Distractible - Nah, I'd Win

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

It's a mouse... it's a fly... it's a salmon... no! It's Wade and Bob using their animal instincts to defeat predators in Mark's game. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Colorful, flavorful, anything but boring, Vitamin Water injects a daily dose of vibrancy into a watered-down life. Grab a Vitamin Water today. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Messy Mark has office problems and sets up dice-dependent dastardly death matches. Wanted Wade ejaculates as he finds himself, permits potential patricide, whips pussy, fires kamikaze and is tantalized by turds.

Bearish Bob loves a transformative video, tycoons and taverns, then gets horny and blows for eagles. From cream pies to sphincter spelunking. Heheheheh. It's time for, Nah, I'd Win. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, welcome to Distractible. I'm wearing the exact same shirt I was before, but if you're just a listener, you don't know that I'm slovenly. Thank you so much for attending this podcast and being with us here for another week of wonderful entertainment.

For the listeners, I want you to know Mark is wearing a looks to be like a gray shirt to me. Wrong. It's brown. He's got a wet looking thought bubble with an eggplant in it, but the shirt is, it says Wiss Kahn Sin. Oh wait, I thought we were doing the same game

from last time, that's my bad. No, no, we're not actually, no, not at all. There is a green cloud coming from Mark Seat. No, there's not, no, absolutely not. This is the podcast where everything is complete nonsense and we basically just use it as a soundboard for random ideas that we come up with. And if it works, it's great.

We'll never do a sequel. If it doesn't work, don't worry. We'll never do a sequel. Except for tier lists. We got like nine more tier lists coming down the pipe. Get ready, everybody. How many of those, we've not even done that many of those. How many have we done like three?

Like four. Three or four. Three or four tops. But we do part dos of them sometimes that people really don't like that. That's because we don't finish them. You gotta finish the tier list otherwise it's pointless. Yeah, you're right, you're right.

But we're here and we've lived a lot of life since the last episode. So what life have you guys lived since the last episode? I found myself. Where were you? Right here in this chair. I looked in the camera and there I was. Maybe you're trapped in the camera. Oooh. Help! Help! My pen doesn't seem to be working. you right here in this chair i looked in the camera and there i was maybe you're trapped in the camera

oh help help my pen doesn't seem to be working your pen doesn't work it's kind of half working but it's not really it's kind of working just get some ketchup man no i used hot sauce i have buffalo sauce here in a cup that'll work that'll work you give some spicy points i did a spicy episode you could too. Remember Dickachu? I had to look up some wikis on how to control my ejaculate after that one. I think you mean how to increase your ejaculate.

Oh, is that what it was? Yeah, that. Or control your urge to masturbate. Those were the two. Hand check. I'll do one at a time. Why can't you just let go of it for a second? Oh, I can't do it, man. How do I control it if I don't have a go of it for a second? I can't do it man.

How do I control it if I don't have a hand on it at all times? I'm going to give Wade gooning points so he's got the gooning point. Do you even mog bro? I don't know what mog or gooning is. This guy doesn't even mew. My Twitch chat had to teach me what a cream pie was like two years ago. That's strange. I was really hoping you were just gonna go, that's delicious.

I love a good Dutch cream pie, you know? I can't fucking... It works sometimes. Lick it! I did that already. If you put hot sauce in the tube of ink, would it work? Yes, of course it would. The problem with that is not the hot sauce, it's that opening the tube that the ink is in is very difficult. You need like a hypodermic needle to get that in there. You're in Texas, they got those. Ta-ha-ha-ha-ha. That's definitely true. Can I tell a little fun story about hypodermic needles?

Hyperdermic? Hypodermic, whatever the word is. Yeah, hyperdermic. They're very different than hypodermic, so. They derm the shit out of you. Hippo, can I tell the story about hippo needles? Sure. I don't know if I told this story,

I think I probably have, you guys might know this one. But when I was young, we were driving, my dad was driving a car, and my younger brother and I were in the car, and there was a lady that cut him off, and he had his window down, so he yelled, lady, learn to fucking drive, or something along those lines. She had her window down too, and apparently heard him.

So we went to some local store, I don't remember what store it was. We were gonna go fishing. So my dad had bought some like artificial bait and stuff like that. So we go into this store and we literally buy hypodermic needles because my dad said something about the lines of like if you pump air into the artificial bait, it would do something to it when it was like on the hook. I don't know if it was true or not, but he would use the hypodermic needles

to put air in the worms. Well, after buying the needles, he went outside and that lady and apparently like two dudes that were with her were in the parking lot and they were like yelling at him and it looked like they were gonna start a fight. So I ran inside and I told someone working at the store, I was like, they're gonna beat up my dad.

And like, I went to hide. My younger brother's like five years old. He's got like like his fists up he's like ready to defend my dad. I ran first chance I got to get away from the situation but yeah police came and they were questioning everybody and then they're like so what'd you buy at the store and my dad just pulls out these needles and uh that's my experience with hypo-glut glutamine needles. Hypodermic. He put one in each hand, he was like, I'm gonna hyper you, derrmic. Ah!

And then he started injecting air into their veins. I call this hypo. I call this dermic. Let's dance. Let's dance. What are we talking about? Small talk? I don't know if Mark, let us there.

