Dumb People Town - 85: Emma Arnold - LIVE in Petaluma

Episode Date: August 28, 2018

In a live episode from the Pet-a-llama Comedy Festival, the gang gets into some Flato updates. Then they're joined by comedian Emma Arnold into the stories. Story 1 : Planet Earth: Dumb People Town.��Story 2 brings a woman who left her contact lens in a little too long -- as in, decades too long. Then the gang breaks down some Townie-provided stories.

🎵 Now go listen to our podcast band With your host Harvey and Dan And don't be a jerk That's what you're doing Just a funny hit Here we go Stick around, make a sound, pump your down Let's go Alright Hey townies, welcome to a live episode of

Dumb People Town Population U! Oh my god, it's so good to be here in wine country. It is wine country, we're in Petaluma. What are this beautiful theater, the Mystic Theater? How about a round of applause for this beautiful place? This is the theater where Lincoln got got shot i think am i wrong who i think you're right dave lincoln got shot right over there i don't know why shit i'm a dick i'm it happened in 1987 okay uh i'm sure some dumb shit has happened in

oh yeah i mean we did an episode of Cheap Seats, our show on ESPN Classic, about a wrist wrestling tournament that took place probably 100 yards from here because everything takes place 100 yards from here. It's Petaluma. But a young Al Michaels was there covering in the event and so clearly he did not want to be there covering wrist wrestling for wide world of sports.

No shit. And just the disdain, like the look on his face as he was like, every time we were imagining in his mind, he was drafting his resignation letter to ABC. Like he'd be like, these people are wrist wrestling behind me right now. And in his brain,

he's like, dear ABC, stop. Hi, Greg, you just won a match. Now tell the audience out there, how long you been divorced? Dear ABC, stop. Please get me out of this hellhole.

Stop. No, we're so psyched to be here. We have, do we have a photo of our spirit animal? Is he up there? Of course we do. As you know, it is customary for us to... Nope, that's not it. Do we have a photo of our spirit animal? Is he up there? Of course we do. Of course he is. As you know, it is customary for us to... Nope, that's not it. Nope. That is way too hot.

We keep the party going. If you've listened to our last of People Town that was live, we haven't gotten any better with our technical results. See how it says slide number two? That's the one you want. Boom. There we go. There it is. Yep. That is...

That's the order. And then if we could go to the presentation if that's possible. Oh, you're reconnecting. Don't worry about it. Don't look at anything other than Jan Flato, guys. Jan Flato could have a one-man show that's called Two and a Half Men.

Shall we get into our Jan Flatos? Yeah. Alright, here we go. This is how we start every live show because it gets us in the mood. Jan Flato was born with a bracelet. Jan Flato owns three aquariums but no fish.

Jan Flato has never not peed in a pool Jan Flato was just told by his doctors That he has the lungs of a three year old Thai kid Who smokes Jan Flato also been stuck in a cave Speaking of Thai kids Jan Flato once got in a fight with a squirrel Jan Flato shows up to Red Lobster with his own bib And a backup

Jan Flato gave up crushing pussy for Lent He did it for the Lord. Jan Flato's CB handle is White Jesus. In Florida, when they call for backup, Jan Flato shows up. At age 10, Jan Flato once molested his priest. Now, hold on a sec topical topical then the

Catholic Church moved him around three times they relocated him now guys if I can interrupt these Flatos for a little bit I have a Flato update let's hear it so if you're not already if you're listening to this If I could interrupt these Flados for a little bit. Oh, sure. I have a Flado update. Let's hear it. Let's hear it.

Okay. So if you're not already, if you're listening to this in your car or cubicle or you're here facing me and you are not on the Facebook page, at this point in your life, I can't help you. Yeah. There's a lot of decisions you have to make. Because there are good things going down on the dumb people town facebook page you ready for this guys this is from john francis moore who writes while watching the credits for

bob fossey's 1979 masterpiece all that jazz i noticed the keyboard credit for the nameless rock band in the film's final act. Is it possible DPT's favorite citizen was in an Academy Award nominated movie? Because it says, I'm not joking here, if you pause the credits, keyboard, Jan Flato.

Hold on. This plot's gonna get real thick. Jan writes back. Jan writes back. That should be a shirt. Because that's true. He does always... Ready?

Yep, it's your favorite dummy, LOL. I was waiting for my roommate, a drummer who auditioned for the movie, a cattle call, auditioned for Bob Fosse. After 30 to 35 keyboard players had auditioned, he convinced me to audition for Fosse. I was the last one.

Fosse started dancing, and I started playing. A week later, Fosse chose me. Bob Fosse was a great guy. I became very close with friends with Roy Schneider, too. Yes. What? Ben Vereen was very cool as well.

We hung out a few times. What the fuck? If you had a Venn diagram of Jan Flato and Ben Vereen and hanging out in the center, they overlap, guys. They did. The entire shooting included rehearsal and recording. I'm singing background and playing. Took

six weeks. It's the last 15 minutes of the movie I did a few others in a few small shots here and there got cut out of What classic early 90s movie do you guys think Jan Flato got cut out of? Do not answer if you already know Dances with wolves. No, you are closer than you think already know. Dances with Wolves. No. You are closer than you think. Is it

Waterworld? No. Is it? And this is the way I would describe his hair. Wind talkers? Dances with Wolves. Won Best Picture. Beating out the movie Jan Flato got cut out of Goodfellas.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Listen to this. Then he goes on to write, and every damn musician in Goodfellas worked for me. Damn.

Jan hired every musician in Goodfellas. Oh, well, Made some good money on several movies. I'm not a star like the Sklars or Daniel. I'll take it. Alright. Just a dummy from Dumb People Town. We're going just a little thicker. Then Lacey

Applegate, who we love. We love Lacey. Writes in, anyone else wondering how many epic stories Jan is going to make us figure out before he tells us about them can we circle up for a story time with jan holy shit jan you have the floor we're here for this jan responds lucy i've got hundreds of crazy stories to tell you say lucy yes meanwhile her name is lazy there's a woman who wrote a great book that was made into a movie she wants to write a book

about all i've been through in my life again not famous like the sclars or daniel but i've lived the craziest life and an author that an author had ever heard of problem is if i tell all these stories a lot of famous musicians and ballplayers who I partied with. Like, I want him to take down John Crook. You know what I mean? Dude, when he says ballplayers, I think he's referring to his bowling team. Or people that have played with his balls.

Yes. He says, ballplayers who I partied with would be quite embarrassed. I wouldn't want to hurt their families either. So Lucy, again, wrong name. Lacey. I begged the writer not to tell any of the insane stories she's aware of. Hopefully you understand. When and if, it's a when, I meet Daniel, Jason, and Randy, I'll tell them a few.

