Doug Loves Movies - David Koechner, Nick Kroll, and Paul Scheer Guest

Episode Date: June 2, 2010

Doug welcomes comic/actors David Koechner, Nick Kroll, and Paul Scheer to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, greedy babies, sticky seeds With 50 acid pop-up kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody. My name is Doug and I love movies. And I got the

the least weird it turns out it's the weirdest because I got it now and the other ones are weirder looking but they're more functional for what we're doing here. I got the stumpier microphone. And now, finally, did you guys see on Twitter? There were pictures of what these microphones look like for the listeners who have heard comments about the microphones and always wondered what they look like.

I'm going to go back to the paper. Douglo's Movies is taped in front of a live audience at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. It's Tuesday, June 1st, 2010. Oh, thank you. Just got a nice microphone stand switch out for no reason. What was I saying? It's Tuesday, June 1st, 2010, a.k.a. Morgan Freeman's birthday. Happy birthday, God.

Yeah, God. Or Black Pimp, whichever part of his you prefer more. Apologies to all the live audience members who did what I told them to last week and wore name tags, and then I forgot to get contestants for the Leonard Maltin game, so the name tags went for naught. But I see in the...

Oh, this guy's got a gigantic name tag, with both him and the person next to him's name on them. And then we got another guy with a name tag, and then I thought there'd be more name tags this week instead of less. Kale? Cali? Broccoli? You'll have to

sit up in this zone right here. Those two guys with no name tags they got the fucking sweet spots for having name tags so I don't know. I don't know what we should do to them. I tell you what, you guys have to pledge

that you will go try to clean up the oil spill. They both did, one with a thumbs up and the other one with a friendly wave. So, Shrek Forever After took the top spot at the weekend box office, beating out Prince of Persia and Sex and the City, which leads me to this theory. No one wants to watch ladies in dresses running around in the desert. Sorry, Jake Gyllenhaal, you look like a lady. My guests tonight are three people who said yes when I called them yesterday and today.

Two-thirds of them today. And you're still going to be pretty amazed at how good of a show I could put together at the last minute. Please welcome Paul Scheer, Nick Kroll, and Dave Koechner, everybody. Holy crap. How do I do it? Where's your name tag? You gotta leave it on the whole time, Doug and Catherine.

Look at that. You brought a whole dry erase board with Doug and Catherine written on it. Is it gonna change throughout the show? Like, are they gonna write different messages on there? No, I just told them they have to keep it up the whole time. So I know.

They should make one arrow point towards you because your name is also Doug. And any other Dugs in the audience, too. They look like they're on an episode of Amnesiac Newlywed Game. And the questions are as simple as, what's his name? What's her name? Toilet seat.

Oh, no, it's Doug. Or even better, the morning after game. We're like where couples have to sit there. What's his name? I don't know. That is a spike show. You just pitched a spike show. That would be a great spike show.

Let's do it. Let's make it happen. The morning after game. I love it. And the carpenters sing the Spike show. That would be a great Spike show. Let's do it. Let's make it happen. The morning after game. I love it. And the Carpenters sing the theme song. The Carpenters were a brother-sister group. Have you ever played that game

of like, what would you, if you could have dinner with any dead celebrity, like who would it be? Yeah, we all play that game, but most of us fuck the person. We don't have dinner with them. What kind of weirdo? I wrote my letter to NYU who I'd have dinner with, and I was like,

Jesus Christ and Howard Stern. Because I'm like, yeah, I'm thinking, man. Mine was, if I could have dinner with anybody, it would be Karen Carpenter. And Mama Cass. And it would be Karen Carpenter. And Mama Cass. And it would be Karen Carpenter, and I would be like, maybe you should eat something. You just want to feed her.

Be a savior, and that would be it? That's as insistent as you get? Yeah, and then I would fuck her. See, I knew that was going to be in there somewhere. You put a nice meal in Karen Carpenter, she's pretty hot. Women are so lucky with their interactions with men That I'd fuck her You girls have it so well

Oh there's a man I wonder if he likes me Or he wants to fuck me At least I can get I can get fucked whenever I want to That's what I'd say if I was a lady That's true Ladies All I have to do is blow my rape whistle And they will come running want to that's what i'd say if i was a lady that's true ladies that is part of the equation

blow my rape whistle and they will come running or act act at all interest if you blow the opposite end of a rape whistle it's a fuck whistle yeah but only dogs hear it yeah yeah yeah there's got to be a morning after um i i just like to envision people listening to your podcast and whenever they choose to enjoy it on an elliptical or a treadmill or hiking one of the cool canyons. They're all very active. All the people listening to this podcast are very active. Nobody's in a cubicle.

Nobody's on a train. There's one person just eating an Uncrustable. What? One person just eating an Uncrustable. You? One person just eating an Uncrustable. You ever see those? It's like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is... All crust? Yeah, it has no crust on it.

It's like a little pod full of peanut butter and jelly. That was like some focus group where someone's like, if the peanut butter or jelly has any chance to escape, I'm fucking out. I thought Uncrustable would be like something they eat on, you know, the Navis eat in Avatar. It's because of Uncrustable. It's because kids don't like crust.

