Dragon Friends - #7.03. A Very Thrummy World

Episode Date: March 18, 2021

The future of the Empire of High Netheril rests on The Dragon Friends, but their help comes with a price: A tour of the Free folk down beneath the floating city. How could The Dragon Friends possibly make such a routine flight eventful? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, everyone. It is Michael Hing here. How are you? That is either good or bad, depending on what you said. Two things. Number one, I'm doing some stand-up shows. I got a brand new era of stand-up.

It's called Kill Hing in the Name Of. Very funny pun, I know. It is all about me getting my dream job on radio and then getting a lot of death threats and then my fail-proof plan to fake my own death. I'll be taking it to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Shows are on the Comedy Republic from the 24th of March to the 5th of April, then the Sydney Comedy Festival. Shows are on the Comedy Republic from the 24th of March until the 5th of April, then the Sydney Comedy Festival after that. You can find tickets at the Comedy Festival websites. And I would love to see some Dragos there. Oh, my goodness.

And, you know, given how little difference in space there is between the character of Friso and the reality of me, Michael Higg, you know, it'll just be like Friso doing an hour of stand-up. Thing number two, if you're in Sydney, we would love to see you at a live Dragon Friends taping please come along to a show at the Comedy Store

the next one is on the 14th of April you can meet us you can hang out grab a drink with us buy some merch please come alright that is enough

from me here's your podcast how is everyone did everyone have a good week did anything horrible and traumatic happen to them yeah I was on the Today Show and they called me Dave Harmon the worst thing a person could be called friendship is forever Did everyone have a good week? Did anything horrible and traumatic happen to them? Yeah, I was on the Today Show,

and they called me Dave Harmon, the worst thing a person could be called. Friendship is forever. Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. It has been barely a day since the Dragon Friends faced down their old enemy,

the vampire Strahd, in Icewind Dale. And yet, thanks to a relic of long-lost magic called Chronomancy, Bobby, Bastogne, Filge and Friso, and let's try not to forget Banknote, have all been flung 1,000 years back in time. Oh, and Tom Walker's character. Oh yeah, but who cares? If he wants us to care about his characters, he has to remember to come to the fucking show. That's fair. Directly flung back into the last

days of the ancient empire of old Netheril. This era of history is known by the sages as the first age of wonder and it is easy to see why. The Netherese leave lives of impossible luxury, floating in cities above what will one day become the Sword Coast that you all know. You have already met their leader, the wise and intense young Archmage Karsus, as well as a few other members of his inner circle. But the body is not meant to travel this direction in time, and you have had little chance to enjoy the glamours of the first age as it feels like your insides are slowly but insistently

coming apart. Your new friend, Arcanist Val, has told you not to panic and furnished you with medicines to keep the pain at bay. Friso Frisophusen, you have insisted on learning more about the world, demanding that you be allowed to visit the common people who live below the Netheries, the free folk. So it is, directly after dinner, that the four of you embark on a wondrous flying ship emblazoned with the name The Rapture. Skymaster Kyren is there and willing to shuttle you down so that you can see with your own eyes how the grace of Netheril touches even her lowliest subjects.

Chiron turns to face you as you step onto the surprisingly buoyant deck. How buoyant are we talking? Well, it's wood and it's floating. This entire ship, it's a ship for about 40 people I would say. It's two decks, three sails,

but it shimmers at the bottom. There are these giant beams of spellstone worked into the deck, and it floats beside Ilinar, the floating city that you're on. You walk onto a gangplank and you can feel the decks give and settle as they adjust. Ah, boing! What are you... Filch jumps on the deck. There's a little bit of give. There's a pleasant amount of give.

A boing, a boing, a boing. Stop that. Stop that. Skymaster Chiron is there. Is his brain really rattling around in his jar? He doesn't like it because it's making bubbles. It will take four hours to reach our destination. You understand this is Lord Karsus' personal skyship,

and as his guests, you are free to travel where you will. But all of you understand one thing. I do not trust any of you. I do not trust that you have this empire's interests at heart. And if I or my men spot any action untoward from the four of you, I will not hesitate to turn this ship around and bring you back to Lord Karsus in chains. Where should I look at you?

What? Like... I don't know where to look because you don't have any eyes. I mean, it's just... I mean, the jar. It's just like a whole area. Like, is it like a... If I'm looking in the jar, I don't want to be staring at the brain in the jar. That feels rude.

90% of trust is eye contact. And because the water's moving around, I think even when you're standing still, the brain is just doing lazy circles. Do you think, and like, I can't help but notice that you didn't include me in that I don't trust you thing, which is really nice because you said four and I assume that I'm... Arcanist Val, you will be accompanying us. Yes, yes. No, I'm here. I'm a little bit little, but I'm here.

So you were hiding behind the half-orc. I see you now. I'm sorry about that. I don't trust you. Well, I wasn't included in the first thought, so I think you trust me a little bit. Have you considered a scientific solution to this problem? Ooh, a trust game. Ooh, googly eyes on the job. I was going to say it's a googly eyes.

It's googly eyes for me. Well, I mean, I... I have a pair of googly eyes. I thought you might. They're sticky, sticky. If a brain had eyes. But do you see? Can you see?

Skymaster Kyron, a veteran of the wars of the first age, is a brain in a jar on a metal body, and he has sensors all around him, a speaker system built into his neck, but it's a large metal body with a bell jar in a brain. Where's your eye sensor? Well, the eye sensor is sort of a node on his neck, but now there are two humours.

Oh, you can't see me. That's on. Bigger move. I'm gone. Where am I? I'm gone. I'm back again. Do you know you can do this to just somebody with eyes?

Yeah. Like this is not a... I am under strict orders to bring you to the service. I am not under orders to put out with any of this. I will be on the bridge. I will see you in four hours. And he storms off, stamping down the deck towards... But it's a bit buoyant, so is he kind of going,

boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy? He's trying to, like, not. But yeah, there's a little bit of bounce going. The brain is sloshing pleasingly. It's like you ever had to try and exit a trampoline with dignity? It's tricky. It's tricky. He's trying to walk so that the eyes don't go to Google everywhere, but they are.

