Dragon Friends - Special: A Yulemas Very Merry (part 2)

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

IT'S YULEMAS TIME BABIES! YOUR HOT UNCLES, EDAN AND SIMON ARE BACK AGAIN, DM-ING THEIR TINY SHORTS OFF FOR YOUR SEASONAL ENJOYMENT. SIT DOWN, HIT PLAY AND NOG IT UP!With special guests Clare Cavanagh, Matthew Roden, Tom Walker and Tom Cardy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ha ha ha! Merry Yule, Miss Drago's Eden here. This is the final episode of Dragon Friends for 2018. Best enjoyed with a steaming cup of milk or other hot dairy beverage. Big thanks to all our fabulous guests this year, and an extra special thank you to you, our listeners. We love making this show for you, so from the bottom of our hearts, thank you for listening.

We're taking a summer break, but we'll be back with Season 5 for you earjockeys at the end of February. We return now to Vilge and Froo, deep in the milk dimension. Will they make it home for Yulmus? Let's find out. The blinding white light fades and you find yourselves on the front steps of a red brick suburban house. A sprinkler lazily sweeps back and forth across a yellowing lawn, perilously close to what can only be described

as a tangled clusterfuck of fairy lights that have been thrown into the branches of a jacaranda tree. A few purple flowers cling on to summer glory at its utmost tip. Their alternately scorched and sodden brethren forming a mulchy brown carpet below. Suddenly, as you register the unmistakable odour of ham, the door is flung open, and you hear a voice saying,

Don't stand out there like a pack of fucking drongos. Come in here and give your mum a hug. The white of the milk dimension has faded away and you find yourself somewhere in suburbia. I just said that. Yeah, but I was clarifying. Because I'm an idiot. So this person is saying this to me even though I'm a floating skull? Yeah.

Great. I go and I give her a, like I nestle in, you know, I hug like this. I go, mother! Oh, my bony little darling. Oh, you haven't been eating. Come on, get in here. We'll get you a feed. And I turn to the rest of them and go, guys, I think the best thing to do with all these

is just go with it. Mommy! Oh, come on here. And she nuzzles you in between. Nuzzles? Yeah, nuzzles you in between her heaving bosom. Her evening bosom? Yeah, evening bosom. That's what I said.

For the sun is... But it's the middle of the day. But soon it will be evening. Look out, boys. Mum has got her evening buss amount. Yeah, that's right. I had a friend once who was on holidays and him and his brother insisted on coming to the table

in their board shorts with their shirts off. And their mum was like, you have to put on a shirt on the table. And they're like, fuck off, mum. And she went, all right. And she took off her shirt and sat there in her bra. And they're like, no! We'll never take off our shirts again!

there in her bra and they're like no we'll never take off our shirts again um the uh the mom her name is uh charlene um you can tell because she's got an apron on that says charlene the dream machine that's how you can tell lee wait is that a tattoo or is that written on her right yeah she's topless and it's written on... She's in a Southern Cross bikini and it's tattooed on her sagging gut. Too much? You're shaming, Charlene. No, she's an authentic character. Yeah, she owns it, to be fair.

What is this? What? I think we've fallen into a Tim Winton novel. Yeah, she owns it. What is this? I think we've fallen into a Tim Winton novel. Oh, okay. Alright, alright. Hello, Mother. I've just come back from the

surf. It's like it's vicious and wild, but it's home. sent wild but it's home. Oh. Ah, Fro, you always were creative. Go say hi to your dad. I'm the wild one! Go say hi to your dad, he's out the

back on the barbie. And as you walk through the house, you see your dad, armed with a pair of tongs in thongs and an apron and a set of stubbies again shirtless. What's tattooed on his chest? Rob the top dog. And then he's got the like the brand logo of the popular Big Dog T-shirt company. Yep, he's got it tattooed on so he never has to wear a shirt but he's got the brand logo of the popular Big Dog T-shirt company. Yep, yep, he's got it tattooed on.

So he never has to wear a shirt, but he's always wearing the shirt. Yeah, all right there, son. How are you? I'm good, Dad. I've just been grappling with puberty and the waves. Can I suggest that it's possible, Matt Roden? Yeah. I'd like your opinion on this,

that the only Tim Winton book that David Harmon has read is Locky Leonard, Human Torpedo. It's true. If we go for too long, I'm just going to start slipping into John Marston. You didn't even read Locky Leonard, Scumbuster? Wow, that was one laugh in the audience.

I love it. So, mate. Good to see you, Tim. Mate, it's good to see you this time of year as always. Just a quick question. Busted any scam lately? No wrong answers,

but I'll know. Busted any what? Scam. Into scam busting. What are you talking about? Yeah, what's Filch doing in this room? Oh, sorry. This is Filch, my half-orc friend.

Filch is a couple steps behind. She's been cornered in the hallway by her auntie, played by none other than Tom Walker. Oh, aren't you a wide one. Ah, round the shoulders. Ooh. So I don't know what you did after your divorce, but here's what I did after mine.

