Dumb People Town - Aaron Urist - You Gon' Get Bit

Episode Date: March 15, 2019

Aaron Urist joins the show to discuss the story of a man arrested after biting a man while arguing about conspiracy theories... in a hot tub.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population yourest. Aaron Urest, the Leon Urest of comedy. People have said that aboutulation, you. Population, Eurist. Aaron Eurist, the Leon Eurist of comedy. People have said that about you, haven't they? Specifically, you two. Because most people, when you're doing stand-up, there's an exodus from the room. No. Oh, come on. Kidding.

Aaron Eurist is one of our favorite people to tour around with and work with. We were paired up with him in Denver. Actually, we checked in with our buddy Adam Catenholland in Denver, and we said, hey man, we need a good feature act for these shows that we're doing out. I think it was the one we were out in the... Landmark.

Out in the Landmark Club. South Club. And he said, I got the guy. Best comedy. So he suggested you, and we always inherently trust that dude. You were fantastic. And then we had you come with us to Austin, which was fantastic as well. Love it. Love it.

And you're here. You're in L.A. I'm so happy you're doing some shows here. I'm so excited to be here. How have you found it? You came and it just immediately started raining. Yeah. Yep.

Sorry about that. That's what happens. I have a profound negative effect on the weather. You know the phrase, bringing the pain? You bring the rain. I bring the rain. He literally made it rain. And you also bring the funk. I do.

But not the noise. No, never. I'm very quiet. Quietly funky. Quiet funk. You're quietly funky? You're a quietly funky dude. I'm a quietly funky.

This started out as a joke, but it's actually pretty accurate. Pretty damn accurate. I'm a quietly funky person. Well, dude, I'm so happy you're here. We've got stories. There's dumb stuff happening in the world. We've got a story. There's dumb stuff happening in the world. So much. We need to break it down in the best possible way. We have to understand it

so that we can try to fight it. Fight it. Right. We see it. You travel around your comedian, you see a lot of it. Everywhere. An incredible amount of dumbness. And we are aware of it. That's what we you're a comedian, you see a lot of it everywhere. An incredible amount of dumbness. And we are aware of it. That's what we do as comedians is try to sort of... Harness it. Harness it.

The dumb. Extract it. Try to, yeah. Turn it into cologne. Create a serum to fight it. Daniel, what do we got? Let's jump into it. Let's do it.

Sent in by Big J Mills with a Z. Two L's, one Z. I want to party with this guy. At Big J Mills with a Z. Two L's, one Z. I want to party with this guy. At Big J Mills on Twitter. Sounds like a dumbness connoisseur. At BigJMills.gov. What up, Big J? You know that's everywhere.

What up, Big J? Big J. Big J up in the house. Big dog. Big J Mills. Millsy. Millsy. North Salt Lake, Utah. Oh, yeah. Ally. North Salt Lake, Utah.

Oh, yeah. All right. North Salt Lake, Utah. We've been to Salt Lake. A California man was arrested in Davis County, Utah. How did he get there? Crossing state lines. Traveled to get there.

Yes. He traveled to commit crimes. Really, we have one story, so I don't know why it's even a problem. We can do this all day sidestep just because this hit me when I said Utah twice

have you guys watched Abducted in Plain Sight nope no is that the Elizabeth Smart story no what it is a documentary

about I can't even am I because of kids it's going to freak me out beyond belief dude you will

want I can't will want to. I can't. I want to hunt this person down and kill them. More than one person. You guys, this is what I wrote, okay? And I sat on this. This was so important to me to put out. I sat on this until peak Twitter hours.

So I'm like, I'm not burning this at midnight. This is like a noon tweet. Yes. That's so hard to do. I can't. You don't have that self-control. That's why I'm bad at Twitter. It needs to happen now.