It's true. Why do kids have such an issue with crust? Why do they naturally despise it? It is bread. You are still eating bread. Yeah, but it's that thick weird end. But hey, you're a kid. What do you know from weird? Like, why are you

judging what's the strange part you should be eating? Fucking eat that shit. That's what I would say. And then I'd give him the old... I'd show them the back of my hand. That would be the end of it. You'd show it to him? I'd just show it to him and then I'd put the joint in my mouth

and everything would be cool. I'd just show it to him and then I'd put the joint in my mouth And everything would be cool I'd totally mellow out I thought maybe you had eczema On the back of your hand and you're like This is uncrustable Look at this uncrustable hand Eat my hand This is what my genetics have given you

You'll have this Yeah I agree Wait until you get into your teens and you have to give yourself an uncrustable hand job. It's horrifying. That was my point, that people at the gym might wince every once in a while. People are like, what are you listening to? Oh, Doug

Benson's podcast. They're talking about masquerading with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? You have a lot of weird tics when you run. What are you listening to? And what else? Rape whistles. Oh, God. Why do you keep shivering? There's got to be a morning

after. By the way, I like when someone's on an elliptical and someone else is like, excuse me, I noticed that you've been whistling. What are you doing? What is that? You stare at people and then talk to them about their flaws, right? At the gym? That's what we're there for.

Everyone gets in good shape because we're all judging one another. Is it just a tech? Uh-huh. Are you listening to something or is that just a tech? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. This is a good nancy grace maybe the audience didn't buy that because the hat you're wearing would you could never wear

that in a gym that no you couldn't you'd be the weirdest guy in the gym wearing that hat i think if i'm in a gym i'm the weirdest kind of gym oh man you don't work out i'd work out at home how's that it's good what do? Uncrustable hand jobs. UCHJ. I was working it out too. You put it together. That's good. I was debating on whether you and C

Uncrustable was one word or two. And you correctly made it two. I'd plow ahead. Ignorance be damned. I don't care Paul Scheer do you have any movies in the can as we like to say oh in the can?

any films of yourself taking a shit I mean guys I have probably one of the most important movies ever coming out yeah this is going to be a cat I've talked about it briefly Piranha 3D Jerry O'Connell is in it ever coming out. Yeah, this is going to be an Academy Award. Oh, right, right. I've talked about it briefly. Piranha 3D.

Yeah. It is. Jerry O'Connell is in it. Jerry O'Connell. Adam Scott. Previous guest, Jerry O'Connell. Previous guest, Adam Scott.

Yes. Did you have Ving Rhames on the show? No, but I'm about to. Let's get him on the show. Hey, I'll be right. I can't do it, the voice,

but if I could, I would have launched into it and it would have been awesome. Elizabeth Shue from The Karate Kid. I can do that. Richard Dreyfuss. In it. Christopher Lloyd. In it.

Steve McQueen's grandson, Steve McQueen. In it. Girl from Gossip Girl, Jessica Soar. In it. Porn star. Porn star. Riley Steele. In it.

Is Richard Dreyfuss in it? In it. Yeah! Piranhas? Piranhas. In it. 3D? In it.

Does he play Matt Hooper in it? He does, actually. He actually sincerely does play Matt Hooper. That is not a tiger shark. That is not a tiger shark. I don't like the panties drying on the rod. The truth of it is that Matt Hooper decides to take a break from sharks on a vacation. And then what happens?

He gets attacked by piranhas. Is that legal? Did they have to go to Spielberg and be like, hey, here's a cocaine. Is he allowed to do this now? It's not intellectual property if you just dress your character 100% like him and don't ever refer to him by his exact name. So that is the wiggle room that they gave him. In the script his name is Hooper, but no one ever calls him Hooper because he's pretty much by himself for the movie. He's in Sideways World from Lost.

Yes. Which means he's in Purgatory. Oh. I haven't watched it yet. Come on, guys. It's been a week. I just didn't know we had that many Catholics listening or in the audience. I don't understand either aspect of that.

DK, what do you got? Well, you have to wait until 2011, but it'll be worth it. What do you got? Well, you have to wait until 2011, but it'll be worth it. Paul, the Jason, Simon Pegg, and Nick Kroll movie. I wish. Oh, it's not. The other Nick.

Nick Frost. Oh, I'd prefer Kroll. Good call. Yes, but Nick Frost. So yeah, but there's a lot of CGI, so it takes a while for all that to... Oh, so you shot your stuff, but it's not coming out until next year. Correct. Wow. Who else?

It's Rogan and... Jason Bateman. Yes, yes. Bill Heater. Bill Heater. Bill Heater. Christian Wigg. Don, I'm not offended.

Jesus. Is anybody good in it? Anybody funny? Steve McQueen's grandson, Steve McQueen. Nice. In it. That sounds awesome. And Nick Kroll is in the trailer for,

I've already heard your line in the trailer in the commercial for Get Him to the Green. Guess what? Not in the movie. He has an equally funnier line in the movie. Oh, alternate take then. That's what you get with Kroll. You get a couple bangs for the buck there.

Lino-rama Kroll over here. Just line him up. Pushing him out. Pushing him out. Should I use the one you guys wrote me, or the 12 I'm going to come up with that are funnier? They're like, why don't you just not waste time and use the one that we wrote for you?

Okay. He gets it. So, yeah, no. Yeah, I got Get Him in the Greek. It's coming out June 4th. And by the way, if you guys have seen the poster for Get Him in the Greek, I still haven't done it, but you put the poster for Get Him in the Greek right next

to the poster for Marmaduke, and it's the same exact alignment. It's fucking bizarre. Do you notice on the poster for Marmaduke, I'm obsessed with this, it says in large letters across the center, Marmaduke. But then in the

top right hand corner it says Owen Wilson. And then really small is Marmaduke. But then George Lopez doesn't get like a is the cat on Marmaduke's head. I think they're trying to trick people into thinking that George Lopez is really he's going to actual George Lopez

owns Marmaduke. Because it's a super white family in the actual movie that they totally hide in most of the ads. So I think they're trying to... I'm not the ghost whisperer. I'm the ghost shouter. Dog whisperer. They even have ads in Arizona theaters.

Wait, is that a line from the movie? No, but it could be, right? That's good. Wait, the family's from Arizona? If you see Marmaduke in Arizona... You get deported? No! No!

