Dragon Friends - #4.07. That's Not What Pegging Is with Susie Youssef

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

An ancient cruse liner, a terrible secret and a hell of a morning after for Bobby Pancakes. The Dragon Friends make their way from the captain's chambers all the way down to the engine halls where even more trouble awaits. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We come in, regrettably, where we left off. A drug-fuelled orgy in the quarters of the Lady Casilda. A key stolen from one of the favoured. The lacquer-masked officer class of the Saturnine is now in the possession of Filge and friso a captain's table befouled by the congress thereon now empty of its previous occupants as lady casilda the captain of the universe's only passenger planes cruiser takes bobby pancakes by the hand and leads him into her private chambers a boy precious bon, missing now two days.

All signs point to the Gilman, the ship's pie-sign underclass who Filge has taken to calling wet boys despite repeated corrections. A party divided, Filge and Friso still lurk in the shadows, unseen, keen hand. Bobby is now being offered a cigarette in the private rooms

of Lady Casilda. And the orgy is winding down in the way that you must imagine orgies do. The awkward pleasantries, the milling about, the finding of shoes. Is it weirder if they kept him on the whole time? No, it's just practical. I do it.

Not at my house. Shoes off as soon as you come in the door, all right? Then we can have Congress. Hagedar, our detective, stands in the middle of it all. What is Hagedar doing? Just, um... Oh, boy. That was the best I've seen.

And I've seen some orgies. So we're going to come to Bobby and Casilda in a bit because you have just been taken back for a post-coital cigarette or cigar, perhaps. Cigarillo. Vape stick. Okay, don't be lewd. But you guys are in the shadows. A post-coital vape stick.

Yep. Those are the four sexiest words a woman wants to hear. Dave would have done that so much faster. You guys are lurking in the shadows. You have a key. You've taken off one of the passed out offices. You can see Hagar in the middle of the room. What is your move?

Me feel like me need another shower. Oh, that's right. You also shat yourself. Yeah, but I've cleaned up from that previously. Now, do we know what the key is for? No. Are you asking if it has anything written on it? Yes. So we just took our key. From somebody's pocket. Is it you asking if it has anything written on it? Yes.

So we just took a key. From somebody's pocket. Is it a key ring with lots of keys on it or it's a singular key? It's a singular key. It's shaped like a key. No, no. Bring me into the world, Ben. Use your words.

It's made of, oh, it thrums with a sort of key. It's like a key card, isn't it? It's like a pass. Yeah, it's a pass, but it's got emblazoned on it the sigil of what you recognise now to be the sigil of the favoured cast. The Lackad Masked Boys. And you know it's theirs

because it's a mask. And Dave would say it's a many-faceted, tessellating into millions of colours. Tessellating. It's, tessellating into millions of colours. Tessellating. It's a tessellating key. And even now you feel may perhaps one day may have to be open a door or portico. It has been.

He'd also pronounce key Cree. A quay. So I think, now this is the trouble with doing this show month to month, is that you forget what your plan was. I sure do. But our intention was to go to the, I remember saying, I want to go to the bit where they go, screen on, or on, you know, the front of the ship.

Like the cinema. I want to go to, like, not the bridge, but, like, the helms room or, like, where you control the ship from. Where you control the ship. Like the cinema. I want to go to like, not the bridge, but like the Helms room or like where you control the ship from. Where you control the ship. But I don't remember why we wanted to do that. Well, you must have wanted to do it for a reason. I think so. I think we were trying to get the ship

to go somewhere, but I think the ship is already, having listened to the episodes, I believe the ship is already heading where we want to go. Yeah, that is correct. It would be like kind of hijacking a train and being like, take me to Hornsby. It's like, yeah, that's where we're... I said no stops!

Alright, so let's go to the Helms room, shall we? Yeah. Yeah. For some reason. Yeah, great. Sure. So you've decided to do that. There is a door to give you the layout of the room.

There is the big banquet table that you'd rather not look at now. There's the door that Bobby took Casilda, Casilda took Bobby into. And there is the way you came and there's another door. And where's the pig chef? The pig chef? You get the sense that his quarters are elsewhere and they kind of take the train on trolleys. Okay. So Leah, let's go through the separate door then.

Okay. And we try the key into the door. But we don't want to draw attention to ourselves as well because we were the only ones not participating in the orgy. I can imagine. I think. I was participating in my mind, obviously. So, Filge was like, oh, that was a good one.

Yeah. Oh, me enjoyed that orgy section. The best bit was when it was an orgy. Friso has taken his shoes off and he's walking back in pretending he's putting his shoes back on. Oh, that's clever. So, you've opened the door. Are you still wearing your masks? I can't remember.

Yeah, no, we're dressed up in, I think that we're dressed up in their robes, I believe Okay, canon, whatever Yeah So we take the key and put it into the keyhole Okay, the door slides open very softly And you take it Yeah, there's only one setting for the door on On this

So this is very remiss of me Would you please give a massive round of applause Yeah, there's only one setting for the door on this. So this is very remiss of me. Would you please give a massive round of applause to our musician slash foley artist tonight, Danalyn Skagg. They will be making any number of sounds pertaining to doors. Just one, as it turns out. Yeah. So the door opens softly and you take in a room.

The room is sparse. It is very sheeny. Do you mean shiny? Nice one, Dave. I mean, it's quite sleek. Does it look like the Apple Store? It looks a bit like the Apple Store. You're not wrong.

It's got a big viewing screen in the middle. Are we in the place we wanted to go? Yeah, yeah. And on one side is a map of the kind of you see a bunch of dots on it. And on the other side you see like what looks to be sort of data about the ship and what's going on, like wandering the ship. And then, yeah, the viewing screen shows you space, but it's kind of like undulating in psychedelic colours

as you have not seen it do before. Can I walk up to the control panel? Sorry, also, this is my fault. There are two people in there. Crucially, there are two people in there quite far away from you who haven't seen you yet. They are favoured. They are wearing the masks.

