Doug Loves Movies - Har Mar Superstar, Emma Arnold and Amy Miller guest
Episode Date: June 11, 2018Live from the Secret Group in Houston, Doug welcomes Har Mar Superstar, Emma Arnold and Amy Miller to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at... https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds
With 50 acid popcorn kernels in his teeth
There's still not one that he won't see
Cause Doug loves movies Yeah, I'm a part-time stagehand.
I'll move some shit around.
Yeah, I'll come out here.
Oh, no, I won't walk too far, though.
Testing, testing.
Okay, that's good.
Give everybody a little bit more room up here.
I really should come by early and do this.
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
My name is Doug, and I love movies.
This is Doug Loves Movies.
Coming to you once again from
the secret group in Houston, Texas.
Oh, it's a pleasure to be back. So great to see everybody. Let's look at my prepared material.
It's Saturday, June 9th, 2018, and I've got a two-word question. Name tags? Oh yeah, they're always big in Texas, especially Houston. Lots of good ones.
The girl next Dorothy. Very nice. Very good pun. Being John Michaelvich. Not as good as the girl next to Dorothy, but I still like it. Jurassic Park.
Did you ever want, did you like have to decide between that and Jurassic World?
Because it would work either way.
Fear and Joling in Las Vegas?
Your name is Joel?
Joe. Joe? Fear and Jowing.
Yep.
Apologies to you and your family.
All right, we got lots of good ones,
lots of great ones to choose from.
Another Jurassic Park.
What's yours say, sir?
Jurassic Park.
Jurassic Park.
Okay.
Yeah, there's a lot you could do with that.
If you're somebody's dad, you can be Jurassic
Paw.
If you're
Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie,
Jurassic Paw.
I've got some plugs, if you guys
don't mind hearing them.
Thank you for bringing all those name tags.
Wednesday night, Doug Loves Movies
is back at the Gramercy Theater in New York City
with five amazing guests, schedules permitting.
And then Saturday, June 16th, Doug Loves Movies is back at Helium in St. Louis
with two of your favorite guests and an amazing newbie, hashtag gas.
And this is super cool.
I'm going to be doing a Doug a Douglas Movies Benson movie interruption combo
to help save the Rio Theater in Vancouver, B.C., Canada.
Lots more shows coming up this summer.
So go to douglosmovies.com.
That's douglosmovies.com.
Yeah! You guys weren't wrong to come in slow on that because I usually say for more info or for deets or whatever
and I just I got to it way too soon
so you guys you still managed to make it work
and I really appreciate everybody coming out to a warehouse near the freeway on a hot day.
I love this kind of microphone stand. In the past you've heard me complain about this kind
of microphone stand but I've turned around and it's my favorite. I love this kind of
microphone stand so much I'm going to learn to play guitar.
Just to justify using this kind of mic stand.
I brought a ton of stuff for the prize bag.
Let me just give you a quick taste
of the kinds of things that I brought.
This is something someone just handed me.
It's... Our buddy,
Will Leonard, what's your name on Twitter?
Will the D?
Will the TD.
Always comes to shows, always brings a sheet.
Do you have your sheet? Yeah, let's hold it up for everybody.
There you go. Look at that.
Guy walks around with a sheet.
How many times do you think I've signed that, Will?
Ten times.
I'm going to have to sign it again, I suppose.
I don't think you've ever left without me signing it.
Okay.
There must have been one time.
Maybe. I don't know. But anyway,
Will is way too generous because he's
involved in some way.
I think he's like their bookkeeper or something of the alley theater.
What's your connection to it?
I work in the scene shop.
You work in the what shop?
Scene shop.
No, scenery.
Scenery.
Yes.
Scenery builder.
Yes.
See, I tried to belittle you with he works in accounting, but scenery builder sucks too.
See, I tried to belittle you with, he works in accounting, but scenery builder sucks too.
No, it's great that you work in the theater in any capacity, and there should be more of it. And the Alley Theater, they put on a lot of amazing productions, including what Will handed over to me.
Two complimentary tickets to the winner of the prize bag today
to see a play.
It's a play?
Yes.
A play called Holmes and Watson.
No idea what it's about.
It's a mystery to me.
I wish I was a detective
and had a partner,
a friend that helped me
and the two of us
could figure out
what the fuck
Holmes and Watson is.
But thank you, Will,
for bringing that
and I'll promote
the show too.
It runs from June 22nd
to July 27th.
Did I get those dates right?
That's fucking insane
if I did.
I was just speaking, I was just trying to be silly and just say two dates.
Sounds about right, though, right?
Yeah, you're making the fucking scenery.
You're not scheduling the shows.
You're like, you need a tree by Thursday?
You got it.
So thanks, Will.
And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of you,
but I got to try to get some jokes in here. Do you like things that are really fucking spicy, Will, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of you, but I gotta try to get some jokes in here.
Do you like things that are really fucking spicy, Will?
You do?
Come up here for a second.
I've got here ghost pepper beef jerky.
From my friends at Savage Jerky.
And that's gonna be too fucking hot for me,
but let's watch Will.
Let's watch Will dig in there.
And whoever wins the prize bag
is going to get the rest of it.
Oh, wow, that's a big piece, Will.
Turn towards them.
Let's see your face.
How bad is it?
Pretty hot?
Yeah, so it's kind of like a mild ghost pepper.
It's like a teenager child ghost.
Oh, there, it's kicking in.
It's kicking in.
Oh, shit.
Ghost pepper.
He's coming to get you.
Ghost pepper. If he catches you, you're through.
So that's going in the bag. Thank you, Savage Jerky. And I'll talk more about,
it's Savage Jerky. Do you think that was grown in a savage garden? I'm going to,
I'm going to bring the guests to the stage and then we'll talk more about the rest of the prizes in the bag.
And this is great that these three people are in town.
You know, no Houstonians today, as much as I love them.
These are all people that are in town and willing to participate,
and I'm very excited about it. Please give it up for Har-Mar Superstar Emma Arnold and Amy Miller.
Oh, good.
I'm doing good so far.
Hi.
Hi, Houston.
Hello.
Good to see you guys.
We're all killing it.
There's no tables.
I'm sorry.
That's something I should do. It's not your fault, Doug.
That's something I should do is provide places for you to put your drinks.
Thank you.
Maybe there's like a stool on the wings.
Oh, there are no wings.
Oh, no.
Flightless.
Oh, thank you dude Alright, so
Let's meet them individually
Starting with
The lady on the other end there
It's Emma Arnold!
Hello!
Thank you so much for having me
Thanks for being here And performing on this very stage Later this evening Hello! Thank you so much for having me.
Thanks for being here and performing on this very stage later this evening.
I am. I'm headlining here
tonight at 8. If I do
well here, then...
Yeah, if you're inclined to come back.
I believe Will already has tickets.
Do you have tickets, Will? Yeah, Will's already
planning to come.
And he's going to ask you, Emma, to sign a sheet.
So don't panic.
He's not
Jewish, trying to get you to make love through it.
Fantastic.
He just wants a signature
so that he can be
buried in it. I'll sign anything. That's fine.
That's your motto? You'll sign anything?
I'll sign anything. As a lady comic, do you have to
sign men's genitals? I don't know. That's the first thing You'll sign anything? I'll sign anything. As a lady comic, do you have to sign men's genitals?
I don't know. That's the first thing that popped into my head.
Doesn't happen as much as you want.
Whip it out. Let's sign it. Stretch it out.
Let's get a signature on. Let the people know.
Tweet it. Hashtag foreskin signed.
Okay.
Stretch it out, boys.
Well, thank you for being here Emma
And we'll talk to you more a little later in the show
Fantastic
Did anybody bring any donettis?
No
You did!
Toss up some donettis
That's amazing
Toss those up here
Yay
She loves donettis
I do love donettis
Thank you Oh these are just donuts They're just fucking donuts dude of Donettis. That's amazing. Toss those up here. Yay. She loves Donettis. I do love Donettis.
Thank you. Oh, these are just donuts.
These are just fucking donuts, dude.
These are just donuts. Wow, okay.
What a liar.
Because one time Emma was on the show and we had you know, hostess Donettes,
the little ones. Oh yeah, I know.
And she said, I've always thought those were called Donettis.
Yeah.
I stand by it.
It hasn't been cleared up.
It's not like Hostess has gotten back to me and been like, please stop mispronouncing our product.
Well, you don't have to read out loud to do comedy.
Donettis.
See?
It feels right.
All right.
It's also a treat today to have Amy Miller on the panel everybody
my first time in Houston
and I'm leaving in three hours
you've never set foot here before never set foot here it's so strange I don't know why
and you were here last night hanging out yeah did you get
into some fun oh yeah i went to applebee's by my hotel i thought they only had uh local style
restaurants here it was really had big chains and hamburgers and whiskey all right well there's
another thing you've done since you got here that i'll ask you about in a little bit, because that's a question I ask.
