Doug Loves Movies - Kevin Pollak, Ali Nejad, and Samm Levine Guest
Episode Date: June 2, 2011Doug convenes with actor/comedian Kevin Pollak, TV personality Ali Nejad, and actor Samm Levine at the Never Not Funny Studios to talk movies, poker, and poker movies. See Privacy Policy at ...https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Doug hates candy wrappers screaming baby sticky seeds
With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth
There's still not one that he won't see
Cause Doug loves movies
And this, so now I have to do this.
My back's going to be to you the entire time.
I hope you're okay with that.
Perhaps I'll do this move.
I like that. I'm going to go with this.
I'm not uncomfortable.
Let him know if he's not...
I wrote my first book this way, actually.
I'm having him take a picture of this,
if that's alright with you.
With the sun behind me, it should be a nice silhouette.
We'll start in two minutes.
It should be a great silhouette.
Normally I run the Leonard Maltin game. It should be a nice silhouette. We'll start in two minutes. Okay. It should be a great silhouette. Two minutes.
Normally, I run the Leonard Maltin game, but in this particular case, yeah, Sam is going to do it so that I get to play against you and Kevin.
Which is totally unfair.
I'm not that great at it.
I have played like three times now, Sam, right?
Yeah. Yeah, and I only won once. Well, and I sort of fixed like three times now, Sam, right? Yeah.
Yeah, and I only won once.
Well, and I sort of fixed that last one for you.
You did?
Yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
Just a little bit.
Wow.
Way to take away whatever positive thing you have.
Yeah, I really...
No, no, no, no, no.
I didn't do it like that.
What I did was I picked movies that have been talked about in the last year on the show.
Yeah, that doesn't do anything great.
That doesn't do any favors.
That's a lot of movies.
It really is. And I certainly don't
remember stuff that I
have talked about before on the show.
I find that the best content transpires prior to the
record button actually being
Well, that's the thing.
It's like we're doing the opposite
of Oprah and all those other shows that have
an after show. We do have a
pre-show. Yeah, a pre-show that never makes it
to any. Yeah. It's kind of genius.
Alright, so... Not completely.
It's kind of genius. I've got a bunch of
yapping to do here at the top
and then I'll bring you guys into it.
Are you working with like 8-point courier
right now? Should I not? Yeah, it's a
side dress to talk into. It's a white circle.
Oh, I see. Here we go. Yeah, like that.
You can turn it up.
The white circle.
Yeah, or right above it.
Right above the white circle.
Oh, that's why you put the cans on right away
because you're a professional voiceover artist,
so you go right for them.
I want to know what kind of sweet piping you got.
There you go.
Oh, yeah.
Does it sound good?
Oh, that's hot.
If you could be like a backup sound engineer for this episode, I'd appreciate it.
Like a rap hip-hop hype man, I can just repeat every last word in your sentence.
Can you not hear me?
Is this not on?
I don't understand.
It's a talk.
Can you hear me?
Speaking in...
But you're talking so quietly.
No, no, I'm...
I also think he's kind of blocking you out of his thoughts.
Yeah, that's probably accurate.
Can you hear Kevin when he's that far away from that?
Oh, I won't be.
All right, here we go.
Can we get a runner to the 7-Eleven?
Do you need something, really?
No, I do not.
Pretty funny, though.
I'd like to get...
Pretty funny that we would have a runner in this room.
I'd like a tikka masala and a Slurpee.
Now we're running late.
Hey, everybody.
My name is Doug, and I love movies.
This is Doug Loves Movies coming to you from the Never Not Funny Studios in the Valley of Los Angeles on May 30th to Ocean's Eleven.
Also Memorial Day.
So hopefully I won't get a ticket on my car because meters are free on Memorial Day, right?
Got to be.
Yeah, they have to be for the troops.
For the dead troops.
Yeah.
For the dead troops.
I know.
You got yelled at on Twitter for saying, God bless the troops.
It's a perfect sentiment for today.
It's Memorial Day.
Bless the troops.
Why is that a terrible thing to say?
No, it's Twitter.
And then Kevin got yelled at.
I did.
There's always going to be an asshole on Twitter to tell you you're a fuck up.
I love that we're already on a tangent.
This is awesome.
Yeah, yeah.
People get so mad at me.
We're 19 words into the time.
Ketusha game!
The last in-studio episode, we actually, we had schmoes go on and we talked a lot about
movies and people were just like in heaven.
They were just like orgasmic over, oh, I can't believe you talked about movies.
Yep.
It's like orgasmic over, oh, I can't believe you talked about movies.
Yep.
And I was like, relax, I'll talk about movies once I get back from this crazy tangent that we went on.
I just got back from Vegas today, and boy, is my slot-pulling arm tired.
No, I went to the UFC fights, which were awesome, and then I performed at the Louis Anderson Theater, the LAT, over at the Palace Station.
And we played the Leonard Maltin game, and Graham Elwood lost to an audience member.
What else is new?
Because he couldn't name, well, he had six names out of eight to name a movie that takes place partially in Las Vegas.
And Heather Graham was the lowest listed person of the eight.
And it takes place all or partially in Vegas.
Could it be The Hangover?
No.
No?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
From longer ago.
It was Swingers.
Oh.
But without Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn, he just didn't recognize it.
He didn't get none of the Patrick Van Horn.
Yeah, he's not a big Patrick Van Horn guy.
Alex Desert, none of those did it for him?
No, I almost said when I got to Alex Desert, you know, the blind guy from Becker.
I almost said that, but I thought that's too good of a clue.
That's too good.
Yeah, so that was a fun show.
And I've also got shows coming up in, this is crazy how many places I'm going.
Sunnyvale, Denver, Ann Arbor, Peoria, Chicago, Des Moines, Omaha, Oklahoma City, Houston. shows coming up in this is crazy how much how many places i'm going uh sunnyvale denver ann
arbor peoria chicago des moines omaha oklahoma city houston ventura california that'll be a
close one for me uh cleveland ohio toledo ohio columbus ohio pleasance in california all of my
dates can be found at douglosmovies.com and And on June 6th here in Los Angeles at CineFamily,
me and a couple friends of mine
are going to have microphones in the audience
during a screening of Drive Angry.
Ohio's like your swing state.
So come to that.
Yeah, I'm going through Ohio just to,
I'm going to try to talk a lot of shit about Sarah Palin
as I go through Ohio.
I love you.
So that if she moves forward
into the campaign from Ohio, I love you. So if she moves forward into the campaign
from Ohio,
I'm going to try.
I'm going to Sandusky, Ohio
on my day off
to go on all the rides
at Cedar Point.
Yes.
Aren't you going to hang out?
Have you been there?
I did a report on roller coasters
in sixth grade
and that's the only reason
I know about Sandusky, Ohio.
There's like a wicked roller coaster.
Are you going to hang out
at a Cali and order porch?
You didn't go there and go on it?
You just did a report? No.
Unfortunately, my public school education
did not afford me the budget to do research
on my little roller coaster report.
Excuse me, miss. Can I just get the check?
This is probably like the most chatter I've done
with a guest before even saying who they are.
Like, it'll be listed on iTunes
or whatever, so people will know.
But still, it's funny that we talked that long before getting to my intro.
My guests today are all poker buddies.
I've played poker with all these dudes.
You all know Sam the Mam Levine.
Oh, man.
That's sick.
What an asshole.
And, of course, Kevin Pollack, another regular on the show here.
And then new to the microphone and having a lot to say before I even introduce him,
is Ali Najad, who is the voice of NBC poker, I like to say.
Yes.
At least for now.
The Department of Justice may have changed all that.
Uh-oh.
What?
Because of the changing of the legalities of online poker?
It's not really the changing of legalities,
but they definitely put a damper on the biggest investors
in the advertising and marketing side of televised poker.
So without money, our industry tends to not be partial toward producing
the content that we all love and enjoy at 2 a.m. on NBC.
You mean all those commercials for, like, poker sites where there really isn't gambling going on.
Right, which is essentially designed to direct you toward the gambling.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's a big secret.
.net,.com, what?
I don't.
My world is shattered right now.
That's the one thing that frustrates me,
is I do watch the Heads Up tournament.
I watch most weeks of that,
because I'll be on the road somewhere in a hotel room,
and I'll just figure out what time zone I'm in
and when it's going to be on.
But those Go Daddy commercials drive me crazy,
because you know when you go to Go Daddy,
you're not going to see more. When they go,
you see more, this continues, or whatever.
It's always somebody about to take their clothes
off, and then you go to GoDaddy, and that person's
not naked. Can I tell you
there are a few other
sites where you can see the rest of that?
What do you mean? The rest of what you wanted
to see on GoDaddy. Oh yeah, there's a lot of those.
But not that specific lady.
No, no. But he wants like Danica's titties. Right. Yeah. I want to see on GoDaddy. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not that specific lady. No, no. But he wants like Danica's titties.
Right.
Yeah.
I want to see.
You have to go to danicastitties.net.
I've got no use for her other than that.
Do you?
No, I don't really care about her.
I don't care.
But I'm just saying that it's weird that they, that no one is stepping forward and going,
you can't draw people in by making it look.
It's like the, let's take this back to movies.
It's like the unrated You know Or the uncut
Uncensored
It was already rated R
What did you not get away with
That you're gonna actually
Put back into the movie now
Well and
It's never anything
That makes it worthwhile
Yeah like Eyes Wide Shut
Wiener into the
Have you ever seen that
Apple Pie though
Eyes Wide Shut
They took out all the black bars
They took out
Well no it's
It's digital figures
Backs of men and women Blocking intense all the black bars? It took out, well, no, it's digital figures,
backs of men and women blocking intense sex stuff
in the orgy house.
And I was so curious
that I ordered
the Region 2 DVD
from England
like 10 years ago
and got a Region 3 DVD player.
That must have been like a lonely night
when you ordered that.
Oh, boy, it was lonely.
Mom, I can't talk.
And then I can't talk right now.
It's not even, it's so fucking stupid how little they changed.
And that was the difference to the ratings board between R and NC-17.
Yeah, yeah.
And you had to do like pound-to-dollar conversion back then, which was brutal.
Still, still to this day.
Have you paid that credit card off yet?
No.
$17,000 the DVD cost me.
That's the other mystifying thing to me about the ratings board and the process is those people, they'll watch a movie that's like really violent.
They'll say that's too violent.
That's NC-17.
And then the filmmakers will go and fix it or take some of the violence out,
but they're not told exactly how much to take out.
And so they just guess at it.
So sometimes this rating board watches the same violent movie 17 times
before finally reaching the exact amount of what it can and cannot have.
I think Matt and Trey, when they did the first animated South Park movie,
I think they knew that they were going to get hit with NC-17.
So the first version they submitted was actually really tame.
And then knowing that they were going to go NC-17, they went, okay.
And they took the movie back, then put all the shit that they didn't put in it the first time, took out a couple of super tame jokes, handed it.
They went, all right, you did enough to change it.
You can have an R now.
Wow.
Just because they knew the ratings board is horseshit.
Have you ever seen the film that's not yet rated?
Yeah. Documentary? Yeah. Like, it's disturbing
how, to actually hear how it
goes down. Do you not, it's literally like
it's a couple of adults, a couple of parents
from the neighborhood. Yeah. And you're
not allowed to know the identities. Yeah, they live in
Encino. They live in Encino. They movies and then watch them debate amongst themselves if that
should be our pg-13 the sheer volume of movies they're seeing is going to make them a terrible
judge of you know what i mean like they're not even they're not even outside living any kind
of life or knowing what society's up to if you're just sitting there watching these movies i haven't
seen outside in 23 years taking it you know and just the arbitrary rule of you can't say fuck twice in a PG-13.
Yeah.
And that one reference can't be to actually having sex.
Right.
It has to just be like, oh, fuck.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fuck this.
And so it's so funny now, too.
Every action movie, like Fast Five.
Fast Five is PG-13.
At one point, The Rock goes, let's get the fuck out of here.
