Dragon Friends - #9.01. Narratively Unimportant

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

After so many years and so many adventures, The Dragon Friends can finally find peace. But can their hard won respite last, or will adventure come knocking for them instead. Hosted on Acast. See acast....com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Yeah, it's lovely. It was wonderful. I love my friends. I got to spend all this time making content with them in a holiday house. I got to go to another holiday house, hang out with them every night while they were really loud and playing games. And then I got to go home and not see any of those fucking people for months. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die.
Starting point is 00:00:18 Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. Dragon friends must die. It has been six months since the city of Waterdeep freed itself from the clutches of the false Duke Davantiral Six months since the cult of the Artifices tried and failed to seize power And six months since the Dragon Friends have returned at last from their roundabout journeys through time and space to the land from which they came.
Starting point is 00:00:48 You are home. You are healthy. You are laden with riches and magical items from shores distant and terrible. And if you wish it, you have at last a chance for peace. The city of splendors hums with renewal. It is spring, and the fires of last autumn are a distant memory. In the months that followed, there was much to do at first. You've helped your patron, Janice Meir, reassert his control over the city's underground.
Starting point is 00:01:18 You've said your goodbyes to this timeline's version of terribly unqualified dragon babies, and they've been sent to a basically, I suppose a kind of fantasy witness protection program where they are narratively unimportant and we're just not going to think too hard about that. Oh. So, the younger version. Janice Meir has sent them away
Starting point is 00:01:38 where Friso cannot hurt them, basically. There's no such place. Already even streaming? Yeah, my dad has started a channel and as the seasons roll on as you reacquaint yourselves to city life you realise that it is good to be home for a while
Starting point is 00:01:56 you see each other daily reminiscing on your adventures and then weekly and then less than weekly as the days and your obligations take hold and soon you realise that it has been months since the dragon friends were last together. For now, at last, you have lives and problems of your own.
Starting point is 00:02:17 So we start, Simon, with you, with Bobby Pancakes, the Halfling Rogue. And what has become of Bobby? Bobby has joined a... Oh, that's very... OK, go on. ..joined a... Not many good sentences that start that way. Let me start again. There is a community...
Starting point is 00:02:37 ..that live down on the beach. You can call them a commune, kind of an ashram. They're dedicated to exploring the spiritual, You can call them a commune, kind of an ashram. They're dedicated to exploring the spiritual, the metaphysical, through different means, science, spirituality, pharmacology. They're looking at big questions and they're looking for answers. Is this a reference to something specific that I don't get? Or is this just a thing that people do sometimes? Well, I think Bobby's... I mean, people do do this.
Starting point is 00:03:09 Oh, my cousin, for instance. People do sometimes go outside, yes. Ugh, disgusting. To the beach? Bobby's the only one of the dragon friends who seems to kind of need to grapple a little bit with what's happened to him. And I think that there's an inherent amount of trauma involved in time travel.
Starting point is 00:03:27 So can you describe what kind of beach community it is? Is it sort of like we listen to a lot of Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals? You know? Or is it like Florida? It's a mixture of... The two types of beach. It's a mixture of a bunch of guys in a shack building a device to travel to another planet. Wonderful. Okay, so why don't we start... But also
Starting point is 00:03:47 a lot of Ultimate Frisbee. Why don't we start in that shack? So somewhere on the beach of Deepwater Harbour, Bobby, you're there with a couple of other members of your community? Yep. Yep. And what are you up to on this fine spring evening? Well, everyone's kind of like
Starting point is 00:04:03 tinkering with sort of like wires and crystals and also taking mushrooms. Okay. And I guess Bobby is just like really, really into it. Just being like, yep, we just got to get in the right mind space, focus these crystals, focus our mind is there
Starting point is 00:04:27 a guru that's leading this is bobby the guru how does this work i'm just trying to i mean yeah i think it's a group that's come together i think there's probably like whatever the equivalent of a fantasy scientist is so i guess like some sort of wizard hello is this what you're imagining well when you said he i knew that's the voice that was gonna happen happen. It's one of two voices I do, Simon. And I love it. It's this or this. Wait. First one, please. Okay. Now, with these crystals that you're trying to focus on,
Starting point is 00:04:54 it's fairly important. Have you... Stop eating those mushrooms. Those are psychedelic. What? How many are you supposed to have? I don't know. Like, one.
Starting point is 00:05:04 See how you go. Maybe take another one. Oh, man. How many are you supposed to have? I don't know, like, one, see how you go, maybe take another one. Oh, man. How many have you had? Seven. Quack, quack. See, the duck said it was fine. I'm a talking duck. You're a talking duck.
Starting point is 00:05:19 And only Bobby can see me, isn't that right, Bobby? Bobby, what are you looking at? Francis. What Francis, what? That's just a bucket. That's the bucket we piss in. What do you think it is? I think it's a talking duck called Francis who has got a real sexy voice.
Starting point is 00:05:40 Come and give me a smooch. Not sexy words, just a sexy voice. Bobby, no! Why are you kissing the bucket? Stop kissing the bucket full of kiss! Your eyes swim... Is this what you wanted, Dave? No, this is...
Starting point is 00:05:53 It's what I want. It's just what's important. Your eyes swim for a second as you ask yourself, not for the first time in the last six months, what it is exactly that you are doing here, what answers you have tried to seek, and as your eyes swim, you suddenly feel what feels like a sharp pain in your chest.
Starting point is 00:06:09 You clutch at your jerkin and you feel something. Wait, I'm jerkin? You clutch. You know what a jerkin is. A jerkin, it's like a shirt. How would I possibly know this? It's a leather shirt and inside it you can feel Why would I be wearing a leather shirt at the beach? You could feel something.
Starting point is 00:06:27 Isn't a jerkin fake pubes? What? That's a merkin. That's a merkin. Sorry. No. A jerkin is like a cucumber you've left in brine for a while. It's very funny every time you hear a rap song.
Starting point is 00:06:42 You're like, I never realised those two words rhyme before. Jerkin' and murkin' is something that I have never heard in any... Honestly, in a lot of the promo material for Dragon Friends, it always says, grab your jerkin', and I'm like, Dave, we should not be putting that on the... Anyway, turns out... Inside your jerkin', you can feel something hard and... Just fucking grow up!
Starting point is 00:07:04 It's been three months all you guys don't know is this is tightly scripted and you pull out a maroon card that you had forgotten until this moment was there and it is embossed with the gilted logo of the Waterdeep post office and it has your name
Starting point is 00:07:22 Bobby and it says something that you had seen this morning and forgotten in all the mushrooms that you've taken that there is a package waiting for you. Guys. You're talking to the duck and the wizard? Francis, wizard. Yes.
Starting point is 00:07:38 I gotta go to the realm of the post office. Far out, dude. That sounds psycho. I'll let you know when I get back, baby. Miss you. And I just stand up and look up to the ceiling of the shack and just go like,
Starting point is 00:07:59 as if I'm about to take off and fly through the ceiling. But I am just standing there. Bobby, Bobby, are you? Oh Oh he's stuck like that. Okay. What do you want to do bucket of piss? I don't know, let's take one of these mushrooms and see what happens. And even as our sort of camera telescopes out and reaches another part of Waterdeep, we fly down to a small... Holy shit, you say camera, is this all... Is this all a film? I mean, I think of it as a film sometimes.
