Doug Loves Movies - Sean Jordan, Trey Galyon and an audience member guest
Episode Date: July 3, 2017Live from the Improv in Kansas City, MO, Doug welcomes Sean Jordan, Trey Galyon and an audience member to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notic...e at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Enjoy the show! Hey everybody, producer Ryan here. Just a heads up that the audio on this episode,
once again, is not the best.
Doug and the guests sound okay, but the audience mics are a little wonky.
We tried to clean it up as much as possible, but it still sounds a little off,
so apologies in advance, and please enjoy the show.
Doug hates candy wrappers screaming baby sticky seeds
With 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth
There's still not one that he won't see
Cause Doug loves movies! Hey everybody
This is the worst puzzle
I don't like You know any of those kind of puzzles where you have to just untangle shit.
I never enjoy it.
And that's the end of that now.
My name is Doug, and I love movies.
Yes, I love movies.
Oh, no.
Okay, that's not where you're supposed to say yeah.
And it's definitely not a time for a mic drop.
That wasn't that triumphant.
Oh, my goodness.
All right, so I'm going to get this right eventually.
There it is. Okay, coming to you once again for the first time that anyone will hear,
from the home of a lost episode of Doug Loves Movies,
it's the improv in Kansas City, Missouri!
Missouri!
Holy shit.
We're trying it again.
I was trying to remember.
Who was at that show?
Anybody here at that show?
So it was Adam Ferrara.
Oh, wait.
Wait, was that somewhere else?
Oh, one time here we did get it recorded.
Okay.
The stand up show didn't get recorded?
I hope not. That's how it's
that's how it's supposed to work.
I hope you're all not running out of here all bootleg
pants tonight.
Hurry we gotta get to the car. I've got a bootleg in my pants. What?
It's Sunday, July 2nd, 2017, and I do recall some amazing name tags,
some of which I've seen on the Internet today.
So, yeah, exactly.
Oh, no.
I should have got my phone out for that.
I'll take my phone out later when they all get raised up again
because it's a pretty impressive sight from where I'm at.
Where's the person who had Tito's
taped to their side and the club
confiscated it?
Oh, you got yours in? Oh, shit.
Wow.
I feel really safe now.
This place is
run just like the TSA.
Don't worry.
Only 90% of the weapons get through.
It's not a big problem.
So there's this huge Whoopi Goldberg face
that cannot be denied,
and then a sign next to it that says
Patrick Swayze's ghost says pick Brad.
Could you imagine if you could really get
Whoopi Goldberg to show up sometime
and be like, I'm having a psychic vision, and you should pick...
Wait a second, though.
She's a fictional character, and Patrick Swayze was real.
Yeah, so I don't approve of any of it.
I saw Dead Joe at Society on
Twitter today, and he announced
that he's going to retire this one
after this appearance.
You got any ideas? Can you give us
a sneak preview, Joe, of what
other title you would throw Joe into?
No?
I got one
for you. Joe
Better Blues.
That would be so stupid.
Put your big white face on that poster.
We got a Davey Driver.
I like anything Davey Driver related.
$30 million, Davey Driver made this weekend.
Yeah, so good for Edgar.
Off to a really great start.
All right, there's lots of great ones.
Somebody's holding up two.
I don't know if that's fair.
One's got booze on it and one doesn't.
So I'll describe the one that has the booze on it.
Taylor of the Rings, because your name is Taylor.
The two Taylors. you got your name in there twice
good for you
I don't think you got any of the guests
on the show correct but
there's a lot of good guesses on there
so congratulations
hey here's something I'll tell you guys in secret
promise that you don't tell anybody
you can put the name tags down.
Done with that part.
I got a message from TJ Miller today saying that he
finally is willing to smoke
marijuana with me on camera.
Now we'll see if it really happens
because he's perfectly willing to come on Doug Loves Movies
And he hasn't been on in years
So, you know, just because he's saying he'll do it
I mean, there's a lot of things he probably would do
But can he get to all of them?
He's super busy
But I'm excited about that
All right, Doug Plugs
What's coming up?
Wednesday night, this Wednesday, July 5th, I am at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City.
And always excited to do stand-up comedy there and play Last Man Stanton with audience members who bring name tags.
And then Doug Loves Movies is back in L.A. on Saturday, July 8th at Meltdown Comics at 420.
back in LA on Saturday,
July 8th at Meltdown Comics at 420.
And my Dabs Day show this year
is at the Punchline in Sacramento.
So that's July 10th.
Dabs Day.
We've got three people
here who celebrate it.
Less celebrated
than Kwanzaa.
But that's the thing you've got to remember
because people always forget because my fans
have a lot of activities
they're involved in that don't help
them to remember things.
Bring your name tags
to my stand-up shows
if you want to play, if you want to get up
on stage and see how hard it is to play these games.
Oh, also, at the
end of last Monday's Douglas
Movies in New York City with
Edgar Wright, 65 audience
members bought their tickets for the next
show at the Gramercy on Monday, July
31st, so there's only
335 tickets left.
Probably less
than that, but that was a math
when I decided to write that down
and thought that would be good to share with you guys.
I brought a Gap bag because I bought some Gap stuff,
and so that became the prize bag.
And, you know, I apologize, but, you know, the road the last couple weeks
has been kind of rough.
And like yesterday, I spent all day traveling and not getting to do anything else.
But it was worth it because I finally got here.
But here's like a cookie from the hotel.
It's not going to just be a bunch of hotel shit.
But, you know, some wet wipes if you eat some barbecue in a place that doesn't provide them.
You can be like, don't worry, I got this.
A copy of my CD promotional tool.
This is from a hotel room in New York.
This is New York City's original city guide.
So you can read up before you go to New York
instead of a lot of people just
getting to the hotel and then realizing oh there's so much to learn and oh this is another thing i
got uh uh i think i got this on the train i think amtrak gives these out a cashy uh honey almond Almond flax chewy granola bar. Did I pronounce that right? Is it Kashi?
Kashi, Kashi.
Tomato, tomato.
And three throw nuts that were part of a box of throw nuts donated in,
I believe it was Boston, because, you know,
it came in a Dunkin' Donuts looking box.
So all of that, plus the stuff my guest brought.
But here is an interesting thing that I wanted to try because I know a lot of you guys listen to this podcast and you're fans and, you know,
you don't get to see it live very often.
I guess by our count earlier this might be the second time.
Third?
Okay.
Third, and we're not bitter about it.
We'll take as many as we can get.
I was reminiscing today because I was down by the Alamo Draft House here downtown,
and I was reminiscing while I was smoking weed in the parking lot where we did a roller derby demonstration.
Did you go to that?
That was super fun.
So I've promised the Alamo Draft House here in town that I will –
I think they've got some sort of anniversary thing coming up or something.
So I'm going to do something there hopefully sometime soon.
Yeah.
there hopefully sometime soon.
Yeah.
I didn't do anything there this weekend because, well,
first of all, yesterday I ended up getting fucked anyway,
but I didn't know.
Oh.
Wait, is that like my
wife or something?
Like anytime
somebody says something's fucked, you go, all right.
That is fucked.
All right.
Anyway, long story short, I'm going to go see Baby Driver every day while I'm here.
And I'm also going to go see a couple of concerts.
I get to see my friends see a couple of concerts.
I get to see my friends, Dirty Heads,
Dirty Heads tonight,
and then 311 tomorrow night.
Both at Crossroads KC,
which I hear is the best concert venue for people who like a parking lot behind a thing.
I hear it's pretty basic.
But I'm excited to see those bands there and to check it out in general.
But so I brought two of the regular guests on the show to be with us here today.
But I've had this requested of me often,
and today I want to
pay it off and actually try it
someone in the audience
today is going to be our third guest
for the entire show
yeah
that's
here comes the hard part
everybody undress
no
here comes the part where i get hard everybody
here comes everybody uh let's uh let's narrow it down to the people who brought name tags
that seems legit now before you raise up your name tag it means that you first of all want
to compete briefly against two other people
to determine who will go on to be the guest.
Then you will join my other two guests for the entire show.
You will have to pull something from out of your pockets
to put in the prize bag.
And this is the most important thing of all.
If you don't know how the games work,
we are going to ridicule you.
The listeners will despise you.
So with all that in account, take it into account.
Oh, also, please don't be drunk.
That's what I do on this show.
No, you can drink.
I don't care.
But there was a sign backstage at a club I played recently
where it said you can't bring anybody from the audience up on stage.
And so when I got here, I double-checked.
I said, can I bring somebody up on stage?
And they said, okay.
As I was telling that story, I thought I'd think of a funny way for it to end.
And then I just went with what actually happened, which isn't that funny.
All right, so now lift up your name tags if you feel you meet all that criteria.
I think we cut out a few people just by having that description.
All right, well, Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg,
I have to bring this guy up here because we talked about that one already.
I still think the double name tags
thing is cheating.
