Dragon Friends - #5.16. Undermining a Dracula with Tom Cardy

Episode Date: November 28, 2019

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Are we ready to play some mother flippin' Dungeons and Dragons? We are the crew, we joyfully join the fray No doubting do, we wouldn't pursue But thinking it through, that isn't the Dragon way The poets say that there is no force in the nine known worlds greater than love But the poets have never heard of obsession, dark, and yearning, all consuming a force that makes mockery of gods and fools of men. Such is the force consuming Monstrad von Zarovich,

the dark lord that never forgave and never forgot, and then died when he was stabbed repeatedly by Filch. Since that time, the dragon friends have crested worlds old and new, cyber Tokyos and strange Feywilds. They have ventured far and near and found a way home, and yet they have never truly found peace, for death has haunted them at all time. Death that comes in many forms

and now comes in the form of a mysterious cult known as the Order of the Lamp Wick. That death now proclaims that there are seven gates to be opened and it seems that most have been. Lovers froze at midnight. Woods burned as the moon shone. Brother stabbed after brother. Tomes of learning

sucked out of the heart. Others brought to Dagothed from far away. And yet a dark lord still slumbers. Once he returns, the sixth gate will open and all that will be left is the seventh, all that saves this world from the darkness of the next. But you have found... Very cool. Tom Lowndes, everybody. Very cool. You have found that your luck has not yet run out. Impersonating the Dark Lord lord bobby you learned precious

clues you have learned that the dark lord's body resides amidst the bones of his lover you have learned that he cannot be awoken without something called the blood of the arch rival and you have found a way out of the illustrated man true it has not been without cost. Your friend Table is dead, died, slumped against a wall, barricading it shut in a manner arguably similar to another death suffered by a Tom Walker character back in season one. He will be missed, but not that much.

And now you have found that your first friend Grimselbuck has betrayed you as he stands between you and salvation. By the door, a chocolate coin in his hands. Do you have any idea what it took to get you here? Do you have any idea what contempt I hold all of you in? Sorry, we're over here. Oh, okay, sorry. I was, um...

Sorry. Smokey Dave Paisley, a half-elf bard, gently nudges Grimm in the direction of Banknote, who is still obnoxiously sitting on a hospital bed. Yes. Oh, okay, so like, ha, ha, ha.

I've been blind for, like, two days. I mean, but you weren't... This is of your own... You tore out your own eyes. Yeah. This is your own fault. I know. I'm not saying that was, like...

It'd be different if, you know, it wasn't your fault, it was an accident, but you tore out your own eyes. I'm not going to show sympathy for you. You're evil. No, I understand. I'm not saying that was like a... It'd be different if, you know, it wasn't your fault, it was an accident, but you tore out your own eyes. Yeah, but that was like... I'm not going to show sympathy for you. You're evil. No, I understand. I'm just saying. It's not ableism.

You're evil. I know it's not. I want to be very clear. I'm not making... You've torn out... You're evil. You're not cancelled. Is that what you want to know?

No one's cancelling you. Christ. Canceling you! Christ! And of course... And for why... Do I bring back the people who torment me so? You miss us? No, I don't miss you. Band! Seize her! And with that, the three members of Grimm's band You miss us? No, I don't miss you. Band, seize her.

And with that, the three members of Grim's band start to walk towards you when we go into initiative, which I have pre-rolled. So the first one up is you, Baston, this time. I want to kick Grim's salt bag. Can I just remind you, I'll paint the scene for you. So there it is. Jackster is still standing with a pry bar

by the crates then you have Wolfman Jack the actual wolfman who is standing by the doors and then you have Grimm

who is flanked on either side by Smokey Dave Paisley who is a I want to say a lead guitarist yep and also

three-tone Tony who is a half-elf bass guitarist. I think he was two-toned Tony. Yeah, he's been promoted. I'm going to run over, grab the pry bar off Jackster, and open the crate. Okay, make for me quickly an opposed strength check. Oh, yeah, go on.

Twelve. Okay, that succeeds, yeah. Go on. Twelve. Okay, that succeeds, yeah. Ha-ha. And I open the crate. All right, you grab... You grab the pry bar, and in a second, a look of panic on Jack Disire appears as his Trump weapon is denied him. But then, as really a freebie, you open it for him, releasing the first of the crates, which is a gibbering mouther. What does that look like?

Picture, if you will. Ah, too many mouths! Yeah, it's kind of like, how would you describe that, Ben? Yeah, it's kind of like... How would you describe that, Ben? I want to... Has anybody seen the Nicolas Cage film The Colour From Out Of Space? The llamas in that.

A resounding no from the audience. It's a lot of mouths in a kind of flesh heap. Yeah. Dan, I kind of want to crack it open and then spin behind it. That's not what you said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's not what you said.

This is what I meant, though. Well, it's... then spin behind it. That's not what you said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's not what you said. This is what I meant, though. Well, it's... If wishes were fishes. What does that mean? I never really understood. So, you... If wishes were fishes, there'd be none left in the ocean by 2040, everyone.

Don't! That's like applauding math. Don't! You crack the crate open and out stalks with one wretched arm followed by another with a pulsating migratory skin forming and reforming around 12 gnashy mouths. And I say to it, attack! Does Bastogne have the spell command, perhaps?

He does not. No, but he's got very high charisma. It looks at you and it spits a globule of blinding spittle at you. Make a DC 13 dexterity save. Hmm, I don't like this at all. Oh, yeah, go on. Dexterity. Yeah.

Hmm. Do you want the good news or the fact that I failed? You got 12 I got 12, 12 12's not enough And Bastogne, it hits him in the eyes And Bastogne, like, I have to say, Grim Saltback His eyes become a red ruin as he is blinded

My face, my beautiful face Yeah, not so funny now, is it? I didn't make jokes about it Oh yeah, you know what? You didn't. And you know what? I respect that. But I just want to say, in this instance, we wouldn't make fun of him because he didn't do this to himself.

And also, he's not evil. So those are the two parts to why it's okay. Damn! We still not cancelled, baby! Bobby Pancakes, you're up next. I'm going to make a dash to one of the horses that is tied up, untied, and leap on its back. Okay, make for me quickly. I believe that is an animal handling check.

We haven't done many of those. DC-12. Can you handle an animal? That's a three. The horse bolts. No. The horse breaks the bedsheets and bolts as the horses leave. And the rest of the horses leave with him.

That's how terrified he is. Do they leave out the door? Yes, and the doors are flung wide open. Oh, nice. They're meant to do it. Banknote, you're up. Dave, I can never remember what this one does, but I think it does a lot of damage.

So I'm going to cast a thunder wave. All right. At the mouth. The level zero cantrip. Fuck, what's the other one? No, it's a level... No, this is the one you mean. You always get confused with Thunders.

Yeah, okay, Thunder Wave. Excellent. Yes. 15-foot cube originating from you. At the mouths. At the mouths. Okay, both of them? What's the ratio of... Are you doing it, both of them? What's the ratio of

Are you doing it on both of them? What's the ratio of mouths to buttholes on these monsters? Great question. Let me consult the image. Because looking at the image, it's all mouth, no butthole. No, I think even the mouth is a tiny butthole. Yeah, but that's just a photo of the front of it. Are you saying this monster shits out its own mouth, Dave? Yes. Does it have taste buds? Yes.