Prostitution.
Yes.
I say, I go down the line and say, when was the last time you were with a paid escort of either sex?
And you all have to answer.
But that's coming up a little later in the show.
That's in the after dark part of the show.
That mostly just happens in my head.
Talking Doug.
But also joining us.
Yeah.
Talking Doug.
Oh my God.
Another great idea.
Do you want to host it?
Do you want to host Talking Doug?
Of course.
It's a show where you and a guest listen to an episode of Doug Loves Movies
and then your show is just talking
about that episode. I mean,
talking shit about you is one of my favorite
things. Wait, what?
I gotta take back this
idea. I'll host
Talking Doug.
Why doesn't Sheriff Rick host
Talking Dead? It would be so much better.
He just sits in the host chair going,
Where's Carl?
I've never seen that show.
No, but in real life he'd be like,
Where's Carl?
Because he's all fucking British and shit.
But thank you for being here
and for giving me a great idea for a show.
And also joining us,
and I'm super excited about this
because we're going to go watch him
perform later this evening, those of us that aren't
leaving town immediately. I'm so sad.
It's Harmar Superstar,
everybody. Hey, how's it
going?
What's happening, everybody?
I'll call him Sean from time to time
because saying Harmar Superstar
repeatedly just gets tedious.
Yeah, it's long. It's too long.
Yeah, and Harmar, you know,
because it's your name.
It's a little too familiar.
Yeah, it's so much more fun to speak.
I will say, since Doug
shamed me that I have seen you upwards
of eight or nine times in my life.
Where have you seen me?
Seattle, Portland,
San Francisco, so many places. I'm not following you.
She only stalks exclusively in the Pacific Northwest.
I like there to be fog when I watch you.
Too hot for a sunny day, you know?
Sexy show.
So where are you performing tonight?
We are playing a festival called Madness on Main at the White Oak Music Hall.
That's over on Main Street here in Houston.
Yes.
And it's a festival with a lot of acts, but you don't go on tonight until 10-ish.
So if anybody wants to stay and see Emma Arnold do stand-up and then run over and see Harmar Superstar,
it's all doable.
Yeah, full dance card.
Or get on a plane with me.
That's another option.
If you can afford it, just fly out with Amy.
Just leave.
Where are you headed to?
It was a cheap flight back to L.A.
L.A., whoever's going to L.A. tonight,
get on that flight with Amy,
and that'll be great.
Do not sit next to me.
Here's another cool thing about what
Sean is doing is that he's on a tour
where he's
performing. I'm talking about you
like you're not even sitting right there.
But it's a tribute to
Sam Cooke.
Yeah.
Tonight, actually, we're doing just a regular old
Oh, god damn it. I'll sing you some Sam Cooke. Yeah. Tonight, actually, we're doing just a regular old... Oh, goddammit!
Well, I'll sing you some Sam Cooke songs tonight.
But the rest
of the tour is a tribute to Sam Cooke.
Yes. We're doing an hour of his songs
and about 40 minutes of my own.
So it's the longest
sets I've ever played in a suit.
Sweatiest shows possible.
And it's a lot
of fun. Wait, when you get to your songs,
can't you just take all your shirt off
like you would normally do?
I don't really go for it like that on this tour.
I feel like it'd be kind of a
kick to the gravestone or something.
You know what I mean?
I just want to pay respect to Sam Cooke
as much as I can.
I love that.
Yeah, you know, it's a classy, grown-up
show.
Mine is not. I just want to be
clear about that. Perfect.
But tonight,
tonight, I'm going to be a full-on
idiot, so don't worry about it. Okay, tonight's a
normal idiot show. And I will be
shirtless on the plane.
It's not illegal yet, right?
Wait, what?
Nudity's alright on a plane?
Well, it's not a weapon.
Not technically.
I don't know.
I could see some terrorists
using nudity to distract.
I mean, it's ruined some lives, but...
See, that's why I wanted to go back to why nobody should sit next to you on a plane.
What happens?
I just don't really want to talk.
Oh, thank you, Doug.
Just let me know.
Mama's juice.
Well, I mean...
Get Shelby the juice.
Steel Magnolias? Oh, I know. Dolly Parton's in Magnolias oh I know
Dolly Parton's in it
you know I know
drink your juice Shelby
don't talk about me
like I'm not here
alright so, besides those box of donuts you just got handed,
do you have anything for the prize bag?
I do. Here, pass those to Doug.
Okay, let me get those donuts.
Those are just plain donuts, dude.
Oh, it's also your name tag.
It's just a name tag.
Plain, no sprinkles, no chocolate.
That's fine.
But I mean, if you're going to pass something up to me.
Okay, for the prize bag.
So I'm on tour right now.
So I brought a bunch of my merch stuff.
So I have buttons that are my merch buttons.
One says fucky.
I'm super duper at merch.
And I got some,
I got one of my albums and I've
got, my
tour is sponsored by Lady Bits
Toiletries, which is a vaginal
pH cream.
Yes.
They paid for our...
Thank you.
That is what that deserves. Thank you, Doug. They paid for our... Yes! Woo! Woo! Thank you. That is what that deserves.
Thank you, Doug.
They paid for my tour, man.
Somebody enjoy a cream-filled donut.
Thank you.
PH cream donut.
No, it fixes the cream filling.
Yep.
It's going to balance your PH out.
Makes it a regular glaze.
Which is all this guy could ever find anyway.
Regular glazed.
Nothing fancy.
Hey, and if one of these donuts comes your way during the show,
they're extremely sticky and good luck with that.
Yeah.
Yep.
They do not come with a wet nap.
And I got a tour poster and I put a sample
of the Lady Ph cream in here.
So if the lady wins it, you are going to be ready for a big night.
A big night. That's my prize bag.
It's also in a Happy Father's Day bag.
Oh, that's very sweet.
Happy Father's Day, Doug.
I never had one, so.
That's nice, because if a guy wins the bag who likes girls,
you know, if someone comes over, you can be like,
oh, why don't you use a little bit of this?
Here, squirt a little of that.
Get right back to it.
You need some balance.
This is very imbalanced.
I like it.
You will also be able to satisfy her appetite
with a Stroopwafel that they gave me on the plane.
I love Stroopwafel.
Stroopwafel.
You can play her some rap music.
My album that looks like a rap album but isn't,
Smug Life.
I've also got a Douglas Movies t-shirt and Sean Harmar Superstar Tour poster that says
the music of Sam Cooke on it and it's got all the dates on there.
Where do you go to next?
We play Austin next tonight.
Road trip to Austin tomorrow night, you guys.
Yeah, and Monday too, actually. Okay, great. We added another. Yeah, we're in Austin next too. Road trip to Austin tomorrow night, you guys. Yeah, and Monday, too, actually.
Okay, great.
Yeah, we're in Austin next, too.
Oh, my gosh.
Should we just go on tour and we'll call ourselves the normal idiots or whatever that sounds like?
The reverent idiots.
The Donettis.
The Donettis, there you go.
Perfect.
La Croix Donetti.
And I love these Harmar Superstar sunglasses so much that they're not going in the prize
box.
Oh!
I can get you another pair.
I'm joking around.
He can hook me up.
And then I brought one of these beauties, a Christmassy rubber bong from Peacemaker.
And what do you got for us, Amy?
I'll hold your drink.
Thank you so much, Doug.
Okay, a lot of good stuff.
This is an official Bojack Horseman tote bag.
Oh, nice.
Okay, got a copy of Bad Boys 1 and 2 on DVD.
Got an official T-shirt
from the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival
In Atlanta
Where I did great
And the industry didn't care
Got a pack of playing cards
Bob Ross playing cards
Hey, my album
Look how sexy this is, Sean
Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about I got vinyl Pete, my album. Look how sexy this is, Sean.
Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
I got vinyl.
And I also have them for sale after the show.
They're 20 bucks.
One more thing.
And I got a rocket fizz.
Super dope Top Gun picture.
Oh, wow.
Thumbs up, everybody. Wow. Top Gun picture. Oh wow. Thumbs up everybody. Top Gun 2 in production right now.
That's it.
What a sexy prize bag.
Thank you.
I'm also, you know, I have one of my beers here down there.
Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I'm trying to build up to the absolute best.
Yeah.
The absolute best things in the prize bag.
How dare you.
I fucked that up.
Yeah, so I've got the best
thing, but this is probably one of the second
best things
because it's a beer
that says Harmar Superstar on it
and what
size do they call this?
It's a Tallboy. A Tallboy.
It's the 5x16 ounce personal
Tallboy Best Summer Ever beer.
Yeah, from Modest Brewing?
Yeah, Modest.
Yeah, Modest Brewery in Minneapolis.
No, it's spelled.
