Dumb People Town - 21: Minisode: Johnny Pemberton - Glove Your Junk

Episode Date: June 15, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Johnny Pemberton (Action Point, Live to Tape) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a man is arrested for walking naked through his neighborhood.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan. And jerk, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Pemberton. Johnny Pemberton. Pembertown. Population me. It is Population you. Population Pemberton. Johnny Pemberton.

Pembertown. Population me. It is Population you. How are you, dude? I'm sweet. You are sweet. I'm a sweet little guy. You're like Pembertown coming to Dumb People.

Oh, shit. It's Pembertown and Dumb People Town. Pembertown. Population always changing. Always changing. Dude, what is happening with you? I know you're working all the time. You have a podcast here.

Yeah. You've got a movie coming out this summer, too. Yeah, Live the Tapes comes out every week here on the same network. Starbirds, Inc. Yes. Movie comes out June 1st. Which is? The theater's near you.

It's called Action Point. Have you guys seen the trailer for this yet? No, please not. Oh, my God. It looks insane. It's not so. Tell Iowa whatever you want to do. Because Dan wants to do it.

I should say first before I forget about it, I'm touring in June. Yes. Starting June 6th in Boston and then New York June 7th. Where are you playing in Boston? Boston is some Tavern, Tavern 730. I'm doing two shows there. Great, nice. Nice.

And then I'm doing New York, doing Union Hall on Friday, and then Philadelphia on Saturday at Good Good. Sunday is Washington, D.C. at the Big Hunt. I think that's 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

I think it's 10th. Nice. 11th in Norfolk, 12th in Wilmington, North Carolina and 13th in Charlotte. Nice. We booked all these places.

These all sound like great tight venues. It's all cool like rock venues and stuff. That's phenomenal. I'm looking forward to it. The action point is, it's like a scripted jackass movie. Basically, yeah.

But the other thing about it is that, you guys know about Action Park in New Jersey? Yes, I've heard of it. It's an amusement park. It was an amusement park. But no longer. So there's grass growing up through the cement, basically. Through the blood on the cement. Oh, nice.

Because people died. Six people have died, but not in a bad way. Probably having the best time of their whole life. With smiles on their faces. They went out doing something they loved. I think so. It was the place that was kind of run by drunks and stoners. What amusement park is it?

Well, this place was like, well, notorious for that. Okay. And this was like, its heyday was late 70s. It was in New Jersey. And I think in, I can't think what city exactly,

but someplace in New Jersey. And this movie is essentially that story to a T, except just not in the same place. Wow. Same time period, everything. Every stunt in the movie is actual. Like Jackass. Everything. Wow. Everything I did too. Same time period, everything. Every stunt in the movie is actual. Like Jackass.

Everything. Everything I did, too. Really, dude? Were you fearful? That's what I wanted to ask you. Were you afraid for your safety or your physical safety? You had to have a couple of, like, oh, shit moments. The only thing I was ever scared of was Knoxville constantly trying to hit me in the nuts.

Yeah, well. Which he never did. He never successfully got me in the nuts. No? No. But he was trying. He got my nipple once in the in the nuts. No? No. But he was trying. He got my nipple once in the grocery store

on a Sunday. But that was it. That had nothing to do with him. Yeah, that was just hanging out. That just happened to me in the grocery store.

I can't wait to see it, man. Literally, I watched it and to me, I was just like, this feels... Action point. Yes, it feels... I hope this is a compliment to you

because it's one coming from me. It feels... I'm ready to take it the wrong way. Don't do it. It's going to fight you. It felt something in the spiritual vein of like a dazed and confused, of just like these young people doing what they wanted to do,

like a slice of life in time where it was like, we're not concerned with all the shit that people are today. I don't know. It's definitely, that's the whole thrust of the movie is like this time when people. Simpler time. Yeah. I guess the word that they use a lot is personal responsibility. Yes.

A lot of that. So if you get hurt, it's your fault kind of thing. Yeah. A hundred percent. You actually take responsibility, which is something people don't do at all. In Dumb People Town. For anything. In Dumb People Town.

Well, we are in Dumb People Town and dumb people do dumb things. It's actually a perfect segue to get into this. I just realized it couldn't be more perfect. Couldn't be more perfect for this. No, no. The movie is like a setup for this show. Exactly. And we believe that the world is getting

dumber at this point. Oh, yeah. It almost might be peak dumb. It is. I hope, because then we'd start going down the other side of that mountain. I hope it's peaking. Maybe peak regional dumb. American dumb is peak, but I don't know about... No, dumb is rising all over the world.