I just kind of took over. I have small talk. Okay. YouTube update. It's not about about YouTube it's about a channel I found a channel and by found a channel I mean a guy from a channel that I already watch left the bigger channel and started his own thing one the name of the channel is I'm surprised it's not taken it's fantastic YouTube channel is called I can do that the entire vibe of it is this dude is like,

he was a producer, I think on Donut Media, which is like a car channel. But the vibe of his channel is like, he likes to DIY stuff and he has a lot of connections to people who have like tools and things. And his first video, which he only has one out so far, but his first video, he drove from California back home in the Northeast, like in Maine or somewhere, I forget.

And then he started his, he had a free boat. Someone was giving him a boat for free on a trailer. I love boat. And he was going to drive from there all the way back to California. And as he drove across the country, he was 100% free, like either found in the trash or donated from friends or whatever materials

to build the boat into like a camper on the trailer. So he built like this adorable little like tiny house camper looking thing. This is his first video and it's only 37 minutes long. He cut off part of his finger, had to buy a truck which turned out to be in worse shape than the original truck he was using. It took him, it must've taken him three weeks or a month to get all the way across country.

He literally made stops like in the Northeast, I think maybe in the Carolinas, I think somewhere in sort of the middle of the country, then down to Texas and New Mexico. He like drove around the whole goddamn country and all the to get home and he has a tiny little like eight foot by 10 foot camper built on the shell of a boat it's just fascinating and he's a crazy dude like I said he cut off part of his finger and he was like well I have to keep going and so he did he did that really early on he got off part of his finger in the first week of this adventure and was like eh fuck it so

anyway fascinating channel I'm excited to see what else he does there's only the one video right now but but it was very good. I would recommend it. What else can he do? I'm sure he can do anything. Probably car stuff. What was the channel called? I can do that.

Technically it's I can do that LOL, but. Oh, Penn, you bastard. Ah. I was gonna try and do a TikTok update, but I gotta be honest. Nothing's hitting on TikTok. I don't know. Yeah, I've noticed that too.

Either my algorithm's getting real wonky or nothing's happening. Yeah. It's very strange. Like I still check it out on occasion, but they lost me. Dragon Ball Z DoCon merged, well not merged, but they synced versions. So the JP version and the global version are on the same time scale now. You were talking about that previously. It's happened.

We're here. Did you finish all of You were talking about that previously. It's happened. We're here. Did you finish all of your crap? There's always more crap. The thing about gotcha style games is there's always stuff to do. I know, but you said there was a bunch of stuff you needed to do before the merge happened or else like it went away or something.

Did you do all that? I've done everything that they've given us. Yeah, it's been a lot. It's been a lot. There's been a lot of banners. There's been a lot of events, but I've kept up. Thank God there's been like two weeks since we've had a world tournament because I hate those. But yeah, bro. I hate world tournaments. Yeah, me too, bro. It is

just the same fight. It's the same six fights nonstop for 72 straight hours. And if you don't put at least like eight hours into it, you're not getting very good rewards. It's like the old like 2014-2015 mechanic that for some reason they haven't gotten rid of. You make it sound so fun. Everything else is fun. That is like the least fun part of the game. And you like this game? Other than that part, yeah. It's just a very chill, fun game. I like the animations. I

like Dragon Ball. That's fair. That's very fair. I need to find another pen. This is gonna drive me insane. Don't make any handshake deals. Wait, who couldn't possibly? How do we handshake an episode that he's hosting? I don't even know. At the end, we make him win so he has to host again.

Oh, clever. That would confuse him. I feel like he's not gonna go along with that, but we can try. Especially if it means he has to come up with another idea that isn't just one of our... Our, we were just doing pirate stuff. Our, our.

Our, our. Our, our. Ah just doing pirate stuff all right he's back i don't even know what a handshake is no honor among us thieves i'm gonna give you both pirate point that was great it was good to come back to i was really happy about that one all right is that all for small talk i have one more small talk that's really small and will only take a moment and honestly doesn't even deserve points, but I just think it's interesting. Do you guys know the game, Game Dev Tycoon? I think I've heard that name before,

but I've never, no, I've never played it or anything. Yes, I have, yeah. It's like an old game. It's been out, it came out in 2012 originally, and it's been kind of re-released and on different platforms. The studio that made that, I love that game. And there were also a lot of copycats of that game called Game Dev Story and things,

but it was, it's a very fun game. Love that game. Green Heart Games, the company that made that game finally, 12 years later has released another game and it's called Tavern Keeper. I have heard of that one. I have not played it very much, but it's really fun. You're a Tavern Keeper and it's like a business management sim kind of thing, but like the style is awesome. It's anyway, I've just really had like I, when this popped up, I was like, oh my God, game Dev Tycoon.

I haven't thought about that game in forever. So I was really excited and it's fun. Good game. I always found it impossible. For some reason I could never get games after the first couple like upgrades of office to actually do anything. They just kept flopping. Yeah, it's really hard.

I never understood the mechanics of it, so I never got far. Couldn't possibly look it up. I was really good at the first roller coaster tycoon. Unrelated. Keeping a tavern could be a roller coaster of a ride. Oh, there you go. All right. Well, we're not given any segue points to that because that's not in any way related to the topic of today. Oh, there you go. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Walking through the forest and I heard the sound of a tree being chopped down and I thought to myself

Well, this one will definitely make a sound because I'm here to hear it happen And then I stepped on a frog and it exploded and covered me in goop frog goop Weirdly in a way that is segue-able to what we're talking about lenses is segue-able to what we're talking about. Lenses! Are you going with that final segue? It's gotta be at least 50% chance. All right, no. Bob, you get the segue point.

