Dragon Friends - #7.15. Cert III in Pilates

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

The 4 Great Religions have either come together or been crushed under foot, and now The Dragon Friends have all the resources they need to take the fight to the floating Citadel of Nether. Surely no discussions about piss could break the focus and resolve of heroes such as these. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honestly Ben, we love you, but if you do that or pull that shit again, we're gonna put you in the car and make you record outside. Fucking hell. Friendship is forever, friendship never ends, it doesn't matter what time you're in, you're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend. From the cradle to the grave, the lives of those poor wretched of New Island are lead lives of quiet desperation, yearning against the yoke of an unforgiving master who rules on high in a dark citadel that the people called Never. What name he once had has been lost for centuries.

Now he is simply known as the Controller. On high he watches, on high he passes judgment and on high he demands ever escalating quantities of that stuff of life that the mages call raw ether extracted from a people assumed broken until now for in new islander the scent of revolution is in the air impossibly the gods are returned and have reunited. Well, let's be honest, reunited three of the four churches of the land, unifying their leadership towards a terrible singular purpose, the elimination of the controller and the liberation of these lands.

Now, in the shadow brokerage of Ignatius Bum, a covenant has been formed. The Filgites lend their power to open a path through the stone waste and never. The Bastinets are ready with an assist, for it is their high priestess who has been captured within the Citadel. But their job for now is here on the ground, rallying the faithful. It will be up to you. Filge, Bobby, Friso, Baston, Lion Shield Banknote, and Edward Horatio Piss to do the impossible. Kill the king, rescue the priestess, liberate the city, and find a way back home. The stoneways are open. The way is clear. Clag Ignatius Bedford Stand by

Expectantly It is time To step Through Before we go I just want to say I've really enjoyed Getting to know

All of you And I See You told me to do the first line And I thought I had something In my head Yeah yeah yeah

I gave you the warning Literally before I started the spiel I don't know if you put it in there But I went Okay Just. I gave you the warning literally before I started the spiel. I don't know if you put it in there, but I went, okay, just remember, Ben, I'm throwing to you and I started the spiel. And he's saying,

I enjoyed getting to know all of you. That was confusing because I thought you were about to quit Dragon Friends. Can I say something? This is something weird that we've never done. We're back in the same room together

for the first time in forever, but we never look at each other. We're currently sitting in a circle and we never make eye contact with each other because we're always sitting in a line on a table. That's really true. This is freaking me out. Yeah, we're in a circle.

It's very, very strange. I sang a nice song to Eden before. Yeah, because you were me. You never actually looked at Eden's eyes before. And so I had to sing it. We also have, let's be honest, this is the first time we've been together since isolation ended in Sydney. We also have, let's be honest, this is the first time we've been together since isolation ended

in Sydney. We have too many snacks. We had a big Malaysian meal and we've all been a little bit silly. So we'll see how the energy holds up. So this is like what real Dungeons and Dragons is like. He says, in the time that I've known you, we've had our differences. We've had our uh...

Who's speaking right now? Who are you? This is Ignatius Bum Oh it's Mr. Bum Please Ignatius Bum We've had our differences We've had our secrets We've had laughs

I've told you things about my life And health that I never thought I would As he says I know what I'm doing! Don't get snippy, Ben. But it is time for me to give you something. Is it colic of the bum? Because I don't want colic of the bum.

And he takes out a book! That was from A Dusty Tom. Need time needlessly hostile the tomes are dusty a dusty time from his collection of tomes and he says as you know we are the church of secrets we collect information and this may be of use to you these are plans that I acquired some years ago for the Citadel. And he hands over this most dusty of useful items. Do we need gloves for this book? Is this a glove book? This is

well, if you want to take proper care of the book, you can go to the shops and buy some gloves, but it's now no longer my problem and you do with it what you want. Everybody pull your sleeves over your hands. All right, Bobby, are you carefully opening the book?

Yeah, sure. All right, you can see what looks to be stitched together from several sources. Blueprints of an enormous castle complex, cribbed shorthand notes everywhere, a real, a grail diary of mismatched notes. Everything that Ignatius Baum and his spies have been able to identify about the Citadel of Never. Is there an index for this?

Or it seems kind of a jumble. I don't know, like a, is it the whole thing? I'm not going to hold your hand. Could you though? Okay. All right. Are you asking him to come? Wait, are you not coming with us?

I thought this was a journey. Where are you going to go now? What are you going to do? I have Pilates. Wait, are you a student or a teacher? I am a student who is on the way to my- You're getting your qualification. Cert 3.

