Death To Everyone - Death To... The Beckham Children, Nepo Babies, Sex Positions & The McDonald's Menu

Episode Date: August 6, 2023

Welcome to "Death To Everyone!" Join your hosts Lazy Susan & Zelda Moon as they decide what should remain once the world arrives at its inevitable end. In this weeks episode, Lazy & Zelda discuss which of the Beckham children deserve a spot in the bunker, the merits of nepo babies, sex positions and of course highlight some essential snacks from the humble McDonald's menu. Death To Everyone!!! Follow us, won't you? https://www.patreon.com/deathtoeveryone https://www.instagram.com/deathtoeveryonepod https://www.instagram.com/mslazysusan https://twitter.com/MsLazySusan https://www.instagram.com/zeldamoon https://twitter.com/zelda__moon Death To Everyone is recorded at Natural Habitat Studios by Matt Sheers. https://www.facebook.com/naturalhabitatstudios

Okay, and that's quite legitimate. We're not going to like mince over this intro 10,000 times. We're just going to do it. Yeah. Okay. Hello. Sorry. Hello.

Hello. Hello, everyone, and welcome to Death to Everyone. My name is Lazy Susan. And I'm Zelda Moon. And this is a podcast. What is this a podcast about, Zelda Moon? This is the first episode. You know what?

It's the end of the world. It is. It is, every day, for various reasons that we'll get into. And it's our duty, it's our responsibility to handpick the concepts, the people, the objects, the things that should survive the end of the world. Absolutely. We have a bunker, not unlike the Seed Vault in Norway, where they're keeping various types. You looked at me like I'm crazy. Have you not heard of the seed vault?

What is the seed vault? Darling, the seed vault. There's a big vault in Norway where they keep all the seeds of humanity. And it's meant to be like safe from a nuclear attack. Seeds of humanity? Like wheat and tomatoes? Well, yes, they're in there too. Wow.

And people can send in different seeds, and they keep them all in these temperature-controlled... So they'll just accept seed from anyone? Stop sending the Seed Vault, you'll come. Seed Vault? That's what they call me on a Friday night, darling. So you're setting the tone for this which means i guess we're never getting a p-body p-body that's what they call it on a friday night okay now that we've set the fucking tone you do know that this is not a podcast for children.

Truly. Or family members. No, none of your family members, just you, our special listener. Now, like the Norwegian seed bank, which Zelda has just found out about, we, as two intergalactic celestial beings um of great power of great power and wisdom two beautiful uh goddesses must now divine without incredible judgment what gets to survive the coming apocalypse and what gets left out to die. Now, before we get into that, Zelda Moon.

Yeah. This week, how will the world end? Do you feel like you want to exact vengeance on humanity or is it a nicer week? A slow carbon monoxide death or excruciating brimstone death for the world i think after the week that i've had i will if i may blow myself up to gargantuan size and i won't directly destroy the planet but i will flick it from its orbit into another galaxy so you will immediately kill

everyone correct i guess the flick would probably do most most of the damage but i'm very strong and then also would it be one of those flicks for your fingers like ow no no it would be like, you know, how like some influencers will like scrape a thick moisturizer out of a jar with their long talon. I love that. Kind of that kind of vibe, but in a flick form. Like, bye-bye. That sounds like more rage than I was expecting. It's been a week. Go on.

I had a very, very lovely date on Saturday night. Kill everyone. But it was like the first really, really nice date that I've been on in a long time with someone that I was genuinely interested in, have been sleeping with for a while. And we were like, yes, let's go on an actual date. At the end of the day, he was like,

this was just like so nice. And I just want to be really clear with you that I cannot give you what you are looking for. And you took off the veil very slowly. And then you were like, well, unzip me. And then take off the dress. It's like, well, your donation to the seed bank has been appreciated. Now get out.

You say, I am taking out of the seed bank has been appreciated now get out who say i'm taking over the seed bank immediately fucking hell but i feel much better now that was a couple days ago um i pieced it all back together yeah um hi lows i think uh yeah dating, its reputation has never been worse. No one wants to date, particularly in the gay community. Oh God, that's such a cliche. Episode one. Do you know gay guys are not into dating? I deleted field.

Why? That seems like the funniest one. No, it's annoying. No one talks. Like i match with all these people and then it's nothing i went on that one date do you remember when we went to the beast like last year with that kind of like bi guy who like had a kid oh for clarity for those listening at home who don't know what field is oh field is a dating app that is kind of more targeted towards open relationships and just like sex but it is inclusive of straight gay bi everything so say you're like dating and you're

monog with your long-term girlfriend and you're like a bi guy who has long hair and it's in a band and um who is he give me his number and then you're like well let's open things up then you might go on a field to find yes and then a few people sneak past the palace gates and they're like thirsty gay guys like you correct and you're like i'll come for a threesome with you and your girlfriend if she's not there i see you've read my field profile. Peabody, seed bank. Yes, but oh, it's just too much. Yeah.

Just like I had it on, I've just come back from a month overseas and I had it in various cities and it's just like, it's too slow. It's too slow it's too slow uh format yeah like it's yeah well i need the fuse lit under people that they could go to bed with no one if you have a relationship if you have like a comfy alternative like i need that giant gaping sucking void of loneliness to be open so that the like hookup as the night wears on becomes more of a tempting option oh i see we're boring our tech and he's started to watch other content you just yell out when you want to stop and you don't get to hear this amazing conversation about field hmm also what game could that possibly have been it was a cake it was definitely spider-man

he's he's saying move on that's what He's saying, move on. That's what he's saying. Well, that's what the guy said on that date, hey? Wow. Yeah, I need that big sucking void of loneliness to open up. It's the threat, you know, because if someone can just go to bed with their partner, like, you know what I mean? It's not enough. You've got to have abs to get in front of that.