All right. So are they at the control panel of the ship? Yeah, you get the sense that they're just kind of like, yeah, killing time. They're not doing anything particularly important. Right, yeah, okay. So I was thinking we could see if there's like any security foot... like if we can access

the security cameras on board the ship and see if we can... Find out what happened to the... Excellent idea. Find out what happened to Bonathon. Yeah, see if there's any... Can we do that? What do you mean, can you do that? So let's approach the two people. Are we still just as fed? We are, alright.

Okay, so just before you do that, I'm gonna... We're on fire and you forgot to tell us? Before this brilliant plan unfolds, we're going to cut to the chambers of Lady Casilda. It is a room almost in contrast, I think of the opposite of the Apple store. Do you mean like the Windows store?

Yeah, it's a Windows store. The Microsoft store? It's got wood panelling everywhere, lots of rich mahogany. There is a four-poster bed that you would say is the feature. Make sure you put brocading in there. Dave really likes to use that word. Oh, yeah, it's brocaded here and brocaded there. There's gilt.

Are there things sconced somewhere? It's sconced in one of the walls. There's a balustrade. Is anything coming over the transom? There are balconies and balconies. Yeah. There's a sideboard. Not to be confused with a cyborg. There's a sideboard full of what look to be very expensive liquors.

Simon, I have a Bobby character question. Yeah. Because maybe the audience can help out as well. Is this the first time Bobby has done a fuck in the Avengers so far? Yes. Hey, Bobby's first fuck, everyone. I think Bobby's quite the Lothario. I think he's done it before.

Right, because Filch fucked in the Tomb of Annihilation series. Yeah, he got an axe. Yes. Do I get an axe, Ben? Well, let's see how this scene plays out. There is a nice kind of like she's fixing you a drink. She's saying, well, that wasn't

that just wonderful. And there's a chaise lounge. Somebody in the audience just went Sorry, that's the mask. Wait, are all these masks the mask? Have we not known that this whole time? I should have mentioned. Schmockin! There's a chaise lounge on the side

and she beckons you to sit on it while she fixes you guys a drink and you see her take off in front of a bureau. She takes off something around her neck. You catch a little metallic glint and you see her put it in a drawer and lock it and then she sits next to you. Okay. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby Robert. I still can't really get over the fact that Ben and I did it.

He keeps on maintaining a very powerful eye contact. Simon, are you blushing? Probably. I like to call committing to the bit. Well, wasn't that just splendid for me? Well, I'm... Who says that after sex? Who finishes and then goes,

well, wasn't that just splendid from me? I said for me, but both are bad. But may I say, didn't I do a wonderful job as well? How I pleasured you. Yeah. That was some new stuff for me.

Yes, well, you don't get to 200 years old without knowing a thing or two hundred she hands you a sort of a glass a white and amber and amber liquid in it well bottoms up again great joke about pegging. Not canon. You know what? Nah, canon. Nice. Does she have a peg leg?

That's not what pegging is. Well then tell me what pegging is. Nah, guys, I know. I know. It's to do with, like, when you're hanging up the laundry. And you do a good fuck. And she goes, you know, that was not just nice because of the wonderful sex from me, but it was also nice just to have someone

who's not in on all this drama. All this ship drama. Do you know? You know what I say? What? Drama, drama, save it for your mama. Do you say that? It's basically my catchphrase.

Well, isn't that a provincial delight? I like your Bobby Bobby Robert pancakes. I like you a lot. Wow, you're not too bad yourself. I'm just gonna go shimmy into the bathroom and she kind of like... You're gonna have to... okay I'll narrate that for the ear jockeys. I guess Ben has got his arms like at a T-Rex sort of level and he's sort of got his hands splayed like a frog, like frog webbing. Yeah.

He's moving his arms back and forth across his body. You know when you would have an action figure as a child that you could move around and it wasn't restricted by any internal, you could just twist it right the right round like an exorcism kind of thing? Ben's kind of, if one of those was doing a tap dance, that's kind of what he looks like. So you hear the door close and you have five seconds to work on what you're going to do. I'll just do a check of the room,

see what's good. That's a hot two. It's a very nice room. All right. You would say it's probably the opposite of the Apple store. And is she in the... What can I hear from the bathroom? You can hear the sounds of a tap running.

Okay. Is she like, Bobby, please put the television on. I'm doing a tap running. Okay. She's like, Bobby, please put the television on. I'm doing a horrible poop. And you hear her humming an old song to herself. I check that drawer to see if it's open. It does not open. Okay.

I pick that lock. Okay. That's a tricksy one. Make the roll. What's your thing? That's a 17 plus, I guess, what, dexterity? Click, it opens. Okay.

It opens. Hold that thought. Same door? Yeah, it's just the one sound for opening. That includes a can. That includes... Okay, so you guys have approached the two guards. They're the favoured and they're at the helm.

Do you want to approach them just now or do you want to listen to them? Hector, who's right behind you, says, Shh. If we're quiet enough, they'll probably start another orgy. By the way, you didn't know Hector was there. And he's enormous, so...

Hello. I think we're going to... We need to get them away from the control panel so we can get to things, right? Yeah. So Freezer's just going to wander and be like, oh, man, that orgy's winding up in there and the best bits are still for the taking.

Oh, if I like to fuck, I'd be out there right now doing it. And you don't like to fuck? I've already come. So I see. That person did the ra thing again. It's preverts in the front row. Is it like a rap? Like, brr-rup?

Or is it like... No, it's like a sexy cat one. Oh, I see. Oh, there is a cat sitting in the front row. Oh, yeah. So Friso declares to the two guards Oh, there is a cat sitting in the front row. Oh, yeah. Sexy cat. So Friso declares to the two guards that he's already... And to what end is this, by the way?

Because he's trying to talk up the orgy, so they go after the orgy. So he's like, oh, man, what a bloody great orgy. Oh, all the best bits are happening now. Oh, there's... It's like... There's fireworks. I don't know why you've come to taunt me.

You know full well that we're not allowed to participate. We're here to monitor the fuel situation. Well, we could. Oh, yeah. I mean, we could help you boys out. What's the fuel situation going on? Well, I don't want to leave it with you if you don't know what it is. I mean, me have been briefed on fuel situation.

