Dumb People Town - Adam Carolla - The Fin Don't Lie

Episode Date: February 21, 2017

Adam Carolla (The Adam Carolla Show) joins The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk on a journey down to Dumb People Town! Adam tells the guys about honing his ability to read people. The group then discusses Story #1, which involves a toilet snake (the venomous kind). After deliberating upon Joe Rogan's theory about killer whales and the merits of human dorsal fins, Story #2 emerges -- spoiler alert: it concerns an illicit cartwheel in choir class. Next, Adam regales a tale about stolen eclairs. For Story #3: a scientific study about work efficiency and..."releasing tension." Mark Wahlberg makes an appearance to clear the air about missing Super Bowl memorabilia.

Thank you. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Alright everybody, welcome to Dumb People Town, another episode. We keep chugging along with great guests and we're thrilled to have this guy on because I've said this to Randy before. You know, when we met you, we were fans of yours already through Loveline. Adam Carolla, welcome to the show. Thank you.

Great to have you on. But one of the things Randy and I said was it's amazing to us that you didn't start as a stand-up comic like way, way, way, way, way back. Like you were in construction. You weren't doing comedy. That is strange because your mind thinks like a stand-up comedian always. Your takes are well thought out just bits. They come out almost like fully formed. It's like if you were to shit a Mona Lisa.

Like, I didn't put this in. You shit out fully fleshed out bits out of your mouth, which is kind of amazing. Well, thank you. I've always sort of thought I should have a grasp and an idea and like a motivation for what this is before I say it. And so I don't know. I guess there's a lot of people like I could remember when we used to sit around Jimmy's writing table a million years ago. And I was just in the writer's room and I was sitting there once and I was with Bill Simmons,

we know from the podcast. And at some point he said to like somebody, like someone was pitching an idea and he went, uh, nah, it's not funny. That's not funny. It should be something else.

And then we're like sort of looked at him and said, what do you want to do, Bill? And he's like, I don't know. Not that. And I thought, you got to have your own. You got to have an idea behind that. You got to have something chambered before you raise your hand. And I've just always sort of felt that way and been that way and i'm i'm thank you i'm i'm flattered that you that you bring that up but to be fair to bill it was something with

tom brady i can't remember what it was well he was protected exactly he was he was protecting a lie that we all know but i uh i've i've just thought your your job is to try to get it out, choose the verbiage, be succinct, and do it in such a way where it's like, oh, that might be a finished product, even if you're improvising. Yep. But they're like bits. And I will say this. It's almost like you figured it out as you were doing your show. And I think what's interesting is that Dan, Daniel Van Kirk, joining us.

How you doing, bud? Dan, who is relatively new to stand-up, but been doing podcasts with us for a long time, came into stand up with a tremendous ability to take a story or something that happened to him and immediately break it down in a way that he would on the podcast. But on stage, it's like, yeah, it's a fully formed bit. This just happened. He'd'd lose his computer at Midway Airport

the day before. You know how comics go, this happened to me yesterday, and you're like, that's bullshit. It would happen to him on the way to the gig, and suddenly he's got a 29-minute story about it. I don't want to be a one-upper, but I do a lot of jokes where I go, here's something that happened to me in the future.

Wasn't even like my girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. She will break up. a lot of jokes where I go, here's something that happened to me in the future. How do you do that? My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. She will break up. And this is why she will break up with me. And there you go. That's as fresh as the comedy comes. It's fresher than... To be able to predict the future is great. How long have you been doing this?

You were on Loveline for a decade. We just did your phenomenal podcast, The Adam Carolla Show. Thank you. You were on were on love line for a decade we just did your phenomenal podcast the adam carolla show thank you uh you were on love line for about a decade is that yes and in that time you know when someone calls up just by the sound of their voice your first thing is who touched you yeah who touched you i mean like just the way they say hello who touched you well you know you pick up so much in people's tone and cadence and attitude and it's so much more than you would get if you were in the room with those people yes you know people do this thing all the time where they go you never even met this person how do you know or you haven't seen this person or you haven't looked them in the eye, whatever it is. I go, exactly. I know a lot more because other things cloud other things.

I mean, when somebody looks a certain way, sometimes good, sometimes bad, there's so many different directions you can go when you just hear their voice, especially here. It's clear. So you're sitting there in the middle of the night in a windowless room and you have the headphones on. And I would always just close my eyes and I would just listen to what their voice sounded like. And after a while, patterns start emerging, like angry people obviously sound angry. But you can do a thing where it's like, oh, gay racist people sound racist. They don't have to be talking about race.

No. There's just a certain sound that people start to have for everything. Let me tell you another thing. And you're like, oh, you didn't even say one thing. Here comes something about Mexicans. Yeah. And another. And even if I agree with those thoughts, I could still.

Yes, and. I went to the ground. Yes, you like to bump things up. Well, not only lazy, but. They all. No, so you would start hearing things in people's voices. And then there were little things like the sort of angry female who was angry at her dad. And it was really easy because you'd go like what do you do for a living and they'd go

i work and you'd go oh that's a super angry cunty like passive aggressive here it comes that wasn't the answer i am the dad in this relationship you're getting it out yeah and now i'm getting what you're giving me the super short curt, Kurt, whatever. And then you go like, you know, and who do you work with? I go, I work with people. And you go like, okay, she's fucking seething, angry. And by the way, this is pure because I don't even know her. She's pissed at me. So what did your dad do to you and for how long?

Did he use lube? Those are all my questions well i love that you are i feel like you're well versed in this area of being able to pinpoint exactly what is going on with a lot of anybody a lot of times dumb people doing dumb things and that is what this show is it's dumb people town we've arrived we're here with like i would say a dumb people expert yes adam carolla here and i may have spoken to more and interviewed more dumb people than maybe other people. Oh, I'm sure you have. I'm sure you have.

So then when Dan, who gets these stories sent to him through our wonderful fans and listeners, they can send it to hashtag dumb people town. Hashtag dumb people town. At Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter. We then try and break down and figure out the actions of who they are. So who better to break this down than the great Adam Carolla, who's with us right now. Let's do it. Shall we jump into a story?

Let's do it. Lance Hunter. He hashtagged Dumb People Town. At Lance Hunter. To me, sounds like someone who actually hunts Lance. With a lance. Not a gun. Yeah.

He's looking for lances. He's got a gay bar kind of theme to it, too. The a gun. Yeah. He's looking for Lance's. He's got a gay bar kind of theme to it, too. The Lance Hunter. I'll see you down at the Lance Hunter. Hey, are there any windows at the Lance Hunter? No. It just smells a lot like cologne. Hold on.

There's one in between the two stalls. Oh, that's right. It's not very tall. It's about waist high. It's a porthole. Don't take a knee, though. It's Lance Hunter. Unless you want to take a knee.

Unless that's what you're into. That's why you're at the Lance. I'll see you down at the Lance Hunter. It's a gay TV show spun off of the classic early 90s, late 80s TV show, Hunter. Remember Hunter? Fred Dreyer. Just walking around punching people. Yeah.

Remember? He had no qualifications. Was he an ex-cop? Are you a cop? Are you a detective? Are you an... Nope. Just a former NFL player.

Well, he opens up his wallet and it's just nothing. And then he just punches you. Well, he played by his own rules, which there's a lot of that going on. And he did a lot for male pattern baldness on television. Oh, sure. Yeah. Well, because he was simultaneously balding with also big, thick head of hair at the same time.

