Doug Loves Movies - Chris Hardwick Guests

Episode Date: December 17, 2006

 Doug welcomes 'I Love Movies' theme song co-author Chris Hardwick ('Terminator 3,' 'House of 1000 Corpses,' MTV) to the show to debate classic holiday films.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds with 50 acid pop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, cause Doug loves movies! Yay! Here we are! Welcome, everybody! This is Doug Benson with I Love Movies Because I do Coming to you from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles In front of a live audience Of very nice people who came out

Even though it's the holidays They came out to watch a discussion To watch a discussion Very exciting There's lots of great shows here at UCB For more info go tocbtheater.com because there's no greater gift than laughter, except for maybe

a blowjob. Or a handy. Happy holidays, everybody. I just want to say before I bring out my guest today, that Polar Express should not be considered a holiday classic.

There are ads out there now saying that it is. Roger Ebert gives it a thumb up. And I thought it was one of the most horrifying things I ever saw. But the main reason you should keep kids away from the Polar Express is because in that movie, a train whips into a neighborhood on Christmas Eve and says, all aboard the Polar Express, and an impressionable child jumps on the train without checking with his parents first and just leaves with some crazy conductor to go on a trip to the North Pole.

So now anybody could just whip their van into a neighborhood at Christmastime and say, all aboard the Polar Van. And that is just not right. My guest today it's always an awkward transition from my opening joke to the intro and it'll never change. My guest today on I Love Movies is the co-writer and co-performer

of the I Love Movies theme song. Please don't hold that against him. This is the hard half of the musical duo Hard and Firm. Please welcome Chris Hardwick, everybody. Chris Hardwick is here. Get up on that mic. Oh, he's got to take his coat off.

There's no coat hanger backstage, and no one is hearing anything you're saying to me right now. Some green room pot smoking incident. They destroyed the coat rack back there. I didn't know there was ever a coat rack here. By the way, I was hearing you talk about Polar Express, and nothing expresses the feeling of Christmas warmth

more than dead-looking computer faces. Which the whole... Those dead eyes that they have. The dead eyes and how the mouths move. Like, just not warm. There's a whole musical number around hot chocolate where dudes are jumping up and down, pouring hot chocolate all over the place. It's horrifying.

Why? And it's also a very treacherous trip to the North Pole. Not only does he take the kid to the North Pole, they also, their lives are in danger the entire time. Like, the track is out over a ravine at one point. They've got to get going fast enough to jump the ravine. These kids might die just to go see Santa. That doesn't sound like an express.

I thought an express train was like A to B, no time. No, there's so many stops. There's so many stops on the Polar Express. It's a huge hassle taking the Polar Express. And they get all the way there. They see Santa. Nothing really happens there. They see elves that look like Aosmiths complete with scarves

on the mic stand and are you serious i'm serious this movie's fucking crazy and they're singing you could swear and they're singing and uh and then they leave the north pole and the ride back is uh takes one fifth of the time and there's no danger or anything like getting home from the north pole is super easy so the movie has no danger or anything. Like, getting home from the North Pole is super easy. So the movie has no dramatic arc to speak of, because getting there is such a nightmare, and then coming home is, just shoot right back. Well, now I'm not going to see it, for sure.

Well, now that I spoiled the ending. Now I know he gets home. He totally gets home. I thought maybe he... See, I have this whole Christmas theory that... Do bring it. Well, it's... I don't know.

It's just the idea that the myth of Christmas came from... Kris Kringle was a murderous Viking and was punished by the Nordic pantheon of gods to have to bring gifts to the entire world once a year. He was a horrible murderer, rapist. And see, the reason you think he's fat is because he ages but never dies. So he's basically this skeleton, and he has to pile on all these layers of clothing, and he has demons living inside his ribcage. So it wasn't really a popular theory when I was growing up, but that's what I always...

Oh, you shared this theory a lot? Yeah. Like on Christmas Day? Not with my family, but when I was in high school and college, I tried to get people to propagate this myth that that's where it came from. When you're in high school and college, it's hard to be anti-Santa because people still believe him.

They're all faggy about it. Faggy. They're gay for Santa. What have you seen lately, Chris? Just saw For Your Consideration a couple days ago. Yeah, and? I mean, Catherine O'Hara was awesome. I wanted to like the movie a little bit more than I did.