It's spelled.
Come on.
It's M-O-D-I-S-T.
Modest.
He has the right to call it Modest if he needs to.
Yeah, it's spelled stupid.
I'm sticking up for you, man.
All of that's going in the prize bag.
And also,
save the best for last,
a copy of Austin Magazine.
Had a great time there last weekend,
so you should read about it.
There's no articles about me and Austin.
There should be.
But I just mean you should read up on Austin.
Oh, we're going to be covering it on Talking Doug next week.
I think it should just be all the guests talking shit about Doug.
Yes.
People talk shit right in front of me.
Why do we need a separate show?
No, you have to be sitting there, I thought, for the show.
I pictured you sitting on the stage with no mic
and then the three of us,
the three guests on Talking Dope.
I think he's in a glass case
and he can hear us, but we can't hear him.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, like he's in the glass case with the headphones on
waiting and then he has to come out
and guess what we've said about him.
Well, it's interesting.
We have wildly different ideas
about the direction of this show.
But we can discuss it later.
In the meantime, Emma,
I need to know.
I need to know.
Tell me, baby girl.
Whoa!
Whoa!
I need to know.
Tell me, baby girl.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
What was the last movie you saw?
I saw Deadpool two times in a row,
Deadpool 2, with my sons.
They made me see it,
and then we saw it immediately the next day,
right away again.
They loved it so much.
And they're what ages now?
They are 10, 13, and 15.
Yeah, and what do you need to be to get into an R-rated film?
Yeah.
Look, man.
No, I'm with you.
I'd take them to wherever the fuck they want to see it,
because it's two hours of them enjoying themselves quietly.
They love it. Yeah.
No. Somebody was like,
that has a pegging joke in there. Do you want your kids to hear that? I was like, absolutely.
Hear it? Yes.
The joke is you see it happen.
I mean, Deadpool
1, he gets pegged. He doesn't get pegged in 2.
I mean, I don't want to spoil it for anybody.
It's not a double pegger.
There's a... There's a reference to pegging
In the second one
A very loving reference to pegging in the second one
There's a lot of references
There was a lot of nods in the audience when I said that
And I like that, people were like that was a very loving nod
People were into it
Yeah
That's cool though
I'm glad you liked it enough to see it with them twice yeah
you weren't tempted to just drop him off the second time well I was going on tour and so I
wasn't gonna see him for two weeks so I was like what do you guys want to do let's hang out and
they're like see Deadpool again and I was like oh okay so that's what we did we went two times
right in a row I liked it I was it's funny. It's fun. You know, it's violent.
That's all I really want from a movie is just some fun and violence.
Yeah.
Sean, what was the last movie you saw?
In the theater, the last one I saw was Solo.
I know.
I was going to get a mix.
We're not interested in who you went with.
We want to know.
Oh. the full title
oh you know
what's the full title of the last movie you saw
the naming scene oh uh
I guess uh
wow you're already losing points
we haven't started the game yeah exactly
I don't know do I do I need to know
it's called solo a star wars story
okay nerds whatever Exactly. I don't know. Do I need to know? It's called Solo, A Star Wars Story.
Okay, nerds.
Whatever.
I'm such a nerd.
Okay, people, read the words on the screen that happen at the beginning.
What a bunch of assholes.
And what did you think of it?
Did you like it?
You know, I had a lot of fun watching it.
I think most movies are about a half hour too long lately.
But I really had a good time watching it.
I thought the Chewbacca and Han Solo backstory was really fun.
Yeah.
And Donald Glover was amazing.
And Zlando, I thought.
And I don't know.
I don't see where the hatred's coming from.
Because I thought it was just a really fun heist movie.
Well, I think it's not as much hatred as sort of disinterest
because if you're a certain age,
you didn't care that much about the early
very first Star Wars movies
and then
on top of that, it's just
another Star Wars six months later
after a kind of divisive one.
I guess, I mean, and that's the thing.
My Star Wars kind of whole view is a little bit skewed
because I'm 40, so when I was really, like,
getting into Star Wars, like, for real,
it was when Return of the Jedi came out,
so I really liked the Ewoks.
Yeah, from Jump, you were super Ewok-y.
I was Ewok-y. I liked the Ewoks.
Yeah, and then you couldn't quit loving the cute parts.
Stop it, yeah. For the rest of the time, you're like, fucking bring like the Ewoks. And then you couldn't quit loving the cute parts for the rest of the time.
You're like, fucking bring on the pork. Yeah, give me a pork.
Give me a... I don't know.
You know, okay, okay.
When I knew I truly arrived
in my life and I didn't really need to
achieve anything anymore was
when Jar Jar
Binks was on the cover of Rolling Stone
and the headline was Jar Jar Superstar.
And so I got to be associated with the worst character
of maybe any franchise of all time.
And I loved that.
I thought it was a great, totally, perfectly crappy.
All right. And he was on the cover of Rolling Stone at one point, totally perfectly crappy. Alright.
And he was on the cover of Rolling Stone at one point, by the way.
So,
R.I.P., I guess. I don't know.
Is he dead?
Yeah. Jar Jar?
Yeah. He dead?
No, he shows up in the Star Tours ride.
He's like, come over here.
Mesa wanna show you something.
That's a hologram.
You're living a fantasy, Doug.
Amy, what was the last movie you saw?
Well, Doug woke up today and I was like,
I'm going to see some museums and parks and shit.
And then I went outside and I was like,
I think Doug would want me to see a
movie so I went to Oceans 8 which I loved loved it uh so so exciting you know I love Oceans 11
I love girls um because I am one I love that they they're finally showcasing how much white ladies steal.
That's good.
Because we steal constantly.
But I also
just
really hurt my heart
how in this movie
a few of the ladies have to
full on apply for
and get real jobs to pull off this heist
like has anyone seen it yet no yeah it's not it's great but that's the guy that still hasn't seen
the new ghostbusters
it makes so much sense that an all-female reboot of a caper movie
would be like them being overqualified for normal jobs,
doing it really well, and getting the same result
as a guy who just put on the shirt.
They're like, like, Cate Blanchett is, like,
running a kitchen and a food truck.
I'm not kidding you.
They all have to get jobs.
It's really good, though.
Well, I'm only at this taping as
part of a heist, actually.
This is all just part of the grand scheme.
Oh, wait. Can I talk?
Yes, talk. Doug, a little bit about
a trailer I saw.
Can we finish up with Ocean Date first?
I was done.
Okay, yeah, go ahead.
Have you seen it? No, I haven't seen it, but I still had I was done. Okay, yeah, go ahead. Have you seen it?
No, I haven't seen it, but I still had something to say.
Oh, yeah, tell me.
I love movies.
I think you'll really like it.
It's great.
I think I will too, but I just think it's funny that in heist movies,
they work harder than people that have jobs.
You know what I mean?
So it's funny that you said that they also have to apply for jobs.
They have to go through so much mundane shit to pull off this fancy heist.
There's literally a scene where one of them goes to an interview.
It's amazing.
I think you'll really like it.
I love caper movies in general.
Like, Sneakers is one of my favorite movies of all time.
I love any caper because it seems easier than doing work.
I want free money.
But comedy is kind of like that sometimes.
That's what I was saying recently about Ferris Bueller.
Like, he works so hard to not go to school.
Like, it's easier to just go fucking sleep on your desk all day.
That's true.
Just smoke weed outside the gym, man.
That shitty dumb teacher's standing around going,
Bueller!
Bueller!
Why does he have to be pretending to be sick?
Why does he have to heat up his own head?
That was a really good impression.
Spirits walk in, he's got his head in boiling water.
Ferris, what are you doing?
I don't feel so good.
Yeah, you should have just put the thermometer
up and the light, like Elliot
in E.T.
It's easy.
Okay, so you want to talk about a trailer?
Just really briefly.
Sure.
A trailer for a Star is Born remake.
Yeah, with Gaga and Bradley Cooper.
Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, and Dave Chappelle.
Dave Chappelle as the black friend.
Inspirational black friend.
Yeah, very helpful.
You should keep singing country music.
And Bradley Cooper's like, all right.
But I know this lady who sings real good, but she's so ugly, no one will ever buy it.
That's the whole movie.
Wow.
Yeah, it's a remake of, like, you know.
Oh, yeah.
The Streisand.
When Streisand did it, she was, you know, considered, like, you know. Chris Christopherson. That sort of. Oh, Streisand. She was, you know, considered like,
you know,
that sort of sexiest man,
not conventionally beautiful.
Judy Garland,
of course.
I don't know.
Stars born is the weirdest story.
Cause it's,
it's the same thing every time.
It's about how you shouldn't like fall in love with someone who's going to
become huger than you.
Yeah.
Uh,
cause then that's good.
That's going to be bad. That's going to become huger than you. Because then that's going to be bad.