What do you got? All right, here we go. Ready? Yeah. Sent in by Miss Cupcake at Pepper Longsocks. I like both those names. Pepper Longstocks is... No, Pepper Longsocks.

Pepper Longstocks is Pippi Longstockings. At Pepper Longstocks? Pepper Longsocks. That's a cool website. Yeah. That's got to be a fetish thing. Pippi Longstockings, evil stepsister. Or lesbian aunt. Either way. Fine with either. Lesbian aunt.ippi Longstocking's evil stepsister. Or lesbian aunt.

Either way. Fine with either. Lesbian aunt. Or dog. Lesbian dog. It's like her lesbian dog is Pepperstocks. Alright, thanks Ms. Cupcake. Here we go. A golf breeze man. Sounds like a drink, doesn't it? A golf breeze man is the guy who walks the bar and is like... Golf breeze. That has to be Florida, right? It's a guy in a white suit who just can play. I'll have two Golf Breezes. Are you drinking with anybody?

Nope. They're for me. A Golf Breeze man is like a guy who has made a lot of money and his brother who works his whole life hates him. Yeah. I'm a Golf Breeze man, bro. Golf Breezes are never served in actual glasses. They're only served in plastic cups.

They're also only ordered this way. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Let me have a Golf Breeze. They're also only ordered this way. Sweetheart? Sweetheart? Let me have a golf breeze. To a male or female bartender. Hi, sweetheart? Sweetheart? Let me have a golf breeze. And the guy's like, excuse me? Male bartender? Where's Mindy? Mindy? She's on break. Oh, I hate those guys.

And then also they order. They get your attention verbally and then order non-verbally. They go, sweetheart? And then they just point down to their drink and make a circular motion. As in like round it up? Yeah. Wrap it up? Sweetheart.

I don't know what you're doing. Round it up? Wrap it up? I don't care if this is a podcast. This moment is something I love for us. You want another one? Sweetheart. Sweetheart.

Sweetheart. Sweetheart. And then doesn't say. Or shaking the ice. Sweetheart. Come on now. Shaking the ice. Giggling.

Come on now. I got a tea time, but it's coming up fast. I need a couple of golf raises. And they keep slightly insulting, be like, I don't mind waiting this long. You don't have to when Katie's here, though. You don't have to wait this long when Katie's here. By now, I would have had two. Katie, you still seeing that good-for-nothing boyfriend? All right.

Sweetheart. I need to talk to him. If he needs a job, he ain't gonna get it from me because I've seen him coming around here late. Jingling, jingling, jingling. A golf race man was arrested for allegedly walking completely naked through a

Woodlawn Way neighborhood Thursday evening. Woodlawn Way sounds more like a store than it does a neighborhood. The completely naked walkthrough is someone who is, at first, you are like, I can't believe I'm doing this.

And then it is incredibly liberating. Yes. Well, that's what the golf breeze is. That is good. You can let that golf breeze get up underneath it. It goes between the golf and your legs.

That's right. Just let it breeze on up. Joseph John Musso, Jingleheimer, Schwent. His name's my name too. I know. Joseph John Musso

JJM if you're nasty JJM JJ You know it's JJ You know he goes by JJ I would call me JJ We are calling you JJ You can get me

Keep getting me these drinks You can call me anything you want Hey keep them coming JJ I love that You can call me whatever you want As long as you can look at me When you say it That's such a low stipulation

As long as you look at me when you say it that's such a low stipulation call you scumbag just look at me when you look at my eyes when you say it just let me see those pretty teeth jj musso faces several charges in connection to the incident including loitering and prowling lewd and lascivious behavior, resisting an officer without violence. Which means he ran. Well, as other things. Which means he ran. Prowling is weird when you're naked.

If you've read the Golden State, Michelle McNamara's book about the Golden State Killer, prowling is bad. Prowling will bug you now. Prowling is a bad word. It leads to other things. A Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office deputy was dispatched to Woodlawn Way in Gulf Breeze at about 8.30 p.m. This is prime time prowling. Prowling man out. After a homeowner reported that while he was in Pensacola, his security camera... Florida!

You got it, dude. Redneck Riviera. His security camera provided an alert to his cell phone that someone was near his front door. This technology, why everybody hasn't bought these yet is beyond me. This is the greatest. Those things you put by your door and it literally just notifies your phone like, hey, someone just walked up to your door and here's footage of it. You guys own houses. If you don't get them.

We need to do that. I need it. I need it. They should sponsor this podcast. Yeah, gladly. For this very conversation. For this very conversation. The security camera captured footage of a naked

white man walking past Of course he's white. Walking past the home near the front door. The homeowner told authorities according to Musso's rest report. I'm going to show you guys a photo. Yes! Yes! Not pixelated, please. Not very pixelated at all.

