Death To Everyone - Death To... Lady Gaga, Megs & The Holidays

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Which Meg gets to come into the bunker? Can Lady Gaga come too? Listen and find out. Lazy and Zelda also discuss their own queer histories and the 'Diva Theory'. Follow us, won't you? ⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone⁠⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod⁠⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/mslazysusan⁠⁠ ⁠⁠https://twitter.com/MsLazySusan⁠⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/zeldamoon⁠⁠ ⁠⁠https://twitter.com/zelda__moon⁠⁠ Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. ⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/naturalhabitatstudios⁠ Our theme and music was provided by Edie Centric and Angus Leslie. ⁠https://www.instagram.com/ediecentric/⁠ ⁠https://www.instagram.com/pir_ingi103/

Hello sister, hello there, sister, sister, sister, sister Welcome back to another week of Death to Everyone My name is Zelda Moon And my name is Lacey Susan How are you dear? Oh darling, I'm feeling good is Lacey Susan. How are you, dear? Oh, darling. I'm feeling good. This is our very first post-release episode

of Death to Everyone. Yes! So we now know what it's going to sound like. You're already listening to it. You're loving it. We get hearing

all your amazing feedback. Thank you. And if you're just joining us for this episode, what are you doing? But also, what's the show about, Zelda Moon? Well, you know what?

It's the end of the world. It is. The end is nigh. We have escalated in size, wisdom, and power to oversee the end of the world. Kind of like administrating the end of the world. Yeah. Yeah. In like a godlike sense.

Well, yeah, like God's's administrators that's my dream job and we are here to decide the best of the best the things that should be preserved when we move forward after the apocalypse we have a bunker and the best of the best goes into the bunker and you will join alarms such as G Gwyneth Paltrow, the bones of Carrie Fisher, Kellogg's crunchy nut. Absolutely. Romeo Beckham, Billy Lord, some species of crabs. How about just the glass sarcophagus of Snow White used as a coffee table? Also for extra storage. Zelda, what is the apocalypse this week?

This week I have some bad news for you, Lazy Susan, because on the horizon, on its way to Earth, it's passing Mars right about now, is an asteroid. Oh, the classic. A classic. Oh, that's quite chic.

It is coming straight for us. Deep impact. Yep, and there's nothing we can do. Can't mitigate. We sent a rocket into it to try and explode it and send little fractures. And that happened, but it just made more asteroids. Let's take one asteroid, make five. Yeah.

And it also doubled its speed. Oh, my God. It's against the laws of quantum physics. Yes, but unallowed. Thanks, Elon. Thanks, SpaceX. Thanks, X. What is Twitter going to change to?

Full stop. What is Twitter? What is the URL going to change to? What, x.com.au? I think he owns it. X. I think he owns x.com.au i think he owns it x i think he owns x.com.au maybe that's all he can get he could only get the australian domain

but like it's like i just it's so stupid yeah but he's been pushing the x agenda since he worked at paypal he wanted to change the name of paypal to x and they were like no that's stupid and lame and he was like guys let's do it and they were like absolutely not bye bye get out oh my god and then they got rid of him and then years later he buys this company and it's like well i guess i am the big boss and like yes i guess so what would your first action mean he's like hmm i think you'll find it quite exceptional like why did you say it like that all my ideas are excellent it's time to take this company to the extreme. Don't tell my ex.

And Grimes is like, what? Okay, great, cool, good to know. Yeah, asteroid, it's coming right for us. Now, as is tradition, before we arrived at the studio today, we went to my mother's house for dinner. Yeah. And all night, you know, like, so we're recording this. Three episodes are out so far of the pod.

All night, mum's like, oh, you know, like, how's it going? I would say at this point, your mother has become like, you know, the fourth member of the podcast. The silent fourth member. Yes. Because she is, you know, the prelude to every episode is us having dinner with your mother. Yeah, it's a good setup. And she deceived us. Well, okay.

You go. Putty time arrives. We've just had the most delicious pasta and then it's putty time. And then Zelda's mother, Mama Zelda, is like, okay, so I'm just going to fetch Pudi. And we'd kind of said, oh, well, we spoke about Pudi on the pod. People are talking about Pudi now. The world knows about Pudi. And she was like, oh, what?

Oh, my gosh. That's crazy. And what have they been saying? Do they know Pudi? Yeah. Did they know about the Pudi before this? Because obviously everyone knows about putty anyway so she's like okay i'm gonna go and fetch putty but you can't look at me you can't look at me you have

to look away look away from the whole section of the kitchen that i'm in you stay there at the dinner table we'll continue this conversation as normal just don't look at me and then wait you know a minute into that and then your mom is like okay well i'm not going to add any more to this conversation because i fear that if i talk you'll be enticed to look at me and then you won't get your putty because you know actions have consequences that is word for word what she said and so the you know you can hear the kind of shuffling and moving of things behind us but neither of us look medusa you, kind of feelings because there was a threat of no putty.

And then in front of us, she lays two bowls of vanilla ice cream with Milo in them. And she has this like wicked look on her face. And she's like, for putty. And she's like, I have been listening to the podcast which she's kept a secret for weeks which is incredible just for this one pudding moment incredible the theatrics the payoff but then also she goes on to say and i was shocked by your answer because i thought you would have said you know one of my mother's incredible you know like baked pies yes and she was also like i was shocked you didn't mention that i am the best at mastermind the game we used to play on camps together

she's like i am the mastermind and now i believe her with her putty stunt true that was very weeks in the making it was a very now you see me kind of moment you know now you see me with jesse eisenberg they're magicians i don't know what you're saying to me listen it was incredible and then i was like in my brain rewinding to the part where you're like i'm absolutely filled with calm and i was like is that what i sound like to you i to the world oh my god and i was horrified because of the things and then i was like so what do you think of the content of the podcast and she was like my son is a weathered old witch of 58 years. I can't be shocked that he's living his life. Our old therapist, because apparently Zelda and her mother shared a therapist, which is very telling.

