandler He sucks He wears the uniform as if he's one of them But he's not Steve didn't even know you Right? Yeah More intimate with a fucking stingray than Chandler

What? Zelda, riddle me this Because the stingray took his life Yeah Does the stingray become an honorary? Do we know where the stingray is? It could be in the ocean area. Is it here tonight? Imagine if the stingray...

You could never show your face again. I would just... Not once. Imagine! That's great. I mean, if I was a stingray that killed, I don't know, scuba diving lady off the coast of Mallorca, probably that's fine after a week.

But that stingray. Into the heart. Right? Anyway, do we think Robert's gay or what? Because he's gotta be And what now? He's a model? He's not a model He's in a

Twisties commercial. No model has ever been When that came up I was like like 10 seconds in I was like How is that that Robin Robin Robert Irwin and G Flip are our two biggest celebrities what what that was the other one in the ad oh I wasn't paying attention G Flip is green twisties no red twisties G Flip got the good one because they knew that they had to make up for Rob's appeal.

No, it's true. They were like we can't. Because you know I read the comments sometimes. Oh, I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. Because I love that woman. What's her name? She's amazing. I've never watched this show but she's incredible.

The woman that's in the jungle woman she's got bulky glasses oh she's incredible you'd love her you can't ever watch this show but you'd love her I feel like the woman in the glasses is that um like what's his name from that TV show with the big nose the girl she has red hair and glasses you know it yes the Thornberry girl is that is that who we're talking about

we need we need an audience all the time because you could just throw these stupid fucking see they get it

I wish well listen if you ever saw this what was her name again Julia Morris she's incredible she always wears these kind of bejeweled sacks

and then these giant glasses. Camilla? And she's she used to be with the vet. Her and the vet. Bondi vet? Wait, was he Bondi vet? It was Bondi vet. What was his name? Who cares? Chris Brown? I know about that. Well that's why he had to leave. Chris Brown.

Anyway, so the bejeweled sack lady lives in the jungle with this man. But now it's Robert Irwin. And they're together all the time. But anyway, in the comments, in the comments of these comment sections, they say, Robert is so incredible. Fuck Julia. And I say, I love... It's Julia, right? I love her. And that's why they had to give G Flip

the classic obvious winner twisties. Because they just are so scared of forcing the comment section to be against any fucking person that stands beside Robert Irwin. Because Robert Irwin is the most famous person in Australia. And then there was the weird

little brother thing that was like a little monkey boy. What was that about? You know? Anyway, as much... Okay, Zelda Moon. I'm just going to put... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I forgot about this band. I look so good now. You can't make me... We're just going to stop talking about... Hang on. I vote Terry. Hang on. Oh, it's Terry.

Oh. But first, but first. It would be remiss... Because, you know, it's a podcast. And it's Terry but first it would be remiss because you know it's a podcast and it's an audio medium which is why you keep explaining everything you're doing of course now

what I'd really love is to I don't want to rob you of the podcast experience so I've brought some things that you might do at home while listening to a podcast. And I'd really love it if I had three volunteers from the audience to just have that authentic experience. Now, does anybody drive and listen to podcasts?

Yeah, give it to her. She's driven a car. Wait, are you bisexual? Okay, she knows how to drive. Okay. Now you drive. See, and now it's like... But don't look at us.

You're listening. Watch the road. Actually. Wait, why is it down here? It's got to be up here. Now, we're doing some dishes. I'll give it to the bisexual in the front. No, no, no.

We're going to spread it out. So who's doing dishes back here? Yeah, that's good. Yeah, this is kind of... Because Zelda was like, are people going to sit and listen to this for this amount of time? And I was like, they do at home.

And she's like, but they're doing things. Yeah. So it's productive. You haven't started the dishes yet. Oh, good, good, good, good. And finally, the dreaded fitted sheet. Who will be folding the fitted sheet? Yes.

Perfect. It's a team effort. That's good. Can we get a nice, neat rectangle? We'll continue talking and you just pretend. You can't make eye contact with us now. You're listening. That's good.

That's good. You're listening. Now, do we need to explain? So there's... Explain the Gobble Ghost really quickly. Okay. What was your name up the back? I'm sorry again.

