Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.14. McGuffins of the Season with Concetta Caristo

Episode Date: September 22, 2024

Where the Heroes of Yearth expected danger, they instead found a house of pleasure. But does a hidden danger hide underneath the slippery surroundings? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Alright, is everyone back? We're all back? Kachetta, how are you doing? Are you having fun? Do you think you're gonna go play Dungeons & Dragons with your friends after this? No, never. will become the heroes of yore In the depths of the forest, the heart of the ironwood A garden of unearthly delights such as our heroes have never seen unfolds, debauchery upon debauchery, filthy little

thing on filthy little thing, they're doing it, two little filthy things are on each other, unfolds in the clearing, such as charion, dinner, poly, Polly, Sunbelt, and their lasagna chef turned warrior friend, Stefania Germannotta have never seen. And as they walk into the clearing, there's like a bell, the bell for like, for interval, right? And like the shows about stuff,

and all the people stop fucking, they're like, whew! Yeah, they, they close their... right? And like the shows about stuff and all the people stop fucking they're like Do they do they clean themselves up or do they just go in sloppy? They clean it up. There's all Fuckin' sloppy Go in sloppy, that's my motto There's little mate, there's little pixie mages flying around casting the wet wipe spell Do they have to put like towels down on the seat?

Wait, so they were fucking the interval? So at the end of the first half, someone was like, okay, go to the bar, have a quick fuck, and we'll see you at 10. There was, and as they go back in, there's like a hand sanitizer thing. There's also a big like toilet roll, but it just has pants on it that people can.

Yeah. And there's always people doing a couple pumps and they're like, ah, that's lube. They... Well, I gotta tell you, it's better that way than the other way. Oh, yes. Oh, we've all done it.

Oh, you've all had that... Tom wanked with hand sanitizer. Cleanest... You've all had that body wash that's like, oh, we put a billion mint leaves in this bottle. Then you put it on your mutt and you're like, ah, no! Minty. It's tangy!

It's tough, but when your partner gives us one. If you want your vagina to be minty fresh, stick to gum. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum Anyway... Have you guys done your kegels? Just...

You gotta have a whole packet of extra in there and go HAAAWK! And what else do I have to roll? At the center of the clearing is the grand uh, Spiegel tent Dirty Ferns, House of Fun and either side of the

hideously grinning Lunapark mouth are two, uh, like, banner posters. And on them is a very svelte-looking elf. Yeah, with like, rosy red cheeks and just like a smile, almost like Disney-style. And it's his face. It's look- it looks like, if you put it together, if you- if you did- You all passed your intelligence checks, and you put it together,, maybe some of you don't, but I'm telling you, we skipped that. Okay, it's dirty fun, house of fun, his name's on the thing,

and the crowd starts to shuffle in variously using hand sanitizer. Do we have an idea of what the show is gonna be? Like what genre of performance it is? I think fun. It just says fun. It says hours and hours of fun. Wow. Hours and hours. It says It says hours and hours of fun. Hours and hours?

It says hours and hours and hours of fun. Do we need tickets or is it just like a free entry thing? You're completely fine. It seems like there's this communal area, there's no one at the kind of front of the Spiegel tent. I think it's general admission. And is it a fringe show? Or is it an international act? Can I use my perception check to see if this show has a big budget behind it? Sure, you can make a perception check. You can all make perception checks.

Why? Alright, can I use an artist pass check to see whether I just get in for free? So when do you all fucking fail? Anyway, you rolled a one. Yeah. I'm gonna go sit in the front row. Yeah, I just get his foot for him. So what, did you all fucking fail? Anyway, you rolled a one. Yeah. I'm gonna go sit in the front row. Yeah, I'm going in. You critically failed at your perception. Okay, so you look at it, you think that it's probably

gonna be a very clean, family-friendly show. Oh, this'll be nice, I'll tell my sons to come. Okay, so you go to the front row. Front row. Yeah, I'm front row. I'm going front row, but way off to the right because I am like ripe to be picked on. You always get brought up for crowd participation. Yeah, and it doesn't go well. And like the performers even bummed out.

Not what we were looking for. What have you done with your army people? I assume, I mean they're up, they're left up to their own, I mean I guess everyone's kind of just like feeling the vibe and doing whatever they want. We're on an army break I think. If you look back out through the door and they're absolutely getting into the jello shots. They're out there sucking and fucking. I was thinking that some would fuck each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Darren is getting weekended by Bernie. At all. That guy. That's hard. That guy who's horny for the duck is like aggressively jerking off. That's a spirit conjurer. Yeah, but he got there, he's like, ah, hi, good, because he got the hands out.