It's a way to get them into the theater. They say you don't have to show your papers to come see it. By the way, I do want to announce, I'll announce it here, I'm part of the Family Circus movie, and we're working on that. It's going to be really, really great.

First scene starts off in a church and I ask my mom, I go, why do they call them pews if they don't smell? And then we hold for 15 minutes. And then we move to the next scene. Nice. Sounds like the sequel to Babies.

Oh, I saw Babies. I know you did. I did. Why? You have a girlfriend? I saw Babies. I know you did. I did. Why? You have a girlfriend? I have a girlfriend. Yeah, you do. But I also, I'm also a pedophile.

We saw Sex and the City 2 with our significant. Yeah, with our girlfriend. Do pedophiles really, do they go back that far? Do they go infant ever? Everybody's got their thing. Is that part of it? Everybody's sexy baby. I don't think I've ever heard of that.

It's really, baby's just really cool actually. I really enjoyed it. My favorite was the Mongolian baby. I like Mongolian barbecue. Yeah, they barbecue that baby. Just for a joke, when I order Chinese in front of my friends,

I ask for the Mongoloid beef. And the waiter or waitress never bats an eye, never repeats it back. They just either don't listen to it or are fucking over it. We did see Sex and the City 2, and I loved this movie for the pure and simple fact that my wife

loves Sex and the City, and after seeing that movie, she understood how I felt after I saw Indiana Jones and the Churchill skull, which was severe disappointment and embarrassment that oh, I like these characters, I respected this, I was excited for this and now I'm crushed.

Sex and the City 2 should have been called On the Nose but then they wouldn't do it because of Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City 2, what I liked about it was it felt like it was written by a high schooler who found out that Muslim culture is different than American culture. It was like, I gotta get the word out about this.

They treat women weird. I gotta talk about it. And yeah, it's pretty great. Or it was either written by a high schooler or a pampered gay man who's been totally detached from reality. So what's the message? One of the major conflicts

in the movie. Does one today lose her vagina? I just don't know where it is. She's so brazen. She's so brazen with her vagina. Yeah, Lawrence of my labia. That would make me, I would shit myself and pass out if I was sitting in a movie theater and heard her say that.

This is the, if you want to follow the trajectory of the movie, it was, they start off in New York and their lives are pretty good. And then they go away and then they come back and their lives are pretty good. That was pretty much that that was then one of the major conflicts of the movie is we need to get to the airport or we won't be able to fly back first class first class that's a major conflict point they literally fly coach for 12 hours yeah i just want to say that the family circus kid was sitting next to you when you took a shit in your pants.

And at the church. No, no, at the movie theater. When you heard the line you wanted to hear, you shit your pants and passed out. Then the family circus kid said, Mom, this smells like church. I was trying to put that together and you did it quicker too. Uncrustable. There's got to be a morning after. Just if anyone does want to know too,

Sex and the City, two hours and 45 minutes. No, you're kidding. No, no. Two hours and 45 minutes. It's as long as Avatar. That's got to be 10 minutes of trailers. No, no.

It's three hours with the trailers. Jesus. And it's two hours and 45 minutes. And yes, they do put on burkas and run around like they're in an old-fashioned farce. That is also something that's done. Liza Minnelli's in it, though, and it's kind of awesome. Although it looks literally like they CGI'd her head onto something. Yes.

It looks, yeah. Doug, I'm sure you've already covered this, but just... I told the people with the giant sign they could put it down. That was ridiculous that I ordered them to hold it up the entire time. I think they should do that. I can remember that their names are Dale and Cartman. Yep, you got it. Dale and Cartman.

Exactly right. Cartman. How does your audience... Have you ever covered the 3D? Every fucking film in 3D Do people like it I've spoken of it with my guests And we're all pretty much in agreement

That we don't want more of it I hate it it's fucking ridiculous Avatar was cool How to Train Your Dragon was alright But no other 3D movie I've seen Piranha 3D Except for Piranha 3D Have you seen Piranha 3D. Have you seen boobs in 3D? Girls on trampolines jumping

naked? Well, then I'm in, but nobody's ever done that. 3D's just been wasted on violence. I just hate wearing glasses. They're awful. Yeah, the glasses are bad. Especially people who wear glasses. Now they've got two pairs of glasses on. I got punched twice.

I wear glasses. You put that together like They're like, I got punched twice. I wear glasses. You put that together like that. Yeah, it's pretty smooth. Simply uncrushable. But also the other issue is, and I'm going to do my next bit with the soundtrack behind it, is that I wonder what it's like to watch 3D movies on TV when they're 2D and they're not fun to watch. Avatar is like the best

selling DVD of all time. Why would you ever want to watch that on your regular TV? You would just realize it's a shitty movie. This is kind of long when I'm not in it. It's like turning on the lights in a strip club. It's like, no.

Family circus indeed. We're finding out that babies are documentary. That shit was so staged. Babies? Yeah, babies. Yeah. I want to see babies too. Bring that goat in. Bring it. What is it? What comes in drinks out of the babies? Yeah, babies. Yeah. I want to see babies too. Bring that goat in. What is it?

What comes and drinks out of the babies? The goat. Yeah, it's awesome. That goat got a spin-off movie. Nice. Goats. Utes. You can just see them behind the camera. Should we let that goat kill that little baby or should we step in and do the right thing

and not have a goat near the baby? I mean, honestly, Peter, it's going to be a trailer moment. Trailer moment. Goat eats baby. Spoiler. Is goat an animal that eats flesh? What does it eat?

Because it's in there. Oh, it's in there. The only person that has to worry about being eaten by a goat is the tin man. What? They don't like flesh. They like, you know. Tin.