That guy is... He's not running either. He's sauntering. Can I say something? You can say anything. I think he has gloves on. I'm not kidding. I think the man has gloves on. He does look like he has gloves on.

He's trying to eliminate all finger prints. I think he's got fucking gloves on. So he's not naked? Flip flops. He's not naked. I bet his flip flops are wet because he's walked in some pools. And so he is literally squishing. Squishing.

Squishing along. Hey, nobody see me. While the deputy was at the home getting information, I'm invisible, y'all. He received a second call from a neighbor reporting that he saw a naked man on his front porch. Look, this is the deal, okay? Does that mean there's six more weeks of summer?

We all could do this, by the way. We all could do this whenever we want. There is a social contract we make, which is, don't show me that. Uh-huh. That is an unwritten rule across the board in this world that we all live in, unless you live in a nudist colony.

Don't show me that. Don't even see it. Musso. Okay, so the deputy walked outside because he was at the house getting information about the guy. He walked up to that door. He saw the man,

who was later identified as Musso, standing in the driveway of a home on the 1500 block of Woodlawn Way. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. Put a red dot on it. I live in Woodlawn Way. Woodlawn Way. Woodlawn Way.

Woodlawn Way. Musso was completely naked standing in that driveway. He had flip-flops. The gloves! That's not all he had. And he had an erection. No. But he seemed to be trying to avoid people. He's like, I can't.

I don't want you to see me either. I'm just out here trying to live my life. Don't look. I don't want you to see me either. I'm just out here trying to live my life. Don't look. I don't know what to do with this either. Can I say, honestly, it makes me feel better about this story that they're saying he didn't want people to see them. Is he trying to walk the direction off? We talked with Tig when we had her on here. Enough with the men who just want people to look at them naked in their jandals.

At least he was like, oh, I don't want people to see me. Don't look at me. Dude, you're on one long way, bro. You're on one long way. Take a flip-flop off and flop it onto the flipper. Take a flip it and flop it off. Add it onto that flip and flopper, you guys. Dare I say, glove your junk.

Glove your junk. Glove yourself. Self-glove. You can't glove anyone else until you glove yourself. It's true. Glove is the answer. Glo your junk might I have to also be a t-shirt Glove your junk in Dumb People Town Glove your junk He said he might

He looked like he was seemingly trying to avoid people According to the report He was reportedly standing near a red pickup truck And was holding a plastic Bottle Of cooking oil. Okay, this is getting better. What are we doing with cooking oil?

What can't you do with cooking oil? At 8.30 on Thursday night, nudin' it up with gloves and flip-flops. This guy isn't drunk? Mm-mm. See, that's what makes this hard, because this is easy to explain otherwise. Yeah, drunk explains everything. Yeah, because then we would be like, he was at a party, he lost a dare. He was at home, he was cooking, he needed to borrow something.

No one was home. Right. He was like, I better cover up. And gloves and, so drunk, gloves and flip flops. I wish he was wearing just an apron. That would be great, because then you could explain, that would explain the cooking oil. And the boner. Of course.

Now we're cooking. No. Now we're cooking. No, now we're cooking. You'd get indecent exposure if you had an apron on, right? Yes, because your butts hang out. Is that true? Butts are bad. Come on. Butts can't be bad.

I think you can't. That's a Dumb People Town shirt. Butts are bad. Butts are bad. Butts aren't good. In public, butts aren't good. On Woodlawn Way, butts aren't good. On the Dumb People Town Facebook page, if any lawyers in Dumb People Townies could tell us...

If Ronald T. Justice... Could tell us if you can be... Can you be butts out in public? Probably not, right? I specialize in nudity. Nudity law. Hello, have you been arrested on nudity law violations? Have you been pissing near an elementary school every day?

Gloves up. Have you been pissing near an elementary school every day? We here at Forlawn, Forlawn, Forlawn, and Woodlawn would like to take your case. Lusso attempted to run around the truck, which is very Yakety Sax. Is that his truck? No, of course it's not his truck. To avoid the deputy. But the deputy caught up to him and removed the bottle of cooking oil from his hand. You will not have that cooking oil. What do you mean removed it from his hand?

I don't know. Does that mean the cop walked up and was like, give me that? Dad, if he shot it out of his hand, that would be amazing. This particular individual. He just like from four feet away, just like. I'm going to let the deputy explain what happened. Sir, can you please explain? What did you do to him?