In Pilates. Are we talking mat Pilates or are you going to do the reformer? Yeah, you've got a machine. What are you doing? Are you doing heat? Those machines are very expensive. In this world too, Pilates reformers are expensive and exist. Not only in this world are Pilates reformers expensive also,

but in this world, Michelle Brazier, who also exists in this world, was scammed. Another baffling reference for people that are not fully committed to the cinematic universe of Weird Sydney Podcast. But if you ask of me to come, I will come as a friend.

Weird way to put it. And he is rock hard. You can see it through his Pilates pants. I guess not When we're putting together a big heist team Which is what this is Everyone has their own individual skills Obviously Bobby's a rogue

You know Bastogne You're the muscle That's right Filch also the muscle Me Classic psychopath Which one of your classic psychopath characters

Is speaking at this moment? This is the one who does this voice Michael Hing Classic psychopath characters is speaking at this moment. This is the one who does this voice. Michael Hing. Lunch of Bagnet has returned from the ghost and was like, I'm the money man. I'm the one who's always eating in every scene. Mr. Bum, sorry, Ignatius Bum,

what skills do you bring to the heist team? Well, I have a cert three in Pilates for one. Well, I don't think you do. I think you're going for that. Well, I'm pretty close, all right? It's just box ticking at this point. I think you've still got to do your final essay. I have... Do they make you do an essay?

I don't know. I have certain pieces of knowledge as to how the Citadel works and as to how this entire city works. If you will have me. Do you want to come? I want to point out, he's quite cryptic and it is unclear. It's hard to tell. He's an old man.

He's made it clear that he doesn't want to die. It's not quite clear if he's afraid or not. Make for me, this conversation is being led by Friso, so Friso using your great study of human emotion, make for me an insight check. An insight check. I rolled a 14.

You get the sense that there's something apprehensive about him, that you can maybe force him to come, but he's a bit scared. Or he's concerned about something. I get the but he's a bit scared. Or he's concerned about something. I get the sense that you're quite scared or uncertain about something. And here's what it is. I know that if you come with us, you're going to die.

I can promise you that. You can promise me that? Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no. Well, look, hey, this is, sorry, Dragon Huddle. I remember this from last time. Are we over here? This is classic episode stuff.

Whenever we have a guest that comes along and we go on a dangerous mission, the guest always dies. Baston! I can't feel like you're getting a little meta here. Yeah, what an episode. Baston proves the opposite point. Exactly. Exception that proves the rule.

Think about Dilj. How many times has Dilj died? Twice. Twice, two times. I do have to ask what Friso's talking about here. If you're going to have a meta discussion, you need to justify how this is working in Friso's head. Every time we go on an adventure and we bring someone with us, they die.

But you've killed some of them. That proves my point. This is working in Friso's head. Every time we go on an adventure and we bring someone with us, they die. You've killed some of them. That proves my point. Who are you talking to? Do you want him to come with us? I don't think so. No? No. But he's got knowledge of the mad force.

I will say that that is true. He's written the diary. I said that it's covered in cribbed notes. A lot of them are Byzantine cryptic, some of them in shorthand or a code that you don't understand. And if he comes, he'll want not to die, which will help us also not die. Look, I think we've got two options.

Either we bring him or he stays here, but he talks us through some kind of montage of him giving us the information that we need. All right. Your call, Dave. You turn around and he's got a backpack on. Frieza turns back to Ignatius Barbaros

and is like, okay, we've decided that you can come, but we aren't going to guarantee your safety. I understand that. But you're not going to actively kill me?

That's right. I didn't say that. No, no, no, no, no. No, I'm sorry. Let's go back to this now this negotiation worked. He said he didn't want to go. Frieza says, you, no, no. No, I'm sorry. Let's go back to this. Now this negotiation worked. He said he didn't want to go. Friso says you're definitely going to die

and then bargains it up to, all right, you can come, but we're not going to actively kill you. Yeah, but that's the thing. And Baston then guarantees, but will also guarantee that you won't not die. Huh? Huh?

Huh. All right, well, that's settled. That's very confusing. Make for me a persuasion check if you can, Friso. Oh, my persuasion's off the chain, though, so this is just going to succeed. Well, then what's the point of doing any of this? What's the point of any of this, Dave?

It's going to work, no problem. 26. I hate how arrogant you are about that and that there's no consequences. Okay, so he looks, yeah, he's got a little backpack and some inner reserve of strength is drawn inside him that and there's no consequences okay so he looks yeah he's got a little backpack and he met some some inner reserve of strength is drawn inside him and then he nods to you and um right opens up his book his great chronicle of this land writes another sentence lays the quill carefully on top

of the book slams it shut and then turns to face the stone ways with you that are starting to look like they're about to collapse. But where are we going to go? You said it yourself. You want to go to the nether and kill Karsus? Oh, yeah. I forgot we wanted to kill Karsus. Well, great. And I guess there's some kind of, like, engine that will smash

and the thing will fall out of the sky. We'll have a big parade. It'll be great. Great. Great. So the stoneways take us directly to the nether?'ll have a big parade. It'll be great. Great! Great! So the stoneways take us directly to the nether? You've asked just before, moments ago, another episode to be sure, but moments ago, you asked

the Great Crag and his or her, sorry, the Great Crag's rock formation and they have created a portal through the stoneways that leads into the bottom of Never, the citadel above you. It is now starting to collapse.