I think there's a man over here holding up
something so tiny that I don't know how
he has the nerve
to hold it up. So can you
come up here? Will you participate?
this guy's yelling things
that I would recognize.
And
what?
Pick a girl is what I'm trying to do.
Where's a good girl named Tay?
Oh, my goodness.
She sounds a little unhinged and perfect for our needs today.
Yeah, don't dance around anymore.
Just come on up here.
Come on down.
You're the next contestant all
right here she comes so we got Brad and what's that tiny thing you were holding
up oh it's a little weed in it it's a little put youryour-weed-in-it container, a little rubber thing there,
and you're just teasing me by just showing me it.
All right.
Well, so each of you grab a microphone and have a seat.
What's your name then?
Because that's not really a name tag.
Your name's not on it.
My name's Daniel Newman.
Daniel?
All right.
Get the mic in close to your face there so we can all hear you.
So let's tell us about your name tag down there because we didn't talk about this one.
It's kind of small, but it looks good.
I got one of my coworkers to make this because he's better at Photoshop.
My name is Blair, and this is Blair Bud.
Blair Bud.
Yeah.
And my face is on the doggies.
You're the dog.
If he broke his neck while he was trying to
jump off of a big pile of weed.
I just want to make you look real good, Doug.
That is the worst basketball court for a doggie.
It's all weed all over the place.
He's going to
spray an ankle
on that awesome weed.
Well, good job, Blair.
You're screaming in the back.
I got you up here.
I'm happy to be a lady and end up here.
You will not be ignored.
Thank you.
Yeah, I like that about you.
But I'm not going to talk to you guys anymore
because we don't need to get to know you better
only to send you away.
Only one of you is going to get to remain,
and we're going to choose the winner by playing a little Last Man Stanton.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where is Mrs. Brown Gravy?
Woo!
Mrs. Brown Gravy.
What's your actual name?
Haley?
All right, Haley Brown Gravy.
You reached out to me and said,
I've got a good name for Last Man's Den if you play it today. And so what would you like these three folks to play?
Any name you want.
If it's a terrible one, I say let's do it.
I don't want this to last.
I don't want this to take forever.
What do you got?
Sean William Scott.
I love it.
I love it.
Let's get this over with.
Shit.
Okay, I'm going to play
two and I'm going to be your worst nightmares,
you guys.
Because I'm going to go first and then
we're going to go to... What's your name again?
See, you don't have a name tag.
Daniel. Daniel. See, I'll never remember that.
At the very least, it should be one of your tattoos.
Are you in the middle of of a memento situation?
Are you using those as clues to guide your life?
Yeah, basically, you know, just a meltdown.
Something's like, what do I do now?
Oh, let's get a tattoo.
All right.
Well, I've talked to you too much again.
Or maybe for the first time and the last time.
Daniel, good luck.
You're going to go first.
Then we're going to go to Brad,. Then we're going to go to Brad.
And then we're going to go to Blair.
Because it's in alphabetical order, not really.
It's the exact opposite of alphabetical order, as it turns out.
But I get to go first, and I get to say American Pie.
Role models.
Old school. American Pie. Role models. Old school.
American Pie 2.
Goon.
Goon 2.
I'll chew it, devil. I'll give it to you
because it's open in Canada, but we haven't
seen it in the States yet.
Brad, are you tapping already?
You know you always say that it's harder when you get up here.
Right.
That is accurate.
Yeah.
No lifelines.
Did he make a cameo in American Pie Bandcamp?
What?
The one with his brother?
I don't, you know, if you don't think he did, I'm sure I don't.
I did.
I remember it.
I remember him there.
I mean, that's kind of a, you know, it's an interesting pull to go band camp.
But I don't know if he made a cameo in it or not.
So based on that, I'm going to dismiss you.
Okay.
Yeah, thank you.
Pack up your knives and go.
Thank you.
This is all just me attempting to get my own reality show.
People just get dismissed arbitrarily.
Do you have one, Blair?
Use your microphone.
I'm confusing him with Steve Zahn right now.
Oh.
Yeah.
They're both great in their own ways.
Oh, man.
I would argue that Steve Zahn is better.
Steve Zahn is supposedly incredible in War of the Planet of the Apes.
Like Oscar caliber performance.
That's what I'm hearing.
And maybe finally a motion capture nomination
for What's His Nuts. Yes, Three Ring Circus. You got anything, Blair?
I don't think I do, Doug. I'm sorry.
Okay, but thank you for playing.
Congratulations.
I'm watching GLOW right now
and you'd make a good heel because you got up here
you don't have the name tag
and you kicked everybody's asses
and now we all hate you
it's the weed
we didn't say the rundown
did we?
what else you got?
American Wedding, the third American Pie
yeah sure
if you say so seems like he'd come around and be like Yes, you got. American Wedding, the third American Pie. Yeah, sure.
If you say so.
Seems like he'd come around and be like, ah!
He was always pointing and laughing at people.
That was his whole character.
Drax is like that.
All right, so Daniel, I finally remembered it. So you finally made an impression on me because he is going to remain.
What's your last name again?
Newman.
Daniel Newman.
All right.
Newman.
You never get tired of that, I bet.
Nope.
I'm glad that show Benson was from too long ago now.
People have stopped saying it.
But for a while it was all black governor jokes or whatever the fuck he was he was definitely black he was the assistant to the governor and
then eventually he became a governor i think benson what are you gonna do um all right so
daniel newman uh please uh go stand over there on the side and I will introduce
you with the other guests like you're
a real guest on the show.
Right on, dude.
You can sit wherever you want and
please zip up your fly.
Can I tell you the story about that?
There's a story?
Does it involve
movies?
Shut the fuck up. There's a story? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Does it involve movies? If it gets...
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
These microphones refuse to each be on a separate chair.
What a nightmarish magic trick in my party, too.
One of these dudes had a really tough time flying with me yesterday.
We both were stuck in planes, on and off planes,
and it looked like we weren't going to make it here.
And then the other one jetted out from the coast today with no problems.
jetted out from the coast today with no problems and then of course the third guest might be one of the best first-time guests ever please give a big
warm welcome to Daniel Newman Shawn Jordan and Trey Galliola There.
Appreciate that.
You look a lot tougher than you sound.
Thank you.
You're welcome. Really?
Yeah. Well,
Sean was, you know,
listening to the show through a door,
so you didn't know what this guy looked like
until just now, right?
True story.
I'd agree with that, and I did know what he looked like.
Yeah, because you look
pretty wussy, dude, and I didn't hear you
at all. Saying wussy makes
you sound wussier. Does it really?
Is it because of my slight
lisp?
You haven't had that all day.
Just comes out when I'm high.
Oh yeah, that's one thing I probably shouldn't start the show You haven't had that all day. Just comes out when I'm high. Oh, yeah.
That's one thing.
I probably shouldn't start the show 10 minutes after 420 because you're probably higher than usual today.
No, we're good.
Okay.
Yeah, same amount of highness.
Let's meet them individually.
Sean Jordan is here.
Fourth most frequent guest on the show of all time.
Really?
Nope.
Just sounded good.
I thought I'd say it.
I like it. Seems in the ballpark.
Hell yeah.
You're on a lot.
It's always good to have you.
I'm thrilled.
I like being in Kansas City.
My favorite skateboarder in the world is from Kansas City.
God damn right, Sean Malto.
Let's all tweet at Sean Malto and have him respond to me somehow.
That'd be the best thing in the world.
Nothing to do with movies.
I get that, but I'm wearing his name on my shirt.
And it says Casey.
Oh, she didn't even know this dude?
No, if I knew him, I'd be hanging out with him right now.
Wow.
That's not true at all. Daniel and I would be hanging out with him right now. Wow. That's not true at all.
Daniel and I would be hanging out with him.
Hell yeah.
Dick.
I can't think quickly enough of an M word
from the skating world.
What's the M expression in the skating world
that begins with the letter M?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Okay.
Could I have another Jameson? Is that an M word that's in the skate world?
I mean, there's an M in there.
You already had too much, if that's what you think.
I can't think of another M word. No, I don't know.
But anyway, yeah, I'm stoked to be here.
I was going to have some fun with that if we could think of one, but then we didn't.
Monster 540, man.
Whenever somebody tries to talk about skateboarding and they don't skateboard, they sound like such a
fucking chode.
That's why I tried to ask you
for a skateboarding word.
Give me three or four examples
of skateboarding words. You know what I mean, right?
Yeah, like gnarly and stuff.
No, like what the tricks are called,
what the different parts of the skateboard.
A McTwist. A McTwist would be an M word.
There you go.
And what's the dude's name?
Mike McGill.
Sean. So you'd go on his
podcast.
Sean loves McTwists.
I know it wasn't worth it
but if we got there quicker
I can't believe I couldn't think of McTwists.
Such a dope word.
There you go.
We'll see. Trey Gallion is here everybody. I can't believe I couldn't think of McTwist. Such a dope word. Yeah, there you go. Well, I don't know.
We'll see.