Rodriguez, explain what happened out there. We encountered a particular individual at Woodlawn Way who answered to the name of Musso. And this particular individual was holding a container of a plastic variety that contained a certain amount of specific, certain amount of old and ageist oil substance. Was it canola oil or olive oil? Can you specify? Well, this particular individual who was lacking the ability to have clothing on his body at this particular moment of time was holding some sort of unidentified type of particular

individual's style of- It was Wesson. It was Wesson. An off-brand, non-brand canola-type substance that could be weaponized in a situation. And we sought to dismantle this individual's use of this such oil. So you didn't try to arrest him, you just tried to take the oil away? Well, we approached the individual.

He was blustery and noncompliant. That is a breeze. It is a breeze. It is a gold breeze. Very blustery. And we sought to disarm the individual of his oil and was successful in doing so. I don't understand why the oil was a priority for you. Well, he created an oil slick that would cause deputies such as myself or Deputy Charles to lose footing and cause an accident that would cause...

This is Deputy Charles here. I'm very concerned about losing my footing. Always. Deputy Charles has a history of losing his footing in the department, and we seek to change that with this particular individual. If there's no oil on the floor, there is a chance that I might lose my footing. Okay, we're done with questions here. I just imagine the two cops being like, alright, how do you want to go about this? We gotta get that oil first.

We don't have to get the oil first. Oil is top priority. No, I don't see how the oil is a top priority. He's running around the truck. Let me shoot it out. Let me shoot it out of his hand. Nope, don't shoot it out of his hand. Don't shoot it. I'm gonna shoot it out. Please let me shoot it. Sweetheart, let me just shoot it out of your hand. Look at me as I'm shooting oil out of your hand. Let me just tase it out.

Let me tase it out. Nope. You're going to still get a letter out there. He definitely caught up with him and removed the bottle of cooking oil from his hand. Okay, I'm going to set the scene. All of a sudden, this shows up in the story. And when I read it, I was like, this is now like a Keanu Reeves movie. Amid heavy rainfall.

Oh! Dramatic! I am an FBI agent! Give me the cooking oil! What? Put down the cooking oil! They're standing in pouring rain. Give me the cooking oil!

There's like a slow, generic electric guitar. I can't hear you! Can you imagine Musso being like, let me go, man! Where am I going to go? Mexico? Maybe. You give me the oil and we'll talk about it. I just wanted to shower.

Well, you're doing it! It's showering outside. Give me the oil! Or it's a heavy, rough, and it's like romantic. Don't you understand? I don't want to arrest you because I love you! Just pouring rain. Give me the oil. Or it's a heavy rainfall and it's like romantic. Don't you understand? I don't want to arrest you because I love you. Just pouring rain. Give me the oil. Give me the

money. What money? An NSYNC music video. Yeah. Amid heavy rainfall, the deputy tried to handcuff J.J. Musso, but the man allegedly slipped away. Oil! That's why we oil them up.

I just figured out what was going on here. It started to run through the yard toward the street. No, man, keep going yards. You don't want streets. Yards, you can slide down. He continued to run down the middle of the street, that's JJ, even after the deputy

drew his taser and commanded Musso to stop. The deputy eventually fired his taser at JJ. Oh, you got JJ. Which is what I hope he said when he got hit with the taser. Oh, you got JJ. Forcing him to fall to the ground on his back, which means if he's running away, he got electrocuted, right?

And then turned around. Or locked up. And then turned around and just fell down. Just fell straight back down like timber, like a tree going down. He was spun around and fell down. JJ was then handcuffed and placed into a patrol vehicle. Can I oil that vehicle up? JJ, who lives in the Woodlawn

Way neighborhood, told deputies he receives sexual gratification by being naked in public. You knew that was his thing. We know. He was masturbating with the oil.

That's a bad, nope, the oil was to get away with. He said he was carrying the cooking oil because he liked to rub it on his legs. Hey! Which is more innocuous and more creepy. Weird. Rub it on your legs? If it rained here more,

I would try this out in my backyard. Let me tell you something. When it rains, it pours. Musso allegedly What? Musso allegedly told authorities that he was not aroused by the sight of any individual in the area. It was just a feeling of being

out on his own in a place where he wasn't supposed to be. Oh, you're so close. Am I close? But was aroused by being naked in the rain. Oh! The rain is key.

I mean, he's watching the Weather Channel. Laying on the rain. That was burning, falling. Nope, that's not what it is. Laying on the rain. That dripped through my crotch. So he's like watching the Weather Channel. I mean, is it going to rain today?

I mean, it's a good thing he lives in Florida and not Phoenix. I mean, this guy would never have a good time. This, by the way, this is the society we live in, and Jay explained it. There is an unwritten contract that you just don't get naked out there. But on some level. Okay, me too. On some level. Me too, Ran.

