Doug Loves Movies - Mark Wahlberg, Tommy Johnagin, and Chris Cubas Guest
Episode Date: October 4, 2014Live from Madison's Comedy Club on State, Doug welcomes "Mark Wahlberg," Tommy Johnagin, and Chris Cubas to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Not...ice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Doug makes Kenny reference music
He sees the 50-80 profit burns in his teeth
There's still not one that he won't sit up on Happy Hemp Fest, Doug.
You know, it upsets me when there's somebody sitting that close to the stage
that thinks that things can be just shouted out like that.
And we might take this part out, but just real quickly,
that's the last time we're going to hear from you, right?
All right, cool.
But yeah, happy HempFest to you, too.
Hey, everybody.
My name's Doug, and I love movies!
This is Doug Loves Movies!
Coming to you once again from the Arctic North,
otherwise known as Comedy on State,
in Madison, Wisconsin!
We're doing it!
Where I was just told
that being caught with less
than an ounce of marijuana
in this town is a $10
ticket.
Shit, I usually
got that on me.
So I'm very excited.
It's Saturday, October 4th, 2014.
Wolf of Wall Street fight.
Terminator 2.
Judgment Day of the Dead.
Dead man walking tall.
The president's...
The weed's really good here.
Men in black.
Fisher King.
Ralph at Dog Day.
Afternoon.
Delightfully perfect murder by Death Wish.
Three Ami.
Ghost World's Ed. Watchmen Don't Leaving Las Vegas Food
La Jingle All the Wayne's World's Fastest Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Doomsday of Thunderbolt and Lifefoot
Fistway of the Gun Crazy Heart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
of the gun crazy heart.
Yeah.
You know how you set goals usually in yearly bites
or sometimes in yearly sections?
I said I'd do this for one year.
I would keep adding a title every week
and I'm really regretting it.
And it's 42020 plus $10.
Show me your name tags, Madison.
Oh, a light-up one right up front.
That's, wow, Punch Drunk Steve.
We've seen that one before.
I think so.
It looks familiar.
Even you added the beard.
You got a beard and everything on there.
Yeah, yeah, it looks like you.
I like how he pointed
to his face and to the to the poster there's somebody with a big hat that says magic mike on
it that's uh it's a pinata in the shape of a hat that has magic mike on it all right i stand
corrected wow somebody's lighting up a t-shirt back there. But lots of good name tags, as usual. Oh, there's a Caddyshack one.
What does that say?
What's your name?
Chaddy?
Your name's Chaddy?
Chad.
Eshack.
I get it.
Chaddyshack.
All of your friends should call you that from now on.
Or just Shack.
Or Sack.
Your new naked name is Sack.
It would be terrible
if his friends picked up on that.
Sioux Falls, I'm doing stand-up
next Sunday, October 11th
at the Orpheum Theater.
At the end of the show,
we'll play some games,
so bring your name tags.
And I've also got sets coming up
in Nashville, Tempe, Tampa,
Tupelo, that third one's a lie,
and all of my dates and
deets and links are at douglosmovies.com.
We've got a super
fat prize bag
today because
the guests were very generous
with their contributions.
I brought something I'm very excited
about. I saw a motion picture at Fantastic Fest
that's coming out very soon
called John Wick.
Yeah, and I think the tagline is,
I think it's called John Wick,
he will light your ass up.
Actually, I think the one they have
isn't as good as that.
I should really write to somebody. Oh, don't set him off the one they have isn't as good as that. I should really write to somebody.
Oh, don't set him off is what they're saying.
So anyway, he will light your ass up is the new catchphrase for John Wick,
and that guy's nickname is Sack.
We're really making a lot of...
This city council meeting's going great.
We're making a lot of great decisions.
I'm very proud of everything that's happening.
Of course, there's a Doug Loves Movies t-shirt in here.
There's a t-shirt that's from At Midnight,
because you know I appear on there from time to time.
How many At Midnight t-shirts do I need?
We've got a copy of Gateway to Two in there.
And then tons of other stuff that my awesome guests have brought.
So let's just get them out here, you guys.
Please give a big, warm
state
capital of
Wisconsin welcome
to Tommy,
Johnny, and Chris Cubis and Mark
Wahlberg. All right.
Nobody wins the Pete Holmes game.
That's exciting.
That means we're going to have
a polite cooperative panel.
So I get to decide
who we speak to first.
And mainly because I'm just curious why he's even here.
Let's start off with Mark Wahlberg, everybody.
How are you guys doing?
You doing good?
What's up, Doc?
People might have thought that was just a recording,
because that's what you say when you...
No, that's 4D.
Pre-record.
I just want to thank you for all that.
You've taken so much time out of your...
You must have a crazy schedule.
I do.
Yet you find time...
How did you wind up here in Madison on Saturday?
First off, I bought stock in this show.
It's paying off great. We sold stock?
Yeah.
I'm not even aware of that.
Oh, yeah, dude.
I'm a majority shareholder
of your show.
No, I'm actually here.
I'm filming a movie.
Really?
Yeah.
Can you tell us
anything about it?
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, it's called
One Ride at a Time,
The Tommy Bartlett story.
That's a film that people will only get it here.
It's about this entrepreneur
who's got a house on a rock
and he like...
Guys, fucking check it out If people listening to this don't know who it is
Change your fucking life
And look up who Tommy Bartlett is
He's got a fucking robot world and a ski show
That'll blow your fucking mind
Fuck Thor County
Mark, the guy that I yelled at earlier
For yelling out
Could not stop himself from saying
You're fucking killing it
And then when I looked at him
He shrugged
And I have to agree with him
You were killing it
Is it not heckling
when everybody agrees?
I don't think so.
That's just called appreciation.
Well, that movie sounds incredible.
I'd like to know more about
what the hell you were saying.
Wish I understood a word of it.
I think the word rock was in there.
People enjoyed that a great deal.
Dude, he's got this like house
on a rock that nobody can fucking get to.
Okay, alright.
But I guarantee the rock will not be in it.
So it'll be, which means it'll be good.
Why don't you hang out for like 10 minutes
after the show and talk to everybody here about
that and me and the other guests
can go do something else. For sure.
But you brought a
you brought a...
You brought what I would call
a gift of the season.
Yeah.
A tiny pumpkin.
I did.
Because first of all,
fucking get in the mood, guys.
It's going to be fucking Halloween.
A.K.A. Donnie's favorite holiday
because he can pretend
to be anyone but himself.
I went over and got that
at the farmer's market.
It was like a collection
of cold people in tents.
Yeah, it's crazy cold right now.
I don't get it.
No, it's good.
It's good for a run.
If anybody wants,
I'm doing a 10K
right after this show.
Isn't that like, you need to forget it.
Tommy Jonaghan is here, ladies and gentlemen. Woo!
gentlemen headlining this very club the comedy on state the best comedy club under a bank and all of this intersection he he is this is a great
club and he's and they they have, always have great acts
so that's why I come in
on a Saturday afternoon
and I just pilfer
somebody from,
from that evening.
It's working out
pretty good for me.
Tommy,
have you,
are you enjoying
your time here in
Madison?
I'm so used to the comics
like just talking over me
while I'm trying to ask a question
that this is hard.
I always love it here.
I've been coming here for 10 years or more.
It's one of my favorite cities.
I don't just say that here to pander.
Come see a show in Cleveland.
You'll really see me shit on a place.
Hello, assholes.
And I've never met a movie star before,
so it's a big deal.
You're welcome.
Exciting.
I'm so used to Mark being on the show,
I almost said, what movie star?
I've really grown accustomed to it.
You want to talk?
I'm going to give you that one.
I always get at least one.
It's very generous like that.
Chris Cubis is also here, you guys.
Hey, little guy.
Yeah.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
Let's back up a second.
Tommy brought for the prize bag
a mug that says
Madison Concourse Hotel.
So that might be from inside one of the rooms.
That's some coffee.
The orange things are the important things.
The orange things are hot hands.
Hot hands.
They are, first of all, non-edible.
But they warm your hands.
Why don't you want to keep them for yourself?
Aren't your hands getting cold during this visit?
Well, to be honest, I bought them for myself
and then remembered I was supposed to bring something.
Oh, okay.
I thought this hotel was so fancy.
They had hand warmers.
Oh, no, those were purchased.
Hand warmers in a mug, you know.
Those were purchased.
Sitting there when you walk in.
That's what I like to call $4 down the drain.
And some
Wolfgang Puck coffee.
Yeah, it's Puck and good
coffee. Yeah.
I swear, writing slogans should be
my thing.
Chris
Cubis, everybody. How's it going, everybody?
Back to Chris.