If you want me... Why are you pouring lemonade into a beer? Oh, darling, it's to fruit it up. It's less carbs if you confuse the liquids. Uh, auntie, uh, me forgot your name, sorry, uh, auntie Auntie, auntie Auntie, auntie, oh I was born to have a nephew or noose Uh, Moonika

Yo Um, uh, as you, uh, walk, uh, down the hall I'm floating. The young cousin of the family, Jim Bob, pops his head out of his bedroom door. Who's making so much noise? I'm trying to vacuum. Hey, who are you?

My name's Jim Bob. Oh, hey, Jim Bob. I'm Munica. You look kind of cool. Yeah, I am actually. People haven't realised yet, but I'm really cool. That's cool. Do you reckon...

I'll try and ask a few questions to my aunties, but they don't really want to give me an answer. Where do children come from? Preferably human ones. Well, as far as I know, everything comes from a... Say it. Say it. Say it.

Say it. Everything comes from a milky substance. Yay! One of us, one of us, one of us. Does that mean if I drink milk in the morning, I'll have a baby? As far as I know, you drink milk, you pee milk, anything milky will create more milky milkiness. Wow, you're fucking weird. Thank you. Mum pipes you're fucking weird. Thank you.

Mum pipes up from the lounge. All right, everyone, sit down. Dinner's being served. A cousin called Blebby. Could you just not think of a name? Literally any name? You don't have a... You could have

said any of the names of people you were looking at But it sounds too fancy, so he goes by Blevby. It's where they were conceived, right? Huh? It was where they were conceived. Huh? Oh, Blevby, yeah. His parents are from England. Anyway.

Everybody quiet. Quiet Blevby's got something to say. Guys, I just want to say, I know this is a family time, but I have an exciting business opportunity. And I've got a powerpoint for after dinner Blebby is this sorry everyone, Blebby honestly mum are we going to sit here and let Blebby ruin

another go with it everyone now Blebby's having a go of it alright, he's an entrepreneur we all deserve to give him the time of day because he's got good ideas I wasted $150 on his Tupperware last time. You'll get it back. No, I will say I've been looking for a

fourth or fifth multi-level marketing scheme. Really looking to pour myself into something. Hey, have you guys thought about me just pouring milk over everything? Let me. I've got a great idea. You pour the milk and then you churn the milk. End of story.

Guys, I'm really getting into it now. You're right, it is fun. When you just get on board with these cool guys. Yeah, I guess powdered milk probably would cut the heroin and then sort of spread it out a bit more. Oh, hang on a second. Wait, is your multi-level marketing scheme selling heroin? I don't want to talk over the top of everyone,

but what are we thinking New Year's resolutions? Me? Oh. I've heard of Nanette. And I reckon I'll give her a go. How many eps? You gonna binge Nanette? I've got a couple of weeks off over Jan and I'll put my feet up and have a good time. Cop this, this Sheila says there's nothing stronger than a broken woman. Would you believe it?

I reckon she's on to something. Boys, boys, boys. You all know you fall asleep five minutes into any Netflix special, all right? Don't be getting so ambitious. And Frio, because he's getting into it as well. Now, I remember 12 months ago around this table, I encouraged everyone

to invest in Bitcoin. And I said, oh, I'd like a bit of a coin. Yes, you did. And I got a Christmas. No, I don't want to talk over everyone. But I got a bit

of a Christmas coin, a chocolate coin, and I broke it. And I said a bit of a Christmas coin, a chocolate coin, and I broke it. And I said, here's a bit. And... Have you guys... No, I'll get this up on my phone. Have you...

No, it's coming. I can really see why you don't want to talk over everyone. He's a really muscly kangaroo. Hang on. He died today. He did. Look it up.

No, seriously. The muscly kangaroo died today. Now, Frojo, Dave can't upset your father with nonsense. I'm not. I'm not. Forget the facade. People need to know. We all know Trevor the Muscly Kangaroo will never die. If anyone needs me, I'll be out of the barbecue.

No reason. Honey, you've got to say grace for us all. I said no reason. All right. I guess we'll say grace without you thought. I said no reason. Alright. I guess we'll say grace without you then. Again. You've said a lot of things without me. Well I can't

be waiting around for you every time. I want to bloody go down to the shops and you won't drive me and I don't like to drive when I've had my nails painted and you're a bastard and there's been no love in this marriage for a long time. At that, Jeff goes over to the sound system and nudges it up.

Sorry, I don't want to talk over you there. Well then don't! That's an easy solution! Aunty, Aunty, settle have another shandy. I've had enough. I'm switching to lemonade and bourbon and also some dirt.

And Jeff's just trying to diffuse it and he's like, I'll give my love to Angus and the friend from Norway tellus. I'm afraid for no reason. Tell them all I'm sorry. You don't settle down, Charlie. I have a question. I'm going to run off with this nanny. I have a question.

Sorry. Has Gerv Zerbos turned up the radio or is he banging his head against it and nervously singing Paul Kelly's How to Make Gravy? He's doing that. It's not loud enough, so he's doing that. Interestingly, in every single dimension, including the milk dimension, there is Paul Kelly's How to Make Gravy. He's doing that. It's not loud enough, so he's doing that. Interestingly, in every single dimension, including the milk dimension, there is Paul Kelly's How to Make Gravy.