Yeah, he was a defensive end for the Los Angeles Rams. Overshadowed by Jim Youngblood. And how about the fact that the inside linebacker was named Jack Youngblood on the same team? What about Joel Youngblood? Wasn't Joel Youngblood a guy there, too? I don't know. Jack and Jim both played on defense. They weren't related.

Their last name was Youngblood, and you couldn't have solved it by putting a J in front of either one of their names. There would still be confusion. It's like the supermarket chains in Los Angeles, Vons and Johns. We've always said this about Johns. Vons, pretty good. Decent. Good. Johns, way lower rent.

Also, how lazy do you have to be? Because they take that piece of Lucite and the O and the N and the S is all sunblasted. And then they put a little triangle to make you think it looks like a V. They want you walking in there and it feels like it's a Vaughn's. Until you get inside and you're like, how the fuck did I get inside the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul? Yeah. It's crazy. Was that a bat that just flew at me?

Also, it's fun to go to bad markets because you're like, you eat that part of the pig? Sure. Snouts and feet, man. And you're like, what? It's funny, I didn't realize Mr. T had a line of salad dressings. Suddenly, I have that. Look at his 700 Island.

That looks amazing. Shaq's run down to the baby food. I didn't know that. He's got pineapple baby food. That's awesome. Well, Lance Hunter said this one, and he said the part that makes this perfect in his tweet. The dumbest people in this story are the ones who didn't move. That's great.

Go buy it. Beautiful setup. Jason McFadden was at work one morning in late January when he got a text message from his wife, Cassie. Quote, what the crap do I do? It read. Okay, this is almost too much backstory in an article. Really? About something.

No, no, no. You get a text from your wife, your girlfriend, what the crap do I do? That means she's partly blaming this problem on you. Right. Right? Like, look at what I have to deal with. Now, you tell me what to do since you're not here to deal with it. Mm-hmm.

The text was followed by a picture of a rattlesnake inside a toilet in their Texas home. Oh, I heard about this one. Well, if you live in Texas, you should expect to have a rattlesnake inside a toilet in their Texas home. Oh, I heard about this one. If you live in Texas, you should expect to have a rattlesnake in your toilet at least once. Yeah. That is the price of living in Texas. You're going to go to a football game on a Friday night, and you're going to have a rattlesnake in your asshole. Adam, you've done so much work.

Yes, plumbing work. Work with contractors. You have a great show. Thank you. How does a snake snake where has the piping faltered that a snake gets inside well let me explain how these things work and first off that's why so i'll explain how toilet works i'll explain how drain works a sink works in a in a tramp works like the reason the tub is different than the the toilet but this why

if you're in texas you should also have a mongoose in your pantry. Rikki-tikki-tabby to come in there and handle it. Just destroy it. It's preemptive. Yeah. Yeah. So the toilet, so what you have is a trap, and that's that U-shaped thing that's underneath your sink, right? And the reason you have that U-shaped thing that's underneath your sink is that's where water sits.

So when you run your sink, the water goes down the sink and it goes around and out, but a certain amount just settles in that U. So if you picture the U, the last four inches is filled with water. with water. Well, that creates a vapor lock so that the gases that are in the septic system don't go back up into the pipe and go in and bleed through your sink. So your house doesn't smell like shit.

Right. And so if you ever get into a situation where it's like you're walking in your entry hall and it's like, God, it smells bad in here. That's because no one used the sink for three months and the water evaporated and you lost your vapor barrier. You need the vapor lock.

You need the vapor lock in there. Now, toilets have the trap built into them. They don't have it underneath like your shower has it or like your sink has it. It's built into the actual toilet. You can see it in the molding sometimes. You see it on the side.

In the trap. And the thing is that's pretty defeatable for a snake, you know. Pretty much its shape. Pretty much its shape, yeah. Listen, the thing you use to unclog your toilet is called a snake. Why would there not be a snake

there? You should be surprised every time you look in the toilet there's another snake. There should be a snake there? You should be surprised every time you look at the toilet. There is a snake. There should be a snake. Quote, like everybody else, Jason McFadden said, my jaw dropped. The snake in the toilet was initially discovered by the couple's young son, Isaac McFadden, four years old. Isaac only saw the head at first, then tried to flush it, said his father, and it kept coming up. The snake was like.

We've all had that. In one way or another. You've already washed your hands, you just stand there waiting to flush again. How come a snake or any other predatory animal never hurts a kid as long as the kid doesn't know it's in danger? Right. Every single movie

there's like a gorilla or a baboon or something, he's like petting it. Nice fluffy pillow. Because if the kid's dumb enough, they become friends. Yeah, they sleep on him and they tug their ear. And then the second you walk in your bathroom and start screaming, that's when it pounces. That's what happened at the Cincinnati Zoo. It is. Everybody would have been cool.

This kid would have been fine. It's like Wile E. Coyote when he runs off a cliff. Only when he looks down. Falls when he realizes it. He really has to look down. He has to say yikes. Right. And then he goes only when he looks down. He really has to look down. He has to say, yikes. And then he goes down. If he just stayed in a suspended state

of I'm still on the cliff, he's fine. And that's what kids are constantly in with wild animals. They do that when they're hurt too, right? You guys all have kids, I know. But you say to a kid, you're fine. Nine times out of ten, they will be fine.

You say you are horribly injured, all of a sudden they're horribly injured. My favorite thing to say to a kid, you're fine. Nine times out of ten, they will be fine. You say you are horribly injured, all of a sudden they're horribly injured. My favorite thing to say to kids. And that's exactly how we work at our house. Look, when I see something happen bad to my kids, I'm like, I saw that. Doesn't mean it's good or bad. It just means it's kind of like one of those confusing things

that they don't know that they're going to have to figure out and then they're kind of like beyond it. Right. I saw that. Because they are coming up with a little bit of like, did you see what just happened to me? I saw it. We vlogged it. I saw it.

So Isaac, the four-year-old, repeatedly in the bathroom trying to flush a rattlesnake down the toilet. He told his mother, said Jason McFadden, who was a little skeptical, because we have stuffed animal snakes and toys, she said. You know, kids kids they do stuff which means she either a doesn't believe that there's a snake in this toilet or b cares so little about their plumbing that if he's just trying to flush one of his stuffed animals down the toilet that's fine let him do it we don't care kids they do stuff they'll flush anything down the way you know first off i put a pox on my sister because we're so goddamn stupid my sister you know it is true they have these snakes they look like snakes they move they feel they whatever why wouldn't they be a

snake and especially to a three-year-old when my kids they're 10 now they're twins my kids were like three two three years old my sister bought them like this 148 piece mr supermarket swap set yes where it's like oh you got a shopping cart you got your carrots you got your produce you got your broccoli you got your everything so it's this big thing it's made in china it's covered with sars and lead paint and what's in it is carrots, miniature carrots, miniature broccoli, spinach, apples, cherries, everything. I know it. Except for it's all made out of plastic. Wood or whatever.

Painted by two-year-olds. That'll kill you. Disgustus. So, you go down, you eat dinner in your kitchen, and there they have the carrots and the cauliflower and the celery and everything, and you're arguing with them. Come on, eat it, eat it. Come on, eat it. Just put one in your mouth.

Just put one in your mouth. You're picking it up. You're taking a bite. You're giving them a bite later. Later on, you go up to the bedroom. They're playing in their room. You come walking in. They're now gnawing on a carrot,

and you slap it out of there. Get that out of your mouth. What are you doing? Get that sucker's carrot out of your mouth. What are you doing? Come on. You want to choke? That's how you break a hostage.

