Doug Loves Movies - Bert Kreischer, Sarah Tiana, Trey Galyon and Aaron Kleiber guest
Episode Date: July 2, 2018Live from the Rex Theater in Pittsburgh, Doug welcomes Bert Kreischer, Sarah Tiana, Trey Galyon and Aaron Kleiber to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Pr...ivacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Doug hates candy wrappers, squeaky babies, sticky seeds
With 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth
There's still not one that he won't see
Cause Doug loves movies Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
My name is Doug, and I love movies.
This is I Love Movies.
Yeah, buddy.
Coming to you...
Remove that, man.
Coming to you from the DVE Comedy Fest podcast stage
at the Rex Theater in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!
Oh, this is good. This is good.
They had Welcome to the Rex Theater, Doug,
written in pretzel in the room upstairs, so thank you so much for that.
And then a fridge full of Tito's.
So, it's true, you guys.
102.5 WDVE rocks.
It's Saturday, June 30th, 2018.
It's been a minute since the last time
we did a Douglas Movies in Pittsburgh.
So that means you guys have had plenty of time
to make some awesome name tags.
Let me see them, please.
And thank you. Holy crap.
It's all coming back to me now.
You're a little too into making name tags
in Pittsburgh.
I mean, Ross, Boss Robbie,
instead of Boss Baby,
could you turn around and show people
the amazing Photoshop work you did on that poster?
You guys are going to be blown away.
Look at how he made...
I mean,
it's just, it looks like the
real deal.
It's a really
good one.
And then we've got two Anaconda
posters, but one's
Anna Jonda,
and the other's Brandyy conda very good job you
guys space balls just says space balls I get it no there's a G in there page is
your name spage balls and I'm offended by 12 years of Dave. I've got to be honest.
I don't think a white dude should make a sign.
With, I don't know, who's that kissing me on the poster?
I don't think that's appropriate either.
Was that movie romantic?
All right, well, thank you to everybody for bringing those.
Oh, there's a light-up one back there.
The lights don't help me to read what's on it.
It just makes it look like you've got a big square light-up thingy.
Doug plugs, next Saturday, July 7th,
Doug Loves Movies returns to the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio at 4.20.
And then after that, I'm going to go to their stadium
and see Taylor Swift.
And then on Sunday, July 8th,
I'm doing stand-up at Go Bananas in Cincinnati at 4.20,
followed by a Douglas Movies taping later at 8 o'clock.
So you can quite literally get drunk and high with me
in between the two shows.
Because we just go
to a place that's real close by.
The parking lot.
And then...
No cops!
And then...
Tuesday,
July 10th, it's my annual
Dabs Day show. That's going to be a stand-up
show at the Ann Arbor Comedy
Showcase.
And of all places, Comedy Showcase
Michigan.
Also coming up, shows in Salt Lake City,
San Diego, Reno, Montreal,
Traverse City, Michigan, and
more. For deets and links,
go to Douglovesmovies.com.
That's Douglovesmovies.com!
Yeah!
Yeah!
My apologies are going out to anyone.
This is from the apologies department,
so I don't have to take complete credit for it.
No, I just wanted to apologize to anyone.
The shithead on the last episode was the now slang,
the verboten slang word for a trans person, a trans individual.
Yeah, but it's, I still am going to say every once in a while, oh, holy shit, you dropped
your tranny when I'm talking about a car incident. But in this particular case, I read the shithead
and I should have just censored it myself, but I thought well I got to read whatever they told me to say so
This is also a message to everyone out there. Please don't make me say that
And I'm sorry once again, it only takes one angry treat to tweet to get me to apologize these days
Only one person reached out. So thank you to everyone else for having a little
bit of restraint. And, you know, I even laughed before I said it because I was like, what
a fucking stupid thing. But that's what I should have said instead of laughing. I just thought Louis C.K. said, you know,
that they laughed when he started masturbating.
Like, I laugh all the time when I'm uncomfortable and sad.
Oh, shit, I should have saved that for a special or something.
All right, so, oh, my God, so much to do, so little time.
I've got a sticker.
Somehow this landed in my hands.
I don't know why.
It says Space Force on it.
You know Donald Trump's Space Force?
It's a Space Force sticker, and it's him sticking his head out of a...
I think it's an X-Wing fighter.
I've got a Smug Life
comedy
CD.
Jurassic World stickers.
A recent guest on the show
Adam Hirschman gave me a movie
called Zen Dog
that he is in.
I'm realizing now I should have maybe kept that. He's signed it and everything. It's real nice. I thought this was a lighter. It's body lotion. We've
got some other body wash, so you could lotion and wash
a Douglas movie sticker
one of the greatest things I've given out this year
somebody handed me this at my last gig
in wherever the heck I was
it's a cassette tape
classic format
you'll go out of your way to be able to play this somehow
because it's Juice Newton
Greatest Hits.
Fucking Juice Newton,
you guys.
That is such a good name
to say with a deep voice.
Was she a real
Juice Newton type?
And there it is you guys yeah
I'm not going to say what it is because
Tommy Chong got arrested
and jailed for
transporting these in the state of
Pennsylvania
so I'm
going to zip it
and I'm going to bring somebody to the stage.
I've got four great guests that got here
despite issues with airplanes and Ubers.
Everybody's here.
But then another person that's here tonight
that's in the city who's a regular on the show
but has to go catch a flight,
I asked him if he'd come out and just talk to us for a few minutes.
So let's please give it up for Brad Williams, everybody.
Brad Williams, please come to the stage.
There he is.
Thank you.
That is a long walk for someone with tiny legs.
Holy shit.
No, it was a long walk for me, and security was so good that I was like,
hey, maybe I should be in front because I want to walk faster than this.
But they got great security.
I'm sure they're used to crazy rock crowds here.
And so they...
Exactly.
Yeah.
That sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure
that's what I'm going to hear
right before I die
is someone just going,
Slayer!
Like, I'm pretty sure.
Also, I think this show today,
I know there's only
two of us on stage right now,
but this probably isn't
the greatest show
to try a comedy at.
Because...
I won't try it.
Because five professionals will rip you apart.
Oh, okay.
I thought you were saying that to me.
Yes, Brad, could you be fucking serious for a minute?
Is everything a joke with you?
I was like, oh, I didn't know this was a memorial show.
No, thanks for coming up here and saying hello to everybody.
Yeah, of course.
You had a killer set last night in the stand-up show over at the Biome Theater.
Thank you.
Yeah, that was a lot of fun.
People were there.
All four of them saw it.
Everyone else was like, I don't know.
I don't trust you on that.
And you went on the DV morning show yesterday with all the comics that were on the show last night.
That rarely happens.
Yeah, Rory Scovel, Sarah Tiana, myself, and Bert Kreischer.
Have you ever done radio with Bert Kreischer?
Mm-hmm.
It is an experience.
First of all, I don't know if you know this.
I don't know if any of you know this.
Bert Kreischer does not like to wear a shirt.
I know.
That's like breaking news.
And that's fine.
Bert's hilarious.
But then when he stands up,
my head is his belly button height.
So I was like,
all right, there's your lint.
Which is going to be my catchphrase on my sitcom. all right, there's your lint. Which is going to be my catchphrase on my sitcom.
All right, there's your lint.
You're a bellboy in a nudist
colony.
It'll get a huge
ovation every time I say it.
It'll be my did I do that. It'll get a huge ovation every time I say it. It'll be my, did I do that?
It'll be great.
Yeah, so your flight is delayed today.
Yeah.
That's why we get the pleasure of having you here.
Yeah, so thank God my flight was delayed.
Yeah, right?
Exactly.
I'm never anxious to leave Pittsburgh.
I like it here.
It's a great city.
It's a great city.
It's a very efficient city.
Most places, they serve you a sandwich,
then the french fries are on the side.
Pittsburghers are like, no, fuck, we're busy.
So they put the french fries on the sandwich,
and they're like, eat it all. Carbs. Go fuck yourself.
And I like that.
And you're very efficient when it comes to your sports teams.
Yeah, because it's all black and yellow.
All of them.
All of them.
Every other place, you're like, all right,
what colors am I allowed to wear?
What are people feuding with?
It's like, black and yellow.
Yeah, they have a fun song to help remember it.
Black and yellow, black and yellow.
I think like three guys just got hard when you said that.
You're like, yeah.
Black and yellow, that's right.
Ooh, Ben Roethlisberger.
Sidney Crosby.
I don't know anyone
on the Pirates.
I was trying to do something
from every team
and I go,
I don't know anyone
on the fucking Pirates.
I knew McCutcheon
and then he,
bye.
I got four comics
that are now all going to be fighting
to not have that seat.
Don't do that. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Glad the Slayer guy approves of my joke.
I appreciate it.
Would you ever go to a Slayer show?
Have you been to a Slayer show?
I don't think I've been to one, but I'd go.
I've been to some metal shows.
I'm not against the idea.
I like them in stadiums.
Yeah.
Because then the sound goes into the sky instead of into my soul.
Why don't you want Slayer in your soul, Doug?
No, you're going to the Taylor Swift concert.
My ears.
Yeah, Taylor Swift, that's all very pleasant.
It's loud, but it's pleasant loud for me.
I mean, now, are you a fan of hers?
Do you like...
No, I just go to her shows.
Just look around everybody.
What a bunch of assholes.
You like this.
You like this.
You go see your shows ironically.
No, I keep a super low pro
when I'm at a Taylor Swift show
because, oh, that's a good rhyme right there.
Because I, you know,
I'm just too old and too male to be,
I have no business really.
Just stay home and listen to it, you creep.
But she puts on a really good show.
I go see all the ladies who put on a good show.
I've seen Brittany and J-Lo and Cher,
all those ladies in Vegas.
I see their Vegas shows.
I'd see Celine Dion's.
I'm just never there at the right moment.
Sure.
Now, when you go to the Taylor Swift show,
do you hire...
Wait, are you interviewing me now?
Yeah.
Is this Brad Loves Music?
Yes!
You've been hijacked on the podcast.
No, I'm just very...
Let's cut to the games.
We've got to keep it moving.
I'm just really curious,
because you're a single, older, white male
going to a Taylor Swift show.
Do you hire a kid to go with you
so it's like, that's my daughter?
Or do you just show up and be like,
all right, hopefully they don't think I drive a van.
In Seattle, I had to go to the very top of the stadium
to find the one place in the entire stadium
that was selling vodka.
Because they didn't even care about
selling alcohol to that crowd.
That's how young that crowd is.
But I found the one bar that was open,
and the bartender was like,
Tito's?
And I was in heaven.
Yeah.
Because she knew I liked Tito's already.
And I don't know what the point of this story is.
Oh, just that you had to be 21 to get in there.
So I was hanging out with the point of this story is. Oh, just that you had to be 21 to get in there.
So I was hanging out with the adults pre-show.
And then once the show started, I found a seat where there was nobody.
I found a whole row that was empty.
And I just sat in the middle of it.
I just pictured you by the bar. And it was in the back of a section.
So there was no way for me to bother anybody.
I could dance.
of a section, so like I could,
there was no way for me to bother anybody. I could dance.
I would pay so much money to see you dance the Taylor Swift.
I know how to shake it off.
So,
but back to you and
this brief interview, because I just
have one question for you. Oh, one
question. Yeah, and that is,
what was the last movie that you saw, Brad Williams?
If you stuck around, that's a question I ask everybody when they come to the show.
So what was the most recent feature film you saw in any format?
In any format.
Because a lot of us watch shit on planes a lot.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Well, the last movie I saw, I watched it for the second time.
It was on Netflix.
It's the National Lampoon movie with Will Forte. I saw, I watched it for the second time. It was on Netflix.
It's the National Lampoon movie with Will Forte.
Oh, yes.
It's a hard title to remember.
Yeah.
Stupid and Feudal Gesture.
Yeah, which is a great, it's a great movie.
I still got to see that, but, you know,
every time I watch Animal House,
I get sad because that guy fell off a cliff.
Yeah.
Spoiler alert.