Yeah, you've got to really have a lot going on. They have to really be in a fight or something. That's like field. Strike at a low point. Wait until there's a chink in their armor. Like a crocodile, you know. You're just there, just under the murky surface. And you have to wait until they're right in front of you

and then you can snare them. Absolutely. Yeah. And their bed with partner is like the whole rest of the savannah, you know. But your opportunity is right at the drinking hole. Well, that's why you've got to position yourself at the drinking hole. True. Where do lonely bisexual men hang out?

Please, write in. No. Yeah, no, please do. But anyway, I felt liberated having deleted one of the three apps that I partake in. Just Grindr and Scruff. No one's ever been unhappy on any one of those apps. I would love to make an app that's like a fake app. Like a fake, like it's not connected to the internet.

And it just sends you like positive messages and affirmations. But like from, you know, random hot men. And they're like, you're so sexy. Let's hook up sometime. Yeah. And every day, and maybe it just says- You want to make a chat bot? Yeah.

But like a hundred chat bots that are all just like different kinds. And like, you know, some of them are a bit abusive, just so you know it's real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And some of them are like, I just so you know it's real yeah yeah yeah and some of them are like i'm on meth come over yeah when i was so i've just come back from a like a trip i i went to la new york london paris berlin the first part was all with work and then

germany was just solo and like actual holiday of which I didn't do very much. I just kind of hung out with some friends and it was very nice, but they were like the first hookup that I had was someone came over to the place I was staying during the day. And he kind of, you know how sometimes you realize you've initiated the hookup too quickly and you haven't properly assessed the situation. And like, so he's on the way over and he's like,

I haven't slept since yesterday. It's like, oh, okay. It went in Berlin. Yeah. And then he got there and he was just like a little edgy, relatively normal, but a little edgy relatively normal but a little edgy and then he's like um oh um do you want to like smoke a joint i was like oh yeah sure and then i like went to the lounge room and we like opened the door and we like went and sat on the veranda

and then was this at your friend's house or the accommodation at my friend's house he was at work um and then he was like so do you have a joint i love that no you think that that would be the question do you have a joint yeah we should smoke it not like do you want to drink a beautiful bottle of wine? Do you have one? Yeah. Like, what? It was also, especially in the context of it was my second day in the country. It's like, no.

I mean, to be fair, you were in Berlin, but. Yeah, but weed isn't legal in Berlin. Did you know that? When I was in Berlin, a man rode past me on his bike and he went, want some weed? And he was just a drug dealer cycling around town. Was he hot? I don't recall those details, but we did buy some weed and that was good. Yeah.

Anyway, then I was like, well, no. And he's like, oh, okay. And then he was like, well, I'm feeling a bit anxious. I'm just going to do some G. Can I have a glass of water? I'm feeling a bit anxious. I'm just going to do some G. Can I have a glass of water? I'm feeling a bit anxious. Let me do this very precisely dosed drug that if I take too much, I will die.

Die. Here in your friend's apartment. Yes. And I was like, sure, I'll get you a glass of water. Sure, I'll get you a glass of water. And then he had his little like G dropper and like had a drink of water and then just like dropped G into his mouth straight. Do you know what I think? Now I'm hearing because like G is it comes in like it's like liquid form.

Yes. because like g is it comes in like it's like liquid form yes and it is so potent that you can only have very specific amounts like a set like a mil amounts yes yes and you need to time your dosages because if you take them too close together you can do a thing called g dropping which is where you're like essentially going i think you you go into cardiac arrest or i mean this is probably i'm speaking out of school because i don't know but you basically feigned yeah and um then they need to get the ambulance to come and wake you up but i did underestimate now that you say it it's quite camp like it's quite like potions like it was a bit of a potion the reason that gay men are obsessed with it is it because it's kind of witchy spelly like it's quite like potions it was a bit of a potion the reason that gay men are obsessed with

it is it because it's kind of witchy spelly like it's like take but one drop from the vial and you shall have the best night of your life any drops more and you shall fall to the ground dead like it's very gay like straight men aren't fucking around with that. That's very true. And he pulled out his silver dropper. And he didn't like drop it into the drink and swizzle it, which is a shame. Yeah, because that would have been very. Because that would have been very gay. And then cackles.

Mixing up my potion, my bitter elixir of earthly delights. No, instead he like had a swig and then he just like like squirted the dropper into his mouth which i i don't know i don't know if i've ever seen someone do g before i was like okay well i guess that's how you do it have you done it and then he was like no that was a mint that was peppermint oil for my breath for my anxiety anyway anyway then a couple more minutes passed by this point i'd learned that he was a kindergarten teacher i was like ew what and then he was like look i'm really just like i haven't slept i think i'm just gonna go i was like oh thank god thank God, get out.

But of course what I said was, okay, cool. We'll have, you know, nice to meet you. It would be great to catch up sometime. Unzip me. I'll take off the veil. And then he was like, yeah, I think I'm just going to go on a long walk. This was like in the middle of the day. So he's like just done G and then he's like out into the world to like go on a walk.

It's like, I don't know what that experience is like, but it was haunting. That is haunting. Yeah. Anyway, so I'd flick the world off its axis. Excellent. And into another galaxy? At which point it would be a burning meteor and would kill that galaxy as well. And kill the kindergarten teacher and all his students.

Yes. Okay, good. Hopefully. You know what I would take into the bunker? His dropper. His elixir dropper. I would flush the G out and then I'd just fill it with like... Rosehip oil.

Correct. With like a drop of um blue food dye for mystery how was your week has it um has it um put you closer to the end of the world or do you think we should stick it out a bit longer i normally feel quite nihilistic and not like in a way that i feel worried about like i'm just like well like the world's gonna end that's fine just for context everyone at home that sound you can hear is shell the moon asking me how i am and then immediately taking long swigs of her strawberry McDonald's thick shake spewing it onto

her new overalls she's choking on the elixir she's spat up like a baby she's spat up like a baby. She's sped up like a baby on her baby overalls. She does look like the kindergarten student.