Don't you also have some where you're like, oh, this will be good around 1 a.m. Next time I'm up late. I tweet it out. Twitter after dark. If you want to keep saying the words This shit can't get any crazier And be wrong

Go watch Abducted in Plain Sight You will call me up I'm not shitting you Especially for anybody listening I love all you townies Go watch this documentary Tweet at me at the 22 minute mark Because that is when

Everything is going to change. Am I going to want to go to Utah to do our shows there? Find these people and kill them? Strangle them in plain sight? You are going to be enraged. Enraged. And also in disbelief.

Guys, I love that you haven't seen it. I can't wait for the text that I know I'm going to get. You are. You're going to get them. You're going to get them. Aaron, you too. I want to know what you think. I will definitely check it out.

Okay. Aaron's already watching it. I'm doing it. During this episode. Stop. Stop. Put your phone down. Aaron, shut up.

You're not lying about that funk. I'm not lying about it. He brought it. Sorry, that was a little loud. That's all right. You're good. Okay. A. I'm not lying about it. He brought it. Sorry, that was a little loud. Okay. A California man. In northern Utah. I haven't finished this sentence and you guys are going to love it.

Davis County. Yes. Was arrested in Davis County, Utah Tuesday after police said he bit another man during an argument about conspiracy theories while they were both in a hot tub. Yes. God damn it. Yes. Oh, it's so powerful.

Aaron, do you love your story? I love it. Aaron, you have been given a gift from God. This is beautiful. He bit another man while arguing about conspiracy theories in a hot tub. Is this apres ski? Is this an after ski hot tub? We're tired.

It's a conspiracy theorist ski retreat. Once somebody says, I'll tell you. Or a conspiracy theorist ski retreat. Once somebody says, I'll tell you. Or a conspiracy theorist spa. Once somebody says, I'll tell you what they don't want you to know, walk away. Get out of the hot tub. Get out of the hot tub. Or if someone starts a sentence with, well, you know about. Oh, I know.

Get out. Just be like, I'm sorry. I'm getting a little prunish. You know this isn't really water, right? No way. Get out. Get out. Get out.

If you said, I know 9-11 was an inside job, and now here's another inside job, you pull down your pants in the hot tub. All right, I'll give you a bite. We'll see where that road goes. That's a fair bite. Right. That's a bite on the shoulder to get away. The government doesn't want you to know what this rash is. No.

No one wants to know. No one wants us to know. I'm afraid to find away. The government doesn't want you to know what this rash is. Nope. No one wants to know. I'm afraid to find out. According to an affidavit of probable cause released in Utah's 2nd District Court, detectives received a call Tuesday saying a man had been assaulted by Brian David Boyack.

Oh, man. B-D-B. B-D-B. Professional Bigfoot Hunter. Brian David Boyack. B-O-Y-A-C-K. Check out my Hummel collection online. Brian David Boyack.

Boyack. Okay. A man had been assaulted by Brian David Boyack. I want to know what his conspiracy, what were they arguing over? Did they even get into this? Yes, they did. Oh, man. And a, quote, large chunk of his ear had been bitten off.

No. Why do they always go for the ear? Because he's like, I'm going to whisper this conspiracy to you. There's microphones in this tub. There's microphones in this tub. This is like that scene in The Firm where you turn the music up a little loud and talk to each other. Hold still.

Hold still while I whisper. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Some conspiracies have to be whispered. Dan, you're joking, but I bet that's how he got that close. That's exactly how it happened. There's microphones everywhere.

I mean, there probably was almost like in a burglary that is an inside job. I'm not getting all conspiracy theory. There was probably no forced entry, so to speak. But you know the guy who got bit was like, okay, dude, you can whisper. Stop grabbing my arm when you talk to me. Go on my arm and just tell me. Go on my arm and just tell me.

Get off. Go on my arm and just talk. It's like two kids fighting in the back of a car in a long car ride. I knew you weren't ready to hear it. Brian David Boyack. Now you tell them Boyack told you this. It's boyack.com slash angelfire. Go to my MySpace.