I mean, okay, let me tell you how Lincoln ends.
You asshole, I've been saving that.
I'm almost done with Titanic.
Don't ruin that one either.
Titanic, unfortunately, that's how that movie begins.
It's a long road of water.
So, and it's the second time you saw it, so you recommend it.
Yeah.
And it's a lot of fun in spite of the fact that it ends sadly.
Yeah, I thought it was a really well-written comedy.
I thought the jokes were really good.
It's cool.
I got some friends in it, so I get to see them play famous people.
I know Rick
Glassman's in the movie.
Joel McHale's in the movie.
I thought they did fantastic.
Chris Redd. I'm just naming
people. You don't know if I know them or not.
Lyndon B. Johnson was in the movie. I don't know if I know them or not. Yeah, yeah. It feels like...
Lyndon B. Johnson was in the movie. I don't know.
Feels like you're stalling, but
that's all I needed from you.
That was the question I wanted to ask you.
And you gave a great answer.
And we're all going to check out that movie
if we haven't already.
Where are you going next? Let's do your plugs.
Plugs. I'll be appearing at the
Montreal Comedy Festival,
coming to the Omaha Funny Bone.
My podcast is called the About Last Night Podcast.
We just had Sandra Bullock on the podcast.
Oh, neat.
Yeah, Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock.
Did you tell her you have a friend who loves movies?
Didn't cross my mind.
I'm sorry about that.
Damn it.
It's like anytime somebody gets a great guest on a podcast,
sometimes they end up suddenly being on all of them.
Like a publicist just puts them on all of them.
But a lot of times just somebody gets one
and that's the only one they do.
Yeah.
Like I still haven't gotten Obama on any of my podcasts.
Son of a bitch.
He smoked weed.
He would love you.
I'm telling you.
He knows a lot about movies.
He likes food.
He could be on any of my podcasts. Or I'll just do one-on-one sesh for Doug Loves Minis. I don telling you, he probably knows a lot about movies. He likes food. He could be on any of my podcasts.
Or I'll just do a one-on-one sesh
for Doug Loves Minis. I don't give a fuck.
Speaking of minis, Brad Williams, everybody!
Oh,
you beat me to the joke. Awesome.
Thanks, everybody. Thanks, Doug.
Thanks, buddy.
I'll see you in Montreal, actually.
Yeah, that's
good news that he's going to be in Montreal. actually. Yeah, that's good news that he's gonna be in Montreal.
Oh, now he's gotta touch everybody going up the aisle.
That's so gross.
They should just have a Purell stand right at the end of the aisle.
I'm going out the back way when it's over, you guys.
All right.
Let's get the actual, the four people
that were expected to be here
and actually made it up to the stage.
What do you say, Pittsburgh?
Let's do this.
That's my old stand-up hosting skills coming back.
You know, you got to say stuff like that,
get people fired up.
But also keep your talking to a minimum.
And give it up for Aaron Kleiber,
Sarah Tiana, Bert Kreischer, and Trey Galliol.
Thank you all. Tracer and Trey Galeon.
Yeah, so you're here. What the fuck is happening?
They don't like my shirt.
Oh, okay.
Because it represents a city on the other side of the state
that has a lot of sports teams.
I got to tell you, man.
One of them is the current world champion.
What?
I can't hear you.
Nobody likes a fucking pirate.
Everybody loves a good stealer, whatever those are.
I'm terrible at sports humor, so let's get out of this
Trey could you please take off your shirt
and hat like the gentleman next to you will probably
do in a few seconds I don't want to
take his thing man
we can all go shirtless up
here how about
you wear Bert's shirt
when he takes it off okay that's fair
yeah then people don't have to sit there and look at that stupid pee.
I mean, I got another shirt I could go get.
No, that's all right.
Sarah, you want to switch shirts?
All right.
This is...
Okay.
Settle down, everybody.
We have to meet all you guys individually and get you separate rounds of applause,
starting with Sarah Tiana, everybody.
I do want to say that I do feel like Brad Williams
and Ben Roethlisberger have the same size head.
I feel like he should be a Steelers fan
for no other reason than that.
Then they can wear the same helmet.
Yeah, see, nobody booed that because it was fun.
Yeah.
And probably true.
It's very true.
No, yeah, everybody here loves accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger.
Not convicted.
You know, I'm a Falcons fan, but I went to Georgia,
and I appreciate that y'all named your field after Hans Ward.
I think that is the coolest thing ever,
and I'm a huge Hans Ward fan, so go Steelers.
Doug is hating this.
That's called pandering, and you should learn how to do it.
In Pittsburgh? Nah, I'm good.
Who invited that?
Shut up until spoken to over there.
But Sarah did stand up last night here at the festival,
and it was a great set, and this guy agrees.
And you stuck around an extra day just to participate in this,
so thank you for that.
You're welcome. Thank you for having me.
Also joining us on the stage,
Pittsburgh comedy phenom, Aaron Kleiber!
Aaron Kleiber!
Aaron Kleiber. Aaron Kleiber.
Were you on the Lost episode from Pittsburgh?
I don't know.
Yeah, the bad audio one.
Yeah, there was a really bad audio one.
It sounded like we were underwater or something.
Yeah, it skipped me winning.
You won that one?
I don't know.
I think as a player in the games,
you get less confident every time you come on the show.
That's a thousand percent true.
Yeah.
I'm like, I don't even know what the games are anymore.
You'll figure it.
I mean, maybe you won't figure it out.
We'll see, but I'll talk you through it,
and you should be fine.
All right.
Okay.
Look at this.
It's hot.
Yeah, you're already sweating.
I wasn't going to mention it, because that would probably make you sweat some fine. All right. Okay. Look at this. Yeah, you're already sweating. I wasn't going to mention it
because that would probably make you sweat some more.
Jeez.
Look at Bert over there, like, cool as a cucumber.
That's right, it's Bert Kreischer!
Bert Kreischer!
Yeah! You motherfuckers.
I never, I can never get sick of seeing the hat off, shirt off, hat back on move.
It's beautiful every time.
It's so fast.
I had a one night stand.
I only had like two one night stands in my life.
And I was wearing a hat.
I don't have good hair. So a lot of guys
that wear hats without good hair,
I had met her with a hat on and we went back to her place
and we got in bed
and we were totally naked, but I kept my hat on.
So crazy.
I turned it backwards so we could make out.
This is when Limp Bizkit
was owning shit so
it was a fucking look.
So you turned your cap around
for the nookie?
I split my cap around.
He pulled it over the top to get a kiss.
Or did you do it for the cookie?
I did it for the nookie.
Yeah.
Sorry, Sarah, what were you saying?
Oh, I was just going to say,
did you ever see that Hall of Fame induction
for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame that Prince played?
He didn't sing.
He just came out and played with Tom Petty,
and he threw his guitar up.
For Ringo Starr.
Yeah, for Ringo Starr.
He threw his guitar up into the ceiling at the end
and just walks off stage.
And you never see the guitar come back down.
Joel Gallen actually filmed that.
He still says he does not know where the guitar went.
They did not rehearse it.
He did not come to rehearsal.
And he's wearing a hat, and the hat doesn't come off either.
So he has the guitar strapped around him.
He just takes it and throws it up.
His hat does not come off.
The guitar does not come down, and he just walks off stage.
And it's the coolest thing ever.
And every time Bert does that with his shirt, I think of that moment.
That makes you think of Prince?
No.
That reminds me of one time I was taking a shit, and I had to throw up in the bathtub.
No, I'm being dead serious.
I was in Aspen, and the shit smelled so bad, I started to throw up in the bathtub,
and when I leaned over to throw up in the bathtub,
I shat all over the walls.
Now, let's put a pin in that.
I take a shower, I clean up, I get out,
I walk right out, and I go to my mom.
My mom was there, and I said,
by the way, I was like fucking 40,
and I said to my mom, I said,
hey, just so you know, I shat on the walls in the bathroom,
and I'm too sick to clean it up right now,
but you're my mom, and that's your duty.
Ah, you said duty.
And it was...
And my mom came in, and she goes,
honey, it's not there.
And I don't know what happened to that shit.
I know I shit on the walls,
but the Lord took it away.
That's like when the blood disappeared in the movie It.
I didn't see It.
Well, that reminds me of the time something happened to me
that I'll never talk about like this.
Also joining us today is Trey Gallion!
Hey, Pittsburgh.
I love you guys.
Come on.
We're just playing.
And Trey always wears a hat.
He's got good hair, but he wears a hat because he likes to look like a clown.
Yeah.
You got great hair.
It makes clown hair.
I mean, it's thinning a little, but...
I bet this hat with that hair looks so fucking bad.
Oh, look at that.
Does it really?
Oh, my God. You look like that kid in Bad News Bears that didn looks so fucking bad. Oh, look at that! Does it really? Oh my god.
You look like that kid in Bad News Bears that didn't
have any lines.
I think he looks like the kid in...
Just stood kind in the background.
I think you look like the kid in Stranger Things
that has the lisp.
You look like a record producer
that doesn't sexually assault.
Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah, because he's still waiting to lose his virginity, so he doesn't sexually assault. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, because he's still waiting to lose
his virginity, so he doesn't know how.
I don't.
I don't sexually assault.
Occasionally inappropriate things come out
of my mouth, but not my dick.
Out of my pants.
You look like you're about to guess
my weight.
Let me see there.
175, I'm guessing.
No.
No, give me that big stuffed animal, you dummy.
It looks like he's about to go up to a wooden fence and go,
son, get your paw.
I'm here to collect the radishes.
That's Kyle Kinane's joke about me.
No way.
Swear to God. I was just going to compliment you on burnt radishes. That's joke about me. No way. Swear to God.
I was just going to compliment you on burnt radishes.
That's a fun word.
Ooh.
Francisco.
That's a fun word to say.
I'm sweating.
Aw.
That's cute.
Nobody's sweating with my hat.
It's okay.
Let's talk prize bag.
I know Trey flew in for this today
Yeah
So what were you able to bring us?
So I brought a Grav Labs
t-shirt
and then
one of their bubblers
Oh
Yeah, it's a pretty cool one
which you're going to need to use before you listen
to my album The The Moronic,
because that'll help.
Wow, this is like a
showcase showdown, the way you put that all
together. Yeah, yeah.
But the Tito's is not for you.
It's for me. Sorry.
Oh, you brought refills out here
with you. Yeah, I figured that was
a pretty smart thing to do.
Oh, you guys are fucking smart. Yeah, right?
Doug, it's your show.
I'm sure you could request another
drink.
You can have half.
And Doug takes the Tito's.
You think you'd outwit the Fox,
huh?
You thought that was
a gift bag. It's just Bert's cooler.
Sorry, person who doesn't have a gift.
He doesn't have a gift bag now.
Bert was an Eagle Scout, always prepared.
I was always going to bring it back.
For a second, you were a stealer.
Good job.
Pandering motherfuckers.
I liked it.
Okay, so
what do you got, Burt?
I bought a
4th of July party pack.
Let's start
with a lottery ticket.
Who wouldn't want to be a millionaire
this 4th of July?
I'll tell you who wouldn't. A guy with a big dick.
Magnum condoms.
I got some snowballs.
I got a Bose.
This isn't...
Not Bose.
But for the audio part of this,
it's a Bose wireless Bluetooth
speaker. A pack of Swisher sweets. But for the audio part of this, it's a Bose wireless Bluetooth speaker,
a pack of Swisher sweets,
some cupcakes, red, white, and blue,
a can of Skull Mint Long Cut,
some rolling dice,
a bottle opener,
and the other half of the Advil
that I didn't take.
That's all yours.
That's my stepdad starter pack.
I love it. I mean, I'm normally
saying Bert is no day at the beach,
but today, he brought
a day at the beach.
A hell of a day. Yeah, pass that over, please.
That's so exciting.
I love this bag. I bought myself
a lottery ticket, too, but if you win,
I'll give you mine because I'm not going to be here to collect it.
We split it.
That's fair. So now you have two lottery tickets.
