Two In The Think Tank - 184 - Roman Emperor Caligula (and his crazy antics)

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

Rome's third Emperor Caligula was arguably its craziest. It turns out being sex obsessed, violent, rich and all powerful isn't a great combination for the leader of the world's most powerful empire. From declaring war on the ocean to declaring himself a living god... He really had a lot of crazy antics.Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/Submit-a-Topic Details about the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival in Thailand in June: dogoonpod.com/eventsTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] tickets to Matt's stand up show (at the Sydney Comedy Festival) with the early bird discount code: dogoon via mattstewartcomedy.com/gigs  Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://omny.fm/shows/bookcheatPrime Mates: https://omny.fm/shows/prime-mates Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasSources/Further Reading: Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everybody, Jess and Dave, just jumping in really quickly at the top here to make sure that you are across all the details for our upcoming Christmas show. That's right, we are doing a live show in Melbourne Saturday December the 2nd, 2023, our final podcast of the year, our Christmas special. It's downstairs at Morris House, which usually be called the European beer cafe. On Saturday December the 2nd, 2023 at 4.30pm, come along, come one, come all, and get tickets at doogawonpod.com. At Nordstrom, you can shop the best holiday gifts for everyone you love.

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consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession-resistant career and a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including the GI Bill. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnakie and I'm

here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Hey Dave, you know what, a while ago you said you wrote tape between saying Jess or me first, but you've got an algorithm of saying Jess first every time. Hey, you're, there's going to be a six month solid of you coming up. Don't worry. In my mind, you're even, well, you will be even in six months. When I do 26 in a row, introducing Matt first. That sounds exhausting. It's hard.

Why are you bother? Oh, no, I really shouldn't introduce either of you. Just, just, just do it myself. Yeah. Can we go? I don't know if you've noticed I've always introduced myself first. Yeah, you do do that. Yeah. It would be weird if I said, well, I'm going to do it myself. Yeah. Can we go? I don't know if you've noticed I've always introduced myself first. Yeah, you do do that. Yeah.

It would be weird if I said, welcome to do go on. I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. And I'm Dave Warnocky. That's okay, actually. Yeah. Yeah, that's not weird at all. Do that.

Start again. I'm not talking too much. Hello and welcome to another episode of do go on. I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. And guess what? I'm Dave Warnocky. Oh, that feels right. Yeah, I like that. Finally, cracked wouldn't just Perkins and guess what, I'm Dave Warnicky. Oh, that feels right. Yeah, I like that.

Finally, cracked the code. Yeah, order of most important down a day. Perfect. Hey, we're back. We're feeling fresh. That's right, we had a few weeks at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. We only released a couple of those episodes, but we did four live ones, thanks to everyone that came along to those.

A lot of fun. A lot of fun. And everyone who didn't come along, what the fuck? What the hell? Yeah, and grow up. You might be like, read a book. But I live in Greenland, well guess what? We had dozens of people from Greenland come along.

Dozens. Yeah, really? Did you not notice that Greenland seemed a little quiet a few weeks ago? Did you not notice that? One third of their population was at our show. Can you, did you not notice that? One third of their population was at our show. Did you not notice Greenland? Yeah. Oh, where's my mum and dad gone?

Yeah, well they're at the pub. They're at the pub. They're at the pub. They're at the pub. Come on. But we genuinely did have a lot of people from Interstate and a few people from overseas make it all the way to Melbourne

for the Melbourne Comedy Festival that hang out with us and a few other comedians as well. But that was very nice. It was a real last time. So thanks to all those legends. We learned, we laughed, we loved. Who'd you love? I love Veggie Mart.

Yeah. Maybe you have been eating Veggie Mart much since last week's episode about Veggie Mart. When I wrote the report, I was eating Veggie Mart and that was because the report made me hungry for Veggie Mart. But I'll let everyone in on a little trick here. Uh oh, here we go. I think Marmites Fine as well. Oh, you made an audience boo!

I think I'd like anything, if it's black and if it's sticky, get it on a bicky and then in a mameo. Wow, like Ashfall? Yep. Before it's set, yeah. Yeah, and it's pro-mort, vegan mart, I saw recently at a cafe. Interesting. Yeah, I don't know what's, I would have thought they're all vegan. I said, but I should look into that, I guess. Before we make

accusations. Yeah, I've made a move. I feel like an idiot now. Wild accusations. Distance myself from that comment. So it's heating up in here. I cannot handle this. Sorry, everybody. What a controversial podcast. But before we crack into it, Matt, you've got to controversially tell us about your Sydney comedy festival. Oh, yes. So I mean, we're about, our next live show is in Thailand.

Maybe we'll mention that in a second. But before that, I'm going up to Sydney for the Sydney comedy festival doing only three shows. They're on May 16th, 18th and 19th. And you can find out details about that at matstjewacomity.com slash gigs. And the discount code of do go on, I believe works for that. And that should be a lot of fun. Apparently, it's a pretty small room three nights only. So hopefully you can sell them all out. Maybe you could be there and you could be there and you could be there. And I was pointing at you whoever's listening right now. All three times. Oh, the last one. The first two were at Chief Clancy Winkum. These are characters from the same name. Can you? Oh yeah, I guess I'll try my best.

It's my job. Oh, great. Well, we can come along to that. And it's just the final time you've been doing the show. Yes, I believe so. At least for a long time anyway. And then chuck it in the bin. Yeah, and we start again.

Yeah. What a crazy life you live. You finally got it. Exactly how you want it. Now put it in the bin. Get rid of it. Never do it again. No, it's a well-old machine by this time. So I definitely suggest anyone who's in Sydney go along to that. Exactly how you want it. Now put it in the van. Get rid of it. Never do it again.

No, it's a well-old machine by this time. So definitely suggest anyone is in Sydney, go along to that. And you did just allude to we are going to, in about six weeks, the Cosmere International Podcast Festival. And let me just, well a few people out there. Is this a joke?

No. We are genuinely doing something. Some people were a bit surprised when we announced it a couple of months ago. And it's coming up close, but there is still time if you want to come along. Basically, the deal is because we're going with the Little Dum Dum Club

because they've booked out many, many rooms at a resort. The already cheap prices are even cheaper over there. So basically thinking, I don't know if I can afford it. I'd suggest just look into it because it might be cheaper than you think. And you get to hang out with us and a bunch of other podcasts listeners at a resort in Thailand.

On the beach. The podcasts are literally done on the beach. You're sitting in deck chairs in the sand. I've seen photos. Yeah, they build a little stage on the beach, which is amazing. Yeah, apparently it's just a real good fun time. There's food there and drinks. It's the beach there, of course.

They got a bed in your hotel room. Hopefully. We can't guarantee that. And it's very cheap. I've never said no hotel, but I assume they have beds. Yeah, so it sounds like it's gonna be a lovely time. I love Thai food. Mm, yeah, oh my God, I never thought about Thai food

until just then. Yes. Now I'm even more excited. I like little pineappley drinks with little umbrellas and I think that they will have a few of those. You do love a pineappley drink. Oh man, I love it. Pinnacleater, every day.

I think this is, and this is gonna be our closest live show yet to being in international waters. We're gonna be international. And near water. And near water. We're so close to water. Oh wow. Let our microphones, I was gonna say go stand in the water,

but that's probably dangerous. Don't do that. Wow, I'm going to ask some Madonna headsets, Mike. My dreams. Then both of your dreams could come through it. Wow. Waterproof Madonna headsets, Mike. The absolute dream.

That would be so fun. If you want to come, look into it. Come along. There's a link in the description of the episode here, or dogoonpod.com, which will take you to the, especially set up website from the Little of the episode here or dogoonpod.com, which we'll take you to the especially set up website from the Little Dumb Dumb Club, which will answer all your questions

and tell you all the code words, all that kind of stuff that you need for your cheaper com, and how it all works. Cool. All right, well, let's crack on with the show, which if you're not familiar, Matt, how does it go? Well, the show's all about a thing. Each week is a different thing. It could be anything at all.

Last week was about Vegemite. In the past, I've also talked about Bigfoot. I've also talked about Johnny Cash. I've also talked about Marilyn Monroe. Chernobyl. Okay, great. I was only doing celebrities. Bigfoot.

Johnny Cash. Chernobyl. You know, the big star. The big three. But yeah, events, also murder mysteries, other kinds of mysteries. It can be totally random. It's quite eclectic.

It's a really eclectic mix of topics. A lot of this buzz word. But this week, it's Dave's turn to tell us about a topic. Jess and I do not know what this topic is. And the way we get onto the topic is by the report giver asking a question. This week, Dave, what is your question? My question to you, too, is who was arguably the craziest emperor of Rome?

Oh, Nero? A little bit earlier than Nero. A little bit earlier, okay. That helps. Too earlier. I've got name one. I've got to tell you that this is in many ways to spin off a topic that Matt did about 12 months ago. Oh.

Just leaning over to Sean. He's a Romero. It is not. Play the Joker, I think. Is that right? Dave, why are you making us look stupid on our own podcast? Because his person's name is, and you know it, would we know them?

You definitely know it. And I actually went back to listen to the episode that you did to make sure I didn't cover the exact same ground that you did. And you said that there was a them crooked vultures song about this person. Oh, yes, okay. Collegula. Collegula is the right answer. Collegula.

Meaning little boot, right? A little boot. A little boot, so the right answer. Collegiate like. Meaning little boot, right? Solve it all little boots. That's right, yes. This is. Sounds like something that happens to your blood when you've got a disease. His blood's colligated. This may be exactly what just said. I wonder what you got.

Oh my God, I have not progressed. If you want to write in Fancy Enk, you write in... You definitely used the word colligulated 12 months ago. So good. It was May last year when Matt did a report on AgroPena the younger. Yes, which I have been told is our most baffling ever report.

There were a lot of people who said they could not follow what I was on about. There were so many old school names and places and... I've tried to avoid a few of those names this time. I think it was smart, streamlined. Some people like, you really knew what I was, who had a bit of knowledge, maybe they enjoyed it more or less, but some loved it and some were like,

I don't know what the fuck you were talking about. Well, I went back and I listened to it because, basically I put this up for a Patreon vote. I picked three topics basically at random, and then I actually had forgotten that this had anything to do with Agrippina and then at one and I realized and I went oh no I'm gonna repeat exactly what that's it so but it only just one so if you want to change how the show works you should really

get onto our patreon because it won by about six votes and hundreds yeah and people vote very quick on that I don't know if you guys do this when you vote So I put it up for a vote within four minutes with there was 63 votes Wow and all three topics had 21 each That's crazy. So just one and then I went aside to research again. I'm like agrupini the younger. That sounds familiar So if you want so I like I wasn't oh there are topic we did, but it was that rings a bell It is such a specific name. So, and I listened back to that episode, and I did really enjoy it.

So, for the people that did like it. What makes sense for you to listen to that one and in conjunction with this? Yeah, you could probably listen before or after, because there's a couple of times where I'll be like, Matt talked about that in more detail on that episode. This topic, and it's also vaguely a spin-off from another topic that Matt did. Oh my god.

The Titanic. It was suggested by Tasha Rotascha from England, who wrote, she actually suggested it twice. I assume it's Keen. Keen, yeah. What Tasha suggested twice, wrote, where they live near Blackpool slash Manchester, and then they wrote, please come, which we did. So I don't know Tasha if you came to the show, and then they suggested another time. Now, they've updated their location to Lancaster.

