Doug Loves Movies - Vanessa Johnston, Carlos Rodriguez and Mark Cohen guest
Episode Date: October 21, 2019Live from the Comedy Cellar at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas, Doug welcomes Vanessa Johnston, Carlos Rodriguez and Mark Cohen to the show.You can find the entire archive of Doug Loves Movies on ...Stitcher Premium. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code "DOUG."See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds
With 50 acid popcorn kernels in his teeth
There's still not one that he won't see
Cause Doug loves movies
Hey, hey, hey everybody!
My name is Doug and and I love movies.
This is Doug Loves Movies.
Coming to you once again from the Comedy Cellar
on the first floor of the Rio Hotel and Casino
in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Yeah!
Yippee! here we go it's saturday october 19th 2019 and i bet we got some good name tags here
look at that holy shit uh we got stand by me with uh carrot top is on there. Do you think there's a chance Carrot
Top would come by? I've met
him once or twice. He's a nice fellow that
Scott Thompson, but
I never had the
chance to ask him to do this. And then I can't see
yours because of the chair, but it looks like Iron
Man. Holy shit. Let me see
that.
Ron Man 3.
Let me see that, though though because you put me in the
you got that picture of me
wearing my Tony Stark glasses
and
put that on there
that's the best name tag
I've ever seen
who are these
other people on here
who's the girl?
That's Amy Miller?
Holy shit.
That's Mark Cohen over there?
That's a good face he's making.
Okay.
And who's the other guy?
Oh, Will Silvins?
Okay.
Yeah, he's playing the club this week.
Well, you're good at guessing who's going to be here.
100% wrong, but...
No, not 100%.
You're close.
But anyway, thank you to everybody for bringing...
Oh, I like that.
Patriot James instead of Patriot Games.
And then my big face.
That's too big.
My face is too big on that one.
But thank you to all of you
for bringing your name tags
and good luck.
Doug plugs.
Doug Loves Movies is back
at UCB Franklin in Los Angeles
on Tuesday, October 22nd.
Yeah, I know who will be there.
And then Doug Loves Scary Movies
starts Saturday, October 26th
at Comedy Works in Denver
at 420.
Halloween night, October 31st
at the Punchline in Sacramento
and Saturday, November 2nd at Cobb's
in San Francisco.
Also at 420, wear movie-themed
costumes. Be a walking
name tag.
That's what it says here, so that's why I said it.
The prize bag includes a
Doug Benson pin from Rockin'
Pins and a
Doug Loves Movies t-shirt
and I got
this at the 10,000 Laughs
Festival. It's a little notepad with a little pen.
You can write 10,000
jokes in there if you want.
Oh, that festival took place
in Minneapolis, so I brought a copy of Minneapolis Magazine. St. Paul Magazine can suck it.
And, you know, because the airport is Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, MSP. Yeah, you know me. And then... Oh, I also, from that festival,
I got a koozie that says,
our winnings are nice.
Oh, because it's from the Crystal Lake...
Crystal Lake?
Mystic Lake.
The Crystal Lake Casino.
Freddy's there,
and you just get hacked to death
if you try to go into it.
And then here's a fun thing that I impulse purchased and then didn't want.
It's a wearable sports fan.
Yeah, for the listeners, it's not a person who enjoys sports that you wear.
It's just this thing you wrap around your neck
and it's got two little fans on it
and they blow in your face
and you can just walk around having your face blown
all day.
It's got three wind speeds
and
yeah.
Turns out I didn't really want to do that.
So I'm passing it along to someone here.
All of that is in the prize bag,
plus stuff brought by my guests.
Let's get them out here, shall we?
All very funny comedians that are in Las Vegas
for various reasons we'll get into.
Please give it up for Mark Cohen, Vanessa Johnson,
and Carlos Rodriguez.
Hi, everybody!
Hi, John!
What's up, guys?
Don't sit next to me.
I tried not to. You want me to move?
No, that's cool.
Just make sure you use your microphone voice.
Nobody will know. Let's meet to you. Just make sure you use your microphone voice. Nobody will know.
Let's meet them individually,
shall we? Starting with
the lady in the middle. It's Vanessa
Johnson, everybody.
Hello.
Let's see what it says here.
Second time on Douglas Movies? It is my
second time. The first time, I'm not good at
this game. I'd like to preface that
that I don't remember any movies, but
I'm happy to be here. Thank you for having me.
Just as long as you're a happy participant, that's the
main thing. Yeah, these guys
don't know. They wouldn't know the answers,
right? These guys have movie signs.
Yeah, that's what they do at the show.
You're going to have to pick one later.
The second time you've been on. Remember?
Remember that part? This isn't the show
where we get high with you?
Oh, shit.
I mean, any show I do
is a show where you get high with me.
But
this one's more about movies. This one's for
squares as well as
stoners. And Vanessa,
where are you at? You're performing in Vegas this
weekend? No, I'm just hanging out.
I think I boondled.
I booty called this guy a couple weeks ago in Vegas.
I was on vacation, and then I liked him,
so I came back for round two.
That's what that guy is?
Yeah.
Nice.
I say good for both of you.
Well done.
Also joining us today,
that was enough one-on-one interview with Vanessa.
Also joining us is Carlos Rodriguez.
There it is.
There it is.
And that's his version of my wife.
Yeah, yeah.
He does that all the time, and it's been a staple here on the show.
How many times do you think you've been on, Carlos?
I think this is the sixth or seventh.
Yeah.
And he's going to be back soon.
I won't say on which show, but he's...
Oh, yeah.
So the listeners have something to look forward to.
In the industry, we call that a teaser.
Yeah, the weird part is that
I don't know what industry you're
talking about in the construction industry i mean no matter what industry you're in i think
in the porno industry it was a teaser no matter how you look at it and you are performing in town, though. You're not just here fucking somebody.
Well, I kind of am.
Yeah, you're not great at comedy, but you're getting paid.
I'm fucking owners over here.
This week I'm at the L.A. Comedy Club in the... What happened?
Use your microphone if you're going to interrupt.
Yeah, right?
They heard it, but there's listeners.
It's a podcast.
It's still a podcast.
It's not just a live show,
but I can see that someday.
Just me just being in some lounge in Vegas.
It's no longer a podcast.
It's just a live show
where three people stagger in with name tags
and then we...
And then my guests go, why do people
have name tags?
And where are you performing?
I'm performing this week. I'm at the LA
Comedy Club in the Strat. And then next week
I'm at Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club.
So everyone go see him twice.
Yeah. Go check out both
of those venues and see how they compare.
Have you been to Jimmy Kimmel's yet?
No, no.
This is the first time.
Did you fuck Jimmy Kimmel?
I was trying to.
Same.
Just kidding, babe.
Wait, what?
And we've already heard from him on and off mic.
Sorry.
It's Mark Cohen!
You see?
You see? The Mattress King himself.
Where'd you find that picture?
You know, there's the internet.
Oh, is that you, bro?
I knew I knew you from something.
I thought it was like a DiMera movie.
Yeah, he's the Mattress King on Friends.
Do you still have to pay alimony to Janice?
No, but I was just in that picture with...
Did you see all the Friends people getting together last week?
You were in that picture with them?
I took it.
I was there, yep.
Well, maybe you could settle this minor controversy.
It was Jennifer Aniston made her splunge.
Her splurge.
She splunged onto Instagram.
Right.
By showing a picture of all the six friends together hanging out.
But there's a phone next to her on a table
and a counter or whatever.
And it looks like it has cocaine on it.
Woo!
Hey, your date.
That's Chelsea, in case you guys were wondering.
Really?
Yeah.
Then people are talking about it on the internet?
I guess so, but it's not that big.
The thing they're talking about is how many hits she's already gotten.
She's already gotten more hits in her first day on Instagram than anybody else.
I thought you meant cocaine hits.
Wow.
Did she do?
I thought you meant bumps, too.
I was like, hey.
Bumps.
You guys want to take some cocaine hits?
I don't think that's right.
I mean, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I was backstage snorting some weed.
I haven't done cocaine since my 20s.
4-20.
6-20.
Sorry.
I like it.
The joke doesn't make sense anymore
Yes it does
You ruined it with cocaine
No I shouldn't have said 420
That's true of most things
They get ruined by cocaine
You know
It has it's moments
So it says
That was a Jeffrey Epstein quote
Wasn't it
What
Things get ruined by cocaine
Oh he's blaming cocaine
On what he did
Yeah
Wrecked your brain
Oh my god
You get a little cocaine in you, and look out, kids.
Let's talk prize bag, you guys.
Let's start with Carlos.
Looks like you got something cool over there.
Okay.
I started off with a little thing of Jack Daniels.
Just a little thing.
Just a little shot.
You, of course, are sober.
I'm sober, so I had to give it away.
What, did they force you to take him on airplanes now? Yeah. It of course are sober. I'm sober so I had to give it away. And then... What, did they force you to take them
on airplanes now? Yeah.
It's like a Drake, I'm sober, take it.
Yeah, they're like, you look like you need it.
So I have that and then
I was trying to find shit
so then I got this Funko Pop
and it's Happy Hogan
from Spider-Man.
Oh, Jon Favreau.