That guy is tense. Frieza's going to follow him to the bridge. Well, you can't because as he walks through, bulkheads clamp shut behind him. Dexterity to sneak. What do I need, Dave? 300. But a 20 always passes. No, a 20 is a success, Hank.

Roll for it. Roll the dice. That's a 20, bitch. Woo! Well, well, well. Would anybody like some notes? It is so fun to own a petard until you get hoisted by it. I know, I remember when you bought that petard, you were like, I cannot wait to hoist others. I'm going to hoist him.

He's hoisting with this petard for weeks. The man at the store said be careful. Okay, fuck it. We're splitting the party up because directly behind you, Friso, the bulkhead slam shut. So you are not here for this next scene.

The rest of you are still on the deck by yourselves. There are Megan, a few of those Megan gold shimmery... The silver surfers. The silver servants, yes. There's a few of them waiting around in blue tunics with silver sashes. Otherwise, the deck, there's a beautiful view overlooking the Sword Coast. Is it windy?

Yeah, there's a bracing wind. But is it windy inside? No, they're on the deck. And what's the sun situation? Is this magic hour for Baston to go and stand on the deck? Because we wouldn't want to miss that. Time to soak it in.

Baston, because of his charisma, sort of has an inbuilt ability to find his light. So as you're looking, best on turns to look back at everyone it's always magic hour somewhere wherever i am all the time after you get about charisma 19 if you move to a different part on a deck the sun moves with you i think i did say that canonically there are two suns i I did mention that. Yeah, yeah. Because it's fantasy.

And that's actually better for the light. You're contouring on Bastogne's face right now. You've got a key light and then you've got... A backlight. One of the Megan walks forward and it bows deeply in front of all of you, including Val. Deep bow, dude. Nice.

Wow. You don't have to talk to the major oh I did I I don't have to I know I don't have to but me choose to okay well you do you and the major this this one is a young handsome man silver silver skin like the others beckons for you to follow wait so they have like different faces yes yeah and some of them are ugly they would say there's i mean true beauty is in is in the eye of the beholder they're most of them are reasonably good looking right uh okay well where are you taking us The Majin taps on a sort of deck plan of the ship, and you can see that it's tapping on the word stateroom.

Stateroom. Stateroom. Let's do it. Alright. Well, I'm sure Frieza will find his way back to us again, eventually. Alright, so as the dragon friends as you make your way down into one of the many sumptuous staterooms on the Rapture, Chiron stalks into the bridge and has not as yet noticed Friso

who ducks through the bog head behind him. Is he muttering to himself at all? He is. He is muttering to himself, yeah. Oh, wait. You mean Chiron's muttering to himself? Sorry. Yes, yes.

No, Friso can. What's Friso doing? Yeah. I'm going to follow this guy so good. I'm going to take the bridge. Yeah. Think about a bridge. The bridge is over water. I'm going to push him off. He's going to land up on water. I'm going to follow this guy so good. You take the bridge. Think about a bridge. The bridge is over water.

I'm going to push him off. He's going to land on the water. I'm going to kill this guy. But it's only Friso can hear that. Okay, so now I need you all to remember that anything that you hear in this scene, you don't actually understand. Chiron, as he's walking...

That's so... Okay. Just like normal death. You do you. I'm not listening. As Chiron is walking through another crawlspace, another figure, this one not a Megan, but another Arcanist, in purple robes with a silver sash and holding a storm pike, a large spear that seems to thrum with energy, walks in. So much shit thrums in this world. This world is a very thrummy world.

I feel like that's one of the things that has been lost in 2021. Very little thrums. Arcanist, Valentine, report. How are the engines? Oh, uh, yep. Don't give me that. You said they were at 62 capacity when we left. That is unacceptable.

Yeah, look, um, said they were at 62 capacity when we left that is unacceptable yeah look um they're they're they're they're not at the level that you'd like really want them to be at i'll be really honest with you because i'm really working on being honest and and sort of forthright since my last evaluation i understand you're practicing radical honesty yeah Yeah. And frankly, it has made this entire working relationship an ordeal. Nevertheless, we must do with the ether requisitions that we are given. If this ship is not operating at full capacity, we will be flying dangerously low to the Balinox and will not have another incident.

Okay, I'm telling you this. We can either fly high and not come home because we don't have enough ether or we can fly low and just make it it's up to you you're senior to me so make a call so while they're talking freezer the there's about three other arcanists at different positions there's a huge throne in the center of the bridge but for a large ship it seems that there's not a lot of pilots in this ship, and a beautiful crystalline glass viewport is the entire front

of the bridge through which you can see that you are, as they said, coasting significantly below cloud level. Now, they're in conversation. You're lingering at the moment. I guess I'll do a look around check.

Six years. What are you... Six years. That's longer than high school. I'm... Are you serious? I just...

Yeah, we've been doing this show for longer than we were in high school. Oh, no. I just want to... Well, I don't know. It repeated a few years, so... In primary school, okay. I finished high school in the allotted regular amount of time. Uni also took longer, okay.

Sure. High school, regular. But, appropriately enough, during this time, I have gone through puberty. So, well done me. So, looking around check, what exactly are you looking around for? I want to look for any loot, I guess. Precious jewels. Precious jewels.

Magical weapons. Weapons I can take. Make a perception check. That's another 20. Holy shit, he did it again. That's another fucking 20. Wait, wait, wait. And I know. Wait, wait, wait. No, another fucking 20. Wait, wait, wait. And I know...

Wait, wait, wait. I know we're on the weekend. No, no, no. I know. Wait, wait, wait. I know we're on the weekend. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. No, wait, wait, wait. Look, I know we're on the weekend. We were hanging out. I was Googling loaded dice. I know. But... Roll that dice three more times.