But it's one of those things where the camera zooms in,
it's like, this is the moment.
And they drop the F-bomb, and then it's in a sense,
it's not clever or interesting, it's just like...
They're getting value.
Nice try.
Yeah, yeah, they're trying to get value for it.
In the film I was in, Pulse, which is PG-13, a horror film,
I tried so hard to get the fuck line.
And they would not let me have it.
How do you try?
Do you slip it into all your dialogues?
No, there's a line I'm supposed to say.
I gotta go take a fucking shower.
Yeah.
I think I'm supposed to say, you know,
what the fuck is going on?
Or the line is, what the hell is going on?
Or what the hell is happening?
And almost every take, I just scream, what the fuck is happening and almost every take i just screamed what the
fuck is happening and then one time after doing i don't know 20 takes of it the director was like
can we try one where you don't say fuck it's like yeah all right and i said one what the hell is
happening and that's the take they used we only got one take of what the hell is going on so who
got the fuck in that movie kristin bell Well, she was the lead. I know.
But it was not, I don't think it was used
to great effect.
No, I would much rather have her use the
unauthorized version of fuck. Thank you.
You should have said
what the fuck line is going on here.
Yeah, yeah. You should have
actually literally said fuck line. What the fuck line?
Yeah. Next time, Pulse 2.
Oh, no, wait. They already made that.
And 3.
Can I say one of my favorite things about newly hosting a home poker game is that Doug
Benson, like it's in quotes, this is the best run home game I've ever been to.
Yeah.
It's now on the poster.
It's on the poster now.
Wow.
I'm sure Ali's been through this a lot, but you've played with lots of people who do this sort of thing.
But Kevin gets an actual dealer, a competent dealer.
I don't think a mistake was made the entire night.
I should pass that along.
Wow, he was there on a good night.
Hey!
Hey!
Sam is so hard.
Yeah, well, you're like...
Sam is so hard.
Yeah, I'm probably...
Also, it helped that he was a stranger to me.
If I knew him, I would have been more critical. That's why Sam is critical. I'm probably, you know, also it helped that he was a stranger to me. Like if I knew him, I would have been more critical.
That's why Sam is critical.
I'm very critical.
But, well, not more critical because I really didn't find anything to critique that night.
But he brings in a guy and he deals.
And then he also has a super annoying friend that won't shut the fuck up.
There are so many.
It's like being in commerce.
He won't be there tomorrow night.
It's all night.
I'm joking around.
It was pretty funny dynamic that there was one guy that was like,
and I had met Jason a few times before.
And I never thought.
In case there was any question as to who it is.
Never thought of him as that kind of guy.
Like every other setting I met him in, he wasn't behaving that way.
Oh, no, that's his poker personality.
Yeah, his poker character.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
He thinks it's so clever.
And everyone knows it's not. I no, that's his poker personality. Yeah, his poker character. He thinks it's so clever. And everyone knows it's not. I mean everyone.
That should go up on the poster.
That's how he should learn that no one thinks
it's clever. I don't want him acknowledged on the poster.
That's my problem. Speaking of posters.
But you want him in the game. Oh yeah.
He loses consistently.
He was having a good night that night too.
That probably also made him more obnoxious.
He was stuck when you guys did your Russian roulette thing in the last 45 minutes.
That made you whole, by the way.
Boy, this is going to be so interesting to your podcast listeners.
Hey, this is the poker episode, so we have to talk about it a little bit.
I understand.
But speaking of posters, a couple weeks back, I think during the first week of the Tournament of Championships,
someone had like a move, a
Jaws poster?
Someone made like a
box, like a toy box
of a Jaws figure or something
and they put your name on there and they
spelled it with only one M, unfortunately.
They don't know how to spell Sam the man.
Clearly not. Clearly not. But then
towards the end of the episode,
you were telling them uh to change it
to put paul's and you're like take sam's name out of there put paul's up and then paul was going to
go no no leave it how dare you how dare you try to sacrifice my name off of this toy yeah but also
he said leave it because it was no honor to have a name on there so you're trying to help me i'm
just saying he was i mean in both cases we were probably both being dicks, but it
was all in good fun.
Yeah, yeah.
But that was cool that they did that.
I forget who the third name was.
I wish I could have seen it.
You and me and somebody else, right?
But yeah.
Simon Pegg, maybe?
They make, yeah, yeah, maybe.
They make name tags now.
When I say they, I mean the nice people.
I listen to your podcast.
I don't want to make them sound like a bunch of weird following fanatics,
but the name tags are getting really complicated.
People put some work into them.
And then last night when we were in Vegas, all these name tags come out,
and Graham Elwood picks up a guy that's just holding up his Eagle Scout card.
Nice.
From when he was a kid.
Graham Elwood picks up a guy that's just holding up his Eagle Scout card.
Nice.
From when he was a kid.
I picked the one who had it on an iPad.
Yeah.
At South by Southwest.
See, I discourage people from doing that because I like it when they, you know.
Put a little more work into it. I feel bad for the people that construct something and then, you know, get.
I always go with the lazy.
They don't get chosen.
Well, then let me put this out there.
I promise to pick the most elaborate name tag when I appear on your show in the live.
All right.
Well, we're still not sure if you're going to appear or not.
He's operating under presumptions.
I guess I'm operating under presumptions.
I thought I was going to be a tournament champion.
No, you are.
You are.
You got in through kind of a backdoor.
Yeah, I know.
You got grandfathered in.
Yeah.
By playing against Leonard Moulton on the Kevin Pollak
chat show.
It's true.
Yeah.
And what was it you did?
You got something with De Niro?
I got 15 minutes and negative two names.
Nice.
Yeah.
Pretty impressive.
De Niro and...
De Niro and Edward Burns.
Oh, yeah.
And knowing that De Niro's name would be first, even though, spoiler alert, he dies like a
half hour into the fucking movie. De Niro dies a would be first, even though, spoiler alert, he dies like a half hour into the fucking movie.
De Niro dies a half hour into it?
Spoiler alert.
I saw that movie.
I do not remember him dying.
Maybe it's not a half hour.
It's like 45 minutes, but he is not alive for a large portion of that movie.
51 minutes.
Yeah.
I bet you he makes it past the first whole hour.
He's in it for two and a half reels.
Well, he is not the lead.
Edward Burns is the lead, but I knew that Len would not list it that way.
That was all I was going with.
That's interesting.
I really thought they lived.
I thought that they were, aren't they partners in it?
Yeah.
And I thought they lived through the whole thing.
They're chasing around those two bald Russian guys.
Look, I've only seen it once.
Where are they from?
Yugoslavia?
Sure.
I only saw it the one time, but I'm fairly certain De Niro gets the X.
You guys have remarkable retention, because I saw that movie, and most of your conversation
is completely foreign to me.
And I watched it.
Well, that's how I feel listening to you talking about poker.
You're always talking about, like, an expression I finally think I've figured out is when you
talk about the texture of the board.
Oh, yeah.
But there's a lot of expressions like that.
They're like, you're like, what is what this is?
You know, I'm not smart enough to be able to follow this.
No, you're definitely smart enough.
But I mean, you're not committed enough.
That's probably true.
That's that's the difference is that's why we remember all this shit from movies.
And you remember all you're going to commit more language.
You're going to have to commit more to your movie viewing.
Well, that's also, but the poker thing is more special.
I mean, it's not that special to be someone that goes, I like movies.
I go to a lot of them.
Except for the people that are listening right now.
A lot of people.
By the way, audience, Doug didn't mean to just trivialize you.
No, actually we all are.
We're all in the same boat.
You know, like when I called it Doug Loves Movies, it's just like, well, yeah, who doesn't really?
I just like that Sam satellited in to the Tournament of Champions for those poker aficionados.
Yeah, that's correct.
That was a total satellite move.
Satellited in.
Yeah.
Well, you won't have me on.
I haven't been able to actually play the Len Malton game in ages.
You not only play, both the two of the times you played against Leonard Malton,
who was shitty at it,
so you were in the catbird seat.
I was not.
I had bad positioning.
I had terrible positioning.
What do you think about the positioning today?
Who are you going to start with?
Which way is it going to rotate?
I don't know.
Since Ollie's new.
You want to think about it for a while?
Ollie's new, yeah.
Maybe move him from there.
Make him go first?
I feel like I should have the advantage
since I'm new.
Do you understand the game? Did you listen to it? Yes, with's new, yeah. Maybe move him from there. Make him go first? I feel like I should have the advantage since I'm new. Do you understand the game?
Did you listen to it?
Yes, with Lipnicki and Silverman, I was.
Which is kind of an interesting one for you to listen to
because Lipnicki didn't know how to play,
and so he kind of needed to be coached through it a little bit more
than the guests normally are.
So maybe that helped you to learn the gameplay
because there's so much of me explaining it to him.
The negative name situation is one that I may have to have explained because I don't
think they got into that, I think.
Yeah, negative names is when you're bidding and somebody bids zero.
You can go lower than that.
You can go negative one, negative two.
But then you have to name the movie and also then those stars, the one or two stars, in
the proper order.
Got it.
So that's why he was bragging about figuring out that De Niro came before Ed Burns, even
though De Niro only lives through an hour and 40 minutes.
Well, so Sam went with the negotiation tactic.
Did I?
Yeah.
You knew the agents would be able to negotiate De Niro first billing, whether he's in the
movie for 17 minutes or an hour and seven minutes.
Yeah, doesn't Ben Stiller get first billing in the Fokker movies?
I don't know.
But even so, Leonard does not always go to agents.
That's a negotiation point also.
Knowing how Leonard writes the cast list is key to the game.
He does it wrong for Superman.
That's right.
He does it wrong.
Superman Brando got top billing, but Leonard gave it to Christopher Reeve.
So sometimes Leonard writes wrongs.
He does.
He writes the legal wrongs.
And how do you know how he's always going to do that?
You don't know how he's always going to do it, but if you know his reviews, if you know the man.
And you've studied them.
I have read the reviews.
I've always owned his movie guide.
I've always owned some version of his giant movie guide, the big book he puts out.
Myself as well.
Sam has a read on Leonard Maltz.
He can't play poker with me.
No.
I know his tells every time.
I've got a read on him.
I know when he has nuts.
One of his tells is he's very polite.
He's very polite and he doesn't curse in public.
Ah, it's adorable and he won't let me call him Len.
I never used to do that either, but now you make me do it and I feel terrible because I know he really doesn't like it.
He really doesn't like it?
Well, I don't want to say he really doesn't like it, but do you prefer Doug or Douglas?
I, you know, I certainly wouldn't, if you called me one or the other, say, no, it's
only the other one.
But how, from now on, like if the next time you're on, I don't know, the Tonight Show,
and Jay Leno went, eh, it's a really great comedian, Douglas Benson, eh, wouldn't you
be a little...
That's all right.
I have an IMDB page from when I used to be credited as Douglas Benson a lot.
Yeah.
And then another one for my real Doug Benson. And then there's also some other Doug Benson who was like a grip on.
Can I give you another head of the lightness of being?
What?
Can I give you another heads up on the name?
Yeah.
On a name to not use.
Yeah.
Do not call Matthew McConaughey Matt.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I love this story.
Do you know whose story it is?
Yeah. Yeah. On the first day yeah, yeah. I love this story. Do you know whose story it is? Yeah.
Yeah.
On the first day of Newton Boys?
Newton Boys.
Yeah.
Richard Linklater.
Uh-huh.
Said actor, nameless until you feel otherwise,
first day, sees Matthew McConaughey walking across the set,
maybe 30 yards away, and says, hey, Matt.
And McConaughey spun, gave the two-finger gunpoint gesture,
and said, name's Matthew, good thing we caught it on the first day.
And spun and walked off with no irony or sense of humor whatsoever.
But how can anything that involves the two-finger gunpoint
not have irony or humor involved?
Exactly.
You can't possibly take yourself seriously.
I think that really drives home the point.
