Do Go On - 473 - Genghis Khan

Episode Date: November 13, 2024

On the third most voted for topic of Block 2024, we talk about one of the most successful and fearsome leaders in human history, the founder of the Mongol Empire; Genghis Khan. This is a comedy/history podcast, the report about the murders begins at approximately 08:57 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).*Content warning for sexual assault, at approximately: 1:48:34For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present. REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.dancarlin.com/product/hardcore-history-wrath-of-the-khans-series/ https://www.worldhistory.org/Genghis_Khan/https://www.britannica.com/biography/Genghis-Khan/Legacyhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genghis_Khan#Legacy_and_historical_assessmenthttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongol_Empirehttps://www.history.com/topics/asian-history/genghis-khanhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/01/08/the-frustrating-hunt-for-genghis-kahns-long-lost-tomb-just-got-a-whole-lot-easier/ https://www.iflscience.com/fact-check-are-one-in-200-people-descended-from-genghis-khan-65357 https://historyofyesterday.com/subutai-the-general-who-conquered-the-most-territory-in-history/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongol_invasions_and_conquests#Death_toll Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We are about to board our plane to Europe. Toot toot! I cannot wait. Jess is taking a train. That's what we're doing. We're at the train session. Toot toot. Toot toot! Aerotrain. Yeah.

So it's really exciting. A bunch of the shows are already sold out, but we still have a few tickets, including some extras in Edinburgh that we've just released, as well as Belfast, Dublin, Birmingham and London. We'd love to see you at all of those shows. And then after our Do Go On Tour wraps up, Matt's sticking around for a little bit longer to do some Who Knew It and some stand-up shows. That's right. And you're joining me, Dave, as well, at the London show doing the Who Knew It.

And we've also got special guests at each show. The Lawmen are coming along to that one. Then also doing Lester and Edinburgh. I absolutely can't freaking wait. Never been to Lester before. Really excited. I got some cool guests. Haven't been fully locked in yet but they sound like they're going to be sick. So if you want tickets to any of these shows go to dogoonepod.com and we'll see you there. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dev Warnocky and as always, I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart.

Hello, I'm Matt Stewart. What? Oh, that's throwing me for a loop. I thought I was Matt Stewart. No, no, no. It's me, Matt Stewart. What? Oh, that's throwing me for a loop. I thought I was Matt Stewart. No, no, no. It's me. Matt Stewart.

Oh, cool. Wow. I'm really fun and vivacious. Uh-huh. So I, yeah, that feels right. I'm Jess Perkins. Yeah. I'm vivacious.

I'm quite dull. Yeah, you are. Yeah. This does make sense. And I'm Dave. Welcome to the third most requested topic for Block Bustatoba slash Blovember. Twenty, twenty four people were on the podium. Can you believe it? On the day.

So my goodness. Huge. And I think I think it's unfair to even make it sound like it's the Olympics. This is. It's not the Olympics. It's not the Olympics. Which we have to say legally. Yeah. Because we're not endorsed by the Big O as we call them. We can say the Olympics. The Big O is something different. That's octagonal.

That's right. That's all of a clock. Big O means a lot of things to a lot of people. But this isn't the Olympics. Is that what you're saying? No, because bronze in the Olympics is like a piece of... You might as well have had someone a piece of shit in a bag. Yeah, yeah.

Imagine if you got a medal around your neck and then they say, also, this is for you. It's a steaming bag. Third is second loser, OK? Yeah. But that's not the case in block. Third is actually very prestigious. Yeah, absolutely. This is out of, like, all topics and all people and everything that's ever happened.

And here's the thing, like people vote on these topics, right? So a lot of people wanted this. Do you know what I mean? But when you come third in the Olympics, nobody wanted you. Nobody wanted you. Nobody wants you. Your parents don't want you. Yeah.

No one wants it. You deserve a little bag of shit. And like, say you're, oh, you came third in like, I don't know, like the- Equestrian. Equestrian. What's that? Third out of like 17 people worldwide who do that sport? Wow.

Who can own a horse to ride in a bad event? In this economy? It means nothing. It means nothing. You're right. Oh, you're the third best super rich person at like trotting about and having a plait on your ponytail. You are doing a very good Jess. I do get riled up about stuff. Well, I'm riled up. Anyway,

Dave, what are we talking about? Can I be mad again? Yeah, you can be mad again. Thank you. And I'll be David and I'll save what we're doing here. I miss being vivacious. Yeah. I don't know if I fully know what it means, but I feel like I'm confident that is you. I don't fully know either, but I agree with you. Yeah, yeah. Now, do go on. What we do here is we often take an intense report on a topic, suggested to us by one of the listeners, usually go away, do a bit of research. And during blockbuster October slash November, we've put out a poll and that put out hundreds of topics. And they're all

the most requested ones from our big hat, which has thousands and thousands of suggestions. And then thousands of people voted for them. There's lots of people voted for what they wanted us to talk about. And this is the third most requested one of the year. Can you believe it? And we always start with the question. Okay. And it's always a bit of a weird time during block slash November.

Usually we don't know what each other are going to talk about. It's a complete mystery. But we've divvied up these topics a few weeks back. Yeah, but Dave, 10 minutes ago, you said, do you remember what it is? And I said, yeah, I do. And I've actually already forgotten. So, I'm coming fresh at this. Address this question firstly to you possibly. Fantastic. And that is-

Mongolia. Damn it. That's Matt's answer. The question is, who founded the Mongol Empire? Mongolia. It makes sense. It does make sense. Who would you name an empire after? Oh, my name. Mongolia. It makes sense. Who would you name an empire after? Oh, my name's Mongolia.

You start the Mongol Empire. My empire would be...Jesolia. That's pretty good. That's nice. Sounds like a flower. Don't you think? Yeah. Can I get a bunch of the Jesolias? Oh, the Jesolias are gorgeous this time of year. Are the Jesolias blooming yet? Yeah. Oh, they're blooming big time. They're vivacious.

What colours of the Jessolias have you got this year? Oh, pink, purple and blue. Beautiful. Yeah, we got the big three. But I've been working on a new one. Brown. Love that brown flower. Beautiful brown flower.

Beautiful brown. What I'm going to do is neglect the purple ones for a little while. And then you got it. Bob's your uncle. So Jess, who founded the Mongol Empire? Um, it feels like, was that Lenin or McCartney? No, no, no. This is, he appeared in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, if that helps you.

I haven't seen it. What? Should I see it? Yeah. Okay. Keanu. Oh, is it Keanu? Keanu Reeves, lock it in.

No, all right, back to Matt then. Genghis or Genghis? Or Chingus? Or Chingus Khan. Ah! Which we will talk about the name first of all, but that's who we're talking about this week. Our third most requested topic, a titan of world history. But do you know much about the man? Absolutely not. And that's why I like Block in particular, but also just in general, this

podcast is I feel like it is often topics where you go, I mean, I know the name, but when when quizzed on it, you're like, I actually don't know anything about this person or about this time of history or anything. I'm stupid. Would you even know how long ago, I reckon it is? Oh, 83. Yeah. Yeah. What do we think? Like 83 BC? 83 BC. We'd actually be closer if you said 1983. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I said.

That's what I said. That's what I said. 1283. Yeah, we're in the 1200s. Somebody's really crushing it today. And I can't, you know, normally you're so dull. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so interesting. Now, the topic of the great Khan that we will talk about, and I'll talk about how to pronounce this man's name in a little bit, it's been suggested by unsurprisingly lots and lots of people. So thank you to anyone who has ever suggested a topic. You can do so via our website, juggleonpot.com or in the link in the description of this very episode.

But these are the people that suggested Genghis or Genghis Khan. And thank you to, first of all, Levi from Hubba Hubba. Get out. I'm moving there. Wow. Can I please work remotely from Hubba Hubba forever? It's so good. I love a place name that also has a hand signal.

Hubba Hubba. It's so good. I love a place name that also has a hand signal. Hover, hover. I let you at home imagine what Matt was doing with his hands. They're imagining some gross stuff. And they're correct. Max Grimes from Scarborough, Rob Cranmer from Birmingham, Roy Phillips from Boreham Wood, Max Edmonds from Bristol, Michael Hick from London, Gurav from London, Jamie Alcantara from London. London love this topic. Michael Welch from

Parramatta here in New South Wales, Brian V. Douglas from Portland, Oregon, Bethany from Scotland, Ethan Lee from Brighton, Michael Horwodel from Conchurchocken in Pennsylvania, Bethany Walby from Gretna, Scotland. David Brown from Mount Martha. Gillian Locke or Gillian Locke from Highfields. Anthony Hanlon from Caledonia in Canada. Dennis Austin from Hamilton, Canada. Michael Hick, another one from London.

We're nearly there. Braden Douglas from Brisbane. Is that two different Hicks? Yeah, I think that's- Was it possibly the same Hick? It's Michael Hick twice. Michael Hick gets two shout outs. Michael Hick is keen on the Khan. And honestly, maybe a little's possibly the same. It's this is Michael Hick twice. Michael Hick gets two shout outs. Michael Hick is keen on the Khan.

And honestly, maybe a little like aggressive. Yeah. You know what I mean? Back off Hick. Like we get it. Yeah. We get it. You want this topic? OK. OK. We get it. Chill. Oh, also, Braden Douglas from Brisbane, Youssef, aka me from Glasgow,

Ben Plumridge from Peterborough in the UK, Drew Peisner from Los Angeles and Julian McManhide from Geelong. Can I say something stupid? Yes. As you were reading those names I was like, God, a lot of people suggested this. And that's the point. These are our most requested topics that are then voted on as well.

So you know, my earlier comment about my own level of intelligence stands. I think it should too. I think it should stand. I have other values. Dave also said, as he before he read them out, he said, there's quite a lot of people who suggested this topic. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, so now I'm supposed to listen when Dave talks.

Well, that's hard because you get lost in his eyes. I know. I think I can either look at him or I can listen to him. I can't do both. I can't do both. Well, listen now, because I'm going to start the report. Listen now, great podcast. That reminds me, I'm going to listen to that first season about cold chisels.

And I'm actually, I would have just seen them, but in between this being recorded and it coming out. Man, I'm so pumped. 50th anniversary tour. Unbelievable. Crazy. Exciting stuff. Blockbustertober number three.

We have to talk about how to pronounce this topic. Now I don't know about you guys, my whole life I've always heard this man was known as Genghis Khan. Yes. He's growing up, that's what people said. Yeah, absolutely. And I remember he came up briefly on an episode of this a few months ago and I said, I'd just heard, listened to a history podcast or something that was calling him Jengus. So I said

Jengus and like you didn't say anything, but you laughed at me. At. At. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Normally we're laughing with each other, but every now and then we are both laughing at. I don't remember that. He stuffed that up. And I'm like, what an idiot. Well in Masterfence, there is no universal romanization system used for Mongolian. As a result, modern spellings of Mongolian names vary greatly and may result in considerably different pronunciations from the original. Most historians I came across, Matt, they're on your side. They call him Jengis Khan.

Is it European and American historians? Apparently, he your side. They call him Jengis Khan. He's a European and American historian. Apparently, he's known in Mongolia as Chingis Khan. OK. Spelt with a C-H. Almost feel like maybe they're who we should go with. You'd think so. Yeah, that's not a bad thought. But then I also heard another historian who's like an expert in this area. Again, I think he's an English guy. He pronounced it as Chinggis Han.

Okay. Okay. So what pronunciation are you going to go for today? I think I'm going to go with Genghis Khan. Okay. Because I've been watching the Netflix show Marco Polo and they call him that. And I'm sure that's historically accurate. I'm sure.

Which is about his grandson. Netflix? Yeah. Okay. Very historically accurate. This is like we've said, we're saying someone I know, but don't know anything about, no one from Bill and Ted's. Yeah. I don't know anything. And they probably didn't go into the background too much. No.

I've seen it but a long time ago. Yeah. Maybe a slightly cartoonish version of it. Yeah. Similar to their version of Napoleon. Right. And Abraham Lincoln and all the classics, Joan of Arc. Uh-huh.

But, um. I've got to see this movie. Yeah, I remember it being a lot of fun. I imagine it's even better than I remember it. As movies usually are. Yeah. But I don't know anything about him. No.

I'm wondering, is Kublai Khan a person? And if that is a person, are they related to Genghis Khan? Yes, that is the one that's in Marco Polo. That's his grandson Kubla or Kublai Khan. That is one of the great names. Incredible name. Kublai Khan. Well, I'm excited to learn about Genghis Khan.

Let's talk about Genghis Khan. I'm almost certainly slipping into Genghis as well. Yeah, absolutely. But you know who we're talking about, Pickle. All of them are great as well. Genghis is sick. Genghis is amazing. I like Genghis too.

Genghis is very cool. I like that too. Genghis is sick. Genghis is amazing. I like Genghis too. Genghis is very cool. Genghis is fun. It's all good stuff. It's like, yeah, that's why it's hard. Because I think if one of them was particularly cooler than the others, that's the one that we would have gone with. But they're all great options. Yeah.

Too many good options. Embarrassment of riches. We are so lucky, aren't we? Embarrassment of riches? Is that anything? Please, please, go on. Now, our story starts in a place known today as the Great Step, or simply the Steps. Embarrassment of riches, is that anything? Um, please, please, go on. Now, our story starts in a place known today as the Great Steppe, or simply the Steppes, a huge area of grasslands that runs 8000 kilometres or 5000 miles all the way from

modern-day Mongolia through to southern Russia to Hungary. So it's huge. Whoa. Unbelievable. 8000 Ks. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.

These days, the eastern Mongolian steian steps are home to the largest remaining intact temperate grasslands on Earth. Whoa. Quite nice. What does that mean? It's grassy. But old grass. Yeah. Old grass.

Unintropically grass. Right. So it's not like a drop in pitch at the MCG, which is quite new grass. They probably drop it in from Mongolia. Really? Yeah. Geez. That'd be cool. See that on Boxing Day.

That'd be cool. Whoa. Imagine if that the oldest grass in the world. Imagine. Imagine the tweak Warney could have got out of that. Yeah. Now, according to Wikipedia, which is a grass website, it's also a step history website. Is Wiki like one of the types of grass? Yeah, I think it's one of them. Yeah.

Dad, my dad always knows different types. Oh, that's so and so. He can like look at grass and know what it is. I'm like, God, you're a dad. What do you got? Cooch? Yeah, Cooch is one. Buffalo?

Buffalo. There's a blue, something blue. Oh, yeah. I think blue is good for anything. On Who Knew It, there's a question where people have to make up a species of animal or whatever. Blue is a great word to throw in there. And my dad, he doesn't do lawns, he does breeds of cattle. Very similar though, cattle eats the grass. And Benoit, he always talks about the Belgian blue.

Oh, beautiful Belgian blue. Lovely beast. Remember I thought you were just saying Highland coos with an accent? Yeah. I thought they were just cat, but that is what they're called. Yeah, but I think that is because of the accent, right? I think a lot of Scott-

But then it's spelled like C double O. A lot of Scott's writing is just like phonetically spelled with the Scottish accent. Cuse. Cuse. Sorry, you've gotten one sentence in. Man, I love that. You've talked about grass and we've just gone off on a back house.

The grass website, the step website, Wikipedia. Kicker U? Is that one? Yes, something like that. Shut up or I will kicker you. All right, here we go. Since the Paleolithic age, the step route has been the main overland route between Europe, Western Asia, Central Asia, East Asia, and then Southern Asia economically, politically

and culturally. I've seen a lot of history in this area. Large parts of the famous Silk Road went across the Eurasian steppe. As in the backshore Silk Road, not the one we covered, which was the dark web. The real one. We really should do the real one at some point. That's really fascinating. But I think it's a big, that could be blocked next year. Can I suggest you do it Dave? Yeah, I mean, I've already got the Wikipedia article loaded. It's been home to nomadic

empires and many large tribal confederations, including the Scythians, the Xiongnu, the Huns, famously led by Attila. And of course, what would become the Mongol Empire? Attila the Hunk. What a brute, but- Attila the Hunny. In the 1100s, there were multiple tribes across the vast steppe. There were Merkits, Tatars, Turks, Nymans and Mongols. There were just some of the dozens of different societies. And they all sort of butted up against each other.

These were equestrian nomadic people who lived in felt tents called Gurs or Yurtes and moved between summer and winter campsites, herding yaks, camels and sheep. A lot of big animals. Oh, they had a summer and a winter home. So good. That's living. That's living. Must be nice. Oh, we summer in the hill.

We summer in the yurt. Gorgeous. So lovely. That's a lifestyle I want to bring back. Yeah. I want my winter home and my summer home. You follow the weather. Makes sense.

It does make sense. I tell you that my, caught my mum saying that they were, I can't remember the context, but she basically said, can you, you can, we're staying in the summer bedroom at the moment. And I'm like, what? And it turns out they just like, cause to save on heating and cooling, they'll sleep in either their bedroom or one of the kids' old bedrooms in the different times of year. But it's so funny to refer to it as-

The summer bedroom. Not Tom's old room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But- It's the summer bedroom. What's the summer in? The summer wing. So it doesn't get as hot in that room for some reason, okay. Yeah, I guess the sun hits a different thing or whatever.

That's so funny. Yes, well, we're- Well, Matt, it's October, we're in the summer room. We're in the summer room. You won't find us in the winter wing. Why are you looking at the winter wing of the house if you're trying to find me? I'm in the summer wing, Matthew. Over here through the library. Use your head, my boy.

That's incredible. That's so funny. That's really good. Mom, what happened to you? Oh, really? I'm like, you know you were a primary school teacher. Yeah, yeah. You weren't the queen. Come on. What's going on?

I love that. So there's these groups of nomadic people. Female members of the groups held significant authority and managed the migration and trade. All right. Yes. Yes. And the men did a lot of the military stuff. Oh, who cares what the men are doing?

What have they got there and they kill stuff? Yeah. The women are like, off you go. Yeah, no, go hunt some stuff. Get them out of here for a bit. Get them tuckered out. Yeah. Go ahead and run around. Get the energy out women are like, off you go. Yeah, no, go hunt some stuff. Get them out of here for a bit. Get them tuckered out.

Yeah. Go ahead and run around. Get the energy out. They're a nightmare for them, they're under the air. He's gonna sleep well tonight. I genuinely said that about my husband recently. He was running around with a footy and I was like,

oh, he's gonna tuck himself out. Won't be bothering me tonight. Fantastic. Societies traveled on horses that they rode since practically before they could themselves walk, meaning they were amazing riders. They traveled far and wide on short and stocky horses. You've got to see these Mongolian horses. I bloody love them.

And the horses and people, you're going to look them up. You keep talking, we're both just busy. Mongolian horse. Yeah, they're like a few hands shorter they're a few hands shorter than like the average like race horse that you would see on like TV or something now. Bigger than a donkey, but like shorter legs than your classic horse.

Oh yeah. They look stocky. And they're perfect for the step area or these grassy areas. I love these. They're like, obviously they've developed over time to be perfect. As a beautiful horse. As a beautiful horse. And I'd feel more comfortable riding one of those because you're not quite as high off

the ground. Yeah, yeah. But they still feel strong. You know, I trust it could carry me comfortably. Yeah. And I don't have to feel self-conscious about that. But I'm not like six feet off the ground. Love that.

So they're short and stocky and the horses and the people must have been pretty tough, contending with weather as low as minus 40 in winter. No. And 30 degrees Celsius in summer. Okay. So that's not too, but if you think about- What a range. 70 degrees range, like, and the people, they live in tents.