Right. Tin cans, folks. Get back to your Popeye days. Nothing better than a goat eating a tin can. Have you ever had a goat stand on your back? Yes. Me too. There's one massage parlor in the valley

that we go to. Man, woman, or goat? Goat. Jesus, I didn't know. That's awesome. My friend Ken Daly had a pet goat and if you hunched over in front of it, it would just jump up on your back like you were a rock. Wow. And it would just stand there. If you look at goats,

they do not. They're one of those animals where you're like, eh, they didn't start on Earth. They're crazy fucking looking alien animals. That's why I joined Scientology. Kroll told me that, and I was like, yeah, there are aliens, and there are goats. I Kroll'd you that. That's the point of the Doug Benson podcast.

There it is every week. Exposing. Why should you join? That's why we're the Doug Benson podcast. There it is every week. Exposing. Why should you join? That's where we're set up right across the street from the Scientology Center. Is that a former hotel? I just walked by it tonight after I parked. That's a celebrity center. That is, you know, it's a really beautiful.

I like that everybody here is afraid to laugh. There's cameras everywhere. I walked around, there's like cameras everywhere. Giovanni Ribisi here No one laughed It's not like a center For common people It's spelled

C-E-N-T-R-E Centre Oh Yeah Only European celebrities Have you guys Any of you fellas Been to the movies lately?

Have we talked about that yet? We talked about Sex and the City I saw MacGruber MacGruber's great MacGruber's really funny It's so funny the City. I saw MacGruber. Oh, MacGruber's great. MacGruber's really funny. It's so funny. It's funny. Go see MacGruber.

People here clapped at the mere mention of it. You may think... Check this out. Shrek Forever After. I just saw it. See nothing. One guy in... That's all I see.

It's David Katzenberg. That was annoying. You saw that because of the children? Because of the children. Absolutely no reason for fucking 3D. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it ogre rated? Nice.

Simply uncrossable. Dalen Cartman didn't like that one very much. MacGruber, if you have a hesitation thinking it's like another if you think it's another like oh snl movie how do you make a funny movie out of a 20 second sketch like they did it because it's not it's it's a parody and homage to like 80s late 80s action films like awesome like if you want to see like under siege or like it's a weapon that kind of all that shit it's dirty it's violent yeah it's very really funny it's really funny val kilmer is hilarious like it's it's worth seeing as someone wrote critics was that what you're gonna say about a review it got

no no no my buddy was just saying it was like uh my buddy joe mandy tweeted that it's like the new office joe mandy tweeted that it's like the new office space i think it will be like, tweeted. Tweeted that it was like the new office space. I think it will be like that. Like, office space didn't do well in the theaters, but then people caught it, and were like, oh, this is a really funny movie. I dare to say it's funnier than office space. Oh, I think so.

There you go. Office space is more about, like, an attitude. Right. This movie has huge fucking laughs in it. Yeah. And look, Nick and I financed it. Yeah, we'll put that on the table. And, I mean, look.

There you go. We need to get some of that money back. I sold two of my tanning beds for this movie, so. I leveraged four of my yogurt shops and all in the same two block radius. I'm taking a big hit. Yes, but truth be told,

your yogurt shops were called Tug Out Some Yogurt. Yeah. I call them like I see them. The handles on the yogurt machines are like giant penises. Kids love to play

with them. Really? Duty. Yeah, but it's worth seeing. You saw it too. Yeah, yeah. I saw it at South by Southwest and I ran into the night before you and Will Forte. Yeah.

And I told him, I was like, you're going to love watching your movie with a South by Southwest crowd. Yes. Because they're just. They're jazzed. They're enthusiasm. They have taste. They don't just give it up for anything. Right.

But they're psyched about everything. it was gangbusters it was it was so nuts that like you just walk out of there thinking oh this movie's gonna be a hit i thought it was gonna be and then the fucking marketing comes in or whatever or people's perceptions yeah or i really think it's like because you think you think mcgrubber like that's not a movie because not at the roxbury that wasn't a movie and neither was Superstar. They had funny characters and funny people, but it doesn't... I think the disconnect goes deeper than that. I think that a lot of people just don't know what MacGruber is.

You know what I mean? Just because it doesn't catch on SNL doesn't necessarily mean they know it. Yeah, they only get four or five million viewers, so you're not looking at a big audience. No, out of 300 million people. Exactly. So it is a pretty narrow... I think somebody was tittering like you were being sarcastic. I think if they named that movie

just like Action Movie. Or Two and a Half Men the movie. I'm so sorry for that. Or See This or Suck It. Would be a good title for it. I would watch that. You'd rather see it than suck it. They come to your house and make you suck it

if you don't see it. I suck it. They come to your house and make you suck it if you don't see it. Oh, man, I should have saw it, but I gotta suck it. About three weeks ago, there was a movie in the theaters. I'm not aware. There was a movie in the theaters, see it or suck it. I'm not aware. All right, let's go to your bedroom, ma'am. What is that thing? A yogurt handle? Tug out some yogurt.

I'm not aware. Hey, real quickly, do you guys have a favorite Morgan Freeman movie? Yeah, of course. It's his birthday. Yeah, it's called Car Accident. Too dark, too soon, what happened? He lived. Who's too dark, too soon?

I don't know. Nice. This is like a backstop. Everything is collected, put in the hopper, and reconstituted. I love it I'll go first I'll go with you know I mean

look when you think about Morgan Freeman Mick went first let's be clear about that Robin Hood Prince of Thieves the best the best

that's an enjoyable movie is it Alan Rickman Alan Rickman is awesome in that it should have been an enjoyable movie it had the elements of it.

Yeah, but the action's decent. Go check it out again. I'll watch it. Was that... Kevin Costner? Oh, boy. Let's get in here. Let's get in here.

Yeah, Costner. Yeah, let's talk to the mic, my friend. Come on, man. Oh, I forgot. This is not a live show. This is... Was he also on The Ellipticals? Did he reprise his role in Evan Almighty?