It's been held there for a while. All right. Well, Friso jumps through the portal. Let's go. Let's go. Baston goes too. All right. Everybody going in?

Yep. Everyone goes. All right. And after a moment, sighing to himself, the Ignatius bum follows. The rest do not. Their job is here, rallying the faithful around you as you make your way through the stoneways. Once again, strange, muddy, formless, Formosian corridors that seem to stretch into the earth. And then suddenly, unerringly knowing that you need to walk forward, you make your way through another portal that leads into a new space.

into a new space, a dark, winding corridor with a gleaming sort of finish of dark blue cobalt. What looks in the sky to be black is in fact a deep, deep, majestic blue. And as you touch the cobalt, it is cold to the touch and you can hear a whistling sound and a sense of constant movement and pressure in the air you are somewhere very different is the whistling like a high-pitched noise or is it like a more of a tune it's it's tuneless it's it's well that's like quite a tune i'm not making that noise you know bobby we might not have the copyright on that that's not me. That's Simon whistling.

It's like as if the air is escaping or leaking out of the space. How do our ears feel? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah, you know, your ears are popping again. You've gone very, very high up. It's very uncomfortable because every time you travel through the stoneways, you end at different heights. So we're way up, but we're actually at the bottom of this sky tower thing. Presumably, yeah.

Is it an inverted pyramid? Yeah, it's a ziggurat facing downwards with spikes coming off of it. It's a sort of very loose, bottom-heavy diamond shape. And we all know what a ziggurat is, and we've probably heard it explained to us in previous episodes. Not two episodes ago. Two episodes ago. Which is why we've probably heard it explained to us in previous episodes. Not two episodes ago. Two episodes ago. Which is why

we don't need to look it up. A pyramid. A square-y pyramid. Box pyramid. Yep, square pyramid. Like the Great Pyramid of Giza.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. One of the early pyramids. Yeah, yeah. A pyramidal-stepped temple tower, if you will. If you want to get

technical about it, sure. What's the way out of this room, Dave? The corridor winds around. It seems like you're on a long corridor that you came through the wall. It goes down, sloping to the right, and it goes up, sloping to the left. There are no stairs inside.

It's a smooth ramp. Mr. Bum, up or down? Up. Up? Well, it depends. What are you trying to do? We want to kill Cassus, Dave. Before we go anywhere,

I'm giving you a full of secrets. Do you know one that is how to kill Cassus? Because we don't have a plan, and he's a very powerful magician. Like, do we need to take inventory? Does anybody have any special weapons? Well, you should have thought of this before you came into the ziggurat, Bobby.

Well, it's not my fault, because the portal was closing down. We had to get in here. Yeah. So there was a couple of reasons that you have come back here. Don't forget that 9 Sister Mysonia, head of the Bastionettes, was imprisoned by the Trollers and has presumably been brought here. Yeah. I know why we're here.

I just want to know if Karsus has an Achilles heel if you will. Well, he's been sucking the life out of all the people, right? So I guess probably the people power is keeping the pyramid up in the air. So maybe if we could cut off the people power, then the thing would fall out of the air. Yeah, if we killed all the people.

And you are canonically the dumb one. Yeah, wow, I really... Which is fascinating. Yeah, wow. Which is fascinating. Yeah, wow. Because you're right. Cassus lives in a state between life and death, sucking the life out of the citizens to barely hold on to life. And as he says this, he's rifling through the book,

and he comes upon an old, beautiful, illustrated diagram, a cross-section of what is obviously the Citadel of Never. And you can see that tributary lines have been carved inside it as if they are the veins and ventricles of a beating heart, reaching to the bottom parts of the ziggurat, all leading towards a central four chambers, about a third of the way up the ziggurat as he taps it so in this way paradoxically casus is both very weak but also very powerful and dangerous he's if you like like an ant with

a big gun was that the lord of Secrets Not Metaphors Was that illustration helpful to you? He turns the page And there's a picture See this makes me wish we had live shows Because I would have really enjoyed Flipping through the pictures of an ant With a big gun

At interval Well that's it then. We no have to confront him directly. We just get into the supply lines and put piss in there or something. We must become the cholesterol that blocks the power to his beating heart. Please, could we stay with the antinomalogy?