Yeah, 30 degrees is- Which there is some protection, but it's not as much as, say, you know, a brick building or something. But the horses, they're outside all the time, so they're perfect for the conditions. They're tough. 30 is sort of my maximum these days. Yeah. 30 is enough for me. Minus 40 would be that's beyond my minimum.

OK. I'll be honest. Yeah. So that's 86 Fahrenheit. I know that people overseas would be like, what are you talking about? And minus 40? That's minus 40, baby. Whoa, is that where it connects? That's the one time it connects. Nice. I always forget what that number is. Good trivia fact.

These nomadic people were bordered on either side of the steppe by large city based societies in very, very, very simple terms. Southeast of the Mongolian era was China, which was divided into the Jin and Song dynasties. They had millions and millions of people, very advanced cities. And on the west was the Islamic world, areas of present-day Iran, Iraq, and parts of Syria and Turkey. And the nomads are in the middle. These nomads would from time to time cause trouble and raid parts of the settled societies. The reason China started to build the Great Wall many, many years ago was to protect themselves

from various nomadic groups from the Eurasian steppe. But usually because they were split into their different tribes, they weren't seen as too much of a threat. But every now and then, they'd unite and become an absolute force to be reckoned with and burst out of the steppe with ferocity. Whoa. And then often splinter again with infighting, which is what happened to the Huns after Attila died. A bit of a civil war goes on, then they split back into their own groups and they're not as powerful because they've got less soldiers and stuff. The Chinese would often play off one set of quote unquote barbarians against each other,

transferring their support and juggling their alliances as to prevent any one tribe from becoming too strong. Attila, did you hear what they said about you? They said you ride a horse like a fool. I didn't. I wasn't sure if I should even tell you. I would never use language like that normally, but I was just quoting what they said. I thought, yeah, I thought, oh, he he deserves to know. Yeah. If someone had said that about me, I'd want to know.

I want to know the truth. The people talking about they did call you Attila the punk. Yeah. Just saying. So sorry. I'm so sorry you had to hear that from me. You don't deserve it. I don't.

I think you look great. I think you look amazing. I think you actually look elegant. I wish I looked so cool riding a horse. You're great. But yeah, some of these others. Barbarians, not my word. Not my word. Not my words.

Not my words. Quite unquote. That's what they call themselves. That wasn't me. But yeah, they think you're a real stupid prick. Oh God, again, not my words. Not my words. I hate to say it like that, but.

Oh God, I hate being such a good friend and telling you the truth. That's a real way, actually, off my shoulders. Oh, I'm such a good friend. Oh my God. Wanted to tell you, for a long time, it worked. They knew if they united, they'd quickly become a fearsome enemy, so they played them off against each other. But they feared that someone would unite the tribes. And in about 1162, a boy was born on the steppe that would change human history. This boy, who would remain illiterate his whole life,

would against the odds become history's greatest conqueror, assembling what would become the largest contiguous empire in history. I am of course talking about... Temujin. Hahaha! He got us. You got us. Sorry, I didn't mean to speak for you there, man.

He did get me. Did he get you? He got me as well. Okay, he got us. I thought that was going to be Genghis. Genghis. Genghis. Well, what have't mean to speak for you there, man. He did get me. Did he get you? He got me as well. Okay, he got us. I thought that was going to be Genghis, Genghis, Genghis. Well, what have I told you? Khanharn.

That Temujin and Genghis Khan are the same person. Oh, he got us again! Sorry, again, I spoke for you there, man. He got me again. Did he get you again? He got me again! He got us again! He got me again.

Dave. Dave. Sorry, Dave. That's my last one. Dave, I have always trusted you with my life. A mistake, probably. Dave. Dave. Sorry. Dave. That's my last one. Dave, I have always trusted you with my life. A mistake, probably.

On many accounts. But I don't know if I can trust you anymore, you little trickster. What's going on? I really don't, didn't want to have to say this, but Jess has been calling you a prick behind your back. Hey. Hey. What?

I would want to know. Hey. I've been calling him a prick to his face. Okay. That's true. This is not news to know. Hey. I would want to know. I've been calling him a prick to his face. Okay. That's true. This is not news to me. Honestly. Honestly, it's actually way nicer than what you said to my face.

That's polite. Prick. I'd kill to be a prick. So Temujin would grow up to be given the title of Jengis Khan, which probably, it's not 100% known, probably means the equivalent of something like universal leader. Oh, it's a title, not a name. Yeah. And then from then on, like people after him, let's Kublai Khan.

Okay. Give me these actual name again, please. Temujin. Temujin. I like it. Temujin Perkins. That's nice. That is nice.

That's nice. I like that a lot. That's cute. Temujin Perkins. Temujin, dinner's ready. You know, fun stuff's nice. I like that a lot. That's cute. Temujin. Temujin. Dinner's ready. You know, fun stuff like that. Put it on the list.

Temujin. And for someone- For dogs. I'm saying this is a dog I'm talking about. Oh, that's the best dog name I've ever heard. German Shepherd called Temujin. That's very good stuff. Heal. And for someone who, like I said, would change human history, we don't know that much about

him. It's a bit of an Alexander the Great situation where there's lots of sources we have, but they're all written after he died. But the crazy thing is, unlike Alexander, this is less than a thousand years ago, so more stuff should be known, especially about someone so famous. He's one of history's greatest enigmas. We don't even know for certain what year he was born, possibly around 1162 or some say 1167. Okay, big difference. Big difference. You know, and it's kind of fun actually for us doing a podcast now that there isn't a lot known about, you know, about this person because we can make it up.

Yes, that works out so well for us. Isn't that so fun? I can confirm just so you feel better, the man is dead. Okay. He's not going to come for us. Great, great, perfect. I mean, if he was alive, I think I'd know who to ask about him. Yeah. And I wasn't going to make up-

Hey, what year were you born? He's like, it was ages ago. Ages ago? I don't know, man. I don't know. I wasn't going to make up slanderous stuff or anything. Like, I wasn't going to say anything that he'd be upset by. I was just going to make up like his favorite color and stuff like that. What do you think his favorite color is? Green. Oh, yeah.

That's a pretty good one. Like a lovely teal. Yeah. So like the green you've got on there, it's almost like a bluey, it's like a foresty but also a bit tealy. Yeah, okay. It's pretty good one. Like a lovely teal. Yeah. Whoa. So like the green you've got on there, it's almost like a bluey, it's like a foresty, but also a bit tealy. I reckon that's it.

Yeah. Okay. Most of what we know about him is recounted in what I think is such a badass title, The Secret History of the Mongols. Yeah, that's right. Which is such a badass title. It was written after Genghis died. It's the oldest surviving literary work in the Mongolian language. It

was written for the royal family as a sort of family history so they would know where they came from and it was supposed to be secret from the everyday people. For that reason, we've got to take it with a grain of salt, you know? It's like- I love salt. You want to talk about your family, you're probably not going to say too many bad things. Having said that, it's not fully universal in the praise of the Khan. It notes that he was afraid of dogs. We do know that.

OK. Now I have- Afraid of dogs. Less respect for him. Oh, you don't like people who are afraid of dogs. Like, a fear isn't something you can control. I was scared of dogs. So no, I can't hold you against that. That's fine.

Can't hold you against that. She said it wrong. Everybody, she said it wrong. Shut up. I notice. Oh, I up. Everybody, she said it wrong. Shut up. I noticed. Oh, I hate you. I say every phrase perfect. I've got an embarrassment of riches.

That seems like it's something. I think you're right. Yeah. I don't think I was set in the right context. God no. No. You rarely do. It also questions the possibility of his son son Yoki's illegitimacy.

Yoki. Yeah, I think that's, I think it's a Yoki. It's with a J. It's another fantastic name. It could be Joki. Oh, that's cute as shit. Joki's a bit Joki. I like it a lot.

Joki or Yoki, both good. Yeah. Yoki, great name for a chicken. Oh! This is my chicken, Yoki. Yoki. I like that. Yoki Ono. for a chicken. Oh, this is my chicken, Yoki. Yoki.

I like that. Yoki Ono. Just, just, no bad ideas. No bad ideas, and AJ will fix in the edit. I think anyone who thinks this is tedious, just remember, AJ edits out what is tedious, or that's what we ask him to do. Yeah, yeah.

So, if this is left in, this is good stuff. According to AJ, not to me. According to AJ, not to us. Sorry, that's the main main sort of source in some ways, but other parts of this part of history are backed up by Chinese and Islamic scholars who found themselves on the wrong side of the Khan. But because the sources are all written in differing languages, this has been another barrier to historians getting the full picture of the Khan. And so over time, it does still evolve. People go, oh, the Persians wrote this.

Oh, the Chinese wrote this. And then now it's all translated hopefully into similar language. We can know more and more about him. But for now, Temujin is just a harmless baby. Just a little boy. Or is he? Oh my God, Dave, you just keep this coming. I can't keep up. My heart is racing. The story goes that he was born clutching a blood clot the size of a knucklebone. Oh, I feel like that's somewhere deep in the back of my brain that maybe I'd hurt. That's disgusting. You know that? What?

Possibly indicating the bloodshed that his life would bring. So, you're doing a lot of that. Are we saying that either that didn't happen and that's been written after or they saw that and they went really, you know, they put that onto him. Yeah, they're projecting onto a newborn. They reckon? Or do you think? They handed it to him and said.

I reckon they've given it to him. Can you hold that? I reckon they've said we need, we actually need it. We need someone. You know how like babies will- This baby, we need him to lift. They have that reflex of just like- Yeah. Grabbing him onto something. So you can't of just like- Yeah. Grabbing on to stuff.

Put anything in his hand. So they could have, I mean, they should have put a basketball in there. Yes! You know? A golf ball. Yeah. It could have been like, imagine that Tiger Woods played when he was four. Imagine- Yeah.

Imagine getting a start from the big- Yeah. Yeah. And I don't do the months like some people do. Okay. You don't do months. This kid's five months old. This kid's zero till he's one. Yep.

Okay. All right. Yeah, zero. You're zero. Yeah. I'm not doing that. You're zero. You're nothing.

And all zeros, same. Yeah. You know, none of this one month, 11 months, don't give a shit. All zero. You're zero. Zero. Yep. Okay. I fully agree with that. Matt and I are back on the same path. Yeah.

Feels good. Feels good. Born clutching blood clot the size of a knuckle bone. Did anybody check on the mother? No, don't worry about it. She's all right. She's fine. Who cares?

He is also said to have been of divine origin. And now this is the bit where you're like, all right, they've written this later. His first ancestor having been a grey wolf, quote, born with a destiny from heaven on high. That is sick. Like, I love that so many of the historical people we come across would be like, they descended from Zeus or something, you know, equally nonsense. But this is awesome.

A wolf? Yeah. That's fucking sick. That's so good. If you're going to make it up, make it something sick like that. Zeus, oh God, who cares? Whatever. A wolf? I'm listening. Now I'm listening.

He was related to a turtle. It's a turtle boy. And that, yeah, that's he's got a hard outer shell. Yeah, it's Peter in the sewers. And if he falls on his back, he's in big trouble somebody help him up flip him over Please come on flip over my boy You there I won't do it Well someone get me a spatula someone get me a flipping stick Right now boy. I'm coming boy. I'm coming. I just need a stick someone pass me a spatula. Someone get me a flipping stick. Right now.

Boy I'm coming. Boy I'm coming I just need a stick. Someone pass me a stick or flip me over boy. I've just given birth for god sake give us a second. Come on. Look at him down there he's flopping. Wait he's trying to flop? He can't flop. He can't flip? He can't flop? He will die.

He will die. He will remember this we're trying to get him to come out of his shell okay. I'm making- He will die. He will die. He will die. He will remember this. We're trying to get him to come out of his shell, okay? I'm trying to make myself clear. He will die. Get me a stick. Get me a stick. So it's like that. That's how he was born.

That's a full picture. Secret of history for the Mongols. Got it. Now. Oh, this is an educational podcast. It all started great. He was born to aristocratic parents. That's good.

And he was born to aristocratic parents. That's good. And he was born to aristocratic parents. That's good. And he was born to aristocratic parents. That's good. And he Secret of history for the monogles. Got it. Now- Oh, this is an educational podcast. It all started great. He was born to aristocratic parents. That's good. And named after one of his father's defeated enemies to celebrate the victory. That's fun.

That's fun. So you beat that guy like, great, well, I'm going to name my son after you suck shit. Dave, do you think you'd take it as a big insult if I named a child after you? Isn't that funny? That's really flipped around. Yeah, yeah. That's like about as high of an honor you can give someone. What. Isn't that funny? That's really flipped around. Yeah, yeah. That's like about as high of an honor you can give someone. What a beautiful honor, yeah.

I defeated you in battle. So shit. Now I've named a child after you. This little fetus that's named after you, look how weak it is. Exactly. It's on his back in a coat gown. That's you.

Look at this zero year old. Zero. You're nothing. You're nothing, just like it. My pride and joy. I love you. I love and joy. I love you. I love you. I love you both.

So it started great. But then it all went wrong. According to worldhistory.org, his father was a tribal leader and he arranged for his son to marry Borte, which I was very disappointed to learn that's how people say it. It's spelled B-O-R-T-E and I thought her name was Borte. Yeah. And I was like, let's call her Borte. We're out of Bort license please.

Let's call her Bort. It's more fun. Okay, he's going to marry Bort, who's the daughter of another influential Mongol leader, and this is when they're kids. But are they going to let them get to the age of like 10 before they get married? Yeah, it's like in the future to shore up our tribes together. Your son, my daughter, great. The tribes, done.

To bring tribes together. Your son, my daughter. Great. The tribes. Done. But before this plan could come to fruition, Timogen's father was poisoned by a rival. Whoa. Timogen, depending on when you think he was born, was only nine, possibly 12 years old at the time. And so he could not maintain the loyalty of his father's followers. Oh. As a consequence. I'd be very loyal to a 12 year old. Yeah.

Do what I say. I know you got it You got it chief. I think but it was 14 15 then now absolutely not 12 12 There's still like they haven't become assholes. Yeah, you just buy them up with Pokemon cards Come around play some pong you're gonna poke with me? Let's Pog and Pong. Let's do Mario Kart. You'll switch your mind. Yeah. Hey, you got it.

You got our attention and you got our loyalty. Yeah. God, some people. Yeah. Geez. Not loyal to 12 year olds. But they're not loyal to him, but they also didn't respect him at all because as a consequence, Temujin and his mother and the other siblings were abandoned on the Asian steppe left to die.

The society were like, see you later. It is very fun to picture this as a huge steppe. It's like a stoop. Yeah, yeah. Like there's babies being left on the stoop. It's like the big steppe. What no one's saying is the steppe is to an orphanage, which is why it makes sense that a lot of babies have been left there.

Has there been a lot of babies? Well, a few. Yeah. He's there, I think he's got at least two siblings. So they're left to die. However, the Outcast family managed to forage and live off the land as best they could. Well, but I mean, he's got he's got wolf blood. Yeah, he can probably like hunt. He's a wolf boy.

He's a wolf boy. So he's kicked out of his tribe, starving with his family. It's all gone wrong very quickly. They're formally, they were, you know, their tribe's leaders wolf boy. He's a wolf boy. So he's kicked out of his tribe starving with his family It's all gone wrong very quickly that formerly that was you know, but their tribes leaders Yeah, Temujin was about nine and his older brother Who was a half brother? He's 14 Bekta so already an asshole 14. Yeah, exactly Well, he was hogging all the spoils and not sharing with Temujin or his younger brother Kazaa, okay, but also, have you like...

This is going to sound weird. I was about to say, have you spent much time with teenage boys? What I mean is I have a lot of cousins. Anyway, 14 year olds, have you seen how they can eat? It's incredible. They're growing. They're growing. I thought you were asking me and Dave if we have, I was like, where have I been then, Jess?

And I went to an all-girls school. Have you guys spent any time with teenage boys? Can you tell me about them? Oh my god, what are they like? I've never met one. What are they like? Teenage boys. Yeah, they'll eat a whole lot for breakfast.

Totally, teenagers in general, but teenage boys in particular can eat. What I, I've talked about this before on the pod I'm sure, but like my breaks. The food I ate when I was working at a supermarket as a teen, this is crazy. Now I'd feel sick for a month if I did it now. When did you get two litres of chocolate milk in a break? I did spiritless. Oh, OK.

No, it was chocolate. Chocolate, my bad. A chocolate Big M, two litre in a 15 minute break. Two litre. Even just the like the smaller box is like enough. You had a two litre bottle. Six packs of ice doughnuts. Fuck. Wow. Apple tea cakes, like a full cake. You just eat them like a biscuit.

Just like pick them up. You're showing us both hands. You're just moving it to your mouth. Why are you chatting with other people? It's like weird stuff. Yeah. Like also the kind of person that isn't going to get loyalty from the elders. No, because you're watching them eat a ton. You see a boy eat a full cake, like it's a biscuit, while drinking two litres of milk?

I'm not listening to this kid at all. This kid doesn't know anything about anything. This kid's a psychopath. This kid's going to be shitting himself in like 15 minutes. You wish you'd just keep watching him because he's about to shit himself. Lock the toilet and see what happens. So that's Bekta, the 14 year old half brother. I'm defending him because teenage boy. Hogan all the spoils.

So there's nine year old Temujin and his even younger brother Kazaa. Great name. Such a good name. They ganged up on their big brother Bekta and they killed him. Sorry? They murdered him. Sorry? They murdered him. What in the fuck? This is all of this is so biblical sounding.

Yeah. Like, I guess all these stories kind of are, but this, don't you reckon this sounds like it's straight out of Old Testament stuff? Yes, because I could have, like, I almost would have understood if they, like, beat him up a bit bit because when you're like play fighting with friends, you know, you don't actually want to hurt each other. When you're fighting with a sibling, you want to draw blood. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I know that sounds psychotic, but everybody with a sibling understands. But I don't, yeah, okay. I don't think I would have gone quite so far as to murder my brother, but occasionally he did eat all of the barbecue shapes and not leave me any. That's fucked. And I thought about it. Yeah, but he followed through.

Wow. The nine-year-old and possibly the younger. Killed a 14. That's insane. So, apparently it upset their mother who scolded them both. Do you reckon she was upset? She scolded them. Was it her son or was it the dad's son?

Because he's a half sibling, isn't he? I think it might be the dad's son, the dead dad's son. Okay. Yeah, that's a scolding. Otherwise, if it was her son, it probably would have been like grounding or something. She's doing one of those scolds of, oh boys. No, that wasn't very nice, was it? All right.

Now you apologize to your brother's corpse. You apologize right now. Okay. And then come in, we're having dinner. Yeah. And there's way more for us, because that dickhead's gone. Wash up and come in for dinner.

I can't say I'm out of you boys. You boys. You boys, boys will be boys. So it's kind of showing that, yeah, the length that he is willing to go to. It is a very violent society at the time. What is that? Is that fraticide or something? What's the of showing that, yeah, the length that he is willing to go to. It is a very violent society at the time. Is it? What is that? Is that fratricide or something? What's the word for that? Killing your brother?

Yeah. Because I saw that come up on something recently. I think it was on... You were Googling it? Was it on our the quiz thing that we do every day, Dave? A fratricide? Fratricide. Your brother really annoyed you and you Googled what it is? One that... I'm gonna kill it. I'm gonna.

What am I? Oh, I need a word for it. I need to put it in a words. So, um, yeah. Fratricide. He became head of the family after this, remembering he's probably under 10. Shit. But maybe 12.

Maybe 12. So we can excuse that. And things went from bad to worse when Temujin was kidnapped. What? Which was very common in this part of the world during this time. It was a real dog eat dog world. Not a lot of rules or laws governing the land. Jengis's father had actually kidnapped his mother.