It's the only one not being monitored. They think there's nothing there and that's where the truth is. Me and three Mexican bands. We're both going to play Fortnite at the same time. If we do it in the middle of the night, we have a good chance of being randomly put into a group. Then I will

write the answers in ammo. I will shoot the answers onto a wall. In it. We'll both go to Loot Lake. We'll both get what we need. Jason, stop. Stop. You do know what all these things are.

I don't. None of us do. Detectives made contact with the victim at the emergency room, the affidavit set. He's just bleeding. And we're told that Boyack had bitten the victim's ear following a conversation about big corporations and conspiracy

theories while the two were in the hot tub. Corporate greed. At one point, there were six to seven people in that hot tub. That all cleared out and left this guy with David Boyack. Brian David Boyack. This guy was laying

down with his eyes closed. And he was doing the head back. Head back and he's like, I don't see what's so bad about Bank of America. Oh my god! Boyack. You got Boyack. You got Boyack. Boyack's like, obviously you haven't listened to the Wells Fargo episode of The Dollop.

Boyackity-ack. Boyack's like, obviously you haven't listened to the Wells Fargo episode of The Dollop. Boyackity-yack. Came up from under the water like a Navy seal. So this guy thought he was alone. Boyack. Boyack, Boyack, Boyack. He just came up, bobbed up, took a chunk, and then went back down. I'm gonna hear him out, babe.

I'm gonna hear Boyack out. They're spraying us. You listen to the Joe Rogan podcast. That's not jet fuel. Look at that. There's no reason that should evaporate. Why am I seeing chemtrails at night? Fucking Walmart.

Boyack does sound like a buoyant kayak. Yes. It makes sense that this would happen in water. What if he's in a buoyant kayak. It makes sense that this would happen in water. What if he's in a hot tub in a kayak? I can't get in there. He's in a boyak. A boyak is a kayak sized for little boys? He's in a tiny kayak.

Put your son in a boyak and tell him to come along. It's only a class two rapid. We're going to take a quick break. We're going to get into more of how these conspiracy stories started and what happened in the hot tub with the victim and Brian David Boyack. I can't wait.

It's a Dumb People Town Friday. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, we're back. Our guest is Aaron Uris. Before we get back into the story and the conspiracy theories. It's a good follow on the old Twitters and the old Instagrams. Please.

You are. Tell them what the address is. It's at Aaron. I guess you don't really need to say the at part. No. Because everyone has the at. Aaron Uris. U-R-I-S-T.

U-R-I-S-T. A-A-R-O-N. U-R-I-S-T. Follow him. Follow me. I need it. All right. Should we get back into it for us?

Let's do it. Okay. Okay. So, Guy Bitt, Conspir All right, should we get back into it first? Let's do it. Okay. Okay. So, Guy Bitt, Conspiracy Theory, Hot Tub. Are they going to? Brian David Boyack. And it's about corporate crime. Here we go.

The victim. Biting is such an intimate crime. Really? Is it like? One of the most intimate. More intimate than sex. And the ear, too, because it's, you know, like if I was pushing you away, I could maybe see how a hand might end up near the mouth, but you're in there.

I think a headbutt is intimate. Sure. But biting is like... Headbutt, that's the fighter's kiss. It's the kiss of assault. It's an angry kiss. We went the same way, right? Yeah, the fighter's kiss.

It's the kiss of assault. It's literally you saying, I want to put some of you inside of me. The victim said he worked for big banking business. At which point, I think three people in the hot tub who knew Brian David Boyack immediately got out of here. They saw the dead end of this road. Don't ask any questions, baby. This is going to a different place. He just told Brian that he works for big banks.

We're out. We're go. Three people looked at their arms like they had watches on. They were like, wow, it's getting late. It's getting late. Wow, this hot tub's dirty. The victim said he worked for a big banking business, which is too vague. Not a thing.

Big banking business. He's lying. By the way, if I was sitting next to this guy, I'd bite his ear. Don't say that shit. And the conversation became heated to the point where Boyack began to pack up his and his family's belongings. His family! That they brought to the hot tub. Guys, they're all relatives staying in this house together.