Oh, it's quickly absorbed into her. She pulled out an old handkerchief, and now she's wiping around her muzzle. Why would you make me laugh when I was clearly trying to discreetly enjoy my beverage? Just you being like so lazy how are you I'd been talking for I was parched

finally an opportunity to sip my delicious sweet drink how cruel everything's fine you even made our sound technician stop what he was doing doom scrolling on facebook i'm playing a spider-man arcade game um i am under the but now i feel like I can't drink. Lest I be touched.

And immediately vomit onto yourself. I feel pretty good. I feel optimistic about the world right now. I just quit my job. Yes. I think that that really does help. I do like, if I think about it for too long go into an absolute blind panic um attempt to hook up take g and then walk around the streets

of berlin like a crazy person but um no i feel quite good so i think the the the death of the world that I would like executed is just a nice, like, slowly going to sleep. Like everyone just, you know, they release some sort of calming agent. Kind of like in Firefly, Serenity. Serenity. They release a calming agent to kind of get everyone To chill the fuck out and then it accidentally Sends everyone to an eternal sleep And they put it into the air And everyone dies

But then like everything just goes quiet That's what I like Because I've just been cleaning out my shed And listening to a new Audiobook and Just Just doing my thing And I'm about to go away to darwin so we'll see how that goes yeah yeah yeah not time yet well we'll see we'll see and now my dear sister my

galactic goddess yeah it's time for us to get to the work of hand. First up for eligibility into the bunker, our first topic of discussion, is being submitted by one of our patrons. Yes, we do have a Patreon. If you'd like to submit for consideration into the bunker, please. Yes. A relic of a bygone era. Well, and soon to be an important cornerstone of this podcasting business, our Patreon.

You can find our Discord and submit things for consideration. Here we go. Okay. I think the best suggested so far has been the Beckham children. Which one gets to stay? Okay, let me pull them up because I need to have a look at these children. So I follow one of them. We got Brooklyn Beckham, Romeo James Beckham, Cruz Beckham.

Oh, there's a fourth one. Where's the fourth one? Harper Beckham. Harper. Harper. Okay. A few months before timely not david and victoria became parents for the first time when they welcomed their son brooklyn a few years later they expanded their family with the addition of romeo followed by little brother cruz shortly

after and then in 2011 they welcomed their daughter harper so So Harper's the baby. So here's what I know. Brooklyn is the photographer. Oh. And he gets about. And every few months people post a picture of his photo from Safari where he photographed an elephant and it's entirely in the shadows and people are like, this isn't photography. The fact that he has a photography book and people are like this isn't photography the fact that he has a photography book and i'm like you'll need to go and see some fine art photography because it does not always look like your formal photography where everything is perfectly lit you psychos okay

i say romeo because he's the only one i follow he's the only one that i really have on the radar you know brooklyn is he's an um he is one of these people that is like at he's maxed out for the hotness as far as like he if he was just born into a regular suburban family would be like the most average looking man you've ever seen and yet when you're born into this like massive nepo baby family he instead is like put together you know yeah yeah yeah he's been fed nothing but like private chef food his entire life and has like been styled by you know the best stylist so it's like come together but like then occasionally when they're like paparazzi's light hits him just right you're like oh you're just like a normal looking man and it's weird so romeo is 20 quite cute

very cute and he has epilepsy oh do we need that in the bunker? Epilepsy? Yeah The concepts are contained within the body of Romeo Beckham In Romeo Beckham Are you bringing the medication for the epilepsy into the bunker? Well, I hope he is Your issues don't need to become my issues

I'm just a mere celestial goddess Yeah Okay, well, as long as we're sorting that out to become my issue. I'm just a mere celestial goddess. Yeah. Okay. Well, as long as we're sorting that out. Cruz is 18. He was born in Spain. Oh my God.

Brag. Where were you born? What East Bentley? Spain. East Bentley. I was born in Mornington okay do you know what fuck this i'm saving happily the gal she trains for judo likes horseback riding and playing soccer with her dad she's got perfect hair and she's the only chance we have of a next generation Spice Girls. Hmm.

Where all the daughters of the Spice Girls come together to create a super band. Do you think it's telling that all the children play soccer but none of them sing? Well, they're following after their mother. Okay. Okay, next up, Andreas asks us nepo babies generally. Which nepo baby do you want? And I have only one answer. Can I just say that I don't understand what that means. Do you know what nepotism is? Kind of.

is kind of so nepotism is where you um your family is able to get you a position of power usually within like a corporate space due to their power within that same space so like my dad's a gardener so and i could have worked with him as a gardener so if your dad baby if your dad got you a job in his gardening empire quite high up above your skill level that would be considered an act of nepotism because he's just doing it not based on your ability as a worker but because of your blood relationship to him so a nepo baby family business well that's it so a neo baby. It's a family business. Well, that's it. So a Nepo baby in the acting entertainment industry is someone whose parents are very well connected in the same industry as them. So you're talking about, oh, I don't know her name.

This is perfect. Princess Leia's daughter. Billie Lourd? Correct. Well, Carrie Fisher is also a Nepo baby. Yes. Yeah. So Nepo.

Nepo Nepo? Nepo Nepo. Carrie Fisher might be the best one, but I was thinking about Gwyneth. Oh, true. Gwyneth Paltrow, best Nepo baby ever. Who's her parents? Blythe Danner. Oh.

You pretending to know who B the mom of will in will and grace yeah would she be bringing her goop products we can have a little bit of goop in the bomb shelter although it'll go off real quick yes it will how long does it take for do you know that you told me that oh yeah because it's for context zelda works in an undisclosed cosmetics company yes and we range goop and it doesn't last long. Let me tell you. But that's because it's actually all natural, no? It's a formulation issue because it's also like this whole thing about like, I don't want my formula to have any chemicals in it.