Yeah. That's why it's so angry. Alright, now that's absolutely allowed, Hing. So you cast Thunder Wave on the two gibbering mouthrs. Is this two? And, well, there was two crates, remember? Yeah, they've got to make a constitution-saving throw of 12. Excellent.

All right, so the first one fails its constitution-saving throw. Point of order. Bastion only opened one crate. It's already happened. He's taken control! Six points of damage to the first one. The second one succeeds its check and only takes half of the damage. That's only three points of damage.

But the crate that the other one is held in, well, that's a critical. So the crate explodes and both of the gibbering mouthers are now free. Oh, no. And if they had voices, what would that sound like, Ben? The gibbering mouthrs? Everyone can do a different voice because they've got many mouths. It tastes like shit! One, two, three.

Terrifying So Filch, you're up next Filch can see that Her friends are taking care of the Mothers quite well, and she's going to take care of Grim Saltback. Yeah. And she's going to pull out her magic wand. Oh, you mean Diljah's Great Club?

That's right. Okay. And she's going to cast a spell. Spell number one or spell number two? Two. Spell number two. All right. Spell number two. All right, spell number two. Interesting.

Spell number two. Dave doesn't know what spell number two is. He's got bad pick. No, no, no. This is, everything is going according to plan. So, Dilj. For grabbing Dilj's great club, a club given to you by your brother. My late great brother.

Two spells hidden inside, written in your heart. You cast spell number two. As we all know, spell number one is protection from good and evil. Spell number two is, however, a spell that we do not know. A new spell. A spell... Oh, no, but it changes when I level up. It does change, yeah.

It changes every time you level up. Once it was... He's fucking quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, excellent. You cast the spell, and the spell is Expeditious Retreat. Now, this means that for up to ten minutes, Filge, you can travel, you can do bonus dashes.

You can essentially travel at double speed. Ooh, like a little Sonic the Hedgehog. You're a little Sonic the Hedgehog. Not a huge amount of combat applications, but you speed up. Cool. That's your bonus action. Spell number two, this level, is a bonus action,

so you can still do something else So can I cast it Can I Is the next thing I do Is use the spell Like Do my next For the rest of this combat

Oh Okay I'm gonna run around And scoop up all the dragos All of the dragos That's sweet Yeah and get out of there Make a strength check

Is she like as fast as the Flash? No, she's twice as fast as a half-orc. So that's pretty weird. I want to pile them all on the hospital bed. And that's the, I don't know how many goes it's going to take, but that's the aim. Pop them all on the bed. Strength check DC 13. Oh, that's pretty good.

Do I get any extra things? No, it wouldn't have been. Oh. Oh, I rolled a two there. Two's pretty good. Do I get any extra things? No, it wouldn't have been... Oh. I rolled a two there. Two? Alright. It'll take at least another turn to do it.

Okay. You pick up banknote and that's about it. And now it's Grim's turn. And Grim looks

at you and he says... Well, he doesn't. Grim looks at a beam in the room and he says, Dave Paisley, now! And Smokey Dave Paisley points at you,

Bobby, and he casts Tasha's hideous laughter, making me a wisdom saving throw. That's an 18 plus... That's it. 18. Alright, suddenly everything seems very funny and then it seems less funny, kind of like you'd watched...

What is a movie that at first you think is very funny and then you realise isn't? Austin Powers 2? American Pie is dated poorly. Sure. Yeah, so you... Ha! Ha!

Unfortunately, and then that is it. And then Bastogne, it's your next go. Okay. Can I also say that Grimm had this spell because he thought about transitioning from scar to improv comedy? Just a slippery slope. Yeah. Dave, using...

Because Bastogne's a monk. Yeah. He's going to go real slow and slow down his breathing and he's going to meditate and just do... He's going to use his blind fighting skill. You're blind? Yeah. Oh, okay, great.

Yeah. I mean... I mean, you made him blind, Dave. No, that's clever. Yeah. Yeah, all right. I mean, he doesn't... I don't know whether to come clean with the fact that he doesn't have that skill or...

I could have. I'm a good person. I didn't want to lie to you. Roll a deception check against your dungeon master. Just fucking lie to him. He's the enemy. Why would you come clean? 17.

No, you have disadvantage. Why? Because you told the truth and in real life, the truth gets you nowhere. Deception. You snitched on yourself, bro. I know. I should have followed through. I should have.

I know. I'm sorry I disappointed you, Michael. Fucking coward. With disadvantage. I got the second one is, yeah, 16 and 17. Suck it, Dave. I'm an amazing blind ninja! And I just start

doing, I use my flurry of blows and start kicking ass. Roll out how much damage that is on Grim. Now, the next Wolfman Jack, the actual Wolfman charges at you, Bobby, and attacks you with both of his attacks and his bite attack, but misses. And then it is now banknotes turn.

No, Bobby's turn. Bobby's turn. Okay, I'm going to take one of the vials of fire that I have in my possession and throw it at one of the mouth monsters. Yeah, great. Okay, make me dexterity. Just a touch attack. That's a 16.

That hits. All right, one of them screams in pain of all five of its mouths. That's actually quite upsetting. And then it takes eight points of damage. Nine points on Grimmsong. All right, all right. You told me to tell you. Don't get shirty about it.

And then the next one up is the Mouthers. And one of the Mouthers suddenly rises up on its... Butt. Mucus. And all of its mouths scream at once. And now all of you make for me a wisdom saving throw against DC 18. Fail. Nat 20, baby.

Uh-oh. Fail. All right, everybody. Suddenly, you all are frightened, which means that you all run through the door as fast as you can, racing out, leaving you banknote. Fuck! Wait, do I get...

Do I have a bravery... I got a bravery something. Brave, you have advantage on saving throws against me. Roll it again. Roll it again. 11. Failed. Failed.

So, all of you race out, which means that any one of you that races out takes also seven points of damage as you run past the three of them who slash at you as you go back. Oh, no. What were the mouths saying? So all of them were screaming, but then one wasn't.

No, no, they were screaming a kind of... It was a spell. What are you... We just had, like, one of the mouths... No, you look disappointed at me. What's going on? I didn't have a thing. Honestly, I shouldn't have done this.

That's right. No, no, no. Ben has a thing, everyone. I didn't have a thing. Go away. That's fine Presenting Ben's joke Hey everybody I'm the mouth that isn't screaming!