What? Confusion. What the fuck kind of message is this? Now, look, those candy cigarettes are illegal, right? Yes. I remember them. Right, because we don't want to... You spend the beginning part of your day begging them to eat this stuff.

Then you spend the evening slapping the shit out of their mouth because they're eating a thing that looks exactly the same. They're three years old. Is this the worst gift you could ever get? A human being. Same with the snake. Same with the snake. Yeah, so she's like, I thought it was a toy so that's fine. Kids do stuff. Very attentive mother. When another son yelled out

about it, this time more alarm in his voice because she didn't trust the four-year-old. McFadden said his wife knew something was wrong. McFadden said he recognized the snake as a threat and told his wife to kill it she grabbed a broom he said an attempt to block it in the toilet the snake which had first been spotted by the couple's young son as i said pushed its way out and slithered onto the floor they say what happens next involves like a garden hoe a branch cutters. This seems like overkill for a snake. How many times did you try and fail?

Oh, my God. But that day, okay, you got a broom and you're trying to keep it in the toilet and it comes out. I shut the door to the bathroom and leave the house. Yeah. Why? But you don't want it. Then what if it's in your house somewhere? You got to keep it in the bathroom.

Keep it in the bathroom. Well, you said shut the door, but we don't know how much swing is under that door. It's undercut too much. I think I'd go coat hanger to pick it up and out like they do with hook deals. I only have the wooden ones. Oh, fair enough. I'm kind of rich. That's true.

That's too rich for my book. They smell of cedar. No, so the deal is this. First off, there is no item that is used specifically to kill a snake. It's always like, I used a backhoe. I used a garden hoe. I used a wooden wheel. I used a tire iron. I used a wood chipper.

I used a wood chipper. There's no one item that's just used to kill snakes. A snake killer. Because it would be called the snake killer. Yeah, the number one thing is a shovel, evidently. But also, I agree. I'm of the mindset to just shut the door and maybe move and not tell my family. My kids, this life is over.

We're done with this life now. Like the Oakwoods up here, like some executive thing. Just tell my family. I just want to get my hand together where did he go snake in the bathroom you guys would have definitely left

because McFadden went home to make sure everything was okay when he returned to his job he also went ahead and tracked down

a local snake company or removal company to swing by their home because he can only use the phone at work what do you mean

he's out of minutes that in a nutshell is how the McFadden family discovered that there were more snakes around their home. A lot more snakes. Oh, my God. I'm going to ask you guys a little game that we like to play, a little number game here on this show. How many snakes in total, including the one in the toilet, did they find?

24. You say 24? I want to say 12. 12 from Jason's car. I'm going to say 400. 400. In total, 24 Western Diamondback Rattlesnakes. Get out of here!

Heard the story. Okay. But still, not paying attention in three days ago. Yeah, you retained it. 24 Diamondbacks. They were located on the family's property, including the one in the toilet, according to a Facebook post from Big Country Snake Removal. Feel free to sponsor this show.

Follow us on Facebook. 13. Who is going to follow Big Country Snake Removal on Facebook? When you need them, you will. I just like what they post about. I don't know. I feel the same way about

when they come out with a, they show a movie trailer and then they want you to go to their website. I'm like, I just saw the trailer. What else am I going to do on your site? Or a company like Mr. Follow us, Mr. Clean.

Follow us on Instagram. Yeah. Follow you on Instagram. Why? Clean floors. No, I'm with you. Like you, you have a company where you make sponges. One is sponge.

The other has a scouring side to it. I want to hear what you have to say about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I got to go online. Yeah. Yeah. I think I know what you have to say about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I've got to go online. Yeah, I think I know what you do. Thirteen adult rattlesnakes were removed from a storm cellar at the McFadden home. According to the Facebook post, another ten were removed from under the house.

Five of the snakes at the property were babies. The family in the post said they had no idea. Of course they didn't. If you are a four-year-old kid, you are never going to sleep in that house ever again. Yeah. I'm afraid. They win. That's bad parenting.

But it's also, it's a one-upper kind of conversation at a cocktail, you know? You can't beat it. You can't beat them. We had cockroaches. They were all over the kitchen. And then someone else will chime in and like we had a mouse infestation

how many mice did you have well we saw three you saw three but if you see three there's five that must have been rough for you guys feels like a lot

and then you just lean back and be like anybody else have any other silverfish oh I mean they're not harmful but obviously

nobody wants to look at them. So, you know. I guess that's everybody. Well, actually, our koi pond, we had way more koi fish than we thought. Oh, oh. What's that? Oh, we had a barn owl eat one of our koi. Ooh.

That's kind of nature to do it. How do you explain that to the kids? I don't know if you could do anything worse than that. We had 24 rattlesnakes. One in our toilet. I believe this dinner party is over. People sound. Just the sound of cars, doors closing,

and people leaving. The next sound is people getting their coats. I'd be like, we didn't open my wine. Can I just take it back? You dropped the bottle opener. C's take it. All right. Yeah. You drop the bottle opener with corkscrew on the ground in the kitchen. There's walkie here, the reverberation, like they were doing a bad movie, even though it

couldn't make a noise like that, but still does it anyway. Yes. Yes. We'll get out of here on this. How is this possible? The Facebook. Well, it just happened. It's very surprising. Jason McFadden

said of the discovery, kind of gut-wrenching a little bit just to know that that many snakes were living right under our feet and we didn't even know it, literally. You walk into your boss. We've all had jobs where we've worked regular jobs, regular offices, whatever. You walk into your boss and you say, listen,

my wife just found a rattlesnake in the toilet. What boss doesn't say take the day off? I will pay you for this day. He had to come back to work. Why? Unless you're a surgeon, you don't come back to work. I think he wanted to go back to work. Honey, are we done?

Are we done now? Can I go back to work? I came. I came home. There is that thing, and you guys tell me, well, Sklar, you know like tell me well sclars you know and that you're married you have kids and your whole life is like god these kids uh they're always pulling us a thousand directions they always want they're pulling on mommy they're pulling on daddy everything and then at some point you find yourself alone in the house with your wife and you're like uh i'm gonna watch tv i know all we do is complain about not having this but i am kind of used to going where i'm going and closing the

door and watching tv but now this is kind of awkward this is we either have to have sex or one of us has to die i should be drawing you a bubble bath but i i we're just here yeah we're wasting this i don't know what to do. Let's just do our own thing. Let's just go to our separate parts of the house. You guys are like the date scene from Batman when they're in the room. It's like, I've actually never been in this room before, and they don't even know how to interact at a table.

Yeah. My kids, they went to a Valley Forge in Pennsylvania for like six days days and my wife and i are just left alone with our own thoughts now that's you are you aren't prepared for that and we don't know what to do like more eye contact in the kitchen or not sure what how we're supposed to handle this you start fixing everything in the house start working on stuff that's not even broken yeah let me let me just let me just i just want to re-screw in the light bulbs. Is that okay, honey? Yeah, it's weird because you do have this thing where it's like you feel like you're...

I think it's a lot like when the daughter is reunited with her biological mom and they're just standing on the porch. It's like, I've been thinking about this for 31 years. Yeah, we are. Here we are standing on the porch. It's like, I've been thinking about this for 31 years. Yeah, we are. Here we are. After the hug. Everything after the hug. It's a big porch.

All right, I'm going to go watch TV. That's right. I don't know what to do. I'm going to go watch TV with Corolla. That's what it is. All right, let's take a break, guys. This first segment in the books. Adam Corolla here with us on Dumb People Town.