That's going to not work out for anybody.
Yes, I've met comedy
couples.
But I can't...
I saw Chappelle and I just
started laughing so hard.
Nobody else in the theater was laughing.
I think that movie looks great, but just because
at first I didn't know Bradley Cooper could
sing. and then
Gaga is in there singing.
And also with her hair just sort of straight,
she's not going to be
wearing a meat dress in it.
She's just going to be just a great singer.
Oh, well then pass.
I'm excited. Hard pass.
Hard pass. No meat dress. I was under the
impression it was a Star Wars
story. It's Star Star Super Star is Wars, A Star Wars Story.
It's Star Star Super Star
is what they're calling it.
That's what I would ask for
when I buy a ticket to a Star Wars.
Can I have a ticket to Star Star Super Star?
All right.
Well, that was a great talking portion,
but now we have to do the part where we still use words,
but we play some games.
Let the games begin!
Who wants me to hit their sign with a donut?
You do? Okay.
All right, so everybody pick a name tag or a sign, whatever you want to call them.
And can we get the house lights up a little bit?
Thank you for whatever this is.
Oh, it's napkins.
Wow, this is going fast.
Oh, there are the lights.
We'll be right back after these messages.
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Back to the show.
We're back.
That was awesome, you guys.
What a great job.
Wow.
You did.
What an intermission.
Emma, who are you playing for?
I am playing for Will Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory.
And look, he made me Wednesday Addams, which is all I've ever wanted.
Why would Wednesday Addams be on the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
Shut up, Doug!
Let me have this.
I don't know.
There's a whole cast of characters.
Oh, yeah.
He added a bunch of people to it.
Oh, you know what?
I'm an idiot.
Okay? It's clearly Baruch Assault from Willy Wonka. Oh yeah, he added a bunch of people to it. Oh, you know what? I'm an idiot. Okay.
It's clearly Baruch Assault from Willy Wonka. Oh my god.
I'm such a bonehead.
Oh boy.
That's a little scary.
Everyone laughed when you made fun of me, so
that worked out. I know. That was a nice twist.
Okay, I want a new poster, so
no, I'm just kidding.
So you're playing for his name's Will? I'm Ruka Salt.
And his name is Will?
His name's Will, yeah.
Okay.
Good job, Will.
Thanks, Will.
Big Addams Family fan?
Oh.
Sean, what do you got?
I'm playing for Little Steve of Horrors up here.
Whoa.
I love Little Shop of Horrors.
I like that.
My eye was immediately drawn
to this amazing
part.
Don't read what it says
on the back, though.
I mean, you can read it, but don't read it aloud.
I'm reading it, man.
If you lose today, that's what I have to say
at the end of the show.
Oh my God. You can put them have to say. If you lose today, that's what I have to say at the end of the show. Oh, my God.
Yeah.
But you guys can put him down on the ground if you want.
Amy, what do you got?
Okay, I'm playing for Ben, right?
Okay, for a couple reasons.
I never saw anyone do the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai before.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Benzai.
Oh, that's cool.
Also, $25 Fandango gift card.
That's why I picked it.
Even though I have MoviePass, I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
But here's what I didn't realize.
He made it a real name check, guys.
Never seen that before.
Yeah, you just hang it around your neck.
It's nice.
You should wear it on the plane, act like you're a special person.
It's not illegal. It's not illegal. Yes. It's nice You should wear it on the plane Act like you're a special person It's not illegal
It's not illegal
Yes
It's just
It's just jewelry
Just no shirt
And this
And they're like
Is that just a movie poster
With Doug Benson's face on it
Yeah
It's a weird thing
It's a long story
You gotta
He probably wants his
Sign back But you can keep the Fandango gift card Gift cards for me right Yeah Thanks Ben It's a long story He probably wants his sign back
But you can keep the Fandango gift card
Gift card's for me right?
Thanks Ben you know I always lose I love you
You've taken the bribery aspect
To the next level because people usually
Put joints or little bottles of Tito's
But not a $25 gift certificate
I did try to drop a lot of hints
That I was going to Houston on Twitter
So that someone would put my name on a tag.
I like it.
It never works.
I like that game.
Oh, it doesn't?
Did it work?
Nope.
You put me on?
No.
Why are you holding it up then?
Nobody put me on
But she just held her text
They didn't figure it out
It was a well kept secret
You know
Because they went nuts
When I introduced you
So like you know
They're excited that you're here
That's very nice
You guys are always the best
Super nice
Best fans in the world
She loves
I thought you meant Houston
Which you've never been to before
Yeah
Houston's always nice
It's so nice And I'm leaving immediately So it's great Yeah. Houston's always nice. It's so nice, and I'm leaving immediately.
So it's great.
No, your fans are always nice.
Yeah, they are.
They are, it's true.
We are.
Their Ocean's 8 was just fantastic.
How's Anne Hathaway in that?
Oh, she's great.
Yeah?
She plays herself, pretty much.
Yeah, real.
She's a little bitch actress.
She plays herself, pretty much.
Yeah, real.
She's a little bitch actress.
You don't even know how to turn a compliment around.
She's my mom. I'm Tommy.
Okay, so I got to bring out a special guest
to help us out with our first game.
It's Dale Cheeseman here.
Dale Cheeseman, everybody.
Houston comedy phenom.
I have nowhere else to be.
What up, Houston?
He's crushing.
Yeah.
We had to have you come by.
When I say we, I just mean me.
I decide everything.
I had to have you show up today
because you are a Houston comedy phenom.
Thank you all for coming to the Cheeseman room
at the Secret Group.
Yes.
That's what they're going to call it when you die,
so hurry up.
Be here next week.
Limited space for the funeral.
But thanks for being here to do
like what normally is done by Mark Wahlberg,
but we've had it done by other friends of the show.
And we're going to do it today.
It's called Doing doing lines with Dale and here's
how it works everybody on the stage Dale's gonna say a line from a motion
picture I haven't coached him on what to pick or what to do and then you guys all
just guess as often as you can until he tells you you're correct.
I like to play along in my head. I won't say out loud what I think it is. And no audience guesses, please. And are you ready, Dale?
Yeah, this is my first acting audition, so I'm pretty nervous, but I think I got it.
This is pretty normal.
Yeah, they think you should say look good, feel good before you get into it, just like
Mark.
Look good and feel good. That's not how he got it. This is pretty normal. Yeah, they think you should say look good, feel good before you get into it, just like Mark. Look good and feel good.
That's not how he does it.
That's not how Mark Wahlberg does it.
It helps.
It does help.
Okay, good.
That's how he would never do it.
Boogie nights.
I mean, I know I feel good.
Boogie nights.
All right, here we go.
All right, this is it for real.
This is happening. I'm going to have to say this quick, All right, here we go. All right, this is it for real.
This is happening.
I'm going to have to say this quick,
or I'm going to have a massive coronary,
and then you're never going to hear it,
and you have to.
This is by far the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.
Of my... So dumb that I can't...
But I'm going to.
Michael, I love you.
I've loved you for nine years I've just been
Too arrogant and scared
To realize
My best friend's wedding
The one with Tom Cruise
Where he is a football guy
No Amy got it
Okay
Can I finish it?
My best friend's wedding
You were acting the shit out of that
I'm not done
I'm not done
I'm not done
It was so moving.
Oh my goodness.
I was telling you
it was from the movie Michael
and you just gave it away
in the first word.
I've just been too arrogant
and scared to realize it.
Now I'm just scared.
Look, I know this comes
at a really inopportune time,
but...
I'm going to have to ask a
gigantic favor of you, but
choose me.
Marry me.
Let me make you happy.
I love you now.
I guess that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?
Wow.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Woo.
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
Oh, man.
You know,
young Julia Roberts
always on the edge
of a massive coronary.
As soon as you said it,
I was like,
Tommy Boy?
No.
Shit, that actor's high, you know?
You're thinking of runners.
I'm not.
I'm not thinking of runners.
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy in a tiny coat.
Trying to give you some housekeeping.
No, you don't fuck off.
You leave in a graceful and dignified manner.
Let's do some plugs. What do you got coming up?
Absolutely nothing. This was the big one.
Say it again.
No, I gotta...
What's your
Twitter name?
Dale Cheeseman.
Dale Cheeseman, four.
Oh, four.
There's fucking four Dale Cheesemans,
three Dale Cheesemans ahead of him.
Two of them are dead.
And Dale Cheeseman, negative one.
Yeah.
We're doing Wits End
at Sterling House on the 12th.
Going camping this weekend.
Yeah, which rocks
can people look for you on?
Hot takes at the Secret Group
on the 29th.
It's an awesome show with comics.
Come check it out.
All right.
Would you like a donut?
I would.
There you go.
I should say these donuts were,
it was a name tag
and he gave it up
before the name tag selection
so he took himself
out of the running.