Me just want to know if you, what level clearance of the fuel situation you boys are on. Is this getting close to a check? Yeah, you'd probably need to be making a deception check, I think, at this stage. DC 17. Charisma? Yes. I did not get it. Tug of war on 11. DC 17 Charisma? Yes

I did not get it, tug of an 11 You know, I don't think I've seen you round Well, me wearing a mask, so Touché, man. Touché. Of course, all the favoured who are, of course, the favoured know of the funeral situations, but talked a little else. Well, they weren't talking about fuel in there. Back in the orgy, they were talking about things they wanted to touch or suck on.

And it's still going on. So why don't you check it out and we'll just leave it with us. And the other one, because the other one hasn't spoken yet. He's like, I mean, we could. I'm just not convinced.

I'd like to see some identification, please. Yeah, of course. No, you're right. We should have checked that earlier. Some identification, please. We hold up the key. Oh, right're right. We should have checked that earlier. Some identification, please. We hold up the key. Oh, right. Oh.

Tessellated. Oh. Many facets. As if it were to open a door or a portico. What kind of door do you even think it opens? The door... Of course... What?

She's trying to get them to tell her what door it opens, but as if she's testing their knowledge. Wait, but it opened the door we just came through. Is that... Maybe it's like a skeleton key and it's got other powers. Sorry, I don't want to cramp your style. Go on. This is no ordinary key, right? No, it's an ordinary key that we all use here.

It's an orgy joke. You'll get it. That's pretty good, isn't it? Pretty good. Oh, look, look. Hey, hey, I know you're sticking with this. Can we just have a sidebar for a second? I really do want to go to the orgy.

I missed the last orgy because I had the flu. Oh, the last one was tip-top. That's one of the best I've ever been to. Let them take over. They seem to kind of know what they're doing. Yeah, they seem to kind of know. I mean, that one's a little large, but they're wearing masks like us,

so who are we to say? Yeah, exactly. What are we going to do, fire us? And they walk off, leaving you with all the controls. Meanwhile, you slip open the drawer and in the drawer of the bureau, you see on what looked to be what was around her neck,

you see it now to be a really complicated, ornate, intricate key that is a key card that has the sigils of all of the cast sort of stamped on top of one after the other, if that makes sense. You see a curious looking monocle in there, and you also see a letter.

And there's also, like, some loose double A's and... I try on the monocle. You try on the monocle? Yeah. Okay. Your vision becomes kind of strange. What do you look at? I look at the bathroom door.

What do you look at? I look at the bathroom door. You see Lady Casilda in the shower. Yes! She does not have a peg leg. Stop that! You can't hear it in the audience. Okay, I'm going to... Oh, sorry, and there's the letter, yeah.

And if you look at your hand, you can see your bones. And what does the letter say? You want to open the letter? Oh, so it's in an envelope? It's obviously been read, but it's in the envelope. Okay, I'll have a quick read. Okay, basically the thrust of it is that... Dave would usually be like, oh dear, blah, blah, blah.

Basically, it is from one of her intelligence officers warning her that there is a detective from the Pinkerton agency on board investigating the disappearance of the Winchester child. The Westminster child, rather. Yep. And be wary of him. Okay.

Have you read it with the monocle on? So is there any extra meaning that I see with the monocle? You see straight through the paper and you see the ground. So I open the other eye and read it. Okay, cool. Can you try and calibrate the monocle to see how strong the x-ray is maybe? Are there buttons? It's just like a monocle?

It's just a monocle, yeah. One setting? Is there a chair in the room? Yep. Is the chaise lounge that you're on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is the door to the bathroom, is that open in or out? In.

Yeah, in. Okay. Into the room or into the bathroom? Into the bathroom. It goes into the... Okay. I rip off some of the brocading. I put the chaise lounge right up against the door.

I tie the handle of the door to the chaise lounge so it can't be opened. Okay. And I take everything in the drawer and I leave. Okay, so now you go back into the main room where the orgy was slash still is. You guys are in the control room. What do you do? So we're alone in the control room, right?

Should we close the door behind us? Yes, we close the door. And then is there a chaise lounge for us to barricade the door with? There are very few chaise lounges in this particular spaceship. And it sounds like a sliding door, which does make it slightly harder. Yes. Slightly. All right, so let's take a look at the control panel.

What's it got to say for us? Yeah, we're going to... Are you just mashing buttons at random? Yeah, let's... Yeah, yeah. We're gonna... Beep, boop, beep, boop, boop, boop. Are you just mashing buttons at random? No, we're just making a song, but we're... You can make an Arcana check. Arcana! 18

plus Arcana. So, ooh, 23. You see that this is, of course, an incredibly complex machine, but you can kind of glean that the kind of security systems are like over in an area. If only we had a hacker with us. Do I still have my hacking skills from the last adventure?

Sure, why not? All right, so let's go over to security cameras and Filge, take it away. You're going to need something to hack, though. Like, you had your deck. Yeah, you used to have an interface. Is it written there? Which you called a keytar.

I've got a key. Looking for those... So what do I need? No, but isn't there a keyboard or something? There's something she can access. Filge is like... Her thing is that she's a techno whiz, right? So she could probably, you know.

I don't know how this shit works. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you disadvantage and I'm going to say that in order to hack into the security system, you need to roll, let's just have, beat 10. A disadvantage. 10? Don't give a shit. She's got disadvantage.

Okay, okay, okay. Two dice. Ah, that's an 8 and a 16. No, but there are bonuses. Are we using intelligence? What do you use for hacking? Plus, yeah, what do you use for hacking, Ben? Hacking. That's an eight and a 16. No, but there are bonuses. Are we using intelligence? What do you use for hacking? What do you use for hacking? Hacking.

No, there's no hacking one. What do you use? Medicine? Is it medicine? Yeah, it's medicine. I'm going to say it's probably... Why did you suggest medicine? It's probably intelligence, which is you have minus one.