Hands out, hands out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, but because it's like a sex party, they have like urinals, but for jacking it? Nice, that's so nice. How did I lead you into another sex party, guys? You said we walked in and they were all fucking. Yeah, but why did I plan this?

Can I say, to be fair, when we talked about this before, we were like, it's gonna be like an Oktoberfest, it's gonna be like a fringe sort of thing, it is gonna be that. And then the second we started, you were like, it's gonna be like an Oktoberfest, it's gonna be like a fringe sort of thing, it is gonna be that. And then the second we started, you were like, and they're all railing each other. Oh my God. This is fucking-

Can someone have sex with Eden, please? This is the second, this is the second fucking orgy you've put us through. Yeah, yeah. The last one was with frogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, but you go into the tent The last one was with frogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, but you go into the tent and it's more of a, yeah. Everyone's sitting and watching, right?

Everyone goes back to their seats and pulls their pants back on. As you go and walk, the fires slowly goes down and all that is left is this big circular stage in the middle of all the crowd around. And the light comes down, mirrors are lowered and a huge beam shoots down into the center. Smoke comes up and the face of a cute little elf pops up in the smoke with like rosy cheeks, kind of like Christmas stars.

Says, y'all ready to see a show now? Yay! Oh yes, all this looks fun. Oh yes, all this looks fun. Oh yes, Polly Waterloo loves shows and she loves audience participation. So this will be like Disney on Ice. What audience participation did you do in Disney on Ice? Oh, they don't say it but you can just get around as you please. Yeah, hello, hello. Hello, Elsa. Hello, beast. Hello, beast.

The voice says, I hope y'all had a nice time out there sucking and fucking. But now please pants on and I'd like to introduce, well, none other than me. And the smoke dissipates and out from the bottom shoots up one of the biggest, fattest elves

you've ever seen in your entire lives with like rosy cheeks and just green all over. It says, well, it's good to see everyone. Welcome to Dirty Fern's house of fun. Yay! Yay! It's good to see everyone out here. Good to see some of our newest friends over the fish people of Glooblchak.

Blub blub blub blub blub blub. And we got an, I heard from one of my friends, we got an army out the front. Is that so? Yeah! Yeah! Just an army of one, that sounds good. And I think we got some new friends down the front. Is that right?

Introduce yourself down there. Hi! Dinner munch about slides down in his chair, trying to avoid eye contact. Dinner, are your pants slippery? You seem to be sliding down. Sometimes when my pants are too slippery I slide down. Let me help you up. And he like lifts him back up. Oh, we got a Shaoban over here I think.

What's your name, darling? My name is dinner. My name is my name and he gets really close to the microphone and says my name is dinner and he goes eeeeee. My name is dinner. My name is dinner. Hello? He recently got divorced! Oh, well, you've come to the right place because here anything can happen with sweet things Let go of the microphone, please I'm more I'm more than what I've presented to you That's good. That's good. And he wrestles away. He says, I thank you all for being so sweet the entire time, but, and I promise you something

special tonight, did I not? I promise you something extra dirty. Burn. So without further ado, I'd like to present my new toy. And he snaps his fingers and from underneath the stage something shoots up that shines bright green light into all of your eyes. Sippy. Pardon me?

I didn't do nothing. Jimmy! What? Alex just asked me what that is and Jenny you can explain to Alex what it is. It's a fuck machine. It's sort of like the thing that was something that was invented in the 80s. The male version is called the Venus 2000 for men. Oh my god, you actually told me about this backstage.

Yes, exactly. Um, you actually say everyone goes, and the only thing that you hear is a dimm much better say, is a zibian. And everyone in your kind of zone turns to you. Um, but as your eyes adjust, you realize what you're seeing floating in Dirty Fern's hand is what looks kind of like a harp. Is that right? Yeah it looks like it looks like a harp but well you would recognize it. Yeah of course. It is in fact... a Sibian. It is in fact you you recognize it as the weapon of none other. Oh, it's the bow of the heart of the ironwood. It's a bow.

But what he's done is he's put extra strings on it so that it's a harp. And he goes bling. He strings it once and the most beautiful sound comes out. And everyone goes, oh, is it? Do we need to do a test for that? If you want to. No, don't. What are we, what are you up to? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh my god. Wait, wait, wait, is this like the brown note, but for orgasms?

Is that what this is? I'm having deja vu, I'm pretty sure we did this in the frog episode. I'm pretty sure there was something that made everyone come. The great elf, when he strings it once, you feel, you don't, you don't, everything has been so sensual up until now,

but you feel this joy, you feel this warmth as the music flows over you. And not only warmth, you feel a sadness. It's almost like the entire range of emotions comes over you in this incredible kind of gale. And as they go through you think what incredible gift is this music? And as it goes, it ends surprisingly on a deep, deep rain, a rage, that burns you to your heart and just for a second you look around the room and you feel so fucking mad at every single person here

every single person that you've come with, even the other people, every person you've come with every person you've come in and come on just had to double back once I saw that in my rearview mirror. And then just as he puts his hand back on the harp, it all snaps away and you're brought back. And he says, but not for now. First, I want to introduce you to some of the opening acts. I'm going to be back out in two hours and then the real show is going to begin.