Yeah. But it's pretty cool.
It's Sleepaway Del Camp. Your name's Del?
Del Camp.
Your whole name is Del Camp?
Oh, okay. So Sleepaway Del Camp.
Just the most horrifically
scary moment.
It's a very scary image from the film
and whose face is on there?
That's you, okay.
That's his face on the
what do you call that character at the end?
She's a lady with
a man dick.
A trans woman.
Trans woman.
I knew I wanted to say it
the right way.
Lady with a man dick is not the right
way to say it.
You don't say. I am ashamed. It's okay, we're in Texas. is not the right way to say it. Nope. Nope. You don't say.
I am ashamed.
It's okay.
We're in Texas.
You found the right.
Don't try this in San Francisco.
What, in front of all those tech workers?
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
All those startup people are going to be offended
by my lady with a dick jokes.
Dale, it's always a pleasure to see you.
Enjoy your, what looks like a cranberry juice and a donut.
Got it. Read you loud and clear. Here we go.
Dale Kiesman, everybody.
What a terrific appearance from Dale.
We'll have him back on the show again.
I couldn't tell that he had started.
He's so good.
He was like, I might have a massive coronary.
And I was like, deep breath, baby.
There's only like 100 people here.
Calm down.
But then it was part of the...
He just crushed so hard, I feel inadequate now.
Yeah.
Well, you know, we're not to...
We're not going to force you to act out.
You'll be fine.
Don't you worry about it.
Because this next game is a brand new game.
Oh, no.
Yeah. Amy gets to go first.
Sorry, Ben.
In a game I thought of yesterday
in a fever dream.
Sorry, Ben.
In a game I thought of yesterday,
in a fever dream.
And somebody will come out,
somebody will say on Twitter,
I suggested that game years ago.
Okay, well, I finally warmed up to it.
I finally had your idea.
Yeah.
But they didn't have the great name for it that I have.
So sit back and enjoy a game called Duomelifant.
Let me try it again.
Say it again. Thank you for saying what, sir?
Great name.
Because clearly you were the only one that didn't get it.
It's a hit. It's a hit.
It's a hit.
Dumele-phant.
Yeah, and this is how this game works.
Each of you has to guess whether or not a movie
features Josh Dumele from TV's Las Vegas
or Timothy Olyphant from TV's Justifying.
Okay.
Here's why I always resisted it.
I resisted it as a concept because people have suggested it.
I resisted it because I thought I know the difference between Josh Duhamel and Timothy Oliphant.
But the longer I thought about it, I thought, but my guests might not know the difference because they're super sim.
And I figured let's give it a try and see how it goes.
Plus, also, I thought of Dumelefont.
Yeah, that name just works.
When you know, after you know.
You know, the Dumelefonts are the scariest creatures in the Harry Potter series.
All right, so this is how this game's going to work.
Amy's going to go first, then we're going to go with Sean,
then we're going to go to Emma,
and they each get one guess,
and if none of the three of them get it right...
Well, the third one's always going to get it right,
now that you mention it.
So...
Now that I mention it.
So only the first two people get a guess,
and then...
No, no, I like that. I got this, I got it. So only the first two people get a guess.
No, no, I like that. I got this.
I got a lot of Tito's in me
and a lot of weed,
but I got this.
If the person I say it to doesn't get it right,
we move on to the next one.
So each one gets one
and we'll see how it goes.
Yeah, because once you miss,
then the next guest,
if they don't get it, that's super dumb.
No, we got it. We understand the number two.
Number two, we got it.
Got it, got it.
I think you could figure that out without
ever having taken math.
Just that once one's taken, the other
one will be there.
And this is what we'll do.
We'll go until one of you gets two of them right.
So Amy gets to go first.
Which of those dudes, Josh Duhamel or Timothy Olyphant,
is in a movie called When in Rome?
Josh.
Is Duhamel in it?
That is correct.
Yes.
Thank you.
Sean, which one, Dumel or Oliphant, is in Ramona and Beezus?
I'm going to go Oliphant.
I love the collective, oh, in the crowd.
Oh, oh. I'm just willing Oliphant to be in that movie. the collective oh in the crowd oh
oh
I'm just willing
Ola Fan
to do that movie
because he's so much
more intense
than Dino
I think most people
here barely even know
that Ramona and Beezus
was ever a thing
no I didn't know
it was a movie at all
it's based on a book
I guess
yeah
a kid's book
so you and Ola Fan
told me that one
and I'm sorry to say
it's Josh Duhamel oh no that sounds about right I think Ola Fan and I'm sorry to say it's Josh Duhamel
that sounds about right
I think Ola Fan would be really intense in that film
which I think would be great
I was willing that
into existence
now just ask me that same one
Ola Fan sort of is the intense
Josh Duhamel
Duhamel is usually
I'm not going to say anymore because I don't want to help anybody out.
Emma, which one is in
New Year's Eve?
Cast of thousands
in that one.
I'm realizing maybe I've only ever
thought they were Oliphant.
I did not know there was another.
Oh, that they're all Oliphant all the time?
Wow, he works a lot.
Okay, so you're going Oliphant?
No, I'm going with all. Wow. He works a lot. Every one of them is Olyphant. Okay, so you're going Olyphant? No, I'm going with Josh Duhamel.
Whatever he said his name was.
Jason Duval.
All right.
That's my answer.
So you're going with Josh Duhamel?
Yes.
No, I'm going with Olyphant.
Okay, final.
Which one do you want?
Do you want to flip a coin?
Final answer, Oliphant.
Okay, you're going Oliphant.
Okay.
Okay.
Josh Duhamel is the answer. God damn it.
God damn it.
I thought it was an entire ensemble, just Oliphant playing every character.
It's hard to tell where one starts and the other ends for me.
40 Oliphants.
Wow.
Here we go.
You got to get drunk to get on a plane.
Bert Kreischer style.
I always think that,
and then I remember I parked at the airport.
Oh, you think it's going to be a 10-minute flight?
Oh, I'm going to get home. You 10 minute flight? I'll take you home.
You could sober up in two and a half hours.
Right? Yeah, I could.
Okay.
I could, but I'm not gonna.
We're back to you, Amy.
And if you get this right, you're the winner of this game.
Yeah.
And if you get it wrong, no shame in your game.
A motion picture called Movie 43.
Did you ever see that movie?
Great title.
Yeah, it's my favorite.
It has 43 actors in it.
Seven of them are Halle Berry.
Okay.
Which way are you going on this one?
I'm going to go
just
because I feel like I know you.
I'm going to go Josh.
This is a test of our friendship.
What is it about me that you know that makes you say Josh?
I feel like you'd put him four times in a row just to fuck with us.
Oh.
Oh.
Mm.
Mm.
Yeah.
Josh Duhamel is the correct answer.
We love each other.
That makes sense.
This is why you're the host of Talking Ducks.
Because you know him.
You know him better than anybody.
So what is movie 43 anyway?
I've never heard of it.
It was kind of a sketch comedy movie with lots of vignettes.
With Josh Duhamel?
And Halle Berry.
And it's really got a huge cast of people in it.
Everyone known for comedy.
Well, you know, like Jason Sudeikis, I think, might be in it.
Statham?
You know, let's save this for another game.
Probably.
A game for another day.
Who's in movie 43?
Who gives a fuck?
Just forever.
This is like a three-hour show until you get it right.
It was very poorly received by critics and audiences.
It did not do well.
I think it might have even won some Razzies
or certainly got nominated for some.
But some people like it, right?
See, there you go.
Real fans.
You guys love this.
Two Movie 43 lovers.
Now, did you see Movie 42 to prepare?
Is that why you liked it?
United 93 to prepare.
Movie 43 2 is coming out.
Yeah, I mean, that's already a title that just says,
you know what?
We don't care if people notice this movie.
We quit before we...
This is a tax write-off.
Weird generic title.
I don't know. Blink-182 did okay.
Yeah, they did.
They got a residency in Vegas now.
They do?
Yeah.
The original lineup?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Yeah, I think one dude's out.
But Matt Skiba's in, and I love Matt Skiba,
so I want to see that version.
Oh, that's cool.
All right.
Oh, we like it again.
We're in. We're in, guys. Oh Oh, we like it again. We're in.
We're in, guys.
Oh, okay.
We're in.
We're in.
When I go to that show,
I want to show them my ID
and then when they hand it back to me,
I'm going to say,
what's my age again?
I ain't going to say it ain't so.
I will not go.
Turn the lights off.
Carry me home, you know?
Nah, nah.
Nah.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Earlier Amy asked for the lights to be turned up.
You turned them up.
But that time when she said turn them off, she did not mean it.
She was just quoting a song.
She's the one that's really in charge around here.
You want to play our final game of the day?
Because there's weed to be smoking, right?