In the milk dimension, it is How to Make Milk. Interestingly, there's not gravy in all of those dimensions. It's a mysterious song. Some of them see it as like a religious text. A prophecy of the next coming. Salt, it's like the body of Christ. They've just had salt, little red wine and devolved tomato sauce. What is this thing?

Frojo, you're your father's eldest. Say the grace. All right. If everyone could just take hands of each other. Don't you fucking touch me. Jerf is like, I'm going to let that one slide. And every time I try to grab people's hands, milk just falls on their hands. each other. Don't you fucking touch me. Jerf is like, I'm going to let that one slide. And every time I try to grab people's hands milk just falls on their hands.

It's been a hell of a 12 years for the family. Flemington's family. Sorry, Flemington, Flemington? Nan's been real crook Aunty found the pokies again Dad's gone down the shops without Mum so many times

Mum forgot what he looked like Mum be down the dad so many times Some shops don't know what you mean Yes, I say, it takes a sip But one thing ties us Flemingtons together I say, it takes a sip. But one thing ties us Flemingtons together. And that is the blood feud that we have waged these past three years with the Manchester family next door. Kill those bloody men!

No, no, no! Kill those bloody men. We have reassembled the clan. Auntie is cutting her hand with a knife. Little Jimmy Bob's run out of his room. He hasn't been there the entire time. He's been vacuuming the entire time. And he goes, those sons of bitches. Those Manchesters think they're so good.

I hate them. With their ways and their two-car garage. Let me tell you something. What's wrong with a carport? There's a brief lull at the table, and from outside the window, you hear a voice saying, Flamingtons, come out and play. And the room turns white. And let's thank Tom Walker and Matt Roden.

Of the Flemington plan. Was the wind condition there ruining someone's Christmas? Oh, no. You get off the stage, Tom. Yeah, you want me to leave? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do something different to what we talked about. Yes, Tom. Oh, that's cool.

Because we already did something different when I played an auntie instead of the young cousin I was told I was going to play. Yeah, but you did bloody great. Yeah. You did so good. Did you change Cardi and Walker on the fly? What's that, Tom? Did you get your character stolen?

Oh! Oh! I let my guard down. I'm sorry, Tom. No, it's all right. I'm going to sit down here for about 30 seconds or so. No, no. We're doing a scene. Oh, great.

I'm sorry. It's my fault. Oh, the milk dimension. But not for long. Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk. Oh, just while we're in the milk dimension. But not for long. Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk. Oh, just while we're in the milk dimension, how's everyone feeling? Confused. Is it always like this?

Maybe it's ice pie. Froyo's actually having a great time and he's like, you know, Friso, is it here? I just remembered. And I just want to say that every year it seems I'm tangled up with you dragon friends and every year

my year is ruined by Friso Frisofferson, the cousin that I have wanted to know my whole life who I'm starting to think is a shit. And this is the first time we've spent time together, Filge. Yeah, nice.

You're alright. I don't think my problem is with the dragon friends. You know, there may be a spot opening up in the dragon friends. Shouldn't have gone to New York, King. It gets less bright. Or brighter. I forget which way we do this. But then it gets less bright again.

And suddenly, there you are. The year is 1990. The crisp biting air of a mild Chicago winter frosts the outside of the windows and fogs the insides. Your inside. Such that the shapes attempting to peer through are rendered indistinct.

Can I ask a quick question? Yes. So we can go infinitely to any cosmos, any world, any place imaginable, and we have gone to the 1800s Earth, the 1995 Earth, then we went back to about the 1980s Earth, and we are now at 1990s Earth? Why does Doctor Who go to Earth? It's because stuff happens there.

Deal with it. End of story. Case closed, David. Continue, please. Why am I having to do the ad? You guys take a moment to sort of take your bearings and see where you are. You see a big staircase sweeping up behind you. And you see a bean.

A big metal bean. That's what's in Chicago. They're in like North Shore Chicago. Also a lot of mid-century architecture. And there's a river. You see two figures obscured by the frost outside the door. And you hear a voice. We know you're in there.

And the other one says... The other one says, it's Sandy Claus. And his little elf. Am I holding a flamethrower and or a clutching... Not yet. Alright. The other one says, it's Santy Claus and his little elf. Am I holding a flamethrower and or a clutching? Not yet. All right. You're transfixed by the menace in their voices and concentrate staring at the door that separates you. Transfixed in the moment by the doorknob of the door engraved in base relief to depict a regal letter M.

Something inside you tells you that these men are not indeed Santy Claus and his little elf. And they are not to be trifled with. As you hear them make their way down the path past manicured hedges, you hear threats of their return and know that it is only a matter of time. We'll return in a matter of time. Is one of them bald and is one of them wearing a beanie? One of them is Joe Pesci. I get it.

So everybody do a quick perception check. Don't tander. Is this to tell whether we know what the movie is? I got a six. I got a 17. Anyone want to roll our card? I got a 20. Okay.

Well, Froyo, it seems to you that the only way out of this is to make some improvised traps. Okay. And it occurs to you that there are sufficient items around you in the house. So we're in the house? You're inside the house. What room are we in?