Yeah. It's good to be here. Chris Cubis everybody How's it going everybody Back to Chris Because Yeah
It's good to be here
He brought
I just noticed
Mark I'm sorry
That is a gorgeous piece of jewelry
You've got
Is that copper
I can't
It's got a weird color to it
It's gold platinum
It's a bracelet
I love this bracelet
I stole it when I was 13 years old Did you blind a guy with it It's gold platinum. It's a bracelet. I love this bracelet.
I stole it when I was 13 years old.
Did you blind a guy with it?
I did not, no.
Don't bring up that shit, dude.
It weighs 37 pounds and it's worth it.
Yeah, you're getting some nice reps in there.
Yep.
Anytime I want, I just fucking curl. Carl You brought a ton of
I brought
A whole stack of
Of DVDs
Of motion
I brought that
Motion pictures
Oh wait
So Mark brought
Transformers Age of Extinction
Yup
That's right
That's fucking right
How many people here
Saw it three times
Yeah You're better people For that That's right. That's fucking right. How many people here saw it three times? Yeah!
You're better people for that.
You,
that you weren't in that group?
What's that?
You didn't see it three times?
Transformers 4?
Yeah.
I watch it every fucking morning
when he's talking about it.
Can I ask a question
about that movie?
Why does that one guy,
the boy,
well,
I'm going to do it anyway.
The boyfriend,
you got an alpha mark.
The boyfriend of his daughter, of Mark Wahlberg's daughter,
why does he have a pedophile get out of jail free card
laminated in his wallet in that movie?
Huh?
Yeah, no, because they started dating when she was underage, right?
Right.
It's called the Romeo and Juliet law.
Okay, so why didn't Michael Bay just make her 18
and then your hero's not a rapist?
I wish the Romeo and Juliet law
meant that everybody in that movie
killed themselves.
We would, but if you've seen Long Survivor,
I can't fucking die.
That is one of the worst spoiler titles
in the history of...
Because I knew
who they were talking about.
They were talking
about you, man.
Of course they fucking were.
Why is Tucci
on the fucking back cover
but no T.J. Miller?
How does Tucci
make the cut?
That was an executive
decision right there.
Okay.
T.J. kept saying
at the end
when we were like,
T.J., here's the...
We decided that we don't
want you in the last
half of the movie.
And he was like,
then I want nothing
to do with the marketing
of this fucking film.
And I said,
all right,
we'll give that to you.
So he's not on the cover.
All right,
there's your story,
BuzzFeed.
And Chris brought,
this is kind of fun
for you, Mark.
What's this?
What do you think these movies have in common?
I'll just name a few movies.
You tell me, Mark, what they have in common.
Righteous Kill, Dead Silence, Dreamcatcher, Saw II.
I didn't see Saw II.
And, of course, Transformers, which you brought.
I shouldn't have that in the...
That just confuses things.
All those other ones, what are they in common?
They sound like movies I turned down.
Oh, shit. They all feature
your brother Donnie!
What?
I feel like...
I feel like...
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Donnie is an underrated talent.
That man is a underrated talent.
That man is a warbler.
Oh my God.
Band of Brothers, killing it.
Blue Bloods.
It's on CBS.
I don't watch it, but... Sixth Sense.
He was great in Sixth Sense.
He almost died doing that movie.
He was good in one movie.
You know what, though?
I'm glad you did that.
Because you buying those movies is like
one more check being sent
to Donnie so he can buy his own lunch.
That's fine with me. Don't the new kids
have big tours and sell out and stuff?
Isn't he making a ton of money? No, he's
just... They kicked him out of the band like
six years ago.
And he's like, well, can I just bring the scarves?
And they were like, sure, Donnie, bring the fucking scarves.
So I think he just helps out. Who's that on stage? Like a lookalike? It's a holog well, can I just bring the scarves? And I'm like, sure, Donnie, bring the fucking scarves. So I think he just helps out.
Who's that on stage? Like a lookalike?
It's a hologram, dude.
Speaking of grams, I also brought some banana grams.
Because they give me these every time I go on At Midnight.
I don't want this thing.
It just feels like Scrabble tiles in a banana.
Never heard of it.
Whoever wins this pumpkin
better fucking eat it.
It's nutritious.
It's got a lot of protein.
I ate three pumpkins this morning.
Like an apple?
You just bite into it?
Yep, you just eat them
like a fucking apple.
And you get to the seeds, and you're just like...
You sound like a typewriter.
Old-timey.
Old-timey typewriter.
What movies have you guys seen lately?
Let's talk about that for a second.
Oh, I saw The Guest.
Oh, I've heard very good things about that.
Oh my god, it's so fucking good. I didn't get a chance to see it at Fantastic Fest, but I hear The Guest. Oh, I've heard very good things about that. Oh my god, it's so fucking good.
I didn't get a chance to see it at Fantastic Fest,
but I hear it is good.
I'm going to say this, I don't want to give anything away,
because people should just go fucking see it.
But it's like if Drive met Halloween.
In the best fucking way you can imagine.
There's not even a joke here,
it's just a good fucking movie.
Only it's got that dude from Downton Abbey
and I was like, you talk funny, motherfucker.
So it's like Jamie Lee Curtis
as a stunt driver?
No.
She just does that slutty dance
from True Lies for ten minutes
in the middle for no reason.
That slutty dance.
Does all dance slutty to you then?
Yeah.
Did you see Footloose?
I can't believe Donnie
was in all those
fucking movies.
Yeah, man.
That man works.
That's like a third
of his IMDB.
That includes television.
I bet he just did it
for the free food.
What have you seen lately, Tommy?
Have you been in the movies?
I've seen some good movies,
but I would like to say
that I saw Lucy
because I thought,
well, Scarlett Johansson
is beautiful.
And what if we only used 10% of our brain? Sure. I thought, well, Scarlett Johansson is beautiful.
And what if we only used
10% of our brain? Sure.
And
first of all, that's not a thing.
Secondly,
secondly,
Americans
will
no one
told me how bad that movie was.
That's how hot she is.
People just
they're like, hey, look at her
for $12.
There's a point where
she can stop people from moving with her
mind. I don't know what percentage
that happens at.
It's up there.
But it is
just a scene of Asian people that happens at. It's up there. But it is just
a scene of Asian people
not moving,
but really wanting to.
And it looks like a comedy sketch.
It was beautifully terrible.
That movie just goes from one weird scene to another,
but it's only 90 minutes long.
Have you seen it?
Yeah.
No, I haven't seen it.
And you...
I didn't know anybody else watched it.
But she's in every frame of that movie
doing all sorts of different...
She's in every frame.
Weird things.
Like, whatever your fetish is...
Except that...
Plus Scarlett Johansson
happens during that movie.
And weird cuts of animals fucking
out of nowhere
for like seven times.
That's what I'm saying.
If your fetish is Scarlett Johansson
plus animals fucking,
then you're really gonna get off. Let's fucking do it. Screen it.
They cut to the animals having sex out of
nowhere and these two teenage girls
behind me lost their shit
laughing and I just wanted to turn around
and be like, I agree with you.
That's hilarious
but I can't laugh. I have a daughter.
She wasn't there but I think it
represents what I laugh about. That movie was the worst thing I've't laugh. I have a daughter. She wasn't there but I think it represents what I laugh about.
That movie was the worst thing
I've ever seen.
And I saw somebody die one time.
I loved it.
It's worse than that.
I loved it.
I mean, it's absolutely
batshit crazy
but I enjoyed it.
I like how at the end
she becomes a USB drive.
For real? I hope I ruined it. I like how at the end she becomes a USB drive. For real?
I hope I ruined it for you.
I saved everyone
$12.50.
I forget who said it
but somebody said Lucy's a prequel to her.
So credit to someone.
I didn't steal it.
Another anonymous quote. Really bad movie. Yeah, yeah. So don't steal it. Another anonymous quote.
Really bad movie.
Yeah, yeah.
So don't go see that, you guys.
I haven't seen Under the Skin,
but apparently it's another odd movie
that's two hours of Scarlett Johansson
and apparently actually naked.
Like in Lucy,
she always had like a wife beater on,
which was funny.
She's naked?
Under the skin.
32 seconds in,
she's dropping it.
Mark, you went in with a stopwatch?
No.
They had a timer up on the fucking screen.
They knew why we were there.
That's a good movie, though.
I actually really like it.
32 seconds in, she's naked.
A minute and a half in,
people are just smoking cigarettes
for no reason.
What's going on here?
It's actually really good.
It's fucking weird,
but it's good.
I gotta see it.
Her skin come off or something?
I don't get the title.
Do you want me to tell you the truth?
Yeah.