Smoking This is a little something
And Amy will get to go first once again
But then we'll switch the order
I'll go to Emma and then Sean
And then I play along on this one
Because of course
It's Last Man Stanton!
Before we do that, these guys don't sponsor this show, but Savage Jerky makes handcrafted,
tender brisket, premium beef jerky.
You know it's good when there's many words to describe what it is.
And this here bag is ghost pepper
buffalo sauce
jerky.
Who on the panel would like to try a piece?
I'd like one.
Alright, Amy's in.
Is this keto friendly?
Well, Will Leonard tried one earlier
and he had a delayed reaction,
but he did react to how insanely hot it is.
You okay, Will?
He's fine.
I'll just take a little.
Yeah, don't go too crazy.
That's a lot.
They give you nice big pieces.
Touch your eyes.
Don't touch your eyes.
Touch your eyes.
That's great lifetime advice.
Wait, you're all eating the same piece? That's literally lifetime advice. Wait, you're all eating the same piece?
That's literally my cake.
I love when ghost pepper gets rubbed on my jeans.
Nothing more.
It is spicy?
Very spicy.
So good.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, we ate all the same piece.
We're friends.
I just took a whiff of it and I didn't like that.
for friends.
I just took a whiff of it and I didn't like that.
They're going to make Lady Gaga's dress
out of that for
Star is Born.
But they got lots of other flavors that I
enjoy a great deal.
Canceling the tour, guys.
Takes a while to hit you.
It's over.
You really do have to save your throat
when you're on tour,
don't you?
I mean, I guess.
I don't know.
I should.
Do you smoke anything?
Yeah, I smoke a lot of cigarettes and weed.
And then you sing so beautifully.
Okay, that's cool.
Could you pass me down a donut?
Because this is very spicy.
Can we all share a donut?
I might need, I just ran out of beer.
There ain't no donut-ies though, that's true.
These are crap.
These are real ass donuts.
Can I throw one?
What's with all the sharing?
I don't like that.
There's plenty of food to waste.
Can I throw one? Yeah, please. Amy's gonna throw
a donut.
Nice. Oh, good catch,
girl. It's pretty exciting,
isn't it? But your hands get too
sticky. Oh, I got napkins too, you guys. It's not as
intense as I thought. You're right
in the front row, dude.
Floor donut!
It's so hot.
It sneaks up on you.
I was like, this is nothing.
Get more of a challenge.
Few rows back.
I already hit that one, didn't I?
Yeah, get one further back.
I don't want to hit that little scully
from Monsters, Inc.
Or he's Mike.
He's Mike, sorry. Fuck he's Mike. He's Mike.
Sorry.
Fucked it up.
I'm going to hit that one.
Mike was up.
It's small,
but I'm going to hit it.
You can get everyone
to put up their fingers.
Yeah, just do it
like a ring toss.
Do it like a ring toss.
Put your finger up.
That's a great idea.
Do it underhand.
All these years
and we finally thought
of ring toss.
Put your fingers up.
That is so smart, Sean.
Oh! Solid. That is so smart, Sean. Oh!
Solid.
If you liked it,
then you should have put a ring on it.
Hey.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Oh, Houston, Texas.
Perfect.
I can't even tell if we were successful,
but it felt good.
Well, thank God I have this vodka
to wash off my fingers.
I made that.
I already put fingers in it.
I actually told Doug
I was bringing a human finger for the gift bag,
but I failed.
All right. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. the gift bag, but I failed. Alright.
Thank you so much.
Thank you guys.
Super dope.
This is great. Thank you.
We shared donuts.
That's not what that was for.
That's for you, buddy.
There you go.
That has star all over it.
That's yours now.
We fully forgot how things just work.
Once you share a ghost jerky... Yeah, we're sisters now.
Just one girl.
All of us.
Centipede.
Wow, no.
That's not what I said at all.
You're one step away from the human centipede
if you share ghost jerky.
Yeah.
Wow.
The Hunan centipede is my favorite Chinese restaurant menu item.
I mean, I would if I didn't have to fly out.
I mean, I call middle.
You call middle
Oh you're not in charge
You're full of spot
I wish
I wish Dale had given
like that dramatic
a reading from like
something from
Human Centipede
Yeah
But like what are
the real romantic parts
The reading would be like
Sean there's somebody in the front.
All the speaking lines go to the person in the front.
Oh, God.
Everyone else, when you say,
where do you want to go to eat?
They go...
They're, oh.
They're in back.
They're definitely in back. I don't eat out.
Ew.
I never thought of that before.
Oh my God.
Wow, beautiful.
Beautiful.
I love the idea of the front guy
of the human centipede making dinner plans.
Oh, excuse me.
I think I'd have some Wendy's chili.
Oh!
Table for one, I guess?
I guess. I don't know.
Do you have bench seats at Nobu, or can we...
I don't know.
I'm picturing
my best friend's wedding
with Julia Roberts.
She's going to be played by the human centipede in this movie.
What do you think?
I think it's a great idea.
Thank you.
Next week on Talking Doug.
Doug loves it.
Way to meld together two movies I don't want to see.
No, no.
One I really don't want to see.
What about like Air Bud with the human centipede?
Super good at basketball.
Oh my God.
That would be a dog centipede.
Which is an interesting idea for the franchise.
Different creatures, centipedes.
Or the human centipede.
Centipede.
Holiday classic.
From your mouth to the god of some shitty movie company's ears.
You'll shit my eyes out, kid.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Amen.
Alright, well, we ran out of time
for the last game, but...
Oh, good,
I win. Yep, that's
how it works.
Now, Amy, you get to go first in Last Man Stanton.
This is a game where I'm going to get a name
of an actor or actress from somebody
in the audience.
And then
we take turns naming movies that person was in.
If you can't think of one, you're out. But you can go to your name
tag for your lifeline
one time during
the game. And we might get two names
if you guys don't like the first name.
And we'll know whether you like it or not
by your reaction.
Where is at as underscore seen
underscore by underscore TV?
Right here.
Hey.
Why such a complicated Twitter handle?
My initials are TV.
Your initials are TV.
Nice.
So you came up with all those underscores
And all those other words
What's your first name?
Todd
I was hoping it was television
It's television vision
That's his name
That's his own name dude
If his initials are TV
You think his name is television
And it's something that begins with a V
Vision, vision for sure What's your last name? Television, and it's something that begins with a V?
Vision. Vision, for sure.
What's your last name? Can you say it?
Say it's Vision.
Or are you trying to say anonymous?
Voss.
Voss? Like Rich Voss, the comic?
Todd Voss.
Television Voss.
Yeah.
All right.
Or Tele-Voss was taken?
All right.
Thanks, Todd Voss, for being here and having a Twitter name, reaching out to me.
Who do you think we should play today in Last Man Stanton?
Christopher Lloyd.
Christopher Lloyd.
I think that one's going to get a pass from the panel.
Cool.
Yeah, cool.
Who is that? Yeah, exactly.
I love Christopher Lloyd.
Well, don't say anything about him because Emma will find
out more about him as the game progresses.
I will. And then maybe you'll be able
to figure out what to do from there
because we're definitely going to get a
second name. We're going to have two names in place.
We'll name movies from either of these two
people. And if Emma doesn't
know who the second person is, then
fuck me. Well, you could go
to your lifeline and then hear what other people are saying.
And, you know, you know how this works.
You might get to close.
I've lost at this game many times.
Yeah, yeah.
So where is K-E-R-S, C-A-Y-E-R-S, 314?
That's it?
Yeah.
Is that your last name, K-E-R-S?
Or C-A-R-S?
I probably should write my first and last name.
Your first and last name, C-ayers?
Your first name is?
Television.
That's better than my guess, I was going to say.
Bless you.
So, bless you is not your first name?
What is it?
Chris.
Chris, okay. I didn't mean to pry.
What's the 314?
First three letters of your social?
What numbers I mean?
First three numbers?
What?
I like pi.
Oh, pi is 314?
Point, point, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I like pi. I like pi. I like pie
I like pie
Is that your first Twitter response
To anybody who writes anything on Twitter
You can't really say anything to that
Alright, what do you think we should play
Houston native Dennis Quaid
Dennis Quaid
Alright, that's interesting.
Of the Quaids.
In a boring sort of way.
Of the Houston Quaids.
The Houston Quaids, of course.
Hey, the two guys that suggested names, does either one of you want a donut?
Sure.
You'll take one?
Right into his hands.
This other one's going to be tougher. Where you at?
He gave it to his lady. Where you at, Chris?
I love you, Todd.
Alright, do you think you can catch it?
If I put it right in your hand?
Okay. Shit.
You got it. You got this.
Yeah, now this is like typical
losing in the lights.
It's a baseball cliche. It's going to happen. Yeah, now this is like typical losing in the lights. It's a baseball cliche.