Patrick. Patrick. I said quickly. Such a good name. So my... I was in Darwin and a man was telling a story about how he was on Grindr

and there was this man that he would go and... Why aren't you driving? There was a man that he would visit in the park sometimes in Darwin. It's quite hot there. So this is quite an exceptional circumstance. So he would go out late at night and there would be a man that would only suck dick if he could be hidden beneath a thin cotton sheet.

Does that catch you up there? And he wouldn't let you, like, suck his dick. And you could only, like, he would, like, you know, you'd come into the park in the middle of the night and there'd be this ghostly figure standing there. And we did nickname him. He didn't call himself the Gobble Ghost. That was our special edition.

He probably has her name, I suppose. Maybe. But anyway, so yes, the Gobble Ghost is in the bunker, you know, canonically. Like Liv. No, Liv didn't make it in, did it? It was Midnight Fantasy. Fantasy.

Fantasy. Fantasy by Britney Spears. That's right. She was the lucky one. Okay. Anyway, so which Irwin? Terry. Terry.

Right? Can you all say Terry with me? Terry. Terry. Terry. What? Just her energy on television was singular. Do you know those fucking little round the twist motherfuckers? They wouldn't have had the same issues they had with their Aussie dad

if there'd been a Terry Irwin on the case. That's true. She knew what was up. She's like, me and Steve have so much fun out here at Australia Zoo. She's got that fabulous long brown hair. Oh, and that pony and that,

you know, we know a thing or two about good bangs. Just like Terry. But also I think like her just deciding that Bindi Irwin had charisma and we all just went along with it. It was incredible. And then when they realized Bindi wasn't all that, they got the other one.

I love the videos on YouTube where like Robert Irwin is like in the crocodile pit and Terry's like off to the side like... Do it! And he's just like, hey guys! Oh, that's why we can't have him in the bunker. Because that energy has no place. But Terry. Terry. Do it.

Get in the pit. But Terry. Terry. Do it. Get in the pit. Like, imagine day one, Steve's dead. She's like, turns to her child, her baby, and is like, get in the pit with the crocodiles.

Do it. Dad's dead. We've got to make ends meet. Australia Zoo will survive. Do you think it's unkind if we put in Terry and the stingray? So she goes to the oceanarium to just, you know, check in. I think the stingray, like, low-key, when you were, like, dissing the stingray before, like, too soon.

Like, she's being a stingray. It's actually so fucked of you to say that that's her being her like you're there at the pride march like be you well that was that that was her being you you know like she's meant to sting yeah there she doesn't know steve she doesn't have tv she's underwater't have TV. She's underwater. She is a flat woman just trying to live her life. Suddenly, she doesn't know him from a piece of bread.

What is this man coming up to her trying to film her in her home? Yeah. Tell her story. Let her tell her story. How about that?

Yeah. When she's ready. And then, yes, she lashed out. Pushed like Bjork at an airport. That's right. That's the tea. And then, yes, and she stung him. She didn't know what happened afterwards.

That's correct. Was she silent? Get this woman in the bunker. You're talking about the stingray. Yes. But that flat woman, that flat stingray woman, I just think we need to,

as Australians, obviously we're primed to hate her, but I think we need to be ready to hear her side. It's in her name as well, isn't it? She's a sting ray. It's what she does. It's in the name.

Truly. It's in her name. It's in the fucking name. It's not called laying around and enjoying being filmed, Ray. Dude. Wait. No, what I was going to say isn't as funny. I was going to say,

do you think Ray of Light is Madonna's best album? In what sense? Every way. You said not as funny, but at all funny? Do you think Madonna's album? It's really good. Okay, okay, okay. So Terry Owens in!

Yeah! Okay. Okay, that's good. And now we're gonna take another dive. We're gonna hear another story from the bunker. We interrupt this broadcast

to bring you a message from the bunker. So important. Okay. Now, occasionally we do this, Patrick. Okay. Now occasionally we do this Patrick. Could you put a bit of reverb on my voice? Oh.

It'd be helpful. It had been years since that fateful day when star of the original, not that much. When star of the original X-Men series and former model Rebecca Romijn had fled to the doomsday bunker she now called home. So many long years and perhaps that is why in the early morning when she slides into the vinyl of the makeup studio chair she chances a look at her face in the mirror her reflection framed by the softly humming bulbs catches her off guard in the years since the apocalypse she had become a stranger to herself that's your line in yellow so i'm just gonna

we wrote our um little fan fiction separately. Yeah. And it would appear that Lazy chose the chance to attack me by pushing the narrative that Rebecca Romaine is in the bunker and not Mystique. Anyway... Hang on, what? Where is she?