You have two lottery tickets. Dude, you are sweating
so much on your back.
That's amazing.
I'm happy. It's because I'm an athlete. That's amazing.
I'm an athlete.
It's just like glistening.
I'm like a dolphin.
No, you're not.
The glisten, yeah.
A corpulent porpoise. I think there's a dolphin in the audience, actually.
Oh, it was just you?
Sure. Hold on, just you? Sure.
Hold on.
Hidden skill?
Wow.
Was that you, Sarah?
Yeah.
I like how you like.
That's it.
That was it.
Doug still got it.
I'm good at animal sounds.
That's pretty good. I could fucking do noises into mics all day.
Yeah.
I got a really good, ready for my jaguar.
That's it.
Yeah, I know.
I feel good about it.
That didn't sound like a car.
What?
It sounded like the sound at the Panther Stadium,
at Carolina Panther Stadium.
It's like, first down.
This is an impression of my buddy's parrot.
Ah, he makes me suck his cock.
Ah!
No, it's not.
Hey, Bert,
I forgot to mention
that, you know,
you started drinking
for the day,
and you said backstage,
and I totally agree,
you can be drunk on podcasts,
and you're doing your podcast, the Burtcast,
in this very venue tonight at what time?
I don't know.
I think that is a perfect way to start.
Get drunk and worry about the details later.
I love that plan.
I want to say, and somebody in the room must know,
I want to say 9 o'clock.
It's at 8.
It's 9.
Oh my God, you guys can't even agree.
They're not leaving.
Because some people probably bought tickets where it says doors at one time,
show at another time.
Other people bought tickets that just say the show time.
That kind of thing happens all the time.
So just stay in your seats.
But there's going to be a nice... the show time, that kind of thing happens all the time. So just stay in your seats. And...
No, but there's going to be a nice...
We're going to be done about
six, so
there'll be a good break for you guys to
go do something else if you want to come back
for that and see...
I'm sure Bert will have drinks in between
shows. Yeah.
So his show's going to be a good time.
Is there anything else you want to say about it
to convince people to come back?
I haven't prepared for it at all.
That's the way I like it.
Apparently I like chaos, my therapist says.
So it should be fun.
Special guests will be on it, Sarah and Doug,
and we won't repeat any jokes we said tonight.
Today. We'll be drinking the same thing.
We'll be just as drunk
and I will apparently lost weight,
water weight in this.
It's a little warm up here, isn't it?
It's very warm.
It's dripping into my butt crack.
I took my jacket off.
Confirm butt crack sweat.
And that's unusual for you
because... It's not. my jacket of. Confirm butt crack sweat. Yeah. And that's unusual for you because?
It's not.
I play with my balls
when they get sweaty
so much
that my wife
then smells my beard
and goes,
have you been playing
with your balls?
Because I like this
and then you play
with your beard
after you play
with your balls.
It's a natural progression.
Yeah.
I've got one
that I could add to that
that I am going
to keep to myself.
I'm going to add that
to the relationship goals.
But remind me
to tell you that one later
because it's a good one.
Really?
Yeah, you'll like it.
All right.
And then you can tell it
all you want.
I don't care.
I know what I'm opening
my podcast with that one.
That's a teaser. And then you can tell it all you want. I don't care. I know what I'm opening my podcast with that one. That's a teaser.
What do you have for the prize bag, Sarah?
I think it's the best thing that anybody's brought.
I brought a bottle of Pinot Grigio that has been opened, but it's not been drank.
It's just de-corked so that you didn't have to take the cork out in case you didn't have a bottle opener while you were here.
Very nice.
Nice. Glug, glug, glug, glug.
I brought an edible that I've been traveling with for two weeks that I haven't eaten.
Right on.
I almost ate that backstage.
It was just sitting there on the counter.
I'm glad I didn't.
By edible, she means it's a piece of candy.
You know, it's all the rage these days, these individual pieces of candy.
It's like an
everlasting gobstopper.
Right.
I brought an
individual piece of
candy in a
Ziploc bag.
That's what I meant.
That's been
carried in a
pocket way too
long.
It's been in my
fanny pack for
two weeks.
But I'm sure
it still tastes good.
Okay,
now Sarah, can you do for us a dolphin laughing?
How about a dolphin curious?
Curious dolphin.
Okay, a dolphin having an orgasm.
No.
All right.
Come on, Bert.
There's a line.
You keep asking her in different ways.
She's not going to do it.
Eee, eee, eee.
Oh, fuck, I'm coming.
Eee.
In the car, Bert was like,
give the driver directions like you're having an orgasm.
Yeah.
It's a very weird request.
Take a right, take a right, take a right.
You say that to the pilot on the plane.
Land like you're having an orgasm.
I am sweating so bad.
It is pouring down my back.
But if you turn slowly,
it catches all the different colors.
You should have brought a beach towel for that bag
and then you could have used it.
Do you want...
Oh, I can't.
That'll come back so wet. I like the sweat. I embrace it. Do you want... Oh, I can't. That'll come back so wet.
I like the sweat.
I embrace it.
All right.
All right.
I don't know what that guy's deal is,
but you can almost set your watch to every few minutes
he yells something out,
and I don't get why it keeps happening.
Aaron, what did you bring for the prize bag?
An almost empty bottle of water?
Yes.
I brought my first album that is irrelevant now that I don't want anybody to listen to
because I hate the jokes, but have fun.
Okay.
It took you that long to get there?
We felt that way when we first heard it.
Yeah.
Oh, shut up.
I know him.
I just put a stethoscope up to it.
I didn't even open it.
I was like, I'm not, I don't want to.
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette calls you
one of the serious rising stars.
That's probably what you don't like about these jokes
is they were too serious. Serious, like the serious rising stars. That's probably what you don't like about these jokes is they were too serious.
Serious, like the serious radio?
Yeah.
Serious is rising stars.
Too serious.
Serious radio.
And is there something else?
No, that's it.
That's it?
That's it!
I apologize for going last to you
after everybody else brought amazing stuff.
Whoa, I'm struggling nowadays.
Nobody had to apologize for their stuff
and say that they hate it. Sarah would have drank that herself. I would have, I'm struggling nowadays. Nobody had to apologize for their stuff and say that they hate it.
Sarah would have
drank that herself.
I would have,
but I didn't.
Yeah.
I don't have anything
to offer right now.
But thank you, dude,
for bringing this.
Yeah, I'm trying.
And, you know,
the winner's got
too much stuff anyway,
so you're...
Yeah.
Look at how heavy that bag is.
You're helping to keep
this shit light.
Yeah, that's good.
You brought a business card.
I did.
That's what you brought.
And I do tell people,
I do tell people,
bring a thing for the prize bag.
Bring something.
And everybody just sort of
is taking it upon themselves
to bring like a whole day
at the beach
and stuff like that.
And everybody loves it,
but you know.
But you brought.
Then some guy's just got his DVD.
Yeah.
I'm not there in my life
How much cash do you have on you?
I tip the bartender
five dollars for a water.
Isn't that right?
So get with it.
I have nothing, Doug.
But she has everything I have.
Wow.
That's a little sad, huh?
Me and that lady thought so.
Yeah, I'm like, what else do I have?
Oh, boy. do I have?
Oh, boy.
Can I borrow something?
You want $20?
Can I borrow that Subway punch card to give?
Do you want to drink a little bit of this?
No.
I got plenty of stuff in my wallet we could put in on your behalf.
I was just joking around.
It's no big deal.
You know.
In fact, I already put my Disney annual pass in there.
I appreciate that.
Because it expired a couple weeks ago.
I should, though, actually.
That's not a bad prize idea.
I would just put my iPhone in there. It doesn't work anymore.
You never know.
Well, they're going to be able to hack me or some shit, though, right?
You're going to find out your blood type.
It's going to be over.
You guys are a bunch of hackers.
You guys are going to screw up his life.
Just get a little piece of information.
Next thing you know, I owe Disneyland a lot of money
I don't need that
I just felt a cool breeze
yeah me too right
it came right through here
it wasn't this high though
where'd it come from
not all of them
Burt has the grossest ideas
oh I love what you guys had for lunch.
I want to try to get sick.
It smells great up here.
All right, so I just have a quick question
before we get to the game portion of the show.
I will start with Trey.
What was the last movie you saw?
Okay, so fitting that we're in Pittsburgh,
but I know we talked about it in St. Louis too,
but I finally went and saw the Mr. Rogers documentary.
Oh.
Very cool.
Yeah. Yeah.. Very cool. Yeah.
Yeah.
I liked it.
I was hoping they were going to go a little deeper with it.
It was kind of a pub piece.
I mean, isn't that part of what the whole point is,
is that there was nothing deep about him?
He was just a genuinely sweet person
who just wanted to do nice things?
Yeah, but then they throw the stage hand on there,
the all tattooed up guy.
I haven't seen it.
But he's like, man, I got some stories I could tell.
Not gonna, but I could.
And it's like, ah, dick?
Like, that's what you want to?
Meh.
Yeah, I mean, if there's really any dirt on him,
they would have found it, because that's what documentaries do.
Right, but they spent like five whole minutes
making a point of like, he's not gay.
And it's like, yeah, I get it, he's not gay.
Like, I never wanted to find that out
and never assumed that he was at any point.
Well, that's why I'm not watching it now.
Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert, guys.
He wasn't gay? Nah.
He just liked...
Phil Kessel, though, totally gay.
You son of a bitch.
I'm kidding. I love Phil Kessel.
He's like everybody's drunk uncle that may live in the basement.
He might.
Phil Kessel is a softball home run hero.
You leave him alone.
Dude, I wish he was on the flyers.
What's happening?
Thank you.
That's a towel for Bert.
He brought a towel for you, Bert.
Thanks.
There's more than one.
Yeah, you can take the really big one.
And anybody else need a towel?
Aaron, would you like a towel? You son of a bitch.
That wasn't a very good throw.
There's three. We just keep finding
towels. You want one too?
I have my own. Now I can put
this in the bag.
Yeah, do you want this for the bag? No, I'm good
because I only sweat in my butt crack.
Wow. Yeah, so it's just always the bag? No, I'm good, because I only sweat in my butt crack. Wow.
Yeah, so it's just always there puddling up,
and I like it.
It's a natural coolant.
Okay, so Bert, what was the last movie you saw?
I'm going to have to say two movies,
because I watched them simultaneously at the same time.
Oh, what an interesting way to watch movies.
I was on a first class flight,
and there was no one next to me,
and we had one hour and 45 minutes left in the flight, and I wanted to watch movies. I was on a first class flight and there was no one next to me. And we had one hour and 45 minutes left in the flight.
And I wanted to watch both movies.
So I watched Game Night
and Bjork vs. McEnroe
at the same time.
At the exact same time.
You could watch the tennis one.
You could pay less attention to the audio
because you're seeing the tennis matches.
You know what's happening.
But I have two headsets.
And so I plugged one into one and one into the other.
And I went ear to ear.
And I watched them both.
And then, ironically, I was playing tennis watching both of them.
It was really fucking awesome.
Both of the movies are...
Game Night is hilarious.
It so got underrated, I think.
And then Bjorn vs. McEnroe?
You didn't even need to listen.
Are you saying Bjorn or Bjork?
Bjorn. I might be mixing them up.
Bjorn Borg? You should
figure out a way to just watch
movies like that regularly.
Like, do that all the time.
And then discuss how much
you love, because it feels like the
process made you love both of these movies.
Like Schindler's List and Sophie's Choice.
Yeah.
Because Game Night is also very complicated
and also jokes,
you kind of have to hear the setups all the time.
So you probably concentrated more on that one.
Game Night?
Yeah.
I did concentrate more on Game Night.
Honestly, you could listen to Bjorn Bjorg.
I'm fucking the name up again.
Bjorn Borg. Bjorn versus McEnroe. You could listen to Bjorn Bjorg. What am I? I'm fucking the name up. Bjorn Bjorg.
Bjorg versus McEnroe.
You can watch that
without the audio on entirely.
But yeah, it was good.
