Distractible - Bits That Didn't Fits [Bonus Episode]

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

It's time to finally open up the Distractible Vault, and take a peak at some unused bits that never saw the light of day... until now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh. But let's say that...

FedEx. What a... FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. Katie something something Katie

you're the only girl that I adore when the moon shines what did you say waitie beautiful waitie

I woke up in a puddle of baby pee this morning which was not my favorite but apparently he drank a lot

of water yesterday very pee pee this morning i thought baby slept in cribs is a baby sleeping with you or did baby like launch some urine across the room and lay it right in your bed so he does not like sleeping in his crib by himself so i i sleep next to him in a bed a lot you split it up like half the nights he sleeps in bed with you and half the nights you sleep in the crib with him. No, he always has to come to my place. Okay. Very interesting lives that we're leading. Oh, I could talk more about my garage organization exploits. I do like that.

I'm very interested about that. I didn't even find it. Mandy found this. So I have two sets of wheels for my car, right? You got summer tires and summer wheels and winter tires and winter wheels. So I only have one of them on my car at a time. And the other ones are just sitting on the garage floor, taking up space. We were at the store yesterday, no, two days ago, and Mandy found this thing. Just, we were looking around and it's a, it's a tire storage rack.

He put them up on the wall. It stores four tires, which is how many I have to store. So I'm going to get the ladder out. I'm going to get the level, the carpenter's pencil, tape measure, probably some drills, drill bits, all kinds all kinds of stuff it's gonna be a whole party that sounds super interesting don't mind me typing something else so you like uh cars you're a car guy i like seasons i'm a season guy i prefer the fall i guess i'm just a fall guy i thought you were a boat guy i i totally see the joke that you just set up and delivered on. Thank you. I couldn't get past the fact that you're definitely a boat guy, if you're an anything guy.

You know, I don't know how long it's been since I've been on a boat. I love boats. But it's been years since I've been on a boat. I almost sunk the last boat I was on. Huh? Intentionally? No. I was captaining the boat.

And it turns out pontoon boats don't handle very well in extremely high winds and rough lake waves. I think I told this story. It was after it was like last summer. This happened. But yeah, not my favorite. I still have nightmares about being sitting on the boat and seeing the water come over the bow of the boat and being like, oh, I killed all these people.

I don't know how bad it was but sometimes being on a pontoon it's fun to hit big waves the wrong way where the water comes over and drowns everyone we used to do that intentionally this was not fun this was not fun i'm gonna cut that off bad kind of waves uh do we want to like backtrack a bit and maybe like redo all that or did we just admit to some horrible crimes no they all survived it's fine actually but uh i almost sank it what crime wait what crime do you think i admitted to oh you just said killed a bunch of people i heard those words i did say those words except the context clues surrounding them may have given them a little additional meaning mark i kind of focused i hyper focused in on the drowning aspect of things never have i killed a bunch of people you killed

a bunch of people i just killed a bunch of people! I just drowned a bunch of people. I'm pretty sure if Sam played it back, it would be drowning a bunch of people I heard. Yeah, no, Sam, play that clip where I say I drowned a bunch of people. Oh, I killed all these people. You caught me, Mark. Pontoons are fun! Alright, so any other murders we want to admit to here? It's an

open forum. I watched Wade kill a hooker in Reno just for fun once. Okay, cool. Tell me about that wade it's really your story all right wait go for it it was a crisp autumn day her lips were redders and the bluest moon what colors got it okay so you saw her lips she transformed into the moon and your murderous instinct took over uh bro i hate when my girlfriend turns into the moon and your murderous instinct took over. Bro, I hate when my girlfriend turns into the moon. Do we have a depository of all the old ads? I hope so.