You really kind of like struggle. It's like a struggle now with those movies because there's always going to be good stuff in there. Right. You can't, with the people that he gets, Christopher Guest guess gets in those movies there's going to be a laugh or two but it's so low key and so like we dare you to not have an awesome time right like we're so smart that it's like you gotta you gotta laugh it on the inside i just i didn't i think i think one of the main devices wasn't was kind of like tired which was the whole they're making a movie called home for Purim, and it's this southern family. They're using all these Jewish words,

and it's like, yeah, I don't know. I don't care about the South or the Jews. I even kind of affected a... I don't know! I even kind of did that in the process of shitting on the film, but it was all right. What else? I saw The Marine with John Cena.

You went with him, or he's in it? He was the other guy in the theater. John Cena, the wrestler, looks like if Matt Damon were exploded in the Body Worlds exhibit. Like if his face were blown out in all directions. He looks like John Cena. And that's why you went? That was one of the reasons. You're like finally a blown out Matt Damon?

You have to see... Matt Dylan? You have to see the... No, no, Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Not Matt Dylan. That'd probably of the reasons. You're like finally a blown out Matt Dillon. You have to see... Matt Dillon? You have to see the... No, no, Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Not Matt Dillon. That'd probably be The Rock. But the Marine is...

I always thought The Rock looked like blown out Rob Schneider. Like Rob Schneider? They did twins too. It could be The Rock and Rob Schneider. We should go through it. Every wrestler should be somebody that just got inflated. They were somebody else, and they got pumped up and now they're a new character. There are so many explosions.

Did you like The Marine? No. Well, I mean, it was fun. It was just like one big explosion. The explosions escalated throughout the film. So there was a car explosion, and there was a house explosion, and there was a truck explosion. There was a whole fucking factory. The whole movie was just full of...

And the problem with the movie was... Well, the problem. But he wasn't really a good... You're expecting to see this total ass-kicking Marine and he's not a good fighter in the movie. He's just a big guy. And there's never any... He doesn't really ever take anyone down.

There's always a struggle. It's kind of like real fighting. I want to see him kick someone in half. His foot just kind of cut through them like cream cheese but that never happened. Oh, you mean like how Stephen Seagal used to do it?

Exactly. He was kind of a mess too. He was a very humble individual. The Marine reminds me of that die hard on a boat thing. Which one was that? Was there actually a speed? There was a speed?

No, Under Siege. Oh, Under Siege. Two. Was it one or two? One was on a train. Two was on a train. Okay. Two was on the Polar Express.

And one was on a boat. And I like both of those movies, but those are the only Steven Seagal movies I like. We saw Marie Antoinette. Marine Antoinette? Marine Antoinette. Where Marie Antoinette was played by a manatee and just spends all this money. How was that?

It looks like it's... It's like a music video. It's just that sort of... kind of like Lost in Translation where you're like, oh, this is going to be the thing that drives the rest of the plot. Nope, wrong again.

There's no... Just a bunch of stuff happens and the movie's over. That's what I liked about Lost in Translation, actually. I did. It was pretty to look at, though. Lost in Translation just very much mirrored my experiences in Tokyo with 20-year-old girls. But Kirsten Dunst was delightful

I was trying to make a joke but it wasn't one well that's not a weird thing though but like for a comic to be a way into in Japan yeah

with a 20 year old girl doing comedy in Japan things are really going good for me if you just thought that seemed like a normal thing that I would do

I don't know what you do maybe the marijuana logs with the Japan I do comedy in Japan I don't even bother to change it into Japanese. They just think it's funny. Well, because it's Western. They would probably be into it.

You should do the Marijuana Logs in Japan. All right. Good idea. Thanks. That's the show. No, this is the holiday episode. We're just getting started. I made a list of...

Your favorite holiday movies? Well, I couldn't remember. I did give you an assignment to come in here and tell me some of your favorite holiday movies. Let me run through mine first. I'll run through mine first and then we'll go through and I'll explain why yours are wrong. You're the host. My three favorite holiday movies. Did you make

three or do you have more than three? Oh, I have a whole list of holiday movies here. Are some of them naughty and some of them nice? I liked... I checked it twice. These are my three favorites. Die Hard, the original. I got that on here. It's on your list, good.

Miracle on 34th Street. Ooh. Natalie Wood version, not John Hughes version. And Uncolorized. And Philadelphia. I'm just kidding. Die Hard isn't really a Christmas movie. That's such a horrible

That's good Philadelphia's been my go-to lately Whenever people are talking about Christmas movies Or just anything like You know anything but the AIDS genre The AIDS genre Anything

I've got you walking a blockbuster Excuse me where is your AIDS section Where is the AIDS section And then you put on some rubber gloves You have to step over a bunch of discarded syringes. Okay, so those are two of my favorites, Die Hard and Miracle on 34th Street. I really don't like too many Christmas movies because they're just so... You don't want to see them any time of year but Christmas.