First, please introduce a new member. This is Peele. He's going to be doing some close up magic. The disgruntled Peele finally able to show stands on stage and starts doing that fucking light on his thumb trick Where he's like putting it in his ear and like pulling it out his other ear and people go back to sucking and fucking that really listen to him Chariot says to the group guys That's one of the special MacGuffins of the whole season

One of the special MacGuffins of the whole season. The Heart of the Ironwood, that's the champion's bow. We need to get it. What? That instrument that made everyone want to come and then cry? Yes. If you just want the machine, if you want the simian, just say you want the simian dude. No, no, no, no, no. It's a bow, but it looks like he's restrung it to be some sort of infernal

music machine but i could still fuck it what sorry what do you mean what's dinner dinner dinner i got a question dinner dinner be honest how long has it been it's been it's just a normal amount. I feel I've got a tummy ache and he leaves. Okay, dinner walks outside. I've got a tooth so it's not a real tummy ache and you can tell. Charyon grabs dinner by the wrist and is like, we have to go backstage and get it.

Come on guys, let's sneak. Very cool. Okay, so you're gonna sneak around, try and sneak around the back? I think we're gonna sneak, well what's the entrance to the, what's the layout of the theater? Because it's in the round.

Yeah, what is the back? Wait, is it in the round? It's in the round. It's a speedle tent. There is a stage in the center, and you can see around to the back, there like a little gangway and like a curtain. Okay, well we sort of squeeze past all the people who have started sucking and fucking. Can't we make a distraction?

I don't think we need to. There's close-up magic happening! There's a show! No one is paying attention to him, he's like... Why don't you do a show that will distract everyone yeah I got skills I can do it fucking magic or whatever you guys want to see I could yeah of course I can do what do you want me to do? I think you should do a show about how you fucked up proposing okay but if like that is available on Paramount Plus right now and I think it's actually like like it's got a lot of five-star ratings on it.

Sometimes I see those comedy shows and the comedians are making funny jokes but they're actually very sad men and it's like the show's called My Wife cheated on me but he's like shrugging and so maybe you could do one of those types of shows. They seem to do fairly well. Yeah, I guess I could do a show about my wife. I mean, that is pretty raw. She did just fuck all those other guys, like, I don't know, like my entire marriage. So I don't know if I've really dealt with that emotionally yet.

Well, the best thing to do as a comedian is just talk about it in front of lots of people. Okay, yeah, sure. So, Pill limps off stage to no applause. Yeah, just what he thinks is applause, which is actually just skin on skin. Very rhythmic clapping. Very rhythmic clapping. The clapping of cheeks. He cries a little because he. It's ever slow.

He cries a little because he thinks it's a slow clap. But then it gets a bit faster and he's like, ah! And then everyone cheers! Okay, and... He just has to go back on for an encore. And could Sunbelt Gongbonger has already taken the stage. Good evening everybody. My name's Sunbelt Gongbonger has already taken the stage? Good evening everybody! My name is Sunbelt Gongbonger and thanks for coming to the comedy show. Look, I've had some shit happen to me this last year. My wife's been fucking all these guys and I thought I was into it. I had this special chair made and I'd watch them.

And yeah, I don't know, what jokes do I do? Stefania Giammanotta, what would you like to do while you're watching this sad man stand up? Um, I have an idea to, you know my big Spiralli sword? I was thinking I could throw it and it'll get into the strings of the thing and like, get it off the stage. So that guy has gone, he's walked off and he's gone backstage to get ready for his performers right now. But it looks like dinner and charion are kind of creeping around so you can go with them if you want to. Yeah yeah yeah I want to get it I want to go get it. You're slithering? Yeah. Okay. On the floor? Where do you slither? Well there's just stuff going on on the floor.

Oh. It's gonna make it pretty easy to slither. It's actually optimum slithering. Don't worry, Jenna's got Gore-Tex. I just thought, because I rolled a stealth check, I got a 17. And I thought I would sort of slither like, kind of under the chairs and try and get just without being seen. Just in case like anybody else wants to sneak in a different way that I could maybe make it.