It's Jon Favreau.
The security guard guy.
Yeah, what you call his best friend.
So that's that.
I got that little thing.
And then I just threw in a shirt
that I sell at shows,
and it says, oh, shit.
Is this your merch?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had to throw something in here.
You know what?
I went and bought that.
I couldn't remember.
I woke up.
Okay, so it says relax you
can't die from being offended unfortunate oh and then at the bottom it says unfortunately
yeah yeah that'd be great all right and scene now um you could either throw everything down
on the ground or gather it up and pass it to me. You're demanding today.
I really am. Vanessa, what do you
got? I got to follow that?
I just brought one gift. I feel like the poor parent.
No, this one thing is
perfect. I tell people to bring one thing and then they
go nuts and they go shopping.
If you win, oh wait, is it a winner
that gets this? Alright, if you win
you get hot cheese popcorn by
Cardi B.
Okur?
See, that's all you had to bring.
That is really something.
I did get a woo.
That's more than you did.
Yeah.
That's good.
Oh, it's competition?
No, it's competition.
But it's a fucking competition, bro.
I got some cash.
You're trying to fucking...
I thought you wanted
to pull your dick out.
I was like,
it's definitely bigger than mine.
No, that's not gonna prize nobody.
Cardi B habanero.
Yeah, spicy.
Yeah, 150 calories
per serving and there's 13
servings in this bag.
She's a lot of women.
I'm just kidding.
How many servings is there?
I've got to put my glasses on.
Okay.
That's my problem too.
Alright, and what do you got for us, Mark?
We were talking about cocaine.
We were talking about cocaine.
I have a gram of cocaine.
Gram, is that?
We have a kit, a writing kit.
Oh, nice.
To be at the Comedy Cellar.
So we have a shirt and pens and paper
so you can be as prolific as I am.
Nice.
There you go.
And how many people have seen Mark?
He's the house emcee here at the Comedy Cellar.
And how many of you walked away with a quality mattress?
That is a beautiful shirt.
You were on Friends as well.
I was. We're the guys who were briefly on Friends Club.
That's right.
Yeah, yeah.
You played the delivery guy?
I had a name.
I was Tom.
Oh, shit.
I didn't have a name.
And as it turns out, I did not deliver.
I play a guy who talks to Jennifer Aniston,
or I should say Rachel Green, and it does not go well.
I walk away from her,
which made no sense.
Yeah,
that's some serious
acting right there.
That I would give up
on her that quickly.
But that's all the stuff
that's in the bag,
you guys.
Somebody's going home
with it.
That's a lot of stuff.
We got lots of good name tags for you to choose from,
but I got a couple of things I want to do
before we get to that.
I'm going to start with the question I ask
everybody on most of the
episodes of this show.
Starting with Carlos, what was the
last movie you saw?
If you die
right now,
you will go to heaven
having seen what movie?
Fuck, man.
I'm so sad.
I pulled a double feature.
I've seen Zombieland 2
and Gemini Man.
I heard Gemini Man was trash.
They're all trash.
Both of them are trash. that's a shame those are all
like negative rotten tomatoes both those movies yeah they're not good man i was so sad and i
wanted to like zombie land 2 a lot and it just just it just didn't happen for me it sucked it
seemed to be happening for other people in the theater like were you special no like the jokes
were landing they're just flat like nothing was Nothing was happening. It was like an open mic, like bomb, just bomb, bomb.
And where do you stand on, do you like zombie movies?
Who, me?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, because you looked out when you asked the question.
I was like, what the fuck?
Well, I mean, you know, this is presentational.
If I looked at you the whole time, people would see the side of my face I don't like.
No, I do like zombie movies.
But I like fast zombies, too.
Because you're either a fast zombie person or a slow zombie person.
And I like fast.
Like 28 Days Later.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you like the ones that run.
Yeah.
Like World War Z.
Yeah, I like that.
That'll work.
Those are some runners.
Yeah.
That all climb up on top of each other.
I feel like my mic's not on.
It's weird.
It's not? Hello. Yeah, I think you're on top of each other. I feel like my mic's not on. It's weird. It's not?
Hello.
Yeah, I think you're on.
Oh.
Yeah, someone said hello back.
Granted, this room isn't that big, so I could probably hear you without it, but I think
you're good.
So I'll go ahead and ask you, what was the last movie you saw?
I saw The Joker.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
That's cool.
Okay, first of all, it's just Joker so you're already you already lost
the point
you already lost
the point
did you like it
yeah bro
it was cool
the guy's a stand up
comedian
right but
and then
and
that's a big
that's a big um
it's not a secret
it's in the trailer
people know he's a stand up
no I know
but is he though
I mean he seems
deluded
he doesn't seem to be doing it for real.
It resonated with me.
And what I learned is, as a comic, if the audience doesn't laugh, you have an excuse to do anything.
No pressure.
She laughed so that Vanessa won't do something terrible.
Stab somebody in the ear with a...
Anyway.
People are having kind of a mixed reaction to that,
but I'm glad you liked it.
Did you like it?
Uh-uh.
You didn't like it?
You didn't like it?
It's very... I like it? It's very...
It's shot in a cool way.
There's some cool music in there.
But, you know, I think being old doesn't help with that movie
because it's very Taxi Driver and very King of Comedy.
Yeah, a couple people said that.
Fight Club 2, supposedly?
Really?
That's what I heard.
No, I didn't see it.
Anybody hear that? Fight Club 2? I don't know if it's got Fight Club in it. That's what I heard. Maybe some of the shots are Fight Club 2, supposedly? Really? That's what I heard. No, I didn't see it. Anybody hear that?
Fight Club 2?
I don't know if it's got Fight Club in it.
That's what I heard.
Maybe some of the shots are Fight Club-esque because it's a beautiful, violent movie.
Now, Mark, I know you're here every night.
Yeah.
Doing the shows.
Yeah.
So how do you, do you go to the movie theater every night?
I haven't been to a movie in a while, actually.
But you watch them.
I do watch them.
You see them on your home devices.
On your Netflix
and your Hulus.
So what was the last thing
you watched?
The El Camino.
That was for you.
El Camino.
El Camino.
A Breaking Bad story.
Yeah.
Does that count?
That's right.
That was a movie.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
To me, it was like
two more episodes
of Breaking Bad,
but it's still El Camino.
I got lost in the time warps a little bit.
I was told to watch his hair later,
or his skin or something.
Yeah, they jump around in time a lot,
and so they also have to do those effects
that they do nowadays
where they make people look younger,
and I'm still creeped out by that.
Did you like it?
Like Sam Jackson in Captain Marvel.
Right?
Oh, yeah.
I just can't ever just let go and not sit there going,
man, that's fucking weird looking.
Then do not see Gemini Man.
That's all it is.
Right, because it's Will Smith acting with Will Smith.
Yeah.
But he's 100% fake.
But one of them is younger, though.
Yeah, and it's horrible.
It's like, you remember when Keanu Reeves fought himself in The Matrix 2?
Yeah, it looks just like, it's so cheesy.
It's like, it's not ready.
It's not ready.
Like, the technology's not ready.
Bro, but what was worse, that or did you see him in Aladdin?
Yeah, well, Will Smith's not good at all.
Bro, that's a night of nightmares.
Will Smith is...
Wow, we're not here to take down Will Smith.
No, I love him, but like, did you see him?
The blue?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, that's the color genies are, but...
Yeah, but the CGI is terrifying.
He has lots of scenes where he gets to just be his regular color.
Can we...
Does color really matter?
No.
Did you see the trailer of Cats?
Yeah.
You guys see that trailer?
Yeah.
Imagine Cats and then put the genie in there.
That'd be, like, so scary.
But I thought, you know, Will Smith's singing isn't the greatest,
but, you know, I just... it's funny you bring this movie up
because I just watched it on the plane.
And I thought Will Smith's little wisecracks were fun.
His jokes?
Yeah, I know that.
But he didn't write them.
No, I know.
Nor do most actors that are funny in movies.
But I see what you're talking about, though.
It was a weird experience.
Mark?
Yes?
Fresh Prince?
What movie did you say?
El Camino.
Oh, yeah.
Somehow we got off.
Sorry, just taking down Will Smith. Did you like El Camino. Oh, yeah. Somehow we got off. Sorry, just taking down Will Smith.
Did you like El Camino?
Did you like El Camino?
Well, that's what I'm saying is...
It's well made, for sure.
It's like more Breaking Bad, but you have to get past the...
I didn't see...
What's Breaking Bad?
You have to get past the visual weirdness of the time jumps. And then you also have to watch episodes of Breaking Bad that don't have the best character in them.
You know, like Heisenberg, a.k.a. Walter White, to me was that show as great as Aaron Paul is.
So the movies were like...
He does a good...
I mean, I wasn't mad at it.
Yeah.
I thought it was perfectly enjoyable.
Yeah.
I wasn't mad at it.
I thought it was perfectly enjoyable.
And I always look forward to anything out of that universe, including
the next season of Better Call Saul.
Yeah.
Yeah, buddy.
Which I actually like Better Call Saul
more than Breaking Bad.
Strangely enough, yeah.
It's just me.