I'm not gonna see it.
We'll be talking about it.
Oh, I don't wanna.
I'll stop watching
when her skin comes off.
That's one of my favorite
features of hers.
Fucking totally love her skin.
I go either way on skin.
You go down to the bodies exhibit and jerk off?
We've all got our things, dog.
We've all got our things.
And every one of those things happens
during the 90 minutes of Lucy.
It's less about the skin and more about being able to see muscle.
That's what I really...
Chris, what have you seen lately?
I saw
November Man,
which was a pile of garbage.
There's a point in them,
it's the worst, they just fuck up every spy thing. There's a point where it's the worst. They just fuck up every
spy thing.
There's a moment where she's like, they go buy
train tickets. Use cash, obviously.
You don't use credit cards. She immediately hops
on the internet with a credit card and books two train
tickets. Is that the dude from Donny's Peak?
Yeah, as a matter of fact.
Donny is going to remake that movie.
It's Donny's Peak.
Which was about 15 years ago.
Yeah, according to Mark here.
So she gets on,
she gets caught immediately,
runs away,
ends up getting the best
of the assassin,
knocks her out,
goes back to the same computer
to do the exact same thing again,
like in a loop.
She leaves,
hits the assassin,
goes right back to where
she got caught by an assassin.
In her defense, you get such great deals online.
She probably was a kayak in that shit.
And then I saw
an old movie called The Philadelphia
Story in the 50s
with Cary Grant.
Cary Grant.
James Stewart.
It's crazy how whimsically
they treat domestic violence
in those movies.
That movie opens with like
him grabbing
Catherine Hepburn
by the face
and just throwing her
to the ground.
And then they get a divorce
and then the rest of the movie
her family's like,
you really should get back
with old face mushing guy.
He knows how to treat a lady.
I don't remember it,
but there is a Clint Eastwood movie
where he's the hero and he rapes a woman. That's a real, I don't remember it, but there is a Clint Eastwood movie where he's the hero
and he rapes a woman.
That's a real,
I didn't just make it up,
it sounded uncomfortable
with the crowd reaction.
I wasn't going for the joke,
like he really saves a town
and he raped a woman in a barn.
And they're like,
ah, you know,
but he's a good guy.
Maybe somebody should bring up a comedy at this point
I took it hard left there, I guess
Times have changed
It was that joke in Blazing Saddles
Where the guy's saying about the bad guys
That they raped our cattle
So that's pretty funny where they're the guys saying about the bad guys that they raped our cattle.
So that's pretty funny.
So now as a part of the show,
now that we've talked about November Man more than any people in the world
have ever talked about it.
I don't know,
who's in November Man
before we move on?
Oh, the guy from...
The guy from...
The guy from Thomas Crown Affair.
Pierce Brosnan?
Yeah.
You're hanging out with your family and they won't just
fucking say James Bond or
Remington Steele. They say every other
goddamn movie.
The guy from Mrs.
Thomas Crown Affair was in that.
You know, the guy from Matador.
Come on.
That was in that five-year period
where we were pretending that that woman was hot.
Renee Russo?
She's fucking hot, dude.
Renee Russo?
The guy from Mamma Mia.
The one, the most horrible singer in Mamma Mia.
Is he growing a beard for No Shake It Remember the whole time?
He's trying to go like Liam Neeson.
He's trying to be
a tough guy,
but he's just now
still like a pansy Brit.
He doesn't have
like the tough
I'm going to headbutt you Brit.
He has like the
fucking weak chinned Brit.
It's just not frightening.
I couldn't see him
punching a wolf.
I saw Liam Neeson
punch a wolf
and I was like,
I buy it.
I buy it.
The spoilers
are flying tonight.
Mark, why didn't they have...
Because the poster for The Grey made it sound about
a guy fighting wolves, and there's a lot
of shit before they get to the wolves.
Great fucking movie, though.
Did you see A Walk in the Tombstones?
No.
What's that?
That's the new Liam Neeson.
Is that just like another Is that just like another
It's built to be driven
It's a walk among the tombstones
Right?
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah it's just another thing
Of him tracking people down
And punching them in the throat
No it's just two hours
Of him trying to find
His aunt's tombstone
It's just two hours
Of him eating
A tombstone pizza
It's a remake
Of the Seinfeld episode
Where they couldn't
Find the car.
I'm in.
I heard that was really bad.
He gets really angry.
Critics gave it, I think it's
certified fresh or whatever,
but it hasn't done well at the box office.
I think people are just now, they're just all waiting
for Taken 3.
My friend,
spoiler alert, because he spoiled it for me
oh I really thought
you were saying
you have a friend
named spoiler alert
I would want to hang out
with that guy
he's so terrible
he's a drug dealer
he ruined Lost
he said don't see it
because at one point
Liam Neeson is crawling
on all fours
and tases the guy
in the balls
he said don't see it because of that.
I'd say see it because of that.
Yeah, that sounds like a good reason to go,
but maybe because he's saying that
it's sad that Liam Neeson has
resorted to that. He said
it's not the
ideal finishing move
for a strong character to
be crawling like a baby and then
tasing the guy in the balls. It seems like a comedy thing. Can I tell you for a strong character to be crawling like a baby and then tasing the guy at the balls. It seems like a comedy thing.
Can I tell you for a second about the new Keanu Reeves film?
This is not an ad.
It's called John Wick,
and it's got the most hand-to-hand gun punching
I've ever seen in a movie.
He's either punching someone with a gun
or shooting them in the face with a gun,
and they flip all over each other,
and the amazing choreography, the movie is directed
by two of the stunt doubles for Keanu
in the Matrix films.
I really dig
it. I highly recommend it.
It's called John Wick and I think it comes out...
What's the release date, Mark?
It's November 17th. That's it.
I don't know. I have no fucking clue.
Wrong month and that's probably not even a Friday.
So
this is the part of the show
where I say, let the games begin!
Let's do it.
Take control, Madison,
of your $10
weed citations.
Probably raising a lot of money
for the city that way.
So, yeah, guys, go ahead and pick a name tag
of who you'd like to play for.
While you do that, we're going to do this.
We'll be right back.
And we're back.
Look at these name tags.
What an amazing set of options you guys had.
Nobody picked the huge ones, though.
Usually there's a few big ones out there.
I didn't feel like holding it. You guys went
more subtle. Oh, that's good.
Mine has my face on it. I'm just an egomaniac.
Prop in front of you. Okay, so Chris, we'll
start with you. What's your name tag?
It's Harry Charles
Loomer Young in Blood Out.
It is a very, very
weak pun on Blood
in Blood Out. It's a fucking stretch
dude. But
it's got my face on it and Doug's face and I guess his face weak pun on Blood In Blood Out. It's a fucking stretch, dude. But...
But it's got my face on it and Doug's face
and I guess his face? I'm not sure why
he... Is that you?
Me? Yeah, and then him.
I thought it was from a distance. I thought it was Kumail.
But no, it's that guy.
No, he's very white. Oh, okay.
I mean, the lighting.
You know what I mean?
Tommy, what do you got?
I have Jason Barr Presents Barr to the Future.
That's a very nice job of photoshoppery.
He did a great job, and he was holding it at the point I got tired of looking.
And I grabbed it because it was in front of me.
You were sitting right in the front row. I love it. That's in front of me. Oh. So.
Sitting right in the front row.
I love it.
That's the amount of effort you put in.
But that is a nice one.
And you're also a fan
of that movie, obviously.
Obviously.
Yes.
It was my favorite movie
Who doesn't like,
if you don't like
Back to the Future,
just shout out.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Even the guy that's dying
for an opportunity to shout out
had to sit there quietly.
He was like, nope.
Nope.
We're not going to fucking fuck with Back to the Future, man.
Not crossing that line.
My mother used to say that a movie is racist
because it steals credit for inventing rock and roll
from Chuck Berry and gives it to white Michael J. Fox.
She's kind of a crazy person.
But also accurate.
Yeah.
But to be fair, white people invented rock and roll.
What do you have?
Yeah, for sure.
The way they invented America
and they invented
just things they steal.
Emails.
Just so lucky to be white.
Miracle whip.
Yeah, dude, no offense,
but you wouldn't make it.
No.
You would not make it.
I'm barely making it
as a white guy from the Midwest.
Do you realize
how that's the easiest thing ever?
And I can barely do that.
I love being white.
People wave at you.
You think that's why people are waving at you?
You can go to a Starbucks and not even be in line
and some girl named Amber will be like,
did you need anything?
These black people are in line, but did you
need anything?
I'm like, no, wait on them, but thank you.
You're also a movie star.
Such a sweet guy. Not debatable.