Alex, you touch it. It's not magical. That's a three. 20, 20, 20. No, that was just, it's just, I was just very lucky with two rolls. It's insanely lucky. And okay, you know what? What there is in the room on a 20, you see, and this is quite good,

is that you, although you've never seen this throne before, you are able to quickly discern that it is the piloting ship. In fact, it reminds you in a bizarre way of the throne that was on the Heart of Glass, the ship that you had, it seems a lifetime ago. You feel you have a sense of how it would be piloted. And also for a 20, you realise that there is, built into the side of the throne a holster of sorts that is holding a slightly smoking,

technomantic, wickedly sharp glaive that seems to thrum with a potent energy. Things just don't thrum anymore, do they, guys? Perhaps even more potent than the shockpikes you saw before. This looks like premium gear. Fuck. And they are away from me? No, they're standing and looking at some devices at the front.

It's built into a holder on the side of the throne, which you presumably could release. It's not... I don't want you to think you can hide this in a pocket. Do you know what a glaive, a halberd is? Do I know what a glaive is? Come on, Dave. I've played World of Warcraft.

It's not quite a glove and it's not quite a blade. I just spat everywhere. Vaulting. Okay, okay, okay. I guess then if I'm going to take the glaive, I need to kill all the witnesses then. Nope. You don't need to do that. Because otherwise, Dave. I guess then if I'm gonna take the glaive, I need to kill all the witnesses then. Nope, you don't need to do that.

Because otherwise, Dave said I can't hide it. I don't like it when you blame me for your moral failings. It's not a moral failing to win, Dave. I am going to... It's a one-handed weapon, right? Yes? No. What's a clay?

What I would really love you to do, and I'm hesitant to add for once in your fucking life, so just take that in parentheses. What I would really love you to do is think at least one step ahead of your actions here that maybe this was an opportunity for you to game out the what you would like to happen from this moment if you could just give me in your in friso's mind over the next 10 minutes ignoring dice perfect play what happens i would like don't tell him because then he'll stop

it he'll stop it he's trying to do it just god would like... Don't tell him because then he'll stop it. He'll stop it. He's trying to get in your head. Just do it. Just go for it, Nick. I would like... Dave, you know what I would really like, Dave? What would you like? I would like everyone to get along and be friends. And now what's the thing I want most in the world?

And what is your opening move to make that happen? Take the glaive and kill the men? Roll for me a sleight of hand check. All right. All right, this is a DC 16. Sleight of hand, so this is dexterity. If this is a 20, I'm going to storm the Capitol. I swear to God. 13. Well, sleight of hand is two, so 15'm going to storm the capital. I swear to God. 13.

Last sleight of hand is two, so 15. Damn it. All right. So, Friso, you wrap, and there is a hideous sound of metal scraping on metal that jars in the ears as the arcanists spin around, including Chiron, who screams, and slams his hand down on a ruby button on the side of the bridge as

alarms start to wail. You have a second to do something if you want. The blade is still caught inside the machine. Is there a trigger to release it or anything? No, no, no. So because you failed the sleight of hand, you haven't been able to disengage it. So quickly, what do you want to do?

I jump in the throne. Always accelerating with you. the sleight of hand you haven't been able to disengage it so quickly what do you want to do i jump in the throne okay so you make always accelerating with you you you dive into the throne um and as you do we're going to cut very quickly to the rest of the dragon friends who are downstairs in the stateroom which is nice lovely you all have some wonderful snacks there is a masseuse on hand a a major masseuse. Everybody here gets all their hit points back. Do you know what? Fuck it. You're well rested.

You all get, like, a blessing. You have a bonus D6 for the next roll. And 200 gold coins. Everybody gets 200 gold coins. Except for Arcanist Val, who gets 400 gold coins, because you get freezos as well. Oh, that's nice. Because there's, like, this little, like... It's a Arcanist Val, who gets 400 gold coins because you get freezos as well. Oh, that's nice. Because there's like this little like, it's a welcome bag.

Yeah, there's a little welcome bag that the mages give you. Don't take the poison gold. Come on, stand up to him. You're not there. You're all dogs. You're all dogs. All right. Otherwise, it's a beautiful room.

This is so nice. Golden dogs. The mages bow deeply and they leave, leaving you alone for your first time since you're on the ship. Hey, Val, are these mages... Did they used to be people? Oh, no, they're magical constructs. Hey, I need to ask, how are you guys, like, feeling, feeling? Now that you're alone, like, do you need...

Now that Val asks this, the knots that are in your stomach as you check in on them, as I said, the waves of pain that feel like they're crashing against the wall that was Val's medicine is getting worse and worse, the thrumming in it. The bile is starting to rise again. Yeah, now that you mention it, I could take a little... Do we need to roll for that again? I could take a little dip in the bag, you know? Well, that's kind of why I came with you, to be honest.

I don't like to go back to the free folk but I decided to come so I could keep an eye on you. Yeah, okay. Let's take a little medicine. Yeah, just a bump. Just a little bump.

Just a bump. Just a little bump. No, I've had some time. I've got it in pill form now. Oh, wow. Yeah. So like under the tongue? Just like a normal aspirin

or what? Is there a way you can take it that it's stronger? Can I put it in the bum? I mean, if you need to... Sure. Is it more effective in the bum?

It's neither here nor there, but if you want to put it in... Can I put it there? Of course. And it won't be less effective. No. Filch is going to go cold turkey on this one. Filch feel like... Filch talk too much at the dinner party.

That's fine. Phil's overshared. I have tinkered with it since there were some side effects. Some euphoria, some overconfidence, some weird shit. Miss Val? Your shit's kind of weird. Miss Val? Pointy.

I put it in my butt. Okay, well done. I can't. When will I feel it? You won't. This one has very few side effects. It'll just make. I can't... When will I feel it? You won't. This one has very few side effects. It'll just make you feel less nauseous. Can I have some more?

What? I want more. I can't feel it. Just a little... No, I'm telling you... You should probably just wait. What if I put it on some foil and then lit that on fire? And then kind of... Yeah, Phil's not going to take that.