It's just a different thing is all.
It's less violent less uh less drugs michael mckeon more michael mckeon yeah it's got a lot more michael not anymore
than breaking bad did oh you you and your spoilers
now i know mark does impressions Some of the best in the business What's coming up?
Well I'd just like to see if any of my guests
Have any impressions that they'd like to do
Because I enjoy
I enjoy doing them
I'll do one if you want me to
And I like learning new impressions
You know like when other people do them
You know like I can do I can do your De Niro because I've heard you do it so much.
But wait, are you going to guess what it is?
Well, I already just said De Niro, so.
Do something we have to guess.
It kind of ruins it.
But I think all good impressions, you tell people what the impression is before you do it.
Yeah, but your De Niro is, if he were
a rabbi?
Or no, oh, he's talking to a rabbi.
As a little Jewish boy.
You caught my pee-pee?
So...
Let me do my new one.
Oh, he's got a new one.
This is Robert De Niro as a shepherd.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
That one feels older somehow.
Well, it's new for me.
20 years.
Yeah, you take all the edge off of the old one.
It's more family friendly.
Less anti-Semitic.
I've never seen you do an impression.
I'm not good at it.
That's part of the fun for me.
Just trying them, you know.
Yeah, I guess Bane is an impression.
Bro, that's what I was going to do.
How'd you know?
That's your go-to impression, Bane?
That's what I was going to do. Okay, go ahead. That's your go-to impression, Bane? That's what I was going to do.
Okay, go ahead.
Oh, now it's
so much pressure.
Okay.
Just say something
about coming out
of the shadows.
Oh, you think
darkness is your friend.
I was born in it.
I don't know who Bane is,
but that sounds like Yoda
a little bit too.
I got to tell you.
Damn, bro.
Born in it I was.
Batman I killed.
Batman kill I.
Except for that one, that noise you do impressions of, Carlos, do you do any?
I could, Val Kilmer in Tombstone.
I love it already.
Is this more visual than?
No, because, well, I guess, I don't know.
Is it the scene where he's twirling the little cup on his finger?
No, that's a dope scene.
No, because the favorite line is, I'm your huckleberry.
But my favorite line is when they kill the sheriff in the middle of the town.
And the cowboys have all their guns drawn on the Wyatt Earp's brother, you know, the red sashes, a.k.a. the bloods.
And so... And all of a sudden, Val Kilmer is in the bar,
and he kicks the saloon doors open,
and they just...
And then all of a sudden, he pulls out his gun,
and he goes, and you, music lover.
And then all of a sudden, the cowboy looks over,
and he goes, oh, it's just a drunk lunger.
He's a drunk, he's probably saying double.
And then Val Kilmer, smooth as fuck,
pulls out a second gun, and he goes,
I've got two guns.
One for each of you.
Val Kilmer kills it in that movie.
He's so good.
He's the best part of that movie.
I want to know why I like that voice so much.
And I realize because it's foghorn leghorn.
I say boy.
I say boy.
I say, I say, I say it.
You're chopping in a bowling ball.
You've heard me do Marvin Martian, haven't you, Mark?
We've been friends for a long time.
Sure.
Yeah.
I declare this planet in the name of me.
Isn't that lovely?
I'm assuming that sounds like whoever he was impersonating.
I have no idea who that was.
You don't know Little Martian from Bugs Bunny?
No.
No?
Bro, he did a good job.
You weirdo.
I'm old, man.
What does that have to do with it?
That's a perfect reason to know it.
I don't remember.
That's from like 1950. B remember Bunny started during World War II
Yeah, bro
Alright, well, you know
I thought it was very good
I want to hear
So, Yellow, I want to see him do an impression
I just did one
No, but one that you haven't
Oh, that I have to do Spontaneous Michael Caine do an impression. I just did one. No, but one that you haven't done.
Oh, that I have to do.
Yeah, that I'm spontaneous.
I see.
Michael Caine.
Okay, thank you for that request.
It sounds like a setup,
but go ahead.
I think I can only say one thing
because remember that song that,
oh, what band did that song
called Michael Caine?
And it was in the 80s, I think.
And every few minutes in the song,
you'd just hear,
my name is Michael Caine.
I said, Master Bruce.
Yeah, Master Bruce.
And also, I was obsessed for a while
in Dark Knight Rises.
He says, he's talking about fantasizing
about being in Italy or somewhere
and then seeing Batman with a family
and everything.
And he goes,
as I sit there drinking my Fernie Blanca,
and it's Fernette,
is how it's pronounced.
I found out later.
He just made up a new way to say it.
And I would go around saying it all the time.
And I tried that drink in a bar,
the Fernette Blanca,
and it's disgusting.
It's like Jägermeister if it was dusty.
By the way, I love how during, when they were filming the movie, probably no one felt comfortable correcting him.
Right.
But I mean, it's also a drink nobody really knows about.
You can never walk up to Michael Caine and be like, that's not how you say it, bro.
You'd be like, uh-huh bro I'll say it however I want master Bruce southern Michael Caine that's a Neil Young song is my name is Southern Kane better. I think he does...
Blew your hair.
Now do cocaine.
He does cockney.
My cane.
Michael Caine doing a line of cocaine.
Oh, that's quite nice.
I do Sean Connery.
Wait, did he do a line or did he do a hit?
Okay.
I do Sean Connery singing Marcy Playground.
Ready?
Oh, I love it.
I smell section candy.
I'd say go ahead and take that beat in between sex and candy,
you know, like they do in the song.
I smell section.
You smell sexy?
I can't do it.
You fucked it.
I smell sex.
And candy.
Oh, wow.
That's how you do it.
You do older Michael Caine.
I mean, Sean Connery.
Sean Connery's so old, he's Michael Caine.
His balls have dropped in your impression
I mean you could just
do whole scenes
from the man
the man who would be king
they're in that together
and they talk to each other
a lot
and you could do both parts
I could do it
now that you know
how to do Michael Caine
and old Sean Connery
you guys are funny
it's like but who's on first
I don't know
Michael Caine
alright well that was a fun round of let's do some impressions You guys are funny. It's like, but who's on first? I don't know. Michael Caine. All right.
Well, that was a fun round of let's do some impressions.
But now it's time to get serious.
And here comes my Bane impression.
Speaking of impressions, let the games begin.
We got name tags.
Some of them are so big,
the people who made them don't even want to lift them up off the ground.
And, oh, there's the Ragnarob that I saw on the internet.
There's a gentleman over there.
Both of them are holding up DVDs that maybe you'll get to keep.
But if each of you could just get up from your seat
and go pick the name tag you like the best and bring it back.
And while you guys do that, we'll take a brief commercial message.
We'll be right back.
Hey, everybody.
I hope you're enjoying this show.
I've got some more dates for you that are coming up
so you can see it live in person. I'll be at the San Jose
Improv on November 26th at 420. The Miami Improv on November 23rd at 420. And the 12 Guests of
Christmas is back at the Gramercy on Sunday, December 1st in New York City.
Don't get on my naughty list.
Back to the show.
All right, we're back.
Great job.
Stand By Me starring Carrot Top and Mark Cohen didn't get chosen.
Did you see yourself on there?
No, I didn't see.
Your face is way bigger on that one than it is on the one you did pick. Can I return?
Are you even on it? I don't think I'm on this one.
He's not even on it. But I don't have a big ego.
But you like Skittles?
Alright, yes. That's what Rob's
playing for. I mean, Mark is playing for
Ragnarob.
Yeah, he put Amy Miller on there and me
and Todd Glass.
Oh, you're Loki at the bottom. Yeah, you're low-key at the bottom.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I can't say it.
Nobody's ever said that about Mark Cohen.
He's low-key at the bottom.
Low-key.
Low-key.
All right.
So, and do you like Skittles?
Is that why you picked it?
I love Skittles.
I put it in vodka, actually.
Oh.
You threw it down like that.
I did throw it down.
Rob's okay with it.
Skittles and vodka though.
Now Rob, are you okay with the fact that you're not going to win today?
Who are you playing for, Vanessa?
There it is.
Ron Man 3.
I love that one.
That one's super cool.
Good pick.
Carlos?
I got Napoleon Dynamite.
Yeah.
All right.
And it's got some weed on there.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
But I'm trying to get my kids back, so I can't fuck with it.
Can I see that for a second?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's nice.
That's really on there.
The twist back is in the back.
Oh, wow.
It's CDB.
Like a toy from Toys R Us.
It spins around.
You know, even when you're just giving weed to people during a game show,
it has to be child safe.
But I'm going to get it.
Nevada law.
It's happening.
Thank you.
Right on.
Is that a legal thing or a greedy thing?
What do you mean?
Did you take it off there for legal reasons?
No, he took it off there because Carlos doesn't want it.
Yeah, yeah, because I don't smoke.
He's sober.
What's he going to do, give it back to the guy?
That's how he got his name tag on stage.
Don't call him a guy.
Call him Michael Caine.
Two years.
Michael Caine.
Michael Caine.
Michael Caine.
What's all this then?
Michael Caine.
Who's fighting and what for?
I see.
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
What?
That one. When he talks about how he tried to capture that one guy with the jewels, and
they found the jewels in the field in Batman, in the Dark Knight Rises, right?