That was Ben's joke! Yeah! So, that's everybody's action. So, Banknote, we jump straight to you. And let me say that when Phil runs, Phil runs twice as far as everyone else, so it's well down the street. Did we all like Scooby-Doo skedaddle

out of there? I was just thinking, Dave, that it wasn't Banknote in Filch's arms. Did I say it? So when Filch ran away scared... I said you were the only one picked up? Okay, so all of you, unless you want to fight, unless you want to fight at Hing want to fight it, Hing,

and I would hate to ever tell you what to do. No, but as we run away, I'm going to cast... Hing, if you don't fight it, you're a coward. Dave, I'm a good boy. And as we flee, Dave, I'm going to cast Grease behind us so that if they run through, they're going to get fucking home alone. Amazingly. All right, so you cast Grease,

and a thick slick of oil appears on the doors, and you can see all of the band falling, and the last thing you see is a newly lucid Thomas Smedley get to his feet and try to race through the door before slipping to his feet and is dragged back into the room by Grim Salt back before the doors slam shut. Presumably all that grease caught

on fire as well, right? It is not that kind. It is not oil. You said it was oil. Yeah, you said it. It's oil-like. It's oily. It's oily. What is it, Dave? You're like peanut butter. Peanut butter burns? Don't ask me why I know that. like peanut butter Yeah it's like peanut butter Peanut butter burns It was peanut butter Don't ask me why I know that

Does peanut butter burn? Yeah peanut butter burns What? You can burn Look frankly you can burn anything If you try hard enough He's not wrong The arctic's on fire

So are we all like Are we all like slumped against the door Like catching our breath You are halfway down the street before you come to your senses as you discover that you have escaped the decorated man, but you have lost much. You have lost Thomas Smedley, but, miracle of miracles, you still have,

because you uncovered his treachery, the book, the tome. Bobby, you still have the tome in your hands, and for a moment, you are by yourselves. Let's have a drink of water. There is a water fountain. I have a sip of water from the water fountain. It's brackish and not very nice.

Oh, well. I'm going to do a quick flick through the book. Yep. Is there anything that I can understand in it? No, it seems, if anything, it seems all arcane. It's a spell. It's a ritual of some sort. Okay, I take one of my other fire potions

and put it on the, just set fire to the book. I destroy it. The book doesn't burn, interestingly. So you cast... Well, hang on, Dave. As we discussed. I mean, we just haven't put enough fire on it yet. So let's just try this.

All right. Your mundane alchemist's fire isn't enough to burn it. Okay. All right, Bushu Dutu, get out here. Okay. Your small ambulatory Roomba with a flamethrower. Yes, master. Give a little flick with the flame.

See if it... I live to burn. I burn for you. Anything, Dave? Anything? The burst of flame goes forth until all you can see is fire, and then it dies down, and the book is unmarked on the floor.

I have failed you. Yes, you have. Okay. I stuff... And I don't want you to ever forget it. Bushu, I think you made a great effort. I stuff it down the front of my shirt. Yes, it's yours again.

Oh, it catches on fire. It does not. It's nipples. It's nipples that does it. All right. Now there's no one left in this town that we can trust. But only one person's left. Crawford.

To the fire station. To the fireford. To the fire station! To the fire station! To the fire station. The fire station... My answer is... The fire station is... If we set a fire here, he'll come to us. Alright.

That's true. Because I was going to say, the fire station is at least one quarter away in Daggerford. You no longer have LaCroix showing up with incredibly useful carriages for you. I think... Let's hoof it to the fire station. That's as good a place to reconvene and get our act together.

What's around us? I just realised how fucking stupid this show is. Just now? Yeah, just now. You are in the money quarter. The fire department is in the caravan quarter. That lady's office is here. You are in the money quarter. The fire department is in the caravan quarter. Oh, that lady's office is here.

Yes, lady. She's in the money quarter. Truscott's? Also, Hoffman House is in the money quarter. Oh, we own that house. Didn't we burn it down a bit? No, you burnt it a little bit. Yeah.

Hoffman House? Yeah, it's the closest. Oh, and there's that secret compartment under the stairs we can hide in if people are tracking us down. Great. All right, you bang on the doors of Hoffman House, an old house distinguished in the money quarter, once the site of a famous family, now laid to ruin. And the doors open a creek, and inside you see the figure of Smiggins the butler. You kill all of you, you bloody hellos.

Smiggins, we need to lay low for a minute Yeah, lay low in a grave, maybe Yeah, whatever you have, we'll be grateful for Come on in, there's plenty of room Speaking of graves Yeah Is there a graveyard? Is there one main graveyard in the town?

Oui, there's one main graveyard not too far from here. And that's... And then... Okay. Yeah, cool. Guys, just thinking out loud, and let's take a moment to refresh ourselves as we have a brief discussion.

What can I get? A drink, perhaps, of the poisons? Anything but poison, please. Anything but poison, he says. All right. And he goes to the drinks cabinet and takes a bottle that has a skull and crossbones on it and looks at it sad and puts it away

and then mixes you some quite nice Manhattans. And as he holds the tray, he looks at you and he goes, this is a bit awkward, and how exactly are you all going to pay for this? And as he holds the tray, he looks at you and he goes, this is a bit awkward, but, uh, and how exactly are you all going to pay for this? You see, you own the house, but nothing inside, so I'm going to have to... That's a stupid technicality. Shut up.

Just shut up. We're having a very bad day. I'm going to have to charge you for the drinks. Put it on the tab. I've got this. No, no, no, shut up. I've got this. Because, Dave, in my list of items that I was allowed to have at the thing, one of them I wrote down, which you haven't crossed off, unlike everything else, is a credit card. So. Literally, I just heard one member of the audience yell, yes, suck shit, Dave!

It's what they're saying with their applause every time. Yeah, okay, so what you have is you have a sigil of Ruthergill in a house, familial home of the family Banknote, which allows your parents to put things on your tab, and you give it to him, and he... He takes out a dusty... Swipes it with a magical F-boss machine. Yep.

He goes, oh, give me that, and I'm going to put it through a fantasy bloody pay pass. Sorry, do I tap it? A fantasy tile. Is tap okay? Yeah, no, do... Is tap okay? Yeah, but I'm going to tap it on the top or on the side.

Sometimes I go to tap it on the top, but it's on the side. No, this one's on the top. Okay. It's taking away. No, you don't do it yet. Wait. Hang on. No, just...

Do it when I say you can do it. Like that? No. You're doing it before I said you could do it. And that's the... I'll kill you. Okay. before I said you could do it and that's the I'll kill you okay the runes have warmed up okay I'm just gonna put on the side like that no it's the top yeah put it on the... Ten minutes later. On the top.

And banknote, your card fails a third time. An ancient sigil series of runes flashes in an arcane language that you recognise that says, Insufficient funds. Host account signatory notified. And then there is a flurry of magical energy eddying around the drinks room of Old Hoffman House that forms and coalesces into the shape of a proud and star-worn champion of a house of old, Flo Sin. It is, of course, Strongheart Banknote,

your father, played by Tom Cuddy! It's nice to be on this side of the table. Thanks, Mum. Can you describe the character that we see? Oh, yes. I'm medium height. I've got sort of the same sort of blonde platinum hair But sort of straight back and down my head Are you like a Malfoy situation?

Are you an ASMR or a human? ASMR Okay ASMR So you have wings as well? Yeah, big ones And they've got jewels on them Alright

Are the jewels so heavy so you can't fly? Yeah, absolutely I try sometimes, I go, it doesn't matter Well, I look nice. Didn't your father choke to death on a large amount of ball bearings? In a dream, yes. No, that's what he told them. He did tell them that.

Yeah, you told them that, but it's not true, is it? Oh, okay. Is it? So that's what Filch says. I mean, the last time I saw him, he was eating a lot of ball bearings. And I said to him, Father, that's enough to kill a horse. I know. I killed a horse. Lila, you're telling rumours again, aren't you?