You're in sort of the front foyer, but you know. And you would say that some wet bandits are about to sneak in? I don't think they have that name yet. Maybe. So, time is of the essence. So, each of you are going to choose a number, and there will be items inside these envelopes. Filge?

Three. Number three for you. Two! Number two for you, Ben, and number one for you, Dave. You are magic, so you can do whatever you want. Woo-hoo! So, Phil, would you go first and tell us what is on your list? Yes.

Don't read it in a bad way. What is on your list, Phil? Your items. Oh, fuck yeah. A remote-controlled car. An air horn. 75 sharpened lead pencils with rubbers on the end. A cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan.

A cardboard cutout of Michael B. Jordan. Wait, if this is 1990, so he would be about, is he like the Y age? He's a baby. It's a little tiny baby. How old is Michael B. Jordan in 1990? We need to do a fact check on that. He's three. Three.

And a can full of live bees. Okay. Dave? I have an iron, a taxidermied elk head, a lovely cheese pizza just for me, a stash of printed pornography, a dead dog, brackets German shepherd, a box full of live bees and a gun. And, uh... Jerf.

Jerf, what have you got in your... Jerf has golden syrup. Yep. Maple syrup. Yep. Treacle. Uh-huh. Molasses.

Yep. Slight change Uh-huh. Molasses. Yep. Slight change of pace. Fire. Yep, and? And a beautiful singing voice. Okay, Phil. Phil, it's only a matter of time. So just so you know.

So let's split up and go into different rooms. So you can, whatever you want, you can have, you've sort of got unlimited basic hardware, as much rope, extension cord, electricity. How much time do we have? You've got pretty much 10 seconds. Moonika, you can make something out of whatever's left as well.

They leave behind. We're making a trap? Yeah, you want to build a trap. Filch, what are you going to make? Okay, I'm going to get the cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan. I'm going to put it in the window. Uh-huh. Am I explaining how the whole thing is going to work? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, and then I'm going to get a can full of live beads. I'm going to tape it to the back of Michael Jordan's hand. I'm going to get a remote control car and I'm going to stick the air horn on top and I'm going to make it into a Mad Max car with all the lead pencils sticking out. And then the cardboard cutout of Michael B. Jordan I'm just going to keep in my back pocket for now.

Okay, great. Ben? Oh, okay. Okay. Alright, I'm going to take a leaf out of the text upon which Home Alone is based, the Odyssey, and I'm going to try and lure some of these wet bandits onto some rocks. And by rocks, I mean fire.

So I'm going to get my golden syrup, maple syrup, and treacle, and molasses. Oh, okay. All four. And I'm going to lead it down a corridor. Yep. Right? And it's going to intensify as it goes in terms of thickness. Yep.

And then I'm going to put my beautiful singing voice at the end of that. Right? Yep. And I'm going to keep the fire in my back pocket. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave? All right, I'm going to take the iron, plug it in,

heat it up to about 120 degrees. Classic. I'm going to tie it over and heat it up so that the door handle heats up. I'm going to take the texidermied elk head, use the horns to sort of counter lever a rope so that I can suspend the dead dog over the fire escape so that they think that the German shepherd will attack them. The stash of pornography will be counter-bait. The cheese pizza will be the actual bait laid under the door

and then I'm going to shoot the bandits with my gun. Munica, do you have a plan? How many doors are in this house? How many doors in total? Yeah. 17. Great. So I'm going to make 17 holes at the entrances of all the doors so that any time they come in, they just fall down into the pit.

Ah, the classic pit trap. I love it. All right. Um, I guess the wet Bandits come back in. Yeah, and they... Who do they encounter first? I'm going to get each of you to roll for the success of your traps. But I haven't...

Okay, okay. How many... Yeah, what Alex? How many sided dice? I want to show it. Okay, yeah, yeah. Tell me. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so the short, bald one comes in and says,

I'm Joe Pesci. He does that throughout Home Alone. It's incredible. They couldn't get a take where he doesn't do it. He does it in Goodfellas. For God's sake, you're playing a character who's not you. Yeah, but I'm Joe Pesci. But they don't, oh God.

Okay, talk us through the trap, Alex. Okay, so I'm standing behind Michael Jordan and I say, Yoo-hoo! Michael Jordan here, who wants a big high five? He fails that roll, so he goes to high five Michael Jordan.

Joe Pesci goes, Oh my God, like Mike. If I could be like Mike. And he lunges forward to high-five the cardboard cutout. And then as he does it, that releases all the beads and they fly onto his face. Ah, Joe Pesci's face. And he takes several bee damage. Yes.

Ben. Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern, is he, okay, he hears. Yes Um Ben Daniel Stern Daniel Stern Is he Okay he hears Um And he And Daniel Stern says

I didn't realise then But this was probably The most beautiful song That I'd ever heard In my childhood It's a Wanda years reference Whatever Is he the voice

Of the Wanda years Yeah he's Old Fred Savage Wait one of the bandits What Daniel Yeah, he's old Fred Savage. Wait, one of the bandits? Daniel Stern. Oh. That's not true, is it? It's 100% true. Let's move on. So he hears

exactly that, but out of a beautiful singing voice and it's down the end of a corridor. Okay, roll charisma. Roll charisma. I will do so now. Don't rush me. That is a 15 So plus 5 singing voice, that's a 20 So he's lured down the hall

And as he gets Yeah, it sounds just like that This is my scat setting And then as he walks down He gets stickier and stickier Until he's finally stuck And then I burn him to death Okay can you roll for fire sure that is an 18 that is almost to death okay oh these years aren't so wonderful

okay Joe Pesci I like covered bees, wanders into the next room. Dave? And stumbles back towards you. Wait, if he enters through a door, he would have fallen into one of these. Munica's traps. Falls into a trap. Joe Pesci's down a hole again. But Daniel Stern, covered in flames, wanders, enticed subconsciously by the smell of pizza and pornography.