I was like, hey, some men just want to watch the world burn.
They just want to watch it burn.
Okay. They just want to watch it burn Okay
What's the movie he was in with the daughters on the island
With the Michael Caine
Blame it on Rio
Blame it on Rio that was a good one
Yeah with Demi Moore
With her old boobs
Co-starring
And another
Another lady that hasn't been
Didn't go on to be in movies much anymore.
Who's that?
The other lady.
Oh, you don't even know her name?
The one that Michael Caine has sex with
that's supposed to be underage.
That movie would be a bummer to watch now.
Who was the other guy?
Joseph Bologna, was it?
Maybe.
Sounds about right.
Sounds like a Joey Bologna.
All right.
This is fun.
So we're going to play some games and determine a winner.
And this first game is called Live, Die, Repeat.
Oh, yeah.
It's an audience favorite.
People can't get enough of it and Mark you've played
this before okay have you played this before Carlos I don't think so okay this
is the one where I'm pretty sure Vanessa hasn't either this is where I'm gonna
say the title of an actual movie I'm gonna say it slowly I'll start it over
at the beginning after each time one of you guesses,
but just guess as often as you like.
The first person to say
the full correct title of the movie
wins.
Okay.
I do remember this game.
That clears it up.
It's trivia for people
who don't know answers.
You can just do this, and it's still a movie,
and we'll see who gets it first.
I hope people are getting ready.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I tied my shoes and shit.
I already know I lost, so I'm just going to sit back.
I have to.
Yeah, some people just don't even try.
It's going to take me a time to get it I think
one time
Whatever you're gonna say well
That's the thing is at some point you will have heard the entire title
And so that that's a great time to then just go ahead and repeat it back
Yeah, if you can okay all right and
Finding Nemo.
I have to be able to see everybody.
I mean, I guess I don't need to see Vanessa.
She's not even going to try.
But I got to see your mouths because one of you might say it almost the same time.
Don't lead forward too much, Carlos, because there's a lady over there who won't be able to see anything.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
I'll do this. Oh, that's good
I'll work on my core
Here we go a
Nightmare a nightmare before I'm straight and I'm around that Street, part two. A Nightmare on Elm Street, part three. A Nightmare on Elm Street. A Nightmare on Elm Street.
A Nightmare before Christmas.
Okay, continue.
A Nightmare on...
On Elm Street.
A Nightmare on Elm Street.
A Nightmare on Elm Street.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5.
A Nightmare on Elm Street.
Dirty Road.
Dream Child. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5. Nightmare on Elm Street. Dirty Road.
Dream Child.
A Nightmare on Elm Street Dream Warrior.
A Nightmare on Elm Street The Final Destination.
A Nightmare on Elm Street.
Maple Syrup.
A Nightmare on Elm Street A Daydream at the House.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 Dream Warriors.
That's it. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3. Dream Warriors. That's it.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3.
Dream Warriors.
Why?
Why would you know that?
I had no friends.
He was guessing so many different versions of the title.
It was fun that he finally managed to get there.
So, Carlos, you won that.
Give yourself a flop, flop, flop.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
Oh, we can't do that no more.
What do you mean?
I guess in public places, it's almost like
bomb threat type of thing.
Because it's gunshots.
It's gunshots.
I've never even heard of it.
Going blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
That sounds like guns? It's gunshots. I never even heard of it. Going brr, brr, brr, brr. Brr, brr. It's like a brr, brr. Yeah, yeah. Brr, brr.
Yeah, you're not supposed to be doing it.
That sounds like guns?
It's supposed to be.
Okay.
Shots fired.
Come on, you guys.
Don't do that anymore.
Let me hear Michael Caine doing the blah, blah, blah.
Oh, Michael Caine.
Doing blah, blah, blah.
Doing the...
Public service announcement.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Michael Caine.
I said bang, bang, bang, bang.
Bang, bang, bang, bang.
Sit here yourself.
Pow.
All right.
Okay, so I came up with a new game we're going to play next.
I'm very excited.
That was it?
That was the whole game?
Yeah, that's the whole game.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Carlos won.
Good job, buddy.
Carlos is the best at that game.
If someone's not playing, you were giving me, you were going.
You were going for the run.
Yeah, Vanessa really went for it.
I like that.
I like that.
Oh, I'm not even going to try.
Yeah.
And then she caught me from the side.
She had to pull out a knife.
She's like, shut the fuck up.
The competitive nature just kicks in.
It seems so easy.
Nightmare on Elm Street.
I didn't know it.
He didn't even say anything.
Well, it would have been cheating.
Because I didn't know it, so I knew it.
Once they said Nightmare on Elm Street, I knew what it was.
Cool.
Those are like the first Harry Potters huh
like the name
the extra title
I got that
of stuff
I watch all of them
every year
oh shit
on a specific day
can't believe I said that
out loud
that was supposed to be
inside voice
you have a Harry Potter
like time of year
or you're just saying
you just watch them
frequently
I watch all eight every year.
Like once a year I'll go through all
of them. In a sitting or
over a period of time? Like over like a week.
Oh okay. You're just like it's fucking
Harry Potter week. Yeah.
Here we go. It's like Shark Week.
It's pretty amazing. You like relive your
life, your childhood you know.
Through Harry Potter? Yeah.
I get it.
What's that laugh?
It sounds like he's like...
That's Chelsea.
That's like a French laugh.
Chelsea decided to bring that laugh on the road.
Who's that?
That's my French laugh.
That's Michael Caine.
French laugh.
Okay, I'm going to do my French laugh.
I'm here.
Bonsoir, Nelly.
See, that doesn't offend anybody.
That's a voice you can do.
No French person would be like,
I do not sound like that.
The French police have come in.
Who is making fun of the French?
You mean the gendarme?
Jean Bon Jovi.
In England, we have the gendarme.
The unarmed.
Cops don't have guns.
Cops don't have guns in London.
That's what that joke is.
That's crazy.
Crazy.
He's fucking French.
What the fuck's up with him?
Mark and I are a new comedy team.
We're called Nobody Wants to See Us.
And I open, too.
We're playing over at the Sahara.
In 1978.
You were in a Rat Pack show for a while.
That's right.
Right after the Friends thing.
Who do you... I forgot who I played.
The Mattress King thing got you the Rat Pack role.
You know what, though?
It was here.
It was at the Rio.
You were Joey Bishop?
I was Joey Bishop.
And David Cassidy was the producer. Oh, he's the producer I thought you're gonna say
he played he played Sammy Davis Jr. I woke up in love this morning
that's what's his name that's the comedian Dennis Miller says cha-cha but
he probably got it from Who can take the sunrise
I got it from Sammy Davis Jr.
Can I get a thing of water
Oh okay
The prince would like some water
Ask your friend
A whole new water
An H2O
For you and me
Look, we're on a magic carpet
while we sing that.
You can't see the stage, you guys,
but that was a solid piece of visual humor.
A Jewish girl
I think he's going to get a water.
I think he might be.
That's very cool, man.
Thank you so much.
Just an audience member is going to go do that? I appreciate it. I'm really nervous up here. Thanks, dude. That's very nice, man. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Just an audience member is going to go to that?
I appreciate it.
I'm really nervous up here.
Thanks, dude.
That's very nice, man.
Wow, I love that.
Just get people from the audience to fetch us things.
When he comes back.
Someone get me a number two from McDonald's.
When that guy comes back, I'm going to say red shirts are stupid.
So anyways, the French. He's already back.
Thank you, man.
That was very sweet.
I hope they didn't charge you for that.
It's Awkwafina.
They're saying she might get nominated for Best Actress
for her
performance in The Farewell
Mark.
Okay, so this game
starts with Carlos because he won
the last one. And
Carlos, the game is called Quick Cue.
I'm just going to ask you a question.
And all you got
to do at this point is just answer it.
Okay.
Okay.
What is your favorite horror movie it's that time of year where people watch horror movies okay next month people catch up on their harry potters but this month
is the answer the same for every question we We watch horror movies. And what do you think, Carlos?
What's your favorite?
What one would you recommend to people?
It's kind of, it's a little older, but it's called The Collector.
I like The Collector.
Yeah.
Yeah, The Collector was deep.
Who's in that?
It's the dude from Batman.
It's Bane's henchman.
He's in it.
It's so crazy.
So the premise of the movie, I'm not going to give it away too much,
but the guy goes to rob a house.
But when he goes inside to rob the house, there there's already killer in there trying to kill the family and so he's like fuck it's great that's a situation yeah yeah it's dope it's
surprisingly good you know I mean from another country no no it's from here it's it was a matter
of fact they made a sequel to it called the collection and uh but it's on that's on Netflix
it's weird it's they got part two on Netflix they don't got part one on it but yeah it it called the collection and uh but it's not that's on netflix it's weird it's they got part two on netflix they don't got part one on it but yeah it's called the collector you should
check it out that's good that's that's a good little horror flick and yeah okay i stand by that
that's his answer that's so that's a right or wrong answer no oh okay i mean it could be
eventually okay you'll you'll see where this is going okay Okay. Vanessa? Okay, it's not a good movie,
but it was like the last,
it was the only horror movie I ever saw, really.