Me going to put body online. Me don't know if you're using it for mind control or... Okay, but I really have to insist that you could be in a lot of trouble. Well, we'll see. Well, you know, if things are looking bad, me, I'll ask for it, but... Val actually hands you, Phil, the rest of you have already taken one. Val hands you, wrapped in a twist of paper, a small pill to take if you feel you need it. Hey, Phil, do you want me to hang on to that for you?

Nah, man, nah, me got this. Okay, now, because Bastogne has found his lightness standing by the porthole, I need you to quickly make a perception check for me, Bastogne. Oh. Oh, 14. 14, all right. So you suddenly, as you're standing, looking out over the water and the cliffs of the Balinox and the sort of beautiful thousand-year-old Sword Coast, you suddenly see something out of the corner of your eyes.

And as you look, it seems like there is a silver blur of some kind of large creature that flies past the window very close. Oh, that's a big bird. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Now the Balanox are... They're a mountain range

in the Silver Coast, yeah. But are they near Barovia? They go from Icewind Dale down to Barovia. It's like the Great Divining Range. Oh, the Balanox. Did anybody else see that big silver bird? Like a plane? Uh, what?

Oh, you didn't go to Tokyo, did you? Yes, I did. I messed up with Tokyo. Oh, I forgot about planes. Yeah. As you all walk towards the porthole. Sort of in an airship, like I said. Oh, right, right, right.

Whoa! It's like, it's kicking in. right, right. Whoa! It's kicking in. Wow, yeah. Well, let me have a look. I'm going to go and have a look because I'm not on drugs. Medicine. Great.

Bilge, as you walk towards it, you can make another perception check with you. I fell out of the thing. Oh, I rolled worse. Four. Okay, great. So you start looking and I suppose the circular cupboard that's next to the porthole. Filch, filch. Over here.

That's... Outside. That's round. That's... Wow, how do they do that? Yeah, you ever think like hammers are square, but sometimes they hit things and then they're round. You know? Yeah. How though?

Just speaking like as a scientist, hammers are not square. When's the last time you saw a hammer? Like the other day in my workshop. Yeah, well, was it round? Almost definitely. Dude, you're thinking of a mallet.

Oh, a mallet. No, mallets are definitely round. A mallet is a hammer. And that's about enough time for you to have spotted this. The precious time allotted to you

to spot the attack. Make for me dexterity saving throws. Natural 20. Natural 20, yep. 22. 22? Nine.

Nine, alright. There is a, suddenly, there is an explosion, suddenly an implosion of energy following it as the pressure in the stateroom is sucked out of it. Bobby and Baston, with your training, you both manage to quickly backflip away,

ostentatiously it has to be said, from the side of the wall field. Look cool, guys! As you go for the thumbs up, the roar of the energies pulls you out towards the hole, and you can see creatures whipping in through the hole in the side of the ship. Now make for me quickly a strength-saving throw.

That is a 17. 17, right. So you quickly are able to hold on and you stop yourself from flying through. But already three of these grey creatures come out. They look like humans. They have strange, veiny skin, talons and claws. And no one believes you when you tell them that you saw a goblin on the wing. They have these kind of goblinoid faces with these big unblinking crystal eyes.

And they came in from outside? They came in. You can see that now that they're flying gliders, sort of Nausicaa Valley of the Wind or Green Goblin, however you prefer, kind of glider. Yeah, dealer's choice. Both types of nerds are catered to on Dragon Friends. Thank you. Pride. That was an anemic woo.

Can we say skinny dragon? Like skinny dragon people, yeah. Thank you. Pride. That was an anemic woo. Can we say skinny dragon? Like skinny dragon people, yeah. Like harpies? Yeah, they look a bit like harpies. They're on a craft or they're like... Yeah, they're on like a kind of... Great, it's Willem Dafoe in Spider-Man 1. Willem Dafoe!

Or is it the little bear from Tailspin? Is it like self-propelled? They're gliding on the jet stream behind the ship, so they're propelled in the wake of this ship. Okay, so they're gliders. They're gliders, and they burst through into the room, Filch. You are immediately overwhelmed with

them surrounding you because you weren't able to get away. The rest of you, however, are on your feet. Now, cutting quickly upstairs to you, Friso, you make a dive towards the throne and as you do, suddenly the entire ship crashes to its side. There is a

kind of voomf depressurisation and you can suddenly feel an uncomfortable amount of air being sucked out of the room as all the arcanists scream in alarm. Make for me quickly a dexterity saving throw. Ooh, seven. And you are whipped away from the throne at the last minute and go crashing in alarm. Make for me quickly a dexterity saving throw. Seven. And you are whipped away from

the throne at the last minute and go crashing back as the entire ship lurches on its side as Chiron turns and goes, you fool, what have you done? No, I didn't do anything. This is separate to what I was doing. Seize him and take him to the brig. The rest of you, come with me.

As two of them reach towards you, you're on your back. You're prone. All right, I stand up. Cool. Strong. I guess I'll fight. I'll draw my sword.

If your action is to stand up, in that case, quickly, you need to just do a post-strength check because they're on you immediately. Ooh, that is a one. That is a one. Wrong dice. With your strength, unfortunately, that means you're overwhelmed.

Now you're not being pulled into the brig, but you're being escorted further down into the bridge while Chiron leaves through the bulk shield with three other members of the Arcanists. The rest of you are in the room and we go quickly into combat. Initiative order is normal. I've pre-prepared it, which means that Bastogne, you're going first. Slashy, slashy on the dudes who are holding Filge back.

Okay, there's one of them in front and two of them holding down Filge. What's their armor class? Armor class is 12. Oh, I only got one hit because I'm an idiot. Don't forget, you get a second attack. Oh, yeah, I rolled three dice and failed, but I do 10 damage. Okay, one of them flies back, clearing a path that Bobby wants towards Filge, who's still grappling with the other two.

Bobby, you're up. Okay, I'm going to attack one. That's a... 17. What are you attacking with? How are you doing it? A short sword. Okay, so you quickly draw your short sword, and you're running towards one of the ones fighting Filge? Yep. That's a sneak attack. Okay. So what do I do to that? Oh my god. You add

extra d6s. How many? Longer than high school. How many? If you'd been taught this in high school, you would know it by now. Good, you rolled those. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. All right, Bobby, Bobby like a rogue

who has momentarily forgotten that he's a rogue, rushes towards them, realises that they're not seeing, they're not watching him and very carefully pushes his short sword through the neck of one of the creatures.