Yes, he did. And they danced at the end. It was awesome. I mean, can you guys get your fucking act together and talk about the bucket list for 10 to 15 minutes? See, I thought I was going to get some genuine answers. I didn't know it was going to be

sarcastic. Shawshank, of course. Yeah, I think so. That's where it became the... Talk about tugging out some yogurt. Can I? What? Can I tell Morgan Freeman? Morgan Freeman, though, is one of those where it became the talk about tugging out some yogurt what but more like morgan freeman though is one of those guys who like you think of shawshank but he's been in a million movies i'm sure like he doesn't like he's been in just great movies i mean right yeah and he's been a lot of stuff where i looked at the list today of everything he's been in and when i looked at it there's a lot

of stuff i went oh yeah i think he was in that looked at it, there's a lot of stuff I went, oh yeah, I think he was in that. He takes a lot of smaller roles. Do you have a favorite movie? One that just popped out at me that I just wanted to recommend if people haven't seen it is a thing he was in called The Big Bounce with Owen Wilson. It was directed by

the dude who did Gross Point Blank, which is a class was involved was George our matrage she also directed that Miami blues without Baldwin oh wow that's a good move that is a very good movie I might be confused about who did what but anyway our matrage directed this one big bounce it didn't do very well but it's got a lot of good actors in it and it's quirky and it's an interesting movie I and it's from 2004 and so good actors in it, and it's quirky, and it's an interesting movie.

And it's from 2004. So put that in your treadmill and run on it. So if you want to watch a Morgan Freeman movie. Put that on your Nordic track and row with it. I enjoyed him in Million Dollar Baby. Oh, yeah, that was good. After Shawshank, when he, obviously he's our town narrator for that host of horrors that happens to men. But he became like the go-to guy for voiceover after that, right? Yeah, yeah.

He did March of the Penguins. Yep. He narrated that. And that was changed from the original March of the Penguins. And when somebody would do kind of like Milo and Otis kind of thing and do a different voice for every penguin. Bob Saget did that, didn't he, for a farce of the penguins? Yes, he did. Yeah, yeah, so it kind of went full circle there.

But now he introduces CBS News, right? Really? Morgan Freeman does? Yes. Anybody? No one watches the news. Is it CBS News with Katie Couric? By the way, for those of you

Out in podcast land David Koechner is pointing to two 88 year old people Because those are the only people who watch Fucking network news Would you just call Katie up on the phone Which one is it Not CNN That's James Earl Jones racist

I love him in the Allstate ads Joel Jones racist. I love him in the Allstate ads. That's Dennis Haysbert. Racist. I love him as the president of our country. That's Tiger Wood racist. Family circle. Quit joking around about The guy from different strokes

The guy Nobody's ever called him the guy That's what I'll do for him in death I'll compliment him by calling him that guy Did you tweet or did you make jokes right away When he died I did not I abstained Did you?

I did refrain I swallowed some abstanium I feel like for some reason I don't want to make a joke on I feel like a salute to people's death on Twitter is just a bummer. It's like, oh, is that how they're going to be remembered? Also, it all has to be a variation

on what you're talking about, Willis. There were no other catchphrases like I'm out of money or whatever. The one that I heard and I saw repeated a couple times was I guess he had a different stroke. Oh, see, I didn't even see's one. Oh, I'm out of money or whatever. The one that I heard and I saw repeated a couple times was, I guess he had a different stroke. Oh, see, I didn't even see that one. I didn't even see that one. If I ran the New York Post,

the headline for me would be, what you talking about, life? But I don't, so I wouldn't make that joke. Donkeytees.com that does my t-shirts, they came up with a shirt where it's him shrugging. Gary Coleman as a little kid. He's shrugging and it says, what you talking about, Jesus?

And they put that out like 10 minutes after they announced that he was dead. And so I felt kind of weird promoting it, but I still do. Because he went to hell, right? No, that's not... You totally misunderstood. No wonder people hate this shirt they don't get it at all they think you know what you talk about satan uh the best thing i saw which

was also put out very quickly was uh they inserted the cgi photoshop gary coleman into the church at the end of lost so like he Lost. It's like sitting next to Locke and Sawyer as little Gary Coleman. Jesus, from like the day after Different Strokes was cancelled to now was his purgatory for sure. He was definitely waiting around for like, well,

what's the next move? Something's gotta happen. I like how this particular podcast has become a Dante's Inferno. It's just a divine comedy. Not Dante's Inferno. It's just a divine comedy. Not Dante's Inferno. It's just a divine comedy going puritory, hell and heaven. It's really a deep show. Trying to get into it.

Family circus. Full family circus. Yeah, the hell that is family circus. Let's play the Leonard Maltin game. Uh-oh. Yeah. See if people like it. Oh, the sign's back out.

Doug and Catherine are ready. But let's do it this way. Let's let each of our esteemed guests tonight, starting with Dave Koechner in the hat, choose from all these lovely people with name tags on, who would you like to play for? If they have a name tag? Yeah.

Just one person? Pick any one person. Who raised their hand over there first? The one that you can see. Melody and Darlene, just one? Who raised their hand first? It was Darlene. I like Darlene's.

I like both of those tags here. They're very legible from very far distance. You're smart. Yeah. But she was aggressive. I like that. At first, I thought Chris and Brian actually had pins in them. legible from very far distance. You're smart. Yeah. But she was aggressive. I like that. At first, I thought Chris and Brian actually had pins in them.

It's tape. But Brian's actually looks like it's a push pin. Is somebody giving you a stretch signal? Yes. What? Because you're dragging this out

unnecessarily. Dragging it out. Dude, my job is to drag it down. All right, I'm playing for Darlene. Darlene, yay, Darlene. Nick, you have one-fifth the amount of time that was just devoted to Dave Koechner picking Darlene. But do please pick from these guys over here

because they are in the seats where I ask people to sit. I'll give Doug a shot. But this is nice. Future note for everybody in the future, listening or here in person. If you're here in person, you can pretty much get away with sitting anywhere now as long as you have a nice big name tag on.