And, of course, he knows exactly how to zero in with Daniel Van Kirk. We are the Sklar Brothers. Stick around. More Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town.

Please, if you're not following us on Twitter, we're at Sklar Brothers. He's at Danu Van Kirk. Adam Carolla is at Adam Carolla. Go listen to his podcast, his hilarious, all the stuff that he's got going on. See it live? Adam Carolla Show, live stuff. Where can they find all your dates and all that stuff? You just go to AdamCarolla.com. And Where can they find all your dates and all that stuff? You just go to adamkrola.com.

And you can just find the books. Adam, do people have access to the super old episodes back when it was just you and another person having a conversation? We just did our 2000th episode. Congrats. Wow. That's insane. And we also have a whole bunch of other motivational stuff, stuff I call take a knee. We also have a whole bunch of other motivational stuff, stuff I call Take a Knee.

It's sort of like one-on-one with interesting guys like Mel Brooks and stuff like that. We talk all about their life and luminaries from the business world and stuff like that. And if you go to AdamCrawler.com and you do the subscription for like $2.99 a month, you have access to all the archives and then all the Take a Knees and all the live shows. I started listening back when you would just have those conversations i'll never forget i was home in rochelle illinois listening to your episode with joe rogan one of his first times on when you started out the podcast and joe told his theory about there's never been attacks on humans by killer whales since world war ii because that's how pilots trained, by shooting killer whales in the Pacific Northwest. So, Joe believes, and other people do as well, that they all communicated with each other

and said that we are the higher species. The killer whales are? Yeah. So, outside of captivity, they've stopped attacking humans because we used our fighter pilots to train by shooting them during World War II. Well, they don't attack unless they're at SeaWorld. I forgot about that as well. That's unbelievable.

I was sitting there not high, having my mind blown. I think I like about killer whales is they have that dorsal fin, and it wilts when they're unhappy. And I'd like one of those. Yes. I'd like just to walk around with my dorsal fin flipped over. People would know exactly how to come at you. Hey, don't bother him. Don't talk to him.

My kids would be like, leave him alone. He's not taking you to Knott's Berry Farm. Look at the dorsal fin. He's obviously not having a good day. Give him space. My mom wants to talk to my wife. I'm like, the thing is down. You can't talk to her. Somebody get that guy coffee and a bagel. Look at that dorsal fin. And then leave him alone. And then just let him have it. that guy coffee and a bagel. Look at that dorsal fin.

And then leave him alone. And then just let him have a coffee and a bagel and then walk away. Yeah. And also we could have moments, too, where it's like I do that move where I get up from my nap on a Saturday and my kids are eating In-N-Out Burger with my wife and they're all eating and Sonny played his basketball game and then they're all digging into a double double. And I go like, oh, did you buy one for me? And they go, no, we just picked it up.

And you'd see my fin start to slowly move over. And then I'd be going, because I keep a stiff upper lip, I'd be like, it's no problem. I'll just go ahead and thaw out a shepherd's pie or something. We can see the fin. It's going down. The fin wouldn't lie. The fin would betray you.

The fin wouldn't lie. What did Rasheed Wallace always say? Fin don't lie. The fin don't lie. The fin don't lie. And I'd say, as I've said before, you know, I do pay for the burgers. And I condone you paying an extra $2 to get an extra one. For me.

And if we get stuck with one, then Sonny will eat it, or I'll eat it, and Finn would just be flopping over. I love that you would have a blanket statement. Feel free to include me in my money that you use. Yes, I've done it many times.

It's a blanket statement. You're going to In-N-Out. It's always funny, because you'll go like, I didn't know if you wanted a burger or not. First off, it's an In-N-Out. My wife's always funny because she'll go like, I didn't know if you wanted a burger or not. It's like, well, first off, it's an In-N-Out burger. I have a fucking full load. Bring me an In-N-Out burger if I'm in the process of eating an In-N-Out burger because I will have the other one.

If I got a job at In-N-Out and you pulled in and you order an extra one for me to eat on my break. Because I'm working there. So this thing where it's like, I didn't know if you wanted an In-N-Out. I was like, well, first off, it's one in the afternoon. And yes, I'm not vegan. So no, I want an In-N-Out burger. But at $2.21 a piece, and I'm rich,

feel free to just grab an extra one. And there will never be a scenario where I go, what's this rogue burger doing here? What? How dare you? I was going to have strained peas. What are we doing, people? We're never going to get this back in the cow.

Come on now. You will not get in trouble, literally. It's not a scenario. The one scenario doesn't exist. Of course, there is this scenario of, did you get me a hamburger? All the time. And we never have to... All you're doing is waiting in line and then giving them the credit card that I pay for.

So how could this ever... It won't take any longer. But the dorsal fin would just be... Straight out of there. But I would love it to go the other way. Did you... We bought you a burger. You know what?

I'm good. I don't really need one. And the fin starts going up. And you're trying to act like you're not in the mood for a burger. And the fin goes the other way. Fin don't lie. They don't. Fin don't lie.

You want to do another story? Let's do one, dude. Sent in by Winona at Winona underscore Rose. A substitute teacher. Already. Already you know how she...

Without you saying anything else, I'm like, overextended his or her power. That's what I'm thinking. Well, it's always, too, like, really think about substitute teacher. Like, are you into kids? Kind of. I'm into all of them. Like, three days a week? Maybe two? Right. Not every

day. Not every day. Not every day. The only thing you're into is you're in between jobs. Yeah. That's what you're into. Into other people's kids? Not really. Yeah, like, maybe six times a month? Maybe? Here's what i'm into as a substitute teacher disrespect yeah because that's all you get yeah that's what you get it's like the same hours as a fireman but like none of the hero worship or anything else and when i was a kid

if we knew there was a substitute it was just game on like Game on. Lights out. Game on. A substitute teacher in Oklahoma was arrested on indecent exposure charges Friday after doing a cartwheel in front of high school students while not wearing underwear. Man or woman. Wow, that dude's a hero. This is her. Oh, okay. Kind of attractive. She's kind of attractive.

Mm-hmm. You, yeah, you would watch the cartwheel. Yeah. Yeah. They're high school. You can't. You, yeah, you would watch the cartwheel. Yeah. Yeah. They're high school. You can't not watch a cartwheel, especially a spontaneous cartwheel. Although, it's not like she sat there and put her feet up. Mm-hmm.

She didn't Sharon Stone it. Right. Well, according to police, Lacey Sponsler. Yeah. Sponsler. 34. Lacey Sponsler. That's a very Lacey Sponsler. 34? Yeah.ler. 34. Lacey Sponsler. That's a very Lacey Sponsler.

34? 34. Yeah. 34 seems old when you're in high school. We all know, like, 34 is pretty young. 34, she's got plenty of bad decisions still to go. Right. Exposed herself to a choir class of juniors.

Oh, boy. At Pawhuska High School, about 50 miles north of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Lacey Ponsler. Was there a context for the cartwheel, number one? Number two, I've had it happen, and I don't know if you guys, it must have happened with the Sklars, but I was just shooting a promo thing for Spike the other day,

and I just pulled up, and the wardrobe chicks were like, oh, we got these jeans, and we got these shirts, try the jeans on, and they're standing there, and I was like, I just pulled up, and, you know, the wardrobe chicks were like, oh, we got you. We got these jeans, and we got these shirts. Try the jeans on. And they were, like, standing there, and I was like, I'm not wearing underwear. Like, I realized, like, I did not put underwear on. Like, I'm naked, and I got to go in the other room and close the door or whatever. But I don't always have a clear 100% understanding of whether. Or remembrance that you put it on.

