Doug Loves Movies - Paul F. Tompkins Guests

Episode Date: March 10, 2007

Paul F. Tompkins returns to the show to discuss 'Ghost Rider,' 'Wild Hogs,' 'The Lives of Others,' and those horrible Oscar billboards.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screening baby sticky seeds With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody, it says right here on this piece of paper That I cleverly wrote on before the show. That was the theme song by Hard and Firm. Let's give it up for Hard and Firm and their

catchy theme song. Catchy like the measles. We're coming to you not live from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles in front of a live audience. There they are. So there's a comments feature on the I Love Movies page on handheldcomedy.com, and I make the mistake of looking at those comments. I don't know what gets over me. I know that something hurtful is going to happen, and yet I still click away.

Let's see what people are saying. So here are two comments I got right after the Sam Levine episode aired. I don't know if aired's not the right word for it, but you get the idea. And these, of course, were written by people who get to hide behind internet anonymity.

Doug, let the man talk, for fuck's sakes. That was one comment. Is the show called Sam Levine's I Love Movies? I don't think so. But it should be. And another person wrote,

for serious, that's how they started, for serious, if I wanted to listen to a bunch of 35-year-old prima donna comedians come dilettantes talk over each other, I'd watch VH1. Okay, first of all, thanks for calling me 35. I appreciate that. Probably hurtful to some of the other guests,

but it was nice for me. And secondly, people don't talk over each other on VH1. They all go one at a time, so I don't know where he got that from. But thanks for listening. My guest today was supposed to be Mary Lynn Reiska, but she's too busy playing someone named Chloe on some show named 24. The guest I got to replace her is moaning in the back.

He's so sad that she's not here. So she couldn't get here on time because saving the world is more important than talking about movies. So in lieu of her, please welcome back to the show one of my favorite 35-year-old comedian-cum-dilettantes, Paul F. Tompkins, everybody! Isn't that a nice surprise? They're excited! They're happy it's you! Thank you for pretending that you're not disappointed!

They're very excited to see you Paul They're very nice people Here's what I love about that dude's comment Is that The idea that first they're prima donna comedians And then That's what they mainly do And then they're like you know what I'm also going to be a dilettante We're not qualified to be a dilettante. It's just such a...

We're not qualified to be dilettantes. It's certainly the only time in the history of the written word that dilettantes and for serious were anywhere near each other in a paragraph. Are you forgetting A Tale of Two Cities? For serious. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times it was the worst of times

really the book on tape read by Michael Rappaport now that same guy who called me and all my guests prima donnas

went on to say in another post he came back for more like he posted once and then went alright wait a second I got more to say also bring the manly and self-assured voices of Odenkirk for more. He posted once and I went, wait a second. I got more to say. Also,

bring the manly and self-assured voices of Odenkirk and Tompkins back. Well, he got his wish. Wow. But he should have used it to get gold or pussy. He shouldn't have wasted it on who the guest is going to be.

You know what else? How about wishing for more wishes? Stupid rookie mistake. Everybody makes it. I wish they wouldn't. Oh shit, I just lost my wishes. He went on to say, I'm sure one of them, meaning Bob Odenkirk

or you, Paul Tompkins, dislikes children of men as much as the rest of us do. The rest of us? So he's speaking for everybody and they all hate Children of Men. It must be Bob

because I really enjoy Children of Men. Yay! That's what I thought you'd say. But don't ever get confirmation on it. I won't.

Let's move on. It's a really good movie, right? I really enjoy it, yeah. Yeah, suck on that guy whose name I didn't write down. Because it was something like some fake, you know, it was one of those internet handles. 10-4, good buddy. Yeah, that's his name.

Suck on that 10-4, good buddy. That would be an awesome handle. It'd be great. CB Lingo. It has to be taken, though, right? My screen name is CB lingo. It has to be taken, though, right? My screen name is CB lingo. Welcome back to I Love Movies, Paul. It's your third appearance on the show, I believe.