Trey Galleon is here, everybody.
Hey, Kansas City.
How'd you like that Hampton Inn at the airport in Denver last night?
The Hampton Inn nowhere near the airport in Denver?
Denver is very, you know, there's lots know we're near the airport in denver denver is very uh you know
there's lots of conspiracy theories about the airport and uh i'm starting to believe them
because nothing can exist near their airport yeah there is it's very precious there's like
80 shit you're like take me to the airport hotel and it is a fucking 10 mile drive
to get to a cluster of hotels that also have a bunch of fine restaurants.
Right?
Yes, yes.
Urban.
Let's stay open late.
They've got an urban sombrero.
Urban sombrero that the staff at the hotel couldn't pronounce.
Maybe in that neighborhood they pronounce it the way they were pronounced.
Urban socero?
What?
There's an urban socero down the street. Urban Cicero? What? There's an Urban Solero now over down the street.
What the fuck are you saying?
And does Seinfeld make money off of the place being called Urban Sombrero?
I don't know.
I don't know either.
That's why I asked.
So Trey and I had a miserable travel day yesterday, but it had its bright spots.
Yeah, we got to see the creepy Mustang in front of the Denver airport.
The big blue horse with the red eyes.
He's obsessed with that thing because it fell over on its creator and killed him, apparently.
Yeah, and then they still put it up.
They still put it up there.
And it's a scary blue horse with red eyes.
Yeah, go buy that thing.
As you're going to the airport.
That happened right after you watched Zeitgeist for the first time. What? And it's a scary blue horse with red eyes. Yeah, go buy that. As you're going to the airport. Uh-huh.
That happened right after you watched Zeitgeist for the first time.
What?
I could change your world, dude.
Really?
I'm not going to do it.
All right.
I'm going to watch Zeitgeist and then go sculpt a horse.
I've probably seen that horse a dozen times coming in and out of that airport.
I'm probably always just like, oh, big horse.
And then Trey really opened up my eyes to the world of that horse.
I still don't know what you're talking about. Creepy.
Yeah, it's awesome. It's right in front.
It's all, rah, with the
red eyes. They light
up. They light.
Go check it out, man. You sure you weren't at the circus
or something? No, I'm pretty sure I was
in front of the circus. No, and then the actual building,
the airport in Denver, looks like a fucking
circus. It's like a circus tent part of it.
Yeah, it does. Or at least Cirque du Soleil.
Let's say hello once again to
our new friend.
Daniel Newman is here!
Woo!
Woo!
I can't be a dick.
Sooner or later, we're're gonna be friends
later
there's no reason to rush it
yeah we'll get to it
so I warned you about
that you'd have to give something up for the prize
bag and
you know we don't
necessarily want your weed
oh yeah I can smell it, though.
Oh, I think that's mine.
Might be.
Straight from the airport.
Yeah.
Now I can smell it.
Gotta be cool, man.
Well, yeah, I smelled it whenever you walked in.
I was jealous.
What do you want to give up, sir?
I'll give up some cash. Does that work? Oh, I smelled it whenever you walked in. I was jealous. What do you want to give up, sir? I'll give up some cash.
Does that work?
Oh, I like it.
How high is he going to go, everybody?
Well, it ain't going to go that high.
I'm broke.
I see a $1 bill right out of the gate.
Wait, what are we doing?
What are we doing?
Holy shit.
Is this all your cash?
It's all of it.
This is all of his cash.
$4.
Playboy right here.
My smoothie at the airport on the way here
costs more than that, and I'm broke too.
If I won this, I'd go home and
throw it on the bed, roll around it.
This
is no ordinary
love.
No ordinary love.
His fly really is down.
Oh, it's broken. There's a story behind it. I don't want to hear
the story.
That'd just be a funny thing to say to a lady if she goes,
your fly's down. Yeah, and there's a story behind it.
It's actually work. That you're going to tell tomorrow.
Your fly's down. Yeah, I know.
Goddamn right it is.
Alright, you guys. How are we doing on time here? Yeah, we know. Goddamn right it is. Alright, you guys.
How are we doing on time here?
Yeah, we're good.
Did you guys already cover this?
We're good.
No, he didn't want to hear it.
He told me to fuck off, so I left.
No, that was probably smart.
Don't push it, Sean, please.
Yeah.
Why is your fly down?
Oh, it's broken
Wow what a storyteller
Holy shit
Way to go Sean that was awesome
Look out Mark Twain
There's another storyteller in town
I thought it was a riveting story
Hey man if we got time later
Could you tell us that story again about your dumb fly?
I would love to.
Oh, my God.
I would love to.
Daniel, I paid for the whole seat,
but I'm only going to need the edge if you keep telling more nail biters like that.
I might pass out.
Okay, so Hell yeah
I wish it was you, Brad and Blair
No
Daniel's still gonna beat Trey
Whoa
Are you talking about
reigning 12 guests of Christmas
New York City champion Trey Galleon?
Yeah, the very same.
You did look into that.
I totally looked into that.
Thank God Pastor Nat couldn't pick up that movie.
I love it.
What do you got for the prize bag, Trey?
Oh, all right.
I've got...
I wasn't staying with...
Women love that ass.
You likey, come see me later.
This is my least favorite
of the barf bags, which is United's
barf bag, because it's
just really plain.
It just has poor motion sickness
and refuse.
Whatever refuse happens to be to you.
Anything that your body refuses.
And then a copy of my CD, The Moronic.
I know.
Look, once you get past the first 10 minutes, the rest is pretty all right.
The first 10 minutes are a little rough.
The first 10 minutes are a little rough.
And then I brought the safety card from our United Flight Airplane A319.
It's what we flew in on, all three of us, on the same flight.
And so we all signed it and stuff.
So you can have that, too.
Oh, you're welcome.
I wrote on it, Control your mall town!
Oh, third place didn't sign it, though,
because why the fuck do you need third place's signature on there?
Hey, I agree with you.
There is no trophy for third place.
What?
Trey, I would like him to sign it. Oh, now we're going to...
I didn't bring the Sharpie.
I did.
Oh, shit.
All right, but you have to sign it third place.
I think you should put, fuck you, Trey, on there.
I mean, that would...
You can.
No one's going to stop you.
That would be a pretty good one.
You totally can, dude.
It'd be fun to just fill this bag, like, during the flight, just fill it with a lot
of random things
and then just close up the top
and then just smile and hand it to
the flight attendant
as you walk off the plane
Like kind of forcefully, like here, take it
Kind of like drop it
when she's like
I think at that point they'd want you to take your own
You gotta give her a good enough smile to where
she's tempted to be like, what the fuck did he
put in here?
What's she gonna be excited about?
I mean, you know.
Just watch it on E3. Check it out.
Not if I do it with a smile.
Oh my god, give it to me.
Give me that mystery bag of shit.
That's the result I'm looking for.
Oh, I need.
But only from the lady stewardesses.
They're called stewards otherwise.
I got what I just did.
Alright, what do you got for us there, Sean?
I bought what I imagine
would make a fun 4th of July.
I got some
candy, Sour Patch Kids and Starburst.
Yeah.
I don't think you ever don't
bring Sour Patch Kids.
Look at that hat.
Whoa.
That's a
Make USA the USA again hat.
It is not, is it?
No. Jesus.
You didn't get what I did.
I changed anyway.
I'm pretty stupid, Doug.
I got a back scratcher that extends.
Check this shit out.
Oh, wow.
I'm going to glue my phone to it and use it as a selfie stick.
If you scratch your back with it, that's fine.
And then I think I got one of those candles that keeps mosquitoes away, but I don't know.
I think.
What?
I don't know.
I thought it was a candle that keeps bugs away.
But either way, it's a candle.
A citronella candle?
That makes sense.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So you can sit in a bug-less world with your dope new lid and your back scratcher and your
candy and have a fun little fourth.
And listen to Trey's amazing album. Stop. Since since it do you ever call yourself dr trey
it's slightly above meteor ochre no huh i think you should sell all those items together on the
internet sean and just call it like sean's sad celebration package with my cd in there the best
sad celebration you'll ever have.
You may be alone, but this is really going to make your day.
I like the idea, but I don't know how well it's going to sell
if I throw sad in there.
Maybe like exciting or super dope or buck or something.
Or sad, fuck me.
Yeah, my sad fourth.
Daniel, say something.
I'll be with you.
Yeah, I'll hang out with you.
We can eat Sour Patch Kids.
I was liking
how little Daniel was talking.
We're going to make Daniel
a new zipper on Sour Patch Kids.
Can we do that?
Yeah, I'm down with that.
All right, but all this stuff in this bag is going home with somebody I was super into it, man. Can we do that? Yeah, I'm down with that.
All right.
But all this stuff in this bag is going home with somebody today.
So good luck to all of you.
And that, of course, brings us to the part where I have to ask you guys to show us once again all your handiwork.