Can I see yours?
What do you got for name tag, buddy? Look at this, dude.
Mark Wahlberg picked
one with my face on it next to
our good friend
Kristen Bell, who's been on
the program. I love the face is wonderfully
photoshopped, but he didn't change the name, which seems easier.
Oh, you mean put Doug Benson instead of Josh Duhamel?
Yeah.
Which is, you know, everybody's thinking that.
But her name is Gwen, and it's Gwen in Rome.
I like that.
And it's on a stick.
Yeah, it's a back scratcher.
Back scratcher, back scratcher.
Can I, may I?
Yeah.
Can I scratch my back with it?
Get into it.
God damn.
It works, right?
That's nice.
Mark pays people to scratch his back.
I do.
Or Donnie.
Yeah, well, yeah.
I put it on his tab.
All right, so let's play some games,
starting with a little something
that I like to call Build a Title.
We haven't played that in a while.
All right, let's do it.
There's obvious semi-enthusiasm for it.
It's, of course, what I did at the beginning of the show
when I was rambling on and on,
listing off all those movies.
I don't know if you guys heard it, but it
goes like this.
But you know what I mean. We'll start
with a title and it's
Wolf of Wall Street, Fight, Terminator
2, Judgment Day of the Dead, etc.
And I want to do it with
a Mark Wahlberg title
of course, since he's here.
So we'll
since it's been the longest since Tommy's played this
and maybe has never
played it before
we'll let him go third
so we'll start with
Chris Cubis
and then go to Mark
and then to Tommy
and the movie we're
building on
is we need to
build on
I Heart Huckabees
and I had to think
on this one for a second
but I came up with
some titles on either end, so I said
let's go for it. Strangely enough,
a lot of Mark Wahlberg titles, you can't
really, aren't good for build a title.
Which is, that means
they're singular sensations.
Oh, you mean like Invincible?
Yeah, that'd be a hard one, because
what movies start with a bull?
That's a good point.
If there's a movie called A Bull in the China Shop, bam.
All right,
Chris. Unstoppable.
I know.
See how that doesn't work? I would have lost on that.
Yeah, you're going to lose on this, I bet.
Chris,
what do you got?
Whiffnail and I, Hart Huckabee.
Yes!
It's a movie that four people saw.
What did you say?
With Nail and I, remember that?
With Nail and I, great movie.
Rupert, not Rupert, Grant.
What's his first name?
You.
Richard.
No, Richard.
You.
He wasn't in Withnail and I.
Yeah, it was Richard E. Grant, I believe he goes by.
The one I thought of was you could go Red Eye Hard Huckabees,
but you went with Withnail and I Hard Huckabees.
So now, Mark, you need something that begins with Huckabees
or ends with
With. Does any title
end with With?
That might be a dead end. With Nail and I
Heart Huckabee Season.
Bee Season. Yes.
Yes. That's correct.
Thank you.
See what happens when you blow
people's minds? They don't even know what to do.
What I thought of was I Heart Huckabee's Master.
Oh, that's a good one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But all right, so we've got I Heart Huckabee's Season.
Bee Season.
So, Tommy, can you think of anything that begins with season?
Or like Winter's Bone?
Or... That would be a movie yes it begins with the season
i just saw a film called spring at fantastic fest it was good uh no uh or sun you could do
the movie that begins with sun there's lots of movies begin with oh you know it's how it sounds Not how it's spelled
So anything that begins with sun
Son-in-law
There you go
Bam
Now we're
We're back to Chris
And he's got a movie
That begins with law
Or ends with whiff nail
So whiff nail
And I heart huckabee
Season Season son-in-law Less Lawless Whiffnail. So Whiffnail and I heart Huckabee season
season in law
less. Lawless.
Yeah. Shia
baby. Yeah. How do you feel
about Shia LaBeouf?
I mean he tries hard.
Did you hear what he fucking did? To be annoying.
No shit. No. He's not even trying.
Did you hear about what he did to the movie? To be annoying. Yeah, no shit, no. He's not even trying. Did you hear about what he did for Fury?
He fucking took all these teeth out
for that movie that's coming out.
What?
Yeah, but he got them put back in after.
I don't know, dude.
It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Yeah, he just ripped them off.
He's just super committed to...
There's a lot of people doing meth
to get ready for roles in Fury.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay, movie that begins with less.
Or ends with with?
Yeah.
Oh.
Oof.
Oof.
Less.
Less.
Less.
What was the quote?
Is law less?
Law less, yes.
Law less, yes. Lawless.
Less.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah.
With nail and eye.
With nail and eye, Huckabee season of, in law.
Son-in-law.
Less than zero.
Yes.
Don't fuck around with me. Less than zero yes don't fuck around with me
less than zero
don't fuck around
with me
alright so
this next one
is going to begin
with zero
okay
or ero
or ro
or
oh
zero dark 30 do I have to say the whole title yeah yeah no you don't have to say the whole title again we got other things Zero Dark Thirty.
Do I have to say the whole title?
Yeah, yeah.
No, you don't have to say the whole title again.
We've got other things to do today.
All right, so now we're back to you, Chris, with Thirty.
This is a great one.
Thirteen America World Police.
Wow.
Yeah.
How about that?
I stuck that one in.
Have you heard this before?
Yeah, once or twice.
So police, Mark.
With nail and eye heart,
Huckabee sees son-in-law
less than zero,
dark,
30... 13. less than zero dark 30 13
America World Police Academy
5
full title
oh for real
oh
oh snap Oh, for real? Oh, mother... Oh, snap.
I will amend my answer.
You could just drop the five, I guess.
Yeah, I'll drop the five.
All right.
Is it like back at it again?
Or is it Police Academy five, oops?
Do you know him?
No, I don't know what it is.
Miami Beach is number five?
Do you really feel proud yelling that out?
No, look, he's leaving.
No, dude, it's not that bad.
All right, so now we got Academy
is the last word in this, Chris.
Or wait, Tom. Sorry, Tommy.
Police academy,
myself, and Irene.
Yes!
Let me just check the time really quick,
because if you guys can do this until 6pm,
then it'll be a draw,
and the three winners will
have to all run up here and scavenge through
the bag. Fuck yeah, dude.
Fight it out.
We just break a pool cue in half.
Aw, what?
Alright, me, myself, and
Irene. Irene.
Irene. Yeah. Or you have
with. There is no with.
With is still hanging out
yeah I think it's going to be there by itself for a while
yeah
me myself and I
re-ne-my-ne-mo I'm guessing
this is a movie
for like kids or something
it's got like a stuffed dog in it
Graham elbowing my way through this
answer
I'm sorry Chris you're out Graham outputting my way through this answer.
I'm sorry, Chris, you're out.
Mark, what do you got?
All right.
Right when I thought this was going to go on forever,
it was a pretty good stopper.
I can't think of one.
Reen.
Een. Reen. Een.
Reen. Are you ready?
Reen Animator.
Go.
The best of Christian Chenoweth, Nell and I.
Okay, you're out.
The best of Christian Chenoweth.
That's a real fucking thing.
It's not with.
I mean, it's with, not with.
All right, fair enough.
And that's, I don't even know if that's a thing,
and it would certainly not be a major motion picture.
Tommy, you got anything to add to this?
You're the last one to correctly add something,
so you are the winner, regardless.
But if you came up with something,
I bet you most of these people would be on their feet.
Followed by this gentleman
about ten seconds later.
I'm gonna give it a think.
Give it a good think.
I don't think so.
I'm done.
I don't have one.
He's sleeping now. Okay, so. I'm done. I don't have one. He's sleeping now.
Okay, so you're our winner.
Tommy Johnigan, everybody.
With Dale and I, Hardhuckabee,
sees son-in-law, less than zero,
dark 30, 30,
what was that next one?
Team America.
Throws everybody off.
Team America, World Police.
I'm going to get some people
quibbling with that one.
Academy, myself and Irene.
Reno 911.
The movie.
Reno 911.
Oh, damn it.
The movie.
Son of a bitch.
What's the full title?
Escort that man from the premises.
He sewed us up.
All hecklings should just be agreeing.
No, but we all agree that would have been the perfect title.
Yeah, yeah, to say right there.
And then after that, I'd add movie to movie.
I would add movie, movie.
Because there was a movie called Movie Movie.
Then you could just
keep doing that over and over again until you're dead.
Let's play
Last Man Stanton.
Let's do it.
Can I get a vodka tonic on stage?
And a Miller Lite.
Just put them all in one glass and bring them
on up.
Two straws, please. We're going to do this
lady in the tramp style
A pickle with a spear on it
The dude that yelled out Reno 9-11
Which you shouldn't yell out in a crowded room
What's your name?