I put on, like, if i'm wearing sweatpants like now i'll put on underpants and if i wear jeans i won't and you know if i just spontaneously celebrate with a cartwheel that's kind of on whoever's around you know exactly she was wearing a skirt yes yes police report alleged that the incident was caught on video on a female student's cell phone which showed the teacher doing the cartwheel and, quote, exposing her bare buttocks. Okay, so enough time for a kid to get out her cell phone. She announced the cartwheel. No, get to her photo app.

Sure. You know, because that takes time. You guys want to see a cartwheel? Switch it to video. Who wants to see a cartwheel? No, I'm getting my phone out. You have to keep going. You have to keep switching it from photo to video.

I want the cartwheel context, because I feel like... Who's asking for it? I'm getting my phone out. You have to keep going. You have to keep switching it from photo to video. I want the cartwheel context. Who's asking for it? She's in this choir. They're doing maybe some choreographed thing. Nothing is physical. She's working something out. She's a huge Patriots fan.

I don't know. The fact that the camera was out suggests that she was leading into it. Oh, I'm going to do a cartwheel. No, you're not. Well, originally, Sponsor denied having done the cartwheel, but upon being confronted with evidence of her doing it, she changed her story and claimed she did not remember doing the deed. Right.

You know the principal was like, did you do, you didn't do a cartwheel? Like, how long did he let that go on? So you're just saying you didn't. Did you do a cartwheel? You didn't do a cartwheel. Did you do a cartwheel? Like, how long did he let that go on? So you're just saying you didn't. Did you do a cartwheel? You didn't do a cartwheel. Did you do a cartwheel? No, I did not. No, I did not.

Me neither. One time when I was working for A&B Carpets, always better carpets or something, we were cleaning carpets. Yeah, the part where they have all the evidence and then just start asking random questions and you know what they're asking, but all you can do is lie. Right. We were cleaning the Russian tea room, which was in the Beverly Center a million years ago. And they'd left us there all night to clean the carpets and then lock up.

And we were just having shots. We got into the bar and we were having shots. And I went into the back and I found the the dessert freezer and there's like eclairs and lady fingers i was just 19 just shoving in my mouth and then i guess one of the guys i was working with chris was also somehow found that area with shovel and stuff and it's anyway the next day i talked to my boss art and he was like how to go over the russian tea room i was like good good it went really good you guys did all the work you did a good time yeah yeah it was good yeah everything went on schedule perfect and we cleaned everything up when you got out of there we couldn't even tell

you were there i'm assuming but when you left no it's good it's good it's all good then he's like so if i were to call them he's like did you eat anything i, no. I mean, here's the part I like. I don't remember. Not that I can recall. In my lifetime? Yeah. Stuff in my lifetime. The second he asked that specific of a question, you're clocking, does he know? How much does he know?

What does he know? How does he know? Does somebody talk? What's he know? What's he know? So I was like, I don't know. Maybe. I don't think so.

Like, maybe I may have had a bite of something or something. We were too busy cleaning the carpets. And he's okay so you sure you sure you didn't have any like dessert did you have any dessert i was like i don't kind of remember no like i had something with a pecan i don't remember it's you like walking into a room with there's no lights on and you've never been in the room before and i know he knows something i know what do i know my buddy chris we both got drunk because i left the bar open and so we got drunk and my buddy chris unbeknownst to me went into the the cold storage room and he found a case of like these eclairs and he thought we're going to take them. But we got to smuggle them out of here. So he stuffed them into the solution

tank of the carpet cleaning machine. And because he was drunk, he forgot. And he left them in there! So when we left the fucking van overnight, Art, who was cleaning out the machines, found a case of... You would have gotten away with it had he not done it.

Would have gotten away with it. And Art knew he had a carpet cleaning machine with a case of eclairs stuffed in a solution tank, but he wouldn't share that with me. And I had no idea what Chris was up to. I knew I'd gone into the freezer and eaten some stuff. That's great. You can't write it any better

than that you're dying for his mistake. You're on the vine. This woman, you know the principal was like, so you didn't do any sort of cartwheel or anything? You were fine in class, didn't do anything. The kids seemed to have a great class. The female student also claimed Sponsler was talking about taking drugs and, quote, how she thought 14-year-old boys were just like men.

The student said the teacher announced she was not wearing underwear prior to performing the cartwheel. That's when the phone comes out. This is a woman laying the work down for having sex with one of these kids. She's like, we're going to have a relationship. She's picking them out in the choir. By the way, you're going to allow

for her to do it a lot more than you are if it were a male teacher. Now it's a harmless little cartwheel. That's like 17-year-old, 16, 17-year-old kids. Yeah. They're one year away from being legal. Depends on the state.

Well, you know, it's always sad and telling when guys see this. When you hear the story, the teacher had sex with the 15 year old she had sex with three 15 year old boys and they did it in the same afternoon and went to her house and they did it on a lounge chair by the pool and like all the women are disgusted and the guys are like geez oh boy what the hell is this world coming to and then they

show a picture of her and she's hot and then the the guys are like, oh, okay. I can see. All right. So that's cool. You're going to ask these boys who are in the throes of puberty, who are just literally like have their sexual peak, have all this ammunition that has to get unloaded. It's like it's like a role as Chapman in his garage. You got to fire that shit off somewhere. You just fire it into your own garage. They that's what happens.

And if she's going to put herself out there like that, it is going to be very difficult for a 15-year-old boy to be like, nope. It's going to be very difficult for a 15-year-old boy to not say yes fast enough. Right? I would make the ultimate defense attorney for one of these

teachers because they always do these ones where they had these like two-year affairs with the guys from time they're in the 10th grade to their senior year and blah blah blah and they're like hot blondes and they're out of florida and blah blah blah blah blah blah and then at some point it ends up in court and the prosecutor starts talking about irreparable damage and psychological damage and this boy's going to need therapy for the rest of his life. And he's not going to trust women. He's not going to trust adults.

And I would say I'd let him wax on forever. And then I'd go, I got one question and one question only for the victim of this crime. You're 19 now. Yes. This went on from 15 to 17. Yes. Since it stopped until now, have you ever beat off to it? Yes.

Earlier today. Case closed. We're done. I dropped my briefcase. Close out the briefcase and walk out. Anything you beat off to is not scarring and it's not a violent crime. Like if you own a liquor store

and some thug comes in in strong arms, you don't beat off to it. No, you don't. Well, some people might. You have beat off to this multiple times. Thus, where's really the victim in this scenario? You can't claim that it's a victim thing. And you know he had to have beat off to it hundreds of times.

If he says a few. Even if he says a few times. It's like Andy Pettit. You really took steroids once? No. Right. Add a few times. It's like Andy Pettit. You really took steroids once? No. Right. Add a couple zeros. The most graphic part of the police report came at the end, where the student claims

to have seen Sponsler's vagina open and close in the process of the cartwheel. All right. Mm-hmm. I mean, it was talking to her. Yeah. Open and close. Open and close. Open and close.

First of all. Why is it? You're too close to the cartwheel. That's right. That's open and closed. First of all, you're too close to the cartwheel. That's right. And I would say, as Serge Fett, this is an open and closed case. This is an open and closed case. It just sounds like

Chief Wiggum's kid from Simpsons. There was a vagina, and the vagina looked at me, and it opened, and then it closed. Ralphie. Mr. Wiggum? Can we stop dropping dimes on everybody? If I was a 17 year old kid

I would be like, guys, nobody needs to tell her. We need her to be a sub as much as possible. Every time. I would be so mad at the people who let it out. Don't take your phone out. Do not take your phone out. There is no evidence.