And Bert can turn the show off Because it's time to say
Holy shit. I never did that
But first let the games begin
All right guys pick out whichever name tag you want to
use
Tres making a little video of all the name tags
Trey's making a little video of all the name tags or something?
This is so scary.
Alright, go physically get the name tag.
Guys, get out of your chairs
and go pick a name tag.
That means you, third place.
What the fuck, dude?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Alright, hang on a second.
We'll be right back.
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stitching, y'all!
Alright, we did it.
We're back. Watch your foot there,
buddy. Trey, don't step on my shit.
I'm not going to step on donuts. That's ridiculous.
And she gave us wipes for our hands.
Oh.
Well, we might as well talk about yours first.
You want to pick it up with your hands and show everybody?
There's a box of donuts, a bunch of assorted moist wipes,
and then it's Aubrey.
What's that?
He's trying to make a play.
Gosh, I'd be quiet.
Wait, is that what you do when people heckle you in your shows?
What'd you say?
Be quiet.
He said I'd be quiet.
Oh, I'd be quiet.
I know how you.
Oh, you're telling him he should be quiet as a warning.
Okay. Yeah. It quiet as a warning. Okay.
Yeah.
It's a good warning.
Aubrey Venge of the Nerds.
But she knew who Sean Malter was, so that's why she gets...
Oh, right on.
And, yeah, it's a dope name tag.
I'm not saying it's not.
I'm a very positive person.
It's got candy on it.
You like the candy.
And I like the wordplay, Aubrey Venge of the Nerds.
And you're on there.
And Sam. Sam. Looks like a little... Sam Levs. And you're on there. Sam.
Sam.
Sam Levine, Jacob Ciro,
Bert Kreischer, TJ Miller,
and Jeff Tate. Okay, good. Next.
Oh, shit. I don't even see the bottom.
Oh, shit. What's happening?
Oh, she's writing her shit head on.
Oh, that was...
Don't let everybody see it.
I know. That was a little creepy.
When something sneaks up on me like that,
sometimes I just start punching.
What world do you live in
where you just walk onto the stage?
And you walked up here for that?
You couldn't leave my name down.
You had to step over this bag, which is a hazard.
She could have done a header into the crowd.
Then next thing you know, she's Sue Inns.
Oh, yeah, see?
Oh, my God.
That's what I'm saying. You can't just stomp around up here.
What are you doing?
Why were you saying, why'd she come up here and come back at the same time?
One of you said one and the other said the other.
I didn't tell her to come back.
See what happens when you heckle this shit.
Somebody runs up on stage.
Wow, that was buck.
What is this bag?
Is this random stuff?
It's for me? Okay.
Alright, thanks.
How the...
No.
There's real weed in it?
Oh.
Oh.
Trey, who are you playing for?
Lisa Friesen,
Talalisa Knight, The Ballad of Dougie Benson.
And it's
the story of a man who...
Wait, I forgot what I was saying.
But that's such a good
Photoshop of you.
It really is. It's fine good.
I mean, it looks good.
I don't love that particular picture all blown up like that, but yeah, she did a good job.
Yeah, very artistic with the shadows and everything.
She got her shithead in and she almost fell down on her face in front of everybody.
And would have sued us all.
Yeah.
Daniel, what do you got?
I got Jay of the Dead.
Nobody cares.
He hand drew this. Daniel, I care. got? I got Jay of the Dead. Nobody cares. He hand-drew this.
Daniel, I care.
He hand-drew this.
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
It's beautiful disgusting.
The biggest asshole is the talk of the state of modern...
Oh, what a fucking douche.
No way.
You were messing around, right?
Yeah.
But for real, though, he hand-drew this.
This is awesome.
Change it to the biggest asshole.
That should have been our first clue.
I'm not too quick on the uptake.
But anyway, you don't need to show the whole audience what it says on the back.
But good job, Jay.
Jay of the Dead.
I like it.
And you all did a terrific job picking name tags.
El Gia de los Muertos.
The Day of the Dead. The Jay of the. El Gia de los Muertos. Huh.
The Day of the Dead, the Jay of the Dead, Gia, Dia.
Fuck, man.
Daniel was... I am such a horrible Puerto Rican.
I thought it was okay.
I really thought...
I am so bad at being Puerto Rican.
I was like, it won't be stone cold silent after I say this.
Daniel, you can put that on the ground.
Dia de los Muertos.
Yeah, there you go.
Very nice.
You were staring at it like it was hypnotizing you.
You were gazing.
Like you were flipping through the Necronomicon.
All right.
Did I say we're back?
Let's start with a game.
Yes. What are you doing? Are you just tidying up a little bit? Yeah. Let's start with a game Yes
What are you doing?
Are you just tidying up a little bit?
Are we not going to do a presentation thing with the name tag?
It'll help me remember that it's Aubrey
Trey doesn't seem to care
If I know the name of the person
Whose name tag he chose
Lisa
Now I got Doug staring at me
He's looking right at me.
Right at me.
I sure am.
Alright, so we're going to start with a little game
that I like to call
Whose Tagline Is It Anyway?
Whose Tagline Is It Anyway?
I'm going to have
Daniel go first and then we'll go to Trey and then we'll go to Trey, and then we'll go to Sean.
Who's Daniel?
That's not – I'm not handicapping how I think this is going to turn out, but that's pretty much the order I expect it to – we'll see though.
Could be a wild card up here.
I was kidding earlier when I said we were going to ridicule whoever I chose.
No, that's why...
Oh, well, you should have said that after you said that.
I was kidding?
My act would really suck if after everything I said, I have to say I was kidding.
No, but...
All right, never mind.
Daniel, be mean to Trey.
God, you're stupid.
What are you doing?
I mean, just go with some organic ridicule.
You don't have to just take shots at him
when he hasn't even done anything.
Oh, alright.
That seems fair. I mean, I can't guarantee it.
A couple are probably going to slip out, but
I'll try. Do you have another one ready to go?
Nah, we're good.
They're going to slip right out.
Do it!
Maybe tell the story about your fly again.
Speaking of things slipping out, know what I mean?
We're going to be best friends at the end of this show.
No, no, we're not.
I can guarantee you we're not.
I'm going to have you naked by the end of this song.
Oh, my God.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
Whose tagline is it anyway? I'll tell you a tagline from a movie
daniel and you and you alone in this entire room uh gets to try to guess the the title of the movie
if you can't think of one you get it wrong there's no penalty really we'll just move on to
trey what movie had the tagline, There War Our World?
I got it.
There War Our World.
Independence Day?
No.
Way to go, third place.
That would have been interesting timing for me to use
that this weekend,
but no.
No, no, no.
Trey?
Transformers
Rise of the Fallen?
Nope.
Sean?
Is it Transformers?
That's correct.
Not this shit again.
Not this shit again.
Why did you do that?
Why on God's fucking earth did you say the rest?
It's the Billy Zane thing, man.
All right, we're going to start with Daniel again.
I know.
Who the fuck is Daniel?
All right.
All right.
He's that guy with his dick hanging out next to you.
You can't see it because he's wearing camouflage.
Daniel, what movie?
That is smart, the camouflage and the dick out.
Well, my zipper's busted.
I might as well wear my camouflage.
It only makes sense.
Thinking with my head. Honey, is that a dick over there in the bushes?
Or, I don't know, maybe wear
some other shorts.
Not an option.
Not a great story either.
When you have a great
story, you stick with it.
Daniel,
which movie had this tagline?
The fight for our freedom begins.
The fight
for our freedom begins.
Right?
Seems like it
shouldn't be too hard
yeah right
pass
good play
Daniel
Independence Day
no
Billy fucking Zane
I don't know
what is it Sean
no
it's a movie called Sean? Last of the Mohicans. No.
It's a movie called Transformers Dark of the Moon.
All right, Daniel, here we go.
You piece of shit.
What the hell?
Why would you say that to Doug? Yeah, guys, don't talk to a spoken to, please.
All right.
Daniel, this has got a rhythm I invented.
You don't have to make a million jokes in between each one.
They have been here forever, Daniel.
And the Daniel I added.
They have been here forever.
Transformers.
My God.
That was their war, our world.
What movie has they have been here forever?
Pass again.
Pass.
I dare you.
Do you want to pass?
Yeah, he want to pass?
Yeah, he wants to pass.
Well, he can answer.
Oh, I said Transformers.
Okay, incorrect.
Transformers Rise of the Fallen.
I wanted to give you another chance because that one already had been covered.
Go ahead, Trey.
Transformers Rise of the Fallen.
Be wrong. No.
Titanic 2.
I don't know the name of it.
Do you want me to tell you the name of it?
No.
Last of the Mohicans.
Transformer Mohicans.
No.
No, it's Transformers The Last Knight.
The Last Knight.
In theaters now.
Starring our friend Mark Wahlberg.
All right.
It's back to you, Daniel.
I'm going to punch you in your open fly.
You want to hear it?