Okay, Jenna, you've made your way to the edge of the curtain. You're completely concealed in the folds of the black drapes. You're just there, just your pale face shadowed in the darkness. Like a freak. Charion, what are you doing? You going stealthy too? Yeah, I got a 15. Oh yeah, that's hell stealthy. Um, so I'm just, I think we're just, we're just making our way,

just sneaking our way outside. Stephanie, you can do a little stealth check for me. Roll the, roll the... Oh, 17. Oh, 17 plus your dexterity. Amazing. Cause you're all so stealthy and you push through the curtain, I and they see a lavish room with the elf sitting there powdering his face and looking into a great pool of water horizontally I guess. The mirrors exist in this scene?

That's hella magic bro, sideways water, brah brah! And he's going... Wait, do you think mirrors don't exist in this land? Nope. Yeah, but sideways. Fuck you sideways. He said horizontal. Oh, no. It's yeah, it's that way. He's actually compact. How about this? He's got open it up. It's water both up with sideways. He's got a doppelganger on the other side of a cutout and he's just looking at him he's powdering his face and he's got to living

don't do that yeah got do what I say none of your Flintstones tap quips and he is powdering his face looking at this doppelganger and warming his voice up. Burn! Well? Burn the elf! I didn't say that, did you? No, no problem. Burn! What are you talking about?

Stop, don't! You don't do- Okay, well I'm gonna turn around, but you gotta turn around as well. Burn! What? Oh, you're my old friend from the front row! Yes. Well, I don't usually do this before the show, but suppose if you've come to all the effort and he starts to unbutton his...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm here on official army business. What with the army? No, there's no name for the army. There's no battling here. You don't bring your violence into this sweet love fest, are you sugar? That bow right there. That belonged to the champion of iron.

You looking through your notes? Saffron Ironbark. Oh. Saffron Ironbark. Named after Ringo Bell. Who has struck down in the games. Not a number of months ago. How did it fall into your hands?

My hands? Well, I've always had this. This has been my birthright since I've been a young little man. Smell that? I wouldn't do that in this room. It's a bad idea. That's pants on fire. Hahahaha! J'acuse! Liar, liar!

Are you calling me a fibber? Hahahaha! Are you calling me a fibber? Are you calling me a fibby long stockings? Cherry on? Cause I don't think you're in any position to be calling me pants on fire. Pinno, you didn't, Kee-oh. That didn't work. A lying thing, another lying thing.

Look, I can riff with the best of them, but I don't have time. Give me my bow. This isn't your bow. It's my bow. I suggest you go back and take your seat, sir. I suggest you take your seat and take it outside where you belong.

I don't have time for crazy fans, guards. I'm not your fan. Just, I explained myself myself I want the ball yeah, you're not getting a guards get in here lunch for the bar you lunch I love shit, okay, we're in Combat combat combat combat is fucking combat. Okay, cherry on Valerian You're gonna try and grab the bow so I want you to make an attack roll for me. Now, I just want to be really clear. Last time we did this...

Yes. ...Alex used her duck powers to bite the big bad, and the battle finished in maybe ten seconds. Don't worry, I've got it. I've got it sorted. And I just want to say, remember I can fly. Oh, fuck. Okay. You put it up in the trapeze.

Alright, lunge baby. Is it a sleight of hand or is it an attack? Like does he have it in his hands or is it on the floor? Yeah, but it's grabbing. No, he's got it in his hands. Oh yeah, it is on the floor. So it's an unarmed strike? Like an unarmed... Okay, let's make her contested. Uh oh.

Okay, that's an 11. What'd you get? 11 Um, okay you grab it And the room is made of curtains right it's curtains yeah yeah I just lift up the curtain and I walk out. From behind the guards have already run in they're all surrounding you there's four of the the elf guards that have been around yeah there's four fucking guards and his eyes lock on to you and he's full of rage his face is red he looks down at the bow He's angry. It's like oh, it's almost like Frodo esque that you've touched this thing his eyes gone

For his eyes gone pinpricked and then for a second he relaxes and goes what are you gonna do you're gonna play it or so? Yeah, I play it to make him like Like cry you play. Yeah, I. The second your finger touches it, you faint. Oh my god. Do I not even do a Constitution saving throw? Yeah, yeah, do that. That's a one. Too horny, death by horny. You feel a full force of like all those emotions again, but it's far too powerful for you this time. And too much, too process. So dinner, you're there.

Stefania, you're also there. You've watched him grab the bow. The guards have rushed in. Charyon has played it and then doink. Yeah. He hit the ground. He's still in his hands though. He's what? He's still in his hands I have stayed I never reeled myself. Okay, you're still in the curtains

So I'm gonna cast my hand. Yes, and I'm gonna pick it out of his hand And with not my regular hands Your magic hands. I was I don't know how to Indicate a magic hand other than with my normal hand. Do the eek sound but do it magic. Eee, ooo, ooo. Okay, now that's a ghost. Okay, I've got it all mixed up.