Let them decide if they want to tell the crazy stories to the town. Trust me, I've lived a crazy wild insane life. I'm a child of the insane 60s and early 70s. It was beyond nuts. Nuts is in all caps. Which I guess we could say, Jan Flato writes

nuts in all caps. We're going to close out on this. How can we consider a Scorsese a genius when he left Jan Flato off the cutting room floor? I'm starting to think he is hack. Jan Flato writes. Back. Matt,

I was in charge of all the musicians in that movie. There were like four scenes for musicians in the flick. Three took place in the Copacabana. I was there for all of them. I put myself in the best scene. He cut it. Scorsese kept scene He cut it Scorsese kept He probably wrote Scorsese Scorsese kept asking me to do this scene

And the next one I was so honored when he kept calling out my name Imagine Marty Scorsese saying this In quotes Where's Flato? I need him By the way I can't tell you how many times I've woken up in a cold sweat and said those words.

This is the final bit. I couldn't believe Martin Scorsese knew who the hell I was. Met De Niro. Weird guy, very shy. When this guy calls you a weird guy. Then he goes, Pesci, etc. What does that mean?

The nicest guy was Paul Sorvino. He's a good opera singer. Great guy. That is Facebook page updates. There it is. I think we're good. Wow. All right.

Well, we can't do this by ourselves. We have an awesome guest. She did a mini episode of A Dumb People Town, and you guys, the townies, said we want more of this person. We want her on for a full episode. She's here. She's part of and helped organize the 208 Comedy Fest. She runs it.

She runs it. 208 Comedy Fest in Boise, Idaho. She lives there. It's happening September 6th through the 9th. She's amazing. Has a stand-up special on her site, EmmaArnoldComedy.com. Please welcome our friend, Emma Arnold! Yay!

Here she comes. High fives. High fives all the way around. So happy you are here. Hello. What do you think of Jan Flato? Oh my gosh. I came out here, I had written some Jan Flatos on my hand.

But they were, they were, Jan Flato was cut from the movie Goodfellas. Oh, okay. Every one of them was like... That was your guess? That's amazing. Yeah, Jan Flato's an amazing person. He's a beautiful person. I swear to to God when we get more people into this trip

We're going to get him back his money It's going to change his life And it's going to be you guys who do it I have a couple Jan Flatos This is a big honor for me And I'm excited And for Jan But now I kind of feel like they do fall flat

How do you compete with Bob Fosse? You want me to do one? Yes, you do one, give me Rob Jan Flato refers to his penis As his streaming service How about that? I'll do one too, that's not as good Jan Flato eats guys for

Let me do this again Re-rack him Re-rack it Jan Flato eats guys like... Let me do this again. Re-rack them. Re-rack it. Jan Plato eats guys like you for brunch. All right. Jan Plato is a bitch. He's a lover.

He's a child. He's a mother. He's a sinner. He's a saint. Yes. He's all those things. That's so true. He's all those things. Last year, Jan developed child onset

diabetes alright alright well listen here's what we do on this show and I'm so happy you guys are here to do it live doing these things live it's one of our favorite things to do the world is getting dumber do we agree the world's getting dumber our only

way to fight back is through comedy and our great dumb ears on the ground you guys send in the stories dan breaks them down we have not seen them emma hasn't seen them shall we jump into a story right now let's do it let's do it you guys ready all right all right now we are nothing if not honest so and i may even leave i may even leave this in the edit. Mark, you are running our tech. Are we online? Uh, yeah. Okay. Ooh. Confident.

That was said with less confidence. Because I'm about to get into it, and we need that slide, whatever it is, four to be able to play a video. Here we go. Ready? I titled this story myself. Is this going to be like, okay, go ahead. I wrote the title for this story myself. Is this going to be like...

Okay, go ahead. I wrote the title for this story. Okay. I titled it Planet Earth, Dumb People Town. I mean, if we could get Sigourney Weaver to narrate what we're about to see... I bet Sigourney Weaver narrates Jan Plato's thoughts.

Yes, this is an audio podcast, but every once in a while, a video comes along that we as stewards of Dumb People Town, we're bound by duty to present it to everyone. Now, this is one of those videos. It was sent in by

Jake Magnuson, at Jake Magnus videos. It was sent in by Jake Magnuson, at Jake Magnuson. He's sent in before. Yes. And it was also sent in by about 250 other townies. This is popular. Right. Okay.

We're going to dig in. If you're listening to this and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Pause your thing. First of all, remember that when it comes to Dan and Van Curric, keep those expectations low. But I will say I will do

my best to schedule a post so that when this drops, that video will be waiting on the Facebook page. That applies to no other episode. Okay. Here we go. This from the guy who forgot to bring the pins. If you wanted a pin today, you can order one online.

Okay. Let's go to the pick. Okay, now. Here we have two people standing in a convenience store. You can tell by the lack of pants on both of them. Things are about to change in their life. I can't, just from body language alone, I feel like he broke up with her

and she didn't want to hear from him ever again. Also, isn't this the stance of two people where he's saying, you don't need to call your mom, I'll give you a ride home. I thought they were just arguing about the jerky selection. Or they're right under the

rock star energy drinks. And she's like, he's like, you're not a rock star. She's like, yes, I am. He's like, well, you can have a rock star. And she's like, I'm having your baby. And then it just escalates. Everything's escalating. Everything in Dumb People Town quickly escalates.

Also, I can't tell what her half sleeve is, but in my dream, it's a peacock eating another peacock. This is a woman who has never worn socks in her life. Right. And she's like not on an iPhone. She's on like a Nokia Pebble. There you go. Okay.

These are our local townsfolk in Dumb People Town. Brittany Burke. That's her name. Bfolk in Dumb People Town. Brittany Burke. That's her name. BB if you're nasty. Brittany! Burke. And the man's name is perfectly titled as Richard Parasow. A parasow is something that leeches onto you and starts sucking your money away, right?

Yeah. Or in this case, it's a person who probably doesn't pay child support. All right, now. He definitely has said, how can I hit you when my hands are in my pockets? He's also the type of guy that does the forearm grab and goes, I wouldn't if you'd just come back here. Okay.

Yeah, for sure. I hate that fucking guy. Police were called to a mini mart in Spruce Grove, Alberta Monday afternoon after the two allegedly attempted to make a purchase using a stolen credit card. Now,

before I play this video, I'm going to ask everybody here, because you are here. You care enough to be here. To look away until we start it because the cover photo for it gives away a lot of this.

So look away. It's up to you. Scouts honor. You want to be a fucking cheater? Be a cheater. No, they're doing well. Okay, so let's bring up the video and when I say play, no one laughed. It means you didn't look. Okay. Don't look. Hit play on this.

Ready? What a good group of people. I'm like the worried camp counselor. Guys, don't look. You're only cutting into your own free time. When the hand goes up, the mouth goes up. Let's go to the video. Hit it, brother. Okay. Here we go. Ready? Watch this. Okay. Here they are. We see them at the top arguing, right? There seems to be a

cop and Par parasol is like here pause it right here oh pause it okay now if you if you miss this parasol did a classic pick and roll where he he put britney burke between him and the cop then push britney almost like a costanza leaving a fire right like she was a woman on a bridge right i hope he also said to her you want bud light here's your bud light right because she is going into a stack of bud light with the cop i love how the cashier couldn't give a shit yeah she does not cashier could not now you're. Yeah, she does not care. Cashier could not. Now, you're going to see another guy standing here. Wait, wait.