Starting point is 00:08:28 It's a bit cinematic for me. Oh, cool. But imagine that that camera slowly scopes in and discovers, revealing, as it were... I just had a vision of the cameras in the world, but then I just imagined somebody pointing Dave's head at everything. And just nodding, going, yes! My eyes see all. A small house somewhere in the trades quarter.
Starting point is 00:08:46 A house owned, or at least currently occupied, by a half-orc. A half-orc who has travelled far and wide, who has found family, returned to her at last. The half-orc barbarian Filge. And what has become of Filge? Filge is in a relationship. She's living with someone who they are in love. It's not Backnote's dad, is it? No, it's just a regular, water-deep person.
Starting point is 00:09:13 I haven't thought anything about their identity. Can we roll a dice to see what sort of race they are? Four. That's the first thing you think of? That's how you choose your girlfriends here. Yeah, what do you mean? You roll the dice, you find out what... I meant like...
Starting point is 00:09:29 Obviously I meant like one of the ones we can do, like Spanish or Italian. I wasn't going to say Chinese or, you know, Indian or something. Although, Tom, if you want to do the voice, you know. I haven't eaten that bowel bun that you've been offering the other season. Fulish, what is it? Why are you standing over the window looking aside? Come back to bed.
Starting point is 00:09:51 Jermaine, me would. But your two kids are both jumping on my head right now. And me love them. Jermaine's two children, Bango and Ipswich, are both in the room. Of course, they love you. They just want to be close to you. Boys, boys,
Starting point is 00:10:13 come down. We love you, Mama. Don't. Well, just... Little Bango. Just call me Filch. That makes me feel weird. Mama Filch. Filch is fine. Mother Filch. Bango, Ipswich... Ipswich is a very serious young boy. Ipswich, Bango, come down. Put on your three-piece suit and show them the little dance you do for Filch.
Starting point is 00:10:31 This is the tango between brothers. They make this dance for you. I saw them practicing. Oh, well, I'd love to hear the music. Put this rose in my mouth. Brother. And as the too small, I want to say Sorry, was that a lift? That sounded like a lift
Starting point is 00:10:52 Yeah, it was a lift and then a flip I like that Usually you would improvise a song here But this is better if you just hear the dance Yeah, I'm imagining the cameras again We don't need to say anything How many Dave's head do we have on this scene? Is it a high expensive one? Yeah, a
Starting point is 00:11:05 pervert's amount of heads just floating around. Big finish. Now we do a dirty dancing. Lift me. Lift me. Very good. And in the silence, it is impossible to escape the feeling, Filge, that they're waiting for you
Starting point is 00:11:23 to applaud. Mother, what do you think of our beautiful, seductive dance between brothers? It's very hard to do for us because, as you know, our race is a mermaid. That's right. Bingo, Ipswich and Germaine are all mermaids.
Starting point is 00:11:44 They are. They're on little clawed baths with wheels and they're sort of moving around. And Jermaine is like luxurious just in a bucket in the corner of the room on a revolving heart-shaped bed. Is the bucket the leitmotif of the Dragon Prince this season? Yeah, there's going to be a bucket in each of these scenes. Okay, great.
Starting point is 00:12:04 Oh, Jermaine, your boys, they're so, I never knew such sons with such a close connection. You hate this. So, me thinking that maybe you want to
Starting point is 00:12:23 take boys to museum today and we'll just have some filch time. Of course. Of course the boys would love to see the museum. Boys, would you like to learn something today? Oh, I would love to see a dinosaur. I would like to put my hand on one of those balls with lightning in the middle. Oh, wow. It makes me feel alive.
Starting point is 00:12:42 Ipswich is a little bit weird, isn't he? I wonder if it's just hands or if I put other things on the ball. We will find out soon. Boys, boys, get your coats and go. I will see you soon, my love. Okay, take your time. Oh, wait, I forgot. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:12:57 And he reaches into his pants? Yeah. Well, no, not really pants. I think he has like an apron with one pocket. Like an apron with a pocket. Okay. Seductive. There's a letter I found outside for you.
Starting point is 00:13:09 Maybe you read while I'm gone. It's so wet. Doesn't hand, puts it in her mouth. It's a very wet maroon card and it drapes over Filch's chin and sticks to it immediately. And you can see slowly peeling off the gilded logo of the Waterdeep post office. A package has been delivered for you. And you can see, slowly peeling off the gilded logo of the Waterdeep post office, a package has been delivered for you. Okay, well, me gonna have to go to the post office today. And meanwhile, picture if you can, as two very seductive boys
Starting point is 00:13:35 wheel their father's bucket out of the house. As the camera... Mother, please. We have become so attached to you since our mother was killed by that fisherman. And now you're all we have. Just too much plot and backstory. So the camera's moving really fast now. And the camera zooms in on a dark island
Starting point is 00:13:56 where there's rain is pouring down. A fisherman stands. It keeps going and it keeps moving and it keeps moving and it goes back all the way. Will you avenge us, mother? Will you find this fisherman and it's gone the camera's gone
Starting point is 00:14:08 we've moved on I'm going to go to the post office I would and the camera slowly drops and then alights on a wire and it reveals
Starting point is 00:14:17 a beautiful new bakery standing wedged between a hardware store and a tasteful upmarket brothel somewhere in the caravan district. The smell of sawdust in the air.
Starting point is 00:14:31 Sawdust? Yeah, it's in the bread. I mix it with a flour. The great fire of Gabustrav the Dragon is behind us and the city is being revitalised in spring. And you can see that there is a wooden marquee of a high elf in a baker's outfit holding a sign that says, Friso's Bakery, inquire within, there may be bread.
Starting point is 00:14:52 And Friso's inside talking to one of the bakery assistants, and he's like, yeah, look, we had the sign made, and obviously I'm not a high elf anymore, but I just figured that the high elf thing is going to sell a bit more in this market, you know? Yeah. You've got to, like, pretend. Like, it's not like, because I used to be a high elf, you see. Oh.
Starting point is 00:15:11 And so that's why I can put it on the sign. Why aren't you a high elf anymore? It would take about eight seasons to explain. But the important thing is, like, I know nowadays you've got to be culturally sensitive and stuff. I just, I can make those jokes about high elves and stuff because I used to be one. So I can't. No, you're a frog. Only I can say
Starting point is 00:15:30 that. And just also a frog-sized frog on the bar. So when you say an assistant, you mean a frog that lives in the bakery. Talking frog. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ah, someone's here. Let me get it. Flump, flump, flump, flump. Hi there. I was looking for something like...
Starting point is 00:15:46 Oh, sorry. Actually, I should ask first. Do you have bread? Yeah, no. We're working on it. We're working on it. Oh, great, great. Good.