Okay, I'm casting Mage Hand. You're casting Mage Hand, okay, so you are going to pick it up, alright? And Dirty Fern is going to grab it at the same time. You're in a wrestling match with Dirty Fern. You're annoying! Just before we see the results of this, we flash back outside to a Blue Minotaur doing his best gear. Yeah, he's um, Gongbonga has really, he's just, all he's seen in terms of comedy before this is insult comedy. So he's like really switched out of trying to do like sad one man show, my wife cheated on me stuff, and he's just like trying to start fights with people in the audience.

So he's like, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's your name? I'm Gault. What do you do for a living, Gault? I'm a sex worker. You fucking idiot! It's so funny. Fucking moron, stupid sex worker. Hey!

As you say fucking idiot, there's like a little vibration and you hear a single note that has been played from the other room and all of a sudden all the eyes snap up to you and the anger and only the anger and the rage that you felt earlier seems to overtake everyone and Galt lets off a serious barrage of angry insults much bigger than what you deserve Oh yeah? Yeah you're fucking- You're so angry

I'M FUCKING SICK OF THIS AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE GOT BIGGER TITS THAN YOU WANNA HAVE Yeah, you're so angry at me. I'm fucking sick of this and you look like you've got bigger tits than you wanna have! You look like you need a cow's bra! And he leaps onto the stage and all of a sudden he leaps onto the stage and everyone in the audience turns to each other and actually starts this entire melee and the entire Spiegleton is in a melee. Can I use the axe that has been put inside my chest? Yes. You don't know how to use it though. I'm just gonna try and blow them all away. Uh, okay.

That's a 10. So what you do is, you find that you've zapped to the far side of them. What the axe gives you is Misty Step, which is a 30-foot teleport as a bonus action three times a day. I thought it was a hurricane. Yeah, well, it's kind of like a sandstorm thing. It's called Sandy Step. Sandy Step. You seem really proud of that.

Yeah. Yeah, Tom. Wouldn't you be? Yeah, wouldn't you be? If you were Tom and you wrote that, you're like Misty, but it's sand. What will I call it? What will I call it? Grainy step? No, I think not. We thought about it for like four hours. What do we call this?

This is everything. Silicon step. You get three of those every long rest and you've used two, cunt. So, one more. Alright, I'm going to try Misty step inside... Galt. Whoa. Inside...

Galt. Galt and explode it from the inside. Yeah, I don't know man. No, follow that, that's good. Yeah, you think yes? I think, I don't know if that's how Misty Step works. No, I don't think that's how it works. What happens when I try it?

You try it and you zap and you're holding gulp like in a really, like in a tender, in a tender, in a tender spoon. Sorry, I thought I was gonna kill you. But it seems like you're still alive. And Gault- Is that an apology? And Gault spins- I said sorry! Gault spins and gives you an elbow in the ribs.

Doing to you four points of damage. Okay, I'm gonna run, I'm gonna run. Pollywaddle, what do you want to do? Are they fighting us? Or they're just fighting each other? Gault and everyone's fighting each other, but Gault specifically is fighting Gongbonga. Alright, and what kind of creature is Gault? Gault's a... sex worker.

A human sex worker. Oh, okay. I reckon Gongbonga can take him. Great, yeah. And I'm gonna go backstage and help her take him. Great, yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna go backstage and help us out. Okay, you're gonna sneak backstage. Meanwhile, backstage, Stefania Giamminotta's got a, what are you doing?

Yeah, I wanna stab someone with my sword. Okay. To protect my guy who's fainted. Great, great, great, great. So there's four guards and then there's the Fat Elf. Who would you like to attack? Guards. Okay, you're to attack? Uh, guards. Okay, you're gonna go for a guard. Roll an attack for me. Tell me what you get.

Ugh, three. You miss. You suck at it. You spin, but you twist too far because it's a spiral sird and you go right underneath. I mean, imagine if it gets stuck inside and then she's gotta try and get it out. Like when you're trying to open a cork wine bottle That's how you spend the rest of your turn um, we're back to you charion so have I fainted or I just fell over Um, am I am I alive you come to your senses? What you can act? Okay, so i've got it still in my no no dinner's got it dinner's got it And there's a magical hand holding it and the fat elf is also holding it. It looks like they're wrestling for it I've got it still in my hand. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. I never forget how grappling is. Okay, make an attack roll. It's good. Go for it. It's a ten strength

What? Fucking opposed. Oh Shit, yeah, you he actually takes you and like flips you down. You don't have him grappled, but he's let go of the oh Yeah, he is forced to let go. Exactly. Damn it, I've been outsmarted. Um, um. Ha ha!

And two elf guards rush towards you, but they suck! Fuck, they suck! But there's another one. No! No, no, no, no. There's our 20 elf guards! There's our 20 elf guards!