Yeah, all right. Well, look, I'll let you use your wisdom. I'll let you use insight. Even then she just gets to nine. Still fail. Still fail. Yeah, well, it's a big complex machine. You manage to set off some alarms.

Hike does that. Does Hike don't know stuff? Oh, shit. Well, look, honestly, I just think we should get the fuck out of here. Yeah, so alarms are blaring. The orgy's being disrupted. Bobby Yeah, so alarms are blaring. The orgy's being disrupted. Bobby, you hear alarms start blaring. You're looking for your compatriots.

Yeah, I put the monocle in and see if I can see them through walls. Oh, yeah, great. You see them. You see them in that room. Okay, so I run up to them. Okay, great. Meanwhile, you are suddenly, that room that you're in, is suddenly a woman bursts into it,

and she's very, very cross, and she needs to talk to the manager and she won't be ignored. And you have met her before but not played by this person. So to play Martha Cananedi, would you please welcome Susie Youssef! Woo! Hello, Susie! Hello, Susie Youssef! Susie Youssef! Hello, hello. Is Hello, Susie. Susie.

Hello, Susie. Hello, hello. Is this working? Yes. I'm doing it. Susie, have you ever played Dungeons & Dragons before? Many times. Lies.

Never, never, never. But I'm very happy to be here. Excellent. That is excellent. Or should I say, Is that how she sounds? That is how, well, that's a... Ian, how did she sound?

She went, ah! But that might not be a sustainable voice for the next couple of episodes. Maybe however long you hang around. So you can kind of make your own choice, I feel. Yeah, well, she was quite distraught because she'd lost stupid Bonathan. Precious, stupid Bonathan. Precious stupid Bonnethon. Idiot child and and so as she burst into the room she she's calmed down a little bit she's more angry than hysterical so she goes I'm terribly sorry.

This is my voice now. I'm basically Captain Hepburn. Finally, some class in these voices we're getting. So as Martha Kennedy bursts into the orgy lounge, I guess she meets the two chosen, favored, who have just come out of the... Yeah, and they're a little bit disappointed because they're like, oh, I thought that was it. Oh, it's over.

Are you here for the orgy? Oh, hello. Does it say orgy lounge on the door? No, it just says captain's room. It's captain's table, I think. Yeah, captain's table. Like the crackers. So it's a really like vanilla orgy?

Yeah. I'm not here for any orgy I'm furious can I say that yeah do I have to roll the dice every time I talk a speech check I am furious madam you seem to to have wandered into the wrong part of the ship. Please, if you'll return to the... Well, what's the right part of the ship? I'm trying to find stupid precious Bonathon, my son, and no one's listened to me for two days. In fact,

I heard you fucks were doing a talent quest or some shit. Instead of finding a missing child. What the fuck? Yes, madam, and he kind of like straightens up his clothes. So he's like a little bit, he's a little bit embarrassed that he's been caught talking to his... You shouldn't be angry about your clothes. Your penis is hanging out. Forget your tie, sir. Do your pants.

The Dragon Prince, wherever you are, you can actually hear this. So you're just in the same room. You guys can hear it through the door. The alarms have kind of subsided and it seems like some more of the favourite are turning up to see what the commotion is. So let's put our masks back on and just sort of nonchalantly walk back out of the thing. And as we walk out of... We open the door.

Excellent. We walk back into the orgy lounge and Friso declares to no one in particular, oh man, whoever was in there before us sure made a mess of things. And the dude says, you two, and the fat one, all of you, we've got a customer complaint.

If you could escort this irate woman elsewhere so we don't have to deal with her. Take her to the missing persons unit. There's a missing persons unit? No, no, I mean the... How often does this happen? Refectory. I mean the buffet.

Take her to the buffet. Okay, I kind of joined the stream of the group as we sort of walked past and I flashed the super key that I've got and I'm like, guys, I think this is an all-access pass. Let's head back down to that door where the Gilman went through before. Oh, the Bellows door. Yeah, the Bellows door.

Whatever it was. So you need to like... Don't we have Martha? Martha is with you? Yeah. Okay. Mrs. Kennedy, I think I have a lead on your son. I tried to put a lead on him when he was a child.

That idiot ate straight through. He ate straight through it? He ate it. He ate the lead I put on him. Do you know that when I was a kid, I had a leash and... Shocking. That does not surprise anyone. I was walking along... Was this your choice or your parents' choice? Not my anyone. I was walking along.

Was this your choice or your parents' choice? Not my choice. Ben was a bondage baby. Please, please. There's no way your brother had a leash. Absolutely not. Nor did my sister, but I had one and it was on my wrist. You don't see a lot of wrist leashes anymore.

That was a boogie board. It was like a boogie board strap. It was. And I was walking down the street and I hadn't... And your dad was a boogie board strap. It was. And I was walking down the street and I hadn't. And your dad was a boogie board. The leash hand had the leash on it. And in my non-leash hand. That's why you break my boogie boards.

I had an ice cream, which is easy to imagine because it is my, imagine the microphone's an ice cream. And I was walking along and I tripped and I went to break my fall, but I was like, better not spoil my ice cream. So I lifted that up and then I was like, I'll just break my fall, but I was like, better not spoil my ice cream. So I lifted that up and then I was like, I'll just break my fall with my leash hand. But that was a leash hand, so I just went... You face planted.

Face planted right into the concrete. Did your parents call it your leash hand? Even when it wasn't, just to remind me that that's where that went. Did you get to eat the ice cream? No, I think I probably saved it, actually. Did you call them left and leash? Did you not know right for ages? I still do. It's confusing.

So you're now out of earshot from the other guards. You're walking, Martha, down the corridor, away from the scene of the orgy. You're going back toward the first class quarters. What do you want to say to her? When you look up, what does a corridor look like? What does a corridor look like? No, I've been in corridors.

Oh, toasting much, all right. Is there like any mirrors above us? No mirrors on the ceiling. Thank you. Are you a top-down vampire? No, it's sort of guilted with balustrades. I say, guys, we've got a very small window where Casilda is going to be otherwise occupied in the shower

and locked in a bathroom. So we should make the most of this time. All right, so let's sprint down to where we saw the Gilman go in before. Oh, can Martha get there first being surprisingly fast? Are you okay? Do you know where we're going? Yeah, yeah.

