Doug Loves Movies - Paul F. Tompkins, Cake Boss, and Ice-T Guest
Episode Date: May 3, 2012Doug welcomes his good friends Paul F. Tompkins, Cake Boss, and Ice-T to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do...-not-sell-my-info.
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Doug hates candy wrappers, sweet and baby sticky seeds
With 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth
There's still not more that he won't see
Cause Doug loves movies Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, there's so much stuff to carry.
So much going on.
I haven't even seen this yet.
It looks like a box that would have a nice dessert of some kind in it.
I want to look at it. Okay.
Fair enough.
My name is Doug and I love movies!
This!
This is Doug Loves Movies
coming to you from the UCB Theater in
Los Angeles, California on May Day, May 1st, 2 Oceans 12.
Since last I spoke and you listened, I did a show with Brendan Walsh at the University of New Hampshire in Durham, New Hampshire.
And let's see what happened there. Let me read it.
Several hundred students and locals packed into a brightly lit lecture hall to hear my jokes.
I was like, where's the fucking podium?
And Brendan played the Leonard Maltin game against audience member Victoria.
She took it down, and in one round it was over.
But her name tag was a cake.
It was a Boston cream pie, actually actually but it looked like a cake and it was in a plastic container with a you know with a plate and then a plastic
thing on top of it and i we i decided to play a game of let's put a garbage can way on the other
side of the auditorium and see if i could make, you know, throw the cake into the garbage can.
And I threw it and it missed.
It was very close though.
And it missed. It was a really far throw.
It was really ballsy of me.
It was like that guy, political guy,
somebody, Scott Brown or somebody
recently sank a half court shot
and everybody's like, wow!
And it's like, well the fucking guy said I'll try
and he did it and so everybody thinks it's amazing,
but he can't do it a second time.
So I tried to do it with a cake, and I missed,
and the thing, the plastic on top of the cake
was so sturdy that the cake didn't fall out of the thing
when it hit the ground after I threw it 50 feet.
So then we had Brendan try, and it didn't open up again.
Then we got Nils
from the front. Nils is the
Jordan of the
University of New Hampshire.
He was in the front row
and he threw it and
it didn't break open again.
So the fourth time
I threw it again, still missed.
We never got it in the garbage.
But when it hit the ground, it splattered and went everywhere.
And so now that there's a dessert item sitting right here,
I'm like, I'm now obsessed with the idea of throwing it.
Because it's fun to throw a huge piece of dessert.
Note to my Twitter friends,
please do not flood my timeline
with Leonard Maltin category suggestions.
One at a time, wait it out,
see if that one worked.
Or just send one on occasion.
You know, you don't need to just,
sometimes I'll open up my feed
and there'll be like 10 in a row from somebody
and I just like glaze over like,
can't read 10 of these
and pick any of them.
So, and also I generally
do categories that revolve around
like if it's a specific
person, it's a specific person in these
kinds of movies or something. A lot of people send me
something where the whole pun is based around
just the name of one actor or one director.
Sometimes a director or actor has only
got like three or four
movies and it just narrows it down too quickly and too easily and it's not as much fun for me so
keep that in mind and as long as i'm mentioning oh that's so funny that i wrote as long as i'm
mentioning birthdays and i said nothing about birthdays i will do a you know a famous actor
or director if it's their birthday then then that's a good excuse to make the category just about them.
So you don't have to worry about those.
So just submit things that are a little bit more creative, if you will.
But speaking of birthdays, because now I really did.
I will not give you a birthday shout-out on Twitter no matter who you are.
Okay, some people I will, like famous people.
no matter who you are.
Okay, some people I will, like famous people.
You know, if Tom Cruise writes to me and says,
hey man, I really need an RT on my birthday.
I'm gonna go, you got it.
Everyone on Twitter's been born.
It's not an accomplishment.
It doesn't deserve a retweet.
There's no unborns on Twitter.
Now it's time for tweet relief.
Tweets about movies.
At Addison Wiley tweeted,
if any of those aliens in Battleship hit Rihanna,
I'm not going to like any of those aliens.
Agreed.
I don't want those aliens fucking with Landry or Riggins either.
But I must say,
my favorite part of the
Battleship Board game was
the aliens.
Now it's time
for a Watch This, Not That. The number one movie
at the box office is Think Like a Man,
which I have not seen.
Because thinking
isn't my thing. And the number two
movie is The Pirates!
Band of Misfits.
Which,
now at this point,
really,
why are they putting
subtitles when it's not even,
it's the first movie
out of the gate
and it's got another title.
Are people not gonna
get the idea
that The Pirates
is about
the pirates?
Do you really need
Band of Misfits?
Oh, now I get it.
I thought it was gonna be
about bad pirates,
but these are just ones that
play pranks.
These ones are just misfits.
They don't jump onto somebody's
yacht and gut everybody.
The only time I'll accept
it is The Raid Redemption, because that's
an awesome movie. So watch The Raid,
The Redemption, not Think Like a Pirate.
I just said Think Like a Pirate.
That's a movie I would watch.
This has been Watch The Raid, The Redemption.
Seriously, watch it.
I'll be back at the Houston Improv on Thursday, May 24th.
Bring your name tags for a chance to play Leonard Maltin game against Graham Elwood.
And now it's time to do this.
Let's look in the prize bag.
From my good friends at the AV Club, one of the writers of the AV Club, GK,
she came out to see the taping we did at the Zanies in Chicago.
She was right there to watch me yell at Dan Telfer.
And I had a great time.
She gave me a bag, and then
also, I'm pretty sure this t-shirt
probably says something about the A.V. Club
or something connected to the A.V. Club in some way.
What's it say?
A.V. Club.
And
I don't know why people don't like listening
to this part. I think it's i think
it's really really engaging and then i also have uh for some reason somebody brought
uh the second year of law and order special victims unit and also a uh i somebody gave me
this i forget where i got it, but it looks kind of cool.
A book called So You Created a Wormhole,
The Time Traveler's Guide to Time Travel.
Took two guys to write it.
Phil Hornshawn and Nick Hurwitch.
Looks like a good book.
You know, I don't read books.
I love movies.
Oh, AV Club buttons.
There's a bunch of buttons.
And then still from the lead-up people,
who, you know, lead-up is going to happen
all over the country starting in September, I believe.
And hopefully I'll show up at some of the shows.
And the lead-up's a lot of fun,
and you can get a lot of cool stuff
if you buy tickets and go to it.
And this particular case,
I'm giving away Magic the Gathering.
This is a premium deck series.
This is a six-card all-foil deck, whatever the fuck that means.
And it's called Graveborn, so that has to be nothing but awesome, right?
And some of you guys might recognize this particular DVD that just came out recently.
Does anybody recognize that?
All right, very cool.
So please welcome to the stage Ice-T, Cake Boss, and Paul F. Tompkins. There's no need to throw chairs, Doug.
I just, there was an extra chair that we didn't need.
Sometimes we have four guests.
Tonight we have three.
Right.