Yes. If keeping track is something I would do. Third time is the charm, Doug. Oh, no. A lot of pressure. To be charming. Have you been to the cinema lately? I have.

You charmer? I charmingly went to the cinema. What have you scenified? I saw the movie that is called The Lives of Others. By Dorian von Henkel Donnerschmack. Yes, it's a German film. That's the English title.

In German it's known as Der Lives of Others. That just sounds stupid over here. I apologize. Der Lives of Others. Exactly. You can see why they had to change it. They had to. Who would go see that? Too many people would sound stupid

buying a ticket. Yeah. Der Lives of Others. Please. So, and did you like it? Did it deserve to win over Pan's Labyrinth? It absolutely did. It did.

It absolutely did because The Lives of Others is a bum out that squeaks out somewhat of a

hapified ending. Oh, that's good. Whereas Pan's Labyrinth is kind of a bummer that becomes even more of a bummer by the end. Whereas Pan's Labyrinth is kind of a bummer that becomes even more of a bummer by the end. Yeah.

I think Pan's Labyrinth was very well done. You know, excellently made. I'm glad I saw it. It just creeped me out and I never want to see it again. I don't want to go back and enjoy it again. I was talking to a friend of mine who said, I don't want to see that.

The guy with the eyeballs on his hands. I was like, yeah, that was kind of scary. Good point. If I had seen that before seeing the movie, I wouldn't have gone to see it. But even the one that was kind of friendly and helping her out was just completely creepy looking. How did she not know that he was a monster?

First of all, he looked like one. Secondly, everything he looked like one. Secondly, everything he said sounded suspicious. Like, just go do this and everything's going to be fine. How could you not trust me? Whatever you do, don't eat the plum. Or what was it she wasn't supposed to eat? Anything. She was not supposed to

eat anything at all. And she saw something. He turned out to be right about it. Had to have it. Yeah. But those are the kind of instructions that. He turned out to be right about that. Had to have it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But those are the kind of instructions that, they're not made to be broken. You think it's reverse psychology. Yeah. Well, he probably wants me to eat a strawberry.

She should have had dialogue to that effect. She should have said, well, he said don't do it, but that, I'm not falling for that. Yeah. What is it, you know, clearly. Instead, she was just hungry. Yeah. He wants me to eat something in this skin monster's mansion. But you like The Lives of Others. That's good. The Lives of Others is really good. I want to check it out.

Even though the guy mentioned Arnold Schwarzenegger in his acceptance speech at the Oscars. That was weird. I don't make any sense at weird. I think it's because they're both German, but that's not enough reason. Well, I read up on it. Apparently they have never met, but this guy was inspired by Schwarzenegger's story.

At some point in Schwarzenegger's life, the telling of his life story, he said that you should always ignore people that say you can't do that. And then he struck those words from his language. I guess in both languages. He ignored those words and told himself that nothing was impossible. But then he made a pretty smart movie, though, right? Yeah.

So I think he could have done that anyway. No, he needed Schwarzenegger to say those words. It had to happen the way it happened. Yeah. You could be anything you want. You could teach kindergartners if you want. And be a cop at the same time. You could tell lies that are true. You could remember things perfectly. That's right, total recall, motherfuckers.

You can reduce the sum of action heroes to one. You could not wear underwear. Commando. I still don't know what yours was. Mine was The Last Action Hero. Was it Predator? No, The Last Action Hero. No, for Predator I was going to go

You could be someone desirable to Chris Hansen. That's good. That guy really liked that. He really did. Predator. What about Ghost Rider? Oh my god.

Why is that movie making so much money? We didn't give him any money. We knew better. You know what? I think a lot of people think it's based on a true story. Oh, that's why they're going.