And he tries the door, and it's too hot, and he tries to go through the fire escape engine, and then he sees a German shepherd reared up on its hind legs, and so he dodges around, stumbles on fire around the corner to find an elf with a gun. You see, Frojo, that he's quite badly burned. 21! Okay, you've already shot him.

And he... Boy, oh boy. This stirs something in my blood. Yeah. You really are a freeze officer. And with that, the curdling screams of Joe Pesci turn to curdling milk.

As the white snow of Chicago 1990 morphs into the milky depths of the milk dimension. Mention, mention, mention. Did I mention we're in the milk dimension and the milky milk curdled chunks turns to the slow pattering fall of snow and the smell of I'm trying my best guys and the smell of pine needles fills your nose and burning wood as you find yourself on a trail in the woods around a campfire. And sitting across from you, you see the grizzled figure of a warrior. A great sword strapped across his back, His head lowered, a hood over his head And this wanderer of the woods, this grizzled warrior

Will be played by none other than Tom Walker! G'day, Tom. Hi, guys. That was really good. The Home Alone stuff was really, really good. I loved it. It was really good. Anyway, yeah.

So these people have appeared. Yeah, the warrior raises his head regarding you. Hail! These are strange lands indeed, but I wasn't expecting someone to make such a sudden entrance to a campfire. Greetings.

Me Filch. I am Jurf. I'm Freyo Friesopherson. Pleased to meet you. This is Tracy. She Milko. Don't be rude.

I'm the Dairy Queen. I'm a queen. Hail Milko and the rest. I'll take it. What land is this, stranger? Why, the land is a cruel and inhospitable place. Not worth naming. If you ask me where

I come from, then I can tell you that. Okay. I am what whom of whomville. Fuck off. I am on a quest to avenge a great wrong done to my people. The whoms.

Is this like a Dr. Seuss situation? I do not know what good doctor you speak of, but regardless, one of such education would not be found in the wilds of Whomville. And he sits there, sits there on a log, and as you sit there, your mind jogs. It jogs and jigs and jigs and jaggles. And his ears begin to waggle. He talks a bit. Which one of you would care to share this green egg and ham?

Me, please. Wonderful. And he does so without writing. I do not like it. Filge, I am. Every now and again, your mannerisms and Filge's mannerisms sync up perfectly and it's when you're really happy with the joke of your own. It's basically like... Who is this who has wronged you?

It is a... It is a fearsome creature. Oh, Fuck off. Standing tall, tormenting our town for countless ages, but only recently grown stronger. We attempted to defeat it just last year. We cast a spell, but it only made its heart grow three times the size. Which, of course, made it three times the size. Which of course made it three times as strong.

Due to the vast amount of oxygenated blood coursing its fetid green body. I speak of course of the Yulmus-hating scum, the Granch. This is so fucked. The Granch, was it so fucked. The Granch was it? How do we spell that? The Granch.

G-R-A-N-C-H. Is the Granch sometimes played by Jom Corey? There are tales of a myth told far in our past by an over animatedanimated facial man. It was poorly reviewed. I think Bonadict Comberbunch is in the new one.

Yeah, apparently it's pretty bad. I don't know. Anyway, I'm on a quest. What can we do to help you take down this Granch? Oh, it is a fearsome beast. What I come to do is avenge my people. He did a great vengeance upon our town, and now I seek to inflict that on him. He took babies in his hands and clapped.

He caught whom's newlyweds and tied them behind a carriage and sped away so they clattered like cans. He stabbed our knife salesman in the throat, which he'd previously used to sell knives.

And he stole my wife's favorite neck. I aim to still this beast's breath. Hey, you know, if your son is upset that his mother's dead, this way you can just get him a toy or something is my understanding Children Anyway, we should attack this branch

Do you know any weaknesses? Where it lays? Where it sleeps? Where we can find it for you? The beast has been told to be weak to only Yulmus cheer But it is hard for me to summon a smile in these hard times.

Seeing as how my wife is, as I said, newly neckless. Suddenly you hear a cracking of branches. Hail! And a thud of feet on snow?

Nice. As the trees part and the horrible visage of the Grinch stomps into the campsite. Alrighty then. Initiative.

Grinch, you have the element of surprise would you like to attack someone I'm gonna I'm gonna do just while you're deciding I'd like to clarify that the Granch kind of looks like it's like a green elven creature covered in fur but due to it's

outsized heart it has a giant pulsing growth on its left chest. The Grinch is taking too long to decide. Famous Grinch hunter whom of... What whom of whomville?

