Dragon Friends - DF2 #1.15. In-Your-End-O with Montaigne

Episode Date: October 6, 2024

Three weapons now in hand, the heroes of Yearth know their final destination: The Grand Capital of Frostopolis. But in their return, they cross paths with a familiar face. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Last night I said, hey can you help me move my entire studio? And he said, I'm actually quite but then he interrupted me. I said, get me a time and a place to be. And not only was there way more stuff and way heavier than he thought it was going to be, which is a given, it was also all made of fiberglass. Extremely cancerous. And he carried it real close to his face. I was sucking it in, I've been coughing up ever since.

So this might be your last show with Edith. Yeah. The heroes of yore, brave heroes of yore. Destiny be done, these four freaks will become the heroes of yore. Beneath a canopy of mighty trees Lays the smoldering ruin of a once quite nice spiegel tent Glass shattered, uncomfortable wooden chairs smashed to smithereens And at the centre of the scene of destruction, the charred remains of a tree-man-thing, with a spiral-shaped sword sticking out of its side. Dirty Fern has been defeated, slain by Stefania Hadjermanotta, who thirst for blood sated, has said her goodbyes and returned to the city of Ironside, where she will make lasagne in our hearts and minds forevermore. Charyon Valeriant, the heart

of the ironwood, the mystical bow, is now in your grasp. And these heroes of Yurth have now in their possession three of the four weapons needed to defeat Celestia and save the world from destruction. And indeed it will need some saving. Corpses lie scattered around you. As friend mourns friend. That's one of them. That's one of them in the back mourning. Driven mad by dirty ferns.

Infernal song. This guy, what's this guy's name Tom? His name's Burke. Infernal song This guy what's this guy's name Tom Burke and he's uh, he's he's holding he's holding like four of his friends He keeps saying more of his dead friends Sad sad, it's actually the sad episode, guys. So... But he's also got like a really up, up, up, up, and he's like, Ah, it'll be better tomorrow. Yeah.

He actually does start to smile. It's kind of like an incongruous scene, but he starts to smile. And you hear that amongst all this bloodshed, there is music still. Polly Waddle you hear a voice both foreign and familiar drifting on the wind through the forest. Foreign and familiar. Do you mean like Chinese mom? Yeah. And to play that Chinese mum. No. Oh, did you, can you guys hear a voice?

Must have been someone from Disney on Ice or something. I don't know. Gosh, it's nice though, isn't it? What are they, are they screaming or what am I, what am I hearing? No, it's a, it's singing. They're singing a song. It's like a song that's stuck in my head. Oh, it's not you, Burke. No, sorry Burke.

Could you just keep it down a little bit over there, Burke? What are you going to do with all those bodies? Probably cremate them. My advice, take a memento from each. A lock of hair, an eyeball. A locket. Any will do. He starts to ignore charity.

I once went to a church in Italy and they said they had the foreskin of Jesus Christ. And they said it was the real one, it was like a relic they had in the jar and stuff and you had to pay like 30 euros to see it. This is my character talking. Did you pay to see it? I didn't but my mother did and we had a great time. It just honestly it looked like it yeah it was you weren't allowed to touch the jar it was just sort of floating in there it wasn't very good. When did they get the allowed to touch the jar. It was just sort of floating in there. It wasn't very good. When did they get the opportunity

to take the foreskin of Jesus? When he was up there on the cross? No, I imagine he would have been circumcised. No, he was circumcised. He was a baby. Oh, so it's the foreskin of baby Jesus? Yeah. Yeah, it'd be pretty small.

I like to think there was one guard stabbed him with the spear, and another guy was like, I'll make sure he's dead It's coming you can see it's kind of coming Through you can see a pot see you can see a path. Can we all hear the voice? Oh, yeah, you can all hear it. Yeah, can we go check on out the voice? Yeah well better than being stuck with this sad sack of any. Okay so you charge off. I'll come with you guys.