Starting point is 00:15:53 I was actually going to need this in about six to eight months anyway. So that's... Yeah, great. So what's your name, sorry? My name? Yeah. Pemberton Matthews. Pemberton?
Starting point is 00:16:00 Pemberton, P-E. Pemberton. And then Matthews is your first name or last name? First name. Pemberton Matthews has got a hyphen in it. Oh. Wait. Are you Demberton's brother? Are you Demberton P E Pemberton and then Matthews Is your first name or last name? First name Pemberton Matthews Has got a hyphen in it Oh Wait Are you Demberton's brother?
Starting point is 00:16:08 Are you Demberton's brother? Could be And what's your last name? Pemberton Matthews is your first name What's your last name? Bach Bach Pemberton Matthews Bach
Starting point is 00:16:15 I'm looking for like It's like a baguette But with the Sure we could do a baguette No no I'm not done I'm not actually finished Baguette with the Bread of a
Starting point is 00:16:24 Bread of a Croissant You want So what you're after Some ones just come back Oh, we could do a baguette in six, seven months. No, no, I'm not done. I'm not actually finished. Baguette with a bread of a croissant. You want... So what you're after... Someone's just come back from an overseas trip. And they want a spaghetti in it. So, wait, do you want a... Do you want like a croissant that is straight and like...
Starting point is 00:16:37 Absolutely not. I don't want a croissant. I don't. If you show me a croissant, I'm going to freak the fuck out. Okay? So what do you want? I want a baguette with the bread is the material of a croissant. Do you want to just chop a bunch of croissants and then put them in a...
Starting point is 00:16:53 Tell me to just say that. Tell me he's not... I mean, he calls himself a baker, but I haven't seen him bake a single thing. You're actually a baker, man. Are you a baker? You're just fucking with everyone who wants to come in here and get bread, man. I'm not the owner. The owner's Friso.
Starting point is 00:17:12 He's the high elf. I'm just a Chinese man looking to make his way in this world. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. The door opens again. Oh, hello, Friso. Bloody, how you doing? And he walks in a sort of old kind of sort of, I would say, a late 70s wizard in a sort of threadbare black robe with what looks like they were once quite impressive warlock sigils,
Starting point is 00:17:32 but they're all really sort of old and shitty and threadbare. And he's got this big staff and a terrible beard. What's his name? His name is Corbin VI. Corbin VI of the Tower of Blackstaff. Blackstaff, all right. Oh, Corbin, how are you? Oh, bloody hello.
Starting point is 00:17:45 How are you doing, Freezo? Uh, yep. Sorry, he gets confused. This is Freezo. He's my best friend since I moved here six months ago. Took over the Black Tower. Let me tell you, he makes some mighty fine baguette. And get this, the inside is full of croissant.
Starting point is 00:18:01 What? I know you got one, dude. Just the usual. Just give it to me and I'll leave, all right? I told you, come back in six to eight months. I've written your name down in the book and you'll have to come back. Okay. The usual, thanks, Freeze.
Starting point is 00:18:15 No worries. And what is that? The usual is a... Very hot coffee. And a lot of people don't make them hot enough. Very hot coffee. Very hot. Yep.
Starting point is 00:18:24 Okay. And that is... Hazeln enough. Very hot coffee. Very hot. Hazelnut. I want half. You take the little dripper and you put it in and then you put half of a squeeze of hazelnut in and then the rest goes back in the dripper, okay? Okay. And then if there's something you do with the milk, it's not regular milk. No, it's not regular milk, is it?
Starting point is 00:18:42 It's milk that's had a frog in it. That's right. You put the milk in the frog bucket, the frog sits in the bucket for a day, and then that's the milk. Have you got my milk for me, Jeremy? Sorry, can we get a frog milk latte with half a hazelnut, please?
Starting point is 00:18:57 Another frog has to use the espresso machine. He's, like, clambering it up. He's putting his big, sticky, wet hand on it and trying to, like to turn it very slowly. Lily of the Marsh. Wonderful stuff, Freeze. Before I forget, I've got some business in Fay. I was wondering if you could look after me front plants.
Starting point is 00:19:13 You know my front plants? Front plants? My front plants. Not the upstairs plants. The front plants. In the front garden. No, no, no. Those are my garden plants.
Starting point is 00:19:21 Okay. The front plants. Are they the hydrangeas? The hyacinth. The hyacinth. Freeze, pay attention. All right. Okay, sure. Those are my garden plants. Okay. The front plants. Are they the hydrangeas? The hyacinth. The hyacinth. Freeze, pay attention. All right. Okay, sure, I can do that.
Starting point is 00:19:29 Doctor? I mean, wizard? Let me give you a key. Now, whatever you do, make sure you just use this key. Rotate it three times, no more than three times, and don't go upstairs.
Starting point is 00:19:38 I've got a lot of potent, magical defences in the old Blackstaff Tower. All right. Oh, Dave. Oh, Dave. I mean, yes, yes, of course. Why would you call me that?
Starting point is 00:19:45 Who's Dave? Nothing, sorry. What are you talking about? That was him talking. Is he Dave? What are you talking about? Me? I was...
Starting point is 00:19:51 Bread's done. I'll go back to the back now. That's Dave. Thanks, Dave. Thanks, Dave. That guy works for you? Yeah, he's a virgin. Yeah, anyone want to...
Starting point is 00:20:02 He seems like a nice guy. I don't know why you're all so mean to him. He seems like he's doing his best. Yeah, what's up? What's up, guys? I love you guys. Oi, Dave. Yeah?
Starting point is 00:20:14 Had sex with anyone lately? Not lately. You know I haven't. But I'd really like to. Also, can you stop fucking the croissant baguettes, because we're running out to sell people. Absolutely not! Alright, freeze. Freeze, freeze. I've got to
Starting point is 00:20:31 piss off to Faye. Alright, thanks. Here's the key. I'm going to take my frog juice. And I'm going to take this baguette. You know what? If I had a son that was like you, I would know who to give my vast and potent riches to, but I don't. So I guess that's on was like you, I would know who to give my vast and potent riches to, but I don't, so I guess that's on me.
Starting point is 00:20:47 Anyway, goodbye. As he leaves, can Frieza poison his coffee, or is that bad? What? Is that bad? Like, can I curse his coffee? You want to poison the incidental character's coffee? Well, I just think if he dies, I go to that stuff. But isn't he also going away?
Starting point is 00:21:03 Do you need to kill him? Make for me a stealth check. What an unnecessary question, Alex. Don't! Guys, I'm trying to drive the plot forward. Oh, okay, all right. Pretty boring up until now. Look at that, that's 18 plus one day plus stealth.