When firing the finger bullet, right?
Yeah.
It's hard to imagine someone taking themselves seriously doing that.
I haven't seen Lincoln Lawyer, but I hear it's pretty good.
How could it be?
People are saying.
I almost lost a huge letter.
The letter gave it three stars, I think.
Yeah, he liked it.
Somebody bet me that the Lincoln Lawyer, I knew nothing about the film, was about a lawyer who practices out of a Lincoln.
And knowing nothing else, I almost lost a significant amount of money.
I somehow backed off by saying there's not a chance somebody greenlit that.
And I just wanted to say there's no way.
It's based on a true story, though.
Yeah.
But I was just thinking there's no way that that's the premise of the film,
is that the guy practices law out of a Lincoln.
I thought maybe he's from Nebraska.
No, the premise of the film is that Matt McConaughey is charming and handsome.
That's the premise of the film.
And that's why it got greenlit.
It had nothing to do with Lincoln.
His driver of Lincoln is Morgan Freeman, right?
Let's hope.
I'm trying to drive you to the court.
Miss McConaughey? Shouldn't it be
Jessica Tandy? I gotta make water.
Good thing we caught that on the first day.
Mike McConaughey's kind of Bill Clinton-esque.
Uh-huh.
So let's talk poker movies.
Uh-oh. NBC's Voice of
NBC Poker. It's a short conversation.
They all stink. They all suck. They're all terrible.
Rounders is the worst of them all because it passes itself off as a good one.
But poker players like it.
Nope.
Not real poker players, and I'll tell you why.
There's a couple of scenes that are such utter horseshit.
One of the reasons some of them might like it is that they themselves are in it.
You know, it actually featured legitimate pros.
Yeah, well, the whole Malkovich Oreo tell is the most amazing.
Well, that's truly ridiculous.
Almost as ridiculous as his accent.
But here's my.
You made some crazy accents playing poker, though.
That was kind of, in a weird way, believable.
But those accents are real, technically.
Well, yeah.
Whereas this acted accent was affectation riddled.
But there's a lot of reality problems.
I just need logic.
You know, you can ask for a leap of faith, sure,
but I do need logic.
Yeah, that one scene where Matt Damon impresses,
who's the older actor, the teacher?
Martin Lando.
Martin Lando.
When he impresses Martin Lando by knowing what everybody has
when he's just walked into the room.
He's been in the room 90 seconds, and he knows everyone's tell.
Yeah, yeah.
That's impossible.
But here's an even bigger gaffe for me.
When they show up at the Sheriff's private game, and Edward Norton says, I will absolutely stay in the car.
Right.
I'm not going to go in.
No, no, it's the other way.
He says, well, no.
Damon goes in and Ed Norton says, I'm going to go to a bowling alley.
Yeah, yeah, I won't come in and bug you.
You're on your own.
So Matt Damon goes in and sits down at a sheriff's private game.
Ed Norton then decides to show up, deal from the bottom.
They get caught, and the sheriffs decide, it being their own private game,
it is A-OK to beat the living shit out of these two hustlers, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you are the victim of said beating,
are you having a standing-up conversation in the parking lot shortly thereafter?
Yeah.
If sheriffs decide it's ass-kicking time on their own turf
and you've got a trickle of fake blood
coming out of the corner
of one mouth
and maybe a little bit
of blood coming out
of another nostril
on the other guy
and that's the only damage
that the sheriff's did.
Go fuck yourself.
That more than your poker gap
is what drove me
a little nutty.
Well, I also didn't like
the, you know,
the girlfriend
that didn't understand.
Because it was the same scene over and over again of just her just being like,
stop playing poker and getting in all this trouble and him going, one more time, baby.
And then she leaves him before it's over.
And just, I don't like it.
But when I see on shows like on NBC and the show you used to be on over at Bravo.
Bravo.
When I see, they say to poker players, you know, what's your favorite poker movie?
They say Rounders a lot.
Well, here's why.
Because Rounders, it's the only movie, it was the first movie to feature Hold'em.
And it's about, it's pretty much the whole story's about
it and isn't Jackie Chan
not Jackie Chan
Johnny Chan. Isn't he
pretty prominently figure in it?
Yeah, he's not prominent.
He is in the story a few times
but he's like kind of like
Matt Damon's got kind of a problem with him
or something. Let me help you with this.
Emeril O'Slim is in California Split.
How did you feel as a comedian when you saw the movie Punchline,
which is the best at depicting our world of stand-up,
where there were lockers in the comedy club lockers for the comedian?
You're right.
And obviously strippers also find showgirls very entertaining.
And the warm and fuzzy comedy club owner.
Are you guys okay?
Is everything all right?
Do you need anything?
Yeah.
And the same nine comedians perform every night?
Sure.
And I've auditioned for the Johnny Carson.
It's a contest to get on Johnny Carson.
I've written a new set this afternoon.
That's what I'm going to be doing tonight.
This is something I've been working on.
Real poker players feel that way about the rounders.
Yeah, of course.
I'm not a real poker player, and the poker in rounders is ridiculous.
A lot of the poker players love that a movie about their world was made.
Absolutely.
They love that.
Especially the New York Underground Poker Scene.
That's why they bring it up.
It's for lack of anything else.
The New York Underground Poker Scene was real.
It's not at Mob Run necessarily anymore.
No, it's at Poker Speakeasy, like the one here in town.
I know of a couple of them, actually.
Really?
Yeah, you have one in your house.
Well, no, there's no rake.
There's no rake.
It's like multiple tables.
No, there's a guy who you rent a condo.
You get one or two tables.
You hire some gals to massage and get drinks.
You serve a little food, or you have a runner to get takeout.
You're Tiki Masala.
Hey, hey, hey, why don't you get these massages?
And you rake like crazy.
We actually get into masseuse games.
Doug's feeling shortchanged.
There'll be a masseuse there next time from Hank's game.
Oh, nice.
I heard Hank's game is fun.
It's what I'm trying to emulate.
That is the best game that I've played in town because it's
unbelievably friendly, unbelievably hilarious
and some
talented players that make it
competitive and fun. The thing
for me about playing in a lot of these home games
because you get invitations all the time
it seems like one's popping up
every week and it's because somebody
gets wind of just how much money
they're raking out of these games and I'm talking about the speakeasies and some people talk about the home games and it's because somebody gets wind of just how much money they're raking out of these games.
And I'm talking about the speakeasies.
Absolutely.
And some people talk about the home games.
And it's preposterous how much money these people are making.
And they're basically robbing a lot of the players blind.
And it's an unfortunate greed.
They're utterly robbing the players blind.
And as soon as one guy in the game finally figures it out, he starts his own.
So rather than take umbrage, he's like, oh, sweet racket you got going on here.
Let me get involved.
It's like what you used to, quote unquote,
supply your friend's pot so that you could smoke for free.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah, that scam when you're 20 years old and you go, wait a second.
It's a new incarnation.
If I just get a pound of this.
Same format.
A pound?
My God.
I had a funny Matt Damon story about Malkovich.
You needed a pound to get stoned.
A pound?
Wow.
As soon as these guys are done, let's get into it.
Yeah.
Five-finger lid.
That's how old I am.
At dinner one night, we were at Cafe Martorano at the Rio during the World Series.
I'll say.
And it was just embarrassing that they decided that the way that they would be endearing as a restaurant was to put up Matt Damon and Don Cheadle happen to be there as well.
And Cheadle movies on their plasmas all around the restaurant.
That's great.
Yeah.
So I'm sitting there.
Everywhere they look, their own movies.
Exactly.
It's like, hey, guess who's here?
They love it.
They don't even need mirrors.
They can just go look at the screen.
Because they're that vain.
Touch their hair.
So they dealt with it well.
And it was funny because it spurned this conversation, or spawned, I'm sorry, this conversation about the Rounders film.
And Matt was talking about, you know, he was a young actor at the time.
And everybody was getting him geared up for when Malkovich was going to come in to shoot his scenes.
When they were like, you know, are you ready, Matt? You know, here comes Malkovich
coming, man. Are you ready for this? It's going to be a big deal, man. You know? And he's like,
yeah, I guess I'm ready for it. You know, when Malkovich comes in and he's ready to shoot his
scenes. And I guess he literally had a tape recorder with all of his lines and the accent
in which they were supposed to be done next to him. And he would hit play.
By an actual Russian.
Listen to it, I guess, by a Russian acquaintance of his
or a friend or maybe just a voice coach.
A Russian.
Or someone that talks like this.
It is a very weird person.
Right.
And so John...
Don't call me retardo.
John would hit play on this recorder
and then just spit it back out.
And obviously there was some butchering in the process.
Kidwood alligator blood.
My friend thought he said alligator.
Splashing the pot.
Splashing the pot.
I stick it in you.
So everyone on the set is here like excited that malkovich is here and he's
going to be you know basically bestowing upon them the honor of witnessing his acting greatness and
and they they like get into applause after after they cut you know the scene oh it's great job
and he leans over to matt and he goes i'm a terrible actor
and it was like he was letting him in on the secret
that somehow he has managed to pull the wool over everyone's eyes.
I happen to think he's a good actor,
but in this particular film, clearly it was...
When he plays an exasperated version of himself,
say in the last Coen Brothers movie, Burn After Reading,
when he plays an exasperated version of a Caucasian male in his 50s,
he's brilliant.
Which is somewhat specific.
When he goes over the top, he's huge.
That's what's been driving me crazy about him, though,
is not since being John Malkovich, as he had, like, you know,
there were certain people that liked Red,
and some people that liked, what was the one you just mentioned?
Burn After Reading.
Burn After Reading.
But, like,
not only did I not really care for those movies, I was
also very disappointed that
Malkovich wasn't more fun in them.
Because it's Malkovich.
And because he has been so great
in some pretty shitty things and some pretty
great things. You didn't think he was fun
in Burn After Reading? I didn't. I just
never get the right rhythm for me.
Give it one more chance.
I've seen it on TV a few times.
His finest work was in the Annie Lennox music video, Walking on Broken Glass.
Let's be honest.
The fact that you know he was in that is alarming because we're going to be playing a game, I think,
that involves a movie trivia.
That's why he can't play anything.
Oh, thank goodness.
You're off the hook.
Yeah.
I think it involves a movie trivia. That's why he can't play.
Oh, thank goodness.
You're off the hook.
Yeah.
Thank God also the game isn't the Leonard Walden music video game.
Right.
I just thought everybody in Burn After Reading was not particularly funny.
I just felt that we're all just sweating really hard.
Everyone was really working hard at playing like we're all so dumb.
David Rascha, the guy that used to be Hammer, his scenes
with J.K. Simmons,
those are the best scenes in the movie.
And the last one of them together,
I was like, got a big
laugh out of me the last line of it, and then
the movie was over. I was like totally, it was the most
shocking, suddenly this movie's over
moment I'd had in a long time.
You'd rather the film just been those two, I sense.
Well, certainly the tone
of those scenes was better.
But also, with comedy, I'm sure you guys
are the same way.
I love things that some
people hate, and I hate things that
everyone loves.
It's even more subjective than drama.
Yeah, it's so subjective.
Anyone who looks at ordinary people and goes,
eh, that's stupid.
That's ridiculous. But you can look at who looks at ordinary people and goes eh that's stupid like they just that's ridiculous
but you can look at
a great comedy
and not
like I have friends
that don't think
some like it hot is funny
and I can totally
understand that
they're wrong
but I understand it
I totally understand
where they're coming from
that it's just like
a style and a sense
that they just don't
and it's not necessarily
laugh out loud funny either
and that's another reason why somebody would say,
oh, that's not funny. But it's like, just because
you're not roaring with laughter doesn't make it
a fun movie, you know? I agree with you.
I like him on Saturday Night Live, by the way.
In the same regard, you're also
in the same vein of that
and relating to what you just said.
In the case of Burn After Reading,
you two are wrong.
Yeah, but you know.
There you go.
Totally fucking with you.