The Grudge.
When I was 13.
Yeah, bro.
It was so scary.
You saw that one,
and then you just dipped on horror movies altogether?
I was like, fuck this, bro.
For like, that little thing,
every time I saw her.
The hair?
The hair?
But don't watch The Addams Family, then, if you don't like someone with their hair in their face.
Snoop Dogg is It, Cousin It in the current Addams Family cartoon.
Do you want to do a sample of what that sounds like?
One, two.
I don't know.
I can't do it.
It sounds like they just sped up his voice or something.
It doesn't even sound like him.
I'm trying to think of what he sounds like.
He sounds like Snoop Dogg.
Let me hear it.
One, two, three, and to the four.
That's spot on.
Now Snoop Dogg's French.
I could just see his face
at me trying to do an impression of him
he would be so displeased
there's no amount of weed
that would make him enjoy that
but so the grudge
is your go to for
talking about horror movies because it's the only one you've ever seen
and it is
it is
trippy well I feel like now if you went ever seen. And it is, it is trippy.
Well,
I feel like now
if you went back,
you'd watch it,
it'd probably be funny,
right?
Because it's so,
I saw It 2.
I guess that's a scary movie,
right?
Yes.
That was hysterical,
bro.
That's what it's supposed to be.
You thought that was funny
instead of scary?
It was so funny.
It was.
The It 2?
Yeah.
Did you guys see it?
Bro,
are those titties?
What?
The old ones? There's some old titties? What? The old ones?
There's some old titties in it?
The Gramma Titties.
No, you're thinking...
What am I waiting for?
The Gramma Titties.
You're not thinking of It, you're thinking of tit.
And tit 2.
So there's just like an old lady that whips them out for some reason?
Yeah.
What's the excuse?
It's It.
Good old fun?
Oh, it's It, Pennywise the Clown turns into an old lady with swinging? It's it. Good old fun. Oh, it's it,
the penny,
why is it a clown?
Turns into an old lady
with swinging old tits?
A naked old lady.
But huge, bro.
So her tits are like
coming at you.
It's like 3D.
It's in 3D?
You guys saw it, right?
You know what I'm talking about?
It's crazy.
I don't need that.
I think it's in 3060.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen.
He's here all week.
It's true.
It's true.
It's true.
It's true.
Okay, so we've got The Collector and we've got The Grudge.
And now, Mark, it's your turn.
It's between.
Favorite, not between.
I need you to select one, one horror movie that's your favorite.
The Omen with Gregory Peck.
That you recommend, the Gregory Peck Omen.
It's all for you.
What's his name?
Damien.
Damien.
It's all for you, Damien.
His nanny walks out.
They're having his birthday party, and he's on a little merry-go-round,
and she walks out onto the roof of the estate, the mansion,
and she's like, this is all for you, Damien,
and just jumps off and hangs herself in front of all the children.
Huh?
Yeah.
And that's one of like, there's at least 10 or 12 moments like that in that movie.
Doesn't the priest get it with a cross?
The priest, like a lightning hits a... Cross cross a lightning rod or something or a piece of
something falls off a metal stake goes through the guy but the best one is the photographer where the
the truck is the truck is backing up that's got a bunch of panes of glass in the back
and it stops suddenly and uh one of the panes of glass shoots out and just fucking slices off his
head and his head and
his head flips around a few times anybody slow motion it's good stuff
nobody seen it they've made a ton of Omen movies but the first one was the
best one and the music was just very oh
yeah yeah whenever whenever there's nothing really exciting happening, that music is there to make you go,
holy fuck, this fucking kid.
They go to one of those old drive-thru zoos
because I don't think they do that anymore.
And a bunch of monkeys just start throwing themselves
at the car because of Damien, because of the devil kid.
That was a repeat.
That was the first one?
Yeah, it's full of incident.
Actually, it's a famous director or writer, actually.
Yeah, the book was by Mario Puzo.
No, no, no, no.
That's not true.
Okay.
I don't think that's true.
No, you're right.
But it is an author that's famous and did other things.
And then the movie was directed by Richard Donner, I think.
That's not true.
I don't think that's true. You could do a good impression of Kevin from the office
that's not true it wasn't who's oh though I don't think was it no no but it
was somebody famous like yeah yeah we'll hear about it later I'm not even gonna
bother the corrections department though cuz I'm not even going to bother the corrections department, though,
because I'm not saying anything that's wrong.
I'm just saying I don't know who it is.
I think when you said Mario Puzo, that was wrong.
Right.
We established it's wrong.
But you just said I didn't say anything wrong.
I agreed.
All right.
Mom and Dad, quit fighting.
Hey, tickets are still available for nobody wants to watch this.
Tickets are still available for nobody wants to watch this.
Okay.
I need the balls.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
In the bus.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day. Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
Shaw Day.
I'll take one ticket, please.
See?
We just sold a ticket.
But nobody wants to see us!
Okay, so now...
I'm going to say each of my guest's names,
and the audience is going to applaud
for which answer they like the best.
Right?
I'm glad this guy's back in time.
He missed Mark's answer,
but that's fine.
Wait.
Let's do it again.
What's your answer?
You have a scary movie?
Yeah.
Well, you know,
I don't want to win this thing.
He's the host.
Yeah, he'll probably say, like,
Psycho or something.
Psycho is a good one.
Cardi B. I was a tour guide at Universal for a brief spell when I first moved to L.A.
And, you know, they have the house from Psycho is one of the things you drive by in the tram tour.
And, you know, we were always looking for jokes to throw in on the tour just to amuse ourselves and one that I heard that another dry another tour
guy did that I appropriated and did all the time was I'd say to the people uh coming up over here
on the left is the house from the legendary movie psycho so we refer to it as the psycho house and
oh do you see that little road leading up to the house that's the psychopath over here over here we have a giant tank of water where my favorite
one that was at one point they used to have this special effects tour
in the middle of the tram tour where you get everybody off the tram.
It was a total nightmare because as a tour guide you had to tell them all to get off
the tram and then guide them through these different sound stages that had different
things that would happen.
Like from 2001, A Space Odyssey, we'd put somebody in a space suit and they'd fly through
the air and they'd make it look like he was really in space but my favorite part was we'd put a kid on a bicycle
with et in the basket on the front and then uh and then they you know recreate make it look like
he's like he's flying but like and this next sentence is going to sound bad but you you have
a moment alone with the child and the lights are off
so the audience can't see you doing this
so I would always whisper to the kid
I would say hey when I ask you what your favorite movie is
say Citizen Kane
and it was always like a 5 or 6 year old
or an 8 year old
and then I'd just ask him
and it would just get such a big laugh most of the time.
But sometimes it would totally bomb if it wasn't a real smart crowd.
All right.
So that's my answer.
How many people...
This is great.
How many people, because of Carlos suggesting it, are going to see The Collector?
Okay. We got a few.
How many people now
are excited to maybe revisit or
check out for the first time The Grudge?
What I like about
this game is I didn't warn you guys that this
part was going to happen.
So you didn't really sell
your movies very hard.
I would have been like Rosemary's Baby or something.
Yeah, you would have given a much better answer.
Or It 2, It Chapter 2.
And then I already forgot, Marks.
What was yours?
Oh, okay.
How many liked The Omen?
We're going to check out The Omen.
See?
What is that joint?
All right, Ragnarob. He's back.
Mark won that game.
Wow.
That's the first time I've won.
Yeah, you won a game.
I think you've won a game before.
No, no, no.
Now, are the Brady kids rebuilding the Psycho House?
I don't understand.
I don't know what to say to help you with that setup.
Does anybody get that joke?
No?
Did you say the Brady kids have redone the house?
This guy knows. That's my audience. the Brady kids have redone the house? This guy knows.
That's my audience.
The Brady kids
redid their own house?
It's on,
what's it on?
HGTV or something?
What?
Brady kids renovation
and they-
This old Brady house?
Yeah, yeah.
They go in
and try to turn houses
into the Brady house?
No,
it's the Brady house
from the outside,
but they made the inside
like the set. Am I right? Is that what it is? Yeah. With the Brady bunch from the outside, but they made the inside like the set.
Am I right?
That's what it is?
The Brady Bunch kids?
This is the show?
With the kids.
That's like worse than Dancing with the Stars.
It was a huge success.
In terms of your career.
I can't believe you said this show is on HPV?
HGTV.
They greenlit this show?
That's creepy.
I'm doing it.
I can skip right past the HPV channel.
I don't even pause on it
because it's like the grudge.
My cat likes it.
Oh, no, that wasn't the...
What's the grudge?
It was the grudge.
The other one where they...
If you watch the tape.
Oh.
The ring.
The ring.
The ring.
Why isn't it called the tape?
Because it's a ring. Oh, forget it. Yeah, why is it the ring? ring why isn't it called the tape because it's a ring oh no there's a ring on the isn't it a ring on the screen oh well oh well I don't like pg-13 horror movies
no they just have to you just have to be creepy, and that's all they do.
They're not really scary.
You know who shit the bed on that is the Conjuring movies are all starting to do that.
Like all the Annabelles and the PG.