Yes, I just wanted to seem cool by having a dead dad. Who ate ball bearings. seem cool by having a dead dad who ate poor babies. My, my, you've been a very naughty boy. You haven't been to your tutorials or your lectures. The university have called me. You've been a very bad boy. And Phil

puts one hand straight up in the air. Mr. Banknote, he tell us he a good boy. Mr. Banknote, Mr. Banknote, I saw him smoking drugs before. You what? Mr. Banknote. Yes? Mr. Banknote.

Yes, little one? He was trying to drink some alcohol before. What? Mr. Banknote, Mr. Banknote. Who said that? It's me. Who said that? It's me.

Bobby Pancakes. Hello. He looks down. Ah, goodness. You look a little bit like a Dracula. Am I still? At any rate,

I heard him wanking in a hyperbaric chamber. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Oh, no. Oh, no. All things I'm... This is a low point. Very disappointed in each and every one of these things,

except for the drugs. Listen, Lila, you must come home with me now. What did you call me? What did you call me? Oh, you don't call... Lila, that's what everyone calls him. Has he been using his full name with you? No!

No, my name is Lion Shield, not Lion... Oh, God, no, Dad. Lila! Lila! Lila! Lila! Lila! lai. Lai, lai. Lai, lai. Lai, lai. Lai, lai. Lai, lai.

Lai, lai. Lai, lai. Lai, lai. Lai, lai. Lai, lai. Yes, I like your friends, Lai, lai. Oh, Dad. Oh, Dad.

No. Yeah. Hey. Lion Shield, you've been using too much of my money, and you'll be coming home with me. Say goodbye to your friends. Uh, okay, bye. Good luck with the end of the world, fuckers.

Hing, hing. No, look, I can't, I can't go. We're trying to save the world. Dad, if you'd let me. Please, Dad. Oh, you never let me do anything. Go. Go. Please, Dad Oh, you never let me do anything Go Fine, you have until the end of the night

to save the world and you're coming home with me Will you be coming on this journey to save the world? Sorry, I'm certainly very invested in this Oh, absolutely I'm not letting Lai Lai out of my sight lest he spend my money and smoke more weed. Great Hard Banknote tells you, Lion Shield, that you have until the carriage.

He has charted a magical portal from the Temple of Mystra to Flosen at nine o'clock tonight. No, sorry. It's the middle of the night. So nine o'clock tomorrow in the evening, you're going to have to go with him back to Flossen. Back to Rutherglen, your familial estate. Oh, okay. Well, I feel like we'll wrap this up in the next 24 hours. But as he said, he's not letting you out of his sight till then. Okay.

Everything you do, my eyes see. Well. Well, not everything. Everything. And more. Okay, Dad. Now, there is some awkwardness here because I did just mix these Manhattans for the group. It's on me!

Yay! I'm not just a dad, I'm a cool dad. I take one of my many rings off and I flick it at his head. Right, you'll pay for that. Guys, this is great. Lai Lai, your father is great. Lai Lai, your father is wonderful. Stop calling me that!

Okay, okay. Why did you never tell us you have such a cool dad? So cool. Now, just in regards to... He's a cool dad. Saving that, thank you. The world. As I see it, we have one last chance. And that is to stop the real strut.

Who is doing that? Smiggins is on an organ in the corner of the room. I have hobbies. Bobby, might I suggest the last one here on the poem

was returning the Dark Lord to settle a score. Now, if you're not Strahd, and I don't think you are, that means he's somewhere here in the city. So we should find

the casket, because they said they thought they were going to raise him from the casket. In his lover's arms. Who's his lover? Irina. Irina Kalyana. Petrina Kalyana. Petrina K's his lover? Irina. Irina Kalyana. Petrina Kalyana. Petrina Kalyana. Irina someone.

A little, yeah, so to remind. A little mouse sticks his little head out of a hole. Petrina Kalyana. He's got glasses

and a waistcoat. He's dressed in a red tie. And there's another mouse dressed exactly like him. Petrina Kalyana was of course Strahd's lover. Irina Kalyana is Bastogne's wearing a red tie, and there's another mouse dressed exactly like him. But Trina Colliana was of course Strath's lover.

Irina Colliana is Bastogne's betrothed, who is... Oh yeah, who I still totally care about. Where are you? Smiggins, having murdered many, I assume, and being a godly man, presumably you lay them to rest.

I buried them in the town. I mean, I buried people. Some whom I had occasion to believe that I infected their transition from life. Damn it, man. Do you know the cemetery well? Yes, I know it perfectly well. It's right over there. And do you know its ins, its outs,

its byways and highways? Is it alphabetically? Put me in, coach! I know it really fucking well. We're looking for Petrina Colliana. All right, no, no, no.

In a Barovian-style grave. And he gets out a pen and he's like, Give me the name. Petrina Kalyana. All right. Give me the date of death. Oh, 1,000 years ago. 1,000...

Oh. Give her 10 years. Give her 10 years. Well, no. She's not going to be laid to rest in the town cemetery. What about Count Von Zarovich? No, none of this is going to be... The town cemetery goes back about 500 years.

The oldest person buried in the cemetery is Dottie Dongs. Oh, Dottie Dongs, my old friend. Can we swing by? She was killed 500 years ago. She's the oldest tombstone. How was she killed, Ben? She ate too many

ball bearings. She ate far too many ball bearings, which was two. Yeah, so the Dagavid Graveyard was inaugurated 500 years ago. You're correct that the Zarevich Koyana marriage was a thousand

years ago. But do we not have a map? Or did I burn that map? I have a drawing of a map of old. A thousand years ago? Yeah, a thousand years ago. Old map! Get the old map out of your asshole! Alright, a thousand years ago. Old map, old map. Old map.

Get the old map out of your arsehole. All right, so you're talking inside the Hoffman Journal. Did you say get the old map out of your arsehole? Yes. It's a figure of speech. Inside the Hoffman Journal, you look at the notes that you made. And indeed, Carcosa used to half be over the lands that were the sanatorium and half over what is now Daggerford.

And you quickly look at the notes that you made and you discover that, yes, there was an old Carcassian city of the dead. It is in an area, it was built over a geological feature which was marked on these old maps that was known as the Dragon's Back. Hmm.

The Dragon's Back. To the Boner Hills. No, the Dragon's... It's not time for the Sexlympics! Do you think that's where the Dragonback Inn was possibly built, on the Dragon's Back? That makes a lot of sense. That makes a lot of sense! Wait, wait, wait!

But if you move the S... Yes? The Dragon's Back! The Dragon is back! Strahd von Zarevich is a dragon. Dave, am I close? Dave? Dad?