Yellow at the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But who am I? What's the... Read the line. All right, Mystique. How are we feeling this morning? Said the special effects makeup artist Tall Patty.

In her distinctive southern droll. Rebecca doesn't answer. She is transfixed. Rebecca doesn't answer. She is transfixed. How long had it been since she had seen her face without the layers of makeup and prosthetics forced on her each day to maintain her role as the mystique of the bunker? No matter how many times she insisted that she wasn't a shapeshifting mutant, nobody believed her. Even Tall Patty at times seems to forget.

And she was responsible for transforming Rebecca's entire hair and makeup every few hours to turn her into a various citizens of the bunker. Did Jennifer Lawrence have the same issue in whatever Hollywood elite bunker she found herself in now? Was she forced to role play as Mystique all day and every day? Not fucking likely.

Southern drawl. Why would anyone want her to do that? Southern drawl! Wait, southern? Really? Wait, what? Yeehaw! Okay.

All right, girly. You are feeling like a diva today and don't want to talk to Tall Patty. Well guess what? I feel more tickered off than the Gobble Ghost list of pre-existing symptoms at the sexual health clinic. So let's just get to work here sweet cheeks. So...

Sorry Tall Patty, I didn't mean to. I just... I wonder if you could call me by my name. Mystique? I said it. Did you hear me? No, no. My real name.

Tall Patty pauses. A sudden flush filling her cheeks. Her normally chipper expression droops as she leans close to whisper to Rebecca. You know, I can't do that, sugar cube. You're a mystique now, and that's just how things are done around these parts. I have good accents! That's good!

But, but, but, but nothing. Rebecca is taken aback. She's never seen, oh, but nothing, that was an exclamation point. But nothing. No, you gotta, no, really put it on. But, but, and really yell at me. But nothing! But nothing!

Rebecca is taken aback she's never seen toll patty like this before do you really think my name's tall patty what i didn't know you had another name before oh boy howdy didda. Told Patty, well that's just a concoction, an invention, a myth, an abstraction, a fiction. She's about as unreal as a fishing pole trying to catch the meg. They made her up. Why? I don't understand. Down at that bar, you know, Reggie's. Yes, Tall Patty, I've had some great nights there. Yeah, we all do. And when you go to Reggie's, the Bunker Biker Bar, and you go up to the jukebox who's always up in there leaning against it.

Oh, Patty. A silence falls. Rebecca is shocked. Tall Patty looks away, scared to see the truth resonate in Rebecca's face. Two patties? Two patties in one bunker? It's bound to get confusing, I expect.

A silence falls. Rebecca whispers. So they made you tall, Paddy. You see? Do you see now? You ain't the only one with issues, Mystique. Sure, you spend you spend your life in pounds

of prosthetic makeup, never sleeping. Constantly transforming into different people. But you ain't the only one living a lie. No, she yells that bit. But you ain't the only one living a lie. Sorry, tall Patty, I never knew. And that's why, when we're all... One more time.

And that's why... No we're all... When we're... One more time. And that's why... No, no, wait, wait, wait. And that's the way... We'll keep it, shall we? Tated, done? Because the not knowing is easier. The world doesn't want you as you are. They want you how they'd like you to be. The version of you that's the most knowing is easier. The world doesn't want you as you are. They want you how they'd like you to be.

The version of you that's the most convenient for them. A single tear rolls down Rebecca's cheek. Tall Patty whips out a makeup applicator and sobs it up. Now, don't go ruining your application on my account. Tall Patty begins to busy herself with the skin priming routine, trying her best to calm down. A static fills the air, a mighty silence that could only charge and grow in its power. Sorry, I think I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. Patty doesn't turn around from her busy work.