What would you like to do? I charge at the beast, greatsword drawn. Make an attack roll. Alright. Time for me to do that. Greatsword drawn. Make an attack roll. Alright. Time for me to do that. That's a six. You do a big old swing and a miss and bury your

sword head into a log. Twas a bad sword after all. Jerf Zabos floating through the sky. What would you like to do? I'm going to do a cloud of dust. Okay. I only read the first sentence of this, so let's see how it goes. You also have a gnaw attack, which I gave you.

Like that? Yeah, just a little gnaw. What I'm going to do is I'm going to, it's a free action, and I'm going to, am I within 10 feet of him? Yeah. Sure. That says each creature within 10 feet. I'm within 10 feet.

Yeah, well'll enjoy that and Basically, I'm gonna whip up a bunch of dust. Yeah, and he you got a beta DC 15 Maybe saving through please or be blinded for the rest of my turn Well, I'm blind blind I am also blind the Grinch The Grinch got a 17. And the Grinch like waves his hand in front of his face and steps outside of the cloud and Dustin says, Do not go in there!

Uh, Grinch? It's until the end of my turn though that people are blind. So that was a free action so I'm just gonna try and bite the... Next turn, next turn. Oh, my turn, though, that people are blind. So that was a free action, so I'm just going to try and bite the... Next turn, next turn. Oh, next turn. Sorry, guys. Okay, so Grant, you're the only one who passed. You've got a free action. I grab a stick from the fire.

Yep. And I fling it at the hunter and I say, Smoking! Make an attack roll. That's a 17. That's a hit and you do 2d6 damage. Oh, you take 12 points of damage. And would that be, does everyone get a go now,

or do you get another attack? Well, we all miss one go, or we're disadvantaged for a go, because we're all blind. Yeah, so you get another free attack on them before it resets. Sorry, everyone! Are you going to advance on the... Who said that? Are you going to continue to advance on what whom of whomville?

Yeah, I'm going to go right up to him and turn around and put my hand on my butt cheeks and make my butt talk. And out of the Granch's butt comes a spewing gust of flame as the... Cannon. Roasting what whom of whomville in a barbecue of fire, taking another 12 points of damage. Oh, boy. Oh, he's not looking well.

Jeff, the cloud having now cleared, it's up to you again. Me? Yeah. I'm going to try and bite him in his heart. Okay, make an attack roll. Oh, you're going to try and gnaw that pulsing heart off. I'm going to try and gnaw the pulsing heart. That is an 18.

Yeah, that's hit. Do some damage to him. I'm going to do some damage. What damage do I get, David? D- you get D4 plus 1. I'm not the authority figure anymore. With your tiny jaws. That is a 4. 4 damage!

Yeah, take that, sucker. Froyo, what would you like? I'm glad you asked. I'm gonna cast the third level evocation spell, Lightning Bolt. But before I do, I'm going to say, be gone, foul creature. And if I do not see you again upon this realm, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

And that is 4, 9, 11, 15, 21, 27, 35, 38, 39 points of damage. And he says, he says, somebody help me. I'm being spontaneously combusted. It's from Truman Show. Wait. He says, somebody stopped me. Yeah. And with that, the Grinch lies in a pool of his own flaming, charred, dusty fur. And what whom of whomville says to you as you fade into white?

Thank you, travelers. I bid you come to my home now and fuck my wife. Which we have previously established is dead. He took her neck. That hasn't been... I have more than one wife, so we haven't established much of about whom, Bill.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tom Walker! I'm so sorry. Is dead wives a Christmas theme? Yes, sure is. And as the milky snow turns to snowy milk, it swirls once again to form a snowy scene

as you find yourself at a familiar place, a familiar cabin where you have both been before. And you see in the distance a familiar form step out of the door and walk towards town as the snows start to swirl around you in a great maelstrom. You there! Filch yells out.

And he turns to see you, looks confused, and you see as he turns that it's Friso. And as he turns, a great gust of snow whips him up, and you see ahead of you a column, a great spinning column of snow. What is this, Friso?

Oh, this seems some... Filge, I'm so sorry. I've been drinking. And Froyo, make a perception check. Okay, that is a 19. You see behind you walking towards town

someone who looks like you. Is it Friso? No, because you saw Friso going in the other direction. Chase them down! I go... I try to creep up on that person. I go... Okay, I try to creep up on that person. I use stealth to sneak up on them.

They're quite a ways. They're probably like 40 yards ahead. Can I run towards them? Yeah, you could. All right. I start running, keeping them in the tree line, and I leave Filch behind, and I start running forward trying to see.

Sure, sure, sure. You see... Make an insight check. That is a 13. Yeah. It's you, but you look younger. So we've been here before. Can I just watch?

What's happening? I'm walking towards town. Yeah, but he is walking towards town, but he's kind of got another eddy of snow kind of drifts and spins around him as well. I look back at Filch and I sort of beckon to come forward. Okay. What's Friso doing at this point?

Friso disappeared into the eddying whirl of snow. Okay, run towards Froyo. Okay. You guys are at each other now. Which Froyo? The closer Froyo? Ground Froyo. What?

The one that's not in the sky. That's sky Froyo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ground Froyo. This Froyo right here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Now Froyo.