It's like, what do you mean by that? No chemicals to touch my skin. No chemicals. It's like, but yeah, like this like preservative moment of like parabens and blah, blah, blah. It's like, okay, so you want it to last for a month on your shelf and then it starts to fall apart and disintegrate. That argument is true up until a point,

except these things are put in products intentionally for a reason like unless it's filler which those things aren't they're preservatives because you want products to last um and anyway so sometimes then when brands don't do that the product falls apart and that happens quite often in goop i think um the it'd be really good if products could let me know in a more visible way that they were off yeah because i will just keep using them forever i don't really believe that makeup can go off yeah i think i'm just like just keep using it see what happens i mean all makeup like everything has a shelf life in terms of like legally nothing pisses me off than when i turn over the thing and it's like 12 months and i'm like you mean that i was meant to throw this palette away

after 12 it's powder yeah what's it gonna become more powdery powdery? Yeah. It's, yeah. But, you know, I suppose that's just a legal thing. But in the real world, obviously, nobody adheres to that. Yeah. But if you select goop products, it would be great. Like a nice room deodorizer. I think you'll need that in a bunker. You might need Gwyneth to put that in the goop lineup first. Does she not sell that?

A room fragrance? Yeah. I mean, she's got candles. Well, what is a room candle if not a room deodorant? This candle smells like my vagina. Oh, my God. Nothing pissed me off more than the jokes that somehow make it out of the beauty community or like the femme community and into the mainstream.

And then they become the jokes that are like said back to you by like straight men for years, like an uncle, you know what I mean? It's like that story about the candle that smells like your vagina will be the only thing that is said to you by a straight man about Gwyneth Paltrow yeah which is insane it's like when like men all decided to make the same joke about Sarah Jessica Parker looking like a horse yes and it's like you can talk about anything

to do with sex in the city and they'll be like is that that that girl that looks like a horse and shut up yeah yeah it's awful when they get just one joke yeah i blame family guy oh true seth he's not for me seth mcfarlane yeah into the bin oh he's not in the bunker let me tell you let's say it here now seth mcfarlane not in the We're meant to say it at the same time. Not in the bunker. Oh, did you want me to match your inflection? Yeah, let's give it one more try. Not in the bunker. You kind of nailed it.

I think that that's it. That was the take. Yeah. That's how I'll say it from now on. Not in the bunker. Well, That's how I'll say it from now on. Well, I'm holding you to it. Did you? You did.

We saw it together. Did you see the trailer for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Yeah. Interesting. The fact that Sony animation is like full in on the Spider-Verse aesthetic. Yeah. I just think it's so depressing when someone does something new and the lesson that's taken away from it is like let's do the exact same thing and you're like yes everyone was excited because it was different from a pixar film

and now you're like doing the exact same thing yes it's like it's very strange like i was watching i've been watching a lot of um wood carving youtube at the moment um and it's so like huge channels like millions of views will find concepts and ideas that other huge channels have done like this dude who like makes a table and then it's got like a crocodile coming, swimming through it. You know, back to the crocodiles again. I watch a lot of crocodile content as well. She's not lying as well. But then like this guy is like, well, I'm going to do it too.

Because that one got 25 million views and they say it in the video. I just like. People suck. It sucks. What about doing it because you want to do it, as in your original ideas? Like this amazingly original idea of a podcast. Oh, well. Okay.

What am I meant to do? Never do anything again? Yes, because everyone else is breathing. Should I stop doing that? You know what, Lazy? This attitude? Not in the bunker. Wait, wait. Say it properly. Sorry.

This attitude? Not in the bunker. That's like when Bag of Chips says, much better. Oh, wow. Yeah. Thanks for that. that can i say i went to sydney drag expo because i'm a drag queen drag queen yeah i was actually in the booth too across from bag of chips oh who i always thought was based on the show tiny a bit well that too but also a absolute fucking loose unit.

She's not. She's kind of got it together in a way that she was wandering through the crowds being like, hey, hi. But she was remembering people's names and remembering. And I'm like, if I ever become a famous drag queen, you best fucking believe I will not remember your name. Like, I don't even, yeah. Yeah.

I don't care about your fucking name. When I was in Berlin with my friend, we went, help. We went out to a bar one night. We were sitting out the front and then these two gay guys were like sitting next to us and my friend michael didn't have a lighter so he asked them for a lighter and then we were chit-chatting and blah blah blah and when we all introduced ourselves i was instantly like

i'm not going to carry this conversation i'm going to say next to nothing in this conversation my power in this conversation will be reminding these like two demon twinks names. And when the time's right, I'll drop it and win. And let me tell you, that is exactly what happened because like half an hour in later, I was like,

Felix, do you want another drink? And everyone was like, cause I was the only one there who knew anyone's name. It was so hot also like are you um a sociopath i shan't be speaking but when the time strikes i shall say your names and no i will be god well i'm turned away or surprised by this It is weirdly affirming when someone says your name But I do not have that ability for other people It's hard

Yeah, when I left my job There were people like It's been so amazing working with you over the last three years And I was like, goodbye Friend You No, I call you the most special name of all co-worker what i just because it's it to me it just doesn't matter yeah what who cares you got a name guess Guess what everyone does? Get over yourself. What is it?

Trish? I don't know. Yeah. Grace? Unless it's Bridget Pringle. I'm not really interested. Give me a name I can remember, darling. Let's see.

When you do hear a good name, it does restore your faith. Yes. But it's funny because we both have an affection for high school names which are just like weirdly names that people had in high school but obviously it's just their real name but it's a very high school genre name jared lansdale oh so dale crouch oh oh but um i do brady delaney brady Delaney are you hearing this but I think that that's where I used up all my name slots and the name slots

are full and for someone new to get a name slot they either have to have the same exact name as someone else or I have to delete an old

name slot yep can I say another from high school you're allowed Adriana Falconeri Adriana Falconeri. Adriana Falconeri, you're coming in the bunker, darling.

She is. She was hot. I liked her. I think we had one conversation and she didn't like me very much. You waited half an hour before speaking and then you said, can I get you a drink, Adriana Falconeri? Falconeri. What was our second topic? On Nepo Baby.