That's another story. Our old therapist used to have five guys on the go at any given time, which is incredible. But also, when did that come come up at what point during the therapy and she said if if it's good enough for him it's good enough for my cane wow which is incredible also pretty much worth your work and that's when i found out that my mother supports my um promiscuous lifestyle well and then to kind of close out that story she was just like but lazy susan my son's out here spilling his guts quite literally telling his love life story and yet from you nothing you seem quite closed off

like she's waiting for me to talk about you know when have you been filled with calm well i know my good son is telling stories of five guys at any one moment but what about you yeah that's been said to me a few times yeah people have said to me that i've been quite open perhaps too open at times but that you've been quite a closed book well you know we've got to keep you in line for season two because for me i know all the disgusting and awful stories and so do you about my life so the continuum is is for me like i i feel open however if you just looked through the the letterbox that is this podcast you would see you know a demure young woman and a gargantuan woman seeping cum from every orifice and that is

your impression of us too and i'm i'm sorry to say that's not the case uh we also haven't had an episode since we did Drag Expo. Oh, I'm exhausted. What a time. Just thinking about it. Yeah. So we did Drag Expo. We did advertise this podcast at Drag Expo. We did a booth that was a miniature city and we were dressed as giant kaiju monsters. Yes.

And we had banners that said death to everyone, which thankfully no one questioned. No one's questioned. And Zelda was setting up the booth, and she was like, okay, so we have this sky behind the booth, and she had a model plane, and then she had the giant banner flowing from behind it, like one of those classic planes. But it wasn't one of those planes that might carry an advertisement above a football stadium or whatever.

It was a giant like 747. Well, for context, we went to Kmart to look at toys. And I said, where's the Zeppelin? That poor shop assistant. And they didn't have one. So I had to buy a Boeing 747. And so she takes the Boeing 747, aims it down on the backdrop where she's pinning it towards a skyscraper miniature skyscraper that is on fire that is on fire with the giant banner flowing behind it that says death to

everyone in a miniature and um something about that just didn't seem right in my defense, I was the first one to say, hold on, this isn't quite right. In my defense, 9-11 did happen. Oh my God. So then we very respectfully redirected the plane away from the city and more of a up, up, up and away. See Zelda, if you'd been there, maybe things would have gone a bit different. You'd have had the planes going up up and away yeah it's not down down to the city that's the wrong way you silly goose you want to see have your message flown high for all to see death to everyone um but it was fabulous we saw a lot of um amazing queens did you have any

celeb encounters did you have any fab because there was like a few ideas okay go on uh so drag expo was two days two long days day one amazing day also good. We come to the end of the day. We're packing up the booth. We've been there for 12 hours or something. And then we're done. Like, everything's packed up. We're just waiting to load the vehicle. And I see Lazy over yonder. Oh, my God.

I forgot about this. Oh, my God. And she is talking to an icon, someone that I genuinely am like enamored with. She's chit-chatting with Sydney drag queen Vanity of Wigs by Vanity fame, Courtney Axe's sister. And we, like I know Vanity from previous expos and chit-chatting and like last year I bought her a beer

at like 9am before we opened and it was hilarious. Oh my God. But I was like, oh, we haven't seen Vanity yet this weekend. So Lazy's over there chit-chatting and I was still at the booth and I was like, oh, this is perfect. So I collected all of our merchandise. I would just like to interject here with quickly my side of the story.

Oh yes, yes, yes. Is that I was standing at the granny bingo booth and then i turned around and vanity was there and she's like oh my god hello i haven't said hello to you all weekend so good to see you and we're chit-chatting and then this happens so then i i see that and i collect all the merch so i've got our fabulous stripper pens where when you tip it our outfit falls off and our fridge magnets that are a full set each one of lazy one of myself where we are in our drag body and then you can put different clothes on us and they're very entertaining and then a few stickers for this

podcast death to everyone and i was like i'm just going to give vanity everything because she's incredible and for free you're going to gift it to us for free yeah i was like it's the end of the weekend she's an icon like and i want her to have these things because she's cool and this stuff is cool and my sister's over there so i trot on over and i join the conversation and i say vanity i just want to give you these how are you like this is some of our merch please just like take it with you as you leave and she looks me dead in the eye and kind of then casts a glance down to the merchandise which you're holding towards her and she doesn't oh she doesn't grab it no no she doesn't take she kind of like flinched away from it a little bit. She did. Yeah. With her entire body.

And she said, wait, so these are fridge magnets. I was like, yeah. And, you know, like you dress this up. And she's like, no, I don't want that. I don't really, I don't, I've moved away from using fridge magnets. I'm not doing magnets anymore. I don't do magnets. I'm not doing magnets anymore. And Tuchel's like okay okay

and then she goes and the pens if they're related to the magnets i don't want those either it was incredible because you were like holding them up like hello vanities never seen someone so excited in your entire life what like i'm sorry i'm actually related i'm not doing magnets and also to be honest if if the magnets have anything to do with the pens i don't want the pen i don't want those either and then i would like all i had left was like two stickers that were like 50 cent coin size and she was like yeah i'll take those it'll remind me to listen and she was like i won't stick it to anything it was incredible because this is the thing about vanity if you don't know vanity like you need to go because she is someone who will always be famous oh despite

the fact that she doesn't seem to want it at all. She is so charismatic and yet like there is nothing she can do to not be beloved and seen by the world because she does a YouTube video and it blows up. She starts a wig business and it blows up. Yeah. You know, she just is this person. Yeah. Anyway, so that we're standing there and like the conversation leaves what for me me has been the saddest car wreck that I've ever witnessed. And I just had to watch it. I was just like, oh, my God.

I felt like the poor people on that 747 with the death to everyone banner on it. Oh, my God. I was just sitting there watching it and then she turns and she's like, oh, I've got this ulcer on my tongue. And I was like, go on. like ulcer on my tongue i was like go on and she's like with this beautiful talent pink you know swarovski crystal nail poking her tongue where there's blood just gushing out of her tongue like she's just like it feels like it's really fucked it's like an ulcer like an ulcer on my tongue and like i think that that was the conversation you were walking

into oh yeah yeah and i was like yeah ulcers on tongues i thought they suck it's like piercing blood out of the like malibu barbie face yes like she's platinum blonde made up like a million bucks like the most beautiful woman you've ever seen truly pissing blood out of her mouth onto her fingernail and she's just poking at her tongue at the hole in it and i'm watching it and then i just grab her hand and i'm like stop stop no more and take her hand away from her mouth and then she just goes straight back and i'm like no and um yeah so that was my celebrity a brush with fame it was um haunting it was incredible it was so incredible my god you know what they say so zelda yeah to you to have a little break yes okay we'll be right back. And welcome back.