Can I grab his glider? The gliders are just abandoned on the floor at the moment. Yeah, if you want to. So you're going to run towards one after this, but you kill one of them. Filch is now fighting just one of them and Filch, you're up. I'm going to whack him off his board with my Thunder's Wake. And natural 20. It's a natural 20.

It's a good dice, isn't it? That's crazy. And that's 13 damage. All right, there's a boom as both of the two remaining ones. Thunders Wake obviously makes a huge explosion, which, yes, pushes one of the creatures out, without its glider, out of the window, and it goes flying off to what is certain death.

The other one falls down in pain as you crunch it down, but it's still very much alive as you bash it into the wood. And can you make for me a perception check? Yes. What will she perceive? Yep, that's a seven. Never mind. All right.

Probably nothing. He tries that's a seven. Never mind. All right. Probably nothing. He tries to attack and misses. As you hear now the sound of fighting happening upstairs, jumping quickly downstairs into the side near the bridge, the two, called with Euphorizo, are walking down a corridor nervously as suddenly they hear a commotion ahead of them. Can I talk? You can.

Yeah, I say to them, we're under attack and I am a, I know how to fly this plane. I'm one of the greatest pilots in a thousand years in the future. You need to let me back into the bridge so I can save you.

We're under attack from you. No, not from me, from outside. Why would I even want that? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I didn't touch the throne before it all went to shit, alright? I don't know who you are!

I know, all you need to know is I'm from a thousand years in the future and I'm a great pilot. Well, you sound fucking insane! Look, if you're a pilot, how do you fly this? Uh, so... Well, so we have a pilot! Can I... Well, the throne was empty, that's why we're getting attacked! Let me help you!

Make for me a persuasion check with disadvantage because generally when you arrest someone, the cops don't let them drive the police car. That happens very rarely. So the lowest one is 12 plus... Eight. So 20. Now just wait a second

I can help you, I can save you You just need to let me back into that throne room You can be in control of the ship Alright look, and you can see that one of the guards Is obviously younger Much younger than the other guard And he's sick with panic and sweat And he's like, this is how

Do you want to die? No! Look, shut up. Jamie, shut up. This is Howler territory, right? We're flying way too low. We're on their turf. That's Howlers. They're going to be all over the ship in a second.

If you can fly us back home to Ilanar, I will explain it to Chiron. Maybe we can sort this out, alright? But I'm going to be standing with you and if you do anything other than turn around and fly back to Ilanar, I'm gonna be standing with my knife to your throat. And I'm gonna be somewhere else! Jamie! Jamie! And he like leaps out of the plane. He panicked, Dave! He panicked!

The one I was playing was the panicking one. Well, it was contagious. Just a Wilhelm scream. Sorry? Just a Wilhelm scream. Wilhelm Defoe scream. Fraser's going to slap him and be like, let's go!

Let's go! Don't slap me. I said we'd do it. Yeah, fine. Okay, let's go. But hang on. He quickly chains his hand to your hand and is like, just so there's no funny business. Just chain it to my leg. I need my arms to drive. No, you can

just wave my hand with you. My other hand will be my dagger hand. It'll be at your neck. I've worked this out. It's a perfect system. Let's go. Alright. And so he takes you. You're now manacled to this guy and the throne room is empty, lilting dangerously to its side. Great. So what check do I use to fly, Dave?

Okay. Now, you do know how to fly spelljammer ships because of season fucking four. I do, I do. And I've looked up the rules for this, so I get a bonus to all rolls, Dave. What? And the cake?

You've looked up the rules and Dave has to give you a bonus? Yeah. You can't just talk quickly. No. Because you said that this throne was the same kind of throne that I used to pilot the other ship.

No, he said it was like it. Okay, well it's similar then. I'm proficient with airships then that are controlled by a throne so I get a plus three proficiency. No, sorry. Yes, I thought yes. You do get proficiency to pilot the ship. It is an intelligence check. It is going to be DC 15. Great. If you walk forward you see it pilot the ship. It is an intelligence check. It is going to be DC-15.

Great. If you walk forward, you see it is very similar. There is a, just so you understand, there is a diadem crown with silver filaments coming off it, and you know instinctively that you are to wear it and place your hands on the two orbs on the side of the throne. Yeah, give me them orbs. Grab the orbs and put on the crown, Dave.

Great, excellent. You are now in it. Very scared. Oh, that's a two. We're going down, everyone! I thought I could do this! I really thought I could do this! You fail so badly that you turn the ship upside down.

Baelish slips and is hanging from your chain to the chair and he's hanging. His dagger goes wild and clatters somewhere. Wait, is the pilot, is he in the bathroom? There was no pilot at the time. Why were they flying? The commands had been issued. Chiron is the pilot and he'd left the chair.

Okay. So now the room is upside down. You are strapped into the throne hanging from one of your hands cutting off circulation is a panicking body of balish the arcanist whose dagger has fallen away and now for the rest of you i need you all to make for me with disadvantaged dexterity checks including the last guy dexterity saving, including the last guy. Dexterity saving, yes. Because the room suddenly goes upside down. Is seven bad? Seven is bad.

We're doing golf rules, right? I got 11. I got seven. They're all bad. But I'm holding a glider. All right, okay. So for the two of you, you go crashing up the stairs as the entire room loses itself.

Beds are flying everywhere. Your lovely wardrobe is gone. And you smash into the galley space that the stateroom is connected in a huge heap. Very gently following... Bobby Pancakes slowly idles and sputters

to a stop his glider discovering his new favourite way to travel and lands to the side of you did we kill all the bad guys?