I just want to say, cashier, we're only seeing the cashier from behind, man or woman. It's either a woman or it's Chief J. Strongbow. Good job. Okay. So, he is now literally on his way. He tried to get out the door, and then Paracel pushes Brittany Burke into the cop. If they were the Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff,

the cop is the rock. I just want to say for sure that girl only goes by Brittany. One name. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just Brittany. Did you hear what Brittany did? Brittany who? Brittany.

Tell me what that bitch did. Okay, let's hit play again, brother, and we'll, yeah, yeah. Just Britney. Did you hear what Britney did? Britney who? Britney. Oh. Tell me what that bitch did. Okay, let's hit play again, brother, and we'll pick it back up. Boom. Okay, they go down. They go down. Now, look at, pause it. This cannot be quality cops episode worthy if somehow Pariseau's shirt does not get taken off.

And by the way, he's taking it off. It looks like he's- It gets caught in the scuffle. But look at the cop who's like, no, motherfucker, I'm getting that leg. Yeah. It's like Frank Mir on Brock Lesnar. Deep cut there for you, MMA people.

Okay, ready? Hit play for me, brother. Here we go. Boom. Now, look at... Bystander tries to join in. Keep playing. I'll tell you when to stop, Mark. Don't worry. Bystander tries to, they got him here. Nope. Pause. Now, if you're listening to this,

we have paused it where he is running past the beer coolers, and if you can do a screen grab wherever you are, this is your Christmas card. This is it. This is where you look at this guy and you think of all the dumb things you've done in your life

and you're like, I'm okay. Yeah. By the way, if you ever see someone running in a situation that they shouldn't be running in, you're like some shit's about to go down. If you ever see a kid laying down on the ground, I look at the parent and I'm like, get your kid up off the ground. If ever see a kid laying down on the ground, I look at the parent, I'm like,

get your kid up off the ground. If you see an adult laying down on the ground, you're like, oh shit. Okay, now, we're going to hit play in a second. You're about to see Parasau figuratively and literally encapsulate where his life is at in one moment.

Hit play. Here we go. We're running. Oh, we made it to the back. There's no way out of this life. Oh, my gosh. There's no way out of this life. Okay, now, get ready, Mark.

Get ready, Mark. I need a weapon. I need a weapon. I need a weapon. Pause it. Okay. Yes. All right, so to explain...

Tell them. Jason Sklar or Emma, one of you three, tell the listener if this guy had one choice for a weapon. And what did he go with? Onion rings. Gummy rings. Some sort of mixed nut. Japanese like candy. I thought they were peppermints.

Peppermints. The most dangerous of the mints. So this guy ran into the back, tried to open the door, couldn't get out. Nope. Came back into a convenience store. Yep. And grabbed the softest thing in the store. Randy.

Yeah. To throw. Wait, Randy. To be fair, the police in this jurisdiction are only also allowed to carry Werthers. Yeah, that's true. So no guns, just Werthers. It's not Werther it. I'll tell you that right now.

At Sklar Brothers. All right. I say if he grabs the Wonder Bread, even that's harder than what he grabbed. Also, does it look like that cop's packing some Werther's? No, he's coming to bear. That's right. All right, hit play for me.

Let's see how this plays out. All right, come on, dude. I wasn't serious. You want these? No. Drop some. All right. Guy's got a taser on him.

Get down. Get down. Look at Parasau. He gets down, doesn't want to get tased, and then all of a sudden he's like, you know what, never mind. Doesn't work. All right, I was just joking. I was joking now pause for some reason oh yes some reason he let

her go i want to love a man this much i want this i want to be like no wait my baby my baby this is just a big misunderstanding. Do you feel like we're at the point now where we just can't love anyone that much anymore? I'm putting me in the same boat as you. Yeah, I feel like I'm maybe too old. Here's the deal. If you're going back for a guy like that,

he definitely has something of yours. Or a dick like a baby's for. You know, like you're going back for that or you like hypnotized you while you were sleeping or something what he has is definitely not your shirt no i would also so let's bring the listener up to speed guys so our good bystander at the front has somehow let britney go or she talked him out of it britney is now approaching the cop and her hand is on her chest like she's like i swear swear to God, y'all, he's my love. He's all right.

From my heart. She's like, no, don't. Don't. I speak trashy. I speak trashy, girl. She's like, I hope she put her hand on her heart, walked up to the cop and said, we just got engaged again.

Okay. All right, hit play, Mark. Alright, we're hitting play. So now the cop is like, you stay down, Parasau. And Parasau's like, where do I go? Oh, and then he takes it. Pause it. So Parasau gets tased. I'm just going to say this. He went

down like a bag of Japanese gummies. Okay, now. Here we go. Guys, Brittany has now left. Hold on. Brittany leaves. She's in the back of the store. Parasol's getting cuffed after being tased. Cop is still doing them. Innocent bystander, still Good Samaritan

up at the front. Oh, there goes Parasol. No! Oh, he almost had it. He almost had it. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Hold on, guys. We want people listening. Parasol made a run for it. Got to the door. Once again, like everything else in his life, didn't go as planned.

And this woman is stuck. Now, Brittany Burke is in the back of the room. She has now climbed up. Hold on. On top of a refrigerator. Wait, pause it, pause it, pause it. Pause. What tattoo was on her shin right there? Okay, if that is a tiger.

For those of you who aren't up to speed, Emma Arnold has a sweet fucking tiger. I have a gigantic tiger trampster. I would say I didn't see the tattoo closely, but I think it's a yin without a yang. Yeah. Now, before we go back into this. It's obviously a Looney Tunes character.

We are going to watch in silent until you'll know when. Okay? And if you're listening at home, I know I'm asking you to be a little bit more interactive, but trust me. She has climbed up. It's worth it. Tell her what is happening. She has gotten on top of some sort of refrigerator, freezer, maybe a shelving

unit, and she is climbing off screen, seemingly into a wall wall unless that's the world's highest hallway. The world's highest hallway could be like the best children's book ever. Or the new Dwayne the Rock Johnson movie.

Or Doug Benson's autobiography. That's great. Ask our brothers with a thumbs up. Okay, so let's just hit play and watch. She's now off screen. She's off. We are seeing Parasol being tackled to the ground.

Okay, the cop has him. Good Samaritan, who half helped, is just chilling at the front. Now let's just watch. Oh, my God. Look at her. She lost a shoe. She lost a shoe.

Pause it. Pause. Pause it. This is amazing. Okay. Okay. Like. Like.