But yeah, I just don't,
I'm certainly that way with a lot of Coen Brothers movies.
Like, I'm sure you liked A Serious Man a lot more than I did.
I did not like that.
I was not a fan of that.
Oh, really?
Not like that movie.
Yeah, I was really put off by it.
Oh, brother, where art thou?
Maybe the greatest George Clooney comedic performance
ever. Could not get enough of what he
chose to do in that character. He was good.
That was his best one of the Coven Brothers. But that was
crazy broad. I think, but I think he's really,
I think he can be really funny, but I think
that in like irreconcilable,
not irreconcilable differences,
inconceivable cruelty.
Intolerable cruelty.
Inconceivable! In intolerable cruelty and in Burn After Reading,
I thought George Clooney was just sort of like trying too hard
and just fumbling around and not really hitting it.
But also, I appreciate his effort.
I appreciate a guy like that making a wacky movie.
I liked him in Leatherheads.
You are a party of one, sir.
That's me.
That movie made $9.
To do that kind of movie is not a terrible idea, but boy, that movie was...
Hey, can we talk about current movies like Hangover Part 2?
Let me see if I have any questions written down
that I want to make sure we get to.
I'm still trying to figure out why anything's written down.
You what?
I'm still trying to figure out why anything's written down.
Because I'm a professional.
I had to write down all those cities of places I'm going to be.
You want to know how professional he is?
He writes down, hey, everybody.
No way.
You're one of the few remaining consumers outside of fifth grade that use a pencil.
I mean, the Dixon Ticonderos.
It's all to pen.
Is it really?
He writes in pen.
Let's stop that.
There's no racing.
He's a big boy.
There's no going back.
Are you still up? There's no going back. Are you still up?
There's no going back.
He's going after me like the first time you saw this, you did the same thing.
You're just like, what is with your crazy notes?
I'm sorry.
Everybody goes after you once for that.
It's always new to somebody.
Yeah, but the listeners have all heard it.
They've all heard it.
Well, sorry.
They've all been through it already.
I don't plan on a re-invite, so I'm sorry.
I just figured I'd go down with the burning ship. You're totally
gonna have to cash out, and
you're not allowed in this casino.
No re-invite is for you.
But Sam did bring up a good
point, because I do love talking about
current movies on the show, so you saw
Hangover 2? I did see the Hangover part 2.
Do you want to weigh in?
I will weigh in.
I will weigh in.
It is funny.
There are laughs.
If you loved the first one, you will absolutely like the second one.
Because it's the same movie.
It is the exact same film.
Yeah.
He's a horrible filmmaker.
I mean.
Todd Phillips is a horrible filmmaker.
Like it was to the point where I was like, all right, clearly they knew what they were doing.
This must have been hilarious to them as they were making the movie.
Like, do you think people will realize that this is the exact same film?
Same plot.
It is the, I mean, down to everything.
$105 million for opening weekend.
The biggest R-rated comedy opening of all time.
Five days, 137.
Five days, 137.
That's the record.
You guys got the five day already?
We're not even at the fifth day yet.
This is Monday.
Am I the only one that thinks
Ken Jeong isn't that funny?
Everyone thinks he's funny.
You think he's hilarious? He's very, very funny.
He is.
You could be tired of his riff. I used to see him doing stand-up quite a bit,
and it was always rather amusing because he was this real doctor.
He was a real doctor, Ken.
Who got up and did stand-up, and his act was really silly and goofy,
and I always enjoyed seeing him.
And then when he started showing up and stuff, I think he's really funny.
But I certainly think—
I haven't seen the stand-up, so I should say that. I'm talking about his character and the whole shtick. But I don't think that his character in The Hangover is the funniest thing he's really funny, but I certainly think... I haven't seen the stand-up, so I should say that.
I'm talking about his character and the whole shtick.
But I don't think that his character in The Hangover
is the funniest thing he's done.
I think everything else he's done has been better
than his character in The Hangover.
That's just the one that stuck with people
because he jumped out of a...
He's very funny on Community.
He's very funny on that show.
Much funnier on Community, yeah.
I'm going to have to see him there, though.
Again, I'd like to reiterate...
Check him out on other things.
I'd like to reiterate for the record,
Todd Phillips,
horrible filmmaker.
Just god awful.
I tried to just let that one go.
No, no.
I tried to drop it.
No, I've decided it's too late.
How many of us at this table
have played poker with Todd Phillips?
Oh, I haven't done that.
It's one of the reasons
that I know he's a scumbag
because I've played poker with him.
Wow.
Yeah.
He's an absolute,
and by the way,
incredibly proud douchebag.
Like, loves that he's a douchebag.
He's,
Doug is,
Kevin is correct
on everything he's saying.
Yep.
Well, at least he owns it.
Well, listen,
I've got to make some calls
He more than owns it.
He sells it
in the form of a movie.
Episodes.
I've got,
I've got a Hangover 2 episode
coming up.
Well, you should.
And by the way,
you know, he's talking about, no, I haven't, I haven't talked to Todd. Well, you should. And by the way, you know, he's talking about...
No, I haven't talked to Todd.
You could get him real quick.
Just say, hey, do you want to be heard by people?
He'll show up.
Okay.
Tell him he'll have the opportunity to make fun of you.
What does that say about us?
Well, we're here for a different reason.
We're here to be funny, entertaining, and a friend to Doug.
That is correct. In that order. I'm here because the studio is right near the 7 to be funny, entertaining, and a friend to Doug. That is correct.
In that order.
I'm here because the studio is right near the 7-Eleven and I had to get some milk.
Yes.
I happen to be a taste of India.
I only get my milk at 7-Eleven.
It doesn't sound like the Jew Sam I know that he gets his milk at a 7-Eleven.
Well.
Does that sound like the Jew Sam you know?
They get it from the back for me.
No, that doesn't sound like.
The $17 milk?
Can I get the $17 gallon of milk?
The cheapest milk.
I bet.
There was this guy, do you remember...
Larry's House of Milk.
That's where you get your...
Do you remember a comic named Al Waxman?
Sure.
Absolutely.
Al Waxman used to have a joke.
I worked on a cruise ship with him once, and Richard Jenney was also on the cruise.
And then for the rest of the week, Richard Jenney and I just kept quoting Waxman.
Richard Jenney was also on the cruise.
And then for the rest of the week, Richard Jenney and I just kept quoting Waxman.
And one of Waxman's jokes was, you know why they call it 7-Eleven?
Because you have to pay 7 to 11% more than human beings should have to pay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
But human beings is a hilarious thing to have in a punchline. Like, why is this happening to human beings?
That's the hilarious thing to have in a punchline.
Like, why is this happening to human beings?
And then also the 7% to 11%. Like, that sounds so cheap to be that concerned.
Let the dogs pay that sort of difference.
Human beings should not have to choose.
Sorry.
Anyway, you brought it up.
I love Rich Jenny, by the way.
I miss him terribly.
Oh, Richard Jenny was...
He was brilliant.
He was driven.
Yeah.
I never spent a minute with him where he wasn't working on his act.
Prolific.
Yeah, prolific, but also annoying sometimes about it.
Sure, absolutely.
Yeah, like this conversation, we'd never talk about movies unless he's got a bit about movies
that he's working on.
Last chance for a seat tomorrow night, I just realized.
You can't play. Tomorrow night?
No, I'll be gone.
I'll be in Austin, Texas, and I had a great time
there, by the way. We were filled.
You had a great time in Austin, Texas. Yeah, I had a great time.
We were filled when someone dropped out.
Oh, yeah.
You know I love to play, and as soon as it works out again
that I'm around, we will
definitely do it. It's week two
of me not seeing Pirates
of the Caribbean. I've seen that as well.
Four, Strange Brew.
Of course you saw it. I feel good about it.
I feel good about
still not having seen it.
That's my favorite thing about The Hangover 2
is that it knocked Pirates 4
out of the top spot after only one
week. It actually dropped
two spots.
What do you call it?
Kung Fu Panda.
Kung Fu Panda.
Skatoosh.
Skatoosh.
Is it bad that I would rather see Kung Fu Panda than either of those other two films,
even though I know I will watch the other two?
No, it's not bad at all.
Because I thought the first one was really funny.
I can't wait to see Panda.
I love the first one.
First one made $660 million worldwide.
Deserved it.
The Kung Fu Panda movie.
Yeah, it was all right.
It was okay.
Not a fan, Sam?
You know, it takes a lot to get me to see an animated feature.
Well, I will say that I wouldn't go to the theater, but I was happy to get it in my Netflix.
Don't ever apologize for liking that movie, mister.
No, I'm not apologizing, but I don't go to the theaters that much. Don't ever apologize for liking that movie, mister. No, I'm not apologizing,
but I don't go to the theaters that much.
I should say that.
I'm not a fan.
Perhaps I was traumatized by my local theaters growing up
and people throwing things at the screen
and yelling and being disruptive in the Bay Area.
I'm from the Bay Area.
Where was this happening?
Oakland?
Berkeley.
Ah.
At the UA on Shattuck.
You sure you weren't closer to Oakland?
No, I was at the UA on Shattuck.
It doesn't sound like a Berkeley move, to be honest with you.
No, Berkeley high kids coming in.
And throwing shit.
Yeah, they were being loud and obnoxious.
Really?
Like the popcorn thing.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
And plus, I mean, with movie ticket prices just going up and up and up and up, it's like,
I'd rather just sit at home, watch it on my big screen, and just be good.
You like how I drop big screen away?
I love going to the movie theater.
Do you know? Yeah, I certainly would. You like how I drop big screen in my leg? I love going to the movie theater. I like going to,
but that's why we have
the Arclight,
is because it's,
you know,
there might be some
young people there,
but it's not like
an obnoxious crowd.
Landmark Theater
and West Side Pavilion.
Have you guys gone
to the Gold Class Cinema
place in Pasadena?
Is it worth,
is it all it's cracked up to be?
If you have money
to set on fire,
it's about the best way to,
it's your own private
screening room, basically.
Really?
I mean, it's 30 bucks a pop,
but, and it's got a real menu with real food right and booze you can drink booze
while you're watching the movie which is key uh the food's really good but you know you're in a
giant recliner seat as if you were flying first class to new zealand it's that kind of a crazy
thing and how many seats are in a theater 16 maybe maybe 20 can you use miles can you upgrade
into a first class
actually yes
that's awesome
yeah
because I want to be
at like the silver
class screening
and then maybe
I can just
you can only use
New Zealand air
and go up
and then when the
movie's over
what city are you in
well
that's what I want to know
does it fly
depends on what you went to see
does the gold class cinema fly
yeah if I want to go
through that experience
30 bucks instead of
14 or 12
but does that get you anything included or it's just the ticket to the movie is $30?
That's for the privilege of sitting with only 20 other people and in the first class seat to New Zealand.
I'd like to try it.
That reclines on a pillow and a blanket.
I would like to try it.
Not kidding.
So when the movie stinks, you can actually catch it in like an hour and a half sleep.
But it's not, they don't have D-box seats like at the Chinese.
No, they don't. They don't have the movingbox seats like at the Chinese. No, they don't.
They don't have the moving box seats.
Those are insane.
What?
It's aggravating.
Speaking of which, the new starts.
It's even that jump sometimes.
They're programmed.
Yeah, they try to program it, but seats that move and shake and rumble and bounce.
Along with the film.
Synchronized with the film.
Speaking of which, Doug.
Yeah.
I have a quick review from my better half better half jamie who went to a special
sneak of the new star tours at this right at disneyland right it's already open in orlando
i think it opens june 3rd it is truly spectacular 54 different versions exist as opposed to the same
one that forever that was horrible they actually built in
i like the old one 50 oh god are awful oh this was a fun ride yeah the first came out for seven
times 20 years ago yeah what are we talking about but it's still the the motion of it was still
pretty amazing oh the one now is gonna blow your mind the one now is gonna blow your mind have you
have has she or you or both been on the Wizarding World of Harry Potter ride in Orlando?