Ted
Ted, alright
Ted, could you pick for us Somebody to play with, as it were, for Last Man's Ten?
Let me quickly describe the game to everybody in case somebody doesn't know how to play.
Tommy.
We basically get the name of an actor, actress, or a film director who has a large body of work,
and then we take turns naming movies.
I'll play two.
Naming movies from that person
or that person was involved with
until, if you can't think of one, you're out.
Okay.
And it's harder than it looks.
All right, so that narrows down
who you can pick a little bit.
And we will,
who won that?
So Tommy won that last thing.
Yeah.
And then who came
closest to him,
Mark?
All right.
So we'll go Tommy,
Mark, Doug, Chris
on this.
And who would you
like us to use
in Last Man Standing?
Ted?
Martin Scorsese.
Martin Scorsese.
You son of a bitch.
Not only has that been done before
it is extremely difficult
it's very difficult
do you guys remember
hearing it on the show before
yes
alright
she's been surrounded
listen
I'm talking
this is Ted Talks
right now
ever since his name was Ted,
I was dying to figure out
a way to say that.
You fucking nailed it, Todd.
I'm a professional
killing it, yeah.
I thought it was the bear
from that movie with you.
What's that?
That fucking bear.
Fuck that bear.
You guys don't talk anymore? No, I don't know if I've said this before, but the whole fucking movie. Fuck that bear. You guys don't talk anymore?
No, I don't know if I've said this before,
but the whole fucking movie,
that goddamn bear doesn't say a fucking word to me.
And then in post,
all of a sudden he won't shut the fuck up.
Fucking fuck that bear.
Hoity ass prick.
All right, you've had some time to think, Ted.
What's your
what's your second strike
I love how he says
uh every time
I love that this
like you could just
you've had time
maybe other people
at your table
have made suggestions
Helena Bottom Carter
Helena Bottom Carter
get the fuck out of here
does anybody here think they can name more than two Helena Bottom Helena Bonham Carter. Get the fuck out of here.
Does anybody here think they can name more than two
Helena Bonham Carter movies?
Okay, maybe three,
but shut the fuck up.
Chris, what do you got?
Helena Bonham Carter.
Fight Club,
and then maybe one other
in a mouth.
Yeah, yeah.
Fight Club.
Or a bunch of...
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Planet of the Apes,
you idiot.
I didn't say...
I said two. I said two, and it was fucking Sweeney Todd. Planet of the Apes, you idiot. I didn't say... I said two.
I said two, and it was fucking Sweeney Todd
and Planet of the Apes.
We're going to need the full title of Sweeney Todd.
Oh, my God. The Demon of Barber Street
or whatever the fuck it is.
I wish it was called or whatever the fuck it is.
All right, he's got two strikes.
Then we're going to open it up to the floor.
Susan Sarandon and Edward Norton
will get their day, sir.
Ted gets one more try.
I want Ted to succeed at this so bad.
Just think of one of the biggest movie stars
or directors you could possibly think of,
not the one that's married to the director.
Let Ted have the floor.
Stop fucking Donnie-ing it over there with you guys.
Do you mean providing reliable,
dramatic performances in several films?
Like that one?
You know what?
I'm going to give you one.
All right, so Ted's had a little time to think.
And I think it's adorable that I keep seeing little vapor pens lighting up in the room. Yeah, vape, vape, vape, vape, vape, vape.
Everybody's fucking vaping. Meanwhile, I can see Ted googling
big movie stars.
Don't give him any ideas, Mark.
What do you got, Ted?
Antonio Banderas.
Alright, I'll take it.
Antonio fucking Banderas?
We can do that.
Here we go. We got this, we got it. Antonio fucking Banderas? We can do that. Here we go.
We got this.
We got this.
Antonio Banderas.
It's like the only movies he watches are on Encore.
That's good, right?
Fucking Helen Bonham Carter?
That's good.
Love that Helen Bonham Carter.
Okay, so Tommy gets
first blood.
What's a movie
featuring Antonio
Banderas?
Shrek.
Yes.
Mark?
Shrek 2.
I mean, if we're gonna do it it let's get it out of the fucking way
is that the full title?
yes
that's the full title right?
yes
alright cause one of the other ones
has a subtitle
I'm not even gonna go
into those weeds
I'm gonna avoid that entirely
and just say
Boots and Boots
The Expendables 3.
That movie was terrible,
but he was pretty good.
Desperado.
Yes.
Desperado.
Antonio Banderas.
This guy I just thought of one.
I keep thinking of movies
that Ted was in
What's happening right now?
I'm trying to think of the fifth Antonio Banderas movie,
or fourth, or whatever it is.
He's made a lot of movies, dude.
I know.
I keep thinking of them.
But then I forget them right away.
It's tough.
Do you give up?
Do you want to just make smoochy sounds?
Fuck, man.
Antonio Banderas.
I think I thought of another one.
I keep thinking of parts of titles.
Really? Yeah.
He's got a lot of very vague titles.
Oh, god damn it. Really? Yeah. He's got a lot of very vague titles.
Oh, god damn it.
I know it wasn't in this, but I can't think of what it's called, so fuck it.
I'll just sit back and make fun of people for the rest of the game.
Fuck it.
Oh, that's interesting.
He was in a movie called Screw It.
Was he really?
We were so close.
No, um... Was it called Damascus Zorro?
Yes!
Okay, Damascus Zorro.
It's not a kiss!
What are you doing?
Hey!
Fuck out.
Ted, show her out.
And then stay with her.
Make sure she gets home safe.
That woman maxed out on the amount of time
it could not be about her.
It just had to yell.
It's hard because, you know,
people are drinking and stuff.
Fair enough.
So can we say Spy Kids now?
No.
It's off the table.
You can say Play It to the Bone.
Woody Harrelson, Antonio Banderas,
Boxing, Terrible Garbage.
Oh, shit!
Yeah, Ron Shelton.
I watch Encore too, motherfucker.
Wow.
Yeah, Ron Shelton.
Ron Shelton directed that.
After the show, I'm going to give you 72 cents
so you can get Cinemax.
Although the nick is on that
and it's a good fucking show.
Once Upon a Time in Mexico.
Yes.
Ah, Antonio. That's interesting. Ah, Antonio.
That's interesting.
Ah, Antonio.
Can you imagine how crazy he's going to go
when he listens to this?
Come on, guys.
He might know a few more.
The game is called Last Man Stanton
because when we played with Harry Dean Stanton,
he won.
But he could only think of four or five
out of the 200 that he was in.
But it was enough to win.
For Antonio, I'm going to go with...
Yeah, good call.
Leaving right now.
I'm going to be honest honest shit's getting too tense
no I'm contemplating getting a workout in while we do this
I'm just gonna guess the title of it
because I'm not sure exactly but
we haven't spoken of the third
in the Shrek series
which I'm guessing is called
I think it's called
Shrek Forever After?
Is that right?
Everybody's sad that they know it.
I was going to say.
Isn't it Shrek the Third?
I think it's Shrek the Third.
Let's Shrek with Leonard
and see what he calls it.
That's why I was hesitant.
I think Forever After is the fourth one.
Maybe, yeah. Forever Ever After makes sense.
I fucked up.
But I still want to see it for my own eyeballs.
Just for that edification.
I hope this works down here.
But since you're out, can I go ahead and say The 13th Warrior?
Yeah, Shrek.
Yeah, you can.
Shrek the third
and then Shrek Forever After, so I completely
fucked that up, but that knocks both of those
out. So, uh, what
was that one you just said? 13th Warrior.
You didn't name the movie, right? You said Shrek 3.
No, you said Shrek Forever After, right?
That's a movie. No, he said
Shrek 3. He said, well, go ahead and say the third.
Forever After. I said it. I thought it was the
third one. You guys are acting like there's money on this.
But then I said...
I hate losing anything.
You know what? Other than these games,
I don't ever
fucking lose.
I did say Shrek Forever After. I'm still in.
You were right?
Yeah, I was right. It wasn't
the third one, but it was an absolutely
correct title. I didn't throw in
any extra business. We call that the
fun...
Oh, that's an interesting
question.
Is he even in it?
Where would Puss in Boots
be?
Yeah, he's in it? Where would Puss in Boots be? But either way...
Yeah, he's in it.
I really had to look, though,
because I'm no Shrexpert.
That was great.
You, like, said it, and then you changed it.
I mean, maybe there was a National Lampoons before it.
Who fucking knows?
We call that the Funches exemption.
Is this...
It's Tommy's turn, right?
Yes, sir.
Anything? I think I'm running out.