And fed up to seven. But tonight we have three Fed up to seven
But tonight we have three guests
And you know I don't normally have an open door policy
At this show
But
When the opportunity came
To have you three guys on at the same time
I had to jump on it
Paul F. Tompkins DVD
It's brand new right? It's called Laboring Under Delusions
Doug both of those things are true It is brand right? It's called Laboring Under Delusions. Doug, both of those things are true.
It is brand new, and
it is called Laboring Under Delusions.
That's awesome.
Who did the artwork on the cover? That's pretty cool.
The concept was mine,
and it was the people at Comedy Central. This guy, Bruce
Ryan, that I worked with on it, and
he brought it to life.
Did a great job. I'm very excited
about it. Yes, I like it a lot.
Now, Cake Boss.
Hi, Doug.
Cake Boss.
You know what I forgot?
But very polite.
It's polite to say hello to someone first.
I'm a guest on your show. And then Cake Boss.
That's right, Cake Boss.
Have you...
You brought...
I brought a cake?
What else am I going to bring?
I'm the boss of cakes.
I could hear rumblings in the crowd
that they thought, oh, it might be cake boss.
Cake boss.
Because you brought a cake.
That's right.
That's not the way it works.
You're right, cake boss.
I got very strict rules about when I repeat my own name
Actually, it's not my name
It's more of a title
Oh, it's a ladybug
That's right, it's a ladybug
Because it's springtime here
In Los Angeles
And maybe other parts of the country as well
And look, this ladybug,
she got something special to say.
There's a little plaque at the bottom,
which is also edible, by the way.
It's made of fondant, the frosting.
The ladybug, she's saying to you,
I'm the boss.
That's right.
She's more of a bug boss.
But not the cake boss.
Not the cake boss, cake boss. She's more of a bug boss But not the cake boss Not the cake boss, cake boss
She's more of a bug boss
No, no
Why would you ever throw a beautiful cake?
You're like a barbarian
Like in the Game of Thrones cake that I made recently
For the Game of Thrones wrap party
It pictured a smoke man
having sex with a
barbarian lady.
I'm sorry, Cake Boss.
Cake Boss.
But Ice-T is here.
I know.
That's incredible.
That's amazing.
Yo, yo, yo.
What's up, Doug?
You're my favorite.
You're one of my
top two people on SUV
who are not actors but are somehow regulars on SUV.
First of all, I hate to correct you on your own podcast.
It's SVU.
It's not Special Unit Victims.
That would be a whole different show.
What would be different about it?
Hold on a second.
Let me pitch this out.
That would be like a show about a special unit made up of victims.
And that's more like vigilante justice, which, by the way, I do not approve of.
So what is it really?
Also, I take issue with you calling me a non-actor.
I feel like I've acted long enough
that I've earned my stripes as an actor.
Maybe you didn't see Tommy and the Cool Mule.
Where I was the voice of a mule who was pretty cool.
Well, I wanted to say that, you know,
you have been in some movies,
and I'm always grateful when a guest has been in some films.
Like me.
And Leonard Maltin, the patron saint of...
Who's that?
He's a film critic.
He has books and apps and stuff.
Leonard Maltin.
Leonard Maltin.
Like Maltin milk balls?
Like Whoppers?
That's my favorite movie snack.
You know why?
Because it's loud inside my mouth.
You're supposed to be quiet in the movies,
but it's like my own little rebellion going on in there.
People get junior mints.
They're so soft.
That's for weak people.
While you're watching a movie,
you're killing cops in your mouth.
That's right.
There's like 32 cop killers in there.
I get that.
That's a reference to the number of teeth you have.
Listen,
Cake Boss. Cake Boss.
We'll be back to you in a second, Cake Boss.
Cake Boss.
But Leonard
Maldonballs, he
he gave he gave two or less stars on a scale of bomb to five stars to all of your movies.
Oh.
Hmm.
Let me ask you a question.
Is Leonard Maldon by any chance some whack-ass old white dude?
Is that possible at all?
He's at least two out of three of those things.
Okay, so, like, this Leonard Maltin, right?
Like, he goes to see a film like
Leprechaun in the Hood.
He might be like,
oh, this is too much for me.
Honey, get the kiss.
That's what I imagine he sounds like.
Yeah, he doesn't like scary movies.
He probably don't even like magical creatures
like leprechauns either.
Well, they're rarely in movies
that aren't scary in some way, the leprechauns.
You never seen Dobby O'Gill and the Little People?
For shame, Doug.
I thought you loved movies.
That's fucking scary, that movie.
It actually is pretty terrifying.
Yeah.
Thanks for having my back, Paul.
Because James Bond is dealing with magical powers
and forces beyond his control.
I'm trying to talk to Ice-T.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
What do I call you, T?
Yeah, you call me anything you want.
Do I call you Lord?
Lord Ice-T?
I kind of like the sound of that.
I don't mind it. Dame Ice-T? I kind of like the sound of that. I don't mind it.
Dame Ice-T?
I don't like the sound of that so much.
How's Coco doing?
Coco's great, man.
She's beautiful.
We're beginning production on a new season of I Love Coco.
Guess what?
Spoiler alert.
I still love Coco.
I thought you'd do something different in season three,
but, you know, stick with what works I guess
We also take it a bit literal
And there's like a romantic
There's a what?
There's a romantic theme
Like with nudity?
Between a block of ice and a tin of cocoa
I think viewers will get it
Like long time viewers will get that inside joke.
It's like Arrested Development.
You pay attention, you're rewarded later on.
So, Malted Milkballs didn't give any of your movies
anything higher than three stars.
None of your films have gotten four stars.
Not that you're responsible for the films.
You're just in them.
But he gave...
Yeah.
You show up and do a damn good job.
Yeah, thanks for making that clarification.
But he gave Trespass, directed by the great Walter Hill, three stars.
Yeah.
That's his most favorite of the Ice-T films.
You want to know what my favorite is? I'd love to hear that.
I was going to go another way, but...
Ricochet.
You were in that?
Very
insulting. I've got to see what Leonard gave that
now. I was in that movie with my good friend
John Lithgow.
Go-Go Lithgow was in that with you? Go-Go and I
were in that together. He's been a guest on this show, too.
What?
Yeah.
This is how I find out.
I would love to have the two of you on together sometime.
Maybe someday.
We'll see.
Who's the third person?
We can't get Denzel.
He was the lead in Ricochet, right?
Oh, Denzel too big for that now.
Yeah, so we're going to have to find somebody else.
We're going to have to find somebody else to be in it.
You know, the friendship I forged with John Lithgow
is so vivid in my mind.
I kind of can't remember right now
who else was in that movie.
Oh, it's interesting.
There was a movie in 1986 called Ricochets
with an S on the end.
Was that about a bar?
Yeah, it was about a pub.
Irish dude.
It was about an Irish pub called Ricochets.
And, Is there a movie called TGI Fridays? Yeah, it was about a pub. Irish. It was about an Irish pub called Rick O'Shea's. And...
Isn't there a movie called TGI Fridays?
Kickboss, you're like...
Kickboss.
You're becoming the new Pete Holmes.