I have not.
I can't speak for her.
She might have.
But I've never seen one of those movies.
Oh, my God.
Well, it doesn't matter.
It's a ride where you're kind of sitting in sort of a doom buggy Disney kind of thing.
But then they combine actual mechanical things with footage, and then you move in such a way.
Like during the part where Harry's flying around playing Quidditch, it's like you're flying around with him.
Wow.
And it's really well done.
I think it's the best indoor dark ride I've ever been on.
Far out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I'm looking forward to checking out the new Star Tours.
I've already heard that Jar Jar makes an appearance.
Not in every one.
He's just rubbing it in for the rest of our lives.
He's going to be like, see, I'm not wrong because this is still popular,
even though I've ruined it.
Yeah, no.
There's 54 different versions that you may encounter.
Right.
Well, that's what they said about the Indiana Jones ride.
And it's like, oh, I just didn't go right by the bugs.
This segment of Doug Loves Movies
is brought to you by the Disney Corporation.
Is there any way I can get the last three minutes of my life
back? Or are they gone now?
They're just gone? You can send them an invoice.
Now, when people say that,
do you think they ever...
How pleasantly surprised would you be
if I could get you those three minutes back?
I would be really impressed.
And how is that not a movie?
That is an obnoxious thing to ask for.
Something that I cannot help you with.
I cannot get you those three minutes back.
Are you sure?
And yet you still bring it up.
Well, what if we were to put a value on the last three minutes of Sam's life?
I think that's a more interesting conversation.
Well, it would take just a few moments to calculate that.
Based on the rest of his life and what he's done with it.
Now you hang on right there.
You hang on right there.
Are we converting these to masturbation minutes?
Because that, I believe, is what I've spent the bulk of my life doing.
The highest value you're talking about?
Yeah.
All right, Sam, let's play the Litter-Mot.
Oh, boy.
We've come full circle.
We're going to go out on the masturbation joke.
This is exciting.
All right, so I think we are going to go out on the masturbation joke this is exciting uh all right so i think we are going to start with uh with ollie over here i just want to say really quickly that um
recently i played one category in the in this game on the douglas movies that we taped in la
and then i screwed up and played the same category in Philadelphia
and Graham Elwood got caught in this weird position of like kind of, you know,
already knowing what the answer might be.
And he just sort of played along instead of saying,
Doug, you fucked up, we've already done this one.
Wow.
Yeah, so apologies.
Advantage play, Graham Elwood.
Yeah, exactly.
So apologies to at Bacon, Eggs, and Cheese.
Bacon, Egg, and Cheese.
That was his name on Twitter.
And no, Bacon, Egg, and Cheese, I won't fly you out to L.A. for a rematch.
That's what he asked for on Twitter.
I'm giving him an apology.
Yeah, you're not going to fly him out to L.A.
It's not like a real game show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Even if he can find his own way out to L.A., he doesn't need it.
You know, I'll be back in
Philadelphia. I had a great time there, and we'll do
another one. Maybe next time
he comes to your show, you can give him a free drink
on the house. On me. How about
that? On me. A free drink at my show?
Yeah. Okay. On me. Alright.
Come see me with the bill. We'll work that out. Yeah. Because I feel
bad for him. I'll come after that money from you.
Okay, great. Can I get those two minutes
back? What are the odds Sam
remembers the commitment when all of a sudden
the bill for one drink shows up?
That'll be the price of his three minutes.
That's right. Okay, here we go. Welcome to Time Swap,
the game show where people want their minutes back.
Here you get the answers
correctly to get three minutes back.
Oh, shit. How great would that be?
That's a good sci-fi movie-like game.
Like, in the future,
they can give you a little time back
if you win.
I like it.
I call it.
Copyright it.
You got that one?
Okay.
So now you know how the game is played.
He heard Libnicki going through the paces.
I'm not certain that I listened
to the best incarnation of the game
to be educated on it,
but I am going to give it
a noble and valiant effort.
Okay. Well, today, May 30th,
is Steven Tabalowski's birthday,
who is an upcoming guest
on Kevin Pollack's chat show. Oh, nice.
Sunday, the 5th of June. That's right. This very weekend.
This grab. This very weekend. So if you're listening to this
the day it plops on Friday, you've only got
two more days to wait before Tabalowski
If you're listening to it Monday, it's already happened.
It's already happened. You can download it. And you can it go get it and enjoy it right now you know what else you
could go get the previous week show christopher guest for real what an episode that was may 29th
that's an amazing it was a guest guest it was for me personally it was quite the get all right okay
so steven tabloidski films Or tomorrow, Clint Eastwood's birthday.
So we've got Clint Eastwood movies.
Or a category we almost got to last time, a little bit, baseball movies.
Ooh.
So Tabalowski, Clint Eastwood, or baseball movies.
Now, is there a way for me to ask for the best recommendation that would handicap my opponents?
Can I get a spot?
What do you think these two
know? No, you can't. It isn't even playing
You have to, I'd say go more for what you think
you know than what you think
we don't know. Yeah.
I would say baseball movies. Alright.
Would you like a baseball movie from 1993,
2004, or
2005?
Let's go with 05.
Alright. 2005. Let's go with 05. All right.
2005.
Len gave this one three stars.
He called it appealing and said,
the writers paint a believable picture,
and the stars couldn't be more likable.
You've got nine names.
I feel like I misplayed. I should have said 93.
No, like that.
What I'm hosting, sometimes I let people go back, but Sam is very strict.
No, sorry.
Sam's strict?
Sorry.
Because I feel like I already know what 93 was.
Well, you know what you need to do is wait until you get to choose a category again,
hope baseball movies comes up again, and then pick it.
Because right now you're stuck with 2005.
So there are nine names.
So now I bid how many names
I think I can do it in.
Yes, the clues again.
Three stars, appealing, the writers paint a believable
picture, and the stars couldn't be more likable.
Stars.
Hands off iPhones.
I'm just checking.
This is an honor game, sir.
So yeah, see, a good opening bid would say nine names or something, but you could...
Yeah, it's kind of like the liar's dice, but...
It is.
It may not come back around to me.
It may not.
Yeah.
I feel like what Doug is recommending me to do, as far as a bid is concerned, is probably what I shouldn't do.
No, he's usually pretty fair with that.
I'll say eight names.
All right.
Kevin, we're going to go to you next.
Seven names.
I'll say six.
Oh, wow.
I feel like I misplayed now because five is getting called by Pollock.
If I bid five.
Don't know that.
Wow. Nice work, Pokerface.
Yeah.
Pokerface.
Finally. You said you could do it in six. I've been waiting for Walken the whole episode.
You can either bid five or
fewer or say
name that movie to Doug. I want to say name that movie to Doug.
Alright, you're going to get six names.
Wow.
It's baseball, so you were smart to pick baseball.
My confidence level in you is high.
I know you are going to win this.
My confidence level in you is high with six names.
All right.
I don't need your confidence level.
Here we go.
I don't need to look even dumber because you think I'm going to get it.
I like to put as much pressure on you as possible on your own show.
Here we go.
All right.
Marisa Janet Winokur.
Okay. K.D. Strick show. Here we go. Alright. Marisa Janet Winokur. Okay. KD
Strickland.
Iona Skye.
Evan Helmuth.
Willie
Garson and Jo Beth
Williams. Those are your six names.
Oh, if only you could see the look on
Doug's face right now. He's in pain. Awesome.
Ladies and Jews, he's in big, big
pain. Like a brain freeze. His hands, he's really cold. Thank He's in pain. Awesome. Ladies and Jews, he's in big, big pain.
Like a brain freeze. His hands from really cold ice cream.
Wiping his eyes.
Thank God I didn't say five.
Yeah.
Dead man walking.
Dead man walking.
Dead man walking.
Wow.
Was this limited release?
Okay, so the last two names are?
Jo Beth Williams.
Jo Beth Williams?
No, no, I mean I'm saying after Jo Beth Williams.
Oh, well there's three after.
There's three more?
There's nine total.
So maybe like the little kid and then the mother and then the guy?
Nice.
Nicely done, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
You're right in there.
You're right in the pocket.
You're flying this thing.
Give me the names again.
Okay.
Okay.
Marisa Jenna Winokur, K.D. Strickland, Iona Skye, Evan Helmuth, Willie Garson, JoBeth Williams.
First of all, it's a Willie Garson movie that's not Sex and the City.
I know, I know.
So that's insane right there.
That's insane right there because I can't think of any other.
He was great on NYPD Blue.
I've played poker with him, actually.
He's a fine poker player.
Yeah.
Three stars from Len, huh?
Give me the clues again.
Appealing.
The writers paint a believable picture,
and the stars couldn't be more likable.
Stars.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just going to, this is going to be wrong, I think, but I'm just going to throw it out
there just because it's just what I'm focused on.
The Rookie.
No, that is incorrect.
Kevin, you ever like to venture a guess?
No, it's always my angle.
I won that round.
Oh.
You won, yeah, but you don't know what it is.
Very well.
Actually, you did not win that round.
I won that round.
He was a little stuck to name that movie.
I laid out there, and I just wanted to see whether or not there was some strange warp that happened.
Can you name the movie?
I will give you another name.
I cannot name that movie.
James B. Sicking.
Siking.
Siking?
For the love of the game?
No.
This next name, we'll give it away.
Yeah, I mean, that's crazy that James B. Sikis is the third bill.
And also the fact that this next name is not the first name is a little weird.
Okay.
Jimmy Fallon.
Oh, oh, oh, fever pitch.
Why is it weird?
Because Drew Barrymore was a much bigger star at that time.
First of all, it was 2005.
I understand she's a much bigger star, but arguably he is the lead of the film.
Oh, yeah, yeah, but it's still, she got the thing.
I don't think you understand how billing works, Sam.
No, I understand. I'm surprised at Leonard. Oh, yeah, yeah. But still, she's, you know. I don't think you understand how billing works, Sam. No, I understand.
I'm surprised at Leonard.
I'm surprised at Leonard.
Since he usually writes.
Who got top billing in music and lyrics?
Hugh Grant or Drew Barrymore?
Drew Barrymore.
He got you there.
The music.
Wow.
Jason Antoon.
You still have my favorite joke about that, by the way.
Fever fucking pitch.
Which is based on the trailers for music and lyrics
I don't think of people watching baseball
As being a movie about baseball
I'm sorry
That is absolutely a baseball movie
Yeah it is
Alright well point goes to Ollie
Oh by the way to finish that joke
I never would have thought of it though you know
I know that's why it's a hard category
Once Fallon dropped everybody knew it though
The only way
Well because it takes If you found out the lead character's names were music and lyrics.
I love that joke.
It takes three seconds to go through the Jimmy Fallon filmography.
Exactly.
It's a limited IMDb.
Taxi or Almost Famous, and you're done.
And scene.
And by the way, Willie Garson has been
in a ton of the
Farrelly Brothers movies, guys.
Really?
Yeah.
Let's name them now.
Kingpin?
He probably plays
a handicapped person
in The Ringer.
I'm sure,
I think he's in The Ringer.
I don't know about a handicap.
He's good at that.
Like on NYPD Blue
he played kind of
a mentally unstable dude
and he was good.
He had a nice arc.
Okay.
Let's continue the game,
The ball moves to you,
Capo.
Extra long episode.
Yeah,
this is crazy.
Here you go.
You can choose from
Clint Eastwood films.
I'll give you baseball movies
a second time,
and you can also take
It's all the same categories again.
No, no, no.
All right, all right.
I'll give you two different categories.
I'll give you Clint Eastwood,
In Fears Now,
a very popular category, or since this category was so categories. I'll give you Clint Eastwood, In Theaters Now, a very popular category.
Yes.
Or since this category was so popular last time, a slight twist on it, Movies My Dad Likes.
Your dad?
My dad, Harris Levine.
Movies My Mom Likes was a very popular category last time.