Okay. A beautiful courtship. It happened a lot. Yeah. You said before he was afraid of dogs. Now you're saying it's dog eat dog world. Well, that's terrifying for someone to witness. But are there actual dogs? What's the dog deal? Well, that's terrifying for someone to witness. But are there actual dogs?

What's the dog deal? Well, if he came from a wolf. Yeah, he came from a wolf, where does he? So he's afraid of dogs. He's part wolf. That's true. It's a dog ate dog world. Yes.

What, I'm so confused, where, what? Well, can I just say that I'm a human and I'm terrified of humans. Oh. Oh. Probably the most dangerous animal of all. That's something that I've, yeah. Some of the worst people I know are humans. Yeah, that's just a thing I've been thinking about lately.

That, you know, humans. Yeah. Imagine maybe the world would be better off without them. Just something I've been thinking about. I love it when he thinks. Yeah, because you know... Some people say the most dangerous animals, sharks. Some people say it's a lion.

But yeah, I think humans if you think about it. I think mosquitoes actually are probably more dangerous than... He's got you there. She's got you there. I hadn't thought of that, but you're right, mosquitoes, the most dangerous animal of all. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it is good to think. Dave, I'm back over to you.

It's good to have a little think every now and then. I've always said. So he's already had quite the life. He's kicked out of the family, kicked out of the tribes. Murdered his brother, he's kidnapped. Kidnapped, murdered the brother. He was imprisoned in a camp with a wooden collar around his neck to prevent him from escaping.

But according to Britannica, one night when they were feasting, this is the other tribe that have captured him, Temujin, noticing that he was being ineptly guarded, knocked down the sentry with a blow from his wooden collar and fled. So he sort of just swung it at the guy. Wow. They searched all night for him and he was seen by one of the people who had captured Temujin but the man was so impressed by the fire in his eyes, he did not denounce Temujin but helped him escape at the risk of his own life. Bloody hell. Wow.

This man's name was Sorquan Shearer and later when Genghis was all powerful, he came back and found Sorquan Shearer and rewarded him and made him a general. Wow. Which is classic Genghis. He often rewarded those loyal to him and punished those who were not. I get that. Another time in his youth. Never cross me, you two.

I never would. I've seen what you do. Another time in his youth, Temujin was looking for some stolen horses. He met another boy called Bo-Ochu, having a real stab at that name, Bo-Ochu, who helped him get back the horses. Bo-Ochu refused the reward, but left his own family to follow Temujin to become his first Nokor, which means free companion, and to sort of followed him around as like, you're my leader now.

Just showing that even as a kid, he must have been pretty charismatic. Wow. Like you. Leadership material. That's right, school captain 2002. And look at me now. I was school captain and blue team captain, so go fuck yourself.

Were you school captain? I thought you were a drama captain. 2002? Yeah. So primary school? Yeah. Yeah, I was school captain and- Oh no, it's high school that they didn't have

school captains, is that right? No, we had school captains. I no, it's high school that they didn't have school captains, is that right? No, we had school captains. I thought there's some loophole that you go. No, I've just always been a natural leader. Look at us now. Dave, why are you trying to bring Jess down? Yeah, he doesn't like women in leadership positions. He's like, he would prefer to say that role never existed.

Yeah, yeah, it's why he doesn't like, he won't let me be CEO. Yeah. Even though that, like, it's why he doesn't like, he won't let me be CEO. Yeah. Even though that like it's the three of us, I'm secretary. Yeah, I know. Yeah. And not like secretary of state, sort of like halffalutin secretary, like literal. Like, keep minutes. You're on the phone.

Yeah. I actually thought your contracts are junior, so. Well, you don't have contracts. Should we have contracts? Yeah, we should get into that. Oh my God. We should get into that. We should't have contracts. Should we have contracts? Yeah, we should get into that. Oh, my God. We should get into that. We should get into contracts.

We should get into contract law. Let's all quit and do something else. Oh, my God. Should we? Should we start a company that does contracts? Yes! I think we'd be really good at it. I mean, do contract on.

That's fun stuff. Do you need a contract? I think this show just becomes an ad for our contract business. It still goes for two hours every week. Around this time, Temujin developed a close friendship with a guy called Jamukha, or Yamukha, another boy of aristocratic descent. The Secret History notes that they exchanged knuckle bones and arrows as gifts and swore the underpact, which is the traditional oath of Mongol blood brothers.

Wow. When they were just 11. Are we not their own knuckles or are they exchanging their own knuckles or? I don't, it must not be. Yeah. Because that would be crazy. Knuckles of people they've slain or something. Yeah.

It's just a collectible. Hey, this is my brother that I killed. It's a knuckle burn. Now free from captivity, when he was 15, Tamajin was able to marry the girl his father had betrothed to him all those years earlier. Bort! I love you Bort. I love you Bort. Ah, this is my wife, Bort.

So he married her. I mean, it's, that's kind of appropriate, right? Bort. Ah, this is my wife, Bort. So he married her. I mean, that's kind of appropriate, right? Bort. I married at 15. I've got 10. So 15 is pretty good. It is pretty good.

But Bort was soon kidnapped by the Mercats. In retaliation for Janus's father who had abducted his mother years earlier from the Mercats. Okay. And he's a bit like, well, I didn't want that either. She's my mum. Yeah. And now you're taking my wife.

Fucking hell. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck off. Two wrongs don't make a right, guys. Yeah. Two kidnappings don't make a right. Yeah.

Meerkats. Whatever your name was. Oh, Mercons. Sorry, I was like, who? Meerkats. Ah, Meerkats. But I'm also thinking Mercons. Mercons, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, iterkats. But I'm also thinking Merkin. Merkin, yeah. Yeah, it's not it's unfortunate.

I'm picturing meerkats with Merkins. We should make a children's book. M, meerkats with Merkins. You like it. We are having so many good business ideas today. Yes, we are. Should we just be a business podcast? Yeah. Yes!

Let's just be a business generator. They do really well on TikTok. Oh, great. Do they? business podcast? Yeah. Let's just be a business generator. They do really well on TikTok. Oh great. Do they? Business podcast? Yeah. Do they? Hi TikTok, it's me, Dave. We should give out like finance advice. Yeah. And tell people about how to hustle. Yes. Get up early.

Yep. I work 16 hours before 6am. Before breakfast. And then I start my second day of the day. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I get four hours then I start my second day of the day. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I get four hours of sleep. My second day of the day. And I'm on heaps of steroids. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. That's living. Yes. He's the thing. And I spend most of my time inspiring as well. I know we've derailed a lot today. I can imagine you're not even like, you're like a quarter of the way through. Ah. even no actually it's probably about 25% we're gonna do so a quarter

That was a weird believable man's plane over there. No, I was trying to agree with you, but I just uh misspoke Please please continue with your dear Ellen But you know when I think of a like a I think Billy Connelly said something along these lines of like, you know when I think of a like a, I think Billy Connolly said something along these lines of like, you know, people saying you should switch to like a whole grain bread instead of white bread because, you know, it'll, it'll add years to your life. And he's like, yeah, but at the end of my life, like I don't give a shit. So sometimes when I get like TikToks that are just like, do this, this and this and cut out sugar and never have this and, you know, cause it'll add to your life.

And I'm like, yeah, but at the end, I don't care. I'd rather have, I'd rather have a really good time for a shorter amount of time. Know what I mean? Whoa. I agree with that too. Yeah. And that's why we have cocaine for lunch.

Which is every day. We go every day Friday. So every day, because we wanted to have a fun, like free dress kind of vibe. That's why Jess is able to work 16 hours before breakfast because our one day is seven days. She's actually quite lazy. Breakfast is like four days. Yeah. Dave, do you want to go on?

Yeah. So his wife bought has just been kidnapped by the Merkins. Or Merkins. To get his wife back, Temujin appeals to Togrul, who ruled another tribe, and also his childhood friend slash blood brother, Jemmica, who had by this point also become chief of his own tribe. So he reaches out to two powerful friends,

says, hey, I need help getting my wife back. Okay. Both chiefs were willing to field armies of 20,000 warriors. Jeez. It's pretty good, is it? Well, I'll lend you 20,000 men, no worries. And with Jameka in command, the battle was easily won and Temujin's wife, Bort, was rescued. How much effort are you two going to if I'm kidnapped? I don't think I can do 20,000 soldiers. 20,000 dollars?

We don't know 20,000 people. It's true. Let alone 20,000 soldiers. We'd have to get like, we'd have to get on the pod and say, hey, everyone, Jess has been kidnapped. Yeah. We need a bunch of you to like, be soldiers. They wouldn't do anything? I reckon they would.

Do you reckon? We got a few. We got a lot of psychos at this. Oh, you want me to fight a war? I'm in! Get me in! Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Well, good to know. Yeah, we'll do that for you. For sure, for sure. We could assemble an army. You'd- so sorry, you're just saying I'm kidnapped and you're doing the podcast, is what you're saying. Yeah. What, to save you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, we'd still tell a story from history. Of course. Gotta give the people what they want. Still come up with a business idea. We'll still, you know, sit back and research a topic for a week before recording the episode where we try and save it, which might not come out for a month, depending on where we are on the cycle. Yeah, if we're in a bit of a buffer.

We wouldn't bump it forward to get the message out. No, you wouldn't record a pre-roll or anything to go on previous episodes. Yeah, hey Jess. Oh, if you listen to this. We really should save. We know you've been kidnapped. And if anyone else is hearing this, she's probably fine by now because it's been four weeks. By the time you're hearing this, we assume.

And we, yeah, we don't want to, I don't think we should waste pre-rolls on things that aren't letting people know about tours. Yeah, that's true, actually. Because I'll, we, it's, you know, if people start skipping over it because we were using and abusing that space for- Then that's a bad business decision. Just, oh, Jess is missing. Yeah.

Oh, I forgot the milk today. Yeah. You know, that sort of stuff. Yeah, no, I didn't know what you meant. Yeah, it's fair enough. Things that equivalently don't mean much. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just going to have a little time out then on the mic and Dave, please sort of stuff. Yeah, no, I don't know what you mean. Yeah, it's fair enough. Things that equivalently don't mean much. Yeah, well, I'm just gonna have a little time out there on the mic and Dave, please do go on.

Honestly, forgetting the milk, you know, that is- That can ruin your day. That can ruin a day. Just going missing, that could put a dent in the day. Yeah. True. If it's a Thursday where we have to record. Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, great. Oh, great. And we're gonna get a last minute guest

instead of having some- Hopefully Mesa's free. Yeah. So Bort was rescued. Great. Must be nice for Bort. She was pregnant when she returned and soon gave birth to a son named Yoki, who I mentioned at the start, although Temujin raised him as his own, questions over his true paternity followed. Okay.

And they continue throughout his whole life. In total, Temujin and Bort had four sons and five daughters together. So many kids. So many kids. How many kids is that? Nine. That's too many kids. Do you want to as a percentage? Do you know, I'm so sorry about that. Do you know, do you know about the time frame?

Like, it's a bit blurry. I think he was, the wife B bought was away for quite a while. Like nine-ish months or- Yeah, came back. So it was- I think it was a bit like, oh. Away for seven months? Maybe. Away for ten months? Getting unlikely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I know science, and I do. Well, she was like kidnapped from the wedding.

Yeah. And then came back pregnant. You'd be like, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Thank you, beautiful boy. Lovely boy. The followers of Temujin and his blood brother, Jemmica, camped together for a year and a half during which their leaders reforged their underpact and slept together under one blanket, according to the secret history. That's how close they were. Okay. They shared a blanket. Sure. I hope it's a big blanket because that would be really annoying.

We would never share a blanket. What? Nah. You can go fuck yourself. Well it was really big. How big? The size of two beds. Yeah, okay, we can share.

But don't hog. I never. I never would. But all good things must come to an end, including the beautiful blanket sharing friendship between two blood brothers, Temujin and Jemmica, who had a falling out possibly over a cryptic remark made by Jemmica on the subject of where they should camp. We don't know, but Temujin split and started gathering his own following." So, it's probably some sort of offhand comment that broke up this friendship. And this is one of the things that's like, wow, this changed the

world. The Secret History writes that heaven and earth had agreed that Temujin should be lord of the empire, which is very much a thing you write in hindsight. There was a power struggle and Temujin actually lost a battle with Jamukha. And there's a few lost years when Temujin may have disappeared over to China for a while. Not 100% sure what he was doing over there, but he came back and started gathering more followers. His frenemy, Jamukha, was particularly brutal, allegedly boiling 70 prisoners alive. Eww.

Don't like that. Also humiliating the corpses of leaders who had opposed him. No detail of what that is if it's like, you're so stupid, you're a stupid corpse. He's putting them in really unflattering outfits. Just not good for their coloring, their body shapes. It's all a bit small or too big. It looks terrible in orange. Oh, that would be so humiliating. What a prick.

And his now opponent, Temujin, proved to be a great leader, both militarily and as unifying force. He took down his enemies one by one and with a mix of diplomacy, generosity and his own brutality, let's be honest, to those that defied him. According to worldhistory.org, he managed to unify most of the different nomadic tribes which roamed the grasslands of Central Asia, each one composed of different but related clans by creating a web of alliances between them. So it's pretty good at getting people to agree to follow him.

And this has all come about because he had to start, he had to fetch his wife. Is that kind of right? Well, that's part of the reason. He had to pick up his wife. He had to pick up his wife. Yeah. And that got the army thing going. People were like, well, you're really good at this.

Yeah. Maybe you should be a leader. And then he split with his mate and started getting his own army. And people were like, we like you better than him. So he started stealing followers. And eventually, you know, there was one final showdown between Temujin and his old friend, Jemmica, who faced off in what is called the Battle of the 13 Sides. Temujin won the battle and Jemmica was betrayed and captured by his own men who submitted him to Temujin won the battle and Jamukha was betrayed and captured by his own men who

submitted him to Temujin and due to laws which Temujin came up with, one of which is never betray your Khan, he had the men who handed over Jamukha immediately executed. Oh my god. He's like, I can't trust, he couldn't trust you, so how can I? Yeah. You're out. And they're a bit like, we've made a horrible choice. Wow. Jamukha, however, was given a choice to live and join Temujin, but he instead requested to die at his blood brother's hands.

He's like, I don't I don't want to submit to you and make you the supreme leader. I'd rather die. Wow. Yeah, I'd submit. Yeah, me too. I'd be like, yeah, man, I'm good. Yeah. Am I cool to go out the back here or? Can I just hang at HQ?

Yeah. I'll just be at the yurt. Where do you need me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mongols didn't believe in spilling blood of royalty or nobility, and thus Jemmica was executed, quote, without spilling any blood. Often they'd seal them up in a box where they'd suffocate or throw them in a river in a sack or something like that.

Have them rolled up in a carpet and trampled by horses. Awful stuff. But no blood. But no blood. Yeah, yeah, I think getting trampled by horses is pretty bloodless. Bloodless, yeah. That's nice. The carpet soaks it all up. It's a lovely carpet.

We didn't spill any blood. No. We got a very absorbent rug. We didn't see any blood. It's all up in the carpet. Yeah. With his enemies vanquished and now the sole remaining leader of the steppe, a large assembly called a Kural Tai was held in 1206 and it was at this place that Temujin adopted the

formal title of Jengis Khan. He was declared the ruler of all those who dwelled and felt tense. The nomads of this world, they all lived in these similar tents, so he was like, I'm in charge of everyone here now. And everyone's like, yay. Being an all-powerful ruler of a million people, the great Khan put into action social reforms and ensured unconditional loyalty to him. He knew he needed a structure if he was to hold an empire together and prevent it from fracturing as it always had in the past. According to Wiki, to break any concept of tribal loyalty, Mongol society was reorganized into a military decimal system.

Each man between the age of 15 and 70 was conscripted into a minkad, which is unit of a thousand soldiers, which was further divided into units of hundreds and then tens. The warriors of defeated tribes were dispersed to different units to make it difficult for them to ever rebel as a single body. So you go over there, you go over there, you go over there, so you can't ever come together and rise up. You're now just one of a thousand. Wow. Very smart. Yeah.

This was intended to ensure the disappearance of old tribal identities, replacing them with the loyalty to the great Mongol state. It is funny, like if you today in today's, if that was happening here, you'd be like, oh, that's fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to get rid of like races and. Yeah. But this guy, genius.

Very clever. One of his other social reforms was his belief in meritocracy, rewarding people based on their skills and loyalty, not just their birthright. He did definitely give his children positions of power, but he also rewarded and respected those with loyalty, skills and intelligence that he could use. The Khan's ministers and commanders came from some 20 different nations. The most famous example comes from the aftermath of the Battle of the Thirteen Sides that I just mentioned earlier.

During the battle, Jengis himself had his horse shot out from underneath him by an arrow. And after the battle- Shot at? Shot out. Yeah, I heard shot out. I was thinking a cannon. That was, I was like, this has been boring so far. But this is about to get exciting. Now we're getting into his cannon shooting horse phase. That was in, he was riding the horse and then it got shot and he was like, he was thrown

off the horse. Wow. Or possibly he was shot himself with the arrow, but it would be embarrassing for him to admit that. So he said, I got, my horse got shot. And after the battle was won, he asked his foes, who was it? Who was the man that shot me with the arrow? And a man stepped forward and said, I did it.

And Genghis admired the bravery of such a person. Then the man said, if Genghis spared him, he would pledge his life to serve the great Khan. Genghis accepted and gave the man the title or name of Jebe, which means arrow. Oh, okay. That's pretty cool. Jebe rose to the ranks to become one of Genghis's greatest and most loyal military generals. He's been described as the greatest cavalry general in history for his unorthodox and daring manoeuvres.

Wow. Yeah. So he just, so he kind of- He came up with the figure eight. He's the first guy on horseback to do the figure eight in battle. And people are going like, where's he going? This is so unpredictable. He's on the loop-de-loop. No, he's turned around. He's gone back guy on horseback to do the figure eight in battle and people gonna where's he going? It's so unpredictable on the loop to loop. Yeah, he's turned around. He's gone back

Yeah, never got defeated amazing Yeah, yeah, he's an soldier like why is he coming back here? Yeah, no one knew what is gonna do next No, it's all part of a paid any attention. It was the same thing Did the flying V as well? He was, yeah, he triple D'd as well. Solo flying V? Yeah. Oh my God, he's coming at me in a V formation. How is he doing it?

Mighty Ducks was actually based on his life. They changed a lot of things through the pre-production process. Yeah, Hollywood rewrites. Yeah, yeah. It went from a guy on a horse back in the 1200s to underprivileged kids playing ice hockey with Mr. Bombay, who was sentenced by a judge to coach a Little League hockey team. So yeah, I mean, you can see now that I've said it, you can probably see. Yeah, but the original writer still accepted the Oscar nomination for best screenplay.

Yes, best adapted screenplay from the book. None of the thing that he wrote made it. Yeah, yeah. Made it to the big screen. No, none of it made it. He was at the premiere going, where are the horses? Sidney Schomburg got involved. We need a hockey team.

We got a hit. Give me a hockey team. We got a hit. Give me a hockey team. You got a hit. Another innovation was the development of a postal system where horse riding couriers could quickly carry messages across long distances and who were provided with regular stations for food, rest and a change of horse. I think it's like every 30 miles or so that have another post and like it would just be delivered in a series of these 30 mile increments. Basically inventing the postal system,

this turned out to be hugely beneficial during military campaigns across the vast steppe which became so big and apparently this is like revolutionary but like it would still take like a month to get a letter from one side all the way to the other even though that would someone someone ride 30 miles deliver it a new person 30 miles just constantly 24 7, but it would just take so long because that's how big the empire became. And you said before, the largest contingent? Contiguous? Or does that mean like one continent?

Yeah, it's all in one. Like with the British Empire, it might have been bigger, but. British Empire pips it because it's like across multiple continents and countries. Yeah. But if it wasn't for the Brits, it'd be the biggest ever. Wow. That's wild. It's huge. Yeah. The Mongols were shamanistic themselves, believing that the spirits of nature and their

ancestors inhabited the world around them. They believed in the god Tengri, the blue sky or eternal heaven. And this protector god was thought to have given the Mongols their right to rule the entire world. But having said that, Genghis Khan is famous for allowing religious freedoms in his empire, which was to grow so large, it encompassed many religions. He was like, as long as you're loyal to me and pray for me, then you can believe whatever you like. Yeah, I think that's good.

Yeah, that's nice. Pray to what? Yeah, you pray to all the gods, all your gods. Yeah, yeah. For me. For me. On my behalf. That's great. That's cool. Hedging my bets. It totally is. So British historian David Morgan wrote, the Mongols believed in taking out as much celestial insurance as possible.

I might be, you know, barking up the wrong tree here. David Morgan wrote, the Mongols believed in taking out as much celestial insurance as possible. Clever. I might be, you know, barking up the wrong tree here, but if you're, you know, possibly going out the right one, if you're sort of getting a good word in for me with the real God, I appreciate that. Yeah. So as long as you're praying for me, we're all good. I like that. Let me ask that all religious people pray for the pod.

Of course. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. religious people pray for the pod. Of course. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Pray on behalf of the pod. Yeah. And for the pod. Yep. And to the pod.

To the pod. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. To God about our pod. He also instituted a list of laws called the Yasa that governed both society and battle, and the punishment for going against the Yasa was often death. So people were held to account. Yeah.

Mostly out of fear. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, but yeah, but still, you know, they were held to account. One of the elements that made the Mongols so effective was their military, which was like the best. They were unstoppable. Initially it was based around horse mounted archers. However, as the army went, they would recruit new people from different backgrounds and be like, Greg, you're fighting with us now.

We love what you do. Oh, cool. So you can't ride a horse, but you can ride a dolphin. We can use that. Awesome. We need a navy. Yeah, that's the navy now. Dolphin navy.

Pretty cool. That will, like, how do you beat it? You can't beat a dolphin. You can't beat a dolphin. Shark. Shark army. Oh my God. Mosquito army. Yes Shark. Shark army. Oh my God. Mosquito army.

Yes. With mosquito army. You can't ride a horse, but you can ride a mosquito. That's way more impressive. If you could train like a thousand mosquitoes to all get together and fly around. Has anyone tried that? Do you reckon a thousand would be enough? I don't think that's enough.

And I don't think they can, like, because ants can carry what, like, some insane. Like a hundred times their body weight or something. Yeah, I don't think mozzies can do that. So how many do you reckon, what do we need? A billion. Yeah. For one person? Yeah.

Mozzie's a very small Dave. I'm also quite small. Sure. Okay. Oh yeah, sorry, I thought you meant a person. A regular person. A regular person. A billion for an average person, a thousand for a Dave.

Yeah, a thousand for a Dave or children. That's quite a difference. I am one thousandth of most people. No, it's even more than that. I'm one millionth. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether it's your first ever website or your business is expanding, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website

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about. The three of us, the most bespoke types in town, digital identity, a bespoke one, a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence. Yeah, but let's not just talk about the online presence. Let's talk cold hard cash. Okay. Okay. And Squarespace payments is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. Can I quickly just insert a sound effect there? Cha-ching. Yes. It's very fast and easy to set up.

You can get started in just a few clicks and start receiving payments straight away. We love it. And listen up if you want to have a little saving your way too, because head to squarespace.com slash do go because head to Squarespace.com Slash do go on that Squarespace.com slash to go on for a free trial and To save 10% of your first purchase of a website or domain But it all started on horseback the Mongols like I said earlier with their incredible horse riders They're doing it since they were born both being taught to ride by the women of the society He also themselves are incredible riders. Everyone's a great rider.

They're awesome. So cool. The horses they rode were tough and perfectly suited to traveling the steppe. Those little chunky guys we saw before. And the riders were pretty badass themselves and they could ride all day long and cover vast distances, which surprised and shocked their enemies. They moved away faster than any other army. Because most armies have like a supply train that has to go with them.

Right. The Mongols, they're able to travel and live off the land. So they don't have to wait for anyone. They could all just travel as fast as a horse. That's pretty fast. So it's way faster than anyone else in the society at the time. And each rider had up to 16 spare horses or remounts with them. What? So they could swap horses all day long.

You'd have a, you'd fang it on one horse for a few hours and then you'd have your backup horse. But the, each rider had 16 backup horses. Up to 16 horses, yeah. But then the horse that you've just, like, just got off, cause you're like, well, this one's fanged it as hard as it can. It's still with you.

So it still has to keep running. So it's a bit tired, but it's not been traveling with like, you know, a hundred kilo man. It's back of the pack. And all the packs and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. That's insane. And also- Do you not find like, here's my one horse and that's my 16 spare horses.

It's crazy, isn't it? And then often they'd get to a battle and they'd ride out with one horse. And then they'd come back and be like, hey, you're up. And then get on a fresh horse. And then and their enemies, they've only got one horse. They're like fucking Jay Leno with all these cars. He's got like an airplane hangar. Thank you. Filled with cars.

They're just like, all right, well, what horse am I going to take today? That's crazy. It's my everyday horse. And that's my weekend horse. Sometimes in the army that have like, you right, well, what horse am I going to take today? That's crazy. That's my everyday horse. And that's my weekend horse. So imagine the army that have like, you know, 80,000 guys, imagine they all had 16 horses. How many horses? That's too many horses. Just so why not, why not just have also spare soldiers for all of them, right? So, so that's how I'd do it.

So 15 of us chilling. Yeah. One out the front, fighting the good fight. Yeah. And we just, let us know, you look, you're doing great. Yeah. Give us a wave. Give us a wave when you need us. Yeah, when you need a sub.

Yeah. Well, it might need to be a shake because some of us are nodding off, but. Yeah. Um, we'll try. I'm having a nap over here. Yeah, but I mean, the way these thick horses get about rocking me to sleep. That's actually, that's broken my brain a little bit, the 16 backup horses. Yeah, how do you wrangle them?

If they all had 16, no, apparently they were so well-trained, the horses that they would follow them like dogs. Oh, okay. Well, speak for your own dog. My dog's so, okay. They were all well-trained, like a well-trained dog. Okay, thank you. Which he is afraid of.

Oh yeah, just walks alongside you. Yeah, just follows you, sure. Yeah, thank you. Which he is afraid of. Oh yeah, just walks alongside you. Yeah. Just follows you. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't get distracted by a smell. Doesn't go, I want to live with them now. What the fuck?

Yeah. Doesn't go, that person has treats. I've looked after you for five years. Bye. Just runs off and disappears. Yours doesn't go, I'm a bit warm. I might just jump in that river for a bit, even though I can't get out of the river because I've got small legs.

Does your dog do a lot of sniffing or have you given it a sniff limit? Because I know some people do that with dogs. Is that episode of Who Knew It coming out by this time? I think so. That's a classic Dave Warnocky tweet from 2015. A good year for Dave Warnocky. 2015. I think that'll be episode 111.

She talked about on Who Knew It with Matt Stewart with Jess Perkins, Zachary Rowane, Miss Witchwood. Lot of fun. But yeah, you got to limit the sniffs. You got to limit the sniffs. You can't get anywhere. You could just blow sniffing. So, all right, you got one more after this.

One more sniff and that's it. So don't waste it. Yeah, enjoy it. My wife's got a family friend who heard it in a radio interview once and that like still talks about it that dogs need a certain amount of sniffs per day or they could get depressed. Oh my god. Whoa. And I can't remember how many it is, but that's so funny that I'm back in the day, I'm putting

a sniff limit down. But whoa, whoa, whoa. We need to raise the sniff limit. Yeah, we need to increase the sniff ceiling. I think of it like it's his social media. Oh, okay. Like it's how he's kind of like seeing what's happening in the neighborhood, seeing who's been at this tree.

Oh, right. You know? So I'm like, all right, fair enough. I have already had a bit of a scroll on social media this morning. You can have your social media. I've had it referred to as a We-mail. Oh, that's good stuff. Better fun.

That's good stuff. Better fun. But now I'm concerned I'm rushing him too much because usually we're walking to get coffee and you know what I'm like when I Haven't had my coffee. Oh my god Exactly, and and so I'm like, all right, let's go. Let's wrap this up. Am I making my dog depressed? Probably. Oh According to this radio interview According to this radio interview that they've heard about third hand

Very funny So they're great horse riders. They've got heaps of horses. Very obedient horses that follow them all the time. Great, lovely horses. They're also incredible archers. Again, training from a young age to fire large and powerful compound bows. They could shoot far and wide.

They could fire up to 12 arrows a minute. What? Which is what? Every five seconds. Yeah, you say it like, so you're sort of doing it like Hawkeye. But apparently I've seen TikToks or whatever saying that from real archers, they're like, that's not possible. There's something he's doing wrong or something.

And then other archers in the comments, of course, I don't know if you've been on TikTok say actually, no, I think what he's doing, if you are using the, the swift and old European technique, then that is totally legitimate or whatever. And how do those people feel about the Hulk and Thor, the God of Thunder and Captain America, who was injected with a serum and now can't die or something? Oh, you wouldn't be that shade of green. I think I would be a darker shade for anything. I know they say, well, my speciality is archery. I'd old step aside and let the scientists take over this. But I do have some doubts about. Like I understand.

Like, OK, watching a movie recently that was set in Sydney and they leave to go pick up flowers for the wedding and they've gone back into the city to pick up flowers and we're like, why are they going into the city to buy flowers when they're clearly staying out in Bronte? Like that's one thing, cause that was, it's unnecessary. There's no florists nearby, ridiculous. Yeah, like that's a fair enough criticism.

No, but it's a movie that's like not fantasy. Do you know what I mean? But when you're watching the Avengers going like this. Oh, you do genuinely think what you said was no worth saying out there Was it worth making that 12 minute video about If you see here, I'm just gonna Google Maps. There was at least four florists within one kilometer of them in Bronte So these are the real art these are the real, they're all hawkeyes on horseback. And we have no problems with hawkeyes. We have no issue with that.

Oh great, great, great, good. We think 12. I thought I'd said something wrong because I haven't seen any of those movies. No, we're saying 12 a minute is fine and normal. Right, and they were such good archers they could shoot a bird out of the sky. They're incredible. They're trained to also time their arrow shots to be taken in the brief second whilst their galloping horses hoofs were all off the ground.

Wow. Like in like timer. Isn't that amazing? Unbelievable. That's like that, that still blows my mind that they figured out how to, like in Second World War, I guess, make the gun shoot between the propellers. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What?

Yes. But that's a machine. These are humans. Yeah. But still, I still can't believe it. Behaving like machines. Yeah, that gun thing is so wild. Yeah.

Wild. And the soldiers were crazy loyal, mostly because of the laws I mentioned before. They had no option, might be. Yes, the strict code that governed them to work together with their unit. If one person from a unit retreated early, all 10 were executed. If one Mongol. Oh. Yeah, so it's like. If you don't own up, we all stay in at lunch.

All right. Who threw that? Who threw that? Except it's if you don't own up, we're all dead. Yeah, we're all dead. I'll kill all of you. And if you do own up, well, I know who it is, so you're all dead. That's true. Oh, and if you dob someone in, I don't trust you, you're dead.

Yeah, we're all dead. So, would it be fair to say that it was a pretty stressful time to live? I reckon- I was wondering, because sometimes you go, Geeze, a pretty brutal leader, but got everything going. Were things good? Was it a good place to live? But maybe not.

Yeah, I mean, well, they won a lot of battles and got a lot of loot. Yeah. What's the happiness scale? Did they do those sort of happiness scales back then? Yeah, they had the happiest city in the world. Yeah, really? Whoa. Wow.

And they didn't even live in cities. Yeah. That's not bad. Maybe that's the key. Nomad, vagabond. Don't live in a city. Don't live in a city. God, a city will just drain you.

If one Mongol was captured and the rest of the unit didn't attempt to rescue him, all executed. If one Mongol goes into battle harder than the others and the rest don't follow. Harder? Yeah, so it's like you're fighting if one goes, you know, in... Fully erect. Yeah, and you all have to be... One in all in.

Yeah. Okay? Oh man. Painful. You don't want to be a stage fright guy, do you? Yeah, yeah. I really have to have more of an emotional connection. So wait, is the person who goes in harder than everyone else, are they punished or is everyone else punished? Everyone else, head cut off. Oh, jeez.

Because it's like, hey, you should, he's brave. Why wasn't everyone else brave? You should follow them. So it means that whoever the bravest, everyone has to live to admit. They're always pushing. I guess if you think I'm guaranteed to be killed if I don't step up here. Yeah, you may as well. I may as well have a go, a go because I'm not guaranteed to be killed by the enemy.

Not a bad system. Not a bad system. I'd be dead so fast. You'd be rolling off that hill not guaranteed to be killed by the enemy. Not a bad system. Not a bad system. I'd be dead so fast. You'd be rolling up that hill. I'd be rolling up that hill. I'd be like my horse, I'd be riding that the opposite direction. I'm good. Sorry, the horse is doing it.

You're 16 horses. My 16 horses and I would go off. You couldn't quietly retreat it. I know. You got a herd coming with you. That's a great thing. Like if you lost a few men, what happens to their 15 spare horses? They just keep following because they're very loyal apparently. Definitely don't go in the river. That's a great thing. Like, if you lost a few men, what happens to their 15 spare horses?

They just keep following because they're very loyal, apparently. Definitely don't go in the river. They all get put in a box as well. They don't believe in spilling horse blood. Well, actually they did because they made an alcoholic drink out of horse milk. Sorry? Which is pretty... That's how they'd survive off and off the land.

There's nothing to eat. They just have horse milk. They milk the horses, they have that. But they'd also cut the horses, drain a bit of their blood, mix it with the milk. Now you've got an iron rich supplement. Oh, it's a cocktail. Yeah. So they did bleed their horses to survive. Do you watch After Party? I feel like maybe they-

Do you watch After Party? I feel like maybe they, that, um. What's that? Uh, it was a, uh, like a murder mystery show, comedy murder mystery. But anyway, I think in the second season, I think they brought that alcoholic horse milk to drink at the wedding. Oh, wow. I might be making that up and he spewed it all up. Of course. Funny stuff.

Funny stuff. I did like the show. I'm, yeah. Love a murder mystery comedy. Funny stuff. I did like the show. I'm a bit, yeah. Love a murder mystery comedy. Me too. And I started getting horror comedies as well. I watched- Absolutely not. Totally, what was it called? It was like a time travel.

It was sort of like back to the future and a slasher. Well, not really a slasher, but you know, like a guy in a mask killing people. I don't really know horror terms, but that was fun. Okay. I've just, I've just looked at the after party and that is an all star cast. Yeah. You haven't seen it? I think you'd really enjoy it.

I'll give that a watch. Two seasons, I think so far. Okay. Yeah. What's the main guy? He's from Detroiters. Real funny guy. Sam.

Sam? Could well be. Could be. Anyway. Sam Richardson. Thank you. Sam Richardson. So they're this perfect fighting machine that worked together so cohesively and so quickly with such ferocious discipline that they often destroyed enemies with way more troops than they have.

Kind of like often outnumbered, never outgunned. Right. Just because they believed. Or they knew failure was not an option. Yeah, exactly. Well, we better succeed here. They never out-horsed, that's for sure. Never out-horsed. Too many fucking horses.

That's stressing me out, the number of horses. Too many horses. Too many! But, you know, like they live on the steppe, there's vast grasslands, there's plenty of- Yeah, so the horses can always feed and they're feeding off the horses. Yeah, it's a great system. There's supping of the horses. Yeah, so the horses can always feed and they're feeding off the horses. Yeah, it's a great system. Best supping of the horses' teats. I couldn't even name, like, if I had 16 horses and I had to come up with names for all of them,

God. You've famously, your favourite website is a horse name generator. Jess, if anyone was going to be having to do that, it'd be you. Oh, God, how am I going to come up with 16 names? I think I know. You know, it's your favorite website. You talk about it a lot. All the time. I think I know what we're going to do at the end of the episode.

Yeah. I thought you were going to say, and I was about to agree with you, I wouldn't even know how to find a horse's teeth. Oh, yeah. Where would you have you ever? Where's the teeth? I'm like a cow. They're dangling there. Yeah. I'll never. Where do you get the milk from a horse's teeth. Oh yeah, where would you have it? I'm like a cow. They're dangling there. Where do you get the milk from a horse? I don't want to Google that one. Do you have breasts?

That horse has a beautiful rack. That is a stacked horse. Look at the cans on that horse. Not their value, but oh my God. I can't stop looking on that horse. Oh my God. Not their value, but oh my God. La la la la la. God, I can't stop looking at that horse. That's not natural. Somebody give that horse a sports bra. It's gonna do its back.

Yeah, the straw that broke the camel's back. The rack that broke the horse's back. That's what you thought I was gonna say and you were ready to agree with me. I'm like, yeah, I'm like, how are they getting the milk out of these horses? You haven't stopped thinking about it. But I guess that's like everything they would, they must, they must have nipples. Do they have like pigs sort of like a row of nipples? Yeah, like dogs?

You know, Dave? You're looking at me. I mean, I did look up the Mongol horse, but I didn't look too much. The nips. About where the nips, but I didn't look too much. At the nips. About where the nips were. Like, didn't get the diagrams up. Has anybody ever, like, commented on your dog having nipples? Ah, no.

My dad has. Oh. He was like, why has he got nipples? I was like, do you have nipples, Dad? He was like, oh. Never mind. What's this? What's this on him?

Oh my God. Where's his nipples, Dad? Why? Why's he, why's your boy dog, why's. What's this? What's this on him? Oh my God. Where's his nipples, Dad? Why? Why's he, why's your boy dog? Why's he got nipples? Why do you have nipples, Dad? Huh.

End of that. And that was when you found out your dad doesn't have nipples. Flat, fully flat. Fully flat. Perfectly flat. There's a real Ken doll, my dad. Oh my gosh. So add in the advanced military strategy which they were governed.

You've got an unbeatable army. Genghis has been called a military genius as is his primary military strategist, a guy called Subutai, regarded by some military historians as the single greatest military commander ever. Wow. Another example of the meritocracy, Subutai had been the lowborn son of a blacksmith and worked his way up to general who overrun more territory than any other commander in history. He led over 20 military campaigns and won 65 out of 65 pitched battles against 32 different

nations. So he kept coming up. It's like sometimes they're also on horseback. Sometimes they're knights. Sometimes they go tank. Yeah. And every time he's like, all right, I'll come up with a way to beat him. Sometimes they're on horseback, sometimes they're knights. What are the knights?

I was in the enemy. Yeah. So sometimes he's like similar to their own army. Right. And they're better than him. Knights aren't on, what kind of knights? You know, like European knights. Right.

Fully in armour. Yeah, yeah. With swords. Standing side by side with shields. Men of honour. Yeah. And he's like, all right. So you're coming up from, yeah, standing side by side with shields, men of honor. Yeah. And he's like, all right. So you're coming up from, yeah, just around the world.

Cause of where they are, it's like every side is like a totally different. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And everyone has different, different armies, different cultures. And every time the Mongols are like, okay, I know we'll come up with a deal with it. Yeah. And it's crazy. Something I hadn't thought about was when you said,

son of a blacksmith, I'm like, imagine being a nomadic blacksmith. The kind of gear you'd have to lug around with you. You got an anvil on the back. Yeah. Imagine every time you're like, oh, we're moving. OK, no worries. Yeah, great. Perfect. Well, it'll take me three weeks to pack up this. Yeah. Oh, you're leaving today.

Yeah, cool. Great. Yeah, no worries. I'll catch up. And then in the tent next to you, there's like a waver that's like, yep, I to pack up this. Yeah. Oh, you're leaving today. Yeah, cool. Great. Yeah, no worries. I'll catch up. And then in the tent next to you, there's like a waver that's like, yep, I'm good. Good to go. All good. All good. Okay.

Off I go. Okay. He's like, I fucking hate that waver. Why am I a piece of shit? It's fucking stupid. So smug. My loom is so... I've got a travel loom.

So they had these amazing tactics. The Mongols often employed the feigned retreat where a group of horseback soldiers would almost suicidally race into battle against a larger army and then appear to retreat when they were losing. The bigger army would then turn and follow them and the Mongols, who were the best archers in the world, would turn around on their horses whilst it was riding and fire arrows backwards. Holy shit, that is badass. A tactic that's often called the Parthian Shot, made famous by the Parthians, an ancient

Iranian people. That is good stuff. Would they have been, have they just independently come up with this or did they study like other armies? No, they just come up with it. I think it's separate that they've come up with this. But this is like, they don't have saddles or stirrups or anything like that. They're bareback on a horse and they can turn around whilst it's fully galloping

and accurately mow down the enemy with arrows. It's crazy. And you were saying Khan is so literate, he can't read. Can other members of his crew, can they read? Do they know much about, you know, world history and stuff? No, no, not really. Army history or whatever? But he would recruit people from the different societies. Gotcha.

The reason that the history of the Mongols is the oldest surviving Mongol text is, in the society, no one could really read or write, but he saw the value in writing down your history for the empire. So he actually got, I think it was the Mongol, the first language, they got the Uyghurs, who are another group in the area, to come up with an alphabet to write down the Mongolian language. Wow! So yeah, and even though he couldn't read and write it himself, he would get scholars to write stuff down. And he'd borrow a bit from the society, borrow a bit from the society.

Very multicultural guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same sort of tactics with the scholars that he had in, like if you don't get a new letter by the end of the day, you're dead. You're dead. But if one of you gets a letter, everybody else has to also get a new letter or you're all dead. So really, if we don't have an alphabet, by the end of the day, you're dead. You're dead. You're all dead.

Yeah. So it took years because they kept failing. Lost a lot of good scholars. And a lot of duds. Yeah, actually, to be honest, a lot of them are mainly duds. So he's got this shit hot army, but to keep everyone happy, the great Khan had to get plunder and loot to pay everyone with. Of course.

Everyone wants their treasure. Tailors all to stone himself. What do they want? Yeah, great, I'd love to work for you, but I still want to get paid. Yeah, you get through all the hoops to survive. Yeah. And then at the end, you're like, yeah, now I need my cash. You ask the cash, you're dead.

I got mouths to feed. Yeah. You know, I got 16 horses. That's a lot of horse mouths. That is a lot of horse. That's crazy. So the Mongols... Imagine the vet bills. Oh my gosh.

The Mongols were finally ready to take their first steps outside of the step. Oh. He enjoyed that a bit too much, didn't he? When I wrote it down I thought, that almost works. But you thought the delivery on the day will really push it over the line. And the others will just silently respect you. You went all in. I loved it.

Yeah, me too. Big fan. Listeners won't know, but Dave Lantin, he led with his brow. They knew. They could feel it. Yeah, sure they could. So he eyed off the on paper powerful Jin dynasty in China, who had recently got a new emperor called Yongji that Genghis did not like.

When he was asked to submit and pay the annual tribute to Yongji, basically this is the Jin's are the powerful people and they're like, all right, you've got to pay up. You got to pay us up. This is in 1210. Genghis instead mocked the emperor, spat and rode away from the Jin envoy, which is a challenge that meant war. Oh, wow. Love that.

Get on his horse and you rode away. Hi, we're just here to collect your donation. So that's war. And like I said- I'm going to just write it down. Okay, war. You've selected war. One war.

Declined donation, war. And like I said on paper, that's a scary proposition. The Jin dynasty was huge and had a massive 600,000 person army, about eight times more than the Mongols had. But Genghis, always had a knack for finding an enemy's weak spot, had heard that the state was wracked by internal instabilities. He also employed a type of psychological warfare. According to world history again, the Mongols savagely sack a city and then retreat so that the djinn could retake it,

but then have to deal with the chaos. The tactic was even repeated several times on the same city. They'd come, do a little raid, burn shit down, kill a lot of people and then disappear, and then the djinn would have to come in and deal with it. And they do that over and over again. And it sort of wears down the morale of the everyday citizens. Another strategy was to capture one city, devastate it, murder every single citizen and then warn neighbouring cities the same fate would befall them if they didn't immediately surrender. It's like, hey, see what we did over there?

We could do that to you. Or you could open. Well, maybe you could make us an offer. What do you think? What would you like to do? Yeah. Because I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do.

Because I'm pretty chill. Join us. Yeah. You want to join us? You want to? Oh, OK. Oh, I guess I'm open to that. OK, yeah. Because if not, I'll kill you. Yeah. So.

Grab a uniform. I've thought about my offer. See Janet in the uniform shop. Yeah. She's the uniform. I've thought about my offer. See Janet in the uniform shop. Yeah. She's the best. Grab 16 horses. Come join us. Yeah. OK, great.

Up to the uniform shop at school. Don't know why. You like going in? Yeah. It's weird. And like- It's like I liked getting something new, but it was also like it was a school uniform, so it was pretty boring. And new like stationary and stuff.

Oh. weird. Set of Derwins? Oh, and then my dad would sit at home with a little Stanley knife and cut off the end and then write my name on it. Yes! Yes! We all live the same childhood. Oh my God.

And like, picking out contact paper every year of like what you wanted your books to look like and stuff. And then mum would spend hours- Binding that, yeah. Oh my God. The best one I ever had was like white with sort of fluoro green sort of splats of paint. Fluoro green, black and orange splats.

Yes. Oh man. It was the best. That's sick. Yeah. I ended up doing work experience for that company. Because it was that good. They made hoses and contact paper.

The big two. The big two. Holy shit. What was the first year? Hey, we're going to expand. We're going to do hoses. I think two. What a weird. Holy shit. Hey, we're going to expand. We're going to do hoses. I think they're as good a business as we are. Yeah, yeah.

That's awesome. How did you get involved with them like for the work? Did you have an in? My uncle worked for a while. And my parents knew I wanted to work in the creative field, so they got me into a hose factory. In contact with the creator hose. Look at you now. Look at you now.

I was just stepping stone on a thing. And that week you redesigned all hoses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The modern hose. That was mad. This was in the 1400s. Yeah, yeah. Well, they used to be like, this metal, metal bits now.

It was all copper. The green one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love that. Love that. You got the things that wind bits now. It was all copper. The green one. Yeah. Yeah. Love that. Love that. You got the things that wind them up. Oh, so handy.

Yeah, I remember when that came in. That was a big day. Big day for hoses. Big day for hoses. Put that at hosecon. Yeah. It was a headline event. The attachments that could do different kinds of sprays.

Oh my gosh. You could do a shower. You could do a jet. You could do that little bubbler one that sort of fizzes out. It's like, who the hell wants, what's this for? Who's this for? Who's this for? Who's this for? Who's this for? Who's this for?

If not, it's like the cheese grater, you know, the sides are just so useless. It's like that. They're like, we need to have one that no one wants just to make all the other ones look good. So they're attacking the Chinese in the Jin dynasty. These Chinese cities are often heavily fortified with a large defensive wall surrounding them. This was a real barrier to the Mongol army

as they were not used to such fortifications, but they adapted and learned on the job, often capturing Chinese siege experts who they added into their own army, making it easier over time to take the larger cities. Over time, what was once just a horse-based army was able to undertake the siege of large cities using catapults, ladders, burning oil, and even damming and diverting rivers to literally flush out their enemies. Wow. So they just got better.

Burning oil's brutal. It sounds nasty, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't do that myself. I just think- That's a note from me. I think to me, that's where he stepped over that, that blurry ethical line into. Is it essential oil? Like, does it smell nice? Oh, it smells so nice. Oh, I'm up for that.

That's nice. Essential burning oil. Oh, I didn't. Yeah, it's okay. Love to do that. So it's burning. It's sort of like, like just a little candle underneath. Yeah.

It's water with some oil in it and it just gives a nice smell. It's warm. I thought it was sort of like he was deep frying his enemies. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why would he do that? He was making the whole place smell like a like an endotis spa. And people are like, I want to join that, that side. Yeah. That's how he won. It smells so calm in there. You know, yeah. Ooh, lavender. Oh, gorgeous. But eucalyptus, I feel like I can breathe. The djinn suffered from internal fighting as well and eventually struck a peace deal with Genghis paying him a tribute.

Remember they asked him for the tribute. Now he's reversed the table. But when they moved their capital city further south, Genghis saw this as them regrouping so he launched further attacks on them. So they're like, over time are pretty fucked. He also attacked the- Anyway, over time they're pretty fucked. Anyway, it was terrible. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Something in your head a little bit. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. He also attacked the state of Zhejiang in northern China and the other Chinese state, the Song

dynasty, had the opportunity to team up with the Jin Empire and fight back. Combine the two Chinese to go against them. But pretty short-sightedly, rather than team up with their local enemy against this now existential threat that had appeared on their doorstop and would create like a useful buffer between them and the Mongols. So rather than team up with their enemy and be like, we can take them out, they went with the old adage of the enemy of my enemy is my friend. And they took the side of the Khan. But would you believe it? That by the time the Mongols were done with the Jin, they would eventually turn and go after the Song dynasty as well.

Yeah, if they made a bit of a fool of it. Whoa, whoa, we're friends! Like, yeah, we were friends and now the others are gone and we want your land as well. And now it's like, who am I going to war against? Yeah. Yeah. Like I defeated them. Yeah.

OK, great. Now what? This is kind of my thing. My business is war. Yeah. So. My business is good. Yeah.

But I need things to war with and you're the next thing. You're next. Like I've defeated everyone else. So, like. Unless you've got any other ideas. Yeah. What do you want me to do? Start crocheting or something?

Because I've kind of been thinking about that. Do you think I'd be any good at it? Start a war on crochet? Can you teach me? Is that what you're suggesting? Well, I'm open to it. So the Mongols continued their attacks on China over the next decade, with around 90 cities being destroyed in 1212 and 1213 alone.

A very destructive, you know, people. It's fair. It's a lot of destruction. It's like there's a little bit in common with Alexander the Great. Yeah, another top nine. It's just going around just destroying shit. Yeah. But also, like, you know, we're talking about them. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So I think if there's any lesson here, if you want to be talked about. You want a legacy. Kill your brother. Kill your brother, destroy some cities. True. Can it be like in The Sims?

Can I destroy Sim cities? Yeah, I think so. Great. That's always fun. That's fun. Have a little earthquake. Yeah. See what I shake things up a bit.'s always fun. That's fun. Have a little earthquake. Yeah.

See how I shake things off a bit. Get Godzilla. Do you have that? I actually never really played much of SimCity. I love it. You could also do a UFO. Yeah, that's fun. That's fun.

Pew, pew, pew. That would happen, right? Pew, pew, pew. Yeah, yeah, they'd like maybe like make buildings disappear and stuff, yeah. Whoa. Very fun. That's fun.

So they're ram sacking China. In 1215, Beijing was captured and the city burned for a full month. Wow. A lot of destruction. Genghis Khan was on the brink of ruling over all of China, but he turned part of his army southwest to the Khwarizmian Empire. Oh, this is his fatal mistake. Or he sacked another city.

Could be either. It's exciting. This is present day Turkestan, Uzbekistan, Afghanistan and Iran. And he turned his army after an unfortunate incident. The Mongols sent a large caravan of merchants to trade in the Khurizmian Empire. Usually these merchants would be safe when on such missions because both societies needed stuff so they traded a lot. But when they got to the Khwarizmian, which is an amazing word, border town of Otra, the local governor decided to massacre the caravan under charges of espionage and just take all their stuff.

That's not nice. And the Mongols were like, what the heck? And they sent an envoy of diplomats to the leader of the Khwarizmian Empire, the Chorizmian Shah, to try and avert war. A bit like, explain what happened. Did you want this massacre to happen? If it wasn't like on your orders, that's all good. Just let us take revenge on that governor and we're all good again. But the Chorizmian Shah responded in the worst possible way and killed the entire envoy. Okay. I'm starting to think that they're,

they know what they're doing, you know? The first one, you know, fool me once. Yes. But, you know, kill a second envoy, I'm starting to take this as a message. That's right. Of hostility. Can't get fooled again. Can't get fooled again.

Whoa, so that feels like a mistake. Yes, it's a choice I'm sure the Shah and his millions of subjects would regret as this pissed Genghisov, who sent his army over to royally fuck up their empire. First off, they started with Or Trat, the border town that the Caravan of Merchants had been massacred at. After a five month siege, they broke through the walls of the city and utterly destroyed it. The governor who had ordered through the walls of the city and utterly destroyed it. The governor who had ordered the initial execution of the merchants was unfortunately for him

captured alive and according to some sources, he was killed by having molten gold and silver poured into his eyes and ears. Oh, geez, they are doing very well. If you're using gold. And silver. To kill enemies, although they also like name kids, you know, like maybe. It's the ultimate tribute. The ultimate. Oh, yeah, we're really, we're going to show you by making your corpse very expensive. And beautiful.

Yeah, really pretty. It was apparently symbolism for his greed for killing and stealing from the merchants. They're like, oh, you like gold, do you? Well, how much do you like it? I'm going to make you smoke the whole pack. Yeah. I'll sit here and watch you drink the whole cup of gold. So that's pretty, pretty brutal.

Hmm. From here, the Mongols split into groups and one by one took out the garrison cities of the whole Chorizmian Empire. They elided the Shah, bewilded by the speed of the Mongol conquest. He was a bit like, I don't know who cares about this. I've never really heard of them. Right. I don't need to really respect them.

That's why he was like, and then they were like, did you order this thing? Because if you did, we'll launch war on you. And he was a bit like, who the fuck are you? And then a couple of years later, he's like, oh, my whole empire's gone. Whoops. I regret that. Probably should have asked around. I really regret that.

Should have asked China or, you know, any of the other. Who are these guys? They seem pretty serious. How he fled but was closely followed by the legendary generals I mentioned earlier, Jebe and Subutai, and they pursued the Charizmian Shah until he died from dysentery on a Caspian Sea island in the winter of 1220, probably ruining the day he pissed off Genghis Khan. And it's during this invasion that Genghis and the Mongols attained their reputation

as ruthless, inhumane conquerors. It's hard to quantify both scientifically and also emotionally the destruction that they unleashed. The cities of Herat, Nishapur and Merv, which were three of the largest cities in the whole world at the time, were all completely laid to waste. Every town or city that resisted the Mongols, destroyed. Often offered them a chance to surrender and submit to the Khan, and if they didn't, when the city fell, even if they were like, we give up now, they would kill every single

person, man, woman, child, and sometimes animals too, all murdered. Well, he's afraid of dogs. That makes sense. So what would happen if they did submit? Well, if they did submit, which like to me sounds like a better option knowing what they could do, they'd go great, but often they would employ you into the army and make you basically the human shields at the front of the army.

Right. So then they'd go to the next town over and when they needed to like try and batter down a wall or something, they'd send those people in first and they'd be the first ones to get shot with arrows to keep the Mongols safe. Yeah. So they basically enslave you and risk your life anyway. Yeah, neither great option. It's not a great option. Not a great option.

I don't know. I'm sorry. Some part of me thinks that you're just better off. Just why don't you just you've got a nice thing going. Just stay where you are. Be good to each other. Cherry spring? Do you have to go around like laying waste to cities?

That's why you'd rather be a leader. Inside of you, you need to deal with. I don't know. That's just what I'm saying, Jengis. Maybe just look inward for a little bit. Uh-huh. He did not do that. Maybe take up crocheting. Yeah.

He declared war on crochet. Give it a go. Because they'd take people out in a systematic way, cutting people's heads off with axes. This is a bit brutal, skip it if you don't want to get of this, but each soldier was given a quota of enemies to execute according to circumstances. For example, after the conquest of Urgench, each Mongol warrior in an army of about 20,000 troops was required to execute 24 people or nearly half a million people per the army. And they'd be required to prove they'd killed their quota by cutting off an ear from each corpse and then they put it in a big bag, which was then counted.

Big bag of ears. Yeah, apparently there was like huge sacks full of ears. What? So you're cutting off one from each corpse? Yeah, I thought that too, but I'm pretty sure it would be like, right ears only. Who put a left ear in here? Come on. That's only one. That's only one.

That's only one. Yeah, I'd be cutting off both. Yeah, double it up. See, I'm gonna have to kill 12. Sort of like when we did a walkathon at school and you'd get a stamp each lap you did. Okay. I'd go at the start of the long table of teachers, get a stamp, popping to get at the end. Second stamp.

That is brilliant. Good stuff. And you took one of each of theirs ears. Yeah So you got two ears per lap for proof. Yeah Sorry raised more money for charity. Yeah, oh my bad Sue me. Come on. Yeah, what a nonsense. Oh Teachers are serious. Yeah, but but like charity was. OK, I had family members offer one dollar per lap. Yes. So you just doubled that.

And like, whatever, you don't have an ear. Yeah. But- And then your uncle gets a call saying, yeah, she did 780 laps. And you're like, what the fuck? She's in grade three. I thought it'd be like five bucks. And they thought, this kid's got a future. At the Olympics? At the Olympics, yeah. No, right. Straight to the Olympic trials's got a future. At the Olympics? Yeah.

No, right. Straight to the Olympic trials and you're like, at the Olympics, where's the stamps? Where's the stamps? How can I, how can I? Is this a stamp system? How can I rig this? Who needs their, who's got ears? Who's got ears here?

Who's got ears here? Is it the ear system here? Same as at school? You use the ear system? Yeah. You guys using the ear system? What are we doing? So it's brutal, often to make sure they got everyone after sacking a city and leaving it burning, they'd move on. But a few days later, the army would send back a small unit to take care of anyone they'd

missed who might have been hiding the first time. So they wanted to kill everyone. And the death toll is staggering and still debated. Over the generations, it's estimated that somewhere between 20 and 60 million people were murdered by the Mongols. One estimate puts that at approximately 10% of the contemporary global population at the time. So that's between 37 and 60 million people were killed either during or immediately after

the Mongols military campaign Isn't that fucking- That's insane. I just can't get my head around those numbers And they're doing it by hand. It's not this is before like gunpowder and artillery have taken off. Just bombing things. It's like more people than World War one and they're doing it with an axe, axes and swords. Wow. That's wild.

Jess couldn't get a- you hear she couldn't get her head around the numbers. How many MCGs? Oh, sorry. How many MCGs? Yeah, thank you. Thanks, Matt. Thanks for looking out for me because Dave never fucking does. I ask a question, I say like, I'm struggling with this. I can't get my head around that number.

And he's just like, I know, right? Fucking help me. Apparently he has two ears still. Not for long, let me tell you that. If it was 60 million, 600 MCGs. Okay. For a lot of people. That it was 60 million, 600 MCGs. Okay. For a lot of people. That is a lot.

That is a lot. That is a lot. More than twice everyone in our country gone. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's a fair few. And that's not even counting animals. Yeah, which they killed plenty of those too. Yeah, I'm starting to think these, you know, it's hard.

It's funny because there's a lot of time goes by, but you're like, if someone did that today, they'd be like a bad person. That's a real piece of shit. But you know, what happens is Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, whoa, weren't they great leaders? Amazing leaders. They were psychos. Yeah, yeah, they killed so many people. Like the British Museum has all this stuff from around the world, They're evil. But Genghis Khan, that man.

You know what I'm saying? We'll put him in our comedy movie, Bill and Ted. Bit of fun. Bit of fun. If King Whoever from England was fucked and they were, I'm saying it. So was Genghis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dave.

I'm sorry, Dave. Dave is crushed. They're not the only people doing this. Dave is crushed. Dave is very upset. Pretty much anyone'm sorry Dave. You forgot it. Dave is crushed. They're not the only people doing this stuff. Dave is crushed. Dave is very upset. They're not- Pretty much anyone from the past.

Stop crying Dave. I'm cancelling them. That's it. Oh no. But I was born in the past. One day we'll be in the past. Yeah. And our time will come.

Oh my God. Gen Alpha's coming for us. You know it. Oh my God, they are coming for us. We have almost definitely already said the things that will cancel us on this podcast. Yeah, of course. We have over a thousand hours of us talking. I don't like that.

But again. We've grown. Exactly. Give us a chance. We're sorry. Anything that we said, I've said this before, but anything we said, do you agree with, we meant. Anything we said you disagree with, we were being ironic. Yes.

I saw a tweet from Dougal on Wisdom, the Twitter account, that tweets out quotes from us, which I don't think has done one in quite a long time. Yeah, I think they've gotten over it. They've moved on. But one of them was- They've gotten over it. Was me saying everything I've ever said is alleged. And I stand by that. That's good stuff.

That's a good catch-all. As I learnt in journalism school, that's a great way to cover your ass. So I'm just saying it again now. Yeah, yeah. If anyone does know the Duguan quote account holder, get them to get them past the keys over to someone who still listens. Yeah. Yeah. Pass the torch.

Pass on the torch. Because it's good stuff. You did. I really enjoyed it. Yeah. Because I didn't remember anything that you ever. It was fun to see, wasn't it? But it was sad how funny I found it. Oh man, someone, I wish I could, I'm blanking on their name,

but someone in the Patreon group has been collating a list of the things that I've said when I meant something else. Yeah. And I read through it and I was quite tired and hung over the day I read it, but I was laughing out loud at my mistakes. Very funny stuff. I felt like I was losing my mind at the time, but it was good stuff. Yeah, it's a growing list funnily enough, but it's good stuff.

They're doing fantastic work. Yeah. And I'm so sorry I've forgotten your name if you are listening. That's very funny though. So, final bit on the deaths they cause, because it's just like a wild story. There's a story of some people coming through months after one of these cities was sacked, and up ahead they can see like what they think is like a white mountain, thinking it's like snow topped.

But they get closer, they realise it's not snow, it's a pyramid made of human skulls. Whoa! That you can see from kilometres away. That's a pyramid made of human skulls. Whoa! That you can see from kilometers away. That's how big it is. What? And it's debated as to why they were so brutal. Some say it was to scare any other potential enemies into surrendering. Like they'd often rock up and say, hey, you want to surrender now?

You know, a few towns over, you saw what we did. You could give up and like, you know, be brutal now to save your own troops' lives later. You don't have to wage war again. Others postulate it was simply that Genghis thought he had got on his side, that anyone who refused to submit to him was going against God and therefore deserved to die. Right. You'd have to have a way to justify it to yourself.

Yeah. Look, I don't kill 60 million people easily. Okay. I've had a good think about it and God wanted me to. So yeah, I'm pretty good. How can you hold that against me? Oh, are you being against God right now? Because I can put you in the skull pyramid.

And often he would like, and like honestly, you'd see that you'd feel that God's on your side of you as successful as he is because he would rock up to these other religions and then he'd be like, you're going to surrender? And they'd say, no, like, you know, you're a heathen, you're going against God. And he'd say, well, looks like God's been on my side. I've just done 50 battles and I've won all 50 of them. So, I'm pretty sure God's on my side. Yeah, yeah. I think if, yeah.

Like, and how do you argue with that? Yeah. If you believe in your God, do you think your God is letting me do this? Yeah. Apparently, both in Christianity and Islam, which he attacked a lot to their cities, like they struggled to explain what was happening. And eventually they were saying, I think a lot of them were like, he's the devil and it's his sins, not ours. Because you've got to spin it some way as to why your God keeps letting you lose. Look, it's hard. Dave, this is what you don't understand, because you didn't grow up with God, just that I could

probably explain to you. God works in mysterious ways. He's also omnipresent. Yeah. So. Okay. So I hope that clears that up for you. That has absolutely cleared it up. Thank you. Yeah. So yeah, like if you think, it's probably a test. He's testing your faith. There's different reasons why he would make your- even if you're being perfect,

you're not. You're born a sinner. So just remember that. Remember that. I was born a sinner. Oh, yeah. You didn't know that? What? Yeah. But I was just a baby. Jesus died for our sins before you were even born. Remember that joke? Zero from two hours ago? Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I'm afraid it's gonna get even grimmer just for a second, but then it's gonna get better. Dave, I can't underline that. I know everyone's like, I know everyone's like, Jenga's Khan, what a good guy, what a legend. Yeah.

And everyone's just so- Just laugh, this guy. And I'm just, I've just gotta put this on the record. I'm starting to disagree with that. Matthew. I know, I know. I know everyone says he's the best. You're going against history then.

Everyone says, what a guy, we should all be like him. I honestly think if I behave like him, I would rightfully be cancelled. I think it would be right. OK. You know, they go, all right, you're not going to get any more HBO specials. Or no, you will. You will. But they might not be very flattering. Yeah.

I know they probably will be. You know, you'll keep your fandom and stuff. But you know, every time I say in the event of an apocalypse, I'm giving up really quickly and people say, no, no, you never know what you'd be like in it. Maybe You know if you had killed millions and millions of people like like 68 mil You'd actually be like no, I don't deserve to be canceled I was on my son. You couldn't possibly know. Yeah, that's true I because yeah, I hadn't considered the gob was on my side. Yeah. Then maybe fair enough. That changes everything. Yeah.

Okay. What are we talking about? What are we doing? Last Grimp. Okay. Well, maybe, but the most Grimp it. I'll put an mention of an assault warning here coming up right now because another horrible part of the story is the widespread rape across these conquered places.

And I'm obviously not going to dwell on this comedy podcast, but it was very widespread and used as a weapon of war. Genghis himself is said to have had multiple wives and quote unquote concubines. A lot of these were frequently acquired from conquered territory, often princesses or queens that were taken captive. And he had possibly up to 500 concubines. And because of this, a 2003 historical genetic study, I'm not sure if you've heard this fact before, found that when sampling DNA from 16 populations across Asia, they found

that nearly 1 in 12 men on the continent shared an unusual Y-chromosomal lineage, one that is said likely that's come directly from Genghis Khan. Wow. So it's been argued that the genetic lineage showed that about 8% of men in the region of the former Mongol Empire and therefore about 1 in 200 people worldwide or 16 million people can claim relation to the Khan. Shit. And you know what that genetic thing would be?

Wolf. So like 16 million wolf men. Yeah, worldwide. Shit. Wow, that's 60 million Wolfmen. Yeah, worldwide. Shit. Wow, that's very interesting. Yeah. You know, if you went back a few more centuries, there'd be people with bigger numbers, right?

Like if you went back to... I think he's like the most identified person so far, the most widely spread, but there could be others. Yeah. Other than Adam and Eve. The further back you go. Well, I mean, Adam and Eve, we've all got Adam and Eve. Yeah.

Yeah, one in one is really... Yeah. We've all got Adam and Eve. I tell you, we've all got Adam and Eve. Yeah. Yeah, one in one is really... Yeah. We've all got Adam and Eve, I tell you, we don't have Adam and Steve. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right?

All right? That makes you think. That makes you think. All right. Super Taiho, I mentioned earlier, the great general during the raids of the Chorizmian Empire had heard rumors of another society on the other side of Chorizmia, an empire of people with blue eyes. What the actual fuck? Our people?

Freaks! The lot of them! Weird looking people! Freaks! Something wrong with all of them. Disgusting. Do you not have blue eyes, Jess? No, they're green.

Same, same. Which is like, they are blue, but they've just got yellow in them, so they just look green. Mine have got blue and green. OK. Which should never be seen. Should never be seen, they say. Do you have got beautiful blue eyes? Thank you.

Thank you. That's better. Don't want to look at those disgusting eyes. So here, he heard about this land of people with blue eyes. If you'd never seen blue eyes before, it would be freaky. Yeah, people with like different features that they'd never seen before. He's like, what the hell? What the fuck is wrong with them? So he requested a small army to go and scout out this place and Genghis gave him 20,000

men and three years to suss it out with the other great general Jebe the arrow going along too. It's known to history as the Great Raid. It's worth its own report, but just as an overview, this raid covered 9,000 kilometers in a span of three years, making it the longest cavalry raid in all of history. Wow. They made it all the way to the edge of Europe, going into Georgia, Russia, Poland, and Hungary. And these kingdoms, all of whom had never even heard of the Mongols, must have absolutely

shat themselves. Yeah. According to History of Yesterday, which has a great article I'll link to about this very raid, during the raid, Subutai achieved several remarkable victories. He destroyed the Georgian army, which was preparing to join the Fifth Crusade and had 35,000 soldiers. Using a feigned retreat, he lured the knights away from the infantry and defeated them. The remaining infantry was no match for his archers. Wow.

After crossing the Caucasus Mountains, Subotai defeated steppe warriors before defeating an 80,000 strong Russian army in 1223, which is four times the size of his own army. Again he used a feign retreat that lasted for nine days to stretch out the pursuing Russians. And after the ninth day, the 20,000 Mongols turned around and annihilated and surprised the 80,000 tired Russians. That's a, as soon as like I keep thinking people are going to figure out the tactic, but they're all dead.

Yeah, they can't share it. Dead men tell no tales. Exactly, they can't pass on. Hey, when they run, don't go after them. Yeah. It's not going to end well. It's a trap. It's a trap.

All up, they won 12 battles. And this is all with a tiny scouting army of just 20,000 people, just a fraction. They're just so good at war. Yeah, they're beating full proper armies. He'd destroy these armies with superior soldiers and fighting tactics, and then often leave the cities they were protecting to go on and just continue exploring. They're just having their little like, they're just backpacking around Europe for a bit. Yeah, like the people in the cities would be like, oh my god, they're going to come and destroy us.

But they'd just keep going because their orders weren't to take cities, it was just to suss out what was going on. Any army that got in the way, all right, we'll take care of them. Yeah. But we don't need to go sack your cities because we'll come back later. That's wild. Again, it could be his own report, but after three years he returned to Jenga's car to tell him what he'd discovered.

And he came back like, you know, he was wearing fisherman's pants and you know, all this sort of- Toe ring. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, had a nose ring, toe ring. Dreadlocks. Holiday Jess is so much better than real life Jess. I like her so much more.

Come back. So I've just been to Barcelona. Yeah. People, yeah, you might like you more, but people who have to meet the new Jess. Yeah. Not good. What happened? Yeah, you guys really beat it out of me quickly.

When I came back like full of life, you were like, no, no. Can we phase this out, Jess? Let's crush her. There's new sunny disposition. It's disgusting. It's going. It's gonna ruin the business. We need her to be kind of crabby and turn on a dime. When you started you know correctly our pronunciations of foods. It's obvious. Bruschetta. Sorry you want to

order what? Bruschetta? Never heard of it. Oh sorry.. Oh, I think, oh, I think I know what you mean. I think you mean bruschetta ricotta. OK. Did you want the spinach and ricotta? I know someone who does that. Yeah, me too. I dated one. It is so great. Just to fully change for one word. Yeah, just the one. That's it.

You can do it like, yeah, there's a, you can do it in a bit more subtle. Like I bet, but not the, yeah. And we'll also grab the, uh, the spinach and really got that. Like, okay. It's very funny. Oh, sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing that. Oh, sorry.

Oh, did I? Oh, oh my goodness. It's it. You ever watch, uh, any of, uh of Conan O'Brien travels abroad shows? No. He sometimes goes with like one of his producers or something and he is that kind of guy. Mmm. And Conan is just sort of blank, you know, he doesn't give him probably the respect he

even he deserves. Yeah. It's like me like going to a bakery and being like, hi, could I please have one steak and ale pie? Thank you so much. It's good stuff. Anyway, after taking down the Chorismian Empire, and he's already done China, Genghis returned to Mongolia in 1225. By this time, he controlled a huge part of territory from the Sea of Japan to the Caspian Sea. And with a subatised reconnaissance, he was eyeing off Europe as well.

But sadly for him, he'd never lived to see it. In 1227, Genghis was back in Zhejiang in China. Is a good thing about to come to an end? Yeah, mine. He was laying waste to the kingdom that he'd already conquered, but he was pissed off at them when they didn't supply troops for his conquests in other territories. Oh, so he asked for troops and he's like, well, I guess I got to come back and sort you out then. He's wasting his own cities now.

Double dipping. But sadly, Jess, all good things must come to an end. The great Khan died on the 18th of August, 1227. It's unclear as to how he died, possibly from an illness or from falling from his horse. So he's in the 1227 club. Not many in that club. Well, actually, knowing him all these years, there's plenty of people.

But also just knowing, like, how time works. I'm sure plenty of people died in 1227, just like old people, sick people. But he definitely upped the averages within his lifetime. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When he killed 10% of planet Earth. Yeah. Did it go like Attila the Hun and without him, it fell apart of it or? Well, he had left quite the legacy.

History.com writes, Jengis Khan conquered more than twice as much land as any other person in history. Wow. He planned for his succession, knowing that frequently empires in the steppe fell apart with infighting. He chose his own successor. He had four sons and a brother that all could have had claims, but he chose his third son, Ogadai, who continued his father's expansionist policies and invaded

both Korea on one side and Europe on the other. The relatives of Genghis reigned for decades and continued their expansion. They took on Europe, like I said, then they invaded Japan and they even got down into Java. But eventually the inevitable seemed to happen and the empire split as the grandchildren of Genghis Khan disputed which line of people should be the next Khan. Some people were like, it should be the son of this person. Other people like, no, it should be the son of this person.

Right. Because he'd been smart enough to choose his heir. Then after that, Ogadai didn't do that and it sort of got very messy. Classic Ogadai. Ogadai, geez, mate. You know, it's a pretty clear system here. You pick an heir. You pick an heir. One day you're going to Ogre die and you got a plan for it. Exactly. You're not going to Ogre live forever.

Yeah. That's what he'd say though. I'm going to Ogre live forever, ba-boo. By the time of Kubla or Kublai Khan's death in 1294, Matt's favourite, the Mongol Empire had fractured into four separate khanates or empires, each pursuing its own interests and objectives. The Golden Horde. One of them was really into crochet. Yeah. My favourite is the Golden Horde.

That sounds so good. The Golden Horde khanate in the northwest, the Chagatai khanate in Central Asia, the Ilkhanate in Iran and the Yuan dynasty in China based in modern day Beijing. I think a lot of people don't know that, you know how China's often, it's split into dynasties like the Jing and the Jing. The Yuan Dynasty is actually a Mongolian one, but they just became Chinese. That's cool.

And that's where Kublai was. At the time of its split, the Mongol Empire was 23 and a half million square kilometres or 9 million 100,000 square miles, which is 17.81% of the world's land, making the Mongol Empire the largest contiguous empire in history. Second only, like we said to the British Empire, which peaked at 26.35% in 1920.

A lot of Australian desert padding out the numbers there. Wow. And none of it would have been possible without Timogen, AKA Jengis Khan. We're not sure where he was buried and the location of his tomb is still a mystery. Oh my God, it's a mystery episode. It's a mystery episode, where is he? Yes. A lot of people think he didn't want people to ever find his body, so it's hidden, and there's stories of-

Fair. I know, why would you want it to be sort of sacked by people in the future? I want to be here forever. But there's stories of the people that buried him were killed, and the people that killed them were killed to try and hide the- But that's- I'm not sure that's apocryphal, but people continue to search. But in Mongolia, many don't want the site to be found. According to Mongolia Today, which wrote about the subject, Mongolians detest any attempt to touch graves or even wander around graveyards. According to ancient tradition, burial spots are forbidden areas in which no one is allowed. Yet people still are looking.

Yeah, of course. They think they've narrowed it down to a specific mountain. But, um. Wow. And so you're saying we're going to go find it. Yeah, it should be us. Yeah. We should disrespect their ancient traditions. Exactly. It's so funny to be like. Well, don't you think that would be what he would want?

Yeah. He wasn't going around respecting traditions. I think that would be the highest honour. Yeah. Would be to go against what he wanted. Yes, and sack him. And burn it down. Yeah. He would respect that and he would hire us. He'd probably go, yeah, you can be the, you can guard my grave.

Yeah, and we'll say, no thanks. Yeah. We're going to go back. I respect that even more. We'll say we're going to go. I'll offer you double. We're going to go back to Australia now. But great to find you.

Thank you. Bye. He remains a much debated figure of history. It's a bit like Alexander. His empire was responsible for untold death and destruction, but there were some long term positive things. Mongol Empire was so large it linked Eastern and Western cultures and resulted in an open trade and a mix in cultures that possibly wouldn't have happened without him. It also became a safer place to live after what he did.

After introducing his laws, it was said you could travel from one side of the Mongolian empire to the other with a gold plate on your head and no one would rob you. But if killing everyone is the price of safety, is it worth it? Good question. Good question. He just asked it. Great question, Dave. Great question. Well asked. Well asked. Well phrased. A just asked it. Great question, Dave. Great question.

Well asked. Well asked. A real thinker. Also the same as Alexander the Great, who ushered in what's called the Hellenistic Age. You got to ask, did he mean to do any of that? Or are people just giving credit to Genghis for an unintended consequence of his actions? Like, did he want to open trade up and, you know, change history forever? But it sounds like he changed, like he really did change the world's history.

Yes. So before this, the two biggest kingdoms were sort of the ones in the Islamic empires and also in China. But then he fucked up them, especially like around Tehran and modern day Iran so much that some people say that didn't recover until they struck oil in the 20th century. Like 800 years later. Before that, they're like the best society, most advanced society in the world with all these great old canals and things, but he filled them in, burnt their cities down and it was such big, bad destruction that it took them hundreds of years to recover, if they ever recovered. And because of that, some people say that's what made Europe come to the fore as like the biggest dominant culture with the most advanced societies for a time, because before

this they were well behind the Middle East and China. And you said he went in and, or his kid went in and sacked parts of Europe? Yeah, like Hungary and the borders of Europe. Yeah, Poland and stuff like that. So wow. So they felt part of the wrath. But by the time it looked like they're actually going to come over and possibly take over all of Europe. But that's when it all split into four and took away.

Like I said, you split them up, you take away their power. Yeah. So so it did change, definitely change history. Yeah. I mean, you can't kill 60 million people and not change history. Yeah. Genghis Khan is seen as the founding father of the nation of Mongolia, where he has been posthumously deified.

So he's a big deal in Mongolia to this day. He's on The Money, as mentioned on the first ever episode of our show in the Mongolian capital, Ulaanbaatar, you can see the world's largest statue of a horse, which features Genghis riding a top. Is that Megatron? No. No, that was from the Chernobyl episode, I think. That was on our first ever episode. Do you remember me mentioning that?

David. I remember a big horse. David. Sorry. The Mona Lisa episode. Have a think about the question you just asked me. Only because of the way you phrased it. That was on our first ever episode.

I thought you were saying like, oh, I remembered that, but I wasn't sure what episode. Absolutely not. No, we talked about that. I remember last week. You think I remember one from nine years ago. Yeah. Get your head out of your ass, Dave. Get it out, Dave. Dave!

I gave you some credit, okay? No, but it was undue. Yeah, it was. Well, this would be close to exactly nine years since our first episode's release. True. I remember that too. Can you believe it? Time for a re-listen of the first ever one.

I thought you were going to say time to renew our vows. And I agree. Every nine. Every nine. Every nine. The big nine. You know, people say the seven year itch, not for podcasting. It's the nine year itch.

And I actually feel stronger than ever. Yeah. Give you a nine year scratch. Yeah. Thank you. Yes. The ultimate tribute, though, that I'm sure that he'd be happy to know, his face and name also appear in Mongolia on brands of alcohol and toilet paper.

Oh, yeah. That's nice. Contribute. That is really nice. Going in, coming out. You shit out alcohol? I don't. I don't know, because a gentleman never shits like that.

I wouldn't even know. Still trying to work it out. I don't think you can shit liquid. Okay. Well, I'll give it a red hot cracker. If you fly- Are you going to mention Bill and Ted? Does that come up at all in your report?

Am I making that up? Anyway. No, no, he's definitely in there. He's definitely in there. But finally, if you fly into the capital, Ulaanbaatar, internationally, you will land in the Chinggis Khan International Airport. He's such a big deal. The name of the airport was renamed after him in 2020. Wow, that's recent.

Yeah, but there is- About time he, you know, got some recognition. Yeah. Gave him his flowers, as people say. Is that what people say? I think that's what people say. Is that what people say? Have we had fun here today, Dave?

Hey, we've taken it for a walk. Possibly our bloodiest episode ever, so we've done well in that respect, I think. Yeah, I think Drew's out on this guy. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't made a decision. Yeah, because you can now travel distances with a gold plate on your head. Yeah, that's pretty good. But 60 million people were brutally murdered. Yeah. But I mean, what episode do we have that doesn't have millions of people brutally murdered?

Correct. Exactly. And this was hundreds of years ago. I actually thought, I thought for a moment this was our deadliest episode ever, because it was more than we'll want. But then I remembered Smallpox. Oh. Looked it up, that killed 300 million people.

Sorry, we've done an episode on Smallpox? In the 20th century. Yes, Jess, that was my report! Do you remember how they came up with the vaccine? No. And I think is that the episode where we just had to Google what a pandemic meant? Yes. And it came out, people have listened to it since and they're like, oh.

Very cute. I think it was in the first 50 episodes, so it was a long, long time ago. Oh my god. I just want to put a note on the sources. If you want to read anything that I read that are all linked in the show notes. And if you want to listen to a great podcast who goes into a lot more military stuff, the great man Dan Carlin, Hardcore History.

I went back and listened to from 2012, he did a five part series of this on the whole Mongol empire. The Wrath of Khan? The Wrath of the Khans. And I went back and listened to it. You got to, it's behind a paywall now, but it's like buying mini audio books. They're awesome. But there's five of us and I think all up it goes for 12 hours.

Shit. So if you want to hear more from the great man. And he says Genghis, does he? Yeah, he does say Genghis. So that's a hot tip if you want to hear more. I'm not a historian. Especially about military stuff because he's mad for it. He loves it.

He loves it. What is he, a boomer dad? Right've been listening to it with Dan Carnow. Right? Your dads love war? My dad loves war. Like a World War II doco. I love the SBS doco. Yeah, chuck it on.

Yep, yep, yep. I think our generation, or sorry, your generation's- Thank you. Dad TV is going to be COVID docoes, don't you reckon? Oh, God. Don't you reckon? Oh God. Don't you reckon that makes sense? No. Do you want to watch it?

No, I don't want to. It'll be the next generation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we, yeah. It'll be kids who are born around that time. Because, yeah. Because dad's watching stuff, yeah, World War II, which is before him. That one's like 9-11 docos or something.

Yeah, maybe it's 9-11. It was such a big event when we were growing up and it's like, what really happened? Yeah. Yeah, it'll be deep conspiracy theories by then. Yeah. Right, yeah. Yeah. Which is before him. What are our ones like 9-11 doco's or something? Yeah, maybe it's 9-11. It was such a big event when we were growing up and it's like, what really happened? Yeah.

Yeah, it'll be deep conspiracy theories by then. Yeah. Yeah, now I don't think I've ever watched a documentary about that. Me either. I don't know what my thing would be. No, well we'll find out. That's what's exciting.

Michael Jordan, The Last Dance? Great series. Great series. Now it's gotta be stuff that sort of happened just before you were born, like in the decade before you were born. So for you Now it's going to be stuff that sort of happened just before you were born, like in the decade before you were born. So for you, it's probably like, jeez, the invention of fire.

Yes, fire. Fire on the wheel. Dockers on that, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Things with people saying, oh, oh, stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Just so that you could reconnect with your first language. Yeah. That'd be nice. Jurassic Park, that sort of stuff. Yeah, that'd be nice. Jurassic Park, that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be nice.

Well, that brings us to everyone's favourite section of the show, where we thank some of our fabulous supporters. And if you want to be one of these supporters, you can support us at patreon.com slash to go on pod. Quick note, now they're in November. There's a change on the Apple apps. Dave understands it better than me, but basically Apple are now charging 30% of, so if you sign up on the Apple app.

Yes, that's right. If you sign up to our Patreon via the iOS app on your, on your phone, there's a 30% surcharge because they wanted to take their cut. Thank you so much Apple. But if you just sign up on your laptop or on your mobile, just via your... Like a web browser instead of the app? Exactly. It still works exactly the same way, but they just don't take an extra pound of flesh from you.

Yes. So you can cut out a middleman. And we love Apple. We've got a great relationship with them, but they don't need this money from you Or do they up to you your call? Yeah, you've course can still do that if you want, but it will save you 30% Yeah, feel free the way it doesn't affect us, but it'll won't charge you an extra 30% Yeah, feel free to donate to the world's largest company. Yeah, and that also That's only for new subscribers. Yes, if you already subscribed and you've already on the app, don't worry about it.

Don't worry. You're okay. This is as far as we understand it. We are all very technical, illogical and we love contracts. We love legal jargon. Oh yes. Come to us for contracts. And fine print.

Yes. We understand. This is what we are pretty sure of. Yeah. But yeah, it should be clear as you sign up. But yeah, if you do it on your laptop or web browser, we're pretty sure that will mean you don't have to pay. Save you some cash.

But like Jess says, maybe you want to give cash to Apple. Yeah. I don't think you can probably do that. You can do that in more fun ways. By like buying their products. Exactly. But this you won't get anything extra or less if you pay that 30% search. So you may as well just do it in your browser. And then if you want to listen to the bonus episode or anything like that, you won't you won't get anything extra or less if you pay pay that 30% So just you may as well just do it Do it in your browser and then if you want to listen to the bonus episode or anything like that

You don't even need the app You can they give you an RSS feed when you sign up on the bonus level and then you can copy and paste that into your Apple podcast app or Pocket cast so whatever your podcast app is and that way the episodes will just come in as probably this one is right now Hmm, and we make it easy. So hopefully that all makes some sense. Some, yep. Anyway, yeah, feel free to, you know, message us if it's confusing, although I don't know

if I'll be able to explain it any better than that. But it'll try. Yeah, there's blogs. Dave was on Reddit. All right, so anyway, if you want to support us, patreon.com slash jingle on pod. And if you have done that and you're on the Sydney Schardberg level or above, you get to give us a fat quote or question in a section of the show we call fat quote or question, which has a jingle that goes something like this.

Fat quote or question. She always remembers the thing. She always remembers the thing. I was going to hold that note for like heaps longer, but you interrupted. I just want people to know that I was actually capable of holding that for way longer. Well, I just want people to know you're welcome. So yes, if you're on the Sydney Schomburg level or above, you get to give us a fair quote or question. You also, if you're on that level, you get the bonus episodes, you get the ad free feed, you get pretty much everything.

Access to the Facebook group, you get it all. And there's other levels that get most of those things as well. It's all explained on the website. Yeah. And speaking of the Facebook group, it was Candice Harrison who's been keeping track of Matt Misremembers Things. Oh, any chance you could read some out? Absolutely. Thank you so much, Candice. Doing very important work.

The first one from episode four is Matt's guess is I am Sparta. What was he talking about? 300. Pretty good. That American movie about a bar? Coyote Ugly. And Dave knows. He can break the code.

This could be- Sometimes. We should make this a Patreon bonus game where one of us reads out the thing we have to try and work out what we think he was- That bow and arrow lady and the mockingbird? Katniss Everdeen. Yeah, there's some good stuff in there. Fluffy? Talking about furries?

Oh, Fluffy, that's close. Fluffy's is pretty good. Anyway, yeah, there's a lot. And more to come as you continue to say ridiculous things. Okay, yeah, Candice has posted that in the Facebook group if anyone's interested. All right, so we've got four great supporters read out here, facts, quotes, and questions.

They also get to give themselves a title. First up, we've got Jesse Napper, who I believe is a first timer in the quote or question section. Welcome along. Welcome, Jessie. Welcome. And Jessie's title. Jessie with an IE or just an E? Jessie with an EY. Oh! Yes. I don't, I like that. A new spelling of Jessie's been unlocked.

I actually, I need to type that out so I can just look at it. J-E-S-S-E-Y. Oh! I don't, I like it. I like it. Yeah, I think they've got the best of both worlds. That's great, Jesse, you nailed that. Yeah. Jesse, AKA Wallet Inspector, don't worry.

I probably won't steal your money, wink, wink. Oh, great. I don't have any money in there anyway. If you could put money in, that'd be great. That's not the Wallet Inspector. Jesse's got a question and it goes like this. Hello, long time listener, if you consider four years long time.

Yes, I absolutely do. I'd say six months, I'd be like bloody hell. A full Olympia, my goodness. First time caller, if you consider filling out a Google form, a phone call. I do. My question to you, you've just been cast in the Auntie Donna biopic, biopic.

Wow. Who would you play in the film? Michelle Brazier. I've got the pipes. Yeah. You kidding me? As in your legs? Is that what you mean?

Two solid pipes. Beautiful pipes. Yeah. Answering their own question, as we always invite them to do. Yeah, thank you, Jessie. Jessie writes, I probably play the antagonist of the film, Manu of My Kitchen Rules fan, who in the film is suing the Aunty Donna boys for Zach's unfavorable impression of him on their podcast.

Thanks for all the good times, good laughs and random bits of knowledge. I don't know what to do with the do go on has given me. I've listened to the podcast so much that I think your voices are permanently burnt into my ears in a non-creepy way of course. Sorry about that. Until next time, ta ta and farewell. Ta ta and farewell. Okay, so we're casting ourselves in the Antidote by ourselves. We don't have to play one of the main three, that's what I thought we were going for. Okay, but if we did, a Brodenie, because I can get the depth. Okay.

I think you guys just can't do. The character depth. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. What am I, a Mark? Could I be, like, could I play myself? Yeah, you're in that world.

You could probably play yourself. I could play myself on the episode of World's Worst. Yeah. Guessing game. You've been on a bunch of those things. Oh, that's good. That's good. You're much more familiar, I think,

with their lore than maybe me and Dave. Can you maybe cast us? I don't know if that's true. I used to be a fan. Now I'm a foe. Well, you could be, I mean, you could play yourself also. You're Matt in a hat with a cat.

Oh, that's true. In one of my favorite sketches of theirs. I would much prefer like Brad Pitt or someone, not Brad Pitt, someone. You'd rather. OK. To play me in that role. Oh, I see. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Dave, who could you be? Could I be like their assistant, Dave? Yeah. Oh, my God. Is he the guy who looks like young you?

No. Who's that guy? Oh, there's a guy that works here at Stupid Old Studios. Oh, I see. I think his name is Dave. Yeah, it is Dave. And I've said to him, you look like him. But I don't think he works with them, does he? Oh. I think he might do his own stuff.

Oh, I thought he did work with them. How does he? I don't know. I don't know. We don't know what he does. Should we find out? Yeah. Should we talk to somebody in the building?

Bring him in. Bring, ah, but if... I'll be Zach. All right, yeah, great. That's a good one. OK. That's a fun one. Zach's the fun one. Yeah, I don't think I could pull it off. No Oh yeah, great. That's a good one. Okay. That's a fun one.

Zach's the fun one. Yeah, I don't think I could pull it off. No God, no. I think if I, yeah, I don't think I could. But would you give it a go? Yeah, I could be, I could be brod and more likely cause he just sort of, he says, Hey, I love airplanes. Yeah, true.

Where are you flying to? You could be Tom. You're very musical. I'd love could be Tom, you're very musical. I'd love to be Tom. Tom would be good. And Tom is an angel. Yeah, you would be a good Tom. Sweet, beautiful man.

You've got the skills to play Tom. Big fan. Big fan. Can I be Sam? That's a big compliment to say, play Tom. Can I be Sam? I don't think you could play Sam. I know, I don't think I could, but this is fantasy land. Oh, okay.

I just want the wardrobe, and can I take the wardrobe home? Oh my God, yes. The wardrobe and the facial hair. He's the sharpest dressed man in the stupid old studio building. He's the sharpest dressed man in Australia. In Australia, okay. And he's also very nice.

Yeah. And funny. Yeah. So yeah, okay. So I don't, again, I'm not saying I think I could be any of them. Yeah. But I think if I,

aspirationally I'd love to play Sam, just to get the wardrobe. OK, I'm going to stick with playing Jess Perkins. Tailored pants. Right. And I'm assistant Dave. I'm mostly in B-roll, you know, I'm in for a day and I'm into some background shots and stuff, but then I'm out. But I get paid quite handsomely for it and I get to go to the premiere. I think Mish should be fun to play.

I don't think I could pull that off either. Oh, I couldn't play Mish. No. Absolutely not. But again, I could play Michelle because of the singing ability. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Mish would be too much of an acting reach for me. I think, no, couldn't do it. I think Mish, can I, is the only one who can play Mish. Agreed. Thanks so much, Jessie, for that question.

And hopefully we've answered it to, you know, the level that- Fantastic spelling of your name. Big fan. Congratulations. Congratulations. And yeah, great, great work on the role of Manu. Next one comes from Damien of Long Island. Oh my God.

You know what I found out recently? That is literally just a Long Island. Whoa. I told you about it about a month ago. Yeah, I remember. How many video episodes? I remember. I don't listen to you. Damien video episodes? I remember. I don't listen to you.

Damien's title is Eater of Ice Cream, player of video games, mother of dragons. Whoa. That's a powerful title. Might be a bit too powerful actually. I'm a bit intimidated here. Damien's also got a question. Also writing hello all what? Whoa.

Love everything you guys do and I'm eagerly awaiting your US tour. My question is, if each of you had a royal announce, of what accomplishments, big or small, would they announce about you as you're introduced publicly? You can use my title as an example. Thank you. Can we hear the title again in a royal voice though? Ahem.

Do do do do do! Welcome Damien of Long Island, eater of ice cream, player of video games, mother of dragons. Oh, I like that. That's very good. That is good. I think I would go for David Warnocky, 2019 Brumby's Gourmet Pie Guy. Oh, that's nice. You don't need multiple after that.

It's like. The gourmet pie guy's here. Yeah. The GPG. Holy shit. I think I would have, can I have the trumpet and then I'll do it? Jessica Perkins, 2003 year seven high jump champion. Whoa.

I didn't realize that. Holy shit. How many stamps you get for that? Few stamps, baby. I beat the realize that. Holy shit. How many stamps you get for that? Few stamps, baby. I beat the tall girls. Really? Were you flopping? I was doing-

Oh, you're scissoring. I was just doing the flop. Thank you very much. Yeah, which can get you in trouble. When you flop, that often is the thing that takes the bar down. Yeah. But-

What about you, Matt? I am trying to think of something. Yeah. Da da da da! Footy Tip Office Champion 2016. What? Why don't I know these achievements you both had? What the fuck? You've been holding that off from us.

I think I got like 120 bucks. Whoa! Dave got 10 grand for being a pie guy. Is that true? Was that 10 grand? That is crazy! That's why we made him buy a Sealand member. What the hell? And thank you again to everyone who voted for me. Oh yeah, you could be the... you're a lord of

Sealand. That could be one of them too. Lord of Sealand! And I was a lady, right? Yeah, you're lord and lady of Sealand. Thank you. We've got this... 10 grand! Yeah, don't you remember? You got a frame certificate. He did buy us frame certificates.

We can't argue with that. He framed them and everything. That is... Cost of fortune. You have lived such a blessed life. Hasn't he? It's crazy. That's not the first competition he's won.

Winner of a trip to Mexico through Taco Bill 2016. You and Jeff just floating through life. That was a few years later. I'm actually due for a new win actually. It's been a while. Most people don't get one of them in a lifetime. I can't even get a football team at Barrett for to win something. Maybe it's because you won it too much. Yeah, I was like, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, I guess I could be the, or my cargo. I guess. I think you have to be a bit more aloof about the saints. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

Whatever. I don't mind. That a pretty good, pretty good trade period. Got in, got in one of. See, this is it. You're caring too much. Oh my God. Yeah.

Yeah, I've never paid attention to a trade period in my life. I can't name three players. It wasn't even that good of a trade period. We got a, we got a great old player. Oh my God. Yeah. You fucked it. You fucked him again. Next one comes from Jacoby Austin D'Angel, okay.

Giz head of the podcast in brackets disputed. I think I was the one who disputed it. Classic. Well, my friend Erica who listens to this show I caught up with recently, she goes, can I be the Giz head of the podcast? I used to live with one of them. Okay. I think she might have outgizded us both.

Well done Erica. Oh yeah, that's pretty cool. Um, Jacoby has got the title. Oh no, sorry. That was the title. Jacoby is not doing a fact or a question, actually doing a dispute settlement slash suggestion. Whoa.

I don't think we've had a dispute settlement before, so this is exciting. Cause yeah, for anybody new, you can be anything really. You can be anything. We believe anything really. You can be anything. We believe in you. Your fact, what a question can be anything. It doesn't have to fall within the constraints of facts, quotes and questions. We've had recipes, we've had jokes.

Suggestions, jokes. We've had brags. Brags. Anyway, did you guys hear what I'd say Matt, Jess and Dave? On my last FQQ, Matt said, we would have to fight over my title. Well, I'm here to settle the score, mate. Oh, okay.

Sorry, sorry, I jumped in ahead. Holy shit. First, the question of how many times I've seen King Gizzard live. As of this writing, five times plus two more coming up in November. Second, Matt inquired if I have listened to every album back to front, can now confirm at least three to four listens per record. Wow. Some upwards of five or 10.

Five or 10. Upwards. So if you're doing upwards, it's five. Upwards of five. Mate. But others are 10. So he wants you to know that some of them are actually pinks. But on a low end, five.

Yeah. But some of them. It's pretty exciting. There's also three to four on all of them. So it's all of us upwards of three. Yeah. I don't think you've really scratched the surface of three spins of an album. Because we did a count recently there.

What? They're up to 25 albums? Yeah, yep. 26 this year. A lot of albums. People listening are probably, oh, they probably formed in the 70s. No. That's since 2012.

As well as many, but not all of their demos, bootlegs and live albums. All right, you win. I have most of those on vinyl and almost always have their discography on shuffle in the background. You've almost got their discography in the background and you've only listened to their albums upwards of three times. This isn't adding up, mate. I'm just gonna- Stop picking fights, man.

I'm just putting it out there. Honestly, the band kept me sane most of the time as I started school and worked in a hospital throughout the pandemic. Finally, I'd like to suggest some giz to you guys. So let me know what albums slash songs of theirs you've enjoyed. And I'll give each of you something new to listen to.

For now, I'll suggest some Giz adjacent stuff. For Matt, the Murlocs. Why am I getting Melbourne band suggestions from California? I know the Murlocs! Getting real defensive. I don't think he knows the Murlocs at all. Name one song. What about track one?

Track two. Oh, I love the Murlocs. I didn't say I love them. Nah, I do like them. I just looked it up. They do have an album where there is a track one, so you've got us there. Well done. God, he's good. Yeah, and it's a great track. Um, what is he?

All right, yeah, Space Cadet. That's a good song. I mean- Do you want to keep reading the fact-quota question? Um, let me see. All right. Yeah. Space cadet. That's a good song. I mean, do you want to keep reading the fact quarter question? Matt, can I just say calm your farm from 2023, read their albums. Great track. There might've been a self title track. I don't know.

I'll check for you. Great track. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm just being, I'm being silly. The murlocs live at the Teragram Ballroom. This is Ambrose Kenny Smith's Pet Project with Cook Craig joining on base. They are a bit of everything.

Garage, R&B, punk, soul and blues. Sold them in Sacramento. I'll go to the Kings if they still exist. During this same tour, and they blew me away. Fave tracks are living under a rock, which is what I've been doing. And rolling on. That's what I do.

For Jess, Pai Pai, Inside Outside. This is Cook's solo project. Cause they haven't done enough stuff. No. Cause man they've got to. More. Yeah. Cookie loves a whimsical tune

and he really loves writing songs about his French bulldog Homer. Including one of the tracks I will suggest. Fave tracks are Agoncourt Bay or Agincourt Bay and Best Friend. Also the new single Lords of Lithium for his upcoming October release is so fun. It can only be described as a bop. For Dave, Heavy Moss, this is the bass guitarist Lucas Hartwood's new project. They've only released two singles, but have announced their record Dead Slow will be out by the end of the year.

They're not perfect. Oh my God, that's brutal. Whoa, what? The biggest fan of the world. Everyone else, I guess, we're assuming everything else you've said is perfect. But there's a kind of moody vibe about them that I like and some really good bass. The tracks are called Summer and Morning Milk. Hope you all enjoy. They sound moody. A song called Summer? I'm assuming moody.

Yeah. Morning Milk. Oh, there's nothing moody than that. Well, thank you so much. I- Love that. Love suggestions. I'll check out Heavy Moss. I want to hear songs about French Bulldogs. Cause I don't know if you know this, but I have a French Bulldog. What? I know. What are the chances? Well but I have a French bulldog. What? I know. What are the chances? Well done, Joey.

That's crazy. I don't talk about him much and I don't post about him much because I find him really dull and uninteresting and I don't love him and he's not the best thing that's ever happened to me. So it's crazy. Yeah. What a coincidence. Young Blindness. That's the album of the Murlocs I played a lot. Back in 2016, my problem is I nearly only listen to new music. You are so defensive. Which is- It's actually so embarrassing.

No, it is annoying because I'm always trying to, I mainly listen to my album playlist from that year, but it also means I'm always hip, I'm always now. Yeah. I listen to brand new stuff that you've never heard of. I rarely look back. Oh my God, you're disgusting. You're a disgrace. Oh, bruschetta. Bruschetta.

The worst is one time I ordered bruschetta, which is well, not like that. But I said bruschetta, which is correct. And not like that, but I said bruschetta, which is correct. And then the person went, uh-huh, bruschetta. And I was like- That's awesome. I was like, you stupid bitch. It's bruschetta. You cannot win with Jess. You're either, you're pronouncing it too well

or not well enough. I had the same when I ordered beetroot on a sandwich and the lady goes back to me, oh, you want some beetroot? I'm like, no. Beetroot. What she's saying and how she says it. Yeah, I think you're wrong on that one. That's okay.

Yeah, you're wrong on that one. You're a pretentious asshole on that one. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is the same situation. Who am I doing a podcast with? You two are nightmares. I think I'm just hungry. The final one comes from-

I'd love some beetroot right now. Oh my God, I've already had some today. Also, she didn't have an accent. I don't wanna do the accent, which is fine. She just says it in a different way. I've already had some today. Also, she didn't have an accent. I don't want to do the accent. What's this? She just says it in a different way. Beetroot. Yeah.

Also, she was Australian. Yes. Oh, no, that's gross. She can fuck off. Thank you. It's not beetroot, you idiot. I think it's whatever you wanted. Shut up, Matt.

You know what she meant. You're wrong. She wasn't correcting. No, it sounded like she was correcting me as well. Okay, maybe that's annoying. Wrong. Let's kill her. Final one comes from Isabel McTeer. Sorry, who's it from?

I spoke over there. Isabel McTeer. Hello Isabel. I believe not the first time. McTeer is fun. Okay, official do go on pet portrait scrapbooker. No, seriously send me pet pics. No.

And I'll make a digital scrapbook. No, I'm not sending you pet pics. He has his own Instagram. Seriously. Figure it out yourself Isabel. I am hungry, I'm not sending you pet pics. He has his own Instagram. Seriously. Figure it out yourself, Isabel. I am hungry. I'm really sorry. Dave, have you made a...

I mean, it's so funny for someone who's made an Instagram account for their pet, who's having a go at anyone about pronunciations or anything a bit... Oh my God. Which is why I'm... She has been trying to warn me that she's hungry. I couldn't... I've said it like three times now. You need to say the words red zone. Okay.

Red zone, man. I didn't realise until the way you looked at me. Yeah. That I shouldn't fuck with you right now. Normally I'm very cool. I know. And you're always welcome. You're always welcome people to have digs at your...

What's Isabelle saying? All right. Can't wait to hear it. Dave had something to say, didn't he? No. Hey everyone. This one's a heartfelt thank you. Oh, that's nice.

I don't think we've had a heartfelt one before. No. Writing. On Mother's Day 13 years ago, we went to the pet store to get my mom a hamster for her present. This sounds like a weird gift, but I promise she loves hamsters. We ended up leaving the pet store with a small dachsh, dachsh, dachsh, dachshund.

With a small dachshund slash border terrier puppy that was on clearance. We both, we both thought, hmm. Just trying to imagine that. Dachshund, like crossed with a border terrier. Interesting. Keep reading. The thing that stood out to me was you can buy a pet on clearance. Like they're in the bargain bin.

That's very strange. But that was because of her mixed breed status. This was the first dog we ever had in our family, our firmly cat loving family. That's a cute dog. I had a cat named Romeo and I didn't feel I needed a dog. My mom named the puppy Juliet and gave her to my brother. That's cool. Had Romeo and Juliet?

I was 16, a junior in high school, and I had just gotten extremely sick. I ended up missing six months of school and was so weak, I couldn't even walk the 12 feet to the bathroom without resting halfway. I had a few surgeries and started to feel stronger, though this entire process, sorry, through this entire process, Juliet was my protector and my comfort. Sleeping curled up against my neck, licking away my tears

and watching endless hours of West Wing with me. Most days, the licking of most of most days, the licking, most of, most days, the licking away my tears. You know, when you get in a loop on one line. Yeah. Just, you can't use paragraphs, it's just a note for something. Somebody writing something so heartfelt,

and you're like, okay. And also me, like, just struggling to do a basic thing, like read line after line and putting it back, maybe formatting could be... This could have been avoided. I'm so sorry. Most days, the only joy I had was watching her play outside. By the time I started to feel better,

it was clear she was my dog and not my brother. She had picked me. Yes. From this point forwards, we were inseparable. It was her and I against the world. When I was kicked out at 18, she lived in my car with me until we found a place to stay. She was my only family. At 20, I moved 1,200 miles away from the only town I'd ever known, and of course, Juliet

was there with me. I grew up and created a life for myself that I'm proud of, and she was the center of every choice I made. I didn't do anything unless it benefited her as much as me. Last year, Juliette got sick. For three months, I got to return the favor from all those years ago and become her nurse, her advocate, and her comfort. She passed away in the home we created together

while I held her and told her how much she meant to me and how loved she was. The grief was overwhelming and I was struggling to find any joy. At this point, I was a casual listener of Do Go On and one day, about six weeks after she passed, I had put it on as some background noise. I don't remember the joke but I suddenly realized I was laughing. Not the fake tinny laugh I'd been using to get through social situations, but a real laugh until your sides hurt laugh. This became the light in my grief. I would listen to your podcast on my way to work so I could go to my customer service job with a real smile on my face. I listened while doing chores and

in my home was filled with laughter again. Your podcast helped me chase away the sadness and focus on all the joy that little dog had brought into my life and how much joy there is still in the world. A much more fitting tribute to her than my tears which she would always look away. I still miss her every day, but now I can focus on the love and joy she filled my life with and not the void she has left. I wanted to find a way to say thank you and tell you that your laughter has brought joy back to my life even though I'm a world away. The words, thank you don't feel to be enough, but I hope a Patreon membership in Juliet's honor can start to

show my deep gratitude to your work and how it helped me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. One for each of the hosts. From the bottom of my heart. I'll take one of those. Yeah, thank you. Middle one's mine. Oh my God. That was a roller coaster. Well, thank you so much. Did you hear? I almost got emotional in the middle there. And that's never happened before. I was, I instantly felt ashamed. About having a feeling? And I said in some way, you knock that off. You knock it down.

Oh, my God. Oh, Isabelle. So lovely. And thanks for sharing that with us. Thanks. You should not have been for us, but for your frickin' awesome dog. Yeah, that's so lovely. Oh, Isabelle, so lovely and- Thanks for sharing that with us. I mean, the thanks you should not have been for us, but for your fricking awesome dog. Yeah, that's so nice. Thank you. What dogs rule- They are the best. And they mean so much to you, so condolences completely, but it sounds like you had some

incredible times together. Yeah, what a life you had together, and it sounds like she was a great little companion for you and you gave her a really good life, which is just the best. Please, yeah, if you feel like it, give us a post of you two together. Yeah, show us some pics because I've Googled the breed and they look cute as shit. Let me tell you. Yeah, they're sort of like a little bit furry. Oh my God. That's really good stuff. That's a real classic dog. Yeah. You know, like a ragamuffin dog. Yeah. And Juliet's a great name. You've nailed it on all fronts there. Oh my God. Yeah, that looks like my cousin's dog. dog. Ragamuffin dog. Yeah. And Juliet's a great name. You've nailed it on all fronts there.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it looks like my cousin's dog. Mr. Morty. Morty. Morty's still alive. We just haven't seen Morty for a while. I haven't seen Morty. See you around Christmas. So, I'll see you again soon, Morty. Please hold on.

Morty. Morty's an old dog. Thank you so much to Isabelle, Jacoby, Damien and Jessie. Next thing we like to do is thank a few of our other great supporters who are on the shout out level or above. This is the ass prod level or above. Yep. And yeah, Jessie, you normally come up with a game to play

as we read out the names? I'm gonna name their horse. Hell yeah. And how are we gonna do that straight from the top of your dome or? Actually, I found this little thing on fantasynamegenerators.com. It's a horse name generator.

Yes. Wow, so we're on episode 473. I'm saying that for my own benefit. So how should we do this, D-Dub? Jess is gonna do those. Do you wanna do the names or the places? I'd love to do the names. Okay.

He just, I just watched his eyes scan them and he sort of went, well, there's one in there. I'm glad he's doing. All right. Uh, I'd like to change my answer. I like to, oh, sorry. You're going to say the name there? I'll say the place.

As we have always done, Dave. This fucking guy. Um, How are we doing this? How are we doing this thing we've done for nearly 10 years? How are we doing this? The same way we've done it for 400 episodes or whatever. It's nine years. How are we doing this? Innovate or die. And you know what I would choose?

I know. You just roll off that hill. All right. See you later. Come up with something new or roll off this hill. Bye. Bye. Hooray. I'm done. Did not even hear the end of your sentence. I'm walking away.

All right, first up, love to thank from Rose Meadow in New South Wales here in Australia. Thank you to Lorena Luxford. Oh my God. And your horse, Rapid Sparks. Oh my God. That's a powerful combo.

Yeah. Actually though, Jess, I'm going to have to say, you're going to have to do all 16 horses for each person. Are they one, two? One to 16? Yeah, yeah, they're all called Rapid Sparks. That's why it's Sparks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's Rapid Spark. One, Rapid Spark. Two, I was just pluralizing it. From Centralia in Illinois, perhaps in the United States, it's Tim Moore.

But I'll say their nickname. Oh, my God, sorry. Medic 59, Medic 59. Nine years we've been doing this, Matt. Nine years. We are a well-oiled machine. Innovate or die. Well, you know why? We've been doing it for nine years. And nearly every time it's been.

You do the whole thing. Yeah, okay. We understand, but it doesn't mean we can't mock you for it. And- You have an Instagram for your dog. I'll kill you. Tim Moore, Tim Moore's boss.

Dandy. Oh, Dandy's a good one. How good's that? Dandy one, Dandy two. I'm gonna take out Dandy three today. Thank you so much to from Bankshire Grove in Western Australia. Hello and thank you, Rachel Parsons. And Rachel's horse, Topanga.

Pretty good stuff. Topanga. Topanga, that's a powerful name for a horse. I've got a really good one coming up. I'd love to thank from Kelmscott in also in Western Australia. This is a very short name, this one. Just Kat, K-A-T. And Kat's horse, Sweetfeet. Oh my god. Cat on a horse called Sweetfeet. What a combo.

How cute is that? Now that's an Instagram I'd be following. I'd follow that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wouldn't follow Goose LaFrenchie. Oh man, I probably should. I do like looking at photos of Goose. Goose LaFrenchie. That just does feel like a thing that you should be made fun of though. Oh, absolutely. From Liverpool in Great Britain, I'd love to thank... Jamie Elliott. Could that be the dancer? Is that something? Is there a Jamie or is that a footballer? Are you thinking of, yeah, yeah.

Is it Jamie Elliot? Or is that a football? Billy Elliot. Billy Elliot is the dancer. Jamie Elliot is the footballer. Jamie Elliot, who of course plays for your team, Collingwood. That's why I just knew you were mistaken. Yeah, because I was like, no, Jamie Elliot. I mean, he dances around the opposition on the field before snapping a beautiful...

He's a ballerina on the field. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jamie's horse is called Sparkle Flash. That's good. It's pretty good. Are you sure you're not in the My Little Pony naming generator? Once again, I will kill you. Next up, oh, god, this either side of this one was rough. From S-Hertogen Bosch in Nord-Brabant in maybe the Netherlands, Dave? Yes, hello and thank you to Niles Dehaan or Nils Dehaan.

As it turned out, you made the right call there. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. I can't believe that it does start with an apostrophe. Yes, that's quite the town. And Nils' horse is Caramba. Oh, aye. Aye. Caramba's a great one. Uh, yeah, aye Kurumba.

Fantastic. From Taupo. Oh, I've been to Taupo. Beautiful spot, New Zealand. It's. Gemma Korin. And Gemma's horse, Masquerade. Oh my God.

How good's that? That's sick. It's wearing a fun little mask. It's definitely wearing a mask. Yeah, it's really cute. For sure. Uh, next one, actually from Address Unknown. Oh.

Where do you think they're from? I can only probably assume, deep within the fortress of the malls. It's Gavin Shepard. And Gavin's, uh, Shepard's horse is called Charmer. Oh. Ooh, Charmer. I like that. Charmer. Oh, Charmer. Charmer. I like that.

A real Charmer. But it's ironic, like said by an old someone's dad. Oh, real Charmer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, jeez. Is it Charmer? Because they said dickhead or something.

Oh, it's about a 14 year old waitress who's just doing her best. Oh, jeez. What a Charmer. Yeah, that's cool. Delivered with a smile. Not. And finally also. She's charmer. Delivered with a smile. Not. And finally also. You've just been paid $5 an hour, Dad.

Shut the fuck up and drink your coffee. Also from address unknown. Again, can only assume from deep within the fortress of the moles. Hello and thank you Scott Penfold. And Scott's horse, Blue Angel. Oh my god. You love blue. I love blue.

Blue Angel. Good one. Blue Angel. Oh my god. I love blue. I love blue. Blue Angel. Good one. Blue Angel. Thank you so much to Scott, Gavin, Gemma, Niels, Jamie, Kat, Rachel, Tim and Lorena. Lorena Lux it is so fucking all those names are fantastic. And the last thing we need to do is welcome people in the triptych club. But can you believe this? I can't remember last time this happened. No one who signed up three years ago is still a member on the shadow level. What? Or hasn't been. David. Certainly hasn't been. Settle down.

Sorry, I'm genuinely shocked. You know, they maybe have come and gone or something. But anyway, yeah, so no triptych club this week. All right, great. Well, I had heaps of really good stuff ready. And now. Do you want me to make up a name or something? No. All the people that are already in, they get to enjoy it, but no new people. Oh yeah. We don't induct new people. I've still booked a band. We set up a party. I've still booked a band, for god's sake.

Yeah, but we're not telling anybody about it. Oh, okay. Because there's no one new here. Dave, can you tell me the band? They're pretty good. I actually... You're never going to believe it. Because we still have an after party. What? Everyone who's already in, there's a thousand odd people in there. They still have the party. I've booked. You're never going to believe it. Can we still have an after party? Everyone who's already in, there's a thousand odd people in there.

They still have the party. I've booked. You're never going to believe it. What have you done? Filipino underground band, The Mongols. Whoa. Which is an offshoot of the vocalist of Eraserheads, which is Filipino's best selling band ever, regarded as the Beatles of the Philippines.

Whoa. That's a great get. That's a great get. It's a great get. Great get. So we got the Mongols. It's like having wings there. That's basically having wings. The band, the Beatles, could have been.

Huge. So yeah, normally for people who haven't listened before, we normally induct a few people who've been on the Shout Out Live or above for three straight years, but yeah, this week there are none. Jess normally has some behind the bar, but yeah, this week there are none. Jess normally has some behind the bar, but she probably just has a night off. I'm not telling you anything about it. Me and Dave will still party. Yeah, I'll lift a party.

Dave on the decks at the after party. Can't wait. So bring us the end of the episode. Aww. Is there anything we need to tell people before we go Jess? Yeah, that we'll love them. And we're sorry about everything. We're sorry.

Okay? Yeah. We've only been doing this for nine years. Yes. We're still figuring it out. Basically our first day. And really, since we stopped editing ourselves, I think we no longer- we no longer self edit as much because someone else will have to worry about it. Yeah. So if there's something that said that you don't enjoy, it's AJ's fault.

Yeah. And we were being ironic. Also, yeah, we were being ironic. And everything I've ever said is alleged. That's right. If you would like to suggest a topic, you can. There's a link in the show notes. It's also on our website, which is dogoonpod.com, which is a great place to go, book market, to find out about live shows and all the other wonderful podcasts we do on our network, including Bookcheat.

Who Knew It with Matt Stewart, Prime Mates, and others. Oh my God. Listen now. Listen now. There's really one other, isn't there with Matt Stewart, Prime Mates and others. Listen now. Listen now, there's really one other isn't there? And On The Road. On The Road.

Again, with me and Nick Capper. That one is still... I mean, Dave and I never approved that being on the, in the network. So that's interesting. There was not a meeting had. But yes. Should I, I mean, I'm happy to. I'm happy to, you know. Go solo on that one.

Or just delete it from the internet. You can also find us on social media at dogoonpod and Dave, boot this baby home. We will be back next week with the second most votive topic in Block 2024. Crazy.

So excited. But until then, we'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye. Later. Bye. Can indigenous ways of knowing help kids cope with online bullying? At the University of British Columbia,

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