And they're like, I must have missed this story the first time around. Surely I would have seen that on the news. A flaming skull motorcyclist? I should go check out the movie. Nicolas Cage is always good. And I love Eva Mendes. Well, and especially the two of them together,

because there's a flashback where they're in high school together. No. And then they grow up and they're adults together. Did you see it? Because there's a flashback where they're in high school together. No. And then they grow up and they're adults together. Did you see it? Because there's that 13 year bridge

between ages in high school. She was a gifted student. She was a gifted child. Yeah. She was actually she was 12. She was gifted

and gigantic. She was almost Nicolas Cage size when she was 13 years younger than him. I can only hope they play themselves in high school. Then I would see that movie. If they had the balls that Nicolas Cage

plays, okay. Play a high school version of himself. Just digitally reduce him down somehow. Not even. Just a different wig. Just a different wig and different clothes. And make his voice slightly higher, like, I'm in high school!

Well, now you're talking about Peggy Sue Got Married. They did exactly that. At least in that movie, he was maybe 10 years out of high school. Yeah, he was high school playing age. We're used to seeing 28-year-olds as high school students. That's normal. I applaud it. Speaking of true stories, Wild school students. That's normal. I applaud it. Speaking of true stories, Wild Hogs.

Oh boy. Zodiac. Zodiac I want to see. Me too. I want to see Zodiac. 2 hour and 40 minute commitment. My girlfriend wants to see that very much because she loves all those murder shows that are on A&E and everything and 48 Hours and all that.

Like a lot of women. Are there women here who love those true-life murder shows? Are there any women here? Are there women? Yes. Any women at all? I know a lot of women. A lot of women in my life love those murder shows, and they're also definitely afraid of...

They're very paranoid about people breaking in and everything like that. So they need to build up their crazy logic, things that could go bad. I'm terrified of sharks, but I love to watch Shark Week and any kind of shark-related documentary

because it's just like, you're not going to get me. I can look at you, but you'll never see me. You can't come and find me because it means your death. But this, I know she wants to see this movie because it's like a gigantic murder show. It's a two hour and 40 minute murder show.

It really happened. And it's grisly. Well, I was kind of hoping that the Zodiac Killer just kind of wandered off there for a second You might as well have physically Gotten up from the table I was just waiting to change the subject

I was just waiting to get my joke in Get your joke in, Joe Cloles Now it's not going to work We need to be more organic than that Let's talk about Wild Hogs a little bit And then I'll slip it in When nobody's expecting Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha

Wild hogs Who's your favorite wild hog? Between the four Probably John Travolta Because when In the commercial When that bird hits him That's so funny

It's pretty good The other guys get hit with bugs And then he's laughing at them He's laughing at them And then he gets hit with a big old bird Hits him in the chest. Right in the chest. Here's what I like about that is he keeps his cool.

Like I would have ridden off the road. I would have fallen off the motorcycle. A bird hit him in the chest. And he's like, this is unpleasant. He would die. Wild Hogs is one of those movies that... There's so many steps along the way where it could not have been made

and yet people kept making it so many steps like after it was written somebody could have said no then we'd have to cast it and put people in it then after it was cast they could have looked at the cast and said that's a lot of money for very little return and then after the initial table read

they could have said we are in big trouble. Hold the plug! No one's been paid anything yet. After the screening, the first screening, no, even before the first screening, after they see a rough cut, they're like, video straight to DVD?

There's no shame in that. A lot of people do it these days. After the first screening, when people said, are you guys kidding me? They could have said, alright, let's pretend we lost it. After the premiere, they could have burned the theater down. They could have had some oily rags

and a Zippo on hand just in case. Look, we all know this is a big piece of shit. Let's say after the premiere, we burn the theater down. Oh, we left all the prints in there at the premiere, we burned the theater down. Oh, we left all the prints in there! The premiere! But then it made millions of dollars, right?

It did really well. The theory is that fans of each of the leads came out and got burned. That accounts for 75 people, Doug. I know. It is a disparate bunch. It is indeed. came out and got burned. That accounts for 75 people, Doug. I know.