He was just in something I saw recently
where he was like a hippie...
He was in a hippie commune.
He was all friendly to everybody
and had a bunch of actors
in the scene. Keep going.
I can't think of what it was.
Everybody's
murmuring.
Oh, I think I have one. Is there a Spy Kids 2?
I don't know. I'm not sure. Yeah, for sure. Is there a Spy Kids 2? I don't know.
I'm not sure.
Yeah, for sure.
Is it just Spy Kids 2?
Whoa.
Whoa.
Do you know we're playing a game up here?
I think people just think we're all just sitting around chatting and four of us are assholes
with microphones.
I feel like they lean over to the front.
It was the weirdest party.
Those guys in the corner had microphones the whole time.
I know.
And they like lean over to the front and were like, hey, I want to yell something corner had microphones the whole time. And they like leaned over to their friend
and were like,
hey, I want to yell
something out,
but I can't remember.
After the other nine
people yelled out,
did they say anything
after they did that?
I'm not coming back
to Hemp Festival next year.
This is the worst
Hemp Festival
I've ever been to.
Four guys loudly
playing trivia.
I'm thinking
Wait, so what did you say?
I think you did it, right?
I didn't get
I said Spike and Stu
and then
Oh, there's a subtitle
So stay back
Stay back from that one
Good idea to step away from that one
You know he did a romantic comedy, right?
He had to
Oh, sure he did
Yeah
I'm having trouble thinking of the one
where he taught kids how to dance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pretty sure it had the word lean in it.
Oh, wait.
No.
Oh.
No.
See, this is why I got out early.
Shit.
Anything, Tommy?
We got to move on.
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm out.
You're out.
Mark was already out, right?
Yes, sir. I bailed on this game way early.
I wanna say...
Lean on me?
No, no.
Okay, don't say what it's really called, so I'm out.
No, it's called No, No, No.
It's fucking yelling shit out.
Antonio Banderas.
No, no, no.
No, no, no. It's a fucking yelling shit out. Antonio Banderas. No, no, no. No, no, no.
You can't spell Antonio without no.
Chris, you want to take this home with one more?
I'm going to say Spy Kids 3D.
I bet you that had a dumb subtitle on it too
But I'm going to give you the win anyway
Four rooms that guy's yelling out
That is an obvious one
I don't know if that guy was yelling at us
Or just trying to get somebody's attention outside
Maybe it's just a guy who just came into town
And he's trying to look for lodging for his family.
He doesn't have good services on the phone with a realtor.
Or we're making fun of him and that was the beginning of him having Bell's palsy.
I don't think it makes you suddenly yell out like that.
Oh, then never mind.
I don't think.
Could be wrong.
Oh boy, Leonard is just...
You put in Spy Kids
and it just says
no results
I love that
he is
he is just
oh it's
I'm sorry
I wrote Soy Kids
it's a great movie
it's just
it's just little kids
with breast cancer
I would love to stumble
on something called
Soy Kids
yeah
well in the 70s they made a cartoon out of Soylent Green,
and it was on Saturday afternoons on Soy Kids.
Yeah, there's more.
Do you want to guess what it is?
Spy Kids 3D?
There's more to it.
I don't know.
Do you know another one?
It's called Spy Kids 3D Four Rooms.
It's a...
No.
No.
That's why he had
to yell out.
No, it's called
Game Over.
Game Over.
But then it was not over.
Was it?
That's crazy.
It was not over
because then they made
another one called
Spy Kids,
but they dropped
the number.
I love when they drop
the number like people
are going to lose count.
Fast and Furious.
Was he in Shark Boy
and Lava Girls?
No, but Spy Kids All the Time in the World
was the next one, yeah.
I don't know.
Just the Quantum of Solitude?
Oh, Antonio Banderas probably wasn't in that one.
Fuck no.
No, he wasn't.
They had the voice of Ricky Gervais, though.
Was he in Desperado 2?
That's not a thing.
Who are we talking about now?
Nothing. All right, so who won Who are we talking about now? Nothing.
All right, so who won that game?
Chris?
I guess nobody?
I don't know.
You were the last one to get one right, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you win.
What was the one with the sin in the title?
Original Sin.
Original Sin.
That's totally a Showtime movie.
Was there a romantic comedy?
Huh?
Yeah, what's a romantic comedy?
Take the lead. Assassin's. Take the lead what's a romantic comedy? Take the lead.
Assassin.
Take the lead.
Assassins.
Yeah, take the lead.
That's pretty romantic.
That was a little good.
Who's the vampire?
Evita.
Evita.
Interview with a vampire
was where we first noticed him, I guess.
Evita, Machete Kills.
Was he in Philadelphia?
I feel like he had AIDS.
Yes.
Philadelphia.
Yeah.
Is that the one with the dude from the Burbs?
Yeah.
That's where AIDS comes to the Burbs.
All the neighbors are fucking clopex.
He wasn't in Shrek 1.
What?
He wasn't in Shrek. That's right.
Oh my God.
All right, start it over. Ted, let's go.
Oh no. Ted, you's go. Oh no.
Ted.
You want to give us
another one, Ted?
Ted's like,
who started with Shrek?
You?
No, me.
Oh, Tommy didn't win anyway,
so it doesn't matter.
Oh wait, no,
I think Ted just yelled out
Joan Allen.
All right.
I think Ted just yelled out Joan Allen.
All right.
Sadly, I know nine Joan Allen names.
The Crucible.
The Contender.
Death Race.
Do Lily Taylor.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Jesus Christ.
Do Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.
All right, we got to move on.
We got to play the Leonard Maltin game.
Gwen?
Gwen, I'm about to change your fucking life,
and if we win, we get to have sex twice.
Same thing with you, Charlie, or whoever your name is.
You got to get back. Yeah, Mark will fuck whoever the winning badge holder is.
Oh my God.
Twice.
Twice.
Because he gets the job done.
Yep.
We're gonna get done and I'll be like, you ready for the sequel?
That'd be a fun thing when you're feeding your kids to have a spoonful of something and say,
here, you ready?
Here comes the sequel.
Oh, that is a good fucking...
If I ever spend time with my kids,
I'm gonna do that.
I've read you were a great father
in the rags.
I am actually
a really, really good fucking dad.
You're very Catholic, right?
Yeah.
We did the ice bucket challenge.
I just fucking filled
their buckets with vinegar.
Oh, my God.
Hilarious.
They cried and cried and I laughed and laughed.
I told them, I'm like, alright, if you don't want to donate $100, you're getting fucking ice vinegared.
So we'll start with Chris.
Which order were we going last time?
Were you after Chris or before Chris?
I think I was second.
Alright.
We'll go to Mark and then to
Tommy.
We change the order every time, Tommy,
so try not to be too confused.
Name it.
But Chris gets to pick a category
between Werner Herzog's top five films of all time. name it but Chris gets to pick a category between
Werner Herzog's top 5 films of all time
not the top 5 Werner Herzog films of all time
his favorite
he did an interview on the internet
and I saw it and someone pointed it out to me
and he listed top 5
Smurfs 2
the game isn't to just start listing them off.
That's just one of the options for category.
It's the one you're not going to pick.
Right.
Or at Jake Internet suggested
Da Gloves Movies.
DA Gloves Movies.
Da Gloves Movies.
Da Gloves Movies.
Da Gloves Movies. Wow. And these are movies with boxing in them.
Doug loves. Doug loves. And at Rory Scovel suggested, Rory Usel, she had a really weird,
I think it's her name backwards or something She or he suggested
Infinite Rest
And that of course is
Films where someone is in a coma
I think we're going to go
The Gloves movies
Boxing movies
Chris Cubis, would you like a boxing movie from 79 or 80?
Well
80 1980 is the year Chris Cubis, would you like a boxing movie from 79 or 80? Well, 80.
All right.
1980 is the year.
Leonard Maltin gives this movie four stars.
He says it is not a false note in characterization in this movie.
And he says it won some Academy Awards.
And he lists. I feel like I'm being tricked.
He lists seven names.
How many names do you think you can get in Chris Cubis?
Fuck.
I feel like it's really obvious, but I'm wrong.
But I'm just going to go for it and say fucking zero names.
He says zero names, Mark Wahlberg.
Negative one.
Mark says negative one.
Tommy, have you had to deal with this before in this game?
Yeah, I know exactly.
I'm going to go, I need all seven.
Now how do we...
You do know what to do.
No, I think, I'm pretty sure you're in a position
where you just have to hope that Mark is going to be wrong
and tell him that he's got to
name it.
Yeah, you name it.
How many negative did you go?
He goes negative one.
Yeah, so if you go negative two, Tommy, you'd have to name the movie
and the top two billboards.