There's our 20 of them! No, and the other two are gonna to attack Stefania Gennemanotta. One of them hits you. Oh my God, with his sword. He's so upset with you. You take fucking five points of damage. I didn't tell you how many hit points you have. Let's say you've got 20.

So now you're on fucking 15. Thanks. Yeah, great. Thank you. So, but like that hurt. A guy literally stabbed you. Imagine a guy stabbing you. I would say, Mothafucka. And dinner m. Thank you. So, but like that hurt. Yeah. A guy literally stabbed you. Imagine a guy stabbing you. I would say, Mothafungal!

And dinner munch about it is your turn. Hello? So I'm still holding, I'm still holding. Yes, the bow is. Before you move, uh, dirty faces. Please, I need this. I'm begging you, don't take it away from me. I need this. How do you need it more than me? from me I need this. How do you need it more than me? What do you think you don't have that I don't have? Okay. This starts crying. Demi the pity wizard of course has activated

her his pity aura. Looking at your your microphone, be like, how could this possibly get any louder? So the wizard is going to have to make a sadness check. Yeah. Oh, which he fails. He sees right through your ruse and is like, what does he say? He fails a sad? No, no, no, he passes the save. Oh, the sympathy check. he has none for you. What? I have no emotion, and what you're showing me is not but shit!

Yeah. You get an action now, I see. I have to do this? Yeah. No, that was your action. That was it. That was your action for the round. No, me, mine.

No, what? Me, mine. Me, mine, me, mine. Yeah, you used your pity aura. Mine, me, mine. You activated your pity aura. No! That was bonus action. OK. Yeah! Me, me, me! Yeah, you used your pity. You activated your pity horror. No!

That was bonus, actually. Yeah! Okay, yeah, yeah. A bonus pity horror. Yeah. I'm like, I'm... Yeah, you're doing great. Everyone's doing great. Mama let you do whatever. That's me. Mama late. Mama late for...

You stay up late and have cocoa pops for dinner. Alright! Have two more matches. Can I watch... Your bloody daughter! Alright. I'm gonna watch Rove Live. That sounds so lame. I'm gonna watch it like his mum said.

A neck chop. Are you gonna do a neck chop? Okay, go on, make an attack, Ro. What's your strength? What is my strength? Mine is one. I don't feel too bad about giving you another action now. You're convinced of your own ability to do judo?

What? What? Oh, shit. You sprain your wrist. It's like letting your kids stay up to watch Rove and they like fall into the TV and like put their fucking head through this shit. They get electrocuted. You take four points of damage and you have a green stick fracture.

Okay. four points of damage and you have a green stick fracture. Okay. It is now Polly Waddle's turn. Polly Waddle what are you doing? I'm gonna fly straight up to Fern. Yes. And I'm gonna use taunt. Okay yes. And I'm gonna say caught you set. Not bad. Yeah, not bad, not bad. Seen it before, I've seen quite a few fringe shows, so a little bit derivative. I feel like I saw a lot of that stuff at Edinburgh the year before. But it's alright, it's alright. Tell me, how much in the year do you tour? I mean, are you doing all the fringes or are you just doing some of them? It's just the one show I do here.

Yeah, it's just the one show but how many times a year do you do it? I don't know. Three times a year, I guess. And what do you do the rest of the time, just preparing for this show? I write this show. It takes love. It's emotional. Yeah? It's about my last relationships. Didn't get that impression. It's emotional. Yeah? It's about my last relationships. Didn't get that impression. Thought it was just,

it feels like you were just paying other support. You know, you can't just fill your set with support acts the whole time, mate. Who are you? Who am I? I'm Polly Waddle, bitch. And filled with rage, you see a crackling energy start behind his eyes and he does a swirling of his hands and please make a dexterity check.

DC 15 as a lightning bolt rips out of his hands and shoots through the tent. Sorry but he does have a disadvantage on attack rolls against targets other than me until rips out of his hands and shoots through the tent. Sorry, but he does have a disadvantage on attack rolls against targets other than me until the start of your next turn. That is true, but this is a saving throw that you still have to make. DC 14, Dexterity save. I have a thing about saving. Yeah you got evasion.

So if you pass, because you got evasion, you'll take no damage. But if you fail, you'll still take damage. I got a 2. You take 26 damage, half of which is 13 because you dodged out of the way. That's so cool, but I started with 12. Eeeyooo! Pollywaddle! He screams, was that derivative?