They're trying to let the family audience in.
Yeah.
Was It R?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, It was.
I liked It.
Strong R.
There's not a lot of PG-13s with pendulous breasts.
No, that was of an old lady who's also a clown.
No, that's two.
That's two.
The tits weren't in one, right? That's it two.
Yeah.
Tit two.
Yeah.
Tit two.
Tit two.
Trust me, though, Mark.
It one had some fucked up things in it, too.
Really?
Yeah.
That's good.
The thing I like best about the It movies is there's only two chapters.
I love short books.
It's actually a massive
book.
Yeah. You were going to say, Mark?
I forgot it.
It was a joke
about Tit, but I forgot
what it was. Oh, I forget it.
It's not good.
It's more comfortable. I like it.
It's more comfortable.
Your chair isn't enough.
You have to lean on my chair.
Does it really bother you?
It doesn't bother me at all.
No, no, because it's more comfortable.
It's just weird.
That's what you get.
That's what happens.
I forgot to mention that the bag that I brought all this stuff in
is from 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival as well.
It's a really good festival.
I only did the first night and got out of town
because I had to come here to Vegas, but thank you for that.
Where is it?
Thank you for that.
Where was it?
Minneapolis.
Oh, yeah, you said that.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Hold on.
I just want to point this out.
He didn't give a shit that I had it there,
but look what he...
Look what I did.
As soon as I took it off,
he went like this.
As soon as it was gone,
I was like,
I just want to sit like you.
Like we're on an airplane.
I want to be...
I was on a flight recently where...
I know.
I got to know.
I had to...
We got to protect our arms, dude.
It is a little more comfortable.
Mark's going to come over to my real estate.
I had to hear...
He wins one game,
and now he thinks he can...
Hey, the omen. Mark's going to come over to my real estate. He wins one game, and now he thinks he can...
Hey, the old man.
I had to hear two guys have the stop hogging the armrest conversation,
which I never have with somebody.
If they're hogging the armrest, I just squeeze up and try to get through it.
But they were, like, arguing about it so much. And the one guy sounded kind of like a hippie,
because he was just like, dude, relax.
And the other guy was like,
if you don't fucking move your arm.
And then called the flight attendant.
A bitch.
No.
She seemed nice to me, but he calls the flight attendant.
He's going wild.
Give me this armrest.
She's a bitch.
I'm going to fly.
It just felt like it was going to escalate to maybe a fist fight or something.
And I wanted the plane to take off, so I was just sitting there hoping that it wouldn't happen.
Because when people do shit like that, they get everybody off the plane and stuff or
they bring cops in and drag them off whatever so they're like mr. Cohen you
have to leave but but the guy just looks at that I mean I would feel so terrible
saying to fight a hey could you tell this guy to not hog the armrest and she
goes sir could you please not you know know, can you share? Well, could you tell him?
Yeah, and then she says it to him and the guy's like, okay.
And then that was the end of it.
It sounds like a kindergarten.
It was weird.
Tell them who it was.
Oh, it was.
Henry Winkler.
Nicest guy in show business.
Nicest guy in show business, so guy in show business So you pick him
Yeah that's what I did
Alright who was the other guy
I was gonna say two names
But
Oh
That was
I can't ad lib at all
The other guy was Tom Brokaw
Oh that was
That was Tom
Tom
Hanks
Yeah he's the other nicest guy
In show business
But that's true though
That Tom Hanks and Henry Winkler
Supposedly don't like each other
Really
I gotta tell you
Is that true
I think I heard that recently.
I did a pilot.
I made that up recently.
I was all in.
He got me.
And Mark was about to make a pilot.
I made a pilot with Henry Winkler, who was one of the producers.
And he came up to me the last day of taping.
He goes, you're a genius.
The next day, I got fired.
I was like, you're the fucking. The next day I got fired. I was like,
you're the fucking nicest guy
at showbiz?
Whoops.
All right.
I guess I'm not going to be
in the happy days.
You know,
if he were to grade you,
you know,
for your performance,
he'd probably give you
an A.
A.
Well,
A.
And if he tried to apologize to you for firing you he'd be like I'm
I'm
I'm cause Fonz couldn't
say he's sorry
he couldn't say it he couldn't
fucking make the what's that
of course she is
thanks for calling me out
she was born like 20 years after this shit.
Hey, this show
jumped the shark.
Go back
to talking about friends.
That's only 30 years old.
Comedy Central just
bought it.
Like, they're going to start showing it.
You still get checks for that thing?
It's pretty amazing.
Yeah, that's how residuals work.
Yeah, but after all, imagine how much they're making.
Try to get on another show, Mark.
It's amazing.
What is it like?
How do you do it?
I was on This Is Us on Tuesday.
Everybody saw me.
You were?
I really was again.
What did you do on This Is Us?
It was just my nose like in a corner.
I play the warm-up guy in the show, in the mani.
But this time I was really a glorified extra.
They cut out most of my shit, but I wasn't.
You were supposed to be the warm-up guy.
I am in the, they said I wasn't in it, but I am in it.
I saw it.
Oh, okay.
They just wanted to warn you that you didn't have any lines.
Is that the Comedy Central?
What, This Is Us?
It goes on after All in the Family.
I'm feeling it again
that's not even happening.
I'm like, what's This Is Us?
Now, This Is Us is that NBC show
that makes people cry
because characters really die,
but then they come back
because there's lots of flashbacks.
I've never seen it.
You have seen it.
It's a good show.
I feel like if I did see it, I'd say I'd like to see Mandy more.
I got it.
Nobody else.
Most of my jokes
are just for Mark Cohen.
And Vito Megaluglia.
And by Mark Cohen, I mean the fictional character
in the center of the
musical Rent.
Jesus Christ.
I almost didn't get there.
Hey, welcome to Mark Loves Movies.
You take over, Mark.
I can't finish sentences.
So this next game is called, and this is the one.
This is for all the beans.
This one's going to determine everything. This is called Last and this is the one, this is for all the beans. This one's going to determine everything.
This is called Last Man Stanton.
A.K.A. Last Man or Woman Stanton.
Yes.
One clap.
It's time to update that title.
Unless there's no women on the panel,
which is most of the time.
I'm going to get a pre-selected audience member to tell me the name of an actor or actress.
And then the four of us, I like to play, are going to take turns naming movies that they were in.
You can't think of one, or you say one that's not correct, you're out.
But you each get to go to your person whose name tag you chose, your lifeline.
You can go to them once.
So Mark can go to Rob once, and Vanessa can go to Rob,
and Carlos can go to Rob.
Everyone's named Rob?
No. I'm Don. I got Don. Yeah, he's got Don. I knew that, but it can go to Rob. Everyone's named Rob? No.
I'm Don.
I got Don.
Yeah, he's got Don.
Yeah.
I knew that, but it was fun to say.
It was fun to say Rob three times.
I said Rob three times and look, he just appeared.
Rob three times on the ceiling if you want me.
Everybody.
Dink, dink, twice on the pipes.
All right.
Yeah, that's some old ass shit we were singing.
Yeah, it was on that movie Now and Later.
It was?
Remember that movie?
The flashback scenes?
Yeah, the little girls.
Yeah, because it's Thora Burton.
Now and Later is the candy that you give to children
when you're trying to get them to
watch a movie with you.
In the van.
All right.
There's no bonus points for all this information you guys are throwing out.
I selected someone whose name is, you can't just say it.
You have to, oh, I get it now.
It has fish in the middle. So it's R
Fish, as in P-H
Fish, G-W
and I think the G-W stands for
groundwater.
I do. Oh, really? Yeah.
Who is it? It's you?
Oh, it is him. It's the guy that brought the
Rob name tag, Thor Ragnarob.
Are you serious? Yeah, it
happens sometimes. Sometimes the name tag gets picked
somebody I also picked from Twitter
so this is a great opportunity for you to
help sway
this in your direction because you're going to give me
in a moment and your name is Rob
and you flew in for this from where
Des Moines
yeah because he knows I won't
come to Des Moines
hello it's slightly less exciting than Vegas Yeah, because he knows I won't come to Des Moines. Hello. Hello.
It's slightly less exciting than Vegas.
I won't be able to check out Lady Gaga when I'm in Des Moines.
But you're rich there in Des Moines?
How can you decide I'm going to go see Douglass movies in Vegas?
Well, I wasn't going to wait for you to come to Des Moines.
You weren't going to wait?
You're like that lady that sings the Dawson's movies in Vegas. You weren't going to wait. You're like that lady
that sings the Dawson's Creek theme song.
I don't want to wait
for my life to be over.
I want to know.
Oh, I thought...
She has a name.
Give your phones out.
Who is it?
Doug Love's sing-alongs.
Her name is...
I don't want to wait.
Kale Cole. Cole. Something name is... Kale Cole?
Something Cole?
Oh, Natalie Cole.
No.
It is Cole something.
Michelle Branch.
Cole Sprouse.
Trying to get for the younger audience.
He was on Friends, right?
Cole Sprouse?
Yeah.
He wasn't even born when... Do you know who Cole Sprouse is?
No.
Does anybody know who Cole Sprouse is? No. Does anybody know who Cole Sprouse is?