I was just sorry I rolled for the last one who also failed so catastrophically that the one that Phil was fighting flies out

as well along with the two remaining gliders they zip out of the crack in the side of the room as he's falling he he falls past Jamie or he catches up with Jamie oh yeah Jamie did you panic too they don't know each other one of them is the gargoyles attack yeah nobody sees a guy falling it's like oh yeah it's like in the ladies' toilets at a club.

Like, you see someone, they're immediately your friend. If you're both hurtling through space towards certain desks, you see someone, it's not awkward. Good time to make a friend. Babe, you look hot. Oh, yeah, thank you. I also want you all, because you all failed, and you landed in a galley that had just been turned upside down,

and a galley is where they hang pots and knives. Wait, there's a galley attached to the stateroom? Yeah. It's an open plan galley slash dining area. That'd be worth a catering. Yeah, you can watch the people prepare your food. It's that kind of, it's bougie. Oh, it's a teppanyaki?

It's a teppanyaki. It's a teppanyaki. It's a small, it's a small teppanyaki restaurant. You don't get a massage whileaki around anymore in so much. Do you reckon they still have them? For my birthday, we're all going to teppanyaki. You all have to come. That's canon, actually.

Okay, so imagine, if you will, a teppanyaki restaurant at colossal expense. That's what brought down high nethoral. In his splash... The only way that population would eat, because they got so decadent, was by somebody... I must have a private share.

Throw it in my mouth. To paint the room for you, Karsus had installed at tremendous expense a teppanyaki restaurant in the centre of the rapture. It has an octagonal communal table there are stateroom exits going up on every side and there is a very panicked seat belted in teppanyaki chef at the central station upside down in the ceiling dave i don't you're gonna play the teppanyaki i don't want to get in the way of your beautiful, rich world building,

but I will take issue with one adjective there. Panicked. These guys are unflappable. You're right. He's seen some shit and this ain't nothing. Yeah, he's completely... He's doing some shit. He's got rice in...

Is this a real... I know it's Japanese, but is this a really specifically Australian trend? I feel like it might be. No, they haven't. I imagine teppanyaki chefs all over the world.

They have them in the US? That was a thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Benny Hanna. Yeah, they do? They do? Great. I've just never seen it

in pop culture in America. Yeah, well, it's because it's copyrighted. Could the chef be a slug? It's just when you said it I imagined a slug and I really like it It's a kind of slug person. Yeah, it's a magical slug. You get it to be a slug? It's just when you said it, I imagined a slug. Yes, sure. It's a kind of slug person.

Yeah, it's a magical slug. You get it to be a slug is a treat. You're not the only people, however, and as I said, sorry, because of knives throwing everywhere, you all take 1d10 plus 4 damage. No. No, we don't want to do that. No. I don't want to. Well, he doesn't want to, Dave.

I'm going to make a saving throw, I've decided, David. You failed. No, Eden, this is happening because you failed a saving throw. Oh, yes, I suppose that's true. That's not how that works. Okay. Great. So you all take the damage.

You're not, however, the only people that have collapsed into this communal space because as this ship colossally, as if driven by a drunken, fucked idiot, driven by someone who has no business driving a skyship but has a strange confidence that they can excel in any circumstance, others have fallen into this communal space. Some of these strange goblinoid people

in their sort of weird, veiny suits, and also Skymaster Kyren and one Arcanist, and they're grappling at each other on the floor, fighting desperately. Kyren looking very much like he wishes he had his super magical saw, Glaive, which he does not currently possess. I think we look at each other and we all say at the same time Freezo. And we probably were like, I say Skymaster, we deal with this.

This is still absolute chaos. The only person everybody's getting up, so the only person that gets an action is Bobby because Bobby was able to land gracefully. We're still upside down? No, no, no. You're standing on the roof right way up. On your hoverboard. Yeah, the thing is upside down.

Yes. Okay, so can I make my way up? Is there an exit like up and out? Well, do you... So, yeah, you're just trying to flee? I'm just... I... Flee is such a loaded word.

Yeah. It's just... Investigate. Oh, I guess you've got the... The glider will not be enough to carry all the dragon friends. It's a single person glider. No, no, no. I guess I'm trying to make my way to the bridge. Great. Investigate. I guess you've got the glider will not be enough to carry all the dragon friends. It's a single person. No, no, no.

I guess I'm trying to make my way to the bridge. Great. Okay. So then you're going to have to work out a way to fly past the Teppanyaki chef, who again is not making eye contact and does not seem to give a shit. So I'm going to take a run up and jump on my hoverboard. All right. Flying over Chiron.

Right. Great. Make for me quickly, intelligence check. That's the number one. Oh, halfling. Halfling. Halfling quickly, intelligence check. That's a number one, but halfling. Halfling. Reroll. That's a three. All right.

Second time is not lucky, unfortunately. You try to kickstart the glider, and it flies off out of your hand. You lose your grip, and you fall sprawling down to the ground. You can see now that the Arcanist and Chiron, who go next, are fighting. Oh, okay. They both miss.. While the Bat figures come through, two of them are doing strength checks and they manage to disable and call down one of the Arcanists, which means that the last one is there on Kyren and he walks forward. This one, you can see now, is slightly bigger than the other figures and it walks on its hind legs gets up its talons at

its side and it reaches forward and very consciously walks towards the slumped prone body of um sky master chiron his metal body all tangled up in the teppanyaki restaurant furniture and he does two things simultaneously with one, he grabs at his head and pulls, and you can see now that it is wet oil skin. And as it comes free, you can see that it has built-in goggles and is in fact a mask and breathing apparatus. And underneath, you can see that it is a grizzled, serious-looking man with a chiseled jaw and a scar running down his entire cheek and over his eye.

And with his other hand, with the claw on it, he very consciously walks over Chiron, flips open the jar with the brain in it, puts his hand into the water over Chiron's brain and says, give me one good reason why I shouldn't squeeze, Chiron. And everybody freezes. Are they still in free fall? No, no, this is all happening on the ceiling of the teppanyaki restaurant. and everybody freezes. Are they still in free fall? No.

No, no, this is all happening on the ceiling of the teppanyaki restaurant. Is the ship in free fall? Is the ship in free fall? Have they crashed ship? Dave, while this is happening, can Freezo have another go at writing the ship? You're going to in one second be able to go. That's actually worth saying.