I'm sure it was, but I'm going to go Movies in Theaters Now.
Okay, In Theaters Now.
Would you like a movie from now, now, or now?
That joke was so good last time, I went right to it again.
I'm gonna go not now. Okay.
Here we go.
Okay.
As you know, Leonard does not give stars to the
movies that are in theaters now, so I can't, I cannot
give you how many stars. But, about
this film, he says, there are light
moments, but the film runs
out of steam far too early
and he wishes the movie were
better. Hmm. And there are
seven names.
I can name it in seven.
Alright. Strong bid. Douglas?
There are light moments,
but the film runs out of steam far too early.
He wishes the movie was better.
Whispering gives things more gravity.
I think is the proper grammar.
What was the second one of those three things?
But the film runs out of steam far too early.
That's most bad.
I'll go six names.
I'll go six names.
I think I'm going to have to have you name that movie again, Doug.
Let's do it.
Give me him.
Give me him.
Give me him.
Give me him.
Six names.
Let's go.
Getting every name but the lead.
Yeah, give me him.
Let's do it.
Imagine if we did the last movie and you got up to the second to the last name.
Okay, here we go.
You were stuck, though.
Your six out of seven
names are
Christopher Jordan
Wallace,
Glenn Howerton,
Michael Pena,
Stephen Root,
Laura Dern,
and Rebecca Hall.
You are only missing
the lead of the film.
That's in theaters now? It is in theaters right now.
Love it.
We can go see it this afternoon.
He's just that close.
That close.
It's a little tiny film.
Oh, the befuddled look.
That's why you're going to get two points.
You know the film.
Yeah, when you say in theaters now, you mean like five theaters.
In this case.
No, no, no, no.
This movie is accessible to many. In theater now is the category. In this case. No, no, no, no. This movie is accessible to many.
In theater now.
How many screens?
In theater now.
Several hundred.
Absolutely.
Several hundred.
He said several hundred like he was going to say several thousand.
No, it's not like it's in 20 theaters.
It's not like it's only in arthouse cinemas.
It is.
If it's in a couple of hundred, then it's a limited release. It is a limited release, but it's not like a tiny release. It's not like it's only in arthouse cinemas. It is. If it's in a couple of hundred, then it's a limited release.
It is a limited release, but it's not like a tiny release.
It's not like Human Centipede.
There's no one within 72.
Hey, don't you say anything bad about Human Centipede.
I'm not.
I'm just saying it was only open.
You could have seen it in three theaters across the country.
You could not find someone within 72 blocks that can give you the name of this movie.
That's a lot of blocks.
72.
Apparently, you can give it.
Nope.
You can't. I just know of it. Because Steven a lot of blocks. 72. Apparently you can give it. Nope. You can't.
I just know of it.
Because Stephen Root was on the show and spoke about it.
Right.
But you do not know the name of the film.
No.
It's certainly not something I've seen.
No, of course not.
But, you know, it's fine.
It's just, for me, the In Theaters Now category is like, you know,
massive releases, like thousands of theaters.
I'm going to tell you the last name, and you're going to know the movie.
I don't think I'm going to know the name. I really don't.
Has he officially waved the white flag? No, he hasn't.
Sammy, no one knows the name of this movie.
I think you're wrong.
The fact that you think you knew the name of this movie
before you read it on your iPhone is not fair.
Give me the cast again.
Okay. Christopher Jordan Wallace,
Glenn Howerton, Michael Pena,
Stephen Root, Laura Dern, Rebecca Hall.
My point has just been made. With all those names, five of which, if they're in a movie, you know about it.
The last two through six are all names. Even Glenn Howerton, you would know a film he was in if, in fact, the name of the film were known.
Yeah, I even think, I'll even go so far as to say
I think I saw Rebecca Hall in, I mean, I know I saw Rebecca Hall
in a pizza place at South by Southwest
because they were showing this movie.
And I still can't tell you what it's called.
Well, it is not my fault that you...
No, no, I mean, it's just some...
It's not a real movie that just...
The point of this category
is, like, you've seen TV advertisements.
You've seen TV advertisements? No way.
No way. No.
100% I've seen TV advertisements
and 100% I've seen several
of the stars of this feature all
over the late night circuit.
No way. I haven't seen any of them.
Lauren Dern hasn't been on anything lately
to promote this thing. Most of these people couldn't get on a talk show if their publicist paid the talk show.
Wow.
You guys.
Glenn Howerton is a big name.
You know what?
This is sad.
That's painful.
Their shitty movie skills at this game, they are attacking me.
What's the name of this movie that nobody's heard of?
Like, no one listening to this is going to know the answer right now.
I'll bet Belknap knows.
Of course he doesn't.
Okay.
The last name is Will Ferrell.
Oh, everything must go.
Okay.
Oh, everything must go. Yeah. Oh, everything must go.
Yeah.
I'm sorry if you guys don't know the other supporting cast.
Will Ferrell's the only one on that list that's done a talk show supporting the film.
He's the only one.
For sure.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Not even Rebecca Hall.
I don't think anybody else.
But it's been really low on the radar.
But that's how the game works.
This is a podcast.
I tried to tell.
He thought he would lose for sure today going up against me and Kevin.
But it's just like a position is everything. I tried to tell, he thought he would lose for sure today going up against me and Kevin. Is it in poor taste?
Position is everything.
Is it in poor taste, though, to put Doug to the test on his own podcast about movies?
I'm sure his listeners loved what just happened.
Oh, okay.
Absolutely.
And once again, we are running a perfect record on this, by the way.
Every time I host the show, it only takes the minimum amount of movies
to crown a winner. It ends right away
because you pick obscure
stuff than I pick. Fever pitch?
Yeah, fever pitch.
Who's ever thinking about or
talking about fever pitch? I pick more obscure stuff
than you do. It was like, that movie should have
been the most amazing baseball movie ever.
They managed to catch and actually film
when the fucking Cubs actually fucking won the
series.
I think even the Red Sox.
Or whoever.
Whoever it was, it was amazing that they happened to be filming when that happened.
I would like your podcast listeners to let me know on Twitter how many of them know the
movie The Falcon and the Snowman.
How many of them actually know that movie?
That's a movie, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't pick obscure movies.
Sam's carrying some baggage into this week's episode.
Where did Falcon and the Snowman come up?
A couple months ago.
I don't know.
I would venture to say.
Who said what about it?
I don't remember what the beef is.
It was the last time I did it against Leonard.
Listen.
And that was a movie you picked?
Or I picked?
You picked that I had to guess.
Shy of this coming.
Yeah, and that movie starred two of the biggest stars of that time.
And you pick the date.
If you pick a date, a movie that's that old.
Yeah, I understand.
But that movie was much bigger than Everything Must Go will ever be.
This is correct.
And also the impression that it will leave on the American psyche.
That you guys can't lose gracefully.
Nobody that was listening to this show knew the answer before you said Will Ferrell.
Okay, I would like podcast listeners, please find me on Twitter.
Well, people can write to you and go, I knew it.
I want them.
No, I'm being honest.
I would love to play it that way.
Be honest.
I would love to know.
You're asking people on the internet to be honest.
I'm taking a chance.
I'm taking a chance.
People who write from people.
The world of anonymous.
There's going to be a ton of hot girls answering to this.
Sam, you did a great job, as usual.
I've already read on the internet people compliment you because you actually pick out all the clues ahead of time,
and I just sort of scan the review.
Oh, no, he's much better at it than you are.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
You definitely run a tighter game, but you also, you know, you've got to do it your way.
It's a little tougher.
Well, I don't know if tougher is the right word for it. You want to play one more just to see what happens? Sure, we should. I mean, it's, you've got to do it your way. It's a little tougher. Well, I don't know if tougher is the right word for it.
You want to play one more just to see what happens?
Sure, with pleasure.
I mean, it's your turn.
You should have a subject.
And Doug, tougher's not, you're right, tougher's not the word.
He plays it a little more unfair.
Wow.
But I do have that, like, I have that impulse every time I'm setting up in theaters now,
is I'll be like, oh, I'll put Win-Win in there.
And then I'll think, oh, you know what?
Especially when we go out on the road and play with people from the audience,
Win-Win's not in every city in the country.
Well, I'm not playing with strangers in an audience.
I'm playing with a huge movie star.
I know you know all your movies.
I didn't know Ollie was going to be here today,
and he seems like a movie guy. I write the game. I prepare the game for people who I all your movies. I didn't know all he was going to be here today, and he seems like a movie guy.
I write the game.
I prepare the game for people who I know know movies.
And let's be honest.
He admitted at least 17 minutes ago that he plays mostly with himself.
He did admit that.
That came up.
Yeah.
I spent the bulk of my life doing that.
That was our segue, actually, into the Leonard Maltz.
I don't even know what we're arguing about anymore.
My point is just this. You get a subject.
You get a subject. In theaters now, thousand
theaters minimum. Minimum.
If you tell Sam that
he will deliver. Oh yeah, of course.
Sam delivers.
Sam the ma'am
is my pizza man. Will you wager
Doug that
everything must go is in
under or over 1,000 theaters
under
oh way under
way under
it's about
330 tops
what do you think
does somebody want to
look it up
I'm looking it up
did you already
look it up
there he goes
no I have not
looked it up
I just feel like
with the amount
of contention
I'll tell you what
you pick the over under
and I'll tell you
how much action
I'll tell you theaters
it's not playing out
in Los Angeles right now
it's not at the arc light
it's not at the arc light I It's not at the Arclight.
I'm the host. I'm the host, you guys.
I'm the host. Sorry, we forgot. It's not at the
Arclight. It's not at the Grove. It's
not. I was just looking at movie theaters
today. It's not playing fucking. I wouldn't be
surprised if Everything Must Go isn't
playing in Los Angeles today.
I would not be surprised.
Wow. Yeah. That's
pretty strong. This is a major metropolitan movie going neck up. Because it was at the Arclight, I think, when it opened, and it's not be surprised. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty strong. This is a major metropolitan movie going next.
Because it was at the Arclight, I think, when it opened, and it's not there now.
As of last week, Everything Must Go was playing in 245 theaters.
You're welcome.
Wow.
I knew it was under 300.
I'll accept the line at 300.
Okay, and for the record, I knew it was under 300.
Let's set the record straight, you guys.
The King's Speech currently showing in $18.
Are you kidding me?
It wasn't even last year.
Yeah, because it's that stupid PG version.
Right, that version of the movie is showing in $18.
PG-13 version where they took the F-bombs out.
How is that relevant?
I'm saying that there's a significant...
See, there's a hugely famous movie that's only in $18 theaters.
Win-win a movie you just referenced is only playing in 124.
Yeah, and I think I brought it up as like that's not enough theaters to use in theaters now.
Does Woody Allen have a movie out right now?
Yeah, it's called something about Paris.
Yeah?
Playing in 17 theaters.
Which is the other thing I thought that you were throwing at me with everything must go.
I knew it was something that was was not in a lot of theaters.
But I just...
This game is more like it's for the
newer players to have a chance.
Now that I know Pirates 4
you require a thousand screen
minimum. What were your other two
movies for in theaters now?
Bridesmaids.
And The Beaver.
Beaver's borderline.
Because it ended up kind of coming out and not getting as much attention as it even deserved.
Right.
Because it's not a terrible movie.
But hey, I want to give you a chance to pick from a category.
Yeah, it is.
Before we conclude here.
So you can go with Clint Eastwood movies, movies my dad likes, or 420 Birthday, Crispin Glover.
Can I just say that Beaver is maybe the greatest film title in history? Movies My Dad Likes or 420 Birthday Crispin Glover.
Can I just say that Beaver is maybe the greatest film title in history?
Wait, I mean the opposite of that.
It's very misleading.
Forget misleading.
It's just horrible.
Yeah, it's just a terrible title.
They could have called it a million things.
It's like shoe polish.
Yeah.
Go see that before I see a movie called Beaver.
Mel Gibson in shoe polish.