I'm kidding!
He's more like Dan Telfer.
Judging from the growth of the audience, that is not a compliment.
No, I just mean it's somebody that I have to
kind of remind them that
I'm trying to talk to Ice-T right now.
How many times did I interrupt?
A billion?
So sorry, Your Majesty,
I didn't keep track.
Let me get my pen out.
He really didn't interrupt that much.
No, he didn't.
Honestly. But he did jump, he didn't. Honestly.
But he did jump in when I was,
I'm trying to talk to Ice T.
I'm still here.
I'm not going anywhere.
If it makes a difference,
I was not offended by that jump in.
Is that what they call them?
Jump ins?
Yeah.
When people jump in like that?
Now, I understand you're paying a lot of attention to me
because I got the most film cred under my belt.
Yeah, I have you're paying a lot of attention to me because I got the most film cred under my belt.
Yeah, I'm the most entertaining voice.
I've never talked to you in person before.
That's insulting!
I'm sorry!
You don't like the way I sound?
We've worked together before, Cake Boss.
Cake Boss, that's true.
I forgive you, Doug Batchett.
I can't stay mad at you because you're like a little imp.
I'm like, I'm a big imp.
I'm an XL imp.
You smoke your magic smoke and then it makes you a fun-loving creature.
Two stars for Ricochet from Leonard Maltin and Malt Balls.
There was more than two stars in it, if that's what he's referring to. Well, yeah, you can't.
But if you keep talking about the quality of the film.
I say, Leonard Maltbaugh, you better watch that movie again.
It was an intense movie.
I remember there's a scene where Denzel Washington gets a sexy lady,
forces his penis into her.
I remember that.
Wasn't that weird?
It was weird at the time.
Did you stop by the set that day?
Now it's like commonplace.
You turn on an episode of HBO's Girls,
you'll see that every week.
You and Coco watch Girls together?
People seem to get upset at that.
I don't think you understand upset.
Yo, yo, yo.
There was laughter.
No, two people laughed.
Other people, like, I heard a,
I heard a, like,
there was like an unheard gasp in the crowd.
I just want to go on record right now.
ISD is not part of the girls' backlash.
It is crazy.
Girls and Veep have been on for like two or three weeks,
so they're already picked up for another season,
and the ratings haven't been great.
That's HBO.
We got to sweat it out on NBC.
Me and the Bells. How often do you have to sweat it out? That show is like a staple. They'll sweat it out on NBC. Me and the Bells.
How often do you have to sweat it out?
That show is like a staple.
They'll never get rid of it.
Doug, we don't take nothing for granted.
I came up from the streets.
It's not like somebody hands me a TV show.
That is kind of what happened, but...
But you know what?
First, I had to come up from the streets
Also, did you know
Did you know I wasn't in the first season of SVU?
What?
Yeah
I can't even imagine it
When I went shopping in my own closet
For a DVD box set to bring here
I was like, I'll start people out at the beginning
And I noticed I didn't have season one
And then I looked myself up on IMDb
and I was like, damn,
Ice-T's not in season one of SVU?
It was like, to me, it was season one when I started
because that was my first season on the show.
But it turns out, canonically,
that's the second season of SVU.
That's weird that you don't know the word chronic, Gully.
Chronologically.
Chronicologically.
I think he said canonically, which is its own separate word.
What does that mean?
Doug, someone in the crowd said,
your own audience has lapped you in word knowledge.
Canonically? Canonically.
Canonically.
Part of the canon.
Oh.
You learn something new every day, player.
Welcome to your new vocabulary.
I'm surprised.
I'm glad I could open the door for you.
You wrote on this DVD, you wrote, you're special to me.
Yeah, and I put special in quotes. Yeah.
It's like a little joke because special's in the title
of the show.
That's for fun. Yeah, but you don't
ever work unit into what you write
on these things? I don't know if it's
going to be a man or a woman who gets this thing, man.
I don't want to send any mixed messages.
Yeah, you
probably want to stay away from victims as well.
Yo, man, I always want to help out victims.
How many people, how many victims do you think you've helped on that show over the years?
A thousand.
How many years?
Oh, you knew the number right away.
No, I've been keeping track.
What else are you going to do?
You probably have four days off a week, right?
That's right.
You know, Kevin Pollak was in Ricochet with you.
He was in Ricochet.
I mean, of course he was.
Do you think you're going to be good at the Leonard Maltin game?
Do you know how it works?
I don't think I'm going to be good at it.
I think I'm going to be great at it.
First of all, I never even heard
of this game
and I'm not sure
what happens in it,
but I know I'm gonna
dominate and destroy
because that's what I do.
I come hard
like a gangster pimp.
Well, there's some
great prizes that people
can win tonight.
Can I talk now?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I tried to wait as long as I could, but I get so excited I want to? Oh, I'm so sorry. I tried to wait
as long as I could,
but I got so excited
I want to talk to you,
talk about you.
Have you been to the movies
lately, Cake Boss?
Yeah, Cake Boss.
What did you see?
I saw that movie
where Julia Roberts
plays the mean queen
because everybody's
in fancy clothes
and I thought,
oh, Masha Gabel,
there's got to be
some cakes in that movie.
Were there any cakes in Mirror Mirror?
Two.
Two birthdays were celebrated
over the course of the film?
Different occasions.
They were not very elaborate cakes.
It was a little disappointing.
No ladybugs?
None at all.
It distracted me from the movie going experience
because I was like, oh, if only these fictional
characters called me to make the cake.
So Paul F. Tompkins is here as well.
Have you
been to the cinema of late?
And I have to thank the three of you.
I'm so used to shows where the guests
are constantly stepping all over each other. And I really appreciate how the three of you. I'm so used to shows where the guests are constantly stepping all over each other.
And I really appreciate how polite everyone is tonight.
We discussed it backstage.
I'm, of course, a veteran of the show.
And I told those guys, there's a lot of crosstalk on the show from time to time.
So let's try to make sure that doesn't happen.
I was on board with that, because I was like,
we're not doing like,
you know, what's his name?
Robert Altman or whatever.
Oh, his movies, they all just talk
over each other. It's annoying.
Overlapping dialogue, that's supposed to land
realism. It's fake
to me, because I live in a polite
society
where people wait their turn.
Yeah, like on the show Entourage, those four guys always waited for their lines before
they spoke.
They never interrupted each other.
What I liked about Entourage was all the dead spaces between dialogue.
Did you like anything about Entourage, Ice-T? I like when four dudes can hang out together
and they got each other's back.
That's like me and the bells.
Oh, you and the bells are tight?
Super tight.
Because he was the other non-actor
I was joking around about earlier.
Maybe you didn't see Night Shift.
That Ron Howard movie
that was Michael Keaton's big screen debut?
The same. No, I didn't. It's worth seeing. that Ron Howard movie that was Michael Keaton's big screen debut the same no
I didn't
it's worth seeing
Michael Keaton's
pretty funny in it
he carries around
like a little pocket tape recorder
he's always
shouting ideas into it
cause he's like
an entrepreneur
and it's got
Shelly Long
at her most tolerable
man
that's unkind
I also I kinda like her though actually Man, dog. That's unkind.