Starting point is 00:21:17 That's three. All right, I got my frog juice once again. And he picks it up and he's about to sip it and he turns, he looks and he goes, like I said, you're like a son to me and when I get back, I want to have a conversation about my inheritance. And then I've got a will and I think I'm going to change it,
Starting point is 00:21:30 but I can't do it until I get back because my lawyer, it's a big fucking hoo-ha, and he drinks the coffee and he's like, so we'll talk in about two weeks. I love you. Can I say that? Is it weird? I know you're not my son yet, but I love you. I fucking love you, Friso, because you never let me down. And Dave, there is too much backstory in this scene
Starting point is 00:21:46 and we simply must cut away. And we do! But the camera is already spiralling, spiralling out. And as it's spiralling out, it catches a postman heading towards with a little red card in his pocket, doubtless to give to Friso some sort of package from the Waterdeep Post Office Society, which is a weird name for a post office,
Starting point is 00:22:03 but that's what I said. And moving into the castle ward, the richest side of town, right up high and near the mountain that forms the summit to the north of the city, we see a market square. And in the center of that market square, someone has taken pains to erect a small stage. And standing on that stage is a turtle dressed in the old Ushanka hat of an old Barovian war hero doubtless died centuries ago, a time traveller. Someone who should not be in this town, or indeed this time,
Starting point is 00:22:32 but has found his way here, has been abandoned by his new friends to a new career. And what is that new career? He's a holograph influencer. He's a what? He's an influencer. No, that's not what you said. Yeah, so holograph is like, you put holographs
Starting point is 00:22:48 up and people can check other people's holographs. Oh, sure. Is this a fantasy concept? Yeah, I don't know. Fuck. Okay, what's the better fantasy one? Like a... Ghost? Yeah, ghost. Alright. He's a ghost influencer. He's a medium. We call them ghost
Starting point is 00:23:03 influencers. Yeah. You put up a ghost. Yeah. The ghost tells you about ghost influencers Yeah You put up a ghost Yeah The ghost tells you about a product You put up a ghost So what happens is You do this spell You prick your finger
Starting point is 00:23:11 And it creates another version of you And you do your video or whatever You do your dance Or you whip it and your nay nay And it kills that version of you The second version And that's a ghost That replays over and over again
Starting point is 00:23:22 So it's the prestige It's the prestige But it's TikTok the prestige. And how has he got... Sorry, they kill them every time they need to make a video. Yeah, so it's basically if every video is a dead soul version. Tom, sorry, just before we go, can I ask, are you okay? Like, how's Tom going?
Starting point is 00:23:35 Is Tom Carty okay? I just want to play Dungeons & Dragons with my new friends. Old friends. I don't know... Because it just feels like, you know, in the last couple of years, obviously you've become quite big on TikTok and you've had to do a lot of, like, you know, content machine stuff or you've had to put out a lot of stuff, a lot, you know, to albums.
Starting point is 00:23:53 Just churning crap out. Churning stuff out. And it just feels like now, when we're kind of making a fun world for us all to live in right now, you've invented some sort of social media in the sort of mystical ages of Facebook. Well, I wonder if he is having some dilemmas about this because I think Logan's talking to his agent.
Starting point is 00:24:09 See, there you go. Don't have an agent. So, in many ways, Logan is kicking goals in his career that Tom can only dream of. Do you feel like a part of you dies every time you put up a TikTok? That's what I was getting at. Sorry, that's what we're getting at, right? That's what I was getting at. That's what I was getting at. Thank you, Alex. This could be a good Black Mirror episode.
Starting point is 00:24:28 I don't know why I'm wasting this incredible backstory on you guys. Loki baby. Hi, Marissa. I need you to stop having these ethical dilemmas about the ghost versions of yourself dying. Your last ghost, ghostie, is that what they're called? Thank you. I don't know, I'm 55. And yet you're the best at this.
Starting point is 00:24:48 I told you I wanted you to get into show business. Not what I meant, but, you know, I'm cool, I'm rolling with it. Your last ghostie got viewed by 700 people. I know, I just... And this thing he's going to do, it's going to help us sell carts, is it? Because I've rented out this stage in the market and it's costinged me a pretty penny. I just don't want to do
Starting point is 00:25:07 I just don't want to do, you know, ghosties with products in them. Well, these carts won't sell themselves, so if your friend here I'm literally killing myself every time I do a ghostie with a cart or a shoe. It's a good sponsor, this cart. Come on, you've got to have a
Starting point is 00:25:23 funny little song about a cart we're also we're also selling buckets too could you wear the bucket can i just yeah and i've got actually yeah you can wear if you can wear the bucket and also can you mention just casually uh that you'd like to eat at friso's bakery i'm not i'm not saying a great sponsor marissa i don't i don't want to be here okay i don't want to be here, okay? I don't want to be with these people. I don't like, it makes me uncomfortable and I'd rather just be at home, you know, not killing
Starting point is 00:25:51 myself over and over. Oh, we'd all love to be at home, not killing ourselves, but it's called making a living. Plus, you live with me. Yeah. And actually, there's a few things I've got to say say I feel like the rent split that we've got Is not
Starting point is 00:26:06 Is not really fair Because I'm five times your size And I live in a broom closet Yet I Pay five times the rent So Marissa
Starting point is 00:26:16 Yes Hey sorry I've got your frog latte here From Fritz's Bakery That you wanted Got it And Sorry Logan
Starting point is 00:26:22 I forgot what you wanted What was your order? Anything I haven't eaten for two days I haven't eaten for two days I I have a it. Got it. And sorry Logan, I forgot what you wanted. What was your order? Anything. Haven't eaten for two days. I have a baguette, but it's got a weird hole in the back. Sounds yum.
Starting point is 00:26:35 I think they put custard in it. Maybe, I don't know. That's fine. Would you like me to bite it while looking at you right now? Was that your intention? You want me to eat it? I mean, if you'd like to. It's just a... I think it's like some sort of baguette. It's croissant-y.
Starting point is 00:26:48 Hey, mister. And there's a little street urchin. He's like, you Logan the Oge? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am, actually. I've got paid a shiny copper piece to deliver this for you. He hands you a little maroon card.
Starting point is 00:26:57 Great. There's a package delivered, but it was from the post office, and they said you've got to come right now. You've got to drop whatever you're doing, throw away whatever burgeoning career you have and come and get this package yep dave were we fucking around too much so you just sent an orphan to do the job i've got orphans all over the city mate and they are going to get you to the fucking plot if they have to die doing it my little birds
Starting point is 00:27:19 by the way i'm a mouse oh yeah and i'm her assistant and i'm a mouse. Oh. Yeah. And I'm her assistant and I'm a cat. So it's different in fantasy. And I'm a boyfriend and I'm a human man. And that's fine. It's fine. All right, Melissa. It's fine.
Starting point is 00:27:37 Whatever. I've got enough ghosts for the next year. Here you go. Just take them. Do them whenever you want. I'm out. Because whatever's going on here is a hell of a lot better than you stupid cat and mouse bullshit. I don't like working for you.
Starting point is 00:27:53 Hey, that's my girlfriend. Hey, fuck you, man, okay? I don't bring my... And her assistant, me. I said you before, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and we're all in a polycule, and you judging us in our house
Starting point is 00:28:06 makes us feel weird. Well, I just feel it's probably best if you go. I said I was leaving. Don't make this don't be in the position of power.
Starting point is 00:28:14 But it's time you realise that they're all looking at you and it's probably time for you to go. We're going to have sex now.