So thank you to Tasha. And Tasha or Tasha said, the topic I'd like to suggest is Emperor Caligula and his crazy antics. Oh, great. I love antics. I love antics. If you want more antics, may I suggest you go back and listen to one of my favorite episodes from Matt, which is Super Maratini as of, and his crazy antics, the... Yeah, that's the best one.

He loved to get on a plane that guy from memory. Welcome to plane. Without a doubt, our favorite dickdest. The free salt. He gave away salt. A guy who I salt. Yeah. I can't remember where is the Diktator opposite. A Vat.

Tick Manastan. Tick Manastan. Not Tick Stan. I was thinking, yeah, Tick Manastan. It was the Tuck Man Bashi. Of course. Hacker, I forget. So this is a colligula and his crazy antics.

Now, colligula relates to agripein of the younger, because colligula is the older brother of agripein at the younger, because colligula is the older brother of agropein at the younger. Ah, so I'm now literally reporting on a sibling of a previous topic. So Matt did a whole report on that. So I once spent too much time on his early life, because Matt covered a lot of that with agropein as early life, but basically, a bit of a crash course here.

Please. He was born in 12 AD and was one of six children born to agropein at the older and Germanicus, a powerful general in the Roman Empire. At this time, Rome was huge, over 2 million square miles in an area today that occupies 47 separate countries. What? All one empire. The population under Roman rule was 55 million people at the time, which was a quarter

of everyone alive on planet Earth. That's too many. So very successful. So many people. Yeah. It's too many people to try and like, It's a rule. Yeah, like good leaders know their people.

You're not going to remember that maybe? Yeah, like our Prime Minister knows this all by name. Yeah. Like, get out of Scott. It's what we say to him. Yeah. At time of recording. Yeah, that'll change by next week. Not necessarily.

Probably. Almost certainly. The poles of Titan. I don't want to call it just in case. In charge on the throne of this massive empire was Rome's second emperor, Tiberius, who wasn't very popular. A colligula's birth name was Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus, being named after his great-great-grandfather Julius Caesar. Ah, that makes sense. Such short catchy names back then. Oh no, it really rolls off the tongue. Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus. Colligula's great-grandfather was Augustus Rome's first emperor, so he came from a long line of very powerful men. As a child, he with his family and father, who was the general in Syria, or modern day

Syria. Live to this family. That's an interesting upbringing. They do things differently back then. It's a different time. Let's not judge them. No, no judgements. It's a bit weird. Well, what is weird? He also accompanied his general father on his military tours. He had a general father. He had like a specific father. Oh, this is my general father. I was got my mathematics father. He's just doing his general father things, you know.

Well, you don't want to specialize as a dad. No. He's like a JP. Yeah. General parent. General edition. I need I'm gonna get your bones checked out you got your car or dead. Yeah And he's in Egypt Oh, no, this is an awful start

Jerry Good stuff Now during this time he was paraded around in a little uniform which led to his nickname Caligula, which translates as Little Boot, well remembered. Oh, I thought it translated as Clotted Blood. Clotted cream that reminder me. I thought, ooh, I want to have some scones. Scones. Two options there for things that clot, prefer the cream.

I'll take the cream any day. A lot of it's not that blood too. Your blood's got a clot. You can't yourself. That's true Well, it's not that blood too. Your blood's got a clot. You can cut yourself. That's true. If it doesn't clot, yeah. Some people have a non clotting blood. It's not ideal.

Some people have a non clotting cream, so. Yeah, there it is. A little sloppy cream. A little luck. Yeah, that's milk. Oh, actually, light milk. Oh, he would. There we go.

I'm so sorry to go on. Just hanging out with these father dressing as a little military boy. Cute. Oh my god, he would. Oh, there we go. I'm so sorry, do go on. Just hanging out with his father, dressing as a little military boy. Cute. Quite cute. And his father, who was a general, was extremely respected, and this possibly cost him his life. Oh.

His father was poisoned, possibly under orders from the Emperor, who may have been threatened by a Germanicist popularity and growing power. So, Dad's gone, then things went great for a colligueless family after that, as Emperor Tiberius wouldn't let his mother remarry, for fear of her new husband being too powerful, and then the mother and colligueless brother and sister, including a groupena, were sent into exile onto an island. Long story short, the mother, Agrippina the Elder, and a couple of brothers died of either suicide or starvation. Geez. So they got, but really, the only reason that colliguel was left alive and in Rome was because he was seen to be too young

to really be a threat. Also, he looks cute as shit with that little uniform. Little laughy. Kidding, killing. Oh, man. So he was allowed to grow up with his great grandmother and his grandmother. So cute. Nice.

Little cute, he's little booties. Great grandmother, grandmother, but mother's been sent off to die. Yeah, good bye. Not a wild family. Imagine Christmas day, you know? I don't know if it'd be intense. Well, there was also the reason that his mother was,

which I believe you talk a bit about on Agrippin' episode was Agrippin' the Elder, the mother kept accusing the emperor of poisoning her husband and he was like, you've got to go. I'm sorry. You can't keep telling people that. Look, if you just jat your mouth, you can live there, it'd be fine. Yeah, I bet you would want me to shut my mouth, your poisoner. Alright, you got to an island. Oh yeah, well, you would do that big poisoner. People who send women to Ireland, killed my husband.

Oh, she's got me there. She's got me there. Guilty as charged. So he's growing up with his grandmother and great-grandmother, the whole time imagining wearing this little outfit. Don't know if he did, but let's imagine it. Sleeping in it, cheering in it. Be good sleepwear.

Military uniform. What's a toga, right? I think it's more like a sleeping bag. It's more like a metal breastplate and a shield or that kind of stuff. Yeah. That is what I was imagining. Classic sleep. I was imagining more like a world war war, kind of, out of it, which now I think about it

as silly. You're probably more accurate. An Australian slouch hat with a rifle over a shoulder. Yeah. Is that not right? With his donkey. Yeah. It was all going on there. Probably out of donkey.

Yeah. That's something the wars have always had. Donkeys. You know, that's something that brings together generation. They're the unsung hero of war. Yeah. Donkeys. Yeah.

Not great. Vocally the donkeys. They sound a little something like this. Who the winner is the poor. I sound a little something like this. Hey there, Winnie the Pooh. I'm a donkey from the cartoon. Oh boy. Yeah. What was me?

He's depressed, isn't he? Classic catchphrase. Yeah, he's a real sad character. Yeah, he's a sad character. I was not into him. I think he's funny now probably. But at the time as a kid. Real killjoy, bit of a wet blanket. Real bum off.

I like piglet. Yeah, you would. Hey Dave, do you go on, Aurekin? Okay, so he's drawing out with grandma and great grandma. Then one day at the age of 19, in 8031, Emperor Taiberius came a nokin. He invited the young colligated, joined him on his isolated castle on the island of Capri. Oh. Caligilator was excited but also nervous.

It either meant that the Emperor had taken a liking to him, or he was going to have him killed. Either all! Rearoll of the dice here. Love those odds. This is either a great move for me or the end of my life. Oh wow! Exciting.

That's like playing Russian roulette with a gum that has one bullet in it and one chocolate bullet, you know. So one you're dead, the other one you're gonna delicious snack. Oh. And this gum only has two bullets. Yeah. So weird gum. A lot of it's empty.

So you just had to click and you're like, Click, click, click, bullets. Yeah. It's a weird gun. A lot of it's empty. So you just had to click and you're all boring. Click, click, click, click. Yeah. After the third click, you'd be like, oh, fuck, there's a ball. Yeah, I'll take the ball. Yeah. This is so boring, take me out. Okay.

Luckily for Colligula, it was the former. It was, he'd taken the liking to him. He wanted to take the young man under his wing and mold him in his image. Yeah. The cast was basically a house of debauchery with lots of sex and violence happening at all times. All times.

24, seven. Six and violence. 24, six. But not at the same time. No, well, there's violent Wednesday, sexy Thursday. There we go. It's not violent, six. No, they're probably a bit of that.

Or sexy violence. Yeah, I don't think those Romans would have gotten into any violent sex. Collegula, he loved gentle love making. Gentle love making. Sensual, intimate. Yes. Violence, not in the bedroom. I just want to make sure that they're pleasureed.

Then I'll get onto the violence. Yeah, then once the pleasure has taken place, I leave the bedroom, once I leave the bedroom, we're back into violence, baby. Give me a gun. Oh, okay, again, we're wearing a different era. Oh, give me a sword. Yeah, a sword. Yeah, but I could be confusing,

because a lot of people back then called their dick sorts. You're right. Give me a dagger Same problem. Yeah, haha. What's the philosophy? Give me a What's another weapon? Katta 9 tails. Give me a cat no tail. Oh, that could be pretty sexy. No, no. This is a nightmare. Give me a cannon No, no, that's definitely give me a spear. Oh, no. This is a nightmare. Give me a cannon. No, no, that's definitely. Give me a spear. Oh, no.

Okay. I think the catta-noise. Wow. Is that, would that be, anyway? Violence is sexy. Yeah, violence is sexy. I've always said it. It was a sexy, sexy place.

The walls were decorated with most sake, pornographic images. Oh. Oh. I love like real bad sort of sketchy things. You have to squint to figure it out. Yeah. They got say a nipple. Is that a nipple or is that a bit of dirt? Either way, it's got me hot. Hot. People were routinely executed by throwing them off a cliff. Okay. Oh, for fun. That is good fun. I can't tell if that's violent or sexy. Oh, both. Well, Colligula played along because no one wants to piss off the Emperor and this is

possibly where he developed his sadistic and hyper-sexual side because he ended up living in the castle for six years. That's too long. Six years in the sex castle is a long time. Yeah, he'd be exhausted. You just want to break to just read a book for a bit. Yeah, but it has to be a book about sex. Oh, I just want to read a bit of fucking buddy.

Jessica, can you not name a book? Chris is embarrassing. Can't name an author. Wow. We have any of the bit of a, no, I want to read some Malena Machita. You can't make one's up, Jess. Looking for other brandy. No, he would have loved to read that, but no, not to come here, age.

It's not sexual or violent enough of this cast, lemme try. Did they make the movie looking for other brandy into a book? Yeah. Is it just pictures of the film? Yeah. Is it a storyboard of the movie? Yeah, I bought a storyboard. Wow, what a storyboard of the movie. Yeah, I bought a storyboard. Wow, what a storyboard of it.

I did the voices myself. Oh, Jacob! You know? Yeah, I know. I haven't seen that film, but I feel like I have now. Yeah, but I had it with me on the plane on the way to the UK and I insisted on reading out loud. Oh, I'm Jacob!

All right, Miss, would you like your meal or not? I'm joking. Look, um, yeah, we did have a good time. If I come back or look over at Matt watching the Incredibles 2. Sleep. He loves it, we bring it up. I'm fascinated by your fascinated by it was just very cute. A man. Sleepy on a plane. Just sleepin' on a plane. We were away together.

Children's movie. We were away together. We could not get through it. We were there for three weeks together and that was the highlight for Jess and I. Yeah, the rest was a real troll. What a trip. Okay, so he was living in the sex castle for six years. It was here that Colligula formed a powerful friendship in alliance with the Praetorian Guard,

an elite unit of the Imperial Roman army whose members served as the personal bodyguards to the Roman Emperor. That was the big boys. That was horsemen. Were they horsemen that I half horse half men? Yes, that's right. Yeah, I thought so.

Hmm. He became... Half-half horse. You born into it or do you? Into the horse, yeah. You are born into a horse and then you punch your way out or kick. If you kick your way out, then your human half is the legs. And if you punch your way out, then your human half is the arms and head.

I mean, you don't want human legs. If your options are human legs or horse legs. Yeah, it's a real mistake, but they're babies. They don't know. They're babies, I don't know. But actually, that's interesting. Little baby legs with even a baby horse like a, you know, a foal. Still quite heavy for baby legs. You'd be toppling over.

Yeah. Oh, one night there. You want a horse legs. You want a horse legs. You want horse legs. Yeah, it was actually, for a lot of Romans back then, it was seen as a real sign of prosperity if your baby punched their way out of a horse. Yeah, that was lucky. But it was seen as horribly bad luck

and often you'd be shunned from society if your baby did kick its way out of all course. Yeah, so, uh, we liked to have a joke around on this show, but obviously sometimes we hit on some pretty serious topics. Yes, but comedy tragedy plus time. That's right. Is it finally time? No, it's still two. Okay, sorry. So sorry to all the Roman family's listening. So he makes friends with the elite Praetorian guard and he became close friends with the leader of the guards, a man named Macro. He's the top dog.

It's a shit horse name. Very powerful horse. He's a very powerful horse. Macro. Macro, very powerful. By this time, Emperor Tiberius was 77 years old. What? Very old for the time.

Back then, yeah. And was unpopular with most of Rome. He was reclusive and not well loved by the people, and the powerful Roman senate weren't fans either, as he'd held trials and persecuted many of them when he thought they were going against him. So he's pissed off the people by not really engaging with them at all, and he's pissed off the rich people by having them killed. There you go.

So not popular. Then in 8037, Tiberius died died and he was possibly smothered by either Caligula or Macro. Oh, put him out of his misery. Just pillow. Did I have pillows back then? Oh, yeah. I got to make sure it's not a sex pillow though. Oh, God, I imagine being smothered by a sex pillow. Oh, better. I mean, there's that hole that you could braid through. I've held this pillow only for 40 minutes and he's still breathing. Oh, better. I mean, there was that hole that you could braid through. I've held this pillow down for 40 minutes and he's still breathing. Oh, it smells terrible, but I've got to breathe.

Oh. Brace me a man. Oh. Oh, tight spare. Yeah. Oh. Oh. I can't even lick the sex pillow.

Never lick the sex pillow. That's number one. I already have that written on my fridge. You have to be sure about it. Yeah, I always forget. I'm like, do I lick the sex pillow? I don't like the sex pillow. You make them a sake once.

You never make it. Shame on you. Lick a sex pillow to us. Shame on you. Like a sex pool at twice. Shame on you again. And you're starting to get a taste for it. That's called a habit. Well, so Tybury is Dizzy and he left his titles and his will to Caligula and his grandson, Gamelis.

Gamelis. His names are so silly. Trying to limit them because there's so many silly ones. Gamelis. We have to name Gamelis. These names are so silly. Trying to limit them because there's so many silly ones. Gamelis. We have to name Gamelis. So basically, they're named as your successors, but two people, which is controversial, because you can't really have two emperors. Colliguelus traveled straight to the Senate to win them over

and cement his power. They make all the laws and things of the day very powerful. You want them on your side. He went smooth and... Oh, he made a great speech and tells the Senate what they want to hear, basically telling them that he'll be their son and that they are so taken they agreed to vote him to have all the honors of the two emperors that preceded him. So, it's a great speech maker.

Basically, the old guy was so unpopular they were happy to have anyone and without proving himself in any real way, Colligularist just handed the keys to the Roman Empire. And he knows how to make people like him. How many keys? Oh, there'd be so many keys. 50 million people. 55 million houses. Oh, hello, Mr. Impro, sorry.

A lot of myself out again. Would you mind getting me the spare key? I genuinely thought when I was a kid that when people were given the key to the city, that they could just like get in places. You should be able to. You should be able to. I don't know what it is.

Maybe people's houses, but like if you're hungry, the mac is as close. Yeah. Just pop in. Yeah. Fry yourself up some chippy. You should be able to get them in the mayoral mac as. Yeah. That's, so what it is, it's like an honor thing.

Look. Who wants that? Pointless, give me cash. It's a question though. if we can be handed the keys to Gary and Deanna, we will accept that. Oh, yes, I'll take that one. Oh, I got an email a few days ago from the railcats asking if they could send me a present.

Oh, and you said, no, thank you. I said, yes, please. That's cool. What am I just going to be? I'm hoping now I'm hoping it's the keys to the city. That's cool. What I'm just going to be. I'm hoping that now I'm hoping it's the keys to the city. Oh wow. Do you think it could be?

We've also got some stuff coming from Greggs. Oh, literally. That someone sent to us. Gary and Greg. Greggs in the UK. But has that arrived yet? No. You let us know.

I would. It's coming here. Oh, I would let you know. Thank you so much I imagine we'll be keeping people updated on social media with photos of the Gary and the Gregs I'm getting keys to the still yard This stadium. I'm gonna get keys to the locker room Maybe get your own locker. Oh, I'd be cool. The send a locker I feel like I deserve that.

Yeah. But the, so it sounds like he is now made a big enemy. If I know anything about these old and day times, if two people were up for something, one of the muscles is way to take all of it. The other one's gonna seek revenge. Well, Gamalos is actually only about 13 years old, so he's quite young at the time.

So Caligula adopts him as his son. Ah, play. And I mean, did he not have parents? Can you just take a kid? Yeah, he's my son. He's mine now. He's like, oh no, we've he's ours. We had him, yeah, but I'm gonna adopt him.

And that pretty much keeps him under his control. Yeah. Because he's like, I'm your dad. Hey, when I'm out, you get to be me. But until then, I'm not a dog, Tim. And that pretty much keeps him under his control. Yeah. Because he's like, I'm your dad, hey, when I'm out, you get to be me. But until then, I'm me. I think that's, that's same smart. Yeah, it's a powerful move. And he also starts buying people off to,

you know, sort of buy their love. During this time, Rome was very, very wealthy and Caligula has complete control of the treasury. So he keeps it that way by bribing nearly everyone. He gives every family the equivalent of about a thousand dollars. Bit of a, you know, jump in the economy as well. Hey, I'm your old pal, you hated that old guy. Well, he's a grand. And then he bribes the Praetorian guard, the very, very powerful bodyguard,

by doubling what Tiberius left them in his will, and he pays them two full years of wages. As a bonus. So they're like, we love this guy. He's great. And possibly the first example of insanity and the twisted sense of humor they had came out when to show the people to sell generous he is. He stood on top of the 60 foot high Basilica Julia in the middle of Rome and started throwing buckets of coins

out to the people below. Because it was so high, people were injured by the coin. And also further injured when they scrambled to collect them and Caligula reportedly loved this. Okay. Okay. This is throwing coins. He's throwing coins.

He's hitting people in the head. And they're like, ow, but also we're poor, so thanks. And he's like, yeah. So that's the first sign of him being a bit twisted and that's one of the things that prompted them to make paper money right easy to throw off the top of buildings yeah just flutters down yeah just a gentle brush a lot of cheek I also made those cash box machines a lot more fun you know know, those ones that you jump in, you can catch as many as you can.

Oh, I thought you were the one with the counting machine, which I love, but you're talking about, like on a game show, you got in there, whatever cash, yeah, when I was coins, a lot of people died. Yeah. But since they turned into a paper money, it's not.

But whatever money entered your body, your family got to get funeral paid for itself. Exactly. Everyone's a woman, baby. Smart. I'm one of the dead person, but. So he's winning over the people by giving him cash, winning over the Praetorian Guards by giving them cash,

and to win over the powerful Roman Senate, he said he wouldn't be like Tiberius, who had held secret trees and trials, and had arrested anyone who went against him, and to show how he's different from the old leader, Kalligula even burnt the documents in front of them that had evidence of the senators' wrongdoings. So he's like, look, I've got evidence here

that you've been bad boys, but I'm gonna burn this. Because I'm a cool, I'm cool. I like you. And they were like, that's good. That's bad, eh. I think I like that. So it's a strong start, everyone liked him. He's just kissing us.

It also helps that he's the son of the super popular Germanicus, who was, you know, everyone knows was murdered, cut down on his primes, everyone's like, yeah. A lot of this guy, Satorius, who is his biographer, later said that over 160,000 animals were sacrificed during the three months of public rejoicing

to usher in this new reign. Okay, that's logical, that makes sense. The more things you kill, the better it is. Yeah, I know back in those times, we've carried on some of those things like the Romans started a lot of good stuff. And I think we still do that now. When we celebrate, we kill a lot of animals. I'm killing one now.

Whoa, who are you celebrating? I just haven't a good day. I'm having a pretty good day. I'll kill an animal. But if you're having a bad day, sometimes you don't think we can chew up, it's killing an animal. Yeah, that's the thing with killing animals. It's all purpose. It's all purpose. They say pets are not just for Christmas and I agree, you can kill them all year round. But yeah, that is wild. So they would kill in like a ceremony, they'd just yeah, yeah. So from up to the nose, just like, someone's gone around with a sword just chopping it down. That one's the two mate. That was my dogs.

But it'd be like, so they'd find a goat and then do a full on ceremony thing. So they find a goat and then do a full on, so am I only thing? Yeah, 160,000 times. That is, that is pretty wild. You're right, they are such an advanced society for being 2,000 years ago, but some things, you're like, what? Yeah.

What are you doing? Because we went backwards, like civilization went backwards after they sort of the things that they had created were lost like we didn't know how they did it and then the dark areas. Yeah, sometimes have like a systems of distributing water around and then the the aqueduct broke and they'd be like we don't know how to fix that. Yeah. Whoops that's just been there for 500 years. Yeah. Does anyone? No? No. No one's an engineer anymore. Should have should have kept them alive. I had to fix that. Whoops, that's just been there for 500 years. Yeah. Does anyone?

No? No one's an engineer anymore. Should have kept them alive. Older. Oh, no. No more water. All right, back to drinking mud. Catch and Rats.

So the first six months of his reign, everything goes super, super well. The Senate even gave him the title of Potter, pottery eye or father of the country. Oh, I like that. He's 25 years old and he's got power over everything. Everything. He's 25 with a 13 year old son. Yeah. He's started young. He's a little worse. He's potent. He'll tell you. It's all that time in the six caves. Oh, yeah. Six castle.

They're called in six dungeon. Pottery, Potterson. That is Latin for, yeah. Real big sperm. Really big. It's not that he has a lot of them, they're just mad. One big sperm. And they'll punch their way through a uterus.

Not through a uterus. Wow. They know a uterus. Into. I'm going to go back. You go through. That's cool. Then the uterus. Not through a uterus. Wow. You know a uterus? Into. I'm going to go back to that. You guys throw it. That's cool. Then the uterus.

You've gone too far. You rendered the uterus useless. If you've gone through the uterus, you've missed the turn off. You've punctured the uterus. Chucky, you eat. Yeah. Chucky, you. To us.

And seen. Hi, everything's going well. That's what I'm trying to say. But then six months in as a spanner in the works, Caligula suddenly gets very, very sick. It's a mystery illness and people have speculated that perhaps he was poisoned. Oh, oh.

We've probably loved poison back then, right? Oh, they love a bit of poison. I think I've another way to murder someone. It's just so easy. Poisons when done. Well, the people of Rome absolutely panic. Their beloved new leader could die, and people wait outside the palace,

the CV's gonna be all right, and commerce even stops in Rome. Commerce? Not commerce. No, well, I mean, basically how commerce works back then was a man stood on top of a building and threw coins at everyone. And now that man's ill.

Yeah, true. Where are we gonna get our money? Yeah. That's ill. Yeah, true. Where are we going to get our money? Yeah. I just bring back commerce. Oh, no. During this time, macro, who I mentioned before, you don't like the horseman, the leader of the Pretorian Guard, he panicked and approached Gamelis, the teenager that was named as Tiberius' co-air and the one that Collegula adopted. He's adopted some adopted son. Macro forms a plan to install Gamalus as the new emperor if Collegula dies.

Because basically, his grandfather had left it to him. Yeah. The only problem is Collegula doesn't die. He makes an unexpected recovery quite quickly. And on hearing this plan, to have himself replaced by his 14 year old son, Gamalus, he sends his Praetorian guard to arrest him. Who the son? Yeah, he's like, I've got to get rid of my son now because he he yeah, he would be like, oh, I thought it was like I was poison all of a sudden my son was

about to step up. Yeah, he'd be like, it's gonna be like, yeah, but wasn't that the point? Yeah, I'm your son. I'm your Anadiee. But he saw him as a new threat. So he got him arrested. And then, Keleku was sent his Praetorian guard to the cell containing his adopted son to kill him. But because it's against the law to spill royal blood, the guards had to give the young man a sword. To put down a tar. Don't waste a drop. If you spill, I'll be in so much trouble. They gave him a sword.

The game a sword and told him to take his own life. And what do you say? No? He said, I've never used a sword before, so they had to tell him the quickest and least painful way to kill himself. And he did. What? Why would he just say no?

He's in a cell. Oh, he seems like he's such a nice boy. He's locked up in a cell. They can't make you do it. And they can't kill you either because it's illegal for them to do it. So don't do it. I'm picturing the teenager from The Simpsons. Um, this The Simpsons?

We only got a job here to start dating Mom. So sadly, he died. Macro, the leader of the Fowler Co. He's also given a sword and he too takes his own life. But they could have killed him. Yeah, but I think he's probably, because he's the leader of the Praetorian Guards, they probably respected him and said,

do you wanna do? Do you wanna do this? Do you, do you wanna do it? And he said, I'll do it. Do you do it? So obviously terrible way to go, I feel terrible for Gamelis because yeah, just stepping up to take his right foot place. Oh, that's so weird and awful.

But you're like, you're really felt threatened. These sort of states of mind, it's just this doggy dog stuff. It never ends well. Because now you're paranoid about everything. And everyone's paranoid about you. They're like, oh, you'll kill people if they cross you. We better make sure we finish you off if we start it, right? And everyone's at each other. I've been watching a show called The Good Wife. And it is very similar. There's a lot of coos. There's already been two different partners get the arse out of a three partner buddy business. They all get the arse. Yeah. And that's

that's the look for sex pillow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, so there's lots of coos. Yeah. It just feels like just everybody. Let's just chill out. Yeah. Hey, good wife isn't like podcasting, you know, Matt would love a show where they all just get along. I mean, you know, it's called family ties. Have you heard of it? With a cool, I don't know about that. But they, I just think it just seems weird. I don't, I mean, it's good drama. Obviously, that's like some of this stuff feels Shakespearean, right? But they It just feels like if you're in there just do all that friendly stuff Just be friendly and don't kill your son

Yeah, things are gonna work out pretty well poisoning the Emperor. No one's going to be no one's gonna want to top you if If you're keeping everyone happy Who's gonna want to top you if you're keeping everyone happy. Who's going to want to kill you? It's exhausting. You'd be a terrible politician. Come on. You can't keep everyone happy. You've got to kill a few people. Well, you're actually back on the money here because some historians have pointed out that after killing you with recovery, that's when he really starts to show his sadistic side. And a lot of it is that he starts getting paranoid that people are trying to take him out. Yeah.

So perhaps it's a flip to switch in his head. So one person's put it against me. Maybe everyone's putting it against me. But like it'd be, it's a little bit funny if the sickness that he came down with was just something like just a viral infection. They just did some rest. Yeah.

And then from this he's like, that we're trying to kill me. No, no, it's like, now you're just, you're just unwell. And everyone thought you were dead. So your son was getting ready to take over if need be. Yeah. Which was not needed.

Which is the natural order of how that would work. Absolutely. But now that you're fine, he'll go back to being a teenager. And I know. No harm done. He's happy to go back to his PlayStation. He loves it. You know, I want to be Emperor. Hey, he's got Tony Hawk on there. Who would want to be Emperor when he could play Tony Hawk? Yeah. Oh, that's out. Grilla Radio. Turned

that shit up. I know it. Yeah, obviously I'm referencing old computer games, but this is in 12 AD. So you're actually more accurate than if you referenced. You know, one of the modern things, something that's a battle royale, which I believe they all are now. If I've learned anything from gamey, gamey, gamey. They're all battle royales. From then on, he seemed to act very differently to the loving rule that people were worried would die.

So people were genuinely worried about him dying and he came back and went, I'll kill you all! Upon his recovery, a colligula found out that a nobleman had said whilst colligula was ill that he would gladly give his own life to save the emperor. When the emperor recovered, he heard this story and he found the nobleman and made him fulfill his promise. What? The man was dragged through the streets and then thrown in the type of river to drown. This is the first of many, many crazy antics. But he didn't do it. He was, he, oh, he was like, well, you said you would get in the river. Prove it. Yeah. That's weird.

That's so weird. This, my, my heading here is crazy shit starts. Great. His biographer, Satoniaius, I mentioned before, quotes his often repeated phrases, colligulate what often say this. Remember that I have the right to do anything to anybody. That's a good point. I'm considered a lot of people.

Oh, yeah, okay. Well, that's a good reminder, actually. He would sleep with his friends' wives, his enemy's wives, and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. I have the right to do whatever I want or whoever I want. A little boot likes to have a little root. I probably hated the name Caligula but it just stuck.

He really, really hated it. Could have had a rebrand anyway, but he didn't. Little boot loves the root. You just got to work with what you got and he's got a great name for rooting got. And he's got a great name for rooting. Yeah, it's got a great root name. Well, one story goes that Collegula took a liking to a senator's wife. So he invited her and her husband to one of the banquet he was throwing. Whilst

everyone was eating, he invited the woman back to his chambers. They slept together and rather be discreet when they returned to the party, he just loudly told everyone, including a husband, what they'd been doing. He didn't give a shit. Oh. He's also rumored to have- That's the same like bad dinner party etiquette. Oh, did we miss main course? Sorry, we were just fucking.

And everyone's like, woo! Alright. Thanks. Yeah, no, we could hear you very thin walls. Yeah, and they're glass. And everyone's like, woo! Alright. Thanks. Yeah, now we could hear you very thin walls. Yeah, and they're glass. We could see you. You have screaming.

I know you think you went to your chamber, but you just lay on the main table and bang next to this turkey. I didn't even look like you were having fun. Yeah, you look at your watch. And then looking me in the eyes. Actually, didn't even take your pants off. You just stood there making noises so we would think you were having sex. Do you think we couldn't see you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely banging that guy's wife right now. Shut up. I think he's behind you. Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Etc. Etc. Matt, do you want to have a go? You and I. No. Just and I, just proving that we know exactly what sex sounds like. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, it was a very realistic retelling like me. Like I would have always known that those things that you were saying there were definitely sex things Yeah, yeah big sex in the same way that I would also know that yeah, yeah So is that standing there in a dinner party? Oh, yeah Okay, so clicky was all clicky There was also rumored to have slept with these sisters. Yeah, well the special fondness for his sister, Drisilla. Yuck, don't have a special fondness.

That's his... Don't fucking sister. You must have enjoyed incess with Drisilla. It seemed that it was an open secret in Romani didn't care who knew. He was even known to caress her in front of her husband, Lepidus, at dinner. Ooh, who's my sexy sister? Ooh. Is it you? No. it's you. No, is it? Yes, it's you. Lepidus, huh? How hot is my sister? Slash your wife. Oh wow. This girl sounds like a real

nightmare. He's gross. What's also about this time? In this day and age, he would so be cancelled. He's gross. What's also about this time is that in this day and age, he would so be cancelled. Do you reckon? I don't think you'd get away with all of this stuff. No, I... Killing people. Killing people.

Sexing people. Building sons that are three as younger than you are. Weird. It's also about this time they started to spend like crazy. He'd like to drink pearls dissolved in vinegar. And then he... What? Just because it was worth lots of money. Pearl pearls dissolved in vinegar and then he what just because it was it was worth lots of money

Pales dissolved in vinegar. You'd be like this pearl is worth $500,000 dissolve it drink it. I had a drink of 500,000 I think it's a Baroque yeah Yeah kidding is yeah He wants to do a party that cost the annual revenue of three of a Roman of the Roman provinces So he's just spends like crazy, doesn't care. He loved Gladiator Blood Sports as did a lot of Romans at the time, but he changed the rules to create more carnage. Something that had never been done before. So one historian

described as being like the Prime Minister coming out and being like, I want to change the rules of soccer. He just comes out and says, I want to... And he made the fights mismatched to be more bloody. Making a man with a sword, fight a man armed with only a net. Okay, catching butterflies. Or he only gave one guy a shield and then the other guy, the weapons, that kind of thing. It made things way more bloody and brutal and he loved it. He also imported more wild animals from across his empire including lions, tigers, bears,

and elephants. Oh my. I mean, I had to. I had to. And they were went in Rome. This story takes place in Rome. Wow, what a coincidence. Sometimes you don't know how funny you are. Bit of fun there. Bit of fun, bit of fun. So, babe, he just brings in these wild animals to be slaughtered for his amusement. Fun!

He brought in so many of these animals at once that they ran low on food, so he just ordered prisoners to be thrown to the animals to be fed, like live-backed. Oh, they ran low on food for the animals. They were slaughtering. Yeah, and you've got to keep them alive for next week's games. So what do you do? Just feed them a prisoner. That's okay. Anyone he didn't like you be thrown to the animals to be eaten publicly. But first he would have their tongues cut out so they couldn't complain. So to us he sounds like a terrible guy. I've got ridden here.

I was really thinking he'd be protesting against that, but it sounds like your silence is complicit. No. I'm a little shocked, to be honest. I'm shook. In all I'm saying, it is quite shaking to our modern feeble minds. It's insane. But he was putting on way more public events than his tight-ass predecessor, so he was loved by the people.

Basically, if he wasn't killing you specifically, a lot of the poorer people liked him. Okay. Yeah. So he was great until you were murdered. Yeah, no, I'd agree with that. I get that, yeah. When he murdered me, that was a bit of a downer. That was a turning point.

Yeah. I think yeah. I'm sure that's the guy. I'm sure that's a bit of a downer. That was a turning point. Yeah. I think yeah. I'll show that to the sky. I'll show that to the sky. Quite like Tim, and then he murdered me, and I thought, hmm, I don't like that. Then you went and sported all by doing something stupid like murdering me. Like explode, do you?

Explode you. Explode you. He also loved the live theater. Is any great man does? Yeah. So much so that during the shows, It's so cool. He also loved the live theater. Is any great man does? So much so that during the show he would join the cast on stage and start acting at various parts and they have to play along because he's the Emperor.

Oh my god, Improv! He loves it! Oh, Improv! It's sort of like when we've done it. Sort of like when King of the Pums. It's kind of like when Darryl Summers on how it's said that I would play drums, and I give the rest of the band would just be like, yeah, Darryl, we're gonna play them drums.

I've never seen that. He's like, I don't want to get fired. I'll just keep smiling at Darryl playing the drums. You are so out of time. Ha ha ha ha. Darrell! What's Darrell doing now? Probably sitting on a poly cash drumming on cash.

He's still doing things. Yeah, I don't know. He's had a show a couple of years ago on Channel 7. Dan's doing the stars, right? No, he did. He was like a show where people dressed up as people that... I think doing impressions of celebrities or something. Celebrity transformation. That's already great.

Yeah, it's like, I really want to be like Madonna, so you go off stage and you come back and you're like, old dolled up. Do you think Daryl's hoping someone would be like, I just want to be like, Daryl Summers? Maybe he did a magic show. I think maybe a hypnotizing show. Yeah, hypnotizing. You're right, yeah, he did a hypnotizing show. People said, I want to be Madonna and then they'd hypnotize them. And they tell you believed you looked like Madonna.

It was a real, they did an interesting transformation show over TV. The before and after shots will shock you. Collegula also loved horse racing and started holding way more horse races than the previous leaders, and this made him even more popular. He paraded around in a breastplate that he had stolen from the tomb of Alexander the Great, trying to emulate the Great Leader, and even raced in the events himself and had a famous horse called Inketatus, who would also wear the breastplate of Alexander the Great's horse. Do you reckon, did he make, if he was racing, other people, did he make them lose?

Yes, almost. Like, we always let the Emperor win. Lose or die. Yeah. One of the most famous stories of colloquialist antics is that he loves Inquetatus or Inquetatus so much that he gave the steed a marble stall, an ivory manger, a jule collar, and even its own house. He's all kind of the wholesome city of the counter to TV.

Hey, ever heard of knocking? He would feed the horse elaborate food, including gold flakes, and then let the horse eat and drink at his table. And one day, when asked by the senators what he was doing, according to legend, he said, I'm thinking about making him consul. Consul were the elected chairman of the Senate and exercised the highest judicial power in the Roman Empire. So he was thinking about making a horse, one of the most powerful politicians in the Senate. I'm hung up on the gold flakes. I don't think you can feed a horse gold flakes.

I think you would put it in his oats. That's not a sprinkle of the gold flakes. That's just big gold flakes and it's shit. Oh yeah, and people would scramble for that shit. That seemed fun. It's a funny idea of what wealth should be. It's to go these things, like not buy the best food but just put it's like cutting up $100 bills and putting them in your cornflakes. Yeah, that's right.

I'm pretty wealthy. Yeah, I'm drinking a pool. It's like that's that's probably taste gross. Why do that? Because I'm rich. Bitch. You give it a try. Oh, you can't. You drink that lemonade, that disgusting lemonade. Guess who spat in my lemonade this morning? Ralph Lauren. Hmm? I'm not surprisingly this pissed off a lot of senators when he said, I'm going to promote a horse higher than you.

Reckon. He also liked to build outrageous things. He built a giant boat. I'm talking giant boat bigger than a football field just to bring back a giant obelisk from Egypt that weighed over 300 tons. And it still stands today, instant Peter Square in front of the Vatican. Wow. You've ever seen an obelisk in front of the Vatican?

That is he brought it over. I try to remember what an obelisk is. Big dick, big stick. It's a big, it's like I talked about it on one of our upcoming Patreon, both of them, so to be recorded live, the Washington Monument is. I don't know. Well, I'm sure if I saw a picture that I remember, but I don't

remember it. As the only obelisk in Rome that hasn't toppled since Roman time, so it's always been standing since for nearly 2000 years. It's interesting. That's crazy. That would be about, so yeah, be coming close to 2000, right? Yeah, coming up. So he was living 2000 years ago. It's absolutely wild. Yeah. We didn't even celebrate his birthday. It's absolutely wild. Yeah. We didn't even celebrate his birthday. Seven years ago.

Sorry. Or every year, I guess. Sorry, Collegula. We'll make it up in your 3000th birthday. Yeah. I won his favourite sister and probably you love a Dracilla died. Collegula lost the plot even further. It asserted he wanted to have her declared a goddess, something that had never been done

before. Okay. This as well as a lot of other behavior, pissed off the Senate. Collegula responded to their criticism by making a big speech and accusing them all of being hypocritical and corrupt. Then, he brought out the papers that Tiberius had collected on them as evidence. The ones that he said he'd burned. But he still had him.

Bad boy. For life. He'd photoc But he still had him. Bad boy for life. He'd photocopied them. Yeah. No, how'd you do that? And he's like, I invented a photocopia. Boom. And the only photocopia that hasn't fallen.

2,000 years. 2,000 years. Every photocopier you've ever seen has at some stage. Topped. You better believe it. Those things. They got to put a fourth foot underneath it.

Yeah, what? Three. It's like a Mr foot underneath it, but... Yeah, what three? It's a poppump three. It's like the Mr. Bean car, but a photocopier. Yeah. Silly. Structurally unsound. He announced new trees and trials, the very thing that he promised not to do.

And he encouraged the senators to turn on each other and dub in each other to him. He predicted that despite his behavior, they would reward him for they fear him so much. And what did they do? The next day, the Senate publicly gave him more honors in an attempt to suck up to him and win favor. He was right. He decided to humiliate certain senators even further and force them to dress up in short tunics. And then serve him at his banquets like little slaves. He lost it.

And these are some of those powerful men in all of Rome and they can't do anything about they've got to dress up in a ridiculous outfit and like hand in grapes. Late one night he summoned some senior senators who thought he was holding an emergency meeting to discuss what's to be done about some growing unrest amongst some Germanic tribes nearby. Instead, when they went to his palace, he emerged in full costume, performed a little dance for the men, and then demanded that they applaud him. Which they did. Yeah.

You all put it if you didn't, yeah? He's asking. applaud applaud Yeah. At this point, he's two two and half years into his reign. The people still love him. Thanks mostly to his lavish festivals and endless entertainment that he pays for. Yeah. But the Senate are like this can't go. Sorry, do you mind if I just interrupt for a quick mo? Man, I just was thinking do we not have a sponsor this week?

Actually, yes. Thank you for the reminder, Matt. These things always slip. My moaned. Mind. This episode is brought to you and everyone at home by Skillshare. Skillshare is an online learning community for creators with more than 25,000 classes in design, business, and more. You'll discover countless ways to fuel your curiosity, creativity, and your career. Does this sound good to you? Do you want to take classes in social media marketing,

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So he does a lot of these crazy things, or silly things, just to embarrass the senators, but he can also be extremely brutal executing people who get in his way. When he heard rumors of people plotting against him, he took drastic action, something that no one in Rome had ever done before. He arrested the two consoles, the two high ranking people I mentioned before, so the highest ranking politicians. One of them was his horse. He arrested the horse.

Usually they use people like... How did you put cuffs on it? Just on the front? On the back as well, then it just kind of looked like a chocolate. Chuffles along. It seems like an awful idea. Yeah, it's real heartbreaking, let's see. Usually these consoles are out of reach of everyone, but he arrested them and then he tortured them and found out about a conspiracy against him by Leopardus

and his sister Agropena the Younger. Matt mentioned this on his episode about Agrippina the Younger, but in summary, Lepidus was executed and Agrippina had to walk 100 miles carrying her conspirators ashes, and then she was banished to the same island where their mother had died. You're pretty brutal. Is that Capri? So what are you saying before? No, Capri was the sex dungeon island.

Oh, that's where you want to, if you're going to get sex somewhere. Oh, no, don't send me to the sex dungeon island. Oh, that's the saddest thing you want. If you're going to get the sex island. Yeah, oh no, don't send me to the sex island. No, I don't want to have heaps of sex all the time. No. I don't want to be on bachelor in paradise. Stop. A calligula, not surprising, it was a pretty vanguard. And he wanted military honor, so he decided

to take his army to the one of the only places that the Empire was yet to conquer. Britain! He marched four legions up to the North Sea, and then legend has it that the Caligula declared war on Neptune, the god of the sea, and's almost certainly been exaggerated. Fight the ocean. Yeah, it's almost certainly exaggerated, but most of Sorin's believe that the legions refused to board the ships to go to Britain, so to avoid embarrassment, he told them to attack the sea, so at least they went there for a reason. They were like, when I get on those boats and he went, okay, well to stop him mutiny, stab the water. So what was the British Iles doing at that stage? What held such fear? I imagine that there would have been on boats before, but I don't know why, but

they just maybe didn't see the point of going there. Right. Because it feels like, yeah, they would have thought they would have been full of confidence that they could take on anyone. Yeah, well, basically conquered most of Earth, well, what they know of as Earth at this point anyway. So he told them to attack the sea and then possibly to embarrass them, he told them that they could fill their helmets

with as many sea shells as they wanted in lieu of pay from the loot that they would have got from pillaging England. His men were to take quote, spoils from the ocean as a reward for their hard work. He said, he said, anything you can fit in your hat, you can keep. They had to be like, thanks. Yay! I mean, they, I've done on this, why do they go that far?

So they've walked to the water and then said we're not doing it anymore. There's a couple of them that are actually kind of stoked because they wanted a little centerpiece for their coffee table at their beach house. Oh, I love it. Just sea shells in a bowl. And they all just find a lot of pearls and they fill them up with pearls and it's like all that backfired. Hey, give me that.

Give me back. I need those in my breakfast. I'm really thirsty. Have you got, did you also find vinegar? Yeah. Hey give me that, give him back. I need those in my breakfast. I'm really thirsty. Have you got, did you also find vinegar? Yeah. Who's got the vinegar? Oh, Christ, why are you drinking vinegar?

So he went up north, stabbed the sea, came back. And then he was hoping that he'd get a triumph on his return, which is a large parade through the city that many Romans regarded as the highest possible honour. And what did he think he was getting that for? Well, the Senate wouldn't give it to him, mostly because he hadn't done anything. That's what was he expecting it for? I stabbed the C. I didn't. But Neptune.

He's like, I didn't lose a single man. That's never happened before. Huh? Huh? So we won a war and I didn't lose a man. I'll wait here if you want to organize a triumph. Any minute now? Hmm?

Hmm? I can't hear trumpets! Hmm? So he comes back, they won't give him a triumph. So he decided to hold his own spectacle in Bayer, now in Italy. He ordered a fleet of ships, sunk in pairs, from one town across the port to another in Poo-Tioli, Bayer to Poo-Tioli. This built a dam that he intended to turn into a bridge. This formed a three mile long temporary bridge across the bay from one side to the other.

He was hoping to replicate a bridge that the Persian king Zerxes built between Turkey and Greece. So I imagine getting all the ships and he just purposefully sink them and then you hope you can walk on the Sunken ship from one side to the other. He then had stone and dirt dumped on top of the sunken ships to create a bridge and then paved it with stone like a real Roman road. He put on oak leaves jumped on his horse and led a low Roman Legion from one side to the other. It took hundreds of soldiers and full battle outfits whole day to cross from one side to the other. It took hundreds of soldiers and full battle outfits a whole day to cross from one side to the other. Then they partied all night. It was a bit of a crazy night with brawls and some even drowning amongst the craziness, but he didn't care. The next day, Colligua led the legions back across the bridge, this time writing in a horse drawn carriage. And some people say that he did this because before he'd become emperor an astrologer named Thrasalus had predicted that Caligula quote had no more chance of becoming emperor than of riding

a horse across the Gulf of Baya. Caligula built the bridge just to rub it in that the astrologer had been wrong. Cump that astrologer. They normally say trustworthy. Said my lucky colors for the Melbourne Cup were going to be green and blue. But the winner was wearing yellow. Anya. So we talked about the sex castle. He also built two sex boats. Ooh, sex boat, sex boat.

You're my sex boat. Honk. Okay, so a boat that you have sex on or with. Oh, either. Would you rather? Have sex on a boat or with a boat? Yeah, it's tough, isn't it? That is tough.

Something so sexy on the boat. On the boat. Something sexy about being on a boat too though. Oh, yeah. Especially if you're seasick. Oh, what about, okay, here's a good compromise. Have sex with a boat on a boat. Oh, like I have sex with a smaller boat on a big boat.

With a life raft. Yeah. Bang that raft. Yeah. There it is. Is this genius? Sexy genius. Oh, wow.

Now he built two giant sex boats. These, well they're just pleasure boats but I thought it was a pleasure boat. Yeah. Yeah, that's yeah. I'll get on a sex boat. But a pleasure boat. Oh, yeah, I keep. Who hasn't been on a pleasure cruise? Oh, I love a pleasure cruise. No. You get on a pleasure boat and then you get off on a pleasure boat. It's true. Is it? There you go.

So these days the ships are known as the Nemi ships or Neymar ships. Only discovered in the 1930s when Mussolini drained a lake. They were way... Metaphor. They were way bigger than anyone thought the Romans capable of building. They were massive. There were the length of a couple of football fields. The two ships were in fact floating villas which had baths, a heating system, temples,

banquet rooms, statues, and even more beautiful sexy mosaics on the floors. Oh yeah, it's an ebbel. Oh, no, that one's definitely dirt. Sadly, they were destroyed in bombing in World War II. It lasted all those years until the 1930s and then within a decade they were gone. That's inc- I can- what? Sucks, yeah, they got bombed and then because they were made of wood they burned. What? I'm gonna- you'd you so pissed off. They made sex boats. Yeah, and this, he made it on this little, it's about 20 miles north of south of Rome. I can't remember which one and then it's small lake, only like a mile long and then you would just

have these two giant sex boats on the lake. So they can't go anywhere. I can't go anywhere. No So why why not just build a house or a palace or something? Why does it have to be a boat because you're rich? Yeah, sorry. You this is the first super yacht. Oh You know I love a super yacht. I do get seasick. So I'd never have a boat but I don't get it at all super yachts I'm just don't you want a boat that Super Yots. I'm just looking. You don't you want a boat that has a pool in it? And a boat? A boat that has a helicopter.

That! Tell me! You go on a boat and you think, oh, I'd love to go for a swim. I'll hop in my pool! And surely, Matt, you want a boat that has... It does make sense. It has its own missile defense system. Surely you want that.

Oh yeah. Surely, yeah of course. As a bad boy for life, you want that. Yeah. But more than that, Matt, you want to be able to dip yourself in the pool. Yeah. If you want to cool off on a hot day on your boat. Yeah.

Because that would be the worst if you stranded on a boat with nowhere to swim. Yeah. You'd have to like, how do you get through, you'd get through all that water to find land where there's a pool, you know. No need. You can have a shower. B-Y-O pool. Sick.

That's bad, actually. Have a shower. Yeah. To even what universe is a shower, the same as jumping in a pool. Well, you haven't seen my soupie. Metaphor, euphemism. I said, anyway, Dave, to go on. Okay, things got really out of hand when he started to just kill anyone he thought was

against him. Anyone accused of treason was tortured or whipped to death. He also confiscated the property and wealth of any senator he killed he thought was treasonous, which is a bit of a conflict of interest because if you want someone's stuff you just kill him. Once he murdered a senator and when he was told that the man actually didn't have any money, Calicular apparently said, huh, what a waste. It's a bad guy. Yeah. Now some claim. He's not a think he's a bad guy. Hmm. I think he's misunderstood. Sorry, bad boy.

Sorry, misindependent Kelly Clarkson. Well, I think you felt like you couldn't trust anyone, especially his family members. So we started relying solely on members of his inner circle, made up exclusively of former slaves that he'd freed and owed their freedom to him. So he was like, I'm free, yeah, you wouldn't cross me. That was his theory. Then when he was 27 years old, he decided to declare himself a god. That time. After Empress started. I've seen it coming for a while. He had got like, absolutely. It's weird that it took him this time. He did a lot of smoting. That's when I started thinking might have been a God.

Jesus smoted a few. Old Testament stuff. Well, after Emperor's died, they were worshiped as Gods, but Colligula wanted that whilst he was still alive. Something that no one had ever done before. I get that. I kind of like to go to my infunal. Yeah.

You know? I see everyone. Where is there? Where is there anyone? Is there anyone rocking up? Oh God. I wish I had the same infunal. Anyone? Yeah, you know, I see everyone was there was anyone was anyone rockin oh God I wish I had to say no Anyone know This is a bit of an issue with the obituary. I don't know it's today No, we just know you're not dead just

Receive standing in the corner. This is the fifth time you've done this. Yeah. Just want to see if I could fill out an arena. Why did you book Rob Laver again? It's very expensive. I know. If everyone could pitch in. There's no one here.

It's what I would have wanted. So the God thing actually may have started out as a bit of a weird joke He used to perform as the God Jupiter or Venus. You know, he loves these little pantomimes Dressing up and then getting senators to bow before him. Enjoy that. Sure He decided to build a bridge to connect his palace to a nearby temple. Build a bridge He sat between two giant statues of Kaster and Pollix, so when anyone bowed and prayed to them, they were also praying to him. Hey, I'm here too, so... Suck dead! Praying to me! You're God!

One day he was standing in front of the statue of Jupiter, his King of the Gods, and he asked his friend, a famous actor named Appellis, who he thought was more powerful, me the emperor, or the king of the gods, Jupiter. Appellis was unsure how to answer, not wanting to say the wrong thing, because if you say the god, then you're fending the emperor, but if you say the emperor, then you're bagging out the top god. Yeah. For his hesitation, Caligula had his friend severely beaten. Oh my God.

It's for hesitating. Yeah. Sometimes I just like to think about things. Is that, hey, Caligula, tell me what you want me to say. I'll say whatever you like. I don't give a shit. I'm an actor. I say what other people want me to say. Yeah, feed me a laughin'.

A laughin'. Yeah, that's a weird one. Cause I would have said probably Caligula, cause he exists. I reckon either way that guy was gonna get a beaten. Right, oh, it was sent him. It's friend. He better believe that's paddling.

And they believed in these gods at this stage. The like so much. Right, they fully believed in the, yeah, the old school god stuff. And remember, keep your friends close, keep your enemies close. Yeah, that's right. Keep your enemies as a god. It's a Jupiter.

There's someone... Yeah, Jupiter, God of Gods. So he's... So that's the Roman gods. So what's the Greek version of that is... Zeus. Zeus and Jupiter of equivalents. There you go.

I like Zeus better. Zeus. Funnily the same. It's also a story of him wanting to change the statue of Zeus as face at Man Olympus to his face. Okay. That was something that he tried to do, but I don't think they let him do it. Interesting. Who's letting, well, it's weird. Is there anyone letting him do anything now? Feels like he just could just do it. He does, though. Well, people didn't want him to declare himself a god,

but he didn't anyway. And he had his own temple built for him as a god with a golden statue of him inside. The statue was dressed every day with an outfit that matched what he was wearing. Oh, yes! I know. Okay, I'm back on board now.

That's amazing. That's amazing. He's coordinated outfits with a gold statue of himself. And am I being naive here? I just thought they wore white togas every day with brown sandals. Am I thinking of the wrong period? Was this a real fashionista era?

Yeah, well, I think that is the, what today, Collegula. Well, this guy does like to, what today, Colligula, Well, this guy does like to dress up as stuff, so he could have been calling. He's a Nordy nurse one day, and then Nordy made out of day. So, it's Nordy with these. Yeah, he's Nordy. Tell the way in every day of the year if you're Colligula.

That's, I'm back on board, I love him. Oh, okay, you love him. That's I'm back on board. I love him. Oh, okay. You love him. That's awesome. The temple had a time of priests and each day sacrifices were also made to him. Okay. Now I'm back off again. He then tried to get a giant statue of himself installed in a sacred spot in Jerusalem. Back off. I'm on. Which would have severely upset the local Jewish population. The local off. The local governor there saw the trouble that that could cause and he stalled the idea on again Hoping that he would give up but the frozen yogurt is also That's good

Can I go now The final truth But that's such a good bit if there's anything people don't understand Assumance the Assumance reference. Yeah. Sorry. And just enjoy 10 great seasons. The final straw came for Caligula and Matt did also talk about this on Agrippin of the Young Graperside. When he announced he was moving his imperial court from Rome to Alexandria in Egypt, he would effectively be moving the capital of the Roman Empire because there was a rule that stated no senator could step foot in Egypt. If he went there, he could do what everyone did.

Because the senators couldn't do shit. Oh, okay. But this would negatively affect everyone in Rome, including the senators, the powerful Praetorian guard, who a lot of them would be out of work, because they don't work there either, and also the people themselves. Because if you move the capital, all the money goes with it as well.

So no one like this. So he just wants to take the money and be able to do whatever everyone. Even though he's already doing whatever the fuck you want. But he had gone too far, finally, and now too many people wanted him dead. Eventually, officers within the Praetorian Guard, led by Cassius Korea, succeeded in murdering their emperor. They did it. It was with the saxpillar, wasn't it? This mother didn't want the saxpillar. They got him. This actually probably would have been extra sweet for a

career, because Kalegula careers the head of the Praetorian Guard. Kalegula considered him effeminate because of his weak voice and not being firm with his text collection. And Caligula would mock Korea with names like Priyapus and Venus. The God of love. Girl names. Yes, he would mock him for his voice.

How do you get to the top of the Praetorian God if you're weak? I don't think you would have been that weak to me. You're absolutely right. I just think you like to make fun of everyone. And it would have been so sweet. Kalligula was attacked when walking through an underground corridor called the Cryptoporticus. Oh, I like that.

That is a word. Cryptoporticus. Beneath the Imperial Palace is basically it's a little bridge underneath where you can travel between places that the peasants can a little bridge underneath where you can travel between places that the peasants can't get to, so you can walk around Rome real quick. But Korea stabbed Kalegula first, followed by a number of conspirators, and a murder similar to his great-great-grandfather, Julius Caesar. Apparently, he was stabbed 30 times. That seems to be right. They just left him in a pool of his own blood.

The assassins then sought out and killed Kalegula's wife, Sazonia, and also killed their young daughter to make sure that no one would one day avenge his daughter. He had a wife? Yes, he did have a wife. Didn't mention that earlier. He married a lady. He was having sex with people all over the place. It may or may not have been his daughter.

He married an eight-month pregnant woman, then a month later she obviously gave birth and people were like, was that even your daughter? But he was so wild, it could have been anyone. He was having sex all over the shop. He probably had multiple children. But they took out- He didn't like dingers. But they killed her. So no harm, it's not on. Yeah, you got to Wrap it before you're fat. It's the true even fapping. Yeah, wow got to be safe. Easy to clean up. Yeah The You took him at shit all the time but that grossed you out

Yes, okay, well, we know he's trigger. Fabulous. I don't have one. Fabulous and rapid. So, Caligula was finally dead. The Senate attempted to use Caligula's death as an opportunity to restore the Republic. Rapid before you tap it. Probably an expulsions. Sorry, do you want? Probably an expulsence. Sorry, do your own. Fap it until you snap it. No! Oh, hang on. I'm not doing that wrong, man.

Should I snap it before I snap it? No, you should never snap. Does it snap like a glow stick? Oh, absolutely. This is horrible pumping sound. Oh, no. And then it glows? Yeah.

Oh, it glows. This weird blood red color anyway. Like blood? Oh, hang on. So the Senate anyway, I'm trying to wrap it up. I've got two sentences to go. The Senate attempted to use Caligula's death as an opportunity to restore the Republic, which is the way it was before they had an emperor.

It used to be a lot more, I guess, like a modern political system. Even though it was very corrupt and things, people would vote for stuff. They didn't have a supreme leader that they basically worshipped as a god. And they were hoping with him, God, gone, God, gone, that they could come back in

and then they'd be in charge again and then there'd be no more emperors. But sadly, the Praetorian Guard, because they protect the emperor, they went against the Senate and quickly and discreetly had Claudius declared as the successor of Caligula. Claudius was Caligula's uncle. And pretty much the only surviving member of that family. So he was the fourth Emperor. I mean, the Emperor just got stabbed 30 times. Do you really want that job now?

God, it's a bit... And I. Once you stab one emperor, you can stab them all. Then you're like, oh, we can stab the emperor. Yeah, it does set a precedent that really shouldn't be set. All up, Caligula only ruled for 1400 days, just under four years, and he died nearly 2,000 years ago, but thanks to a lot of bizarre behavior, we still know his name today. And that was it then again? Little bits. Colgate. And that is my report on Caligula. Dave you didn't even ask for that applause we gave it willingly. Thank you that's so lovely

appreciate that. Now ask for and see how different it sounds. And that is my report on Caligula. Clap for me. It's like I'm on my little dance to the senators. Now clap. Yeah. Okay. Alright.

Yay. That was a great day. I followed all of that I think. Did you follow it? Yeah. So I tried to make it not too complicated. Yeah, you's a great day. I followed all of that I think did you follow it? Yeah So I tried to make it not too complicated But they did well there and then also I didn't want to go over too much ground that we had with Agri opinion the younger But isn't it cool that two thousand years later? There's members of the same family a brother and sister and we can do a whole episode on each and and probably each of their brothers and sisters and

Justice fascinating lines. Yeah, I Don't think anyone's gonna be talking about me in 2000 years. No, no one's talking about you now. But, that's true. But also, he was a terrible guy. So do you wanna be talked about that? No, no. Cause yeah, he's sucked.

He was awful. He did some horrible things. He was horrible. Absolutely terrible. And he ruled for a short amount of time. He was dead before, like younger than you, was he 28, you say? Yeah, or about that age.

Yeah. Yeah. See, I've outlived him already. Just a kid. Sucked in, dickhead. Got it. Yeah, that's right, I don't know. Legend, silly.

Yes, he was 28 years old. 28 club. Good on him. Good, huh? Wait, no. Bad on him. Bad on him. Bad on him. Yeah, that was such a fascinating story. You had me at he dressed his. Yeah, that really one you're over. I loved that. You're on board. I kind of want to statue of me and then I can put outfits on it and be like, yeah, that looks sick. Or put it on and go, oh, that's terrible. What was I thinking?

Like I didn't put that on real me. You know? It's like in Clueless. I was thinking that too with the, yeah, but that's sort of the modern version. But that was like so ahead of itself. Like that didn't exist then. That was the 90s.

It doesn't exist now. Yeah, it was like, it was, I guess it was meant to be a joke thing of the future. But like she was just they were wealthy and she had that sort of uh I'm clear. That's more like clued in to technology. Mara. Matt you're so right. Thank you. Dave well done great report. Thank you so much. Dave would you mind if I

just jump in here? At the end of the show. Do I get asked? Just let me handle this. Dave is OK if I just jump in here at the end of the show. Please, just jump right in. And just get into one of everyone's favorite segments. One of everyone's favorite segments.

I don't just everyone's favorite segment. No. Let's just say it I don't just every one's favorite segment. No. Let's just say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. All right, okay. It's called Fact Query to Query. It's the segment where Patreon supporters of the show, if you go to patreon.com.sech.do.com on pod, you can support the show and you get different kind of rewards and such things

to show our gratitude or really whatever, I'm not sure. Including two bonus episodes every month that no one else here is. Yes. That's one of my favorite rewards. I've got a tell you. That's a great reward. And also, other such things as shout outs and this one, affect a quote or a question. I mean, also just getting to choose the topics which this week's topic was voted on by

the page. Yeah, thank you so much. Two out of three of the episodes, basically, every, no, every three weeks, two of them. Yeah, we'll be voted for. Two out of three episodes every, you're gonna say month? Yeah. I'll say my that.

I'm happy to be wrong. Anyway, one of the rewards is a fact-quot of question. That's where people on a certain level, I think it's the Sydney Sharnberg, Rest in Peace level, of Patreon get to give us a fact, a quote or a quest, Yon. And this week, the fact,

quote or question comes from a man named Jeremy Swade. Ooh. That's a nice name. I like that. He asks a question. Love a question. Give him some of a title. Yes, I'll get to that.

Oh, exciting. Question is, ever since Pearl Jam released that song, Jeremy, often when I meet people for the first time, I'll get asked, so did you speak in class today? Or with my last name? Do you have any blue shoes? Is there something out there that people always associate with you? And it just gets on your nerves every time. And his title is the

official Jeremy who did not speak in class today. Well, let's just all take the time to do our best Eddie veteran pression. Ernie Boer. I never knew. I've sung along that song a lot and I did not know. That's what he said. Jeremy Spocker's broke her. And I think it's about a school shooting. And I think it's about a school shooting. I knew that Jeremy spoke and but I didn't know. Ernie Boer today.

That's what he says. There you go. If I met Jeremy Swade, I would not sure, today is already says, there you go. If I met Jeremy Sway, I would have said, oh Jeremy, is it? Well, did you burn the bird? Hahaha. And I imagine that would be equally annoying. We all have quite vanilla names. That's the problem.

I got a bit of Jesse's girl. Oh yeah. And in mumbo number five, a little bit of Jessica here I am. Yeah, that's the problem. I got a bit of Jesse's girl. Oh yeah. And in mumbo number five, a little bit of Jessica here I am. Oh, okay. But that was self-inflicted. I was like, here I am. You know, I loved it at the disco. Yeah. Oh, I love it. I'd wait for that. I look so fucking smug until it got to my name because you guys have so many names. And then you get to Jessica, I'd just be looking around my group like, oh, what is that? Shut up, Monica. It's my time for Sean. Who's that? I know. None of you call me like, oh, what is that? Shut up, Monica, it's my time for a show.

Who's that? I know, none of you call me Jessica, but it is technically more known. I love how people say to me, you're my name David. Well, they don't think I've shortened it. I think I was born a Dave. Ah.

Happy for that. Yeah, right. Yeah, I don't often, Warnaki also doesn't have many. No. There's a lot of Dave's. A lot of comedy Dave's. Hmm, let's show you. Yeah, people that shoot my No. There's a lot of daves. A lot of comedy daves. Mm.

Let's show you. Yeah, people that shoot him out are comedian, because of my name. Dive her funny fella. Got to be a comedian, this one. King David over here, hey. Yeah, sculpted by Michael Angelo over here. Oh, you're slaying Goliath over here, all right?

All right, take down the big ones. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I just hated everything you said. Sorry about that. Sorry, sorry. I just had a moment where you repulsed me, and I can't, I'm sorry about that. Well, I try not to vomit every time I look at you.

Thank you, thank you for trying. Matt, did you get anything? No, I mean Matt, Matt's got to be of my generation. This would be the most common name. I think about five or more years either side of me being born, it was the most common name for boys. You're telling me that you never get, Matthew Spolker out.

No, you never get that. There's a great custom song called A New Matthew, but that didn't get on my nerves, I liked it. That's like Mamba number five. Yeah, yeah, that's really on my nerves. Matthew and Son, Cat Stevenson. Matthew and Son, the worst ever done. Did people, I've never, I don't think anyone's ever said to me

up at eight, can't be late. From Matthew and Son, he won't wait. No one's ever said that to me. But I really hope something goes there. Boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, let's chew it, nothing from stew it. I've never said that to me. I really gonna say Rod Stewart's probably more famous than that. The Mayan Stewart. What about Payne Stewart, the Gulfa?

No, these aren't people. He's the one who used to wear his socks real high, like that classic Gulf star. Oh, no, playing crash. Stewart Crosland, from the police. Oh, yeah. Stewart C. What did you do? He was the first Stewart I could think of of but I was like surely there's more famous

But he's the number one Stewart that comes up in the number one Stewart We're also selling I also occasionally because there's a Matthew Stewart who's a horse Racing journalist in Melbourne people will mention that on occasion people normally saying useless tipper but it's I think in his defense is going for the big, it's gone, he's not going for the obvious ones. Yeah. And defense of Matt Stewart. He prefers Matthew. Oh, sorry. Don't know why he puts on his boil on Matt, but I don't know. I don't know if that was a helpful answer. Sorry, Jeremy. But Jeremy, I'm sorry, but we have spoken. We have very boring names. And class today. One more time. Swade is a sick name by the way. Yeah, that is so good. That is a great

thing. That is amazing that your name Jeremy means that people still reference a song from, but that's pushing 30 years ago now, right? I mean, 91 or 92, Jeremy, I'm pretty sure. Like imagine if your name was Roxanne. Oh yeah, that's hard. Yeah, people would be telling you, put on your red light, or not having, you don't have to. You don't have to. You can.

But you don't have to. Roxanne. Great drumming comes to your Copeland, am I right? Great drumming. Great basing from Sting and great guitar from the other guy. His name, I definitely. The edge. Yes, thank you.

God, he's so versatile. He is, as well. I play guitar in two bands. The other thing. The other thing that we always do at the end of the episode. Yes. Thank you to Joey, but we also like to thank some other people who have contributed to our Patreon, and we do that by reading out their names, and giving them some kind

of title. But I don't know. I can't. How do I tie it back to today's title? What about we had little boots, they're little somethings? Oh, that's a door above! Well, allow me to kick her off That's adorable! Well, allow me to kick her off with a shout out to a man from Cheshire. Cheshire. In Great Britain. Aaron Walker. I feel so appropriate.

Little... Little sneakers. Little sneakers. Oh, he's so sneaky. Just sneaking. Yeah. I like that little sneakers. Oh, as he would call them little trainers. Little sneakers. Little sneakers. Always a sneaker. Just sneaking. Yeah. I like that little sneakers.

Hey Walker. Oh, as he would call them little trainers. Little trainers. That's a British version of sneakers. But I like it. We call them runners. I know. What a good outfit.

I love it. I love ones where Australia, America and England have a different age. And Rome, called them calligulas. So, the big form. There aren't many of those though. I think most will normally have say a word, the same as either in Inga nor in America. We'll take one of the other you're right.

But like, yeah, that one obviously. I'm wondering if maybe they say one of them say run as well, but there's like, we say box parties, English say, stag parties in America say, bachelor parties. I wonder if there are many others like that where we all have some different. It's crazy. Tweet in with you aunt. Yeah. I'd actually like to hear it. Yeah.

That'd be really cool. Yeah, like, or we call them thongs, whereas Americans call them flip flops. I want to the British call them. They don't wear them. It's cold. I think they would call them flip flops as well. Right. But I want to keep our walker to little sneakers because it's sneaky and cute. Oh! All the trainers, not as cute, unless you think you have tiny little mice, training for the Olympics.

Now I'm back on board. Like Stuart Little. Oh, yeah! The other Stuart little came off. The big two played by Michael J. Fox. You never got my favorite MJ. No, I never got Stuart it's true a little, because I'm the big, big boy.

Thank you so much, Aaron Walker, for your support. Your little sneakers, your little bloody trainers, your little runners. Little sneaky. Take your pick. I'd also love to thank from Fort Worth, Texas, which is near Dallas, which is connected to Pantera. That was something in the last album that references Fort Worth a lot.

And from Fort Worth, I'd love to thank Daniel Hung. What about Little Dallas? Little Dallas. Because Fort Worth is a... He's falling on the outside of Dallas. Yeah, that's true. Little Dallas. Little Dallas. I love that, little Dallas. Are. Little Dallas. Little Dallas.

I love that. Little Dallas. Are you happy with my pronunciation there, is there? Daniel? Maldon. Hong. Hoang. Hoang.

Hoang. Hoang. No, it's not going to be Hoang. Hoang. It'll be. Sorry Daniel. Hong. Like, Hong.

Say it's 60 different ways and then you can edit it out. That's wrong. Hang Hoot-huong Hat-hang 60 for us. It has become a thing where it's for some people it's an honor where we miss pronounced it. Yeah Some people say yeah, you're born in the face if you've pronounced it right. Oh, so you're gonna fuck it up Fort Worth so you call it Little Dallas. Can I thank you? Oh yeah, Little Dallas.

Little Dallas. Can I thank some people as well? Yes, please. Thank you. I just like to underline my thanks for Aaron and Daniel. Now you can move on. Oh, thank you. Well, I'd like to say another Daniel,

this Daniel from Carmichael, California. Oh, California. Daniel McMains. Oh, Danny, California. Daniel, McMains. Oh, Danny McMains. Danny McMains, unless you hate Danny, sorry. No, he calls himself Danny McMains online. Oh good, okay. Danny McMains it is.

He probably gets Danny Boy a bit. Oh, Danny Boy. Uh, little... Sandy. Little Sandy. You were seeing the I say thames on Those are brats a little sandy. Hey wouldn't want to be a little sandy. Yeah, whoof. Oh, he's a little sandy Someone's been a little

The surfing lawyer Danny McMains you know when you go to the beach and then for like three days after that, you just sand everywhere? Oh, everywhere. You shower three days later, you're like, this is more sand in my ass crack. Oh, it's worse. It's better. It's better sand in my underwear.

Me too, Homer. Let's go home. Now he runs back, puts more in. Swivels it around. It's funny bit. So thank you, Danny McMean's little sandy and I'd also like to thank from Fort Lottodale. A couple of Florida. Yeah, I love a good fort. So do I. Jason, ah, Ramzeran. Ramzeran? Ramzeran away. And I ran rems are in a way

I'm so run away What's a little flock of seagulls that's good day I'm so Oh bad, I'm so sorry. We were just talking about Jeremy's smoking like Do you Jason either is the first or the millionth time you've got I rems are in a way Um, can he just can he just be the little seagull? Yes. Little seagull. Little seagull, love that.

Loves chippies. Oh, who does him? Chippies! Can I get chippies on my home? That's what is that one that's in Australia we call hot chips, we call them hot chips. Yeah. In America they call them fries, are they?

Yeah. And then what do they call them in England? They're with chips as Yeah. In America they call them fries. Yeah. And then what do they call them in England? They're chips as well. Chips because packet crisps are crisp. Like some crisps. We just call everything chips. Chips. That's keep it simple. It's a potato. If it's a chip of a potato, it's a chip. Chip a lot of chip. What are Americans call crisps chips? Cold chips. Potato chips. They call them potato chips. And what do they call hot chips? For us. Potato for us. What a weird place.

Can't get mad around it. David, would you like to think some people? Oh, I'd love to think some people. And this one is a real challenge, both in the terms of the name and the place. So thank you so much for this. I would like to thank Flom. Did you just say flam? That's not a strong stuff coming up from Flugaville.

And that is PF Lugaville in Texas. Flugaville. I would like to thank John Paul, Mbachu, Mb, ACH, little Pope, a little John Paul, little Pope is a good name. Little Pope, little Pope. Oh little John Paul. Little Pope is a good name actually. Little Pope. From Flugaville, Texas, John Paul, Mbachu, aka Little Pope. We've just, we've just sent a little, a little bit of smoke at our little pop. Don't worry. We've elected you the little Pope. All right. My little Pope is pumping white smoke.

You're chauf? I'm chauf pumping white smoke. You're chuff? Well, I'm chuffin white smoke. Thank you so much, John Paul. Okay. Little pup. Little pup. Little pup. And finally, I would like to thank from London in London.

Why did you read it that way? It's funny. London London. I would like to thank Alexander. Jan Mohamed. Alexander, John Mohamed. John Mohamed. She's got the great batch of knives. It's a striking name, isn't it?

Alexander. I'm going to say little, you're going to say the first thing that comes to your mind. You want me to fully blanket? Three. Okay, time, baby. Little. Shorts. Little shorts. Okay, time, baby. Nine, little. Shorts.

Little shorts. So what is that? Shorts. New-tipped shorts. Shorts. Halfway between shorts and shorts. Shorts. Shorts.

Shorts. Okay, what does that mean? Does anyone know? Little. Shorts. Shorts. Dave's googling. I'm going to Google Shorts.

Shorts. It's going to say, did you mean shorts? And I say, absolutely not. Hahaha. Showing results for Swords, no. No. Swords. Striped, knit, bimuda, shrot. People have just misspelled the words.

Swords. Swords. Little Swords. Hey. I love it. I like it. I like it. Yeah.

Swords. I thought I said shorts. You kind of. Well, there was a hour in there. I think there's a rogue hour in there. Right. Shorts. Shorts and shorts. Short, wrought. Shorts.

The big short and the little shorts. That's the sequel to the film, the big short. The short holding out for. It's a good film day. It was. It's very interesting. Very interesting. It's something that my mum would It's a good film day. It was. It's very interesting. Interesting is something that my mum would call something she does not like. It was interesting. No, it was a clever. That's what my mum would say.

A great production value. She'd say about something that I've been involved in. You look like you're having fun. It finished. Best was my dad came to my first French festival show doing stand up and he said it was actually quite good. Oh that's nice. Actually quite good. No, sorry.

Actually not quite good. No he said that was better than I'd expected. No. It's quite as nice. I mean both of them whoop backhanders but that was... He was aiming really high. Yeah. I thought it was going to be excellent and you were perfection. Yeah. We had a way to say that. I don't think that was it to be honest, and that 20 c to bedroom of a weird hotel. But art. Art. Hey. How about it? That's what we do. That's what we're going to do.

We're artists. We suffered for arts. Now you can too. It's a bottom. It is, yeah. Well, thanks everyone. I appreciate it actually, but. Thanks to everyone that supports our through Patreon. And just by downloading the show in the first place,

if you want to help us out, if you can't support the Patreon, that's fine, but maybe you want to tell someone about the show. Spread the word, download it on a coworker's phone, make your mom listen to it and she'll go, oh yeah, subscribe. That's better than I expected. Give us a review, link to us on Spotify or an Acast, anything like that.

Honestly, every little bit helps against the show out there. So if you want to help the show keep growing so we can keep doing it every week forever, share it. Every week forever. I did not sign up to that. If you care for it, share for it. Thank you. Yeah.

And remember, keep fapping to hear a snap. No, don't do that. All right. And once it's happened, wrap it with the bandage. And go to hospital. Yeah. If you've snapped your penis. Stem, the bleeding. When I was in high school, there was a little splint.

There was a show that we would sometimes watch at my friend Tom's house. His dad had foxtail and it was called when sex goes wrong. It was a late night time on the comedy channel. And then I can tell you that there are many stories out there of people breaking it. Yeah. Let me just say that. Yeah, yeah, you can break it. And but I would say don't. Don't worry.

And you do. You have to buy it. And it is awful. Yeah. Anyway, I've been wisdom for you there. We are deep, deep artists as I keep telling you. And you can get in contact at any time via Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, at dogoonpod. We've got an email, dogoonpod.gmail.com. And this is a good time to remind people that the way you suggest a topic is via putting

it into Jack the Hat, McViddy, which is this little link to that in the description of this episode or on our website. Suggest a topic is the little tab you click. Pretty much every topic we do comes out of that hat. That's right. And you don't have to be a patron support to do that. Anyone can suggest a topic and we'll shout out to you if we choose your topic, but yeah,

sometimes we get tweets and emails and stuff suggesting the topic. Basically, we go, hey, awesome. Put it in the hat. Because yeah, otherwise they just go missing and we'll forget to thank you or forget, we'll just get lost. You won't get a shout out.

So if you want to do that, anyone can do that at any time link below But apart from that we've put up we're putting up some more live episodes on the YouTube The do you want to see some videos of our live shows in the UK you can check them out on YouTube.com slash do go on pod um in the last week we we put up a couple, they're including the big last one in London, but I'll be putting them up sporadically over the coming weeks and months,

and then hopefully catching up and being up to that again. So many, many exciting things happening in foot. We're gonna try and organize some more live shows coming to you. Just me, live show at my house. Yeah, I'll to you. Yes. Me? Yeah. Live show at my house. Yeah, very great. So four tickets. That's a little fantasy.

That would be great. Okay, three tickets. It is a small house. Alrighty. Alright, team, thank you so much for listening to the episode. And until next week, I will say thank you and I will say goodbye. Later. Bye!

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