It is a disparate bunch. It is indeed. Of fellows. And then toss in a little Ray Liotta for anyone who's paying attention during the commercials. I can imagine they all have fans that see every movie that they do. No fans that have seen every movie that all of them have done

because they're all in terrible movies. But Tim Allen has people that see every movie that they do. No fans that have seen every movie that all of them have done because they're all in terrible movies. But Tim Allen has people that see every movie that he does because he's in them. I think maybe. For richer for poorer. Zoom. I forgot about Zoom. I forgot about Zoom. Zoom was just like, didn't you already

do a good, like that other one, what was it called? The Star Trek type one? Yeah. Yeah, Galaxy Quest. Which was really very charming. You did Galaxy Quest. It was quite charming. Yes. Really hit it out of the park.

Absolutely, charm-wise. Considering what they had to work with. Yes. A great performance by Tony Shalhoub. Very funny. Yes. That guy's always good. And Rico calling Tony.

Also very good. Good in that. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. I even like that black guy. Blackie? In that movie. Who is the black guy? Oh! The one that since lost the use of his legs?

Why did I bring that up? I wish you could have remembered his name rather than use that descriptor. Jill Mitchell. Gerald Mitchell. Yes, Gerald Mitchell. That's it. Who worked with Marilyn Ricegum on Veronica's Closet? So it's practically like she's here.

Ta-da! We did it. They did not go for that theory at all. No. She'll be here soon, though. Yeah, when she's done pushing someone else's right-wing agenda. On a future date. I said it!

On a future date, we'll have her back. Now, I do a show here in L.A. called The Benson Interruption on the last Thursday of every month. Oh, that sounds like fun. Yeah, well, you're often in it. Am I really? So it's a ball.

Gotta pay more attention. This last time that we did it was during the hot, hot, hot, hot Oscar season. Oscars, I call them. And there were billboards all over town that you spoke of how much you were annoyed by them. Yes, I'm glad that you brought this up. It was a terrible, lazy campaign by the Academy to get people to watch. Or by ABC, I don't know, but they were obviously in collusion.

To get people to watch the Oscars. Because you know how a lot of people don't watch them. And then they said, how do we get people interested in our Oscar broadcast? So all over Los Angeles they had these billboards that had famous quotes from Oscar winning movies. I hear they put them up in other cities as well. Did they really? I've heard that, yes. Oh, I'm sorry other cities.

But it would be things like, I'm king of the world. Which of course is from Which is from Titanic Oh I was going to guess Disorderlies A lot of people forget It won for best adapted screenplay Buried treasure It was based on Oliver Twist

So you know frankly my dear I don't give a damn that to me was like wow you're really going to go and put a gone with the wind quote your famous quote oh that's right that did come from a movie is that the feeling people were supposed to get

maybe I do like the movies after all but the worst one was for Silence of the Lambs, the quote was, good evening, Clarice. That's out of all... Hello, other character in the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Out of all the... Wow. Out of all the... Such screenwriting. Many, many quotable lines from that movie, because that is an incredibly quotable movie. They go with good evening, Clarice. I'm not even sure that those two characters talk to each other

in the evening time, first of all. But my vote for the quote that they should have put from Silence of the Lambs is a fantastic quote. It's a perfect marriage of writing and delivery by the actor.

Ted Levine. Jodie Foster goes to Ted Levine's house. He's the real killer. The FBI is off somewhere else. She's going to talk to him. She's asking him if he knows anything about the disappearance of this girl. He's stonewalling her, not giving her any kind of info.

He's about to close the door. Then he goes, Oh, wait. Was she a great big fat person? That's your billboard. Who wouldn't be delighted driving home from work and you're like, my day sucked. Oh wait, was she a great big fat person?

Thank you, Academy. I will watch the Oscars this year. I told you, the line I think they should have used and I'm paraphrasing because I don't know exactly how it goes is help me put this couch into this van you about a size 18 the answer with the cast good but so that got me going on This is my Now I do an impression of that guy

And this is how it goes This is my impression of that guy If when he had that lady Down in the well in his basement If he didn't have a bucket This is the serial killer If he didn't have a bucket Toss that lotion up here this is the serial killer, if he didn't have a bucket.