I'm absolutely brimming with cum right now, Zelda. Don't lie. I'm trying to be vulnerable with these people. No. I think maybe, um, no. What? No. No. Like, how do I make myself appear more human?

Yeah. I don't know if that's in your skill set no no but it's you know i can try i baked fresh banana bread you did no but i could say things like that to make people like me what do nice people say Have you ever made banana bread? Yes. Ooh. How was it? Is this a nice people conversation? Is this how it goes? Maybe.

I have never made banana bread. Tell me about the time you made banana bread. This is your humanizing story. Oh, so I was up in Darwin and it was day two. Is this true? This is true. Oh, okay. And my boyfriend, and it was day two. Is this true? This is true. Oh, okay. And my boyfriend, Kurjan, had just gone to work.

And this is why I don't tell humanizing stories. You've immediately shut down. She's lighting my pant leg on fire. And so then while he was out, I decided to make some banana bread because I noticed that the bananas were going bad in the bowl because everything goes bad real quick in Darwin. Real quick. Yeah. So I made a delicious banana bread and then I, you know, offered it to the housemates and it was fabulous.

That is just so interesting. Go on. I'm kind. Yes. It was actually not a great banana bread, to be honest, if I'm real. Huh. But it kept getting eaten. Yeah.

Well, if it's there, you're going to eat it, aren't you? Well, that's it. But even a bad banana bread is a good banana bread kind of thing, sort of thing. Kind of thing. Yeah. Well, that's it. But even a bad banana bread is a good banana bread kind of thing,

sort of thing. Kind of thing. Yeah. Now, as per, it has been heavily requested that our audio recorder. Sound engineer? Sound engineer. You can call me that. He's now got a microphone.

So if you have anything to say. Say it now. Speak up. Virtual television. Did you get that i did i i just don't know what just happened um um we had a discussion before we started recording tonight and matt said maybe i should be an android hello that's right you're doing a. You're doing a voice. You're doing a bit. This feels sustainable. This is going to be hours of your life being like, hello.

Hello. I absolutely fell for Carl. When's the last time you were filled with Carl Mack? Never. See. Never had the pleasure. No, but I just see it's kind of strange because i sit in this separate room over here and and lazy and zelda over in this other room and i can see them through the window but um they don't really look at me ever they're just talking and i just listen it's nice

oh it's very the lives of others yeah um but great deflection um Why? Zelda, leave this man alone. He's got a newborn child. I know. I know that's your thing nowadays. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. What are we deciding upon?

Our first topic for tonight is which Meg is going into the bunker. Megs. Megs. Okay. Have you met any Megs? I actually have a really close friend named meg what i do i don't know if she gotta be that close we live together for three years i'm joking she's an incredible artist however so that meg is like i'm putting that meg straight meg stoios straight into the bunker however you're i'm not going to discuss the merits of that

private meg with you people i've already told you about the banana bread that was enough stay out of my life let me have give meg her privacy just give us some space well okay the thing i will say about meg is that she's an incredible artist and i have modeled for her quite a few times oh brag like like she does regular shmegular people she did like photos of ghouls well they're they're watercolors halloween shoot they're watercolors oh and she's an amazing artist but she does not like um hold back in her depiction of people so every incredible painting of me that's like watercolor and pencil and paint and mixed media sort of stuff i look like the most disgusting oaf creature you've ever seen because she just brings it out in me it's photorealistic so maybe

maybe she shan't be in the the well that's fabulous who else have you better called meg that's it that was 100 but famous megs famous megs which is some of your favorite megs i love meg ryan yes obviously when harry met sally uh-huh like a key moment for neurotic women like myself um I've never seen that. What? No. But you haven't seen anything and you don't like romantic comedies. No.

What is it about romantic comedies that ticks you off? Oh, I just like what they're either going to end up together or not. Well, you could say that for anything. Yeah, but like I'm interested in those things. Like, I don't,'t i just and a comedy oh don't make me laugh i just like i as we sit here on a comedy podcast i just like i hate com like i think the concept of comedy is really like stupid like i'm gonna say a joke and then you're gonna laugh you know it's so needy it's so disgusting and like that's like a romantic comedy oh god well how what's your favorite romantic

comedy um nodding hill i haven't seen that love actually I haven't seen that About Time No What is I feel like there's one with Jennifer Lopez that I've seen Made in Manhattan Yes Is that a romantic comedy? That's a rom-com

Yeah You're correct Good job Oh thank you But that's just because Jennifer Lopez is in it Correct That's the only thing I remember about it And of course Because she steals every movie that she's in But that's just because Jennifer Lopez is in it. Correct. That's the only thing I remember about it.

And, of course, because she steals every movie that she's in. Well, perhaps your issue with rom-coms is just that you haven't seen any of them. Could be it. Anyway, Meg Ryan, incredible. Meg Stalter. Megan Mullally. Are we doing Megans? Yeah, Megans. Megan Markle.

Oh, I don't know about Megangan markle what you don't like megan markle i think she's just trying to ruin that family you don't think that i don't care no no it is just it's funny to me that you know like sometimes people that were not meant to be famous become very famous they just get carried by the wave of a moment in time so it's like the royal family shouldn't be famous none of them are particularly talented or interesting but just by being born they're famous yeah megan markle probably shouldn't be a-list famous she's like suits was a good level for her she She's very network TV famous. Yeah. But there's nothing interesting about her.

Freckles. And she's just like, she's beautiful in the way that people on network television are beautiful. It makes sense. But we shouldn't have to like pretend like, like we've spent so much time discussing these people that are not like serving any kind of cunt they're just boring yeah like actually boring people it's so boring people like obsession with royals i just like i cannot i just

like it's so trage oh so much so the cult around princess diana who strikes me as someone who was exceedingly boring and just wore some fucking goofy jumpers sometime like they're like she's a fashion icon i'm like is she she was a humanitarian oh bitch in the way that every fucking person who is sitting on government fucking money for most of the like she's just wealthy you can point to any wealthy person they'll be like we gave you know 30 million dollars to unicef That doesn't make you a humanitarian. That just makes you someone with like a good accountant who's doing tax write-offs. Like, I'll give you like Princess Di was doing more, but she wasn't like doing the most.