I kind of like her, though, actually.
Yeah, sounds like it.
Fucking money pit.
Am I right, Cake Boss?
Cake Boss.
Is that a yes or a no?
It's both. It's like shalom.
You know, certain cultures have words that mean both yes and no.
Not at all confusing.
Like aloha.
Like aloha. Shalom.
Means yes and no aloha, right?
Right.
That's why when people, whenever I approach them or walk away from them, they're like, alohoha yes or no. Because they're such a laid back country. They're in or they're out.
I like it.
Now Paul you're rumored
according to IMDB
IMDB you're rumored
to be playing
Jaime. Jaime. Yes.
In Kill Me Deadly. We talked about this last time
we did. We did.
That rumor is still out there. Why isn't there a rumor still out there?
Why can't we get
a new rumor going on IMDb?
The project is awaiting funds.
Oh.
Is it on Kickstarter?
It is on...
I don't believe it is on Kickstarter.
That's what they should do it.
They should just get on Kickstarter.
The producers want to do it
all themselves.
Well, not the producers.
The people that created the movie
want to do it all themselves.
And they shot some stuff
like a sort of teaser trailer,
but they don't have completion funds to make the full film.
Oh, but can we watch the teaser trailer?
I believe so.
I think it's still online.
All right.
It's called Kill Me Deadly.
That's right.
Check it out.
And if you're like a wealthy industrialist...
If you're an eccentric millionaire...
Yeah.
Then, you know, if you're Richard Branson Give him a call
And say, if you put some hot air balloons and kill me deadly
I will back it
If Richard Branson backs it, then
They could show the movie in space
Yeah, it could be the in-flight movie on the trip to space
That's right
I'm on the wait list for that, by the way
For the civilian space trip
Now, I've got another question for Cake Boss
before we move on
to the...
I've got a new
podcast, kind of a side project
if you will. A side podcast.
This is exciting!
It's called Dining with Doug and Karen.
It's me and my friend Karen Anderson and two people.
What happens then?
We dine.
In hell.
And we also ampersand.
And that's why it's called
Dining with Doug and Karen.
But maybe Cake Boss
could be a guest
on that sometime.
We could just
have a bunch of desserts
that you make.
Yeah.
Do you know
what my favorite meal is, Doug?
I gotta guess.
Dessert for dinner.
Most parents won't allow it.
The farthest they'll go is breakfast.
They think it's exotic enough for children,
but every child secretly logs for dessert for dinner.
You should make pancake-flavored cakes.
Ugh. They should make cake-flavored cakes. Ugh.
They should make cake-flavored pancakes.
Shape like a ladybug.
Who wouldn't want that?
You gotta have a cake,
and then you get this heavy, doughy pancake.
Bad idea, dog.
Does anyone hunger for games?
I do.
Me.
Let's do this.
All right, so let's play a quick build-a-title.
And since Paul F. Tompkins knows the game,
we'll start with him.
And then we'll move to Cake Bosses Price. I probably slightly more familiar with it, even though...
Somewhat.
And then Ice-T, who probably has no idea.
None.
I think you'll figure it out as we go, though.
Yo, you didn't ask me if I've seen any movies.
We gotta play this game.
Real quick, Doug.
Because it's a twist answer.
Have you seen any movies lately, Ice-T?
No, but I've seen some television recently.
I've seen this show called
Saturday Night Live.
And I've seen this guy, Fred Armiston.
And he was like imitating me.
And I'm like,
who does this guy think he is imitating Ice-T?
He don't sound nothing like me.
So you don't like any...
Has anybody ever imitated you to perfection?
Not to my knowledge.
I turn off the TV to hear it.
You never like to hear it.
The same guy does President Obama. Is that the same guy? Yeah. Oh, I like the off the TV. You'd never like to hear it. Disgust. The same guy does President Obama.
Is that the same guy?
Yeah.
Oh, I like the President Obama guy.
He's the guy, you know, they have the one white guy that plays all the black characters
because they don't have, oh, there's that one black guy that doesn't play those characters
that's on the show this year.
It's really weird.
Is Jay Pharoah just standing around all the time with his arms crossed?
Why is all these going to Fred Armisen?
I don't know about the backstage life of these people,
though.
Nor should you. Let's play Build a Title.
Let's do it!
Suggested
by Robert Provost
Protocol?
On Twitter.
Provost Protocol.
You should not have mentioned that one. That was absolutely appropriate. on Twitter. Provost Protocol.
You should not have questioned that one.
That was absolutely appropriate.
You should have charged right in.
I like to, you know,
sneak him in sometimes.
He suggested,
Paul, all dogs go to heaven.
So you need, of course,
just to help explain it to Mr. T.
Do people call you Mr. T?
Do you pity those fools?
I feel sorry for those dumb people.
That should be your catchphrase.
It applies to child molesters, too.
You could say it on SUV.
I just want to go on the record again. I do not feel sorry for child molesters too. You could say it on SUV. I just want to go on the record again.
I do not feel sorry for child molesters.
I meant dudes that expose themselves on the subway.
It's good to clarify these things.
I don't think I feel sorry for them either.
That's why you're such a good cop.
You have no empathy for people who break the law.
That's right.
Yeah.
Zero tolerance.
The title is All Dogs Go to Heaven.
All Dogs Go to Heaven.
I'm going to say All Dogs Go to Heaven's Gate.
Nicely done.
Weird giggle in the crowd
for some reason.
Oh, it started.
The game didn't end immediately.
All right, what do you think,
gate boss?
Close one, Doug.
But you can't fool me.
I tried.
A for effort.
So all dogs go to heaven,
so you need something
that ends in all
or the sound of all or begins with gate A for effort. It's all dogs go to heaven, so you need something that ends in all,
or the sound of all, or begins with gate, or part of the sound.
Okay, I got it. Okay.
I'm going to say money ball dogs go to heaven's gate.
You're good at this cake, boss.
Good boss.
Money ball goes to heaven's gate.
All right.
Money ball dogs go to heaven's gate.
So I was thinking it might be Legends of the Fall Dogs,
but that was money balls.
Really nice.
Does this make any sense to you, Ice-T?
I think I got it.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Here's what I got to say.
Money ball dogs go to heaven's
gate-legged freaks.
Oh.
That's right.
Very nice.
I love horror movies.
That's why I was
almost exclusively in
horror movies.
Did you know I was supposed to be
in Terms of Endearment?
What?
The Jeff Daniels role.
A professor at a school
who's cheating on Deborah Winger.
That's right.
Eight callbacks.
Last thing I heard was
they were going another way.
Yeah, they were going for some
not colorblind casting.
It's not right.
Wait.
Yeah.
That was right, right?
Yeah.
It was color-sighted casting.
So now we're back to Paul,
who needs to finish with money
or begin with freaks,
which is something I say all the time.
It's kind of my mantra. I'm going to finish with money or begin with freaks, which is something I say all the time. It's kind of my mantra.