Congratulations. All right. What a heck of a losing streak right now, boys. You mentioned animals, and one of the animals is on this list that I have here. The lens frog. What does the lens frog say? Normal frogs say, lens frog. What does the lens frog say? Normal frogs say ribbit.

What does a lens frog say? Action. That's not worth a point, but it may be. It may be point at you. I was gonna say minolta. No, this is getting worse. Minolta. All right, Bob, here's the scenario.

Okay. You are a mouse. Imagine yourself as a mouse. Got Okay. You are a mouse. Imagine yourself as a mouse. Got it. You're a mouse, embodying mouse. You are in a battle arena, and on the other end of the arena is a cat. The name of this game is,

Nah, I'd Win. How we're gonna do this? Your objective is to conjure up an action for this mouse to take to help it win this fight against the cat. You can only add one action, and if this does not win, it will go to Wade, who will create another action. I will be the arbiter of whether that action

helps you or is possible. Let's just assume the mouse is intelligent is capable of planning and stuff like that but it can't just- it's not chess 3 rules you can't summon B-52 bombers unless you can justify it oh man, I was already way down that path in my head I gotta be honest unless you can justify getting there

but I highly doubt you can do that in one step because this will be round robin if you could chain up getting to a B-52 bomber. I suppose it'd be true. If you rule that whatever action we've come up with is not possible, do we get to go again or do we forfeit that round? Do we do nothing? No, because you won't forfeit the round. You just won't add to your chances of winning. Right. So like, then it's Wade's turn. If I do something that's not possible, I just go skip it's Wade's turn. No, you'll do it. It just won't help you. I'll still roll.

You still might win. So how it's going to work is it starts at 20. There's a D 20. You would have, you have to roll a D 20 right off the bat to win this fight because it's not a good chance. You can get a 20 on the D 20. If you get a 20, if let's say you give your first action and I say that's not gonna help you, I don't give you a point to, it's not a point in the game, I don't give you one more level of chance,

then it would be 19 if you did get something good. Is it one more roll or is it a plus one? Okay, it's plus one. It's plus one, yeah, all of these are just gonna be plus one or zero. Did we get any inspiration dice? No, what level are we you're a mouse your level zero So these matchups are really unfair now how it's gonna go after this is Wade you have to remember the action that Bob just did say that and then make your action off of that action

say that and then make your action off of that action. Oh, he has to say what I'm gonna say. Do we have to remember every action we've done or just the last one? Every action. You have to retell the story. You know this is not my strong suit. I gotta close my Shakira tab. Bye Shakira, can't actually have fun today.

All right, man, let's do things your way. I gotta pay attention. Bye porn, bye Shakira. So Bob, you are a mouse. There is a cat arena, no escape, fight to the death. What do you do? I'm gonna go out on a big limb for my first action here and just see what it does for me.

I'm gonna flesh out the arena a little bit. This is not dissimilar to sort of like a coliseum type place I'm imagining and so I'm imagining there are pillars sort of spread out among the arena and my first, this might be kind of a long action, my first action would be I want to climb the second pillar on my right and I would blow the horn of Drenthar, which is mounted atop of the pillar. I'm not gonna remember that name for the second round. What the fuck? Yeah, I want to tell you before Mark came up with all said all those rules out loud. I already had thought of this. So I'm really sorry, but I'm really committed to this.

I blow the horn of Drenthar, which as everyone knows will summon the five Eagles of the East to come aid me in battle. Yeah, okay. I'll remember that. I read Lord of the Rings 30 years ago. It's made up. It's unrelated to Lord of the Rings. You blow the horn of Dranthar from the second pillar. Okay. Even I got to remember this shit. All right. You're gonna need diagrams, boys. Here's what I'm going to tell you. This isn't going to help you this turn, but in three turns, the eagles will arrive and that will add a point so in three turns There's gonna be another chance is is one turn I go that's one way goes

That's two or is one turn I go wait goes one turn Let's say three turns after this turn so it'd be it'd be let's get it back on your turn So it would help you let's say four turns gonna be weighed you. So, you need a 20 to win this fight. Ooh, nine. Mouse gets eaten while they're on the pillar, the second pillar on the right, mid-blow, but they get the blowout. Nine means death?

I think it's either win or death. I don't think there's an in-between. That's why it's your turn now. You had an action. Okay, but I need to recall what Bob did, even though that mouse is dead. Let's think of Elden Ring rules. You respawn, but you got to do the same thing. Yeah, it's like a time rewind. You just, you have to, the actions are set as we add them, but then you get to add another action.

Okay, so am I starting from on the pillar or am I starting from somewhere else? You start from the beginning, but you have to remember what, you got to say what happened. Me, the mouse, just died on the second pillar after blowing the horn of Drenthar to call in the eagles. And now I'm going to charge at the cat and use Tail Whip to lower its... I don't think he's understanding you, Mark. He's gonna be honest. Wade, when the mouse dies, imagine that everything that just happened resets back to the beginning.