You want to hear the story? It broken we heard it beyond look at his face
beyond good beyond evil beyond your wildest imagination uh willy wonka
full title and the Chocolate Factory No Trey
Transformers
Rise of the Fallen
No
Sean
Boogie Nights
No
I'll give you a part of a point
For most creative answer.
No, that was from the animated classic
The Transformers.
A movie.
I mean, Marky Mark did sing the song
in Boogie Nights
from the original Transformers.
Yeah, there you go.
Take away that little bonus point I just gave you.
That little bonus point.
All right. Daniel. That little bonus point. Alright. Daniel.
Oh, jeez.
This is your chance to tie
Sean Jordan
with the correct answer.
As what movie has the tagline
They're already here.
Transformers. Revenge of the Fallen.
We're not going to use this.
No.
Trey.
Transformers, Rise of Daniel's Fly. Well, Sean, you have already won this game,
but it'll be a very definitive win,
but you'll have two more points
than anyone else.
It ain't gonna happen.
All right, you can win with one point.
It's cool.
And this one just cracked me up Because it just sounds like all those others
But it's actually for Steven Spielberg's
War of the Worlds
Yeah but I just thought it was so funny
That the Transformers won't shut up
About how long they've been here
That they're here, they were here
They've been here a long time
Why is it so important to go on about that?
This one's making less money than any of the
previous ones, so there's always hope.
The one right now? Yeah.
Seems like that should be happening.
Don't tell Mark I said that.
I won't.
Because I already got my one. I don't think I can get it.
I don't think I can get another one.
Alright, so... Now that we got through that, I already got my one. I don't think I can get another one. All right.
So now that we got through that, Daniel, this is going to be really rough on you.
Might be rough on Trey and Sean as well because I'm bringing out a genius only,
genius only level game that people love to hear.
And so I'm bringing it back.
And it's called Build a Title.
You might
want to zip your pants up
for this. It's going to be...
That's impossible.
But get this new wrinkle in Build a Title.
Throw it at me, dog.
I'm going to play.
That's right.
You see me sweating, Playboy? Not a bit. That's buck, dude. That's right. You see me sweating, Playboy?
Not a bit.
That's Buck, dude. That's totally Buck.
That's not how I say it.
I sound cool when I say it.
Yeah, no, you're right.
So it'll start with Sean,
then it'll go to Trey,
then Daniel, then me.
And we're all just gonna have to
add titles to the original title.
And is there somebody here today that thinks they have a good one?
Raise your hand.
Don't yell it out.
This gentleman in the front row with the T-shirt and matching tennis shoes,
no socks, baggy shorts.
Oh, he's got blue socks in there.
Killing it.
Is that your whole Fourth of July thing? You wear that same thing every day? blue socks in there killing it.
Is that your whole 4th of July thing?
You wear that same thing every day or you have variations?
Good for you.
If you play your cards right, there's a fucking star-spangled hat
in this for you.
This would fit so great.
Complete the ensemble.
I gotta see this hat on the stand.
The cherry on top of that red, white, and blue sundae, my friend.
Are you actually going to let me put it on?
Yeah, it's perfect.
Oh, it's going to be.
Can I take a photo?
Are you careful?
Yeah, get your camera out.
You cool with this?
Yeah, this is very important what we're doing right now.
Everybody listening, this is awesome.
This is awesome.
Okay, here you go.
Just throw that on.
Stand up and show everybody how great it looks.
Turn around and look at me.
Put your hand.
Fan out a little bit.
Fan out.
Yeah, there you go, dog.
Yeah, pose.
Pose.
You took a bite, and I like it.
Show us pensive.
All right.
Can we replace him with Daniel?
Can we do that?
Will you really wear that all weekend?
All right.
It's his.
He's keeping the hat.
Oh, nice.
Good get.
I will arbitrarily take things out of the bag.
I will put things in the bag.
You don't know what's going to happen with the bag when you get home.
Be careful.
Don't leave it unattended.
It's a different bag than it used to be.
Don't get it wet after midnight.
All right.
So you're going to give us a name.
He looks like Steve, but I think he's from the Dream Team.
Okay, we're going to Dream Team.
In this game, we drop the thus because that would just stop everything.
Dream Team.
So, Sean, you need a movie that
ends with dream or begins with team.
Boy, I talked a lot of
shit.
What's up, third
place?
Shit. Shit.
Fuck.
Yeah, right?
That's a tough one.
After I gave you that hat, basically.
I don't want to be out first.
I think you are, though.
I think you're going to have to face the reality.
Fuck, man. I think you're going to have to face the reality. Fuck, man.
The dream is ending.
You're going to have to assemble a team
to get back that dream.
Dream team.
Van pulls up.
Okay, so you give up? Van pulls up. Okay.
So you give up?
Yeah.
All right.
That's okay.
That's okay.
It's not okay.
First of all, it's not okay.
It is not okay.
I'll be wrong.
He's giving his hat back.
He's trying to give you a rally hat.
God.
Give him the hat back.
Trey.
Dream Team America World Police.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm not going to look at you.
I'm going to look over so I can be more clear.
I mean, you're at least second place.
All right.
Prove him wrong.
Make me third place.
Yeah, good luck.
Daniel, I don't know if you've played this game before
or even know what the hell is happening,
but basically you just need to think of a movie that ends in the word dream,
which there must be, but I haven't thought of one yet.
Don't say any if you've got one in the audience.
And then the other way to go is something that begins with police.
There's that Christmas classic Police Navidad.
But that was a Claymation
children's special, so it does not count.
There's that documentary, Police Don't
Go to the Mall Without a Zipper on Your Camo Shorts.
Did that just come out?
That was like a fucking knock-knock joke I wish we
didn't answer.
Wish we had just left the door closed and bolted.
Do you have one, Daniel?
I don't.
Yeah, it's tough, right?
Not surprising.
Yeah.
I didn't want him to win, but...
Too bad.
Yeah, too bad for me.
But of course I have one.
Yeah, so it's just down to Trey and I
and I'm going to go with
Dream
Team Police
Wait, Dream
Team America
World Police
Story.
Yeah, Jackie Chan.
Hmm. story. Yeah, Jackie Chan.
Right? He was in that.
Fuck starts with story.
Hang on. Wait. Nothing you're going to get.
What?
Said third place. You have're gonna get. Oh, what? Said third place.
Oh!
You have one? No.
Alright. You can
use parts of words.
Like if I were you, I would
say
Dream Team America
World Police Store
Reanimator.
That's what I would do if I were you.
But I'm not.
And I win!
No, you can do that.
You can do that.
I mean, I still wouldn't have gotten that.
What's it?
Did anybody think of a movie that ends in dream?
Requiem for a cock-sucking dream!
Wow.
Son of a bitch!
Yeah.
Daniel, leave. Wow. Son of a bitch. Yeah. Daniel, leave.
Ugh.
I knew you were going to blame that on me.
It's so right there.
That's such a good one.
But then, boy,
Requiem would be hard to deal with.
No, there was that alien.
Train Requiem.
God damn you.
There was that alien versus predator.
Did you make a sign today?
Why aren't you up here?
Alien versus predator Requiem. Wasn't that one?
It's too small, dude.
No, I don't know why they didn't pick it.
I mean, Dogma. It was alright.
Alright, so Trey lasted the longest.
You get to go first in this next game.
That has never been said ever.
I lasted the longest.
First place? Third place. I lasted the longest. What?
First place?
Third place.
Just reminding everybody.
At least that's a place.
Wow. And then after that, I'd go reanimate Tora, Tora, Tora.
Because I'm not fucking around.
God damn it.
Toratoradical.
Toratora, Bugs Life.
What?
Whoa.
Of David Gale.
Wait, you got claps for that.
And you lost the game.
Whatever.
I have a good soul, Trey.
I don't need the strangers for no reason.
Fuck you, Daniel!
What a piece of shit!
Why did you guys clap more for that?
That's just hanging him on!
That's just hanging him on!
Who came with him?
You're so mean to Daniel.
Who?
Who?
You're so nice all the other time.
Maybe you should switch seats with Daniel.
Maybe that might help.
These two? I'm not letting
him sit in my seat.
But if you were sitting where he is,
you would see him to look at
Sean and I, whereas now you're just turning your back
on poor Daniel.
Would you like
that I do that? That's why I asked
for it.
Alright.
Oh, they even
kept their mics.
That's some heated shit. That's interesting.
Don't touch me, dude.
One step closer.
Yeah, he still looks like a pretty big piece of shit from over here i don't know now you're turning your back on like half the room
no that's not on purpose you guys here all right
we good oh i she's saying i can turn around
that ass we're talking about again.
That sweet Trey ass.
Yeah, man.
That, oh.
My mom.
My mom's Puerto Rican and she kept all the ass in the family.
She's got all the ass.
She didn't pass any of it on.
Let's unpack that real quick.
So you said my mom and then you took a drink.
Yeah.