But he goes on quickly to say, you have to understand, even my knowledge has its limits. No living person has stepped foot. Not even the trollers below have been up here. The only people that come up here are the prisoners that the controller sends for and they never return. It has been hundreds of years since living feet have trod these halls. You must be the first. So we're the only people here, then?

Other than Cassus, or I suppose something that could live for hundreds of years. Technically, yes. Or a robot. Or the prisoners. Or a broomstick that can walk around and do stuff. Those are three things. A robot, a broomstick that can walk around.

Or you could put those two together, and it's a Roomba. A robot, a broomstick that can walk around. Or you could put those two together and it's a Roomba. A cleaning robot. All right. Oh, there it is. Tiny little bit. It's an evil looking Roomba. We wait for him to pop. All right.

Everyone's like up in the ceiling. Let's go up this spirally corridor. Yes, all right, excellent. So heading your way up the corridor, and I would like to know who is going first. Chug or not. Who's leading the way? I'll go because I'm stealthy.

All right. Can you see in the dark? There's no light in here. Oh, I cannot. Oh, I'll go, you cowards. Thank you, Phil. I muscle everyone out of the way. I pick everyone up and put them to the side as I walk past.

Filch, you'll- Let me through. Make for me a stealth check and make for me a perception check. I would like to hear both of them from you, Filch. Here's my stealth check. And what else did you want, Dave? I got a 14. 14 for stealth.

And what did you get for perception? Well, I got a 14. No, I got 13. Oh, okay. Very good. Very good. So Filch is walking up ahead of you. As I said, this entire corridor,

and you haven't seen any entrances or exits, it just seems to wind a nonstop ramp that is carved into the inside of this layer of the citadel. And for a while, you walk in silence until Filge puts her hand up and points through the darkness. And those of you whose eyes can unnaturally adjust see that there is a static shape standing motionless in front of you. It is a shape that looks strangely familiar, one that you've seen before. Big, tall, imposing coming down to small

spindly legs covered in sort of strange blemishes. It is unmistakably the silhouette of the Skymaster of a thousand years ago, Chiron. And he's standing motionless, just a silhouette ahead of you. And now he's made of bread.

Nope. Alright. Is Chiron the brain in the drill? Yeah, that's right of bread. Nope. All right. Is Karin the brain in the drill? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Oh. It's not clear if he's active, if he's asleep, if he's noticed you, if he's standing still. Is there anything on the ground?

Like if I feel around for a little pebble or something to throw? The floors are just chilled, cold cobalt. This area almost feels like it's organically carved out of the stone. Didn't we throw him out of a plane? Yeah, we did. And then another time we didn't. All right. Hing, you're a coward.

Can you also make for me a perception check? Perception. I rolled a one is what I rolled. Okay, excellent. Sorry. So, yeah. Meanwhile, what are you doing, Filch? Does that mean I go blind?

You don't know what they're looking at. Oh, I forgot you guys can't see. I'm pointing at something. Oh, it looked like Kyron. You guys remember that guy? Oh, yeah. Brain boy. Yeah, real attitude problem.

Is that how loud you say that? Because he's about 30 feet forward. Yeah. All right, great. The figure hasn't moved, however, even despite the fact that you guys are making quite a bit of noise. Do we have any more biscuits to put in his biscuit slot?

He loved those biscuits. Was this the timeline that you were quite rude to him? I honestly don't know. The figure hasn't moved. If anything, it just seems to be standing there more and more sinisterly. What? This is wild. He's not doing anything, but he's getting more and more sinister

by doing nothing. Wow, what a powerful guy. I'm going to tiptoe up to him and give him a knock on the legs. All right. And I'm hanging on to Filge's shirt. Has he got his scepter with him? It's just a silhouette. It doesn't look like he has the scepter on him.

Or the spear. The skyclaw thing. The Ch no so you philge creeps forward towards you while you all everyone's eyes are on philge as philge slowly steps closer and closer towards the figure and just as she is about to reach forward to touch did did you say his legs? Yeah, knock on his legs. You want to knock on his legs. Rat-a-tat-tat. You want to lean down and knock on his legs. Traditional greeting. Okay, just as Phil is about to lean down to knock on the...