Yes. And you start by, you have to describe the action of climbing up the pillar, doing the thing, and then that succeeds, and then you do the next action. Yes, your action has to continue. So I still have to cl- okay. We're building a sequence of actions where each time we have to state the entire sequence plus another one. All right. I respawn. I climb up the second pillar. I blow the horn of Jaren'thar.

Which side? Oh, right. Correct. Good. Climb the second pillar, blow the horn of Jaren'thar to summon the five eagles of bullshit. I decide from up here, I have a prime opportunity to dive, spin, and use Tail Whip to lower the cat's defenses. I'm just gonna go right for it. Yes, because when you run away from a cat as a mouse, the cat grabs your tail.

But if you charge the cat head on, it can't grab your tail with its paw. And present your tail to it by whipping it towards it. And then you spin last minute and your tail hits it in its eyeballs lowering its defenses to ready it for your attack. All right I will accept that that will give you another chance to get her so if you get a 19 you win. Oh 11 you whip it and you still get eaten. Can I get a free plus eight? No. All right Bob it's your turn. All right I climb up the second pillar on the right and blow the horn of Dranthar to summon the five eagles of the east. I then realize I have an advantageous position

and launch myself towards the cat, spinning and whipping it with my tail to lower its defenses. I assume that I land slightly behind the cat and to its right. And the cat is currently stunned by the successful tail whip. And so I use this opportunity to, ugh, if I look around, is that my action? Yeah, that would be your action.

Yeah, you already used your movement. No looking, no looking. I use this as an opportunity to try and lower the cat's movement. And I lunge at their back right leg and try and like give them a really strong bite, kind of right on the tendons and the meaty part of their back leg. Okay, I'll accept that because if the tail whip did stun and then you go behind, you're in prime position to bite that leg. That's another point. You need an 18.

Oh, it was right there. Oh, it was right there. Not quite right enough. Unfortunately, it scoops you up right by its leg, your little mouse teeth did nothing, and you die. Wade! I climb up the second pillar on the right, I blow the horn of Drenthar to summon the five eagles of bullshit. I dive down, get right in front of the cat, spin using Tail Whip to temporarily lower its defenses,

land behind it to the right, or I don't look around but I use the opportunity while it's stunned to bite its back right leg and then whenever that doesn't do enough I use my swift action my free action to rage you're increasing my constitution and strength but lowering my AC because I'm one hit kill anyway and while while raging, I use punch. Well, that's two actions. So free action to rage. No, that was a swift action. He's allowed to be free action.

Barbarian. That's allowed. That's allowed. Oh, I see. Shut up, host. You don't know. I play a barbarian every Wednesday, man. I know what I can do. As long as I'm not fatigued, I can rage. Well, it would help if this was D&D. But all right, I know what I can do as long as I'm not fatigued. I can rage Well, it would help if this was D&D, but all right It's still only counts as one though, but I'll allow it I just want you to know my health and strength are raised

What are you punching? Oh the part I just bit it's already exposed. I see. Okay. So yeah, all right Okay, so you're 17 would get it. Yep I see. Okay. So yeah. All right. Okay. So you're 17 would get it. Yup. The cat explodes in a viscera of blood. Oh my God. You freaking blow up the cat. You hit it. My barbarian mouse is annihilating everything. You did one of those Fist of the North Star. You punched it right at it. It's like, it's nerve point that made its head explode. Have you ever seen Fist of the North Star, you punched it right at it. It's like its nerve point that made its head explode. Have you ever seen Fist of the North Star?

Meowoo-ken! Yes, I'm like that. Man, and to think the Eagles show up right after that and are like, I know. Why did you why did you blow the horn? Did you just want us to see this cat explode? Because pretty fucking cool. I just wanted the Eagles to watch me get this sick ass kill on this cat. You should have accepted me as one of your own! Are you not entertained? That was an impeccable finish. That was really... I didn't think that would work.

Honestly, you know, raging and punching, I almost got there, but Bob was on your side. So I guess we'll have a rule where if Bob, if I'm in doubt, your opponent can be on your side. If the action feels justified, I'll remember your leniency, Bob. I feel like raging is fair. I think that was a fair action. Good episode, Mark. Do I get bonus points for making my steps as convoluted and hard to remember as physically possible? You might down the road if you can make it more complicated for Wade. If Wade can't remember him.

This is going to be fun, Wade. Bob, I just said, remember your lead. See, don't do this, man. Don't do this to my brain. I appreciate that Mark was on top of you kept saying Dresdnarr and it was Dresdnarr. Mark, Mark took note of that. I do appreciate that. I just my it's my country accent coming out.

I was I was saying what y'all saying, you know, bile the oil and of that. I do appreciate that. I just, it's my country accent coming out. I was saying what y'all was saying, you know, boil the oil and all that, boil the oil, you boil the oil. Is that a Southern accent? Boil the oil. You boil the oil. I'm not going back to university to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber One for students.

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You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Wade, you are a fly. You're hovering in an arena where at the center of the arena is one of the biggest frogs you've ever seen on one lily pad and its tongue can reach you anywhere in the arena but there's also pillars I guess, so there's still pillars. Oh, there's still pillars.