Okay, because if we do, what if, what if, I know people have been asking for this for a while. What if we do it again? This is actually asking the audience out here. So on Reddit, tell us if we were to package them up into like many compilations because there's a lot of them right there's actually hours of content of us goofing about ads if we could distractible thrills and shills bonus episode thrills and chills that's actually a really good name for it that's great do we actually have them somewhere well that's the thing i don't know how much we have because we started saving them after a certain point and i think that there was a record of them up to a

certain point uh we should at least look into it if we could find it and we could compile some of the best moment and maybe even find some of the deleted moments that won't uh incriminate you guys uh not me i'm innocent completely and utterly if there could be something there that we could salvage if you guys would like to see that in like a bonus episode, let us know. On the subreddit. Reddit.com slash r slash distractible. That's D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E. I still can't tell if you spelled it right or not because now I don't know if I know how to spell it right anymore. I did. I did. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda.

It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2.

See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with tech pack at 3.49 apr for 72 months with down payment that's just 267 bi-weekly cash value of 40 294 plus eligible ford owners get a thousand dollar bonus for details visit your local ford store or ford.ca what's your zombie apocalypse plan where are we going where are we meeting are we meeting at the winchester what's the plan i've said this a thousand times i'm dead like there's no way right now or then it doesn't even matter if it's like the slow shambling zombies or if it's like the fast zombies i know then i'm just dead i've got my boar spear and like i'll spear a couple zombies but then blood's gonna splash on my face and i'm gonna be infected immediately i'm dead i've got

this elmo doll you think it'll help that really just stays on your desk a hundred percent of the Blood's going to splash on my face and I'm going to be infected immediately. I'm dead. I've got this Elmo doll. You think it'll help me? That really just stays on your desk 100% of the time, huh? That's really hard to get in the shot. That's huge. It's a mark and a half. I think it's like three foot two. No, it's the real deal.

So it'll allow me to get some range but i don't think it matters in the long run uh because once they get in number there's gonna be blood on me and i don't think that there's any uh resistance to this if it's a true zombie apocalypse i'm not taking the the sheath off because this thing is unbelievably sharp well then you can take on a horde you just have to make sure you unlock pierce abilities as you level up unlock pierce what are you what yeah maybe like an aoe thunder explosion or something wade has been playing diablo or something well wade's dead then apparently yeah wait how are you surviving the zombie apocalypse are you gonna do magic i'm not either and my reason isn't the zombies you know i could probably fight off some zombies

but how will i eat what I want to eat? Do I want to live in a world where it's hard to get access to food? Wade gets to the survival camp and sits down and some guy's like, here's a can of beans. Can of Navy beans. This is what we got. And Wade's like, do you have any steak? Do you guys serve chicken wings here? I was looking at the menu uh we have beans old raviolis and squirrel question mark now i was hoping for more like a filet some potatoes

asparagus broccoli that kind of thing uh where's that at when wade gets to the survival kit they have nothing except the most delicious high-end tacos ever seen in ways like fuck this i'm i'm leaving i'm walking into the horde of zombies enjoying them hit me with the bar spear mark you promised if they had tacos you said you'd do it i don't remember ever saying that nor would i ever promise that i'm putting words in your mouth kill me uh if you had a time machine when and where would you go could i continuously go back to the night before and just sleep again would i accumulate sleep if i did that so i could sleep for like three nights in a row but for me that's you know that would be like nine hours of sleep do you want to tell

you could go anywhere anytime where would you go last night bedtime i got a narrow view right now okay we got life life is a struggle when you have a new baby and uh i i could the thing i really could use is a lot more sleep some of the time and i'm just i if i could do that that'd be very convenient i might go other places but i'm just i would start with a good you know strong 18 plus hours of sleep i'm just saying i'm sensing a theme here as far as i go there was a really nice restaurant that was like a date night restaurant in cincinnati called grand finale and i liked their ginger chicken and bread but they're gone so i'd go back to when they're not too busy but they're open so i could go and eat a really good dinner listen the grand finale was a good restaurant they had good desserts

crepes and they had such good their bread man oh god i ate so much of their bread if you're gonna mock me for getting sleep at least mine is worthwhile how dare you i'm sure there's other good food in cincinnati how dare you i mean we probably should have gone back and like saved lincoln or done something like that but like this is my time machine and i want brunch bob wants sleep and i want if i have a machine, I'm not going back for shit. I don't want a butterfly effect of whatever. You save Lincoln and then you come back to modern times and we're all speaking Spanish or something because something crazy thing happened and-

I like Spanish. I mean, Spanish is fine, but like- I can go back and be on a boat. Maybe I'd go back in time to be on a boat. There are boats now. You know what? I heard of one that would be really cool. It's the best boat they ever made.