Say it. Okay. If the writers of the old Benny Hill show said this is how we're ending the show, Benny Hill himself would have said they'll never believe it. No one will buy this. No one will buy that a woman crawled into the ceiling and then fell face first into another ragazone. And lost a shoe.

And lost a shoe. And by the way, the cashier still doesn't give a shit. Does not. Does not care. She's fixing her fucking ponytail. Mark, okay. This woman.

Go back to right before she falls if you can, Mark. Okay. Now we're going to watch this again. Listener at home, people here. Appreciate the fall, but respect how fucking quick she gets up.

This woman would win the NFL Combine. No, she just like won the Wonderlic test. And then she gets, wait, watch this too. This is for, listen home townies, you gotta earn this. She gets up, boom!

Oh yeah, look at her. Look at her oh yeah look at her look at her now she's like I got it no guys I get it I get it and she just goes to the ground oh my god backup has arrived and they arrest Brittany Burke but technically she's arrested herself guys

that is amazing amazing now wow this started out That is amazing. Now, this started out with an argument between a couple. It's perfect. For the listener at home, we have frozen on the best part of this story.

This is why I didn't want you guys to look. This is what pops up just when you go to watch it. I mean, this is the best kind of clickbait ever. I need to know where that shoe ended up. What's that? I need to know where that shoe ended up. She lost a shoe and her man in like eight minutes.

But somehow kept her dignity. I would argue she lost her dignity as well. If someone told you this is the new Kanye video, you'd be like, yep. Sure. Yeah. I forgive him. I forgive him.

I forgive him. Hoop-diddy-scoop. Yeah. Hoop- yep. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I forgive him. I forgive him. I forgive him. Hoop-diddy-scoop. Hoop-iddy-boop. But I will say this. We're gonna get off of this story. If you want, brother, take us back to the Dumb People Town logo picture, please. I will say this. It started out with a couple's fight. Couple gets caught.

Couple breaks up. Man takes taser for couple. She fights her way back to him. He then tries to leave her. She tries to make her own way headed towards heaven. Falls back down to earth. Falls back down to earth. In more ways than one.

Onto firewood. I'm going to be honest when I say that might be my favorite season of The Wire. Yeah. That is. She is a keeper. Is that the end of story one? That my favorite season of the wire yeah that is she is a keeper is that the end of that is the end of the story amazing let's take a break and when we come back more with emma arnold on dumb people town all right hey everybody welcome back to Dumb People Town.

We're so glad to be here live at the Petalama Comedy Festival. Mystic Theater. Awesome. I'm standing because my back went out two days ago. Really? Jason was at a convenience store and he fell through the roof. Turns out when you fall on motor oil, it hurts. But I'm still here.

I'm good. That's all right. Don't worry about standing, buddy. I mean, doesn't that though, Emma Arnold, our guest here, our lovely guest, Emma Arnold. Yes. You see that last story and it does make you feel better

about all the relationships you've had. Am I right? Well, look, who hasn't fallen through a ceiling? For love. Beautiful. Like, that's just beautiful. Yes, it's a love story. It is a love story.

And that was in Alberta, Canada. Oh, my God. You know what I didn't do? And we could do it really quick. Let's do it. How old do you think Brittany Burke is? Should we play a little post script? Guess the aging?

Let's do it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Emma, you are our guest. Would you like to go first, Tig, or third? She is two days off her 21 run. Oh, 21?

21 in two days. 21 in two days. Okay, 20 years old. 20 years old. 20 years old. Jason or Randy? I think she's 29. Jason Sklar says 29 years old. I think she's 24, but in another year, she doesn't bounce up that easily.

Okay. 24. 24. Alright. I would like three townies to make a guess. Alright. Put your hands up if you want to guess. Gentleman in the black hair. Say your name, brother. Mike. How old? 32. Somebody else got one right over here.

Brother in the flannel type sweet button. What's your name first? Brady. 26. There's a woman right back there in the glasses, blonde hair. That's fine. Do you want it? Okay, 26. And what was your name? Shannon, Brady,

and was it Mike? So 26, 32, I feel like she's got a real young tattoo. Wow, are we talking like you went tattoo culture? I'm doing, you know, I was doing a little investigating. You did a tattoo analysis.

I did. I said investigating. You did a tattoo analysis. I did. I said 29. I said 24. Okay. Shout at your earbuds. Right. One of you is exactly right. So now we get to play the game. Who do you think is

right? Let's start with our audience. Let's work it backwards. What was your name again? I'm sorry. Shannon, who do you think is right? Let's start with our audience. Let's work it backwards. What was your name again? I'm sorry. Shannon. Who do you think is right? I think it's going to be younger now. Oh.

I'm going to go 24. Okay. So who is... Okay. So you think Randy is right. Okay. All right. Brady?

I'm going to say that it's going to be Emma. Okay. Emma's right with 20 years old. That's a young love. Mike? Mike going to be Emma. Emma's right with 20 years old. That's a young love. Mike is betting on himself. That's right. He is right. 32.

By the way, let me just say, Mike is wearing a baseball hat and a collared shirt. He always bets on himself. Emma Arnold. What do you think? I think, honestly, I think maybe 24 might be right. 24.

Emma goes for Andy, too. That's two votes for Randy. That's funny because now I feel like you're right. I feel like Emma's right. You're voting for me? I think I'm right. And Randy also thinks he is right. I think I'm 24.

Gotta be confident. I mean, look, I gotta be the mic of this stage right now. Brittany Burke. There's gonna be a mic drop. Brittany Burke, the woman who could have left when the Good Samaritan let her go, fought for her lover until his ass got tased, then fell through a ceiling like a goddamn pro,

is feeling like a goddamn pro is 29 years old. Jason Sklar! Jason Sklar! And then I wrote a... I need Mike's confidence. That was awesome. Oh my God.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right. You guys ready for another story? I think we should do another story.

Damn, this is fun. Okay, here we go. Okay. This was sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna, common spelling and just like it sounds.

L-O-R-N-A. Calling all contact lens users. Oh, God. This is going to involve some sick shit in someone's eye. And you know you're a real townie because you've seen where this road goes. Yeah. There's two roads this can go down. Either you put too many of them in one eye

or you put them somewhere else. Calling all contact lens users, do not panic. Shuddering is fine. Imagine going to the eye doctor because your upper eyelid is swollen and painful. That's why don't go, guys. Don't go to the doctor.

Just ignore your problems is the rule. Dumb people town. Ignore your problems. The doctor tells you it's a cyst and operates inside the blister. Uh-uh. What came crawling out? Are we guessing what came crawling out? You never want a doctor on any level other than being pregnant to say to you,

guess what I found in there. Oh, my God. Never. We don't want anyone saying that to you. Because you know what comes next is we don't even live in the region of the country where there are scorpions inside the blister the surgeon finds a contact lens a rigidmeable one, like a hard contact lens. Wow. So imagine that.