It's a corridor. There's one way. Hang on. I feel like this is probably my job to know this, but you two know each other because she came to you guys to... No, she came to the one to the mask. She came to us.

We were dressed as masked men. So she doesn't know who you are. No, we're still masked. And I've got to do my... Do you want to introduce yourself? Drop the pretense or just keep lying? As we're sort of like hustling along, should we just be like, okay, so I'm Bobby. I'm a halfling.

This is Filch. Hello. Friso. Friso. We're the dragon friends. We're here to help solve the mystery of the missing boys. And yeah, there's more than one. I'm shocked.

I'm Hagtar Strength. I've been... Sorry, what's your last name? Strength. Strength. Yes, you can read it on my name tag. Yes. I've been investigating the missions of the missing Lindbergh baby.

No, no. Westminster. Westminster. Westminster baby. Was it Winchester or Westminster? Westminster. Winchester. Winchester baby, who's been missing for five years.

I think we're onto it. It's those slimy Gilman bastards. Bastards. I will remind you that she knew that much already. Oh, yes. She came to you. Well, I'm just trying to affirm your life choices. I agree.

I think you're doing a great job. Is it possible that Hagar is actually a terrible detective? I just assumed that because he was hired by wealthy people he was good, but wealthy people are really stupid. He got on this ship and then he was like, oh fuck I love buffish. I'm never

leaving here. And he thought to himself if I solve the mystery I'll have to get off this brilliant facial. I'm never solving anything. Oh, so then is it possible that Hagar is the one stealing the mystery, I'll have to get off this brilliant vessel. I'm never solving anything. Oh, so then is it possible that Hagar is the one stealing the children? I never ate any babies. You could check my poops. No babies.

What? Okay, so... Have you been keeping all your poops? No, but if there was one, you could check it. I wouldn't even protest. It's easy for you to say, given that you haven't kept your poops? No, but if there was one, you could check it. I wouldn't even protest. It's easy for you to say, given that you haven't kept your poops.

Show us your poops. Show us your poops. Show us... This is ridiculous. I'm not on trial here. Look, let's go to the... Okay, what are we doing? I don't feel like

I trust Hector because he's already told me this information before. Can I just trust Friso? Yes, you can. Absolutely you can. There is no reason for you not to trust me. I believe, I think I had a, was I doing a voice around Martha before?

I think it was. I think you were seductive. It was a voice that I, listening back to the podcast, I got hives. I was so cross listening to it. No, but Michael, I think you thought you were sexy when you were doing it. Ah, yeah. It was like this. You probably saw him do stand-up as well.

No, but Michael only has two voices. The one that he thinks is sexy and his voice. Yes. Yeah, there you go. See, that's the terrifying one. But you have just introduced yourself as Friso, so we probably can drop the pretense if you want to. Fair enough.

No, no, good. Yeah, so I say, look, we saw a lot of the Gill men go into a door downstairs, so we're going to go back there with the key we've got. And we explain as we're running, and yes. Do we run into any, are there any guards? Do we just sprint there? No, actually,

I will say weirdly, there aren't that many of the staff. There aren't many of the favourite. There aren't many, you see very few Gilman and you don't see

any of the helmsmen. Not the helmsmen, the Bellows boys who you call the helmy boys. The really hard thing that I'm now appreciating is Dave has to keep

two lexicons in his brain. The things that he came up with and the stupid bastardisations that the cast came up with and the stupid bastardizations that the cast came up with and kind of marry them both. So we get to the door. Hagda, might I suggest we make a quick detour past our rooms

to arm ourselves with weapons? Do I have any weapons? Milady, seeing as you don't trust me, a gift from me to you. If it's your poo, I swear I don't want it. Search through it. Here's a sieve. You'll not find any baby fibers in it. It's a beretta inside it.

And he gives her two iron gloves. Like gauntlets? Yeah, like gauntlets. Like the infinity gauntlets? Yes. Not like ironing gloves that are just irons on the ends of her hands? Not a good idea. No!

No, it's much easier if you can pick it up and put it down, isn't it? Yeah. Also, because how do you, like, brush your hair? It's a disaster. We're not permanent. Yeah, Susie, we're not going to do this. Okay. If we get into a scuffle, they'll come in handy.

All right, moving on. So, you guys... So, do we have time to walk past our rooms and grab our weapons? You guys are already armed. I think you have your weapons. Can I test my gloves by punching a wall? Sure weapons. Can I test my gloves by punching a wall? Sure. I test my gloves by punching a wall.

Okay, so this way you make an attack roll. Do I do it down there? Yeah, use the dice cam. Sick. You rolled a one. You rolled a one, Susie. I think that's bad. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the numbers.

One's not a very high number. No, one is your number one. That's the first thing she did. Yay! I love this thing. Golf. So as you swing, rockets on your wrists fire, and it pulls you across the room and slams the – your fist slams into like a corner, and then your body flies around the corner and your fist slams into a corner

and then your body flies around the corner and you fall down. And as you punch through the corner, you've actually punched into somebody's room and they're sitting on the toilet. And what does the person... Oh, what does the person look like? A very thin old man

with his pants around his ankles and no shirt. Why did he take his shirt off to go to the toilet? That's what old people do. No, honestly, find an old person and ask him. I went to school with... Wait, who's the oldest person in the room here? Who thinks they're the oldest

person in the room here? Anyone? Is anyone over the age of like 40? We're not going to make fun of you. We're just going to ask if you take your shirt off to poo. Yeah, trust us, we won't make fun of you. Do your parents do this, Ben? I assume they do. I went to school with a guy who took all his clothes off to shit. He'd fold them.

This sounds very much like I have a friend too. Do you take all your clothes off to shit, Ben? It's clean. But when you go to a public bathroom, where do you put them? Because everywhere's dirty there. On the hook. Do you hold them? On the hook.