You should go back and ride on the Titanic. That's a good boat. I heard that's the best boat. Unsinkable, they said. Dude, I could totally go around to like different passages and be like, spoiler alert, but guess what's coming? You wouldn't save it? You wouldn't do anything to avert the crisis?

I would get on the boat first. We've been through what I would do on the... If I had one of the emergency boats, I'd be on that the whole time. They'd be like, what are you doing? I'd be like, oh, just pretending. They recently recovered a watertight container from the wreckage of the Titanic containing journals from a family, a wealthy family that was on board. The journals are filled with accounts of a crazy man everyone called Wade running around the boat screaming,

Where's Leonardo DiCaprio? Where's Leo? Get more doors! Rip these doors down! When do we get to the part with the string quartet playing? I love that song! If your bedsheets had to be made of deli meats, which meat would you want them to be made of? I think it's important to say off the go, it's not deli meat, made of deli meats which meat would you want them to be made of i think it's important to say off the go it's not deli meat it's deli meats so i feel like you have to

pick at least two varieties also i have this one ready to rip uh it would be um a nice kato salami and then a mortadel you put the mortadel as like the top sheet because it's like softer fattier and and juicier and that's a nice like layer you want that on your skin and then you get the kato salami over you like a comforter blanket situation what are you laying on top of uh the sheets could be mortadella i want to i want to die and sleeved in an entire sheath of mortadella does that make you a cannoli by the laws of our podcast i'm pretty sure it does i guess uh no there's no rolling i mean what i roll toss and turn in bed, so I would maybe not go to sleep a cannoli, but I feel like I would wake up a cannoli.

You gotta be careful you're gonna wake up a cannoli. You toss and turn while you sleep, you gotta be careful, you watch out, you wake up a cannoli, you never know what's gonna happen. Hey, uh, you better watch out, you know, you, one thing leads to another, you might wake up a cannoli, you know? Would be a shame if, uh, maybe, maybe you woke up a cannoli tomorrow you know timmy tuto's he loves cannolis you gotta watch out this is horrifying uh this is back knee nightmare world uh back knee front knee uh knee knee i have front knees i can't imagine this is

gonna be good for your skin but then again maybe it's going to be miraculous for your skin i can't imagine the smell because i i think we've all glossed over that how often do you need to change your sheets about three times a day a lot a lot frequently or your bed has to be in a refrigerator oh god no but you can get like a heated little like grill underneath and have a heated bed in this i'll pick baloney i guess i don't know it seems like the most even it would last the longest because i think it's so stuff full of preservatives that it would never rot it's not good choices all around but i'll take baloney we're in a weird place right we've been playing video games as like a job for quite a while now who do you think is more likely to stay up literally all night playing some whatever

your favorite game, some new game that came out that you're really hype about? Wait. Me. I already pull all-nighters more than you all do. I go to bed at 9.30. 9.30. This guy. What?

It's a pretty reasonable time to go to bed. If you're a two-year-old. I literally stayed up till four in the morning playing the Diablo four beta just for some stupid little mount trophy thing. Oh, did you kill the world boss and get the mount? I did. Oh, fun. I stayed up till like three or four a.m. to do that.

So I'm already pulling even for a beta guy. I don't like all nighters. I've done them before for edits and it's just like it's just awful. Everything about it. You hate life. You hate the experience. You hate everything about it. Oh, someone's too adult, it's just awful. Everything about it. You hate life. You hate the experience. You hate everything about it. Oh, someone's too adult for us now, Bob.