I'm going to finish with money or begin with freaks.
Look at me.
I'm a sad goth girl in the front row.
Is the stare down a regular part of your podcast.
Also, sad goth is really redundant.
They look happy when they have their umbrellas, right?
When they're out in the sunshine.
They got their umbrellas.
Flying around like Mary Poppins all right money ball dogs go to heaven
gate like a freaks what do you think Paul oh it's tough because both money
and freaks are movies by themselves and freaks it's always tough
when the S
on the Freaks
is going to
mess that up
I think
it's going to be
hard to negotiate
I don't know
if you're going
to allow this
okay let's find out
there was a movie
called
it was just like
eight S's in a row
it starred
Dirk Benedict
that's right
so if you would allow it in a row. It starred Dirk Benedict. That's right.
So if you would allow it.
Let me see what Leonard has to say.
Let's check in with Leonard real quick.
Yeah, because I remember there's a movie called Pfft.
But I don't know about Ssss.
I think, yeah, I think you're right.
I think there was a movie called that.
Oh, do you think so? I think so. Because Issss. I think, yeah, I think you're right. I think there was a movie called that. Oh, do you think so?
I think so.
Because I already knew that I was.
Why, if I was going to make a movie up,
what am I, Graham Elwood?
Isn't there a movie that's just an ellipses and two boats?
Leonard does not recognize all those S's.
Let me do a few less S's.
Okay, I got the right number of S's.
It's actually six S's.
I was really close.
Yeah, you nailed it.
Do you know who stars in it?
Dirk Benedict.
Oh, no, but top build above him.
Helen Mirren.
No, no, no.
Turns out it's Strother Martin.
He's the top-billed person in it.
Wow.
That must be a great movie.
He's the fit.
To see some old man running around with a bunch of snakes.
You snakes and I, we got a failure to communicate,
or whatever the fuck he said in that movie
with people eating a lot of eggs.
Cool hand eggs.
What? Do they ever do anything else with these eggs?
They'll make a cake, King Boss!
Oh, King Boss, forget about it. I'm about to see that movie.
Leonard gave three stars.
You gotta be kidding me.
Yeah, and Ice-T's not even in it.
And yet somehow it's a critically acclaimed horror movie.
Well done horror tale of a doctor
who finds a way of transforming men into King Cobra what it's one King Cobra yeah I don't know
why it says it that way it should be cobras right way to go let him ball ball hey do you know why I
wasn't in that movie Doug why they were afraid of how I would pronounce it doing the promo for them.
Yeah, they didn't want to insult you.
That's ableism.
Yeah.
Money ball dogs go to heaven's gate legged freaks.
Six S's.
Now everyone's going to use S
when there's an S on the end.
This is like Scrabble.
There's little tricks you learn along the way.
Alright, so then we go to
CB.
Is it me?
Yeah, I think you're after Paul.
Is it Mr. T?
I feel sorry for you, you dumb person.
Oh, it worked.
There's movies that end in money.
There's gotta be, right?
I don't know if there's too many movies to begin with.
Can you think of some?
I guess once you have this,
you could just say any movie that begins with an S, right?
Oh, I hope so.
I think you can.
Try one,
and we'll see what happens.
Stop or my mom will shoot.
Okay, Ice-T.
We've got money,
ball, dogs,
go to heaven,
gate,
leg, and freak.
Stop or my mom will shoot.
Stop or my mom will shoot. Stop or my mom
will shoot the moon.
Fearing drama
starring Albert Finney.
Yeah.
That would be
made me sad.
And Diane Keaton.
That's right.
I know that's right.
You're big into
confirming things
that people already know.
You're a defiant group.
Fuck you being a little little kind to me.
No, but you're three guests who don't interrupt each other,
but also, you're coming at me.
You got...
We came to play.
Yeah.
So, we're back to Paul again.
Fine.
This is a great title we've got building here.
Marquise or Trembling
all over the world.
Do you have something
that ends in money or begins with
moon, Paul? Yes. Moon
over Parador. Oh.
Was that where Richard Dreyfuss
played multiple roles? That's right. Yes, it was.
It starred
Richard Dreyfuss. And Richard
Dreyfuss.
And Richard Dreyfuss. Not Dreyfuss Not just the two
You only had two parts?
I think so
It was like Prince and the Pauper
Yeah he looked like this dictator
He should have played a third part
Like a guy eating lasagna
Or no spaghetti
Remember in 1941
When John Belushi was just eating spaghetti
And something fell on him
And he went
And that was his whole That was his whole other part.
I guess I have not seen that movie
because I don't remember that at all.
Did I say 1941?
You did.
Okay, good.
I was worried I just said something.
Shoot the Moon over Peridot.
Wow, that's going to be...
Oh, no, it isn't.
It's going to be a simple one, I think.
So now we're back to Cake Boss.
Cake Boss?
Money ball dogs go to Heaven's Gate.
Legged freaks stop where my mom will shoot
the moon over Peridot.
Hmm.
Okay.
Think this through, Cake Boss.
Cake Boss. Okay. Think this through, cakepots. Cakepots.
That was weird, Doug Benson.
I was concentrating too hard on movies with a door sound.
I'm gonna say...
Oh.
Moon over Parrot Doors
directed by Oliver Stone
yes
I was thinking Door on the Floor
but I like Parrot Doors
I wasn't sure if that was a movie or not
it was
it was a book first right
yeah with Jeff Bridges was in the movie
Door on the Floor
a John Irving novel
it sounds familiar.
Doesn't door on the floor sound like
what was the one with the cabinet
or the dresser?
Okay, so
we're back over to Ice-T.
Were you thinking of the Lion,
the Witch, and the Wardrobe?
Chronicles of Narnia?
No.
I was thinking of Eragon.
Yeah, they walk into a mini-fridge
to get to a World of Dragons in that movie.
Yeah, you haven't seen it.
Nobody's seen it.
Yeah, no one can disagree with me.
I want to see this movie.
The facts are on the table now.
Look.
It's a mini-fridge in a Hampton Inn.
Is there swords and stuff?
They don't even have mini-fridges a Hampton Inn. Is there swords and stuff? They don't even have mini fridges at Hampton Inn.
I didn't realize you were such a Hampton Inn expert.
Well, I saw that movie Young Adult with Charlize Theron.
That's right.
And she goes to eat a cookie there at the front desk at the Hampton Inn.
And the girl goes, that's only for our Hampton Inn special VIPs or whatever.
That's not true.
If you're staying in Hampton, you get the cookies.
Maybe that desk lady didn't like the cut of her jib.
She was like, you look like you've got an emotional problem.
Yeah, she was lying about having a dog in her bag that was moving around.
You know what?
Liars don't get cookies.
That's right.
That's the law of the streets, Doug.
Now we have
the catchphrase for you
on SUV.
Liars don't get cookies.
Liars don't get cookies.
I'm gonna work that in.
That will stop crime.
I'm gonna get Bell
to set me up for that.
Like you wouldn't believe.
He'll do like
a trademark shade tip.
What do you think?