What was our second topic? On Nepo Baby. Gwyneth is going in the dumpster. Or do you want Carrie Fisher? I mean, I want Carrie Fisher. I do think Carrie Fisher actually deserves. I like Gwyneth. I like them both.

You know what? They can both come. Generous. There's room. Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but who's going to drag the corpse of Carrie Fisher into the bunker? Do you think she was cremated? Do you think?

No. Gwyneth can come if she's willing to carry Carrie Fisher's bones in a sack that says Carrie. I think we put the skeleton of carrie fisher together and then we handcuff it to quinn and she has to walk around the bunker if you want to survive the end of the world it's on this condition doing bits with like i sat down on my pod recently with the skeleton of carrie fisher it's like you also have to put her on the next newsletter i love i listen to the the group podcast i really love the group podcast it's so fucked um but i also love the weeks where gwyneth actually does the podcast because most of the weeks she's like at the start of the episode she's like I'm so excited to talk to my amazing friend scientist Davina DeCampo

um she um we sat down and we had a conversation with um one of our amazing uh goop co-founders blah blah blah and then just immediately like hand balls it over but they know that Gwyneth has to be at the start of the episode or people won't take it seriously and then this other woman is like yep so here it is me again taking over for Gwyn she's off skiing down mountains and here I am Oh that one dollar lawsuit is so hot Incredible Fuck me Nothing gets the public on side I wish you well

Like a one dollar lawsuit I just remembered what I was talking about Bag of chips What I was going to say was Every single person she spoke to She'd be like Sorry what's your name darling They'd be like

Sarah And she'd be like Sarah is much better and i was like no stop it was like the most i'm at a convention thing where it's like uh you know whatever like live long and prosper like sitting at your table signing 10 000 autographs to people and she would just like say it at the drop of a hat and like it was almost to the point where it's like you you don't like have to say that because and she was like this role much better and you're like oh baggers stop oh my god yeah it was it was a lot it was it's like imagine what do you think your your drag race catchphrase will be?

Just spitting up a small amount of milk onto your breast And I walk around the convention Excuse me darling, what was your name? Catherine Graham, Graham's my assistant Graham, can you bring me some more milk? My supply is running low Sorry, your name was Graham, was it? You remember like on the show?

Rue loved it No, I don't think I'm particularly catchphraseable. I don't think any of these people walk onto the show thinking that they're going to have a catchphrase. Except for soak it up. Yeah, Monet exchange. Fucking hell. Yeah. And that runs on that segment.

So on this segment, Gwyneth is going into the bunker. Romeo is going into the bunker. On the condition there is a skeleton of Carrie Fisher. It's handcuffed to Gwyneth. Or at the Natural History Museum in London, they have a blue whale skeleton. That is quite profoundly incredible When you walk into the foyer

And it is strung up along the roof Could we not do that with Carrie's remains To decorate the bunker Do you know that in Wonthaggi They have the jawbones of a whale out front of the pub I didn't know that in Wonthaggie they have the jawbones of a whale out front of the pub? I didn't know that. And you can walk through it. It makes quite a one-story high archway.

That's cool. I'll take you to see it sometime. Next time we're in the neighborhood of Wonthaggie. Yeah. I think it's called Whale Mouth Pub. Or something like that. Are they real? Yeah.

Washed up on the shore after a whale was harpooned by the pub owner well zelda if you're if you're willing to bring the wire you can string carrie fisher's corpse up on the ceiling of the bunker however i have just received a phone call from my assistant, Jared. What was his name? What was your name, Jared? I can't even remember the name of the fake people that I invented. All the names, lots of fools. Adrian of Elkeneary. Yeah, I've just been informed the ceilings of the bunker are incredibly low so

we will string the corpse of carrie fisher up on the ceiling however people will need to crouch and do a little walk to get to the bathrooms beneath the corpse of car Fisher, which is, of course, still handcuffed. And I'm just imagining Billy Lord getting caught in the skeleton and crushing down on her head. Are we having Billy Lord? Yeah, she's going too So that's three Three nebo babies are getting in Oh

Fine Billy Lord can come But we've got to find another reason for her to come You know what? Is she good? I don't know I don't know Is she good or is she bored?

Because she wasn't She wasn't good on American Horror Story, we Sorry? Sorry? She wasn't good on American Horror Story, wee. Sorry? Stop, wee. I'm just trying to watch American Horror Story. She was a ghost. She was not good on the story.

Stop, wee. She was fine. She was not. And then on Star Wars. Don't worry. She was fine. She was not. And then on Star Wars, she wasn't. And on my favorite shows, Star Wars. She wasn't good. She was just there. Isn't she literally just in the background? She has a few lines.

They're coming up there. Starfleet Cruiser 5. Is that what she said? Starfleet is Star 5 Is that what she said? Starfleet is Star Trek You whore They can't have Starfleet in the massive Extended universe of Star Wars What did she say? Give me an approximation

Oh it's very much that It's very much that The screen says there's five quasars Heading this way Zap zap It's very much that. The screen says there's five quasars heading this way. Zap zap. It's a trap. You know, something like that. Welcome, listener, to the next segment.

Our segment is, what sex position is coming into the bunker? Is it? Yeah. All right. Zelda Moon. Yeah. International Space Priestess. Yes.

What sex position is coming? And we shall forbade any other types in the bunker. I think the best, if we're talking about gay sex, isn't that gay men sex? As I so often refer to it as. It has to just be doggy. Doggy style. One person on all fours. The other person on their knees behind.