That doesn't sound like something racist is about to happen.
Most films named the Beaver require like a costume and a CD. He's on his way there.
Well, he's got his hand in the pump.
But they never even call.
I don't even think they barely even say the word Beaver.
And it's never like in the movie itself.
The joke is never that the word Beaver is salacious.
Of course.
You know?
So it's like space oddity?
They should just call it like...
Songs where they never mention the title of the song.
They should just call it The Puppet or something.
I always start that list with that.
And it's not a terrible movie.
That girl Jennifer Lawrence is in it.
She's great.
I saw a clip of Jodie Foster doing something that was very intense and dramatic.
No, in that film.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I thought you were going to make
like a pinball machine reference.
No, no, no.
Dr. Lecter.
Dr. Lecter.
Dr. Lecter.
Dr. Lecter.
Oh, yeah, there's a dial tone, idiot.
You're in the FBI
and you're yelling into a phone
that you can hear a dial tone.
Dr. Lecter.
I don't think there is a dial tone.
He doesn't hang the phone up.
He puts it on top of the receiver.
But it's just silent. Well, silent is not a dial tone. No, it does a dial tone think there is a dial tone He doesn't hang the phone up He puts it on top of the receiver He's got you there But there's just
It's just silent
Well silent is not a dial tone
No it does a dial tone
It does a dial tone
There's a distinctive
No it's always pissed me off
I think it's a dial tone
In movies how
When someone hangs up
On the other end
The person on the
On the first end
Here's a dial tone
That does not happen
Since 1978
Yeah
Yeah yeah
It did happen at one point
But yeah Right But I mean It just hasn't happened In too long now That that can't be This has not happened since 1978. Yeah, it did happen at one point, but yeah.
Right.
But I mean, it just hasn't happened in too long now that that can't be the thing that
keeps happening in movies.
Mama told me not to tell.
Well, you know that Silence of the Lambs was from three decades ago, right?
1991?
So two and a half?
20?
20, yeah.
Two decades.
But it might have got over there a little bit into the third decade.
You're dodging.
Can I just interject one thing, please?
Mama say, mama say, mama maka say.
That's all I've got for you.
Oh, you're not going to open up the envelope and finish the joke?
Tariq, you want to do this category?
No, I don't.
Crispin Glover category.
No.
What's the other ones?
Movies My Dad Likes or Clint Eastwood.
Clint Eastwood's in it or directed it or could be either.
He stars.
Oh, wait a minute.
He's in one of these features.
He's in all of these features.
I'll go Clint Eastwood.
All right.
Would you like a Clint Eastwood movie from 1979, 1993, or 2002?
2002. 2002.
Oh.
Here we go.
He's a favorite with this one, I think.
Here we go.
Lin gave this one two and a half stars.
And he said, Eastwood has never been more relaxed on screen, and this movie fits him
like a glove.
And it's got a perfunctory finale.
I just wanted to say that word.
Perfunctory.
I'll go zero names.
There are seven names, but you're going zero.
Yeah, I would have gone zero too.
Now, Ollie,
if you feel
you're feeling saucy,
Doug knows where I'm going with this.
I could say negative one names.
You could say negative one names.
And take it.
But of course, you'd also have to know the name of the film.
Yeah, the name of the film and someone other than Clint Eastwood.
Is that true?
Because negative one is just...
Well, he might be the lead, right?
You might be giving it away.
He's not the lead.
You know, there is that possibility.
Wait, so when you say negative one, you must provide...
The movie title as well.
No, the movie title, obviously.
And number one on the call sheet.
And number one on the...
And number one on the billing.
Right.
Which Leonard may not have billed Clint.
Now that it's been established that Leonard likes to screw a little bit with the rules.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'll say it one more time.
I can't, I honestly can't think of a Clint Eastwood movie in the past two or three decades
that he was not the top-billed actor on.
Mama say,
mama say,
mama makusha.
Wow, this is a tough spot.
I guess, you know...
Here's the good news.
You've already won the game.
I've already won the game
and I should provide Doug
with an opportunity
at redemption.
If for no other reason
because it's not that redemptive.
Yeah, I don't think it is either.
Certainly not that gracious.
I'm not fishing for graciousness, but I will ask Doug for the third time in this show to name that movie.
Okay.
All right, buddy.
Zero Names.
And Zero Names.
And it's from... 2002.
No, when you bid zero, I mean, you're supposed to have something on the tip of your tongue.
I did have something, but now it feels like that's too long ago for what I'm thinking.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Give me it all again.
Eastwood has never been more relaxed on screen, and this movie fits him like a glove.
And it's got a perfunctory finale.
It's not the movie you're thinking of.
Really? How do you know what he's thinking of? Because I know how
he plays. You think he's thinking
of Unforgiven? No.
It's not Gran Torino?
Oh my god. Because that's too long
ago, right? Too long ago? Are you kidding?
Gran Torino was like a week ago.
Compared to it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He means 2002 is too long ago.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No,
I knew that's the wrong year,
but that just,
that describes,
uh,
that movie.
Um,
wow.
So you think you know what it is?
I might,
I might.
Kevin, do you think you know what it is?
Oh, so it's Bridges of Madison County?
No.
That fit in pretty good, right?
It's like an old photographer.
At least I'm in the ballpark.
I won all three points.
I think I might have said Bloodwork.
That is your winner. That's it, really? I never would have said that in a million years. Was said Bloodwork. That is your winner.
That's it, really? I never would have said that in a million years.
But I didn't bid minus one
and Bloodwork because
I wasn't sure if Clint would get the top billing
but I should have thought to myself, who else would?
But I didn't want to take a chance.
Especially after the Malton conversation.
Give me second building.
The female, Hillary Swank.
No? That's a million dollar bill. The second building. The second building. The female Hillary Swank. No, no.
That's a million dollar movie.
Oh, sorry.
Which, by the way, got my signals crossed.
It was an after school special to me.
Who was the girl in that?
Was it Renee Russo?
What the fuck is Bloodwork?
No.
It was a...
Oh, it's actually...
Oh, wait, Renee Russo...
I don't think it deserves to.
I think it deserved more than that.
Renee Russo's a good show.
That's in the line of fire.
I've never heard of Bloodwork.
How is that possible?
I'll lend it to you.
It's a good movie.
Who's the lady in it? Angelica Houston. Oh. Really? I've never heard of Bloodwork. How is that possible? I'll lend it to you. It's a good movie. Who's the lady in it?
Angelica Houston.
Oh.
Really?
I've never heard of it even more.
Really?
And the other dude, Jeff Daniels.
Now I've totally never heard of it.
Yeah, it's really a forgettable thing.
Well, at least it wasn't...
I'm actually glad that I had an opportunity to say Bloodwork before the answer was given
away because I was starting to feel like all
I'm doing is just calling whoever's before me and I'm like, absolute power.
Okay.
Just write it down there.
I'm going to save those other categories.
Yeah, that's so funny that my year knowledge is so horrible that I like, Gran Torino has
the most perfunctory, that's good, most perfunctory That's good Most perfunctory ending
Yeah
Yeah yeah
Cause he you know
Yeah no I saw it
I didn't know about that though
When he falls down on the ground
Like in a cross position
It's like pretty
Yeah
Maybe perfunctory is not the right word for it
That movie didn't do as much for me
Can I tell you what movie I've heard of
Before Bloodwork?
Hitler's Jolly Birthday
I heard of that movie before i heard of a film
that's with vince vaughn oh man what the fuck is blood work it's i mean it's a real thing i
remember it i remember it bad he made movies like clint eastwood was sort of uh like woody allen
as a actor writer i mean i don't know if clint eastwood is written he doesn't write director
he kind of did he he write Bird, though?
He wrote one of them.
And he writes the music for a lot of them.
He just went back to the 80s, but yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But anyway, Clint Eastwood was pounding him out for a while there.
He's absolutely prolific.
Like, what was the one where, there was another one where there was like a murderer on the
loose and people were seeing him in their dreams or something?
Yeah, that one's called
Dreamwork.
Wow.
But yeah,
anyway, and then there's Absolute Power.
He was in that. And then he just
was churning out some pretty
generic stuff there for a while.
And I haven't seen most of
them, but
Bloodwork never even heard of it.
Yes, sir?
Bloodwork is based on a Michael Connelly novel,
as well as Lincoln Lawyer, also based on a Michael Connelly novel.
Thank you for that.
That's why Matt Belknap, I will never read Michael Connelly,
is my homeboy.
Nicely done.
This is a bad question to ask because I know I know it
but I'm being lazy
the author that
in the line of fire
and all that
all the Harrison Ford
Patterson?
Is that Patterson?
No no no
Oh the Harrison Ford guy
Huge yeah
the Harrison Ford character
Clancy
Patriot Games
I feel like this was
sort of
in that
in that vein of
like Eastwood did
a few
it wasn't like government
but blood work. It was like CSI-ish
kind of thing. Blood work was kind of CSI before CSI.
Yeah, for sure. And like Angelina
was like his young partner or something
right? Or the girl in the lab.
Angelina. I challenge you. Who did I say?
Angelica. I mean Angelica. Angelica, yeah.
Oh, what does she play? Bone collector.
Yeah, yeah. Angelica played like his
love interest?
Partner. His mother? collector. Yeah, yeah. Angelica played his love interest? Partner.
His mother?
Partner.
I think it was partner.
Was she the ugly witch?
Hang on, I'm going to get the full cast list.
I did not remember her in that film.
She was Dr. Bonnie Fox is who she played.
Was she more believable than her work co-starring with Doug
and Captain EO?
Yes.
Paul Rodriguez was in this film.
Bloodwork, by the way.
That might have been a good giveaway name.
You know what's a great...
He was like the lab technician.
He was the lab technician, wasn't he?
I've got a sense of humor while I'm breaking down DNA.
Did something happen to Paul Rodriguez, by the way? Yes, like the sort of, I've got a sense of humor while I'm breaking down DNA. Did something happen to Paul Rodriguez,
by the way?
Uh,
yes,
he's still writing a million,
uh,
to one,
a million to one,
two,
two.
That,
that is a film that was made.
What are you talking about?
The movie,
a million to one.
Do you not know this feature?
I've,
I'm somewhat familiar with it.
I'm going to see it right after Everything Must Go and Bloodwork.
I loved
him in that Ted Danson movie.
Here's the
interesting thing about this episode here today.
I remember that. It's so much harder for me
to get control and attention
focused on what I want to say here
when we're just four of us in a room
than it is in front of an audience.
It's because you don't have the crowd on your side.
Oh, Matt's on my side.
He's on the side of wrapping this shit up, for one thing.
He's lost weight.
He's no longer a crowd.
Matt never had that weight.
But I wrote it down so that I could still say
the thing I wanted to say.
It must have been five minutes ago.
Wow.
That I definitely like back.
I'll trade you the three minutes you want back
for that five minutes I just spent.
Speaking of weight loss, Doug, now you've
lost weight. Not really. Not really?
No, I'm hovering. When you came to the poker game,
Jamie and I both thought, he's lost weight.
I hadn't swit in a while. I was just dressed better for it, probably.
You insist. Maybe a haircut
helped. Alright.
But here's a great
Clint Eastwood movie.
Kind of from that, kind of from that.
He was making a ton of movies, period, Sam.
Yeah, I'm with you.
And the giveaway name, we'll see if you can just get this.
The giveaway name would be when you get to Jim Carrey.
The Deadpool.
Got you there.
Nice.
Nicely done.
Thank you very much.
I was drawing dead there.
Nailage.
Total nailage. But that was like, I think
a lot of filmmakers do that. They like the
fourth or fifth build character is some
comedian that they just pluck from
Barry Levinson has a stand up
in almost every one of his films.
Dennis
Larry Wag the Dog. Dennis Miller
Indecent Proposal.
What did Dennis Miller do in Indecent Proposal?