To the inn. Outside the dragon back inn. No, sorry, did you have something to say there, Tom? So embattled by my son right now. Holding his head in the corner of the room while his son's working this out very slow. Racing. Smiggins loans you the carriage now that, again, the LaCroix doesn't work for you. He lends you the Hofferman carriage and you race to the caravan

district to the Dragonback Inn, which you discover seems to be empty. All the lights are closed. It is now close to dawn. It is about four in the morning as you make your way to the site of where it all began. Grim Saltbacks Inn, where

you stayed four years ago. This place feels like it has a lot of history for you guys. Are there doors to like a basement or cellar? Well, you're outside. Yeah. Yeah, but like around... Oh yeah. I'm feeling around

on the ground. Or I'm asking questions. Can anybody... Am I still blind, Dave? But I don't want to be. You know what? It's been enough time. Make for me a second constitution save. Okay. PC-14. 19.

Oh, my God. Alright. One Okay. DC 14. 19. Oh my God. All right. One of Baston's eyes is working again, but I'm afraid to say that the other one seems ruined. Well, no depth perception. You are going to look fucking cool with an eye patch, man. Yeah, that's... Wow.

You know what? Next season, not. You're right. I will look cool. Oh, yes, good. We have an eyeepatch for Eden yeah thank you

thank you to one of our two Hyperion Max cosplayers yeah should we split up and look for always well yeah and look for a graveyard

an old graveyard. Yeah, in the backyard. Backyard or in the cellar I think is a good option. Who's going to the backyard and who's going to look for a cellar? I'll go with Mr Banknote. And me. Which one's Mr Banknote? Obviously the dad.

Oh. You almost said hot dad. You almost said hot dad. And then you corrected it to dad. Filch. Hot dad. Filch very quickly points at the dad. And she's like, Mr. Banknote, we should go to the graveyard.

You can call me Papa Banknote if you'd like. In a canonical sense, it's been a long time between drinks for Filch. That's true. I feel like I have to say, if you fuck my dad, I'm going to feel real weird about that. I'm not saying you can't do it, obviously. What two adults... Children should be seen and not heard.

You've been... You've been a real square, boy. And Great Heart goes and sackwaxes son. Uncle! Daddy! Oh, God. So, all right. Filge and Great Heart Banknote go and...

Wait, is he saying Great Hard Banknote? Great Heart. Oh, okay. They go to stake out the back garden, but the rest of you creak the door open to discover that the main... It's four in the morning, and the door is ajar, and the main bar is empty.

The lights are off, and it seems like the Dragonback Inn is closed for business. Grim Saltback is nowhere to be seen. Okay. Let's go behind the bar. for business. Grim's saltback is nowhere to be seen. Let's go behind the bar. That seems like the obvious place that you'd look for a trapdoor. Yep. You sneak behind the bar

and you see some of Grim's signature home-brewed beer. Yep, you see it all and none of it's listed, which is odd. And you see it all, and none of it's listed, which is odd. And you see his signature menu snacks. Again, they're just one, two, three, four. But no names on any of them.

And you see a small book that is for VIP members of the bar, which is simply labelled a joke by Benjamin Coleman Jenkins. And you open it up and it says... It's just a mirror. It's just he's put a mirror. It's just... He's put a mirror in there. As you pick up the joke book, there is a click. And a giant portrait of the Mighty Mighty Barstones...

Who exist in this world. Who exist in this world, which were standing over the bar, slides to the side and it reveals steps leading down. After you, Mr. Pancakes. After you, Lai Lai. Okay, after you, Bushu D2. I long to please. There's a clatter but otherwise silence.

Bagnol's going to cast light from the tip of his wand. What wand? You have a wand. Oh, I have a wand. Because I levelled up at the end of last... And you get a wand?

Yeah, it's like 5th edition. It's an artifice, you get a wand and it stores a cantrip. At 5th edition. Oh, you can make wands now. I made one out of... So what does it look like? What did you make it out of? I made it out...

Because you only had this kind of opium den and... Yeah, using the tools that you had at your disposal. What's a piton? I have a piton. A piton. It's a spike you hammer into a wall to climb a cliff. Oh, then that's the only other thing you haven't crossed out. Table's leg. Table's leg, ooh.

No, that would be great, but banknote wasn't there when... You do have two corpses in your bag of holding. Ooh. Or the... Chongus! You do have two corpses in your bag of holding. Bank notes chongus, as far as we know, is perfectly legitimately normal. Don't ask my father! Anyway, I'll take the spine out of one of the corpses from the bag of holding. No, wait, what?

You can't just say, I'll take the spine. Well, Dave, it's been in there for days. It would have rotted down. It would be easy to repair. It's not like a fucking zip cord and a Beyblade, mate. Filch, would you let her rip, please? I'm at the back with your dad. Meanwhile, out the back with Banknote's dad. So, Mr. Banknote, coming out here to get your son,

bet the wife is worried about you. Alas, my wife is long gone. Very sad, very sad. Many a night I look into the stars alone, looking for the next, thinking, why, why can't I find love, or at least a fling? It's hard to make the time for yourself to have a fling. So true, so true. Me wonder if the thing that maybe will save us from the end of the world is love.

maybe will save us from the end of the world is love. Or following the clues, I mean. But I mean, are we really just throwing ideas at the wall at this point? Stop, wait. And Great Heart puts one finger on the lips. Of her mouth, yes.

It's been so long sitting up there Not having to justify everything I do Absolutely true You can't be half-orc, could you? Why, yes I am Yeah, me, half-orc Half-orc Half Just a girl

Sorry Half? Org? Half? Just a girl. Sorry, he whispered half horny in my ear. Vilt, I'm afraid I've just met you but I... I can't contain myself. I have to show that I care. And Great Heart takes her hand and shakes it vigorously. Meanwhile, inside the house, you have found stairs leading down as you pull out. In the time that that takes,

Banknote, using a scalpel and years of medical practice, extracts most of his spine and turns it into an unnecessary wand. Which now holds the cantrip light, which I can cast at will. And you stare down the stairs to see an empty room with Bushu D2, your ambulatory flamethrower, on its back, wiggling its little legs.

Hey, Hing, importantly, does Banknote flip it back over? Why would you do that, Leon? Interesting, interesting. No, I think because Bushid is asking why. Banknote goes,

yes, that's for failing me before. And then he flips him over. Come along. Thank you. Otherwise, this is an empty rehearsal room. You can see a few instruments, some saxophones, a horn section, a guitar, and posters around of various Daggerthotian ska bands, and a door leading to the west.

I go through the door. Opening the door, you discover more of the old city, the sewers, leading down, again, just a river of sewerage. On each side of it, what seems to be sconces built into the rock. These don't seem to be rooms so much as they are crypts or mausoleums. And there are inscriptions, old and weathered, at the top of each one. What language are they in? Common and a mixture of common and also a language that is not all Barovian,

but nevertheless Mastan, you seem to be able to decipher it. It's a similar tongue. All right, well, let's go reading. Let's go reading. Let's go reading! Not that one. Not that one. Make an investigation check. This has to be Bastogne.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Mmm. Seven. Adjusted. It takes you a while with Bastogne carrying seven adjust it it takes you a while with Bastogne carrying him back and forth in front of because he can't read and walk at the same time

he's only got one eye and he's got bad depth perception he keeps walking into the wall but after a while Bastogne and you are very aware that time is of the essence. As day begins to break and you start to get a sense that you can hear noises in the town above you. Screams, it seems.