Maybe standing at the end of the bed. You think there's going to be beds in the bunker ambitious we haven't gotten to the furniture round on the uh small low bench is the best yes it is the default perhaps but it's also the best but do you know that's where porn has ruined the lives of everyone yes because what's this facing each other thing oh i don't need to look into your eyes darling it just like that you have kind of a good balance of control as well. Like the bottom can pull away if they need to. The top can pull away. They can both push into it more. You can leave without them noticing for four to five seconds,

giving you a head start. I think that is correct. Yeah. I unabashedly, wholeheartedly agree. And let me just say that all of this other kooky, banooky stuff and also the need to cycle through 10 of these is insane. Yeah. If you were out there in the boudoir, welcome to the boudoir,

which is what I say when someone comes into my room if you're in my boudoir and someone's trying on 10 different things it's not happening it's just crazy that's porn don't be horny what's annoying like i had a hookup on sunday and it was very this vibe of like many positions and stuff. And he just like, it's like if you just concede to doggy style, it's also a position where you don't have to be super hard to be able to get it in. But like, you know, he wanted to do like every other position, which all require you to be super hard because of angles and stuff. Otherwise you don't have the pressure of thrust to get you in there,

which is fine. But like, if they are continually failing because you're a methie, then just do doggy. Also, it's like, so frustrating. It's like, you're in methie, then just do doggy. Also, it's like. It's so frustrating. It's like you're in this experience as well. How do you not know how annoying it is?

I think that there's like a internalized expectation to make it. And like nothing against having like iterations in the session. However, it is just like, let's just figure out like particularly for a first time with two people who have never had sex before coming together to in one unholy union come together then just sort it out baseline we don't need to do it all today we can come back for another time but the people that are like we need to do it all today. We can come back for another time. But the people that are like, we need to do it all right now. And it's like, are you just doing this with everyone? Is this like every single time you have sex,

you're doing the full fucking Cirque du Soleil experience? Because I don't understand. No. It doesn't seem to be bringing you joy. No. Doggy. In the bunker. Doggy.

And you know what else is left out in the cold? 69 We've discussed this a lot But 69 can fuck off 69 is It's annoying It's stupid 69 where you're eating their ass

And they're sucking your dick Which isn't a true 69 what do you call 83 that's better position wise how are you doing that how short is the person i'm very tall everyone is shorter than me you're like where you're licking their knee and they are sucking your dick in the 173 position that's good but no like 69 it's like because their dick has to be so flexed back into your throat that it's like yes coughing out small amounts of milk i get it yeah it's just annoying okay well there's no more no more reasoning required here we've sorted that one out I get it. Yeah. It's just annoying. Okay. Well, there's no more reasoning required here.

We've sorted that one out. Yeah. 69. Who begs to differ? Tell us in the Discord. So, in this category, my galactic sister. Yes. We are to discuss the menu of McDonald's. And we can each pick one thing.

Oh, you're generous. And this is all they'll eat in the bunker. Well, you think I'm sharing my choice with you. You're like, it's just one of this thing. Okay, McDonald's. I'm going to look at the Australian menu. Don't pretend like you don't know that menu.

Oh. You know what? I think you would just bring the barbecue sauce. I love the barbecue sauce. That's why they forget about it. Do you know the McFeast is back at McDonald's? What's McFeast? Well, darling, I'm about to tell you. I wish you would.

Ew, I hate this website. Who goes on the McDonald's website? You can redeem a range of rewards once you've earned enough points and redeem multiple in the same transaction. I currently have 2,500 points. What? Sight unseen. Which is any size of McCafe beverages.

Oh. You've been eventy. Ooh, I might get this app. No, I'm never going to go here. I've never been to McDonald's before in my life. Oh, my God. Oh, our menu. Here we go.

Okay. Okay. Okay, so McDonald's, notorious. I am a pescatarian. Yes. Meaning I am an pescatarian. Yes. Meaning I am an annoying version of. A vegetarian. Vegetarian and of a meat eater.

Yeah. I'm annoying in all directions. Yes. McDonald's sucks because they do not have good vegetarian options. Correct. And they did trial out. That McClant. Yeah.

But I feel like we've had that over the years. Like we get it every now and then. They likePlant? Yeah. But I feel like we've had that over the years. Like we get it every now and then. They like to tease. Yeah. However, Hungry Jacks is over here. Burger King, to our international folks, is the best. And they have amazing vegetarian options. They do a good job. Okay, Chicken Deluxe? No. McSpicy? No. Double McSpicy?

No. Cheese and Bacon McSpicy? No. McChicken? no. Cheese and bacon McSpicy, no. McChicken, no. Chicken and cheese, absolutely not. Filet-O-Fish. What is it like? It's fucking awful and amazing at the same time.

It's terrible. Is it just a piece of lettuce, the fish and cheese? Tartar sauce? There's no lettuce on this. Actually, I think they're shredded. Let's find out Dive in and enjoy our filet of fish Sauced for its succulent and fresh flavour We cook tender portions of fish

And enhance their great taste With zesty tata sauce and cheese So there's only the bun Then a portion of fish, AKA no discernible fish I've ever seen. Which fish? It's just like ground up fish parts. Yeah.

But then with a crumb coating, fried, dried and rehydrated, I guess. And then the Tata sauce, which they are liberal with. They know that they're like giving you shit yeah and then they put the american cheese on it's good late at night but with a bit of barbecue

sauce i order an extra one i tell you right now she's bringing barbecue sauce well now what do you think about i think we could have a whole episode dedicated to the rise of aioli and the decline of tata sauce oh is there a difference yes what tata has the pickle in it yeah and tata is like thinner and like i like tata but i certainly feel like in the 90s it was Tata. That was the good girl. That was the white sauce of choice. And now it's aioli. I don't want to get too like Jerry Seinfeld on this podcast, but it is like insane that we do not get any sauce with chips now at the pub. That's crazy.

Have you noticed this? No. Okay, so you order a parmigiana. Yeah. Eggplant parma. Parma. Which comes with a side of fries. Yeah.

You just order it offhand. Great. The waiter, God willing they exist, or the barkeep will say, Thank you so much. Have a nice day. You'll pay your fee and then you'll leave. You know, at no point during that transaction will they inform you that their pub has decided to no longer serve a complimentary side

of tomato sauce with chips. And then when it shows up, you're now caught in the secondary transaction where you have to be so rude and ask for another tomato sauce let me tell you when this happened recently at a pub in melbourne the quote-unquote most livable city in the world fucking lie i said to this person i said hey um can i get some tomato sauce thinking it was the usual routine where they have to now scurry back in their busy shift. Get me a little fucking ramekin of sauce because no one told me at the start. Will you be liking the sauce dry as a witch's tit?