Absolutely not. Okay. Hey Burke, you know how they say it does get better? Yeah. It doesn't. Bye! That is awful! That is really harsh! So um, trundling through the forest, Sunbelt Gongbonga goes first, followed by Charyon,

is there anything you need? Sure. Charyon and then Polly Waddle, you I guess, Flutter behind. And then bringing up the rear, Burke. It's just we don't know a lot about Burke, you know what I mean? All we know about Burke is he's there

and he's got a lot of dead friends. Yeah. And I think- It's an interesting start of a story for someone. I think, my concern- Have you heard of Batman before? How do you think he became- Totally.

Should we speed date Burke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. See if we want to bring him on our adventure or not. Burke, alright, here's your interview. Number one. Hello, boy. What do you do for a living? Oh, I'll take care of my friend. Oh.

Hahaha. Alright, Burke, here's an easy one. You play any team sports? Yeah, lots of them with all my... Burke, okay, no, you must like television. What's your favourite 90s sitcom? Oh, basically, we'd all sit around. Most of the time it would be... Some of them like Seinfeld, but my favourite has to be... I'm so...

And he wanders off into the forest singing his song. And dinner munch about says, hang on I'll be right back. I think you'll find that dinner munch about says... Oh no! Oh that sounds great! But dinner's got COVID, but dinner's got COVID and dinner just coughs and doesn't say anything for the rest of the episode because they're sick. But we do have a whole soundboard so if they need to say something

I suppose they will. You don't really like that soundboard this episode. No. Sorry, just did you just say that dinner has COVID? Does COVID exist in this fantasy world? Absolutely. Oh it does. He looks really sickly but you can't really tell because he looks normally he looks sickly. Oh okay. And so you wander deeper into the forest following the voice the voice and as you round a big dump up yeah big stomachs it's a tall stump you see that there is a tree it's the what's left of the tree. It's a star that lives on top. It's the bottom of the tree. It's a matured stump.

There is a caravan and sitting on the caravan is a figure strumming a lute and singing softly. And you see a face on the figure. The figure has a you really got a wind fucking talk about this yeah well what the figure figures have faces the shit all right no no no no it's a face alien to you and yet unmistakable alien a face A alien? A face you could never forget. Pale. With small red eyes. And a shapely yellow beak.

Not unlike your own. It is of course your eldest son. Bobby Waddle. And to play Bobby Waddle! and to sing the song that he is singing please welcome to the stage Montage! Woo woo woo woo woo! I don't think that you're evil, but do you have to be bad to me? Life could be really simple, life could be really nice

But instead you're a dick, you're a dick, you're a dick, why are you a dick to me? That's the villain dollar question driving away while you get rock hard like a porn star Ba da ba ba, you see the difference is that we're just two normal people This ain't a drama, if you keep it up, they'll beat all people here again nowhere fast If you keep on talking shit like that You wanna rock out with your cock out, then say you didn't That's just the way that life is, it's simply a sin Maybe the truth is a rabbit in a bush

But sometimes proof is a bush Fire all the same Why are you addicted to me? That's the million dollar question, drive me away Play yourself hot like a guitar Ba-da-ba-ba, you see the difference Is that we're just two normal people, this ain't a drama If you keep it up, they'll be the same fool

You're getting nowhere fast If you keep on talking shit like that How how can you say baby baby baby baby baby? Baby baby baby baby baby That's a million dollar question driving you away brother Hey hey hey hey You see the difference is that we're just two normal people This ain't a drama, if you keep it up they'll be no people They're getting nowhere fast

If you keep on talking shit like that Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Montaigne, welcome. This is like your first time on Dragon Friends. No, this is my third time. Far out. Yeah. First time with a character sheet? You had character sheets before? I had character sheets before. Dave Harmon's usually pretty diligent with that stuff. Yeah, as am I, obviously.

Did you have like points for giving me a tiny character sheet? Actually, yes I would. It's not in the band, man. Hey, we got dice here. You ever played D&D with dice before? Woah! Crazy! So Bobby Waddle, you are a duck, Lin, a duck with arms and you see as you're strumming your lute with your arms

you see on the edge of the clearing a big blue minotaur Oh. Yo! And a guy, he's a good-looking guy with a with a bow and you see your mom no one wears a bonnet quite like your mom except your grandma she also wore a bonnet too but this is a blue one Bobaniel is that you? My boy, Bobaniel! Bobaniel, aka Bobby. The tail, right? Don't worry about the name I gave you, just throw it out the window, that's fine.