Right. And then even around Christmas time, you're a little overloaded with the Christmas bullshit. But to be an actor in those films, you know you're going to get some sweet residual check come February or March. I like the TV stuff the most. I like Rudolph and the year without Santa Claus. Scrooged,

I thought I really enjoyed. Really? You thought you enjoyed it? You were wrong. Well, I haven't seen it since I was in college. It's so bad. But it is watchable. It's very watchable in spite of how awful it is because Bill Murray is almost always watchable.

You're like sitting there the whole time going, that's Bill Murray. It's the best movie that Bobcat Goldthwait was in. Playing the character of Bob Peck. No No it's not the best He's got better movies than that Better Off Dead

Was kind of a Christmas movie Because it took place at Christmas There was snow on the ground It took place at Christmas There were skiing scenes But it took place at Christmas There's a whole scene Where he gives his girlfriend

A Christmas present What does the paperboy say Over and over again? Two dollars Two dollars That's right I just I never

I could not I didn't like A single Savage Steve Is this where you invite people on And tell them how you hate I didn't like any Savage Steve

Holland movies I didn't like any of them I did not like One Crazy Summer I loved Better Off Dead I really loved I know Brian Posehn loves it I know a lot of really

Smart Funny Normal seeming people That love And Brian Posehn That love Better Off Dead. And I can't stand that movie. I hated it even when I was a kid.

All right. Wow. Kitty needs to scratch. It's just awful. Gremlins was a Christmas movie, kind of. Huh? Let's see.

Now, that's... That one okay? That's in my top three now. Edward Scissorhands was a Christmas movie. I didn't really like Edward Scissorhands that much, but... It was interesting because Anthony Michael Hall was, like, unrecognizable it's like wow when

did he become that was kind of the male version of like when it whenever there's a young actress and she's a she's a child actress then she'll do a sexy movie to show like i'm an adult like that was his like i'm not a nerd i can beat nerdses. That's how much of a nerd I'm not. There's a trailer for a new Christina Ricci movie. Have you seen that? Oh, with Sam Jackson? Yeah, where she's just in a bikini the entire time, and she's also beaten to a bloody pulp.

And he's just throwing her all over the ground and stuff. Yeah, that movie looks hot. I did not even recognize that it was her. I know. At the end of the trailer, like, Christina Ricci. Because she didn even recognize that it was her. I know. That's at the end of the trailer like Christina Ricci. Because she didn't have that cute little pumpkin... Yeah, she's always had

a giant head and big eyes like a Keen painting. What's his name? Yoshitomo... Not the band. Like those Nara paintings, the Japanese artist. What's his name?

Nara? Yoshitomo Nara. That's right. Wow, you got a lot of Christmas movies. I just want to talk about Gremlins a little bit. Oh, you do? Yeah, I like it. You sure you don't want to talk about Mr. Magoo's Christmas special?

Chris Columbus. Chris Columbus. You're an iron, but I think you're a cat. He should have made Gremlins and then stopped. You think so? That should have been it. But he did... He shouldn't have been allowed to make another movie ever again.

He did Harry Potter, though. The first two. Yeah. The bullshit ones. What you can't see right now is Doug is making a sour face as though he has eaten something. I couldn't stand the first two Harry Potters, and I love the next two. Yeah. They had to get Columbus out of there.

Well, you and I aren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of stuff. No, I agree with you about Gremlins. Stop it. We just don't agree. Why can't you agree with anything? Did you know... Whatever the next one is, I'm going to agree. No, you're not. Well, I don't agree on this one.

You don't agree with yourself? No. I didn't know that they made Christmas Vacation 2, Cousin Eddie's Island. Do you know how they made that? That's what it said. Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure, Christmas Vacation 2. It's like a branch off of a sequel. It's like a sequel prime.

It's a Randy Quaid movie? A Randy Quaid joint, I think is what you were reaching for. Because Chevy Chase was just way too awesome to be in Christmas Vacation 2. Because honestly, in the back half of Chevy Chase's career, Christmas Vacation

was his best movie. You think it was better than the original Vacation? No. No. I'm saying in the back half of his career. In the ass end. Like after Spies Like Us, when it all went to shit. When the pain pills started giving away the comedy.