You hold them. Are there hooks in men's toilets? Yes. Are there hooks in men's toilets? Yeah. There's a conucopia of hooks. There's a hook for your jacket. There's a hook for your shoes.

There's that weird curly hook for all your jewellery. There's a DVD of hook in every bathroom. There's a guy with a hook at the end of his hands who passes you a towel by his hook. And the toilet paper's on the end of it. He's like, don't mind me. It's great. You have to go to a men's bathroom sometimes.

So you guys set off toward the door after that little kerfuffle. Okay, so I just disregard the naked man on the toilet. You can talk to him if you want. I've not seen a naked man since we conceived stupid Jonathan. I regret that. Well, honey, come back any time. I'll show you my penis.

Because at the moment it's dangling between his legs. And it's so long it's just touching the water. No, thank you. I was brought up right. Keep that penis to yourself. Very well. And I leave. Uh-huh. Quickly.

Yep. And I shoot my rocket fingers again. What are they? You've got rocket gloves. I shoot my rocket gloves to catch up to everyone. Oh, yeah. Okay, so roll. See if you can fly.

I shoot my rocket gloves to catch up to everyone. Okay, so roll, see if you can fly. Are you fucking kidding me? Is that a one or a seven? It's a seven. Oh, that's a seven. Oh, thank God. It's a seven.

It's still a great. It's still fucked. Why is she so dumb? They're meant for fighting, not for flying. Okay, fine. So when we get to the door, in Dave's absence, I read this book, Xanathar's Guide to Everything. Okay. Because you all thought you were trying to fuck me by making me a Hexblade warlock, but actually there are some quite powerful things. No, you assumed that we were trying to fuck you.

No, they were laughing at me with a mocking tone. That suggests they were trying to fuck me. Sorry, that's not my understanding of sex. This is... My understanding... Stop laughing, you're going to get the wrong idea. There is not... There is not an episode of the show that goes by

where I don't learn something horrifying about Michael Hing. Hey, Michael, if you hear a slow clap, do you think you're being seduced? Yeah, I'm like, oh, why is this audience flirting with me so much? No, don't. Oh, my goodness, don't. Oh, he's hard as a rock, stop it!

They want you here. You're wasting your time. I've already come. Sorry. You're not sorry at all. When we get to the door, there's a Hexblade Warlock thing in here which I get at

sixth level called Ghostly Gaze, which means as an action you gain the ability to see through solid objects to a range of 30 feet. So I'm going to look through the... I've just got a monocle that can do that. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, don't worry about it. We all good. I was going to let him burn a spell slide. No, no, no. I'll save it in case I want to cast something else. Like, I don't know. You'll see. All right. So I'll have a quick peek I want to cast something else. Like, I don't know, you'll see. Alright, so I'll have a quick peek through the door

to see if anybody's on the other side, that there's a clear entry. You can kind of see, it's like the door's kind of tempered with some sort of enchantment, so it's not as clear as the bathroom door, but you can kind of see that the room is circular, that it looks quite industrial, it looks like a boiler room essentially, and you can make out a couple of figures kind of moving about. Are they sexy figures? It's hard to say. Are they shapely?

Perhaps. They're shapes. Yeah. Insofar as everything is shapely. Do these figures look like they're mocking someone or laughing perhaps? Is that? Yes, they're trying to seduce you.

Do we want a plan? We don't ask this very often, but we want a plan. Are we going to go in to do some heavy questioning? Are we going to just beat them all up? We want to follow the trail of slime that the Gilman would have left and find their nest. That's what we're trying to find. Their nest. Do you think the're trying to find. Their nest?

Do you think the children are being held in the nest? I think we had an idea that the children were being kidnapped and then turned into the Gilman. Yeah, or maybe into breeding stock. Yes, there was something going on. Does that mean there'll be more stupid Bonathans? Precious stupid Bonathans? Potentially.

Potentially. I have a question. I did a disguise self earlier but probably the rejuvenating act of intercourse has made me have my spells back. Is that right? Did you have a post-coital nap or was it just a post-coital vape stick?

I had a vape stick. Does vaping in this world count as a short rest or a long rest? And also what are the rules about spells? I mean, why are you asking me? This is insane. Do you think it will be counted a long rest? And also, what are the rules about spells? I mean, why are you asking me? This is insane. Do you think it will be counted as a rest? Audience, does...

I mean, we'll just do... No. All right. No. It's a pretty heavy no. Okay. Otherwise, if I say that every time you come, you get your spells back, I know what's going to happen.

If I make that canon, this show is going to become worse than it already is. No, but just generally, like, if I've got a bunch of spells, I can't do a bunch of different spells in one day? You can't saw your spells already? I've just done one spell. I did Disguise Self. Could I do Disguise Self again? That's what I'm asking. If you have spell slots, yes, because you only expended one spell slot.

How many spell slots do you have per day? I don't know. You don't know? It's underneath your weapons. You have one more spell. One spell. One spell. Only one. I've got four level one enchantments or illusions I can cast.

No, underneath your weapons, there should be a thing that says spell slots. We'll cut this from the podcast. I'm bored. You can't do it. Three spells a day. I can. That's my rule. One.

Cannon. You can do it. You can do it. Yeah, fine. Yeah, good one. Okay. I'm going to dress up as a helmy boy. Yep. Cool. You can do it. Yeah, fine. Yeah, good one. Okay, I'm going to dress up as a helmy boy. Yep, cool.

Okay. All right, the door in front of you is still closed. Okay, I get my key. Oh, do we want to plan? No, no, let's just go in. Let's go in and work out a plan. We'll wing it. That's never failed before.

I put the key against the keyhole, the pass flapper thing. Okay. Guys, let... Yeah. Okay, you are expecting the sound of a engine. You're expecting a lot of heat. Neither of those things are forthcoming. The room is eerily quiet.

There are... You see... Excuse me. You see in the distance, maybe 30 feet away, a bunch of helmsmen all carrying out what looks like industrial work in sort of enormous mechs that they're using to sort of pick things up and move things around.