It's going to happen.
Wait, which one is it?
The guy next to him is waving his hands around.
Put that finger up.
Just the guy.
Right into his fucking head.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
I love your dainty fingers. There's no more donuts.
Just got to tell them.
You don't want people sitting there going,
well, when's another donut going to come out?
I can catch.
All right.
Just pass that napkin down to me, please.
That's for me. That's mine. Your face first. that napkin down to me, please. Oh, for real?
That's for me.
That's mine.
You want to wipe your face first? Thank you so much.
Yep, everybody, get your schmutz on it.
I'm putting this on eBay.
This is for...
All right, so we're doing Christopher Lloyd and Dennis Quaid,
two great actors that taste great together.
Yeah.
And should have been in a centipede movie.
But alas, they were not.
And I'll start with you, Amy.
Name a movie with either of those two gentlemen.
Back to the Future.
Okay, that's a good answer.
Yeah, get that one off the table.
I like it.
Sean?
I mean, I gotta go to the obvious,
Back to the Future 2.
Okay.
Oh, that's Christopher Lloyd.
Okay.
That's who that is.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, that guy.
Okay, but he was only in those two movies.
Doesn't he have Parkinson's now?
It would be funny if she said that.
Okay, so what's your answer?
Oh, it's my turn?
Yeah.
Well, the only thing I can think of Dennis Quaden is that Ellen clip.
So can I...
Remember he was on Ellen and he was at Starbucks?
Can I submit that?
Wait a second.
Hold on.
We just handed you a thing.
Did you?
Oh, is there a third?
Back to the Future
3
is the movie.
For sure.
Thank you, Sean.
Thank you.
It's actually part 3.
Oh, sorry. Part 3.
Back to the Future part 3.
Frankenstein's actually...
Yeah.
No, we...
You know, we go for exact titles around here, Sean.
I'm going to go with...
Oh, shit.
Dennis Quaid was on Ellen once.
Yeah, he was.
It was a...
You guys, look it up.
Funny stuff.
Funny stuff. Funny stuff.
Not underrated, but a movie I enjoy
a great deal, directed by
Joe Dante that Dennis Quaid starred in
that I like is called Inner Space.
Oh, that's good.
Good one, good one.
Yeah, very good.
So don't forget about your lifelines
and let's dig in.
That was the only Dennis Quaid movie I could think of.
Oh, no.
So blank.
Do you want to go to your Buckaroo Ben's Eye?
Yeah, I mean, I already have $25.
Yeah, you've already won more than anybody here today.
Ben, what do you think?
Christopher Lloyd's in Piranha 3D.
Christopher Lloyd's in Piranha 3D. Christopher Lloyd's in Piranha 3D.
Christopher Lloyd's in Piranha 3D.
That's what I was going to say next.
Good answer. Good job.
Thank you.
That's the movie where our friend Jerry O'Connell
gets his dick bit off.
Yes.
Just a little bit of it.
Just the tip?
He's got more left.
Oh, so now he's going to go off half-cocked?
All right, Sean's got his thinking cap on.
Dennis Quaid was in the remake of DOA.
What?
Yeah, he was.
Yeah, yeah. DOA. Oh, DOA. DOA. Okay? Yeah, he was with,
yeah,
yeah.
DOA.
Oh,
DOA.
DOA. Okay.
Yeah.
I just didn't hear exactly the words you were saying.
DOA.
DOA.
Yeah.
DOA.
It's like the first time I heard.
He was in DOA.
It's the first time I heard,
uh,
Dumelefont.
Dumelefont.
I had no idea what the fuck was going on either.
So I,
I identify with you.
But DOA,
yes. Good answer. DOA, yes.
Good answer.
DOA.
Yeah.
Okay.
Emma?
Dennis Quaid was in, I'm a little worried I'm mixing this up, but is yours, mine, and ours?
Is he in that?
He's in yours, mine, and ours.
It's the movie where he has 13 kids or something.
Yeah.
And he's in the Navy and he looks very handsome in his uniform.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Great work.
Thank you.
Dennis Quaid was also in a movie that I had a hard time coming up with
until I realized it was The Big Easy.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. That, yeah. Okay.
That's right.
So, Christopher Lloyd.
Any other movies?
He's the guy.
I'll do a quick Christopher Lloyd impression for you.
This is Christopher Lloyd
finding out that they're going to make another
Human centipede movie
Christopher Lloyd finding out
There's going to be another human centipede movie
The Libyans
What?
The Libyans
That's my impression of Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future
That was spot on
I didn't recognize it
Because you look like a lady But you sounded like Christopher Lloyd Thank you Lloyd and Back to the Future. That was spot on. I didn't recognize it because you
look like a lady, but you sounded like
Christopher Lloyd.
Thank you so much.
I did that
long setup for you to yell the Libyans.
I know.
Chris Scott!
Alright, so
I'm going to go with Big Easy.
And then it leaves it to you, Chris Lloyd.
Mars Attacks.
Oh, always a great one to go to.
Either of these great actors could have been in that huge ensemble.
They sure could have.
But of course, neither of them were.
But thank you for playing.
Thank you for having me is your so hard are they holding your plane or do you have some time to stick around for the rest of the show
nine o'clock yeah yeah all right yep it was like when I stepped on your joke He didn't step on anything
He just brought up something completely inconsequential
Not completely, we did mention it earlier
Stepped on me
Oh, you had a joke?
No
But yeah, have a good flight
And what airline is it?
I mean, I'm not leaving yet
Southwest
Okay, okay, calm down and what airline is it? I mean, I'm not leaving yet. Southwest?
Okay, okay, calm down with that. Now people in the audience
are just yelling out words that we have said.
Why'd you say ew?
Oh, I said ew.
Ew, I said ew.
I said ew, but like good.
All right, you're both wrong.
Neither of those actors are in something called ew.
Okay.
It's a school bus in the skies.
What do you got, Sean?
I'd say Piranha 3 Double D.
For reals? Yeah. What do you got, Sean? I'd say Piranha 3 Double D. For reals?
He's in both of them?
Okay, we got a confirmation from an audience member
who didn't ask for it.
Oh, that is a real movie?
I was like, cool boob joke.
No, I wasn't trying to go there.
Was the rest of Gary O'Connell in?
I'm sorry.
I was grasping for life there. Just the rest of Jerry O'Connell in there? I'm sorry. I was grasping for life there in this game.
Just the tip of his dick was in the next movie.
There's a great scene where a piranha kind of 3D comes through
and eats Jerry O'Connell's dick right in your face.
In the first piranha.
Did you miss earlier when Doug was talking about that?
Oh, I know, but we didn't go into
detail. I just thought
of it, and guess what? We all smoke weed
and I can't remember things.
Oh, I know. Okay, fine.
You don't. I'm a Christian.
Yeah, you don't eat that.
Is that why it's a red room
and not a green room today?
Did you arrange that
for us to smoke
the devil's weed in there?
All right,
Emma,
are you still with us?
I'm with you
and I think
that Christopher Lloyd
was,
this is not my guess
yet.
I'm pretty sure
he was the bad guy
in Roger Rabbit, but
Ooh.
Uh, but I'm
not 100% on that, so I'm making
eye contact with you. Okay, I'm guessing Roger
Rabbit. If you did, you
cheaters. You're all cheaters.
Thank you. You're all cheaters.
I thought of it on my own. I thought
of it. No, you didn't,
because another person's running my show from the audience.
Oh, are you saying full title to me?
He's yelling full title,
because we need the full title.
You dick.
Yeah, it's not called You Dick, Roger Rabbit.
Roger Rabbit, You Twat is not the name of the movie.
Shit.
Okay, okay.
He is pretty unlikable, though.
Okay, okay.
Roger.
Roger Rabbit.
Hollywood.
Roger Rabbit in the time of the cable car.
Roger Rabbit Hollywood Development Project.
Roger.
Oh yeah, do you still have a lifeline?
I do, Will.
What is the name of that movie?
Okay, yeah, that's right.
I see. Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Okay, yeah, that's right. I see.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit is my answer.
That's cute because people in the back
were like doing a frame.
They're like, they're doing this.
And I was all, who put Roger Rabbit in a box?
Roger Rabbit squared.
Just an audience
full of cheaters.
Houston is the best.
All right, Emma,
you're still in it.
I am still in it.
Yeah, you are.
Okay.
It's so hot up here.
I'm going to mention a,
I'm going to say
a Dennis Quaid classic
that we got to,
I got to actually
do an interruption of it with the
director of the movie in the town where his film Bloomington Indiana and it's a
movie called breaking away yeah yeah that's some early Dennis Quaid right
there what do you think Shawn he's still with us yeah I am like drawing a blank
on Quaid there's so many romantic comedies
that he's in, but they all have like the same
title, but just different words.