That's normal. Have you heard of somebody knocking their knees? The robotic legs of Chiron. Have you heard of somebody knocking their knees? The robotic legs of Chiron. There is a click and a shh noise as suddenly the entire bell jar of where his brain should be snaps open to reveal that there is simply a huge floodlight that pierces out like a huge powerful beam of light dazzling all of you and illuminating the corridor brilliantly. There's no brain. It's simply a huge mesh of wires in a murky liquid towards a giant filament. And as the light blinds all of you and you take a step back, startled, you suddenly hear a whimper behind. And as you turn, you see at the back of the group, Friso, unbeknownst to all of you, is standing bolt upright,

and around his neck is a metal hand held by another one of these automata Chiron lookalikes, his light now illuminating you both from the behind as well as all of you are trapped in the crossed beams. So there's two robots. So there's two, and one of them's got Freezo. That's correct. Probably let him go.

The figure looks at you with its, like, suddenly very violently the neck snaps forward as the spotlight finds you, Aiden, and then there suddenly is a piercing staticky noise and through it you can hear the common tongue as you hear something that sounds almost like computer speech

as it says, you will come with us. And it jabs its hand even further into Friso's neck. Now, Friso, this is because of your one perception check. You still have use of your hands. This creature has just jumped up behind you and grabbed you seconds before it revealed itself to the use of your hands. This creature has just jumped up behind you and grabbed you seconds before it revealed itself to the rest of the group. Now that it's

touching me, what's it made out of? You can see it's metal. You're very clear that any of the human parts of Chiron are not present in these creatures, though they are obviously made in his likeness. No brains. No brains. Okay. Okay. I'll just I'll come with you.

That's totally fine. You will come with us or the weird elf dies. Okay, well, I'm pretty sure he's not an elf, but... Oh, that's... I just... Malfunction, malfunction! I saw him from behind. I just assumed that...

Oh, God. You will come with us or the human, the human, human. Oh no. Say it, it's okay to say it. I think you can, I think you can short circuit this guy. You're perilously close. Tell you what, you've confused him. I said, do his eyes look different to yours?

Is that what you're saying? At this point, Banknote wanders up and he's like... Wanders up. Okay, we don't have to do anything rash. Everybody calm down. I'm just going to talk very slowly to you and come a little bit closer. You are able to come a little bit closer

because it's stressed out. Its light is moving wildly between the two of you. Did I say something racist? I just came out of sensitivity training. Nobody thinks you did anything racist necessarily. A lot of it is, unfortunately, about how the things you say are perceived by others. It's so unfair that the robot said this

and now Banknote's the one that has to talk it down. Banknote is giving this very sensitive, very empathetic talk. And while this is happening, I'm sure, but I just want you to know that while all of this happens, the other one has grabbed you, Filch. So you're held, but yes? Banknote is going to electrocute the robot. Okay, great.

Opposed initiative rolls, let's go. I want to do initiative two, Dave. What are you trying to do? I'm going to attack the one that's on bilge because I'm right behind her. That's allowed. Okay, great. The robot has an initiative of just even ten. What did you get? I rolled a... 20! 14!

Okay, so as Banknote lunges towards one robot on the south of the corridor, on the north of the corridor, you, Baston, corridor, you best on? What are you doing exactly? So what I'm going to do, Dave, because I'm ninth level, is I'm going to make an attack roll with my sword on the bloody guy, which is a nat 20.

Boom! Fuck you, Dave. Fuck you, Dave. Fuck you. Again, I just want my friends to have a fun time playing Dutch. So it does eight damage to him, right? But I'm going to perform, because I'm a ninth level monk, there's some next level shit here, a stunning strike. Okay.

Which, fuck you, fuck you, where is it? Give me a character sheet any day Okay, melee attack I spend one ki point And the target is stunned I don't know if you guys noticed this But a lot of what all of you do When you're looking up things on your character sheets

Is under your breath you say fuck you, fuck you Dave You have to wonder over five years What that does to me It's not you, it's the technology, Dave. So you've got to make it... Yeah, paper. Con saving throw. DC 14 or be stunned.

All right. A roll. It rolls an eight. It's terrible. However, whatever organic stunning method that the Arakokra of Chult have trained you does not work on this creature

as it grabs your hand. The damage hurts, however. Ow! Oh, it hurts him. Yeah, well, good. Well, I'm going to do the rest of my attacks then. I'm going to do more tackling. All right, you keep doing that.

While you're rolling that quickly, what happens? So, Banknote rolls a 13 plus 5 is 18. And then the damage that he does... Oh, fuck, fuck, I backed! No, I got it. Yep. Fuck you, fuck you. We do swear a lot. Fuck you. No, I got it. Yep. Fuck you, fuck you. We do swear a lot.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Dave. Fuck you, Dave. Fuck you, Dave. All right. That could be any Dave. That could be Dave Matthews. It could be the movie Dave. Yeah.

Nine damage. Okay, great. Nine damage. Excellent. But I think that would be because it's a robot and because it's electric damage. I think it would do 40 damage. That's my guess. And I do 23 from three attacks,

but I think it would be at least 167. I'm just curious to know mathematically how you arrived at the number 40, Hank. Well, I was like times it by four because it's probably quadruple damage. And then I was like... Add a bit. Round it up because I like me.