No, I'm just going to say for him to name it and give a name.
Okay, so let's hear them both and I'll tell you
if you're right or wrong.
Ready?
Yes.
Take your shirt off, Gwen.
Here we go.
I don't know.
I don't like that.
Please don't talk to a lady like that.
All right.
Keep it on.
I'm sorry.
All right, here we go.
Keep your shirt on, Gwen.
Keep your shirt on, Gwen.
Stop with your faces.
Okay, here we go.
Raging Bull, Robert De Niro.
Correct.
Boom!
I thought it was... Yeah, Rocky II was the...
Yeah, it was 70...
It was 79. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes... Yeah, it was 79. It was 79.
Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes.
So good job there, Mark.
Thank you, sir.
That's probably the best boxing movie of all time,
wouldn't you say?
Oh, are you fucking kidding me right now?
Yeah, have you seen The Great White Hype?
It's fantastic.
I'm a fan of Diggstown. That's one of my favorite boxing movies. I actually genuinely really of Diggstown
That's one of my favorite
I actually genuinely really like Diggstown
Yeah Diggstown
Snake Eyes has some boxing in it
Are you sure dude seriously
Greatest fucking boxing movie of all time
That Christian Bale shouldn't have won an academy award for
Is The Fighter motherfucker
Head body head body head body
What about you when's it my fucking time
Not you not you not you's it my fucking time? Not you, not you, not you, but me
My fucking time
The fighter
Are we doing lines?
Unofficially we were, and that also someday
Will be my Academy Awards speech
Fuck you, fuck you, it's my fucking time
It's my fucking time
Gwen?
Alright, well you've got
You've got one point
Unless you're offended
In which case I apologize
Take your shirt off
Oh, Gwenny
Oh, Gwynethie. Oh, Gwyneth.
All right, so since Tommy challenged Mark,
we're going to start with Chris and then go to Tommy.
And Chris gets to pick again.
Between celebrating a birthday today,
the great Christoph Waltz.
Guy knocks it out of the park every time.
Oh, and also he passed away earlier today.
I forgot to mention that.
Really?
Good fucking riddance.
It was just such a...
It was such an applause as if he was here or dead.
But anyway, the films are great.
Christoph Waltz.
And then the Ben Affleck,
Affleck, like the insurance thing, suggested The Skeleton Twins.
And that, of course, is the films of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen.
And someone who calls themselves on Twitter The Eye Collector.
So they should probably be put on some sort of list.
Spelled like I?
Spelled like I or the letter I?
E-Y-E
collector
suggested R, Go Fuck Yourself
and that's
R rated movies that Leonard gave
two stars or less
I apologize
movies that begin with the letter R
that Leonard gave two stars or less
because when I saw the category I was like oh that could be either of those
and I decided to say the wrong one
out loud
so it begins with the letter R
but got two stars or less
which one of those do you like?
R go fuck yourself
which category would you like though?
one and a half stars from Leonard for this movie.
It begins with the letter R and got
less than two stars.
The year is 2008.
And this movie was 2008.
Let's see. He says that
the lead
performer in this movie co-scripted it.
And he also says that
it is unintentionally laughable.
Did you do a movie in 08, Mark?
Hmm.
Not to begin with the letter R.
And he lists
eight names.
How many can you get in, Chris?
You're taking all eight. Tommy, How many can you get in, Chris?
You're taking all eight.
Tommy, how many do you want?
Six.
Nice jump.
Wahlberg.
Name it.
Wahlberg.
Did you ever have a teacher that would yell at you like that?
Wahlberg. No, I never went to school.
Oh, that explains a lot.
I remember being 11 years old
and being like,
God, I'm fucking ripped.
I think I'm going to go be
a fucking rap star
and then a movie star
and then a producer
with the old ugly dude
from Con Air
and Boardwalk Empire.
And it all fucking happened. The old ugly dude from Con Air in Boardwalk Empire. And it all fucking happened.
The old ugly dude from Con Air?
Yeah, he's in Boardwalk Empire.
Yeah, he is.
He plays Noogles.
Noogles.
What is his fucking name?
I've never seen the show.
Nucky Nucks.
Steve Buscemi.
Okay, go ahead.
What's your bid?
He said name it.
Who did?
I did.
He gets six names?
Yeah.
All right.
See, the jump paid off.
Okay, begins with the letter R.
2008, one and a half stars from Leonard.
The lead actor co-scripted.
And what was the other thing that I said?
Oh, unintentionally laughable.
And your six names are Ken Howard, Paul Schultz,
Jake Labatz.
You know, the great Jake Labatz.
I'm feeling pretty good so far.
He's brothers of Vinny Boom.
Ray Gallegos.
Graham McTavish.
What?
Yeah, this is rough.
And Matthew Marsden.
Yeah, a lot of what's going through the room.
You know what this makes me think of when you say those names?
What's that?
Go ahead and take your pants off.
Unless you're offended, in which case leave all your clothes on.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
You could just take a stab at it.
It begins with the letter R and is unintentionally laughable.
08?
I got six names
and I think they're
unintentionally not famous.
Enough for me to know.
Sometimes the two names would really give it away.
Those top two.
Yeah, I should have went seven.
I should have went seven and then let you watch
have me watch it and then try to name it.
It's true.
Once you've seen the whole thing, might not remember that's why some movies are
really uh generously put their name of the movie again at the very end of the time yeah uh
because i often forget by the time all the titles have ruled
i'll get you like 15 minutes later oh yeah that was that was Twilight Saga Breaking Dog Part 2. I can't even think of an R
name movie.
It's the name.
Just think of a movie that begins with the letter R
that's pretty known.
I don't try to pick obscure movies.
Just name a movie that begins with the letter R
and we might be home free.
Or say what millions of other people
have said. Mark, you win.
Life has pretty much told you that.
Rough Riders.
What?
Are you just, like, naming DMX songs?
I love you.
I love you guys.
I think there was a motorcycle movie that had that name.
I love that you're so disgusted by his guess.
Don't, audience, don't yell out yet,
but Mark,
do you have an idea
what it might be?
This is a tough one.
Or Chris.
Any idea?
Yeah, I got it.
If you had to guess
an R movie,
what would you guess?
That's unintentionally laughable.
Righteous Kill
starring Donnie Wahlberg
and a couple other guys
who were the De Niro
Pacino and De Niro I think
anything Mark
no I can't think of
alright now what if I told you
again audience don't jump in
what if I told you the seventh name was
Julie Benz
of Mercedes Benz
I don't know her whole heritage.
I just know that she was murdered by John Lithgow.
On Dexter.
Spoiler!
I was on season two, you fuck!
Dude, that's pretty good, bro.
Huh?
That was really fucking good.
Who was I trying to do? Lithgow. Oh, really?
Yeah.
Why would he be on season two and be mad that it got
spoiled that he was the killer? I don't know.
I just thought it was a really good Lithgow.
Yeah, Julie Benz
was the female lead because none of these
names matter. Will the next one give it away?
This was a one-man show,
and that man is named Sylvester Stallone.
And the film, of course,
was when he went back to Rambo movies
and just called it Rambo.
Yeah, just straight up Rambo.
Yeah.
But that means that Mark Wahlberg
is indeed our winner.
Take your panties off.
As our friend Craig Robinson would sing.
Take your panties off, Mark.
Oh, I will.
In fact, any girl here that wants to have sex after this show.
Let's make a memory.
There's an awesome
back alley area where some homeless
people hang out and there's some dumpsters.
So, yeah, ladies,
go get fucked by Mark back there.
All we need is a neck pillow
and a hand towel.
Oh, like you guys have never been on an
airplane.
playing.
Who was the person you were playing for, Mark? I mean, where is she?
Can she come up here and get her prizes?
Let's get them all. Just some of her prizes.
Okay.
Not the ultimate prize.
Look at her.
There you go, Gwenny.
Congratulations.
Wait, did she take it?
Yeah, she didn't have her name tag back.
Let's hug it out, Gwen.
Her back scratcher.
There you go.
Oh, yeah.
She would not let go of you, man.
Story of my life.
That was...
Every day, I'm like, Donnie, I gotta go to work.
That was fucking intense.
Let's play a fun bonus round.
Let's do the Christoph Waltz category.
Let's do it.
Thank you.
We got some shitheads here.
Let me just check this.
You guys want to do some lines?
Do you have one ready to go?
Let's fucking do a line, bro.
Alright, so it's just between Chris and Tommy and I,
but Mark's going to say a line from a movie
and just yell it out when you know it, guys.