But I think because she used her celebrity to highlight issues. And I will commend her for her behavior during the aids epidemic however i think that a lot of is made of that like elizabeth taylor did more to fight for gay men during the aids epidemic than princess di i think princess di was just put in a situation and made the best of it but we have had to spend like the next fucking 30 years pretending like she was like the most interesting celebrity we've ever had yeah no i bet midler why are we not talking about bet midler more i think in your circles you are talking about i'm not talking about princess die i had to fucking sit through spencer what spencer spencer princess dies original last name

there was a film made about her no i haven't seen that yeah we'll see you don't have to deal with the repercussions no um i just think that what a fabulous haircut i mean true yeah it's cam what about um meg from family guy It's Cam. What about Meg from Family Guy? I don't like Family Guy for the record. We're just talking about Megs. Isn't it funny that show, Family Guy, has just done so much to... So much harm. It really has.

It poisoned a generation of men yes you know the character of meg is meant to be a subversion of the classic sitcom family structure where they all love each other and it's like what if you had one character that everyone just fucking hated despite the fact that there's seemingly nothing wrong with her but the issue is it's a young woman yeah and the show is directed predominantly at young men so it felt like it was really granting permission to just like hang shit on young women yeah and that vibe has definitely like aggregated amongst the fans and now we have trump in the white house so you tell me you tell me how that happened yeah what about the meg so that's where we're gonna land here the giant shark the meg

would you describe the meg as a rom-com for me the best meg to ever have existed is of course the megalodon um and that is what is going in the bunker let me just tell you right now how are we getting a megalodon into the bunker it's a big bunker like but like i imagine the opening is an oceanarium inside no wait are we having an oceanarium yeah we didn't discuss this well i'm renovating the bunker we're gonna have to pull some funds from somewhere we're gonna move carrie's bones slightly to the left and put a fish tank in the corner tiny fish tank with a megalodon in it yeah you're a dinosaur person it is so cool that like like it's just fucking cool that what what? The Meg.

Go on. Sell me on the Meg. That it existed, that it was so big, that it's like so similar to Great White Sharks, but like much smaller. Yeah. And like that movie is so stupid. Also, I love shark movies.

They are so silly and fun. Like Deep Blue Sea. I love Deep love deep blue sea oh it's so good is it ll cool j who's who's the i don't know the chef that survives yeah that's good as a representation of sharks like for shark representation in the bunker every day is shark week but actually i don't know if the megalodon is a shark it must be look at it it's actually really offensive for you to say that it's actually really weird that you would say that if you want to bring meg ryan as well then that's oh no i don't think it's the fun like fuzzy curly haircut iconic meg ryan hair i know i i don't i think i don't need meg ryan but i do think i need like me meg megan stalter is obviously like an actual icon in comedy yeah

who is like genuine like that part of that new york queer wave that's sweeping through with like cola scholar and julio torres and all those people that are like redefining kind of comedy that you hate so much yeah away from like a straight male heterosexual perspective and into something more exciting and a bit more dangerous and a bit more weird yeah so she can come and i kind of like the other thing is miguel maloli is so formative to me because will and grace is like 98 of my like dna there's the generations of gay yeah and there's like the queerest folk will and grace generation and then we're like the last of like the classic, like back when the divides were still up between like gays and lesbians and like, you know,

and nowadays it's like, thankfully, what might I say? Those walls have come down in a real, like, but like, that was like peak nineties. Like the idea was like,

gays were a faction and they hate lesbians and all gays hate vaginas. And well, you were either queer as folk or you were the l word yeah yeah exactly yeah now we just have one show the great british bake-off something all queer people can get behind absolutely but um yeah it's it's that that element um so i think she like, she's so cool. I love that her and Debra Messing hate each other now because they like couldn't agree on set. And it's like obvious that Megan Mullally is like a kook, but she's always correct. I don't know. It's a vibe.

I, my only note on Megan Stalter is that I can't suffer high gay gays. Well, that's not her fault. And that's her fault. It is. Like it is. And it's also everyone's fault yeah and if she's down there some faggot or like romeo beckham is gonna go okay romeo beckham does not know about like he doesn't know about gay he knows about gay. He, oh my God, speaking of celebrity encounters, we posted a picture of Romeo Beckham to our Instagram story and he viewed it. It's so, because I do check the views. I love to see.

Who's seen? Who's seen what? You know, I have my little bingo card. Like, for example, a good day for like a who's seen what you know i have my little bingo card like for example a good day for like uh who's seen is when you get all your exes oh in your scenes and you're like do do do and like it's really hard it actually only happens like once like every year yeah but like i'll get a day where it's like every ex of mine has seen the story it's incredible i feel so powerful and like i will survive um but romeo beckham and was just looking at the third story so he didn't go back to the

other story but just the one of him that said bunker babe and then a heart and it was a picture of him and i think if i was him, I'd be very disturbed. Because he would have gotten that, it's late at night, you're in the UK. Yeah, we'll come back from practice. Falling asleep in the attic room that they've had converted for you, Romeo. And you can hear Victoria, you know. Yeah, trotting around the house going, AIDS. You have to give context, You can't just say AIDS.

No, it's my all-time favorite quote of anything ever. And it's from Victoria Beckham's 73 Vogue Questions. Victoria, if you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? AIDS. And she doesn't stop. She's mid-stroll through her store in London where they're selling designer bags for too much money. And she trots through and she just turns, continues walking straight and says, AIDS.