And they're in the distance that are getting closer. Screeches that are familiar to you, that remind you of your time at the Decorated Man. you of your time at the Decorated Man, but eventually, Baston, you point to a tomb and carved in this Old Barovian language above the doors, you see, here lies Petrina, Rose of Carcosa, fairest of Koleanas, who died on her wedding night at the hand of a monster. May she rest now for the ages and may he find no peace hereafter. The doors to this crypt have been broken and jammed open. After you, Mr. Pancakes. Bobby's going to sneak in very stealthily. Make a stealth check.

That's a... 15. 15. All right, Bobby, by himself, walks into the room while the rest of you loiter outside, and you see in the vestibule in front of this crypt with presumably the tomb

at the back of the crypt, there is an empty space with dust on the floor disturbed. You can see footprints of those that have come and gone and plonked down in the middle of the vestibule is an oak and cedar coffin in black oak lying there in the middle of the vestibule.

I call the others in. Yep. Oh, no. A box. A bit of time has elapsed. A little time has elapsed, so also Filge and Great Heart, you can join them if you want to.

Yes, yeah, okay, so we'll... You peek your heads down the corridor? Yeah. And it's Bobby Coulson. Spooky down here, guys. This box is... a rectangle. More of a pentagram, really.

What? Okay. Is it closed, Dave? What's it made out of? It's a hexagram. It's a hexagon, really, isn't it? A coffin? Is it wooden?

Yes, it is. Is it wooden? Yes, oak and cedar, I think I said. I've got this pit on. Should we just drive it through the stake through the heart? No, that's not. It's got to be a wood stake. All of you are standing at the door.

Bobby is only a couple of steps into the room. The room is otherwise empty. Ten feet into the vestibule is the coffin. There is no light other than the light from Lion Shield's piton spinal horror. Does anybody have anything made of wood that is sharp? Seems like we should have thought about this beforehand. We could just use a part of the coffin. We had a guy cot table, but...

I've got a heavy crossbow. No, that's different. The crossbow bolts, are they wooden or are they metal? If you took the tip of a crossbow bolt, are they wooden or are they metal? If you took the tip of a crossbow bolt, it would be wood. Okay. Just me think if the door was already open, then maybe there's an empty coffin.

Whoever would come in here probably done already everything they want to do. Look, and I opened one box today and it went fine. So... Bobby like snaps the end off an arrow and hands it to Bastogne.

It's a small cedar stake. Depth perception, save me. Wait, Filch, hold this thing. On the count of three, let's push the top off and then Bastogne, just jam it in there.

Wait, let's do another one. So, I give one to Filch as well. Okay, I got one too. I'm poised. Look, let's all get them. Yeah, and we'll... No, no, no. Some of us are going to have to move the coffin. So, let's do that, alright?

I'll move the coffin. What, by yourself? Maybe. Just opening the lid, yeah? Yeah, the three of us will open the lid. Okay, we've all got our jobs, okay? Wait, what's my job? You're moving the lid with me!

Okay. One, two, three, move the lid. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. I've already started my stabbing motion. Okay, you push the door of the coffin open, and as you do, two things happen at the same time. A shimmering field blooms out from the coffin, and your movement slows as if through treacle as it goes slower and slower and slower

and at that moment, you hear the sound of a voice in the doorway behind you. I can't let you guys do that. Oh, fuck. Grim Saltback walks in with Smokey Dave Paisley, two-tone Tony, demoted, and... Tony, you fucked it! And Wolfman Jack holding a leash with a gibbering mouth, though.

No. Guys, you've been extremely useful up until this point, but you're becoming tiresome. I need the blood, and then I need you to go away forever. And as that two-toned Tony walks up to you, Filge, and he's holding in his hands an old archaic syringe. I've got no arch rival. I'm just Filge. no arch rival. I'm just Filch.

Don't you see, Filch? Simple, pretty Filch. Watch it, buster. I sort of lean forward and I've got these two swords and I kind of lean it out. I'm under instructions from the Dark Lord himself. You are his arch enemy.

You have killed him once. You have killed his beloved Casilda once. And now we're going to need some of that blood. Me finished all my blood. Two-toned Tony. He finished. You finished all your... blood. Two-tone Tony. What do you... He finished. You finished all your... Yeah, me finished it all.

What do you mean? There's none left. What do you mean? Deception check. Can I... DC 20. 18. Sorry, one second. Plus... Nah, I get nothing. No, you're... DC 20 I have a leadership sort of action that means I can give a d4 roll to anyone that can hear All right because of the newfound chemistry between the two of you,

I will allow that D4. You have rolled an 18, so you need to roll a three or a four to make this work. We don't have dice, Cam, so we're going to have to just... A two, a three, a four. Yeah, two, three, four. I like my odds. Do you have charisma?

Whoop, four! Four! I like my odds. Do you have charisma? What? Four. Four. She has... She says she has her...

She's used all her blood. You didn't tell me. We went through the plan. We went through it from the beginning to the end. You didn't say this would happen. No, I mean... No, I can't deal with this. This is... No, this is't deal with this. Oh, um... This is...

No, this is up to you. I'm sorry. And Two-Tone Tony throws the syringe at Grim, and he bolts. You're One-Tone Tony now! But in the moment of distraction, the spell weakens for you only, Filch, and you have a moment where you can act.

Um, can I... Is Grim salt back withinalt back within swinging range? He is. Everybody else is frozen. You're the only one that can currently move. I'm going to go into a rage because I'm furiously wanting my blood. And I'm going to whack him with Thunder's Wake.

All right, great. Make an attack. Yep, that's a... Your second one hits, yep. Yep, yep. First one. Yeah, second one hits. All right, great.

So it's 11 points of damage and he flies backwards and pains your magical hammer. Hits and the spell shatters on all of you and the next one up is you, Bastard. Hey, congrats on hitting a blind guy with a hammer. What's in the coffin? At the moment, you see just the corpse, supine lying of Strahd Von Zarovich.

What? Yep. Well, you know, I've got the stake. I'm going to start stabbing. Okay, make an attack, Dexterity. Yeah. Five. I missed Dave.

All right, with adrenaline coursing through your Let's be fine Fair blind frame You start stabbing his knee And legs And thigh Next one up is you Bobby

So who's left? It's The Wolfman Wolfman And the Mouther And Wolfman Jack And Grim And Grim

Sorry Grim Grim Okay Grim is I'm gonna go for Grim And Grim Okay Grim is I'm going to go for Grim I'm going to cast Mind Spike Yep, great So that's

I guess it's an opposed wisdom saving throw Yep It's a 19 Yep, great Alright, so it does What is it, 2d8 damage? It's taking 3d8 psychic damage on a failed save Or half as much damage on a successful one.

All right, 17 more points of damage. His groom flies back. Blood, he spits blood out of the corner of his mouth and his eyes, the bleeding in his eyes starts again in earnest. And the next one up is Wolfman Jack who dives at you. Filge, opposed strength check. 24. Oh, three!

As he pushes you back against the coffin and with a hand he pulls it up and Grim throws with an erring psychic sense the syringe to him, which is impressive because again, and I cannot stress this enough, he has lost his eyes. But he rolls a 17 and he grabs it and he plunges it into your neck and pulls from you a single ounce? Micro

ounce? Fluid ounce? Bit? Flagon? No, that's too much. Just say unit. A unit of 50 mils? 100 mils? Of a certain amount of CCs perhaps? How many CCs? Three corn chips worth of blood.