Bobby, is it? What a weird, stupid name. Hello mother. Hello mother, it's... It's, uh... You know, I see you. Well, no, look, it's, uh... How long has it been since you've seen your mother? Oh, I don't know, like...

A good amount of time. I did actually knock on your door when I left with your grandfather for the solstice. But, uh, you mustn't have heard. But of course, Babaniel hadn't lived in that room for 12 long years. Oh, wait. His mother just hadn't checked to see what he was up to. Mother, you know I haven't lived there in ages. I've been on tour. Whoa.

Oh, okay. No thanks to you. Tour on tour, backpacking, you know, call it what you like. Wouldn't kill you to call your mother every now and then. I get paid to do my job. I get paid real money. Yeah, that's why it's called a job, sweetheart. Fuck.

And who are these people then? What's going on? Why are you here? I'm your Uncle Chariot. I'm just happy to be here. My name's Sunbelt and I'm loving this dynamic. Look, darling, I'm really, look, I'm happy things are going well for you.

You know, you're still doing it, which is good. Wait, sorry, can I, sorry to interrupt. Am I picking up a vibe that you think she's a bad mother? Is that the vibe where? Because a big part of her personal brand is I'm a good mother. That's what she's been telling us for I'd say weeks now. Going on and on about what a great mother she is.

Oh my children, they love me so much. I've got so many of them at home. Look, there's a lot of history between me and my mother and... Okay, do you think she knows anything about you? No. Would you like us to do a little quiz? What is this? I wouldn't love it that.

Of course I know my eldest, eldest, right? Yeah, eldest, my oldest son. Okay, what is Babanyal on tour doing? He's doing his little plays. His little, he does little musical plays. Uh, and they're very funny I've heard and very good musically as well. Musical plays, am I right? No, mother. No, I'm a traveling musician. I've played for some of the most important people in the earth. And like you still won't acknowledge it. I don't get it.

Surely like I've done everything that I can to become a successful musician. I went on fantasy duck idol. I auditioned myself like no help from you took all the initiative built myself this incredible career and I just don't know what I don't know how to I just don't know what to do with you and with us Now just a question for you did you wish that Babaniel grew up to be a doctor is that what you mean? Was that the problem? Well he was just so talented fixing things around the house.

He had a way with his arms and his wings and you know when Babaniel left, things just fell apart in the house. And I didn't know how to fix them and his father wasn't around. And I just thought maybe he would, I thought he'd stick around. I thought he'd come back, that's all. I'm very happy that he's doing traveling musician. Look, if I may speak up. Oh no, please.

About the home, the childhood home situation. This woman, my mother, sorry. about the home, the childhood home situation, this woman, my mother, sorry. Oh, I could hear the inverting promise. Oh, he's very good at that. Is, I believe and was an adult when she was raising me and my brothers and siblings. And I think maybe she probably could have learned to fix some things on her own.

I should have just been allowed to practice my music and be a child and play with my friends. But instead I had to fix the pots, I had to fix the cages, I had to fix the kitchen. I had to- Did you say cages? What do you mean cages? Because up until about there,

I was thinking this sounds very similar. I have some follow up questions for the Polly Waddle Ender conversation. What? Oh you know, who doesn't have cages in their house? What? What were you keeping in the cages? Why has this become an interrogation of me and my cages? Were you harvesting your children's and my cages and my experiments?

She's an experiment? What? No, Bobby said I hadn't... It's quite hot in here actually. Where's that Burke? Burke! And you hear a voice come out of the caravan an old kind of corona what let's see I'll do the voice and then we'll describe it because why is the music okay it's kind of like a foghorn from New York in 1960s yeah great great a real foghorn you why some music stopped but but then you know how I like my music and the caravan rattles the door flings open and you see this old crone with diamonds hanging from her ears and a little tiara bent over also a duckling

or no she's a regular lady she She's just straight up old human lady. Are all crones human? What about cranes? Crane crones. Okay. I've gone down that, I've interrogated it. Yes, all crones are human. All crones are human. No such thing as a crane prone not in my world no sir um he says why is the music stopped I pay you to make music I'm sorry I'm sorry that we've just we've got some visitors oh we get friends

well these two I've just met they seem cool enough I'm your uncle this is my my uncle, Charian, Charian Valerian. I'm a Minotaur. Oh, so handsome. Oh, you look strong. Thank you so much. My name is, is, is the, Were you trying to say Crank Crank?