It's like some sort of family and friends. Airbnb? I don't know. This was in a house? Yeah, they're outside the house at the hot tub. I figured this was in the one Motel 6 that has a functioning hot tub. A holodome.

I love the holodome. I know. We've been over this before, but playing ping pong. It was Mary Lynn we were talking about. Playing ping pong in a kind of sweaty, steamed up windows. It's great. I'm working on a whole bit about how much I hate ping pong. The victim said he worked for a big banking business.

The conversation became heated to the point where Boyack began to pack up his and his family's belongings and put them in a vehicle, which means it is the middle of the night. This guy is wet in a swim truck. He's dripping everywhere. Kelly, get your shit. We're going. He said he works for a big bank business. He got out of the hot tub, went to a vehicle, and came back to the hot tub to buy this guy. Boyack.

The homeowner, who's also the victim, I think, locked Brian David Boyack out of the house because he was, quote, acting crazy. Of course. And he didn't want Boyack driving, which is also kind of nice. At this point. Don't drive crazy, guys. At this point, so now, let's picture it. Everybody else has gone inside. It's the middle of

the night. Two men are, I presume, still, they didn't take time to dry off, so they're still wet in their swimsuits. One of them is loading shit into his minivan in the middle of the night, yelling at his family that they're leaving. The guy who owns the house, also wet and in his swimming suit.

Locks the door. Locks the door. To keep him out. To keep him out and also keep him from his keys, I guess. Keep the Boyack out of there. At this point, Boyack picked up patio furniture and started throwing it at the front of the house. Why do you have patio furniture in the front of your house? Because he brought it.

That's what he was packing up. Got to pack up all these cut-off shorts and the patio furniture and get it in the key of Sorrento. Do it right now. The victim stated he went out of the home. Never go out into that. That's their realm. Don't go out. You don't want to blame a victim here, but get stayed in the house.

You're giving up strategic positions. Three numbers. The second the first chair hits the front of the house, nine, one, one. You should know better. You work for big bank business. That's right. You should know. Watch Game of Thrones, people.

If you're in the castle, don't open the door to the walls. That's your position. That blew my mind on that show. Just don't put the drawbridge down. They don't know how castles work. Right. Don't open the doors. This shit is fortified.

Keep the gates closed. So at this point, he starts throwing padded furniture at the house. The victim stated he went out of the home to tell Boyack to stop damaging the home, and that's when he was attacked. Yeah. During the attack, detectives stated Brian David Boyack held the victim to the ground and bit off a chunk of his ear. Wow.

So it didn't really happen in the hot tub, but okay. After the victim was bitten, the affidavit stated that Brian David Boyack got into his truck and drove off. Without his family. You gonna get bit. You gonna get bit. Investigators.

That to me would be a great name for a blue collar comedy album. You gonna get bit! Or Brian David Boyack's own TV show. Right. Or autobiography. It's a game show. It's like, can you push...

You gonna get bit! It's all about conspiracy theories. Nobody wins, but you might lose. Boyack is lurking behind the contestants if they say anything that's a trigger for him. You gonna get bit! Investigators were unable to locate Boyack, but were later contacted by him, and he was taken into custody after turning himself in. All right, Boyack's coming in.

Hot. He says he's coming down to bite us. This one kind of bit him in the ass, didn't it? According to the report, here's what he told officers. Quote, I've done something horrible, but I don't want to answer questions. That kind of sums up his whole life. He was not talking about the biting incident. That had nothing to do with the biting incident.

That was something else. Boyack was booked into Davis County Jail for one count of mayhem, a second-degree felony. Mayhem. Mayhem. Yeah. Wow. He's Allstate. Yeah.

Three counts of domestic violence in the presence of a child. He's an Allstate. Three counts of domestic violence in the presence of a child. All third-degree felonies. One count of criminal mischief. A Class B misdemeanor. And one count of intoxication. They'll get you in Utah. The chunk is really bothering me.