Bitch! Sunbelt gong bonga, lightning rips through the tent towards you and you see through the hole that it's come through Polly Wattle flooded to the ground in a zap of feathers They killed the birds! And it's your turn I'm going to release GONK or whatever their name was Yes And I'm going to, I'm gonna charge in through

the open curtain and use my Minotaur charge and try and horn the elf. Okay. Yeah you can do that it's only 40 yards away make an attack roll for me please. Yeah yeah yeah it's 14. Does that, does that, does that horn him? Yeah so you come charging, whiffling through the thing, through the curtains, in a flurry of curtains! A blue Minotaur charges, yes, what's the damage? Oh, it's part of a melee attack, so I have to do an attack as well. Okay, make a fucking attack roll. That's a one.

Okay, you charge right past him. Straight through the other side of the tent, and out the tent. I didn't do well! I didn't do well. I fucking bombed on stage. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And you feel like a hack because the curtains are red? Stefania, a bull has just run past you and out of the tent it's your turn. What would you like to do? Okay, can I do this? Does everyone remember that I have a chastity belt on? Yes, truly who could forget?

So I'm thinking like can I like do a flip and like use it to like bang the elf on the head Hell yeah, you're gonna whack a guy pussy first Pop my pussy. Okay pop that pussy, make a roll for me Police for the love of fucking God. Eight. Okay, so you, so, but you've got, you're a strong Italian. So you run, you take a running jump, you take a running jump, and you want to hit them in the face, but you trip,

and instead your chastity belt whacks him right in the, you see, right in the, Dick! Yes, right in the dick. And he he is you do him four points of damage and he is momentarily stunned well done Stefania Germanotta. Polly Waddle it is your turn. I am dead. Oh yeah Death save, wait wait wait I'm gonna make a death save. Oh you're doing it it. Dave used to let us do it so we could cheat. Yeah, so it's secret. So it's secret. Okay. What, so you don't tell us what it is?

So if you fail three death saves, you're dead forever. Yeah, but I, what, how come I don't get to know? Well, so that's the thing. It's like if they know that you've already passed two, they'll be like, she'll be fine. But this is Jeopardy. All you know is that Polly Waddle is on the ground. Um, chair down for there, Ann, it's your turn. Okay so I guess I'm on the floor but he's moved up after grappling me. Uh... And I've seen him attack, I've seen Fern attack.

No, Dirty Fern just took a Chastity Belt to the nuts. Yeah, Dirty Fern's not actually done anything yet. So maybe we haven't skipped you. No he did a lightning bolt. Oh yeah okay nice and I've seen what's happened to Polly. I'm going to cast Healing Word. Okay yes you've got Healing Word and that is a total of seven points. You're back on seven puts. I'm back. What was the Healing Word? It was uh... What was the healing word? It was... Ding.

He's a bard now, he's got bard spells. So he brought you back to life, but the elves are gonna fucking attack you, they're so mad they're gonna stab you, Stefania. Oh my god, one of them hits. You take another five points of damage. Dina, the other two are going at you. What? Okay, I only won then.

I only won then. But that one hits with a fucking 20 8 points of damage Oh man I should have been able to say no The last one attacks you, Charyon And misses Pollywaddle it's your turn Alright I'm gonna use Blades of Grass against Fern

Okay yes And I get two dice because I've got two of them right? You get two attacks, yes go for it Alright I got a 19 and a 2 Oh one of that hits. And I got a 8. 8 damage. 8 damage? Oh my god he doesn't like that one bit and it is his turn. He rises to his feet. He looks up and he looks around and says, you stupid, stupid little fucking open and act bitches. You think that this is backstage? This isn't even the fucking main event.

And he looks at all of you and he brings his hands up and he sings a laaaaaaa. And all of the elves around him that were just about threatening you, they seem to fall. And the lice kind of drain from him, and up from his feet roots start to kind of curl around his legs. And he slowly starts to get big and bigger until his trunk has even gotten larger, and standing before you is this sort of wooden great big tree man. It's like a sort of workout time lapse. Yeah, it's a cool time lapse. He goes, did that look like a time lapse? Do you get the reference?

I've got to say, yes. And he takes a bottle of booze and he smashes it against his head. And his head goes on fire. And he says, this is the main event now, mother fucker. Give me back that phone. Wait, he's wood and he set himself on fire. He says, this is the main event now motherfuckers! Give me back that bow! Wait, he's wood and he set himself on fire? Yeah. He's crazy like that. He says, you galip this bitch! I'm full of oils! And with his fiery hands he lunges. Who's got the bow?

Charyon's got the bow, right? Dinner got the bow. Oh, that's a fucking hit dinner Sorry, you just hit me. Yeah, but I was a different guy. Yeah, but I'm not 13 points of damage fuck me Are you still alive? Sun belt is your turn Oh, no, it hasn't happened yet. I've been attacked twice! Stop, yeah, look, sometimes- I was on 26 points and now I'm on five!