I'm going to watch
Battle of the Sexes
and Wimbledon
at the same time.
Battle of the Sexes
was a great movie.
I liked that movie a lot.
That's an underrated movie
for sure.
I thought that's what
you were talking about.
I've watched that one
on planes a few times
because it's very rewatchable.
I can't wait to watch a movie on the flight home.
Greatest Showman is the best movie
to watch on the plane. I will not watch that.
Yeah, there's no way you can. I won't either.
Bert can't get through it. Neither can Trey.
Because they're those old-fashioned
stupid men that
I bought the soundtrack immediately.
They don't care about
the outcasts of society. But you know, they don't care about... This is the greatest show.
They don't care about the outcasts of society.
But, you know, you don't want to read too much about the actual Barnum.
No, I know.
You got to be careful there because the movie's a fantasy.
Right.
All the way through.
Why?
Was he like Harvey Weinstein of the carnies?
With animals.
Maybe worse.
Like owned people.
Of old people?
Is that... Yeah, man. He had a circus. Owning a person worse than... Yeah, he had a circus. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. maybe worse like owned people of old people is that yeah man
he had a circus
owning a person worse than
yeah he had a circus
no yeah
plus he spent a lot of time
in Bridgeport, Connecticut
I don't know if you've been
to Bridgeport, Connecticut
I have not
yeah my mom's from there
not real high brow
so wait
he hurt animals
it's almost like
a lot of shady motherfuckers
running around Bridgeport
that's the point I'm trying to make.
So the movie is about him being friendly to freaks, and then...
He's doing them a favor by putting them to work and making them feel special.
But that's not really what happened.
No, he really wanted to exploit their freakiness and make money.
Who greenlit this fucking movie?
It's kind of like how we brought Brad Williams out here it's a whimsical musical. out here right before the show
to like
make the show seem
much more fun.
And then we
and then we sent him
to the airport
with his roller back
with no help
to put it in the overhead.
Well, that reminds me. I wonder if Brad Williams is in the overhead. Well, that reminds me.
I wonder if Brad Williams is in the overhead yet.
I would love to see Brad sitting.
He rides for free.
I would love to see Brad sitting in first class
and then like a giant person comes on the airplane
and they know they have to sit in a middle seat
and they just see Brad like dangling his legs in first class like, ah, man.
I mean, he must fly first class a lot.
He flies a lot.
No, he does not, actually.
I asked him that today.
He doesn't like it?
No, he just doesn't need to pay for it.
So why are you going to pay an extra $1,000 when everything is first class?
Yeah, no shit.
I mean, the bathroom's a hotel room to him.
Except when they're like,
you're going to have to gate check yourself, sir.
They thought he was a kid one time
and he got lost in the cockpit.
When Kevin Smith was bigger,
he and Brad would fly together and just take two seats.
One and a half and half.
If I were Brad, I'd get one of those rolling bags that folds into a bed that they have for kids.
You know those roller bags for kids that you can ride on through the airport.
And then when you put them on the seat, they fold out long ways and then you can sleep that way.
That's how those things work?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought they were just cool suitcases.
There's a fucking bed in there too?
There's also a bed.
That's not fair.
Mm-hmm.
It's pretty great.
Don't you kind of wish you had a gorilla?
You could probably get one if you want.
What?
Don't you wish you had a gorilla?
Like, I mean, I'm not saying I'm jealous of Brad,
but wouldn't it be great if you had a bigger person
that could carry you around places?
Yeah.
Like, if you had a gorilla and you were like, I'm out of here, a gorilla, and he carry you around places? If you had a gorilla and you were like,
I'm out of here, a gorilla, and he just came up and went,
and lifted you up and you're like, see you later, baby.
I'd pick Shaquille O'Neal, though.
I wouldn't take a gorilla.
He's bigger than me.
No, I wouldn't own him.
No, you're racist.
You did not say it like that.
No, it would be a friendship thing, you guys.
He didn't even think of that until you guys said, oh.
The western side of the state.
So, Sarah.
Yeah, to get off race, let's talk to the southern girl.
Yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
Last movie you saw?
It wasn't Greatest Showman, was it?
No, I saw Ocean's 8.
Ooh.
I saw that in a, I'm a hard girl, girl power family,
and we saw that with 13 little girls.
Are you really interrupting a woman to talk about
how you saw that woman movie?
It's called mansplaining.
I need to explain to her how to do it.
By the way, you were doing it for real
in the fucking car to that lady. Our driver. You know what her how to do it. By the way, you were doing it for real in the fucking car to that lady.
Our driver.
You know what? Bert will do it.
Bert will do it.
Yeah, yeah, I wanted her to listen to you
because she was, you know,
not listening to you.
Sarah had just made a joke about how women can't drive.
I made a joke.
She really couldn't drive.
Okay, and not to,
but my driver that I said I was having problems with was also a woman.
Oh.
Well, okay, now answer me this.
To get here from the airport, do you got to cross any fucking river?
Yes. Yes.
Shut up, Trey.
Same river twice, though?
Yeah, actually, yeah.
You see?
I would say no and yes.
That's why stereotypes are fun,
because they're not facts,
but they are based on facts.
That's why they're fun.
But when you treat them like facts,
you're a fucking problem.
Anyway, I saw Ocean's 8,
and it was really good
but it wasn't funny
and I was really bummed about that
because all the ocean...
It was dry.
All the lines were dry.
Nothing to laugh out loud about.
Yeah, and it was just like
a super ego,
like we're tough
and I'm like,
yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're supposed to be tough
and fucking witty.
Like that's the whole point
of being Danny Ocean.
And then James Corden comes in.
He's trying too hard to be funny.
Yeah.
You know, it's just like, also, shouldn't this movie be over at this point?
Yes.
Why do we have to sit through the...
Way over.
Anyway, I don't want to say too much if you still haven't seen it, because it is as good
as the Man Oceans movies.
So if you like those, you will like this.
You will like it.
It's as good.
But you're not going to laugh as much.
And I don't believe Cate Blanchett eating as much as I believe Brad Pitt eating.
You know what I mean?
George Clooney doesn't make you laugh that much either.
No, but also I couldn't stop staring at Sandra Bullock's top lip because it wasn't moving.
And I was like, no, not you, Sandy Bullock.
You know?
She did that for the character.
Yeah, it was a great story.
And she looks fabulous.
Because they do that in prison now.
Yes.
She got that in prison instead of a tattoo.
The first scene is her in prison with full makeup.
And I'm like, get the fuck out of here.
All right.
I'm already out.
Hathaway gets a couple chuckles.
Yeah, she's got some chops
she has
she has comedy chops
for sure
but she
she also
like her lines
were funny
because she was
being a bitch
and I didn't really
like that
I'm like
I want them to be funny
because they're not
an asshole
oh maybe
yeah
I just kind of
kindred spirits
or whatever
like Al Pacino
Al Pacino and Andy Garcia got to be really cool guys
that were the villain of the piece.
But anyway, I'm saying too much
because it's a movie full of surprises, supposedly.
So, Aaron, what was the last movie you saw?
This is a super nerdy movie answer,
but I've been watching the films of screenwriter Stephen Sousa.
Let's beat him up.
I'm not kidding.
Dude.
I just watched Ricochet.
Trey doesn't even know
who you're talking about.
No.
The guy makes the most,
like, it's all action movies.
It's all the kind of shit
you probably like.
Stephen E.
He's got the E in there, too.
Yeah, yeah.
Because, you know,
that's how you decide
how to watch,
you know, what to watch.
So, Ricochet So Ricochet.
Where Denzel Washington gets
drugged and raped.
That's right.
Is that who made that?
That's a great fucking movie.
Weird time to say that
after what I said about it.
It makes you horrified
that anybody can screw with your life.
If nobody got raped by a woman.
And Kevin Pollack is a...
Rape me by a woman any day.
Kevin Pollack is a...
See, I laugh nervously when I heard something awful.
No?
No.
Kevin Pollack does impressions.
He's his partner.
He's his cop partner.
And to entertain Denzel, he does impressions of movie actors.
Which he does normally.
And it's odd
because it's like suddenly
a guy's just doing his act
out of nowhere
in a movie.
That's exactly his act.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But his impressions are great
and he's a great actor.
I hear he's really great
on The Marvelous Mrs. Mimazel.
Ooh.
There you go.
There's a couple people
who like it.
So yeah, that's where I was at.
Oh, so Ricochet.
And you liked it?
It's a little messy.
John Lithgow's the bad guy?
He's,
it's,
it's,
it's,
it's no Dexter season four,
but he's pretty good.
Right.
But what is Dexter season four?
Right.
Can we be honest?
When you really think about it.
Yeah.
All right,
you guys.
Terrific answers from everybody.
I watched,
I watched half of Lady Bird on the flight from Chicago to here.
Cause I love that movie.
Would I like it? It's so good. I liked it. Yeah. You'd like it. It was cool. Lady Bird on the flight from Chicago to here because I loved that movie. It's so good.
I liked it.
Yeah.
It was cool.
Lady Bird was good.
You would like it because you have daughters.
It's a movie about women that boys can actually watch, you know, not be too upset about.
It's entertaining as shit.
Yeah.
It's good, though.
I like that.
Nothing's as good as Hostiles from Oscar season.
I think Hostiles was the best movie.
And it's on Delta right now.
Why are you so into that movie?
I thought it was Christian Bale's greatest work.
I thought it was like,
he said so much without saying anything.
And it was so impressive.
Okay.
Nobody else agrees.
But I think...
Yeah, still not sold.
I think his greatest acting moment
is when he's talking to Catwoman
in Dark Knight Rises.
And he's in the middle of a sentence and she disappears.
And then he says to himself, so that's what that feels like.
But why does he have to use the Batman voice when he says it?
Because he's alone.
It's so true. Did you see Jurassic World? That would have been hilarious. Because he's alone.
It's so true.
Did you see Jurassic World?
That would have been hilarious.
And if a comic has said that, I can't credit them because I don't know if I got that from somebody
or if I just thought of it.
I mean, I've thought about it a lot,
but you know how you're not absolutely sure?
Right.
I might have heard somebody say that and went, yeah,
and then had my own version later.
So apologies to that person.
If that person exists.
For some reason, I have a real strong Pete Holmes vibe
because he went on and on about everything that was wrong
with the Christopher Nolan Batman movies.
Yeah, he really tore into them.
He's got a lot of funny YouTube clips
from him making fun of those movies.
Oh.
All right.
So speaking of Dark Knight Rises, let the games begin.
Pittsburgh, bring your name tags out of the shadows.
Lots to choose from.
Can someone please get me a tall beer, like a PBR?
I'll pay for it when I get done.
Oh, that's a good deal.
He'll buy it if you take his name tag.
But, you know, I bet you the club will give you a free one.
All right.
Pick your name tags while you do that.
We'll do this.
We'll be right back.
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Rated E for everyone.
Back to the show.
Alright, we did it.
We picked name tags and
we are back.
And
let's start down there with Trey. What'd you come
up with, Trey? Okay, I got
the bad news
Jairs.
I'm assuming your name is
Jerry or some shit like that.
Jeremy? Yeah,
alright. Variation of. But doesn't
Trey look like the curly haired kid that doesn't
talk much in Bad News Bears?
When you had Bert's
hat on, I mean. Anyway.
But it's got Bert and Doug on there
too. Yeah, and a big old bottle
of Tito's. Yeah, buddy.
Which reminds me.
Because that's one of my favorite movies
is the original Bad News Bears.
Like, how badass is that movie?
Such a great movie.
Yeah, look, you're on there.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, man.
Yeah, Bert's famous
O-Face pose.
That's the one where the microphone's like on a chain and you're...
Oh, I love that.
Yeah, I wish I'd never taken that fucking photo.
Sorry to bring it up, buddy.
Who are you playing for?
I am playing for the Station A grant.
Did I say it right?
I did it mostly because tomorrow my flight's at 7 in the morning
and they don't serve alcohol in Pittsburgh.
And he taped little bottles of booze on it.