Look like they're preparing for something. Gilman also are scurrying to and fro, adjusting dials, all around this one central focus point. And as you look at it, you realise immediately what it is. It's unmistakably a shard. A shark? It's unmistakably a shark. No, it's unmistakably a shard.

It's unmistakably that kind of crystal gem that powers planeswalkers. You saw one back in the Land of Giants. Unmistakably, that kind of crystal gem that powers planeswalkers. You saw one back in the Land of Giants. Yeah. It thrums with an eldritch energy. No, but it's enormous. It's unlike the other ones. Does it look stable or does it look unstable?

Great question. It looks diminished. It's glowing a little bit, but it looks really diminished. Right. I'm going to do an arcana check to see. For what? Would Friso know what power is this? Like, what is the diminishing force on it? And I rolled a 13 plus 5 is 18.

Okay, you... You get the sense that, yes, this is a mystical power source, and you think probably that because it's looking quite dim that the power is getting low. I want to know what the original power source is. It's the shard itself? Yeah, it seems self-contained. So unlike the other shards you've seen

this is enormous. It's about 10 feet by 6 feet wide and also unlike the other shards, crucially maybe you should have opened with this. It's on fire. It's on fire and so are you. You all die. Thanks for coming. It has a gaping maw.

It has a mouth with several rows of teeth sort of disappearing into blackness. Oh. And it's pointed up. It sounds a lot like a shark. Is it a black shark? It's a black crystal shark. And if you follow that moor above that moor, dangled

maybe ten feet above that moor, on a hook, on a chain, is precious Boniface. Is that right? Do you make that noise? Yes. All the guards see you. No, wait, listen.

No, I have a thing. Okay. I have an ability. When I do a shrill scream, what happens? You wrote that, Eden. So DC 15 con save or everyone has disadvantage for one round. Okay, everyone make a con save. So shrill is her shriek.

Does that include the... Oh, just one? If you have ears, you have to make a save. I rolled a 19 plus constitution. Freezo save. I'm 19, I'm fine. DC 15. Oh, you're all safe.

What about the three guards? In the mix. Two of them look mildly annoyed and one of the g Gilman just falls over. But I'm a human, right? Yep. Okay, so as a human, I'm going to threaten litigation. Very good.

I threaten litigation. You'll be hearing from my lawyer, the vineyard's lawyer. Who do you say that to? Everyone. Okay, so the Gilman are just like totally in their own world. Lawyer. The vineyard's lawyer. Who do you say that to? Everyone. Okay. So the Gilman are just like totally in their own world. They're turning wheels. They're pushing buttons.

Steam's going everywhere. You know how it is. But the three bellowsmen in the mechs turn to look at you. And they start, one of them not so well, but the other two quite well, start stomping toward all of you. Your threats of litigation have not penetrated. Well, then all I've got left is my rocket gloves. Okay, we're going into combat.

Okay, it's happening. Yes, what do I do? What do you want to do? Take it away, Eden. Have we rolled initiate? Have you worked out initiate? Yeah, it's all there. Well, Martha, we could have avoided combat,

but Martha has decided that she's going first, so Martha's going to go first. I'm furious because my child is hanging above me, above a black shark. Okay, so in the room, there's a, so you've got the large circular area with the shard in the middle, and there's like a mezzanine with stairs

that goes up around where they presumably marked him on the hook, and there's some gilmen doing stuff up there, and there's... Kind mezzanine with stairs that goes up around where they presumably uh marked him on the hook and there's some gilman doing stuff up there and there's kind of like a modeling platform uh yes you could you could use it as a catwalk if you wanted to do some modeling all right on that and there's two uh two uh steamy boys in big mechs what no you can't make what are you talking about the uh bellows men oh my, my God. Yes, that's fine. See me, boys. Too many words. Oh, hello. So what would you like to do?

I want to bash the shit out of them. Okay. With my rocket gloves. So the guy in the mech suits or the guys not in the mech suits? Whoever's coming for me, I'm coming for them. Okay, there's three mech suits coming for you. Okay. Yeah, and I'm hitting them.

Okay, so... All right, we'll make an attack roll. All right. Why did I do that? That's a six. Okay, so you're not a particularly good fighter, so you have difficulty gauging distances, so you just swing and he's still ten feet away.

All right, I'm going to run behind. Bobby, you're next. I'm going to run behind Bobby. I you're next. I'm going to run behind Bobby. I immediately get my short sword and I'm like, Halt! Prisoner! I got her! Guys, it's fine. I've got her. She's under control and I hold the sword at her back. Oh, good. Please

escort her back onto the main deck. We are about to fire up this old crystal Mabobi. And he goes, now, because he looks at the kind of, there's a massive sort of dial on the wall and you can see that it's kind of the universal kind of fuel thing. You can see that, you know what it's for?

It's fuel gauge. It's fuel gauge, yeah. Does it have an E and an F? It's really low. It doesn't have, it has two runes that signify E and F. But it has all the marks and it's got the red section there as well. It's really low. It has two runes that signify E and F. It has all the marks and it's got the red section there as well. Are we on reserve?

We're on the reserve level, are we? Yeah, and a light saying eco is flashing. I say, I can't take this woman to the passenger deck. This is a matter for the Cardinal. This is an infiltration of our sacred space. This is sacrilege. If she has seen what is happening in here, the cardinal needs to know. Yes, yes, you're quite right.

You're quite right. Jerry, fetch the cardinal. Oh, I'll be fetching the cardinal. He stomps off in his mech. A little stroppy. You ever seen a mech be stroppy? It's like... Meanwhile,

look, and he says something to one of the gilmen who two of them start pulling on a chain and Bonneton starts being lowered quite slowly down into the moor. Can I do another shrill scream? No, you kind of spent that for the next hour

or so. I think it's an hour. Are we still in combat? Well, they seem to have been thrown by Bobby's disguise, but you two are not disguised. So I want to run over to where those two gilmen are pulling on the ropes and knock them out so I can control the ropes. So I do that. I run over and I pick them up and I clonk their heads together. Okay, so is there anything in the way for her to do that?