Do you have anything that begins with doors
and you can't use sss again?
Or anything that ends with money?
We've never had to say that out loud.
You can't use a title that's already been used
a second time.
Should go without saying, right?
It should, but now I'm saying it.
I feel like you don't trust me.
Because most things that you say sound like that.
Yeah, I think I get it.
You brought it up earlier.
Yeah, I brought it up earlier.
I didn't start it.
It's one thing when I say it.
Pushing my buttons, Doug.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'll pronounce it right from now on.
It's S-V-U.
People on my side.
We still don't got one for money, right?
No, and we're running out of time.
We're two minutes over.
Oh, pardon me.
I'm sure it's my fault.
I'm going to say my fault. I'm gonna say
two for the money.
Yes.
Yes.
Who was in that? Was that Katherine Heifel?
Everybody.
It was a star-studded cast.
Leonard Mauborg gave it all the stars in the heavens.
I'm just double-checking on that.
He was like, I love this more than juice.
Oh, no.
I was wrong.
It was Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey,
and it was about professional gambling.
Really? Yeah.
It's true.
Yeah, it was directed by
DJ Caruso. Can you block
things on your Netflix queue?
I'd never want to see that.
Alright, well, Mr. T has really set up Paul for a sweet spot here
because he just has to come up with something that ends in the word, too.
Something that ends in the word, too.
But it's got to be...
Well, it could just sound like that.
The word, too.
It doesn't have to be T-W-O.
It could be T-O-O.
I would go with T-W-O.
We're going with homonyms.
There's thousands of movies.
But there's also...
Here's why.
Because the first thing I thought of was Teen Wolf 2.
Which is T-O-O.
Because it's fun.
Works either way.
You want to go with it?
Yeah.
Teen Wolf 2.
For the money's...
bald... dogs go to go with it? Yeah. Teen Wolf 2. For the money's... bald...
dicks go to heaven.
It's gay.
Leggett freaks stop.
Oh, my mom will shoot the moon over a pair of doors.
Wow.
Legendary title.
I wouldn't expect these three minds to be able to pull this off.
It's teamwork.
Yeah, you guys are doing great.
So who's up next?
Cake Boss.
Cake Boss.
Hmm. Hmm.
What does Cake Boss want to say?
Has to end in teen.
Has to end in teen.
Has to end in teen or begin with doors. Oh, I've already got one.
Jordan's got one.
Oh great, I'm glad everybody in the room has one except the cake boss.
Sometimes it's not easy being... cake...
...boss. Cake boss! Oh, sicko.
Comedy Bang Bang has been cancelled for the night.
It's gonna be three more hours of this.
I'm in.
I'm in. I'm in.
I wouldn't say no.
That's not going to happen.
A lot of these people already saw
a Rob Delaney show. They're getting a lot of show
tonight. When was Rob Delaney?
He did a show earlier tonight, Paul. What time?
At 6 o'clock, right?
Where's the fire, Rob Delaney?
From 6 to seven.
Yeah.
And he didn't...
So many people in the audience
backed you up.
It's true.
That did happen.
There were murmurs of assent
all around.
They were here.
No, Rob Delaney
could never do a show that early.
It's impossible.
I'll never believe it.
Who wants, or it didn't happen.
Who wants to hear tweets at happy hour?
He doesn't do his tweets.
He doesn't do his tweets, you guys.
He's got a whole comedy act. He doesn't just read his tweets.
Does he do some of his tweets, though?
I don't think he does a single one.
I like when people do tweets, Doug.
What's your name on Twitter, Cake Boss?
Cake Boss, Cake Boss.
You have to say it again when you wrote your name in.
That's right.
Because that's what you do is whenever you recognize it, you add it again.
I write it and then I delete the second one.
So no one sees it, but I know that it was there.
I think you've got mental problems.
Yeah.
That's like some OCD.
I haven't been diagnosed, but I'm on the
spectrum.
Safe to say.
Whose turn is it and why?
It's your turn.
And you need something that ends
in T and begins with doors.
So, you might be out.
But I...
Like I said, I thought of one.
I feel like I'm on the edge of one.
I hate to be the one that ends it.
But wait, is it over or I'm just out?
Or do we have a gentleman's agreement?
We'd skip you and then it's down to Paul and Ice-T to fight it out.
Boy, oh boy.
I mean, you're so stumped, I bet they are too.
I'm trying to make noises to jog some movies from my memory.
Don't give Graham Elwood ideas for how to how to stall
train
I don't know how to
make a train noise
okay you're out cake boss
still a cake boss
yeah
but nice try
thanks for the
applause everybody
I played with my heart
does Ice-T have anything
or are we gonna call
Paul F. Tompkins the winner
with his Teen Wolf 2?
Put a good stopper in there.
There's got to be something
that ends with teen.
There's got to be a bridge word
to get me from doors
to something else.
I can't think of nothing.
I concede.
I just thought of one.
I've got one for both ends.
Good for you, Doug.
Which is another thing I like to say on weekends.
You're so good at this game,
maybe you should play it sometime.
I do right now, in my own way.
In that cheating way.
Dick Clark used to always run over on the pyramid,
and he'd say one that the guy didn't think of
and they'd always get it.
He'd act like, I'm so great at this.
It's like, no you're not.
You're sitting on the sidelines
just waiting for your chance.
To be fair.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
It's about how he died recently.
That's what I was talking about.
To be fair, I think Mr. Clark
was not trying to show off to people.
I think he was just trying to say, would this have gotten you there?
That's exactly where I'm at right now.
He's not like pulling an Alex Trebek where it's like, nope, you didn't get that.
And I know everything.
Like, I'm Uatu the Watcher up on the moon.
I see you not get it, but I'm forbidden to interfere.
I'm there now, so let's call it, let's say that Paul's the winner.
Is that okay?
Fine, I don't care.
It's a bit of a bittersweet victory.
When people were not a one by default.
Of course, you could have gone with 17.
17.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
And I fucking love this one
Para Dorsen and Me
Orson and Me
I couldn't think of the name of that movie
and I thought Orson was the second word
I couldn't remember I knew Orson was in the title
hey everybody producer Ryan here
Doug is thinking of the 2008 film
Me and Orson Welles
nicely done Paul Tompkins everybody
now I'm sorry if I didn't me and Orson Welles. Nicely done. Paul Tompkins, everybody.
Now, I'm sorry if I didn't explain this clearly backstage to Ice-T and Cake Boss,
but the three of you now need to go out into the audience,
as we always do,
and pick name tags of who you would like to play for
in what will hopefully be a very rapid version
of the Leonard Maltin game
because we're running a little behind schedule.
I'll say my plugs while you go out and do that.
Jordan's right there in the front row,
but he didn't bring his baseball.
The one week where somebody wants to use his name tag,
he sat that one out.
I'll be at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday, May 6th.
Oh, wait, I just heard that was sold out, so I take that back.
And I'll be doing the Benson Interruption at Nerd Mountain, Los Angeles on Thursday, May 10th.
I'll be at the Comedy Attic in Bloomington, Indiana, May 19th and 20th.