And your mom's Puerto Rican rican yeah i didn't know that
yeah a lot of people don't know that i wouldn't have but you know no looking at she's a nice lady
i love her i didn't say she wasn't daniel what are you doing here oh she'll stab the shit out
of daniel though piece of shit what was the last movie your mother told you about
That she saw
Oh we didn't do that
I just want to know about his mother
Wait say that again
What was the last movie your mother saw
Oh
Did she tell you when she goes to the movies
Oh yeah she saw that
I have it on text
I didn't know what it was
It's about the chick that was in the military.
Don't you stare at Daniel's dick while you do it.
Of course. That's why he's got his fly open.
Not she texted it to me.
I have it on text.
Right. You know what I'm saying.
No. Apparently I erased it.
You didn't delete it.
You erased it.
It's the one about the girl that was in the military or something.
Or Megan Levy.
Yes.
That's it.
They went the other night.
I went to see that on a date with a girl named Megan
and Megan Levy.
She took the fuck off, huh?
She left me there.
I don't know why you brought me to this, but
I get it. My name's Megan.
Did the person who yelled out Megan Levy enjoy that movie?
Oh, didn't see it.
Okay.
You got to support the unseen, I think.
I heard it did all right.
It did some okay business.
My mother enjoyed it.
That's all.
Yeah.
She like trains a dog or something, right?
Right.
Yeah.
That's it.
She didn't get too deep into it, but she was like, oh, it was good.
That's, you know, the funny thing is, is it's a lady trainer and her dog, and the dog is the one that's named Megan Levy.
What?
Yeah, the trainer's name is Ruffles.
That's your go-to dog name?
Daniel believed it.
Fucking wiener.
My God.
Sounds real.
Stop.
What's your go-to dog name, Sean?
I wanted to say a funny one that you don't hear all the time.
Oh, I don't know.
Tupac.
I just saw that in a movie. I think that know. Tupac. I just, there was just a,
I just saw that in a movie.
I think that's why I said it.
Everybody be real quiet.
Huh?
All eyes on you.
Right?
This audience is tight.
I mean, if we want to,
can that be a fucking game where we name Tupac songs?
Because I'll beat the shit out of all three of you.
No?
All right.
What about Tupac movies?
Are you an expert on those as well?
I mean, yeah, probably.
Movies that like Tupac.
Yes, I am.
Yes.
Yes, I said it.
This lady over here was already feeding me titles.
But we're not going to play that right now.
Poetic justice. You're killing it. You're clearly a fan. The guy over here was already feeding me titles, but we're not going to play that right now.
You're killing it.
You're clearly a fan.
Was he in Trespass?
Gridlock.
Gang related.
Okay.
I don't know about Trespass.
Gridlock is what I might have been thinking.
I just said we're not playing this game. All right.
We'll not play these games with you, Trey.
Nothing but trouble.
Sorry, that's it.
Nothing but trouble?
Yeah, he was in that for two seconds with Digital Underground.
You're right.
True story.
Okay.
True story, dog.
Shut the fuck up.
All right.
Sorry.
Because it's time to play Ron Bennington's Adjusted for Inflation Bureau game.
Are you bad at this, Daniel?
Apparently, because I'm bad at everything.
All these other games.
No, these games.
Don't, aw.
Are you kidding me, you guys?
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Let's give him a chance.
What are you good at?
Being dumb and stupid.
You know, Trey's not the fucking brightest crayon in the box.
Yeah, he can't be.
He can't be.
First time I met Trey, he had a nog full of weed.
Hell, anyway.
Uh-huh.
Wow, we got a brother-born storyteller up here.
Taking the heat off you, my friend.
These stories are getting too long.
Tire of these long winded stories.
It's broken.
He was like, eh.
All right.
Can we get some more booze?
I went to middle school, dude.
All right.
Who won that last game?
It's another dope story.
Who won that last game, though?
I'm going to need another Tito's and so on. Did Daniel win? Thank you. Who won that last game though? I'm going to need another Tito's and so
Did Daniel win?
Thank you
Who won that last game?
Daniel didn't win, I won
Oh yeah, I did
He says he won, so I'm going to let
His first smart move of the day
And another Jameson if I could please
Oh, for ordering drinks
Nothing for Daniel.
Sorry.
Don't you ever
step on my Tito's order.
Step on my jokes
all you want, but you step on my Tito's order.
Then I won't
want you stepping on my jokes either.
I got to stay drunk for that.
So,
who won, seriously, you did?
Yeah.
Okay.
When you switch seats, you know, sorry to break it to you, Trey.
My eyes aren't that great.
You guys are pretty similar.
What?
Hold it.
Stop.
You're both majestic creatures on God's green earth, and I'm thrilled that we're all up here sharing a stage.
No, I was just going to say, you're both winners in my book,
but you get to go first in this next game.
And I'll name an actor, actress.
You have to name a movie that they were in
that you think landed in the top three.
Is it her top three?
Oh, it's strong.
We're giving Trey a strong one.
Did you see her eyes?
She really sold it.
Strong.
Don't snort it.
Trey, are you listening to the rules?
What?
No, I'm looking at your donuts.
Yeah, I got this.
Name somebody's name and then the top three.
Don't call Daniel's dick my donuts. Yeah, I got this. Name somebody's name and then the top three. Don't call Daniel's dick my donuts.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Are we going to throw Daniel's dick into the
crowd later?
Ha ha ha ha.
Alright. So, the person who gets to go first will All right.
So the person who gets to go first will rotate each time, but we'll start with you, Trey, going first,
and then go to Daniel and then Sean.
Top three movies.
What do you think they are?
Just name one, though.
Don't show off
Tyrese Gibson
Speaking of great rappers
Oh Daniel's gonna kill it
This one I got a feeling
Have I told you
I loved you
Lately
Oh man Is he the one Have I told you I loved you lately?
Oh, man.
That's why I thought Tyrese was here.
Is he the one?
That was just me. Shit.
That was just me singing.
Is that the Fast and the Furious guy?
Stop with that question shit.
You can't.
Oh, right.
What are you doing?
Fast and Furious.
Okay.
Say fast.
Water.
Daniel, do you know any Tyrese Gibson movies?
I'm from Philly.
Transformers.
Okay.
Sean?
Furious 7.
Okay.
Okay.
Coming in at number three,
Transformers Dark of the Moon.
You didn't say that.
Number two,
for two points
for Daniel
is, of course, Transformers.
All right.
Shit.
You said that.
Number one.
Not what you guys said.
Transformers
Revenge of the Fallen.
Which is the title I didn't think you ever got right
in that last game.
Nope.
Nope, I didn't.
Billy fucking Zane.
Is it Revenge of the Moon?
I kept saying Rise of the Fallen, right?
Yeah.
Shit.
So Daniel's in the lead, and he gets to go first this time.
Wait, who gets to go first?
What are you...
We got a hometown hero situation.
I really built up too much sympathy for this fuckwad.
Daniel wins. It's on you, Trey.
Yeah, whatever, man. I'll take that.
That won't be the worst thing I've done in my life.
Daniel, the name is John Voight.
John Voight.
He's been in some big movies.
He's an older dude.
I don't know if he falls into your wheelhouse or not.
Was it Midnight Cowboy?
Oh.
Was he in that one?
Well, with inflation adjustment, you just might get there.
It happens. Sean? I can't just might get there. It happens.
Sean?
I can't think of any movies.
All right.
Hold on.
I got, I mean.
Trey?
Varsity Blues.
Okay, Varsity Blues.
Yeah, dude.
It's a good guess.
It is not.
I just keep thinking about the Seinfeld episode.
Like a retard.
Or what about like when he got ate by the snake in anaconda
oh i remember that hey he was in anaconda is that your answer yeah i know it's gonna be wrong he
just gave it to you coming in number three pearl harbor what yeah he played the character that
started it all oh i see what it bom... It bombed Pearl Harbor.
And then his second biggest movie, Mission Impossible,
the first Tom Cruise Mission Impossible movie.
And then, of course, number one, it was right there under your nose,
is Transformers.
Yeah. So no points that round, but Sean, you get to start us off in this next one and the name is megan fox
what you got homie
transformers all right trey transformers revenge of the fallen Transformers alright Trey
Transformers Revenge of the
Fallen
and
Daniel
who the fuck's this
asshole
is that one of your buddies
Daniel went out there for a second
and came back here.
No, it's just a guy in the audience who's just glancing at his calendar.
He's like, I can't believe it's almost Independence Day.
I wish he had that dope hat.
Independence Day.
What do you got, Daniel?
This is 40.
Hell yeah.
Not right, but hell yeah.
Oh, that's that drinking movie?
No, that was the Judd Apatow one.
Oh, I don't really like my drinking movie joke.
This is 40.
Oh.
Should I have said, is that a beer drinking movie?
Would that have been better?
Yeah, no, it's Kansas City.
I don't think they would have got that one either.
Oh, yeah, no, you brought that on yourselves for cheering for him.
You're a real.
That's it. I won't. You're such a heel, Trey. You brought that on yourselves for cheering for him. You're a real... That's it.