Is the Crank Crank. My name is, is Miss Sweetness. Charmian Sweetness. It's a pleasure to make your... Oh, so nice to see a woman of my own age. Oh! Yeah, oh. This is your hired man as well?

My feathers aren't white because of my age, let me tell you sweetheart. No, that's not my hired man. Oh. He's my, I wanna say... Uncle. Uncle. Do you know what that word means? You've used it twice and I'm not sure you know what it means.

Believe you me, I've met an uncle or two in my time. Oh. Well, if you're the kind of uncle that you've met, then I'd like to meet that kind of uncle. Now I think I don't know what uncle means. But, Manuel, can you explain, who's your friend? OK, so I guess. Is it an uncle?

No. Okay, so... Is it an uncle? No, well, I have kind of had a bit of a lull in like, booking shows lately, and I met Miss Sweetness... I keep him as my houseboy! Well, I don't like that phrase! I wouldn't! I wouldn't! From what I understand, I'm like a musician on commission. Like I'm performing my skill as a service. In, I'm compensated with money. Yeah, as long as you understand our understanding,

that's no problem. Why do you have to make everything sound so fucked up? Me? This is my regular voice. I just think you could say, Hey, I've hired a banalist musician. We'd all be like, okay, you're a... Oh! The innuendo was deliberate.

How... What's innuendo? Maybe you later. Anyway... Maybe you later. Anyway. You just, it's a shame you weren't here last night. Why? Because there was something here for you. Oh, I was here last night and believe me, I'm sad it's over.

But this party's done. Everybody here is dead and sad. I'm moving on to the next party. And as she speaks, you start to notice that there's suddenly all the people around you are kind of walking in one direction. You're the only ones in this sort of sea of moving people all walking over. And most of them, if you notice, are kind of soldiers. They look quite heavily Most of them, if you notice, are kind of soldiers. They look quite heavily, uh, weaponed. Arm to arm.

Fantasy. Hey, listen, you can't say that I say the wrong thing on this show. But you did. Yeah, I know, but... OK, we've got to kick Montane off this show. How are we going to get Montane off this? They're getting fucking lippy. They get too lippy, it's not right.

It shouldn't be lippy. They should support you. Eden, I have a question regarding the character you're playing. Yes. And this is sort of a meta question, but are they necessary to the story? Oh. Like... You think I put in,

you think I put in non-necessary characters? Well, yeah, but if we just, if something happened, if an accident were to befall them, would we be able to continue on with the show? Anyway, we're going on to the next party. I've been invited to lexicon's private Villain Magnificent we know him. Well, I know him too. Oh, we've got Magnificent. We know him. Well, I know him too. Oh, we've got a mutual friend.

We've got so much in common. Now tell me. Yes. You like music. Yes. I'm a bit of a musician myself. Oh my god. Well, if you're a musician, I'd love you to accompany us to the river.

Sorry the where? The river. We're taking my private barge up the river to the Great Waterfall and from there we'll go on to Frostopolis. I'm sure you'd be welcome. Well I would personally be delighted. Alright, well... Polly!

Bye! Polly, I've got an idea. You know how your son, Clellery, clearly hates you. Yeah, well no, come on, I think we've got an idea. You know how your son clearly hates you? Yeah, well no, come on, I think we've got a bit of a tit for tat. Bob Daniels is shooting really, really savage side eye at her, just like arms crossed the whole time. Duck side eye is just like one side of it. I'm turned kind of like 45 degrees so that I'm more...

You're facing the opposite direction of one eye. He's like looking backwards. Oh, he's fine. He gets in the mood. What? What is it? No, he doesn't hate me. He loves every... Every boy loves his mummy. Oh, my God. I have a feeling this old crone is exploiting your boy. Why don't we... kill or just hogtie the old crone and then you can instead of like you're

saving the sun and then you get to feel like a hero. Well you know I would you know the old me would think that but I just wonder if I need to let Bob annual make make his own way through the world and not be rescued by Mummy all the time. Because I've got to tell you something. Yes? I have actually been following every single one of his concerts. What?