No Indianapolis stop this time, so make the drive, you guys.
It's only about an hour.
All right, what do you got?
What do you got, fellas?
I'm playing for Noah, right?
Is that your name?
Yes.
What does it say?
He got a poster of Bill Cosby.
Oh, okay.
Noah is a very funny fellow, right?
It's a play on the Bill Cosby routine.
Well, Bill Cosby is Noah.
Excuse me, Dr. Cosby routine where Bill Cosby is Noah, excuse me,
Dr. Cosby.
He's Noah
from the Bible getting the instructions from God
and it's like, this shit is crazy.
That's the subtext of the bit.
Who are you playing for, Paul?
I'm playing for Krista.
It's very simple. It's just a name tag.
Like, it's a keychain with her name on it.
But you know what?
She had a fresh, smiling face.
And she has glasses, and I thought,
the world is against her.
There are fewer libraries these days.
That's right.
She's got nothing to do.
I'm going to fight for Krista.
It's also, no, she looks like a nice person.
Krista is the name of a dear friend of mine.
So why not?
And then, who does Cake Boss have?
Let's ask him.
This one I got.
So when Paul Tompkins says Cake Boss,
you don't say Cake Boss?
No.
That's the one person that won't get a cake boss out of you
when he says cake boss?
Cake boss, cake boss, cake boss.
Beetlejuice is here.
What happens if somebody says my name three times?
Oh, they get infested with ladybugs.
Not cakes.
Don't anybody look in the mirror
and say my name three times.
You won't catch me doing cake,
comma, boss.
This is who?
Close one.
Technicality.
It's also boss, comma, cakes.
Boss, comma, cakes.
This one,
who did I get this from?
Pauline.
Pauline. Is it your name, Pauline?
And who's this fellow that's been photoshopped onto the poster?
Oh, that's me.
What is you with a mustache?
Yeah, it's like a bad guy mustache.
And you got a fancy hat on, like a top hat.
Yeah, it's a twirly mustache and a top hat.
I like how even though it's a Photoshop picture, it's still a cheap looking top hat.
You could have got any picture of a top hat
on the internet,
and you got one that looks like it's made of plastic.
Kickbox gets funnier
every appearance that he does
on these kinds of shows.
I'm not trying to be funny.
It's not working, then.
Did anybody write their shitheads on the back? Because that's a thing that people do. There's not working, then. All right.
Did anybody write their shitheads on the back?
Because that's the thing that people do.
Nobody.
Oh, there's one.
Okay.
So don't reveal that one.
But we'll ask the others to come up.
This other person, they don't seem to have done it.
That's true, Cake Boss.
Cake Boss.
Happy dog.
Very.
Let's burn through this.
Let's do one round.
I love it.
One round. Winner take all. I was just going to's do one round. I love it. One round.
Winner take all.
I was just going to suggest that.
Well, I said it first.
So I get the credit for that idea.
History will show, Doug.
I'm always, when it happens week to week, I'm the last person who should be hosting this show.
That's what the message board says.
I just, yeah.
We love everything about it.
Except for Doug.
Can't somebody else
And we're not crazy
about movies.
I don't know why
I listen to it.
Because of love.
That's all it takes.
The greatest of these
is love.
Okay.
Paul, if Tom gets it,
pick a category.
Then we'll go to
Ice-T to switch it up
And go the other way around
And again, hopefully they'll understand how this works
Stay at home buzz suggested
Let the right one in
And that's films made by Edgar Wright
Narrows it down considerably
I can think of six
At Dr. Thunderbottom
suggested
Probst Protocol.
That's as in Jeff Probst
and it's movies that have
a wilderness survival
kind of theme to them.
And then
and then the Des...
The D-E-S.
D-E-S.
D-E-Z.
The D-E-Z.
The D-E-Z.
Ah, there we go.
Suggested.
Who did a bee get in here?
It's okay, ladybug.
I want to eat that cake so bad, by the way.
I know you do.
The Dez suggested
Me Love You Wrong Time,
which is
time travel romance films.
Nice work, Des.
Des?
I'll allow it.
Oh, sure.
Why not?
I don't care for that.
Okay, Paul F. Tompkins.
Paul F. Tompkins.
I'm going to say...
I'm going to choose Let the Right One In in honor of a friend of the show, Edgar Wright.
Nice.
He has been involved in some capacity in about six motion pictures, I think.
Oh, I see where this is headed.
He's not necessarily the director, perhaps.
I know you're forbidden to say.
He's not necessarily the director, perhaps.
I know you're forbidden to say.
Leonard gives this movie three stars.
The year is 2007.
And he says about this film that...
That it has... Is this part of it
where you just read silently
the movie has
familiar faces in it
nice description Len
if you're listening
and
he also says
that
this movie
is an
homage to something.
Right? Terrible clue.
Considering the category.
Because he's very
homage-y.
And did you see
Homage-y with Robin Williams?
No, I went by myself.
And he lives.
Ha!
Very, very shiny Jimmy Parker.
That's a corny old joke.
There are
three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
names.
Ten names. What's the year?
And how many more names are going to be
added? I'm going with ten names.
And the year is 2007.
And Leonard gives it three stars.
And Paul gets to start off the bidding.
How many names do you think you get it in?
Zero names.
Impressive. Impressive.
Now what happens?
We gotta go to Ice-T and explain to him
that you can go into negative names.
You don't gotta explain nothing to Ice-T.
Okay, then you tell me
what should happen right now.
I'm gonna name that movie
in negative one names.
You've never heard the podcast before?
Nope.
But you know what?
I've been playing games all my life.
Okay, so we gotta go to Cake Boss.
Cake Boss!
Who
needs to possibly explain to him
that you can go negative more names
and that's reading the names from the top of the can.
Let me explain to you. I'm going to go negative two names.
Okay, we're back to Paul F. Tompkins.
That's right, we are. Cake Boss.
Cake Boss?
Did you expect these guys to be this competitive?
I really didn't.
In a game they've never even heard of?
I really didn't.
Because the last time I was here, I played with Andrew Lloyd Webber and Gary Marshall.
Yeah.
Neither of whom could not have cared less about the game.
Yeah, they were...
And it was frustrating for me because I was invested.
Yeah.
So it's exciting
to have strong competitors.
Exactly.
That's probably why
you brought them with you.
You know why?
Because
that brings my game up.
When I'm playing
against people who are good...
You're playing better
than I've ever seen you
play today.
I really feel like I am.
You're really...
You're really dominating
two very strong players.
I'm going to try
a little strategy here.
Okay.
This is crazy. And I'm going to say a little strategy here. Okay. This is crazy.
And I'm going to say cake balls.
Cake balls.
Name that movie.
Oh, you think I can't do it?
How many names do you have?
Negative three?
Negative two.
Hey, don't add a negative three, Doug Patrick.
You're just so good at it.
This is a high wire act I'm performing over here.
I don't need you hovering on a string
and like blowing on me to tip me over.
Okay, watch your step.
Would you like the clues again?
Yeah.