If this guy lived on a farm and no one was around him and it was raining and he wanted to get naked and go run through his fields out there. So his problem is location of where he lives. That's what I'm about to say. Check in here for a second. Can you guarantee that it wouldn't feel awesome to run around naked in the rain? I think it would probably feel fabulous. A pouring rain. This is like Wild Wild Country.

There's a moment in Wild Wild Country. Tough 50. I give all credit to the Duplass brothers for the way the guys who put it together and edited it together. Because there is a moment where you're like, who am I supposed to hate here? People are on there like, man, they're out there on the bridge

hugging. What's so bad about that? They're loving on each other. They're showing affection. What is so bad about that? I'll send you some articles of things that weren't touched on and you'd be like, oh, this wouldn't be such a 50-50. And that's why I say, in the documentary itself, it does give you

that conflict. In what we saw. Send me the article. Until the whole poisoning thing come up. Oh, she's completely insane. Sal Manila. And you know what she has to say to those people? Tough ditties. Tough ditties.

But the idea that you can run around in the rain naked. By the way, Sal Manila is my favorite impractical joker. I just want you to know. Sal Manila? He's such a nice guy. Love Sal Valcon. He also told authorities, this is JJ, that he had previously walked naked in his neighborhood one other time, but he prefers to walk naked at the beach and had done so at both Pensacola

Beach and Navarre Beach. Oh. I don't know where that is. I went to Florida State. He needs... Okay. So, did you really? Yeah.

Tallahassee. Tallahassee. So, I mean, I know this area. I know these people. I understand. He needs to... He needs to find a nude beach. Now, my question is, would a nude beach satisfy that for this person? If it was raining.

If he really only cares about the weather, then yes. Then it should. He just wants to be out there in the rain. So he needs to find his people. Does he need other people? Does he need there to be an element of non-acceptance and danger in it as well? Doesn't seem so. Well, maybe he doesn't know that, Dan.

That's what we're saying. He doesn't know his own needs. JJ, this is the part that stuck with me the most. JJ told authorities that he left his home and walked to the gravel access road north of the track at Woodlawn Beach. And before I realized, thanks to you, Johnny, that he had flip-flops on,

the idea of him barefoot walking down a gravel road, I was like, you are nuts. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. This feels so good, this feels so bad. This feels so good. This feels so bad. This feels so good. This feels so bad. He was... Sometimes that's how it goes.

Hey, this feels so good. This feels so good. Pleasure pain, pleasure pain. Is that a psychotic reaction? He was booked into the Santa Rosa County Jail late Thursday and has since been released. All right, I'm going to ask you guys now. Ooh.

How old is Joe John Musso? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Now, you are a guest. We've just seen his kind of squishy ass.

You are a guest, Johnny Pemberton. You can decide if you want to go first, third, or Tig, which is second. I want to go first. Okay. How old do you think he is? How old do you think Joseph Johnsef Mussoff is? I think he is 48. 48 years old.

Okay. Randy or Jason? 41. 41 from Jason Sklar. 54. 54 from Randy Sklar. He just looked like a 54-year-old ass. I do like the 50s answers.

Yeah. Because I feel like it's a guy being like, I've been repressed my entire life, and now is my chance to break out. Now is coming out. We're breaking out. You're going to divorce me. I'm going to live my life.

I'm going to divorce my clothes. Not going to tell me I can't walk naked in the rain. All right. We're going to get out of here on this. Townies, get your answers in now for a game of Guess the AG. Because Joe, John, Muso, and Franks is 63 years old. We weren't going higher. I wanted to go higher.

You were heading in the right direction. Randy, you knew it. I was right. 63 and living his life. A year away from retirement. Dude, if you like doing it, keep doing it. Avoid people better. Please find a nudist colony and then do your thing and be happy.

Enjoy the rain. Go live on a farm. Find a nudist colony in the northwest. Northwest, in Portland. In Seattle where it rains all the time. I want to know. Let it rip. Have you ever felt the rain?

Orcas Island. Coming down on your naked butt? All right. I said bone. You said butt. No. I want to know. All right.

Have you ever achieved erection in a squall with a significant downfall to the left? All right. That's a mini story and a mini episode, guys. Thank you, Johnny Pemberton. Again, the movie Action Point. And the tour. And the tour. Where can people find your dates and stuff?

Is it on Johnny? It's on johnnypemberton.dog. Awesome. Check it out. And the podcast? Live to Tape. Live to Tape with Johnny Pemberton. A lot of music explorations.

That's really cool. Check all that stuff out. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work.