Yeah, complaining's not gonna help it. Sunbelt, it's your turn. Do you remember when you got mad with us because you got out of a worm too quick? This is what happens. Sunbelt sees the red curtain he's just run through, and it puts him into a rage, obviously. Yes, obviously.

So, he then runs back through with his great axe and he's gonna swing the great axe. As you pull your great axe up into the air you feel it actually feels a little different and you look up and the same red glowing orb that was in your chest is now flat in the middle of it and it's a huge sand of great axe you're holding now. F**k yeah! Plus two axe, you get plus two to hit and damage. Alright, so I rolled a... 11 plus five is... Sorry, plus four is 15.

Hits. Oh, plus...actually yeah, my damage was... Two plus two is four, plus six is ten. Ten damage. Ten damage, oh my god. You take a chunk out of him, but he's wood now. Ah, you sorrowful b**ch! Stefania, it's your turn. There's a big wooden tree next to you and his head's on fire. Okay, all I feel like I have is my pussy and my sword.

Okay. And I've used so many. How many girls feel like that? But have we thought about this, like, my sword, like, what's it gonna do to wood? Like, it's kind of just like using a screwdriver in a thing of- You wanna do a spore the through the hole you could get like some maple syrup you get some a lift you can lift it okay I'm using my sword okay you're gonna

go make an attack role make 20! Oh my god! Spinning the fusilli spiralli shaped pasta into the heart of the tree, you make a big hole in it. Oh, girl! And the oil starts to seep out of it. From the oil spawns more flames, right? It's all flammable. Yeah. More flames start to flow onto the ground. And he says, I feel like I'm gonna stab my spaghetti, what the fuck?

And the flames spawn and slither across the ground, creeping up the sides of the tent. Elfcum is highly flammable. Filling, filling the tent. Elfcom is highly flammable. Filling, filling the room with... In all the lanterns in Ironside. All the lanterns in Ironside and the flames go up and the Spiegel tent

dances in flames. You are all surrounded by an inferno. And somewhere up on Ironside, Mordecai looks out the window and sees a little more smoke than was before coming up from the forest and says, it doesn't seem good. What will be the fate of the heroes of the earth?

Find out in our next fascinating episode of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Demi Leitman, with special guest Concetta Caresto. Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy with live accompaniments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and this week's episode was recorded at the Factory Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early access to ad free episodes, show recordings, and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore,

just to be be done, these four freaks will become the heroes of yore. No, I do escape rooms. Oh, come on, that's close. That's for me, like, where I like fucking just love my life. Do you do escape rooms with your partner? Any fucking person. I'll go with anyone. Like, I love escape rooms. These guys can... not you, but some people in the world can be parasocial.

So don't say anyone. And then you'll be in a real escape room. Is this why at Concetta before we play a game called Five Things, a peek behind the curtain just to warm up. Oh my god, yeah. And you like have to say like, oh and you say five things of this and it's like just to get your mind going. And Concetta goes, Tom, give me five escape rooms. Oh I don't know.

Escape room. I said five rejected escape room ideas. But yeah, that's- What's the best, just quickly for these, because these people will love it as well. Do you guys make some noise if you like escape rooms? What's your- Yes!

What's the kind of shit they're into? What's your favorite one you've done? Oh my God. Okay, well, most recently I did one at 9 p.m. at night. So bad I was fucked the next day for radio, obviously. And it was a haunted dolls. It was haunted, actually no, wait! That was really good.

It was normal dolls! It was like spooky. I only wanna do spooky. Like that's my preference. I just love to see how people make it spooky. We have to hang out darling, yes. I said this to you ages ago, but I knew when I was like,

okay, you're Italian, you believe in ghosts obviously. Yeah obviously. It's just something that I made up about Italians but Concetta was like yeah. We need to go. We need to go. Did you know that there's a there's an escape room in I'm pretty sure it's Germany that is It's a... We have to go. It's a twin towers escape room. No! I'm doing it! That's where they make you dress as firefighters.

No! That's so funny. No! You know what? You know what? Germany's got a bad rap. I think we have to do some fun stuff here. You know?

What will Americans like? Oh, I know what they're always talking about. I think we have to do some fun stuff here. You know? What will Americans like? Yeah. Oh, I know what they're always talking about. What feels they never forget? Is they obsessed? That's amazing. Pearl Harbor.

No. I once did a skate room with Dave Harmon, erstwhile, previous DM, smart guy, and he was just like, I was like, okay. And I would open the thing and read it and be like, ah, it's a Fimpenace sequence. Tsk tsk tsk tsk. Just like walked his way out of it.

I didn't get to solve anything. Yeah. I've also had that exact same escape room experience with Dave being like, this will be funny. He's like, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Finished. Wow. Too smart.

All right, is everyone back? We're all back?