I won't...
You're such a heel, Trey.
You're such a heel.
And this is going to be interesting how the crowd reacts to this because coming in at
number three, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Wow.
Yeah.
But number two and two points for Sean is the original Transformers.
Yeah.
React better.
What are we doing?
Come on.
Those are my first points.
Way short.
And coming in at number one.
No.
With Trey taking the lead, it's Transformers Revenge of the Fallen.
Wolf pack, motherfuckers.
Now, real quick in the interim,
I would like to order another Jameson soda,
and also fuck you, Trey, for taking the lead.
Maybe I never got my Tito's and soda order in
because I just talked about how you didn't let me get my order in.
Can we get Doug another Tito's and soda, please?
Nicely done.
Thank you.
All right.
So we're back to whoever started us off.
Trey gets to go first this time.
And there's one more round, and then I've got a tiebreaker ready to go.
Okay.
If necessary.
Okay. Yes. If necessary. Okay.
Yes.
Are we going to box like kickboxer with like broken glass on our hands?
Broken glass?
All right, if you want.
Yeah, that's fine.
Yeah, can we beat up Daniel first?
What?
What?
The tiebreaker is just another round of this.
It's not going to bring in broken glass.
Oh.
Lucky Daniel.
Maybe next time.
I like it. Trey, you're going to go first broken glass. Maybe next time. I like it.
Trey, you're going to go first.
John Malkovich.
You're stupid.
No, no, no, no, no.
Well, because what do you get?
Hmm.
Being John Malkovich.
It's funny.
You seemed like you'd learned so much earlier in this game.
I think that'll be on there.
Daniel Con Air.
Fuck.
I hate to give that to him, but that is.
That's good. Way way to go dipshit see there was some
positiveness there so I'll take that
positiveness
I've been getting your back this whole time
Sean what do you think
John Malkovich we've got being John Malkovich. We've got
being John Malkovich. We've got Con Air.
We've got nobody saying the most
obvious thing. Maybe, maybe,
but maybe not. It's a tricky one.
It's not Burn After Reading.
Anything?
Rounders. It's not Rounders.
What is it?
I'm sorry. I wish it was Rounders. It's not rounders. What is it? I'm sorry.
I wish it was rounders. Just to show you.
Pay this man his money.
You should have more.
I will splash the pot if I want to splash.
He beat me.
Hey.
Hi, Gene.
Coming in at number one
Why are you doing one first?
Because you'll see when I say it
that boy, he really knows how to do this
Or he's really high
Could go either way
Number one
Transformers
Wait, I don't remember him being in the movie
Hang on
Almost all of the Transformers. Wait, I don't remember him being in the movie. Hang on!
Almost all of the Transformers titles have more words in them.
Yeah, yep.
Transformers Dark of the Moon.
I couldn't get any of you to nibble on any of the Transformers titles. I knew you wouldn't get that one, but it just didn't happen.
But,
coming in at number two,
in the line of
fire.
Yeah, he's really good in that. Oh, drink time!
Thank you.
Yeah, that's how baller I am.
I didn't even finish the last one.
See that? When somebody
walks across the stage, you see what happens? Yeah, that's how baller I am. I haven't even finished the last one. See that? When somebody culturally walks across the stage,
you see what happens?
Yeah, that's still scary as fuck
because these cords are all over the place.
All right.
What you drinking, dipshit?
Why are you going to call me out like that?
Also, why, Daniel, haven't you ordered something to drink?
Because I really don't drink alcohol.
Oh. Oh.
Wow. Yeah.
Yeah, man. You know, I'm broke now. I bet you.
I wish the listeners could hear that, but
they probably wouldn't hear,
but the audience rightly, a lady,
rightly pointed out,
you took his last four dollars.
What are you going to get here with? I want to know what you're going to drink for four dollars. Fucking a bottle of water, pointed out. You took his last $4!
I want to know what you're going to drink for $4.
Fucking a bottle of water.
Like half a bottle of water?
No.
How much is it for you to show me the door?
Four bucks, please.
Do you... Just like a choice you don't drink?
I'll buy you a drink.
No, I'm good.
You guys, we're playing this fun game.
Oh, right.
Let's get Daniel fucked up.
Come on, you guys.
Pay attention to me.
Pay attention to me.
All right, let's go.
I'm going to win still.
Yeah, no, you're very excited about the outcome, clearly.
Because coming in at number three.
Get off me.
And worth one point making this a tie is Con Air.
They had spotlights going around the club.
Did you see that?
Do that again. Do that again, please.
Holy crap. Appreciate that. All right.
Appreciate that.
So, Sean, thanks for coming by.
Holy shit.
We have a tie game between Daniel and Trey.
That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard, dude. Stop saying that.
Stop saying that word. Yeah, yeah. That's the worst retarded thing I've ever heard, dude. Stop saying that. Stop saying that word.
Yeah, yeah, that's the worst word in the world.
I can't.
I'm supposed to be winning this game.
How's it feel, third place?
All right, so here's how we're going to do this.
It's Daniel's turn to go first next, so he gets to go first.
Then Trey.
And then, if neither of you name something that gets you any points,
Sean Jordan for the steal.
For the steal.
This is very exciting.
I hate it when you make up shit on the fly.
No, that was an idea I had, maybe.
I could believe that.
My decisions are final.
Except for when I change my mind.
Daniel.
Come on, Daniel.
The films
of Stanley Tucci.
You guys not know who
Stanley Tucci is?
Yeah, I'm sure if I saw a picture of him
Yeah
Okay
Just imagine, no I can't even do it
No, don't
I was going to describe him
That's kind of a fun game
I never thought
That this show would devolve into this
Can anyone here tell me
Who Stanley Tucci is?
It'd take me a good...
No, I know you guys can.
I'm saying that's the game we're playing right now.
Can you figure out
who Stanley Tucci is?
Yeah, it'd take me a solid six hours
though, of just sitting and thinking.
Alright, well you're all on the level
playing field for whatever I say at this point
because nobody's guessed so far.
So I will say this.
I've still got to decide between them.
But he was in a Transformers movie.
So if you want to stab at it, that's all I'll say.
I'm not telling you to do it I'm just giving you a chance
to get out of here with a little bit of dignity
or you could let me get out of here with some dignity
and you both blow it
well it's feeling like they're both going to blow it
so I don't think
you're going to have a problem
this is astonishing
I'm going to say Transform problem. This is astonishing.
I'm going to say Transformers Dark Side
of the Moon.
Alright, well that
unfortunately is not what one
of them is called.
Great album.
Daniel, you really gave us
a very exciting finish.
Hey, you, Transformer, over there.
Hang on.
Let me get my copy of fucking Wizard of Oz.
Someone's hanging themselves.
We'll watch them both together.
In any kind of weather.
All right, so, Trey, you got anything?
Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen.
Transformers.
Okay, you guys are locked in with those guesses?
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Coming in at number three, The Hunger Games.
Revenge of the Fallen yet Hunger Games. The Hunger Games.
Number two,
The Hunger Games Catching Fire.
And number one,
A Beauty and the Beast.
Ha ha ha ha!
It's all just to make us look stupid.
Well played.
Yeah.
But that means we still have to settle this between Trey and Daniel.
Why?
We have to have a winner.
All right.
So let's, between the two of you guys.
Yeah.
Each of you name an actor whose work you think you know well enough to name at least a dozen of their movies.
Maybe five.
Maybe five each. I'm sorry I overestimated
either of you.
But each of you pick a really, really, really
good one that you know you can name
a bunch of, or at least you can name some.
Somebody you know more than two movies.
It went from a dozen to two
in like 20 seconds
who you got daniel uh will ferrell okay that's a good one this is gonna be a speed round you
guys i'm not gonna give you a lot of time trey yeah who's one you're good at
jean wilder okay all right so what an odd choice here's how this is gonna work Gene Wilder Okay Alright
What an odd choice
Here's how this is going to work
You two are going to go back and forth
Starting with
Who got the three points first?
Trey did
So Trey, you're going to go first
And I picked the name
Take turns naming movies that feature
Gene Wilder or Will Ferrell.
You could steal from the other guy's actor.
You're just over here playing jazz, and I like it.
Bouncing on the handlebars, just getting shit done.
And, yeah, incorrect titles don't count,
and taking too long to answer, you're out.
So back and forth starting whenever Daniel is ready for Trey to say something.
Trey, Trey, start us off.
Gene Wilder or Will Ferrell?
The Step Brothers.
That's Will Ferrell.
Daniel, blazing saddles. Oh, he took your Gene Wilder. The Step Brothers. That's Will Ferrell. Daniel.
Blazing Saddles.
Oh, he took your Gene Wilder.
You guys are starting off hostile.
That was a fuck you to Trey's fuck you.
Yeah.
Trey?
Old school.
Okay.
Daniel, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Trey's making a face like he did something wrong there.
It was the Tim Burton one that was called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,
if that's what you were looking for.