I don't know why there's pillars but... Just arenas have pillars, I mean, is the arena water other than the lily pad? We'll try to replicate the natural environment these would occur. So the frogs on a lily pad It's surrounded by water It can't really move from where it is But it can its tongue can reach the walls pretty much all around it that tongue do a full wrap around to that pillar It might let's assume it can because if you don't succeed in your action, it's gonna get you. So alright, wait, you're a frog You're a fly. There's a frog. What you do? I fly I fly up and up and I dive bomb that son of a bitch

all right I don't know if that helps you actually I don't know if that's gonna help oh it will Bob do you think that helps him? I don't he didn't do any the frog is literally just like uh-huh Alright, well you didn't rage before and so I'm not I'm not gonna give you any points you have to get a 20 You did not rage. Alright, here we go. I used fly you actually flew up first So you made yourself not in three you didn't that did not go well for you. Am I alive?

No, you got eaten. You flew up, giving it time to track you, then curved and dive down. So Bob, this is a really hard place to start. I fly up and up and up, and then I dive bomb that motherfucker. But as I enter my dive, I know that my goal is to get the frog to fire his tongue off and dodge it

so that I can get inside of the radius of his tongue and get up close. And so as I'm diving, I'm maneuvering and just waiting. And hopefully, I dodge the tongue and I'm like land right between his eyes right on his face and then I'm ready for my next move. All right, so you land between his face. That's good because that's a great place. It's tongues out. If it misses you, you're good between the eyes. 19. No, you actually you miss the eyes by that much you land right in the mouth

Okay, so wait go from there. I fly up up up I dive bomb but I dive bomb knowing my goal is for him to stick that tongue out though So I can dodge it and get in close get it within his radius for attack So as I come down that tongue comes out and I'm bobbing and I'm weaving I'm Maneuvering to get around that tongue and I land between his eyes. I'm here now. Nothing great seems to have happened. So what do I do?

I crawl down. I see a little turd behind the frog. I'm tempted. I ignore. So what do I do instead? Bite his hindquarters. My cousin was a horse fly. I saw him bite someone once and they went, ow.

And I'm like, if they can do it, I can too. Do we know enough about flies to say that they do or do not have biters? I mean, most common flies can bite, right? They got proboscitors. They got a little proboscis, but let's just assume... If they can eat a turd, they can eat a skin. All right. Yeah. All right. I'll give it to you. Unless... Nah, I'll give it to you. No, I mean, the flies got to be able to do something.

Yeah, exactly. All right. All right. 18. Oh, it was pretty close. Is 15. Do I get a temporary plus three? Not quite enough. You couldn't resist the allure of the cord and you let your guards down. I did resist it. I bit the butt instead.

But man, it looked good sitting there. No, I think you failed Okay, Bob Okay I fly up and up and up and I dive Bob that motherfucker and I Bob and weave knowing the whole time My goal is to get him to launch his tongue out there and I dodge it and I get in close inside his radius I land on his face. Are you maneuvering? Are you maneuvering? I'm maneuvering. I'm maneuvering. Oh, don't help him I'll end right in between his eyes, right on his face.

He missed me, his tongue is way out there. Instead of doing something to his very vulnerable eyes or ear holes, I, for some reason, climb around to his ass. And I look and there's a piece of poop right behind him, but I'm like, no! And instead I bite him on his hindquarters. And when that does actually nothing and he literally doesn't even notice I decide to crawl down to his little butthole and see if I can get inside of him Bob this was my idea. This is where I wanted to go. Oh, okay good

I picked up what you were laying down. Yeah, okay. I was right there the toasty was there I had to take a little bite I'll I think that definitely would put you at an advantageous position, but it's a risky maneuver. Let's see if it pays off for you. 17. Has a frog ever butt chugged a fly? Five.

It has now with a five. Yep, it sure did. The powerful shrink crushes you like a fly and then you're dead. All right. I fly up and up and up I go. Oh how high very high What do I do next? I dive bomb But my goal the whole time is getting him to stick that little tonguey out and try to hit me

But I know that's what he's gonna do. So i'm dodging i'm weaving i'm Maneuvering my way all the way down to land right between his eyes. And what do I do there? Nothing I don't go for the eyes. I don't go for the mouth, I don't go for anything. The brain, I climb my way down to the, ooh, is that a poop? I'm not going for it. Instead I'm gonna bite you right on the cheek there. Oh, that didn't seem to do much. We're going in, baby!

But I know I died last time, so what am I gonna do? I'm gonna buzz my way in. My little fucking wings are going crazy as I enter to make sure that I'm keeping some space around And so I could do some spin maneuvers and use my sharp cutting wings to flay him from the inside You've opened up the tornado of pain inside of his rectum that actually I feel like that would be as Devastating as it could be uh if you hit it with the right speed and angle it might work uh was it 16 16 easy to say it was

the 17 last time so yes four turns out your wings were just that strong enough they crumple like paper and then your uh your sandwich between two turds and you're smooshed best way to go out for a fly really I don't know why there's a turd behind you now My god followed me I Fly up and up and up and then I turn and dive bomb knowing the whole time I'm gonna get him to shoot his tongue out and miss me and I'm dodging and diving and I'm Maneuvering and I land right between his eyes diving and I maneuvering and I land right between his eyes, ignoring the obvious advantage I've given to myself. I crawl around to his butt and I bite him right on his cheek. Oh,

there's poop though, but I ignore it because it's not time for a snack. And then when I bite him on his cheek and nothing happens, I climb into his butt and unleash my devastating tornado wing attack. Just as I... Can I improvise what the frog does here? Yeah, sure, absolutely. Just as I planned, the sudden searing pain in this frog's rectum causes him both to leap off of his one lily pad in the entire arena and eject me out with so much force that I actually bounce off the lily pad and back up into the air. As the frog leaps away, splashing into the water, I'm hovering above the poop, which I'm trying to ignore, planning my next move. So it's more of a result of the action, but you-