When it all went to shit, the Vacation movie was at least still kind of funny. He pulled down that one ladder and it hit him in the face. That was funny. And Randy Quaid was out there with the RV and the shit flying everywhere. And there was a squirrel in the tree. And Julia Louis-Dreyfus played the next-door neighbor. She sure did. It was angry.

Doesn't Deck the Halls just look like that movie over again? Well, I mean, every year now there is now a sub- Squabbling neighbors in the suburbs. It's a sub-genre of Christmas competition movies, like Jingle All the Way or... And they even turned The Grinch Who Stole Christmas into one of those movies. Like the Who's were all into having better displays on their houses. It's like Ron Howard and Jim Carrey totally missed the point of fucking... Someone told me that it...

How The Grinch Stole Christmas. I didn't see The Grinch, Someone told me that it... How the Grinch told Christmas. Because I didn't see the Grinch, but they said that there was a Who key party going on. There's a Who key party at one point. Like, ha ha, get it? They're all putting their keys in a bowl. Kids love it. That's awesome. And then there was...

Do you think they have... All the Whos were assholes. And at the end of the movie, it takes the Grinch showing them what the real meaning of Christmas is. It's crazy. Maybe it's a weird window into Ron Howard's soul. I think it's more into Jim Carrey's, but I'll give you that, too. The number 23. It's a new Jim Carrey movie coming out.

Oh, really? Yeah. Where he sees the number... You love movies and you don't know about this? Mm-mm. I love movies that already are out. All right. It's coming, and you look back on this.

I don't love future movies. What if I die? I won't even get to see it. What is this one? Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Oh, he wrote down P, T, and A. Well, on a note card. Why would I take up all that time?

Harper Valley movie? Harper Valley PTA was a phenomenally Christmas delightful romp. But Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. That was a Thanksgiving movie, wasn't it? They were trying to get home for Thanksgiving. Was that it? I don't remember. Maybe that was it.

They were trying to get home for something else. That's when John Hughes started to lose it with me. That one. Elf, I thought was all right. I wish that movie had a question mark in the title. Elf? Elf? Starring Will Ferrell?

The actor? Yeah, I thought that one was overrated. All right. Well, I just made a list. I just found a... What's her name, though? That's Zooey Deschanel.

There's nobody cuter. She's a hot little potato. She's adorable. She's great on Weeds. Weeds. Oh, my God. She's so good on Weeds. I was sad that they

didn't introduce her character until there was only like four episodes left. Well, it's coming back. Wait, Home Alone is on here. Did you say that? Oh, no, I didn't. Home Alone.

Yeah. Well, I just said it now. I got to say, though. I got skills. Oh, yeah, Home Alone. I got to say, I kind of enjoy the Home Alone movies. You're a softie inside. I like Brenda Blethen with all the pigeons in the second one.

That was great. Was it Brenda Blethen? No. It was that other fat British lady. That was great. Was it Brenda Bluthin? It was that other bad British lady. Brenda Fricker. You're thinking of, you're confusing Home Alone 2

with Secrets and Lies. Paul Tompkins came back this week to heckle from the audience. He loves it. He comes to the show. He was in the neighborhood. He lives close by.

It's a wonderful life. What kind of cliche answer is that? I literally just went to a website that had holiday movies because I couldn't think of any. I just wrote down all that was on that website. Oh, you wrote down names. These aren't your favorites.

No, no. These are just Charlie Brown Christmas. That's a great movie. Well, but Arrested Development used the Vince Giraldi, Charlie Brown Christmas theme. Oh, to great effect. Oh, it was so phenomenal. With Michael Cera walking with his head down.

With everyone being dejected throughout the... Yeah, that was really funny when they did that. It was. Did that not sound sincere? That was really funny when they did that. God damn it. Jesus, I wish Paul Tompkins was still my guest. Last week was so much fun.

I don't know where you end and the sarcasm begins. You're doing great. It's so hard to tell. Well, see, that sounded sarcastic. Now, let me ask you about the movies you've been in. You've been in some great Christmas movies. You were in House of a Thousand Corpses. Yes.

Now, when you're on the set and bored, did you actually count them? Were there a thousand? Yep. Yep. Terminator 4, Rise Machines Rise. That's right. That's what I like to call it. I play the guy that comes out and says,

Now rise, machines! No, you played second engineer. Engineer number two. According to IMDB, it's second engineer. Fuck, man, now I've got to write those pricks. Yeah, you've got to set them straight. Straighten it out. Now, why didn't you assassinate Arnold when you had the chance?