I don't think there's anything
in that black bag for me
I don't think there's anything
in that black bag for me
are you fucking kidding me right now
is that the same lady
who yelled spy kiss
is this your movie
she cannot stop herself
the only thing that would have
made that better
is if I would have heard her go
I'm gonna do it
I'm gonna do it
I'm gonna do it
oh my god pain and gain what's that pain and gain I would have made that better as if I would have heard her go, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it.
Oh my God.
Pain and gain.
What's that?
Pain and gain?
It's not necessarily a Mark Wahlberg film.
No.
I know.
I just was on the top of my head.
I was thinking about it.
It's good.
Two guns?
I don't think there's anything
in that black bag for me.
So it's not Wizard of Oz?
It is fucking Wizard of Oz.
But they still didn't know,
so I'm like,
let's fucking do it.
What? Black bag?
Have I been that stoned
every time I saw Wizard of Oz?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
It's at the very end, bro, when he
gives the fucking heart, and he had the courage
with him all the time, and the brain,
and then she goes,
I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
She didn't say it as well as you.
Why is it a black bag?
I thought it was just like a magic pouch or something.
That's what that weird-ass, creepy old dude had.
He had a fucking big-ass black bag.
Is that really the quote?
There's nothing in that black bag?
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me.
Okay.
Which is also what Brad Pitt says at the end of Seven.
Right there!
Right there!
At least this show's pretty much over.
Yeah, it is pretty much over.
He really came out of his shell all of a sudden.
Trying to get a few in before it's over.
I can do one more if you want to do one more.
I was going to play a round of before it's over. I can do one more if you want to do one more. I was going to play around.
This guy has graduated from drunk audience member
to stage manager.
We're a go.
We're a go on doing lines.
We're a go on doing lines.
This guy is in a documentary I'm making
called Rethinking Democracy.
See, now he's yelling.
He's yelling right now.
He's still talking.
You were so sleepy for a while.
I know, I loved it.
It was gorgeous when you were in sleep.
I looked over, you looked like a cute little care bear.
It's alright, dude.
I promise we'll hang out after the show.
But Doug, I will see you. Wow, it's like, alright, he's out. It's alright dude. I promise we'll hang out after the show
Wow it's like he's out
That's okay, he could have made it to the end he was so close my daughter is like that She wakes up and immediately yells out stuff and gets kicked out of a bar
Totally ruins it for the whole family.
That guy took his beer.
He's the best.
Yeah!
That guy wins.
I love it.
The true opportunist.
I love this dude.
He's dressed like hipster mush mouth.
He's fucking...
No, no.
I wish the audience at home could see it.
No, he's dressed up as Steve Zissou
and the life...
Aquatic.
Aquatic.
Kleptomaniac.
He's the first guy on a car accident
that takes the guy's wallet.
Yeah.
Dude, are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
That was for the listeners.
Mark pretended to take a guy's
wallet while
asking him if he was okay repeatedly.
Is it good?
Same beer? Perfect.
All right, Tommy, you're going to start this one off.
I love it. Looks like a new Glarus.
Let's do it.
I just
like the adventure of it because there's no way that guy
didn't spit up in it a little bit first.
That's dangerous.
Yeah, yeah.
Leave your name and information with the club.
We'll check in with you from time to time.
This is how that guy from Dallas got Ebola.
Christ, yeah.
God damn it.
I drank Patient Zero's beer.
Patient Bureau.
I'm going to make that movie.
I'm going to make that fucking movie.
In a world where you find a beer.
It's like a modern Les Mis.
A guy steals one beer and it ruins his entire life.
He's on the run.
You can play Javert.
He's the pro-lone survivor.
Fuck yeah, dude.
I love him.
I love him.
Come on, feel it, feel it.
I don't know how I did this,
but I managed to make us in a situation
where we're rushed to play this one.
Let's do it.
One round of Christoph Waltz.
Tommy is the category.
So it's a film of Christoph Waltz. He's the category. So it's the films of Christoph Waltz.
He's been in about six movies that I know of.
He picks his battles.
One and a half stars from Leonard on this one, though.
He says it's from 2011.
He calls it a U.S., German, French, and British production.
So there's a lot of influences there.
Holy shit.
Yeah, he calls this movie,
he says it's got a charisma challenge cast
and ridiculously
flashy direction.
Yeah, and he lists a lot of people.
He lists
looks like about
13 people.
How many
names do you think it'll take you?
I think I can go negative two.
Is it foreign?
It's a U.S., German, French, and British co-production.
I'm going to go negative two.
He says negative two.
Coming out, dick is swinging.
Let's go to Chris.
Mark, you already won.
Yeah, for sure.
Well, I'm definitely going to have to say name that movie.
All right. So you think you can name the name of this movie and the top two people? one. Yeah, for sure. Well, I'm definitely going to have to say name that movie. Alright, so
you think you can name this movie in the top
two people?
Not when you say it in that tone.
I'll be
blown away if you succeed, but here we go.
Now I definitely can't.
Say what you're going to say anyway.
Just tell us the wrong answer.
The wrong answer just because you said
U.S. and German was Inglourious Bastards.
Right.
I mean, that is wrong.
So, yeah.
Not when that movie came out.
And then you would have said Brad Pitt and...
Yeah, Mike Myers.
Mike Myers, of course.
I was going to say Sam Levine.
You know what?
I hope someday we fucking get Mike Myers
and Lassie Stanton and I remember
to say Ingllorious Bastards.
Unfortunately, this film, one and a half stars
would have been a good clue that it wasn't.
I don't know the show well enough.
I didn't know if this guy is a real reviewer or not.
I didn't know if it was someone
that just entered Maltin.
He's gag reviews.
He's legit, man.
Too much so to quit. He's not going to retire.
This movie was called The Three Musketeers.
And so
that's why I didn't think you were going to blurt out
Logan Lerman and Mila Jojovich
as your
negative two. That's my, my biggest thing was
I've never heard of a Mila Jojovich movie
getting one and a half stars. Yeah.
That's not going to happen. One more
time for all of my guests, you guys. Chris
Cubis, Tommy Jonaghan,
the Mark Wahlberg.
Thank you to Comedy on State
and to all you guys for coming out.
And apologies to the guy who got thrown out.
Just another example of how alcohol ruins everything.
But I'm sure he might remember having a fairly good time up until that point. just another example of how alcohol ruins everything. And, uh,
but I'm sure he might remember having a fairly good time up until that point.
And he can,
he can listen to this part.
He can listen to the whole thing.
In fact,
I beg him to listen to the whole thing.
Can I plug something real quick?
Oh yeah.
We should have done plugs.
Fuck.
I just was,
it was such a nice tight wrap up right there.
What do you want to plug buddy?
Oh,
you know what?
Okay, here's the deal.
Next Thursday, 10-10 at 11 o'clock,
we're doing another Wahlberg solution, guys.
It's going to be at UCB,
and it's going to be podcasted, too,
so you can check it out.
If anybody here wants to go,
Donnie will give you a ride.
Just hit him up on Twitter,
at the other Wahlberg.
He'll come fucking pick you up.
He's got a deal with U-Haul.
He's got one van.
I can't believe you have your own show at UCB now.
You just fucking love it there.
10, 10, 11 o'clock, UCB Wahlberg solution.
We're just going to be figuring shit out.
And James Adomian is going to be on that show with me.
So it'll be a good fucking time.
He's a great impressionist.
Do you do any impressions?
No, it's a guy pretending to be James Adomian.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah. Wow, next level. Fucking phenomenal. Next level. That's crazy. Chris, what do you do any impressions? No, it's a guy pretending to be James Adomian. Oh! Next level.
That's crazy. Chris, what do you got coming up?
I'm in
Austin for Fun Fun Fun Fest.
I'm in New Orleans for Hell Yes Fest.
If it's a fest, Chris Cubis
is there. If there's alcohol.
At Chris Cubis on Twitter
and chriscubis.com. Check out my shit.
Yeah, Chris Cubis, everybody.
And Tommy Johnigan's got some real dates and stuff.
In two hours, I'll be at Comedy Club on State.
Like that, dude.
Yeah, very close by.
It's very close.
Come back, you guys.
Separate admission required.
And then my tour dates are on TommyJComedy.com.
You can follow me on Twitter at Tommy Johnigan
or Instagram to see my baby
Every six pictures
Well great job today Tommy
And have fun with the rest of your weekend
You and Chris
And thank you again Mark
And everybody for coming
Thanks a lot you guys
Thanks
And as always,
Alan Smithy is a shithead.
Yeah, he's made a lot of shitty movies.
Wow, I thought that guy was back for a second.
And then,
reaching the age when you are called sir
is a shithead.
Let's do it, Gwen. Let's do it.
Thank you.