All right. So, yes, I will say the electricity blows out the light on the thing and it suddenly screams in a very high-pitched, almost pneumatic sort of whistle blast sound. Suck off protocol engaged. It flies backwards down the corridor. The last thing he says. The filament explodes and there is a bright light that bursts forward.

And this one does dazzle everyone. So disadvantage for the next round of combat. But by blowing it out, you have actually eliminated it. However, it reveals two more of these robots that had been stalking you up the south approach of the corridor. There are still three of them around you. You did 23 damage. The robot is almost dead.

Phil, you're up next. Have they got, like, felt on the bottom of their feet or something? Like, how are robots stealthily following us in a pure cobalt tunnel? That's a great question. And you look down and you see that actually one difference of them from the silhouette of Chiron is that the wheels...

Human feet. The wheels... Human feet would be weird. No, the wheels connect into a singular wheel. So these ones wheel, which is why, presumably why this corridor... Even the legs connect into a singular wheel? Yeah, they port into... Like Gizmo Duck from DuckTale?

Oh, God, yeah, I suppose. Like Gizmo Duck. Or like the robot housekeeper in the Jetsons? Just like that. Or Rosie. Rosie, thank you. A human unicyclist. What's her name, Rosie?

That doesn't have any robot. I think it was Rosie Riveter. Oh, Rosie. No, Rosie Riveter's the lady going, let's do it. Yeah, I thought that was it. And is she a robot? No, but she does have a wheel for feet. Yeah, it's never in the shot.

Yeah, right. Who would win in a fight between Rosie the Riveter and Rosie from the Jetsons? Great question. Oh, trick question. Those two girlbosses would team up together to fight the men. We can do it side by side, both of them showing the guns. Please, a fan art somewhere, make it happen. Both of them just beating the shit out of George Jetson.

Fucking it. Make it happen. Both of them just beating the shit out of George Jetson. Fucking idiot. I love Nick. All right, there's three of you. Filge, what are you doing? I'm furious. What are you angry about? To be captured by a robot of a man who I've already killed. The indignity.

Okay, so you're going into a rage? I absolutely am going into a rage. Thank you very much. All right, great. Make your attack. I will. I'm good. With advantage. Fuck you, so you're going into a rage? I absolutely am going into a rage. Alright, great. Make your attack. I will. I'm good. With advantage. Fuck you, fuck you. Don't say that. You're in my house.

Okay, my best one, I got 25. 25 will hit. And then for my damage, I got 16. I got 14 but then I get plus 2 melee, don't I? Yes, you do. But the point is that as soon as you connect with Thunder's Wake,

your giant magical warhammer, as the electric discharge of the hammer connecting. Yes, I was hoping it was electric. It blasts with electric energy. The filament smashes and cracks as the one that Baston had already warmed up for you goes skittering up the corridor, dead. The way is clear to the north.

Now there are two of them tailing you from the back. And Bobby, your turn is now. I feel like I have very little to offer in the robot fighting arena. Do you have anything slippery that their wheels would slip and slide all over on? Or anything sticky that their wheels would stick to? Or a stick that you can jam in those spokes. Yeah, or nails? No, you're just going through the Home Alone devices.

Can we balance a bucket of water on a door? Like a boom gate. Yeah, okay, maybe I'll go in and I'll jam a dagger in the wheel. Well, what does the wheel look like? It doesn't have spokes. It doesn't have spokes? It's a clean metal wheel. It does look like it's a bit of a weak point

where the wheel connects to the spindly little legs. All right. I might try and clang that with a sword. All right. Grabbing your moon-touched long sword. Short sword. You go in and you make an attack. Go for it. Yep. That's a 29 your moon-touched long sword. Short sword. You go in and you make an attack. Go for it.

Yep. That's a 29, baby. 29. 29 hits. Yep, to give you the damage. And nine damage. Nine points of damage. While this is happening, Freezo, it's your go.

Freezo is going to cast Thunderclap. Oh, very nice. And he... Oh, no. So the robots have to do a DC 14 dexterity save. Dexterity is not their high point. One gets a 12, and the other one gets a 17. One success.

Goodness gracious. Okay, so they're going to take... Oops, hang on. I think that's right. 19? No, that can't be right. 14 damage. 14 damage.

It's electrical again? Yeah, it's electrical. All right, great. So the one that fails the test blows out. The other one... Who's 19? Anyway, they're fucked. Yeah, the other one saggers back and it's in pain,

which means that the next one to go, I'll let you do them both at the same time, Ben, because Edward Horatio Piss and... Is he there? Yeah, I guess. Oh, did he go on the ghost tour? No, he came back when... Yeah, he's there.