Okay, Rebecca. Hurry on back. Sure thing, Patty. Most people don't know the last time their names will ever be uttered. But Patty and Rebecca did. This would be the last time their names will ever be uttered, but Patty and Rebecca did. This would be the last time they would ever hear another's tongue curl and form around the distinct peel of their birthright. And for a moment, those names hung in the air, crackling and alive, and then they were gone. Tall Patty went back to

cleaning her brushes and Mystique did several somersaults towards the bathroom. And the end. So tall Paddy's in the bunker. So before, she said, we were like, should we, I said, should we practice? And she said, no, no, I want it to be a surprise on stage. And I just thought that you meant that Like every one of my lines would be AIDS Patrick doesn't know about that Now he just thinks you're homophobic

I wish Patrick would learn up about AIDS And now we enter our next topic for discussion tonight Which bird egg Is going into the bunker Do you know when Zelda came to me is going into the bunker. Do you know when Zelda came to me, she said, I know exactly what one of the categories is going to be.

You can look it up. It's in the shared Google Doc. And I looked it up. She didn't look it up. Oh, wait. Oh, what's happening now? I'm going to fall off the stage. Zelda's just falling off the stage.

That would probably be for the best. I'm going to fall off the stage. That would probably be for the best. And I saw written in size 12 font, chiller, sorry Patrick, that's going to go right over here, the words bird egg. And then there are moments in your life when you see things and they immediately call to mind the rest of your life as in how did this happen to

me specifically how did this happen to me I'm if you're listening at home or driving how are we sitting next to a woman who decided that for the start of our show at comedy Republic one of Melbourne's most respected comedy venues she would have a six minute video about the Mariana Trench and now forced me to talk about bird eggs and what a topic and also some of you paid you know 30 some of you pay 25 to come Some of you paid $25 to come and listen to this conversation. Well, buckle up. Because how good are emu eggs?

That is so cool. And they're so big. Once, I went to Luke. What was the horse place in this is her brother not the tech what is it? Ace High Ranch so I went to Ace High Ranch and they have like horses that you can ride

because I'm gay and and there were emus because we were in Australia and the emus had had eggs and I went up to the eggs and then the emu chased me and I had to jump the chicken wire fence.

And I thought that was a good story to tell here. For some reason. You tried to steal... No, I just wanted to touch. You tried to steal your as bad as Steve. You just wanted to touch. You just wanted to go and grab

With your fucking gruddy little fingers It's so enticing Everyone knows what an emu egg looks like, right? They're too big They're huge They're huge and they're green Ostrich eggs Also good, but they're green. Ostrich eggs, also good, but they're white.

Wow. So I suppose that says a lot about you. Okay, well. What do you think about quail eggs? I don't like them. I just, it makes me uncomfortable that it's like mini eggs. It's so, it's like Cadbury cream egg size.

Yeah, I don't. But like imagine, like, you know, it's like the idea of like, come down for breakfast, darling. And then like you're like, you're having this incredible night with, I don't know, an Uber driver that you slept with. And then he's like perched above his agar stove, cracking tiny little thumb-sized eggs into a pan. I just can't get behind that. I don't like that.

That's disgusting. Oh, no. Why did he even have those eggs at his house, I assume? No. And do you know what I don't like as well, which I really like? When this came up i was like well i do have one thing to say oh good goose eggs i okay have you heard about this this is wendy wendy williams where are you

goose eggs bigger than chicken eggs thicker in their like proportions everything but they're like apparently richer the flavor is too rich it's not like a regular chicken egg it's a goose egg now just so you know when you're listening I made that face like the face but like oh I don't need it to be more. Egg was fine, darling. Goose, go home. Like, trying it on with that one. A richer egg, darling. Eggs are so fucking full of like, there's too much already.

And don't suggest the quail to me because I don't want that either. No, no quail. Like egg is, like that is egg. Like chicken egg is the egg. And if I have to have another conversation about anything other eggs, what are we doing? Well,

I do enjoy how some fridges have a little thing with a little hole. You're not going to put a quail egg in one of those. No, she's going to slip right through. So that's just really not, you know. Imagine trying to get your tiny little fingers in one of those little like compartments for an egg.

I don't like that. Just trying to fish out a little quail egg for your morning date when you've been sleeping in your upstairs loft. I also. What? Maybe. What? You let him borrow something. Have you ever done the thing where you like poke the ends and and then blow it out so you have a beautiful egg?

I leave that to the Greeks. That's what they do at Greek Easter. They make the eggs. And then they dip dye. Yeah. It do be like that. It do be like that. It do.