And he holds the syringe and Grim says, Don't just hold it there, you fool. Do it! And he smashes, doing D6, four points of damage to himself as he cracks the syringe in his hand and fills your blood, falls down onto the corpse of strad in the coffin as a breeze whips around the room first slow and then fast becoming an eddy and then a storm as you feel a dry wind of pain and anguish whip around you, forming the figure of that lamentable soul. One thousand years of darkness has made him only angrier.

That of the vampire Count Strahd von Zarovich. Please have an evil song ready. Well, well, fucking well. If it isn't me old mates, the dragon cunts. Actually, we've rebranded. Oof! Oofy doofy, guys. To borrow a fucking phrase, oofy doofy.

You guys ever been dead? Yes. Yes As you'll fucking know It sucks Bobby Pancakes Are you with me? Yeah it sucks I just thought you were going to do that whole thing Where you say different versions of my name That's more of a past me thing More of a Janos Mia thing really yeah we're distinct characters

is a new thing is a new me and gosh can I just say I think I look fucking amazing and as he says I takes up one hand and he clicks his fingers and a book that you hadn't noticed on Grim Saltback's belt, The Tome of Lost Truth, floats up and snaps into his hand. Might do a bit of light reading. What is this, David Baldacci? What is this? Some fucking... Since you've been dead, I've been getting into audible.com.

Yeah, audible.com. Is this Karen Slaughter? Anyway, she's a crime fiction writer. But the point is, my little dragon buddy booze. My little Roberto Boliano. Do you know I've tried this before, guys? Did you know that? Do you know I've tried this particular trick before every 100 years?

Did you find that journal from Hoffman? Yeah, you'd know now. Every 100 years I try this trick, get a couple of gates in. Oh, yeah, the brothers, that's nice. Three, bang, none work. Oh, I try a burn down. One year, one fucking year, 400 years ago, I got to the burning. It rained all fucking week.

You know what I'm saying? And about 200 years ago, I got to the sixth. Why are you praying about how much you suck? You shut the fuck up. And he just like throws a fucking, he glasses him with magic. Make dexterity check. Whatever that looks like, he does it. 19.

You dodge it. Can I try something, Dan? This is still his action. Someone fucking learned to move. But you know what? One time I got to the sixth gate, the returning, the Dark Lord returns. I thought that was simple as just moseying on into fucking town you know so we got all the way there and it didn't

work and then I realized not so long to fucking go that it's not about returning to town. It's about returning from death. So you know when this fucking big green one the other day, I'm pretty old it seems like the other day, maybe a couple of years ago, managed to drive a stake through my chest. I thought that's fucking interesting. And maybe that's it. I've got to return from being dead. You know I'm talking about Bobby fucking Pancakes. Fuck off. You know that darkness. You know the dreams.

Fuck off. Oi! Yeah? Join me, cunt! They're not going to go away. That's not going to stop that being dead in the bottom of a well bullshit you think you're gonna walk that off you think you're gonna chop that round the block join me think about it it's an offer what kind of an offer don't you see carcosa's got its claws on you, my friend.

I can see it clear as day. But what do I get? You have two options, son of mine. You already are the Dark Lady's thrall. Those dreams will haunt you till you die, whatever happens tonight. But you have an option. You can live as a slave or as a king the Kings the better one that's the better option anyway kill him

yeah what are you talking to me I'm not not going to kill anybody. It was a good speech. It wasn't that convincing. It's confusing. Yeah, look, I've been dead for a while. I thought I had... One of the things about leadership is you need to direct. Yeah, no, I understand that. I thought I had minions. I'm used to having minions.

I didn't have minions, so that's fine. I'm trying to understand this too. Is that an offer to Bobby? Yeah, I mean, honestly, in the absence of anybody else, uh... So you're saying if he... Grim's like, I'll kill them, is that... Shut up, Grim! If he kills us, then he can join you, that's the...

If he just kills fucking one of you, I don't give a shit. Could you kill my father? Did you take my fucking Roomba? Uh... Did you take my fucking Roomba? Oh. Piece of shit. Nah, it's gotta be one of the people you care about. That's how it works. Mate, you have no fucking idea what's coming now that I'm back. You could be very useful in the war that's on the bloody horizon.

Just one of them. Just knock them off. Just give them a little bit of a thorn, a little bloody stab like you fucking do. And we can call it quits. Everybody stops in a moment and they all look at you, Bobby. Do it! Bobby's pauses and says, no darkness is as delicious as the madcap, hilarious, murderous darkness of these my dragon friends. Yeah!

And he casts Phantasmal Force at Count Von Zarovich. Okay, great. How does it work? So it's a craft illusion that takes root in the mind of a creature. What's the illusion? What's the DC, baby? No, yeah, I've got the DC here. What's the illusion?

The illusion is Petrina Colliola. Ooh. Okay, so a vision suddenly of his love appears before him as you make an attack and he makes his save and he looks at her as she walks towards her, a woman in a white veil, and he laughs. You've turned up early, I see. I've got a book to read, my love,

but before that, I'm going to give you a little smooch. And Bastard... He failed, what I mean is he succeeded the test Yeah And he walks over to her And he kisses her And he waves his hand And the vision shatters

And the next one up is you, Lion Shield Lion Shield is going to get Bushu D2 He's going to use his grappling hook To grab the book out of the fucking hand Okay, making a post-dexterity. Oh shit, that's okay, that's a nine. Eighteen plus dexterity, so yeah.

The little droid zips and grabs it and a grappling hook and it snaps it into the droid's hand as Zarovich turns quickly to the droid. Well, well, well, my old friend. Same deal. I see some darkness in your soul. Same deal applies. Dreams won't stop. Names reversed.

What's it going to be? What shall I do, master? Serve me forever, for I am your master. Will you love me? Ah, fuck, I'll find you. Yes, anything for love. No! But he walks past Phil.

Do you have a reaction, if you want? Can I try? You're still in a rage. You can try and convince Bushidi to stay with us. Or hit someone with your big magical hammer. Yes, that was... Okay. I'm going to try and...

I'm still raging. I'm sorry, can I say Strahd starts reading from the book? Actually, at the moment, Bushidi is bringing the book over to him I say Strahd starts reading from the book? Actually, at the moment, Boushu's bringing the book over to him and Strahd is moments away from the book. As it falls open and you can see that there is another series of verse and runes that he clearly wants to read from. Can I try and grab the book from Boushu? Boushu will see this as a betrayal, but you can.

Yep. All right. What is Bushu's dexterity? Oh, real low, like negative eight. He's bad at it. Make a post from your dexterity. I get something on dex checks. Yeah, I got...

Yep. 18. All right, boot. Filch grabs it, snapping his little claw from his... And Filch, in a rage, you've grabbed the book and you're holding it. Can I do my other action? Yeah, that'll be... That's fine.

That's just a reaction and now it's your turn. I'm going to slam Thunder's wake into the ground. Filch! I see a darkness in your soul. And I say, can it, Von Zarovich? You old loon. On the book, or?