But then also imagine you haven't worn that type of contact in years. Wow. So it's just been living in your eye. Yeah. Long enough to get a cyst to build up around it. It grew into your body. Yeah. And eventually your body was like, no.

By the way, what you're describing is what happens to most marriages. Oh, okay. You grow into the person that at some point you're like, no. No, this is more painful than I thought it would be. I thought I could live with this. This is what happened to a British woman according to a report recently published in the journal BMJ.

I imagine that's the British medical journal. Case reports. Starting as a pea-sized lump just below her left eyebrow. Okay, I mean, Lisa's got nothing on her. Right. It's a TLC joke, but it's fine. Okay, so.

May she rest in peace, okay? That's the one who lost? Yeah, Lisa left. I know. I definitely fucking know. She went and chased a waterfall. Starting as a pea-sized lump just below her left eyebrow, the cyst grew over a sixth-month period

until it was visible on an MRI. In addition to swelling and later pain when touched, her left eyelid began to droop. Let's go to that X-ray picture, buddy. Okay. Oh, wow. You can see, if you look at her eye to the left, and Townies, get on that Facebook page,

you can see it to the right, you can see it just above her eye. That is measurable. Oh, my God. That is, by the way, that is her Tinder profile picture. Which, not a smart move. I don't know which way is positive swiping, but I would do it.

I'd swipe left on that. When surgeons discovered the rigid contact, and I think it says surgeons in plural because it started with one and then they kept calling each other over. Dave, come in here. You gotta see this. Don't even wash.

She doesn't give a shit. Get in here. Is she under? No, she's not under, but come here and see this shit. Tell them. Tell them. Tell them what you did. Okay, so when surgeons discovered the rigid contact, it was intact.

It appeared to have been perfectly encapsulated by the tissue. In the process of removing it, the contact was cracked and chipped. Yeah, they ripped it out, guys. We'll just get this very easily. No, no. Yeah. They ripped it out, guys. We'll just get this very easily. No. No. Right.

Well, they're not at that point trying to save her the contact at that point. That would seem like overkill that we're like, be careful. Yeah, definitely no one afterwards said,

are you going to want to use this again? I can feel that in my eye right now. I wear contact lenses and now I have this panic of like, have I ever slept with one? Is there one up there? Is there one up there?

Emma, you should have been here, but a woman had like 24 worms taken out of her eye. Speaking of, can I get a volcano bowl? I would love one. Okay. All right. This is too calm of a sentence for how this woman reacted to all this. This is what they wrote.

The woman was bewildered. Okay. Sure. This is essentially the real life version of the Monty Python sketch. It's just a splash wound. It's just a wound. It's just a contact. Then her mother, that's the mother of the woman,

remembered an accident when the woman was 14 years old. What? So the woman's mom is like, honey, hold on, I think I know. While playing badminton, she was hit in the left eye by a shuttlecock. Okay. Which I do not care. I'll be hacked the rest of my life. That sentence is funny. It is.

For sure. Cock to the eye. That's funny. By the way, that is how Jenna Jameson died. May she rest in peace. I think she's with us. Well, I still want her to get a good night's sleep. Having kids, you know it's hard to get a good night's sleep. I just want her to rest peacefully.

So the mother remembers the incident. She wore rigid contacts at the time, and the contact in the injured left eye was never found. Which I hope this woman was just a champ and was like, guys, I'm good. One eye, I'm still going to beat your ass in this game. Let's go. You think I'm going to look for this all day?

Serve it up. This is the medical equivalent of the call is coming from upstairs. That's what this is. By the way, have you ever played badminton? Like, the shuttlecock is not a heavy, it's not like a baseball hitting you. Unless someone's standing right in front of you and swinging as hard as they can and hitting you. And hits you with the racket, you're right. Then it could do some damage.

Maybe. But I don't know. When I watch Olympics, they're like fire in that shit. But they hit it fast and then it just kind of floats up there and comes back. She took it to the eye. She took a cock in the eye. She took a cock in the eye. I get it. A shuttlecock. You've got to be very specific. She took a shuttlecock

to the eye. Because the injury was resolved quickly with conservative care, I think you should have been a little bit more liberal with that care. Hey, look. What do you think that was? Just a stepdad being like, you're fine. You are fine. You're not going to let me parent? Because I'm parenting right now.

You're fine. Walk it off. It's my eye. Start walking. Roll around in it. This is the Rye method. Walk it off. It's my eye. Start walking. Roll around in it. This is the rye method. Work it out. Because the injury was all quickly with conservative care, the family assumed the contact had flown out of her eye and been lost. She never used rigid contacts again after the accident.

That's kind of, don't blame the contact. That's right. Don't blame the contact. Blame the cock. That's kind of, don't blame the contact. That's right. Don't blame the contact, blame the cock. I always say that. Warning signs of a trapped contact lens typically include sharp or scratchy pain, light sensitivity, and redness.

And a fucking contact in your eye. But the woman had no symptoms once the shuttlecock injury had healed still funny thank you emma we're 12 i know yeah you know what and i'll be 12 forever yeah her more recent problem subsided after the wayward lens was removed i will now ask you guys, how many years do you think this

contact was in her eye? Now, we know it started when she was 14, so based off the amount of years you guessed, you're also going to be guessing her age. Okay. So how many years, Emma, you are our guest, our distinguished guest. Do you want to go first, Tig, or third?

Well, I had glass contact lenses in like 1993, but they haven't been using them for a very long time, so I'm going to say 24 years. Okay. So you think she is 38 years old. Okay. Good math, Randy. Thank you.

That's simple math. Randy or Jason? I'm going to say it's been 19 years. 19 years. 19 years. She's 33 years old. The year Jesus was when he died. From pink eye. 19 years.

He had a contact stuck in his eye. I'm going to say 12 years. She's 26 years old. Okay. Do you know why? Do you know why? Can I say this, though? Jesus' contact that was stuck in his eye, that was his cross to bear.

Agreed. Agreed. That's our brothers. I'll say this, though. Someone, by the way, walked by the theater at that moment and said, that's our brothers. Wow. I wish everyone could see.

This is amazing. This is incredible. Before we reveal Randy's answer, Dan ordered a flaming volcano bowl. By the way, great idea to put that near your computer, Dan. Yeah, Dan. You know what computers love? Liquid and heat. That's...

Dan is drinking out of an 11-inch straw. Or maybe a 12-inch straw. Is it good? Dan, what is that? It's a volcano bowl. And one of you is going to be pissed when you realize there's only three total straws. So, Emma, sorry. My only question is... I think she is, I said, 26 years old because her mom

is still with her. Her mom was there. Your mom isn't with you when you're 38. Alright, go. Okay. I would like to get three. Maybe she is. If I was getting eye surgery, my mom would for sure come with me. Okay, alright. That doesn't make me a baby.

It doesn't. In Britain, they don't do it that way. All right. Okay. I would like to get a couple of guesses from our townies. I saw three hands. I saw one white shirt right here. So let's go right here on the end.

