Distractible - The Most Cursed Moments

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

With the spookiest of seasons approaching, there's no better way to pregame than by reflecting on some of the most horrifying moments to ever occur in Distractible history. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your uber account today Let us not believe that things will halt as we venture back and explore the destructible vault it's time for I just remembered a dream I had the other night and I want to talk about it because you guys know I have

Nightmares a lot and this is just a common thing a lot of people probably know out there But I went a stint without him for a while there. I think I was just so exhausted every night I was barely dreaming anyway Um, but I had this dream where I wasn't in the dream first-person perspective in my own body I was watching a video that was recorded of these events that I was in, and I could see myself, but it was like I wasn't watching past events. They were occurring real-time. Very confusing. So anyway, I was in the video that I was watching, which was just imagine like I'm not even like looking on a tablet, it's just full screen in my brain playing, but I'm from the camera's perspective.

And I see myself Run around doing some I don't know we were in like a house or something recording something and there was this lady that was Recording that I did not know this is blonde and she had extremely like thick curly hair looked exactly like ramen noodles You know like uncooked ramen noodles like blah blah blah as hair does more ramen than hair Anyway, so we're running around and then I slip and fall. I see myself slip and fall in the video and I smash the back of my head into a table. And I am like in pain in a way that I know I'm in pain, but I'm not in pain, if that makes sense.

But I'm seeing and I'm like, oh guys, stop recording. Stop recording and this lady just like gets closer and closer with the camera and like zooms in and I can see like the back of My head it's bleeding and the like the skull is cracked open I can see the inside of my head and she's just like still filming and I'm telling her like you got a star But Cory like you got a call hospital or something and then not only does she do that

She starts peeling away pieces of the back of my head like the skin flaps ripping them off Um, and I can feel it all by fucking stop like, I fucking stopped that! Rips more, rips more, until my brain is exposed. Reaches in, with the camera right here, pulls out what looks like this, like about, I don't know, three inches long, a gray, veiny sack of something. It looks like she literally just took some of my gray matter right out of my brain and pulled it out. And when she did that, when it was like when it was like it was like and then snap I Woke up and I've been having this thing where when I wake up from a nightmare if I look into say a sliver of light Through the door. I'll see letters and numbers suddenly go flying by it like maximum speed

I want to know if anyone else has that phenomenon like you're fully awake, and you know you're awake, and you see this Yeah, I'm awake And I look at the light and there's just letters and numbers flying by and like Like just a whole random assortment. The matrix is breaking my dude And usually it was only in a sliver of light when I woke up from this one and I felt like that thing snapped my Whole ceiling in the darkness was just covered in letters and numbers sprinting by this is all true. I'm not bullshitting I mean, it's not true that there were letters on my ceiling. I hate that a lot I really just dislike that very much.

But I don't know what that's about, but I remembered the dream, and I remembered it so specifically because at the very end of it, this lady fucking looked dead in the camera and looked right at me. That actually was my dream. And you know what I remembered? I had this exact same dream when I was a kid I remembered it so specifically because you know that gray veiny sack that I remembered being pulled out of my head I remembered because I was scared of that as a kid that's something my mom ate in her ramen it's a fish's egg sack and I remember

because I looked up a picture of that and it's so weird because I back traced it to my Nightmare as a kid and I'm like, oh fuck that's what that was of my nightmare when I was a child It was and that's why the lady and I said she had ramen like hair is because literally It's I've never had a dream be so literal of something like from my childhood It was this weird if you look look up like an edible fish egg sack, you might find this gray one that's been cooked. And it looks like what could be brain, but it's an egg sack. And she would eat that in her ramen, and that's why I had this dream.

And I've never had anything so li- yeah, it's awful. That doesn't look very edible. I don't know if I found the right thing, but hello. Hey, it looks like brain, right? It'll look like kinda no. Yeah. Yeah, it's very not pleasant Yeah, so if for everyone listening look it up at your own peril But I I literally had that dream as a kid not the exactly same of looking through a camera but in a similar way of Falling cracking my head open and having someone pull a piece of my brain out. That's- and I was like, oh

That's what that was! Who's the ramen and the fish egg in it? Oh Okay, so anyway, yeah, that's a dream ahead. When I was very young, like three, four years old, maybe even younger, my grandparents used to like have my cousin and I like take a bath together. And you know, we were really little, but like I had this image in my mind of like what a female body like looked like just based on being a kid.

And when we got to the point in life where we got health class, I remember like learning about, you know, the different anatomies between boys and girls. And it dawned on me like wait girls have babies How do they pee while there's a baby in there and then you know through health class? I was like, oh, okay. There's a separate tube for that So in my brain that meant there was a separate hole for that which meant like I thought you know at the

Between the I don't know in order to call this below the belly button I thought there was just a hole. Not the vagina, but just another hole. What? That girls peed out of. Like on the front of their body, just somewhere south of their belly button. Yes, like on the front of their bodies, there was just a hole. Sure, sure.

And even through health class, all the diagrams were always like internal images. They didn't just show you like the outside of a naked person. And so for some reason, I continued to believe that. And at some point in life, I did happen to see a naked person, and I was concerned. And I asked them, what happened to their pee hole? and they were very confused and the moon may or may not have been ruined by my wondering of why they didn't have a pee hole

if you can remember how exactly did you broach that? how did you phrase that question? And how old were you? You were, I assume, you know, making out and or doing whatever with like a girlfriend or whatever. When was this, Wade? I was a legal adult. Okay. I don't remember exactly how the conversation was broached. But I do remember, um, I was just looking and, uh, very confused because they looked more like a Barbie doll in the front than I imagined because I was like, I thought there'd be some kind of hole of some kind. Like, you know how on the tip of our- our penis there's like a hole that you pee out of? And I expected there just to be like on the lower part of their stomach just all

and it was mind-boggling to me I was like man they really concealed that and uh whenever it was explained to me how it all works I was very very embarrassed and I was embarrassing even telling that story but I was much much older than I should have probably been when I learned that did that person Explain that to you or did you did that just end that entire interaction and then subsequently? Somebody knows that person explained it to me that that was oh, that's very generous. Yeah I think that they found it. I don't know cute in a way that I was so fucking stupid Yeah, so yeah imagine imagine being in the mood and all ready to go and all of a sudden you stop to figure out that there's not a separate pee hole. Well what fascinates me is like, you know, the hole on the tip of a penis is very small, right?