Sponsor explained her behavior by saying she was, quote, just dancing with students and trying to be a cool teacher. By the way, that sounds worse than what she did. It sounds way worse than what she did. I agree. If she would have said, I opened and closed my vagina in front of them, I'd be like, okay, just dancing with the students. Trying to be a cool teacher.

It's not like she let a bird out of it or anything. Open and closed. That's not even how cartwheel works. A tiny parakeet. Like a hummingbird. Now the class has to take care of it. It becomes like the class pet.

They gotta name it. And they change the choir name to take care of it. It becomes like the class pack. Yeah. They got to name it. And they change the choir name to the Hummingbirds. Yeah. Just a tiny bird flies out, and that's the end of that one. Two stories down in the books. The great Adam Carolla is with us on Dumb People Town. Thank you guys for listening. We'll be back with one more segment right after this. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Final segment. We should mention we're going to be in Cleveland. I know people are getting their tickets there at the Great Hilarities March 9th through the 11th. Then we'll be in Portland, Oregon

the 23rd through the 25th with Daniel Van Kirk at Helium. Phenomenal comedy. I know you've been to Helium up there. Great club up there. Then we'll be at the Moontower Comedy Festival in April in Austin, Texas. That'll be a really fun... 21st and 22nd. Dan will be there too. We're going to do a live Dumb People Town while we're there. We're doing shows and sets. That'll be a really fun... 21st and 22nd, I believe. Dan will be there, too. We're going to do a live Dumb People Town

while we're there. We're doing shows and sets. It'll be great. It's a great festival. Really, really good time. And again, check out all of Adam's dates to see him live at adamcarolla.com. Shall we jump to the last story? And then we have a great guest coming at the end. That's right. Which we will keep as a surprise.

Toad King at The Toad King sent it in. I hope that's right which uh which we will keep as a surprise toad king at the toad king sent it in i hope that's his real name it's like the the worst version of a counting crow song ever yeah uh i just saw this story i saw about this study and i i could not wait to hear what you guys thought of it and then when it worked out that adam you were going to be our guest i know you will have an opinion masturbation breaks should become a new workplace trend, according to a new report. Absolutely. How much work do you get done in the minutes after a good masturbation?

The refractory period work is, I mean, that's how we landed the man on the moon. Yeah, that's right. We're not going to do this unless everybody calms down a little bit. There's a companion piece to hidden figures. A lot of figures were hidden there. Yeah, a guy spanking in stalls. That's how we got those men safely to the moon and back. That's right.

Taking a few minutes to de-stress and, quote, relieve tension while on the job could actually boost productivity and make employees happier, psychology professor Mark Sargent of Nottingham Trent University told Metro U. This is the kind of fact that, like, is why Norway is the happiest place to live, because they have, like, jerk it breaks, whereas because

we're a puritanical society based on puritanical beliefs that no longer exist and no longer apply to the life that we lead, that is the reason why it's very difficult for us. I don't know if I need this to become a common part of every workplace. Because have you ever been, I don't know, back in the day, renting something from Blockbuster or even at the grocery store when they're very busy

and a manager starts to argue with someone about how they need to take their break? Yeah. I don't need to hear this. I don't need to hear this. I don't need to hear this. I have you jacked off. Have you jerked off? Because before you come back and handle these people's produce, I need you to go jerk off. Please just release the tension.

We're going to get a penalty and then I got to pay you extra. I'm not doing it. So please go rub one out. By the way, think about and I don't want to get too macabre here, but think about mass murders and stuff like that. Sure. If they had just jerked off

like before. Yeah. Instead of- Release the tension. Instead of on the corpses. You know what I'm saying? Yes. But do you want to know

everyone you work with is jacked off? No, but I always think about like studies and, you know, they always have, they do these studies and then they always get these groups.

And I would like to be involved with this study because like this guy's got to go to the break room in the lab and they got to be like, what are you doing? I'm here for the sleep deprivation study. How's that go? It just sees how long you can ride an elliptical without sleeping before you die. Okay, what are you here for? I'm doing the beat-off study. Oh, why did I get the beat-off study? Yeah, I got to get back to work pretty quick here.

I just want to grab some Danish and drink some Pedialyte. Well, don't touch everything. Yeah, you know what? I'm going to actually have a banana because there's... Just take them all. Just take them all. Just take them all. You've touched them all. Just take them all. Just take them all. You've touched them.

Just take them all. No, I just want, I need the Pedialyte and the banana has a lot of calcium and potassium. And the doctor says I'm losing a lot of that. So anyway, have fun with the sleep deprivation. We're looking at a elliptical thing, yeah. Also, later on, we're going to find out how cocaine affects masturbation.

So that's going to be fun. Should be fun. A lot of good variables. Not as fun as what you're doing. I really think you're doing God's work over there. Dr. Cliff Arnold, a psychologist and life coach, agreed with that assessment. Quote, I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling, Dr. Arnold told Metro UK.

Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus. Look, I think there's a moment where we all do what we do, and we're sitting here on these microphones or you're up standing in front of people, and you think to yourself, I can't believe we get to do this. Having worked other jobs yourself, having put yourself in like hard labor situation i just think about when i was a grave digger yeah like i don't need to be doing that anymore i drove that monster truck for a while so you know so i life coach does every life coach just have a moment where like i can't fucking believe i got paid for this yeah god you know what i mean like it's like it's not even psychology psychologist psychiatrist advice life coach is just like there is no way to test whether you're doing it right there's no way to check

whether you're it to me is like a niche of and they do well like somebody complains you get to come back with i'm sorry i'm your life coach, not your this year coach. So has it ended yet? Let's take the long look. Let's see how it goes. Let's take the long view. I couldn't be a good life coach. I feel like the information I would dispense would be good, but I'd constantly be telling people to take a lap. Like, they'd be

like, hey, you're five minutes late to our life coaching session. And they'd be like, sorry, I ran it. Well, why don't you think about it while you're taking a lap. And while you're out there, jerk one. Just jerk one just jerk one by the way it's not a chair grab a knee let's go i'm gonna have to confuse i'd be wearing bike shorts with two snaps on them in the front clipboard tucked into the back like i'd take my coaching pretty seriously that would be but i mean it just there has to be a moment. I see that. I remember watching that. Do you see that Metallica documentary? Yes.

Monster. Yes. You know, God, the life psychologist, that life coach for the band. When that guy came in to kind of like really ease the tensions between and he's like, what are you still doing here, man? He's like, I was going to go on tour and keep you guys going. And they're like, what? We don't fucking need you anymore.

And by the way, like your psychologist telling you it's cool, even important and medicinal to beat off at work is like your nutritionist going, oh, fudge is fine. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that.

Got a bad rap. Yeah, got a bad rap. No, help yourself. Oh, really? I was kind of guilty about it. No, by all means. By all means. The topic of work masturbation breaks come up in the wake of a survey by Guy Fee. I don't know how that's pronounced. Guy Fieri.

Yeah, that's who did it. He did it himself. Have you ever met Guy Fieri? They've been jerking it that way for 62 years. No, I've never met him. I mean, let's roll out. I feel like I know him because he's so him. Just a bowling shirt with a goatee.

Right. Yeah. He's the personification of Smash Mouth. I know. The topic of work masturbation breaks came up in the wake of Guy Fieri's study survey described as a masturbation pop-up booth. I guess they had one of these in New York. That found that 40% of workers in New York already take such breaks while clocked in.