And now I can put those in my backpack and make myself a little roadie
and get on the plane and smile.
So thank you.
Is that a thing?
They don't serve booze in Pittsburgh airport?
No, not until like fucking 10.
And also, this is a weird thing.
TSA gets into shows at the Rex for free.
Stop.
And so some of them are here tonight.
No.
No, you can totally make yourself a cocktail in the airport, not on the plane.
Oh, okay.
In the airport.
I don't know why I said TSA, but I think it's illegal.
I know you can't have your own alcohol on a plane anymore.
No, you actually can't.
That you open and drink.
You can't make yourself a cocktail on a plane.
But you can make yourself a cocktail at the airport if they're not serving it.
And then you're not supposed to bring it on the plane, though.
No, you can.
No, you can't bring it on the plane.
It's fine.
Because they don't know.
It's just in a plain cup.
Yeah, I put mine in a coffee cup in the lounge.
Like in Houston, you could buy a beer
and then just straight up walk onto the plane with it.
Yes.
Dude, Chicago's the best.
They're like, take it up to the gate,
and they literally kill it before you get on. You're like, take it up to the gate. And they literally like kill it before you get on.
You're like, go, go, go, go, go, go.
I never make that noise no matter how fast I'm drinking.
I was on a flight going from Tanzania.
No, from Tanzania to Zanzibar.
Oh, shit.
Is that a song?
And I go, hey, do they serve booze on the flight?
And they're like, no, because Zanzibar is a Muslim country.
But you can get bottles of beer
and take them on the plane,
and I brought fucking three in each hand.
Bottles, and they were tall boys,
and walked onto a plane like an orangutan,
just fucking murdering bottles of beer.
And I got in my seat,
and I thought I was in first class.
I wasn't.
Luggage was in front of me
with a net in front of it,
and I was like,
gong, gong, gong, gong, gong.
Oh. luggage was in front of me with a net in front of it and I was like gong gong gong gong gong Okay so that's two Bert is playing for
and
I'm playing for
I didn't say turn the show off Bert because he's here
and we all know he's not
anxious to get to the game part
Sorry Sarah
I'm playing for Dan Poole.
Because?
Because I just wanted to grab a sign from the back.
And you're not particularly a Kit Kat fan?
Yeah, I like Kit Kat.
Because there's a lot of Kit Kats on there.
But I like that he made a few pictures.
Yeah, a little flip book.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, Bert is dead with that on his face. You've got to see this. Oh, that's nice. Oh, Bert is Deadpool.
You gotta see this, Bert.
That's haunting you.
There, and then that.
Deadpool is Dan, but really it's Bert.
I love that.
I also like the idea that Deadpool has other superheroes, and one of them
is, their superpower
is luck, which
I think is also
Kevin Hart's superpower
so I think it's fun.
Secret time?
We talked about that ad nauseum
at dinner last night.
He should thank Cat Williams
and whoever put the gun
in his suitcase.
I bet Kevin Hart's
real secret power
is putting guns
in people's suitcases
before they shoot a Matthew McConaughey movie
so he can book the fucking part.
I love that you say secret time on a podcast
that's going out to the world.
Like, that is not secret time.
Secret time is when we're at Eddie V's
and no one's recording.
That's secret time.
Yeah, this podcast does all right, Bert.
People can hear this.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
I know.
They know not to share it.
It's a secret.
They can hear it
and then they just go,
great, I won't tell anyone about that.
You think Kevin Hart listens to Doug Love movies?
Just as long as we don't get him to know.
You know, no one's listening
when you start a conversation with,
this is what I heard on a podcast. You've already lost them. You know what no one's listening when you start a conversation with, this is what I heard on a podcast.
You've already lost them.
You know what I mean?
Like, everybody has their podcast they listen to, and you have friends that listen to the same podcast.
Yeah.
But, yeah, it doesn't, it's not a good conversation starter with people who don't listen.
Who are you playing for, Aaron?
The Courtney-est case of Benjamin Button.
Okay.
It's Courtney.
Bert and I already traded the booze that was taped to it.
Oh.
Yeah.
Wait, you wanted these and he wanted...
I can have the bourbon, right?
He already snacked my Tito's.
Oh, okay.
But I can have the bourbon.
And we could do a shot of Fireball.
Because you said Fireball doesn't count as a drink.
That was a secret.
Is that true?
Okay.
I'm so confused.
If it doesn't count, I'll have several.
Yeah, they don't count.
It's not real alcohol.
It takes more calories to drink it than they're in it?
It's the celery of shots.
Wow.
That's so bad.
You can put your name tag on the floor.
Oh, we're not wearing them like skirts?
You don't have to wear it on your genitals. There you go. That's so bad You can put your name tag on the floor Oh, we're not wearing them like skirts?
You don't have to wear it on your genitals There you go
Watch out for those Kit Kats
They're a little melty
Okay
That's because it's 900 degrees in here
Yeah
It's not the guy's fault
It's not Dan's fault
Or Danpool, whatever
All right, I got some games prepared.
Yay!
Thank goodness.
We're starting with, you know, a favorite of most people's.
Oh, God, I am so bad.
It's called Live, Die, Repeat.
Yeah.
Of course, it's just between the people on stage.
No guesses from the audience.
I'm going to say the title of an actual film.
And then the first person who repeats it back
completely incorrectly
is the winner of this game.
We just have to repeat what you said.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but somebody might figure out what it is
before I get to the end of it.
It's just the first person to say the whole title out loud.
Yeah.
Get in the zone.
Here we go, here we go.
Look good, feel good.
That wasn't part of the title
and neither is what I'm saying now.
I know, but stop talking
because I'm guessing.
I know, right?
When you went,
here we go,
and here we go again.
All right.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Just waiting for this guy
to come back.
Okay, you're good?
The. The.
The.
The fish.
The fish called Wanda.
The fish that saved Pittsburgh.
The fish that saved Pittsburgh.
The fish that saved Pittsburgh.
Yeah, you said it first, right?
No.
No, I said it first.
I said it first.
I know what it is.
That is not true.
Do it again.
Do it again.
What's the answer? The. The fish that saved Pittsburgh. They didn't know what it was. That is not true. Do it again. Do it again. What's the answer?
The Pittsburgh.
They didn't know what it was.
One more time.
One more time.
One more time.
One more time.
The Pittsburgh.
I can tell you who stars in it.
Okay, let's do it in slow motion.
Interrupting Cal.
The Pittsburgh.
I said Interrupting Cal.
Anyway, so.
Interrupting Cal who?
This is one of my favorite movies when I was a kid Gary Coleman befriends Dr. J
It's the greatest fucking movie ever
Wait did something just kick in?
Where'd that come from?
What happened?
I have no fucking idea
What you just said, why did you think of that?
That's The Fish in St. Pittsburgh.
Gary Coleman befriends Dr. J.
That's the storyline.
I was not expecting anyone to have a synopsis
of The Fish in St. Pittsburgh.
It's one of my favorite movies ever
in my childhood ever.
I fucking love that.
I should definitely win that point.
That was straight to the point.
You know, and Bert never exaggerates.
It's one of my most favorite ever, ever, ever.
At least with that one, you threw in my childhood.
At least you narrowed it down a little bit.
I met Gary Coleman, and I told him how much I love the fish in St. Pittsburgh.
And he goes, I don't really remember it, man.
Oh, such a... I might rewatch that.
What's the old expression,
the kid from what field?
Like a player that comes out of nowhere?
Yeah, the kid from left field?
No, right field.
Right field.
Yeah.
Yeah, and then they...
It came out of left field.
It's left field.
It's left field.
The expression's left field,
but it happened...
Something's wrong about it.
Like, because they made a movie with Gary Coleman, and he played field. The expression's left field, but it happened, something's wrong about it. Like,
because they made a movie
with Gary Coleman
and he played,
he was in the right field
but the movie was called
The Kid from the Left Field
or something like that
is what I wrote
into Wikipedia
late one night.
Because you can write
anything on there.
You can add anything.
You can just make shit up.
Oh, yeah.
Look at my Wikipedia.
Yeah.
Did you know that
every baseball movie
has angels in it?
Not the team.
Field of Dreams.
Oh yeah, good call.
There's a lot of fucking dead ghosts
and angels in baseball.
And then the rookie,
there's definitely some sort of outer force
that was making him throw that hard at that age.
Angels in the outfield.
Airbud.
Yeah, all of them.
Major League. Wait, what? Joe Bud. Yeah, all of them. Major League.
Wait, what? Joe Boo.
Oh, they were the angels.
No, they were the Cleveland Indians.
Yeah, but Joe Boo isn't
Joe Boo is an angel.
What a racist name.
Fuck you, Joe Boo.
I'm trying a new format
where each game is followed by a discussion.
We really dig into the issues of the day.
Let's play ABCD's Nuts.
Calling Bert the winner of that last one because he needs it more than you do.
Yeah, I understand.
Thank you, Doug.
Thank you.
You really love winning.
I didn't even have a guess.
So I definitely didn't win.
Okay, so Bert gets to go first
in this next game. Really not that great of a prize
either, because he doesn't know what's about
to happen.
This game's called Put On Your Shirt.
You lose.
Bert goes first.
No, Bert, we're going to play ABCD's Nuts.
And that is a game where we spell something out.
I give you a letter in the word that we're spelling out,
and then you name any movie that begins with that letter.
If you match the one I wrote down ahead of time,
you win the whole game automatically.
But if you just say any movie that begins with that letter
that is a legit movie, then you get to stay
in the game.
Got it? It goes around.
I think I've played this before. Yeah, you've done it before.
I bring this one out for you.
And lots of other
people, not just you.
The first letter,
we're at the Rex Theater,
so we're going to spell Tyrannosaurus.
And I will tell you what your next letter is.
Because I know if it wasn't for, you know,
Google finishing the word after Tyran.
There's no other word.
Tyrannical came up, but then... All right, so the first letter is T, Bert.
So name any movie that begins with the letter T.
And you're first, so you really have no idea,
but there is also a theme involved.
Any movie that starts with the letter T.
Yeah.
The fish that saved Pittsburgh.
Ah, very good.
I was panicking.
I am not above doing that.
And you would have brought the house down with that win
if that turned out to be true,
but that's not what I wrote down.
I wrote down the lost world, Jurassic Park.
Yes.
All right.
I know where we're going.
Sarah's
next. She gets the letter Y.
You've got mail.
See, I like that.
Just direct answer.
Clearly understands
the theme.
After the Lost World, Jurassic Park.
I know.
How about female Ray Liotta out there?
I want to hug you after the show.
It's Lady Yoda.
What did you write down?
I wrote down Yongery, Monster from the Deep.
I don't even know if I'm saying it right.
Deep.
Deep.
the deep okay i don't even know if i'm saying it right deep r is your letter there uh aaron uh ricochet right you were just talking about it that would
have been amazing if i had written that down but uh no i went with a movie called raptor
raptor okay a is your letter, Trey.
Evoc.
Alien.
A great A movie,
but I went with Age of Dinosaurs.
Of course you did.
So we just had a curiosity.
When we're playing this game,
the name of the movie
we're trying to guess
starts with the letter T?
No, T was the first letter in Tyrannosaurus.
We just gotta guess the name of the movie anyway.
What?
No, you keep getting, everybody keeps getting new letters. We're going through the word.
Just keep going, I'll get it.
You'll get it. You're only one, You've still got one person ahead of you,
and it's Trey, and his letter is...
He just went.
Oh, he just went.
Okay, so you're right.
It was a good time to ask me what the hell's going on.
So your letter is N,
so you just name any movie that begins with the letter N. Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.. Mmm..... Never. Don't, you guys, don't!
He could really win today.
Never been kissed.
Yay, he did it.
Dude, you gotta go on Jeopardy and make the audience feel so bad
that they start helping you.
Alex, what is...
All right, so Sarah, let's...
I'll tell you what I wrote.
Oh, my gosh.
What?
Neanderthal.
Oh, that would have been a good guess.