Miss, what's your name? Ashna. Ashna. 27 years. 27 years. 27 years. So you're saying 41-year-old woman. Wow.

Okay. All right. Gentlemen in the white shirt. Gabe. Gabe. Gabe. Yeah, she's 46. She'syear-old woman we're talking about. Okay, all right. Gentleman in the white shirt. Gabe. Gabe. Yeah, she's 46. She's 46. That's how old we are.

Jesus. Oh, my God. How many years would that be? That'd be 22. 39. 32. 32. Okay.

God, are we bad at math. 32. Okay. Right up here. Alex. Alex. Yes. 28 years.

28 years. Okay. 42. All right. So 46, 42, 41. I forgot what I guessed. I do too. You said 38. You said 24 years. You said 38, you said

33, and I said 26. One of you is exactly right. It's me. So let's go backwards. Alex, who do you think it is? I want to go with myself or I'll go with Emma. Thank you. Gabe.

I'm going with myself. Gabe, go with yourself. Look at this. I have to go with myself, by the way. I won last time and didn't go with myself. I'm going to go with myself. I'm going to go with myself. Battle lines

drawn in Petaluma. Something that's never said in Petaluma. Dan. Dan takes a long draw off his volcano bowl. By the way. Oh, another straw. Another straw was brought to you.

By the way, straw By the way How many times have two people Who have been dating Oh god that tastes Two people have been dating They order this drink to break up Because Someone's like honey the flame is out on the volcano

It's technically not yet This is a very weird Lady and the Tramp thing you guys are doing here. This is Lady and the Tramp stamp. Sorry to bring it back to what you... You guys ready? Yes. Alright. The woman who got injured at 14

couldn't find her contact here and said why would this ever come back to bother me? Had it stuck in her eye till her body made it a part of her for 28 years. Alex, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Alex. Alex. Well done. Wow. All right, that's story number two, guys. Story number two. How about it, you guys?

All right, we'll take a break. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town live from Petaluma. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town, live from Petaluma!

And the Petaluma Comedy Festival, we're so grateful to be here. What we tend to do on the live shows, and it's been fun, is we want you guys to bring your stories to us. Yes. We will break them down. It gives Dan Van Kirk a chance to play at the game as well. So what we're going to do is we're going to send a microphone right down here. There's a stand down here. If you come down and form an orderly line, we will hear your headline if you brought

your story, and then we will break down your story for you. Let's do it. Any townies have stories? Bring them. Let's go. Come on up. In the meantime, I'd like to thank McMears for this beautiful romantic drink that has already changed my life. First of all,

tell us your name. We're so excited. Thank you for bringing in a story. Hi, my name's Erica. Hi, Erica. Welcome to town. Thank you. This is the tattoo that Brittany had on her cow Yes Is that true?

Also, for everybody who's We have six people, that's perfect Or five, we have five people When we're done with the stories, guys, stick around Because I want to get a group photo of everybody who participated In the town today Throw that up on the page Erica, let's do it

What is your story? Headline is, Police, colon, NorCal DUI suspect tried to light cigarette with his burning car, comma, singed off eyebrows. Okay.

Okay. Wow. Repeat that. Okay, I just want to say, I often with this show, you guys are like, this person's dumb, and I'm like,

or is that person dope? Emma. There's still, and I'm saying this as your friend, which you know it's going to be good. There's still a girl inside of Emma that sees a guy lighting a cigarette off for his flaming car who's like, well... It's pretty cool.

I mean, he does have a shirt on, which is too bad, but maybe that'll change. Emma definitely, like, that guy's seeing some brake lights as Emma drives by. To her credit, she'd be like, if that guy had one more eyebrow,

I'd hit it. You know what I mean? This is amazing. And I love that you said the idea of dumb or dope, could be an mtv show i feel like mtv now has just become a network of tv shows where they tell you exactly what's going to go on in the show in the title they're like i'm 16 i'm pregnant i fucking hate my parents and i live in a closet hey what's up what's up my name Forrester. I like my grandma and girls,

but not the same age. I want Brad Pitt's face. That's a show. Guy lights cigarette off God. That's like taking lemons and making Mike's heart lemonade. That guy is for sure wearing jeans and flip-flops. Oh, jeans, flip-flops, and no shirt.

Are there details? Yeah, he does have no shirt. Yes! Do you think when the guy crashed his car and it started on fire, and then he decided to light his, what I'm only imagining is a Marlboro soft pack, when he lit his Marlboro off it,

as he leaned in, he said, coolest fucking lighter I've ever seen. Then the cops show up and they're like, do you do this? And on the exhale, because that's the only way to live, he went, fucking lit this cigarette with it, bro. This story does end

with a great quote. Go on, do it, do it. All right, Erica, hit it. A DUI suspect in Citrus Heights, which is where Golden State Killer is from, Yeah, that's right. allegedly tried to use his burning car to light a cigarette and lost part of his eyebrows in the process.

Who called that? Randy called it? She mentioned it. Okay, okay. According to the CHP's traffic incidents page, 25-year-old Robert Quigley rear-ended an SUV that was stopped in traffic on Interstate 80. Wait, he rear-ended what?

An SUV that was stopped in traffic. His car then caught fire, and witnesses told the CHP they saw him try to switch seats with a female passenger before officers arrived. You know, they ran into the SUV. He definitely blamed the SUV.

Then he looked at his future or current ex-wife and said, do you love me right now? And then proceeded to throw her under the burning SUV. No, but that's the moment where he's like,

you got points on your license? And she's like, no. And he's like, I don't have a goddamn license. Get over here. Okay, keep going, Erica. Witnesses also said that Quigley walked over to the part of the car that was burning and attempted to light a cigarette,

singeing off part of his eyebrows in the process. The article then goes on to say he was arrested. It was his second DUI that week. Damn it. That week! That week! Oh my god! RQ, now I'm worried about it. Now I'm worried about it. I'm like, RQ, you want to go, you want to set

anything on fire that doesn't hurt anybody other than yourself? Go for it. But stop drinking and driving, buddy. Oh, two DUIs. Get him the Uber app. Jesus Christ. I love that he was like... How would he light his cigarettes then? Oh, that's true.

You know what, dude? They probably, from the moment they left his, like, former in-laws cookout to the moment he ran into this SUV, you know she was saying, I should be driving. And then as soon as they hit it, he was like, all right, you're right.

Get over here. You're on, you're on. You're on, let's switch. You're up, you're up. Let's switch, let's switch. All right, hit should be driving. And then as soon as they hit it, he was like, all right, you're right. Get over here. Let's switch. Hit me with it. I'm going to quote Dan Van Kirk and say, I'm going to leave you guys on this. Yes. She's good. Fox 40 reports that Quigley later told an officer, quote,

Yes. Yeah, I'm not afraid of fire. I deal with this kind of stuff all the time oh beautiful oh my gosh erica you know what erica erica i'm doing it for you oh he does he does deal with that stuff all the time about twice a week apparently although maybe he thought he meant getting fired oh i deal with getting fired all the time that's right alex i know who you are as you rock that beautiful lid yeah dude you own that gpt hat nobody's been to more town halls than you. This would be

number five. What level of the drip campaign are you? I'll let you guess. You are a council member. How did you know? Yes! We could name his council right now. Oh, no.