I don't think I've ever jacked off at work. Look, this is also one of those moments where you need to make sure. Well, as a grave digger, that would be really disrespectful. Like when the grieving family comes around, like, what's he doing? He's just releasing some tension. Why is he hunched over? I'm trying to be more productive. That's Nana.

That whole idea did itself. Nana would have won it this itself. That's right. Nana would have won it. That's right. Hey, she died doing what she loved. No, but this is one of those times where at work- She died doing what I love. If you're going to have a jerk-off policy, I think you need a bigger, more emphatic wash

your hands before you go back into the workplace sign. Earlier polls by Time Out New York and Glamour respectively discovered that 39% of men said they masturbate at work while, I'm going to ask you guys, what percentage of women say they made some time at work for self-love? It's 39% for men. Well, if we're talking substitute teachers here, because that's a different category of women who would do this. The thing about women, on one hand, they got no muss, no fuss.

They got a smokeless cigarette between their legs. Nobody's going to know what's happening. It's not like you walk back in and, hey, Bob, one of your mittens is stuck to your shoulder. Like, oh, what? Oh, this mitten? Yeah. You get an appropriate place door jam. A girl can go to town.

Right, so they don't really take much. Also, now, you know what's always funny? When guys talk to women about masturbating, it's just so we can beat off to them beating off. Remember in high school? Come on. Just admit it. Just say you did. It's totally natural.

Tell me about it. Yeah, like you're in a tub and you light a candle or something, right? You just use the water. It's cool, right? It's fine. We actually love

masturbating so much that we want to talk to women so we can beat off about that. To their stress. Masturbating. And Jen Kirkman, great comedian,

has just such great material about what she needs. Like, I need a whole... Someone's like, I think you're old. What are you, beat off to Johnny Depp? And she's like, no. Why is he there? Why is he at my house? What's the backstory? I need this and I need that.

You know how women, women too are like, they go like, I had an orgasm like in my sleep. It's like, what happened? I dreamt I made love to a man. Who was it? He didn't have a face. He doesn't need a face. Why no face? He needed two years

faceless ear we're like linda carter right she's riding a horse i got it it's laid out perfectly it's a mystery i couldn't tell it was more of a presence than it was an actual man like wouldn't you just be off the dolph lundgrengren? Like, no, no, this didn't have a face. No, it's too weird. I'm going to say, now you have to account for women. 39% of men, so just keep that number in the pocket. You've got to figure, it's easier for women, and also

through doing Loveline. Like, I found out that women can just have, like, orgasms, like, on workout equipment and stuff like that, just without you even knowing it. But this is self-inflicted. And you would have to admit this to a researcher who was then going to go beat off to it later on

his next break. When Johan takes his next break, he's going to squeeze right off to you. Can you just talk about it one more time into the camera? Just one quick little more detail. I'm going to say 11%. I agree. Randy Sklar. I'm going to say 11%. 11%. I agree. Randy Sklar.

I think it's 7%. 7% of women. Yes, I think they just don't admit. Why would they admit it to this? Okay. I'm going to go against the grain and say 46%. 46. The amount of percentage of women who admitted to making time for self-love while at work,

31%. Wow. Impressive. Progressive. So the next time I get in front of three and a half women, I'm going to look. One is beating off. One of you guys. And they're going to go like, no.

Tell me about it. What did she say you are? One of you. You were gone from that meeting for an awfully long time. Statistically one of you. And by the way, if I wore a skirt, I'd probably beat off 11 times a day. Yes. Me too.

My hand would just wander off. Yes. Do a cartwheel while you do it. I would walk on bad traffic. Go to town. A bird flies out. And an article by Ravishley stated that workplace masturbation is the new smoke break. I doubt that, and called it a good way to boost output and creativity.

Definitely boost output. I completely support that. And I think the world would be a better, happier, calmer place. In a stall? Yeah, in a toilet. Flush it away. No. Family bathroom.

That should be the new plot of Flushed Away 3. You're going to have to teach our young boys not to get into one of those positions where you have to be sitting in a dental chair or something. There's a lot of guys early on that get married to a very vulnerable position. It's a grave. Yes. It's like, hey, I'm going to have a talk with my son. Let me tell you something.

The position. Don't get too. And Lube is a very, very wicked mistress. You're going to have a love-hate relationship with Lube. Pardon the phrase, it's a slippery slope. You will, because you'll get married to Lube, and then you'll be camping for three days. And it won't be there. It will not be there.

This is like when, you know, in the Stanley Cup, when a team wins the Stanley Cup, they do the dumbest tradition ever. They let everybody on the team have the cup for a little while. For a day. For a day or a couple of. In the year that the team is won. And that's, look, some guys can handle it. Other guys can't. Chris Draper of the Detroit Red Wings let his, he was potty

training his kid. And let his kid take a dump in the cup. Now, people drink from the cup. And people probably drank from it after that. However, forget about that. That's unclean and that's terrible. But you're potty training your kid. That's a terrible...

I'm in the process right now? Same thing. That is a very difficult thing. What if the kid can only now shit on championship hardware? You've got to become friends with the Williams sisters. Bring a couple of those Wimbledon plates over. My kid's got to go. It is a dangerous area to put yourself.

Same with the dental chair jerk off. Yeah. No, you got it. You'll get married to that position where it's like, oh, I need my toes locked out and my calves bunched up. And it's like, no, I'm going to teach my kid to beat off while he's being chased by a bear. I want you to be able to run off. Running serpentine from cops

and shooting at you because you can eat anywhere you can sleep anywhere you can jerk off anywhere you don't go up with options super important I want to see you in the company head with a yoga mat laid out

and a candle lit and people walk stepping over you going in to wash their hands no way the second they see you pull out the yoga mat candle lit and people walk, stepping over you. You're going in to wash their hands and stuff. No way. Too much. Because the second they see you pull out the yoga mat, everybody goes, there goes Jeff. He's taking a break.

There goes Jeff. Oh, he's got a scented candle. He's going to be a lot calmer when he comes back. Oh, here comes the lube. Here it comes. He needs it for productivity. I love it. It's a great story.

All right, before we go, the Super Bowl just happened. And, of course, the Patriots won. And then we talked about this on Adam's show. We talked about the fact that there were some stolen items. Yeah. Tom Brady's jersey, the football that was at the end of the game. Texas State officials getting in on it. We actually have an inside scoop.

We have an inside scoop with a guy who's close to the Patriots. Let him in the door. He's a friend of the show. He's a big-time movie star. Mark Wahlberg is joining us. Mark Wahlberg. We got Mark Wahlberg in here.

I thought this was a coup. This is real. We want some questions answered About this Super Bowl thing Mark, how are you? How are you guys doing? You doing good? Yeah, we're doing really good

Great That's not bad How are you, man? Hey, I just want to thank you Because we're at the Beverly Hills Hotel And I was eating lunch With a couple of heavy hitter radio guys And Wahlberg was out there on the patio

And he just came by and said hi Adam and like I'm a big fan man well I'm a fan too but it just it got me a lot of stock with the radio guys I'm glad you remember that he considers it giving back but you know I think the amount of stuff I do for

Donnie that doesn't even compare and he needs a lot of stuff done for him well you were at the Super Bowl. I was at the Super Bowl. You left early, though. Did I? Did you leave early? See, that was the report, is that he left early.

Did I? I don't know. I'm asking you. Did you? Did they win that game? They did win the game. So I think you did stick around. Yeah.