I see what we're doing now I can't believe
Yeah okay keep going
I don't know what my letter is going to be
I forget how to spell
I went with night at the museum battle of the Smithsonian
And then the next N goes to Sarah
There's two N's in Tyrannosaurus.
I didn't know.
A never-ending story?
That's the one they were trying to tell Bert to say.
No.
I was trying to tell him never been kissed, and he did it.
I was throwing him off the scent so that I would win.
Oh, you were making kissy faces?
You'd be great on that Jane Lynch show.
I said never-ending story.
Yes, and I said
night at the museum,
secret of the tomb.
Dick!
I think I'm sweating just looking at Bert.
Firm, firm, firm. Oh. Dick. I think I'm sweating just looking at Bert.
O
is the next letter for Aaron.
A movie that begins with O.
What?
Oh, my God.
Why do you think it's...
You're playing.
I can't think of one.
I know.
Shh. Don't talk anymore, please. I'll just say... If someone's sitting next to that guy, I can't think of one.
Don't talk anymore, please.
I'll just say.
If someone's sitting next to that guy,
tell him don't talk anymore.
Oh, you already did?
Is he drunk?
Let's just get him out of here. Can we get him out of here?
We can't get him out of here?
Then punch him in the dick.
Because now he's yelling out answers.
It gets a little difficult
when the audience is yelling out answers
and they're not taking the instruction to stop.
What did you say for O?
I'm just going to say O Brother, Where Art Thou?
That's a good one.
Yeah, you know.
Sure.
Yeah.
I went with one of our dinosaurs is missing.
You fucking Googled that shit.
Yeah, you Googled the shit out of that.
I gotta say, when I thought of Tyrannosaurus,
I was like, oh, one of our dinosaurs missing is gonna be,
oh, I knew, that one came right into my head
because it's such a funny title to me.
There's a Disney movie from the 60s.
All right, S is the next letter.
S?
S.
Tyrannosaurus.
Oh, yeah.
I was going for U.
Yeah, that's the English spelling.
Fucking Space Jam.
That's the real title
in my heart.
Son of Godzilla.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Damn it.
A is the next letter for you, Bert.
Oh, I was working on O.
Are you sure?
How do you spell it?
We're spelling George Soros.
No, it's...
A.
O-S-A. Let me just give you all's... A. O-S-A.
Let me just give you all a heads up.
O-S-A-U-R-U-S.
But A is your letter, Burt.
It's not going to be Annie Hall.
I mean
they go to museums
in Woody Allen movies
oh shut the fuck up
oh I won't shut up
it's my show
is it Annie Hall
no
I don't know if they see
dinosaur bones
in any Woody Allen movies
maybe Manhattan
but I went with Adventures in Dinosaur City.
Jesus Christ.
Oh shit, that's the full title actually.
Jesus Christ and his Adventures in Dinosaur City.
Annie Hall, Lost World.
It's animated and all the characters are played by potatoes
Sarah
your letter is U
U
I said that before
up
that's a fast one
I like it
I couldn't think of any movies that have dinosaurs in them
so what I always
do for the letter U is I just said U leaves
gold.
The next letter
Aaron is R.
Damn it. No R's.
Damn.
Rashomon.
I'm just going to say that. Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
We all have different
takes on what just happened.
I know!
I know what's happening!
If we all told the story,
we'd tell it three different ways.
Da-na-na-na-na.
Yeah!
Everyone's clapping like,
I'm smart!
I just lucked out with that one.
I don't know why I know what Rashomon's about.
All right. Why are you singing that why I know what Rashomon's about.
All right.
Why are you singing that?
I'm singing the Jurassic Park theme. Oh, that's nice.
That's a nice little music bed for the...
Yeah.
For R, I went with Raptor Ranch,
which came out a while after Raptor.
Yeah, that was a tip on my tongue right there.
All right.
So, Trey, I know you've been paying attention.
The next letter is U.
It's another U.
Yeah.
So what do you think I wrote down?
Like, let's say I couldn't think of a dinosaur movie that began with U,
so I had to write something else.
What do you think I would go with?
I have a guess.
Does anybody else on the panel have a guess?
U-Boat.
Missy's gold.
No.
Trey?
U-Boat.
I was pretty confident you'd still say a different movie.
And I also wanted to trick you
because I wrote down a movie called
Unknown Island.
No, that's clearly about dinosaurs
and volcanoes and shit.
Fuck.
And rounding out Tyrannosaurus
and dinosaur movies that have dinosaurs in them.
And Uli's gold.
The letter is S.
S?
Yes.
There is a movie called that.
It's not called...
It's not Saving Private Ryan.
Let's think about it for a second.
There was a flashback,
so there may have been dinosaurs.
No, I don't think so.
No dinosaurs.
I would just like to say,
as a Christian,
I'm very opposed to the idea of dinosaurs.
No, dinosaurs happened on the sixth day, remember?
No, they did not.
Okay, so now everybody on stage,
just the people on stage,
continue guessing S movies
that have a dinosaur in them.
Ice Age?
Then Lapshot. That have a dinosaur in them. Sage. I. Sage.
That lap shot.
Not.
Snapperhead.
Sandlot.
Sandlot had a dinosaur.
We think that was the Sandlot.
Sage Wright.
Stoney.
Stonehenge.
Stone.
Stonehenge movie.
Stonewalkers.
Stoneliners.
Aaron's not even trying.
Step Brothers.
That's a good one.
Stare.
It might be like a toy dinosaur.
Strangers.
Scrooge.
Things.
I can't think of dinosaur movies.
Scrooge.
Scannidle.
Yeah, no.
It's a reach that this is a dinosaur movie.
Don't feel bad.
Step up to the streets.
Yo.
Swingers.
Suspiria.
Sicario.
Sicario.
Alright.
I'm going to tell it to you.
But slowly.
Do it. Do it.
Do it the way we're doing it.
Super Super 8. Do it, do it, do some-o. Do it the way we're doing it. Super...
Super 8.
Super 8.
Super Mario Brothers.
Super Mario Brothers.
Super Mario Brothers.
Super Mario Brothers.
Oh, that's fair.
Those stupid Koopa dinosaurs.
Mushrooms.
Super Boogaloo.
All right, so I can't stand here and call anybody a winner of that game.
So...
Okay, Raptor 1 and 2.
Raptor Ranch, if you please.
I'd like a side of Raptor Ranch, please.
That's a real thing.
Yeah.
Somewhere.
Welcome.
And doesn't Jeff Goldblum get to say in the new one,
welcome to Jurassic World?
In Jurassic World, the new one,
they hate dinosaurs, I think.
Oh, really?
They're constantly killing...
They're tired of looking at them in awe,
now they're just like,
fuck these dinosaurs.
Yeah, they're killing them a lot.
And Chris Pratt can run like a fucking
three-second hundred-yard dash.
Yeah, downhill. He out like a fucking three second hundred yard dash. Yeah, downhill.
He outran a fucking volcano.
Spoiler.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He doesn't die, guys.
It's in the trailer.
It's in the trailer.
Did you think they were going to kill off Chris Pratt?
My friend Bennett said in the first one,
like you hear the John Williams music
when you see the dinosaurs for the first time.
And in this one, they get a nice
hotel room and it's like...
Oh, no.
Dinosaurs aren't impressive anymore.
But a Hyatt...
But this has a walk-in bathtub.
Welcome to your suite
Hey Bert did you see
Hey Bert did you see
Hey Bert
Hey Bert
Hey Bert
Hey Bert
Hey Bert
Hey buddy
Did you see that
Did you see
Avengers Infinity War
Oh yeah
Yeah cause
It's interesting
you said that they wouldn't
kill Chris Pratt.
I'm not saying anything.
I'm just wondering
if you saw that movie
and also had the same thought.
Is it called Infinity War?
Hold on, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is it called Infinity War
because that's how many people
are in the movie?
An infinite amount?
Yeah, and the credits
are still rolling.
I walked out
because there's no end
scene good enough
for me to wait months.
Isn't Infinity War
also that thing
George Bush got us into?
Oh!
Pew, pew, pew!
Pew, pew, pew!
Pew, pew, pew!
Pew, pew, pew!
These are all jokes I couldn't use on the MTV Movie Awards.
Wait, Chris Pratt died in Infinity War?
Shut up!
Why do you have to do that?
I watched the fucking movie!
I asked you if you saw it,
and then I wondered if you thought they could kill Chris Pratt in a movie.
I didn't say one way or the other.
God damn it.
I gotta re-watch that.
Na na na na.
Bam bam.
Alright, what's the next game?
Because right now I'm in the lead.
Yeah, Bert still gets to go first
in a game called Last Man Stanton.
Yeah.
Woo!
All right, this is going to be an interesting one
because, you know, love everybody on the stage,
but, you know, it's very likely we come up with an actor
that, you know, wouldn't last very long.
You know what I'm saying.
I totally know what you're saying.
In Last Man Standing, we're going to get a name
of an actor or actress from an audience member,
and then I like to play along, so we'll take turns
starting with Bert and then going to Trey,
saying movies that that actor's been in.
If you can't think of one, you're out.
And a lot of times we have a lifeline
that you can call on once,
but today, as long as they're all up for it,
I want all four of the people
whose name tags you picked
to stand on stage next to you
and help you through the game.
What?
Oh, that is so awesome.
Yes, yes. Courtney. that is so awesome. Yes.
Courtney.
Come up here.
The steps are on this side,
so you might have to go all the way up and around
or get your butt close to a lot of faces.
Oh, thank God.
If you decide to shimmy down a row.
But let's get all four of them up here.
Dan.
Pool.
Oh, this is a fun game.
Let's get them all Far up here
Then guess which one
Made which name tag
That'll take too long
But
Not a terrible idea
Hello sir
So stand behind
Your corresponding
Player
He's with Sarah
Please
Please don't touch her
At all though
And then
And then you're here with...
What's up, brother? I wouldn't touch you.
In fact, let's shift over.
Guy behind Sarah.
Guy behind Sarah.
Yeah, if you could switch over to her other shoulder,
then that way she can be in Aaron's left ear,
and I'll be over here.
I'll be over here in my right ear.
And then...
Secret time.
You good with movies?
Yeah, and let's...
Okay, what the fuck are you doing here?
Okay, talk to him in a second, Bert.
Trey, let's meet your partner in this game.
This is Jeremy.
Hey, what's up, Jeremy?
What's going on, guys?
What do you do?
Inspect bridges.
What now?
Inspect bridges.
Nice job.
I saw a bunch that were all rusted out on the way over here.
Fucking killing it, Jeremy.
Killing it, dude.
Bridges of Madison County.
What?
Oh, that was in Pennsylvania, wasn't it?
Was it? I don't know.
I don't know.
No idea. I think it was West Virginia.
That's bullshit.
Wait, they're saying in my ear
that I don't have something in my ear.
All right, so that's enough talking to that guy, Trey.
You're great at it.
Bert, interview your partner.
Hey, buddy, what's your name?
Grant.
Oh, I should have guessed that from your fucking thing.
Hey, yeah, let's all go right to the name.
It's right sitting in front of you.
It's upside down, though.
So, Grant, what do you do for a living?
I teach.
Oh, what a wasted profession.
Do you watch a lot of movies, Grant?
Yes, I do.
Oh, like on a ballpark.
How much more do you jack off than watch movies?
Less.
Ooh, all right.
We're in the running, Doug.
Because I jack off way more than than watch movies. Less. Ooh, all right. We're in the running, Doug. Because I jack off way more than I watch movies.
Well, technically, I guess they're hand in hand.
Oh!
So to speak.
Technically.
Technically.
Hand in hand.
Okay.
Do you want to know more from Grant?
No, you're playing with Grant.
No, I want to hear Sarah speak with...
Dan, right?
Dan.
Dan Poole.
Is your last name Poole?
It is not.
Okay, well then that is a bogus sign.
What is your superpower?
Sales.
Wow.
Superpower.
That is a useless superpower.
He's got a gun.
Let's get sales to help.
Sales.
Sales.
Yeah.