So how big did you think this hole would be that you would like- how close were you looking? Like, did you really like it? Well when I realized there was no pee hole I looked even closer to fuck Without getting too graphic about it to that point in your life had used all manner of toilets And you had seen that men and women use the same toilets Did you ever imagine how a woman might have to sit on a toilet given your expectation of how their systems worked? I thought it was low enough. I thought it was pretty close. Uh-huh. The vaginal opening, right?

So I figured it was the same idea. I just figured they would pee instead of having like the fire hose like a dude. I figured it just like trickled down the front and just dripped off Okay, just just to be clear you know that like what you're too far off Let me just make sure you do know there is a pee hole. It's just not where you thought it was right Yes, he said that I know how it works I just thought it was more in front Higher up and visible Right, okay With the naked eye

Cause I didn't want this conversation and people listening at home being like Does Wade still not know that there's a pee hole in the vagina? No no no, I know how it works now Okay okay, just checking Believe me, I know But I thought that there was the belly button, the pee hole, and the vagina Right, yeah But you can visibly see all three

Well I mean yes that okay this is where I'm trying to clarify there is a belly button a pee hole and a vagina but if you're looking at a person straight on you don't just see like a hole right below their belly button her peeing okay if I pull up a diagram of a vagina can you tell me the urethra is a different thing. Yes, the urethra leads to a different hole than yes, I know but it's always contained in one area. It's not a separate hole. I feel like part of Wade's problem might just be that he learns really slowly. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right.

It could be! Not that you learn this too late in life, it's just that you are continuing to learn it as you continued to age and at some point that became unacceptable We are all learners Lifelong yeah, I think I'm doing a bad job explaining this No, I get it. I get it, but then you keep going a step further being like that does not there And I'm like it is it is there You know you don't just look below the belly button, just see just a hole. Right, okay good.

We're all good. I thought girls basically had two belly buttons. One was a belly button, one was a pee hole. Right, right, okay, okay, okay. Man, why don't we put more utility in our belly buttons? I feel like that's an overlooked resource that we can tap into. What utility? I would eat so much healthier if we could just open up our belly buttons. I feel like that's a like an overlooked resource that we could tap into. What utility? I would eat so much healthier if we could just open up our belly buttons and put in

like other foods. I would eat tacos. What utility would you put in your belly button? I don't know. Like it's another access point. It could be something, you know? I don't know. It's there. We might as well use it, right? How big is your belly button? It's not big, but it could be more capacious. Like everything could be enhanced. I'm sorry. Are you getting, are you going to stretch out your belly button. It's not big but it could be more capacious like everything could be enhanced. I'm sorry are you getting are you gonna stretch out your belly button with like people do when they gauge their ears? Oh god I'm gonna get- You can progressively larger belly button

gauges so you could fit more stuff in there. Yeah you see this see this my intestines in there. Or sexual sexual purposes you could have anal vaginal belly-al. you could have anal vaginal belly old boom I want you to tell me fuck me yeah no mark I like your idea of tummy fucking that's a lot of utility you're right You're right I'm giving you credit mark Anyone that's had to have a tube put into their throat like for breathing that's like a heavy smoker

Do you think they ever used that hole for you know breathing no fucking? I don't like that image at all Oh I don't like that image at all I'm imagining any any individual who has a I believe those are called stomas Yeah, I'm imagining you need to keep that fairly clean and not do it ever because Supposed to but that doesn't mean that But that doesn't mean that

You found this nerve for mark apparently making anything into something you have sex with it's just a big thing for mark Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, it's a big thing for me. I'm sure no one listening at home I don't want to hear about that. Tell me fucking Someone's stoma being improperly utilized. No, I don't want to hear it. Would your penis start being digested by stomach acid if you did that? I, what? Oh my God, Wade, please stop demonstrating how little you understand things. What?

Nevermind. God. Maybe you're assuming someone has acid reflux in this situation. I don't know. I, I'm not that, like I'm the kind of person where like I could touch my eye. I've worn contacts.

I don't know why, but like eye surgery and anything cutting or stabbing into an eye is just like nah Have I not shown you the video of my eye surgery? I'm good I wonder if I'm remembering it wrong too Maybe they're not as forceful as I think because like the patients never have any problem They're always just like am I good to go and it's like that must look a lot worse than it actually feels I didn't know you had a video of your eye surgery, Mark. Oh yeah, I know that. It was just LASIK, wasn't it? Yeah, it was the kind of LASIK smile is what it was.

It's where they do, they just do a, I don't have it on my computer right now. It's on my phone. Oh no, darn it, gosh. I'll play later. Well, yeah, all right, I'll find it. I'll do the phone show. No, wait, oh, we're busy. I'm gotta go then.

It's not that bad. It's just- Bob's saying no thank you. Yeah, yeah, no thank you. Well, too bad. just Bob saying no thank you yeah yeah no thank you well too bad the thing about no thank yous is sometimes you don't get a choice sometimes things are forced upon you just like this eye surgery where is it? Lasik looks very simple there it is you guys want to see it? I don't mind I mean I I sat in on eye. I feel like I was pretty clear about where I stand, but okay. Alright, there's my eye, right?

How's it staying so still? Uh, I think my head is locked in place. It's numbed and I'm very still. I'm very still. So he, the laser has already cut under my eye and then this is him going in through a tiny flap in the bottom and the way he's doing is like perforated paper he's detaching it. Oh good just a little scrapey scrapey. Yeah just a little detach-arony and then eventually it'll uh well I mean this goes on for like a minute but it's pretty quick like all things considered for like laser eye surgery it's just you go in he detaches it carefully and then pulls out the piece that was cut away

and then yoinks it all out. Here, I'll get to the yoinking. Oh, yay. I was afraid there wouldn't be any yoinking. Oh, actually here's a video of the laser actually cutting the pattern into my eye. It's, you're gonna catch just so, that's my eye and the gray is like the laser

like going over it and cutting beneath the surface. It's very cool. So it goes BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E But they didn't tell me they vacuum seal your eye to it anyway, so you couldn't move if you wanted to which I did Bob is dying. I love it. This is exactly what I was hoping we'd talk about here. We go here We go here's it yoinking out of my eye. You can say no. Thank you So they pulled that out and then he spreads it out to make sure he got like the full thing. He's spreading it out on your eye. Your eye is not a table. It's so he can look directly comparing to the outer edges of it so he can see the full thing.

It makes- It's so squishy. Yeah, it is. Where's all your eye goop? You don't have enough eye goop. You need more goop in there. It's not pressurized. You would hate to see a low pressure eyeball.