But we're going to play with Doug with the giant dry erase board. Nick is playing for Doug. Playing with fire. And Paul, who would you like to play for? Do I have to just pick people with name tags? Or I can go anywhere? I'd pick somebody with a name tag because if you just pick somebody that doesn't have a name tag, that would you like to play for? Do I have to just pick people with name tags? Or I can go anywhere? I'd pick somebody with a name tag

because if you just pick somebody that doesn't have a name tag that would be awesome for them and super lottery. Because they didn't even enter. They didn't even try. I see somebody that I feel like really wants it but didn't make a name tag. I feel like that's the person I want to pick. Well, if you think you can change that person's life

by picking them and if you think you can do it quickly... You want it, right? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Oh, my God. He wanted it so badly, he went, yeah. It's David Katzenberg, everybody.

All right, get that guy's name. How long did that take? Will. That took too long, too. I'm playing for Will. Shit, yeah. D'm playing for Will. Shit, yeah. Darlene. Okay.

All right, so Paul's playing for Will. Nick is playing for Doug. Darlene. I knew that. My name's David. David's playing for Darlene. Don't gaslight me. I knew both of those.

The board is changing. Yeah, what's going on? What's happening with the board? Uh-oh. Oh. Oh. Can you ride forever? Oh, they fixed it.

They made it even easier on me. I love it. You guys are proactive. Oh, wow. There's a heart. We picked all dudes because it's so easy for ladies to get laid, right?

That's what we did. Yeah. I didn't. I picked for... You picked a lady? Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. We start with Paul Scheer. Paul Scheer gets to pick from the following three categories.

May he rest in peace. Dennis Hopper movies. I like to keep it timely. And let's talk about a great actor. Number twos. That would be sequels. Number twos. Okay. That's what I great actor. Number twos. That would be sequels. Number twos. Okay. That's what I call them, number twos.

Always funny. And motion pictures that feature former actors, people that were in the Star Wars saga. This is Star Wars Alums is the name of this. I'm picking sequels. Number twos. Number twos. All right, here we go.

Number twos, you get to pick a year. Would you like a number two from 1989, 1970, or 2008? This is a number two in a series of motion pictures. 2008. Here we go. I've talked about this before. Len Walton gives it an embarrassing two stars. Yeah, I'm not happy with that rating.

You think it should be deserved less or more? Let's say more. Okay. Yes, more. And I'll read something to you from it. From Len's review. This movie is doomsday dark

and palpably real. Yeah, you heard me. Wow. Doomsday dark and palpably real. Two stars. From 2008, you have 15 names. Start the bidding, Paul Scheer.

How many names? I can name that movie in 13 names. Nice. We come around to Dave Koechner. I'll say nine. Resplendent in a hat, saying nine. Nick Kroll in the glasses.

Eleven. Eight names. Please go less than nine. Oh, you can keep bid? Yeah. Eight names. We're still on Nick Kroll. Keep bid? Eight names. We're still on Nick Kroll. I'll go eight names. Paul has to either say Nick Kroll, name that movie

or you go less names. I'll go less names. Five names. All the way down to five, Dave Koechner. Name that movie. Paul Shearer, name that movie. I haven't learned to pronounce this guy's name since the last time

this movie came up. So I'll try it again. Keith Zabarzagaga. Zabarzagaga. Zabarzagaga. Not helpful. Keith Zabarska. Anthony Michael Hall.

Richie Koster. Eric Roberts. And Nestor Carbonell. Those are your five names. Those are big names. Those are big names. Richard Alpert from Lost. From 2008.

2008. Wow, I thought this would be easy, but those names are really... It's tough when you're on the spot. Those names should give it away. Really? Yeah. Those are some rich names. Fucking no. you know it

man i'm gonna say i'm trying to make it dramatic for the girl on the elliptical this is tough this is a tough one i'm gonna i'm gonna say it's a big it's a big action movie what are you you're asking me questions now say it's a big action movie. You're asking me questions now? I don't know. I don't think I said that. Go with your gut. My gut is like fucking shit.

People know it. They're trying to transport it into your brain. Oh, they've got their phones out. You're playing for that guy's name. I forgot. I'm letting down Will. Maybe I should pick something with a name tag. Alright. What is it? I'm going to go with an animated movie.

I don't know. Damn it. Palp will be real. It's dark. I don't know it. Wrong if it's animated. Okay, wrong. But go ahead and jump in when you know it. 2010. I don't know. I don't have it. Cillian Murphy, Ron Dean, Gabriel.

I know it. Batman. It's called Dark Knight. But I knew from Nestor Carbonell because I remember watching him be like, is that motherfucker wearing eyeliner in this movie? And then he wears it on Lost and then they said on one of those post-show things that he doesn't wear eyeliner. That's just how he does. Yeah, and then he wears it on Lost and then they said on one of those post-show things that he doesn't wear eyeliner.

That's just how he is. He does. He does. Around the eyes. Yeah. How could they get two stars? Are they kids? Two stars, yeah.

That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, that's my biggest beef with Len is that he's just like... Really enjoyable. It's a Batman story for the terrorist era. It's also incredibly long,

ledgers. Completely enjoyable. So that was... Fuck Len and whoever he is. His character is so sick it's difficult to derive any a wild joker. Completely enjoyable. So that was... Fuck Len, whoever he is. His character is so sick, it's difficult to derive any pleasure from watching him. Fuck you. I get nothing but pleasure from watching

Heath Ledger play that character. I agree. It's the most lived-in, amazing performance I probably have ever witnessed. I agree. I thank you. Who is that? Len who?