Yeah.
There you go.
They have kids.
Oh.
Wait, I have a question.
Yes.
Okay.
What does your shirt say?
Softly, gently, sweetly, discreetly.
Oh, it's from the Tenacious D song.
Oh.
Fucker gently.
I was like, okay, lady, we see you.
You getting the good dick.
Softly, gently, sweetly, discreetly.
I'm going to take you out for Zanzibar.
All right, so Rob, and why Groundwater, just real quick?
Your last name is Groundwater.
Really?
Bruh.
Holy shit.
What do you do for a living?
I hope it's something to do with lawns.
Makes teepees.
He's like a mortician, a groundsman.
Mortgage processor.
Gotta give you credit.
Let's close the mortician.
Do you have your,
is your face and name on any,
you know, like bus benches in town in Des Moines?
Not that I know of.
Not that you know of.
Yeah, because that's where they put the criminals' faces.
On the bus benches.
All right, Rob Groundwater.
Is that true?
Is that an American Indian name or something?
No, everyone asks that.
Everyone asks that?
Everyone asks that.
When you say your name's Groundwater, they go, how?
That's so funny, bro.
But what is it?
It's German.
Scotland, okay.
There you go.
Groundwater.
That's Michael Caine.
I do it in Jewish. That was Sean Connery
Asking
Ordering a drink
I'd like a shot of groundwater
I do a
I do a
I forget it
I forgot
An Indian Jew
An American Indian Jew
You're gonna do that right now?
How much?
Oh shit and Jew. You're going to do that right now? How much? Oh, shit.
Bro, when you said
you were going to do an Indy, I got so nervous.
I was like, oh no.
Like at least three buttholes tightened up.
What's going to happen?
Okay, so
Rob, what's
your great suggestion
today all the way from Des Moines
I had a mash up
it's a mash up so this is going to be two names
who you'll see
what are they
Amy Adams Sandler
I knew you were going to pick Sandler for some reason
how did you know that
I just felt it he's a Sandler dude
because when I was talking about funny people earlier
for some reason I was like oh, I just gave him a title.
Can I be first?
Can I be first?
You could have been first
if you had a better horror movie
to talk about earlier.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
But so Mark's gonna go first,
then Vanessa,
then Carlos,
then me.
And no help
from the audience, please.
So it's a movie,
they can be either one of them.
It's a movie.
It's got Amy Adams or Adam Sandler.
I don't think they've ever worked together.
Oh, I'm ready.
Mark.
Funny people.
Fuck.
I like that.
I'm done.
I like that.
That's a smooth move.
I got one line in it.
What? I got one line in it What?
I got one line in that one too In Funny People?
What's your line?
I say to Seth
Two minutes
So he's having sex or something?
No
He was like
And then he says back
Hakuna Matata
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Hockey dokey
That's not
That's Christopher Lloyd.
All right, Vanessa.
Arrival.
Arrival.
Oh, that's Amy Adams.
Yes.
Okay.
Carlos.
Click.
There's no reason to change the channel.
We're just kidding.
I thought that was a porno version.
We're just getting into it.
I'm going to say the Water Ground Boy.
Oh.
That's why you picked Sandler.
It's right there.
Water Ground Boy.
Your name, Groundwater.
I could be wrong about this one.
Wrong?
You don't say one that's wrong.
I'm not sure.
You don't know how this works.
The Fighter?
What's that?
Oh, Amy Adams?
Correct.
Vanessa?
Superman. sure I think I don't know how this works the fighter what's that oh Amy Adams correct Vanessa Superman any Adams played Lewis Lane yeah but you got it it's not what it's called what do you be quiet out there please I that's exactly
what I mean it's not called Superman oh iron iron iron steel we're not laughing at you
we're laughing with you
of all the
all the amy adams movies
you can just pick another one
okay fine
or all the adam sandler movies
yeah i don't
uh okay hillbilly elegy
what
because well it's a movie
i'm producing
but with amy amy adams
but it's not out yet
does that count
it's gonna be on net the audience doesn't think Adams. But it's not out yet. Does that count?
It's going to be on Netflix next year. The audience doesn't think it counts, but you're not producing movies like Vanessa's
producing movies.
Bro, that's how bad I am.
I don't even remember half the movies I've worked on.
How many movies have you worked on?
I've probably worked on maybe 15 and then 12 TV shows as a producer.
But I don't even remember half the titles of them.
Is it all Brian Grazer stuff?
Half of it.
Well, I work at Imagine Now,
but I've been there for a year.
But before that,
it was HBO and other stuff.
They don't quiz you about movies
when you try to work somewhere like that?
No, bro, but I was on it.
But then as soon as I'm done working,
I forget the name.
Okay, so Amy Adams is going to be in a movie called what?
Kill Billy Elegy.
Glenn Close. Kill Billy Elegy. Amy Adams. Elegy. Yeah, okay. Okay, so Amy Adams is going to be in a movie called what? Kill Billy Elegy. Glenn Close.
Kill Billy Elegy.
Amy Adams.
Elegy.
Yeah, okay.
Netflix next year.
This one guy
is very excited about them.
You sold the ticket.
Okay, so I will accept that
as an answer
because it's so exciting
that she's still in the game.
Which way were we going, Mark?
It's not me, is it?
It's me.
Oh, okay, Carlos.
Man of Steel.
Yeah, that's what it's called.
Oh, damn it.
Because you stole mine, so I had to steal it.
What did I say, Iron Steel?
You said ironing things or some shit.
I said Iron Steel.
Yeah, you were hovering around it, but we knew what you meant.
Okay, so back to me.
I'm going to say...
What?
Don't take mine.
Oh, now I want to take one that you're going to say.
So I'm going to say Happy Gilmore.
Wedding Singer.
The Wedding Singer.
That was close.
Holy shit. The whole crowd gas That was close. Holy shit.
The whole crowd gasped.
You were almost out.
Bro, I was so excited.
I was like, oh my God,
I'm not the first one to lose.
I still think you have a chance to be that.
No, I literally don't know anything.
Yeah, either Amy or Adam.
Yeah, no, this is really sad.
Well,
that eight movie, Eight Horses,
David Spade, Adam Sandler.
You're just giving him the fucking eight horses. This is...
Yeah, going after Vanessa is a sweet spot today.
Why are you so hateful?
Hateful eight! No, that's Why are you so hateful? Hateful Eight!
No, that's...
Thank you so much, Mark.
Wait, isn't that...
I loved Adam Sandler in Hateful Eight.
I want out of this cabin!
Scooby-doo!
Wait, no, that's Tarantino's movie.
No, what's the...
Something Six?
Oh!
Sense.
Six sense. You guys know what I'm talking six? Oh. Sense. Six sense.
You guys know what I'm talking about?
Right.
Yes.
It's like David Seed, Adam Sandler.
What are you talking about?
They're all riding horses.
It's trash.
Came out two years ago.
We're all not going to tell you what it is.
Oh, no.
I don't want to wait.
Can't she ask somebody?
She's got a lifeline.
You can ask someone.
You guys are your person.
Let's go to your lifeline.
Oh, yeah.
You know shit for sure.
Give me a good one
Shit for sure
Give her a good one
The Netflix movie
The Ridiculous Six
The Ridiculous Six
Fuck
Okay yeah
We could do Netflix movies too
Yeah they're movies
Okay
I don't know shit
I was like
I thought it'd be
The feature film or something
I'm down
They are feature films
Like that's the new world
We're in now Carlos
Oh we're in a new
Oh shit
Netflix is making movies.
They won Best Picture with Roma last year.
And that is a movie.
Oh, okay.
And there's that new De Niro movie coming out.
Well, because I know you had that big old argument with Oh Boy about, like, was it Denzel?
He was in a movie on a TV movie.
And you were like, you can't call that.
Right, because there used to be TV movies.
But now those don't exist anymore because we have netflix but do they open up now since netflix puts all their movies in theaters for a
little while to get academy award nominations i got one wait all right all right i'm gonna go with
i'm excited for you there's like a hundred answers. I'll do it. Eight Crazy Nights. Fuck you.
You had to pick the most Jewish title of all the Amy Adams movies.
All right.
We got this.
We got this. We got this.
I'm going to go ahead and say and check this out, you guys.
This is a real
really lobbing one out here for you.
Hotel Transylvania.
Who's in that?
Adam Sandler?
Listen, I have the
I have the movie
and I can name the director. I can't name He's the voice of... I have the movie, and I can name the director.
I can't name the movie, though.
If I say the director, is that good enough?
But let's say the guy next to you just said Hotel Transylvania.
What do you think would be a really great answer to say immediately after that?
Hotel Transylvania 2.
That is correct.
Oh, damn.
Now, Vanessa.
Okay, Waterboy.
They already said it.
He already said it.
I already said Waterboy.
You say after Waterboy.
Waterboy 2?
No.
There's no Waterboy 2.
Is there a Waterboy 2?
They didn't do a Waterboy 2.
Those guys are grown-ups now.
Okay, Superman versus Batman.
I'm just guessing.
She was probably in that.
She is in Batman v. Superman
or Superman v. Batman.
You really get a lot of leeway in this game.