I don't like this. This seems too familiar. Wait, I don't... Wait, do we recognise this place? Yeah. What else can we see besides some snow? How can we recognise it if it's just snow? So you saw...

A cabin. You saw a cabin. You saw... You actually saw Bobby push Friso out of the cabin. Oh. In the direction of town and Froyo sort of um so cabin or tavern a cabin a cabin cabin cabin look at that look at ball from the french so there's a cabin and bobby pushed friso out and froyo is walking towards him or a different way so froyo at the other Frollo... Got separated. Got separated. Got separated from Friso. Yeah.

Oh, shit. What would you like to do? This is... I think you were asleep. This is the... We've been here before. This was the first... Oh, yeah, Alex was overseas. Explain it for Filch's character.

This was the first... You must, Filch. This was... Remember, I'd been invited by my cousin, Friso, to have you almost with you. And I came, and you, I'd been invited by my cousin Friso to have Yilmus with you. And I came and you were asleep and Bobby got angry at Friso because Friso didn't have a present for you and we had to go to town to get one.

So I get another present? That has not been established. Is that what's important to you here? You may still think about that golden toy. Okay, alright. Perception check. I got all right. Perception check. I got an eight.

Yeah, same. Okay. I'm still here, by the way. Oh, yeah, Jeff. I'm not really part of this. Do you want to do a perception check? Yeah, why not? I got a four.

I'm 14. 14. Munica pipes up and says, that swirling storm is moving towards us. So I'm just trying to remember back three years ago. This was Friso. I was with Friso, and we were going to town, and then the storm whipped up, and we got separated. And I tried to find Friso, and when I found Friso, he...

And with that, the storm engulfs you. You see a flash of red on your left and a flash of red on your right. And you see in the middle of this swirling maestrum, Friso locked in a duel with the Yulmus King. Suddenly, the Yulmus King lashes out with his rapier, opening a crimson gash on Friso's side. Friso exclaims, Ah! Fuck you!

Unleashing a witch bolt, Friso burns a hole in the Yulmus king's side. The Yulmus king has a long, flowing beard, a golden crown, and a red cape drifting behind him. And they fight each other. Can we stop Friso from killing the Yulmus king? If we stop Friso from killing the Yulmus king, then the Yulmus isn't over. And Friso doesn't have to become the Yulmus King. And I'll have never been born.

Sorry, I'm just... I'm trying to contribute. You remember... Sorry? You remember, Froyo, that, yes, in order to stay in your native dimension, you must make some meaningful change. Okay. We have a plan. Go on.

Moonika. Yep. You can fly, right? Yeah. So why don't you fly up and you can fight Friso. Because God knows the boy just needs someone to fight. Or, but don't do it by yourself Here

I've still got this cardboard cut out of Michael B. Jordan Munica Munica what are you going to do? I'm going to grab the Michael B. Jordan is the little kid right? And I grab it under my wing And I fly up And I also learnt that I can do dancing lights

and so I cast a spell of dancing lights to just attract the Yulmus King's attention Okay, you're attacking the Yulmus King Is that what I'm, wait, what am I meant to do? I'm attacking Friso Okay, so Friso is unfazed and is not distracted

by your lights Jeff I look around and realise that is unfazed and is not distracted by your lights. Jeff. I look around and realise that something needs to be done and that I've lived a life of, I mean, selfishness is putting it lightly. I'm sort of an evil lich. But maybe this is a time for a Christmas miracle and what needs to be done, meaningful change. And I go, Stacey, I'm coming to help you!

And, uh, Jeff flies up and gets Frieza's attention by, I assume, I mean, Cloud of Dust didn't go great last time, so... Please sarcastic that again. So I think I'm going to try and bite him on his butt. You're going to try and bite Frieza's butt? Make an attack roll.

Just seven. Plus! It's an eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, make an attack roll. Just seven. Plus! It's an eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hit Friso. Right on the ass. D4 plus one damage to his butt. D4 plus one. You got one, you got a D4.

That is eight. Oh, five damage. Friso sucks. So, distracted, the Yulmus King turns his attentions to you, Froyo, and says, Ah, I think you can kill me. Why don't you try? Bilge, I think he thinks I'm Friso.

Don't pretend to be Friso. Distract the Yulmus King and we'll take down Friso? She said confidently. He lunges at you with his rapier. Oh, but I've already been hit. Yep, but he misses you, luckily. You have an attack. Filch, I want to be very clear.

When people talk about what I'm doing, I did not do this for Friso. I have discovered over the last three years I have extremely complicated feelings about my cousin. You must tell that story. Do you understand? Got it. Been listening the whole time.

I'm doing this for you. And for Bobby. And the other one. And I cast Witch Vault at the Yilmiss King. Make an attack roll. And I miss. Phil, it's your turn. I'm going to yell up at Frizo.

Yeah. I'm going to get his attention. I'm going to bait him. All right. What do you say to him? Hey, Frizo. You better come down here. There's someone talking about your bad chonkas.

They're telling the whole town. They're making a PowerPoint presentation of how bad your chongus is. And they're sending it around to everyone. And he says, there's a skull biting my butt. He also says, that wasn't canon until season three. That's all future talk. Make an attack. Munica.