So Freezo has not crashed the ship. Freezo has managed to flip the ship and then somehow keep it stable. So it's not falling anymore. Crashing is such a loaded word. Friso's doing his best. Okay, but they're not like, okay, it's stable. It is, but another lurch and this fight

at the moment, which is going on the way of the scarred man, could go in the other direction. This is a real Mexican standoff moment. So, as he does that in the room, Fr is going on the way of the scarred man, could go in the other direction. This is a real Mexican standoff moment. So, as he does that in the room, Freeza, what are you trying to do? I'm going to try and right the ship. With disadvantage, because

there is a panicked, bale-ish handcuff to your hand, squirming around crazy. 19 is my lowest what 14 plus my proficiency plus my intelligence okay you're able to stabilize the ship and you very slowly spin it around you don't know what's going on remember you have to play this what what was your plan here you can't play this knowing what's going on. No, I'm flipping.

Because I flipped it upside down. I'm like, oh god, I'm gonna fix it. I mean, let's be honest. Is Freezer gonna be gently trying to like right the ship or is he gonna be like, oh, back the other way. But I take issue with passing a roll to fail a roll. Yeah. No, he's not failing the roll. He's just he's just flipping it back. That's what I said. Yeah.

I'm flipping it back. But the thing is because you passed the roll, you're gonna flip it back in a good way. Oh, no, you want to flip it back But the thing is Because you passed the roll You're going to flip it back In a good way Oh no You want to flip it back violently Is what you're saying Yeah yeah yeah

Okay great But flipping it back violently Is also going to give you the band To make a constitution check With a disadvantage as well Constitution? Who needs that? The lowest one is

Ten Okay you spin around As you do Baelish gets With his chain Gets wrapped around you as well You start to see spots As you spin around as you do, Baelish gets with his chain gets wrapped around you as well you start to see spots as you spin it around too quickly, the room is now completely depressurised

and Friso begins to black out as he is now the only person strapped into the throne and as he blacks out he says, hold the knife to my neck, I need to feel alive laughter laughter laughter

The room starts to spin again and at the moment that it does, very quickly another one of the figures in the oil skin suit pulls it back and you can see that it is a woman with white hair cropped in a very sort of severe Uma Thurman kind of hairstyle, and she very quickly raises her hands and creates a feather-fall bubble inside the room as a little area of anti-gravity as the figure of the scarred man slowly pulls Kyron until he's in the centre of the room. The rest of you quickly make dexterity checks. Friso will kill the party if given the chance. Oh, yeah.

23. 14. 26. All right, so you two are able to follow the trajectory of the room to a teppanyaki stool, I suppose. Oh, my God. Did you see that? You just, like, land on the stool and, like, a shrimp lands in your mouth.

Bravo! And the slug's just like... Filch, you take 2d10 damage. So Filch takes another six points of damage. Oh, Filch. As Filch falls in a heap. But the figures are still inside the bubble, and they sort of stay there, suspended, floating in the center of the room.

First of all, cool scar. Second of all, it's not nice to touch people's brains. Third of all, thank you for the bubble. Yeah. You know who this is? Ah, Skymaster Chiron, if I remember correctly. And you are?

I thought as much. My name is... My name is Jerek Rim. My name is... My name is Jarek Rim. First consul... What? No, what? It's a bit silly, isn't it? Jarek Rim.

Rim. I think it's mean for parents to not think first. You know, think how it's going to work together. Jarek, we don't have time for this, says the woman. And she kneels down to the brain. Go on, what's yours? My name is Moira. Moira what?

Moira. Moira. Moira, my name is Moira. Ben is so close to saying the word farts. That's why I've got to go. That's why I've got to move really quickly. Moira La Rune. Okay.

And she was fine. You think that's not funny, but Jeric Rimm. It's the double K sound. And Jeric Rimm is legitimately, we speak about this behind your back. We don't have time. And she kneels down to Karsus, I mean, to Kyron,

and says, where's Karsus? You fools. I will have your heads for this. I will have your skin. I will have you flayed in front of me. Well, I,

at least I have those things. You big, you've got your, they've got your, they've got your, pickle boy. Drag the skinless bitch. Did you hear what I said?

I said pickle boy. Yeah, it's a good one. I think that was good. Well, you fools may have found me, Skymaster Kyron, Commodore of the Ardent Flight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yet, this is his ship. Where is he? He's not here.

What? He's back in his sky palace. Oh, tonight's bugle night. What? He's back in his sky palace. Oh, tonight's boggle night. Cassus is our prisoner. Jericho!

What? Jericho! Did you say Cassus is your prisoner? Yes. What? Yes, he's our prisoner. Who are you? Who are you? We've been through this.

Oh, you answered that, yes. He's Mr. Rimjob! And you will show him respect! In our culture, you affix job to the end of names to denote utmost respect well you will give him his full title Jerrick rim job Thank You Moira but I think we've understood enough. No, Rimjob! I genuflect before you, Rimjob! If Cassis isn't here, then we've shot our shot and failed.

We lost six good howlers on this run. We won't have another chance to get him. Unless... Unless you have him imprisoned. I don't. That was for you to fill in, and you did a good job. Unless... Unless you have him imprisoned. I don't. That was for you to fill in, and you did a good job. Unless... You could put anything there. I'm sorry, but who are these people?

Am I, like, still falling? No, no, no. At this point, Phil looks up from inside a sort of pile of shrimp and knives. Yum and out. She's eating a knife and just accidentally chewed on a tail. I pluck a prawn head out of my eye. Hello. These guys are so bad at introductions. Every time we meet someone, all just yab yab yab, forget to say their names. Me Filch! You Rim Job.

Yes. I am Commander Rim Job, yes. And why you wanna kill, um... Moira La Rune is my name. And Moira La Rune job, me shall call you. Thank you, but I don't deserve that title, but I really appreciate that. But one day... Phil's job.