I'll let you guys decide. Okay, alright. Hit us with the story. Hit us with the story. Hit us with the story. I wish I did not have to follow that story. That was a good story. Yes. She killed it. I have some questionable police work.

Oh, good. No shit. In today's day and age? In this day and age? Two sheriff's deputies made an unlikely aquatic rescue Saturday after a group of women were stranded on a rainbow unicorn on a lake in Chicago County, Minnesota. Of course. Okay. Can we stop naming cities for other states or countries in this other state? It's confusing.

Wait, is it Chicago? Chisago. Oh. Chis city. It's confusing. Wait, is it Chicago? Chisago. Oh. That's where I want to go. Chisago. Still too close. It's like the Western family. Right, right.

Welcome to Chisago, the breezy city. That's right. I was going to call it the spindly city. Yeah, there you go. Wait, hold on, Alex. The idea that they had to rescue women stuck on a unicorn raft means before they showed up, there were 30 minutes of help. Help us. Help.

Help us. Help us, you fucking bitch. Help us. And there's like a girl on the side. Just paddle, Heather. No, I'm not paddling. It's their job. Help us.

Stephanie, we're out of sangria. Kelsey, this is why no one likes you. This is the worst bachelorette party ever. Yeah, because you're here, Kelly. Don't sit on the horn like that. That's so weird. I have the horn. I have the right to talk.

You're not supposed to be getting off like, you guys, you guys, you know what's so ironic? What? I used to believe in unicorns. Oh, Kelly believes in unicorns. Well, I believe I don't want to fucking die with you. Oh, my God.

Well, I fucked your brother. There you go. How about that? How about it? How about it? Oh, cool. Congratulations on the herpes. Again, these girls sound amazing and I am... Why am I not on this raft? Oh, I know. I would hang out

with all of them. If anybody... You know what? If a Vietnam vet said to me, we're riding a unicorn on a lake, I'd hang out with all of them. If anybody, you know what? If a Vietnam vet said to me, we're riding a unicorn on a lake, I'd be like, when? All right, keep going. Two Chisago County deputies were driving by Fish Lake near Stark

when they observed... Where are you a cop, Chisago? Chicago, that must be rough, man. Chisago. Oh, okay, never mind. We're going to go back over here. Yeah, you know, we took down a guy throwing mints at the gas station the other day.

We see a lot of action. We see a lot of action is my point. Shizago PD. Labor Day weekend, we had four people shot by mints. You guys, that's my favorite TV drama, Shizago Fire. You know, I can't stand the Shizago guy.

When they observed a group of five women floating on a large inflatable rainbow unicorn. For an hour before they did anything. The duo pulled their squad car over and asked the women for a picture. What? Yes. I would be like, fuck off. Exactly. However, the deputies noticed a woman

was stuck in the lake's thick weeds. One deputy filmed the other as he grabbed a rope and threw it to the stranded women. What? Quoting the tweet by Chisago County sheriffs. Delete your account. With a handful of laughs

and some mad rescue roping skills, they pulled back to the dock. Guys, this is what happens with bored cops. That's it. Hey, dude. Kyle, hear me out. I think I can save them by myself.

What if you filmed it I want to be in the video Colin Colin you got to be in the video when we chase that dog I just love that they just Tried to rope him in And I love that there's one girl who's in the weeds And like that is the way to describe Her entire life

Debbie I'm in the weeds right now. I cannot calligraphy your invitations. Brooke has been in the weeds for, like, weeks. All right, thank you, Alex. Alex, thank you very much. Love it, dude. I mean, and what's interesting, Alex, is, like, the fact that that ended with a police tweet.

Now the police are on Facebook. They're on Twitter. Like police are like posting stories on Snapchat. And you're like, wait, that just went away. All right. Mike, you see. Good evening. How are you, buddy? Welcome back. Mike, who believes in himself. I do. What do you got for us? I know you

guys like titles. Yes. Some of the podcasts say you could just enjoy the title. Uh-huh. So title uh-huh so i have a by title you mean a headline right yes okay well they are kind of stories but i love that mike reads a newspaper and he doesn't see headlines he sees titles okay he all by the way he also sees dead people all right so just sometimes oh so i have a local police blotter with six headings okay cool i thought you might like to pick one or more whatever tickles your fancy oh nice let's do it they run them all right just run them just

just the headings dumb cop in the morning not always discreet uh-huh damned parking meters geriatric stalker wait are, are these the headlines? These are the headlines and we get to pick the story. Okay, keep going. Okay. Two more. Okay. Dirty plaid man.

Dirty plaid man. That's mine. I don't care what comes next. Dirty plaid man. That's like a Glen Campbell song. I say we'll pick two because I can tell from now they're pretty short. That's actually Glen Campbell. Okay.

Yeah, they're the longest one is four sentences. Okay, cool. And the last one is Graboid. What is it? Graboid. Graboid. Statoid. Graboid.

I literally thought you said Gravel Boy. And I was like, ooh, Gravel Boy. And as a bonus, the title of the book. Yes, don't ever change. Neighbor Blair's Hitler Speeches at 7 a.m. Okay. You know what? You know what?

I'm not giving that motherfucker any time. Not exactly. Okay? I would like to hear Dirty. What do you think, Jay? Dirty Plaid Man. I think it's Dirty Plaid Man. Let's do two.

Okay, let's start out. Well, we might do two. Let's hear Dirty Plaid Man. Okay. Dirty Plaid Man. Okay. Dirty Plaid Man. Excuse me. A citizen reported a dirty-looking man wearing a plaid shirt walking down the middle of Caledonia Street screaming his head off.

That's it. Oh, wow. That's it. And you know this is the police law. He's just looking for a fish concert. Sausalito, California. He happily was yelling. Walking tour.

What was it? Say it again, Mike. Sausalito, California. Sausalito, California. For the tour. Sure, yeah. And you know that he was yelling, someone will listen to me.

You don't believe me? Someone will listen to me. Or he's having the half of the conversation he wanted to have with his girlfriend who broke up with him. No, I didn't, Sheila. Seven years ago. Yeah. This could be the lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

Do we know the guy's name? What if that's what he was yelling? One, two, princes come before me. Kneel before me. That's what I said now. So you guys want Graboid? Let's do Graboid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Graboid. Some random guy grabbed the buttocks of an employee at an establishment at Bridgeway and Johnson Street. Again, Salt Slater, California. Too specific. Those are too many details. Yeah. They start so vague. Some random guy.