Starting point is 00:28:20 And I'm going to drink the milk you left in the fridge. Oh, bye. Give us our ring back that we gave you. As Logan the Huge leaves the square, we wait for the camera to spin up again, but it doesn't. Instead, it follows him.
Starting point is 00:28:36 And it follows him as he walks out of the castle ward, past the market squares and down to the eastern side of the city where the water-deep post office is, where fate has come a-calling for four that have not seen each other for months now, four that once travelled together for adventures and perhaps may travel together again, and four who for the first time in their adventures
Starting point is 00:28:57 have achieved the giddy heights of Level 10. Congratulations. Because you all level up. And can I say that as a Dungeon Master, I have never played D&D at this level or Dungeon Master D&D at this level. So I'm very excited to see you. You've never been to level 10 before? No, I've never been to level 10.
Starting point is 00:29:20 You do get 75 hit points. Oh, my God. I got 30 feet walking speed. That's right. Oh, shit. 95. So you got new spells. I'm 30 feet walking speed. That's right. Oh shit, 95. So you got new spells. I'm going to throw myself off a cliff just to see what happens. You can summon the...
Starting point is 00:29:29 Yeah, so very, very quickly, like Logan can summon the trees to fight for him now. You have the wisdom and power of the forests themselves. Bobby Pancakes, you have your second level of bard. You are a jack of all trades. All skills are known to you. Filch, you have reached level 10. You now have not only your savage criticals, but your intimidating presence,
Starting point is 00:29:48 which means that you can scare people just by being there. Freezo, you did your own levelling up, as I understand. Yes, I did, Dave. I googled warlock tier list. And I've got some fifth level spells that I'm very interested to use. Okay, well, we'll see how that goes. I've got something called enervation, and I think it's
Starting point is 00:30:08 kind of weird tentacles that really fuck shit up. Okay, alright. Did you type in, like, Apple finds tentacles, and then just find any spell that had tentacles in it on the site? Um, yeah, no, I reverse image searched me looking happy, and this is what came up. Hey, I don't
Starting point is 00:30:24 have any new spells! No, I don't have any new spells. No, you don't have. You're a barbarian. You're a barbarian. What do you want? You have eight intelligence. I think it's remarkable that you have three spells. That's too many spells for a barbarian.
Starting point is 00:30:39 Give her a new spell, Dave. Well, I just, I'm going to. Do you want a new spell? What if I give up Mindless Rage or something If you give up Mindless Rage You can have another Level 1 spell No Dave
Starting point is 00:30:48 Give her a dip in the bag What? Dip in the bag No no No You've wasted enough time We only No don't do that
Starting point is 00:30:56 No no People are chanting Dip in the bag Dip in the bag No no Just form a Just form a random spell I will
Starting point is 00:31:03 I will at some point In the next two episodes I will give some point in the next two episodes, I will give you a dip in the bag, but you're going to lose. Imagine if that chanting had turned into a Disney-style song. But you're going to lose. Prove critical, did you say? Something. I haven't read them yet.
Starting point is 00:31:17 I'll choose one which looks the hardest and I'll turf that one. Give up your walking speed. Yeah. Turf that one. You give up your walking speed. Yes. That's a good D&D joke. She sat down and never got up again.
Starting point is 00:31:40 Just scary from afar. We could carry her around in a palanquin, you know? Yeah. What about that for a D&D show where everyone has one of the basic things, but everyone has a different absolute lack of one very, very basic thing, but they're maxed out in something else? So you have all the spells in the game, but no hit points. Yeah, absolutely. Glass cannon.
Starting point is 00:31:56 That's what we call a free zone. All right, you make your way to the Waterdeep post office, an old, beautiful stone colonnade building in the caravan district. One that you had no reason to be to, for you do not know that many people in this timeline. Who would send mail to adventurers such as you? And as the four of you arrive at the post office, you see each other for the first time, sheepishly almost, because it has been so long, the relationship has been so neglected, but you are all now gathering outside the post offices.
Starting point is 00:32:29 Friso, you are the last to arrive. Oh, hey, guys. Bobby. I want to say Tornel. It's Logan. Logan? It's just my race, so it's kind of like this. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:32:41 Oh, white? Bobby, white. Spanish? Italian? I want to say Filge. Oh, Filge, how's it going? Oh, no. Oh, white? Bobby, white. Spanish? Italian? I want to see. I want to see. Filge. Oh, Filge, how's it going? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:49 How are things going with Jermaine? Oh. And those boys? Yeah, they are sensual young lads. Yeah, man. We meant to come by for that coffee like you suggested. But it's been crazy at home. The bakery's going so well.
Starting point is 00:33:07 Is it? Yeah. I've got a dad now. Well, for the next 18 minutes, I've got a dad. Okay. Yeah, well, I got two sons. I got responsibilities. And you seem happy about this?
Starting point is 00:33:20 Yeah. No, it's so good just to be normal and just have a nice, happy life. Nothing happens. Yeah, same with me. I've got a friend called Francis. Totally normal. Why are your eyes so big, dude? Why is your head so long and small at the same time?
Starting point is 00:33:36 Why? Yeah, I meant to say, is that lots of shells in the beard that you've now grown? Dude, are you vibrating? Look, whoever said those colours to me right now, better repeat themselves because I didn't understand them. I think you should take a Valium and drink a large glass of orange juice.
Starting point is 00:33:56 That's a joke for people who've had a bad... Hello! And there's a... Is that another orphan day? This is what looks like an Asimov lady in a blue uniform, blonde hair, high-peaked collar and the brass medallion and embroidery of the Waterdabian post office service. That music stand is talking to us.
Starting point is 00:34:21 Sorry, you're sort of blocking the traffic here. Do you have any business with the post office? I'm going to pick up a parcel, please. Yeah, me too. Me too. I got one as well. Oh, can I see the cards? Here you go. Oh, interesting. Oh, yes. No, I will. Well, this is interesting. We do. I was home when they delivered that. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:34:40 Okay. And they just left the card, but they could have just delivered the you know what I mean? It's kind of annoying. Like, I didn't hear them knock, and I just left it and then bailed. Well, you seem to have found your way... I'm sorry, are you making a complaint? Yeah, do you want to make a complaint? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:55 Let's make a complaint. This literally happened to me yesterday, and I picked up the phone, I found the number to complain, and I called it, and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Now you can do it in Fantasyland. I get out number to complain. I called it and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Now you can do it in Fantasyland. I get out my chainsaw. Well, of course, you're welcome to make a complaint.
Starting point is 00:35:16 But in order to sort of process it, I still have to discharge your post. We do have a package here for someone called, I think it's the Dragoon, the Dragoonfram. That's us, the Dragoonfram. No, wait That's us The Dragoon Fram No wait Hang on no no That's Dragon Friends Dragon Friends Yes But you're the Dragoon Fram
Starting point is 00:35:30 So I'm going to wait for them Because you wouldn't want to Like commit fraud On the postal service Is there a group Of four people Over there This is fucked
Starting point is 00:35:38 I know Sorry Now I've gotten confused Are you the Dragon Friends Or aren't you My name's Friso And that box over there that has Friso, Bobby, Vilch, and I want to say Tortal written on it. It just says dragon friends.