And I'm always worried that no one will buy tickets. So I buy tickets to the whole... I just stack out just to make sure that the bottom half is always full. But you know, what do you do with the tickets? Wait what? You buy the tickets. Buy the tickets so you know, just so he's always got an income. But don't tell him.

No but then he's... I've been helping my boy. Here's my problem with that. If you go to perform and the whole front half has been bought by your mother, but she's off at the solstice games and isn't turning up, that kind of means the front half of the auditorium is just going to be empty. And if you have like 30 fans, they're going to be sitting like 15 rows back. And I think that's gonna be a downer on the evening. Oh no. That's exactly... That's what I've been... I've been doing it for years.

How much has this cost you? I've had to remortgage the pond. Twice. And even... And even with all the support from his mother? That includes all the creatures in the pond too. You remortgage the frogs? I don't know. Yeah.

I've remortgaged the frogs. I've remortgaged the newts. The kestrels! I've remortgaged the kestrels. I've remortgaged the duckweed. No! Here's another thing I've just thought of. Yeah? If you've been doing this for years throughout his entire career, you've been spending what No! Here's another thing I've just thought of.

Yeah? If you've been doing this for years throughout his entire career, you've been spending what seems like millions of gold coins doing this, and he's still, even with all that support, ended up in a trailer with an old crone. Is there a chance Bipaniel shit at music? No, I mean you heard him, he's very talented. I mean, I think he's great. I think he's great. I'm just not sure if you're this ready for his stylings, you know?

Well... And you notice that the caravan is trundling off. It's joined the column of soldiers and... We catch up. My boy! Yeah.! We chase after them. You chase after them and join the long column. Charyon has been invited inside. Would you like to go inside? Yeah. Okay and Bob annual is driving the wagon sitting on the wagon sitting on the front. She's there whipping a horse but gently right? Playfully. Playfully. And the horse is also whipping. Who's pulling the caravan?

Um a little pony. A little pony. A little pony. But it's another horse inside the caravan being whipped. No there's a little pony but it looks like there is a there is a there's a birth next to little pony, but it looks like there is a, there's a birth next to the pony and the pony looks like it's really struggling. Sunbelt. A what? A pony.

No, no, what's next to the pony? You know, like, you know, those things. A yoke? A yoke. Hell yeah. Fantasy. Nice. What are you talking about?

You guys are so cute. People sort of looking at Sunbelt and then looking at the empty yoke. Yeah, and you'll see the little pony is so cute. The little pony is so cute and and one of the wheels goes into a divot and then the pony looks at you like... Alex, you want to do the voice of the pony Alex? Yeah. Oh, my little wheel. My little wheel got in the divlet. And then, can it have love hearts for eyeballs? And it turns around and it backs its big eyelashes at Sunbelt.

Okay, I feel like I need to ask how old are you? Because I'm getting weird vibes! And I don't really like it! Why, I'm 25 years old! Got any ID? Can I give the pony... You know the TV show The Farewells? I remember that TV show. What would you like to do for Daniel?

Can I give the pony and pending on whether the Minotaur gets in. Can I give them Bartek inspiration? Oh yeah, you're gonna play a little song? I'm gonna sing a little song. Okay. My little pony, my little pony. La la la la la la la la la la. Great, and with, inspired by the singing of Babaniel, the pony looks at you and in a huff turns and kicks itself out of the rut.