He played like someone that worked with
Demi Moore in the
Yeah, because I can't picture him ever
Interacting with Robert Redford
No, no, I'm serious
Oh, I know he's in it, but
I'm sorry, not Indecent Proposal
Because Barry Levinson didn't direct that
It was the movie where
Demi Moore, Michael Douglas with Michael Douglas? Michael Douglas.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Disclosure.
Disclosure.
Disclosure.
Disclosure?
Even in the case of...
Yeah, no, it was Disclosure.
Look it up.
I think it's Disclosure.
Disclosure?
Of Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam.
He's also got Robert Wall.
I mean to say, because I was one of them,
a comedian being cast in the movie Avalon.
I know this for a fact,
because Barry and Craig T. Nelson
were a stand-up comedy team in the movie Avalon. I know this for a fact because Barry and Craig T. Nelson were a stand-up comedy team
in the late 60s.
How about, what's it,
what did I just say?
The Informant.
Love that movie.
That movie is shock full.
That's a great example.
I stand to love stand-up comedians.
Love, love, love that movie.
Worst use of stand-up comedians
in a motion picture ever.
Why? Because they're all serious.
They all get to be dramatic actors. Exactly why. But they love, love that movie. Worst use of stand-up comedians in a motion picture ever. Why? Because they're all serious. They all get to be
dramatic actors.
Exactly why.
But they're not being
dramatic either.
It's just a bunch of people
talking.
It's like,
it was like,
Oh, I like that movie a lot.
Love that movie.
I'm glad you guys loved it.
How many awards did it win?
Didn't even get nominations.
I know.
But winning awards
and nominations
is not what
that's not the whole
I'm just saying
that that's the sort of
defense that one would cling to when they don't. I'm just saying that that's the sort of defense that Matt
Damon's working to
when they don't like
something.
Matt Damon's work in
the film was a
revelation in terms of
performances.
He was nominated.
He's very good.
And the device of
hearing everything that
he's thinking, my God
is a fantastic device.
And I'd love to see
that in a good movie.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, but it's it to
me that I almost brought
it up when we were
talking about burn
about burn after reading.
Didn't he get nominated for Invictus?
I think so.
It came out the same year.
And he was so much more interesting.
Yeah, he was great in it.
But also, listeners that have been around for a while have already heard me gripe about this.
He did not need to gain a pound for that movie.
No one would have known.
Didn't make a difference.
And also, just him, the day after that movie wrapped, he looked
great again and was like, oh, I got that weight off.
That was rough.
You know, like, like he immediately like had another movie to do where he wasn't, because
he hasn't looked that way consecutively.
I lost six pounds for this podcast, by the way.
You did?
I did.
I lost six pounds during this podcast.
Those are six pounds you can definitely get back.
It's called Haagen-Dazs.
By the way,
how did the Ben and Jerry's
go out of business
at the Century 15,
Westfield Century City Mall?
Did you go to that mall at all?
There was a Ben and Jerry's
right below the escalator
to the movie theater.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gone?
That Ben and Jerry's gone.
How does a Ben and Jerry's
go out of business in the mall?
Because this ever happened
in history?
Because we're in L.A.
and it's the health food movement and people
realize that that's
just calories gone.
Do you live in Los Angeles?
Yeah.
Because I don't
subscribe to that.
I think the people
are loud about going
to Whole Foods,
but there's a lot more
Ralph's than there are
Whole Foods.
But Ralph's isn't
necessarily unhealthy.
You can walk out of
Ralph's healthy.
You just walk out of it
on more of a budget.
Yes.
But, I mean,
Ben and Jerry's is in the Los Angeles area.
But at a mall.
One of our other sponsors.
Have you heard my Whole Foods, the slogan that they should use?
Please.
Whole Foods for your food hole?
Nice.
We got to wrap it up, you guys.
This is so long.
You always do the longest episodes when I'm here in studio with you.
I don't know how that happens.
Well, one way that it happens is we got to go back and listen to some of the tangents you took us on.
I was defending my choices.
That was the tangent.
No, I mean just now.
Just when I wanted to say this Jim Carrey thing,
you guys were talking about something.
I couldn't even tell you what it was.
That's why I don't need those minutes back
is because I didn't really waste them to begin with.
I was doing other things.
I was planning the rest of my day
thinking about going downstairs
for some sushi
if anybody's interested.
I've got a Korean barbecue
in a couple hours.
Really?
I do.
Like going to a place?
Yes.
Really?
What's it called?
Why not do your own
Korean barbecue on Memorial?
Sorry, go ahead.
It is Memorial Day.
That's right.
Oh, no, no, no.
I did a bit of a barbecue
for my crew
after the show last night, which was a lot of fun.
Throwing on some ribs and chicken sausage and whatnot.
So you've done the Korean barbecue.
I need to be in a restaurant.
Where are we going?
What's the name of this restaurant?
No one's going to stalk you.
Oh, that's right.
It would have been in the past.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I drive.
It's W-H-A-R-O.
I'm not even sure how to pronounce it.
W-H-A-R-O. W-H-A-R-O I'm not even sure how to pronounce it W-H-A-R-O
W-H-A-R-O
Sam is so angry
Right
At what's transpiring
No now you can't go back there
Sam you're invited
Don't make little Wolverine angry
Two days in a row you burn me like this
I thought it just now happened
I got a text from Jamie saying
Tell Sam he can come
Yeah she said little Wolverine is invited
I'm looking for that
Tell him To the ma'am Tell him he can't eat with his Edmontium claws though Yeah, she said Lil' Wolverine is invited. I'm looking for that.
Tell him he can't eat with his adamantium claws, though.
But he can cook with them.
You're never going to get to this outro.
No, I'll do it.
I'll totally do it. I think it's fun, and honestly, people all the time say we love it when an episode is super long.
In this case, they might not so much, but
a lot of times they love it. No one ever listens
to this in one sitting. I can tell you
from experience of doing two hours of podcast.
Well, unless it's like a long drive or something. That is the only case.
For the minority.
I listen to five episodes back
to back on a flight from
New York to LA. And the people
sitting around you must have been driven crazy by you
yelling out answers the whole time.
Actually, it's the laughing.
So angry.
It's the obscenely loud laughter.
Oh, nice.
I'm sorry, you listened to five episodes of this and not the chat show?
I'm on the chat show.
You don't listen to the chat show.
I'm there when it happens.
He is there, that's true.
That's also a good point.
I've never seen an episode.
There are 113 of them and I've never watched one.
Well, you know how long they are.
Exactly.
I watch all the ones I'm not there for, so I don't miss anything.
You listen to one.
Come back and let us know.
Doug, you were saying?
Oh, thank you to my guests.
Oh, you're very welcome.
Sam the Mam did it again.
Thanks, buddy.
He really did.
Another great Leonard Mulden game where I have to spend the whole time telling you how I would do it.
Yes, and the beginner's luck luck all three points went to Ali.
But he does do it better.
And yeah,
and Ali Nejad is our winner.
Far and away.
Didn't have to name a single movie.
He didn't go negative.
He should have gone negative
on Bloodwork because
he could have gotten
into the next tournament
of championships.
Oh, if I went negative
I could have done it?
He did call it out though
prior to it being listed.
Yeah, he did.
So partial credit for that. You know the only reason I didn't is because the Maltin discussion I went negative, I could have done it. He did call it out, though, prior to it being listed. Yeah, he did. So that was...
So like partial credit for that.
You know, the only reason I didn't is because the Malton discussion about how sometimes
he does weird things with the billing, I just...
To be fair, that's more of a rarity.
That threw me for a loop.
Okay.
But I was thrown for a loop and I didn't want to lose based on that.
Also, if you know the film and the conversation prior, you're not allowed that excuse.
I'm not.
You know that...
Yeah, based on the conversation,
there's no chance Eastwood doesn't get
first billing in this movie. There's no chance.
I definitely... Who's going next?
Angelica Houston? Yeah.
It's never happening. Remember who got
top billing in Batman and Robin?
Wait for it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's correct.
Good one.
Thank you. Clooney was not a made man yet. Nope. Still earning his stripes. That's correct. Good one. Thank you.
Clooney was not a made man yet.
Nope.
Still earning his stripes.
Earning those bat nipples.
Oh, my God.
That movie.
Did you tell him what I won?
It's amazing.
You did not win that.
Oh.
I thought I won it. You won the honor.
That's a future prize.
That's a future prize.
I tried to re-gift it.
I waived Sam and to you.
All you win today is bragging rights.
If you fill the ninth seat in my game tomorrow night, you can have one.
I just might take you up on that offer.
Just to get the DVD.
Oh, my God.
You've got to play poker with this guy.
He's going to show up, lose $1,000, take the DVD.
You've got to play poker with him.
Which one of us are you saying?
I'm not going to take that long for every decision.
That was a one-time deal against you.
No, but also, I'm just saying you're a fun person to play poker with. There's a lot of, like, you know, jumping up from the table and running around during a decision.
No, there's not.
Wow.
Don't believe anything you hear.
You were out of your seat and running around the table.
No, I was not.
Wow.
That is erroneous on all counts.
No, yeah, you were really...
But you know what I mean?
You also do this game. I was mean? You also do this a lot.
You're like up in your chair thinking and moving around.
In a home game?
No.
No, no, no.
But I will say this.
The times at which I want to play in a home game are when I know it's going to be entertaining.
I don't need to go sit and be a shark with a bunch of other people who are taking it overly seriously.
That's not fun for me.
No one's going to earn a living. I like to split the difference i like to split the difference
i like it to be and that's what was great about kevin's games it was fun everyone was joking
around but like but they're trying but there was a dealer keeping it moving and everybody wanted
wanted to win and was serious about oh yeah no one's dunking off no one's gonna just be like
oh don't worry about it if like about it if some hand gets messed up.
But that doesn't come at the expense of being entertained, which is for sure a rule of mind.
The point of having the game is that it's fun.
Good.
Yep.
Oh, really?
Yep.
I was coming by to make a little dough.
And I usually win.
That's the other point.
Oh, yeah.
You always win, really?
Not always.
Depends who the dealer is.
Once.
I lost nine.
I lost one out of ten.
Was that one really bad, though? Oh, yeah. It was the dealer is. Once. He's lost one. I lost nine. I lost one out of ten. Was that one really bad, though?
Oh, yeah.
It was the first game, and I went way deep, yeah.
Wow.
That's exciting.
This is...
If you had any listeners still with us, they are long gone.
The iPod batteries have run out by now.
This is a fun...
You want people to write...
What do you want people to say to you on Twitter? At Sam Levine. Yeah a fun, you want people to write, what do you want people to say to you
on Twitter? At Sam Levine. Yeah, what do they want you to say?
What do they want you to defend? I want to know if
any of them knew everything must go
before I got to Will Ferrell.
No way. And if,
I don't know, what else?
I don't know, go back and read this. There's some other
contention. If anyone should call Matthew McConaughey Matt.
Also,
let me know if Matthew McConaughey has ever allowed anyone to call him Matt without yelling at them.
And what I'd like people to do is go on Twitter and just type to me the names of the two shitheads at the end of the show to prove that you listened to the entire thing.
See if there's anybody.
Wow.
Can't you fast forward?
Not only listen to the entire thing and then also, well, they could, but why would they fast forward before they hear me saying this challenge?
Yeah, it's got you there.
There's only a couple seconds left after,
unless you guys have other things you want to talk about.
No, no, please.
I've got to get out of here.
Don't forget you can get premium $2 episodes that are super long like this one
of Douglas' movies and The Benson Interruption
in the comedy album section of iTunes or at astrecords.com
slash DLM.
And don't forget that I'm going to be showing
Drive Angry at CineFamily in Los Angeles
on June 6th, and I'll have some
special guests there with me to
interrupt it. One more time
for my guests today, Kevin Pollack,
Ali Nejad,
voice of NBC Poker,
and the beloved Lil' Wolverine, Sam the Ma'am.
Thank you very much.
And as always, Rene Russo is a shithead,
and Joe Beth Williams is a shithead.
I love it.