Starting point is 00:35:52 Yeah, that's us, that's us. Okay, great. I mean, are we? And so the doors open, and the four of you walk in, and you can see what looks like a cardboard box that says to the dragon friends, And someone has punched holes all around the side of it. And you can see, you can hear what seems like breathing coming from inside. It's a big, big cardboard box.
Starting point is 00:36:16 It's Bastogne! So, you know, this is it. One pony. One pony for the Dragon Friends. It's not a pony, actually. It's a horse. Oh, it's, this is it. One pony. One pony for the dragon friends. It's not a pony, actually. It's a horse. Oh, it's a horse, yeah. Oh, it's a beautiful horse, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:30 Chestnut Derbyshire. Horsie three horse. I mean, we haven't... Are we still the dragon friends? If you sign for it, I can give it to you. Bobby just starts ripping the cardboard open. If you sign for it, I can give it to you. Bobby just starts ripping the cardboard open.
Starting point is 00:36:50 You see the beautiful eyes looking back at you of the most beautiful horse you've ever seen. Oh, my God. Horse! It looks at you and it neighs and then it inclines its head gently so that its nose is touching the side, asking you to give it a pat. Dave, I'm going to cast a new spell that I have. Okay. It's talk with animals. Oh, yeah. Great. Yeah, you It's talk with animals. Oh, yeah. Great.
Starting point is 00:37:06 Yeah, you can cast talk with animals. Yeah. Great. All right. Well, all right. I guess the horse. Yeah, you can talk to the horse if you want. Hey, where are your new dads?
Starting point is 00:37:16 And the horse presses its forehead against you and whispers, run. Hang on. Fraser also has beast speech. Frieza's going to be like, wait, what'd you say? Run. From what? Bobby's eyes get even wider. And he pushes away everyone and just runs away. And you try to and you run at the door and you open it.
Starting point is 00:37:40 You slam it open. But instead of the streets, you can see nothing spinning out except empty, chromatic colour and darkness and light. It seems that what was once the post office is now spinning in a sort of pocket dimension. Guys, I've been here before. I know which way to go. And meanwhile, the figure of the postal attendant goes, You know, it's just so funny because you're the dragon friends now, and I understand that. I realise that. And you came here because there was a present waiting for you.
Starting point is 00:38:08 And it seems idiotic. It seems so simple to me that you would fall for this. And yet, I suppose that there are two types of people. There are those that follow. There are those that lead. There are those that say hail to the powers that be. Well, that's three types. And then she takes her hand and she unfastens something.
Starting point is 00:38:30 Oh, fucking hell, Dave! And brilliant bright white light comes as her face swings away as she says, and there are those that hail to no one. And you can see instead of an Asimar, there is a tiefling. Powerful red skin, a black god paladin, rider of doom, follower chosen of no one. The paladin Bethany Smiles, who once swore an oath to kill the dragon friends and has hunted you down at last. And to play Bethany Smiles, she's already at the stage. Make some noise for Alex Lee.
Starting point is 00:39:03 So, awesome sauce. You're the dragon friends. So Awesome sauce You're the dragon friends If you don't know what's going on Refer to our Beef Babes Twitch stream Don't worry It'll be explained Okay Hi
Starting point is 00:39:17 So just before I give you this horse I just have one little question How would you like to die? And that is genuine. I will kill you whichever way you request. I know you've thought about it, Friso. I have.
Starting point is 00:39:35 I want to be suffocated. You know what? It doesn't matter. I don't need to tell you right now. Bethany, hey, it's so good to see you. Just so you know, I found Bobby so you can kill him. Oh, I just... But I'm not really part of their thing anymore. Remember, because I joined the Beef Babes, so it's different now.
Starting point is 00:39:52 Yeah, but I still have to kill the dragon friends and... That's not me, that's just Bobby. Yeah. I have a duck. Okay. We're a new gang, we're called the Duck Friends. It's just two of us. If I'm honest, that duck smells a lot. Okay. We're a new gang. We're called the Duck Friends. It's just two of us. If I'm honest,
Starting point is 00:40:08 that duck smells a lot like urine. Look, could you just drink this and she gives him some orange juice so he sobers up. All right, okay. So you sober up. Congratulations. Don't trust her.
Starting point is 00:40:19 I'm not going to drink it. I don't trust her. Fair enough. She just said she was going to kill me. I don't trust her. Fair enough. She just said she was going to kill me. Why would I imbibe something she hands me? Because I'm not going to kill you with orange juice. What are you going to kill me with? Shall we hold him down?
Starting point is 00:40:35 We hold down Bobby. We hold down Bobby and make him drink the juice. Well, Bethany takes a look at you and if you're going to remain helpless and poisoned and incapable of defending yourself, she draws her infernal longsword, the Holy the holy defender one that she found in Elysium and it glows with an infernal flame as her armor smokes itself and she looks at you I turn I get my moonsword and I turn myself into a werewolf and be like I'm not Bobby you can't turn yourself into a werewolf
Starting point is 00:40:58 because you can't see oh the moon but you're only trying to use your luck blade I'm using my moonsword yeah well the moment that you try and draw your blade, she sees you, she turns, she points at you, and she says, drop. And the spell is command, the paladin spell command. I need you to make for me very, very quickly a wisdom saving throw. That's a natural 20, David. He's high, but he's smart.
Starting point is 00:41:24 You know what? I'm back on the dragon's friends team. Great. You can act first if you want. You have a moment to react. I'm going to draw my moon torched sword, and I'm going to transform into a werewolf. You start transforming into a werewolf. You turn to power. You can still act as well if you want.
Starting point is 00:41:37 That's a bonus action. Is she holding a sword? She's holding a sword in front of you, but you have the drop on her. I'm going to, with the sword in my hands, try and knock it out of her hands. All right, you try and knock the sword out of her hands, make an opposed strength check for me. I'll run her for combat if you're okay, Alex. You've got filled.
Starting point is 00:41:53 That's an 18 from Bobby. All right, 19, which she gets a... Oh, wait a second, I'm a werewolf now, so... I get... Okay. Yep. Cool. I'd already done it. When you do it like that, I just think you... Okay. Yep. Cool. I'd already done it.
Starting point is 00:42:07 When you do it like that, I just think you can't do maths. I can't do maths. We all... Why did we stop... Why did we stop the show to remind me that I can't do maths? All right, you rolled a 19. That's good enough. So, Bethany's sword goes wild, and beside it, she screams in pain and outrage as she starts to chant,
Starting point is 00:42:25 as she casts the spell. Spirit guardians as figures start to whip around. The air around you spins into dust and you can see cackling figures of demons, demonic figures, the riders of doom, her consort, her screaming angels from hell riding on their powerful infernal machines as they whip into the space all around. And I need all of you now to make wisdom saves again. Anybody that fails... Is this against being frightened?