I'm holding it, so would it come? What are you trying to do? You're trying to teleport away? Yeah. Where are you going? I'm going to go... Where can he go? Water? Garlic Factory? It can only go within 20 feet.

Upstairs. Yeah. The rehearsal room? Yeah, I'm going to go to the rehearsal room. Yes? Are there instruments in there? Yes. Yeah, I'm going to go to the rehearsal room. Okay, Are there instruments in there? Yes. Yeah, I'm gonna go to the rehearsal room. Okay, bang.

Alright, a huge thunder wave appears knocking, let me just check this, knocking Zarevich to his feet as well as the two henchmen as they fall flying. The gibbering mouther is confused and is standing, staying put as Phil disappears and appears in a rehearsal room with a

double bass guitar and a horn section. Ah, fuck. Now I've got to walk up some stairs. The rest of you, the spell that's holding you has fallen. Filch, you have a moment to react. What do you want to do? Can I try and rip out the pages of the book? You're trying to attack the book?

Yeah. Yep, cool. Yep, absolutely. Make for me quickly a strength check. 11. 11. 11? Right, you get the sense that the book, there's something,

there's a magical force protecting the book. It needs something stronger to destroy it. And at that moment, you start hearing footsteps falling up the stairs. Ah, me fucking cows. Can I stab Strahd yet? He's a little bit ahead of you guys as you're racing up the steps.

Phil, do you have another chance if you want? I'm going to try and... Give it a smidge. Use love. Fuck the book. Fuck the book. No. Yeah, all right.

I'll try and hit it with the hammer. Alright, great. As hard as I can. Excellent, make me an attack with advantage because it's a book. Yeah, I got 15 plus 15, which plus because becomes 22. Alright, there is a powerful smash as the book flies open and the cover rips apart

as you realise that the book is injured and suddenly there is a huge shriek of eldritch energy rends the air as the door bursts open and Strahd bursts into the room. But not me, my fucking Grisham! Best on, you're up. I'm going to dive at him and try and stab him in the back

with my little sharp stake. Make an attack. Oh, no. Oh, wait, I've got two attacks. Fool. Yeah, 17 hits. 17 does not hit. Unfortunately, it's 18. Wait, wait. No, no, no. I get like plus six. Oh, you. Oh, wait. I've got two attacks. Fool. Yeah, 17 hits. 17 does not hit. Unfortunately, it's 18.

Wait, wait. No, no, no. I get like plus six. Oh, you cheated me. All right. Seven damage with a little eh, eh. What did you attack with? With a sharpened bolt.

All right. Good like the steak. Stabbing him in the shoulder, he shrieks in pain, but he shrugs it off. Bobby, you're up. I'm going to make a dash to him and do the same. That's a nine. Miss. That misses. Greatheart? I whip my

heavy crossbow and shoot him. Make an attack. Hits. 17 hits, unfortunately without a magical weapon that doesn't do anything. Lion Shield? I'm going to cast Snare on him, which means he's got to make a dexterity saving throw and beat 15. He beats it.

Okay, then. He is not restrained. And, Phil, it's up to you again. The book is half destroyed. Kill the book. I'm going to hit it again with Thunder's Wave. Make one more attack. And love.

That's way! And with the clap of thunder that is its birthright, the book bursts into a million pieces. And as at that exact moment, a portal opens up. Seemingly summoned from the pages of the book itself, you can see a dark shore with fearful architecture all in various hues of yellow forming

itself out of the pages as the power seems to suck the instruments from the room. Grim Saltback flies up the stairs and is flung through the room as you all grab onto various bits of the wall, shall we say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Things, yep. And Strahd, bits of the wall, shall we say? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Things, yep. And Strahd, closest to the door, starts to be pulled into the room and at the last moment, deciding better of it, turns himself into a cloud of bats and scatters in every direction. I'm bats now, motherfuckers! It seems that this will not hold him as the room itself begins to warp and buckle and the rest of you make your way quickly out of the dragon back in in time to see the entire building sucked, compacted and pulling itself into the book as it starts to unspool the very fabric of the building before it collapses, shut, destroyed.

Whatever evil Carcosa has for you will not be found in Daggerford today. It seems that you have ended this prophecy once and for all. However, celebration cannot be had for you and not alone. You can see at the end of the street a small group of figures, most of them in plate armor and another figure rotund in an impeccable cravat. Well, well, well. If it isn't my former employers, the dragon friends. LaCroix?

Yes. The very same. As it so happens that you were never the dukes, as I have been informed, you are banished from this land forever. Please never come back under the punishment of death. I say please, that is my little formality. He brandishes a letter and goes on to say, I have here a letter. It is from the Lord's Alliance of the Stored Coast that recognizes the familial duties of the Ayose Zarevich family to control not just Barovia,

but all Carcosa by du jour rights of marriage. These lands are his now, and he says that I am to be his interim duke. So that's kind of a nice deal for me. But yes, I will give you a really nice window for you to go away forever. Let's say like five minutes. But seriously, fuck off. Hey, Banknote, can we stay at your house for a while?

Yeah, Mr. Banknote. I do not think that will be a good deal for me. You see, the thing about the Lords Alliance is it's kind of a fraternity, like a smoking cigar club situation. The Dark Lord's servants, he has already been petitioning the various Lords of Waterdeep, Candlekeep, all those little places. And I would say within the week, you will be pretty much not welcome anywhere. Banished across the Sword Coast, if you will.

Take my advice. You will find a ship in the Arbor of Waterdeep. I suggest you take it and go far away. But where will we go? We just tried our best. Hey, how about you go any fucking where? The search turns

to the others and she's like, any fucking where? Sound like a good place to go? I guess so. It is true that Strahd's return is an ill omen for the Sword Coast. Returned to power but free from his Barovian exile, he has the powers of a vampire count, plus the knowledge

he has gained through his time at death and the rat cunning of a fuckwit. In the years to come, he will likely forge a massive power base for himself as a titled noble. He has the power to make things very difficult for the four of you. For now, there is little to do but flee these lands together

and or apart, up to you to lay low. Strongheart? Lylite, time for us to go. Say goodbye to your friends. Oh. You know, I'm just you should be quite glad that Strahd didn't give me the speech.

It's been very nice hanging out with you, but, I mean, of all of us, if he's going to offer darkness... You know, I mean, I'd burn the whole fucking city to the... You know, I'd... And as the family banknote, make their way to the Temple of Myrstra. The remaining dragon friends walk towards the open caravan gate, leading towards the old road that takes them to Waterdeep

and a boat out of these wretched lands. There is naught to do but to lay low, reach new shores and pray that once more in the years to come the time and fate will allow for a reunion of the four that they called

the dragon friends. Thank you! the dragon friends thank you make some noise thank you all so much Tom Love oh keep it going Michael Hing

thank you Alex Lee Ben Jenkins Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, our musician for this season, Tom Carty! And of course, Dungeon, Dave Harmon! And our first-half, Mr. Tom Walker. Shakira Khan. Thank you very much.

Thank you. There will be a desk signing merch, and if you want to come and support the Bushfires too, but otherwise, see you next season