Eh, eh, eh.
If you wish to view paradise.
Stop, stop.
Simply look around and view it.
Anything you want.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
There's nothing to it.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
All right, wait a minute.
Fucking go.
You got one?
What?
Talladega Nights, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
Oh, full title.
I like it.
Right there.
Daniel, Land of the Lost.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, really? I mean, you lost the flex because you went to
a Will Ferrell movie, but...
Young Frankenstein.
Oh, you guys are unflexing, though.
Get hard.
Mm-hmm.
It's funny because your zipper's down.
Note to self.
Sometimes people refer to a boner as a kick butt.
The zipper's broken, get hard.
Do it!
I'm tired of hiding.
My penis.
My penis.
Trey.
The producers.
I'm wet.
You got it.
I'm hysterical and I'm wet.
Now I'm in pain and I'm hysterical and I'm wet.
Is this it for Daniel-san?
So fucking
Don't let Trey win
He does not get a lifeline
Can I be his lifeline?
Oh wow
Start skiing Hutch
Fuck yeah Playboy
Come on T Trey.
The Other Guys.
Wedding Crashers.
Oh, no.
Look who's coming on strong.
Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother.
Whoa.
Gene Wilder classic, bro.
Thank you, Wild.
Will Ferrell's never been in that.
Yeah, that's right.
Because I'm stupid.
Daniel.
I said this was going to be a speed round.
Can I give him one?
No, you can't give him one.
Dang it.
Ten.
Three. 10 3 I was going to say random numbers
until you answer
oh wasn't he in that one
yeah go ahead
say it and then I'll say it
that was the one with Will Ferrell in it
yeah you're not going to trick me.
We got to call it.
We got to call it.
Are you giving clues over there?
No.
This is not a...
I had a little spasm.
This is not a very speedy speed round.
I wouldn't say it was a big deal at all.
Anything else, Daniel?
Probably the five double Jamesons.
So close.
Oh, that is sweet.
Trey is smothering Daniel to death.
We're still not friends.
You got one more to rub it in, Trey?
Oh, I guess not. A.K. not and the legend of ron burgundy yeah
oh nice lady they always try to give you a clue daniel by saying the news
oh oh uh that case the lego movie yeah. Alright, so anyway,
it's official, you guys. Trey is our winner today.
What?
No, guys, seriously. Oh, bummer.
And Casey, I love you guys for real.
I'll be your heel anytime, man.
What about the donuts?
Oh, yeah.
Should we get...
Switch seats.
I got confused because they switched seats.
So I'm sorry, everybody.
It turns out Daniel's the winner.
Wait, what just happened?
No, no, no.
I'm wrong again.
It's moonlight.
That's fair. That's a fair cop.
Should we throw some donuts before we go?
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
We're going long here. We gotta wrap it up.
We're trying to go see our friends Red, Gold, Green are playing over at the Crossroads.
Are you going to Dirty Heads?
Crossroads, KC, Dirty Heads.
You guys going to the show?
Ew, they're all stuck together. Gross.
Gotta get there in time for Red, Gold, Green.
Someone's gonna get a double
decker.
Daniel, you wanna throw a donut?
Look at, see, I included
him in the donut throwing.
Hey, give me one of those wipes. I need a wipe.
Legit.
I legit need a wipe.
Now, I'm not a huge fan of, watch out for that blue one.
Please don't throw that blue one.
Don't throw that blue one. You want to throw the blue one or the chocolate one?
I'm going to throw this one.
Don't be upset.
Don't get mad at me.
Nice!
Hand to mouth.
I like it.
I even threw up a little bit.
Good catch. Good eats.
Let's do some plugs real quickly, gentlemen.
Starting with our winner today, Trey Gallion.
Grab my...
I love you guys, seriously.
You know this is all jokes, right?
All right.
Should be called Try Gallion.
Get my ass.
Where can people show up and yell shit at you and give you a hard time while you're trying to tell jokes?
At my monthly show at the Creek in the Cave in Queens.
And then I'll be in Knoxville at the end of August doing one night down there.
So check my shit for details.
August 27th, which is my birthday, at Central Collective in Knoxville, Tennessee.
Nice.
I like it.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Good job.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys.
Daniel Newman, what do you got to plug, man?
Well, I got these shorts for sale.
They don't come with zippers, so you can basically just do whatever you want, whatever you want.
So you just told me you bought those without a zipper?
No, I bought them with a zipper.
They just broke.
Okay.
They're my favorite shorts.
I'll never tire of that story.
So good.
So good.
You should have got a bigger pop on that, dude, for real.
Hell yeah.
Thanks for going through this guinea pig process,
being our first plucked from the audience guest.
It could happen again in the future at any show.
I doubt it, but it could happen.
Sean Jordan, what do you got to talk to us about?
I do a podcast with Ian Carmel and David Borey.
It's called All Fantasy Everything.
So, listen, that's fucking insane.
They're very funny dudes.
Sounds like a fun premise.
Yeah.
We just draft pop culture stuff like a draft, like in the NFL.
What's a recent one?
We did Summer Jams.
What was yours? So you had a pick, your own personal pick?
I picked – so you picked five.
I picked Will Smith's Summertime.
I picked Steal My Sunshine by Len.
Ooh.
I see.
Give it a listen.
It's fun.
I can't remember the other ones, but they were – you know, it was fun.
It's a great list.
Great job.
I'll be in Denver the 19th through the 24th
doing random shows. It's on the website
SeanJordanComedy.com, so if you're in Denver, go there.
What month are we talking about?
End of July.
19th through the 24th of July.
This month? Yeah.
Or 23rd, maybe.
People don't listen to the podcast right away.
I don't want people
to show up somewhere on the 19th
of whatever month they're listening.
Which I do
hear tell happens occasionally.
Really? It's the July.
Wow,
that's crazy. My favorite is people
will tweet at me, they'll watch an old episode
of Getting Done With High, but they'll tweet to me
like they want me to answer a question
or my guest on an
old episode that's not happening live.
They'll still ask me about it.
The Dougalows movies crowd is a little sharper
than that.
I decided to suck up to you all.
Too bad the guests aren't as sharp.
No, you guys provide a service, especially today, because the listeners like to feel like they know something.
Like they want to feel as smart or more smart than the guests.
Right.
And I think you really helped them to achieve that.
Nailed it.
There's going to be a lot of people just screaming in their car, Transformers!
Rise of the Fallen?
Also, what is the name of the prize winner again?
Lisa?
Yeah, Lisa.
Lisa, you want to come get your stuff?
Come get it, girl!
Come get it, girl!
Yeah, give her her poster back and her stuff.
And not your birthday presents.
Don't give him that.
Watch it.
You're doing some webs here.
Thanks.
All right.
Well, it doesn't matter because it wasn't going to get read anyway.
Because I won.
Did you remember?
Remember?
I won?
Yeah.
Right on.
Another one.
I'll take that.
Lisa's got the prizes.
Sit the fuck down.
Working on it.
Working on it.
I got one more thing I want to plug.
Oh, Tempe, Arizona.
Douglas movies, Saturday, July 15th at 420, if my plane can land.
As in at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, if it's 117 or more, planes can't land.
No way, really? Yeah, planes can't land. No way.
Really?
Yeah, good luck.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
I think I'll get there.
And somebody's pointing out that I could drive.
But that's what someone who isn't a lazy piece of shit would do.
Oh, and it really does say the biggest asshole is on the back of this name tag.
Yeah, I wasn't making that up.
Oh, yeah.
You were reading something you shouldn't have read aloud,
but it was
all truth.
Oh, that's fucking heavy.
Let me see.
Okay, no.
No, I want to get a big laugh
at the end. I don't want you to ruin it.
I thought you weren't going to read it.
This is going to get a big laugh.
I'm going to say these two shitheads.
I'm going to say thank you to the
KC Improv for having us back
again.
To the WAIT staff for taking
care of us and everyone here.
To everybody who made a name tag.
And those that didn't, I know some people have
more things to do than
others. Or they don't have
anything to do. You know, I bet the laziest
person here didn't make a name tag. And I bet bet the laziest person here didn't make a name tag
and I bet you the most productive person here
didn't make a name tag.
But all those people in between,
that's what makes this show work.
So corny.
All right, so thank you to everyone.
Hey, is the guy who has a tattoo of me here?
Is my name on his chest, I think, lives in KC?
Who the fuck?
Daniel?
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
All right.
One more time for all my guests.
Daniel Newman, Sean Jordan, and Trey Gallion.
And as always, Jake D.
What's Jake's last name?
Why are we just using an initial?
Whose name tag is this? Jake D. What's Jake's last name? Why are we just using an initial? Whose name tag is this?
Jake D. is what?
Detman?
All right, Jake Detman,
for not coming to Kansas City
to see Douglas movies with us,
is a shithead.
Get the music ready.
And the biggest asshole is...
The toxic state of modern American politics and public discourse. talky. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you, cause Doug
loves movies!