Or would you like them with a nice complimentary side of the thing that comes with every fucking thing of chips ever? And then she was like, yes, but you'll have to come back up to the front and pay the $1.50 fee for the sauce that was not offered to you. Why are we keeping this under lock and key? Oh. Why? I think it's because as more like burger joints opened,

they have 10 sauces. Yeah. And additional sauce is an additional fee. I will absolutely, I would happily, I wouldn't even think about it. And do you know what? I love the advent of additional sauces because I love sauces. Tell me about your delicious mango chutney. Tell me about it.

I would love to hear. I'll pay $3. Yeah. I'd pay three. Yeah. I wish you had an array of sources. I wish you had a monthly special source. Mm-hmm.

But if you are telling him about it when the meal arrives, these dry, sad-looking fucking chips. Yeah. Abso-fucking-lutely not. You can get fucked. And you should be ashamed, and you should bring me a ramekin of sauce for free for the indignity of it.

Are you going to go back and send her a link to this podcast? She knows. I think it's kind of like when you go to a Italian restaurant and they ask if you want pepper. And they just bring it over. And they just. I love that. And when they bring over the parmesan.

Yes. Especially when you've ordered like a carbonara or something. And they don't shame you. And they're like, you want parmesan, right? You're like, of course. And I just leave it here. I'll screw off the top so I'm not bothered by the little holes in top. I like it when they grade it for you and you're like, oh, it's like very dumb sub.

More. More. Do with your little pig. More. Yeah. i love that oh but that's that's condiments done right well it's like you are not spending the money you're making on that condiment is not worth the shaming public shaming on a podcast of this magnitude. Because that waitress... Oh my, I don't know if that's going to be a thing. As if we're trying to make it a thing. No, Zelda, you say it.

Say Zelda for me. That waitress... See, you didn't think you were quotable. But now at all the death to everyone con, they're going to be like, say the line. Everyone's going to walk past me and go, Hey, if you see Zelda in the wild after listening to this, can you please do me a favor of saying,

Please know that I will push you in front of a moving vehicle um or myself um i the only thing there is that like do you remember going to like bimbos or like lucky cock back in the day and like getting like a four dollar pizza and like there was just always 10 000 things of chili oil everywhere yeah and you were just yeah they don't have that no but like why isn't that everywhere oh yeah yeah it's sick but when you go to a nice like cheap and nasty like vietnamese restaurant or something like every table is stacked with sauces sauces With a sauce. Sauces, chili, chili oil, dry chili, soy sauce, vinegar. And pub owners of Australia, you should know,

just include it in the cost of the chip. If you're that worried about making money off me, just add $1.50 on top and I probably won't think about it. But making this forced interaction with your poor waitstaff is just stupid and it's greedy and it's not what we stand for. But making this forced interaction with your poor waitstaff is just stupid. And it's greedy. And it's not what we stand for. You're sick.

You're sick. Okay. Oh, you can get grape tomatoes. Enjoy a delicious snack with our juicy 100% Aussie grape tomatoes. Grape, like cherry tomatoes. Yeah. You can buy a punnet of cherry tomatoes. I believe so.

McDonald's, what's happening here? What's happening? I just think it's like at this point, take McCafe and like send it off elsewhere. Why are you running two businesses simultaneously and pretending that one is like nice and one? It's like we can see that you're you're the same business but they're like come over to the luxurious side where you'll be treated to amazing fresh cappuccino and macarons and then they're like would you like your slop in the bag

best like i'm like i can see it's the same 16 year old yeah either side of the bed at one point he's in front of a counter and one point is front of a glass cabinet. Do you remember when Oprah came to Australia and she was obsessed with McCafe? She was like, this is the fucking best thing I've ever seen. I don't think she said that. You know what, Lacey? I'm going to say it here now. Oprah didn't say it.

It's the best fucking thing I've ever seen. Oprah, your mic's on. You're drooling into the microphone. What? It's the best fucking thing I've ever seen. Well, now who's choking on milk, dear? Oprah. She's going to sue because you stole her beard.

Oprah. Strange. You heard it here first, folks. We'll come back to Oprah in the future. Put a pin in Oprah. Don't put a pin in her. She'll sue. Okay. Put a pin in Oprah. Don't put a pin in her. She'll sue. Okay.

McDonald's. McDonald's. What are you bringing? Because I've got my answer. Oh, go on. I've had it from the get-go. Go on. No, you go first.

I know what it's going to be. Yeah. I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed. To be seen and known in my truth. Yes. With. As I. Well, I'm not going to be seen and known in my truth. Yes, with. As I, well, I'm not going in the bunker.

But I'll send it in as a treat for Carrie's bones. You'd be like, this is my favorite things of the year. The bones of Carrie Fisher and a strawberry thick shake. Billy Lord getting after her her Dance for your mother Yeah Billy Lord's only allowed In the bunker You know how we

I said we were gonna Come back to her She's only allowed In the bunker Number one She has to Fight to the death With Romeo

Okay Romeo Bitter Wait what's her name Beckham Beckham Because her name Is not Victoria Bitter It was in Melbourne Drake Queen Called Victoria Bitter bitter wait what's her name beckham beckham because her name is not victoria it's a melbourne drag queen called victoria bitter she's amazing so the only one of them is going in yeah i'm not having two nepo babies like the children oh yeah

so lord if you do get in i hope you do you have to animate the puppet of your mother every night for a show for everyone in the bunker. Or Romeo has to do it and it's a bit insensitive because it's not his mum. Anyway, sorry. Well, his mother is a walking skeleton, so. Oh, Zelda with the 1998 hot take. I just meant she was dry like a reanimated corpse.