Because he was constantly surrounded by... That would have been so great. He really was. He had his makeup done in the trailer with everyone else, but he was constantly surrounded by a wall of people just laughing. I mean, it was literally like that cliché, that 50s cliché of everyone going, Ha ha! Good one, Mr. Schwarzenegger! Like, he was surrounded by people

laughing at everything that he said. But he seemed like an okay guy. I had no idea I was getting my makeup done next to our next governor. That never entered into my noggin. That's what I'm saying. Why didn't you jump into, you know, they didn't really have the time machine. Because you will have to send me back in time to kill him. That's right.

That's right. That's how it works. That should have gotten more. I forgot how that worked. But my favorite Chris Hardwick role Has to be Arson Investigator In Johnson Family Vacation

I was so cut out I haven't seen it I haven't seen the movie I haven't seen it either But I was cut out of it I was just trying to be mean I do get the occasional $17.14 check

From DVD sales though They still have to pay it You're absolutely not in it No But is your name in the titles? You're absolutely not in it? No. But is your name in the titles? No. Because we went through this with Wayne Fetterman a couple weeks ago. He got completely cut out of some stupid movie, and they send

him checks, too. Yeah, you still get checks. So that's pretty awesome. And he was sitting there going, why would they send me checks if I was cut out? I was like, why would you say that out loud? It's also that moment where you see that you're getting a residual check, and you're like, oh, I'm going to take a vacation. $17.

And then you're like, I'm going to take a vacation. Oh, Johnson family vacation. Before we play the Leonard Maltin game, two quick things. Have you ever worked with Alec Baldwin? No, but I wish to Christ. I'm so in love with him right now. William Baldwin. Boo.

Well, don't get the sourpuss again. Don't whip out second best Baldwin on me when we're talking Baldwin brothers. But think about this. Alec Baldwin, though Alec Baldwin has always been delightful, he has really come into a whole new level. He's insanely great right now. In recent times. The Departed, Running with Scissors, 30 Rock. He's amazing on 30 Rock.

Everything he does, he's the best thing in it. Yeah, he's... He's so good. I love him. What's the movie with Bill Macy? William... Bill Macy. Oh, Fargo?

Yeah, no. The one where he... Well, that's technically correct. That's the movie with William H. Macy. No, The Cooler. He was really great in The Cooler, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Best thing in The Cooler. I thought that was overrated. That's the movie with William H. Spacey. No, the cooler. He was really great in the cooler, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Best thing in the cooler.

I thought that was overrated. All right, and... You are the toughest customer. You're not just a tough customer. I love movies, Chris. You are superlatively the toughest customer. I love them. I fucking love them.

I had to grip my mic with both hands just to address how tough of a customer you are. Do you want to ask or be asked on the Leonard Moulton game? I would like to be asked because I don't get any clues. I'm going to try to pick out a Christmas movie if I can find one fast enough. Let me see if I can find one. Leonard Moulton's. Leonard Moulton's

Guide to the Movies. Indispensable! New York Post. I have to tell you that Paul S. Tompkins and I and our girlfriends got together and we were renting a movie and we went to the movie store and Paul pointed out a movie and I fucking wish to Christ I could remember what it was, but the review on the front from the newspaper just said in quotes, looks great. Do you remember what that movie was, Paul?

No, Daryl Hammond was in it. Daryl Hammond? He's in a movie? I guess he's been in a few. All was, Paul? No. Daryl Hammond was in it. Daryl Hammond? He's in a movie? I guess he's been in a few. All right. Here we go. Let me see here. Okay.

I'm going to list the names from the bottom. Do you want the year first? That might give away a little bit too much if I give you the year. Well, let's start with the low-end actors. All right. Low-end. Teddy Moore. Okay. start with the with the the low-end actors all right low-end teddy moore i uh no okay scott schwartz scotty schwartz is this the toy no no you're too far in the front of the book don't see that's a cheating thing to do i do it all the time who said you look and see

what part of the book they're in to get the idea of... Scotty Schwartz was in the toy, and then he went on to do porn. Right, but what did he do before the toy? Oh, uh... Famous scene. Was it Kidco? No, he wasn't that, too, though. Were they turned manure into a million-dollar business? Mm-hmm.

No, this is the Christmas movie. Oh, it's a Christmas movie. Along with Ian Petrella, whoever that is. Melinda Dillon. It's the only time those two names appear in that book. Darren McGavin. That sounds like a made-up name. And the lead actor,

Peter... Darren McGavin? Kolchak, the Night Stalker? It doesn't sound like a made-up name. Who are you? I'm Darren McGavin! It sounds like Patton making up a name. Patton Oswalt? Patton Oswalt. Is not in this movie. Peter Billingsley.