Toss that lotion up here. A little help. A little help. Good arm. That's how it ends. Good arm. Will people at home... I can't wait to take the skin off of that arm. Will people listening to the podcast

know which of us was which? They might. They might think it was one person doing the whole thing. But if they come out and see me live, they're going to see that part. It's going to be all me. I'm nodding. I love it.

Yeah, he's nodding. He's approval. Oh, my God. You ready to play the litter ball game? Oh, my God. I got so excited about the litter ball game, I had a bile rush. Oh, man. Did you see Bile Rush 3 with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan?

It was really good. That's the bile-iest of the trilogy. Yeah, let's play the Litter-Mon play it. I'm ready to play it. Do you want to ask or be asked? Ask me. Okay. I haven't done well. I'm 0 for 2, right?

I don't keep track of that. I do. I'm very competitive, Doug. You're 0 for 2? That means I lost both times. Okay. Well, I'm not going to give you... I'm not going to pull a Zach Galifianakis whip out

Prom night 2 Hello Mary Lou or whatever it was called Goodbye Mary Lou or something like that Goodbye probably makes more sense Probably And So basically Just to quickly explain how this works

I will read the Cast of a movie from the bottom up. Give the year first. Always forget that. I remember that you always forget. So you remember. You remember to always remember. We're like an old married podcast couple.

Actually, that's kind of chilly. I could use a shawl. He's always cold. So I'm going to list the names from the bottom and Paul will try to stop me when he thinks he can guess it and and I will hopefully he'll get it by the time we get to the top name God I hope so here we go actually I'm gonna give you the top name first cuz I don't think it gives it away. The year is 1981. It's 87 minutes long.

Wow, they really went all out. And Leonard Maltin calls it a bomb. Jeremy Joe Kronsberg is the lead actor. No! But I would have heard of this movie? Even though it stars Jeremy Joe Kronsberg.

There's some other big names in this movie that I'm going to tell you about now. Joseph Marr. Joe Marr was in it. Art Matrano. Oh, I know who that guy is. Danny DeVito. Is it Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? No.

Okay, keep going I paused to make it really suspenseful Thank you Stacey Nelken Jessica Walter Okay, I'm going to go back and say one of the names again And then the other name And then I think you will

Get it Is it Okay, do what you're... Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito. Tony Danza. Oh, go an ape. That's right.

I didn't even go an ape. Go an ape. Go an ape. Go an ape for some reason. You didn't. That's what I'm saying. I thought the combo of Danny DeVito and Tony Danza would sell it for you. But wait, the top guy is Jeremy Joe Cronsberg?

Jeremy Joe Cronsberg. He must have been the kid who owns the ape. Was he? Or a really weird name for an ape. It would be a good one. Why not give him first and last names? And a middle name, like he couldn't get into SAG without the middle name. Oh, there's another right.

Oh, there's a Jeremy Kronsberg already working? He's a lemur. I'm Jeremy Joe Kronsberg. All right, your turn. That was good work, Paul. No, it wasn't. No, because people in the audience weren't squirming, and it was a hard one, so you got it at the right time.

That's the criteria for a good job. People weren't squirming. There's one guy a couple episodes ago got mad and walked out because we weren't getting it right quick enough. Hold on a second. This is not... He has Beetlejuice as two words. Beet on a second. This is not... He has Beetlejuice

as two words. Beetlejuice. I'm pretty sure that was all one word. Was it not? I think so. Does anyone care? Not even me?

Look up CP also has Batman. Let's see. Maybe he has it in for Tim Burton movies And that's his subtle way of fucking with him Planet of the Apes is one word, look it up Alright, you might get this one fairly quickly

Maybe not Because who knows what goes on inside your fucking Swiss cheese brain That was uncalled for Alright, here we go It's true though, I do smoke a lot of Swiss cheese Doug, let's get in the time machine And go back to 1982 A year after Going Ape

When a movie came out A nation still reeling from 12 months after the world First met Jeremy Joe Cronsberg It bested the running time By 2 minutes for a total of 89 minutes. Okay. And Leonard Maltin gives it two stars.