And he will rise from the dead and appear on this show With John Lithgow in two weeks Who's the reviewer? Len who? It's the Len Malton game we're playing I don't think Len reviewed that one I think he said that one He was having a sandwich

I didn't know you were that chummy I thought someone else had contributed to his book Len Well he has contributors but I bet he wrote that Are you going to do the Mr. Skin game at one point? I didn't know you were that chummy. I thought someone else had contributed to his book. Len. Well, he has contributors, but I bet he wrote them. Are you going to do the Mr. Skin game at one point? Mr. Skin was on the show once. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. All right, so who got the point there?

I did. Who made who guess it? Kroll. Kroll made Paul guess it. Oh, but he made Paul guess it. I'm sorry, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got the point?

You got the point, sir. But we go to Nick Kroll to start off this next one. I fucking knew the answer. And you get to pick from three categories. We got to get through this fast. First person to two points wins,

so it's Koechner's to win right now. Yeah, yeah. Take that shit. By the way, for Podcast Line, he was just doing shoulder presses. I'm helping out the girl on the elliptical. We're going to go

Dennis Hopper movies or Star Wars Alums. That's a good one. Or I'll give you a third one. Buddy movies. Oh, wow. Buddy movies. Get them to the Greek that you're in currently playing. I'll do

Buddy movies. So know you. I so know you. You're so buddy. Which one did you pick? Buddy movies. Okay, here we go. I hope it's bulletproof. Do you want one from... No pre-guessing. No pre-guessing. Carpenter story. Karen Carpenter story. No, that's not it. Do you want 19...

No, she didn't have anyone close enough to stop her from... Turn an empty plate. 1998. That's good stuff, folks. What is it? 1988. 1966. it? 1988. 1966. Uh-huh.

Or 1973. Wow. What was the first one? 88? 88. I got to go 88. What year were you born? 78.

I love you. Same year for me. Same year. Same exact age. Len gives this three and a half stars. For me, 82. Len says three and a half stars. And frequent listeners

have probably heard this one on the show before because it's seeming familiar to me. But you guys haven't listened lately, so that's not a clue. Len gives it 3.5. And it says it has a dynamic music score and was followed by a TV series,

which is a really strange way of putting it. It's followed by a TV series. Okay, it's 1988, three and a half stars, according to Len, followed by a TV series. And it's a buddy movie. Yeah. Buddy movie, 88. You have eight names.

I will say I can do it in seven names. Paul Scheer? Six names. Five names. Fast bidding. I like it. I'll say four names. Name that movie. It's not you next, Mr. Keknery. I can't say it? Out of order, sir.

Nick Kroll, name that movie. Just so we're clear, this is how I play poker badly, is I just want to be in the game, so I will do it, even though I can't. Invite him over, folks. So you got to get in four names? Yeah. Here we go, four names.

I'm sorry about this, Doug. Nick is playing for Doug. The four names are Richard Ferrangi. Ooh, dead giveaway, Wendy Phillips, Joe Pantoliano, Joey Pants, and that's not the fourth name. There's one more name.

Dennis Farina. Those are the four names. Don't give it away, David Keckner or Paul Scheer. The person who doesn't have to guess always knows it. Became a TV show as a buddy movie. Became a TV show after that? That's a good one.

Wish I would have gotten this one. Well, we would have done it. Maybe we will do it here. Any bells at all? I mean, obviously, you said bells, so I'm thinking, but Sav saved by the bell didn't start as a movie um tv movie okay um batman dennis it's the kind of thing where you don't know yet yeah i don't know i

might not ever know i don't know it i'm so sorry don't know. You might not ever know. I don't know it. I'm so sorry, Doug. John Ashton, Yafit Koto, Charles Grodin. Midnight Run. Robert De Niro. Midnight Run. They made a TV show? I love the Danny Elfman score. I love it.

I did not know that was made into a TV show. It was made into a series. I didn't know that either. It was made into a series of TV movies for USA. With the guy who played Trapper McGavin from Happy Madison or really, you know, the golf one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy's great. Big eyes. Or whatever. Trapper, what's his name? Shooter McGavin. All right, great. What? All right, so who got that point?

I got that point. All right, so you have a point and Dave Koechner has a point. Right? Yes. All right, we're starting with Kroll again. Kroll gets to pick again.

All right. Dennis Hopper. Wait,roll again Kroll gets to pick again Alright Dennis Hopper Wait why does Kroll Go to good Is it Keckner's Because he still Doesn't have a point Oh okay

It's always the underdog Goes first Oh good It's just Well I like I like your world I like your world Hey man

Hey man I want to go Let's go It's cool Dennis Hopper movies It's cool of you Why don't we just pick that Because he's dying

Let's do it Okay Because there aren't any Gary Coleman movies Do you want a Dennis Hopper That's That's cool of you. Why don't we just pick that? Let's do it. Come on. Okay. Because there aren't any Gary Coleman movies. Do you want a Dennis Hopper? That's not true. That's not true. Yeah, there's got to be one or two. There's that movie where you had to stash stuff in a locker in Grand Central.

You could see the racetrack results. Oh, that was the kid from Left Field, wasn't it? No, that was the one with the shiny shoes with Norman Fell. And he would be like, superstar in the fourth race, and then people would win money. 1986. Big year for... I'm not ignoring that. Big year for Hopper.

83 or 95. A Dennis Hopper movie. 86 is a big year for Hopper. Okay. 83 or 95. So how many names? Pick a year year I'm sorry 86 Let's do the big year

Okay Len gives it three stars I'd go three and a half Or four maybe You give it an extra half It's a favorite of mine One of my favorite Uh oh

Especially One of my favorite performances Of his Okay It's from 1986 Says best of all is Hopper Perfectly cast favorite performances of his. Okay. It's from 1986. Mm-hmm. Says, best of all is Hopper, perfectly cast. Okay.