Okay, so she can run up there. I think one of the steam boys, no, they're not steam boys. They're, what are they called? Bellowsmen runs up and chases you. So he's hot on your heels. In a mech suit or in a no suit? Not in a mech suit. He's not in a mech suit.

There's one guy in a mech suit who's coming towards you, Michael Hing. Friso. Okay. Then Friso. Do these people, they're not warriors, are they? They're engineers, right? Yeah, these are functional suits for moving things around. Okay, so Friso is going to cast Cloak of Flies.

Ooh! Which gives me advantage on intimidation checks. Okay. And I'm going to try and intimidate the mech suit man. A man in a robot suit. Yeah. You're going to intimidate him. Okay, go for it.

So the air around Friso suddenly is clogged with bugs and flies. Just everywhere. And Friso runs up to the man coming towards him in the mech suit. He runs up towards him and he says, How dare you? I'm intimidating. Uh-huh. He does an intimidation check, which is a five and an eight.

Oh, boy. Oh, you're covered in bugs. That's so embarrassing for you. That looks gross. That's like the international sign of stinking. I had an accident before. I'm so sorry. It's surprising to me.

Did you hear that that lady almost shat herself with the talent quest, by the way? What? How embarrassing. Anyway, get out of here. And then he charges at you. Gilman, sound the alarm. And yeah, he bashes a button and the sirens just go berserk. And the bulkhead door that you came through slams down.

You are inside an inner sanctum and people are not happy and the gilman who's chasing you attacks you in the back with his wrench doing four points of damage to you, Filge. Filge, right in front of you, you've just been hit in the back.

There's a gilman who's touching the button, trying to make Precious Bonathon lower faster and there's a dude attacking you from behind. I'm just going to forget about the guy attacking me from behind because he's not very good. And I'm just going to run up to the guy who's trying to press the button and I'm just going to pick him up by

the scruff of his slimy little neck and turn around and throw him at the guy behind me. Okay. Make an attack roll. So the other Gilman attacks him. Yep. It's a three. A three?

He's very slippery. As we've established, you've got slime on your hands and he slips right through your fingers. I try and press the button and it's too slippery. Okay. Oh, I reach into my pockets and find bread rolls from the buffet because white women always steal them, and I soak up some of the slime to help my new friends. Okay.

I'll allow it. Yes. You're very far away, so you have to throw them for us. You throw a bread roll. I throw the bread rolls. Okay, make a bread roll attack roll. That's a 10? It's a 10.

That's the best roll you've had so far. Because your rocket gloves are so high powered, this is a really long throw, and it gets, Filge, you get hit by some bread. No, it's not a Filge. Do I catch it? Oh, who are you throwing it at? I'm throwing it at the things that gets, Filge, you get hit by some bread. No, it's not at Filge. Do I catch it? Oh, who are you throwing it at? I'm throwing it at the things that are attacking Filge.

Are you attacking a... I'm attacking the attackers. With bread? Yeah, because they're slimy and it's absorbent. Oh, you're going to like dehydrate them. Yes. Nice. Okay, yeah, it sticks to him.

He coughs. Yeah, it sticks to... All right, fine. Well, if it sticks to him, he gains weight and he feels bad about himself. And he slinks off. He's accidentally carb loading. Take that, Carby! Yells Filch.

Okay, so Bonothan is... You haven't been able to press the button though yet, right? Bonothan is still being lowered into the... Yeah, because only rolled a three, so... Yeah, you didn't. Bobby, we're back to you. Okay, is the shard in like some sort of fixture? Is it suspended?

Is it behind glass? What's happening? It's coming out of the floor. And it's like, there's like metal holding it into the floor. It's a very big thing. It's a very big thing. It's like the dark crystal. Whoa.

Yeah. Cool. Cool. If you can cut the chain, I can fly up and catch him. Why do you need to cut the chain for that? Because otherwise I'm just holding him on a chain. I feel like you should be in position first before he does that. Okay, I'm going to fire an arrow to go right into a chain link before the pulley

so that it jams and he can't be lowered anymore. Okay, make an attack roll. Oh, boy. This is very hard. You're trying to fire an arrow through a chain? That's a one. But because of my halfling nimbleness and luckiness, I get to roll again.

He's a lucky boy. That was another one. That's a 13 plus. Yeah, it was. It pings in, but an arrow is not stronger than a chain. Are there any light sources in the room? Yes, there are lights going berserk, but as you look up, they flash a solid red.

Can we use Bobby's monocle to reflect the light and heat the crystal? Okay, wait. That's not how several things in that sentence work. Refract the light? The lights go red and behind you the bucket. Hold on a second. You know what I'm talking about when you burn ants and shit. There's not a sun.

That's why I asked about a light source. You're going to cut this out, aren't you? It's a red light, absolutely. I've embarrassed myself. No, it's just a red light, like a regular electric light. And as the bulkhead rises, steam comes out because it's dramatic. And the heavy clomp of metal boots come through as a huge hulking figure in red robes emblazoned with the symbol of the bellows, of the bellowsman. And it is he himself, the bellowsman cardinal.

King Belland. King Belland, yes. Cardinal. King Belland. King Belland, yes. And as Bonathan, precious though his life is, though precarious perhaps, hangs in the balance over the moor of the shard, even while Gilman,

pelted with bread as they find themselves, and what of Lady Casilda, trapped in the bathroom? Shae's lounge pressed up against it. And Hector hasn't done anything in a while. How will the dragon friends, Martha and Hector, rescue precious Bonifant from this new cardinal bellend for answers to questions such as these?

Tune in to the next episode of The Dragon Friends. Hello, Mama. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing. Uh, me. Susie Youssef was our special guest. Our DM is David Harmon, who was hornily away on his honeymoon during this recording, so this particular show

was DM'd by Ben Jenkins, who is currently obsessed with the video game God of War, though I personally haven't enjoyed it, but that's fine. Shakira Khan designs our website, Beth McMullen edits, mixes and sometimes fixes our podcast and this episode featured sound and music by Dan and Liam Scatt from

Burger King Illuminati. Hope you're all well. Speak soon.