Wait a second. I didn't mean to tell you my name. Don't worry about it. So, like, real quick, what's your beef with Brainzo? How long do you have? Well, hurt, real quick, what's your beef with Brains-O? How long do you have? Well, hurtling through space, crazy man driving ship. The ship seems to have stabilised. I can only assume that means that some of our howlers that attacked the bridge

have successfully overcome the arcanists there and taken command of the throne. Oh, no, pretty sure that our friend, but don't worry, he's insane! The orc knows more it seems than you do, Rimjob. And as you see that, a quite handsome, taller, another member of the Howlers comes in, and over his shoulder are two bodies handcuffed to each other. One a comatose Friso, and the other an unconscious Baelish. And he throws them both on the ground, and he says, the bridge is secured, but the ship is falling fast.

Do you want to play this one? Sure. Yeah. He's like, righto guys, what I just said before. Basically, ship tick secure, bridge falling fast. We really got to move. Look, I heard what you said, cast isn't here, I understand that we're upset, we've got plenty of time to debrief and do all that, but right now I think we just really need to land this fucking thing. Great idea.

Who are you? Who? Ah, you can call me Baston Indrirovich Job. Indrirovich Job. Indrirovich Job. Is that the moment it kicked in? What? Oh! Wow, wow, wow. Oh, woo, wow, wee, wow.

Well, if getting all your other names is going to take as long as that, I just simply don't have time. Another arcanist comes in and says, we have just enough ether left. We'll be crash landing just south of the Court of Exile. And he thinks about this for a second and he's like, yeah, that'll have to work.

I was going to think for a second if I had any control over this, but you said the word crash, and I don't really get to pick where that happened. So, do it. We brought the Laroon siblings with us. Her brother should be piloting us. If he says we're out of ether,

then I believe him. We are about to crash. And Kyron looks up and is like, and what of me? You'll kill me? Jarek, rim jump. Another medal on your wastrel jacket. And the tall guy, who's called Ja, says, Huh, Jarek? Rim-jump? Another medal on your... um,

wastrel jacket? And the tall guy, who's called Ja, says, No! Uh, we're... You're coming with us, actually. Yeah, and we're going with you too. No, I... Alright, it's settled.

Wait, one second. Who are you? You don't wear the silver sashes of Ilanar. You are clearly not members of the Ardent Flight. Do you work for Chiron? Do you work for Karsus? Where have you come from? If we had to take you to the court in exile, I need to know I can trust you.

All will be revealed. All we bring you there in chains. So I ask you this. Hey, man. Have you ever thought of just taking a deep breath So I ask you this. Have you ever thought of just taking a deep breath? I ask you this. Give me one reason to trust the five. And he nods at Val.

And Val's just like catatonic. She's passed out, but he acknowledges her. Why I should trust the five of you. Let's just say Cassius needs us, and we don't necessarily have a strong allegiance to him. Can I say, let's just say, and then I reach down into the jar,

and I pull out a brain, and I go, punt! Skymaster Chiron, Commodore of the Arden Flight, a name that has brought terror to the lips and hearts of countless rebels that would do ill to the Netherese Empire. A man so lauded for his many battles and triumphs and his orphanages that he enacted, named after him. Nah, they were sausage shit, though.

Nah, they were sausage shit, though. Skymaster Kyron, a man with two voices, a second backup voice with a suck-off protocol that we never heard too much about. A man who died for his city and was brought back in eternal service thanks to the magical power of ether, feels the experience of having his brain plucked out of his jar and as the googly eyes crudely pasted to the experience of having his brain plucked out of his jar.

And as the googly eyes crudely pasted to the side of it, flap left and right in the lilting breeze. One of the last true heroes of the age of wonder dies six days before the empire itself is doomed to fall and doom shall come to all when that time comes. But it is not today. There is still tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and two days after that. And yet still time to survive.

If they can just avoid really killing any more major characters in this campaign. It's episode three. I'm losing my mind. And this is, as always, Dragon Friends. Thank you. Thank you. Well, that's going to change things. We are going to need you and I to have a little chat.

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Eden Lacey, Michael Hing, that's me, and our DM is Dungeon Dave Harmon. Ben Jenkins does all the NPC voices and Shakira Khan designs our website. Cue guests, mixes, masters and edits our podcast, which is recorded on Gadigal Land in Sydney at the Sydney Comedy Store. Thank you for listening, and please remember, Tom Walker never turns up. A fucking dragon's friend Who here, who here was one of the half a million Australians? Just trying to gloss over this, trying to move on quickly. Who watched the Today Show?

Yeah! Let the battle begin. We're ready to roll the dice on the best-selling role-playing game of all time, Dungeons & Dragons. Your dungeon master has placed you in a dreadfully precarious position. You're playing the most ponamable game ever created. Your choices are limited. Stand and fight or run. Use your lightning bolt.

And joining us is the dungeon master from the podcast and comedy show The Dragon Friends, Dave Harmon. Hey, Dave. Hey, Dave. Hello. It is so unfair for you to show him and then cut to me like that. Oh, come on. So tell us about it, Dave Dungeon Daddy Harmon.

Oh, no. Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy.

Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy. Dave Dungeon Daddy Dope Oh, that is incredibly upset! Dungeon Daddy Dope That's an insider podcast joke. That just sounds like a weird sex thing. That just sounds like a weird sex thing. Weird sex thing. Weird sex thing. That just sounds like a weird sex thing. Weird sex thing. Weird sex thing. That a cumpackage butt. That just sounds like a weird sex thing.

That a cumpackage butt. That a cumpackage butt. That just sounds like a weird sex thing. That a cumpackage butt. That a cumpackage butt. That just sounds like a weird sex thing. That's just sounds like a weird sex thing. Oh, that is incredibly upset. That's so unfair. My mum's watching this.

What's your mum's name? I've had a few. Hi, Sylvia. You must be so proud of the Dungeon Master. Dungeon Daddy. There you go. That's better. Daddy.

Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. Special thanks to Matthew Pauly from Matt's House of Music for this, frankly, banging remix of the worst birthday of Dave's life.

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