In a leadership meeting, you just got a ribbon.
Too bad you couldn't have helped the sales of that movie.
I'm so much
better off with Bridge Inspector, dude.
He's got a lot
of free time to watch movies.
Bridge's guy.
What do you sell, Dan? Dildos?
You seem embarrassed by it.
Only on the weekends. What do you sell?
Point of sale systems for restaurants.
You sell sales systems?
Point of sales. Point of sale systems for restaurants. You sale sales systems? Point of sales.
Point of sale systems.
Oh, like register.
Yeah.
Cash registers.
Yeah, that stuff that you watch your server type into endlessly.
Yes.
To ring up your Tito's.
To ring up my Tito's.
You know what cash registers look like.
You know, Bert.
Because you've robbed them because you're the machine.
Oh, cha-ching.
Just trying to go with this improv, guys.
Yes, and?
Aaron's turn.
I'm here with Courtney.
Courtney.
Courtney.
Courtney, what do you do for fun?
I play roller derby, Steel City roller derby.
Yeah!
Voting number three league in Pittsburgh.
We all want to trade for Courtney.
Yeah, man.
So what's up, roller derby, bridge inspector, sales, whatever you do, grant.
What are you stringing?
Are you stringing them all together like a professional comic?
Yeah.
I want to talk roller derby some more.
I know.
Yeah, let's talk to her more about roller derby.
When's the season?
We're having a season right now.
We have a bout in two weeks at Pisa, which is out in Harmar,
but we were voted number three team in Pittsburgh ahead of the Pirates,
so we're after the Pins and the Steelers.
Wow.
Wow.
Like city team.
Courtney, do you have something cool to
donate to the grab bag?
Because your partner did not
donate anything good.
She's right.
My album is nothing.
I can donate two tickets
to the next bout.
Courtney!
Nice!
Yeah.
Can you beat up Bridge Inspector, dude?
Probably.
Do it.
Do it.
What kind of boots do you have, Rydell?
I'm a big roller skater.
I used to. I now have bonds.
Oh, nice. I used to. I now have bonds. Oh, nice.
Nice.
Cool.
Do you guys want to continue this conversation?
I'm not sponsored.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah.
I go hot box.
Yeah?
Some good six ball bearings?
You know.
All right.
I'm over here thinking, I couldn't keep it together with four people on stage.
And I just doubled that number for no good reason.
Good idea.
But yeah, be sure to discuss your answers quietly
when you're conferring with your partners.
And like I said before,
we're going to start with the powerful team of Bert and Grant.
Yep, we're up, buddy.
And I'm going to get a name from somebody in the audience,
and whatever name it is is we're going with it
so hopefully
this person who wrote to me on Twitter
sounds like a real
upright
smart
where is Joe Schmo
227
hey
Joe Schmo 227 why 227 that was a sitcom Schmoe 227.
Why 227?
That was a sitcom a long time ago,
but it was about a black family or something.
Yeah.
Like, doesn't seem like your kind of thing.
Your birthday's February 27th?
That's my mom's birthday.
You guys should make out.
I don't know why I just said that.
I don't know why I just said that.
That was weird.
Me and my mom should make out? Yeah, you and your mom should totally make out. I don't know why I just said that. I don't know why I just said that. That was weird. Me and my mom should make out?
Yeah, you and your mom should totally make out.
Totally.
All right, what do you do, Josh Moe?
Two, two, seven.
What?
Quality control.
Quality control?
That is very vague, dude.
This is shit.
That is awesomely vague.
This is shit.
Yeah, no, he's the guy in the circle that goes,
this weed isn't good.
Let me check it again.
Everything just across the board.
Over here at QC, we don't think
this is the level of weed
that we should be passing around.
Give me some more for further studies.
Urine-soaked alley radishes.
All right, so
what's the name
you want to suggest?
Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum, classic.
Love it.
Who doesn't love Jeff Goldblum?
I feel like I should recuse myself because he seems to have come up a few times lately,
and I got some really sneaky ones.
So, yeah, I'm going to sit this one out
and just follow along with you guys.
Starting with Bert, though, and then, like I said, we'll go to Trey next.
They're already conferring over there.
But you just need one at a time, really.
So what do you got for your first one, Bert?
Doug, Grant and I are going to go with The Fly.
Oh, very nice.
Brundlefly.
Trey?
Jurassic Park.
Okay.
Get that one over with early.
Aaron?
I'm going to do The Fly 2.
Okay, now listen.
Hang on. First of all, please don't tell people whether they're right or 2. Okay, now listen. Hang on.
First of all, please don't tell people whether they're right or wrong.
Let me do that.
And you're very wrong.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Unless there's like a, you know, they refer to a picture of him or something,
which I'm not sure about.
So would you like to change your answer?
Yeah.
I spoke so fast.
I know.
Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Are you talking about
chances, Bert?
Someone that's been given
so many second chances
in life
just by doctors.
Sarah's digging deep.
Okay, give him another chance.
Yeah, but I mean, the audience all beat me to it
by starting to go, no, no, no. But
what I was going to say is, are you sure
that's your answer? To give him some doubt
so then he had a chance to change it. So I'm still
giving him a chance to change it.
We're just going to go with the one you just...
It feels like if they're going with that early on,
they're not going to be a problem for you and Grant.
So anyway, what are you going with instead?
Oh, Thor Ragnarok.
Okay.
They are going to be a fucking problem.
I definitely never saw that piece of shit.
Wait.
First of all, it's great.
And second of all, it's great.
But that's the reason you don't see it,
because you think it's a piece of shit.
Now you've changed my mind.
I'll check it out.
Thor Ragnarok?
Yeah.
Oh, it's one of my most fun Marvel movies.
Oh, okay.
I'll check it out.
Yeah, it's the best.
See, that's how America should work.
Bert, did you ever see a movie called
Hunt for the Wilderpeople?
No.
You'll love it.
And a movie called We Live in the Shadows?
What We Do in the Shadows, sorry.
Is that about the vampires?
Thank you, but don't stop doing that.
Is that about the vampires?
Let people be wrong.
What's that?
Is that people in the vampires from New Zealand?
Yeah.
I haven't seen it, but it looks good.
Oh, shit, dude.
Hunt for the Wilderpeople.
Watch those three movies from the first one to the last one,
all directed by the same guy, Taika Waititi.
And if you don't love at least two out of the three,
I'll be shocked.
I'll watch them tonight.
Yeah, good movies.
Okay.
I mean, you don't have to do it tonight.
Jesus.
Oh, I get it.
You're going to watch all three at the same time.
I forgot about your new system.
Wally's doing his podcast.
Okay, so correct, Erin.
Sarah, did you say another one?
We have not said one yet.
Okay, here we go. We're going to say The Big Chill. Yeah, did you say another one? We have not said one yet. Okay, here we go.
We're going to say The Big Chill.
Yeah, you are.
Nice.
Did you know that that inspired a Raisin commercial?
Yeah.
I got sunshine.
On a cloudy day.
All right, so Bert and Grant, what do you say?
Grant, I'm going to give you the mic.
You drop the knowledge on these guys.
You're a teacher.
Here we go.
Bam.
Independence Day.
Yes.
Very good.
Trey and Chair.
Trey and Jer.
Wait, what's happening?
Nothing.
You two of you don't have another Jeff Goldblum?
No, yeah, we're good.
Okay, what is it?
It's Earth Girls Are Easy.
Yeah.
Good one.
Not true, by the way.
Comparatively speaking.
I tried to fuck a Martian once.
Oh, they will not have it.
They don't want any part of it.
They don't even know what that is.
They just want to probe and move on.
Aaron? Aaron and
Courtney?
We're going to say
Jurassic World
Fallen Kingdom.
Okay. I'll accept it.
Okay. Because you know
the little special names at the end where it's like
No, that's a complicated title and I'm
not absolutely 100% on it so
that felt right.
It felt good.
It's the newest one.
Yeah, so let's go to Sarah and Dan.
We're going to say Independence Day Resurgence.
Ooh.
Good after the colon work.
That was all me, by the way.
Yeah, let us know how long it's still you and you don't need
any help.
Keep Dan out of it for as long as you
can. But you should confer with him, though.
I've just figured out who Jeff Goldblum is.
Oh, so
you're really off to the races then.
Now that you know that piece of
information. Yeah, I keep thinking Steve Guttenberg.
I keep getting them mixed up.
God damn it.
That is not a two-way street
when it comes to insulting those gentlemen.
They're both very nice, though.
Bert?
No, he was not in Black Panther.
We're going to go with the Lost World.
Jurassic Park, Lost World.
Lost World, Jurassic Park, Lost World.
Lost World, Lost World, Jurassic Park, Lost World, Lost World.
Is that your final answer?
Lost World, Jurassic Park, Lost World.
Which one?
Lost World, Jurassic Park, Lost World.
The Lost World, Jurassic Park.
Is it a Lost World? A Lost World. Jurassic Park, Lost World. The Lost World, Jurassic Park. Is it a Lost World?
A Lost World.
The Lost World.
World's Gone.
It's not a particular Lost World?
Do you know of a lot of Lost Worlds?
Wouldn't they just say this is a special Lost World because it's the only one?
So they'd call it...
A Lost World.
They'd say it's... Another... A Lost World. They'd say it's...
Another...
The Lost World Jurassic Park.
Yep, yep.
The Lost World Jurassic Park.
Yeah, remember it was the letter T
when we played that earlier game.
Oh, yeah, they're right.
The Lost World Jurassic Park.
How hilarious.
Would you guys be alright with it
if I added out all of that
and he just says it very confidently?
No one will believe it.
I think people will really enjoy
that. You'll get five tweets.
They'll be like, why didn't that get a big ovation?
It got a good round of applause, but
oh, holy shit.
Okay.
So now how do you feel About me helping Aaron earlier
I'm very comfortable with it
Okay good
Trey
ID4
Independence Day 4
Is that what it was called
Wait what's happening
Right
Did you guys really
Work this out
Is that not a thing
Yeah how did that conversation go?
Shit.
I mean, didn't you and I see Independence Day resurgence together?
Oh, yeah, we did.
In Salt Lake City?
Yeah.
Yeah, and that was, you know, I think it came up that that was the second and most current one.
No, really?
I don't know how they fucking got to four already.
Fuck.
Especially considering how much that one sucked.
Except for my friends Brent Spiner and Jeff Goldblum.
Always the highlight of anything they're in.
Silverado.
Nah, you did it.
Shut the fuck up.
How did that happen?
Yeah, because my brain.
That was great.
Was that a TV movie? You're great. Is that a TV movie?
You're welcome.
Is that a TV movie?
No, it's a real movie.
Settle down.
I wanted to be a lawyer when I was a kid.
Okay, well, not a good lawyer apparently.
Bert, Bert, Bert.
I'm just working with Grant.
Yeah.
Oh, isn't it your turn?
No, no, no. it's Clibber's
Oh okay, sorry, Aaron Clibber
Courtney and I are going to go with
Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2
Why, because he's in that end credit scene?
Correct
He's in it, he's credited
He dances around a little bit
During the end credits
Alright
Sarah and Dan.
Hmm.
I'm going to say
Wild Hogs.
Wait, why are you
going to say that?
Because he's an old white dude.
Because I don't know
anything else
except for Law and Order,
the TV show.
Yeah.
Criminal Intent.
Was that the one he was on?
Yes. Yeah, okay. I'm sorry that the one he was on? Yes.
I'm sorry to say
that you and Dan are eliminated.
Yeah.
So he's not in
Wild Hogs.
Looks like you're going to have to watch it.
I mean, that would be a reason
to watch it, I think.
I don't know if I've ever
really endured.
Sat through all of Wild Hogs. And then to watch it, I think. I mean, I've never, I don't know if I've ever really endured, I mean,
sat through all of Wild Hogs.
And then they made sort of a sequel
to the same guys, didn't they?
But they didn't call it
Wild Hogs 2.
They called it Old Dogs.
What the fuck, right?
Was that right?
Old Dogs?
Fat Hogs?
What are you guys saying?