Yeah, actually, I didn't actually do anything. Can I still make an action for the fly? Is that allowed? I will say yes. All right, all right. I'm hovering. I notice on a nearby floating piece of detritus, which is probably where these things hang out. There's a bot fly and bot flies like to

catch smaller insects and lay their eggs on them. And then when that insect bites another thing, the egg is implanted and the bot fly larva eats the flesh of the thing that the thing is implanted so I fly over to the botfly and I buzz up at him and I'm like this is this is which is of course but fly ease for give me some eggs all over me quick it's life or death which was the botfly obliges because they're actually pretty chill even though they're kind of horrifying creatures all right I see you're going you're you're preparing for the sacrificial play. Great man, I think you were keeping it simple. I'll allow it 15 and you this will pay off for you.

Kind of rooting for you so I don't have to spell all that back. Ah shit. Oh that's rough. It turns out the frog gets you before the eggs. There was a lot of extra you could boil it down to what actually happened, I feel like, and it's, there was a lot of wavering on my part there. I'll allow some rescission.

I fly up, very high up. Plan, dive down. I'm diving. I want that tongue though. Why? So I can dodge, weave, maneuver. And I do, and I fly down, land right between its eyes where I don't take advantage of that location.

No, instead I slide right on down. Ooh, a poie. No now's not the time. Oh that Astro Take a bite out of that didn't do much. Hey a hole we're going in but we're not just going in we're going in tornado style Oh shit, it didn't do much frog. Oh what god I feel ah I go flying out frog leap into the water. Frog, oh what, god, I feel. Ah, I go flying out. Frog leap into the water. Oh, whoa, I'm a little disoriented. Oh, look at that, some detritus floating around. I'll fly down where I see a bluot fly.

A bluot fly, you say? Yes, no, actually I said bloat. Ah, okay, I thought it was French. But no, it's not, in fact it's just a bloat fly. What's it do? It lays weird eggs. Eggs? Yes, eggs that kill so what do I do I say? And it's like yo, I got you bro spits its eggs all over me and there I am covered in eggs What do I do wait for the frog to reemerge? I see it. It's butt is back. I go back in. We're going in for seconds boys!

But now I'm covered in eggs! I'm playing the long game. Is my lifespan short? Yes, but I'll still win at the end. That frog's going down. I'll give you one last chance to pronounce the name of the fly friend that you ducked to. A bloat fly. What? Is that what you said? No, I said an actual animal. Is bloat fly from Fallout? Yes, I think.

It's from a video game, I'm pretty sure. It is called a bloat fly. You said it so close the first time and then you changed the pronunciation. A bloat fly, a blat fly, a bat fly. I don't know if this is enough to ruin his whole turn but it is disappointing. Look I the description getting so long I'm gonna give it to him. Bot fly? Bot fly yeah. Bot fly that's it. 14 right or was it is it 13? I can't I why can't

I remember the numbers? I'm too busy paying attention to this craziness you guys are saying. I had a 17 17 Bob had a 16 This should be a 15 for me. No 15 just happened. This should be 14. Okay, this should be 14 I think all right here we go boink Whoa Shockingly the second turn inside the ass with an 18 has somehow It's like exploding eggs or something I guess with the assistance of your bot fly friend.

Very close on not getting that. Really thought it was bloat fly. I'm disappointed in the word itself for not being bloat fly. Hey, the fallout bloat fly is based on the bot fly. Well, that kind of makes sense. So in an indirect way, I was correct. You were so close. All right, Bob, are you ready for one more round?

I did not expect it. I had a whole list of different matchups here. I had so many. What, do you want us to keep it simple or something? No, no, no, no, no, no. I love this. This is fantastic. Oh, we're weaving an intricate tapestry of survival against all odds.

A real David versus Goliath. All right, we're opening up the area. Bob, you're in a stream. You're a salmon. You're swimming up because you got one objective. Fucking die. But in your way, there's a bear. Bear standing right at the top of a waterfall. It's only, it's a very narrow one. It's almost exactly the width of the bear. But there's a little bit of room on either side. So there's no avoiding the conflict. You're within range of the bear, but there is space in between the bear.

And obviously it's a river, river banks, but you're a fish. You'd have to really justify something, but I'm willing to accept whatever. My first move is to actually swim downstream a little or kind of stay where I'm at and just look around. Because the salmon spawn is a big event and there's usually a lot of fish swimming upstream to go and do the fucking. And so I look and I'm hunting for a big enough group and I see a group of six or seven salmon

all swimming together and Assassin's Creed style blend into their group and start going with them upstream. You pull your salmon hood down, you tuck away your salmon knives in your wrist and it starts slowly touching everyone's salmon shoulders. At Samio casually pulls his head down and starts walking very inconspicuously. Samio? Samio? At Samio?

At-sio? Sammon? Yeah, at Samio? At Samio F At-sio? Sammon? Yeah, at Samio. At Samio Flippatore? A Sammon's Creed. I'm going to give you a preparatory point here, because it's not an aggressive action and you're blending in. So it's really just like, does the bear see through your disguise? I guess is the question mark.

It almost feels unfair to roll it, but I don't want to change up the game too much. But I'll give you a point for that one, for sure. I'll take it. I'll take a passive round. If you don't unfair to roll it, but I don't want to change up the game too much. But I'll give you a point for that one for sure. I'll take it. I'll take a passive round. If you don't want to roll it, there's technically no confrontation in what I did. Sure. Yeah. No, you could just go to win the fight and I didn't engage in the fight. That's fair. Yeah, sure. But you have a point. So there is a point on the board. This is a great starting point and I don't see how it could die. It could get you killed, but'll just like we'll abstain from the rule for this one You can't win but you have put yourself in a good advantage. Yeah, we're working on it. Wait, I'm swimming upstream

I look around I see a pack of salmon six or seven of them I decided to pull down my hood hide my flip daggers I go and I blend in around is usually about six seconds. So this is about six seconds I know in six seconds. I can also have sex twice. So in order to build my confidence, we're gonna fuck twice. And I'm also gonna take a passive round. That's not how salmon reproduce, but that's okay.

Yeah, do you know how salmon reproduce? That's how Ed Samino Flipatory does it. Do you think they have a fish penis? I got a quick trigger. Well, they sure do that. That is true. Spring-loaded daggers, spring-loaded cock. Let's do this. You know what? I'm not... What was your action here? Fucking. The passive round.

Bob took a passive round, I'm taking a passive round. Alright, here's the scenario because this is how it actually would happen. You have one... There's one female in the crowd and all the others are males waiting for the female to lay its eggs. And then they all basically go over to the eggs and just, so you got there just in time though. I blended so good.

Yeah, exactly. They didn't see you coming. They saw me coming. Again, preparatory action. I don't know how that helps you. Cause wouldn't you be tired afterwards? He's building our confidence. He's building our confidence. He's building our confidence.

Whatever, whatever. So now we're at plus two, all right. Our goal is death. We're getting ready for it. That's for you, Bob. I want to keep it fair. All right, Bob, it's in your turn. All right.

So I have a look around. I spot a big group of fish, six or seven, swimming together. I go over there. I pull my hood down. I had my flip daggers I blend in I decide it's a good time before the fight to have a little sex So I do that twice just to build build twice as much confidence. Yes, bred your salmon

No No. Insaminate him. Keep going, keep going. Wait, it's good to go here. Oh, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. Don't want to get salmonella. No, no, no. No, no, you lost, you lost. Okay. Bob, keep going. So now I'm feeling really confident. I'm assuming my cover is broken because of all the sex.

So now I'm just amongst a crowd of obviously unrelated fish. As we were traveling upstream doing our sex on the move, we're very close to a waterfall now like at the where the water is coming down and splashing in. So we're at the point where it's time to like jump up and I let the pack around me start to go and jump into the air and then I jump and I sort of use them like I'm Mario and there are bricks floating in the air and I jump and sort of like ping pong my way up so I have a really aggressive

and high jump out of the water. Ah, I see. Much higher than a normal average salmon jump. I fucked your eggs. Do do do do do do. Basically, I'm gonna assume you get about to eye level with this bear, which has now spotted you, but you're at least eye level.

However, I would assume you're not within biting range, but you're probably still within swiping range now. Okay, you can only jump forward. So I'm gonna assume that this is, it does put you in advantageous because you're higher than you would be. So this is good. 17 and you get this bear.

Oh, 12. Ah, not quite. You were probably going for the assassin strike with both flippers out, but it spotted you beforehand. So unfortunately, you got eaten in this reality, but in Wade's reality something else happened. Sure did. I'm looking around as we swim upstream. I pulled on my hood, hide my flip daggers, blend in with a crowd of six or seven.

I'm fitting in. Female laying eggs. I'm there. Twice. Done. The males in the pack are like, oh, fuck this guy. They start swimming upstream. They're kind of hopping out of the water a little bit as they're making their way are like, Ugh, fuck this guy. They start swimming upstream. They're kinda hopping out of the water a little bit as they're making their way up.

I take advantage of this moment. I hop one to the next, to the next, to the next. I'm up in the air. I level with this bear. And what do I do? I look him right in the eye. And I spit on that thang. What? Hahahaha. Was that thang you spit on? Just to be clear.

The bear's eyes. Oh, okay. He learned his lesson from the the frog round to go for the eyes okay so 16 16 and you you somehow this might kill it I don't know it turns out the bear would drown a teaspoon of water oh man this bear was actually on its last leg. It was starving, just shaking there at the top of the water. God, please just jump into my mouth. And then you spit in its eye and it just keels over. It had never been spat on before. It had a heart attack from surprise. It was actually

a bear crow. It was just a stuffed, like, standing there to try to corral the salmon. Wow, yeah, this has been a bit of an unfair sweep. I don't know why, but the dice have been all in your favor, Wade. It sounds like I have a history with dice. Here's the thing though, Bob, and Wade, you can agree with it. I'm going to give you one chance to earn some points here. I won't tell you how many. If you can accurately describe the fight between the mouse and the cat right now, I will give you points

for certain key things that you remember. Wade, does that sound fair? You did do a clean sweep here. Yeah sure, you know, just for the sake of remembering a great fight. Alright, I'm the mouse in the arena. I climb the second pillar on my right and I blow the horn of Dathnar to seven to five Eagles of the east. I realize being up so high I have quite the advantageous position and I jump down towards the cat and spin and whip it with my tail right in the eyes and I land behind the cat to its right and the tail whip has stunned the cat and as the cat is stunned I turn around and I bite it on its right rear hiding quarters and