A Class C misdemeanor. I know. Did he eat it? Is it gossip? No, you spit that out on the ground. You would, but Boyack don't waste food. Are you guys ready for this? It's like the buffalo to Boyack.

That's right. Use every part of the ear. Hey, man, we're not wasting anything. This isn't big banking. Brian David Boyack looks exactly how- Like you think he should look. Yes. If you were like, oh-

Wait, don't show me yet, and I'm going to tell you what I think. Okay. I want to hear. Buzz cut. Okay. Goatee. A little bit overweight. Okay. Aaron, what do you think he looks like? But works out. here? Buzz cut. Goatee. A little bit overweight.

Aaron, what do you think he looks like? But works out. He has a mullet. Most of a mullet. But it's messed up. It's not a well done mullet. Shirtless. One tattoo on the arm. That he did himself? He did it himself. Absolutely.

Carved it with the bottom of an umbrella of patio furniture. Of a hot tub. And it says, rather be here. Rather be biting. You gonna get bit. You gonna get bit. You gonna get bit. I think he's got a beard, full beard, crazy curly hair that is unkempt.

Okay. And he kind of looks a little like Mick Foley. Okay. That's good. I'm going to tell you this. All three of you are a little bit right. What if I said exactly right? That's so good, Dan.

What if I said all three of you are exactly right? All right, this picture will be on the Facebook page. If you are listening to this podcast and you aren't a member of the Facebook page, what are you doing? Become a member. You get all this great stuff on there, and we let you know when things are happening. Do it right now. It's Facebook.

You need to become a member. All you got to do is like it. Follow it. Aaron is probably the closest. I love it. But you guys all had elements. As soon as I show it to you, get me your guess on how old you think he is. Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Okay. Ready? Oh, my God. He looks like the best character that Colin Farrell's never played.

Yeah, I know, right? 137 years old. No, you are right. Aaron, you were close. You made the goatee part really well, too. Jay, you were good. Okay. He's beautiful.

You want to go first, Tigger, third? Where do you want to go? Brian David Boyack. How old? I guess the agey. And we'll get out of here on that. I'd like to go first. Okay. Sure. Brian David Boyack. How old? And we'll get out of here on that. I'd like to go first. Okay.

Brian David Boyack. We know him now. Creator of the hit podcast, You Gon' Get Bitten. Welcome to You Gon' Get Bitten. 41 years old. Okay. Jay? 36.

36 from Jason Sklar. Yeah. That's a good guess. I think it's 34. 34. Yeah. From Randy Sklar. 34.

41, 36, 34. All right. Follow Aaron Uris. Go see him when he does live stuff. Get your answers in. Opening for comedians like the Sklar brothers. Amazing. Really talented and a great dude.

And go to supersklars.com. Go to danielvankirk.com. All right. Ready? Mm-hmm. Brian. David. brother. Amazing. Really talented and a great dude. And go to supersklars.com. Go to danielvankirk.com. All right, ready? Mm-hmm. Brian. David. David Boyack III. A man that hates big banks and loves the taste of use.

Don't get bit! Throws patio furniture, leaves in the middle of the night, and likes a good hot tub. You gonna get bit. You gonna get bit. Has a messy mullet. It is a messy mullet. It is a stringy mullet.

It is a stringy. It's a carny mullet. It's a carny mullet. It's a hot mullet. It's a mess my mullet. It is a stringy mullet. It is a stringy. It's a carny mullet. That is a carny mullet. That's a hot mullet. That's my mullet. That's my mullet. It's a mullet of life, not choice. You gonna give me that?

He is 43 years old. Yes. Yes. Yes. Way to go. Way to go. I feel so good. You knew your man.

You just walked right in and took it. I've met Boyack. You know from Boyack. Oh, man. You just walked right in and took it. I've met Boy Act. You know from Boy Act. Oh, man. I got the bite mark to prove it. What a great story. Thank you, Aaron Uris. And oh, shit, we got to get back to work.

Thank you so much. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb