Do Go On - 469 - Alexander The Great

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Alexander The Great was crowned king of Macedon at twenty and went off to conquer the world... and he just kept going! One of the most epic stories from the ancient world, this is the seventh most voted for topic of Block 2024. This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 07:25 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodLive show tickets: https://dogoonpod.com/live-shows/ For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Do Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and presentREFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.worldhistory.org/Alexander_the_Great/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diogenes https://www.britannica.com/biography/Philip-II-king-of-Macedonia/Legacyhttps://www.history.com/topics/ancient-greece/alexander-the-great https://www.britannica.com/biography/Alexander-the-Great https://www.historyskills.com/classroom/ancient-history/anc-philip-ii-reading/?srsltid=AfmBOopXirlb02Bb7JRoty3vmAZfeT7BlKhkKHNvzqfa_DVFyb3l9ieK https://www.thecollector.com/philip-ii-of-macedon/https://www.britannica.com/biography/Philip-II-king-of-Macedonia/Legacyhttps://www.history.com/topics/ancient-greece/alexander-the-great https://www.dancarlin.com/product/hardcore-history-71-mania-for-subjugation/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Matt here just to let you know that yes, we are coming to Europe really soon, but before that I'm going to be doing shows in Geelong and Brisbane, and I would love to see you at those shows. So, Brisbane is on the 19th of October, and Geelong on the 31st of October, and then after the Do Go On Tour of Europe, I'm going to be doing three Who Knew It shows in London on the 17th of November, Leicester on the 21st of November, and Edinburgh on the 23rd of November.

And you can get tickets to all these shows at matstewittcomedy.com. Looking forward to seeing you there. This message comes from BetterHelp. Can you think of a time when you didn't feel like you could be yourself? Like you were hiding behind a mask? BetterHelp online therapy is convenient, flexible, and can help you learn to be your authentic self so you can stop hiding. Because masks should be for Halloween fun, not for your emotions.

Take off the mask with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and as always I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Well well well, if it isn't my tiny little henchmen. Yeah, what any orders, your majesty? To walk around and be small sometimes I think yeah, I am really good at improv and I just proved it to myself once again Started a sentence not sure where it's gonna go still not entirely sure where it ended up

I'm in a beautiful place and it just makes me want to ask a question. How good is it to be alive? Oh, I mean personally, I wish I was never bored but at this time of the year, would you make an exception? Oh my God, yes. Because it is the most wonderful time. I'm born again. Born again. Every October, you are born again for blockbustertober, blocktober, the biggest month,

nay, two months since we've annexed November on the Do Go On calendar. Oh my gosh, we're counting down, Matt. the most requested, the biggest, the baddest in the best way, topics. That's right. We've got a short list of 400 or so topics that were suggested by our patrons and the most suggested topics in the hat, Jack the Hat McViddy, which everyone can stop right now and put in suggestions if you're thinking of a great topic that we could do.

And then we put that out to a public vote and that whittled the list down to the top nine, which we've been working out. Yes, a whittle list. A whittle. And yeah, all the top nine all got at least, I think, 22% of the vote or more. Today's topic got over 23% of the vote. Wow. Huge. A lot of people wanted this topic. Yeah. And it is big. Today's topic got over 23% of the vote. Wow. Huge. A lot of people wanted this

topic. Yeah. And it is big. It's bad. Oh. Let's get into it right now. Oh my god, exciting. Are you going to ask a question like we normally do to get on a topic? Seeing as Jess and I I think kind of know what the topic is. I have no, I don't remember. I have no remember. This is the kind of- I have no remember. As I always say, I have no remember. You can't really fault that. I have no, I know. I know. I have no remember.

And you've proven it right then. Yeah. I have no remember how to speak. Now, I think you will remember the topic when I give you the question, because usually we are completely in the dark on what each other are going to talk about, but in Block we have to divvy up the list. Matt gets the top nine and we get three each, but a little guest might be coming up. What?

We might have a guest reporter. What the fuck? This is exciting. You guys are going to start running stuff by me. Okay, okay, here we go. I knew this would happen. You know what, actually- Diva Perkins, here she is.

Oh, why don't you let me know what's happening? Just keep me abreast. Yeah. I'd love to just know what's happening in my life ahead of time. Fuck. It was unreasonable. I do apologize. Yeah.

And then when we tried to keep you abreast, you said, fuck you, I'm on holiday. Well, I was on holiday. Sorry. And still fuck you and you figure it out. Now, let's see if you remember this. The following rulers and monarchs have all been given what title? They're all called The Something. We've got Catherine. The Aragon.

Not bad. Cyrus. The virus. From Connay. Say Onara. Not bad. Cyrus. The virus from Connay. Cy-o-nara. Great line. Frederick the something. The fancy. The fancy.

Frederick the fancy. Are these all the same or are these all? It's all the same, yeah. Peter the. Vengeful. You can't trust Peter. I can help you because my first email was Jess the Great. Wow, and now it's Jess the Ventral.

Now it's Jess the Ventral. Peter the Piddleful. Is it, wait, how do you spell great? G-R-A-T-E. It is the Great Jess, you are correct, but spelled a different way. Oh, okay. So something a bit different. Okay.

So it's Catherine, Catherine, Cyrus, Frederick, Peter, Tamar was the last one. The Great. But we're here to talk about probably. Tamar the Toe. Tamar the Great would have taken the head off us and calling them Tamar the Toe. But we're here to talk about probably the greatest of them all. Tamar the Toe. Sorry. I'd do anything for them, whoever they were. Tamar the Toe. Tamar the Toe. Sorry. I'd do anything for them, whoever they were.

Tamar the Toe. Tamar the Toe. You're talking the greatest of them all. Jess, the great underscore 16, my first email address. Yes. You couldn't, you couldn't, there's 15 others. Wow, 16's our favourite number. Yeah, me too.

So this is the seventh most voted for Block 2024. It is Alexander the Great. Ooh. Know the name, know nothing about him. Totally same. I mean, I named my first email after him and I know absolutely nothing. I wasn't after Tamar. Tamar? Tamar. Tamar the Toe.

Oh yeah, sorry. So yeah, I know, I would probably guess he's from the Northern Hemisphere. Okay. Not fromisphere. Okay. Not from Antarctica. Okay, rule that out. And maybe, but yeah, I don't know, he's like Roman or Macedonian or Egyptian or Russian. Yeah, any of those. Yep. Well, you got two, right?

Oh. Wait, he's two? He's two of those things? Yeah, we'll find out. Well, if you get to be Swiss Italian, then it can be two things. If you start conquering the world, you get to be like, I'm that as well. Yeah, that's mine. That's mine. That is also mine.

So the great is an example. I didn't know what to call that. It's of a cognomen, which is appended before or after the person's name. Others you might have heard of. Ivan the Terrible. Oh, that's a good one. Edward the Confessor. I looked up a list and some of my favorites include John George the First, the Elector of Saxony, called The Beer Jug.

Oh. John the Beer Jug. That's that's that's pretty good. I'm picturing a sentient beer jug, but that's pretty great. Ivan the First of Russia. Ivan the Moneybags. Oh, OK. Really? Yeah, these pretty great. Ivan the First of Russia. Ivan the Moneybags. Oh, OK. Really? Yeah, these are great. Peter the First of Portugal.

Peter, the till the end of the world passionate. Oh, that's a mouthful. Yeah, too early. I want to go with the pumpkin eater. Yeah. And finally- You're very good at this. I think I have an idea for our Patreon game.

We're going to give him a Cognacinamon. Yeah, yeah, cinnamon. Cognacinamon. What Cinnamon. Cognacinnamon. What was it called? Cognamin. I was not far off then. Yeah. And what would you call a Avalo of Bulgaria, Matt?

The- Ooh, Avalo. The- here if you need. I'm Avalo. All I call Avalo, the cabbage. Oh, that's so good. Avalo the cabbage. Oh, that's so good. Avelo the cabbage. Oh my lord.

And I'm guessing that's not a positive, because they're not all nice, are they? Yeah, the terrible. The unready? I'm pretty good. Who was the unready? Ethel? Ethel the unready, was it? Yeah, the unready's, you know what they're saying there.

This guy was not up to it. Yeah, that's brutal. Ethel Red the Unready was king of the English. There you go. All right, so today we're not talking about the cabbage or the beer jug. We're talking about Alexander the Great, which not surprisingly has been suggested as a topic by quite a few people, being a very famous person and being so high on the block list. And thank you to William Young from Hull in England, Leon from New Zealand, Max Edmonds

from Bristol, Lenny Hoynes from Norway, Peter Grove from Kidaminstawutchester in the UK, Lorraine Gray from Sydney, Andy Johnson from The Wirral, also in the UK, Kieran Darcy from Birmingham, Brayden from Brisbane, Joseph Busby from Wellington, New Zealand, Keith O'Huguen, originally from Sligo in Ireland, but at the time of suggestion was living in Vancouver. I like that kind of- Thanks Keith. Let's hit where were you born?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where'd you go to school? Yeah. Wait, did you move around a bit as you born? Yeah. Where'd you go to school? Yeah. Wait, did you move around a bit as a kid? Yeah, come on. Why? And how, yeah, why, why, why are you leaving us hanging, man? Yeah, yeah.

What's your, what's your full address now? We do ask a lot of questions. What your mother's maiden name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. First pet. Also, Kevin Packrad from Wingdow, New York, Michael Schneider from Israel, Josh Monson from Christchurch, Julian McMahon Hyde from Geelong, Sarah Smith from Dublindow, New York, Michael Schneider from Israel, Josh Monson from Christchurch, Julian McMahon Hyde from Geelong, Sarah Smith from Dublin and Ireland, and finally,

Anna from somewhere in the ACT. Whoa. Awesome. Yeah, that's a few different places. And it goes back, like, since we started the pod, basically, many, many years, people have been trying to get us to talk about Alexander the Great. Now a bit of a note up top. Alexander the Great is probably the most famous person of the ancient world and is one of the most famous people who ever lived.

But he lived ages ago. Well before Jesus, before the Roman Empire, before sliced bread, very long time ago. Before sliced bread. When was sliced bread? How the fuck were they eating bread? Like a snake. You're jamming in, you gob! Good luck to you.

Dislocate your jaw! Dave, here's the thing. Sometimes you're very funny. Sometimes. Yeah, maybe once every 10 episodes or so. Yeah, yeah. And I always make sure to point it out. And always catch his dress off guard.

Wait, what? Me? A comedian? Funny. So he lived ages ago. Yeah, yeah. Like so, so've got. Wait, what? Me? A comedian? Funny. So he lived ages ago. Yeah. Not many contemporary sources of his time have survived. And a lot of what we know is from ancient historians who are also very old, but

they're writing from at least a couple of hundred years later. Wow. Who did at the time have access to the contemporary accounts. But even though the original sources are lost, thankfully, the new accounts based on them have survived. This is giving TikTok vibes in that you're immediately defensive. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, here's a recipe for this chicken.

Now, if you have an allergy to something, I'm really sorry. That's there's immediate defensiveness. If you don't eat poultry. Yeah. This recipe is probably not for you. But somebody will still comment and be like, I don't eat chicken. This recipe is probably not for you. But somebody will still comment and be like, I don't eat chicken. And be like, OK, don't make this recipe. They can't quite make that step themselves.

So you're just saying that, look, this is from such a long time ago. Yeah, but I'm being defensive up top so we can have more fun with it, basically, because we have to factor in that Alexander had his own biographers that traveled with him. He was a fantastic self-promoter, was viewed as a literal god on Earth. So some of it needs to be taken with like a mine full of salt. Yeah. But what? Now, the saying taken with a grain of salt means you're taking it like with a tiny

thing, a mine full of salt. Too much. What do we- what does that mean? You've changed a saying that has a very, like, simple meaning. Take it with this tiny thing. But you're saying a mine full mindful assault now I don't understand. Do you wanna say why I'm being defensive up top? Absolutely.

Because of the assholes like this on YouTube. Yeah, you got this guy. I know, he's a nightmare. I don't understand. What do you mean? What I'm trying to say is, if you want a fact checked account where every three sentences they say,

but this account is debated, or we're not sure it actually happened like this, then there are literally hundreds of books and documentaries on this guy, and other podcasts with interviews with historians, but we're not historians, we're comedians, and this is Block, where we take on the biggest and wildest stories.

So what I'm saying is I want to believe. Yeah, yeah, you know what? I'm gonna lean in. I'm gonna believe everything. Okay, well I guess I'm gonna have to be scully here, Mulder. I don't know. And it's gotta be, I don't know, Mulder. I don't know, Alexander.

There's gotta be a scientific explanation, Alexander. Not so great. So I'm gonna try and give, I'm gonna give the most fun account of an adventure story that's quite frankly in some bits hard to believe. But it is one of the most famous people who ever lived and let's find out why. That was a great vibe. Love that. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. That was really for you. It was setting the tone for fun. For fun. Tingles. Yes. Yes. I can see you've got goosebumps, man.

I've got literal goosebumps from a goose. You've got to get that looked at. Yeah, I don't know, Mulder. So the man who would one day be known to history as Alexander the Great was born Alexander the Third in Pella, a city in Macedonia, Matt. Oh, okay. Great work. That's so funny how the Brian sometimes either gets very lucky or maybe knows deep down-

But I love the way you remember a fact. It's like you're on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and there are four options there. Was it Rome? Was it Macedonia? Was it Russia? That's one of these. Can I ask the audience? He was born in 356 BCE, so closing in on 2,400 years ago.

Wow. Long time. I think my brain works like a medium does, you know, in front of a live audience. Like, I'm getting a Macedonian, Russian, someone have an uncle with a J in their name. The Kingdom of Macedonia was a region on the northern part of the Greek peninsula. And before the fourth century BCE, Macedonia was a small kingdom outside of the area dominated by the great city-states of the area, dominated by the great city-states of the day, including Athens, Sparta and Thebes.

One man changed that all, and that was Alexander's father, Philip II. Would you believe that this king was a nepo baby? Oh, my God. Classic. What? For two thousand years we've been doing this. Yeah. God, the rich getting richer and the rest of us poor.

Can't believe it. Are you telling me his parents were hyperlinked on Wikipedia? Oh yeah. Do you always know? You're like, oh, okay. Oh, here we go. Yeah. Had a bit of a head start this guy.

So Alexander was one of the most fortunate nepo babies in all of history and it was all set up for him by his dad, Philip II, who was the 18th king of Macedon and a fucking badass whose family claimed descent from Hercules. So not bad to have that in your blood. Or at least you think it's in your blood. Yeah, and they would have fully believed at the time, right? Because Hercules wasn't real, right? No.

This is before the cartoon. He's like Hercules wasn't real, right? No. This is before the cartoon. He's like half god, half man, right? Yeah. Before the cartoon, before Ian Sorbo, whatever. Kevin Sorbo. Kevin Sorbo. Kevin Sorbo, is it? No, Kevin Sorbo.

You're right, it's Kevin Sorbo. Again, 50-50. Who played Hercules in the 90s TV show? A. Ian Sorbo. B. Kevin Sorbo. Matt's like, oh. I'm going Sorbo. B. Kevin Sorbo. Matt's like, oh. I'm gonna wait for C. Let's see.

So this is the time when Philip was born anyway, when kingdoms would send young royals to other more dominant kingdoms and city states as hostages as a pledge that they wouldn't do anything bad. Kind of like, we have your son, so if you invade us or piss us off, we'll just kill your son. Bit of collateral. And they just have them ready to go at all times. Yeah, we've got- and I think you can live a pretty free life walking around, but it's like, your son's right there, if you invade, we'll just chop his head off. And they go, oh no, it's all good. And then you see your dad invading, you're like, oh dad, you're embarrassing me. Dad, I'm gonna get my head chopped off. Oh, dad. When you see your dad invading you're like, oh dad, you're embarrassing me.

Dad, I'm gonna get my head chopped off. Oh dad. Dad. Can't you drop off the army around the corner? Can you give me a heads up please? Please. Dad. Dads are so embarrassing.

Oh my god. Driving their old car. Oh, it's such a dumb. Oh dad. Always listening to Fleetwood Mac. Dad music. Come on. Dads have no taste. They listen to awful stuff like Fleetwood Mac. He won't stop playing rumours. Oh, don't hurt. Billy Joel. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. We get it, he didn't start the fire. Okay.

So according to Britannica, when a child, Philip himself spent some time as a hostage at Thebes, which was the leading city along with Athens of that decade, where the great Epiminondas, the most inventive tactician of all Greek generals until then, was in charge of the best army in Greece. So, young Philip was pretty free to wander the city and this gave him some great military ideas. And when he was sent home to Macedonia, where his brother was on the throne, he was given a command of part of the army. His brother unexpectedly died during an invasion from one of their neighbours, the Illyrians, and the kingdom of Macedonia was in absolute crisis and it was very dicey times. Feels, don't you reckon, like of all the NAPO jobs, to just like jump up to be in control of an army seems bonkers? Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, no, I wandered around the streets, I had some ideas.

I got some military ideas. I got some military ideas. Who's playing with tanks, by little toys, and like little army men. Pew pew pew! I got ideas. Yeah, I looked through the fence and they were doing something, and I was stabbing. Yeah. Yeah, I got it from here. You go.

Sorry, when I say I have military ideas, I meant more in like fashion. Yeah. Like I think I have ways I can improve the form and fit of their uniforms. I mean, car key, it's been done. Let's do navy. Much more flattering. Goes with more, you know, more universal depending on your palette. Yes. And that's another one of my ideas. Everyone gets their colour wheel done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to add a chunky belt. Ooh, yes.

But not like, not with like stuff on it, like a, I don't know, like a tool belt kind of thing. Just like, just a pop of colour. Yeah, a bit of an accessory. Yeah, that's right. So his brother died. There are other claimants to the throne, but Philip emerged victorious and took over from his now dead brother at the age of just 23.

And he immediately showed that he was a brilliant political negotiator and bought off the invading army with money and land and signed a treaty. That's really fun that that's like just giving up. That's the he was really good. He just said, have whatever you want. Man, that's shrewd. That is shrewd. I'll give you land. I'll give you money. Take it. Take it all.

This guy's had some ideas. Yeah. But the smart part was he bought himself some breathing room and he used the time gained to revolutionise and prepare his army. And according to many- Fashion. Yeah. His army's fashion. According to many, he was a military genius and a fashion icon.

He was doing it all. Fashion. He started training a large professional army, which feels pretty obvious as opposed to getting citizens who are occasionally called up to fight and then they'd go back to their day job, like working a farm or whatever. So his ideas are all just pay for it. Yeah. Good ideas. Cash. Throw money at the problem.

Throw money at the problem. And he increased the army in size from 10,000 to 24,000 men and he changed the way they fought. This is the important bit. And the weapons that they used. During this period of history, a dominant formation for fighting was the phalanx. Oh yeah. Heard of a phalanx? Of course!

It's like a flying tree in Mighty Ducks. Yeah, yeah, Triple Deak. Exactly. Well, kind of. Used particularly by Greek armies, rows of men with shields in their left arm and a long spear in their right arm would lock in closely together with the spears pointing forward in front of them and then it hold a tight line together. And it was very difficult for anyone to get close to the soldiers who were called hoplites or hoplites and they could all advance together

in a like, you know, a big square column and smash into the enemy and just keep stabbing. Right? And it was really really effective. a big square column and smash into the enemy and just keep stabbing. Right. And it was really, really effective. It was like the early version of I'm just going to swing my arm. And if you get in the way, that's on you. Philip had seen this in Greece when he was a young hostage. And now, King, he had an epiphany. Wait, he's so Alexander the Great was Philip. No, this is his dad.

Oh, this is his dad. This is all his dad. Oh, this is his dad. This is all his dad. Oh yeah, I knew you. I knew you. I was just checking, checking for the listeners, I'm going, wait, what? What the fuck's going on? Just anyone who was listening like that, I thought I'd be there. Alexander's dad, cause you gotta talk about his dad, cause he inherits a sick kingdom from his dad. his dad does a lot of the hard work in a positive way. Yeah, like hell. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's sick

That's sick Philip. Oh my god. That is sick. Yeah, actually it was sick when Philip inherited it But by the time he was done with it, it was sick. Okay, do you understand? Yeah. I love it. You think I'm Philip In Melbourne CBD is named after him? We love, there's a place, not far from Comedy Republic, we've done many shows called **** and we're obsessed with it. It's so funny. I think we're semi-confident, it's like a shady sort of ****. Actually, I don't know, should I be saying that?

I'm not sure, I don't know. Should I be saying that? I'm not sure. I don't know. Beat that out, AJ. But anyway, I want people who are visiting Melbourne to get a photo outside of ****. There's a Macca's next door so you can have a bite to eat as well. Yeah. And then go see a show at Comedy Republic. Perfect night. What a night out. Macca's comedy goodbye. Goodbye leaf, Melbourne never come back.

Why? You don't need to come back. You've seen it all. So this is- Flim Street Station, yada yada yada. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, you come back. You've seen it all. So this is- Flint and Street Station, yada yada yada. Yeah, whatever. You get that. You take a train home somewhere, but that's fine. You do.

So Philip is in charge of the army, Matt. And he's revolutionizing it. And at the time- Philip is such a funny name for a badass. No, it's because it's so funny. Phil. Yeah. And he's a real badass.

He's like a real badass. But he saw the Greek armies with these formations, these phalanxes with their spears, and he thought, what if I made the spears even longer? Whoa! That's badass. He's got some military ideas. And these new spears were called serissas. Ooh, I like that.

And they were one and a half times the length of the ones typically used by his Greek neighbours. And they measured five to seven meters in length. Yeah, you kind of get close to 16 to 23 feet. That's such a funny idea. I've got this idea. It's going to revolutionize everything. You know that thing they're already doing that only longer. Here's the thing in the formation they're making yet that would,

because then you can't dodge one spear because there's another one right next to it. That is going to be really effective. But imagine somebody trying to attack you just holding a seven meter spear ahead. All you have to do is get around the arrowhead. And then what are they going to do? Thwack you? They're like wobbling. It's like, I imagine it does look like when like an Olympian is running in with a pole vault. That's what a single one of them would look like. A single one of them would look like... A single one would not be that scary. Sort of wobbling along.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just stepped sideways slightly. Come in, come in. No, no, don't turn around. Yeah. And then... Yeah, that's all I could do. You can imagine that. The whole line of them, yes, very scary.

That's how the pole vault originated. It was an accident. The spear got caught in the ground and go, whoa! Hang on, that's interesting. Hang on, I'm on the other side of this city wall. I landed in Olympia. That was actually a little bit fun. Should we try that again?

So they're carrying these ridiculously long spears, and that meant when they came up against their enemy, their attackers would be even further away. Like they can't get like if a cavalry like a horseman runs up to you, they can't hit you because you've got like multiple meters of spear in front of you. Oh, that horse. That horse. Spent skewered. Geez. No good. And it was also true when coming up against the Greek phalanxes who had their own

spears, but not as long so you could stab them from further away. Phalanx and phalanx. Yeah. But the phalanx and phalanx, longer spear wins. Now we've got an arms race. They're just gonna go back and make theirs even longer. It's like a 50-meter long spear. And the spears, I should also say, were stronger,

as Macedonia also happened to have the best forests for wood in all of Europe. So that was helpful. Must be nice. Lucky. Philip also got his army to use smaller shields so they could lock in even tighter and the shields were worn on their forearm, meaning that the soldier could use both hands to control the Sarissa.

Oh, is that that was new? Yeah, the other guys are holding a shield in one hand so they can only hold the spear with one hand. See, if you got two hands. Great grip. A lot more stabbing power. And he trained the army so they could move with astonishing fitness and speed and could maneuver to different formations depending on the battlefield or the position of their enemies. The key to their success, as Jess has pointed out, was the soldiers' cohesion.

Individually, they're not the greatest fighters, but if they stuck together, they held their line. They're a devastating force. Sort of like a Macedonian Voltron. Yes. But if you take them apart. Just some robot tigers. It's like a weird yellow, yellow tiger. Who gives a shit?

Yeah. Next. Yeah. Dima doesn't. But put them together. Oh my God, that thing's got a head. Yeah. Typically each unit would be 16 men deep and eight men across. And the front five rows pointed their serices forward, creating a wall of iron, and the men behind would hold their spears at a forty-five degree angle over the top of the one in front, which would create a bit of coverage from arrows and projectiles,

create a smaller roof. Now Macedon, before this, was famed for their cavalry, their horsemen, which Philip combined with the new phalanx to smash his opponents, and with this deadly combination, they absolutely steamrolled through their enemies. And with this now powerful army, Philip II was able to transform his kingdom from some unknown backwater into the most powerful state in the whole region. So pretty cool. Pretty cool.

Made some reforms, made them better, trained them, and they're suddenly good to go. Which is so good, but you must, like, any of these things we talk about, you know, mob bosses or any sort of where you're up your game taking territory. I just feel like I'd be stressed the whole time. They could learn this too and up their game. But anyway, he didn't care about that. He wasn't stressed because like I said, he was a bit of a badass and he loved fighting.

Oh, he's like, dare you. This is fun. And he led from the front, risking his neck alongside his sword. He would lead them into battle. Phil. Phil. That's not the kind of leader I would be. No.

You're more of a, you're controlling from the couch. Correct. Call me if you need me. That's right. But go get him. Go get him. You go out there and ha ha ha. I believe in you guys.

Rah rah rah. You know what? Have some fun while you're doing it. I believe in you guys. Rah rah rah. And you know what? Have some fun while you're doing it. But I'll be here. Yeah, might be napping. I might have a kip, yeah. Yeah, might be a Philip Massage.

Yeah. Well, Jess, unlike your style, his style got him a lot of trust and respect because people are like, okay, we'll follow you anyway because you lead from the front. My people don't trust and respect me. No, because you're sitting on the couch playing a little farming game with a tiny little bear.

Have it a good time. Yeah. Hey, what kind of leader makes the best military decisions with military ideas? Someone who's relaxed, they're comfortable. You're right. Can't get from an empty cup, Dave. All right. You know, I have to look after myself however I need to.

And you have to look after that little bear. I've got to look after that little bear. And I've got to water my crops. They've got to water themselves? Yeah, I haven't got that part yet that I can put in a sprinkler, but I'm working on it. So for the approximate 20 years that Philip was king, he fought every single year except one. And that was because he was... COVID. Yeah. Lockdowns, I want to single year except one. And that was because he was COVID.

Yeah. Lockdowns. I want to take over the world. Come on. I've got to be home by sundown. No, it's because he was recovering from his horrific injuries and he put his body on the line of the years. He lost an eye due to an arrow, which had to be surgically removed before anesthetic, of course. I imagine the awful. Yeah, but probably was a day surgery.

I imagine back then and things would have been pretty good in and out and yeah. The pain kills. But it was really clean and yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He fractured his clavicle. He suffered a severe leg wound from a spear that hindered his movement for the rest of his life.

He may have had a limp because he got stabbed so badly, but he kept fighting. Oh, he loved it. I... Loved it again. But he kept fighting. Oh, he loved it. Love of the game. You know how people say I was born in the wrong time and stuff like that? I think any, I think, I don't think I haven't for any time because the slightest inconvenience, if they were like, we're just going to take your eye out. We obviously can't put you under, I'll give you any painkillers. I'd be like, just slip my throat.

Just kill me. Maybe you're before your time. Before my time. Yeah. There's probably a time where they just go, you need a replacement eye. Done. Yeah. Maybe that would be your time.

Yeah, true. And then, but you'll be there going, oh, I've got to wait till they click. And then if you waited just another couple more decades, you wouldn't have, you'd just, you'd just already be there. Be click free. Yeah, yeah. They get rid of the click. And then if you waited just another couple more decades, you wouldn't know you'd just already be there. Be click free. Yeah, yeah. They get rid of the click. And you'd be like, oh, great. That's one of the best Jess Birkins quotes. I don't think I'm for any time.

As soon as we hear any story, because we hear a lot of amazing stories on this podcast of people really overcoming the odds and so on. Arduous journeys. Arduous journeys. People on icy cliffs. Oh, yeah. You know, and I'm like, oh, I wouldn't be there in the first place. And the second that rope's cut, I'm dead. I can picture any of those epic biopics about these people.

And it's like the opening scene and Jess is on this icy cliff top, and she just rolls herself off. The end. Yeah, there's only one line in the whole movie and it's just, fuck this. I'm done. There's like no emotion on your face or anything. But it's the thing, it's true. It's true and you'd be there standing watching me fall over and going, she was fine.

There's a 7-Eleven just over there. I'd be there watching you roll off and be like, fuck, she's tied to me. You could have at least unclipped yourself. Why am I there in the first place? Honestly. Why are you on a mountain? I'm not doing it. The first sign of a zombie apocalypse,

I'm like, I'm out. Oh, me too. I'm not fighting for my life. You don't think an instinct will kick in? I mean, I hope to never find out, but I assume no. I think I'd just be like, well, this is going to be fun. You know, there's scenes of like the people on the Titanic, not of the real thing, but in the movie.

Am I remembering this right? There's some people just like, oh, it is what it is, and they're having a sip of a cocktail or something. Is that you going down? Maybe, yeah. I'm playing the violin. They're working to the end. I don't know how to, but I'm like... Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Please stop playing. We're all going to die. Isn't that bad enough?

Yeah, I'd go great. Whatever. There's an old an old Macalliff. I can't remember which show it was, but it was like a fake ad for Andre Rue playing violin. And it's just him shredding it bad. And then the like the slogan for the end of the ad is Entrez Rue. Music that is unforgettable, no matter how hard you try. It's just on the Titanic.

So with this guy, he's loving it. He's the king. He's got the sweetest army now. They're doing exactly what he wants. And he loves to fight. He defeated the Illyrians army now. They're doing exactly what he wants. And he loves to fight. He defeated the Illyrians, the people that had invaded and killed his brother, and also the ones that he'd given all those land and money to to buy them off. He's like, all right, just give me a second.

I'll get the army good and I'll come back and I'll take it back tenfold. He recaptured Amphipolis, took the West Thracian Crenedies, which he renamed to Philippi. Love it. Oh, yeah. Which strategically had gold and silver mines and made the kingdom very, very rich. It's now, um, Philippi-land. Oh, what? His kingdom was big. Yeah, it's so big. Had little penguins. Was that first place that you mentioned where frogs from?

Is that, was that like, do you say amphibian? Amphipolis. Okay. That is almost nowhere near. And did you think that there was a kingdom where all the frogs were originally from and then just slowly conquered the world? What? I think that might've thought back then.

Yeah. I don't think frogs came from one place. The world was. I think that might have thought back then. Yeah. Definitely not now. Not now. I don't think frogs came from one place. I don't think frogs came from one place, Dave. And migrated. And took over the world. On ships. Matt Googling, where are frogs from?

Remember a couple of blocks ago we talked about the story of Atlantis and there was this idea that there was a land of Lemurs. Another lost land. Lemurville or something. Or am I thinking Margaritaville? I'm always thinking about Margaritaville. But they are all from Madagascar though, right? That is like, I guess, a Lima island.

Yeah, we probably had this discussion a couple of years ago. Sometimes I listen back to the show and I'm like, oh, I should say this here. And then I say it out loud on a show and I go, wow, I really have just one thought. Yeah, it happens all the time. I'll like say something out loud and then Jess on the recording says it and I'm like, oh, it's four years apart. Yeah, isn't that so weird? Yeah, you're like, oh, I haven't grown.

At all. At all. Yeah. So he's taken over his neighbours to quote from Britannica again. These successes frightened his neighbours into forming a coalition against him, which was joined by Athens, but it achieved nothing. Wow. Great. That's how powerful he's become.

Philip and Macedonia achieved military victories over Illyria, like I said, Athens and Thebes to the two great states, and eventually he was the most powerful man in Greece. He was also charming, smart, and has been described as the most impressive person in the Eastern Mediterranean at the time. He was just like an impressive dude. Right. And there's- but you did say that a lot of his histories were written by him. That's his son. Oh. His son Alex.

We're still talking about Philip? Yeah. That's his son. Oh. His son Alexander. We're still talking about Philip? I think my brain keeps clicking back to the guy that this is about. I don't know why my head keeps thinking this episode about Alexander the Great will be about Alexander the Great. You need to sort your head out. I've got to sort it out. Okay. Because the context of Alexander's, if his son hadn't come along and overshadowed him,

we might be doing a block report about Philip II. He was that- he was just as impressive. Yeah, yeah. But isn't that amazing? I've never heard of Philip II. Yeah. I know, yeah. Even though I don't know anything about Alexander the Great, I know the name.

Yep. To the point, I'm sure he'd be offended by this. If you Google Philip II, which I did a lot this week, he's not even the first Philip II that comes up. Philip II of Spain comes up from the 1500s. How annoying for this guy who basically was the king of Greece at the time. He's so, so powerful. And then a couple of thousand years later, it's like, well, you're not even the most famous Philip II. Most people don't know who you are. He needed a rebrand, you know, call himself Alexander the Great's dad, who did it first.

Yeah, yeah. He's a much cooler dad. I was almost expecting Alexander, his name to not be Alexander as well. I was like, here we go. Dave's going to be like, Alexander the Great was born. Gregory? And it was just Alexander. And now I'm a bit disappointed. Sorry.

What was Elton John's name? Reginald Kenneth Dwight. Who was born? Alexander the Great born. Reginald Kevin Dwight. So we're still talking about Philip for a little bit longer. He transformed the Macedonian capital of Pella into a cultural and administrative center, inviting poets, writers and philosophers from across Greece to take up residence.

As well as being a skilled warrior and strategist, he was a fantastic diplomatist and used his kingdom's wealth to shore up alliances. So he was not afraid to throw money at a problem. Me too. Yeah, like just pay. Jess does it literally. Get it done. Just a wad of notes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It hasn't fixed any problems yet. He was walking to a shop and throwing money at him. Okay, but what do you want? I'm gonna leave. Jess gets migraines. She's often throwing coins at her head. Yeah. Is that working? Okay, but what do you want? I'm gonna leave. Jess gets migraines. She's often throwing coins at her head.

Yeah. Is that working? Well, it's experimental. You'll try anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He also used marriage as diplomacy. He had many wives, which brings us to Alexander's mom, who was also a fucking bad ass. Her name was Olympias.

Okay, Philip and Olympias? How did he even have the balls to ask? I'm guessing he didn't. I reckon Olympias came over and said, you come with me, Philip. He said, yes, man. OK. Yes, yes, dear. She was, from the things I've been reading, a very formidable person. She wasn't Macedonian, but a princess of the Molossians in Epirus,

which is between modern day Greece and Albania. This is another thing. She's come along, conquered these people and married one of their princesses to be like, hey, we're a one kingdom now kind of thing. She was Philip's fourth wife and he married her to secure an alliance. Does he, does he have these wives at the same time? Oh, yeah, yeah. Multiple. I think, I think, does he have these wives at the same time? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Multiple. I think, I think, does he go up to six maybe? It's a lot of wives, you know, as a wife, we're very high maintenance people. Right. You know, we take a lot. Imagine six of you. Where you've got six of them.

Six. You've just got to remember all their names. Yeah. I'd just call them wife one. All of them. But you'd have to remember, yeah, I them. But you'd have to remember the numbers. Yeah. I would have realized that on day two and said, you're all wife one. How much wife?

I'm like, you're complicating things. Her family claimed descent from Achilles, who in Greek mythology is known as the greatest of all the Greek warriors. So any child of hers- Shitty ankles though. Shitty ankles. That's right. You've got to watch out. Watch out. He wasn't a face was he? In wrestling terms. Is that right? Yeah, he was a heel. Yeah. Took me a second there. We are very good at what we do, aren't we? That is good stuff. I don't understand what you're talking about. Okay. No, he wasn't a face. You're right. Yeah. He was. It took me a second there

to answer is what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm're right. Yeah. He was. So it took me saying that to answer, is what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying too. Yeah. I'm just saying we're very good. When he did his heel turn, people like that really got the Twittersphere going. Yeah. That's how long ago this was.

It was a Twittersphere. Yeah. You know how like the whole story of Achilles is his weak because he was dipped in the river by being held on by his foot. Ah. What a poor system. What a poor system. I did not know that. What a poor system. I did not know that. But like, it's all about the Achilles.

What about the sole of the foot? Is that also weak? Well, It didn't get wet? It's hard to get the arrow through the... Do you have really strong soles of your feet? Mine are super soft and beautiful. You know that.

I do know that. Mine are very ticklish. So that's, that's a real crypto-like area for me anyway. This guy is invincible. Well, he's also ticklish. Yeah. On one of his face. On one of his face, yeah.

So any child of Olympias and Philips reportedly had Hercules and Achilles in their blood. Pretty cool stuff. Very cool. She was a force herself, reportedly being strong and politically astute, and she was from a sort of cult-like group of snake worshipers and their stories of her sleeping with snakes in her bed, which freaked people out. She also claimed, all these claims, descent from Helen of Sparta, who in mythology was the most beautiful woman in the world, so she was probably very hot as well. Wow, yeah.

Is that a different, is Helen of Troy a different Helen? That's the same one. Okay. Her birth name, this is Olympias, now may not have been Olympias, it was probably Myrtail. Okay. So you can see why he was approached. That's a glow up. But the story is in 356 BCE, Philip's racehorse won in the Olympic Games and for this victory, his wife received the name Olympias. Oh, wait, was his wife received the name Olympias. Oh wait was his wife a horse? No he's horse one and he came out and went babe got a new name for you the horse one. I don't understand how those two

things are connected. They should still do that now. Yeah yeah. Babe you got a new name bronze. Yeah. Babe, I've just come home. You are Norm Smith medal. Congratulations. Love you Norm. Night night Norm. It is a weird system. He came home from the Olympics or his horse had won at the Olympics and he went to celebrate.

I'm going to rename my wife Olympia. That's strange. Okay, Philip. That's cool. Your power might be going to your head. Philip is there any chance you maybe wanted to give yourself a little hug? I know, maybe change your shitty name. No, what was hers?

Myrtle. Yeah, no, that's- Have you seen Robin Hood Men in Tights? Oh yeah. And the joke in that about the, there's a witch's name, her name's Latrine, and the king's like, Latrine, that's a witch's name, her name's Latrine. And the king's like, Latrine, that's a beautiful name. And she's changed it. She's changed her name. And he's like, you changed it to Latrine. And she's like, yeah, it used to be shithouse. It's a great

joke. And then, and then at the end of the film, as a punishment to Prince John, all the toilets in the land will now bear your name. And Dave, you honor that every day when you visit the John. I love it. I haven't seen that movie in so long. It's a great movie. Me neither.

I saw it at the movies. No. My uncle took me and my brother and man it was a great time. See it came out, did it come out around the same time as Con Air? I think he took me to that as well. Ooh, mine too. Probably a few years earlier I reckon. I've just merged to- But you can go to the movies twice with an

uncle, that's okay. Yeah, he didn't have to, it didn't have to be back to back. It didn't have to be the same day. Double feature. In fact it was pretty unlikely. Yeah, yeah. He probably took you a couple times. Back when I was a boy, oh a movie. You had was pretty unlikely. Yeah, yeah. He probably took you back when I was a boy for a movie.

You had to save up once a year. You had to save up for a couple of years between those movies. I had a half time didn't I for some refreshments. And your brother. So, you know, that's two kids tickets. And you wouldn't when they brought in the talkies. We were like, what? What is what?

We didn't know. Like, I don't know what. What? We just did, we were like, what? You know? We didn't even. It was, man,

you should have seen our faces. They were like, what? I think that's almost it. You really should see his face. Something like that. Uncle, the movies are talking to me. Yeah. Is everyone else hearing that? Latrine?

Can you hear that? I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out. Is everyone else hear that? Latrine? Can you hear that? I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out. Everyone else hearing that? What are we talking about? We haven't even got to Alexander yet, have we? But the next sentence, here he comes along. Myrtle became Olympian in 356.

And that same year, she gave birth to a boy named Alexander. And there's speculation as to who his real father is because she may have been struck by lightning, meaning that Zeus, the father of all the great gods, was Alexander's real dad. That is what happens when you get struck by lightning. As a person with a womb, it is immediately filled with God, baby. Struck on the womb, apparently. Yeah, she was struck. Gone baby. Struck on the womb apparently. Oh Okay Mm-hmm

Struck on the womb. Jess We want to believe. I do. I'm sorry. This is not my that silly voice. That's my ah Yes, the lightning Entered the body and struck just on the wound. Just the wound. Well, didn't you know that that's what lightning is? It's jizz. It's sky jizz.

Is it? It's got jizz. Really, really hot sky jizz. That makes sense. Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

What? Why are you making that face? But no, that, I think that, yeah, that tracks. Yeah, so Zeus is actually his father. It's got it's a Jesus sort of situation. But, you know, but I'm sure Philip's going to be a pretty good, you know, stepdad. And so and we're talking like three, like this is BC. Yeah. So, yeah.

And then you were saying it was written about a few hundred years later. So was it was Jesus one of the writers? Yeah, that's right. His first draft. Wow. They used to, because then the Bible got written a hundred years after Jesus. Right. Everything took a while back then. Yeah. Yeah. You know, publishing deal was really hard to come by. A lot of red tape too. Yeah. Very slow processes. Not like now. Because you had to wait for like, you know, 50,000 people to write them out by hand.

Or put them to the stone tablet. You know, that takes ages. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, 50,000 people to write them out by hand. Or put into the stone tablet, you know, that takes ages. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, the system's easier. I'd be rolling off the cliff. Too hard. Holla, Jess, can you please translate this Bible into stone? This is a shrug. I'm good. Jess does her old shrug and roll.

Fuck this. But you're not even on a mountain, you're just in the street, just rolling away. Into traffic. Yeah. Hoping a horse drawn car, some sort of donkey will crush your head. So Alexander finally came along in 356 BCE. We don't know that much about his early childhood, but there's a story from his youth that shows the kind of determined person that Alexander was, even at a young age.

When he was 12 or 13, Alexander greatly impressed his father and his peers when a horse was presented to his dad, King Philip II. A guy called Philonicus brought this very expensive horse in, it was huge and it cost three times the price of any average horse and the horse seemed wild and untamable, rearing up at anyone who came anywhere near it. Philip the king balked at the beast and ordered it away, stating that no one could possibly ride it and that his time was being wasted. Alexander, who remember was about twelve, was watching on as the horse was led away by its disgraced seller and said,

What an excellent horse! Do they lose for want of address and boldness to manage him? Basically calling his father and all his elite generals spineless for not even having a go, Philip said to his precocious son, do you reproach those who are older than yourself as if you were better able to manage him than they? And Alexander said, yeah, I'll have a go at taming it. And if I can't, I'll even pay for it myself. The King's probably like, with what money?

My money? That's my money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not rich, I'll even pay for it myself. The king's probably like, with what money? My money? That's my money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not rich, I'm rich. Real big call there, young fella. Because from my, mate, if I just consult our little star chart over here, somebody hasn't been doing their chores, okay? So maybe if we are remembering to take out the bins.

Yeah, that's right. The palace is filthy. Okay. So I don't know what money you're bloody talking about, mate. He said, I'll have a go. He's a small boy. The crowd laughed as he stepped forward towards this giant horse. Worldhistory.org writes, Alexander had realized something the others had not. The horse was afraid of his own shadow. Turning the horse towards the sun so his shadow was behind him and slowly taking the reins

in his hand, Alexander mounted him. As in riding him. You know. You know, that's great. We all knew that it was- And you weren't going to make any jokes. No. Really.

I wasn't thinking Dave meant he fucked a horse. Is that what he- This 12 year old boy mounted the horse in front of everyone. I know his mum was a horse. Yeah. One in the Olympics. Yeah, she was named after a horse. The laughter of the crowd, this is world history again, the laughter of the crowd turned to

cheers as Alexander rode off. And according to the ancient historian Plutarch, he's one of the people riding a couple hundred years later, as Alexander returned to the arena with a large horse, when he dismounted, Philip said, Oh, my son, look the outer kingdom equal to and worthy of thyself, for Macedonia is too little for thee. That's beautiful. Because it's a big horse. It's a big horse. But I swear to fucking God, if you don't take the bins out.

Wow, so yeah, he can ride a big horse. He tamed this big horse, that's one of the early stories. But also he didn't tame it, he just knew it was afraid of its shadow. So is he having to ride it towards the sun forever? Yeah, that's why he started travelling east and never went back. Yeah, that was the only reason. He named the horse Bucephalus. I've also heard...

S-Bew-cephalus? Ah, Bucephalus or Bu-kephalus, I've heard as well, which literally means ox-headed and supposedly comes from a brand or a scar on the thigh of the horse that looked a bit like an ox's head. Where did he get his idea from? Brilliant. Historians claim that this taming of the wild Bucephalus was a turning point in the young prince's life, demonstrating the confidence and determination that he would hold through

at the rest of it. Alexander and his horse became inseparable and he rode Bucephalus into battle for almost 20 years. Wow. So he became his best best pal. Such was Alexander's love for a Buccephalus that when the horse died, probably from old age at around the age of 30, he named a city after it called Buccephala where the horse was buried. Which is quite impressive. Does that city still remain?

No, it's in India somewhere, but they're not sure where it was. He also later named a city after his favourite dog, Peritas. But that was years away. I love that this world includes a Philip. No other name has survived. Philip has fought through the centuries. I'm nearly every other name I'm going to mention. Bucephalus.

Beautiful name. Beautiful. Beautiful name. Bucephalus name. It's so beautiful. Bucephalus. So for now he was but a- It does sound like some sort of bubonic syphilis.

Yeah, yeah. It sounds awful, doesn't it? Yeah. It sounds rank. But that's years away. For now he's but a boy and a very educated and accomplished one. When Alexander was young, he was taught to fight and ride by Leonidas of Epirus, who was a relative of his mother Olympias, as well as to endure hardships such as forced marches.

So just because he was a prince didn't mean that he had a he had everything easy. His dad wanted to train him up to be he's like, I'm a badass. I want you to be a badass as well. He was also famously tutored for years by the Greek philosopher Aristotle. Oh, it's a big one. One of the big ones, who himself was tutored by Plato, who was himself a student of Socrates, who is credited as the founder of Western philosophy. So it's this amazing line that leads to Alexander.

Aristotle's dad was Alexander's grandfather's personal doctor, so the families knew each other. Philip II had asked Aristotle, this is Alexander's dad, personally to tutor his son and promised to rebuild Aristotle's home city, which had been destroyed. He's like, I'll use my resources to rebuild your city if you look after my son. But it's worth noting that Philip II was the one who had destroyed Aristotle's home city. Okay. Yeah. Hey, that thing I blew up, I'll rebuild it for you.

I'll fix it. I'm a good guy. So he's got this amazing teacher. It's kind of like if Albert Einstein was your personal like physics tutor, you'd be like, well. I still wouldn't understand any of it. Albert, slow down. I feel like, OK. You can see him just like tearing his hair out and then rolling off a cliff.

They're like, no, too hard. I don't know what it says about me, but you're absolutely right. I would just be like, oh, get fucked. I knew this was a bad idea. Climbing a mountain, terrible idea. What was I thinking? Doing physics with Einstein? What was I thinking? Forget it.

He's not going to start with the super basics. No, no. That's boring to him. Yeah. So Aristotle sparked and fostered Alexander's interest in literature, science, medicine and philosophy. He also loved music and played a stringed instrument called a lyre. Like I said, not heaps is known about his youth, but there are stories of him visiting

dignitaries about the boundaries and strengths of Persia, which is one of their enemies when he was just seven years old. And it's like, all right, that's a weird thing for a seven year old to ask about. How's school? Got a girlfriend? Some of the boys he grew up with, including Cassander, Ptolemy, and particularly Hephaestion, would become his lifelong companions and generals in his army. Kind of his crew that would later be known as the Dyadachy, which we'll talk about

later. Ooh. Okay. I'll remember. The Dyadachy. This message comes from BetterHelp. Can you think of a time when you didn't feel like you could be yourself? Like you were hiding behind a mask.

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So good. Head to squarespace.com slash do go on for a free trial and to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. My god, I know where I'll be right now. Doing that. From bits and pieces of descriptions, we have a composite idea of what Alexander looked like. So I want you to imagine this young prince or when he became king.

He was literally a short king. There was a story of him sitting on the throne of a kingdom that he'd just conquered. And when he sat down, his little feet didn't touch the ground. So that had to bring in a stool. Turns out the horse was a pony. It was huge. It was so big. Yes, Alexander. What? Oh yes, very big horsey. Turns out the horse is a pony. It was huge. It was so big. It was huge.

Yes, Alexander. What? Oh yes, very big horsey. Imagine, bring in the king's stool. He can't get off the throne. You've really got to be specific about that one. His hair was described as being the colour of a lion's mane, which he wore in a bit of a quiff.

He may have had mismatched coloured eyes, one dark and one light, and the stories of him having pointy teeth. Okay. Pointy teeth? Like sharpened to a point? Yeah, I don't know. Pointy teeth. Like that rabbit in Monty Python. Apparently, he also smelled good. Oh. Aristo-

This has got to be pre-deodorant. Yeah. He probably just didn't smell as bad as everyone else. Yeah, yeah. Aristocenus, who was also one of Aristotle's students in his memoirs, tells us that a most agreeable odor exhaled from Alexander's skin and that his breath and body all over was so fragrant as to perfume the clothes which he wore next to him. Oh, so too much. Yeah, like you get home and you smell your cloak and you're like,

oh, it smells like Alexander. That's weird. I hate that. I hate when somebody else has so much colonial perfume on that, like you hug them and then that jacket needs a wash. And it was Link's Africa. Yeah. It smelled like a teenage boy after PE.

Using half a pungent combination. Using half a can at a time. Yeah. You walk into the change room and you can't see through the fog. But I know we're just taking all of this at its word, but he's getting people to write this. Like, that's nonsense. That bit is, but what about the pointy teeth being short? Different coloured eyes. Maybe that's nonsense. That bit is. But what about the pointy teeth being short? Different coloured eyes.

Maybe that's cool. I was picturing David Bowie for a little while. Until the pointy teeth. But he's probably- did he ever dress up as a pointy teeth man? Was that one of his eras? The pointy one, Duke. But anyway, I think that's a strong- It's a strong look.

Strong look, yeah. His voice was also somewhat high pitched apparently. Okay. Alright everyone. So Dave so far you were like, he's little and he needs help getting off high chairs. He's got a quiff. Like, you know who we're picturing? I've had to help you off many a tall stool.

I think this guy sounds so hot. I've just noticed Dave's wearing a contact, a coloured contact lens in one eye. I've changed my whole persona. He's following his teeth. And I want to speak like this. Yes, I just love all these little descriptions. That's a great kind of voice to say things like, fussy for us, and all these old school names. Fetch me my horse, dynostomene. Dynost my horse. Dynostomene.

Dynostomene. Dynostomene. Is that right? I think that's right. No, it's bubonic syphilis. According to history.com, when he was just 16 years old, his father went off to battle and left his son in charge of Macedonia. Very young. He had a party, didn't he?

We're gonna have a kegger. Having a kegger at the palace. In 338 BCE, Alexander saw the opportunity to prove his military worth during the Battle of Carania. Some of these are difficult words to say, I must say. You're doing a great job. You're making it look easy. Oh, I appreciate that.

I mean, we don't know if you're wrong or right. So just do it with confidence. Apparently some of these Greek words are also debated as to how they said them back then. Yeah, right. A lot of them have two, three possible pronunciations. Not debated by us. Not do us. However you say it, we're like, he nailed that.

Yeah, it's quite on. We love him. Karenia, he led some cavalry against the Sacred Band of Thebes, a supposedly unbeatable select army made up of 150 pairs of male lovers. Isn't that amazing? They were all couples. The whole idea was you're not going to be embarrassing in pairs of male lovers. Isn't that amazing? They were all couples. The whole idea was you're not going to be embarrassing in front of your partner. Like you're not going to run away and you're going to be brave. You want to prove yourself.

So were they lovers after they were recruited or before? I'm not sure the recruitment process was like you got like me and you would get matched up or if it's like we come along to the recruitment drive and say, hey, we've been dating for many years now. We love each other. Also, we're pretty good fighters, so we should be part of the secret. Because that makes more sense. Because otherwise it's like you're, you two love each other now. Well, now that you love each other, you'll never embarrass.

Yeah, you'll never embarrass. It's like, I met this guy Gavin last week. I don't care what he thinks. I don't give a shit about Gavin. I don't know if that logic stands of like, well, you won't, you won't do anything a bit embarrassing in front of your partner. It's like, have you ever been in a relationship? It's entirely you doing something embarrassing. Yeah.

I feel comfortable being embarrassing in front of Gareth. Whom I love. Whom I love. I made it last week, but I- Quite honestly, Gareth and I are both running now. Like we're both- We've got something to live for now. Each other.

I love you, Gareth. Gareth. So, the idea is that they're unbeatable, these 150 pairs. So, 300 men. The teenage Alexander put his vigor and bravery on display and his cavalry decimated the sacred band of Thebes. Oh, were they the 300? No, but I will talk a little bit about them. Yes, in two paragraphs time. Whoa.

Can you believe that? You're talking about two groups of 300? Wow. What was this time? It was a crazy time. They made that movie, which I never saw, but I assume made a big deal out of them only being 300. Yeah.

But two paragraphs earlier, there was another 300 who lost, admittedly. Yeah. Pretty easily by the sounds of it They were too busy loving each other to fight Love another fighter. Yeah, so he is very young when he wanted to prove himself So he was like, oh I'll deal with these guys that's supposedly unbeatable The battle has been described as one of the most decisive of the ancient world the forces of Athens and Thebes like I said the two big states were destroyed and Continued resistance was impossible the war therefore came to an abrupt end. And Philip, his father, was able to impose a settlement upon southern Greece,

which all the states accepted, with the exception of Sparta, where the 300 came from a bit earlier. This was called the League of Corinth, and Philip's the boss. They're like, all right, stop killing us. We'll all be part of the put a part of this lead together. And he said to these Greeks, let's go after the Persians from the Achaemenid or the Achaemenid Empire over eastern Turkey, who a century and a half earlier had fucked up Greece after the famous Battle of Thermopylae, which is the one with the Spartans depicted in the film 300. Ah. Any game of Thermopylaans depicted in the film 300.

Any game of Thermopylae ends in drama. There's only one winner. The board gets tipped over. Nightmare. They should have known better. But Philip's like, we should go after these people. Yes, it's been 150 years. I'm the boot.

They want to be the boot, I'm the boot. They can be the little dog. Go directly to jail. Do not pass cars. And he was chosen as general to go and pay them back. Soon after this, however, Alexander had a big falling out with his father when Philip married another princess. This is a new wife who was much younger, much, much younger than him.

Possibly she's like 18 and he's like 45 or something. Her name was Cleopatra Eurydice. And that's not the famous Cleopatra. There's lots of Cleopatras in this empire. Great name. This was Philip's first wife from his home kingdom of Macedonia. Before this, he conquers a new place. He marries a local princess. Hey, we're part of the same family now. We're cool. That's what he did. Yeah. But he hadn't got any local wives. I guess he didn't feel like he needed.

I'm already the king here. I don't have any local wives. I don't have any wives. I've got all these secret second, third, fourth wives. Yeah, no nothing local. No secret first wife. Yeah. So she was much younger than your wife,

Cleopatra Eurydice, and this new marriage caused instant tension between Philip and Alexander and his mother, Olympias. Oh, because she was the most recent until that point. I think she was the most influential of his wives. Probably saw herself, even though she wasn't the original wife, probably the top dog of wives. Top wife.

Top wife. I mean, you're marrying this- Philip's top wife. It's a great TV show. Top wife, top life. They say that. Yeah. And it was at Cleopatra, Eurydice and Philip's wedding banquet that her uncle, Atlus.

The Atlus from the book with maps. Jesus Christ. But he's the guy, he was from, they had a guy who held up the globe. Is that him? Yeah, great mythology, yeah. Is that him? This is a different one. Remember how there's more Cleopatras?

There's also Atlus and Atlus in the same world. Oh, Atlus. Yes, Atlus. Atlus. Atlus. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, sorry. Dave, you were saying Atlus. You were saying Atlus. I thought you were saying Atlus, but you were saying Atlus. Sorry, my Macedonian slash Greek is not as strong as yours. This might be hard for you to hear. This might sound stupid, but it will. Macedonian anything to do with macadamia nuts. It sounds stupid, but neither of you want to go definitely not, right? I don't think it has anything to do with it. I don't think it has anything to do with it, but earlier when he said Macedonia, I zoned out for a little bit thinking about macadamia. Yeah, yeah, I think I went through the same thing.

I think it's just that they've both got the mac, or like a mass, and then an ear, you know? Man, we can finally claim something. While macadamia nuts originate and are grown in Australia, well, commercial production is mainly in Hawaii. Right. Oh yeah, macadamias are ours. Australia's native nut.

We got it. We got it, everyone. Second only to- That's such a great nut. We got it. We got it everyone. Second only to- That's such a great nut. I love the texture of them. They're, it's an interesting texture. You don't get it in any other nut.

Pair beautifully with honey. Little salt. Oh. Oh my goodness. Gorgeous. Dark chocolate. I'm not waiting after this. Probably burritos.

Yeah. So he's getting married. Philip II, Alexander's dad, is getting married to this young woman Cleopatra and her uncle, who was one of Philip's generals, a guy called Attilus, stood up to make a toast. Oh no. To the newlyweds. Oh, it's never good when an uncle makes a toast. Yeah. No, it's never good.

It's never good. Oh Jesus, here we go. Let me tell you about the bucks. Yeah. Shut up. about the bucks. Yeah. Shut up. Why? Yeah. He said, he called upon the Macedonians to ask of the gods that from Philip and Cleopatra,

his new wife, there might be born a legitimate successor to the kingdom. Oh no. What does he mean? Well, Alexander, his adult son and presumed heir, is standing right there. Oh man. What the fuck? What? And he took Umbridge with what he thought was a shot at him, and his mother Olympias

calling into question his own legitimacy as his mother's not from Macedonia. I thought we're all one big family now. Isn't that what you said? Huh? Dennis? No, what was his name? Philip? Philip. Philip and Dennis, very similar energies.

Very similar, yeah. I totally get that. Dennis the second, that's pretty good though. Dennis the train station. My favorite train station. There is a train station on the Hurstbridge line called Dennis. Is it on the same line as the Batman station? Because what a great journey that would be.

Oh my god, what a journey. Going from... Where would you do that? Traveled from Dennis to Batman. What a great journey that would be. Oh my god, what a journey. Going from, where would you do that? I travelled from Dennis to Batman. What is your life? So, Ali-Dana is like, what the fuck? So he basically got up and said, are you calling me a bastard? This is at the wedding and told Attalus, go fuck yourself.

Yeah. Possibly, according to some stories, throwing a goblet of wine in Attalus' face. I would have been throwing a goblet of fire. Oh. Or a goblet of wine in Attalus's face. I would have been throwing a goblet of fire. Oh. Or a goblet of knives at him. That's good. Sorry, I'm just sipping a goblet of knives and I'm going to throw it at you. Yeah. Is that a Harry Potter thing? Goblet of fire is, yeah.

Not goblet of knives? Goblet of knives, no. I like it though. Mm, that was a Jess Perkins. But you were saying earlier you can't give from an empty goblet. You can't, you simply, you have to refill your goblet before looking after others. Yeah. And Philip, who remember, it's his wedding. Yeah, yeah, he's the groom.

He is outraged at the comment and the actions of Alexander. Fair. Really? Oh, not fair. He asked him to a- He's like, you can't tell- Not the uncle. You can't tell an uncle to go fuck himself and throw wine in his face at my wedding. That's a bad thing. But the uncle was like, Dad, you're not going to back me on this? He was disrespecting me at your wedding and you're taking his side.

Which in what way is he an uncle? Is it Phil's brother? No, it's Cleopatra's uncle. What are you doing? Do you even know this guy? You're taking his side over mine? Yeah, it was a bit... Don't push me, Dad. I will F you up, dog. What are you doing? Do you even know this guy? You're taking his side over mine? Yeah, it was a bit-

Don't push me, Dad. I will F you up, dog. And I'm, you know, I'm really close to saying the full F word. Really this close. You gonna push me, old man? I didn't want to do it like this. But I'm coming for the throne, King. Dad. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, I called you King, Dad. Sorry, I called you King. Dad. Sorry, Dad.

Sorry, I called you King, Dad. Sorry, I called you King, Dad. That was weird. That didn't feel right. Had a bit of a rush of blood and it actually, yeah, didn't come out quite right. But it felt badass and then. Meanwhile, I'm back over at the hors d'oeuvres, just being like, my time to clean up. Everyone's looking the other way. Yeah. Now I'm going in for thirdsies on the dessert. But you're right. This is kind of like in modern sense how the scene played out.

He said, apologize, son. And Alexander's who's a pretty, you know, not a level headed guy. I was like, absolutely not. And Philip, his dad, drew his sword. Whoa. He couldn't look out a pen and paper. And drew a sword. Now's not the time, let's just have a conversation. Phil, what the heck are you doing? See this?

You're losing it. I will take over. He drew a sword. See this? I can have one of these made. We're playing Pictionary After, let's bring it forward. And in three to five business days, I could stab you with this. This will cut the tension.

I'm going to cut the tension with the drawing of a knife. No, pull of a knife. No, you pull out a knife. Sword. Big one. But Philip was probably drunk and remember his leg was severely injured and when he got up he pulled his sword and he fell flat on his face. Oh, Phil.

That's so embarrassing and very funny. But also that's going to then really like, because it's a bit funny and also everyone's like, oh, let's check on him It it does bring it's it brings everything down a little bit. Yeah, yeah, it's been a comic really What are we doing here? This is silly fighting Fills on the ground well Phil is down and according to historian Phil's at a full Phil is down and according to historian Phil's at a full

Oh my god, Phil had a fall did you hear you can imagine all the Arnie's can't Oh, yeah to catch up at the brunch sex. Yeah. Did you did you say Phil when he had a full it was It was it was funny, but it was also touch and go. Yeah, it was you know, it makes you think doesn't he is getting to that age Yeah, you need to start worrying. I've actually heard it's not the first fall. He's had a fall in the shower. According to historian Peter Green, so he's on the ground, Philip, standing over his father, who remember is the most powerful man in Greece. Alexander quipped, that gentleman, said Alexander with icy contempt, is the man who's been preparing to cross from Europe into Asia, and he can't even make it from one couch to the next. Oh, that was Sarah in Couches. Fair detail.

That is- and he said that in front of everyone? Yeah, fucking smugged him. He's going for his dad, he's going for his throat now. Which is pretty well- and because of Alexander's remarks, he and his mother Olympias were both exiled from Macedon for a short time. They were left together and he dropped her off in the state of Epirus and he went to Illyria.

Okay. I think I'm starting to understand why Phil isn't that well known to history. I think Alexander might write him out soon. And then I said, this awesome line. And all these women came up and said, Whoa, they're the best abs I've ever seen. Yeah. And he fell over and he had a limp.

Yeah. And then after I said my awesome line, my dad was like, Whoa, you're a much bigger man than I ever am. So I'll exile you. Yeah. I bow down to you, King, and then kiss my feet. That's how it happened. And then I exiled myself.

I said, yeah, I'll go away for a bit. And I just put my feet up for a bit because I smoked you, Dad. I smoked you. And he did. But he had to leave. Olympias was not happy with her husband's new wife and the possibility of her birthing a new heir that could usurp her son, Alexander, who's been rightfully promised the throne. Alexander actually already did have an older half-brother, Aridaeus, and that would usually make him the heir, him being the older son, but he possibly had- it's not fully clear, but he possibly had learning difficulties to some degree

that meant Alexander was the first choice and was never threatened by his older brother, and they had a good relationship. Right. He was never seen as a potential successor. So Alexander's in exile, but after six months, but after six months, Philip and Alexander make up and Philip tried to make good with his wife Olympias as well by holding a giant lavish wedding for their daughter and Alexander's full sister, who was also called Cleopatra. This is very confusing. She was going getting married to her motheria's brother and therefore her uncle, a man called Alexander of Epirus. Okay. So there's multiple Cleopatras, multiple Alexanders. We're marrying uncles. Yeah.

What a funny, like the mom and dad here, Phil and Cleopatra are like from other countries. Phil and Olympia. Olympia. They've gone, you other countries. Phil and Olympias. Olympia. They've gone, you know. Olympias. Yeah, they're from different Olympias. They really like broadened out the gene pool. And now they're just bringing it right back in. Yeah.

Is that they're heading in the right direction here? Nah, they want to keep it in the family in a weird way. And it was at this wedding between Cleopatra and her uncle that something happened that would change world history. And there's a couple of versions of events. One is Philip had personal bodyguards called Somastophelakes. Very hard words. Okay.

Very hard. Even you sit down and you're like, oh my God. Sounds a bit like snowflakes. So, Matto... Made it sound easy to me. That was actually really cool to watch. It tickled my eardrums. Yeah.

Somatophelakes. Oh, that's nice. That was actually really cool to watch. It tickled my eardrums. Yeah. Samatha for lakes. That's nice. Usually seven highly trained men that went with him everywhere, he went and he knew and trusted with his life. Often old friends or- Do you think you know seven people you would trust with your life? I don't know.

You? Nah. Seven? Absolutely not. I'm looking at two of them right now. You would trust me with your life? Yeah. Dave, the second anything gets hard, I'm rolling off a cliff. You trust me?

Whilst you're tied to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd just be there like, Dave, mate, I'd love to protect you, but I think the best thing we should do is off this cliff. Yeah. I suppose what you mean by trust with your life, especially if you are a bodyguard who is required to die to protect me, I'm probably not choosing you. No, but if I'm required to die and I'm quite willing to do it. Yeah, actually you'd be perfect. Okay, so I should trust you, man.

Maybe, I don't know. You're willing to die for me. If that's the job. Right. But I don't know if I'm- Life's more than just a job, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty good super.

Oh yeah. Yeah, but I'm dead. I don't get to enjoy the super. Am I on the clock, you know, at the time? Because if I've just clocked off, then you're on your own. You're not diving for that sort. You have to have boundaries. Yeah, yeah.

You have to. But no, I don't know. Seven people I've trusted my life. Yeah. No. Well, Philip did. And one of these men was called Porsanius Ovarestus. These are incredible names.

Yeah. And then you just go to Philip. It doesn't make any sense. It's wild. It's very similar to June where there's a Paul amongst all the other names. This is Pausanias. He was also, as well as being a guard, one of Philip's lovers. He had so many wives and his body was falling apart from his war injuries.

I don't know how he had the timer energy, but he's, he's doing a lot. Yeah. He's doing a lot. He's doing a lot. Yeah. I'm winking. He's having a lot of fun. Doing a lot. Yeah. Well, let's just say he's having a lot of fun, but what do they have for fun back then?

There was no Netflix. There was no Xbox. Just chill. There's no board games probably. So what else could they be doing for fun? Yeah. You fill in the blanks. Yeah.

And fill in Phil's butt. That's right. You fill in the blanks. Yeah. And fill in Phil's butt. That's right. And he was shooting blanks. No, he wasn't. He had kids. Well, I mean, you might have been. Zeus had to step in and zap his wife's womb to get it all going.

Zap. Just give it a quick zap. Okay, so this Porcelanius. Porcanius. Porcanius. Is Phil's husband, no, not husband, but- A lover. A lover and bodyguard. A lover and bodyguard.

Yep. That's not really disputed, but this sensational version of events comes from Greek historian Diodorus Siculus. They seemed a little more sex positive back then. Oh. I like that. There's so many people banging all the time. It's-

It's nice. It's very open in that respect to this kingdom for sure. You would prefer it to be more open, your sex life and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What do you want to talk about? What do I want to talk about? You it to be more open, your sex life and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you want to talk about? What do I want to talk about? Do you want to be more open with it? I don't want to talk. I want to fuck. Oh, sorry.

What do you want to fuck about? So this comes from a guy writing a couple hundred years later, Diodorus Siculus. And again, this controversy centers around Attalus, the guy who made the toast at Philip's wedding and said, I hope you have a real genuine Macedonian heir on your hands. And then Alexander was like, what the fuck? Yeah, rude.

Attalus, he's again in this controversy. Of course he is. Every family's got one. Uncle Attalus. Yeah. What does he like? Well, Attalus also had a lover named Porsanius. Confusingly, it's a different Porsanius.

Oh my God. You've got a name like Porsanius and you've got multiple. You'd be so confident going into get a Gmail. Porsanius. I'm gonna. What the heck? I'm just signing up for Instagram. Porsanius. Oh, I have to go underscore zero one. What? And I found this so confusing. I found the best explanation on Wikipedia Which is like a Macedonian great history website and but I had to even put in

Make it Porsanius one and Porsanius two because I was still Porsaniusanias have arrested someone. Which one's that one? So we'll call the original Pausanias, the bodyguard, Pausanias one. Yep. Attalus, his lover is called Pausanias two. Okay. Yep. Okay. I'm still going to do my best. And if it doesn't make sense, this bit only goes for a minute. So, you know, it's not that integral. I'll do my best. Pausanias, Phillip's lover, one of his bodyguards, Pausanias one.

And he insulted Pausanias II after he thought that Philip, his lover, potentially had made moves on the second Pausanias and he was jealous. So he probably called Pausanias II a coward or something like that publicly, called in to question his honour. So to secure his public honour and prove that he wasn't a coward, Pausanias II, who is the beloved of Attalus, endangered himself in battle whilst protecting the king and he died. Oh, Pausanias II.

Yeah, kind of like took a bullet for the king. Like I'm real brave, I'll do it! And Pausanias II died, his lover Attalus, he blamed Pausanias I for making Pausanias II risk his life for honour. He's like, you called my boyfriend into question? And then to prove himself, he had to risk his life for honor. He's like, you called my boyfriend into question. And then to prove himself, he had to risk his life and he died. But isn't that was the job? No, that's the job of the other Pausanias. Yeah, that's right. This is a different point.

Like just in battle, he like risked his life. But he was in battle. Yeah. So that that is one of the risks. He's like, oh, you you you made him like be risky in a war. In a war. Yeah. He definitely wouldn't have died otherwise. No.

It's the safest war there's ever been. So Attalus is really mad at Pausanias I. Okay. And this is a flag that's a brief mention of sexual assault coming up here. Attalus invited Pausanias I to a banquet where he got Pausanias I really, really drunk and then sexually assaulted him. Yeah. And Pausanias, remember, is the lover of King Philip II.

He appealed to the king for justice. He said, that man just assaulted me. You should punish him. Philip was angry at Adalus, but because it was his new wife's uncle with whom he wanted an alliance, he couldn't really punish him. Philip seemed like a real, like he didn't want to say anything to defend his son at the wedding. Same guy, two strikes for this guy. Yeah.

He's like really, yeah, he's trying to kiss Adolas' ass a bit. Yeah, he's really sucking up to Adolas. I don't like that. Yeah. And Pausanias, he's hurt because his lover, who's the king, is all powerful, hasn't defended his honor. Yeah. And this is all like, he's like open about having affairs with others. It doesn't matter.

It's not like monogamy wasn't an issue back then, obviously. An issue like it is now. It's a real problem. It's a huge problem. We need to stamp it out. No, he like, he's got multiple wives. I think it's pretty open that a lot of these people have lovers. It's all pretty cool.

But one of his lovers is like, hey, you should stand up for me. I'm your lover. And I've been like really wronged here. So, Porsenis is super hurt. He's pissed off at Philip. So, the wedding comes around of Philip and Olympias's daughter, Cleopatra, when she's marrying her uncle, a bit weird. The king puts on- Bit weird. This is an adolescent, the uncle, is it? No, this is a different uncle. Not the guy from Epirus.

This is another Alexander. This is Olympias's brother. Far out. Marrying her daughter. And the king, Philip, he puts on a big spectacle for his daughter, a lovely big, lavish wedding, big celebration in a theatre. Philip enters surrounded by his bodyguards, the seven guys that go with him everywhere, but he waves them away because he wants to walk in on his own so he can appear approachable by all the dignitaries that he's invited to the wedding.

So he's left unguarded and it's at this point that poor Sanias, his guard slash lover, steps forward and stabs the unprotected Phillip in the ribs, killing him. Whoa. So he publicly assassinates the king. Whoa. Because he was hurt about. That's one version of events. Right. Wow.

He wasn't just, yeah, he was assaulted and then his lover wouldn't stand up for him. Yeah. He's the king and could do something quite serious about it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, could have killed Attalus. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's gonna kill someone. Yeah. Yep. I don't know. Look, I'm just throwing it out there. I'm not saying that. He's gonna kill someone. Yeah. Yep. I don't know. Look, I'm just throwing it out there. I'm not saying that's what he should have done. No, no, no.

Just saying that would have made sense, maybe. So, Pausanias kills the king, stabs him in the rib, he dies pretty quickly. Pausanias attempts to flee, but the story is he trips over a vine and is... That's so embarrassing. ... embarrassing. He's quickly cut down himself by the other bodyguards. They're like, oh shit, they kill him. Now this assassination has been the subject of much speculation and conspiracy.

Was Pausanius acting alone with the sole motive of being, you know, the spurned lover of Philip? Or did, some people say this, Alexander and his mother Olympias have something to do with taking out the king? Because now it's, yeah, he wants his chance to take over the throne before the. Yeah, before the possible new heir is born and Olympias is really pissed at her husband as well. Was there a second stabber behind the grassy knoll? These questions have been asked for centuries. Because I had long stabbing spears back then.

Yeah, so long. Someone could have stabbed from anywhere. Yeah, that, so long. Someone could have stabbed from anywhere. Yeah, that was so long. Or some people say, did the Persians who are about to be invaded have an inside man thinking that if they killed Philip, they'd stop the invasion? Oh. And if they think that, spoiler, they're wrong. OK.

But with his father murdered at just 19 or 20 years old, Alexander quickly eliminated all other claimants to his father's throne. This is also why people think it's a bit sus that Alexander took care of everyone else to make sure he was the king straight away. But I suppose you would do that if your dad is killed and people say, I could be the king. He got rid of everyone. He was brutal here. He had his father's youngest wife, Cleopatra, the new wife and her two children killed. Oh.

As well as her uncle Attalus, the man that had insulted him with a toast implying that he was a bastard. He would have known that was coming, right? Yeah. He'd be like, this has not gone well for me. I knew I shouldn't have had that extra brandy at the wedding and said that silly thing I said. I said I was only going to have five goblets tonight.

The sixth one always gets me in trouble. Always gets me in trouble. On the news of Philip the Second's death, there were revolts in northern Greece, but Alexander quickly crushed those and sent the message that, like his father, he was not to be messed with. He heard that the people of Thebes were revolting and in just 14 days, he marched an army 240 miles to crush them, which is really, really quick back then. In Thebes, as a punishment for their rebellion, he burned the whole city to the ground except

for the temples and one house that he purposefully left standing. It belonged to a poet called Pinder, whose writing he liked, specifically because it praised his ancestor Alexander I of Macedon. So, the whole city doesn't exist anymore except for one house and a few temples. And the poet's like, okay. And he was, he slept through it. Imagine getting up. He wakes up to get the newspaper and then what the heck has gone on out here?

Geez Louise. It's a bit full on isn't it? Whoa. Britannica writes that 6,000 people were killed and all survivors were sold into slavery. After this, the other Greek states were cowed by this severity because they were like, oh, Philip's a badass, but he's gone. We'll see if we can take on his son. I'm sure that he won't be as strong as Philip.

And then he came in and was like, oh no, I'm probably worse. And they were like, okay, you're still the boss, even though you're 19. There's a great and often recounted story of Greek philosopher and one of the founders of cynicism, a guy called Diogenes of Sinope, who is a total wild card. Cynicism had a founder? Yeah, before that, you weren't- No cynics. You couldn't be cynical at all.

Wow. God, imagine. The guy said, what about this? And they went, oh't be cynical at all. Wow. God, imagine. The guy said, what about this? And they went, oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. I've never had that thought before. That could be fun.

That could be fun at parties. This guy is pretty wild. He would criticise those around him and had a reputation for sleeping and eating wherever he chose in highly non-traditional fashions, often sleeping in a large ceramic jar called a pithos in the marketplace. He would just have a nap in a jar. He'd get into a giant, giant, looks like one of those big vases. He would just get in.

Get in there. He would also wank in there a lot. This is known by history. He was known by history. I just, I really wasn't expecting that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird enough that he was just getting into a big vase for a nap. Yeah. When there's so many more comfortable places to nap, but he'd also just have a wank in there.

Have a wank in there. Hey, are you trapped in being a genie? Yeah. Yeah. That's what he wanted to do. Yeah. I want to live in this jar. I want to live in this jar.

I want to wank in this jar. I love this jar. I want to be inside this jar. I'm to live in this jar. I want to wank in this jar. I love this jar. I love this jar. I want to be inside this jar. I'm not going to rub a lamp or rub something else. He declared himself a cosmopolitan and a citizen of the world rather than claiming allegiance to just one place. OK. And this is from his wiki page. He became notorious for his philosophical stunts, such as carrying a lamp during the day, claiming to be looking for a man, often rendered in English as looking

for an honest man, as Diogenes viewed the people around him as dishonest and irrational. Right. I'm looking for an honest man. Not you. Can't see any. Not you. This guy sounds very cynical. When Alexander got to Corinth in Greece, many of the local statesmen and philosophers came

to Alexander with their congratulations. Welcome, new king. Is this where Paul in the Bible wrote all his letters to the Corinthians? Is that the same? I'm guessing that's- Yeah, same place. Yeah. Right.

So that's a Greek city. Greek city, yeah. Corinth. There you go. It's a memory of like just in church and you're sort of dozing in and like concentrating in and out. Paul's letter to the Corinthians. I'm going back to sleep. And it'll often be my dad reading it out as well.

Nah, you don't grow up there, Dan. And do you just think it was your dad's letter to the Corinthians? Yeah, I'm like, dad. Dad, stop reading your own letters. Dad, why do you write like that? That's so weird. It's got nothing to do with church, Dad. Dads are so embarrassing though, aren't they? But I think it makes sense that those kind of masses are really continuing to throw off

because they made it just great for all generations to enjoy. Fun for the whole fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fun for the whole family. Yeah. So he gets to Corinth, Alexander, and the local statesmen philosophers come up and say, congratulations, new king. Give him presents. Give him lovely treasures.

Remember this guy had violently shut down all opposition. Alexander expected Diogenes, who's a bit of a community leader despite being a bit of a weirdo, to do the same, but Diogenes didn't turn up. So Alexander went to visit him in his jar. He's knocking on the jar. You in there, mate? You decent? No.

And Pluto. You know like that, like people playing like the jugs? If you don't tell him that from inside, it's just a jug. He's having a go in there. Having a good time? Yeah. Having a tug in the jug. If it's a rockin' do not come a-knockin'.

So Pluto. Just a soundtrack to his work. If it's a rockin', do not come a-knockin'. So Plutarch... Just the soundtrack to his work. You don't get this on other historical podcasts. No, that's right. Plutarch writes of the story a few hundred years later, and it's awesome. He wrote, since that philosopher, this is about George, and he took not the slightest notice of Alexander and continued to enjoy his leisure in the suburb of Cranian. Alexander went in person to see him and he found him lying in the sun, so he must have just gotten out of the jar.

So funny. He's like, he's out of the jar. What is this guy? He's so wild. Diogenes raised himself up a little when he saw so many people coming towards him and fixed his eyes upon Alexander. And when that monarch addressed him with greetings and asked if he wanted anything, yes, said Diogenes, stand a little out of my son. Ah, it's casting a bit of shade on him. Do you mind?

I'm trying to even out the tan lines. Yeah. Mate, get out of here. Get out of here. It is said that- Don't go anywhere near my jug. And Plutarch continues, it is said that Alexander was so struck by this and admired so much the haughtiness and grandeur of the man who had nothing but scorn for him.

He said to his followers who were laughing and jesting about the philosopher as they went away, Alexander said, quote, but truly if I were not Alexander, I wish I were Diogenes. Whoa. Really? You want to wank in a junk? He's like, this guy gives so little fucks about anything. Oh, that's living. Yeah. This is like in a movie where it seems like someone's really stuffed up and the big guy goes, I kind of like your moxie. Yeah, that's right. You start tomorrow. Yeah, it's like, I'm either gonna kill you or hire you. I like it. Everybody else kisses my ass. Yeah.

You tell it like it is. Finally some truth. This guy lives in a jug. Let's not hold him that highly. Let's not hold him highly at all. And he's like, the rest of you could learn a thing or two. And the next week he comes back, they're all in jugs. But they've gotten into jugs that are just a bit too small so they're all stuck.

My entire army is stuck in a jug. What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what Jess would do if she was stuck in a jug at the top of a cliff? Roll right off, baby. It'd be easy to roll that way. Could be fun. Right at the end. Weeeee!

Oh no. Well, it's not sure how Diogenes died. His contemporaries allege that he held his breath until he died, although other accounts of his death say he became ill from eating raw octopus or from an infected dog bite. I'm going to go with the octopus or dog bite. Because if you hold your breath, you'll pass out and your body will take over. Yeah, well, for most people. Yeah, true. This is diogenes.

If you're inside a jar, maybe there's less oxygen. Yeah, it's the one for the lid on. It's the one for the lid on. Yeah, the lid on. The wrong lid, not the one with the air holes poked through. Oh, no. When asked how he wished to be buried, he left instructions to be thrown outside the city wall so that wild animals could feast on his body. When asked if you minded this, he said, no, not at all.

As long as you provide me with a stick to chase the creatures away. When asked how he could use the stick since he would lack awareness, he replied, well, if I lack awareness, then why would I care what happens to me when I'm dead? OK, that's just a weird roundabout conversation. Yeah. You make. Yeah. You're asking for a stick. Yeah. If you don't and if you don't care why asking for anything. Feed me to the wolves. Give me a stick. Yeah. What are you talking about? Mate, you've lost it. I think the jug guy's lost his marbles.

You ever know that guy just crawls into jugs sometimes as a nap. I think he's going a bit nuts. Yeah, I think he's losing it. That's the first I'm hearing of this. He always seemed so put together when he was wanking in that jug. It's so ridiculous. I love it. It's the best. Yeah, this is of all the ridiculous things.

What have we got? We we up 450 odd episodes now? One of the people I named to suggesting this topic actually suggested that I focus on Diogenes because what a wild person mystery. Love it. Gave no fucks. So like his father, Alexander was now top dog in Greece and he wanted to pick up straight up where his dad left off, conqueringering the vast Persian Empire which at the time was ruled by a guy called Darius III. This was still under the guise of getting even for the Persians

for fucking up Greece and the Greek states 150 years earlier but it would also bring much needed wealth to the kingdom and to be honest I think Alexander liked fighting and was looking for his own glory to prove that he could do something that his dad wasn't able to. Alexander and his huge army crossed over into Asia Minor in 334 BCE. He had with him 30,000 foot soldiers and 5,000 cavalry. There were a combination of archers, javelin throwers, phalanx soldiers with the long sericepoles we talked about, and an intimidating cavalry force. Alexander's second in command was a guy called Parmenio,

sometimes called Parmenion, who had worked with Alexander's father and was also a fantastic general in his own right. They also traveled with surveyors, engineers, architects, scientists, court officials, and historians. So it's a really big crew on the road. Amazing. So they go to Asia, reportedly Alexander threw a spear

into the ground saying that he accepted Asia as a gift from the gods. On the other end, Darius III, the Persian leader, didn't really see the young Alexander as that much of a threat. But what about his huge army? It just sounds like there's enough people just to like go, all right, we'll take you on one on one. Everyone here. We've just doubled your population right now. But Persia is so big at the time. It's one of the biggest- Surveys are going fist to fist.

Yeah, those surveys, they've got those little things that they measure stuff with. Yeah. Oh my God, you could throw that pretty hard. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We're talking modern day Iran, but it's way bigger than that, is it? It's so big. It's one of the biggest empires of the ancient world. Because Persia was...

Is that right? Persia is that like modern day Iran is the center of it? Iran, but also at the time it was Turkey, it was Syria, parts of Afghanistan. Like it was massive. Yeah, yeah. And Darius is a bit like, I've got multiple armies. I'm going to take care of this guy. Who gives a shit? Yeah.

Never even heard of this guy. He goes back to playing that farm game with the bear that... Back on the couch. He's having a good time. This really has nothing to do with the story, but when I looked him up, Darius III was preceded as King of Persia by King Arses. Oh, yeah. Spelled A-R-S-E-S. Oh, okay.

Which I think is the best name of the ancient world. Give it to me again. King Arses. King Arses of Persia. ARS, yes. Yeah, that's pretty good. Arses. King Arses. King Arses. That's awesome. That's really good.

I had to mention it. You had to. Doesn't need a Pogonym or whatever you said before. Yeah, Pogonym. Pogonym? Is that how you pogify a name? Cogacinnamon. Cogcinnamon. Cogcinnamon. Did arses have a Cogcinnamon? Arses. The big arses. Arses the taut. Arses the crack. Arsas the Parted. So anyway, Darius III was now in charge of Persia because King Arsas has left the scene. But the first army that confronted Alexander wasn't led by Darius, who thought Alexander was a bit small time for him. And instead the army was led by three of his sartraps,

which are kind of like governors of different regions. It was 334 BCE and took place at the Granicus River. And according to Britannica, the Persian plan to tempt Alexander across the river and kill him in the melee almost succeeded, but the Persian line broke and Alexander's victory was complete. Darius' Greek mercenaries were largely massacred, but 2000 survivors were sent back to Macedonia in chains. The victory exposed Western Asia Minor to the Macedonians, and most cities hastened

to open their gates. The tyrants were expelled and democracies were installed. So a lot of these locals, they've been conquered by Persia because it's the edge of the Persian Empire. And when a new person comes along, they're like, oh, thank God. Right. Come on in. You're saving us.

Yeah, saving us from this empire. And were they coming in and being like a new problem or are they- No. You're saying installing democracies. Alexander was pretty happy with the places he conquered, usually to let them rule themselves as long as they bowed down to him. It seems like he was more interested in conquering than ruling. Right.

Because like he's got this big empire, but I think his mother's basically in charge of everything because he's like, I'm going to take the army and go get some new places. That's what I like doing. See you later. Yeah, okay. You keep everything running here. When the street lights are on though, you're home for dinner. But then he like conquers a new place and goes, sweet, I'm in charge. You happy with that? I'm the king? Great. All right. You can have your whatever you do. Do whatever you do. Your culture, I'm fine with your culture. I don't really care about that.

So they'd be stoked if he's sort of freeing them almost. Yeah, but often, but then sometimes you would burn the whole city to the ground. Apart from one or like Paul Jennings. You like Paul Jennings. Love you Paul Jennings. Your house could stay. I loved Round the Twist. Round the Twist was fantastic.

But he took, he, so he, he, um, he beat Darius' army and he proved himself a serious threat to Darius and he continued on taking port cities to eliminate the threat of the Persian Navy. Some like Halicarnassus, which is a great ancient city, resisted and Alexander had to take it via a month long siege. Another famous Alexander story is that when he got to Gordium, he was confronted with the Gordian Knot. Have you heard of the Gordian Knot? No. This was a complex knot that was tied to an ox cart and it was said, whoever could untie it would be destined to rule all of Asia. So Alexander was invited to have a go. He couldn't untie it, so he pulled out a sword and dramatically just cut right through it. And this has become a famous

story used as a metaphor for a seemingly impossible problem which is solved by brute force. He's kind of ruined it for anybody else who wanted to have a crack. Yeah, the next person was like, I actually had a few theories. Yeah, that wasn't in the spirit of the knot. That's real bat and ball going home sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah. I can't, well it's stupid anyway. Yeah, yeah.

Cut it in half. But, okay. Every knot must be able to be undone though, right? Unless it was some sort of trick knot. No, it couldn't be. Okay. Every knot must be able to be undone though, right? Unless it was some sort of trick knot. No, it couldn't be. They don't exist. They wouldn't have done that though, would they? They trick him?

They trick him? Him? I don't know. But he cut right through it and went, yes, told you. Do they, as like modern day scientists or whatever, figured out the knot or is the knot a mystery? I think it might be a mystery. Oh my god. Mystery knot.

Mystery knot. Oh, mystery knot. Oh, whoa. It was a mystery knot all along. I think I'm just going to call this episode mystery knot. I think that's for the best. You know, really draw people in. Oh guys, there's plenty more mystery knots coming up, so don't tune out.

There's not. Mystery knot? Not. Great stuff. Bit of fun. Finally, in 333, he keeps just marching on being like, take that city, take that city. A lot of them say, come on in. But he keeps going into Persia. Finally, in 333 BCE, Alexander and his army came face to face with the Persian

army led by Darius III himself, who after the previous year's devastating loss, decided to take personal control of his forces. Being like, obviously the problem was that they weren't led by me. Yeah. I'll solve this guy. I have to do everything. Yeah, bloody hell. This bloody young upstart comes in 20 years old. I'll show him what's what. It took place in Issus, which in modern times is in southern Turkey near the border of

Syria. Darius' army greatly outnumbered his invaders. It's always hard with the numbers of how many soldiers, because in the ancient world, they inflate them. They're like, there was 38 billion people on the dance floor. What are you talking about? When I dropped the needle, it went off. It was wild. Three off. It was wild. Three billion. It was so sweaty in there.

But like, but everyone was loving it. Yeah. The DJ was playing the perfect song. It was just banger after banger. And Drake's actually very reasonably priced. Yeah, yeah. Everyone was having a good time and everyone said, thank you so much for this party, Darius, you're awesome.

But then Attalus did a speech and everyone left. Oh my God. He sucked. He sucked. You suck, Attalus. But then he came here for a speech, he came here to party. So the numbers are probably, and this is probably accurate, not inflated, Alexander probably had about 37,000 men, whereas Darius had between 50 and 100,000 at his disposal.

Okay, so one of those numbers is bigger than the other. Oh yeah. But they're both bigger than 37,000. his disposal. Okay. So one of those numbers is bigger than the other. Ooh, yeah. But they're both bigger than 37,000. That's true. Yeah. One is a bit bigger. One's like way bigger. So, so big. Yeah.

So, so big. The battle was $4. One's the capacity of the MCG. Oh, when you put it like that, that is quite big. Whereas the other one's like the capacity of Amy Park, Amy Stadium. Oh my God. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, well, you're going to go to the Foo Fighters, you're going to go, Amy Stadium. Oh my god. Whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like, well, you're going to go to the Foo Fighters, you're going to go to Taylor Swift. Yeah. Yeah. You get the difference. There we go. Yeah.

One of them plays their instruments live. This is our errors tour. Because we're going to make errors because we, see that Dave Grohl rant? No. The Swifties didn't like it. And I don't know. I don't have an opinion. No. The Swifties didn't like it and I don't know. I don't have an opinion. Okay. But I hope the Grolians and the Swiftians come for us. Could really use the publicity.

50% of our audience is Swifties. Yes. The other 50 are Grolians. Yeah, that's right. To even know them all now. Yeah. But that's what we do. You know, we're just like, we're pot stirrers. Yeah. Me personally, I'm a swift growler. Mm hmm. But get in, get out. That really tickled me. Well it will, and quickly. So the battle was fought along a narrow coastal plane with the ocean on one side and a river

down the middle dividing the two armies. Because the plane was only one km or one km wide, Darius wasn't able to deploy all of his troops in a single line. Look at how many people he had. He couldn't even line them up. They're two by two. And one km is not wide enough. However, it was rainy and the Macedonians had to push across a muddy river

surrounded by slippery banks. And no matter how tight you're from. I'm just picturing the mud and Jess going, I'm out. Rolling into the river. I don't even like walking on sand. Like the hard sand near the water, lovely. But like, oh, the loose sand. Like the hard sand near the water, lovely, but like, oh, the loose sand, fuck that.

And at the other end of that, you're probably, what are you doing? Having a drink or watching a moot? I don't know. You're doing something nice after a walk on the beach. They're going to battle. Nah, absolutely not. Roll. I'm good. I'm all right. You're rolling off the sandy cliff. Roll. I'm good. I'm all right. You're rolling, you're rolling off the sandy cliff. Yeah. And you're not even making it to dinner.

Absolutely not. Let alone a battle. No, I don't want to go battle. And as muddy as muddy as. And no matter how tight your formations are, it's difficult to walk across a muddy river. And down a bank, a muddy river and down a bank, across a river and up a bank. And the- You're slipping and sliding sort of thing. They're all over the place. And remember, their secret is to hold tight together.

Yeah. So, one person slips and you're like, well, now we're exposed. We've all got to slip. Yeah. You can't, when you're that slippery, being tight is hard. Yeah. And they're under fire from arrows. But the Macedonians kept pushing forward, the superior training and discipline really coming to the fore.

They kept together as a team. The phalanx of spears, the serices, the really long pulse was in the middle. And you can imagine the left flank of cavalry was controlled by Alexander's right hand man, Parmenio. And Alexander was on the right commanding his own cavalry. So you can imagine the foot soldiers are all in the middle and then the horses are split into two groups, one on either side. That's the formation.

The two armies clashed and things didn't start out well for Alexander. The fighting was tough and there were huge casualties on both sides, but the superior size of the force of the Persians appeared to be too great to overcome. Alexander on the right hand side of the battlefield pushed through Darius' own cavalry with his own horses and broke a hole in their line. And this meant that Alexander and his best cavalry were able to get behind the Persians and attack them from the rear

and take the pressure off his phalanx of spear guys who are really getting smashed. That's a big advantage when you come up from behind because you can tap them on the opposite shoulder and they'll look at what? Oh, you go. Alexander, you are great. Gets me every time.

You dog. You dog. Alexander saw Darius himself on the battlefield and ordered his unit to charge into the men surrounding the other king. And seeing that things were not going his way, Darius the Third decided to run away. Oh, I pulled a Jess. Yeah, I'm good. Did you say roll away?

I'm not necessarily a coward. He's running away like, I'm scared. I'm not in the battle to start with. She never got there. Like somebody goes, I challenge you to war. And I'm like, oh, don't worry about it. Yeah, just shut up. Just take it.

Yeah, I'm just blocking him. Yeah, yeah. If anything, you're running towards them. Sorry, I'm like, oh, don't worry about it. What do you want? You can have it. Just shut up. Just take it. Yeah. I'm just blocking him. Yeah. Yeah. If anything, you're running towards them. Sorry, I'm not home. Yeah. Yeah, the castle's closed. Whatever. The castle's closed. Just shut up.

I'm not going to war. Leave me alone. I'm not going to take any of your stuff. I just want to play my little video games and just leave me alone. You want to go battle, have a good time, but I'm not. I'm not into it. Dryus had a similar idea. He's like, I've got to get out of here. He took off so quickly that he left his wife, daughters and mother behind.

Yes. And I guess you have to be pretty confident in victory to bring them to the battlefield in the first place. Yeah. And then you're like, I've got to get out of here. See you. Come on, kids. We're going to the battlefield. Imagine that's not a great look. No, not good.

This is from Wiki now. The Persians saw that their great king had gone and that the battle was being lost, and they abandoned their positions and fled in full route. The Hellenic cavalry, which is Alexander, pursued the fleeing Persians for as long as there was light. As with most ancient battles, significant carnage occurred after the battle, as the pursuing Greeks slaughtered their crowded, disorganized foe. So Alexander had just won what on paper was a pretty impossible fight, and this was the

beginning of him writing his name into the history books as one of the greatest military commanders of all time. And you might be worried about Darius' family, but Alexander treated them with great respect after he captured them, and they all seem to have gotten along. In fact, he married Darius' daughter, Stetira II. Yeah, he got them very well. Got them very well. Wow.

Yeah, apparently they, you know, they liked each other. Wow, a married couple liked each other. But like the family and everything were like, that's nice. That's this guy's all right. Darius had turned and lost, but he was not fully down and out and he retreated into his very vast kingdom to gather a new army to face Alexander. And he's really hoping that stories from the front don't come back. When people are like, hey, where are your kids? Where's your mum?

Oh, I think they're fine. Yeah, they're good. They're all right. They're OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're probably out shopping, I think. Yeah. Shopping, you know, grandmas and kids, they go shopping they're okay. They're probably out shopping, I think. Yeah. I think they're out shopping, you know, grandmas and kids, they go shopping.

Probably go on to the movies or something, I think. Get the credit card. Yeah. Don't worry, I'll get the bill. It's alright, I'm the king, so it's fine. We can afford it. Now I've already mentioned a couple of sieges, which Alexander was really good at winning. Whilst Darius was gathering his new army, the most famous of Alexander's sieges came

next in 332 BCE, called the Siege of Tyre. Tyre was a strategic coastal base for the Persians on the Mediterranean Sea and it was impossible or thought impossible to capture because it was an island and was surrounded by really tall walls on all sides. So you couldn't get anywhere inside. And I should point out that Alexander didn't really have much of a navy at this time. So he's like, how am I going to attack that without ships? So he responded to this problem by first blockading a besieging tie for seven months. And then he built a giant bridge. His engineers built a kilometer long, 200 foot wide causeway. According to history.org, the causeway was built using rocks, timbers and rubble taken from the buildings of the old city nearby.

Initially, work progressed well, the water near the mainland was shallow and the bottom muddy, but as the causeway lengthened, the Macedonians and Greeks began to run into trouble. The seafloor shelved sharply near the city to a depth of 18 feet or five and a half meters. Work slowed to a snail pace and the work gangs found themselves increasingly harassed by missile fire from the city walls. So the closer they got to the island, the islanders started shooting shit at the people trying to build this really long bridge. Eventually Alexander constructed two siege towers at the end of the causeway. Like most of Alexander's siege towers, these were moving artillery platforms with catapults on top to clear the defenders off the walls.

The towers were made of wood but were covered in brawl hide to protect them from fire arrows. But the Tyrians inside were able to fight back and they burnt down the siege towers. So he's built this bridge, built these platforms and then they've burnt it down. He's like, fuck. He decided, okay, it would be easier to capture the island with ships. So he captured a bunch and returned and batted through the walls of the island and captured the city. And he was not kind to the holdouts as many as 8,000 were killed and the remaining 30,000 citizens all sold into slavery. Geez. Wow. So he's brutal. If you like hold out with him and make it difficult, he makes it difficult when he captures

the city. So great by name, probably not great by nature this guy. Oh, there's a tagline. Yeah, there we go. That has summed him up. If you want to know his essence, there it is. Great by name. You'd probably say the opposite by me, about me.

Not great in name, great in nature though. Yeah, yeah. Your name isn't great, is it? Not a great name. No. Perky by name. Yeah. Perky by nature?

No. Okay. I wouldn't say so. No. Kind of grumpy, I guess, yeah. I put my name grumpy, my name's Grumpy. Yeah. It was around this point that Darius III, the King of Persia, tried to get a plea deal

going with Alexander. Alexander had taken over about half the Persian Empire and Darius said, look, if you stop now, I can cede that half to you and let you live in peace. I'll be over here with my half. You'll be over there with my half. You'll be over there with my half. We'll both be kings. How about it? Yeah. So he'd give up one of his halves.

Yeah, he's like, well, you've taken that bit all good, but if you stop now, I won't even- we won't have to have any more battles. That's yours. That's yours. And Alexander was a bit like, but I already have this half. Yeah, yeah. He's like, and yeah, you can keep it. Yeah, yeah, that's yours. That's forever. I won't take it back because I was about to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, and yeah, you can keep it. Yeah, yeah, it's yours. That's forever. I won't take it back because I was about to. Yeah, I've decided. And easily. It was going to be easy and chill for me, but I'm deciding to be cool.

I'll let you go. I'll let you live. And you can keep my daughter. And his friend. Yeah, keep her. Whatever. It's all good. That's yours now. I've got my half, though. Let's have that in writing. And his friend and second in command, Parmigno, said, if I were you, I would take the deal. To which Alexander replied, I would too, were I Parmigno. But I am Alexander.

Oh, that's good. No deal. He's like, I've already got this half. I'm going to get the other half. I'm getting it all. That makes some sense as well, because it's like, you're trusting that guy to be like, yeah, he's just going to quietly- Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not going to strengthen his armies again and try and take it back. Come and take it back.

Like I'm doing now, or like my dad did when he paid off those guys and then soon after came and took it back. He's like, I know these guys pretty well, because I am these guys. Yeah, yeah. So, Darius is like, fine, no deal. And he went to get another army together and Alexander moved on into Egypt. So he went south into Egypt. Most of the towns on the way simply surrendered, but the city of Gaza was a heavily fortified stronghold and they held out.

So it was another siege. When his engineers pointed out to him that because of the height of the mound, it would be impossible. This encouraged Alexander, all all the more to make the attempt. So he's telling him he can't do something, he's like, a bit like Jess. Yeah, yeah. Oh no, you're the, you're not the opposite, you're like, telling you you should do something, you're like, I'm not going to do it then. Oh, that's true. As a kid, I was the, tell me I can't do something, you know, and I'll be like, well, fuck you. But now I've just given up on life.

As a kid you're like, I can't take that ancient Egyptian city. Well, watch me. Watch me take it. But now you're like, you should do this thing. It'll be really fun. I'm like, fuck you. How dare you. Now I'll never do that thing I'd probably enjoy. Shut up.

So Alexander's like, fine, challenge me. Fool me once. Can't get fooled again. Whoa, that was his. That was his. Now watch this drive. It took three attempts. Alexander suffered a serious shoulder wound during some of the city's defense,

which pissed him off, but he again broke into the city, killed all the men of military age and sold all the women and children into slavery. Again, he's not the best guy. He rolled into Egypt and everyone surrendered and he was crowned Pharaoh. Whoa. That's why you said Egypt at the start. I was like, he was kind of the king of Egypt. By this time, Egypt had fallen under the Persian Empire and they probably saw Alexander as

the liberator from Darius III, who was the previous Pharaoh. Yeah. Now, for context as to how long Egypt has been around, it's like hard to fathom, really. Chepstut that Matt spoke about recently was Pharaoh over a thousand years before this. And Khufu, also known as Cheops, had built the Great Pyramids over a thousand years before her. Wow. And Alexander lived over two thousand years before us. Yeah, amazing. Wild.

That's- yeah, that's insane. So, yeah, he's now Pharaoh. He's Pharaoh. He did some good things as well. For example, he restored the temples neglected by the Persians and dedicated new monuments to the Egyptian gods because he wasn't interested in posing his own ideas of truth, religion or behaviour upon the people. As long as they willingly kept the supply lines open to feed and equip his troops, he

often let locals rule their own cities. He's like, just don't mess with me and I won't mess with you. Cool. And whilst in Egypt, he took a bit of time off from fighting to really find himself. This meditation. Gotten a joke. Gotten a joke. Oh, he found himself alright.

Oh, there I am. Oh, there I am. Oh, there I am. So, yeah, he's been on the road for a few years at this time. He's burnt out. Exactly. He's a bit of time. So he traveled to the desert in Egypt to consult the oracle of Amun, a god of supposed good counsel. He was supposedly told there that, yes, you are the son of Zeus. Remember that rumor about his mother? Mm hmm. So telling the most powerful man in the world that he is a god, yeah, that's going to go to your head.

Yeah. Much like lightning went to her womb. Yes. In his time, Alexander founded many cities and named many of them after himself, as well as his horse and dog, as I mentioned at the start. Plutarch writes that he founded 70 cities, but it's probably more likely to be closer to a paltry 20. Mmm. Mmm. Naming them most after himself.

The most famous of which was in Egypt called Alexandria. It still exists as the second most populated city in modern day Egypt, with a population of over six million people. Wow. He made that city and that's where the famous library of Alexandria was. But that's a story for another time. In 331 BC, Alexander again faced Darius III on the battlefield. Again Alexander was outnumbered.

Darius had recruited an army from across his empire, probably about a hundred thousand this time. Huge. He'd recruited the- How many MCGs is that? Matt, how many MCGs? How many did you say? Hundred thousand.

That's one MCG. And you got to imagine this MCG full of the finest cavalry, scythed chariots, even 15 elephants supported by Indian archers. Yeah, it's called Grand Final Day. Yeah. OK. It's a parade. Look it up. Look it up. It's a big day on the city's calendar. OK. North Melbourne once had an elephant, I think, I think it was North Melbourne

or, how was it? Pre-game entertainment had an elephant and the elephant got spooked by the crowd. Oh, that's sad. Yeah, well like, so they got an elephant, I know this is a small suburban ground. Oh no. And the elephant was like, ah! And the elephant rampaged. Oh no. That's crazy.

Yeah, what a wild story. I don't think anyone died or anything, but. That elephant needs to fucking try a fucking spoonful of concrete. Harden the fuck up. Yeah, man. You're bigger than all of them. Yeah. Oh, no, I've just seen some ants on the ground. I'm spooked. Yeah.

That's the same thing, you idiot. Yeah, but Alexander came along and was like, it's just scared of its own shadow. Yeah, it's right at East. Keep walking at East. Keep walking East. And Alexander said, hey, ants, you can stay here in your little ant homes and do it however you like as long as you just bow down to me. I'm the great one. We cool? We cool?

Put me on your money. Bow down to me. That's it. Yeah. I won't destroy you with a magnifying glass. Let me sit on one of the ant hills and his feet didn't touch the ground. He's so little. He's so small.

Facing Darius III, and I'll tell you this, for the final time. On the morning of the battle, Alexander is said to have overslept. Oh no. We've all been there. Who is that confident? He made sure his men were well fed, well rested, which can't be said for Darius' men who are awake all night expecting a night ambush. So they'd been in their armor and battle gear all night ready by the time Alexander took

to the battlefield. So they'd been like up half the night, spooked. And he's like, okay, we're going to have a fight, are we? Well, after a buffet breakfast. He took. We'll do the quiz and the paper. And then I guess once everyone's ready, we'll head over. Everyone finished Wirtle? No spoilers.

No spoilers. Take your time, boys. Take your time. WorldHistory.org writes, Speaking of their bravery and other battles and asking them again to fight for Macedonia as he spoke an eagle Which is a favorite animal of Zeus flew overhead. Yes and towards Darius To Alexander this was another omen of victory. Yeah, feels really good. And then it flies over and it took his shit on to run So he's he's getting a complacent because he's just like this is going to go well for me. So he's getting complacent because he's just like, this is meant to be. Yeah, he's like, I don't even need to try. Yeah, I was in bed like 24 minutes ago.

Yeah. Again, Alexander commanded the right-hand side, Parmenio commanded the left with the phalanx in the middle. Again, the fighting was brutal. A gap opened up in the middle of Alexander's army and Darius saw this as an opportunity to smash through it. he sent in his best soldiers, but it was an Alexander trap. Oh, cheeky. They got smashed.

Alexander took his unit and went straight for the center where Darius himself and the Royal Guard stood. Now without their line of best cover protecting them because they'd gone into the trap, he like got as close as he could and there's a chance that Alexander himself even threw a spear at Darius. Whoa. As Darius was running away. Yeah.

As Darius was using his youngest child as a shield. Take her, take her. Need another wharf? I can make more. But if you kill me, I can't. I'm a wharf maker. Darius, seeing the danger, just like he had two years earlier, took off and fled the battlefield. Oh my god.

Without their leader, the same thing happened. Many of the troops in the centre gave up and they were chased down as they fled. Alexander could have chased down and killed Darius himself, but he heard his right hand man, Parmenio, who was actually on his left side, was being... Sorry, that made me laugh. You're my right hand man, Parmenio, who was actually on his left side, was being so... Sorry, that made me laugh. You're my right hand man, yet sometimes you're in front of me, sometimes you're behind me, sometimes you're at your house.

I need you holding my hand. I don't know. This is very confusing for a king. I just don't understand why I call you a right hand man if you're ever on my right hand side. Anyway. So, Alexander took his cavalry over and rescued Parmenio and surrounded the guys who had overcome Parmenio. His right hand man's got Parm in his name as well.

Is that on purpose? I'm just thinking like a Parmesan. I'm just thinking cheese the whole time with this guy. Oh, I was thinking Palmetto or whatever those horses are. Palomino? Palomino. What's Pal... What's the thing I said? I don't think it's a word. Okay.

It's not anything. I pictured those horses. I said Palmetto or whatever. Palmetto. The horses and then I said Palomino? Yeah. What did I say? Palmetto sounds like a nice place though.

Imagine that, a meadow of palms. That's nice. Palomino? Yeah, what did I say? Palmetto sounds like a nice place though. Imagine that, a meadow of palms. That's nice. So what did I say? Because obviously what I said is also a thing. It's also a thing and it's probably also beautiful. Palmetto or whatever. Parmeto or whatever. Parmeto. That is where I want to be. If I retire one day into a jug, I want that to be situated in a Parmeto.

Wow, beautiful. We'll go find Matt in his jug. So Parmeto. Yes. Slash Parmesan. Yes. Slash Parmigno. Slash Palomino.

Slash Palomino was rescued by Alexander, but that meant Darius got away. So Alexander won the battle and whilst Darius fled, Alexander conquered the famous city of Babylon. Ah, yes, I've heard of it. So big deal. Yeah, where did you hear about it? From a Dave Matthews song? Or Dave Gray?

One of those two. In the name of Babylon. That one, what's that? A river's a Babylon. Yeah. Sublime covered that, I know that. Also, they sing, ah, Boney M. I was going to say it feels Boney M.

Rasputin as well. Yeah. Is that an original song? I don't know. That's the version I know. I don't know what that means. Seems weird that Sublime would cover Boney M, but maybe. Crazy things have happened. You and I became friends. I know. No one saw that coming. things have happened. You and I became friends. I know. No one saw that coming.

Rivers of Babylon is a Rastafari song written and recorded by Brent Dow and Trent McNaughton of the Jamaican reggae group, the Melodians in 1970. But it was repopulized in Europe in 1978 by Boney M. There you go. Love it. And you can also check out the sublime version. Hmm. And then what was I talking about? Oh, Palominos. But the sublime version. And then what was I talking about? Oh, Palaminos?

Despite basically having control of the whole Persian Empire at this point, Alexander went after Darius, who went on the run for many, many months. Darius himself was finally assassinated by one of his own generals, a guy called Bessus, who then proclaimed himself the King of Persia. And it's like, well, you're not really. Alexander controls most of it now. Right. Bessus apparently stabbed Darius and left him bleeding to death on the side of the road,

and Alexander's men found him dying. And he said to have his final words. I love this. I'm not sure if we believe this. His final words were apparently giving thanks to Alexander for looking after his family. That feels right. No, that feels right. And he smelled real good. And he smells really good. Oh, my God, those abs.

And I think I just tried to war with him all those times because I was so jealous of him and how good he smelled. I just wanted to be near him. I just wanted to be around him. He was just such an enigmatic force. Alexander gave him a full king's burial and then went after Bessus. He was pissed that this guy had killed the guy that he was trying to kill. Yeah, he's like, come on, man.

That was me. I was going to do that. He was mine to kill. Yeah, he's like, come on, man. That was me, I was going to do that. He was mine to kill. I called dibs. On killing him? Yeah. Well, he did. Alexander eventually caught up with Bessus and had him executed in a horrific way.

And yeah, I can't even remember what it was now, but it's very bad. I wrote horrific because I was like, I don't think we need to go into that. OK, it was that bad. Probably really nasty. Now I want to know. Paper cuts. Oh. Okay, it was that bad. Probably really nasty. Now I want to know. Paper cuts. Oh! Honey and put into one of his many ant kingdoms.

To be eaten alive. Sickombois. Now at the age of just 26, Alexander was king of Macedon, pharaoh of Egypt. Oh, I'm sorry, he was 26. He's 26. Okay. King of Macedon, pharaoh of Egypt and king of Persia, which together is so big. But he kept going.

Well, yeah, he's only 26. He's got a lot of life to live. He ends up becoming the mayor of Moorabbin. He really is. He's done it all. He's done it all. Come on down, guys. We've got heaps of good stuff going on in Moorabbin this weekend.

We got a town festival. We got a battle of the bands. Body jars headlining. There were a couple of hiccups along the way, according to history.com. To gain credibility with the Persians, Alexander took on many Persian customs. He began dressing like a Persian and adopted the practice of proskinesis, which was a Persian court custom that involved bowing down and kissing the hand of others, depending on their rank. The Macedonians were less than thrilled with the changes in Alexander and his attempt to

be viewed as a deity. They refused to practice proskinesis. They're like, this is weird, man. We don't do this. Right. And Britannica writes, Macedonian laughter caused the experiment to founder and Alexander abandoned it. So these Persians are coming in like sort of like bowing at his feet, kissing his feet,

kissing his hands and the Persians are like, the Macedonians are like, what are these people doing? And then and so and he's like, yeah, I know. It's embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't mean to be treated like a god. I did it because it was, I thought it was funny. Just see them.

Oh my god. Such a good bit I just did. Ha ha ha ha ha. And some historians say that. Alexander the Great Bit. Yeah. New title. Some argue that Alexander had to take on various customs of the different kingdoms

he conquered as a way to communicate with and control his subjects. Sort of be like, yeah, yeah, I'm your king. Showing a bit of respect. Yeah, I do what you do. You know, we know each other now. But it did put him at odds with some of his own men and some plotted his death. What? That seems wild.

He's shown that he's done, like he's pretty good at this game. Yeah, that's right. None better than me so far. Yeah, global monopoly, he is all over it. Yeah. He's buying hotels, putting them on top of Park Avenue, et cetera. Easy peasy.

Easy. Peasy. Parmenio, his second in command, had a son called Philotus, who was implicated in a plot against Alexander. Oh my God. The great king subsequently had both Philotus and his father, Parmenio, killed. And that's- we're not sure if Parmenio was actually involved in the plot. That's his right hand man.

That's his right hand man who had been with him the whole way. It had been loyal to his father, Philip. Was like a- and much older than Alexander, yeah. And like, he'd been like a real, like, figurehead to him. Yeah. This is what I'm telling you, it's the problem. He's done- he's conquered more than anyone ever before, but you never, someone's always coming for you. Be small.

No one comes for you if you're little. Exactly, do nothing. Lend into the background. Roll off a cliff. Then obviously get conquered and sold into slavery. Oh yeah, there's no good options back then. You know, that's right, you're the smallest person. It's not good either.

Our Britannica writes, This ruthless action excited widespread horror, but strengthened Alexander's position relative to his critics and those whom he regarded as his father's men. All Parmenio's adherents were now eliminated and men close to Alexander promoted. So he got rid of all the old guard that were really loyal to his father, just in case. But yeah, it's like you also lose a lot of knowledge and ability. Right. Yeah, they would have been playing their role. He's thinking, nah, it's me, I'm a god.

I'm a literal god. The eagle flew over. Yeah, exactly. If I can do anything, whatever I do, that's what a god would do, because I'm a god. So everything I'm doing, I'm nailing it. Even saying this right now. I'm doing it perfectly. These words in this order is exactly how a god would do it.

Because I'm a god. And even when I slipped up earlier and accidentally said the wrong word, that was god. It was godlike. Not godlike, it was god. Yeah, it's god. I'm god. I'm a god. I'm a dog.

All of this. I'm a god. Whatever. But that's all of this is part of it. Everything I've said. Even the dog thing. I'm reading God's script. Yeah, and God's script as well. I love you, Gob. Unfortunately for his friend, this wasn't the last friend to suffer his wrath. Cletus.

What? It could be Cletus, but I want to call him Cletus. Cletus. Cletus. Another I want to call him Cletus. Cletus. Cletus. Cletus. Another general and close friend of Alexander made fun of Alexander's new Persian persona, and whilst he was drunk, mocked the king a little too much for his liking, and Alexander lashed out and killed Cletus with a spear, an act that he later deeply regretted.

Yeah, I'd say it's a bit of an overreact. Yeah, I went too far there. He had quite a temper. Yeah, that has been apparent. Yeah, yeah. But like, and then like, the rage, the mist drops and he's like, I've just killed one of my best friends. Yeah, we've all done it.

You can't judge him. We've all done it. We've all sort of snapped and then gone, oh, I feel a bit silly. Was Cletus there when the Jugman was sort of giving him no respect? He's like, this guy loves it. He loves it when people don't respect him. He loves a little roast. Yeah. Just having a bit of fun. Yeah.

Fun amongst friends. Despite these hiccups, Alexander and his army continued on their quest for what now seemed like world domination. On and on and on the troops went into, in modern day terms, they went into Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan and even India conquering everyone along the way. A crazy fact about Alexander the Great is he never lost a battle. Wow. So he just he just kept winning. Already? He dies of old age.

Wow. He dies of old age, 120 years old, wow. And he did, he conquered the whole world, wow. Wow. Yeah, and you guys don't know much about your conqueror? I know, I'm just realizing I recognize that quiff, he's on the back of our coins. Already here to master an incredibly huge empire that stretched across three continents and covered about 2 million square miles or 5.2 million square kilometres. If that was a modern day country, it would be the seventh largest on earth after Australia, 7.7 million square kilometres and above India, which is 3.2 million.

And now he was in the process of taking over India. It's like he's travelled so far. 3.2 million. And now he was in the process of taking over India. It's like he's traveled so far. And by the time he got there, his army, they'd been on the road for almost a decade. And when they left, they didn't know how long they'd been gone for. Certainly not this long and this far away from home. They just kept going thousands and thousands of miles. It's like this wild adventure, but also the conditions had been really, really tough. Sometimes it was really, really hot. Sometimes it was really, really hot.

Sometimes it was really, really cold. They went through floods. Sometimes it was perfect. Yeah, it was just right. Sometimes it was like a beautiful holiday. Yeah, it was fantastic. Yeah, walking on the sand. But sometimes it was pretty touch and go. They were in pretty uncharted territory and some thought they were literally going to

find the edge of the earth. That's how far they traveled. Oh to find the edge of the Earth. That's how far they're traveling. Oh, this is pre-round Earth. Theories. Yeah, before the conspiracy theorists, the round Earthers got going. Is that right? Yeah, this is pre- When is, when does that happen?

When's Copernicus and stuff? Much after this. And is Copernicus a person? Yeah, yes. Or is it a type of horse? That's Copernicus and stuff? Much after this. And is Copernicus a person? Yeah, yes. Or is there a type of horse? That's Copernicus with the telescope. When we're looking up, he lived 1,800 years later than this. Okay, close.

Wow. About the same. Yeah. 1,800, so without pretty reason. Yeah, like much closer to us than, like so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all, you know, it's history. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. After winning some battles in the north of India, when the soldiers heard that actually there's heaps more land and plenty more Indian kingdoms to overcome, they'd had enough. Alexander wanted to keep going, but for the first time in his life, he faced a revolt. He had officers advise him that we should really go home. Alexander was furious, but eventually took their advice and turned back, which in itself was a crazy journey across the desert where he lost a lot of people. He was like, I want to go this way.

And they're like, OK, that's across the desert. Yeah, there's a water slide that'll take us all the way back and it'll be fun. He's like, no, I want to go this way." And they're like, okay, that's a grassed out desert. Yeah, there's a water slide that'll take us all the way back and it'll be fun. He's like, no, I want to go this way. We're walking through the sand. And I'd be like, well, I'm just going to stay here and wait for a vulture to come and kill me. When Alexander finally reached the city of Susa in Persia, he wanted to unite the Macedonians and Persians and he ordered 80 of his officers to marry Persian princesses at a mass wedding. Britannica writes that he also married 10,000 of his soldiers with native Persian wives who were given generous dowries. And it's at this same mass wedding that he himself married Statera, the daughter of his conquered enemy, Darius III.

In total, Alexander had three wives, so a lot less than his dad. He was a bit busier than his dad, I suppose. But the Macedonian officers forced into these Persian marriages were, again, pretty unhappy. And they were even more annoyed when 30,000 Persian youths started receiving Macedonian military training. And the Macedonians, already in the army, saw these newcomers as a threat to their own privileged positions. Like, you're getting a new army?

What about us? Just an extra army, just to keep us, we've got more territory now. Yeah. Like it makes sense. It does make sense, but they're like, but we should, we should be the army. You are the army. Yeah, you are the army. But there's a new army.

They're just also army. But they're Persian and we're Macedonian. We should be there. We're all, we're all one royal people. Exactly. He's like, and now you married them. That's your wife's family you're talking about. He's saying one world, one love.

Yeah. And he's, you know, he's singing, by the rivers of Babylon. Everyone now. There was an open mutiny involving all but the royal bodyguard. But when Alexander dismissed his whole army and enrolled Persians instead, the opposition broke down. They were like, oh, I didn't think you would do that. Okay.

So they came back. According to history.com, to further diffuse the situation, Alexander returned their titles and hosted a huge reconciliation banquet. So he called their bluff and they went, okay, yeah, I'll still be in your army. In 323 BC, Alexander returned to Babylon and he was reportedly back to Babylon, scouting out Arabia, which was south

of what he had already conquered when he conquered. Conquered. Conquered, you love that plane. I am Alexander the Conqueror. Conqueror. This sentence. You love that plane. I am Alexander the Conquardt. Conqueror. This sentence is going to sound weird now. He'd already conquered when he suddenly fell ill. What?

After a prolonged banquet and drinking bout. Okay, well we've all been sick after eating and drinking too much. He's hungover. Yeah. You skipped through him going through a desert and people die. Like, man, a lot of people died. Anyway, had a tummy ache. And now I'm going to go into the details of it. Yeah.

No, I don't need to edit this report at all. It was- One time he drank too much and he felt a bit cheeky-winky. It was quite the tummy ache. He was sick for about 10 days with a bad fever. Been there. Yep. And things were not looking good.

And because he had no clear succession plan, he was asked to whom he would leave his vast empire and reportedly answered, to the strongest. Oh my God. Which is a bit too open, Alexander. Yeah. It's kind of, it's beautiful and poetic. Yeah. It is a bad, like, thesis model.

Yeah, that's not a good, yeah, mate, come on, come on, if you want to keep it all together. Armoursly for it. Yeah. And all good things, and indeed all great things, must come to an end. Yeah. Yeah. And all good things and indeed all great things must come to an end. No. And Alexander the Great died on June the 13th, 323 BCE at around 32, having reigned for 12 years and eight months. Wow.

32. 32. Finally. Nearly 33. There's a few parallels with Jesus, right? Jesus dies at 33 There's only one story of Jesus from childhood like there's only one story of Alexander from childhood Just slightly different his is about riding a horse and Jesus was upset at people Selling stuff. Is that the story?

I don't remember that I think the only story they have of they I think is meant to be recorded about, supposedly recorded about Jesus was that they set up, someone set up a market in a church. And he's like, what are you doing? You can't, you can't sell things. This is a God's house. Is that the lenders in the temple or is that different? Probably, I don't know. That sounds right. And he's like, in my father's house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm just wondering if- I set up markets in my father's house all the time. How does it go? Garage sales.

No, like full farmers markets. Oh yeah. Like, yeah. Fresh eggs. Yeah, pigs. Fresh pigs. Fresh pigs. And how does your father take it?

He's like, oh, bloody hell, Jess. You've bloody done it again. Who are all these people, Jess? Jess, you moved out years ago and still once a month on a Sunday you come in here and you bring in- Where did you get all this produce? That's crazy. All those flowers are quite nice. again who are all these people Jess just you read that years ago and still once a

month on a Sunday you come in here and you bring you get all this produce crazy all those flowers are quite nice cheese all these prices are marked to go he's actually in on it basically given this stuff away I'm sure this will be the last ever market we ever have the closing down sale when I say I hold a market in my father's house, I say my dad and I have run a market. That's a father's market. It's a father's market. It's Perkins and son. He wanted a boy.

Sun crossed out or whatever. Or Jess if that's all we've got left. My son moved to Queensland and now I'm just stuck with this one. So, yeah, I'm afraid. Did you know that he... Do you know anything about his death? Did you know that he was going to die? You joked before about living to 120. Did you have a feeling or did you think...

Well, when you said that he never lost in battle, I'm like, I guess he's going to either get taken out or die. Something's going to happen, yeah. You had a feeling he would die. Yeah, because he was from thousands of years ago. Bring him in! He's soaked! You were great. What a tale.

Ow. Ow, I loved it. Ow, can I call you Ow? Ow, I... Let me be the first to Persian kiss you on the hand, mate. I'll do whatever you like, mate. I don't care. I'm going to call him Xander.

I like it. Not enough Alexander's choose Xander. Yeah, that's true. No, these are great, like, off the options. Yeah, Xander's good. Alex, blech. I've seen a true Xander. Yeah, that's true. No, I think they're great, like, off the options. Yeah, Xander's good. Alex, bleurgh, seen a million of them. I had an uncle, Lex. I thought that was pretty good.

It's pretty good. Yeah, because Lex is Lex Luthor. Xander's Xander, Alan, the Melbourne comedian. Yeah. OK, there's Xander Cage, XXX. Oh, and there's also Xander from Buffy. Yes. Yeah. Okay. There's Xander Cage, XXX. Oh, and there's also Xander from Buffy. Yes. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Those are three cool Xanders. Yeah. Yeah. So. Xander from Buffy. I don't think he's ever been described as cool before. Wow.

If he's listening, he is loving that. He's feeling pretty good about this. So, Alexander, he died. His death has been the center of much speculation for over 2000 years. Was he poisoned? Some say he might have had malaria or drunk contaminated water and just got sick from that. There are lots of diseases and fevers that could kill you back then.

It was quite easy to die back then. Yeah, for sure. I would have loved it. So many options. Half your work's already done. What's that, slight infection? All right, well, I'll just lie here and wait to die. I loved it. So many options. Half your work's already done. What's that? Slight infection. All right.

Well, I'll just lie here and wait to die. Typhoid and meningitis have also been mentioned. And some people are like, yeah, or did he just drink too much? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of options. He could have been, yeah, assassinated. I've heard some historians say, I can't remember who I heard say this, that he's like, well,

if he was poisoned, I don't think it was poisoning because he was alive for 10 days afterwards and not that many poisons take that long to cure. Yeah, true. But like fevers or malaria or illness is more likely to do that. But there'd probably be other people that say, no, there is a poison that can do that. That's the slow burning poison. Yeah, the 10 day poison. Alexander, like we said, had left no succession plan and had no obvious or

legitimate heir, and he just said cryptically to the strongest. His son by his wife, Roxanne, was born after Alexander's death. So she was pregnant when Alexander died and they named the son Alexander IV. There was support for both baby Alexander IV Fourth and Alexander's half-brother, Philip Aridaeus, who I mentioned at the start of the report, probably had learning difficulties, and they were actually appointed joint kings, albeit in name only, as there was a big power struggle going on between Alexander's generals, many of whom were lifelong friends he grew up with.

I mentioned them at the start of the report as well, and they are referred to as the Diatyche, and that translates as successors. So they weren't called that at the time, it was only after he died that they started being called the dyadarchy. And there were lots of rival assassinations, including Alexander the Great's son, Alexander the fourth was eventually murdered. So it was his brother, Philip Aridaeus and Alexander's mother Olympias was also murdered when Alexander the Great was out conquering.

She'd done a lot of ruling from Macedonia. So she was a very skilled and powerful person. And, you know, people trying to grab the throne were like, we got to get rid of her. Yeah. She knows what's what. 40 years of civil war between the Diatyche ensued before the Hellenistic world settled into three stable power blocks.

The Ptolemaic Kingdom founded by Ptolemy in Egypt. He was one of Alexander's lifelong friends and generals. The Seleucid Empire founded by Seleucus in Syria and the Middle East. Antigonid took over Macedonia, founding theikonid dynasty and Lysambicus founded the kingdom of Lysambicus, which included the famous city of Thrace. And a lot of these dynasties lasted centuries in their own right, much longer than Alexander was able to hold on to power himself. We've spoken about the Ptolemies in Egypt before.

Previous report topic Cleopatra was from the Ptolemaic kingdom a few hundred years later and was its last active ruler. She was later than this. Yeah, about 300 years later. She was the last of the Ptolemies, which was so her great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was Alexander's general. I had a Ptolemite account when I was a kid. I think. Is that the same thing? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do I say? Yeah. What did I say? What did I say? What a tale. Yeah, so he was gone and through his generals and their descendants, his impact was felt for centuries. His campaigns had greatly increased contact and trade between East and West, and vast areas to the East were significantly exposed to Greek civilisation and influence for the first time. His expeditions and his own personal interest in scientific investigation brought many advances

in the knowledge of geography and natural history. Like I said, some of them thought they were going to find the edge of the world and they're like, oh, there's people here, like lots of them. Yeah, wow. History.com writes, his influence on Greek and Asian culture was so profound that it inspired a new historical epoch called the Hellenistic period, which is usually classified as being between the death of Alexander the Great in 323 BCE and the death of the aforementioned Cleopatra in 30 BCE.

So there you go. Book ended by two of our report topics now. During the Hellenistic period, Greek cultural influence reached its peak in the Mediterranean and beyond. Prosperity and progress in the arts, literature, theatre, architecture, music, mathematics, philosophy and science characterised the era. Greek became the lingua franca in these places, making it easier to trade and communicate. It's like, hey, we all speak Greek now. It's all Greek to me. It's much more open world.

Which is something we all speak. Phr It's all Greek to me. It's a much more open world. Which is something we all speak. Yeah. Phrase meant something very different back then. Yeah. Britannica gives him a big rap writing, It is not untrue to say that the Roman Empire, the spread of Christianity as a world religion and the long centuries of Byzantium were all, in some degrees, the fruits of Alexander's achievement. Of course, I should say that these things weren't stuff he set out to do.

They were just byproducts of his drive to basically ruthlessly take over the world and conquer everyone. But he also influenced future generals and world conquerors who were inspired by him, including two very powerful Romans, Pompey, who also called himself Pompey the Great. He apparently adopted Alexander's haircut as a tribute. This is like- As you have done. Is that where the pompadour comes from? Maybe, I'm not sure.

Whoa. Looking at that. He also wore a cloak that he claimed Alexander himself wore, so he was very much trying to be him. Three centuries later, there's stories of of Pompey's contemporary, Julius Caesar, weeping in a statue of Alexander because Alexander had achieved so much more than him It's weeping in a statue. Yeah, it's full on. I don't go to the MCG and stand at the at the statues. Warning, it took so many more international wickets than me. I'm there, Ron Barassi. Much better mustache than I'll ever have.

I'm there, Ron Barassi. Much better mustache than I'll ever have. And it continued on Napoleon Bonaparte 2000 years later, set sail for Egypt to establish an Eastern Empire so he could emulate Alexander the Great. Wow. Which is crazy. Yeah. That's like, yeah, he must be looking down from wherever he is going. Guys, this is embarrassing.

Chill the fuck out. You're not me. You'll never be me. Do your own thing. Yeah. It's cool. Is that why Napoleon's sort of known as being short, even though he wasn't? He's trying to be. Trying to be short.

He wanted to be seen as short. He was walking around on his knees a lot. He's actually very tall. I guess you'll have to bring in the stool because my feet aren't on the ground. Napoleon, you're clearly... You're fine, man. You're quite tall. Yeah.

A figure mentioned in both the Bible and the Quran is often interpreted as being Alexander. Such is his influence and notoriety. Who knows how much more of the world he would have conquered if he hadn't suddenly died so young. In a decade, he had conquered one of the largest empires of the ancient world. But that's my report on Alexander the Great, which, by the way, he probably wasn't called great in his lifetime, but started being called that after his death. The Romans started referring to him as Alexander the Great, but we all know him as that.

And yeah, he's- During his time- Myth lives on. He was known as Alexander the Fragrant. I just wish, I mean, if I could have a time machine and do one thing, it would be to go back in time, get a quick whiff, and then get back in the time machine and come back to tell you all. That is what you would use a time machine for. Yes.

Okay. You'd sniff the quiff. Hashtag sniff the quiff. We're bringing the hashtags back. Yeah, it's time. It's time. Thank you for that, Dave, because yeah, for such a famous person and a well-known name, I knew none of that.

Absolutely not a single little scarik of it was familiar to me at all. And that's the point of this podcast. If you told the story of him being like a 16th century Russian. Yeah, I'd be like, oh yeah. Nice. Duh, duh. Yeah, yeah, I thought that was. That was one of the four options he did present at the time.

Was he Russian? No. If you were like, it was actually the 1700s, I'd be like, uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That feels right. Yeah, he was on. BC or the other one. Yeah, that feels close and but far away.

He was on the first fleet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Discovered Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Convict, soul over Discovered Australia. Convict, solo life of bread. He was a convict. I would have believed it. So actually, I don't know if anything we just heard is true.

Hmm. Where do you lie, Nosto? Dave. Have we just walked into a classic Alexander the Great trap? All right, I'll start the report. No! The real report now. No, I'll die.

Like I said, a lot of it could be mythologised because, like, you know, he thought he was a bit of a god. And also, it's so long ago. But like, he there's no doubt that he conquered such a big swathe of land. It's crazy. Some of his direct quotes and quips. Yes. Yeah. But I love them. I can't leave out when he's like, well, I too would do that if I were Parmenio. But I am Alexander. If I was a little bitch, that's what I'd do.

Totally. No, I fully get it, Parmenio, because if I was like a little tiny baby, like a little wussy bitch up there, yeah, that's what I would do. It does feel a bit like so, like in 2000 years time, if people are talking about us. Look at that, Richard the Third and none of the actual contemporary stuff survived, but then they just based it on what Shakespeare wrote in his plays. And then he said, it's like he probably didn't, but it's fun. And he's a wild figure. They're basing Queen Elizabeth, our current Queen Elizabeth II, her life on the crown.

On the crown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watching it go, it was exactly like that. Whoa. And then they picked a bit of fluff off his jumper and the other guy was like, oh my god, they must be having an affair because that's a very intimate thing to do. That's how it was back then. The highest form of intimacy was taking fluff off someone's jumper. They called it fluffing.

All right. That brings us to everyone's favourite section of the show where we get to thank some of our, I'm going to say it's some of our great supporters. Okay. Oh my God. Patreon the great. Yeah, I think each and every one of them. I don't get it. You could name them that.

I think they're all fantastic. I love them all. I'd have them all as my wives. I know Darryl had six. Dennis. Dennis had six. Philip. Dennis had six. Philip. Philip had six. I'm going to have all of them if they want.

OK, obviously you got to opt in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because then when me and all of the patron supporters of the show go on a battle, we'll all fight really hard because we don't want to embarrass each other. Playing the long game there. Exactly. But yeah, Dave, what's this section of the show? We take 20 to 40 minutes, depending on how silly Jess is feeling.

And then we just really thank some of these great supporters. Yeah, that's right. These people that already support the show and get bonus content like bonus episodes we put out for a month now including our Dungeons and Dragons campaign which is rocketing along and people are giving us a lot of great feedback and we're going to continue it next year over the new season. Get access to the Facebook group which is one of the loveliest places on the internet and pre-sale tickets, discount tickets, we're going to send out our Christmas cards so

hopefully you've signed up if you want one of those cards. And yeah, basically you also get to know that you support the show, which is hopefully a nice thing to know. And we also shout out to some of our people as well as invite them into the fact quota question mat, which. Yeah, I think it has a jingle, go somewhere like this. Fact quota question. Ding. He always remembers or question. Ding.

He always remembers the ding. She always remembers the quiver. Vibrato. That was one of the best I've seen. Thanks. Yeah. Ever. That was up there with Belinda Carlisle. Thank you so much. Yeah, that means so much to me.

Wow. One of the best quivers in the game. Oh my, heaven is a place on earth. Oh, yeah. Heaven is a place in my ears when Jess is singing. Thank you so much. So, yeah, people get to give us fact, quote is a place on earth. Oh, yeah. Heaven is a place in my ears when Jess is singing. Thank you so much. So, yeah, people get to give us a fact, quote or a question. If they're on the Sydney Schomburg level or above, if you want to get involved in any of this stuff, go to Patreon.com slash to go on pod. But you get to give us a fact, quote or question, brag, suggestion,

really whatever you like. You also get to give yourself a title. I'm going to read out three this week. These are blocktastic facts, quotes and questions. Oh, yeah. First one comes from Andy Swibes. Swibes. Swibes. Swibes, whose title is Monday. Totally. OK. Yeah. You're feeling a bit Monday, I get it.

And Swibes has got a suggestion writing, I've just moved across the country and things have been awesome in mine and Hooghys new home. Hoogies swipes his wife. Right, and previously we're Chicago dwellers, is that right? That's right. Good memory, yes, that's correct. Wow. Brother works in Gary.

He's a cop in Gary or fireman in Gary, something like that. We are giving you a lot of details here, but we appreciate you. We appreciate you and Hoogs. Hoogsy. All is amazing here. She is still the shit. However, that's not a bad one. Hoogsy. All is amazing here. She is still the shit. How that's not a bad one. Hoogsy the shit. That's nice.

That's a good example of a coxenomimum. Yeah. However, work has been slow for me on the engineering front for the past month or so. And I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of Monday when it comes to work. So this is more so me asking for a suggestion than me giving one. I've taken up watercolour painting and I'm really loving it, especially with how work has been slow. It helps me get grounded. However, I seem to have not found my style yet. I find

myself painting and drawing things similar to my partner and friends of mine who are all incredible artists. So I wanted to see if we could get a few suggestions of things I can try painting and drawing to help me find my style by trying error. I've got painters block. I will try to be on top of this so I can make a post on the Facebook group. The friendliest corner of the internet. Lovely. When it comes out. Otherwise whoever beats me to it I'd love to get a thread with everyone's input. PS, today is also my one year anniversary of marriage to the one and only Hoogsy. Oh my goodness.

And I wanted to just squeeze in and say, I fucking love ya. Cheers. That's not, was that for us? It doesn't say who it's to. Loves us. I assume. That's so nice. Thanks for saying that on your anniversary. Thank you. Yes.

That means a lot, actually. Yeah, I mean. I probably. It's a big day for us too. You're probably saying Hoogsy and you can say it to her in person. But it's nice to know that there's room enough for all of us in this marriage. Yeah. What's a five way throuple?

Is that just what it's called? I think so, yeah. I think they call it a Philip the second. Oh, yeah. Philip Massage the second. So what do you think? What should Swibesie be painting? I know Swibesie took me out to

the Guinness factory and brewery in Chicago. I'd love to see a watercolour painting of a pint of Guinness with the, you know how it does that colour thing going up? Oh, as I pour it. They pour it through the double pour and then it slowly moves up.

I want to see it where it's sort of like, it's in a state of flux. It's happening. Love that. It's moving. What do you reckon about that? I love that. I think that's beautiful. I think that's art.

Yeah. And here's the thing too. Isn't, isn't art just like getting inspiration from other places and other things and other people and... Totally. That's how people find their stuff for sure. Nobody has an original idea. So the fact that you're like, oh, I'm painting like my wife and our friends who are great

artists. Yes. Well, what an honor to them. The Beatles were trying to do blues. Yeah. I mean, you'd rather paint like a great artist than a bad artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going to copy someone, copy someone good.

Copy the greats. Yep. Any suggestions though on what to paint though? Just subjects or styles? Dogs. Oh, we love a dog. Love dogs. Yeah.

Paint my dog. Love cats. We don't love cats. Paint my dog. And also, I'm not sure if you want this to be a lucrative thing or it's just an artistic thing, but a great way to make money as an artist. Dogs. Dog.

I'll pay for a patty on my dog. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you have to tell you, we've got a Guinness, we've got a dog. What about, you know, still life? Classically, it's just a fruit bowl. But often you see a pear. Yep.

You see an orange, you see an apple. What about the more exotic fruits? Okay. Dragon fruit. Dragon fruit. Pomegranate. Mangosteen. Star fruit. Star fruit. Yeah.

Yeah. So still life of more exotic fruits. Yep. Love it. Get a few different colours in this, Wobbsie. We love colour. Yeah. We love big and colour in our art, don't we?

Huge, yeah. The bigger the better for that. I love big splodges of colour. Circles. Just make a big painting with colours. Ooh, I love colors. What do they say? Good artists. Copy. Great artists.

Steal. That's what they say. I think and that's how they, you know, provide for themselves to buy their. Yeah. Their shoplift. And then they sell the proceeds and buy paints with it. That's right. Ah, Swibesie. Thank you so much for checking in. Looking forward to seeing these arts of work.

What a trip titch that will make. Yeah. And thank you for congratulating us on our anniversary. Yeah. We love you too. Shout out to you and Hoogsy as well. Yeah. Hoogsy the shit. Yeah. This three way, this five way throuple is mutual. Yeah. Michael Derizzi is coming in next. I'm a little behind listening to the pod because I've been a bit obsessed with my country's election but I'm trying to catch up in time for block.

Well, god damn it Michael, it is block. You're right in the middle of it here. Anyway, he's offered a quote saying, oh my god, I think I might know vaguely the voice. I can't do impersonations, but see if you can guess it. In Springfield, they're eating the dogs. The people that came in, they're eating the cats. They're eating the dogs. The dogs.

They're eating the pets of the people that live there. Oh yeah, that wasn't, they're eating the dogs. Yeah, they're eating the geese. He says, that was from a 78 year old senile piece of shit. Now we'll say of course that 50% of our audience are fierce Trump supporters and they might not like that characterisation, but I'm just reading the words on the page. That's right. We're just having fun with our voices here.

We're not censoring anyone. No. And I think the 50% of our audience who are big Trump fans will certainly- They'll appreciate that. They'll accept that Michael can say his two cents. That's democracy. That's right. This is the land of the free.

That's right. Podcast world. Thank you very much for that, Michael. That is one of the funniest quotes in politics for some time. So funny. They're reading the dogs. I mean, almost anything he says is pretty fun. I saw a little clip and I couldn't find it.

I wanted to send it to you, But it was these two Irish comedians, probably doing a podcast and they're just doing they're quoting it back and forth. And what I was like, it kind of sounds like he's doing Dr. Seuss to reading the dogs during the cats. They're reading the people that don't have any hats. It was a bit of fun. Thank you, Michael. Next one comes from Nate Ramirez. Ramirez.

Ramirez. Ramirez.-ay. Ramirez. Ramirez. OK. Seashore, seashell seller. And Nate has a brag writing, Hello, Matt, Jess and Dave. I'm not sure if this fits under the brag category, but it seemed appropriate. My dad was a firefighter for the last 30 years. Can you guess the number of the final station that he worked at? It's a two digit number.

Is it 69? Dave, do you want to have a guess? Is it 68? Jess? Closer to that going over. Jess, you are correct. On this episode, 269. No, 469.

Wow. Wow. That is- That's magic. That is not planned. I don't read this I read them and we're only 2,000 episodes away from 2469 oh my god I tell you what 2,000 episodes just a poultry 2,000 we can't do that right do we have enough weeks in our lives I don't

be sure and Matt doesn't but we might have to bump it up to like three episodes a day. Yeah. No, I can't. I think that's about 40 years or something. I'm busy. 40. We could probably make, you and I, Jess can make 40 years. He's not making 40 years.

Are you kidding me? I'll outlive you all. It's so true. It's so true. It is true. Thank you. Jess will give up way before you. In the water wars, Jess is rolling off you. Jess will give her away before you.

In the water wars, Jess is rolling off and I'm tied to her for some reason. Stop tying yourself to me. Thank you so much to Nate, Michael and Andy. Next thing we like to do is shout out to a few of our other fantastic supporters. Jess normally comes up with a game. Yeah. So what is, what's the word Dave? The Cog Cinnamon?

Cog-no-men. C-o-g-n-o-m-e-n. Okay. What is, what's the word Dave? The Cogcinnamon? Cog-no-men. C-O-G-N-O-M-E-N. Okay, I wanna get some examples of cognamens. We're gonna give them cognamens. Oh, I took a, there's a Wikipedia list if you want to. I don't want your help. How about I read out the names?

Dave, you say the the. Thank you for including me in this. Or you read out the names and I say the that because I reckon I can do that. It's up to you. What do you prefer to do? I've been talking a lot. I'm happy to say the. All right.

Jess, you ready? No. Well, let me explain briefly while Jess is finding that. So I'm going to read out nine names. These people have been supporting us for a little while on the shout out level or above, which I believe is called the ass prod level, but any level above that, you'll also get a shout out. And yeah, I'm going to read out the name.

Dave's going to say the Jess is going to say, we can, I'll just make it up. All right. So here we go. Love it. First up from address unknown, which we can only assume means there from deep within the fortress of the moles. Uh, please, and thank you to... Guglia Jones.

I'm assuming it's Julia Jones. I've never seen Julia spell like that, but that doesn't mean it's... That's the Italian way. Ah, my man. Yours was Italian. Italian doesn't have the letter J in it, anyway. Guglia. Well, sir, Yours was Italian. Yeah. Italian doesn't have the letter J in it anyway. Guglia.

Well, so now Jones. Yeah. Jones is an Italian. Ready for this? Yes. The? Little. Oh.

Julia Jones the little. Julia Jones the little. How close to Halloween is this coming out? Cause that's a perfect one. Sorry, Julia. That, yeah. It's like John Carlo and stuff. Yeah.

St. John. Next up, also from address unknown, I guess, right there with Julia in the fortress of the moles. Oh my God, how's this for a name? Please and thank you to Richard Judge, Dick Judge. Dick Judge the? Mouse. Okay.

Dicky Judge the Mouse. That's so good. Third in a row, completing a triptych of mole people, please and thank you to Lena Holes. Lena Holes the? The Swiss. Like Swiss cheese has holes in it. Yeah, yeah. The Swiss.

I like that a lot. Lena Holes the Swiss. Am I doing it right? You're doing it fantastically. Yeah, yeah. I mean, one of them was the cabbage. And that's a historical figure who was like in charge of people. Cabbage. The cabbage.

Small hands smell like cabbage. What's that from? Austin Powers? Maybe. It's a... There's a kid at school who quoted a lot of Mark Myers. Right. And he said that cabbage went on.

Smell like cabbage. Small hands. From... It is Austin Myers. Right. And he said that cabbage one on smell like cabbage, small hands from. It is awesome. From Northampton in Great Britain, please. And thank you to Freya Davies. Wow. That's a sick name. That's right. Freya Davies. The apple. Oh, yeah.

The apple. That's way better than cabbage. Yeah. You'd rather be an apple than a cabbage. Yeah. From Dublin. we'll see you soon. In Ireland, it's Malcolm LaRoe. Malcolm LaRoe the- Crusher. Oh my God. That's awesome.

It's the Irish Nick Cody. That was his nickname? Yeah. His nickname Crusher, yeah, yeah. From Selbridge in Ireland, please and thank you, Adam and thank you Adam Leach. Adam Leach the? The Harpoon.

Oh, I love the word harpoon. Harpoon. I'll put on my list of words I like. Okay. Short list. Cool. It's harpoon and plop. Like a harpoon.

Do you like that song? Jeopardy song? Like a harpoon. No, I love your impression of it. I don't know about you and then it was covered by something for Kate So I don't know which version I'm doing. I think I'm doing the From Belfast oh my god

What would we doing that week in I think maybe we were putting out Irish pre-sale from Belfast in Belfast. We'll see you soon. It's David Tennant. Well, David Tennant, the doctor. Oh, my God. Which I'm sure David gets never and it's never tedious or boring or annoying.

Sure. It's always funny. Alternative, the landlord. No. Flipping it on its head there. No. From... It's mine. ...Gazgoo in Scotland. You read your funny little names.

It's... And when I say it's, I mean, please and thank you to Sophie Skilling. Sophie Skilling the... Professor. That's a good one. Thank you. That's really good. Yeah, I really like that.

I'd want that one. Oh, Skilling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On a recent episode of Primal mates did Bedtime for Bonzo and Ronald Reagan's dad in it was a career criminal whose criminal name was the Professor. I like that. Which is pretty sick. That's pretty cool.

Pretty sick name and a fantastic bit of cinema. And finally from Musselburr. Musselburr. Yeah, probably Musselburr... Mussel... Bruh. Yeah, probably Musselburr. Musselburr. Musselburr. Bruh. In Great Britain, please and thank you to Heather Johnson. Heather Johnston, the...

Gossip. Oh yeah. That's a good one too. Thank you and hopefully, I'm guessing maybe we'll see a lot of you at the live shows coming up to Heather, Sophie, Adam, David, Malcolm, Freya, Lena, Richard and Guleah, Julia. What's Julia Guleah? That's an Adam Sandler. Shan, man. Finally, we do the Triptych Club.

We've got six inductees this week. Dave, do you want to quickly explain to us what the Triptych Club is? This is our Hall of Fame, our clubhouse where we induct people that have been on the shout out level or above for three consecutive years and to say, hey, thank you so much for your support. We've already given you a shout out a couple of years back, but now we're going to enshrine you forever by welcoming you into the clubhouse. We have a big ceremony.

Every week we welcome new people in and inside. There's games, there's people, there's stories to tell, there's all sorts of things. And I can't wait, I think we're going to be doing this live in Leeds, which I'm actually, I'm really pumped for. I think it would be so much fun live. I can't wait to see Jess, Jess work. Like you already, it feels like you perform this section of the show to me and Dave. I can't imagine what you'll do in front of hundreds of people.

I think it's going to be fantastic. Uh, I don't know. I'm pretty shy. And you're behind the bar, Jess. What are you, what are you working on? Put me on a stage and I just, oh, I get all, I get all shy. Oh, what do I say? What, what are words?

Behind the bar? Yeah. You'll never believe it. I, cause we were talking about this just before. Yeah. But I just got a shipment of beautiful Hawaiian macadamias. Oh my God. I didn't know they were ours.

But like, we could just get them here. I got them from bloody Hawaii, but they're gorgeous. Probably made by the Dolph company. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who were not problematic at all. No, no, no. A beautiful history. Yeah, I think the whole history of of of Europeans in in Hawaii.

Very positive. Yeah, as far as I know. As far as I know. Um, all right. So six names. Oh, Dave, you booked a band for the after party. Oh my gosh, you're never going to believe it. What? You will never believe this. What?

I have booked an Aussie band this week. Why? I've been attempting them to reform for a long, long time. The greats are here. Whoa. The greats. Patience? Yeah, known for? 19, 20, 20, 19, 20, 20. Oh, yeah, so good.

That's the one I can remember. But- Gravity can't get you high. Looking forward to- is that another one of their songs? I think that was one of their albums. Oh. I had a few of their albums. Gravity Won't Get You High 2006. And they'll be playing that in full, they just emailed. We were too young, so we didn't know.

Yeah, that was a big triple J band. We couldn't listen to music in 2006, we were too little. Oh my God, we were still basically in the womb with Zeus hitting our mother's wombs. I was too little. All right, so six names into the Triptych Club. Here we go. On this, the 469.

Imagine this live, people getting behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, imagine the hype. We'll actually be doing it live. That's going to be sick. It's going to be crazy. But we will make everyone in the crowd who's not in the Triptych Club already leave. That's very exclusive.

All right, so Dave, are you ready? Dave's going to hype them up. He's standing on the stage, he's the MC. I'm on the door, got the door list, about to read out six names. If you hear your name, run on in. And all the other, I think, 1000 plus members of the Triptych Club will be chanting along.

Jess will be holding Dave's butt just to make sure he feels safe. Thank you. I don't hold his butt. Oh. I just have my hand sort of like- Nassled between the cheeks. Yeah, there's no squeeze. But my hand between the cheeks.

But Twixt the Cheeks. King Asses. All right. Are you ready, Dave? I'm ready. From Ridgehaven, which is what Jess calls her spot in Dave's bar. In South Australia, please and welcome Lauren Boyle. It never feels like Toyo when I'm talking to Lauren Boyle. Woo!

From North Miami Beach in Florida, it's Daniel Carraway. I get carried away every time I see Daniel. From Parkville here in Melbourne, Victoria, it's Simon Windley. That's a silent D on Windley. Simon Windley. Yeah. From Sigilferrior. You've nailed that. In Iceland, it's Mossy. Again, having a bit of gossy with Mossy. From Rising Sun in maybe Maryland in

the United States, it's Shelby. Tell me more. No, tell me more. Shelby Moore, something like that. Yeah, yeah, that's good stuff. With the first name is harder sometimes, but. We did it, you did it. Hey, back yourself, it's good stuff. Shelbyville, yeah, I love ya. From Mary McCusin. Elgin in Moray in Great Britain.

Jenna Morrison. More like 10 out of 10 of Morrison. Yeah. Woo! Welcome Jenna, Shelby, Mossy, Simon, Daniel and Lauren. Make yourselves at home. Please grab a macadamia nut and get ready to enjoy the greats. Probably one of the best bands they've booked in quite a while. Can't wait to see the greats.

Wow, yeah. Huge. I'm excited. I can't remember who I booked last week, but surely they were great. I'm sure they were. Yeah. In their own way. I didn't book any bad ones. That's right. Hey Dave, we are done. But what have we got? Six, five more block weeks to go? Six more blocks to go. Can you believe it? And they're only heating up.

Yes. It's only getting bigger, badder, better from here. Jess, anything we need to tell people before we go? No. Well, if Jess doesn't know, I'd love to tell you to sign up to our mailing list, our tour mailing list, follow us on social media, we're putting up videos, do go on pod, do go on podcasts on TikTok, but everywhere else I think it's to go on pod. Dave, boot this baby home.

We'll be back next week with the sixth most voteable topic of Block 2024, but until then, I'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye! Bye! Bye! This message comes from BetterHelp. Can you think of a time when you didn't feel like you could be yourself? Like you were hiding behind a mask? BetterHelp online therapy is convenient, flexible, and can help you learn to be your authentic

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