Starting point is 00:42:51 No, this is to stop getting psychic damage. Failed. Ooh, 11. You think that's a wisdom, was it? Yep. That is a 15. All right, so anybody that succeeds takes seven hit points of damage.
Starting point is 00:43:01 The others take 14 points of psychic damage. But the next one up is you, Logan. Oh, okay. Can I just... I just want to say first, you know, I know you've probably been told that there's four people that you've got to kill. But, you know, I've just...
Starting point is 00:43:15 I'm recently here. There's supposed to be like a very handsome person that you should be killing. You're handsome. All right, I'll die for that. That's fair. That was great. Do you see what she said?
Starting point is 00:43:27 Classic influencer. Okay? Classic influencer. Okay. Classic influencer. So you know how at that product thing, there was like that big, they were going to release that cage of like big bears and shit. I turned into one because I've seen it and I turned into a wild shaped big old bear.
Starting point is 00:43:41 All right, great. You make an attack. Yeah, sure. I'm on the track plus seven, which means that you rolled, which is nine. All right, great. You make an attack. Yeah, sure. You have an unstruck plus seven, which means that you rolled, which is a nine, and she looks forward to you,
Starting point is 00:43:49 pityingly almost, as you turn into a giant bear and then sort of scratch the ground just in front of you, get confused, embarrassed, fall over, and basically do nothing. The next one up is Friso. Now, my memory of Bethany is that she's a paladin,
Starting point is 00:44:00 so she doesn't have good dexterity. Okay, if you think so. Cast innovation. A tendril of inky darkness reaches out from you, touching a creature you can see, which is Where did the tendril come out of? Bethany. Mouth? Yeah! And I'm like, booo!
Starting point is 00:44:16 So you've got to make a dexterity saving throw DC 17. Yep. Alright, so DC 17, which she does rolls a 16. Oh, no, yeah, 16. That's not enough. Does it? Okay, so she takes 4d8 damage. Alright. And until the spell ends, you can
Starting point is 00:44:32 use your action to do another 4d8 damage every turn. Yes, great. So that's 11 plus 2 plus 2. It's 15 damage this turn. 15 points of damage. She screams in pain, shock, and it has to be said, surprise, as her one-time ally, Friso, attacks her. What the heck, Friso? Damn, and I regain
Starting point is 00:44:47 hit points equal to half the amount that I did to Croak Damage. Fuck yeah, this is about rules. This is what you say to your one-time comrade as you attack her? But he's got a big thing coming out of his mouth, so he just Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Bethany
Starting point is 00:45:03 spins around furious at you, as she very quickly starts to chant, and she draws the long sword again. She casts Blinding Smite and attacks you, Friso, identifying what she once thought was her ally and now realises it is her enemy. She attacks you.
Starting point is 00:45:22 Bonus 3d8. This is two. Okay, yep, great. What's her attack? She rolls with the longsword plus 10. That becomes 19. Oh, that hits. That hits.
Starting point is 00:45:33 Oh, boy, that hits. All right, with 3d8 radiant damage as well. And, God, level 10. There's a lot of dice rolling. All right, we get to 14 points of radiant damage, which is infernal damage converted to infernal damage, as well as... So that makes me on 49. No, no, no, no, there's more.
Starting point is 00:45:48 She's also got, the Holy Avenger itself deals another 12 points of damage. That's, and then because it's a versatile... I'm not meant to be attacked! ...two-handed weapon. There's slashing damage as well. Let's not forget the slashing damage, which is... Oh, do you reckon she would have cast Hunter's Mark on you before? Probably not, because she was
Starting point is 00:46:06 dealing with these two. Alright, fair enough, fair enough. In which case, no. So you take 32 points of damage. Three! Alright. And you are blinded. She spins around using a bonus action. She casts Misty Step and she teleports up high onto the balcony
Starting point is 00:46:26 surrounding the postal office where the service workers would once sit, sorting their mail as she taunts the four of you. Filge has just been copying it, has she? What's Filge doing? I want to do... Can I intimidate her? I want to have a go of intimidating presence. Alex is going to fight herself. Yeah, you're right. You've got an action.
Starting point is 00:46:45 This on International Women's Day. They should be supporting each other. I will let you. You're right. I've missed you. So I will let you have an action now before. She's already damaged Friso, but you can have one action because you are caught flat-footed.
Starting point is 00:46:58 What is it? Intimidating presence. Okay. So this is a charisma against a paladin. She has to make a charisma save. And a wisdom saving throw. Oh, well, Bethany is not that wise. So, unfortunately, though, however, for you, or good for you, really,
Starting point is 00:47:14 it depends how you feel. These are honestly both your characters. She has plus seven, so it's 23, which means I think that she has seen the eyes of devils and heroes. She has fraternised with the god-king himself in Elysian, those blessed fields. She has travelled through Mahadi's infernal raptures. She has travelled
Starting point is 00:47:31 through three circles of hell, back and forward through crime itself and consorted with the council of nine. And she is not that scared of Filch, a conflicted barbarian with two sons, step-sons with very, very wet mouths.
Starting point is 00:47:50 And wet tail. So Bethany's risen above them. So she's pretty much got them, right? She's standing up high from the misty steppe, and as she does that, she twists, removes the back of her costume, and her wings of flight unfold majestically behind her the sword at her side as she looks down at the dragon friends so you dragon friends i just want you to know it's not personal it's just i entered into an infernal contract with a devil to save a friend and i know
Starting point is 00:48:22 that you guys aren't really friends and you probably don't know what that's like. Because the way Friso talked about it, you were more colleagues. But in our adventuring party... Choking on a tentacle that's just wildly flapping around. I don't expect you to understand, but I had a friend and his name was Bushu. And I had to bring him back to life.
Starting point is 00:48:47 And the only way I could do that was to kill you, the dragon friends. So I just want you to know, as you die here today, that you're doing it for friendship. And as she does, the figures of her spirit guardians all assemble around her.
Starting point is 00:49:01 You can see these devils grinning down at you and their infernal machines. You realise you are surrounded. So, as I said, how would you like to die? Bobby? Friso?
Starting point is 00:49:13 Baston? It's time. What about Filch? Oh, and Filch. Sorry, I forgot about you. Not a very memorable character. Bobby, Friso, Baston, Filch, sorry, I forgot about you. Not a very memorable character. Bobby Frizzo, Bastogne, Filch. Who wants to die first?
Starting point is 00:49:30 I'm not just... If I'm going to die, I want my name written right on the ghosty or whatever. My name's Logan. You want to live stream your own death? I have many times before, my friend. My name's Logan. It's not Bastogne, I'm Logan. And I'm handsome. You already said that, so friend. My name's Logan. It's not Bastogne.
Starting point is 00:49:45 I'm Logan, and I'm handsome. You already said that, so you can't take it away. She falters for a second, and for the first time, all of the spirits around her look uncertain. So technically, this is a new group. The Dru-gon Frans? No, I met the Dru-gon friends on my way here, and they suck. Okay, well, that's like...