Just a deflating eyeball. Oh, he's just rubbing it. Ah there. It's not pressurized. You would hate to see a low pressure eyeball. Just a deflating eyeball Oh, he's just rubbing it. Ah He's cleaning He's putting an antibacterial ointment on the top of it. What does he get the wire brush to clean it? So it's real clean God Who goes into a public bathroom anywhere? God! Who goes into a public bathroom anywhere, but at a restaurant especially where you're presumably about to consume food and does whatever people do to get shit and pee everywhere?

Who does that? I don't know. Like what does your home bathroom look like? We've all seen those bathrooms but I don't know. What do you do when you visit your parents or your friends or what? Am I misunderstanding? Are there some people who just really go nuts in the bathroom and it's like an experience for them and it's not their fault because I worked at the Jimmy

Johns right across the street from college campus at the University of Cincinnati and we were open until like 3 AM and I always worked clothes on weekends while we were up until two. a.m. and I always worked clothes on weekends. When we were up until two, I don't know. I always worked until like three or four in the morning, Friday, Saturday nights. Cause I was one of the few people that worked at our store, cause it's a college store, who wasn't like such an unreliable stoner that they would just not show up half the time or otherwise, you know, would show up like drunk or something if they

worked on a Friday night. Because it's college kids and they're, they can't be trusted. Yeah. I would show up to work and do a reasonably good job. I wasn't always the happiest, because it was kind of a shitty place to work. But I did my goddamn job. But like, so, who, how, how does that happen? Do you think?

Like, ignoring the motivations, assuming someone's just absolutely drunk out of their mind How do you do that without getting it all over yourself, which is the more terrifying part to me? it's a skill it's an adult skill to learn how to use a bathroom and You know keep everything clean Make sure you wash your hands make sure that everything when you're done in the bathroom is nice and tidy. Kids aren't good at that. Well, what if that's a thing? What if they've never been taught? What if every time that person walks into the bathroom, they're just sweating bullets because they're gonna like,

alright, trying attempt number 328 and they just shotgun blast poop all over the walls and they're like, okay, that didn't work. Don't eat at Jimmy John's you dumb piece of shit. That's my answer to that. No, like I get that some people are just so drunk or whatever the high or something they're just like this is gonna be so funny. I can get them or whatever, but I just I never saw a person walk out of the bathroom smeared in their own shit. So they clearly know how to keep themselves clean I don't know man that was just like that still baffles me how how does that happen why would

that happen I can't imagine huh yeah all right I remember um we had a guy come in I used to work at the ice cream place in Cincinnati called United Dairy Farmers and I remember one day we had a guy come in he grabbed a straw from like our where where ice cream sits, and he went into the bathroom. And he was in the bathroom for what felt like 20 or 30 minutes. Oh no. And we're all like, what in the hell is he doing? Like who- what? That's not good. Dude walks out, doesn't buy anything, just leaves. I think we were busy at the time, so we didn't even actually realize that like he didn't buy anything till later. But uh, go the bathroom because we have to clean them every day and there's blood on the toilet seat there's blood on the mirror there's blood on the sink there's blood on the floor oh and I didn't know if I was supposed to call because it's a

blood like a biohazard so I'm looking all this blood I'm like do I mop it? Like what do I do with this? Like sure, I've had the occasional person shit on the seat, shit on the floor, piss everywhere, whatever like I've dealt with that, I've dealt with the dirty sink. I had never in my life walked in and felt like I was watching the fucking movie Carrie where there's just blood splattered all over the goddamn room. And this guy walked out perfectly fine. I don't know what he bled from. That's not good. Yeah I was wondering if he actually walked out perfectly fine. I don't know what he bled from Yeah, I was wondering if he actually walked out and you know, you didn't notice him and he just exploded in the middle of the bathroom Maybe some other guy walked out. No, he just bled everywhere and I just I didn't know what to do

So I just cleaned it up I put on some gloves and I just Scrubbed the fuck out of that bathroom like two or three times feeling Disgusted that I had no idea Why there was blood on so many different levels of so many different surfaces that it didn't even make sense where he could possibly be Bleeding from unless it was like his nose or something But even then you know the infomercials where it's like the guys carrying a bunch of Tupperware or like all the car washing stuff And he goes whoa whoa like this guy got a paper cut on his palm and just Slams into the mirror and slams onto the floor and slams into the ceiling

It was on the back of the toilet seat the sink it wasn't on the knobs or anything It was like on the side of the it was just it was so weird It looks like he intentionally was just like I'm bleeding better put it everywhere I mean, I have no idea only saw that guy the one time I don't know if he just went home and died or what the fuck happened to him But like he bled all over our bathroom and all he did was grab a straw and go to the bathroom That's so next level stuff. He must have taught all the poo people from Jimmy John's cuz There's a training course you can take

to how to be the biggest asshole at a restaurant or a fucking that would make more sense to me than people just behaving like that and thinking to themselves like oh it's okay oh man I'm struggling to see what the straw was for he just grabbed a straw and went in I thought drugs I thought like snorting cocaine or something I don't, but I have no idea It's a milkshake straw Maybe he snorted something and then it just didn't go in right and it just came back out and there was some blood and it Just went everywhere. Maybe it was like a nose volcano. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how drugs work

I've never done anything other than like drink alcohol So I don't know but you see like in the movies You know they'll grab like a little straw or something They're like it's a tiny straw they like snort like a line or something. Yeah, but this is a milkshake straw Oh, yeah, you'd need it to do a lot of drugs or something. I don't know that's weird No, that's that's what happens man. You take some drugs It starts gushing out of your eyes and all you can do is like try to keep them closed But they'll like swell up your eyelids will like fill and then you gotta blink eventually That's drugs man, but it feels great afterwards apparently so I've heard. Oh, yeah. No, it's so good

It's worth all the death dude the blood high. Oh, you can't beat it, man. It's just stellar That's not good kids don't do don't do that. Don't do any of that. Don't chase the blood high. The blood dragon's not worth it. Don't chase it. The blood dragon. Gotta get this blood monkey off my back. No, I got COVID from a hot tub. The hot tub wasn't wearing a mask? I think I mentioned, but maybe not, that we're getting a hot tub, which is very exciting. It's a thing.

Mandy had shoulder surgeries when she was sick, dude. What? The hot tub, because it got you sick. Yeah, but the timing of it came right at the shoulder surgery. Yeah, it was a little late. Anyway, sick, yes. So Mandy has had surgery when she was younger, has always had shoulder problems. And so we've always dreamed of having a hot tub because

sometimes she just is in pain, agonizing pain. And a hot tub soak would do a lot to help therapeutically. Yeah, it would be good for her shoulders. And I'm just sort of out of shape. So a hot tub feels really good when you're sore and out of shape. But anyway, we were at the place, we were at a showroom looking at things. We didn't know anything about hot tubs and we went to look and they had, apparently there are like two types. There's one that's more like a chlorine, kind of like a pool based where that's how you keep the water clean. And then there's one that's kind of like a salt water hot tub and I don't do salt water very well. The ocean, like if I get the ocean in my mouth,

makes me throw up. I don't like salt water. I'm very, I react very strongly to it. But the salt water hot tubs were like exactly what we wanted. And so I was concerned. I was like, well, I don't want to get a hot tub that has salt water in it. Cause salt water literally makes me puke and gag

and I hate it. And so I was like, but they have one. They had one that had the salt water in it on the floor. And I was like, well, have one. They had one that had the salt water in it on the floor. And I was like, well, I should just taste the water. And that way I'll know. I'll know if it's too salty. Cause the guy was like, Oh, well it's, wait, it's not the same level of salt as the ocean. And I was like, I like went over and I smelled it and I was like, I dunno, this is,

it smells kind of salty. And so ultimately I was like, I just have to, I just have to taste it. And then I'll know for sure before I commit to spending this money on a hot tub that I can, that that'll be okay. It won't be too salty. I'll be able to enjoy the hot tub even though it's got saltwater. So anyway, that happened. And literally the very next night I came down sick and it was COVID.

And I've since the last time we recorded I've had COVID the entire time until yesterday but I did get I got the tax lo of it or whatever and like I got I got better really quickly and so I'm lucky and it was fine it wasn't that bad of an illness or anything but I'm pretty sure I got COVID because I drank the public hot tub water. Well after you drink public salt water you should always go home and gargle salt water to cleanse your palate. But it was it was treated. The salt makes it clean, right? I don't think those are of a temperature enough to pasteurize anything. If anything, they're they're kind of like a bio cooker where more things. Oh, it wasn't hot at all either. It was set on like 90 degrees. It was like barely a hot tub because it was in there. You know, no one was using it, right? So

they need to be that hot. Yeah. Well, I don't know what's been in there, but apparently something. Well, Keeter's pooped on the floor the other day and I got the salt shaker and poured it on there and it just disappeared. Carpet was sparkly. What's happening? What salt made it clean? Why did the poop disappear? Because you sprinkled salt on it. He's being hyperbolic. No, no, no, it really happened. I'm telling you a real life story here about an illness and a very, a very dramatic experience

that I had. And I'm mocking you for thinking that salt made it clean and safe. Well that's the point. The only reason it's salt water is because that's the, that's the way it's chemically treated so that it doesn't get nasty. Also it had some sort of ozone treatment system in it and also some sort of UV thing that was supposed to also kill bacteria and viruses and but it was supposed to be clean man. Are you sure that you didn't get COVID from the people in the store?

They were all perfectly healthy and also very nice people. That's true you can always tell when someone is very sick with COVID. The healthy ones are nice. They wouldn't have done that to me is all I'm gonna say, okay? There was a mean guy in the corner. He was definitely sick. I get mean when I'm sick, so I assume anyway I don't know. It's probably not from the hot tub, but it just seems too conspicuous that I drank I drank Anonymous hot tub water and then I got sick for a week So I just would never think to taste how much did you drink is this Is this just like you dip a finger in your mouth or a whole?

I didn't like drink the whole head, but I took I was like and took like a little I aerated it, right? You have to get like a tasting wine. No, no. This gives me the heebie jeebies. I don't like it. It's there were no people ever in that hot tub. It's a showroom hot tub.

It's as clean as a hot tub gets, you know, as soon as they put the clothes side on the door, they all stripped down and hop in the hot tub. It's a showroom hot tub. It's as clean as a hot tub gets. You know, as soon as they put the closed side of the door, they all stripped down and hop in the hot tub. It's in the middle of a warehouse that's got windows on all sides. Yeah, but if it's closed, you're not gonna go looking at a warehouse window. That's boring. I don't know what kind of dungeon hot tub shop you went to,

but my mind's got like a jail cell. Like guards behind the player wall. Look, they were nice people. They wouldn't do that to me. Plus, if you think about it right, it's not even that gross. It's like I drank people's soup. Did you mistakenly read the sign? It wasn't the hot tub. It was the cough tub.

Whenever you're sick, you go over there, you cough into it until it fills up. That's the COVID head washing tub. Anyone who's sick, you wash your hands in this tub and then you can touch whatever you want. We recycle here. See the hospital next door, their runoff comes down the hill and we just catch it in this tub.

It's wonderful. Then we sprinkle in some table salt, some cinnamon. Very safe, very clean. It's not, we didn't get like the most extravagant hot tub in the world, but it's still a lot of money, okay? And I didn't want to... Did you get the salt one? Yeah, we got the salt one. I didn't want to spend all that money because the salt one had all the features that we wanted and it was very comfortable. You could climb into them, but they didn't have water in them because we had clothes on, but they were, you could sit in them, right? And you could be like, oh, this is

comfy. Look, this is where my legs will go and there'll be water. It'll be up to here. And you can imagine. And, but I was like, I died not spending all this money on a saltwater The hot tub it because I I don't want to throw up in my own hot tub So I had to taste it. It makes sense. How okay? How did it taste? It tasted kind of like unflavored Gatorade You know, like how salty like sports drinks are they're like a little salty. Yeah, I guess so Yeah, it was like that level of like it's like a a touch salty but it's not like ocean salt water salty. All right we've woken up it's early morning this is the first activity we do after getting out of bed this is very important because this I believe sets the tone of what you're going to do for the rest of the day there's many things you could do in this time

but it's a very small period of time to take advantage and prepare yourself for the day to come. What is the best thing to do immediately after waking up in the early morning? If I may, it's simple. You look at your phone and see what time it is, go fuck that and go back to sleep. Oh, man. Old strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off. Wait, you know what, maybe Bob, you go. I'll go after you this time. Let me steal your idea, get points for it. Here you go. I have an answer for this one too, and it's one word. Okay.

Dumpies. Interesting. I think we all know what it means. I don't know if it needs, I think it stands for itself. Is that another word for coffee? Because I'm not a coffee drinker. No, I hate coffee. I don't drink coffee. Dumpy. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta plop some logs, man. That's the best way to get going. Ah, to build your house. Like a Lincoln log. You could build things with that, I guess.

It's poop, Swaden. We don't have to talk about. Oh, I'm a night shitter. You really? Night shitter. Whoa, really? Oh, yes. Oh, I wake up two or three times a night to pee,

but I do not shit in the morning. No, I do not shit in the afternoon. I'm a night shitter. Oh, I thought you were like midnight. Oh, exclusively? Yeah, that's weird. Well, okay. Well, though, I guess sometimes like there's afternoon poopies, but typically it's like around dinnertime Are you like a once a day? I'm just like we're talking about something here. What do you do? I do wipe front to back. Is that good? Yes. Yes, that is good

How does every episode get down to the specificities of our biological functions? I'm gonna- Do you use the single sheet folded or do you roll it up? I don't wanna hear anything more. I take three to four sheets. Excellent, excellent. Which is a little excessive,

but not as excessive as some people. We'll slowly fade them out in the background and play some elevator music in the meantime. And do you go through the middle or do you go around the side when you're reaching around to do? Do you use wet wipes? Do you have wipeys? No, but sometimes if I'm feeling really ambitious, I'll wet the toilet paper. Dry, dry, wet, back to dry, then you're spotless. All right. Now that we have the perfect dumpy, now that no one had to hear that, I'm going

to exclude biological necessities from this list. Does that include like eating grooming? You know? No, it doesn't include cleansing yourself. It's going to the bathroom. We're really just going to assume you fit that in here and there as needed because everyone's different. Wait my schedule's packed Yeah, it's an important ritual you gotta make time. Yeah, but that's different for everybody But we're gonna assume it's one as well because I don't want to hear about it Okay, now who amongst you any of the three of you who can do a better impression? Huh? Is there a third person? I thought I thought I saw another I thought I saw another person in here. Where? Oh they're gone. Anyway all right it may it may be

difficult it may be difficult all right hold on is the whole thing one animal? Yeah no that's goats. That's a goat sound like I got that one Holy shit, I have to do an impression now is that right you could also abstain if you don't want to BLEEEE! BLEEEE! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E I think Wade gets it for the horrified scream and the discrepancy between the two. It truly is BWAAAAAAA I can't even do it. He did great. All right, Wade. You want a hard one? Oh boy, do I This might gross people out but I used to have EWW

a wart here and I took a pair of tweezers and toenail clippers and I cut it and tore it and ripped it out What the fuck? That's not what you're supposed to do with that. No, but I was like in high school and I for some reason, here was my thought process. I was like, listen, I'm pre-law. I want to shake a lot of important hands one day and what if they're left-handed and they touch my wart and they're grossed out and I ruin a relationship. So I've got to get rid of this. I better do it now. I could probably just cut it off. And so I did. Wouldn't recommend anyone do that.

I'm sorry for the uneasiness I probably just caused, but I did literally just- This is a horrible, horrible- I did literally do that to myself. Did you have any bad fallout from that? And also, did it hurt? No, I ran the tweezers under the tap before I started digging in.

So it was very clean. Oh, perfect. All right, cool. Good, I was worried started digging in so it was very clean. Oh perfect. All right cool I wanted a sterile environment for my surgery dodge that cannonball. It was very painful I will say it was very painful to do that was maybe a sign from your body about what you were doing Your body was all whoa. Whoa. Hey, what and you were doing. Your body was all, whoa, whoa, hey. Well, and you were like, shut up. Wasn't taking no for an answer for my body on that when I was like, it's going

and there's nothing you can say or do. I think you betrayed your body at that point. I'm pretty sure you're the traitor. Yeah, no, that's, that's, that's you. That's definitely a betrayal on your part. That's right. Yeah, I did that and I feel kind of bad about it. I've got a doozy for you guys.

So you remember a long time ago, this event occurred that is really, really memorable for a lot of people where Chica, when I first got her pooped on the floor and the Roomba spread it everywhere. Right. So yesterday Chica was home. We weren't gone long, but apparently she had some upset stomach. And this happens, you know, it does happen. She pooped in the house, but she just so happened and I have to show you a picture and do not put this on the-

Fix-a-lated. But I gotta show you guys a picture because it'll tell the entirety of this story and it just doesn't make any sense how this occurred. I have lunch on the way Wait, what she pooped on a thing that was off the ground and it got on my Vision Pro Dude you could really see shit You can really see shit. How did she poop there? I don't know! It's not me! The Vision Pro is not on the ground. It's on, like, it's on a case for my lights that is on the ground.

Like, it's- it's- I don't understand how this curd- It doesn't make any sense. How could she have pooped on my Vision Pro? Why? Her poops have values seeking sensors built into the tip. They'd go for whatever the most expensive thing that's reachable is. It's legitimately like, I can't think of a single thing that is more valuable, monetary-wise, not emotionally-wise, more valuable than that, anywhere, close to the floor. Even the computer that I'm doing this on costs less than that thing, and that's, you know, I get it. That's not a good thing. I'm not trying to be like, oh, woe is me.

It's just like, it's so bizarre that that thing would be the thing that would get poop on it. Her ass has expensive taste. It sure does. It sure does. We're here to save people out there the most money possible. I'm here for it. That's the smart one. We're gonna start off, Wade. How can I lower my water bill? Spit, we produce a lot of it.

Sometimes you have more than you want. So what do animals do to clean themselves? So you don't need to use water if you've got saliva. And if you're thirsty, bring someone else's saliva. If they're just gonna spit spit out or waste it anyway Just take a bite on top of that. Can I throw in a little bonus here? I'll let Bob go first you save your bonus Way that has the right idea, buddy pick the wrong liquid. Oh

No, it's what you think You don't make a lot of spit comparatively to the amount of piss that you make oh if you want the volume to be able to do a load of dishes fill up your mobile laundry machine so you can run some laundry top off a water bottle how long do you think it would take you to see you spit to top off 24 ounce water bottle hours days it might not even be possible how long does it take to pee out 24 out 30 seconds depending on how much you save up if you save it you might have 24 ounces in one go that's a lot that's maybe not realistic but like one or two pisses a day you got a full water bottle you just

drink that right down plus the water bottle keeps it warm, which is nice. It's like tea, tea of the body, crotch tea. Ah, man, all of those names are terrible. Wait, please rebut. I don't know that urine has many good things for you because it's your body trying to get rid of it whereas spit, I mean, it's already right there in your mouth. So you know it's meant to be there.

I think spit also like helps in the digestion process. So like maybe it'll get your metabolism up. So you'll have a better metabolism from having more varieties of spit in your body at any given time. I don't know, it's just fun. Sometimes it's like real wet. Sometimes it's kind of sticky.

You never really know what kind of spit you're gonna get. Sometimes like you wake up and you've got like the stringy spit and it's like a play thing on top of everything else Do you have a toy and a nice beverage and a food breakie downy all at once? Spits just fun I you know what I love that. That's an excellent slogan. I'm gonna throw up. It's just fun Can I share my bonus thought with you real quick? I don't want points for this. I just want to share it You might not get it, but who knows? I'm thinking about like chewing on food, right?

Like we have the spit in our mouth, but like chewing on food wears down your teeth over time, but you know what? Kids chew up food and then like their teeth, they eventually get adult teeth, so they lose their kid teeth. What if you had your kids chew your food for you and then they're wearing down their baby teeth,

so you're protecting your adult teeth longer. So you can have like the liquid and the solid safe. I feel like that's just totally unrelated to what we're talking about, but. All right, so man, I was not. Would you like a different idea, Mark? I'll get away from recycling your own bodily fluids. How about that?

I've got a different idea. Oh man, I guess if we could keep saving money, I suppose, but the time ran out. I've got, we've got so many other bills uh but you throw it out it just won't be worth points you want to save water on uh money on water everyone around you is constantly flushing water literally down the toilet where's that water going why not into your collecting tanks smack a lifestraw on that bad boy and boom clean water

that's true septic tanks are really just big water bottles. Yeah they're just underground water sources waiting to be tapped. I don't want to tap into my septic tank thank you. So the other day I was doing a stream my friend Patrick had his birthday yesterday but he did a stream Sunday we were playing what was it called not over cooked the other cooking one. Undercooked, side cook cook legend of the hidden cook played up Okay, I don't know how we got here But we got to a point where he said something about

Cheesing me or something because he was trying to make tacos and that led him to think of a character I don't know how good this image is gonna look to be very small here, but I'm gonna share a character with you I'd like you to meet Dickachu from the hit movie stroke-a-mon. Oh I get you I see where this is going Is this for mark smash or pass video or it could be how about? Spong knob oh I don't like how dirty his holes are. Oh, yeah That's that's really unpleasant to look at.

And actually, it looks like someone really worked hard on that costume, but no. Spongenobe, I'm assuming Sandy Cheeks kept her name. Yeah, that one kind of works. That one doesn't need any adjustment. He's motioning at his tie for some reason. Oh yeah, his tie, yep. Don't scroll any lower. Nope, stop, hold on. Reason oh yes, yes tie up don't scroll any lower. No stop

I just had the whole podcast flash before my eyes. Thankfully. I had this image saved I know we could blur that in post, but don't hey yeah listen editors from here on out We're gonna play we're gonna play podcast roulette. You just don't sense her anything ever You just don't censor anything ever in this episode. Don't you dare. It's just like Ethan getting banned for showing up a vagina on screen for like a minute. Did you see that? No. Oh, I sure did.

Did you see what JP tweeted at him? No. Hey, at least you don't have an excuse to not find it now or something like that. Yeah, yeah. So Bob, he was going Wikipedia, like hide and seek, whatever it's called. I don't remember. You, you try to go from one topic to another through hyperlinks only. So he's trying to go from something to clitoris. And so he,

he gets to clitoris and he's like, yes, I did it. And then he looks away. I don't know what he's doing, like on his phone or something. And it's Wikipedia. So the image for the article is just a vagina, some lady spreading her legs, like an actual lady spread leg shaved. And it's like, there's like a circle, you know, where the clitoris is, and a zoom in, it's like, it's this close up, and it's a closer picture of just the clitoris.

And he's just like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Off to the side, the chat's like exploding by like, Ethan, Ethan, no! Ethan! Ethan! And then 30 seconds go by and he's like, oh no! And the slowest scroll you've ever seen down,

just like, ah, ah! And he scrolls down to another anatomical drawing of the clitoris. He doesn't like close it. He's like, thank God I'm still safe on this clitoris page. And I get that there's nothing obscene about anatomical. To be fair, that's like sciency. That's pretty sciency.

But it's like there are certain Wikipedia pages that are just straight on, I bet the page for penis is just a big old penis. That's very, very Ethan-y. I'm going to be telling you a story about young love, about a first job, about excitement over the possibility of sitting near a girl in high school, about overcomplicated plans that end hilariously and also quite terrifyingly in both failure and near-death experience, and the hard-to-explain series of decisions that led me and my high school best friend to almost kill a girl completely by accident. Where did this begin? My high school best friend Dave and I were hanging out in his basement doing the thing, the only thing that we did other than video games.

Oh no. Work at our part-time jobs. No, not that. Oh. No, not that. Oh, which was play ping pong and lament about girls. And recently Dave had begun working at a new job at the movie theater, which is a great job. So a lot of free movies, thanks to Dave, but a lot of people go to the movie theater. And while we're playing ping pong, hanging out,

he gets a text from one of his coworkers that this girl, the girl that he currently like would not stop talking about, Jessica, was seeing a movie, had just walked in, gotten her tickets, and one of our creepy friends at the movie theater was like, hey, hey, she's here, and sent him a text. And so we got this information, right? You guys had a whole team on this. Yeah, well, it's hard to date, okay? We gotta have a lot of... It takes a lot of effort. I'm trying to keep track of everything. There's Jessica just walking in. What is the name of this creepy friend?

Can we call him like, I don't know, Kyle or something? Kyle's about right. All right. I'm pretty sure Kyle works at the movie theater and sweeps up the popcorn after the movie's over. Yeah, you know what? That can be confirmed there. Every movie theater has a Kyle.

So we have decreed. Not only is Jessica, my friend's love interest, seeing Jessica my friends love interest seeing a movie She's seeing a movie with a friend Who is the girl that I myself at that point in time would not shut up about it's perfect, right? What's your love interest name in this Melissa? Yeah, what's the name Melissa? Okay, Jessica Melissa My best friend's love interest is that the movies with her best friend my love interest It's a love quadrangle quad. How do you say that word quadrangle? I'm sure I think it's just a square I ain't parallelogram could be anything could be you're right. Trafford is a parallelogram

But a parallelogram does not have to be a square ain't that the truth ain't that the truth you and your friend do sound like squares In this go ahead. Haha Anyway, we've got all the information now. The plan is obvious, right? Do you not see how this has to play out? Clearly, what we had to do was, step one, gather a posse, obviously. So we gathered the boys, if you will, our other friends.

So gang hit, got it. Yep. We had to rush to the grocery store to pick up some flowers and chocolates. We head to the theater to stake out the car and then ambush them with love and appreciation as they exit the theater to get into their vehicle and drive back home. This brings us to act two, obviously, the preparation. Now it's time to take action. There's a time clock on this.

We know which movie they're seeing, when it was, how long the movie is. Our posse of friends that we gathered are Stevens. One named Steven with a V, one named Steven with a PH. So there's four of us. We pile into my friend Dave's Honda Civic, and this next part plays out like an action movie. This is why the posse needs to be here, right?

You gotta keep the car running. You gotta have logistics. You gotta have people in charge. So Dave and I are in the front seat. Stevens are in the back seat. And there, we're like driving, totally following the speed limit, totally being safe. We're driving to the grocery store

and the Stevens are in the back. One of them we call Steven and one of them is Steve, which helps differentiate, but also is sort of indicative of their personality. Steve is the gossip. Steve is the one like texting updates with Kyle, like did they leave early? No, okay.

Like keeping the subjects in sight, keeping our intel fresh. Steven is the one staring at his watch on the minute every minute is like, oh, 28 minutes, 28 minutes from right now, we need to be in that parking lot. That'll give us 15 minutes to find the car, find a spot, get a good angle. And he's sitting there just staring at his watch,

just waiting. So we get to the grocery store. We run into the store. We've never bought this stuff before. Neither of us realized until we got inside, we're losers, right? We haven't really dated people to this point. Never bought flowers for someone or chocolates

Never gone to the part of the store that's set up for desperate losers trying to impress a girl sort of area Don't know where that is. So you she bought chocolates flowers and a 50 pack of condoms. I'm guessing Magnum XL's baby standards. Yes, absolutely Magnum XLs, baby. Standards, yes, absolutely standards. Extra small. Extra small Magnum. Finally, after running around the store, looking like weirdos, we're fully loaded,

chocolates, flowers, extra small condoms, we're ready to go. The movie theater is not super far away, but we're back in the car, and it's like, all right, eight minutes to the theater, and we're about five minutes away, everything's on time. Stephen is happy. Steve is updating us, they're still in the movie,

everything is fine, Kyle has not seen them go to the bathroom He is watching them like a hawk I don't know if I'd be honored someone liked me that much or if I'd be really weirded out or creeped out I don't know how I'd feel well You don't need to worry about it because no one's that obsessed with you. Can you Bob? I could answer for you definitively when it's creepy. But anyway is creepy. So act three the payoff the action We're here. Yeah, this is going to sound worse than it is.

Dave happens to know which car is theirs. That doesn't sound too bad. He knows which car his beloved Jessica drives. And uh... His beloved... That sounds worse than knowing which car they drive. Go ahead, go ahead, his beloved Joan. And so we go, we're scouting, we find the car, we circle around,

we find an angle where we can park the Stevens so they can kind of see the action, you know? Because they've been with us this far. You don't want to leave the Stevens parked off in the corner somewhere like a-holes. You want them to be able to witness your great success that is about to happen all this effort that we've put into coordinating this massive effort so yeah we get everything situated we're sitting in the car it's like a perfect like TV show thing where it's like from our car it's sort of like through one row there's a perfect little window between the parked cars and a light literally it's nighttime it's like

a weekend evening in the dark dark night, their car, an orange car by the way, has a beacon on it. Like at this bright focal point. But uh, basically we get the Stevens all set up. And then at some point Dave and I are like, okay, well we don't want to just be sitting here. If they come out earlier than we think or something, or maybe we with the timing off, we don't want to like get out of our car and run at them. That's terrifying. Someone jumps out of a vehicle and charges you and run at them. That's terrifying. Someone jumps out of a vehicle and charges you in the parking lot. That's like a kidnapper or something right? That's bad. So we're like, well, casually with our huge bouquets of flowers and oversized

boxes of chocolate, get out of our car and sort of, sort of skulk, I guess is the word I would use to describe it. Sort of pick a spot where they can't see us, because it's a surprise, obviously. They can't see us coming out of the theater. We're hidden. Turns out that light bleeds a lot. It shows a lot of area. So I think we were like, oh, we'll pick a discreet spot.

It'll be fine. Luckily, the car that the girls are driving is this big truck sort of thing, like an SUV. It's tall, it hides us pretty well. I think if a family that was going to see a Pixar movie drove past this location in the parking lot that night, they would have looked off to the side and seen me. I was as big as I am now then. A huge six foot four big dude with his very short friend standing in the middle of a parking lot with like some stuff

like obviously holding something I guess flowers maybe but like if you drive by that how bad does that look yeah if I drove by that I would think there were some shenanigans afoot we'd go to a different theater I'm looking back on this though right and I don't feel good about this choice specifically of all the choices we made this choice to lay in wait for what was essentially, I guess, our prey. To jump out at two unsuspecting people. This is a questionable plan. No, this could only lead to true love.

Yeah, well, maybe it did. Maybe one of these girls is actually Mandy. Oh! Look, so we're standing here. It was probably like maybe 10 minutes, which is a long time to lurk in a parking lot. But we're standing there and it feels like forever, right? It's a combination of feeling kind of uneasy about where we are, the choices we've made, how this looks, but also we're about to ask a girl on a date, which is terrifying.

Like it's as for high school me, I had never really done that. It's not successfully done that. And it was like, it was a lot. And we're standing there like, you know, hearts of flutter, murder muscles really getting warmed up. So we're waiting forever. And finally, peeking through the, you know, you can sort of look through the windows of a car, peeking around the edges, lurking, if you will.

Finally, they round the corner from the front of the movie theater. I will say this is the back parking lot of the movie theater, not the front one where like everyone goes. This is like the cool back one is less foot traffic, less witnesses. So they're coming. They're making their way to the back parking lot. You know, we sort of huddled. We're like, they're coming. They're coming. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And we're looking at each other.

And Dave and I collectively, we have this conversation that's like, don't jump out too early. Don't don't give them any warning. Make sure they're nice and close so they Can't run you know They get close enough and And and and we're like yeah, that's the plan. That's the plan obviously obviously all of this is obvious

They're finally they get close enough Jessica's digging for her car keys that sort of finally arrived at the car and we're like yes And we take our big step out from behind the car Presenting the flowers so proudly and I think everyone knows what their reaction is Oh, you shouldn't have sure well then maybe that came later their initial reaction is actual terror Like actually maybe we're here to grab them and run away or something or take their purse and punch them in the face.

They look terrified, which is not surprising from this perspective. Dave and I are taken aback by their terrified look and we're like, no, wait a minute, this is a perfect plan. This isn't scary, this is charming. We're expressing how much we care about them. They should be blown away with love and Entrancement that a word. Yeah

Yeah entrapment. I think you're getting there. Yeah. Well, so they look scared Dave and I look at each other and realize like oh You know what? Maybe there were some flaws, but we're here. We've done it. It's a surprise Everything will be fine But at this point like Melissa's kind of like scared but realized that it's us and it's probably fine Jessica doesn't look scared anymore, but she looks like she's having trouble. Like she looks like she might faint or collapse and Unbeknownst to us despite the amount of love in his heart for this person Dave had no idea and I had no idea because I didn't know her very well. Jessica has a serious heart condition.

She's a serious, I don't know what the medical condition is, but she has a serious heart health condition and extreme surprises are bad for her and may cause her heart to stop beating. So anything that's a terrifically shocking, jarring, terrifying is potentially deadly to this person. Hmm, okay. And so we didn't know that. And we don't know how to help. So she just sort of begins having cardiac distress

and having trouble staying conscious. And she's the only one who knows at this point, she needs to reach into her bag and get a bottle of medicine to take one of the pills that she has with her in case this comes up. But like, and I don't know, I imagine her friend who was with her probably had some clue since they're best friends maybe,

but like Dave and I are just standing there staring at this girl dying in front of us. I'm not really sure. And our nerves and excitement about asking these girls to go on a date turned suddenly suddenly to actual terror on our parts. We don't know what happened, but apparently, we've scared a person to death. Why would you be worried? That wasn't...

I've been telling it. Listen, I've been setting it up like, oh, it's a joke, we're going to kill this girl or whatever. We didn't mean to kill anyone. Jesus Christ. Believe it or not, based on the plan that we hatched and the decisions we made to execute that plan, our ultimate goal was not to kill this person. It was to secure a date or maybe a double date. I feel like I'm watching a fucking true crime episode explaining how they got

started no no I see the detective piecing all the evidence together and they lurk no they skulked outside by the car with flowers for their grave didn't mean to kill anybody but we found we had a real taste for it so this is happening she reaches into her bag somebody has a bottle of water takes We didn't mean to kill anybody, but we found we had a real taste for it. So this is happening. She reaches into her bag. Somebody has a bottle of water, takes medicine. After maybe a solid five to seven minutes of like terror and staring and waiting by me and Dave, everyone is fine.

Jessica's fine. Melissa is pretty pissed off. She's fine. And so like everyone's fine. There's four of us standing there in the middle of this parking lot. By the way, the Stevens must have had a hell of a show. I'm a little surprised they didn't come running out of the car. We'll try to figure out or like hop in the front seat and drive away.

I don't know what the Stevens were doing or coming up with their alibi as you're out there like, OK, OK, they kidnapped us to nobody saw us at the grocery store with them. Maybe we were at home. Maybe we were in my basement. They knew about the heart condition the whole time. They wanted this to happen. Yeah, I don't know, but they must have had a hell of a show. So the four of us are standing there.

So everything's fine. Everyone's alive. At this point, Dave and I are like, okay, everyone's good. Let's do what we came here for. The moon is set. Everything has gone according to the plan. It's time to ask these girls on a date. I will say, I will release a little more context at this point.

My friend Dave and his interest, Jessica, have some history at this point. They have not dated, but I think she is aware that he likes her, and he likes her and he thinks that maybe she likes him back between me and Melissa. It's a much more unspoken amount of interest, utterly unspoken. How much I know her and have seen her at like parties or, you know, in band practice. I've seen her interact with other people.

I may have talked to her directly once prior to this interaction. So mine was a real shot in the dark. Mine was like, you seem cool, you seem awesome, I like you, maybe you like me. But Dave's is like a real, I think this has a shot, I'm gonna ask this girl out finally. So everyone's alive, everyone calms down a little bit. Dave looks into Jessica's eyes and is like, hey, we've been hanging out a lot. I think you're really cool. We have a really good time together.

You know, I know this didn't go, I was hoping this would be more surprising and romantic and not like death defying and terrifying. But like, you know, look, I just, I wanted to ask you on a date. Like I got you these flowers and these chocolates. You can have those. That's just a gift.

I just wanted to ask you if maybe we could go out and have dinner. Like he really nice. David's a sweet guy. Yes, they're out. Super nice. And she takes the flowers and sort of looks down and very thoughtfully. She's like, you know what? I do have fun with you, but I think we're just friends, you know, like the classic

let down and it's really, it's a big bummer, but that was always an option. And she was super nice about it. And, uh, and so that all, it's a big bummer. But that was always an option and she was super nice about it and so that all plays out and now it's my turn. So this is all happened and I looked directly at Melissa and I'm like, I hold out the flowers and the chocolate silently and I look at her and I'm like, you date? And she doesn't take the flowers or the chocolate.

She doesn't say anything. She blocks eye contact with me, slowly shakes her head no, and then just proceeds to get her friend into the car so they can leave. So, not equivalent responses, but not equivalent pretext between the two interactions. I don't think Melissa's treatment of me was particularly unfair. Could have been nicer. Yeah, given the situation, I think she was definitely overreacting to everyone. Yeah, I don't blame her for, you know, maybe being a little taken aback and angry at me

directly about what had happened just then. It's not like she was the one who was dying on the ground. Yeah, she was fine. Yeah, she was fine. who was dying on the ground. It's not that. She was fine. Yeah, she was fine. She was fine the whole time. And the one who was dying sent the other person into the friend zone. You're not even in the friend zone, which is better?

Yeah. Good? It's good! It's like you circle back. Yeah. Give another shot. Yeah, it's not too late. We can plan it out.

Anyway, two shots fired, no dates acquired. Mm-hmm, okay. Chocolate. but does that qualify as attempted murder who could say mark is either gone or sitting very still hello he's thinking hello hello I was try simple and mark how many fingers hello oh wait I know how to fix this mark how many fingers hello I texted you hello you know what Bob I'm gonna give you a good internet point. Thanks! That seems fair.

Hello? They tried to take me out. It didn't work. The world government. Oh, sweet fucking Jesus. No, no. Not again. Ah! Hello?