No, I'm not going to. But you know what you can't do that with? Is an emu egg. Because how could you touch such a beautiful colour? I just. You can't improve on perfection. The way that I think of an emu egg is I only associate it with like an old lady who collects several different items. And she has like peacock feathers and like she lives in a house that looks like the inside of the butterfly club

and she's like one of her several eggs that she has on display is that like giant egg and like I'm pretty sure that that's the only reason that that type of woman was invented to do something with the eggs give her a purpose yes to

cherish those giant eggs while she put on her like lead makeup and sang songs about prohibition I don't know what those women do oh I nearly went into the suffragette song but I just did that recently so it's brave I'll spare you okay so au egg. No, wait, chicken egg. I thought I was just going to get that one slid in. This is a good point. Wait, what? Endless supply of ostrich feathers.

Well, listen, this is a good point. No, listen, I'm just like... Back to the big white egg. I'm just like, how... Why, why, why, why are you like, like anti-chicken egg? Chicken egg is fine,

but you know what I don't like about chicken egg? Is like, when you go to Safeway, and there's like, jumbo, 700 grams, and then like,

gigantic, 800 grams. What? Is that about? Like, it should just be like, the chicken size. Let her rest. Just see a bunch of, like, terrified

chickens, be like, gigantic. And, like, are they, at what point are they separated? Like, all the gigantic egg chickens in one factory, and then, like, all the 500 gram chickens or is it after the eggs are laid? Like there's too many questions. But the emu.

Wait, where are you going in the supermarket to find your emu eggs? No, no. Like when you gather your shawl about you to walk down the aisle. Gather my what? Your giant shawl that you carry while you hand out flyers for your one-woman cabaret. To look for your giant emu egg to fill your gorgeous bower. You just want to do chicken egg? I just think...

What gram? This is sick. This is sick and unwell and this is not... Wait. Can we have a chicken though? No. Because I do like chicken, though? No. Because I do like chickens. No.

Oh. Let me be clear. Do you see? I was hoping that this would unfold. You would bully me on stage. Witnesses tonight. Just like Katy Perry. Finally, I have a witness.

Can I get a witness? Which one of us... Sorry. To fight these accusations of bullying, which one of us threw a hefty gore, I mean, what is it, a root vegetable into the audience? I hit the expensive stage lights, not a listener. And which one of us, not accounting for a single allergy in the audience,

sprayed Jennifer Lopez live amongst the crowd. Which one of us is the bully here? Okay. So I suppose it's chicken egg. Important. Okay. Okay, well, that's good. That's good.

That's good. Now, shall we move on to the third topic? Third and final topic. Third and final topic. Third and final topic. As we do on the pod. Sorry. Now, we might need to perhaps raise the lights a little. Turn the lights.

Turn up the lights. Sorry. Turn up. Raise the lights a little. As in make them go. Oh, good, good. That's, yeah, that's mighty enough. Okay, so tonight it is our job at Live

to decide which of you in the audience will be getting into the bunker this evening. So... Now, is anyone... So, Benign Girl had a chance to put herself in and instead she put in nail clippers. Now, everyone point at Benan Girl and laugh at her. So you're also disqualified tonight.

I can hear her tears. Okay, so let's listen. I mean, listen, I want to cut down here. I just want to like... I'm looking, listener, into the crowd. I'm seeing a sea of faces. Oh, God.

What do you think? Find. Well, I suppose once again, does anyone have anything funny to say? It's a comedy show. I just, I'm going to, why aren't you driving? I'm just, I just, I think that the good quality people really always choose the back. I'm sorry, did I knock your fries off your, how did you get fries? I'm coming through. I kind

of am looking. I'm having a moment. I want you, stand up for me, darling. Come with me. I know it's a terrifying moment when you think you've come to a podcast. Wait, we're bringing them on stage? Yeah, because I just, I need them to... Okay. Wait, well I want... Did you pick someone? Oh, you picked a gay guy.

Well, I didn't know it was gay in the dark. Okay. Well, I want to pick a real know me Lord you're a little she could get in wait no what Lord done wait you've got to cover your hair you're not Zelda moon oh ho ho you really got it Oh my god, how did you get a microphone? I want the brown Jenny Jacquet. Yeah. Wow. I'm not a normie, I'm gay as anything. But you did choose this jacket.

Ooh! Oh! Hi, this is post-production Lazy Susan. Just so you know, the audience member that Zelda Moon has just picked has, you know, in order to prove their flagrant homosexuality, put their converse shoe up onto the high standing stool, the one that Peter Hellyer did sit on. And it is covered in sequins and the sole of the shoe has a rainbow flag. Just for context. Now we'll go back into the episode. Thank you.

Get off the stage. Get off the stage! Get off the stage! Return to your seat. Sorry, everyone. I'm just going to try again. You come. You come now. You're up. Wait, show me your shoes. Plan B! You come. Plan B!

Plan B! Welcome them to the stage. Up we go. At any moment during this experience, I want you to imagine that this could have been you. Good, good. Put the... Is that how I looked?

Okay, okay. That's a beehive with a micro bang. Now tell me, darling, I love your jacket and your shoes are also good. Okay. Now, what is your name? Thomas. Oh.

Okay. Now, Dudley, you help your thing. Okay, and now what's your name? Tony. Sony and Tony. G'day, Tony. How are ya? Okay. Now, we can only pick one of you to enter the bunker for all time.

Okay. So, Thomas. I'm going to ask a few questions just to ascertain your general essence. So, what do you do for fun? Into the microphone, darling. I'm pretty obsessed with my dog, so probably hang with him a little bit. No dogs in the bunker currently. What are your dogs like? Do they have their own unique personalities?

No, I only have one dog. His name's Meeker. You said my dogs. No, hang out with my dog. A liar. You want to put a liar into the bunker. Dogs in the park. Thomas Maddock killed one of his dogs.

I don't know. Okay, now you ask yours, Swan. I've got to deal with this. How do you feel about animals? I love it. Oh, that's good. Okay, what's your favourite animal? I love dogs, but...

Okay, do you have anything interesting to say? Not particularly. Okay, now, Thomas, what would you pair, I'm going to explain a dish to you. What would you pair with like a nice, fresh, like we're sitting in a vineyard, and you've just served me, I've just come down from your loft. You've just served me a fabulous kind of brioche. And it's got, you know, fresh, you know, fresh, the expensive tomatoes, fresh. you've just served me a fabulous kind of brioche. And it's got, you know, fresh, you know, fresh,

the expensive tomatoes fresh. And then the gorgeous leaves, you know, the good ones. And then it's a bit of salt. And what would you pair with that, Thomas? Well, my bottle shop has two for 25 pinot grigios. Oh. And what, how many of those, like you and your dog? Well, my bottle shop has two for 25 pinot grigios. And how many of those, like you and your dog? One each.

Yes. What's your dog's name? I'm sorry, I have to, like, is this Grindr? His name is Mika after Mika the singer, because he's Golden Retriever. It's not, it's too, like... Mika, as in, like,ek as in like that happy whatever. The Golden song. You sing it.

We are golden, we are golden. It played in the car when I picked him up. I gotta say, you're doing... You're really excelling here because you're not saying anything. I just... That's good. It's the most... I'm sorry, Thomas. You're really excelling here because you're not saying anything. That's good. I'm sorry, Thomas, but what the fuck? I was playing vaguely in the background while I got it.

Thank God it wasn't Clint's crazy bargains or whatever. Clint would have been cute. What a toss-off. I'm sorry, I gave it so little thought I didn't even have anything in mind. There was just something vaguely in the background. No, I thought it was a good match, Mika, and the song was golden. He's a golden retriever.

Golden retriever. Yeah. Wow. That's good. Okay, okay, now I've got to ask a question. Do you think it's more fun if in, like, sorry, I'll just fix this. Do you think it's more fun if in like a... Sorry, I'll just fix this. Do you think it's more fun if you had a bunker

with Rebecca Romijn in makeup or if you had Mystique, the X-Man? Mystique, of course. Excellent answer. Wow. Bachelorette number two. Same question. Mystique, for sure.

Yes! Because she could be anybody, right? Well, so could Rebecca Romijn. She's a fucking chameleon. Have you ever seen Skin Wars? Oh, it's pretty good. Oh, Skin Wars. Come on.

Listen, the name hasn't aged great. Let's be real. The reality TV show from Canada called Skin Wars, post the BLM movement, has not aged great. But Rebecca Romijn remains a shining star because in a lot of ways, oh, well, I guess in all makeup she could still.

I don't want Rebecca Romijn doing blackface. Do you think when, question. Yeah. If she's a mutant who can transform into anyone. Yeah. And she transforms into someone who is black. Yeah. Is she then doing blackface?

I'm just gonna ask the crowd. You've got a, you have a much more thorough knowledge of the X-Men as me. Has Mystique ever done blackface? Not that I'm aware of. Good, that's good. She has turned into an airplane though, hasn't she?

Yes. So, you know, I suppose that's something to say. We wouldn't condone it, by the way. We're not allowing that in the bunker, that kind of behavior. This isn't season one of Drag Race. Woo! Oh, get it, girl!

You're crazy. I'm so wild. Okay, Thomas, final question for you'm so wild. Okay, Thomas. Final question for you. Final question. Okay. So, if you were in the bunker, your dog, Mika,

would you allow the dog into the bed with anyone you bring back to your Murphy bed? Thank you. Like, to sleep. No, Mika's strictly outside when I have a hookup. That's good. I think dog's not in bed. He does whine at the door though. That's good.

I have a grinder hookup. He goes... Are you sure that's the dog or not? Because you kind of made that sound quite effortless. Also, why do I have a microphone? Me, that's good. Thomas, look at the wig. I mean...

And what sound do you make during sex? Woof, woof. Woof? I thought you were straight. Wait, no, I don't care. I don't want to know. I don't need to know. Anyway, you pick. I don't care. Well, we don't...

We don't have many straight men in the bunker. No. By design. But... I mean, God, this is really tricky. Maybe we should just put in Mika. A dog in the bunker? A dog.

Now, just to confirm, Mika's never appeared on screen, right? Not anything mainstream, no. What? Thomas, I was trying to be funny and make it sound like it was a porn, but no. Thomas, the only one trying to be funny on this stage is Zelda Moon. How dare you? If Mika's in the bunker, I'm in the bunker. No.

Well, you're dead. No. The crab's got you. Oh, and it's not a talkback show, actually. So I think the dog will actually do just fine. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Get out, get out. Of course, I had to clarify if the dog will actually do just fine thank you of course I had to clarify

if the dog had been on stage because if it had been on screen it would be fed to the Meg but of course you all know exactly what I'm talking about and find that quite hilarious I just think Rebecca Romijn is just a real class act I think she'll be in Deadpool. Don't we think?

If Jennifer Garner, your sister, is in Deadpool, then why the fuck not Rebecca? Well, she can't even get into an imaginary bunker right now, so I don't know. You tell me, the world, the man. Well, that brings us to the end of this episode. It's been so fabulous being here with you all but we do have to of course take the space car home Yeah

But before we go we do have to of course get a few things out of the way First that guy with the shoes Don't I don't know if he thinks it's funny You know we're being funny right you should just we love this you know what Zelda wait the shoes need to be in the boat yes okay now they're like sequin converse.

Okay. Yeah, bring them back up. Come on, we're only four minutes over time. Comedy Republic will love the shoes as well. Comedy waits for no man.

Yes. You can just send the shoe if you want. No, yeah, just the shoes. I can't believe... The shoes didn't choose to exist.

Like you chose to buy them oh my god the soul of the shoe is also a pride rainbow and um incredible yes

what was your name shoes uh it's shoes yeah yes that's good very good thank you so much

shoes incredible well take the microphone off shoes oh thank you shoes send them back from whence they came give it up for shoes woo Incredible. Well, take the microphone off shoes. Oh, thank you, shoes. Send them back from whence they came.

Give it up for shoes. Give it up for shoes. And now we do the outro. And I don't know if you'll listen to the end, but we record the outro every single time. I don't know why we do that. Someone, who was it? Gabriella Labucci was like, oh, you do that every time.

Like, we don't yet have the technology to record and repeat something. No, no, no. We're waiting. Shall we? Yeah, go ahead. Death to Everyone was recorded in front of

a live studio audience. By Matt Shears. And Luke. And Luke. And Luke. And our theme song and music is provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. If you have anything you'd like to say to us,

say it to us downstairs in the bar in front of the merch table. And for all your supporters, please, downstairs at the bar at the merch table. And vote to support us, please. Downstairs at the bar at the merch table. And with that, Bar Lector. Bar Lector to you all. Bye-bye! Thank you!