Kiss my ass! And on... Damn, I love to watch you walk away. And on and on our merry caravan flows like a river of so many bodies to the sea, sea, sea, sea. It is not the sea they go to, but they come and find themselves at a large river where another caravan of big boats seem to be lined up ready to take all these soldiers. Yes, there's a muster of troops on the bank of the great river Pollywoddle. You've of course gone up this river before and over to the, I want to say right, if that's west, north, who knows, it's to the right. The great mountain

range rises and at its peak you can see the great city of Frostopolis. And there's troops loading into these giant barges. And in the midst of them is one much fancier barge. Yeah. And it's got a name on the side of it's called the glittering nipple. Nice. It's called the glittering nipple. It's like, here's my own private barge The glittering nipple I named it after my first husband He had one glittering nipple

He lost it in the war and you know how people get gold teeth Yeah, this guy he looked weird with only one nipple. So I said, you've got to get a new nipple. And then I, and then I went to the best goldsmith in the town that I was in. He was fine. And he gave him a nipple and then, and then he bought me this boat. Was that Ms. Sweeteners talking about her first husband there? Oh, why, why Tex Magnate? Well is that Miss Sweeten is talking about her first husband there. Oh! Why, why Tex Magnate? As I live and breathe.

And walking up behind you, taking you by surprise, there's quite a tall big man with a big, one of those black bow ties. What are they called? Colonel Sanders ribbon. Yeah, Colonel Sanders one. In fact, you know what, fuck it. It looks a lot like Colonel Sanders. Like fucking white hair

But it's got like he's got tiefling horns And he says I must say miss sweetness, I appreciate you inviting us on your boat hard to get up there to I see a Tokyo up there. I said Just call it the winter that's what we call it in our circles. Us rich people's circles, we call it Frosty Tokyo. I do appreciate you taking us on here, but terrible the business that we did have to contend with. I appreciate you turning your back on such an awful thing.

Oh well, it's all water under the very rich, but famous. And he marches off. Make yourself at home. Oh, come on. This boat isn't going to board itself. I would be honored to have you on as my guest. You're going to that boat? And you're going to Frostopolis.

Because I imagine we need to go to Frostopolis. Do you? I don't know. I know nothing of your motivation. I couldn't possibly. But as the elderly mother of my employee, it would be my pleasure to have you as my guest. Well, we would be delighted to be on board. Thank you so much. And what a lovely barge it is. Would you like me to get you some sort of assistance chair to bring you on board? Are you OK with your own legs? In the back, Bobanya's look very uncomfortable.

The idea that her mother's going to be on the boat. Yeah, I tap, I tap, I tap the cone and I'm like, hey, can we just have a chat really quick? OK, let's talk. Oh, I love it when you touch me. I quickly withdraw my hair and put it in. I have like also I'm wearing like a like a puffer a big puffer jacket it's very like sheep wool. Wow. I'm fine with... anyway. It's a big puff of jokers, iridescent, it's really cool. It's the only thing that I can hold on to, to remember and relive a time where I was popular. Is that what you wanted to tell me about? No. I say, hey look,

I don't know if you're catching the vibes but I don't really get along with my mum like at all and it would be well I would hate it if she was on this bar but also I know you pay me and you pay me well and I'm just I'm just making my appeal what do you think your appeal is noted Have some respect for ya! I see okay. Come on! Sweetness, yeah I'm talking to you, lover boy. Who, me?

Yeah, much that touch up the gangplank. Okay! He's even doing a particularly wiggly walk. Yeah, the wiggliest walk I can wiggle. You, blue boy, grab my bags. Uh, okay. And he tosses them into the river. Ha ha ha ha. Is the pony coming on board?

The pony's just waiting on the shore. Oh really? Yeah. You know how I said kiss my ass before? Hold on, I, because I'm really attached to the pony. And so I'm gonna, can I cast invisibility on the pony? Absolutely. You've used your bardic inspiration and now you're casting like a high level spell. You know we've got nothing planned. Great work.

Well, you know, I've got spells. Miss Sweetness has been distracted by Charyon's tush, so you can sneak the pony up the gang plank. The pony was... The pony was just saying, you know I said kiss my ass before and then just disappeared. Wait, wait! And then you're here. What was the next part? Tony was just like, you know I said kiss my ass before and then just disappeared. Wait, wait, no. And then you're here.

I need to, what was the next part? What was the next part? I can't even watch you walk away. So you all board the shiny nipple. Glittering. Glittering nipple. The glittering nipple and it pushes off into the river and begins magically going against the current because magic

surrounded by your really glistening beautiful expensive barge are all these other barges with these soldiers that are being kind of tossed up so yeah it's good yeah that is good. I was going to say something else but I decided I didn't have to. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Um, Charmian, do tell me, where are all these soldiers heading in? What are they, are they heading to some sort of war or is it some sort of soldiers retreat?