Starting point is 00:50:04 I've been following the dragon friends for a long time, like through time and space and like hell and stuff. So it would be really cool if this would not go wrong for me right now. I just feel like... I said all that cool stuff and I thought about it. And so you're not Baston? No, I'm not. No, that's Tortal.
Starting point is 00:50:26 It's not Tortal. We're going to have a serious talk after. I really feel like we're going to have to have a chat later about... It's really insensitive, Friso. Sorry, Tiefling. I'm just Logan. I'm not... Well, this is no good, Mistress Bethany.
Starting point is 00:50:44 I mean, if they're not their dragon friends, we're in some serious shit. You know that, right? Your assistant's a cat. There's a little guy in a little suit who's looking at her. A little cat in a suit? No, no, no, he's not a cat. He's the same cat.
Starting point is 00:50:55 He's a little goblin. He's a little goblin in a suit. But he's wearing cat ears, Dave? No. Why is he in cat ears? Is he in a cat costume with his nose coloured in black with whiskers drawn on his face? Oh, that's so cute.
Starting point is 00:51:04 No, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bethany. It's just... Are you going to a Halloween party later? You told me that... Oh, for God's sake. And he pulls off his cat mask, I suppose. It's not a cat at all. That's a goblin.
Starting point is 00:51:18 It is a goblin. A goblin that you recognise. A goblin lawyer that has worked for you once before. What the hell, Gribbets? Look, I'm sorry. Hello, guys, by the way. Hey, Gribbs. Looking great.
Starting point is 00:51:31 Never fun for a lawyer to meet old clients on the other side. I was sure we killed you. Yeah, you would think that because it was very painful. But actually, when you die and you die doing bad things for bad people you go to hell so I was in hell and that was torture for a long time and then I met my new client Bethany Smiles and he's holding a big tome a sort of metal contract and I've been working with her to break this or actually to discharge the terms of this contract which say that all of you should die. And she was saying
Starting point is 00:52:07 how will we find the dragon friends? And I said just give them a horse or some shit because they love basically Pat. Useless, useless Pat. Didn't the horse work? Wasn't the horse a good idea? I mean the horse worked, Gribbets, but you told me these were the dragon friends and this is like just some handsome
Starting point is 00:52:24 turtle. I'm really, I'm down If I die now, it's fine Well, I mean, this doesn't need to be a problem You just, you, you, I suppose you just No one likes to say torture But you talk them into telling you where Baston is You kill them You kill Baston
Starting point is 00:52:37 And the curse is lifted Do you want to know where Baston is? Because we know, don't we, Bobby? Well, there you go, it's already working We know where Baston is Great The mists of time Baston What? because we know, don't we, Bobby? Well, there you go. It's already working. We know where Baston is. Great. The mists of time. Baston.
Starting point is 00:52:47 What? The mists of time. He's in the red level, the red pink level of the mists of time. I was going to lie and send her on a quest to heaven so she'd get killed, but what did you say? The red pink level in time where, like, you can taste air and hear songs
Starting point is 00:53:08 like normal. Oh, sorry. Sorry, is he extremely high? Yeah, he took a lot of mushrooms later, I think. And he refuses to drink the orange juice. It could be poison. He won't drink the orange juice, but he keeps lapping out of that bucket of piss.
Starting point is 00:53:24 This is my friend who I'm kissing. She's a duck. So, wait, are you telling me if these aren't the dragon friends, Grubits, can I not break... I mean, this curse has been following me around for years. Five years, I know. I mean, I've got the curse. I translated the curse for you.
Starting point is 00:53:42 And by the way, I think I did a bloody good job, if I do say so myself. Absolutely, absolutely earning my retainer. And, you know, we can also work out if there's a bonus to be seen. Because, you know, I think I did this very quickly and under difficult circumstances. But it says here, the foresworn promise to kill the ones known as the dragon friends, to hunt them down and not rest until they are dead and buried, not just this world but any other world, in return for the one called Bushu, whose body currently lies in the room in front of Bethany Smiles and Kit Gingerson,
Starting point is 00:54:06 who will be returned to life, normal style, not little, tiny, but like the big version of him, not a zombie, restored to full health instantly, this pact to be discharged within a period of no more than five years in the name of the Archdevil, the Veiled Lady of Torment, who lies in wait in the gardens of dreams and nightmare, Listeria Obstrix. You made a deal with Lysteria Obstrix and if those five years end, then you and Kit are going to die. And I mean, by my count, if the dragon friends aren't here,
Starting point is 00:54:34 we've got a problem in about a month's time. Grimmins. Yes. Can I ask you a serious question? Of course. What is she paying you? We'll halve it. And picture, if you will, a small pathetic goblin. A goblin who has had a rough time of it. A goblin who found himself against his wishes to be embroiled in a ten year ten season... Hey, can I ask you a serious question?
Starting point is 00:54:57 Can I pat you? Dungeons and Dragons campaign. A goblin that, if I am honest, does not deserve this. A goblin that is trying his best. A goblin that wanted nothing am honest does not deserve this. A goblin that is trying his best. A goblin that wanted nothing more than to do his job and to try and make a show with his friends and just do the game the way it's supposed to be written.
Starting point is 00:55:15 But a goblin who instead, because his friends are monsters, has found himself trapped in a hell unending. A hell that has seen him go all the way from the edges of the nine-eyed world and return to find himself working for Bethany Smiles, the blackout paladin, and now finding himself unable to rescue her
Starting point is 00:55:32 from the fate that is promised because if the dragon friends cannot die, if Baston is not here, if justice cannot be meted, then what shall become of those fearsome adventurers that time and justice called the Beef Babes to find out. Tune in to this season of Dragon Friends.
Starting point is 00:55:50 Thank you. The cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Cardy. Our Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins and live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer.
Starting point is 00:56:08 The podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest. And new episodes are recorded live in the Vanguard in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Yoram Nation. Until next time. There's Napoleonic soldiers, four of them on horses, the Dragoon. Oh, goodness. Well, this is new. If you're listening to the podcast, I think the fire alarm has gone off.
Starting point is 00:56:41 It looks like someone is attending to it at the back. Yeah. But, like, we all feel pretty safe right yeah but do you guys do you do you guys need us to to do anything i'm not listening to a robot i'm not going to do what a robot wants me to do i mean we're in the room and there's no it's fine yeah oh it's gonna turn the alarm off oh right nick i gotta say you stopped bang on It's a bit suspicious. Wait, Nick. I thought it was a voice of authority saying it's fine.
Starting point is 00:57:08 Was it just you? No, it's me. It's fine, guys. Don't worry. Nothing to worry about. Just have a nice dinner, have a nice drink, and we'll pass off behind. It's fine, Tony.
Starting point is 00:57:17 Nick does all the music for their show, but also he's the fire marshal. If I could just put the fire marshal cap on for one moment and say it's fine. At this point, we should say we have locked the doors. Anyway, Dave, shall we? Yeah, the dragoon fram gets sort of angry. No, my nose. Are we going to go back in? We're going to go back in. Hugh, Hugh,
Starting point is 00:57:35 I'm sorry. Good luck. Keep it in. It's spicy. I like it.

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