Did you hear about all this stolen memorabilia? Stolen memorabilia. They couldn't find the ball after the game. Right. And they couldn't find Tom Brady's jersey. And everyone's saying it's an insight. It wasn't stolen, dude. Who's got it? I played fourth quarter as Brady. What? I just took the jersey home with me.

You played the fourth quarter? I'm the one who wore it. Down 19 going into the fourth quarter. Did you see Invincible? You think I'm going to let it stand out there like that? No. Oh, it's true, because Brady was like a new guy. A totally different person. He did look a little shorter. I don't know about that. A totally different person. He did look a little shorter. He did look a little shorter.

I don't know about that. Yeah, I thought it was just a pounding he took. But his guns were bigger. He was a little bit shorter. Yeah, dude. Kind of moved around better. I came out there. I took a troll. I went up to Bobby K.

And I go, Bobby K. Let me fix this shit right now. Bob Kraft. Wow, Bob Kraft. Bob Kraft. The white-collar genius. Yeah. Yeah.

And he said, go ahead? Yeah, dude. And Billy B. was like, are you sure about this? I'm like, yes, Billy B. Bob Are you sure about this I'm like yes Billy B Bob Craft's Collar is whiter Than most of his receivers Right

But it can never match The color of his shirt No It's gotta be blue Collars and cuffs Gotta be white He's got good style You like that style

Yeah dude So I came down And I stepped into the game So I don't think a jersey's stolen If you wore it and won the game So you took it I took the jersey What are you gonna do with it

The jersey and the ball? It's framed up in my house right now. Nice. You're not going to hang it at a Wahlburgers? Somebody will steal it. That's a good point. When you say somebody, you mean Donnie. If he needs the money bad enough. Could you see him down at the local flea market?

Donnie, just get a good deal for it. And that is the thing. You've got to watch it. When you've got someone in the family who's not up to the snuff. Yeah. You've got to keep an eye on that Jenny McCarthy, too. She's hurting about now, too. She is hurting about now.

And she could always be right in Donnie's ear. Right. Just take it. Yeah, no, I don't trust her at all. I told her, too. I was like, you two keep this up. You're getting kicked out of the garage. They're living like Mike Seaver.

Oh, they're living in the garage? Yeah, like Mike Seaver in Growing Pains. Wow. They're living in your this up you're getting kicked out of the garage. They're living like Mike Seaver in growing pains. They're living in your garage? Yeah, they're living above the garage. They got their chore wheel. They're fucking good kids. Mike Seaver had a friend called Boner. Yeah. Went to Marines. Died.

He died in the Marines? Yeah, I think in real life he killed himself. What? Should have worked out more. He should have worked out more. Yeah, I know. He should have worked out more and that would have been Cardio cures everything. Wow. Does it?

Oh, you got a boxing ring in your backyard, right? Yeah, dude. I'd love to throw them out. Wow. You throw out the gloves and just... Yeah, we got the whole deal

set up at the gym. You guys should come out sometime. I would love to come. And you box. Yeah. So you know. I'd love to see that. Great movie, man.

Oh, thanks. Seriously, I'm telling you. You do like real movies where you're like an athlete who goes and like overcomes shit. I do that all the time in my daily life and sometimes we film it jay how much did you cry i know i know jay how much did you cry at deep water horizon i cried like a baby on a plane on a plane because i recently watched it that was all real

those real yeah that actually had i know that spilled it again they did another i want this authentic and peter was like, let's do this. Pete Berg, man. That guy's out of control. That guy is out of control. BP signed on to just spilling all that shit again. They don't give a shit. They really don't.

Really don't. The supply goes down and then the demand goes up. But let me ask you this. That's a good point. Do you guys see Patriots Day? Yeah. No. What?

I haven't seen it yet. No, we haven't seen it yet. We all heard it was good. I thought it was about Tom Brady. I didn't know. We like, everyone heard it was good and then decided we didn't want to see it. That's one of those, you see Patriot's Day?

I heard it was good. You should go see it. Are you going to see it? No, I'll just keep hearing it's good. There's no pizza version of that. Three people saying it. Have you tried meatball? No, I heard it was great. Never going to try it.

There's really no opportunity for me to try it. Well, you should. There's really no opportunity for me to try it. Well, you're in luck because we're making another Daddy's Home 2 with me and Will. Really? So you can come check it out. Daddy's Back Home. Yeah, dude. It's gonna be really good. I fucking love it. Alright, listen. You get that jersey. You frame it up. I say, hey, Shadowbox. I'm the one who won the goddamn game.

That's right. Nobody thinks I left. No, I took over. This makes so much more sense now. Exactly. I'm glad we who won the goddamn game. Nobody thinks I left. No, I took over. This makes so much more sense now. I'm glad we finally have the end of the story here. Greatest thing that ever happened. You put me involved, greatest thing ever happened. Look at Boogie Nights. That's the only movie Paul Thomas Anderson's made that anybody wants to watch. Well, I think he did some others.

Do you? Well, Transformers. Could LaBeouf do it? No. LaBeouf could not do it. No, Shia LaBeouf got out. Now who's running the show you are yeah we can put the old dude from westworld in the next one that's wow you know the robot guy that killed jody foster yeah tom hinkley jr no the dude he's like spoiling west you killed jody foster like in 1991 oh the, are you talking about, oh, wait a minute. Some documentary about,

about. Serial killers? Safe Room. Yeah. Donnie was in, Donnie was in Safe Room. No, he wasn't. He was a glorified

background actor. He was an extra. He actually isn't even credited. He had dialogue. And now you're going to tell me you like Sixth Sense too? I don't know. He had dialogue

in Safe Room. That's all I'm saying. It's like Sixth Sense is great. I'm like, Donnie stood in a bathroom and cried because he couldn't eat enough. That happens every fucking Wednesday. That was a craft service issue. Yeah.

All right, Mark. Thank you. What's the rest of your day? Like do pushups nude on a cliff? Is that what happens? I'm doing two 11 K's. Oh, wow. And then probably do my nighttime workout. Hit a little protein shake. Make sure Donnie's all tucked in for bed. Read him a story and hit the hay. I love it. It's a great day. See you at the Beverly Hills Hotel, man. Give me anie's all tucked in for bed. Read him a story and hit the hay. Love it.

It's a great day. I'll see you at the Beverly Hills Hotel, man. Dude, give me a heads up when you're in there. Yeah. He'll be tanning himself. Yeah. I'm going to go pick a fight. Mark Wahlberg.

Wahlberg with us. Oh, my God. That was tan. Send Van Kirk back in here, please. He's on his way back in. Geez. Well, that's a show, guys. There you go.

That was a show. Beautiful job. Snakes in the house. Cartwheels were the substitute teacher. Yeah. And jerk off. And jerk off breaks at work. Covered it all. in the House, Cartwheels for the Substitute Teacher. Yeah. And the jerk-off breaks that work. Adam Carolla, thank you so much again. Listen to The Adam Carolla Show if you're not already.

Subscribe, listen to it, rate it, review it, all that stuff. Do the same for this show, Dumb People Town. It's actually doing quite nicely in the old charts and whatnot. Thanks to you guys. Rate it, review it, subscribe. That's how we keep it up there and tell a couple friends about it. And go see Adam when he's live and go see us when we're live. Thanks so much, guys. We it. Review it. Subscribe. That's how we keep it up there. And tell a couple friends about it. And go see Adam when he's live. And go see us when we're live. Thanks so much, guys. We'll see you next week.

Thank you.