Look, I'm just being honest. You don't do all nighters by choice, Mark. You do an all nighter because the deadline's tomorrow and you've realized you put off three days of work until the last 18 hours that you have before you need to click send or submit or whatever. And it's like, oh, pulling an all nighter. Yep. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

That is the thing. That's what adults do, Mark. Who's more likely between the two of you to have the worst taste in food? We all know you guys would say me if I had the option to be. But between you two, who's got the worst taste in food? I would say I would say me. I have like the whole I think the thing is I have like the whole gambit, right? I have eaten at Michelin star restaurants. we live in the bay area right now so we've been lucky

that we have access to all kinds of great food i love great food i've i will sit there and be like oh this lacquered quail the skin is so crisp and the it has notes of of tea and and i'll sit and i'll totally do that but i'm also the guy where it's like 930 at night and I'm like, dinner was a little light. I'm going to go to the pantry and get some cheese in a can and just squirt that directly into my mouth for a while. But I'm the same way because my entire diet, 50% of it is just a light string cheese and salami.

And I will eat that and be totally fine with it and salt he pours salt all over the cheese and then used to be pretty intense with the salt on like buttered crackers or whatever it was am i not am i crazy did you not do that yeah but i'm talking about cheese and salami who would put salt on already salted meats i'm not gonna lie i'd be dead if i would bet my i would have bet my life that you'd be the one to do it so i'd probably be dead all right okay he caught me i have done that before but it's not a regular occurrence I'm not going to lie. I'd be dead if I would bet my, I would have bet my life that you'd be the one to do it. So I'd probably be dead. All right. Okay. He caught me.

I have done that before, but it's not a regular occurrence. Okay. I'm spared. I've done it before, but it's not a regular thing. I don't know why, but occasionally, you know, the salt shakers there say I got a salt grinder because I like my salt powdered. I like how you act all incredulous about the question. Then you admit to doing it.

Well, look, look, it's embarrassing. I don't want to be incredulous about the question. Then you admit to doing it. Well, look, look, it's embarrassing. I don't want to be accused of it, but I'm not a coward. I'm going to admit it. I did it. It was me all along.

I put the salt on the salami. I picture like a cracker and then there's like salt on top and you sprinkle a little meat on there. And then you're like, oh yeah. I don't know why it's crackers. I don't know where the specific cracker imagery is coming from, but Mark, I will say, I get what you're saying. yeah i don't know why it's crackers i don't know what the specific cracker imagery is coming from but mark i will say i i get what you're saying because you you you're not like picky and a lot of the time you just subsist on the same thing over and over but i feel like

your baseline of like what's the scummiest like cheapest grossest thing that you'll eat is a lot higher than mine i guess is where i come down on that because that's a lot there's nothing wrong with salami and string cheese. Like, those are fine. They're not fancy, but those are like fine, normal ingredients. I'll eat like, I buy like olive loaf. Like, I'm at the grocery store and I look and I'm like, hmm, what's the most processed thing? Is this even meat?

It says meat on the package, but I ought to try it and find out. I don't know. It sounds good. Used eggshells and coffee grounds. I mean, maybe it's a mysterious and magical combination of flavors. I don't know. It sounds good. Used eggshells and coffee grounds. I mean, maybe it's a mysterious and magical combination of flavors. I don't know. You gotta try things. I like food.

Food's good. There's lots of good food. We all know where we've been lucky in various ways in our lives. But which one of you two would you consider to be the most unlucky? Like if you had, if you believed in luck and believed in karma and consequence and all that stuff or whatever have you who has the worst luck like generally if it comes to karma me the moment i say or do anything that can possibly have a quick fire negative karma response it happens the other day i went upstairs and i was like changing the bed sheets and i saw like i

still had a suitcase from where i traveled on the floor and i was like changing the bed sheets and I saw like I still had a suitcase from where I traveled on the floor and I was like man that's been here for like a week and a half I really need to put that away literally two minutes later I went and I stubbed my toe in such a way on the wheel of that stupid thing to the point where my whole foot went like numb and then after I got the feeling back I still couldn't feel my toe for a while I was like it's either really broken or it's gonna really hurt me in a few. Ah, there it is. And I was just an excruciating pain for a few. And that kind of thing happens to me in video games.