Everyone's going, everyone's going to Frostopolis. Yeah but what for? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you go on school trips. There's just this face of this Lexicon the Magnificent that some of you may know from Frostopolis and it's kind of like a I want you it's like a gift replay replay like I want you Frostopolis I want you come and save our city. Frostopolis is the safest place in all of Europe and I've got a private invitation to Lexicon's private villa. What are you so worried about? Why do you need to shelter at Rostopolis?

Newsflash, it's the end of the world. Oh, so you guys did hear about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just- Everyone knows. We're across it as well. Everyone knows. You'll all find your rooms on either side of the wall.

There's a big wall going down the wall. There's one wall. Pick one side of the wall. If you go on one side of the wall and your room's on the other side, you'll have to go all the way down the end of the wall and come back. It's structural.

It's a design flaw, I'll admit. Dinner served in ten minutes. I like to eat early. I'm old. You would understand. Sweetheart, I don't think I'm as old as you think I am. Well, we think different things. Slam!

Eden, is this character based on anyone in your life? Nobody that I know! Mr. Shaffir! Eden's... Eden Summers with Fran Drescher. I think we're gonna try and hobtie the crone. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I'm gonna follow the crone. So confidently like everyone's gonna do it?

Like we're all on board? Are you announcing this to your compadrex? I give you like a look. What's that look? Okay, wait, let's roll for it. What's the look that says, we're all gonna hogtie the crone? I feel like we've not rolled any dice this whole ep,

so I'm gonna roll the dice. Wait, wait, so what is this? Is this a... This is a communication check. Performance maybe? Yes, that may be performance, okay. Okay, this is gonna be performance. And so what do I need to hit to communicate?

Just tell me what you roll. Are you proficient? No, no, no, you can't! Don't move the goalpost. Just tell me what you think I need to roll with a performance check. To communicate with just a look, let's hogtie this strange woman? Yeah. I think that's an A-team.

Okay, I got a 2. Your eyes are telling me you've shat yourself. Is that right? You've shat yourself? Your britches are soiled? Sure, why not. And into the room on the far side of the wall, what's her name again? Charmian Sweetness. And your son, Bobaniel Waddell, disappear into behind a door. The lock goes click. Right, so Bobby went into her room. What will we be having for dinner? We'll have to find out on the next stupendous episode

of Dragon Friends! The cast of Dragon Friends Campaign 2 is Alex Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and Demi Laiper with special guest Montaigne. Our Dungeon Masters are Eden Lacey and Tom Cardy with Laiber Compliments by Nick Harriot. Shakira Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed and mastered by me, Hugh Guest and this week's episode was recorded at the Factory Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Eora Nation. This week's episode is brought to you by contributors to the Dragon Friends Patreon, who get early

access to ad-free episodes, show recordings and exclusive content for just $5 a month. Until next time. When a goddess returns from years of imprisonment, promising ruin for all. The rich and the poor Pray please don't unmake us Who will protect us from what is in store? The heroes of yore Brave heroes of yore

Destiny be done These four freaks will become We'll become the heroes of life about because back in the day when podcasts were just mp3s and you saw them in your iTunes occasionally actually you would just play a random podcast instead of a song and so we got an email years ago from someone who was in an amorous moment with their partner and then Fred Wilk at Home started and they didn't know that only the person whose laptop it was listened to our podcast the other person did not listen to our podcast. But it was loud enough that, I guess they were listening to the podcast at that point. Yeah, so they fucked to our podcast.

That's not. Wow. Didn't even stop to change the channel. Just went straight through on it. Wait, do we or do we not wanna know if anyone's fucked to Dragon Friends? La la la la la. Are you ready to not find out the answer to that question?

Why are you so embarrassed, Eden? I just want, I just- He's done it! It's the only way he can get hard. He has to be the best on the spot. I gotta listen to the last episode to get a run off real quick. It's also as a DM when he's trying to do the recap,

he's like, I gotta remember, I gotta write the new story but also I have to have sex. Yeah I have to be done before the tag at the end starts because I'd like to hear it.