Munica says Friezo. Hey, guys, just really quickly, who are we against and who are we for right now? I think we're trying to take down Friezo. We're trying to take down Friezo. Great. Well, I'm going to do. What are you going to do? Well, I'm being pointed at Dispel Magic. Okay.

Yeah, you could do that. On Friezo, which I don't know. You could try Sleep on him. I'm going to make him fall asleep. Yeah, try it. Yeah, You could try sleep on him. I'm going to make him fall asleep. Yeah, try it. Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to make him fall asleep. 18.

18. But he's an elf. Don't they have, they can't make them asleep? That's a one. Oh, you make him drowsy. Okay. Yeah, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Phil, you're yelling.

You'll miss King. I've got 15 hitmus King. I've got 15 hit points left. You've got 15 hit points left. The Yulmus King lashes out. Oh, and does a 20. Oh, boy. He gashes you down the side, Frojo, and does 12 points of damage to you. 12 points of damage to you.

But it is your right of reply to attack. Kill me! Kill me, you sack of shit! All right, fuck it, I'm gonna call Switchbolt one more time. What's his armor class? Like, negligible. All right, great, I have plus seven,

so 14, so I need to get a seven. Oh! You miss again. The number two. That's my last. Oh, God. Jeff, what would you like to do? Okay, I will...

If I kill the Yulmus King... You become the Yulmus King Yeah, that seems quite powerful And that stops Friso from becoming the Yulmus King I bite him in the throat The Yulmus King Make an attack roll on the Yulmus King Oh, that's a hit

Doing D4 damage D4 again Yep, D4 plus one for you are truly powerful. Two! So the Yulmus king is like, yes, suck that life out of me. But he's got a skull attached to his neck, but he's not dead yet. He's prone. Filch.

Can I jump into the eddy and, like, join everyone in the sky? Can I try to do that? People are fighting on the ground. And like join everyone in the sky Can I try to do that People are fighting on the ground Oh they're on the ground now Oh I thought they were in the sky this whole time But Friso's kind of drowsy and slumped Okay I'm just going to pin Friso down I'm just going to put my entire body weight on him

Okay great great you grappled Friso Because he's drowsy Milk boy, lady, Munica Milk lady Dairy queen Milko because he's drowsy. Yeah. Milk Boy. Lady. Moonika. Milk Lady. Yeah. Dairy Queen. Dairy Queen. Please.

Milko. Milko. Yeah, Milko. What would you like to do? I'm going to... I've got confusion, so I'm going to try and confuse... Freezo.

The bad... Freezo is... You can confuse the Yulmus King, though. I'll confuse the Yulmus King. Yeah, yeah, make it, make it. Yeah, yeah, roll the dice. 17. 17. He fails his saving throw.

So I have advantage now. Yeah, you have advantage. All right. Froyo, you have advantage. This is my last. If you would like to attack. I will take it. Spell slots.

I gave you heaps of good spells. Yeah, I'm just, it feels like it has to be Witch Bolt. Isn't it? Like, if I'm going to take Friso's position, I'm going to cast Witch Bolt. All right.

And this is a seven with advantage. So one of these dice has to be a seven, which is going to happen because there is no God. And with that crackling eldritch energy hits spears into the Yulmus king's chest and explodes as he falls to the ground and says, Ah, finally, sweet, sweet death. But he's not dead yet.

He gestures to you like a creepy disembodied hand in a sex club. To me? Yes. And he says to you, Elf, you take my life, but by the same hand, you take my curse. And a sharp gust of wind spins and blows the eddying snow around you away as it dissipates. And with that, the body is gone. Suddenly, your hair turns to white. You sprout a long white beard.

A heavy red cape unfurls from your shoulders. beard. A heavy red cape unfurls from your shoulders. Five concentric rings appear around your head, clamping down, forming a gold crown which emerges from your head. Proyo, you have transformed into the Yulmus King. Filch, don't be alarmed. This is the way it should be. I take Friso's place. I become the Yulmus King. That means that Yulmus begins again and presence will flow to all creatures through the multiverse. This power doesn't go to Friso. It goes to me and I will use this power responsibly. We shall have Yulmus again and I swear to you now.

I swear it on the first Yulog and the final elf that this power shall be used well for for next Yulmas, I will be the one that kills Friso, Frisopherson. And so, this Yulmas Eve, though the dragon friends are splintered across the multiverse, The dragon friends are splintered across the multiverse. Their future unknown, one certainty has returned to the world of Faerun. As Frojo, newly crowned Yulmus King, rides across the sky this night,

the dragon friends sleep soundly in the knowledge that the children of the world will once again awake to see their wishes granted and stocking stuff with presents on Yulmas morning. Thank you, everybody. Good night. Guys, thanks for a wonderful year. Merry Yulmas. The Dragon friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing, Ben Jenkins and Dave Harmon

and were DM'd this Yulmas Eve by me, Eden Lacey and Simon Greiner. Our guests this week were Claire Kavanagh, Matt Roden and Tom Walker. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed by Beth McMullen and recorded live at the Giant Dwarf Theatre with music this episode by Tom Carty. See you in 2019. Bye!