Piss and Bum, both there. Yeah, both of Ben's well-named characters are in the fray. They can do whatever they want. Ben, we haven't given them... What did Edward Piss sound like? Was it me? More or less. More or less me.

All right. Hello! Ben, we haven't really discussed what these characters do. So Edward Piss is obviously an attaché, but of a school of magic. So there might be something there. And the other one is a shadow broker of secrets illicit. So go nuts.

All right. Well, here's what I think. I think Ignatius Baum has a cane. Okay. Okay, because he's an old man. Candy or otherwise. Sorry? No, it's a regular cane.

But on Christmas, he does let the people wrap a sort of red ribbon around it. And children, obviously. But it's not Christmas! So he has a regular cane, and from that cane, he pulls a sword. Oh! Laser sword? A regular sword!

Christmas sword? Candy sword? Yeah, but unfortunately, the last time we took it out was Christmas. It's covered in tinsel. Yeah, it's covered in tinsel but it's still very deadly and he says,

let's see if I remember how to do this. And he falls over. Well, I mean, he is rusty so I feel like I should have to roll. Yeah, no, it's,

he falls over. Let's see if I remember how to sword fight a robot. Alright, okay, roll for me a d20 as he grabs his stiletto out of his. Alright, that is a. This is a All right. Okay, give a girl for me a D20. He grabs his stiletto out of his... All right, that is a... This is a veteran's cane.

It's a real D&D magic item. Yeah, it is a metric two. Okay. And he falls over. I don't remember. He puts it above his head and then like the force of it tips him backwards. Yeah, he hands mole man's...

He tries to step on it and the cane's not there. Edward Pierce? He just takes his dick. Wait, wait, wait. Isn't there a tiny warrior cricket in Ignatius Bum's hat? No, that was in Trotwood's hat. You're thinking of,

it wasn't Jeremiah Sneed's hat. Yeah, and that tiny cricket has a big gun. So it's a shame that he's not here. Mr. Trotwood has a gun that shoots lightning balls. Edward Piss says this is the time.

This is the time to make the name Piss a noble name again. Echo through the ages. And he doesn't really have a lot. He has a little dagger that his father, also Edward Piss, gave to him.

Does it say Piss on the side? It says Piss on the side. Has it been dipped in urine in order to make it poisonous? No, it's just the name, Michael. It's just the man's name. Urine's not poisonous, Michael. Did you know that? Edward Piss.

Pulls out the dagger. Piss by name pulls out his dagger and says, It has been an honour. You may not be gods, but you are gods in my heart. And then he says, it just occurred to me, this is the sort of thing somebody says before they die. And I don't want to die, so I'm going to say, hello. And then he runs at the robot's wheel.

That's going to provoke an attack, a reaction attack from the robot. He's going to die so hard. The robot gets a 25 on its ram attack. Poor old man with his book of secrets. No, this is Edward Pierce. This is Pierce. No, sorry. That's 15 points of damage,

which means that Edward Piss, beloved level one henchman, who Banknote has known for presumably his entire life, is grabbed and rammed against the wall as the robot turns around, erratically spinning around the filament trying to capture all of you. And you see his little jaw break

and the dagger that says piss falls, clatters to the ground, the wheel entirely unmolested. No! Edward! Edward! Oh, you know what? It's probably good that he's dead because some of his political opinions recently have been very dicey.

At least he didn't get his little hog out. And then as his final thing, as he's lying there on the ground bleeding out with just a little death spasm, he opens up his fly and gets his little wing out. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't.

Fast on, quickly. This is your go. Oh, I'm going to do more attacks. The machine spins around having used its reaction attack and shoots its light out at all of you don't forget that you're dazzled i try to remember that as well um it goes on you friso for 24 which is definitely going to hit you so you take 2d8 plus 3 points as well so you take 11 hit points of damage as you fall back friso is pinned against the wall painfully as the creature tries to get a scrabbling purchase on his back.

And a dull siren is now pulsing from its neck that is echoing up and down the corridor. Can I help the one that's on Friso? That's the only one that's left. All right. Boom, boom, boom. Is that critical? That's a no. I think no means one, though, doesn't it?

Why does your dice... Yeah, it does. That's your dice. All right. Oh, I hit with one. You rolled a one and a two? Yeah, and I hit with a 12, though. All right, great.

Make you roll your damage. Meanwhile, at the same time, Banknote. So how many are left? Just the one that's killing Friso, choking him out right now. And Friso seems to like it. Don't look at me! Don't look at me! Banknote runs across and goes,

I'll kill you like I killed your father! And he shock and grasps Guy. Which is confusing because Banknote didn't kill Kyron, but let's keep going. Oh, no, I thought that was the other robot. He just assumed. The other robot. Yeah, the other robot.