You get three names.
But the clues are...
What? No, what?
I'm naming it a negative two names.
Thank God you said that,
because I was
about to start
blurting out names
I can't believe
you're so good at this
it's freaking me out
all I'm doing
is barely paying attention
but it's negative two
negative two names
it's not like quiz show
but I'm gonna give you
the clues again three stars from Mr you clues again. Three stars from
Mr. Leonard Bolton.
Three stars from Leonard Bolton.
2007.
Familiar faces.
Obagi.
Tell me the name of the movie
and the top two billed
performers in the right order.
Do you know if you say Obagi at the beer three times
Quentin Tarantino makes another Kill Bill movie?
But I'm going to do that.
No, don't do it.
I'm going to do it.
I don't want to see it.
Well, feet.
I was right about the feet.
I brought it up on the last show
and everyone was like,
what do you mean the feet?
Uma Thurman's feet.
He got a problem.
Hey, you know,
like what you like.
God love you, but
don't shove it in my face.
Especially if it's a foot.
What do I do?
I give you the title first?
Yes, sir.
It's that movie.
Hot Fudge.
Just to be clear, who challenged you?
Was it Paul F. Tompkins?
Yes.
Okay.
Just want to be clear on that.
Okay, and then what are the top two billed names?
Shia LaBeouf and Nick Frost.
Well, that doesn't matter because the movie is Grindhouse.
Oh, no.
That terrible movie.
I forgot all about it
and how much
I didn't like it.
But let me ask you.
I didn't like it so much
I didn't see it.
Do any of you,
do any of the three of you
think they can guess
the top two billed people
in the right order?
No.
I don't think so.
No.
It's Rose McGowan and Freddy Rodriguez.
Yeah, so all that
bold billing was having me go,
are you kidding me? Are you really gonna
fucking knock this one out and make it happen?
Well,
I've disgraced my family.
I've dishonored
the profession of baking.
And I have no choice but to later on commit ritual suicide
So goodbye everybody from the cake box forever
We're never going to hear from you again?
Nope
How are we going to get ladybug cakes?
I don't know, good luck everybody
Go to the cake assistant, maybe he can sort you out
But the box of cakes is to be no more.
It is time I
depart this mortal realm.
Okay.
Boss.
I haven't even...
I've lost the right
to repeat things that people say
I know it's sad audience
finally a tear jerker episode
that's what the message boards
were saying
not enough sad
so Paula Tompkins
you're our winner
yeah
I won
and we only went over
by about
16 to 21 minutes.
What time were we supposed to finish?
We started a few minutes late.
8.15?
Yeah, it's 8.39.
But we did start about three minutes late, so.
Were we supposed to end at 8.15?
Yeah, it always ends at 8.15.
7.30 to 8.15.
No, it never ends at 8.15.
It gets pretty close sometimes.
On occasion.
All right. If I think it's going to be a long one, I'll warn
Scott Aukerman because I feel bad that we're cutting into...
We are not taking the fall for this.
I agree.
You're supposed to be the captain of this ship.
You think Dan Florek
would put up with this kind of nonsense?
If me and the bell started
straight clowning,
he'd be like, get out of my office.
Go solve some crimes.
Also, if you do a crossover,
say hi to Sam Waterston.
You're not going to fucking believe this.
This is the craziest fucking coincidence.
When I was looking for,
I always do a category, you know, born today.
Sure.
And like Wes Anderson was born today,
but again, that narrows it down to six movies.
And Julie Benz from Dexter and Buff...
Not Buffy, but the other one.
The spinoff show with the dude, Angel.
Joanna Lumley from, you know,
that show over in England.
Well, since we're late, name ten more people.
Absolutely fabulous.
FF.
Right, Cake Boss?
Cake Boss. That does seem like a full-on to say.
FF. FF.
Ooh, I like it.
I am not lying to you. I almost
picked it as a category. Celebrating a birthday
today, 62 years old,
Dan Florek.
You guys have already forgotten that he just mentioned Dan Florek in his SUV riff.
You think I didn't send that guy an edible arrangement today?
Who was it from?
Was it from?
It was from me.
What are you talking about?
But it was an edible arrangement made by Cake Boss?
No. Cake Boss?
Cake Boss? No.
Edible arrangements is fruit.
It's not cake.
They should call those barely edible arrangements, because you want to eat
a bunch of fruit? What is this, school?
Krista wins the prize bag. Where's Krista at?
Where you at with your glasses?
Oh, you do look nice. Yeah, I was worried you might bag. Where's Krista at? Where you at with your glasses? Oh, you do look nice.
Yeah, I was worried you might not.
What's this?
You don't get a shithead because you won.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep your shithead to yourself, shithead.
She does get a cake.
Oh, that's nice, calling a lady a shithead.
Well, I have to do it on many shows.
Surprised we could hear you from inside your suit of armor.
And so there's no shithead on the back of your name tag, Cake Boss.
So could whoever provided, where's Pauline at?
Oh, there you are.
Could you run up here for a second and write down a, let's do some plugs, Paul.
Do you have any?
Yes, I do, Doug.
What's coming up for you?
When does this drop?
This will plop on Friday.
All right. May 12th. Where's coming up for you? This will plop on Friday.
All right.
May 12th.
Saturday, May 12th, I will be going to Minneapolis to return to Pepito's Parkway Theater
to do a new hour of stand-up from the last time I was there.
And then I will be returning to Austin, Texas
the 26th and 27th,
closing out the Austin Sketch Fest
and doing two nights at the 29th Street Ballroom.
All tickets available at paulftompkins.com.
Nice plugs.
Also,
the Pod F TomCast is coming back.
Thanks, everybody.
Would you listen to that iced tea?
Hell no.
I ain't even going to listen to this.
I think most of the guests don't listen to...
don't go listen to the one they were on.
Why would they?
Do you have anything to plug?
SUV coming back in the fall.
FVU coming back in the fall.
Me.
Me and the bells out there cracking heads.
Solving crimes.
Turning it over to order.
Ice tea, everybody.
That is weird.
This whole time you've only really had half a show.
That's right.
It's an easy week.
Cake boss.
Cake boss.
What you got coming up?
Well, in addition to killing myself
because of the shame I've brought to my entire family
all the way back to Italy,
I'm just going to be making some more cakes.
Oh, boy.
Everybody's awestruck by the appearance of the ladybug cake.
Look, I even made some frosted grass.
Don't forget to get your cake, Krista, before you go.
Of course, Krista, you won the cake.
You won the cake.
But I'm going to get a picture of all the guests with the cake.
You won the whole kid and cake poodle.
As soon as I wrap this up.
Let's hear it for my guests, Bob Talkins, Ice-T,
and Cake Boss.
Cake Boss!
And as always,
Charlemers
Charlemers Tea Butter Sauce
is a shithead.
And then it says he knows why.
He does.
And Werner Herzog
is a shithead.
Now it's time we Doug to watch another talkie.
Eyes of gold, his viewing crowd was big.
Zip, cocky, there's no room in his heart for you.
Because Doug loves movies.