This is what they say about him in this movie. Okay. They also call the movie disturbing. Yes. Okay. And there are... Okay. This is easy, right? There's 10 names.

Is it? Go ahead. 10 names. And Nick Kroll starts the bidding. Two names. He can get it two names. Paul Scheer, can you get it in less than two names? Name that movie. Oh, wait.

Does he get to say name that movie? Yeah, see what happened to you? You got screwed on that one. He said two, he went way low. Paul said name it and now he has to try to name it. I bet you could do it in one but Paul said name that movie. But that's not fair. I like your world.

Paul might have bid one and then you would have had to bid zero. I's not fair. I like your world. Paul might have bid one. Paul might have bid one, and then you would have had to bid zero. I would bid zero. You probably could have bid zero. I will bid zero. It's too late. Don't make a difference. I'm trying to win this for Will.

Man came without a name tag. Okay, here's your two names. This is awesome. Two names. Dennis Hopper. I'm sorry. That's where his name is on the list. That's a clue.

He's not the star of it. It's not a Dennis Hopper movie per se. Can I buzz in if he doesn't get it? After he doesn't get it, you can get it. And then Jim Metzler is the other name. This is an easy one. Jim Metzler. Come on, guys. The Mets.

While he thinks about it, let me talk about the prizes. How do we buzz in? Do we hit the table or punch you? The winner's going to get... You don't have to buzz in. Just yell it out after Nick says he doesn't know it. The winner's going to get a three-pack of EPs that are available from AST Records

from Paul F. Tompkins, Dan Telfer, and Greg Proops. That's an awesome three-pack. You can get it for $15 at astrecords.com. Also going to win an I Love Heart Garfunkel & Oates shirt. The typo's on purpose. It says, I Love Heart Garfunkel & Oates. It's adorable. Also a copy of my CD from AST Records,

Doug Benson, Professional Humor Idiot. And you also win a two-trunk-to-tweet T-shirt. Let me ask you a question. What's happening so far in the John Lithgow? Who is in the finalists of co-hosting the podcast? It's ongoing because John Lithgow

he said he's going to do it and then I never hear from him ever about anything. Whenever he tweets I try to get his attention. How long does he have? Alright, we gotta wrap this up. Here we go. Nick Kroll, do you have a guess? You had a lot of time

to think about it. I think I fucked this up. Sorry, Doug. No, that's not sorry. Paul's gonna win for... How can he win? Because I forced him into the thing. Strategy. Strategy. Strategy. See how life works? Paul is going to win for the guy

who didn't even wear a name tag to this show. That's how fucked up life is. My show, my podcast is like a microcosm. It's like the oil spill of podcasts. You come in here all optimistic, and then it's going to keep gushing. Shouldn't I get a chance to win the goodie bag? You can't change the rules.

You said backstage you're a fun game player. I am. Bitter game player. I'm not being bitter, but if we played by the rules. We are. These are the rules. I didn't get to bid. Did we say what the movie is?

Blue Velvet. There it is. No. No? That was a good guess, though. It was a little later than Blue Velvet, I think. I was going to say, can I guess? Can I guess my true romance? No. No, no, no.

He probably had a little better billing than that. Can I guess the last one that I thought? The names are Leo Rossi, Constance Forslund, Tom Bauer, Daniel Roebuck, Roxanne Azalal Ione Sky Oh say anything Rivers

Keanu Reeves and Chris McGlover and it's called Rivers Edge Wow It's an awesome movie if you get a chance to see it

I would not have been able to guess that movie and I did it Dennis Hopper has a Dennis Hopper has an awesome line about going down on a woman

until he looked like a glazed donut and may he rest in peace. And Paul Scheer wins the game. Paul, could you pass all those lovely prizes over to the to Will, the winner?

Just goes to show you, just because you made a name tag sometimes doesn't mean anything. I have to ask Darlene a question really quick. You guys, do you have anything you want to plug? Anything coming up?

Oh, I'm going to do a show here on Friday at 6.30 p.m. We're going to be airing, we're going to be premiering the pilot John Daly and I made for Comedy Center called Rich Dicks

based off of Funnier Die Short we did. So it's going to be this Friday at 6.30 here at the theater with a couple special guests. Oh yeah, the podcast is going to come out probably right after that. Oh, it doesn't come out?

I would like to. I'm a little late for that plug. If you have anything a little further down the road. People that are here live, come back for that. I'd like to plug Scare Tactics. People, just put in your TiVos. It's really good. Give it a second look. You may think it's ridiculous. It's good.

Put in your TiVos Be surprised Come home late at night Watch a scare text Because you'll thank me I'm doing the Melrose Improv At 10 a.m. That's going to be an awesome show Yeah it is

Just for me and my kids 10 p.m. Thursday night Melrose Improv Headlining there And then I'm back here Tuesday night CDR Sketch at 11.30 And this of course is in December

right yeah we're in the no it's my next Tuesday people will have heard this okay next Tuesday come to CDR comedy death ray come come Thursday to the you can come see me in the comedy tent at Bonnaroo coming up soon and also I've got an interruption show coming up June 14th

at Largo with Paul Scheer has agreed to appear and Chris Hardwick. And then I'll be at Helium in Philadelphia June 17th to 19th of 2010. Quick round of applause for Paul Scheer, Nick Kroll, David Koechner. Competitive, competitive players. I was only competitive because I was fighting for Darlene. Don't talk anymore, Keck. I always ask the contestants who lost,

who I should call a shithead at the end of the show, Darlene and Doug, as you know, are sitting on opposite ends of the stage, and I'm very proud to say, Glenn Beck is a shithead, and Glenn Beck is a shithead. Yeah! Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie.

Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him foggy. There's no room in his heart for you, cause Doug loves movies!