I'm guessing it's an attempted comedy. At 89 minutes? Well, we'll see. Okay. Attempted comedy. But no arrests have been made. Your last name. Frank McCarthy.

Okay, keep going going Keep going? Yeah I'm not gonna guess I'm not gonna guess Just based on Frank McCarthy I imagine at this point Everyone knows who it is I'm thinking it might be Good night and good luck

Oh that was Joe McCarthy Keep going Does he get a screen credit In that movie? He should right? He plays himself He's doing a lot George Gaines

Oh he was From the Police Academy films And Pug Keeper a screen credit in that movie? He should, right? He plays himself. George Gaines. Oh, he was from the Police Academy films. And Punky Brewster. Carl Reiner. Oh. Heard of that name. Rini Santoni. The guy that didn't wash his hands on Seinfeld?

That's right, Poppy. There's two more left. Wow. And the director. Second star, Rachel Ward. Oh, I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it. And it's actually pretty funny. Is two stars not fair in your assessment?

I don't know. It depends on what you think it is. I think it's Dead Men Don't Wear Plants. That's correct! That was a funny movie, I thought. Yeah, it was fun. It kind of ran out of steam in its 89 minutes, but

for a while it was fun. Here's what Leonard says. A one-joke movie based on 1940s film novella dramas had Detective Martin interacting with clips from various vintage films in a very live client Princey's Ward. Fun at first but with no story and cardboard characters. It wears thin fast.

Film buffs will enjoy it more than the average viewer. Dedicated to famed costume designer Edith Head, whose final film this was. But it is a one joke movie, but for a one joke movie, it's only so long, and there's a lot of funny gags in it and stuff that aren't just the film clips,

but, you know. But that also is part of the fun, is that as soon as you start to think about how the clips are what they are, and then he has to jump in and make it make some sort of sense, it's pretty fun. And that one joke is done really, really well.

Yeah, for a Carl Reiner movie, because usually his movies look like shit. Summer Rental? You know, so that one with the pirate? Remember Kurt Russell as a pirate? Captain Ron. Between the two of us,

Paul and I know about every movie ever made But we don't have all of the information It's true, although I don't do well with the game Which bothers me Oh, Captain Ron, he calls an out-and-out bomb And he capitalizes the title Yuppies Get Away From It All

The phrase, let yuppies get away from it all by taking an inherited sailboat As if that was a genre of film for a while Yuppies Get away from it all. The phrase, let yuppies get away from it all by taking an inherited sailboat, as if that was a genre of film for a while. Yuppies get away from it all. It's a classic yuppies get away from it all story. This time on a ship. With a pirate named Ron.

Who's elevated to the rank of captain. Do you have anything you'd like to plug, Paul, before we say my closing line? Shit. I'm headed to Do you have anything you'd like to plug, Paul, before we save my closing line? I'm headed to Arlington, Virginia soon. I'm headed to two cities I've never been to before. You played the draft house in Arlington?

I hear it's a good game. And I believe you're there not long after me. But soon enough that I can't plug it on this particular podcast because people will hear this after. So I hope they enjoyed me when I was there. I hope you enjoyed Doug and I hope if he didn't leave a bad taste in your mouth you'll come back and see Paul. I hear it's a good venue. I hear it's a good venue too.

So I'm looking forward to that. What's the other one? The other one is I'm going to Chicago and I can't remember. Oh, it's called The People Under the Stairs. S-T-A-R-E-S is the name of the show. The name of the venue, I don't recall. But hey, Chicago, you've got access to computers.

Are you going to be under the stairs? No, people will be staring at me. Oh, I get it. I will be one of the people under the stairs of the audience. And that's how many nights do you do that for? One. It's in and out. One stair-filled night.

It's in and out. These people are looking at me. I've got to get out of here. Come down and stare at me. It's in and out. One scare-filled night. It's in and out. These people are looking at me. I've got to get out of here. Come down and stare at me. All right. Paul F. Tompkins, everybody. Thanks, everybody. Don't forget to watch 24.

Until next time, this is Doug Benson saying, Willem Dafoe is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you, cause Doug loves movies!