It happens to me in life. The moment I like put something off or like I had this little sound toy and I played like the noise of one of like the cartoon characters, like do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And I played that to annoy Molly. And then I went to run away

and I ran my foot right into a doorframe. Like I, that happens to me all the time. It's like a daily occurrence. Is all of your quote unquote, bad luck foot and toe stubbing related incidents. Anything that happens in life where you're kind of snarky or whatever, you then stub your toe and you're like, damn you luck. Yeah. I've got the luck toe, the unluck toe.

I don't know, Bob, are you unlucky or cursed? I definitely get karma all the time. I will say I feel pretty lucky. I must have been a good person in my previous life because I basically just lie and talk shit and I'm mean to you guys on and on and on. And I feel like I get pretty lucky. So karmically, I'm racking up a lot of debt this time around.

Except for coin flips. Well, maybe it's all in coin flips. Maybe that's my thing. I'm lucky in all other aspects of life, but coin flips, I have 0% chance of success. That's how it balances out. I'll just keep doing it on this podcast. It don't matter. Who wins, Mark?

You want to make it up to a coin flip? Well, I'm not sure. I got a lens cap right here. All right, three, two, one. It's on the floor. Sure, I got a lens cap right here. All right, three, two, one. It's on.

A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you taking you to greater heights add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure michigan keep it fresh at michigan.org have you guys ever done the flow rider thing? Oh, the like surfing thing? The surfing thing. It's like the water shoots up an incline and you can like surf on it. Well, I'm not very athletic. And also I weigh a lot for how those things function.

So instead of like, I was trying to like bodyboard, right? So you like put a board under your chest and jump onto it. And I like did that for a second and then flipped over and the board shot off. And it was very funny. You're supposed to shoot up off the back and then you stand up and you're like whoa i didn't shoot up off the back i weighed enough that i was like stuck on the incline endlessly rolling and the way like i was just like and they had to turn they had to hit the emergency stop and the god-liked instructor had to come in and be like are are you OK?

And I was like, I was that guy where everyone around was like, oh, shit, is he OK? You were just put in the washing machine. You just started rolling. No, I it was like it was like rolling down a hill with a pool being shot up your face every other. Oh, that's awesome. Every every rotation, you get another blast of pool up inside your sinuses but it was like i got off and i thought it was the funniest thing ever it was insanely funny but also i meant they had to turn it all off and it was the whole thing and

sound effects were so good i visualized it perfectly i'm pretty sure i mean i remember it vividly oh you know what the real topper was so that all happened and everyone in the whole area was like is is he okay? And they were all looking, right? And I stood up and I was kind of like, no, okay. And I was like, just trying to walk out. And as I was stepping over the ledge to get out of the thing, I just slipped for no reason.

It was just wet. And I slipped and I fell back onto my ass on the hard deck outside of the thing. As everyone was like, oh, he's okay. Oh, no, he's okay oh no he's okay he's like i got the double whammy of everyone watching and then doing it to myself again but it was really funny like that's one of the funniest memories i have of like vacations with family and i don't even care that i was the funny part it was really it's really good that is fantastically hilarious and sad but also hilarious yeah i was okay well i mean the sad part is

whenever you do something embarrassing everyone looks everyone's watching that's the worst i mean it i guess i would rather either nobody looked or everybody looked it's when like from like three people see it and they're all like stupid and you feel you feel judged. When everybody looks, I feel like it's easier to like, it just is laughing with the group. Yeah. You're enjoying it with everyone.