Yeah. They're all called
he's a little older than her.
Hey, I'm over it.
Get down with that.
Let's pretend this is six years, not
25. It's fine.
September lady.
Whatever.
I need a lifeline.
Steve.
All right, he's going to his lifeline.
What do you got, Steve?
Christopher Lloyd was Professor Plum in Clue.
Christopher Lloyd.
Yes!
Thank you.
Such a good movie.
Thank you, Christopher Lloyd, Professor Plum in Clue.
Of course.
Or he was Professor Clum and Plue.
Cum and Plue.
All right, Clue.
Good answer.
He was in all three endings.
That was groundbreaking.
That was groundbreaking.
If you watched it in the theater, you didn't know which ending you were going to get. I was like that was groundbreaking that was groundbreaking right yeah
if you watched it
in the theater
you didn't know
which ending
you were going to get
yeah
that sort of led
to people going
well I want the best ending
I just wish they gave
everyone the shitty ending
I don't want a random ending
Emma
speaking of endings
yeah
what do you think
he was in A Few Good Men.
Which one was?
Just turn around.
Yep.
And I'm turning my back on you.
Wow, this show is the opposite of The Voice.
You turn your chair around
when you don't want to participate anymore.
I'm done.
You know, there's another movie
where he's in a uniform
and he's Navy and
he's doing Navy and
it's called
McNeil's Folly
or His Navy, maybe.
It's, I don't know.
I don't have anything.
All right.
Thank you for playing.
Yeah, I tried.
I tried.
I tried, Will.
I tried.
It's just a shame
neither of them
were in more movies
with the word frame
in the title
because then
people could have helped you
there was a movie where
he Dennis Quaid
plays a baseball player who's
older and goes back
and he's called the rookie
oh that's a good one
Sean
it's just you and me so no pressure
I can go for days on these two
yeah you can crush
yeah I just thought of another one
damn
she's just not into that
all that time of the
thing that went to the place
Not in September.
Just say all of the titles.
But never with that one.
But shorter.
Some of those words
might have been a Dennis Quaid title.
Really?
No.
No.
She's all that.
No.
No.
She's all that.
The movie about high school kids?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's dating the lead.
It's not a big deal.
Don't think about it. Don't talk about it.
It's fine.
It was a different time.
Okay, so I think that wraps it up there.
I think we're good.
I'll throw in another one.
Christopher Lloyd was in a movie called The Dream Team.
Yeah, and what else we got in the audience? Dennis Domenic.
Dennis Domenic.
Dennis Domenic.
Dennis Domenic. Dennis Domenic. Dennis Domenic. Dennis Domenic. Dennis the Man. Dennis the Man.
Stop yelling at me.
It's on the phone.
Do you know what Sean was trying to come up with?
When?
Do you know the
Dennis Quaid movie?
Where is the one
where he's doing the Navy?
There's like a thousand
rom-coms, right?
No.
The Parent Trap? That's a rom-com. It's about a thousand rom-coms, right? No. The Parent Trap?
That's a rom-com?
It's about the children
romancing their parents.
You're thinking of Randy Quinn.
He's in What to Expect
When You're Expecting?
Okay.
Oh, What to Expect
When You're Expecting.
Oh, God.
See?
That's the one I was thinking of.
Something to talk about
was Julia Roberts.
Yeah.
Frequency. Fre Yeah. Frequency.
Frequency.
Christopher Lloyd just did One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Oh.
Yeah.
Better left unsaid.
Angels in the Outfield.
Great movie.
Stopper, my mom will see.
Suburban Commando.
You know, it's easy
when you all just have one that you've thought of.
Hey, I got DOA.
That was weird.
That was a good pull.
And also, that means
our winner today is Sean
a.k.a. Harmar Superstar.
Today is Sean, a.k.a. Harmar Superstar.
Woo!
Hey.
Those were two really hard ones.
I don't know.
There's something about Quaid where you know exactly who he is,
but you can't remember.
I hear you.
You're kind of sounding like a sore winner right now.
Yeah, I'm a sore winner.
I'm really like, I don't know.
Thanks, guys. Thank you. Who are you playing for again?
I'm playing for little Steve of
Orr. Come get your
prizes, dude.
Yes.
Just come up on the stage.
There's a poster and then four bags.
I hope you can handle that. I'm sure you want
your own poster back. Do you want to give that back as well?
Good job, Steve. There you go, dude.
Congratulations. It's here for Steve,
everybody. Hey, Steve.
Steve.
Yeah.
Steve is
off to start a garage sale.
He's going to throw that stuff in his lawn and make some
money. And pass yours down there, Emma
And give us your plugs
What would you like to plug besides tonight
At 8 o'clock right here
Oh Steve, there's some tickets for you in the bag
I forgot to say that
There's tickets for tonight's show in the bag
I'll be here tomorrow, I'll be in Austin
You can watch my new comedy special
On my website, yes please
It's a lot of fun and it's free.
So do that.
Watch that.
That's my plug.
Where are you playing in Austin?
I'm at the Mohawk.
I'm kind of all over.
Go to my website.
I'm on tour for like a bunch of the summer.
So just go to my website, EmmaArnold.com.
You can come and see me.
All right, and the person that Andy was playing for, Ben,
didn't ride a shithead on the back.
The Jonas of a shithead.
Okay.
Shut up.
All right.
Harmar Superstar on tour.
How many more dates?
We are doing the whole West Coast now.
And then we do another kind of...
There's probably like 20 more dates going on this summer.
And then we're going to go overseas.
What's the best way to get tickets and information?
You can go to harmoursuperstar.com.
And all the stuff will be there.
You should go. It's so fun.
Yeah, come see him tonight at Madness on Main.
Thank you. We'll see you over there.
All of us that aren't Amy
because Amy's flying out.
What have you got to plug?
You came all this way.
You went to Applebee's.
You saw Oceans 8, which are
two of the things like when you go to Houston
you have to do.
I've had a great day.
It's been the best.
Check out my podcast, Who's Your God?
Oh, thank you so much.
Who's Your God cast on Twitter.
We talk to comedians about their religious beliefs.
And second
weekend of July, I'll be in Philly
at the Philly Punchline with Ron Funches.
He doesn't need promotion,
but come for me. Buy my stuff.
Leave before Ron gets on. I don't care.
He's
rich.
And if you live
in LA or the LA area, every month I have
a show two doors down at the Hollywood
Improv. And come check
that out. And I'll be selling my
vinyl after the show. 20 bucks.
Yeah, get one of those from her, you guys.
She's going to be out there with you while I'm
hiding somewhere smoking weed.
It's so funny. Will wrote this whole thing
for the person to not
accidentally read the shithead out loud.
Dear sir or madam,
I appreciate you taking the time to select my name tag
for the game portion of Douglas Movies.
I'm very excited in the chance that I may win the exciting contents of the prize bag.
However, if I do not, I have selected a name for Mr. Doug.
What are you doing my nails?
I selected a name for Mr. Doug to call a shithead on my, on my behalf, and I would appreciate it if the surprise were not spoiled.
Good luck in the games, Hart and his signature.
So sweet.
I really let you down.
I really let you down and I'm sorry.
Sorry, Will.
Okay.
I just read it so I know what it's going to be.
I'm going to go now.
Huh?
No
Oh stay
Just hang out until the very end
Okay
Yeah we'll all leave together
I've never done that before
Or well you need to get out there
To sell your stuff
Yep
Yeah so go ahead and go now
Amy Miller everybody
Harmar Superstar
Thank you
And Emma Arnold!
I usually write down something else I want to promote that's coming up. I'll just say
Tampa. Thank you guys
so much.
I'm going to be in Tampa. I want to get the word out.
Thanks so much for coming this afternoon.
I hope it wasn't too hot in here for you.
I didn't bring it up during the show because performers shouldn't do that
because then everyone in the audience starts to think,
yeah, it is hot in here, but I hope everybody's okay.
I know I survived it, but I'm a little sweaty.
So sweaty hugs are available after the show,
especially if you have weed.
And thank you.
Thank you not only to Houston, but also to the secret group.
And as always, donuts are a shithead?
That's what he said when I asked him. Right? What? There is a shithead? That's what he said when I asked him.
Right?
What? There is a shithead on the back?
But you're not Ben.
Why are you yelling out a shithead
that was on your donut box?
This is about Ben, sir.
This is about Mr. Ben.
And his fried rice.
Ben, where are you at?
There you are.
Shit.
Who do you want for your shithead?
McDonald's.
Okay.
So, McDonald's? Is a shithead? McDonald's. Oh. Okay. So,
McDonald's
is a shithead
and Ted Cruz
is a shithead.
Now it's time
for Doug to watch
another talkie.
Eyes unrolled
is viewing
how his face
is cocky.
There's no room
in his heart
for you
because Doug
loves movies.