But here's everything else you need to know. How about we fucking call out the dude who's an obvious piece of shit rather than the restaurant? This is like our old joke we made on our show on MTV back in 1997. We're talking about horoscopes. Just Jason read the horoscope on the thing. And I said, something good or bad may or may not happen to you in the near or distant future.

And then my character was like, that is so Capricorn. That's great. You guys are such a couple of brooks, I swear. Police were called and talked to the guy, but the victim, upon further thought, elected not to press chargers. What? And that's a typo. I assume it's charges.

Chargers. Chargers? San Diego. You know what? I don't want to press the chargers. They won last week. I'm going to go with the Chiefs this week. I don't want to press them. Rams.

Rams? I only have the small brick. I can't press it. I hope that whatever person was violated by this guy decided not to press chargers because literally when they were like, no, I'm not going to press chargers. I'm good.

And then when the cops left, they looked at the creep and was like, don't sleep. That's a good one. Thank you, Mike. Thank you, Mike. I love it. Yes, dude.

Yes. Okay, we got two more Okay two more Yes ma'am what's your name? Angela Welcome to town Lincoln Journal Star Yes Sword wielding

You're already done You win It's a reputable paper You don't want to know how crazy this is sword-wielding naked... You're done. You're already done. You win. You win. It's a reputable paper. I actually know... You don't want to know how crazy this is? For anybody who doubts me in this town, I am just a boy trying as best I can, but I already know what story this is.

I swear to God. Sword? All she got out was sword-wielding. I apologize. What was your name again? Angela. Angela, does a rifle come into play? Yes, it does. Told you! Oh, my God! That was sword wielding. I apologize. What was your name again? Angela. Does a rifle come into play?

Yes, it does. Told you! Wow. Dan was like, I can name that dumb person in two beats. You guys have no... You're like, oh wow, they only did three stories. I read a hundred to get those three. Okay, go for it, Angela.

Okay, sword building is the adjective. Sword building, naked man. Chased off by man with rifle. Wow. Lincoln police say. What if the sword building was like, what are you going to do, motherfucker? And the guy was like, this.

Well, yeah, there you go. to do, motherfucker? And the guy was like, this. Well, yeah. There you go. First Amendment, allowed to be naked. Second Amendment, allowed to aim a rifle at a guy. Don't you agree? Okay. Lincoln police are looking for a man who exposed himself to another man while wielding

a sword early Saturday morning. Oh, so he brought a sword to a dick fight. a sword early Saturday morning. Oh, so he brought a sword to a dick fight. At Daniel Van Kirk. This is like the worst version of that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Don't look. Don't look, Mary. Don't look. Keep going, Angela. The second man, 26, told police he was sitting in his car at West South and Southwest 9th Streets. Okay. Those are not streets. Hit it again. Repeat it.

I'm going to see if I can do it. West South and Southwest 9th Streets. Which they pluralized. What? They're both 9th Street. You know where 9th Street crosses 9th Street. Which they pluralized. They're both 9th Street. You know where 9th Street crosses 9th Street? Is it the north side or the southwest

west south side? God, I feel so weird for how much I remember. Angela, can I ask you, do they give the time? Yes. Oh my god. I know. And isn't this the weirdest part? Hold on. Angela and I are having a moment. Back off. Angela. He's sitting. Okay. Everybody's like, oh isn't this the weirdest part? Hold on, Angela and I are having a moment. Back off. Angela, he's sitting... Okay, everybody's like, oh, well,

the guy came up to him with his dick out and his sword out. That's a double-bladed situation. However, however, isn't it weird that he's in his car at this time? Sidebar. Guys, isn't it weird, Angela? Yes, okay, yeah. What time, Angela? Yes. Okay, yeah.

Listen to this. What time was it? 4.30 a.m. Okay. Yeah. By the way. Who is walking their dog? After walking his dog.

Yes. I'm sorry. I thought you said that already. He's sitting in his car after walking his dog. He already walked his dog, and now he's sitting in his car at 4.30 in the morning. So he did a 4 a.m. walk of his dog where he drove somewhere else to walk his dog. Right. Which kind of means, hold on, let's just bear with me for a second.

This guy sleeps naked, right? Past couple mornings, he's been woken up by this fucking creeper at 4 a.m. at 4 a.m. sitting in his car where he doesn't live claiming to walk his dog. And he goes, you know what? I'm going dick out with this motherfucker right now and I'm going to say, what are you doing, you weird ass? Is that possible?

Is that possible? Unless the dog can only shit on streets that are both ninth streets that cross. I hope that is that the guy's dog that he was walking was a labradoodle and he came out with his dick out and said, I got

your labradoodle right here. Also, you know, I hope that his dog is a rescue because every rescue has a little weirdness about them. And he was like, well, your dog may be afraid of beards. My dog only shits on ninth streets. Maybe the dog can only shit with a naked sword-wielding guy there.

Yeah, yeah. But the dog was like, oh, thank God. It's like he doesn't like people with swords. I'm sorry. He doesn't like sword people. All right, Angela, hit us. So here we go. At 4.30 a.m., after walking his dog, a naked man approached him with a sword.

Kind of on the naked guy's side when you think about the weirdness. By the way, is terrible writing. At 4.30 a.m. him with a sword. Kind of on the naked guy's side when you think about the weirdness. By the way, it's terrible writing. At 4.30 a.m. After walking his dog. After walking his dog, a naked man. So they're like, you would think the naked man was the one walking his dog. I don't know what a parenthetical is,

but I feel like it's in the wrong place. Okay, but here we go. The naked man tapped the driver's side window with the sword. Oh. What? All right. See, that's his fault.

He should have tapped it with his dick. I'm sorry. Tick, tick, tick. And then he should have tapped that ass. Let her finish. The next sentence is

he unlocked the car door with his dick. But the scenario I gave you, aren't we kind of a little on maybe the naked guy's side? I am. Maybe? I'm not saying we are, but we could be. We could be. And the 26-year-old grabbed his rifle from the vehicle. Chasing the man into a...

Well, that's weird. Gun in your car is weird. Chasing the man into a wooded area nearby, Lincoln police officer Angela Sands said. Now here's, are you ready for the last part? Yes. Police have only a generic description of the naked man. You know what? That's an insult to his penis. Right.

It was forgettable. Thank you, Angela. Thank you, Angela. That was not forgettable. You good, Angela. Thank you, Angela. That was not forgettable. You good? All right, that's it. All right, I think that's all of our townie stories. How great was this?

Guys, did you have fun at Town People Town? You guys had fun? Awesome. Then I'd better see you at every show for the Petalama Comedy Festival. Sklars, have a show Sklars have a show tonight. I have a show tomorrow. We have posters outside.

Emma, when are you up? I'm at 8 tonight at the Big Easy. Big Easy tonight. We're 8 right here in the same place. We have special posters that we made for this event that we'll sign for you guys and we'll take pictures and all that stuff and we'll take a photo with everyone who contributed.

Thank you guys for being here. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Thank you guys. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Hungry Down.

It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.