AIDS. And doesn't miss a beat. It's incredible. But anyway, Romeo's hearing his mum say AIDS. AIDS. And she, in that moment, did more than Princess Diana ever could. and she in that moment yeah did more than princess diana ever could so i'm gonna say mega maloli okay and the megalodon yeah we're installing an oceanarium we haven't okayed the oceanarium i have so if that hasn't been done i'm afraid we're just

going to have to bring the meg in and see what we can do on the fly i also really enjoy that the meg comes in alive but carrie fisher couldn't add to come in his bones well do you think there's going to be one skeleton no no like a real megalodon still swimming in the depths. Oh, I do think. Just out there somewhere. If there is one, if there's a live one, we'll see what we can do. Carrie we know is dead. There's no Carrie fishes swimming down at the depths of the sea. In the Mariana Trench.

Maybe there is. Oh, I love the Mariana Trench. Maybe we can do a topic one week that's like, which thing from the Mariana Trench is coming into the bunker? Matt, it's really upsetting hearing you laugh at the stupid things I'm saying. Can I tell you, though, we, and Zelda, don't listen to this, but at that aforementioned trivia gig that was wildlife themed, we were kind of going turn for turn on talk spots to like, you know, host half of the trivia. Then the other gal would take over and the other one would kind of walk around and just do little quippies. And so Zelda in her time was like, ooh, in response to a question, oh yes, blue whales can get down to such a depth.

Has anyone been on that website where you can look at the Mariana Trench and it will tell you how deep everything lives? It's a website and it's fully animated and you can just scroll up and down and it will show you what lives at different depths. It's incredible. And no one in the room of drunk people who are chemically altered to enjoy what you're saying more gave a shit about what she was saying. And so we were like, okay. And like I looked around.

It was like the room of people was vanity and I was me and you were you. And I was so like, well, that's over now. And then we came back from our break half an hour later these people are now half an hour more inebriated yeah and zelda's like i've got it up everyone and then proceeds to like scroll in front of a room of 200 people the website and then reads out the like url so that they can investigate themselves in the year 2023 when every single person is on their phone not a single person had their phone out miraculously not no one cared to check this information well let me tell you i'm gonna post that website on our socials i would soon die we're not having an oceanarium as a punishment

no we are as your punishment for being so cruel i made banana bread okay now it's time for a break. Break! And break. And welcome back. And what? How could you hate comedy? Sorry, sorry. When you yourself. You go, you go, you go.

Okay. And welcome... I hate you. Okay, okay, okay. Shut up. And welcome back. Hello, everyone. I'm fucking sending the oceanarium back if you don't shut up. Okay.

We're going to need it to drown someone. Go on. We have buckets and buckets of anthrax. True. Okay, sister. My dear sister. Are you ready for our next topic this week? Absolutely.

Which calendar holiday is going into the bunker? Yeah, what's allowed to be celebrated in the bunker. This is good. This is important because we are going to want to, you know, keep the suicide rates down. And a holiday. Oh, shit. They peak around the holidays, don't they?

No holidays in the bunker. Every day is the same. Every day is zero same Every day is zero Well okay so we have Cup day What is wrong with you? Labor day We have Christmas

Easter Halloween We have Thanksgiving Valentine's day We have Thanksgiving. Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. We have Yom Kippur. For some reason, St. Patrick's Day. We have Purim.

No, that's it. The key. Truly, when she died, when Lizzie died, shouldn't that have just been the end? That is. Well, you know, her dying was like Avengers Endgame. Yes. That was like, okay, well, we've seen what happens to her. She died.

She got turned into dust. Yeah. And now with Charles or whatever, it's like Ant-Man 3. It's awful. Well, see, if only they could explain it to the world like well americans don't care about the royal family they only care about they care now that like it's young and hip with the harry and megan and like it's that's like it does feel like if you were writing the plot line of it all this new scandal of the pulling away from the family is keeping the story going yeah but it feels hack and boring

it's just like when she died that should have been the end like having a king's birthday yuck do you know how many drag kings would have lost my hat to the king like ew yeah if you can't have kings on drag race you can't have them as holidays true and until that changes no kings get rupal on the phone i think i love christmas yeah that's a vibe christmas is just so camp it's very camp the decorations the lights yeah the australian christmas is such a specific experience because it's like so much of Christmas is like pretending you're having a good time, despite the fact that the weather is the worst that it's going to be all year round. Correct. The entire holiday is like designed to cover, to mask the flavor of the bitter, bitter winter.

Oh. Everything is like, isn't the snow amazing? We made aman you're like no it's cold fuck off and they're like isn't it great you can drink during the daytime and like yeah because it's awful here so it's like everything is designed to kind of hide the fact that it's an awful time of year during the, you know, American summer, you don't need a big holiday to hide the fact that, you know, that anything is going on. You can just celebrate. Yeah. Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate.

When you bring Christmas to Australia, it's like a vibe because the weather's incredible. You're eating amazing food and enjoying yourself. What a vibe. Oh, my God. I thought you were going down the direction of it's the worst weather in Australia for a holiday, which it is. It's always so hot. You're not working.

You can go to the pool. You get sunburned. Not in the bunker. Well, no, for the algae in the oceanarium, we'll need some light bulbs that have. I think a pitch black ocean area with a sinister meg mega malali um yeah i think that is the rule mega malali has to fight for survival in the ocean area she can have a halberd she can have whatever weapon she can find her wit she would admit uh megalodon i think yes well no but she's on its turf now the oceanarium i hate hot australian christmas also we're jibbed of that experience and like

all of the imagery that's a lie baby no no no no but it's like have you been i want cold christmas have you had cold christmas i want snow have you had it still i want to shovel it from my drive i want to oh i braved the storm to get here grandmother well that's because you've been bought into the literal multi-billion dollar entertainment industry cult that is selling you on cold christmas because when i went to america as a young kid because my father is from america grew up with the most classic massachusetts snowy winter christmases when i got there i would have been this would be when i was like six i'd have been like so excited running around and i was like i wanted to check off that list of things that i'd seen in cartoons about christmas and i was like can i shovel the can i shovel the drive and they were like what

the fuck is wrong with this kid and then like three seconds into any one of those activities you're like this sucks the snow is awful do you know how worse oh you know people who go to like i'm gonna go to japan in winter to go snowboarding you're sick you're unwell you're sick it's not even like if you don't like the sun you always have the snow because you know what the snow does it makes the sun awful it reflects into your eyes it's blinding yeah you touch anything and it's literally frozen yeah and then it it melts onto your body so you're like rugged up more than you ever have been in your life so you're sweating and you're hot but then everything is cold so it's like you can't even regulate your own temperature it is foul like our ancestors fought their entire lives just to avoid the snow and then

you're like opting to go into it the best thing about the snow is woolly mammoths and they're not around anymore so why would i go i just don't see you putting that love into elephants i don't love them as well so if you can't love the thing that you have right now i just don't believe that yeah but that's like were around, you'd care. Yeah, but that's like, you know, like my hair's like fine and thin, but I wish I had curly hair. You know, it's like I've got elephants, but what I really want is a woolly mammoth. Well, that's what I'm saying. You don't actually want woolly mammoths.

You just want them because they're gone. No, I do want them. No, if you had them, you wouldn't care. We have so many incredible things here, and you don't even seem to mention them. I mention them all the time you haven't brought up monkeys once oh monkeys are gross also this is how you'd speak about woolly mammoths if you had to swear smell a woolly mammoth if trisha from your office was like going on a trip and got a photo with a woolly mammoth like with her riding it

being like i love my contiki tour with the woolly mammoth you'd be like well that's because it was a contiki tour but um i was watching some gorilla content on youtube on the weekend and they're so creepy because there's monkeys and gorillas are distinct species they're all creepy because it's so similar to us similar to some maybe they're closer to me than they are to you um um oh awful be more distinctly different from us please what do you want us to do? Put hats on them or something? No, it's too close. That's like a whole genre of movie that's completely died out. How funny is it the monkeys are similar to us? Dunstan?

He checked in. Christmas isn't in the bunker. No. No. Obviously religion has caused so many issues. Do I really want to bring all that mishagosh down into the bunker? I don't need God. We're God.

I'm God. And also like there's only some fairy lights for Christmas, like Christmas lights that are good and the rest are bad. Do you know what's so sad about this contemporary age we're living through? Yeah. That they got rid of those super spiky that's the ones that's good they're amazing they're the only one they're so fucked well you know what's better the real candle in the tree living life dangerously literally have you ever seen the film it's not mannequin but it might be mannequin like it's not mannequin but it's like a mannequin but made for

tv movie yeah and there's a girl who doesn't have a mom and then a mannequin from a store comes to life not the film mannequin and the woman is perfect and she becomes her new mother and it's not life-size with lindsey lohan for those of you saying it because tyra banks is not a perfect mother the woman comes in and she's like oh we're going to decorate for christmas and she's like we haven't done that since mom died and she's like oh let's do it and then she puts the lit candles in the tree because she's a mannequin. She's dumb dumb. She doesn't understand. And then the house burns down and it's incredible. I think about it all the time. One day I will have like a family that I'll marry into

and I'm going to behave like a mannequin and I'm going to like take the kids shopping and like get a mannequin made that looks like me and walk them past it and like just hope that they notice and be like. Oh my God, the kids shopping and like get a mannequin made that looks like me and walk them past it. And I just hope that they notice. The thought of you like marrying a woman who is like a single mother with three children and masquerading as their mannequin father just so you can burn their house down at Christmas time. No, you know, gay men can have children Zelda. Oh my God.

Anyway, Halloween's going in the bunker. god thank god you said it we can stop the pretense i don't like easter although i do love hiding things from children but not eggs unless the children are diabetic their meals yeah well when i'm mannequin father i'm like i don't understand your ways are we not meant to hide the meals i grew up the child of an american yes in australia yeah and australians love nothing more than pointing out that you are not in america we don't celebrate that here so we would go trick-or-treating out of spite the sheer force of will this has been my whole career you don't celebrate that here. So we would go trick-or-treating. Out of spite?

The sheer force of will. This has been my whole career. You don't like me dressing up and entertaining you, but you are going to watch it. That was the people at that trivia night when I was telling them about the Mariana Trench. Maybe you should become a teacher. Forcing people to engage with information they don't want. forcing people to engage with information they don't want but we would trick or treat in the full sunlight most people tell us fuck off yeah this is the

suburbs it was the early 2000s yeah some people would give us like handfuls of mints like 4x mints some people would give us coins like five cent pieces that they had in jars yeah it was very disappointing now i feel like i'm the princess diana because i kind of laid the groundwork for the people now enjoying the spoils of what i did you know that's my humanitarian you've just done so much i hate australians complaining that we don't celebrate halloween here because guess what we do bitch yeah what about that well that's i just can't that's not an argument when you're sitting there watching your tv that's filled with like 80 american content yeah when you're wearing your clothes which are from american brands yes

using your electronics in your mobile phone that's an american mobile phone it's like so this is like the one thing that you decided to draw the line at was the fun celebration where kids get free candy from their neighbors and people dress up and have fun that's where you decided candy that was too much but everything else you'll take from america we don't call it candy here also it's fun it's like the one thing that's just like only exists to be fun well this is why gay people like it so much so gay people love it because a i mean you get to transform your identity for a night which is a gateway drug so it's like say you're having feelings that you want to experiment with your gender guess what halloween's here to completely mask dress up as miss havisham yeah so you want to like you know just try on different ideas of yourself even you know outside of gender then you

can do that yeah so it's like a perfect night one night a year where you can just become something else which is something we're all too familiar with in our community also and more importantly it's a holiday that is fabulous that is not at all based around going to see your family yes it doesn't involve there's no guilt there's no expectation if you have a family you can participate and there is a whole section which is for kids which is fabulous but equal to that section is the part that's for adults yeah which is getting sloshed and going and partying and you know dressing spooky okay yeah halloween lock it in halloween spooky ookie um okay in that mix though what costumes are we allowing because we can't have i'm not like bringing down 50 000 costumes no but i think the

the like we have uh a laptop in the bunker and they can order from costume box you think costume box is surviving the apocalypse it's not in the bunker but it will still exist so you really think costume box is going to survive an asteroid yeah fair enough what can i say i think um nothing could stop costume box at this point that's true they are our new god i am against against this and i would just like three costumes oh everyone has to share yeah like three physical costumes and i think that they can be like, mummy. Yes. Frankenstein's monster. And dokula. What do you want?

Four. We need a witch. Oh. And a witch's hat. And nose. And there'll be probably, I think, about like 50. Props? Thousand people in the bunker.

Oh. How long is this podcast going to go for? Well, that's it. I don't know. Well, I mean, I assume if there's going to be some fag down there saying, hi,

gay, like, you know, he's going to want the witch's hat. Oh, well, you're letting him in. I did.

I'm not letting him in. I said no to Megan. That's why. Oh, that's right. Poor Megan Malali. Okay. She's fine. She can have's right. Poor Megan Mullally in the oceanarium. She's fine.

She can have a wetsuit. She's already dressed for Halloween. I'm a deep sea diver. I'm a sexy deep sea diver. That is the one night of the year that she's allowed out of the oceanarium. It's your special night. If you're very quiet on a cold bunker's eve, you might just see the sopping wet Megan Mullally, Emmy Award winner, as she leaves the ocean tank.

It's a lonely night for the Megalodon, though. Her saddest night of the year. She would leave, but she can't. Maybe that's the one night of the year that she gets legs. But human legs on the Megalodon. Oh my God. And she just drags herself. But obviously in red pumps.

I heard a sound coming up. She's like, I've come as sexy lady. All of the Meg wanted for us to be a sexy lady. Like me and Malali. And we would blame her. Basically, not everyone gets to dress up only three people do but then everyone else has to go into their their rooms and those three people go up and down the bunker all night and knock on the doors and get candy oh that's fun. And they rotate every year. Yes. Well, maybe. When I was in Japan. During winter for snowboarding.

No. We went to a karaoke bar and like in the foyer of the building is this like massive rack of costumes. And like everyone before they go into their karaoke rooms puts on a silly little costume. And it was so cute. Okay. Okay, let's take a break. All right. And now we're back, back, back. Hello.

We're talking like... Death to everyone. My name is Lazy... What? Do you remember those old Casio keyboards? And they had the random Random sounds you could go like DJ DJ DJ And then it had the woman that went

Where is she I want her She's in the bunker We would like sit for hours around My friend's keyboard just going I think it was like our first interaction with adult sexuality and for them it went into like now they're married and like have woman wives

but for me it means that i'm like a cross-dresser who's obsessed with being like you wanted to become that that lady i wanted to become that that three second sound file it's like find her put her on the soundboard i my auntie dj on the soundboard. I, my auntie... DJ! Sorry, go on. Go on. You talk, you talk.

DJ! Go on, sorry. My auntie had... My auntie had a keyboard that like had pre-recorded songs on it like and you could just like hit to play like 64 and it would just like play the techno track i loved that i'm glad we finally got to the bottom of that. That's the end of that story. Why are you so good at that? I listen to it so many times. Oh, God, we're so gay. Oh.

For our final topic, we're switching it up. We're crazy girls. We're not discussing the best of. We're just discussing one entity we need to decide whether this human is getting admission into the bunker and this is based off one of our patrons that suggested that we now discuss the merits of this one person yeah whether they're making into the bunker and the person is stephanie joanne germanotta lady gaga not in the bunker go on the thing with stephanie if you bring her in just like meg stalter yeah is that like she will encourage this like

like people will be getting born this way tattoos on their fucking shoulder blades. People will be. My mama told me when I was young. Oh, people will be, like, she'll, like, organize, like, a bunker community theater. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. But she'll also be the star in that show.

Here's the thing. Uh-huh. Yeah. But she'll also be the star in that show. Here's the thing. Uh-huh. I, so the working theory is like the diva theory. Is that like young queers are imprinted with a diva.

Yeah. When they're in their formative years, a diva comes to prominence or is introduced to the queer's life. And this can happen to other people. I assume I just haven't heard of it, but the diva enters your life. And once they have imprinted upon you, come rain, come hail, come shine.

Yeah. You like, that is your diva. And like, it doesn't matter what they do. No, it doesn't matter how wretched or bad they become later on it doesn't change anything for you because you will know their

entire discography you will know every interview they gave that is just your diva now forever yeah and you see it with like all the statesmen gays who their diva is madonna yeah and madonna will do something absolutely batshit crazy on contemporary television and they'll be like incredible that's my diva yeah because you release the song american life and they'll go i drink a double shot exact wonder so once the diva has imprinted, you have no option but to stand. And you don't even get a say in who the diva is. So for example, Carlos, my housemate, his diva is Alanis Morissette. He just flew to the Philippines to see Alanis Morissette.

Gay. He didn't have a choice. Like his bank details auto filled by the gay gods and took him him there yeah the visa just came so what i'm saying is i that person is lady gaga i don't have an option about this lady gaga is my diva yeah that's not to say the first imprint point like when you were it was when paparazzi came out. Oh. And I remember that music video with Alexander Skarsgård was so like the first, the Jonas Akerlund like one. It was kind of like the first time I'd seen like, like to me it was like, oh my God, this is incredible.

Like a diva that like is serving iconic looks and like kind of like a story in her videos and it was so cinematic and it was so fab but there was still like you know it's still me so i was kind of obsessed with the dankness as well and like the musical theater vibes and then she did this vogue that year and it was when i was in america and i remember buying the Vogue and she just looked like incredible like super androgyne super fab and that was like there was a point of no return where it was I was just like I can't that's it and when telephone like was coming out it was just like waiting for that video to come out like bad romance obviously it was just like that time when she was coming up if you were getting imprinted with culture, because I hadn't really had a lot of like,

like my music. It was just that woman from the keyboard up until that point. I love her. No, like my music like is mostly like, like during high school, it was very like Fiona Apple and like Annie DeFranco and like, and like,

those are still absolutely like the music that I would listen to if I'm on my own. But for my pop diva, Gaga is that girly. So what I'm saying, all of that to say is, I can see how unbearable this human being is, but there's nothing I can do. And even I wouldn't want her in the bunker because i know that she'd be a pain in the ass but what am i meant to do what um can you just apologize for a few things that she's done okay go on um house labs house labs is fucked that's

bad that was a bad amazon deal yeah that was and like i feel like they're getting a little bit more on course now i think the branding is so off yeah like that was weird and particularly after she disowned the fame perfume yes the black perfume that turns clear when you spray it which is camp yes but she'd said later on she's like i just can't believe i put my name on a you know stupid product just to sell something yeah and then house labs was bad um but i do like their lipstick oh like oh you do like that yes um okay what about the second season of american horror story i didn't watch that i didn't watch that no but you saw the key season no no really yeah no oh i couldn't do that why because it was bad yes it was bad but you know

what she's made up to us how i don't know if you saw a little film called house of gookie i haven't oh my god it is so funny she's so good and incredible like just so cooked in that film it like the accent is bizarre and like the press that she did around it when i don't know if you saw but like she was just like she was playing like a real life woman who'd hired a hitman to kill her husband and she was like the character didn't leave me you know and as i tried to say goodbye to her a cloud of flies flew down from the sky and followed me all throughout the room and i was like like gaga telling her like a cloud of flies that followed her through rome is like why you need lady gaga it's so cooked oh my god yeah she is such a pain in the ass yeah who's your diva jennifer lopez oh true as discussed you are yeah Yeah. Yeah. That's a, it's a very true description of like gay diva culture.

Yeah. Um, and I think like the, the moment that cemented it for me was when I first saw the cell. It was one of my favorite movies and she's incredible. Um, but that paired with the video clip for get right where she plays all the different characters in the video. for get right where she plays all the different characters in the video

and they all have their own lives and their own stories you're like in the bunker all of those women truly my favorite is the one in the bathroom with like the pencil thin eyebrows and she's like chewing gum and then like a girl comes oh it's so good gaga like i was slow to understand what gaga was she's a singer for years my um my old housemate and like one of my very very close friends jeremy used to like quote this and like make fun of me for it but there was one day where we were talking about something and gaga and i was like what is a lady gaga and he used to say that to me all the time because i was just like it was after that album like i just you know like it's like rita aura it's like what is that well that's it like there hasn't been a i think billy eilish or like um

i'm trying to think about who's come forward with like a concept and a look and a vibe and it's like been so like thoroughly straddling like the world of fashion and and also just it's so like brash and how stupid they are like i think that it is appropriate that katie and gaga came up together but i almost think that like you don't have the katie perry version that she is now because she's like that girl that kind of doesn't have an identity of her own but she just does whatever is around her is doing to kind of be cool so i think because she came up during the gaga beyonce era she was like trying to do like kooky spooky art things and that's how you get her vegas show where she's like the katie perry version of like i'm gonna do pop art and it's like actually amazing but it's very

funny that she's just like inherited an identity from just you know osmosis of being in the 2000s i love katie perry oh i know she's almost you know your your new diva she's my secondary diva yeah the secondary it's not as strong you know if she killed someone you'd probably be like maybe not but but yeah with your original diva they can kind of you know wear a chinchilla coat and you'd be like kill more jennifer she but like who could wear it better no one she deserves their lives so i'm gonna say i i don't have a hand in this i just have to let stephanie down i i am going to allow her in under one condition if you'll indulge me no wigs well one wig um she must perpetually perform as if she is outside in a parking lot outside that ikea or whatever the fuck that is her fate in the bunker i agree there if for those of you who don't know, because she's not your diva,

during the period before she really hit big, like, you know, when she was doing the album cycle to try and push the fame, she was performing outside of like, she performed at the opening of an Ikea in the like parking lot. And it's incredible and my ex-house mate was like a really big gaga stan and he i was watching that video with the laptop away from him as he walked through the room and he's like is that the ikea show and she was seeing like it's

just bad romance or whatever but he just knew from the sound of it it's incredible and nothing has ever been more actual drag than performing in the daylight with like you know backup dancers and pretending and living the fantasy that you're actually a star yeah she really like but that video and like that like tenacity and the delusion needed to get through that gig yeah is why she deserves to be a star now yes because it's not like she was um like half-assing it no she was like she worked for it pounding herself into that yeah and you know what chromatic is great okay so she's coming in but she could only perform that i just realized something oh you know what no that can be separate i just had a moment of like

if we don't have christmas in the bunker then we don't have katie perry's every day is a holiday in the bunker but i think christmas carols can be their own category zelda that song is specifically not about christmas it's about holidays holidays and we have one of those yes so she can perform okay so for those of you who don't know kat, Katy Perry was forced at gunpoint and the gun was loaded with several million dollars to make a song for H&M. That's all they used to work at H&M. Yes. And it was the fucking highlight of my five years at that company.

It was also when I went to, I was like the year that I went to Japan at Christmas time. So like I had the campaign here and when i went to i was like the year that i went to japan at christmas time so like i had the campaign here and then i went to japan and like japanese christmas is fucking crazy and like everywhere i turned every day is a holiday so yeah i guess and h&m wanted to promote a christmas carol with their new brand sponsor katie perry catherine and um from all of us to all of you happy and merry holidays but she was not allowed to say christmas or reference christmas because h&m is a secular experience and any creed religion faith that you belong to you can come and enjoy a holiday and so the lyrics are every day is a holiday when you're

the reason to celebrate and every time we've done a christmas show zelda performs that song yeah and i'll do it again this year and i'll do it again it's i used to do it after that year, I performed it every year at the H&M Christmas party as well. Reason. Reason. But it's also so insane because the entire video is like snowy with like red and green costumes. Like it's so. You're like, I know it's Christmas. Yeah.

Stop lying. Okay. Gaga's in under a stupid condition. Yeah. And then we have Miga Malali and the Meg in the tank. And then we have Halloween with three, no, four set costumes. Yes. Of course, Mummy, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula.

And the witch. And witchy poo. And that rounds it up. You know what I'd love to see? Is the Meg wearing the little witch's hat well i don't know what kind of fun shenanigans can happen on the fifth or sixth year but when it's its turn yeah um fabulous yeah well you've suffered through us for another week oh please if you enjoy this content and want to be involved in the conversation head over to the patreon and subscribe new yes we um ask for your opinions and your money and we might listen to them

death to everyone was recorded at natural habitat studios by matthew sheer our theme and music was provided by edie centric and Angus Leslie. And we've been your hosts, Lazy Susan and Zelda Moon. You can contact us at deathtoeveryonepod at gmail.com. And subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash deathtoeveryone. Thanks for listening. Thank you.