Yeah, she really does.
What do you mean?
What do you mean, little old me?
Because there's more to the title than just the Batman v Superman v Batman.
Adam Sandler movie.
But that's okay.
I'm going to just say it.
Donna Justice.
It's him, anyway.
Carlos.
It's Hotel Transylvania 3.
Sorry, there's more words invania 3. Oh. Sorry.
There's more words in the title.
Oh, wait.
Damn.
Right?
Isn't that fucked?
Oh, that's so fucked up.
Gender equality.
I can use a lifeline?
You can use a lifeline, yes.
Okay, I'll use a lifeline
so I can save myself.
Little Nikki.
Oh.
There you go.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
My turn.
Hotel Transylvania 3,
Summer Vacation.
Mark?
I can't think of the fucking name of it, but I know the director.
Oh.
Wes Anderson.
Okay.
I don't believe he's ever worked with him.
That's not... Oh, Ken Anderson.
No.
One of the Andersons.
No, Wes Anderson hasn't.
I know this one.
I know this one.
I know what you're thinking about. You're thinking P.T. no. Oh, Ken Anderson. No. One of the Andersons. No, Wes Anderson has another Adam P. I know this one. I know this one. I know what you're thinking about.
You're thinking P.T. Anderson.
Oh.
Paul Thomas.
My friend.
Oh, you're going to Lifeline.
Punch Drunk Love.
Punch Drunk Love.
That's what you're thinking about.
That's the one.
I love this.
The Lifelines are just naming the movie that the person almost.
That's a big hat.
Yeah.
Is almost grasping the title of.
I've got a different one.
It's so sad.
Okay, so we're back to you, Vanessa.
You don't have any more lifelines.
Yeah, bro, I tap out.
I don't know.
But you're going to tap?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Big Daddy.
You did pretty good.
He's going Big Daddy?
Yeah, I go Big Daddy.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, people are excited.
Wait, is the butler one?
You can't.
You can't throw in the towel and then jump back in and throw the towel back out.
I just dropped it, sorry.
Didn't mean to throw the towel into the ring, referee.
Look at those guys sitting over there.
They don't work here.
They're just dry running their chef outfits for Halloween.
They're in my favorite horror movie.
The chefs.
They're black.
Who's, where are we?
You.
Comedy Cellar at theio is the right answer
you um okay so let's uh we might as well go all the way back to the beginning
it's taken too long billy madison uh now you yeah you you said it but no one you didn't say
it as an answer so i could say it grown. Grownups. Correct. Of course.
And I'll go grownups too.
Yes.
Wait, you mean he meant as well.
Okay, I'm going to go with.
Oh, shit.
Let's see here.
Oh, fuck.
I've never seen this.
What?
I'm just trying to decide.
I thought you were putting his hand right there to try to throw him off.
I just want to tell you, Mark, that I think your performance on the show today,
I think people are going to be enchanted by it.
Oh, Ella.
Ella.
Ella.
This is a little movie Uh huh
It was in 1987
With Amy Adams
Okay
And it was called
The Piccadilly Square Circus
Oh
Go ahead
Great
I don't
Wait
Can we call it bullshit?
Can we call it bullshit?
Yeah tell us a little bit more about it.
Who else felt in it?
He didn't wait to.
She wasn't born yet.
Did you ever lie to your mom?
And you're like, I went to bed really early.
I didn't talk to anybody.
I can't believe I can't think of an Adam Sandler movie.
Yeah, there's a lot of them.
Carlos.
Pixels.
He's in Pickle? Pixels.? Pixels? He's in Pickle?
Pixels.
You said that.
He's in Pickle?
He's in the Pickle movie?
Pickle the movie?
Bedtime Stories.
Why are you saying more than one?
Oh, shit.
I don't know because I don't know.
I'm back in.
Bedtime Stories 2.
Yeah, you and I are still competing.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, you and I are still competing. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'm going to say Bedtime Stories.
Oh, I just had it too.
Oh, Spanglish.
Yeah.
Spanglish.
Okay, I'm going to say Mixed Nuts.
Oh.
Is that a real one? I'm going to say Theed Nuts. Oh. Is that a real one?
You're welcome.
I'm going to say The Cobbler.
Wow.
Wow.
Listen to us.
Hey.
Are you sober?
Amy Adams' first Academy Award nomination was for a movie called Junebug.
Oh.
I'm going to go with Amy Adams.
I'm going to say Justice League Vice
Vice
Wait okay
Is it Sunshine Cleaning Company
Yes it is
That's a good one
Holy shit
You're killing it.
I'm going to say The Longest Yard.
Burt Reynolds.
Yeah.
Oh, that was Adam.
I was like, Amy Adams, the mashup fucks me up.
I was like, she was in that?
All right, so we go back to Adam.
Adam Sandler had, what else did he have?
He had that, that.
Oh, you said it earlier earlier but you were talking about
the butler mr deeds oh very good very good okay um i'm gonna say i'm gonna do an amy adams doing Amy Adams and it's called I can't I'm not positive
I'm doubting myself
on this
doubt
I want to say
the hustle
is with Christian Bale.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so you're out.
I win.
It's called American Hustle.
American Hustle.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What a showing.
But Carlos is our winner!
All right.
Nice showing, Carlos.
But I wanted to get Doug.
That's the fuck I wanted.
You did it.
Don, come and get all your prizes, dude.
Napoleon Donomite.
There you go, man.
Congratulations.
You got all the stuff.
You can take your name tag back, too, if you want.
Got a black Sabbath t-shirt.
Do you want your J back?
Okay, good.
That worked out perfect.
Hell no.
Yeah.
Well, thanks for trying, Rob, and thanks for coming all the way from Des Moines.
Yeah, I feel good.
And other Rob, great name tag.
And Mark Cohen, what do you got to plug?
Well, I'm here.
Every night.
Every night.
Comedy Cellar at the Rio. It's on the ground floor. I'm here every night every night comedy cellar
at the Rio
it's on the
it's on the
ground floor
and
and I was on
this is us
new acts
look for a
look for a
rerun of that
new acts
you know here
at this club
every week
every week
Monday to Sunday
Sunday
yeah
and two shows
a night
two shows a night
seven a night
it's a beautiful, beautiful club.
The people.
Thank you, Mark.
Thank you.
Vanessa Johnston, what do you got to promote?
I have a podcast called So Aggressive, and I have a comedy special coming out on Hulu
this winter.
Nice.
Right on.
Does it have a name?
Yeah.
Well, I was going to say Hillbilly Elegy in March.
What?
The comedy special, have you named it yet?
No.
You're waiting for it to be born?
Mm-hmm.
Hotel Transylvania 6.
Are you going to do a gender reveal party for your special?
For your special?
It's a girl!
Well, thank you for being here.
And Carlos Rodriguez.
Hey!
Fwa, fwa, fwa.
Fwa, fwa, fwa.
You can't do that.
No, you can do the other one.
Now, the... Okay, at Carlos Comedy on Twitter and Instagram and stuff.
And then after these two weeks that I'm here,
I'll be in Minnesota at the House of Comedy.
And then after that, it's Rooster Teeth Feathers in the Bay Area.
So you can catch me there.
Bay Arians?
Yeah.
Bay Area!
That didn't come out right.
Boom, boom, boom.
White people from the Bay Area.
Or Bay Arians.
But are you going to come see
Doug Loves Scary Movies in San Francisco
on November 2nd?
Yeah. Okay, cool.
I talked him into it.
They came all the way to Vegas
for this shit. Absolutely not.
We might as well go somewhere a little closer.
What are you watching on November 2nd?
What? Do you reveal what you're watching
or you don't reveal it until then?
What do you mean watching?
On November 2nd.
It's Doug Loves Movies.
Oh, scary edition?
Yeah.
Okay, okay.
I thought you were...
I mean, this edition was pretty scary as well.
To be honest with you.
But yeah, it's going to be all scary movies all the time in the...
What's wrong, Mark?
Why are you doing it
after Halloween?
When's your guys' show again?
It's called Nobody Wants to Watch Us.
We sold it.
We're over at the Sahara.
You did the Rat Pack at the Sahara
for a while.
It's the Sahara again.
Is it? It's back?
Yeah. Why didn't I know that?
I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't go to that end of the strip.
I don't go to that shit end.
Next thing you know,
you're downtown and you're on a zipline.
There's a zipline
here at the Rio.
It's a beautiful Rio.
They have a zip line right here.
Right there on the 50th floor.
Oh, no, we're going downtown again.
We're going downtown again.
I've had so much fun on this one.
Doug Loves Movies returns to Salt Lake City on Saturday, November 9th
at 420. For all of my dates
and deets, go to DougLovesMovies.com
That's DougLovesMovies.com
Yeah!
Come on!
Fall in!
We're not adding Bayerians.
What happened?
What happened to Ted Danson?
I thought Ted Danson was going to be on the end of that for a little while.
Thank you to the Comedy Cellar and to all of my guests,
Carlos Rodriguez, Vanessa Johnson, and Mark Coco Cohen, the Mattress King.
As always, positive energy.
Bay Area. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie.
Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky.
There's no room in his heart for you,
cause Doug loves movies!