Well, that's a Christmas story. Now you're acting like, oh, sure! Fucking Scotty Schwartz gets his tongue stuck to a pole, which would have been... If he's going to go into porn, they should have made a movie where a strip club was very, very cold. Or a girl got her tongue stuck to his frozen dick because they were fucking in a freezer.

That'd be great, too. Seth Morris, the artistic director of the UCB Theater, just told me that someone... Name and title dropper? That someone, that's right, that's going to score me something. Score me something. But someone just bought the Christmas Story house somewhere in the Midwest and completely remodeled the house exactly the way it was in the film and lets people come over during the holidays. And you walk in and go, wow, this looks just like in the movie.

Well, yeah, but if you live in Ohio, that's... It's pretty exciting, I guess. And then Jaws comes out of the bathtub when you're riding by. Well, it's funny you should say that because I I was just in Amsterdam, and I went to the... Whatever did you do there? I went to the Anne Frank house, and now, like, on the upstairs window, there's like a red light above it, and there's a girl standing there in lingerie, gesturing for you to come in and have sex with her. Yeah, she's hiding from the Jews.

She wants you to help her out. If Anne Frank had had a red light and needed some help, she would have... How crazy would that be, though, if they just totally did that? Instead, it's like a totally respectful tour that I did not take. Because I was... When you're high, that's a real... The Holocaust brings you way down. Really, you don't just groove out on it for a while?

I forgot to say this in the last episode, and I'm going to get killed for it, but I'm going to say it now. If you haven't already, listeners, go to HandheldComedy.com and sign up for the Laugh Bank. handheldcomedy.com and sign up for The Laugh Bank. What bail bonds was sponsored the team in the original

Bad News Barrier? Oh, it was was it like Fazio's or Chico's. Chico's. The Laugh Bank is our version

of a frequent flyer program but you don't get anywhere. Check it out. What? I don't I'm sitting in front of you and I don't understand what it is. It's a thing I have to do every show now.

Well, you keep selling it like that. I sell the crap out of it. It's a chore. I don't just walk through it. I sell the crap out of it. Go to the laugh bank. Sign up. So it's supposed to be a fun bank.

It's like a bank, but there's no lines. Or laughs, from the way you're describing it. No, you get to hear all the great podcasts that they have. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Paul Goebel's got a thing about TV. I don't know where he got that idea. I don't know. He's like, oh, you love movies.

I love TV. Is there any crossover when a film... Jimmy Pardo has beenardo But when a movie Goes to TV Do you and Paul Then butt heads We should Get together on that

But Jimmy Pardo Has been on my show And he has a very funny show Called Running Your Trap Or His Trap Whose trap is it? Whose trap is it anyway? I think it's just

A general running of a trap Okay But he does that On Ann Eld And there's a few Other shows too I don't even have time To listen to my show So I really don't know What I'm talking about Well you're experiencing Your't even have time to listen to my show, so I really don't know

what I'm talking about. Well, you're experiencing your show unless you want to listen to it back. I know, I totally am. And I don't peg you as the kind of guy who listens to it back and goes, why did I say X when I should have? Next time I'm gonna... No, they're like, we can edit out parts you don't like. I'm like, just run it. Nice.

I don't give a cock. Alright. I think we did everything we needed to do Chris Hardwick ladies and gentlemen Thanks Doug You were awesome That was a good one I appreciate it I don't

I don't Maybe Mike Furman can come back sometime Cause he I thought about having the two of you together I know he would I know he wanted to What's he doing right now? Is he busy?

He went out of town Then he's not slighted then Tell him i wanted him to but i really just asked you he went out of town to get a free car what his girlfriend's brother-in-law was like no i got this uh i got this volvo station wagon i'm not going to use anymore do you want it he has to drive it back yeah but from where from where seattle Shit Free fucking It's like the third car Mike's been given in his life He's just a guy That people are like

Hey you got a nice face Have a car Like he's gotten three cars In his life That have just been given to him Somebody asked me They said If you come out to Virginia

We have a hot air balloon That you can have Is that like a hot air balloon? It totally is It runs on hot R's Well finally Now we have something That we can edit in this show. Thanks a lot, everybody.

Thank you. Thanks for coming. Until next time, this is Doug Benson saying, Willem Dafoe is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you, because Doug loves movies.