No, I think I'm actually forgetting the rest of it hang on I bite it on this ten seconds yeah, I bite out its right rear leg and then I Climb in its asshole I climb in its asshole and I explode but that kills both of us so technically I win You were so close man You were so close

You rage! Oh yeah you rage and then punch and you punch it in the bite hole Yeah that was that was the key thing although jumping in its ass is a proven strategy. Takes a couple of temps in the ass in and out, but you'll, you'll get there. Practice makes perfect.

I gave you points for Wade's ideas in that segment that you got. You, you did get tail whip and you did get rear right. Wait, were you the rear right bite? No, you don't. You were the dodge. I think I said that, but. So it would just be just the tail whip. No, it was leaping through the air. We finished the cat pretty quick. It was that fucking frog that took forever.

The frog took a while. The bear and the cat, not chumps, basically. That fight was over. So I'll give you... I'll give you two points for remembering that. Alright. That was a shitty bear. Yeah, that bear sucked.

I thought the fight was just getting started when I spat. I know, I had so many thoughts. I was like, man, we're all right. We're finally gonna start doing stuff now. And then he just died. Dude, this bear must've been terrified. It sees a salmon, then it just vanishes. What?

And it hears an orgy going on. What? Then suddenly jumps out among other fish. It's like, what? Dude, coming two times before a fight is a guaranteed win Alright, so Wade, you got a gooner point, you got a coward point, you got a pirate point, you got a point for killing the cat, you got a point for killing the frog, you got a point for killing the bear, you murdered this whole round I mean, even though it was pure luck that it was you, but you still won and therefore you got the kill It's like, League League of Legends last hit wins.

Bob, you got a can do it point, got pirate point, got segue point, and you got plus two points for remembering most of that story. Unfortunately, that puts you at five points to Wade's six points. So congratulations, Wade. By pure luck, you have succeeded and survived. Thank you. I choose to award all of my points to Mark to host again for a part two where we can keep fighting animals and creatures. For you see, Mark, when you stepped away, Bob and I had a handshake deal that

whoever won would not and you would win. And I'm honoring that handshake. So here's the thing about that handshake deal that whoever won would not and you would win. And I'm honoring that handshake. So here's the thing about that handshake deal. Neither you nor Bob have any power in this episode. Bob tell him. What I was literally saying as Mark came back and sat down, I was like, well, the only real problem with this is he doesn't have to do it. I missed that part.

Uh huh. Okay. All right. Let's say, all right, I'll give you one point advantage for that being possible. So if he rolls a 19, you win. Yeah. Oh, 14. Oh no.

A four is just a nine. That's afraid. No. All right. Congratulations, Wade. You win. Uh, thank you. I mean here regrettably and against my will because Bob and I had a handshake that I thought was flawless

Untouchable and there was no way it could be overdone. I forgot that the host has all the power yet here I stand with this gold medal in a place. I don't want to be thinking about all the creatures. I've murdered today I Am the true David though. I thought my name was Wade I'm going to take a sip of this drink now and let you guys talk. That was beautiful Congratulations on your amazing victory Bob you lose today, but that's okay because there's a consolation prize you get to read an ad Today's loser speech is brought to you by mug group beer. You know the feeling it's 3 p.m. On Thursday It's too late for coffee. on Thursday, it's

too late for coffee, it's too early for a beer, so you walk around aimlessly in search of a mysterious third beverage. That's when you need Mug Group Beer. Drink Mug Group Beer and let them know you got that dog in you. Honestly I had a really fun time, I thought this episode was really entertaining and the dice just really didn't want me to have any success or joy in my life and it's hard to blame them I guess. The only thing that I wish had happened that didn't happen in this episode is I could you just have waited to kill the cat until the eagle showed up? Could we just have got the eagle into the mix just to see where that

go even just for a turn or two? Could you just have chilled out? I didn't want to kill anything that fast, man. I wanted the bear. You raged! You raged at the cat's ass! It still was only one point. Ah, anyway, everything else was awesome. I just really wanted the eagles to come. I wanted to have the eagles around. You regret the eagles? I regret not having more time with the bear. You know who got that dog in them is that salmon didn't die once Well, I guess it did die once but yeah, that's salmon got there

It's not that salmon's fault that I got it killed. I suck that salmon is good Today's loser speech was brought to you by mug group beer It's the perfect third beverage for any occasion caffeine free carbonated and delicious So drink mug group beer if you got that dog in you. Well thank you everybody for listening to this episode. Thank you for being a part of this podcast. Thank you Bob and Wade for participating. And yeah, the only winning strategy is to crawl up someone's ass. So I think we can all remember that. Subscribe to the podcast, check out our merch, distractablesstore.com distractable store, distractable store dot com.

It never sounds right, does it? No, it never sounds right. Distractable store dot com, check it out, thank you. We'll be back soon. Podcast out.