I should just do that all the time. Just repeat stuff
into the microphone and pretend the audience members are
saying it.
I'm sorry, Dan.
Hey, but don't you
want to try to convince me to let you keep
playing and have another guess? That's what everybody else
does. That's how the men do it.
That seems like cheating to me.
Yeah, women want to be treated equal.
We treat them fucking equal.
I just wanted to play fair, to be honest.
I think you're the winner today, Sarah.
Judge Doug would just declare it,
but I want to keep it a fair game.
Who's up next?
Bert?
Yeah, and Grant's got a zinger. Oh, boy next? Bert? Yeah.
And Grant's got a zinger.
Oh, boy, Grant.
So romantic.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite movies growing up.
It's brand new.
The name of the movie is called Pittsburgh.
Whoa. That's not a thing. Yep. It was a really good movie. It's brand new, though. the name of the movie is called Pittsburgh. Whoa!
That's not a thing.
Yep, it was a really good movie.
That's not brand new, though.
It's not brand new, I don't think.
We saw it last summer, me and Granted.
Took a bunch of his kids from his class.
All right.
Trey.
Transylvania 65,000.
Oh, that's like...
Jesus.
Just whip that one out. Aaron and Courtney? Trey. Transylvania 65,000. Oh, that's like... Jesus.
Just whip that one out.
Aaron and Courtney?
They took both of mine.
Oh, shit.
Those are my sleepers.
Come on, Grant.
Tough game when that happens.
Can I have one of those donuts while we're waiting?
Ooh, you grabbed me one.
Yeah, you can.
Yeah?
Yeah, come on over.
We've gone very long.
Thank you, everybody, for staying.
But we really got to wrap this up. Oh, shut the fuck up.
Yeah, for real.
No, no.
Here, let me rub this one on your back
before I eat it.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, no.
What's wrong with it?
They're full of skunk farts.
They don't have weed in them, though, do they?
No.
But anyway, why don't you guys throw some?
Because I was fucking hungry.
Yeah, throw one, though.
Yay!
You got to keep it in one piece.
Why do they explode coming out of your hand?
They're bad.
Jesus.
Don't throw that one.
Bird wants to save that one.
That's so good.
That is so fucking good. All right, that's enough.
That's enough.
Okay, one more.
Those ones, I saw those.
I was like, those are too messy.
Okay, there you go.
All right.
Aaron and Courtney are discussing at length over here.
You're giving them a lot of time, you guys.
I know.
What do you got?
They got nothing.
For some reason, I don't know why,
did he have a small part in Annie Hall?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
He's on the phone at a party in Beverly Hills,
and he says, I forgot my mantra.
Yeah, holy shit, Courtney.
Yeah.
Good, good pull. Back to you,
Bert.
With the weather.
It's sticky.
Yeah,
pretty sure you had a cameo
in Ice Age.
Huh?
I don't know. I'm fucking taking a stab in the dark here.
I don't even think that's the full title. Was the first one just called Ice Age? Try? I don't know. I'm fucking taking a stab in the dark here. I don't even think that's the full title.
Was the first one just called Ice Age?
Try Wild Hogs 2.
Ice Age 2.
Ice Age 3?
There's no way you're going to get the full title
because they all have things after the subtitle like,
a squirrel's got to get a nut.
Ice Age, it's hot out here for a pimp.
Yeah, they're all like that.
But you gotta say the right one.
So you got something else?
No, I got nothing. Jeff Goldblum,
Jeff Goldblum, The Man, The Myth, The Legend.
It was a documentary made about him in the 80s.
Oh yeah? What was that called?
I just named it.
It was called Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Goldblum,
The Man, The Myth, and The Legend.
A documentary that was made in the 80s.
I'm going to use that title in Live, Die, Repeat.
It was called Jeff Goldblum,
bloom, bloom, power, power, bring it.
Trey, what are you...
Are you communicating with the audience or something?
What's going on over there?
Trey?
I'm trying to figure out one more.
Yeah, well, okay.
You're staring intently into the audience
like they're helping you.
Oh, no, no.
None of them were.
All right.
And your partner's tapped?
Jared doesn't have any?
I mean, I have one, but I need one more.
Why do you need one more?
Let's just fucking finish this game.
All right, fine.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
across the eighth dimension.
Yeah, dude.
I finally got to use that in Doug Love's movies.
What?
That's one of my favorite movies, dude.
For real?
Yeah, Peter Weller.
Come on, man.
Fuck.
Robocop.
Word.
Yes, he's also Robocop.
Hey, thanks.
Thank you.
Yeah, I can't see his face for a lot of it, so I thought I'd tell you.
I can't use that. Anything, you can't see his face for a lot of it, so I thought I'd tell you. I can't use that.
Anything, Aaron?
You and Courtney?
We're trying to think of a couple animated...
Did he do a voice in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs?
No.
One lady over there.
Shit, yes.
Shit, yes.
I don't think he did.
I just thought of a movie. You just helped me
to think of one that I hadn't thought of previously, but
no, he doesn't. I think you're out.
Did I just win?
I think Trey Gallion is our winner.
Are you kidding me?
What is up, Jeremy?
He's a good sleeper, dude.
He's a dog in Isle of Dogs.
Isle of Dogs.
Fuck, yeah. Death Wish, he's got a part in Isle of Dogs. Isle of Dogs. It just came out. Fuck, yeah.
Death Wish, he's got a part in that.
Yeah.
Between the Lines.
Mr. Frost.
There's a lot of them.
Invasion.
Yeah.
Snatchers.
Yeah.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Life Aquatic with Steezy Zoom.
Yeah, Grand Budapest Hotel.
And use your microphone voice when you're remembering them.
All right.
What are you guys talking about down there?
Okay.
I just wanted to know what you were talking about.
I thought it might be interesting.
How did we forget Wes Anderson?
No, yeah, it opened the door to all those Anderson Brothers movies.
Like, holy fuck.
How did we forget that?
Anderson Brothers?
Wes Anderson movies.
Anderson Brothers?
I got Coen Brothers and Wes Anderson mixed up.
What, who?
Joel and Ethan Anderson.
Yeah.
But they've worked together.
And they're sisters now, right?
Yeah.
Okay, so. I want a buck of, right? Yeah. Okay, so.
I want a buck of Robozai. Hey, Grant.
I mean, yeah, Grant.
No, Jer. The names got mixed around.
Fuck. Jer, come get your name tag.
Your prizes and your name tag.
Okay.
Wow.
Yay!
There you go. The bottle and both of those bags.
Sorry.
And just get a bag for that and drink it out on the street.
Yeah.
And you go down this way, Jer.
Thank you for playing, dude.
Thank you to everybody, Courtney and Dan and Grant.
Thank you, Courtney.
Let's do some plugs and get the heck out of here.
Starting with Trey Gallion.
What do you got coming up, buddy?
July 11th at the Punchline in Philly.
I'm headlining their Wednesday showcase.
And Roberto Clemente was the greatest
baseball player of all time.
Yeah!
That's the truth!
All righty. Burt Kreischer
Burt cast tonight at a time to be determined
I think it's at 9 o'clock
I think you're right
9 o'clock
Doors at 8
Show at 9
And we are going to be fucked up
I have a new Netflix special
Coming out in August
Check it out.
A Netflix special?
How'd you get that?
That's my impression of comedians being horrible to each other.
How did you get that?
What?
All right, so Sarah.
Sarah Tiana, what do you got coming up? I have a podcast with Rob Riggle that you can listen to called Riggle's Picks.
Hey, help me get Riggle back on Douglas' movies.
He's done it, and he's great.
He just did it the one time.
He's super busy doing movies that I've never heard of and that I will never watch.
But you did say Step Brothers.
Yes, you got one Step Brothers. Yeah.
So you got one wriggle in there.
You got a wriggle in there.
Pow, pow, pow.
You wriggled it just a little bit.
What's it grew?
What else?
What else is going on?
Is that it?
Yeah, because we start on the roast next week.
So I'm going to be doing a Bruce Willis roast. Oh, you're going to write roast of Bruce Willis.
Yeah.
Nice.
I wonder if the word smirk is going to come up.
I don't know.
Smirk, why?
Smirk.
Bruce Willis?
Smirk.
Yeah, or...
He's always smirking?
Am I saying a word that's real?
I have no idea right now.
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
I mean, even in a no smirking section, he will do it.
Smirking.
I'm sorry, Mr. Willis.
There's no smirking at the airport.
That's only a hospital.
Female Ray Liotta.
Hug.
And Aaron Kleiber
what's going on with you buddy
I have a podcast called Grown Dad Business
where me and dad Jason Clark bullshit
and I'll be at Hilarities
in Cleveland July 11th through the 15th
nice
and I have a comedy special coming out this fall
I don't know where yet because I'm not as famous as Bert
not on Netflix
wait your show is Netflix produced it's amazing yet because I'm not as famous as Bert. Not on Netflix.
Wait, your show is Netflix produced?
It's a real show. It's amazing.
How is that even?
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. I got one more plug
I want to throw in. I'm going to be in Atlanta
in August
at the Variety Playhouse. That's August
12th. It's a Sunday at 4.20.
We always get a lot of great, just like here today,
we get a great lineup in Atlanta.
And, ooh, somebody's got a fun ringtone.
And thank you to all of my guests.
Let's hear it for all of them.
Trey Gallion.
Thanks, Pittsburgh.
You guys are fucking awesome.
Am I still saying names?
Sorry.
Sarah Tiana,
Aaron Cliver.
Do you have one more?
Do you have another final statement?
Yeah, I just heard mine
and went for it.
Sorry.
Okay.
Are you guys good?
Yeah.
Okay.
Because everyone's still standing around with microphones
like they got something else they needed to add.
You don't have to leave, but you can't talk into a microphone.
I want to give you a head start.
Watch out. They're all going to try to give you a head start. Watch out.
They're all going to try to touch you.
Hey, Bert, Bert, Bert.
Throw one more donut.
Oh, these are going to be good.
That guy put his hands up and wasn't looking at me.
It's going to hit him right in the face.
Oh, put it right into the hands of a guy
who was not asking for it. Ha ha ha.
Get it?
Yeah!
Ha ha ha.
My boy!
Hold on, hold on. These are phenomenal fucking donuts. Oh, these are so nasty.
They're tiny, and there's like,
oh, such a mess.
Apologies to the Rex Theater for all the donuts everywhere.
People, even if they land on the floor,
please eat them.
Please eat every last...
Oh, jelly donut in the back.
That's one of my favorite adult films.
Jelly donut, everybody.
Jelly donut.
Oh, we got a clean one.
Oh, I think this one's got cereal on it.
This one's got like
Fruity Pebbles
all over it.
So who's a Fruity Pebbles fan?
Alright, alright.
Ugh!
Big Apple! Big Apple!
Big Apple! Big Apple!
Why are you yelling Big Apple, Big Apple?
And did you take a bite out of this last one?
No, no, it came that way.
Okay.
Bert Kreischer, everybody.
Here, take those. You wanted those, right?
There he goes with his donuts and his Tito's.
Thank you to the DVE morning show for having this festival
and for you guys for coming out.
Thank you to the Rex Theater.
It's a terrific venue.
Get ready with that end theme, because as always,
we've got three shitheads.
Justice Kennedy
for not waiting until November
and fucking us all over.
I don't get this one.
Is this from the 12 Years a Dave guy?
Oh, it says
12 Years a Dave is crossed out, but I think
initially they wanted me to call you a shithead.
But instead,
they're going with the temperature
is a shithead.
Okay.
And I don't understand
this one, but it's the last one.
Thanks again, everybody.
Self-checkout
virgins Should we sing it?
Now it's time for Doug
To watch another talkie
Eyes of gold
His viewing prowess
Makes him cocky. There's no
room in his heart for
you. Cause Doug
loves movies.
Thank you
Pittsburgh!
Now it's time for Doug to watch
another talkie. Eyes
of gold his viewing prowess makes him cocky.
There's no room in his heart for you,
cause Doug loves movies!