Can you please tell the audience at home what they're going to be getting in there? Zelda's favourite thing in the bunker? A large strawberry thick shake. Which Zelda Moon famously vomited on herself about 20 minutes ago. There's one sitting right in front of you. And when we got

the large strawberry thick shake at the drive-thru, can you tell me what your first action was and your first saying? Well, I could see the cup was not filled. Judging by the way you were holding it like a Gilmore Girls.

You're just lightly moving it around. Well, I mean, the surface area was not to the brim. And that was evident through the transparent lid it's a semi opaque lid yes where you can tell whether there's um a sweet strawberry drink kissing the lip i wanted to caress the top so when i imprint the little toggles it dips into the thick shake not possible because it was about an inch of air. And I opened it and I said, could they fill it up? You didn't say, could they fill it up?

You leaned forward and looked down into the window and said, could you girls fill this up for me? I said it softly as a joke to my friend. Like Oprah when she first saw the McCafe. You fell for me. Yes. But you said large and they said medium. Correct.

And you know what? I'll take the note. Okay. I'm going to say large fries. And if I can have it, a barbecue sauce. If I can't, I'll get over it. Okay. But it does need it a barbecue sauce if i can't i'll get over it okay but it does need to be barbecue sauce yes none of these other sauces can do it no and also weird that the ketchup lives in a different house than the rest of the sauces yes a sachet a sachet also because sauce like tomato sauce often comes in more of a packet form.

Well, that's an Australian invention. Is it? Did you know? No. This is the squeezy sauce. Do they have it internationally? I believe so, but it's not as prevalent. It's all about the little pot.

Little pot. Squeezy is so much more chic. Because I think a lot of our canteen meals are handheld. A succulent canteen meal? Like a pie or sausage roll. And so you're not dipping those. No, you do need to squeeze it. Yeah. That's so interesting.

Maybe other meals where they're dipping a pot would be more appropriate. I don't know. So many musings. Well, here's the thing. Why is the ketchup in the sachet? Yeah. If that's the case. If you're so obsessed with dipping, you're not dipping into a little sleeping bag of fucking ketchup.

You sick fucks. Sliding a fry all the way in and all the way out. Coming up next, we slide a single fry into a pitched open pillow of ketchup. So can I bring the barbecue sauce? I think so. I'm feeling kind. Okay. The people in the bunker can have large fries. You know what?

If I can have a large thick shake and not just a regular. Let's hope that those girls aren't starving the bunker. They're not in the bunker. Those girls? Yuck! Stop making me do that. Ew.

I can't believe we already have our first piece of merch. Oh, yuck. It's your face and then it's a speech bubble that says, but like in a really rough font, like Salad Fingers font. You know what? Salad Fingers is in the bunker, but Burnt Face Man is in the bunker. I just, I want to attract a young viewership. I'm not referencing fucking Burnt Face Man on this fucking podcast.

We're putting that in the episode title. How dare you? Oh, God. I'm not gay. Get out. Oh, my God. I'm not gay. Get out. Oh, my God. Have you ever woken up from a nightmare and realized you're still in the nightmare? That's the feeling I have right now.

I've literally sat and watched you exorcist on that couch. And then you get up and make it somehow worse. I'm horrified to be here, to have my name. Those were so funny. Can you tell me, please? Yeah. You were on a tip. You were saying, if I can have my large strawberry thick shake.

Oh, yes. In a large size. That's my treat. It's your treat. Then you can have sauce as your treat to the fries. Excellent. A condiment does to the fries. Excellent. A condiment does complete the meal. Yes.

Perfect. You know what? I don't want to want for anything in the bunker. That's why we're being so particular. That's right. No cherry tomatoes, though. Shut it down. Oh.

Absolutely not. Well, we'll get to that when we get to the vegetable episode. Well, we had it on the menu for McDonald's. If they're saying no to cherry tomatoes now, they're not coming in the manga. Yeah, but if cherry tomatoes are up against cucumbers, you best believe I'm picking cherry tomatoes. I'm not putting cherry tomatoes in my gin. I do think that that about rounds it out for this very first episode.

Yeah. I think we're going to cut a lot of it. Oh, yes. But everything you heard just then, that was thick. That was the good stuff. The gold that we couldn't leave behind. So for another week, please enjoy yourselves. Get ready for impending doom.

Yes. Do your best to impress us. And we'll be back to decide who's going in the bunker and who is the podcast is it called what stay in the bunker the podcast is called death to everyone and until then it's high time okay let's say that then okay wait wait we and say uh until wait and just And just Lacey appears to be having a stroke And Death to everyone That was pretty good

I don't know what's the tone If you'd like to follow us you can find us on Patreon Please subscribe for some extra little Fun tidbits And yeah And you'll also be able to throw in some suggestions For things you'd like appraised before the imminent apocalypse. Yes.

Do you know what I want? Yeah. Do you know what I want? What I really, really want? No, just stop. Shut up. I'd like, okay, this is my dream. On the Patreon, on the Discord, could you send in a description of yourself,

basic facts, and we will decide whether you're in the bunker. I feel like this has been a very soft first episode. We'll get much crueler as time goes on. Yeah. This was the kindest that it's going to be. Truly. Yeah.

So send us a brief description of you, just a little bit about yourself, basic details, and then we will decide live on air whether you get to come into the bunker or not. Yes. Which might be a bunker some weeks. It might be a floating comet

that preserves all human life. Yes. A museum. Yeah. Might be a UFO. It might be a spaceship that will actually launch into the sun. So you think it's being rescued, but really only for a few hours. I feel like you're the Rorschach test.

And I can see a crazy, crazy old woman. Or a crazy girl. No, but if you have joined us for the first episode, the pod will evolve and we'd love you to evolve with us. And remember to rate, review and subscribe on wherever you're listening to. I think it's iTunes that's actually helpful. Well, iTunes. That's where it's actually helpful.

We want to get them to the top of the comedy podcast ratings. We're a comedy podcast. Well, say something funny and maybe we might be. We are comedy award winners. We are interactive award winners. Okay. Goodbye. Thanks for listening everyone

bye bye Thank you.