Because they look the same. And Banknote rolls. Just bring your son to work, Dave. He thinks that this is a robot family. That's the mum. That's the dad. Big brother. Baby. Banknote rolls in. 18 plus 4 is 22. He's the mom, that's the dad, big brother, baby. Banker rolls in 18 plus 4 is 22.

He thinks the Roomba's the baby. That's great. Can you roll for me a recharge dice? I just need you to roll a 1, 2, 3 or 4. Well, that's a 6, baby. All right. There is a pshh noise as Banknote's electric shock glove dies. Its temporary battery's capacitor drained,

but its power has instead entered the robot, which looks, turns around piteously before its filament explodes with shrapnel-showering freezer for four points of damage, Banknote for three points of damage, and the poor lost body of Edward Horatio Piss. His piss knife on the floor. It's called a piss knife because it's a knife of the family. Piss, that's it.

It's got nothing to do with anything else. Same spelling, different meaning. And it's a homophone. Oh, piss is a very old name dating back, meaning urine. Meaning urine Which is a famous Sterilising agent Beloved by many

And high above New Island Five lights go out for the very last time Three of them on robots Strange Ardenites Eternal guardians of the Citadel of Never Created in the likeness of Chiron That great hero of a lost age, and two more pinpoints of light die as well.

The last light in the eyes of Edward Horatio Piss, last of his name and great line, who dies here in the service of his one true friend and master, Lion Shield Banknote, who is already presumably in the process of forgetting him. To find out what happens next, tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Eden Lacey, Simon Greiner, and Michael Hing.

Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon, with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and poster compliments by Tom Cady. Shakira Khan is our producer. The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And this episode was recorded at Dave's house in Gadigal land in the Euronation. Until next time. Friendship is forever.

Friendship never ends. It doesn't matter what time you're in. You're still a dragon friend. A fucking dragon friend I reckon if you cut yourself And I pissed on the wound At the very least it would be annoying No

It's famously sterile Ah, poison They recommend you do that No one is recommending that I piss on Simon's wounds. Michael, this is an open invitation. If I am wounded, pee pee away. Also, just because something's sterile doesn't mean, just because there's no bacteria in it doesn't mean it's good for you.

No, but you can clean out a wound. But it also doesn't mean it's poisonous. So if your option is, this is it. Okay, you and me are camping, as we like to do. We're outdoorsman day. And rugged is the day we were born. We were hunting a bear, okay? Sure.

And the bear attacks me. Like you always do. All right? We're hunting a bear. We're trying to capture a bear to put in our circus. Dave has an unethical circus. Extremely unethical circus. And the only way that I can get my animals for it is me and Hing have to go.

We have to lie to everyone we know, our partners. Nobody can know about the circus. This is the spin-off I came to see. I love it. And we hunt a bear. So good. It's our annual trip. So we do this.

We've got this huge thing. We tell people that we're going to Korea to watch a League of Legends championship. But we go to the Arctic Circle to hunt a bear because you promised me that you would help me fill my unethical circus. And every year, once a year, I'd make you help me. And what have you got already in your unethical circus?

Or is this just to get it off the ground? It is the bear to prove to his investors that he can't. Right now, all he has is a bunch of criminal clowns. There's a monkey that he's taught to smoke cigarettes. And so, picture, so we're there, we're there, and I get savagely mauled by the bear, and there is a creek on the left of me, and you're wee sack in your pants.

Because being refuses to wee in nature. Because we were told to leave only footprints, take only photographs. Take only bears. So I'm keeping one specific bear. So you have this pouch of urine that you keep on your belt. And in that circumstance, I would rather you clean out my wounds after you've scared off the bear with the urine because it's sterile. Dave, can we play this adventure instead of the rest of the video?

So you would rather I slit open the goon sack of piss that I have and pour that on your open belly. I think any of us would prefer that. Rather than creek water. I'd ask you to kill me. There could be cryptosporidium in that. Yeah, you exactly are on cryptosporidium. Okay, so wait.

Giardia. Think of the cryptosporidium. We'll just go around the circle. Dave, you want me to piss? You want the piss Eden piss? I don't want to have nothing to do with you. Okay, Alex? Bring that bear back.

Simon? I've already said yes. Okay, and Ben, you want me to kill you with a brick? You want me to kill you with a brick? How are you going to kill me with a river stone? This has been an eliminated G2. That's the way I'm putting it. Michael, Ben holds my hands. Michael, there was never a bear.

Okay, great. What the fuck were we doing?